1
(CONFESSION ROOM
WINDOW SLIDES OPEN)
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned. It's been, uh...
24 hours since my last confession.
Son, it's so late.
Yeah, Father.
Work has just...
(SIGHS)
I lied to Connie.
Uh, to my wife.
This is very serious.
I know.
I promised her
I'd quit smoking.
She thinks it's bad for me.
And I'm trying, but...
I snuck a couple
of cigarettes.
Maybe three.
(THUNDER RUMBLING AT DISTANCE)
Yes.
It's so hard.
Yes.
(VOICE BREAKING)
But I'm trying.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
NARRATOR:
It is 5:00 A.M.
Still shank of night for some.
(CAMERA CLICKING AT DISTANCE)
But for Eddie Mannix,
beginning of a new work day.
The movie studio for which he
works manufactures stories,
- each its own day-lit drama or moonlit dream.
- (WOMAN LAUGHING)
But the work of Eddie Mannix
cares not for day or night.
(WOMAN EXCLAIMING)
And cares little for his rest.
PHOTOGRAPHER: That's right, doll face.
Churn that butter for me.
Atta girl.
Oh, Jesus Christ
on a scooter!
You here?
EDDIE: The studio has the rights
to Gloria's likeness, Falco.
Give me the negatives and
things will go easier on you.
These are for
private use, Eddie.
Come on.
- Oh, boy.
- (POLICE SIREN WAILING)
Can't a girl take a few pictures,
have a few laughs?
Jeez, Eddie!
What an old stick in the mud.
(GASPS)
Now, you listen to me.
You were at a party,
had too much to drink.
Somebody brought you here,
you don't remember who.
You're going home now.
Your name's
Mary Jo Scheinbrotte.
- (SOBBING) Okay, Eddie.
- COP: So, Eddie Mannix.
Saw your heap outside.
Got a call. Loud, disorderly.
Possible French postcard situation.
Someone was pulling your leg.
Mary Jo here was just
at a costume party.
It's not really her dirndl.
She wants to contribute
something to your pension fund.
Sorry to drag you
out in the rain.
Well, say,
no problem at all.
Aren't you
Gloria DeLamour?
No, no, I'm Mary Jo...
...something.
Scheinbrotte.
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Say, Brian.
Can I bum a cigarette?
(SOLDIERS MARCHING)
NARRATOR: Ancient Rome.
Twelve years into the rule
of Tiberius, Ruler Maximus.
Rome's legions are
masters of the world.
The stomp of its
sandals heard from
the Iberian
Peninsula in the west,
through the halls of the great
library of Alexandria in the east.
As oppressed people everywhere
writhe under the Roman lash,
freeman and vassal are united
in one compulsory worship.
(GRUNTS)
The emperor,
Caesar, is Godhead.
Lord of every man 's
body and spirit.
For those who will not submit,
the galleys, the arenas,
even crucifixion await.
But there is a new wind
blowing from the east,
from the dusty streets
of Bethlehem,
that will soon challenge
the vast house of Caesar,
that edifice wrought
of brick and blood
which now seems so secure.
(HORSE SNORTS)
Ha!
There she is, Gracchus.
Ah, what a beauty.
GRACCHUS:
Aye, Autolochus. Rome.
Suckled by a she-wolf and
nurturing us, her sons, in turn.
Tonight I bathe in Caracalla
and wash away the dust
of 300 miles of Frankish road.
To Rome.
- To Rome!
- (HORSE NEIGHING)
NARRATOR: Yes, to Rome!
Glorious center
of Caesar's rule.
But far away in Palestine,
another man is coming home.
Saul, humble
merchant of Tarsus
is about to be
struck down by a vision.
What thing is this?
NATALIE: Gloria DeLamour
has been checked into
- Our Lady of Perpetual Rest to dry out.
- EDDIE: Uh-huh.
NATALIE: You have a 10:00 a.m.
with Monsignor O'Reilly
at the Wallace
Beery Conference Room,
and he's bringing
in a Lester Silkwood
from the Legion of
Catholic Decency.
And we've also invited Patriarch
Vlassos for the Eastern view.
- Have they read the script?
- Roger.
Let's also invite a rabbi and a
Protestant padre of some sort
so we can get
everybody's two cents.
Check.
How's production on Tucumcari?
Uh, Principal is on schedule,
but second unit
has been idle
in Gallup, New Mexico
for four days.
Heavy rain.
- Forecast?
- Uh, Not good.
Send an insert truck,
have them shoot driving
plates for Came the Rain.
Check.
Jonah's Daughter
still behind?
Yes. Uh, director says
the problem is DeeAnna,
and she's
getting worse.
I know what it is.
I'll drop in on her after my 10 o'clock.
All right,
let's call New York.
- (LINE BUZZES)
- NATALIE: Mr. Schenk's office, line two.
Hi, Dorothy. Eddie Mannix.
The old man in?
Natalie,
I want the box office
on The Debonaires
and on Blessed Event.
Can you also...
Yes! Good morning, Mr. Schenk.
Very well. Thank you.
Proceeding.
You know, proceeding.
Yeah, Merrily We Dance
starts shooting today.
Beardly Auberon
gave us a draft
that's extremely classy.
Joan Van Vechten's
playing Dierdre,
but we need a male lead
and we need him now.
No, Jack Hogarth is
drying out at Cedars.
Metro won't lend us Gable
unless we give them
the Comiskey twins.
Of course not.
I agree.
What?
Hobie Doyle?
Do you really think so?
After all,
he's a dust actor.
The man barely
knows how to talk.
Yes, of course,
Mr. Schenk, I agree,
but I don't know
if Hobie Doyle
has the, uh, the, uh, poise
in a dinner jacket.
Yes, we do need
someone pronto.
No, I don't,
that's very true.
But let me talk to Laurence Laurentz,
the director.
It could work.
It could work.
Hobie Doyle is
a very promising idea.
(GRUNTS)
(GUNSHOT)
(MEN GRUNTING)
(WHISTLES)
HOBIE: Whitey!
(GUNSHOTS)
(GUNSHOTS CONTINUES)
(WHISTLES)
(WHINNYING)
DIRECTOR: And cut!
Great, Hobie.
I can do the
handstand smoother
if you give me
another shot at her.
We got four good ones, Hobie,
and Whitey's tired.
Okay, you're
the boss man.
If that's lunch, I'm gonna
grab me a plate of beans.
(BEVERAGE FIZZING)
All right, kids,
this is Rome.
You're over at this
guy's house for a revel.
And in comes Antoninus.
Lots of energy.
What are you doing at
the table of viands?
Huh? You're supposed to be
reclining with the lyre.
I'm sorry,
I was just...
Recline with the lyre.
Don't sit on the
pediment. Recline.
Relaxed, festive.
- Extras set?
- Set!
CREW MEMBER:
Roll sound!
I got my eye on you.
CREW MEMBER:
Roll camera. Fountain!
(BELL RINGING)
Hail, Caesar!
Ten-apple, take 10.
DIRECTOR: And action!
(HARP PLAYING)
SENATOR SESTIMUS:
Autolochus!
I had heard rumors
of your return to Rome.
AUTOLOCHUS:
More than rumors, noble Sestimus.
I see that you are the same
worshipper of Bacchus.
What gaiety.
There is still
truth in the adage
"What pleasures
cannot be found
"in the villa of
Sestimus Amydias
"cannot be
found in Rome!"
(ALL LAUGHING)
But seriously,
there is talk the Senate will
send our legions out again,
and this time not on
a short march to Gaul.
What truth to these
mutterings, Sestimus?
The matter has been
taken up in the Senate.
It seems that there
is unrest in Palestine.
Palestine?
- (SIGHS)
- That backwater!
They'll hardly be
sending the sixth legion
to that godforsaken
patch of desert!
(ALL LAUGHING)
MAN: Palestine!
WOMAN: (CHUCKLING)
Palestine!
Ah.
Holding for a dissolve...
Still laughing...
Holding...
And cut!
Fine, boys.
That was just fine.
BAIRD: Was I okay?
Was I all right?
- (BELL RINGING)
- CREW MEMBER: That's a cut!
DIRECTOR: We're gonna
move on to the brazier scene.
Was I all right with the "mutterings"?
It felt a little...
No, no, no, no,
it's fine.
Moving on,
brazier scene, 20 minutes.
Popping over
to the trailer.
Okay. In the brazier scene,
they changed
"passion" to "ardor."
What? Why?
I liked "passion."
It's strong.
