- Hello?
- Where are you?
- In my car.
- Aren'tyou picking me up?
No, Dad. Someone from the home
will bring you to the hospital.
I'll meetyou in front.
I'm on my way.
You should be leaving any minute.
- My lamp doesn't work.
- What?
The lamp, the goddamn lamp next
to my bed. You know what a lamp is?
- Dad, did you try the switch?
- What?
On the bottom of the thing.
Maybe it's on the cord.
Like that twirly thing on the cord.
Push that with your thumb.
I got it! I got it, baby.
Hello. Who is this?
Dad, it's Eve. You called me.
Are youjealous ofyoursister?
Dad, I'm driving downtown.
This is not a question
for downtown traffic.
Come on! Georgia could run
the Israeli Army.
Maddy couldn't even
get into the Army.
You're right, Dad.
You're completely right, Dad.
Georgia could run the Israeli army.
Hi, Dad.
- Evie, guess who calledjust now.
- Who?
John Waynejust called me.
Tell Georgia. Tell Maddy.
- John Waynejust called you.
- Hejust called me on the telephone.
John Wayne is dead.
They think he's dead.
They're not sure.
He's dead, and that's why
you're going to the hospital.
You're disoriented.
I spoke to him on the telephone.
So he's a Republican. So what?
I'll see you in 10 minutes.
No Surprises. Kim speaking.
Kim? Listen, I'm not
gonna be in today.
My father...
- What happened this time?
- I don't know, but I'm worried.
I'm meeting him at the hospital.
Are there any messages?
Madge Turner, she wants you to move
the party to the Nixon Library.
What? No!
No, Kim. That is insane.
The party is in two weeks.
We cannot change the location.
You tell her to forget it.
Me? Wait, I have to tell her?
No, no, I'll do it.
Remind me to call the caterer.
500 women are coming...
...and I bet half
are lactose intolerant.
I hope my dad's okay.
I better call Georgia.
All right, Kim? I'll call you back.
Georgia Magazine.
May I speak with Georgia, please?
It's Eve.
Is she available to do it?
I feel like she's...
Georgia, I have your sister.
No. Not now.
You know what? She's behind
closed doors right now.
- Libby, dear. Hurry, honey!
- I'm coming!
I need my bag.
Thank you so much.
- Eve?
- Maddy, thank God you called.
Guess what?
I don't wanna hear about Dad again.
I'm sorry. I'm too happy.
Eve, it is so beautiful here.
It's spiritual. You know?
It's God's country.
Here we go.
No, no, no!
I'm sorry!
Oh, my God.
She'll think I hung up on her.
Maddy, can you hear me? Maddy?
Hello? Hello? Maddy?
No Surprises. Kim speaking.
It's me again. Are you sure?
Are you positive about this?
It's just bad news.
Yes, she wants to move it
to the Nixon Library.
They have parties there?
Where is that? Wait, where am I?
- I don't know. I have no idea.
- I'm here.
I can't deal with this right now.
I'll call you back later.
Well, there she is. Hello, dear!
Oh, my God. Dad!
Who's there?
Lou Mozell from
the Motion Picture Home.
Got it?
Angie, did I ever tell you about
the time I got a gun from John Wayne?
Pat and I wrote a picture for him
called Luck Runs Out.
Yeah, he was a very nice guy.
They say that he had
a very small pecker...
...but that didn't keep him
from being a real he-man.
I mean, that had absolutely
nothing to do with it.
- Why are we going in here?
- Because it's the room.
- Is there room service in here?
- No.
They leave a key for the minibar?
There is no minibar.
Place of birth, Mr. Mozell?
The Bronx, New York City.
Education?
Harvard.
Graduated with full honors.
Oh, Dad!
Summa cum laude.
Age?
Thirty-eight.
Seventy-nine.
- And your wife is...?
- Dead.
No, not dead. Not dead.
Divorced. For many years.
Evie, where's that poster?
It's over there.
Put it over there by the dresser.
Please make sure
it doesn't get scratched.
- Would you like to get into bed?
- Not with you.
Very funny.
Cleo, kick her out, will you?
I'm not Cleo. I'm Dr. Kelly.
Dr. Kelly, yeah?
Of the Irish Republican Army, are you?
Well, I love them sassy, doc.
How old are you?
What day of the week
is it, Mr. Mozell?
Fruppsday.
What month?
What month?
