1
- (BIRDS SINGING)
- (PLAYFUL CHATTER)
(DOG BARKING)
MAN: (ON RADIO) What's clear is we have
a housing crisis that we've never seen before.
RADIO HOST: We have
a crisis of affordable homes,
not luxury apartments.
You'll let the developers continue to develop
until they swallow the city whole,
won't you?
MAN: That's simply not true.
RADIO HOST: Two of your cabinet
colleagues say otherwise.
Look, they're on record saying the opposite.
MAN: I don't know where you got that from.
- (THUNDER RUMBLING)
- MAN: It is our policy to guarantee
any new development contains
a fair proportion of affordable units.
RADIO HOST:
Yes, but you and I well know
there are plenty of loopholes in place
to get around that.
MAN: Not true again.
(RAIN PATTERING ON WINDOW)
Oh.
(GROANS)
(WATER DRIPPING)
Morning, Xavier.
Any mail?
Huh?
(MAN AND WOMAN MOANING)
It's a war film.
Yeah.
Hate to disturb you in the heat of battle,
but my mail.
Mmm.
Oh.
- From the taxman.
- Right.
Again.
(SCOFFS) Oh.
Yeah.
MAN: That should do it.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(EXHALES)
Forget it.
Okay, what's it today?
A little march against farm-raised salmon.
Sounds like you're swimming
against the current.
- Oh...
- Oh.
- Speak up for salmon. June 25th.
- Yeah, thanks.
BOY: Oh, come on. Catch it!
(DOG BARKING)
MAN: Anyway, were you
at that party last night?
Ah. Fantastic.
That's yours.
Hey, listen, that bottle that you gave...
You little...
There, now.
That's a good boy.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(GRUNTS)
- Sounds fantastic. Yeah, great.
- Hello. Good morning.
I can't wait. I'll see you then. Okay. Bye.
- Sorry, do you mind?
- Hm?
Do you mind?
(KNOCK ON WINDOW)
Thank you.
Sure. No problem.
- Maybe if you just...
- (THUDS)
- What? Oh, my God! No, no, no, dear.
- (CHILD LAUGHS)
No, no, no, that... That's not okay.
No, no, we don't do that. No.
That's not... No, no.
- Okay, here we go.
- (CRIES)
That's right, right over here.
CHILD: Go away. (CRIES)
Did you just tie up my daughter?
- Well...
- Shame on you. Come on, darling.
CHILD: Mummy, that lady was horrible.
Oh, that's good. Oh, that's great.
Thank you so much. Bye.
(SIGHS)
- Oh!
- Ah!
Emily.
How's it going?
Oh, fine. Everything's fine, thank you.
Good, good.
Well, um,
- I'd better get running, I guess.
- Oh, you bet.
Oh. Careful. Congress is in session.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh.
Oh, sorry. Whoa!
Oh.
Right, er, hedge watering, drain blockage.
What's next? Ah, yes.
Building maintenance.
It's time for our five-yearly facelift,
I'm afraid, this year.
You know.
Painting, pointing, that sort of thing.
Unfortunately, the estimate
that they've given us
- is approximately 60,000.
- (ALL EXCLAIM)
Yeah, I know.
So each flat is gonna be responsible
for about 5,000.
Oh, well, there goes the shoe budget.
I need to marry a millionaire.
You married a millionaire.
I need a spare.
What if this one pops his clogs?
(LAUGHS)
Oh.
Oh, I'm sorry, Emily. That was thoughtless.
No, it's fine. It's fine.
Okay, yes, so, erm, 5,000 should,
should just about cover it,
so long as the roof holds up.
Oh, Emily, you live up there.
There's nothing... Any problems to report?
Oh, no, none. None that could...
I can't think of one.
Good, good. Right.
Oh, yes, there's one final thing.
They've applied for planning permission
to put that dreadful Haleton Hospital
relic across the road
into some really decent flats.
Now, this is a cause
we absolutely must get behind.
Let's put that old decaying hospital
out of its misery once and for all.
No, but I was just thinking...
Oh, come along, Emily.
Why must we live opposite a decrepit eyesore
we all complain about?
- Very true.
- So, all I need you to do
is to write some letters of support
to the council.
- Drinks on Sunday?
- Ooh, lovely.
- Johnny's back from New York.
- Oh, hurrah.
Bye, darling. Speak later.
Oh, Emily, how are you?
Well, I'm fine. Why?
Well, I just like to know, that's all.
Listen, could you be an absolute star
and come back tonight?
There's something I need to talk about.
Oh, well, I'm sorry,
but I'm having dinner with Philip tonight.
Oh! You can cancel him. He's only your son.
- I'll be sure to send him your love.
- Well, tomorrow night, then.
It would mean a lot to me.
Fiona,
I really don't want to meet anyone
else over one of your dinners.
Emily, listen. Shh.
Charles has been gone for a year now.
I mean, you miss him, I miss him.
We all miss him.
I mean, Rory still doesn't know what to do
without his best friend.
I know how hard it must be for you, so,
come on, you at least need a good time.
Well, you know me. I just... Mediocre times,
that's about all I can handle right now.
You need to break out of this, Emily.
No, you know what I'm saying?
If you wait too long,
we shrivel up like some imported apricot
sitting on the shelf in Waitrose.
(LAUGHS) Oh, well...
I shall carry that image with me all day.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(TWIGS SNAP)
(CLEARS THROAT)
LEON: Hello? Hello? Anyone here?
Oh! Greetings. I'm Leon Rolands.
You must be Donald Horner.
Apologies for the fright. Um...
So this. This deed is a title of ownership
from Brevon International Limited.
And this, of course, is an eviction notice.
Er, right, I mean,
seeing as we, meaning Brevon,
have received no response
from you regarding our orders to vacate,
over the last two months, well...
Here we are.
It really is in your best interest
to take this seriously.
Veg?
Oh. No, thank you.
LEON: No, really, you're... You're too kind. I...
I...
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Mmm.
I visited Dad yesterday.
You did?
It was exactly a year ago yesterday, Mum.
EMILY: Mmm.
I put some flowers on his grave.
Did you remember?
Well, of course, I did.
I'm going tomorrow.
What?
The pink ones are the most pricey.
I've been talking to Nigel.
Since when have you started
talking to my accountant?
Since he called me to say he can't
represent you any more.
He's been trying to contact
you for weeks. Exasperated,
he called me.
You're running out of money, Mum.
Well, maybe I'm just running
out of the money I told him about.
Look, I worry about you.
Dad was always so good with money.
Your father wasn't a perfect man, Philip.
Please don't do this.
Well, what should I do?
I know you.
You see problems,
you pull your head into your shell.
I'm not always gonna be here, Mum.
What... Whoa. What does...
What does that mean?
Well...
Actually, I've been offered a new job.
But it might mean that I have to move abroad.
Oh, I see, so that's it. Right, of course.
And that's why the sudden
dinner date, right? I see.
So you're actually going to be leaving in...
Well, that's fine. I'm gonna be
perfectly fine with that.
You have to change, Mum.
- Huh?
- Things have to change.
I don't know. What am I...
What are you saying, honey?