It's passion!
BAIRD: "Such is my greeting after
three months' sojourn in Gaul?
"Not so, Ursulina."
(GROANING)
"My ardor...
"My ardor is yet as warm
"as the embers
of this brazier.
BAIRD:
"Embers of this brazier."
We're ready for you,
Mr. Whitlock!
BAIRD:
"Not so, Sperm-ulina."
(GRUNTS SOFTLY)
(GRUNTS)
EDDIE: Gentlemen,
thank you all for coming.
I know you have parishes,
flocks and temples
making enormous
demands on your time.
But I'm sure you
appreciate also
that great masses
of humanity
look to pictures for
information and uplift
and, yes, entertainment.
Now, here at Capitol Pictures,
as you know,
an army of technicians and actors
and top-notch artistic people
are working hard to bring to the
screen the story of the Christ.
It's a swell story.
A story told before, yes,
but we like to
flatter ourselves
that it's never been told
with this kind of
distinction and panache.
Perhaps, sir, you forget its
telling in the Holy Bible.
Quite right, Patriarch.
The Bible, of course, is terrific.
But for
millions of people,
pictures will be their
reference point for the story.
The story's embodiment,
the story's, uh...
Realization.
You "realize," of course,
that for we Jews,
any visual depiction of the Godhead
is most strictly prohibited.
Oh.
But, of course, for us, the man
Jesus Nazarene is not God.
A-ha!
Who plays Christ?
Oh, a kid we're all
very excited about.
Todd Hocheiser.
Wonderful young actor we found in Akron,
Ohio, in a nationwide talent hunt.
But Hocheiser is
seen only fleetingly
and with extreme taste.
Our story is told through the
eyes of a Roman tribune.
Autolochus Antoninus.
Ordinary man,
skeptical at first,
but who comes to
a grudging respect
for this swell
figure from the East.
And Autolochus
is played by
Baird Whitlock.
Oh, my.
Well, he is certainly
a great talent.
Now, Hail, Caesar!
Is a prestige picture,
our biggest
release of the year,
and we're devoting huge
resources to its production
in order to
make it first-class
in every respect.
Gentlemen, given
its enormous expense,
we don't wanna send it to
market except in the certainty
that it will not offend
any reasonable American
regardless of faith or creed.
Now that's where you come in.
You've read the script.
I wanna know if the theological
elements of the story
are up to snuff.
I thought the
chariot scene was fakey.
How is he going to jump from
one chariot to the other
going full speed?
Uh-huh.
Well, we can look at that.
But as for the
religious aspect,
does the depiction of Christ
Jesus cut the mustard?
Well, the nature of Christ
is not quite as simple
as your photoplay
would have it.
How so, Father?
It's not the case simply
that Christ is God, or God Christ.
You can say
that again.
The Nazarene
was not God.
He was not not-God.
- RABBI: He was a man.
- Part God.
RABBI: No, sir.
But, Rabbi, all of us have a
little bit of God in us, don't we?
Well...
It's the foundation
of our belief
that Christ is most properly
referred to as the Son of God.
It's the Son of God who takes the
sins of the world upon himself
so that the rest of God's children,
we imperfect beings,
through faith, may enter
the Kingdom of heaven.
- So God is split?
- CATHOLIC CLERGYMAN: Yes.
And no.
EASTERN ORTHODOX CLERGYMAN:
There is unity in division.
And division in unity.
I'm not sure
I follow, Padre.
Young man, you don't follow
for a very simple reason.
These men
are screwballs.
RABBI: God has children?
What, and a dog?
A collie, maybe?
God doesn't
have children.
He's a bachelor.
And very angry.
No, no, he used
to be angry.
What?
He got over it?
You worship the God
of another age.
Who has no love.
Not true.
He likes Jews.
God loves everyone.
God is love!
God is who he is.
This is special?
Who isn't who is?
But how should God be
rendered in a motion picture?
God isn't in the
motion picture!
Then who is
Todd Hocheiser?
Gentlemen, maybe we're biting off
more than we can chew.
We don't need to agree on
the nature of the deity here,
if we could focus on the Christ,
whatever his parentage.
My question is,
is our depiction fair?
I have seen worse.
Reverend?
There is nothing to
offend a reasonable man.
EDDIE: Father.
CATHOLIC CLERGYMAN: The motion picture
teleplay was respectful
and exhibited
tastefulness and class.
Who made you an expert
all of a sudden?
And what do
you think, Rabbi?
Eh...
I haven't an opinion.
- How did we do?
- I don't...
Fine. What's up?
Can't find
Baird Whitlock.
He left the set
over an hour ago,
said he was going
to his dressing room,
but he isn't there.
Out on a bender? Middle of the day?
Am I crazy?
You're not crazy,
but, no.
I checked the Til Two, Dan Tana's,
Rusty Scupper. No soap.
- Home, maybe? Called his wife?
- Yep.
What did Laura say?
"He's not home,
he's never home.
"He's a louse.
Try one of his chippies."
Called that script girl,
what's her name, Francie?
Uh, check.
Any of the gals
missing from the set?
Nope.
EDDIE: All right, gone an hour?
We won't worry yet.
STUDIO ASSISTANT:
Hobie?
The studio says
you're finished here,
and you're to report
back to the lot.
How come?
They're changing
your image.
Okay.
And the studio says you're
escorting Carlotta Valdez
to your premiere tonight.
How come?
I don't know her.
The studio's arranging it.
They're changing your image.
(WOMAN SINGING OPERATICALLY)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
(GONG RINGS)
Damn it!
(MUSIC STOPS)
(DRESS STRAINING)
(GRUNTS)
(DRESS POPS)
You have gas again, ma'am?
"Ma'am"? Miss.
Do I look married?
- No, miss.
- No! Yeah, "Gas again."
Ask him. He knows.
All right. Scram.
How are you, DeeAnna?
How am I? Wet.
I don't think I'm gonna fit in
that fish-ass after this week.
Oh, we should have the water
ballet in the can after tomorrow.
In the nightclub scene,
wardrobe will have a gown for
you that's more forgiving.
Any more thoughts about
who you might marry?
(SCOFFS)
I ain't doing that again.
I had two marriages.
It just cost the studio a lot
of money to bust them up.
Well, we had to
have those annulled.
One was to
a minor mob figure...
Vince was not minor.
And Buddy Flynn
was a bandleader
with a long history
of narcotic use.
Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm saying.
They were both louses.
Marrying a third louse
ain't gonna do me no good.
We've offered you some very
suitable, clean young men.
Pretty boys,
saps and swishes!
What, you think if there
wasn't a good, reliable man,
I wouldn't have
grabbed him?
What about Arne Seslum?
He is the father, isn't he?
Yeah, yeah.
The marriage doesn't
have to last forever.
But, DeeAnna,
having a child without a father
would present a public-relations
problem for the studio.
The aquatic pictures
do very nicely for us.
So you go and strap on a
fish-ass and marry Arne Seslum.
The pictures do well
for all of us,
and it's a tribute to you.
The public loves you because
they know how innocent you are.
That's true.
Let me see if Arne
is open to matrimony.
You're sure he's the father?
Yeah, yeah. Absolutely,
he's the father, yes!
Pretty sure.
Hey, Maxie,
bring me my ass back.
Hey, hey, buddy,
come here!
How you doing, Hobie?
Hello there, Scotty.
They got you
shooting on the lot?
Uh, well, Mr. Mannix
pulled me off the western.
Says I'm doing
a movie on a sound stage.
They built a drawing room.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
(DOOR CREAKING)
CREW MEMBER: He's here.
Oh, my dear boy.
Welcome.
Laurence Laurentz.
And you look wonderful, wonderful.
How do you feel?
Uh, well, this here
collar is a little tight.
No, no, no.
It's nicely fit, looks a marvel.
- Oh.
- Just takes a little getting used to.
Now, Hobie,
here is our set.
And, in fact, that's right, yes,
you enter from there,
having just seen
Biff's valise in the foyer,
in spite of Allegra's claim that
he hasn't been to the house.
I'm sweet on Allegra.
Indeed you are.
But I seen Biff's grip.
Indeed you have.
And so here we
find you, Hobie...
We find you haunted
by unspoken suspicions.
Haunted. By Biff's grip.
By his valise, yes.
But here is Dierdre
harboring deep
feelings for you,
and sensing opportunity.
- Dierdre.
- Dierdre, yes.
So at her importuning,
you join her on the couch
and conversation ensues.
Um...