Kugie-wugie!
You gotta stop that!
The Duke said, "Your mother and dad...
...make a hell of a writing team."
Remember, Evie?
That's what the Duke said.
He said it to Evie
when she was 5 years old.
She shook hands with him,
said, "Howdy, partner!"
He laughed.
He was a real sweetheart.
They say his pecker
was no bigger than...
Dad!
Probably why he liked guns, you know?
Small pecker, big guns.
You get that?
What I'm trying to bring out?
You don't have to...
Where's the gun he gave me?
Evie, where's the gun?
He didn't give you a gun, remember?
He gave you the bullet.
It's right here.
You're not gonna go away
and leave me here, are you?
Just for a little bit, Dad.
At least a week.
A week?
I promise you...
I just die when you're not here.
You're having memory problems.
They have to run some tests.
Everybody has memory problems.
You could remember for me.
Please don't leave me here.
Can you write a sentence
for us, Mr. Mozell?
Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm
in conference with my daughter?
Here's the pen, Mr. Mozell.
A sentence!
What kind of sentence do you want?
Here, shove it up your schmeer!
Don't go, Evie.
I'm begging you.
Don't go, Evie.
Are you there?
Are you both listening?
He wrote, "It's too late."
She asked him,
and that's what he wrote.
Is this eerie or what?
"It's too late." My God!
What does it mean?
Too late for tests, forhelp.
This is serious. He's disoriented.
He's in a wheelchair.
He's telling us it's over.
They should adjust his medications.
Did you talk to the doctor?
The doctor was
approximately 11 years old.
Obviously, it wasn't the real doctor.
It was a resident.
Call back and ask
to speak to the real doctor.
I said I wanted Maureen Oriff.
He mentioned
John Wayne's pecker again.
You gotta be kidding! Did he really?
That is hilarious!
He is obsessed with that pecker.
I wasn't talking to you. Sorry.
You weren't here.
I am sorry I couldn't be there.
Oh, Maddy.
- This is my only vacation!
- I didn't mean it that way.
We work 10 hours a day,
five days a week, 52 weeks a year.
- Yeah, I know.
- Aside from the dialogue...
...soaps are the closest thing
to theater on television.
The only reason that
I can go away now...
...is because Juliana is
in the Bahamas...
...because her boss
is having an affair.
Who's Juliana?
My character, Juliana.
Who is fully three-dimensional...
...and who right now is wrestling
with very serious identity problems.
Don't you ever watch my show?
Did she hang up?
- Maddy?
- Take this.
I gotta go. I'm sorry. I love you.
Call me every five minutes.
Did Maddy hang up?
- Did she hang up?
- It's possible.
She may come back in a cowboy outfit,
talking about fly-fishing.
What do you wanna bet
she'll come back with a cowboy?
She thinks she's the only one
who works. I'm planning...
I'm so busy with
this fifth anniversary edition.
I know it's a little self-indulgent.
My fifth anniversary.
Between you and me, I can't believe
my magazine has lasted this long.
Get this.
I'm planning this event...
...Los Angeles Women in Commerce,
their annual party.
I landed it.
It'll put my company on the map.
That is so sweet,
yourlittle company.
lfyou're in business,
and you sort ofare...
...you should shop
at Barneys or Saks.
Oh, God! I'm sorry!
I'm so sor...
Are you all right?
Why would you do that?
- What are you thinking about?
- I'm so sorry!
My lights are just falling off!
- You see what you did?
- I can see that.
I'm Eve Marks.
Hello. I'm so sorry.
Dr. Kunundar.
You're not driving well.
Thank you for not screaming.
It's just that I was so distracted.
I just put my father
in the hospital. I'm sorry.
I hope it's not serious.
You can't drive like...
I have my card somewhere.
- Look at this.
- Wait a minute.
There you go.
- "No Surprises."
- I'm a party planner.
We do special events, and everything
goes smoothly. No surprises.
- I see.
- I'm sorry.
This actually isn't
my first accident this year.
If my insurance company
hears about it...
...my rates will skyrocket.
They'll just go up.
I got the word.
Do you think that we could
settle this privately?
I can't...
I'll ask your mother.
All right, give me that, please.
Why would you talk to my mother?
I don't even speak to my mother.
That's very sad for you.
You can't go through life
without your mother.
You'll get a call.
Her name is Ogmed Kunundar.
Oh, your mother.