Really, what am I supposed to do?
Am I supposed to go out there and get
myself some kind of a high-powered job?
With what? I mean, I have no skills.
None that matter.
I have nothing of value to offer anyone.
I'm sorry. I... I didn't...
No, it's okay.
- I didn't mean to upset you.
- It's all right.
Just take it in steps, that's all.
Steps.
I don't know, maybe sell something.
EMILY: Sell something? I'm...
What am I gonna do?
There must be something.
There must be... No, no, no, no, that's not it.
What...
(COUGHS)
(EXHALES)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Let me see how...
- Yeah.
- (GLASSES CLINK)
Ow!
Okay...
- (MOBILE RINGING)
- Oh!
Okay.
Come on. Where the heck is it?
Okay, got it.
- Hello?
- Yes, I... I'm a friend of Fiona Ashton.
My name is James Smythe.
Oh, I... Oh, yes, of course.
- The accountant?
- Yes.
Yeah. Oh, well, I just wanted to ask...
Well, I... I have one or two
pressing matters that, um,
you might be able to help me with.
We can discuss this at Villa Bianca.
You want to meet at some expensive
Hampstead restaurant
to discuss my financial problems?
Perfect. Let's say 1:00, then.
One... Then when?
- Tomorrow.
- Tomorrow?
Great. See you then.
Hm.
Oh, beautiful.
(GASPS)
Wait a minute. Wait.
(EXCLAIMS)
(EXHALES)
A little march against farm-raised salmon?
A little march against farm-raised...
(LIVELY CHATTER)
- A march against farm-raised salmon?
- No, thanks.
It's a really good cause.
The way they're treated is disgusting.
Farm-raised salmon. Thank you so much.
- Guys, excuse me. Farm-raised salmon.
- Keep up!
(MUTTERING)
Oh. Yes.
Ohh! Ah.
Mmm!
I'm sorry, excuse me, but is everything okay?
Hm? Oh, yes, yes. Why?
Well...
I mean, you just grunted.
And I just thought...
Do you think this is the right place
to be doing this? Maybe we should go...
Oh. Well, no, they... they kind of...
They kind of know me here.
EMILY: Oh.
And based on what Fiona said, I...
I assumed you needed a, a nice lunch.
Oh, I see. What else did Fiona say?
Oh, um, nothing really. Um... Things.
Listen, um...
It's not good. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
And, um, I have a sense that this is just
the sort of tip of the iceberg.
Yeah, I know. I left the iceberg at home.
(CHUCKLES) That's good.
Do you think you could help me, though,
- in some way? I...
- Oh, no, I...
I can get you out of this.
- No, not a problem.
- Really?
Yeah, things have just been a bit neglected,
that's all.
Oh, I know. You're right about that.
How else are you neglecting yourself, Emily?
I'm sorry?
Well, pension contributions,
tax-efficient savings. I...
I don't see any of that.
There's just so much
that I can be doing for you.
Oh.
And, Emily, you won't owe me a penny.
Wow. Oh, wow.
Oh...
Oh, thank you so much.
You know, Fiona, she did say...
You were kind.
Well... One of many things.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- (BOTH GIGGLING)
- Oh, thank you.
- Let's drink to that.
- Oh, shall we?
- One more.
- Kindness and accounting.
(LAUGHS) Okay. Kindness and... Yeah.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Get him!
(INDISTINCT) Hey! Hey!
Hey!
What?
Hey, there! Stop!
Oh, my... Oh, my...
Oh, my God!
Oh, shit!
Um...
(DIAL TONE)
- WOMAN: Emergency services.
- Yes! Oh, hello.
Yes, this is an emergency.
(POLICE RADIO CHATTER)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
FIONA: He probably hasn't
got a mobile phone even, has he?
I mean, who knows?
I think we just go round the...
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
And the whole thing...
Oh, here she is!
Mobile phone masts on the Heath.
Well, let me guess.
We're in favour of these too.
No, we're against them, of course.
Oh, you make me out to be such a monster.
Oh, I'm glad you're joining us.
So, er, Mary, you're going to do
round the cinema, aren't you?
- Yes.
- Emily, I know you like to stay local,
so why don't you do Hampstead Lane?
And then you can go up round the Heath
and circle round, do a whole circle.
Excuse me, sir. I have a petition here
against mobile phone masts.
No, okay. Not today.
Are you interested in the problem?
In signing a petition about
mobile phone masts?
No? Because... Hello.
Excuse me. No? Not this time?
(LEAVES RUSTLE)
Wow.
(WHISPERING) Who is this guy?
Er...
Hello?
Hello. Sorry.
Hi, there. This is, er...
This is about a petition.
Okay, thank you.
(INSECTS BUZZING)
Oh.
Hello, Charles.
I was in the neighbourhood and...
I know. I know. It's... It's been a while.
It's always, gosh, when I think about you,
you know,
I just can't help but think about us.
But, then,
isn't it crazy?
I mean, I know...
I know I've said this before...
But even to this day,
I still can't help but think about...
What could have been going on...
Excuse me.
With you and that little whore,
whose pictures you left
in your safety deposit box.
The safety deposit box,
for God's sakes, you idiot!
I'm not gonna let this go,
you sleeping bastard!
Did you ever even think about all the shit
that you left for me to shovel up?
Oh, yeah. The bills, the debts,
the whole goddamn mess of it all!
I'm just so mad!
Oh!
(UNEVEN FOOTSTEPS)
(SIGHS)
(SIGHS)
(MOBILE RINGING)
Oh, God.
Yeah.
Fiona? Yeah.
Mm-hm. Yes, everything is going well.
Listen, actually, you know, I'm...
I'm in the cemetery right now.
Can I call you back later? Thank you.
Hello, there. Hi. Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
I... I'm really sorry.
I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Too late for that.
I saw you on the ground.
I thought maybe you were hurt
and I was just kind of...
Actually, I was curious
if you would be interested
in signing a petition here that...
Petition?
Yes. I have a list of names right here.
You think I don't know
what a bloody petition is?
Let me guess.
This petition is something to do with
preventing the existence
of a notorious scourge
on your beloved Hampstead Heath?
Yes, as a matter of fact, it does.
Do you think my mother bore
a complete halfwit?
Is there such a thing as a complete halfwit?
- Do you know who I am?
- Huh?
Why would I sign something
that would hoist me on my own petard?
I'm sorry, I don't know what a petard is,
so I can't really...
Okay, thank you.
Thank you. See?
Guardians of the Heath
against mobile phone masts.
Is this it?
Yes.
It's nothing to do with me?
No, nothing at all, no.
Well...
Well, come on.
These towers are a health hazard.
And I would expect somebody
who actually lives around there...
If people want to stay attached to
their radioactive walkie-talkies,
it's their business.
Do I like what they're doing? No.
Do I like them? Probably not.
Do I respect their right to do as their little,
shallow hearts desire?
I most certainly do. So, no, I don't care.
And if I were a betting man,
I'd wager now that you don't really have
a dog in this hunt either.
I beg your pardon. You don't know me.
But you clearly do know me and where I live.
I... No, I am the one.
- I called the police.
- What?
Yes, the other night.