So, she's gonna
importune, Mr. Laurence?
Laurentz.
Oh, I'm sorry.
She's gonna importune,
Mr. Laurentz?
Is that something
I should be concerned about?
No, she'll simply
ask you to join her
on the couch,
is all I mean to say,
and then conversation ensues.
Okay. Okay.
I gotcha.
Very good, very good.
Let's try one, shall we?
Sure. (CHUCKLES)
I'll give it a go.
Wonderful, splendid.
Now, the only thing
I would suggest is,
before your first line,
you respond to her line
with a mirthless chuckle.
A mirthless chuckle.
Yes, I think given your
unspoken suspicions
about Allegra,
a mirthless chuckle.
Uh-huh. Okay, Mr. Laurence,
I'll give it a shot.
Laurentz.
Oh, gosh, I'm so sorry,
Mr. Laurentz.
I'll give it a shot.
(DOOR RATTLES)
(BELL RINGING)
CLAPPER BOY: Merrily We Dance.
27-apple, take one.
LAURENCE: Action.
(RATTLING)
DIERDRE: Oh, Monty.
Come join me
on the divan.
(FOOT THUMPS)
It seems
Allegra's a no-show,
which is simply a bore.
But I'll partner
you in bridge.
Why the pout?
Ha!
Would that it were so simple.
Uh, cut.
- (BELL RINGING)
- CREW MEMBER: That's a cut. Back to one.
Very good.
Wonderful, in fact.
But, um, let's try it
a little differently this time.
- Sure.
- Let's try...
Let's see, first of all,
why don't we
dispense with
the mirthless chuckle?
No mirthless chuckle.
No, no need, really. It was a bad idea.
It was bad directorial.
My fault
overthinking the thing.
If you say so,
but I'm happy to do another,
maybe try her
one more time.
I mean, if you want that chuckle,
I sure wanna give her to you.
No, no, no. Completely unnecessary
under the circumstances.
I think the audience can,
to that extent,
they can read
your thoughts,
and they will assume
your mirthlessness.
Okay, you're the boss man,
Mr. Laurence.
Laurentz.
Oh, gosh.
I am so sorry, Mr. Laurentz.
Also, this time,
let's try actually
looking at Dierdre
as we speak.
Looking into her eyes
and speaking our line
with a certain
ruefulness.
Ruefulness, okay.
Yes. Because it's
not so simple, you see.
Not so simple
as she suggests.
Okay.
Your feelings
are not so simple.
No, sir. Okay.
- (BELL RINGING)
- CREW MEMBER: Roll camera.
Merrily We Dance.
27-apple, take two.
(SIGHS) Action.
DIERDRE: Oh, Monty.
Come join me
on the divan.
Seems Allegra's a no-show,
which is simply a bore.
But I'll partner
you in bridge.
Why the pout?
(SLOWLY)
Would that it were so simple.
Cut.
(BELL RINGING)
Very good, very good.
Um...
(CLICKS TONGUE)
Come, come.
HOBIE: All right.
(EXHALES)
All right,
let's try this.
Your line, just say it
as I say it.
Say your line exactly
as I'm about to.
Just as
I'm about to do.
Sure, okay.
Would that it
were so simple.
Um...
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it
were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
My dear boy,
why do you say that?
Why do you say "twuuuuuuh"?
- You said, "Say it like I said it."
- Yes.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it
were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it...
Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple?
No, no, watch my mouth.
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
Keep your head still.
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it
were so simple.
I'm trying to
say that, Mr. Laurentz.
Laurence. Mmm.
I thought...
A minute ago
it was Laurentz.
No, we can use Christian names,
my good dear boy.
Laurence is fine,
just as I call you Hobie.
Okay.
So, would that
it were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so...
Keep your hand down, now!
Would that it were so simple. Trippingly.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh
so simple. Trippingly.
No, don't say "trippingly,"
say the line trippingly.
Would that ih twuuuuuuh...
Would that it... (CLEARS THROAT)
Would that it
were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it
were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it
were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
Would that it
were so simple.
- Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
- Rueful, rueful, rueful.
- Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
- Rueful.
Would that it
were so simple.
- Rueful "simple."
- Would that ih twuuuuuuh...
- Soulful "simple."
- Would that ih twuuuuuuh so simple.
Or soulful.
You could say soulful.
Rueful, soulful.
Would that it were so simple.
Would that ih
twuuuuuuh so simple.
What are you
doing this for?
Would that
ih twuuuuuuh so...
Your hands!
Just keep still!
- (KNOCK ON THE DOOR)
- (DOG BARKING)
PRODUCER:
Stall? For how long?
What do I
tell the director?
EDDIE: That we're
looking for him.
But we don't want it
in the gossip columns.
Baird on a bender,
in a love nest,
or wherever we
end up finding him.
And as far as the set is concerned,
it's business as usual.
Tell the ADs Baird is out briefly
with a high ankle sprain.
Fine, but what do
we shoot without him?
We got the brazier
scene up this afternoon.
Could you get through it
shooting around him?
Maybe use his stunt double,
Chunk Mulligan?
Chunk can't act.
Get the writer to
trim his speeches.
Well, maybe,
but then what do we do?
All we got left
is the final scene.
Autolochus' speech
at the feet of the penitent thief.
It's the emotional climax
of the entire picture.
We gotta see Autolochus has
absorbed the message of the Christ.
Yeah, I can see that.
We need Baird's
star power, his charisma.
Sure, his emotional, uh...
This can't be faked!
It's the heart and soul of the picture.
- I understand.
- End of the film!
We can't just give
the speech to some...
Some
Roman schmo!
No, no. Yeah, yeah,
yeah, I got it.
But his benders can
last a day or two.
What does it cost
to shut down?
Plenty. You know how
big this picture is?
We're on Stages 5 and 14.
If we're carrying everybody
in the final scene
who's up on crucifixes
that's $3.40 an hour hardship pay,
eight hour minimum.
- Yeah.
- Plus we lose...
- NATALIE: Mr. Mannix, I'm sorry...
- Not now.
We lose Todd Hocheiser to Fox
at the end of the week.
We should have
made him exclusive.
- Who knew?
- (PHONE BUZZES)
- NATALIE: I'm sorry, sir.
- Not now!
It's Mr. Laurentz.
I can't stop him!
- Mannix, I won't have it!
- NATALIE: No! No!
For two decades the words
"Laurence Laurentz Presents"
have meant something
to the public.
It's all right, Natalie.
Okay, Walt, let me know.
(SIGHS)
What's on your mind,
Laurence?
Hobie Doyle cannot act!
Hobart Doyle is
one of the biggest
movie stars in the world.
On horseback.
But this is a drama,
Mannix, a real drama.
It's an adaptation
of a Broadway smash!
It requires the skills
of a trained thespian,
not a rodeo clown!
I begged you for Lunt!
Mr. Mannix, I'm sorry,
but you wanted me to make sure
you didn't miss your lunch
at the Imperial Gardens.
You never told me who with.
Nuts.
Look, no one
wants to see Lunt.
We're not recasting.
This came from Mr. Schenk himself.
It's Hobie Doyle.
Is the boy game?
No, he's game.
And gamey!
Well, if he needs help,
it's your job to help him.
I'll have a talk with Hobie and
take a look at what you've shot,
but right now
I've got a lunch.
"Truth to these
mutterings, Sestimus."
(GROANING)
(MUMBLING)
(DOOR BELL RINGS)
(DOG BARKING)
(INDISTINCT TALKING)
Quiet, Engels!
How pleasant to
see you, Mr. Mannix.
Your table is
right over here.
Thank you, Arthur.
How you doing, Mannix?
Mr. Cuddahy.
They mix a hell of a Mai Tai.
I like this place.
Sorry to keep you hanging.
It's a tough decision.
Nothing to apologize for. We said the
deal was on the table for a week.
Oh.
Go ahead.
No, I'm trying to quit.
I just wanted to visit again
to see if there was some
impediment we could help with,
or if something in
the offer isn't clear?
No, the offer's very clear.
And very generous.
We want to make it easy
for you to say yes.
Mannix, we need a guy with
your talents in management,
problem-solving.
And you need to
think about the future.
Lockheed is booming.
Everyone's
riding in airplanes,
and we're moving
into jet airplanes.
It's a new age, Mannix,
and we're part of it.
The industry you're in,
what's the future there?
What happens when everybody
owns a television set?
Will they still be going
to pictures every week?
Well, we like to
think that families...
I don't mean to denigrate.