She's in Burbank, and
she'll know if this is all right.
I'm late.
My son's getting home any minute.
And I'm so sorry. I am so sorry!
This is fate. Or an accident.
Oh, it's an accident.
Maybe you're gonna be surprised.
I hope not.
So sorry.
I can't rely on you.
What good is a marriage...
...when I can't even trust that...
...you'll be on time
for one stupid meeting!
Look at me, Mom. Look at me!
Look at me, Mom, look at me!
Look at me, Mom.
Eve, not now!
Forget it!
I can't take it anymore!
What are you doing?
Dad! Daddy!
That's my Evie.
That's my cookie.
"It's not so bad"?
- It's really not that bad.
- Compared to a pileup, it's not bad.
The wheels and headlights are fine.
It wouldn't be an accident
without damage, I suppose.
I can just get in the other side.
Just like that. I can just...
I don't even think we have to fix it.
Because look at me. I'm in.
So there was no whiplash, and you
still have your teeth and your back...
No, I'm fine, and he just had
headlight damage and grill.
Mom, how many crackups
is that this year?
That's three now.
What is that?
It's my new laugh. Do you like it?
Lovely.
Lovely!
- Were you on the phone?
- No.
You were on the phone.
Let's call our legal representation.
Do you think
they'll cancel my insurance?
- I don't mind getting into that side.
- It's fine.
That side looks as good as new.
I think I've been
understanding about this.
I have to go play with my Legos.
I hope I can't go to jail for
suggesting that we settle privately.
Did Kim messenger the...?
Yeah. Good. The Nixon Library stuff.
That's my fourth car accident
this year.
Jesse, you can't leave that stuff
just hanging around like that.
You know, he reminded me of Nixon.
Who?
My father. You know, the same jowl...
...the same shlumpy little shoulders
like that.
Wait a minute. Now, why am I here?
Tea?
He can't walk, Joe.
He's dead!
- Hello?
- Georgia's really something, isn't she?
- Yes, Dad, she certainly is.
- Little Georgie.
Dad.
So, not dead.
Oh, not funny.
That is so not funny. God!
You just have no compassion for him.
You know why, don't you?
Or have you forgotten? It happened
right here. I remember.
He's dying, Joe.
Three guesses who that is.
He's dead.
- Honey!
- Where is it?
Honey, what are you doing?
Hello?
Who is it?
- Oh, God, Maddy, is he dead?
- Dead?
Dad.
Oh, come on, get serious.
There's nothing wrong with Dad.
No.
- Buck can't walk.
- What?
Where are you?
I'm back. What am I gonna do?
He's not dead.
Just take him to the hospital.
- Who?
- The boyfriend.
How?
In an ambulance. My God, Maddy.
My God, he just moved his foot.
He just moved his foot!
Oh, Buck, baby.
Sweetie, that's so good.
I think I can get him to the car.
She hung up.
I see that.
- Hello?
- This is Ogmed Kunundar, Omar's mother.
My son's lights are falling off.
And his radiator exploded.
His radiator?
Joe, he has ice cream in his bowl over
there. What's he doing with ice cream?
Yeah, now, are you sure?
Omar does not make a mistake.
He is a genius. He can fix
your ovaries with a laser.
I'm sure that he can.
What I'm suggesting about
the car insurance is legal.
Omarsays you have a problem
with your father.
Yes, my father.
Yes, he's been in the hospital
for a week. It's very sad.
We're getting the results today.
And you do not see yourmother?
I'm sorry, will you
excuse me a second?
Hello? Dad, I'm on the other line.
I'll call you back.
- There's no room service.
- You're in the hospital.
I want Chinese. Shrimp!
Okay, fine, fine, fine.
Hello?
No!
How much does she claim
the radiator will cost?
I don't know.
I lost her. Dad called.
And now I bet she nails us
with a gigantic bill.
And what does he want?
Chinese food! He wants Chinese food.
Now, how is it that a man who can
barely recognize his own pants...
...can remember his daughter's
phone number?
That's one of life's great mysteries.
- You really shouldn't talk to him.
- I have to.
Why?
I don't know.
Oh, Joe, don't go. Don't go.
- I have to.
- I hate it when you go.
I do interviews every three weeks.
I feel like that actress in those
'50s movies; "Don't go, don't go."
But the husband goes,
and the plane crashes.
Only she doesn't know it. She's busy
preparing that reunion supper...