You were being attacked
and I saw you from my window,
so I telephoned the police.
And I live... I live over there,
at West Heath Road.
I saw it all. I just... I don't know...
Are you all right?
I'm spiffy.
Why didn't you just say that at the beginning?
I thought that you might think
that I was spying on you.
I... I... Hm.
Why?
How did you see me?
Hm? Oh, I...
I was at the attic window...
With my binoculars.
Of course.
What was that all about,
if you don't mind my asking?
Who knows?
Occupational hazard.
I guess people just don't like the way I live.
- I'm down here.
- Oh, yeah.
Well, I, er...
I go that way.
Emily.
Emily Walters.
Donald Horner.
Miss Emily, I am forever in your debt.
- Oh.
- I'll be seeing you.
All right.
Or perhaps, you'll be seeing me.
(DOOR CLOSES)
(SIGHS)
- Bill.
- (GROANS)
Yeah. Thanks, Xavier.
(SIGHS)
Luxury flats unveiled by... Rory Ashton?
Oh.
(SIGHS)
Oh, there you are!
Where have you been?
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- I know.
Well, I...
I got a little distracted. I just...
It's all right.
You've got a lot of things on your mind.
How was your date with James, by the way?
- Date?
- Well, not a "date" date, but you know...
I know he wants to do whatever he can, so...
- Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
- Oh, come on.
We all need a little bit of help
from time to time.
For instance, I've paid your share
of the building maintenance.
Oh, but, Fiona, you shouldn't have done that.
I mean, I feel so bad.
I'll pay you... I am going to pay you back.
I know you will.
I mean, don't even think thrice about it.
Of course, if you do want to thank me,
you could start by getting
that planning letter out.
It's still not up on the council website yet.
Look, you know, I...
I don't really know about
this whole housing scheme.
I was... I was just down there
and there's amazing wildlife
around that hospital.
And when were you gonna tell us that
it's your husband
that's behind the whole thing?
(LAUGHS) Ah, I see.
That explains the empty clipboard.
What were you doing down there?
What? I got lost.
I thought you got distracted.
Well, I got...
Listen, that old hospital
has been dragging down
property prices for years.
All I'm asking here is for a little support
from my friends
because that's what we do, isn't it?
Sure.
Yeah, I knew you'd understand.
(LAUGHS)
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Hm?
(EXHALES)
(SHOP BELL JINGLES)
(WHISPERS) Okay.
Okay.
All right.
Go through...
- (TWIG SNAPS)
- Ah!
Ow!
Oh, my God.
Oh, shit.
Hi, there.
What are you doing?
Dinner.
Oh. Okay. So...
I'm gonna sit here, huh? Thank you.
I said 7:00.
Oh, I'm really sorry about that.
I got... I got stuck in traffic.
You live across the street.
Yeah, that's how bad it was.
You're late. That's all I know.
Well, I didn't... I never exactly
confirmed an answer, now, did I?
Why come at all, then?
Okay, wait a second.
Let's just back this up.
So I met you once...
After staking me out like MI5.
Yeah, but I happened to see you there
and, of course,
I'm sure you can understand why
I may have hesitated a little.
Hesitated? What happened to the traffic?
(SIGHS)
- Will you please just give me a break?
- (WHISPERS) Shh.
Don't scare the fish.
The fish?
You mean you are actually
catching our dinner?
Catching my dinner. You'd better get to it.
Me? Oh, yeah, all right.
Okay.
What, you got one?
Oh, no, do you...
(SPLASHING)
Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. It's a fish!
(LAUGHS) Oh, dear.
Okay. There you go.
Oh, my... Oh! Oh!
There we go.
Now...
Wait a minute.
Aren't you supposed
to throw the fish back in?
- Just did.
- No, no.
You... You just threw in a shoe.
Not according to them.
EMILY: Oh.
(BIRDS SQUAWKING)
What do I do? I don't know what I'm doing.
- There you go.
- Okay.
- So I hold that.
- Steady.
Yeah, okay. I haven't...
Yeah, I got it, I got it, I got it.
I'm good. Okay.
- (LAUGHS)
- That's it.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Excuse me.
Wow.
So what can I say? It's...
This is really amazing.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, and you have a working oven?
No, it's useless as an oven.
Perfect as a fireplace, though.
(LAUGHS) Oh!
Amazing what people'll
throw away these days.
Guy even helped me
bring it over here from his house.
Well, that was nice of him.
Ugh, not really.
He turned into a bit of an arse.
- An arse?
- Yeah.
Right, come on.
EMILY: What?
Oh!
Dinnertime.
Well, thank you.
(SIZZLES)
So am I different to what you expected?
Hm.
Perhaps. You seem...
Go on.
Cleaner.
That's honest.
(CHUCKLES)
Cleaner.
What? What are you...
Wait a minute. What are you doing?
Come on, have a smell. Take a schmeck.
- A schmeck... Yiddish now?
- Come on.
- Yeah, yeah. Go on.
- Okay, well, wait, wait. Let me see.
(SNIFFS) Mm.
- Not bad.
- Yeah. Thank you.
Yeah.
I can't quite place it, though.
- Patchouli.
- Uh-huh.
And pond scum.
(LAUGHS)
- Really, huh?
- Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
Can I ask you something?
Can I stop you?
Ah.
So you are a spy.
Yeah, I found it right before
we met at the cemetery.
I'd gone looking for you because,
you know what, I was concerned.
They caught me with my guard down.
Hey, you know what?
They really don't want you here.
I know. It's a shame, isn't it?
If only they got to know me.
But you can't just ignore these people.
I don't understand.
Why aren't you doing something about this?
What do you do, Miss Emily? Hm?
Do you work?
What do you mean? Why do you ask?
Just making conversation.
How do you spend your time?
With whom do you spend it?
Well, with people that you'd probably detest.
Well, do you detest them?
Well, no.
No, they're my friends.
And, just for the record...
I volunteer at a charity shop.
Wait a minute. Are you judging me?
Well, I'm trying to,
but you're not giving me much to work on.
You protest against phone masts.
You spend time with people you'd rather not.
Apart from a volunteer job,
you don't really work...
The fact of which I sense
you're not altogether proud.
It's as if you're all dressed up
for some purpose you either can't remember
or never really grasped to begin with.
I should go.
No, I... I overstepped. I'm sorry.
Particularly strong batch of wine.
No, it's fine. I mean, you know...
It's always a lot of fun
to be told one is just blindly
stumbling their way through life.
Well, you know, stumbling has its benefits.
You stumbled my way, after all.
Well, thanks again.
DONALD: Well, you didn't
thank me the first time.
Well, thank you the first time.
It was... It was a really lovely meal.
Um...
It's gonna rain.
Heath rain is a harsh mistress.
You should wait a while.
Oh. Well, I'll be sure to run.
(THUNDER RUMBLES)
- (HEAVY RAINFALL)
- Shoot!
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
(GROANS)
(RAIN PATTERING)
Wait a minute.
Yeah.
(WHISPERING) I got it. I got it.
So, plan of action.
- See what I'm saying? If you take it...
- Whoa, great drawing.
Yeah, I know, but what do you think?
Do you think we should do it?