I'm sure the picture business
is pretty damned interesting.
But it's also pretty
frivolous, isn't it?
Aviation is serious.
Serious business, serious people.
You won't be babysitting a
lot of oddballs and misfits,
shouldering a lot of
crackpot problems for...
We have some
kooks, sure, but...
(CHUCKLES) Of course they're kooks!
It's all make-believe.
(CHUCKLES)
I told myself
I wasn't gonna
badmouth the competition,
and look at me.
Sorry, Mannix.
I'll stick with what we're about.
Let me show
you something.
Ever heard of
the Bikini Atoll?
No.
Test site.
Just couple of rocks in the
middle of the Pacific,
until a few weeks ago,
when we blew
the H-erino.
I shouldn't be
telling you this.
It's the real world.
Hydrogen bomb.
Fusion device.
Armageddon.
- And Lockheed was there. We had a...
- (BEADS JANGLING)
Call for you, Mr. Mannix.
Oh, thank you.
Hello?
Yeah, he has it now?
No, have him stay on set,
I'll go to him.
Sorry, Cuddahy,
work emergency.
Still do work there,
for the day anyway.
You make a good case.
I'll let you know.
- (DEVICE WHIRRING)
- (THUDS)
(THUDDING CONTINUES)
(GRUNTS)
(THUDS)
(VACUUM CLEANER STOPS)
Uh...
You one of the
Hollywood people?
Maybe.
They're in there.
(VACUUM CLEANER STARTS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
(CHATTER GROWS LOUDER)
(DOOR CREAKING)
Please, enter.
All are welcome.
(GRUNTS)
Those things
are a nuisance.
Thank you.
We'll have sandwiches
in a minute.
Tea?
Uh, okay.
Yeah. And, uh...
And what's going on?
Yeah.
Well, we've just
read the minutes.
And Alan was about to
bring up new business.
Well, I missed
the minutes.
I wouldn't
worry about it.
They're usually
pretty boring.
What kind of
a meeting is this?
HEAD WRITER:
Well, it's not a meeting
so much as a...
It's, uh, more of
a study group.
And you're studying?
All sorts of jolly stuff.
- History.
- Economics.
WRITER #1:
Same thing, isn't it?
History, economics.
Don't you agree?
I'm not really
a student of history.
(DOG BARKING)
WRITER #2:
Quiet, Engels!
BAIRD: Thank you.
Man is split?
Well, Man's functions
are split.
There's the little guy, the regular
Joe who works for a living.
He's the body,
body politic.
Then there's the brain,
the boss, the owner.
The boss is
not the brain.
No, no!
The boss is parasite!
HEAD WRITER: Well, it's true that the
boss doesn't work, but he has a function.
He controls the means of...
Production. Sure,
but that's not a function, that's...
- Parasitism! On the...
- Shut up!
- On the body politic. Of the regular Joe!
- WRITER #3: Shut up!
(CLEARING THROAT)
Man is unitary.
A simple economic agent.
Man's institutions
are split,
expressing contradictions
that must be worked through.
And they are worked through in
a causative, predictable way.
History is science.
- This is the essence of the dialectic.
- (WRITERS AGREEING)
You see, if you
understand economics,
you can actually write down
what will happen in the future.
With as much confidence as you write
down the history of the past.
Because it's science.
It's not make believe.
We don't believe
in Santa Claus.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Another finger sandwich?
- Thank you. Now if I follow this correctly...
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
Who's that guy?
Uh, Mr. Smitrovich takes
pictures for our newsletter.
Our understanding of the
true workings of history
gives us access to
the levers of power.
Your studio, for instance,
is a pure instrument of capitalism.
As such, it expresses the
contradictions of capitalism
and can be enlisted to
finance its own destruction.
Which is exciting.
It can be made to help the
little guy, the regular Joe.
- The body politic!
- Shut up!
Even though its purpose
is to exploit the little guy.
WRITER #4:
And the body politic.
- You're for the little guy?
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)
For the little guy or against,
it doesn't matter.
History will be
what it will be,
and we already
know what it'll be.
But yes, we're
for the little guy.
- Aren't you?
- Shut up!
Are you joking?
Me, for the little guy?
Of course I'm for
the little guy.
What, is this guy
a comedian?
(ALL CHUCKLING)
Listen, I better get back.
The studio's gotta be going nuts.
Can we cut it off now and
pick it up right here
at the next study session?
(CLEARS THROAT)
Okay, well, see...
I'm afraid it's
not that simple.
NARRATOR: And so, Baird Whitlock found
himself in the hands of communists.
Meanwhile, far from
the crashing surf of Malibu,
Eddie Mannix, torn from his lunch
with a Lockheed man,
hurries back to the vastness
of Capitol Pictures,
whose tireless
machinery clanks on,
producing this year's
ration of dreams
for all the weary
peoples of the world.
Hey, numbskull. Didn't you
see the rolling light was on?
Oh, I'm sorry, Mr. Mannix.
Can I help you find someone?
No.
- URSULINA: Autolochus!
- AUTOLOCHUS: Yes?
Why do you present yourself in my
chambers in such humble fashion?
Do not look
upon me, Ursulina.
The fires of the
brazier of Sestimus
have latterly
burned my face!
Though the unguents
of Arkimideus
promise shortly
to undo the damage.
Autolochus, you know
that my love is for you,
not for your station.
AUTOLOCHUS: And my ardor for you...
(STAMMERING)
CHUNK:
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"We are the Future."
What does that mean?
Beats me.
Somebody slipped
it under my door
sometime after we
broke this morning.
Mention it to anyone?
Nope.
Okay, well, let's
keep it that way.
Hey, by the way,
Chunk sounded good in there.
Natalie, could you please get
me Stu Schwartz, Accounting?
- (LINE BUZZES)
- NATALIE: Stu Schwartz on two.
Stu, how are ya?
I need some petty cash.
$100,000.
I'm sorry,
did I say petty?
Well, it's a long story,
and I'll tell it to you some time.
You have that much
in the office?
Yeah, how much space
will that take up?
Uh, Mr. Mannix?
All right,
this might do it.
Uh, Thora Thacker
just came in.
Wonders if you
have a moment.
Thora Thacker.
Tell her I'm
stuck on a call.
I'll leave
through the patio.
Call didn't take
so long then.
Yes. No.
Fast talkers.
What can I
do for you, Thora?
Well, I'll be fast, too.
I only wanted to
notify you as a courtesy
that I am running my
Baird Whitlock story.
Yeah?
What's the story?
The story. I have a credible
source and I am going to run it,
and I think you know
what story I mean.
I have no idea.
There's nothing going on with Baird.
I would know, wouldn't I?
Don't play dumb, Eddie.
I am talking about
On Wings as Eagles.
What?
Running it tomorrow.
First of all...
First of all, there's
nothing to that story.
I've heard it,
it's been around forever,
and it's never
been confirmed.
And secondly,
you can't print that.
Even if you could print it,
you couldn't print it.
And you wouldn't want to, Thora.
It's beneath you.
The facts are
never beneath me.
People don't want the facts,
they wanna believe!
That's our great industry,
mine and yours, too.
They wanna believe
that Baird Whitlock
is a great star
and a good man.
You're admitting he isn't.
No, I'm saying he is,
though it's beside the point.
There's nothing to it,
nothing to the gossip.
I am not
a gossip columnist!
No, no, no,
of course not.
Don't confuse me
with my sister!
Hardly. But look, do you
have to run it tomorrow?
It's my entire column.
I'm happy to talk
to Baird for comment,
but it will have to
be this afternoon.
Baird's unavailable
right now. Wait one day.
Ha!
Thora, wait one
day and I'll give you
a true story for
tomorrow's column.
A little something
about Hobie Doyle.
My readers don't
care about Hobie Doyle.
He wears chaps!
Do they care about
Carlotta Valdez?
They're sweet on each other.
You should see the two of them together.
Like peas in a pod.
Trade the story of my career for
a puff piece on Hobie Doyle?
I don't think so.
You're not trading anything,
you're waiting one day
on a story
that's years old.
Wait one day.
I can let you talk to Baird,
show you your
story's the bunk.
If I'm wrong, no skin off your nose.
You run the column.
In the meantime,
you have an exclusive.
No one else knows
about Hobie and Carlotta.
No kidding.
You're it.
What kind of name
is Thora, anyway?
It's a name that 19
million readers trust.
Don't play games
with them, Eddie.
Oh, nobody's
playing games here.
(BAG STRAINING)
Is that big enough?
