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Gypped in the Penthouse (1955)
No ice, I'll get it myself.That's all...
Oh, I beg your pardon sir. I didn't mean that. I'm sorry... Larry! Of all people! I haven't seen you in years. Shemp! You're a sight for sore eyes! Sit down and we'll have a drink. I don't mind if I do. What kind of stuff is this? Nice and fresh! When did you join the Woman Haters Club? Oh, it's a long story. I'll have to tell you a little later. Alright. Right now, we're busy with this. You see. Oh, brother! There you are! - Here's how! - I know how. Too much seltzer. You're right! They do make that seltzer strong. Well, you asked me a question. It's a long story, but you asked for it. I was sitting at home reading a newspaper when I happen to glance at the personal column. There was an ad that caught my eye. "Tired of being beautiful and alone. "Will like to meet clean, well dressed handsome man "about 35. Object matrimony. "Address box 41144 Daily Journal." What an opportunity! Beautiful and alone. But a handsome man, that might be a problem. What time is it? Every time I look at this seven day clock, it stops. I can't be that ugly. Or can I? Mirror mirror on the wall, who's the fairest of them all? I break more mirrors that way! Well, believe it or not, she thought I was handsome. And I fell for her like a ton of bricks. Well, a few nights later, I went over to visit her at her apartment as usual and... Close your eyes. I have a surprise for you. Oh darling, it's beautiful! Oh, I'm gonna relax and smoke a bit. - You wanna smoke? - Thank you! - Oh, excuse me. - I'll get it, I'll get it. What can I do for you? This! Didn't you make a mistake? Yeah, I hit the wrong eye. Ah, my beautiful Jane! While it's in my brain, may I dared again to ask you not refrain the chance to make us twain. Oh, darling, it's beautiful! - You may kiss me. - Indeed! Hey! What the hey! Who is this spotted raccoon? Oh, he tried to get engaged to me with that miserable little two karat ring. Just a minute, that was two and a half karats, you gold digger! Why don't you watch your manners? How dare you call my tomato a gold digger? Get away from here! I guess I told him a two or thing. I took care of that guy, I tell you. That caterpillar thinks he's smart, but he's not smart enough for me. I'll... Look out! Oh, baby! - Speak to me! Yes? - This. I'll murder you! Take it easy now. Turn me loose. I'll get you. I'll tear your tonsils out. I can't move here! Get me out of this! I'll...! I'm through with women forever! Give me back my ring. - That's the wrong ring. - So sue me. I'll catch up to you one of these days, wise guy, and when I do, pow! Women have always made trouble. They're all alike. Now, my trouble started in the subway. It was crowded and I was hanging onto a strap. And all of a sudden, a beautiful girl get up and give me a seat. Well, to make a long friendship short, here I was at her home... - That meal was wonderful. - Oh, thank you! Beautiful and can cook too. Thank you! There now. Will you excuse me while I powder my nose? Sure! Where does this pitcher belong? Up there in the cabinet. Oh, she forgot to put the dirty dishes in the washer. I'll do it. Oh, I'm so sorry! The automatic shut-off is out of order. Oh, you're soaking wet! You better get those wet clothes off before you catch cold. Come on, I'll give you something to wear. In a minute, in a minute. - Come on. - Alright. Oh, they're soaked. Now you hurry up and get out of those wet clothes and I'll send them out to be cleaned and pressed. Meanwhile, make yourself at home. Thanks a lot. Oh, I'm sorry! Here you are. Where'd you get the men's pajamas? Oh, they're my husband's, but we're separated. Here, put this on. It'll help keep you warm, I think. Oh, thank you. Thank you. Boy oh boy oh boy, what a night that was. Go on. Let's wet our whistles first. Here's looking at you! Sorry pal. Go on with your story. Well, there we were in the living room waiting for my suit to come back from the cleaners. She was fond of music and I was playing the piano and singing. I was trying to impersonate that guy with the candelabra. Home, home on the farm! In Georgia, our farm had such charm. And mama's so sweet, cooks good things to eat. In Georgia, down on the farm. How was that? Oh, that's wonderful. You're quite a musician. Just fair. I play that in four sharps. I used to play in five flats but I got kicked out of the last one. Oh, what a lovely ring! May I see it? Certainly. - Thank you very much! - Oh no! No no no! Now wait a minute. Give me that now, give me that! Oh, it went down that hole. Excuse me. I'm expecting an important phone call. I can't get my hands under. Gosh, it went down further! Oh, you cock-eyed thing. What happened? I feel like a pretzel. If she sees this mess, she'll kill me. I better get rid of it. In here! Never saw a piano with so much junk in it. She'll kill me if she sees this. She'll never know the difference. Hello! You wrecker! Oh! Your ring! That will pay for the damage to my piano. There must be a way to get that ring without getting into trouble with the censor. Sweetheart! Open the door. I forgot my key. Oh, it's my husband. But I thought you were separated. We were. He was on a trip. That's separated, isn't it? Yeah... Oh, he's terribly jealous. If he finds you here, he'll kill you. If you think I'm afraid, you're right. Where will I hide? Upstairs. In the bedroom. Darling! I'm sorry honey. I must've forgot my key. Boy, are you a sight for sore eyes. Oh, well! Uh, you... you got home early, didn't you? Yes, I flew. And are my arms tired. I'm expecting a wire. A tiger! A boy said you told him to clean and press this suit. Whose is it? - Who are you hiding? - Well... Never mind, I'll find him myself. - Now now now honey! - I'll murder him. Please, now listen. - Moe, listen, believe me! - Well, I don't believe you. Moe! Put down that gun. I will if I don't find that rat! Aha! The bed! Moe, there's nobody here. Why are you looking under the bed? Because that's where I hide when I... - What am I saying? - What? Never mind, I'll find him. Oh, the closet! I'll get that home wrecker! Oh, please! Listen to me. Please, please! I'll find him. He must be amongst these clothes. Moe, I told you there is nobody here. Liar. Well, that's not my suit. And I'm gonna find the guy that it fits. Oh, Moe! Moe, please listen to me! I ain't listening to nobody. - Shut up! How tall was he? - Oh, he was about five... Moe, I tell you there's nobody here. Now relax and sit down. Now listen. Oh, no, Moe baby. Lie down and relax. You're getting all upset for nothing. Well, maybe you're right. Why, certainly. You're being silly. You know I wouldn't have another man in this apartment. I'll get you, you rat! I ran sixteen blocks. Got pinched for masquerading as a woman, and I had to pay fifty dollars fine. How do you like that? Oh! I hate women. I don't blame you, Shemp. Fifty dollars fine! - Hey, there's Charlie. - Let's say hello. All the dame wants is diamonds. - Two karats, four karats... - Hi you, Charlie! - Hi Charles! - Oh, hi fellas. Say, I want you to meet a new member. This is, uh... Why you rat! Oh, yeah? Who you call a rat, eh? - I'm sorry, Charlie boy! - Oh, a wise guy. Oh, you wanna fight, eh? Get out of here. I'll brain you. Oh, Moe! Moe! Wait, I'll get you out of it. Hold still. Moe! Moe! Can I do something? Can I get you a glass of water? A truck hit me. Come on! Let's get out of here! Why don't you watch where you're going? Well, what a pleasant surprise! - Jane! - The diamond kid! Yes. Oh, this is wonderful. Long time no see. - Where've you been? - Well, I've been around. What are you doing? What are you doing? Oh! Please! Oh, no! Now, cut that...! |
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