- Because...
- Oh, make one of these?
- If we make one now?
- Yeah, I can totally help you do that.
Okay. Would you put it together?
The tree's in the middle,
so it just sort of grabs people.
EMILY: Yeah, that's good, but...
No, wait. Look.
(LAUGHS)
- Oh. Yeah. I can change that.
- Did you mean that?
No, I didn't, but I am a bit dyslexic.
EMILY: There's "Save", yeah. There you go.
Yeah, that's good.
- There's one. Top one is ready.
- Okay. The top one.
Hi. Thanks. Thanks so much.
- Yes.
- A twofer. Look at that. That looks good.
Not upside down. Here, make it
straight across so they'll be drawn to it.
Wrap it. Wrap it. Oh, genius, genius.
This is the campaign.
Porridge and Nick, if you take that one there.
Yeah, tweet it now. Tweet the crap out of it.
(LIVELY CHATTER AND MUSIC IN DISTANCE)
ORGANISER: How many have you got left?
Hey, you.
Would you invite me to come
and stomp all over your garden?
Look, we're gonna help you, man.
What's this, "Save the Shack"?
What am I, your cause of the month now?
Couldn't get anywhere
with global warming, no?
Mr Horner, I'm... I'm Mark Kasdan from
the Hampstead And Highgate Express.
If you have a moment...
Do you think I'm just made of moments
that I can pass around
like Communion wafers?
Get away from here.
That goes for all of you. Get away!
Get away from here!
WOMAN: What are you...
- What?
- (EMILY GASPS)
Oh.
I don't need help. I'm doing fine without it!
I don't even know where
those bloody idiots came from!
Well, I do.
I asked them and...
I mean, look, I...
I don't really know you. I mean, not well.
But you can't tell me that
that was your first eviction notice.
And, really, if you really want to stay here,
you're gonna have to fight for it.
All right, you tell me all the fights
that you've fought, Miss Emily.
You know, why don't you just do that?
All the untold risks
that you've taken personally,
you know, in the name of principle.
Risks that obviously entitle
you to manipulate the lives of others
without their knowledge
- or consent.
- Okay.
- (DOOR OPENS)
- Tell me about your battles, Miss Emily.
(DOOR CLOSES)
I'm all ears.
Who's James?
(ROMANTIC MUSIC)
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
Do you own shares in a luxury hotel
and spa complex
in Lanzarote called Villa Taj Exotica?
Not that I know of.
Well, now you know.
They're what's called subprime shares.
They're actually costing you.
Well, Charles, huh?
Yeah, the gift that keeps on giving, right?
But what am I gonna do? I don't...
I mean, I don't know.
I mean, am I gonna have to sell my flat?
Oh, no, no, no, you will relax, that's what...
I mean, that's why I'm here.
Your flat is safe.
Thank you.
I mean, yes, you're drowning
in a sinkhole of debt.
A fourth-year medical student's probably got
more savings in the can than you right now,
but I can get you through this, Emily.
So, now, listen, let's just crack on
and attack these debts.
- Okay.
- Shall we now?
Most of them can be absorbed
as tax write-offs.
We just need to find
a friendly party to take them on.
Um... I do quite a lot of work
for Fiona's husband, Rory.
Yes, and his company
may very well be able to help us out.
Er... Are you okay there?
No, I'm... I'm fine.
It's... It's just that...
I don't know, I...
I just didn't really think it was going to...
(SIGHS) Be this much effort, you know?
It's okay. I'll squeeze my paid
work in between.
(CHUCKLES)
Thank you. I know you have
a lot on your plate. I know.
Yes, I do indeed. God,
I could do with a holiday right now.
Oh, I know what you mean about that. Yeah.
Yes, I hear the Ionian Islands
are perfect this time of year.
You know, I love Greece.
It's a place I've always
wanted to visit, you know, and...
- Yes, well, you...
- (EMILY GASPS)
You see here this luxury hotel
nestled in this quaint fishing village?
Ooh! That's a wow, huh?
So what... That's something there.
I knew you'd fancy it.
And, Emily...
There's no strings attached.
No, well, you know something?
About those strings.
I mean, this is beautiful.
It's amazing. It's just that I...
Oh, no, you need time to think about it.
Yes.
Yes, that is... That's exactly what I need,
just a little thinking time here.
- Well, then, you think.
- Yeah.
I'll work.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)
Thank you.
So, what are we... What have we got there?
- Well, er, cars...
- Yes, cars.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Karl's?
Oh, what in God's name?
Karl Marx.
Okay.
Yeah.
Well.
Listen, it wasn't meant for you, you know.
Erm...
Wait. Are you saying something?
Just about the other day,
losing my temper,
all that growling like a rabid Rottweiler.
I wouldn't exactly call it growling.
It was more like a kind of a baying sound,
sort of like some kind of a sick hippo.
All right.
Well, I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I don't understand. What's with you
and this hanging out in cemeteries?
Quietest place in the city.
Mm. Quiet up above, but who knows
what's going on down below?
Yeah. Party, I bet. A massive party.
You know,
I think Dante Rossetti is buried here.
He was my favourite Pre-Raphaelite.
So, you an artist?
No. No, I'm not anything.
But I studied.
Actually, it's not Rossetti.
It's his wife, Elizabeth.
Do you know the story?
Uh-uh.
Well, they lost a baby in childbirth.
She killed herself.
He buried a manuscript of poems with her.
That's so romantic.
Ten years later,
he hadn't got two beans to rub together.
What's a poor lad to do?
Finds two beans?
He obtains a permit to disinter her.
Literally claws the book from her hair.
I mean, made a pretty penny in the end,
but imagine,
her hair ripping off in his hands.
Worms oozing from the hollow caverns
where once blinked her sky-blue eyes.
Wine?
Oh, no, I...
No, thanks, really.
I think I've had a bit too much.
Yeah, well, you said that the last time.
Oh.
Do you drink too much all the time?
No, only when I drink.
Very good.
You know, this is really tasty.
Mm-hmm.
I'm really loving these nuts.
There are not nuts.
No, mushrooms, berries, beans...
Oh, the crickets.
Tell me I'm not eating crickets.
Well, course you're not.
They're technically grasshoppers.
Come on. Uh-uh.
No. No.
Pine nuts.
What do you mean?
No, they're pine nuts, I swear.
Unless something jumped in.
- Will you stop it?
- (LAUGHS)
- (GIGGLES)
- Okay.
Anyway...
May I ask you something?
Sure.
Yeah, it's about what happened the other day,
and those people,
they really wanted to help you,
and I do too.
I don't need any help.
Of course you do. We all need help.
I didn't ask for any.
Well, what do you mean?
Look, I'm no-one's charity case, okay?
I'm a man who lives as he chooses to,
and I'm not going to any effing court
or any effing hearing either.
No-one is taking my home from me!
Okay, all right, Mr Angry.
Okay. Listen, there's no reason
to wake the dead here. None.
The dead make more sense to me.
Oh, my God. Okay, that's enough.
That's enough. I don't know.
How can you expect anyone
to put up with all this nonsense?
All right, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I was wrong.
Well, I don't know.