(LOCKS LATCHING)
Hello, Eddie.
I'm notifying you as a courtesy
before I run
tomorrow's story.
Thessaly?
Yeah, I just saw your...
Ah, never mind. How you doing?
What's the story?
It's about
Baird Whitlock.
There's absolutely no truth to
that old story, believe me.
- Old?
- Old, stale, rotten and...
I'm talking about today.
What?
A little bird told me that he
disappeared from the set today.
Oh, that! No, no.
Yes, he did
have to take a break.
Minor injury.
High ankle sprain.
What did you
think I meant?
No, nothing. I saw
your sister earlier.
She was trying to resurrect
some old gossip about Baird.
Oh, I'm sure
she was, that cow!
She wouldn't know a news story
if it bit her on the posterior.
- Yeah, well, she's...
- High ankle sprain?
Is that really the best
you could come up with?
We all know about the womanizing
and the drinking jags
and those trips
to San Berdoo.
Baird is a good family man.
He has a high ankle sprain.
Mr. Mannix?
What's up, Peanut?
Natalie told me
to find you PDQ.
I know it sounds screwy,
but she said
someone's calling
from the future.
Good Lord! Thessaly,
I have to run.
If you do know where Baird is,
you must let me talk to him.
Sure. I'll find out where
he is right away, Thessaly,
and I'm sure...
Say, what kind of
name is Thessaly, anyway?
It's a name that 20
million readers trust.
They want the truth, Eddie.
The truth, yes.
Mmm-hmm.
We're gonna
give it to them.
On three.
And Hobie Doyle is in there.
- Hey.
- HOBIE: Hello, Mr. Mannix.
EDDIE: Thanks for
coming, Hobie. One second.
- Hello, Mannix...
- (DIAL TONE)
Damn.
Hung up, Natalie.
Tell me the second they call back.
NATALIE: Yes, sir.
What's going
on there, Mr. Mannix?
Looks like you're
expecting rain.
No, it's nothing.
How's the first
day on the picture?
You getting comfortable?
Oh, I guess it's
going pretty good.
Uh, that Mr. Laurentz,
he's an awful good man.
He's helping me
get through it.
I give him all the
credit in the world,
me being the new hand
in the bunkhouse.
They got me talking a lot,
which takes a little
getting used to,
talking with the camera looking
at me, but, heck, I enjoy.
Oh, good, that's fine.
Usually on a picture,
I just say, "Whitey" or "Whoa, there."
But this one here,
it's talking.
And it's people listening.
That threw me
a little at first,
but I think I got
my leg up on her now.
That's fine.
Laurentz came by this morning
to tell me how
well you're doing.
You just continue to
do whatever he says.
He knows how to make
a quality picture.
That is true. He will not quit
on a take until it has quality.
- (LINE BUZZES)
- That them?
NATALIE: Sorry, sir, no.
Do you want
Mrs. Mannix on one?
Hiya, hon.
You know, busy.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I thought he asked
to play infield.
I see.
Maybe we should make him
honor that commitment.
That's true.
No, of course, you're right.
Okay. Okay,
I'll call the coach.
Sure.
I love you, too.
Mr. Mannix,
you want me to run out
and get you a bigger grip?
That one looks
a little bit snug.
(LOCKS CLICKING)
Hobie.
There's $100,000 in
that attach case.
Ransom money.
Baird Whitlock
has been kidnapped.
This is bad.
Bad for movie stars
everywhere.
And you got no idea who's
mixed up in this thing?
I would look at the extras.
The extras? Why?
Well, you just never know about an extra.
They come and go.
Everyone else, I'm on the set,
I see the guy setting the 5K,
I think, "Why, there's
old Bud setting the 5K."
Script girl,
wrangler, same thing.
Extras, that's different.
Not making
a blanket call here.
I mean, there's good
extras and bad extras.
All I'm saying...
(CLEARS THROAT)
...you look at an extra,
you got no idea
what he's thinking.
(LINE BUZZES)
NATALIE:
He's back! Line two.
- Hello.
- You have the money?
Yes, I have it.
Stage 8?
Behind the electrical box?
Just leave it there?
And when do I get Baird?
When we have the money.
I'll do it right now.
Can I use your belt?
(SHIP HORN BLARING)
(BELL DINGING)
The Swingin' Dinghy
is closing, folks.
Time for me to clean up,
time for you to clear out.
So long, fellas.
See ya in eight months.
- GIRL #1: Toodle-oo.
- GIRL #2: See ya later, boys.
Eight months?
Yeah, we're shipping
out in the morning.
Golly! Eight months
without a dame.
Can you beat it?
You're gonna
have to beat it!
(GIRLS LAUGHING)
(SIGHS)
(SINGING)
We are heading out to sea
And however it'll be
- (PIANO PLAYING)
- It ain't gonna be the same
'Cause no matter what we see
When we're out
there on the sea
We ain't gonna see a dame
We'll be
searching high and low
On the deck and down below
But it's a crying shame
We'll see a lot of fish
But we'll never clock a dish
We ain't gonna see a dame
No dames
We might see
some octopuses
No dames
Or a half
a dozen clams
No dames
We might even
see a mermaid
ALL: (SINGING)
But mermaids got no gams
No gams
(FEET TAPPING RHYTHMICALLY)
Hey!
Off of there!
Hey, come on.
Hey! Come on.
Hey!
Oh, come on!
Oh, Christ!
Climb up and tappin'.
Ah, come on!
(METALLIC CLINKING)
(BELL RINGING)
SAILOR #1:
Have we got a girl for you!
SAILOR #2: (SINGING)
Out there on the sea
Here's how it will be
I'm gonna
dance with you, pal
You're gonna dance with me
ALL: (SINGING)
When we're out there on the sea
We'll be happy as can be
Or so the captain claims
But we have to disagree
'Cause the only guarantee
Is I'll see a lot of you
And you'll see a lot of me
ALL: And it's absolutely certain
that we'll see a lot of sea
But we ain't
gonna see no dames
SAILOR #2:
No dames!
We're gonna see
How will it be?
No dames!
With no dames!
We're gonna see
How will it be?
No dames!
No dames!
We're gonna see
And how will it be?
We ain't gonna see no...
This place looks open!
(SAILORS CHEERING)
What the...
You, out!
(EXCLAIMS)
Stop it! Hey! Hey!
- Quit it!
- Cut that out!
This ain't that
kind of a place!
ARNE: Cut!
- Yeah, okay.
- Okay, kids...
Okay.
Come here, Burt Gurney.
We go again.
Anything different,
Mr. Seslum?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, no.
Mostly pretty good,
but this time
don't put dishrag
on bartender's head.
You're a big star,
Burt Gurney.
Who cares about
the bartender?
- You are the star.
- (SCOFFS)
That's my whole character,
the slow burn.
Gosh, Mr. Seslum,
I don't mind if he wants to...
- It is decided.
- Hello, Burt.
Hello, Mr. Mannix.
- Arne.
- Hello.
Listen, I don't wanna stick my
nose in other people's business,
but, uh...
Well, I understand you've been
associating with DeeAnna Moran?
Yeah, yeah,
we associated.
Yes.
But no more, no more.
Don't you worry, Eddie Mannix.
But, Arne, you are
aware that she's...
This must not be in movie magazines,
that we are associated.
No, no,
of course not.
My wife cannot read this.
Your... Excuse me?
Ilsa Pflug.
Ilsa Pflug-Seslum.
In Malm.
I was not aware of that.
ARNE: Yeah, two children.
- And a third on the way, apparently.
- Mmm-hmm.
Do you enjoy physical culture,
Eddie Mannix? Do you ski?
No. I never took it up.
Seems like a lot of fun, Arne.
I no more associate
with DeeAnna Moran.
I hug you.
Goodbye.
BAIRD: I spent the night.
So, I feel somebody poking at me,
and I wake up and it's Clark.
And he says, "Well, your keys aren't
in there, so I guess we're walking."
(ALL LAUGHING)
This was back before
Gable was Gable.
Yeah, we used to go up to
San Berdoo every weekend.
Bob Stack would
come up sometimes.
Blue Grotto
was still open.
Dave Chasen
was a busboy.
Quite a place.
Yours?
Gracious, no. It belongs to
a member of our study group.
He couldn't be
here this afternoon.
He'll be sad to
have missed you.
He's a fan.
Uh-huh.
That's swell.
So, I black out,
I wake up here...
(WINCES)
And I say to myself,
- "Baird, you gotta stop doing this."