No, I'm sorry. I really am.
It won't happen again.
I was out of order.
What hearing?
What?
Well, somewhere in the middle
of that tantrum
you mentioned the words
"court" and "hearing".
Okay.
All right, so, of course.
"Brevon International
seeks immediate vacancy.
"Failure to appear will be regarded as..."
This is serious.
They're gonna throw you out.
And it's not your problem.
We all have problems, Donald.
But no-one can hear you howling at the world
with your head stuck in the sand.
Do you really want to save your home?
I'm just asking you.
I have no idea where to start.
(SIGHS)
Well,
you're gonna need a lawyer.
How do I look?
Good.
Okay.
(DOORBELL RINGS)
(MUNCHING)
Oh, God.
(MUMBLES)
Well, you've um...
Certainly captured your public's imagination.
They can have it back if I can keep my home.
(CLEARS THROAT)
So, Donald, when you took... Oh, for...
(SCRIBBLING)
Is there another one here?
Well, wait a minute.
You know what? I think I have a pen.
- Yeah.
- Oh. Thanks.
So, Donald, when you
chose to be homeless...
I have a home.
Yeah, I mean, of course,
I've seen the pictures.
- Well, it's much nicer inside.
- Yeah, I have no doubt.
It's just Brevon International insists
that you're leeching off the land.
Listen to me.
I'm indebted to no-one. I am my own man.
I grow my own food.
I generate my own electricity.
Whatever I am, I am not a leech.
Do you understand?
That's all well and good.
It's just many would write you off as...
Well, mad.
Better a madman than a slave.
Point taken but, for our purposes,
it might be best for the madman
to leave the mad at home.
Uh, we don't lose our temper
when we give evidence.
It plays to a stereotype.
So, we just need to establish that your shack
has been a permanent residence
on the land for at least 12 years.
Ah, we've no problem, then.
- Try 17.
- What?
Seventeen years?
What are you doing there, Donald?
What?
It's a perfectly straightforward question.
Why won't you leave the Heath?
Look, I want you both to realise something.
These are well-connected
wolves in silk suits.
- You don't know these people.
- Yeah, well, they don't know me.
But they will soon enough, and uh...
These decisions usually come
down to the judge's discretion.
Introduce the court
to the decent, wise Donald.
Park the bombast at the door,
otherwise we'll never win.
Right, get comfortable.
We're gonna be some time.
- That's my life.
- You do seem happy amongst the people.
- I'm spiteful.
- I'm spiteful too.
- All of the above. Are we crossing here?
- Yeah.
Sorry.
That's mine, actually (CHUCKLES)
It's not... See the shape? Yeah.
(BUS BELL DINGS)
(GASPS) What?
- Oh, my God. Oh, my...
- Hang on.
(SCOFFS)
Well, wait a minute.
Oh, my God.
(BOOK THUDS)
I mean...
You know what?
Let's just come back
and sort this out in the morning.
Okay.
(INDISTINCT CONVERSATION)
Well, um, this is where I live.
Oh, so make yourself comfortable.
- I'll... I'll be right back.
- Thanks.
Oh, God.
Okay. Okay.
Oh, no!
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God.
Oh. Oh, oh...
Uh...
(FOOTSTEPS)
What are you doing up here?
Observing the natives.
- Uh... (CHUCKLES)
- Hey...
- Did you take these?
- Maybe.
- DONALD: Good.
- Oh...
Yeah, well, I dabbled in college.
You should dabble some more.
Are you sure this is
how you wanna spend your time?
Not really.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Are you getting furnishing ideas?
I was just thinking about
what the story is with all this stuff.
Yeah.
- Is that an urn?
- Hm. Yes. Mary.
3-B. It's her mother's.
I can point it the other way
if you feel like you're being watched.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- You know, it's funny.
- What?
I don't think this place suits you.
This place?
Oh, no, this place suits me fine.
- No, your flat, I mean.
- Oh.
You know, it feels like someone else's life.
Not yours.
Yeah.
I've wasted so much time.
(SCOFFS)
Here's to new beginnings.
New beginnings.
- (CHUCKLES)
- And breakfast.
- Yeah.
- And breakfast.
- (GASPS) Oh!
- Sorry.
- You're wearing a curtain.
- Yes.
Yes, it was um...
I got a little cold, so...
You're up to something, Mum.
What? How could I have possibly raised
such a suspicious son?
Oh. By acting so suspiciously.
Oh, God, I am starving.
Mmm! I was on my way to a meeting.
I thought I'd swing by.
Yeah? You know, they should
feed you at these meetings.
- You've been ignoring my calls, Mother.
- You ignore mine.
Yes, but that's the natural order of things.
Mothers should answer. Sons get worried.
- There you go. Yes.
- Mmm!
- You're a saint.
- Uh-huh.
Have you got any plans for Friday?
Friday?
Friday. It's your birthday.
Oh...
I'm afraid I have to be out of town
for a few days.
Uh-huh. Well, you know,
don't worry about anything.
You know, I'll probably just spend
a little time with Fiona and the gang
and it'll be fine, so whatever. (CHUCKLES)
(SIGHS)
You know what? I really have to
get to the charity shop quite soon.
- No, yeah, I've gotta run too.
- Thank you.
I had hoped we could continue
our talk about money.
Oh, oh, didn't I tell you? Actually, I'm
getting advice from Fiona's accountant, so...
- Oh...
- Hmm.
- That's brilliant.
- Hmm.
I hope he's not asking for too much.
No, no. No, no, not at all. No, no.
I don't know, Mum. I have a feeling
you're not telling me everything.
What could I possibly be hiding?
(DONALD HUMMING)
DONALD: Oh. Hello, there. Um...
Sorry...
I didn't hear you come in.
- Mud in my ears.
- (EMILY CHUCKLES)
Actually, this is, umm... This is my son,
Philip, and this is my, umm...
Handyman.
Yeah, he's very handy.
Okay, and that's my cue.
Umm...
- It's very nice to meet you.
- Sorry. Donald.
- Donald.
- Donald.
- Uh, Mum, I'll... I'll be in touch.
- Okay. Bye.
(DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)
Okay. (SIGHS)
- Oh!
- (BOTH LAUGH)
Here you are.
- How is everything?
- Oh, you know, I mean, the usual.
- How's everything with James?
- James?
- James. Oh. Yeah.
- Oh... We need to catch up.
We need to catch up.
- Oh...
- (MOBILE RINGS)
Yeah, hello?
Hey! Good news.
They've given us our hearing date.
It's a week from Monday.
- ERIK: Oh, morning, Mrs W.
- Oh, Erik.
This is what it's all about. Our right to
the land, to affordable housing.
I'm one of Donald's people.
(CHUCKLES) Yeah. Did you hear that?
He's one of Donald's people.
Isn't it nice to accept help?
He needs help.
ERIK: They can bend us, but never break us,
'cause it only serves to make us more
determined to achieve our final goal.
Aren't those the words to I Am Woman?
Come on. Work to be done.
(WHISTLES)
- EMILY: Yeah. You got that.
- ERIK: Thanks.
Yeah, that's right. Sorry.
- DONALD: Ooh, yeah, that's rotten.
- I like this colour.
- (BOTH LAUGH)
- What?
- You did it?
- Course we did it.
- But where's it going?
- Up there.
Uh-huh.
- DONALD: Where are you putting them?
- Hmm?
- No, no, do you see? They're beautiful.
- It's on the rain barrel.
EMILY: Back up against the...
That's right. Just... That's it.
Did you see this? Where do I put the rope?
- DONALD: Nah, hold on.
- EMILY: Here, I'll hold on to it.
No, we lift it. 'Cause, you know,
you do have the hinge on the...
Sorry. I'm really sorry about that. Go inside.
- Do you want to take a break?
- No, no... Okay.
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, I'll take a break.
- Oh...
- It's not bad.
What are you talking about?
It's way better than it was before.
Aye, you're right.
Appreciate it.
- Excuse me?
- What... What's that?
I'm really having trouble hearing him,
are you?
- Yeah, it's odd. I can't...
- All right. Enough, enough, all right.
Thank you.
(ERIK IMITATES HOWLING)
(LAUGHS)
I don't know about you.
I've got a bit of a pong about me.
Oh.
Fancy a swim?
(LAUGHS)
(GIGGLES)
He's a good kid. Huh?
- Is he?
- Yes, yes.
I know.
Aye, he's a good kid.
He's just a little bit lost, no?
- Christ, listen to me.
- What?
I sound like me father.
Where were you born?
Why?
Why? Because, I don't know,
it's the kind of question
most normal people might ask each other.
North County, Dublin.
- Ahhh.
- A little place outside Dublin.
Ireland.
And what was that like?
Well, we had a bit of...
A bit of a farm, a small farm, you know.
Well, we had until my old man
drove it into the ground.
Then my mum passed away and I wandered.
It took me years to get to London.
Years, huh?
Uh, well...
I kind of took the scenic route, you know.
- Uh-huh.
- Morocco, Amsterdam, the usual.
- I was a bit of an idiot.
- Why?
Oh, I ran and just kept running.
(SIGHS)
- Yeah, then London.
- London.
You met someone, huh?
Umm...
Valerie.
Hmm.
Yeah, she was older than me.
She owned this little caf...
Ran this little caf in Camden Town.
I started working for her
and then helped her run it.
It's less than two miles from here.
Yeah, and then what happened?
What happened?
Well, she got sick.
Yeah.
And I got scared.
And then she, of course,
copped it on immediately.
I wasn't really coping with it, you know.
Especially when she got worse, the cancer.
So...
She told me I should take a break.
And I knew I shouldn't, but I did. I ran again.
Yeah.
We kind of...
Well, we both knew what
was happening, you know.
And it happened.
I'm sorry.
Hey, you know what?
I think I'm gonna cook for us tonight.
I'm gonna make us a small feast.
Donald.
Here. Go ahead.
Don't be too late.
(DOOR CLOSING)
Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you?
All good.
ALL: Surprise!
Oh... Oh, my God!
Well, to answer your question, Mary,
I don't think she suspected anything.
Oh, happy birthday, Emily.
Now, for the exclusive pleasure
of our birthday girl...
The Ukulele Orchestra of Hampstead.
- (JAMES HUMS)
- Oh.
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday to you...
Happy birthday, dear Emily
(STRETCHES THE NOTE)
Happy birthday to you
- Oh!
- Ohhh!
(ALL CHEERING)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
- WOMAN: It's really good. It was excellent.
- No, thank you very much.
- WOMAN: Really delicious.
- Thank you. Thank you so much.
You know, I don't think parties
really need to last this long.
Oh, come along, Emily. Just enjoy yourself.
Let yourself go once in a while.
Oh, well done, Mr Music Man.
Oh, well. Well, thank you.
(LAUGHS)
How's our birthday girl?
Oh...
- Happy birthday, Emily.
- Oh, thank you.
(MUFFLED GASP)
(INDISTINCT MURMURING)
Maybe you'd like to make
a little speech, Emily.
Oh, yes, of course.
ALL: Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech! Speech!
- GUESTS: Speech! Speech! Speech!
- Thank you so much, James.
Thank you.
Well, I just... Thank you, everyone.
You're all just...
You're...
Wonderful?
Wonderful. Oh, my goodness,
you really are wonderful.
I would have written a little speech
for this occasion,
but, of course, it is a surprise party,
so, duh, what are we talking about anyway?
- Yeah.
- Again! So I just...
I love you, I truly do. I love you all, and...
And without you I don't know
what my life would have been like.
This isn't a going-away party.
No, no, of course,
of course it's not, no, not quite.
Um...
You know, actually...
I think this might be a good time
to make a little announcement.
You see...
- I've found someone.
- (ALL GASP)
(SINGING IN SPANISH)
Hold on, hold on.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
James!
Well, I think you all kind of know him.
Or of him, and he's very special.
He's completely transformed
the way I look at life.
- He's...
- MARY: Rory?
I was coming in now and I saw that tramp
from the Heath running up the stairs.
- I think he's gone into the attic.
- The attic? Oh, God.
Why didn't Xavier stop him?
Xavier, what are you doing up here?
I got hungry.
Oh, for heaven's sake,
there's an intruder in our building.
EMILY: Wait. But let's talk about
this before you go.
Please, wait just a second.
We need to talk about this.
Wait. I'll do it. I'll do it.
- Come on, boys. Come on.
- Yes, go.
Let them go.
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(GASPS) It is. It's him.
It's the tramp from the Heath.
MARY: Oh, my God.
- This man has been living here.
- (GASPS)
- What is...
- EMILY: Oh, dear. Sorry about this.
I'm sorry.
- Oh, my darling...
- No, no, darling.
No, no, no, you just...
You just stay right there.
What are you gonna do, strum me to death?
I think you've got some explaining to do,
haven't you?
Actually, I wouldn't mind
an explanation myself.
Oh... Well...
- Don't worry about it.
- EMILY: Oh...
- I'm sorry.
- No, wait, Donald. Please, just wait.
- What the hell is going on, Emily?
- Yes, what is going on, Emily?
Nothing. It's just...
Well, it's a misunderstanding, that's all it is.
Really? Then why are there
candles over there?
There's wax everywhere.
Yeah, well, that's... That's...
The way I bought them, slightly used
candles, at the one-pound shop.
And what about the bed?
Is that slightly used too?
My God, it's like some sort of sordid sex den.
Where are my mother's ashes?
Okay. For God's sakes, really.
Yes, you found us out.
We sprinkled your mother's ashes
all over our love shack,
and we've been going at it like two deranged
rabbits in every possible space.
Well, right there in the old stove box.
And inside the Renfrews' inflatable dinghy.
And, oh, don't forget Dr Patel's
vintage dentist chairs.
And all before lunch, okay?
And, anyway, I'm sorry.
You know what?
But I gotta go.
Donald?
Donald, wait, please.
Donald.
Just talk to me, okay?
Will you talk to me?
Ukulele Tom up there will be looking for you.
James.
I led him on. I did, I know.
He's been doing my accounts and I...
See, I... Donald...
I'm in a big hole.
I'm in a hole.
I'm in a big mess financially and...