- (ALL LAUGHING)
But you're saying, actually,
technically, I was kidnapped.
Well, technically, yes.
There's gonna be a ransom?
I'd hardly
call it a ransom.
Benedict there.
That's Benedict de Bonaventure.
He wrote
The House of Ahasuaris.
Enormous hit. Made the
studio millions of dollars.
Did you see any of those
millions of dollars, Ben?
I did not.
Dutch over there.
Dutch Zweistrong wrote
All The Way To Uruguay.
I wrote all the
All The Way pictures.
All successful. You see any of
the profits, Dutch?
See, all of us
here are writers.
The pictures originated with us.
They're our ideas.
But they're owned
by the studio.
I'm not saying only writers
are being exploited.
I mean, look at
yourself, Baird.
The studio takes
pretty good care of me.
What are you, a child?
I think what Herschel's
trying to say is,
just because the studio owns
the means of production,
why should it be able to
take the money, our money,
the value created
by our labor,
and dole out
what it pleases?
That's not right.
So, no. No.
I wouldn't call it ransom.
- Payback.
- WRITER #1: That's right.
Now, until quite recently our
study group had a narrow focus.
We concentrated on getting communist
content into motion pictures.
Always in a sub
rosa way, of course.
And we were
pretty darn successful.
You remember in
Kerner's Corner
the town hall scene
where the alderman
overturned the
rotten election
and made Gus the mayor?
Yeah.
Well, I like to think
we've changed a few minds.
But then Dr. Marcuse came down from
Stanford, joined the study group
and started teaching
us about direct action.
- Praxis.
- Action.
We each pursue our
own economic interest.
We ourselves are not above
the laws of history.
But in pursuing our
interests with vigor,
we accelerate the dialectic
and hasten the end of history and
the creation of the New Man.
- Plus, we make a little dough.
- DUTCH: Shut up!
We're not even
talking about money!
We're talking about economics.
Sure, good.
Good stuff.
So, now, uh, do I get
a share of the ransom?
- No.
- (ALL LAUGHING)
No, Mr. Whitlock, you can hardly
share in your own ransom.
That would be unethical.
I don't know. That doesn't
seem fair, fellas.
I mean, the whole setup only
works if I play along, right?
If I don't let on that I
know who kidnapped me.
Well, yes, that's right.
What if I name names?
If I just tell the truth.
Uh...
I don't think you'll
do that, Mr. Whitlock.
What if we told the truth
about On Wings as Eagles?
EDDIE: Sid.
We have to work something
out for DeeAnna Moran.
She get married again?
No, that's the problem.
Having a child, not married.
Whew. Tough.
Yeah, no father.
Well, of course
there is one somewhere.
- But who knows?
- Exactly.
So is there any way...
I'm just spitballing here.
Any way she could
adopt her own child?
- Interesting. As a single...
- Mmm-hmm.
- She disappears for a while, reappears.
- Uh-huh.
She wants to share her
blessings, adopt a child.
Sure. She's always
yearned to be a mother.
That's it.
Well, I don't see
why not.
Nothing in the
California statute
prohibits adoption by one's own parent.
Mmm-hmm.
This is new ground.
Technically, she'd have
to give up the baby
to a third party.
Joe Silverman.
Joe Silverman. Exactly.
He's the foster father
for a few days.
She hands the kid to Joe,
he hands it back.
I'll do some research.
All right.
NATALIE:
Mr. Mannix, it's 5:30.
This is exciting.
NATALIE:...and asked all of the assistant
directors, and one of them said
that an extra in the courtyard of
Sestimus Amydias seemed jumpy.
All right. Get Walt
the name of the extra
so he can bring
him in and sweat him.
Walt should tell him that
we won't press charges
if he tells us where
Baird's been taken.
NATALIE: Check.
And if he plays dumb,
or the AD's wrong and he is dumb,
check the other extras.
- Check. Thessaly Thacker called,
- (GROANS)
said you promised her an
interview with Baird today.
Check that. It was
Thora Thacker.
No, it's Thessaly.
Tell her he was at the
doctor longer than expected,
and she can see him on the set
bright and early tomorrow.
Check. And is that
last part true?
Let's hope so.
Oh, that reminds me.
I need a list of
everyone who worked on
On Wings as Eagles
who's still at the studio.
On Wings as Eagles?
That's a while ago now.
Aside from Baird and the director,
it won't be a long list.
Yeah. Get it for me.
That it?
Uh, no.
One more thing.
A Mr. Cuddahy called,
- said you know him.
- Yeah, yeah.
He said it's urgent,
he'll see you one last time,
suggested same place,
7:00 this evening.
Why? Never mind.
Okay, tell him
I'll be there.
CAD:
Back to your place?
WOMAN:
Oh, What a bore.
Hello, C.C.
WOMAN: I rather thought
we might go to Lake...
Oh, hi, Eddie.
Wanna lace up what you got
on Merrily We Dance?
It's up now.
I'll put some music on it.
(PROJECTOR WHIRRING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
CAD: Taxi!
(TYRES SCREECHING)
Back to your place?
Oh, What a bore.
I rather thought we might go to
Lake Onondaga for the weekend.
Just the two of us.
Don't have my valise.
I left it in your foyer.
Oh, you'll get by
without a change.
Suits me.
If you don't mind skipping out
on your own party, Allegra.
Suits me.
And skipping out on Monty.
That suits me as well.
- Oh, poor Monty.
- (BOTH CHUCKLING)
What Monty doesn't know...
Won't hurt Monty.
DIERDRE: Oh, Monty.
Come join me
on the divan.
It seems Allegra's a no-show,
which is simply a bore.
But I'll...
(C.C CALHOUN CHOKING)
(SOFTLY) Reverse.
(STRAINING)
Reverse! Reverse!
(EXCLAIMING)
Whoa!
- Whoa!
- (CHAIR THUDS)
I shouldn't wear scarves.
It seems Allegra's a no-show,
which is simply a bore.
But I'll partner
you in bridge.
Why the pout?
(CLICKS TONGUE)
It's complicated.
How pleasant to see
you again, Mr. Mannix.
Thanks for
coming back, Mannix.
EDDIE: Sure.
You're taking us down
to the wire, aren't ya?
It's not a ploy,
it's a big decision.
Absolutely. No foul.
But the board
was concerned
when I couldn't give them
a yes this afternoon,
so they authorized me
to say this.
You sign on, your term
of contract is 10 years.
(WHISTLES)
Yeah. You get it, right?
That means your stock options
are guaranteed to vest.
You'd never
have to work again
if you chose to retire
after your term.
Think about it.
Lifetime employment.
You wouldn't be a glorified
working stiff like you are now,
and you'd be running a business,
not a circus.
Drink?
Cigarette?
No, no. I gotta run.
I should talk this
over with my wife.
Of course. Talk it over,
think about your family,
let us know
in the morning.
Oh! (CHUCKLES)
If you think
this is a bribe,
you're absolutely right.
You have two kids, right?
A boy and a girl?
That's right.
They love this stuff.
Used to be trains.
(MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO)
CARLOTTA: Hello, Hobie.
Oh, hello, Carlotta.
Am I late?
Oh, no, it ain't nothin'.
Thanks an awful bunch for
coming to this picture with me.
I don't know if
you like livestock,
but I think it's got
moments, I really do.
You look very purty.
Thank you, Hobie!
I'm sure I'll
like the picture.
I like all of your pictures.
Well, I like yours, too.
They are just
the craziest things.
Uh, is it hard to dance with
all them bananas on your head?
Oh, no.
Anyone can do it.
It's all in the hips and the lips
and the eyes and the thighs.
(DOOR OPENING)
Little Eddie wanted me to tell
you about his baseball game.
They won.
That is terrific.
(SIGHS) Gosh, I never
called the coach.
Eddie played at shortstop?
Mmm. And he did so well,
he wants to stay there now.
That's great.
Took care of itself.
And Darlene did very well
on her Spanish test.
That's good.
She was worried about that.
Hey, thanks for heating
up the roast, hon.
Warm glass of milk?
Uh, no, thanks, hon.
Coffee.
I gotta run back
to the studio.
A few things
to take care of.
- Gee, another late night.
- Hmm.
You know, Lockheed
improved their offer.
Darned good money,
and the hours wouldn't be
crazy like this either.
It's nice
to be wanted.
Yeah. Sure, but...
What do you think?
They wanna know tomorrow.
(SIGHS)
I like the shorter hours.
But what do you think, honey?
You know best.
Hmm.
How's it going with
the smoking, dear?
Oh, you know...
NARRATOR: The denizens of Los Angeles
make ready for nightlife, or for sleep.
But Eddie Mannix
will have neither.
Even in westerly Malibu,
the sun has moved on,
leaving the vast
and tireless sea
to heave itself
blindly upon the shore.
The communists welcome
a rare moment of leisure.
Brief surcease from struggle.
Baird Whitlock has
become their acolyte,
a convert to their cause,
his belief compelled
but not grudging.
He now seeks to learn more
from Professor Marcuse
and becomes
ever more committed
to the quest to hasten
an end to history
and bring on the New Man.
Herb, that's exactly
what I'm talking about.
That's what happened to me when
I went to Reno with Danny Kaye,
and he asked me
to shave his back.
The exact same thing.
Because I'm thinking,
"Who benefits?"
Also, I gotta tell ya, everybody
thinks that Danny is a jerk.
He's not really a jerk.
It's just the theory generating
its own anti-theory.
Anyway, there we were,
it's me and Danny,
and I'm wondering
what the hell am I doing
with a razor
in my hand.
And he says it's for
a Norman Taurog picture.
But Judy Canova is there,
and she knows Norman.
She says, "Danny's not doing
a Norman Taurog picture.
"He just wants you
to shave his back!"
And that's who benefits.
NARRATOR:
In livelier precincts,
the swells of Dreamland
gather to inspect
the completed weave
of another piece of gossamer.
Another movie,
another portion of balm
for the ache of
a toiling mankind.
CURLY: Where is she?
Hold your horses,
I'm right here.
What's on your
mind, Curly?
CURLY: It's not my fault
you saw me take
that pie off the sill,
Ms. McGraw.
Not your fault? Whose
fault was it, Curly?
Why, that crazy,
lazy full moon!
Two weeks ago, you'd
never seen me take it.
(CHUCKLES)
Darn you, moon!
What good are you anyway?
Don't know
about this part.
They only give me
one shot at the song.
I wish there
never was no moon.
I wish there weren't
no bossy old women!
Don't blame that moon, Curly.
She can't do nothin' but shine.
(SINGING)
Lazy ol' moon, keep shinin'
Darn you.
HOBIE: (SINGING)
Shinin' down on me
You turned Curly Strimlin in to the
authorities for the last time!
HOBIE: (SINGING)
Lazy ol' moon, keep shinin'
Shinin'just to be
On that ol' plantation
where I used to roam
Light my weary
way back home
Darn! Where'd she go?
HOBIE: (SINGING)
Lazy ol' moon, keep shinin'
Shinin' down for me
(SIRENS WAILING)
NARRATOR: Another part of town,
another cast of characters,
another task
for Eddie Mannix.
We're just
getting started.
I've been taking
DeeAnna through this.
So Joe has done
just a whole lot of good
work for us in the past.
Whenever we've needed a witness
or a third party for...
I don't know, a petition of grievance
or alienation of affection.
And he's reliable?
I'm bonded, miss.
Joseph Silverman is the
most reliable human being
on the planet
in our experience.
When Chubby Cregar
was intoxicated
and hit that
pedestrian on Gower,
we had the vehicle title
transferred to Joe's name,
and Joe did six months
in LA County lockup.
But you're off
the sauce now?
I never touch it.
It was a legal fiction.
That's right.
When the studio needs
someone who meets
the legal standard of, uh...
How did you put it, Sid?
Personhood.
Joe steps in and
acts as the person.
So you're a
professional person?
That's right, miss.
Initial here and here.
SID: Joe will be the foster
parent until such time as
you adopt the child,
which you can do as soon as
Joe takes possession of it.
And he's reliable?
I'm bonded, miss.
The release papers
you're signing
will not be a matter
of public record.
All these documents will be
sealed until the year 2015.
And no one's
the wiser.
SID: No one the wiser.
No fans, no press, no court officials,
not even a notary public.
EDDIE: Joe himself
is the notary.
You must have
very strong forearms.
Is it hard
squeezing it like that?
It's part of the job, miss.
Late night, Mr. Mannix?
Late night for both of us.
Will you call Projection
Seven and have them
lace up yesterday's
dailies on Hail, Caesar!
Sure thing.
Yesterday's?
Thanks, Scotty.
(GRUNTING)
AUTOLOCHUS: Romans before slaves!
Make room, you fools!
Romans before slaves!
Romans before slaves!
Make room!
- How's that? What do you think?
- DIRECTOR: Cut!
CLAPPER BOY:
27, Baker two.
DIRECTOR: Action.
Go ahead,
I'm listening.
Walt talked to the extra.
Right guy.
No info. Doesn't know
where they took Baird,
but described the truck
they put him in.
DIRECTOR: Cut! Good!
Walt found the guy who owns the
truck and is talking to him.
CLAPPER BOY:
Baker four.
- Walt's a problem-solver. He's a good man.
- DIRECTOR: Action!
What else?
PR just called in their report
on the Hobie Doyle premiere.
Warm reception.
- I got something... I had spittle.
- Good.
- CLAPPER BOY: Baker six.
- DIRECTOR: Action.
- Okay.
- He's terrific.
DIRECTOR: Squint! Squint
against the grandeur.
It's blinding! Blinding!
- (MUSIC PLAYING)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
HOBIE: Now, let's see
what we can do here.
Okay.
Well, I don't think it's regulation size,
but it'll have to do.
You ever heard of origami,
what the Japanese do?
- Uh-huh.
- This here's Italian origami.
Yeah?
See, now you just...
Whoop!
Let's see how
she does now.
Oh, she's peekin' back.
Oh! There she goes.
(LAUGHING)
She's bawlin'.
- Clear!
- Ah!
This is why I never
order it with meat sauce.
How'd you get into
pictures, Hobie?
Got roped into it.
(LAUGHING)
Stop!
Don't play
with your food.
Food!
You're the one
playing with it.
Stop it!
Pictures. Well,
I wrangled for a while,
and then they saw I
could say a line or two,
and I was Bad Clem
or Deputy Number Two
or a guy's buddy
for a couple of years,
and then someone heard me sing
and they made me the guy.
You're awfully cute.
Oh, heck, you ain't seen the half of it.
I'll show you cute.
Just a second here,
a little souvenir from my rodeo days.
(LAUGHING)
Tell you what,
I was steer-bustin',
and I went down and
the steer went up,
and my teeth headed
off for east Texas.
Here, it's coming
around again.
Whoo!
(SINGING)
You gotta give a little
Take a little
BOTH: And let your poor
heart break a little
That's the story of...
CARLOTTA:
That's the glory of love
You gotta laugh a little,
cry a little
And let the clouds
roll by a...
Well, now,
this is interesting.
I didn't know you
two were friends.
Oh, heck, yeah.
We just caught my picture Lazy Ol' Moon,
and I guess we're...
Yes, we're friends.
We're...
We're fixin' to be friendly,
tell you that.
That's good.
"Fixin' to be friendly."
That can be my
column headline.
Oh, I guess
that'd be okay.
Have a good evening.
(EXHALES)
I mentioned
the name of my picture.
I think we're
supposed to do that.
Well, now,
this is interesting.
I thought I was getting
an exclusive on this.
I'd like to know what the
hell is going on here.
Oh, well, like I said, we just
saw Lazy Ol' Moon, and...
And Hobie and I are
fixin' to be friendly.
- What?
- HOBIE: We're just...
THORA:
Friends, my foot!
What's the matter, Hobie?
- I gotta skedaddle. So sorry.
- Oh!
Have to catch one of
your pictures next time.
I'm looking
forward to it.
CARLOTTA: Bye, Hobie.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Hey, toss me
them keys, pard.
I'm taking the car.
Hobie Doyle?
You're a communist, too?
So, it's commies.
You ever been in this place?
Pretty nice, huh?
It's Burt Gurney's.
He sings, he dances,
he's got taste.
You here alone?
Everybody else went
down to the beach.
Well, all right, pard.
Let's us head on
back to town.
You got Mr. Mannix
worried sick.
(DOG BARKING)
Easy.
Easy.
Here!
(EXHALES)
(WATER GURGLING)
(SONAR BEEPING)
(BARKING)
Take care of him.
Comrade. Comrade!
We salute you.
You are going to Moscow
to become Soviet Man
and help forge the future.
We stay behind, continuing
to serve in our disguise
as capitalist handmaidens.
But the money should
go to the cause,
not to the servants
of the cause.