And James helped me out
because he thought
that he was going to get something in return.
And I wasn't brave enough
to make it clear to him
that he's not and he... He won't.
I think he knows that now.
You know, Emily, I could almost accept that
if you hadn't seemed
quite so humiliated up there.
I was humiliated.
I was humiliated about myself,
and that's the truth.
And you know what else?
I was...
Mortified about what...
You might think of me, you know.
Who I am and what I've become.
Why didn't you tell me it was your birthday?
(SIGHS)
You muppet.
Oh.
(CHANTING AND CHEERING)
ALL: Save the shack! Save the shack!
REPORTER: Donald,
how are you feeling today?
(MUFFLED CHANTING AND CHEERING)
REPORTER: Is it today, do you think, Donald?
Is today the day you're gonna lose
your home? Mr Horner?
REPORTER 2: Donald!
Give us a smile, big man.
- (GAVEL BANGS)
- JUDGE: Right!
Let's get started, then, shall we?
Can you please say what Mr Horner did next?
He wrapped the notice around a parsnip
and handed it back to me.
And did you accept it?
- May I object?
- I did not accept that parsnip.
No. It was a carrot.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
- (GAVEL BANGS)
- Please. That's quite enough.
And so, Mrs Neal, as a member
of one of Hampstead's
leading conservation groups,
to your knowledge, how long
has Mr Horner been on the Heath?
To my knowledge, he is a recent arrival.
Recent? Ah. So does that mean
more or less than 12 years?
Definitely less.
(MURMURING)
Nothing further.
Forgive me, but one more time,
just to make it irrefutably clear,
prior to Brevon International's efforts,
in the entire time that you lived
in your home on the hectare
of land in question,
had anyone ever approached you
and asked you to leave?
- No, sir.
- Thank you.
That's all I have, Your Honour.
Keeping to the lowest council tax band,
approximately 15,000 over the last 17 years
would have been paid by you,
had you legally owned a property.
- Would you not agree?
- I don't know what to say to that.
Well, I do. Because I pay for all my services.
Rubbish collection, local education,
even the daily operations
on Hampstead Heath.
Can you say the same?
Mr Horner?
Your Honour, as Mr Horner
is clearly having difficulty
remembering just how
he contributes to society...
No, you're right, I don't contribute
to society and I don't drive.
And the relevance of that is?
That means I don't take a 600 yearly
dump of carbon dioxide into the air.
I grow all my food, which means I don't
add to the 7,000,000 tons of food
and packaging waste
that costs this beautiful country,
I think, over 5,000,000,000 a year.
Well, do you want me to go on? I can go on.
But, actually, if it's society
that you're worried about, Mr Crowley,
ten to one, you cost it
a hell of a lot more than I do.
(CHEERING)
Please, will you not do that?
- It's not Britain's Got Talent.
- (LAUGHTER)
Thank you, Your Honour.
Please, let's stick to the point,
and the point being is that a homeless man...
I'm not homeless. I have a home.
I built it 17 years ago from nothing.
Recycled bits and bobs, and imagination.
From nothing.
Yes, but can you prove it?
All of this is unsubstantiated.
There are no documents, no witnesses.
Course I have no witnesses.
I go out of my way to stay out of the way.
Look...
For all of these years,
I've watched life evolve all around me.
I've spent thousands of afternoons
on Parliament Hill,
watching families sailing kites
so spectacular it would make you dizzy,
and those same families growing up,
going away,
making space for the new ones.
And I have disturbed no-one.
The way I live might seem
different to a lot of people.
How I live life...
Well, people will think what they think.
All I care about is my home.
It's where I've been living for these 17 years.
It is a home.
It's my home. It's where I belong.
And, in that regard,
I am no different to any of you.
(MURMURING)
Kindly resume your seat, will you?
Thank you, Mr Horner, for your candour.
It's clear that your words are heartfelt.
However, heartfelt words
are no substitute for documentable proof.
You understand the dilemma.
Well, it's been a long day
and we're at the end of it.
We adjourn today, pick it up tomorrow
morning, 9:00 sharp. Thank you.
I made a balls of it.
Donald, we don't have time to wallow here.
I'm not wallowing. I'm reporting the truth.
If you want to feel better,
maybe you should just go home.
Hey, what's wrong with you?
Every time someone threatens your pride
or hurts your little fat feelings,
you puff up like an emotional porcupine.
An emotional porcupine?
That's very good, that.
- No, no. That's brilliant, actually.
- Just stop, will you?
- An emotional... An emotional porcupine.
- Just stop. I'm freezing in here.
Donald.
- The oven.
- What about it?
Didn't you tell me that someone helped you
bring it here? Remember?
(STUTTERS) You called him an arse.
- That's what you... Yeah.
- He was an arse.
- He couldn't drive a nail in straight.
- Don't you see?
This arse can testify that he was
here with you 17 years ago,
- building this shack, so he's a witness.
- That's not proof.
It's better than nothing.
You have to take us to him.
EMILY: Here?
(HUSHED CONVERSATION)
(DOORBELL RINGS)
You. I remember you.
That's him.
Bang, bang, bang.
That's what it sounded like.
So, I look out the window again,
he's still there.
- And by "he", you mean...
- That wanker. Him there.
(LAUGHING)
If we could just...
- So what happened then?
- Right. Well, I see him struggling
with all this IKEA junk that I'd binned, so...
I drive him and the junk
to where he's building this little cottage
thing out on the Heath,
and I help him out for a couple of hours.
But then he starts getting all critical on me.
How I'm slanting the boards
and the laying ain't even
and I'm using a drywall nail
when I should be using a short shank.
I know my short shanks, thank you!
(LAUGHTER)
And that's when it happened.
Got me in such a heat, I got all distracted...
And I drove a short-shank nail
through my left long finger.
Uh, deeply sorry to hear that.
Now, Mr Fife, when you say
you drove Mr Horner to the place,
can you say specifically where?
Oh, the grounds of the old hospital
on the Heath.
West Heath Road side.
I remember 'cause I could hardly find
my way out, bleeding and all.
Thank you. That's all I have.
Mr Fife, umm...
You might sympathise with us
if we have a little difficulty
in accepting why a man such as yourself,
in the dead of night, would extricate himself
from the safe confines of his flat
and go to such extraordinary lengths
to help some strange tramp...
Sorry, homeless person.
A man whom he had never before met.
You can understand our concern, can't you?
- Sure, I can completely understand that.
- Mm. Thank you. Umm, because...
If you didn't know
that I was once homeless myself.
- (MURMURING)
- I'm... Sorry?
Nearly a year on the streets.
That's why I did what I did.
Your Honour, this is a very sweet tale,
and for all we know some of it may be true.
But as you yourself alluded to yesterday,
what this is not is documentary proof,
the very kind of thing
- that this court demands.
- FIFE: You mean this?
(MURMURING)
See, I had to drive myself to A and E.
I couldn't get the bloody nail out.
It had penetrated a tendon
and scraped what they call the proximal bone.
It was a mess.
Uh, may I, Mr Fife?
Thank you.
"For construction injury received
whilst performing volunteer charity work."
Time-stamped 3:35am, October 13th...
(MURMURING)
Nothing further, Your Honour.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Consent was never given
by any owner of the land...
And, Mr Horner,
though you exerted a great degree
of exclusive physical control
over the land in question,
you had no legal title to it.
On the other hand,
while Mr Fife's NHS document
is scarcely proof positive,
it is, combined with his flavourful testimony,
very convincing.
It is my opinion Mr Fife was telling the truth.
Mr Horner,
I am convinced that you meet
the requirements for adverse possession.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING)
What? Sorry, excuse me.
Is... Is... Are you saying that I can stay?
Whether you stay or not is up to you.
This court is prepared to grant you
absolute title to the land in question.
(CHEERING)
The Land Registry office will be notified
that you are sole proprietor.
REPORTER: Donald, how do you think
your life will change?
I've no intention of changing anything.
(REPORTERS CHEERING)
And that's Donald Horner,
the overnight millionaire.
One can only wonder
where he'll be celebrating tonight.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
EMILY: Donald, can we talk for a moment?
Uh-huh.
I'm not exactly clear
about what our plans are.
For this evening?
No.
For us.
Are you not having fun?
Oh... Oh, I am. Oh, I really am.
I mean, it's brilliant fun.
It's just that I'm not exactly
getting any younger.
- You look great.
- And at a certain point, I...
I did expect that we'd move on
from these particular circumstances.
Well, maybe I should have been made aware
of these expectations.
Well, maybe it wasn't clear
to me until the hearing.
You see, a couple of days ago...
I received a certified letter from the bank.
And...
I'm out of tricks.
So if I don't sell my flat and sell it right away,
I can soon expect to be
enjoying breakfast with the bailiff.
Okay, well, sell the flat, pay off what you
owe and come and live here.
- Next chapter in the fairy tale.
- But this isn't a fairy tale.
No.
This is real life, our life.
We can't live here forever.
Listen to me.
Let's find a place of our own together.
With what?
Okay, so if...
I sell my place and everything's paid for,
I'll have enough money to settle,
you know, somewhere.
Maybe a little place outside of London.
So you want me to sell up?
I don't want your money, Donald.
I just want you.
When you told me you had problems,
you didn't say it was this bad.
What are you implying?
That I planned the whole thing?
I'm not saying that, you know. I'm sure
I started out as some noble charity case,
make you feel good with your friends,
and then, who knows,
maybe you saw other possibilities.
It's human nature, right?
You don't really believe that, do you?
I don't know what I believe.
All I know is I'm not going anywhere.
Well, we can't survive here,
not in this, we can't.
It never stops, does it?
The whole world wants me to change
and now you too.
Oh, well, that's just perfect.
Indignation, right?
Your one-size-fits-all answer for everything?
So, I'm supposed to lose everything
to save you, is that it?
No.
You're supposed to gain
everything by having me.
Please, I'm asking you, I'm begging you...
Sweep me off my feet.
Carry me away to a home of our own.
I have a home.
You have a prison here, Donald.
When are you gonna stop
punishing yourself?
I think you should go.
Please don't do this. Please.
I think you should go.
(SNIFFLES)
(SOBS)
MAN:
Now we come to lot 52.
This is a 1934 Barr and Stroud
hunting binoculars.
They're a much-loved family heirloom.
Now, who can start me at 200?
Thank you, madam. 225.
Two hundred and twenty five. 250.
Thank you, sir. 250.
275. Thank you, madam. 275.
(SIGHS)
- Hi.
- Oh.
I think that's everything I owe you.
Oh, I see.
And I have to just forgive you now,
I suppose.
No, you're not supposed to do anything
except take the cheque.
Rory would kill me if he knew
I was even talking to you.
Well, maybe you might wanna apply
some of that money to counselling.
- I'm sorry?
- No, I'm just saying.
It sounds really unhealthy,
living under someone's thumb like that.
- (GASPS)
- (CLOCK CHIMES)
And what's little Emily doing,
just packing up and then running away?
I mean, that's what you're choosing to do?
You could say that or you could also say
that I'm choosing to no longer live
a lie, and you might wanna try it.
Come along, Emily. Let's stop this, please.
I... I miss my friend. So, truce?
We were never really friends,
Fiona, were we?
I mean, I was just your project.
I was your quirky American project. Yeah.
(CHUCKLES)
How are you gonna
even manage on your own?
Oh, I have absolutely no idea, none,
but I can't wait to find out.
Yeah.
Will you tell me one thing, Fiona?
Did you know Charles was having an affair?
Right.
Well, I gotta go.
Oh, Emily, Emily.
Yes?
You're a lot braver than me.
Oh...
I doubt it.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
Sorry.
- Sorry, I'm late.
- EMILY: Oh, no. No.
Oh.
Oh, gosh.
- Ready?
- Oh... Uh-huh.
(PAGES TURNING)
(SIGHS)
(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)
(CLUCKING)
ANNOUNCER: (ON RADIO) The Eiffel Tower
was lit in green last night
to mark the one-year anniversary
of the Paris Climate Accord.
And finally, in other news,
Donald Horner, a homeless millionaire,
otherwise known as Donald Tramp, appears
to have sold his Hampstead Heath property,
a shack worth close to 4,000,000.
It's all about the location, as they say.
Horner reportedly left the country
with a woman 20 years his junior
and headed off to the South of France.
Onto the weather. Look out for...
(CHICKEN CLUCKS)
- (CHICKEN SQUAWKS)
- (LAUGHS)
Do you mind? Do you mind, you?
(BOAT ENGINE REVVING)
(BOAT HORN HONKS)
- (CHICKEN CLUCKS)
- No! Claude, come here.
It's okay. No, no, no. No, no, no.
Claude, please stop.
Stop it, Claude! Stop, stop!
Claude!
Come here. No.
Claude, Claude.
This yours?
Just... Thank you.
Emily. Emily, hold on.
I thought you were in France
with some sort of woman.
Well, I... I might have been, but, then again,
maybe somebody just planted a rumour
to get the media off his trail.
Maybe... Maybe that's what happened.
- So you didn't sell?
- More like a swap.
I gave the land back to the Heath.
They gave me that old barge.
The Heath grows, the people win,
everyone's happy.
Even you.
Even me.
(LAUGHS) Oh, no. Oh, no.
That's your shack, isn't it?
Told you I'd never leave it.
Why are you here?
I forgot to tell you something.
I love you.
Why'd you let me go?
Emily, that's the question I've been
asking myself every day since you left.
(CHUCKLES)
(BOAT ENGINE REVVING)
- DONALD: Nice little shack you've got there.
- EMILY: It's not a shack. It's a cottage.
- EMILY: Now, this is a shack.
- DONALD: That's true.
It's a fine home. You'll love it.
Excuse me, but I have a home
and one that has a tendency
to stay in one location.
Did you really come all the way out here
to have the same old argument?
I did, yeah.
Good.
DONALD: You know that chicken?
Did you call that Claude?
EMILY: Why, I did. I called him Claude.
DONALD: It's a hen. It's a she.
- EMILY: It's a she?
- DONALD: Claudette.
(BOTH CHUCKLE)