- ALL: Yes!
- That's right.
We... Well...
Our modest contribution
to the Comintern.
They will be pleased.
(ENGELS BARKING)
No! No!
Engels!
(ALL GASPING)
(WHIMPERING) No.
(ALL SIGHING)
(SUBMARINE SIRENS BLARING)
(MEN GRUNTING)
(SONAR BEEPING)
Oh.
BAIRD: Oh, boy! It's late.
I'm in the doghouse.
Better forget
about my place.
- Drop me off at the Beverly Hills Hotel.
- (POLICE SIRENS BLARING)
HOBIE: All righty.
Huh.
Who are you?
Todd.
Todd.
You get a hot breakfast
or a box breakfast?
I don't know.
Are you a principal
or an extra?
I think
I'm a principal.
Yeah.
BAIRD: I'm thinking,
"What the hell?"
Woken up in some
strange houses before,
but never without
a broad next to me.
- Mmm-hmm.
- These guys are pretty interesting, though.
They've actually figured out the
laws that dictate everything.
History, sociology, politics,
morality, everything.
It's all in a book
called Kapital, with a "K."
That right?
Yeah. And you're not
gonna believe this.
These guys even figured out
what's going on
here at the studio,
because the studio
is nothing more
- than an instrument of capitalism.
- Hmm.
Yeah, so we blindly follow these
laws like any other institution,
laws that these
guys figured out.
The studio makes pictures
to serve the system.
That is its function.
That's really what
we're up to here.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
It's just confirming what
they call the "status quo."
I mean, we may tell ourselves
that we're creating
something of artistic value,
or there's some sort of spiritual
dimension to the picture business.
But what it really is,
is this fat cat,
Nick Schenk,
out in New York,
running this factory,
serving up these lollipops to the...
What they used to call the
bread and circuses for the...
What...
(GRUNTS)
Now, you listen
to me, buster.
Nick Schenk and this studio
have been good to you
and to everyone else
who works here.
If I ever hear you bad-mouthing
Mr. Schenk again,
it will be the last
thing you say
before I have you
tossed in jail
for colluding in
your own abduction.
Eddie, I wouldn't...
I would never do that!
Shut up!
You're gonna go out there and
you're gonna finish Hail, Caesar!
You're gonna
give that speech
at the feet of the
penitent thief,
and you're gonna believe
every word you say.
(GRUNTING)
You're gonna do it
because you're an actor
and that's what you do,
just like the director
does what he does,
and the writer
and the script girl
and the guy who
claps the slate.
You're gonna do it because
the picture has worth!
And you have worth if
you serve the picture,
and you're never gonna
forget that again.
(MUMBLING)
I won't forget, Eddie.
You're damn right
you won't.
Not as long as
I run this dump.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Baird.
Go out there
and be a star.
NATALIE: Mr. Mannix!
Since you're
going to your car,
I thought you might
wanna take this.
What is it?
From DeeAnna Moran.
Thank you, and she
doesn't need to
adopt her baby
after all.
Huh?
She asked Joe Silverman out
for dinner last night,
and I guess
it went well.
They drove to
Palm Springs
and were married at
3:00 this morning.
- Huh.
- (SIGHS)
Will you be gone long?
Today's call list to go through.
No, less than an hour.
Personal errand.
It's a nice arrangement.
She charged it
to the studio.
Right. (GASPS)
Just coming to see you.
Good morning. Uh...
Sorry about last night, Thora.
I didn't know your sister would show up.
Well, that's as may be, but I
certainly learned my lesson.
Whatever you say today,
Eddie Mannix,
my column tomorrow
is about
On Wings as Eagles.
Thora, I wouldn't do
that if I were you.
I'm sure you wouldn't.
No, no, no, you don't understand.
Let's sit down.
I'm telling you not to run the column,
Thora, for your own good.
(LAUGHS)
I can judge
my own interest.
This will be
the story of the year.
And it so happens
the Hearst syndicate
are looking to pick up
a Hollywood column.
And you think this
will cinch it for you?
You know it will.
Baird Whitlock,
your biggest star,
got his first major part
in On Wings as Eagles
by engaging in sodomy
with the picture's director,
Laurence Laurentz.
Oh, we've all
heard the story.
But here's something
you haven't heard.
Your source
is a communist.
If you print it,
it'll be dismissed
as a commie smear tactic,
and you'll be dismissed
as a commie stooge.
Burt Gurney has
left the country.
The cell he was part of has
been smashed by the police.
Might have thought
he was credible
because he's Mr. Laurentz's
current protg,
but you don't want to be seen as
Burt Gurney's mouthpiece after this.
How did you know
Burt was my source?
Late last night,
I talked to Laurence,
put two and two together.
Well, no reason to send this
since I ran into you.
It's my way of apology for
Thessaly horning in last night.
I do value
our friendship, Thora,
but I'm late for
something important.
(GOAT BLEATING)
(WOMAN SOBBING)
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
Why on your knees before
this Hebrew, Autolochus?
I encountered him
before, Gracchus.
Beside the well
of Jehosaphat.
And what manner of man.
He's a priest of
the Israelites,
despised even by
the other priests.
No.
On yesterday's march,
punished by the
dust of the road,
I sought to drink
first at the well,
before the slaves
in my charge,
whose thirst was far
greater than my own.
A Roman drinks
before a slave.
This man was
giving water to all.
He saw no Roman,
he saw no slave.
He saw only men, weak men,
and gave succor.
He saw suffering,
which he sought to ease.
He saw sin,
and gave love.
Love, Autolochus?
He saw my own sin,
Gracchus, and greed.
But in his eyes, I saw
no shadow of reproach.
I saw only light.
The light of God.
You mean,
of the gods.
I do not, friend Gracchus.
This Hebrew is
a son of the one God.
The God of this
far-flung tribe.
And why shouldn't
God's anointed appear here
among these strange people,
to shoulder their sins?
Here, Gracchus,
in this sun-drenched land.
Why should He
not take this form,
the form of
an ordinary man?
A man bringing us
not the old truths,
but a new one.
A new truth?
AUTOLOCHUS: A truth beyond
the truth that we can see.
A truth beyond this world.
A truth told not in words,
but in light.
A truth that we could see
if we had but...
If we had but...
Cut! Cut! "Faith!
Have but faith!"
- (BELL RINGING)
- "Faith."
"Faith. Faith!"
God damn it!
Go one again.
Isn't it...
They changed it.
You got most of it, man.
You're all right.
All right, hang on.
(SIGHS)
Can I get a pat down?
I'm sweating like a pig in this thing.
Ah, son of a bitch!
(SIGHS)
Bless me, Father,
for I have sinned.
How long since your
last confession, my son?
It's been,
what, 27 hours.
It's really
too often, my son.
You're not
that bad.
I don't know, Father.
I snuck a cigarette.
Or two.
I didn't make it home
in time for dinner.
(SIGHS)
And I, uh, struck
a movie star in anger.
All right.
Five Hail Marys.
Okay.
Okay.
Father?
Yes, my son.
May I ask you
something, Father?
Of course, my son.
If there's something
that's easy,
is that wrong?
Easy?
Yeah, easy to do.
Easy to...
Like, an easy job.
No, it's not a bad job.
It's not bad.
But, then, there's this other
job that's not so easy.
No, in fact, it's hard.
It's so hard, Father...
Sometimes I don't know
if I can keep doing it,
but it seems right.
I don't know
how to explain.
God wants us to
do what's right.
Yeah.
Yeah, of course
He does.
The inner voice that
tells you what's right,
it comes from God,
my son.
Yeah, I got it.
That's His way
of saying that...
Yeah, yeah,
I got it.
NATALIE: Still raining
in Gallup, New Mexico.
And the Tucumcari crew
has shot all the plates
we need for
Came the Rain.
Well, just shoot the showdown in
the weather and we'll retitle it.
Tucumcari Tempest,
Desert Squall, Hold Back The Storm.
NARRATOR: The stories begin,
the stories end.
I don't know,
bounce it off the writers.
NARRATOR:
So it has been.
Here's today's
call list.
Add a call to a Mr. Cuddahy
at the Lockheed Corporation.
Long call?
Short?
"Thanks, but no thanks."
How long was that?
NARRATOR: But the story
of Eddie Mannix...
Who do we call first?
...will never end.
New York first.
Time to check in
with Mr. Schenk.
NARRATOR: For his is a tale
written in light everlasting.
Sub Upload Date: May 26, 2016