...or playing with her toddlers.
Until the phone rings.
My plane is not going to crash.
Are you listening?
Listen, listen, listen!
My plane is not going to crash.
Okay, I have to pack now.
- What is her name?
- I don't know. Janet Leigh?
Blond. No. A little bit bland?
God, I can't remember.
There's gonna be a TV show called
Name That Person You Already Know.
Teresa Wright?
No. Not Teresa Wright. Shit!
I must say I prefera hamburger,
whetherit's in 21 in New York City...
I must say I prefera hamburger,
whetherit's in 21 in New York City...
...or Carl's Jr. in Orange County.
There's nothing better...
...than a charcoal-broiled hamburger.
That's amazzing, Madge.
Really, it's fantastic.
I knew you'd think so.
You can ask him anything.
Entertainers.
Elvis.
People say that because
he had used drugs...
...that therefore he could not
be a good example.
They overlook the fact that
he never used illegal drugs.
It was always drugs prescribed
by his physician.
- Would you like to step this way?
- Certainly.
Come on, Kim.
Madge, I bet Julie and Tricia
just love this.
How could they not?
Here their daddy lives forever.
I've been studying the floor plan, but
I wasn't quite prepared for the...
- They have parties here?
- All the time.
- Tell her.
- Thank you.
Our speaker canceled.
You're a powerful group. I'm sure
we can get someone to pinch-hit.
But they'll have to be dynamic,
inspiring, brilliant and...
We're thinking of your sister.
My sister?
- Excuse me.
- We want Georgia.
Evie, can you get me
Georgia's magazine?
Now's not a good time, Dad.
My father.
- Is Georgia there?
- No, Georgia's not here.
See, everyone is fascinated by her.
This is her father.
Of course he is fascinated by her.
Georgia takes crap and makes gold
out ofit. She is fantastic.
Okay, Dad. I'll call you back.
Where were we? My mind is a blank.
Georgia.
Thanks, Kim.
I'm terribly sorry,
but she is swamped.
She's putting out the fifth anniversary
issue of her magazine.
I think she's marvelous because
she's my sister. I love her.
- But we don't really want her, do we?
- Absolutely.
Okay. I'll give it a try.
You got it.
Kim, do you wanna try
to get Georgia on the phone?
Call her?
Once upon a time
I met a girl with moonbeams
In her eyes
She put herhand in mine
But that was long ago
- Hi, Dad.
- Hiya, sweetheart.
You remember this?
This song?
Once upon a time
I met a girl with moonbeams
In her eyes
Yeah, kind of.
- Look.
- What time is it?
It's 1;25. Look what I have.
Oh, you got the Chinese! Good.
Did you get the moo goo gai pan?
I got the moo goo gai pan,
and I got the fried shrimp.
- The fried rice with shrimp.
- Shrimp?
You know I can't eat shrimp.
I didn't know that.
What do you mean?
You remember that story
when I scrubbed in...
...for a retrocecal appendectomy
in Honuman Hospital.
The infected appendix, we never knew
it was in back of...
...the cecum.
The cecum is
a useless appendage anyway.
I mean, it was an appendix,
but it looked...
...sure as dickens like a shrimp.
And three years later, I tried
to eat a shrimp cocktail.
- What happened?
- Broke out in these half-dollar hives.
Haven't had a shrimp since.
Too bad, because I like it.
I'm sorry.
- I can get something else.
- I'll eat the moo goo gai pan.
I actually knew a girl named Moo Goo
Gai Pan. That was her last name.
Moo Goo Gai Pan?
Her first name was Freda.
Freda Moo Goo Gai Pan.
She was half-Jewish, half-Chinese.
A lot of people called her
the Ori-yenta.
What time is it?
It's 1;26.
I never should have left your mother.
Dad, she left you.
Looking very attractive today.
Why don't you sit down?
Make yourself comfortable.
You're very attractive-looking.
Thank you.
You're beautiful.
Very sexy, you know.
We never got it on, but...
I want you, Cleo.
I really do, Cleo.
I would love to make love.
Dad, I'm not Cleo.
I'm Eve, your daughter.
You're not my daughter!
I don't have any daughters!
I have sons.
My daughters left me.
They left me. They went to New York.
Good riddance.
Don't know where the affection is.
Don't know anything.
You have a burden when you have girls.
Daughters are treacherous.
Treacherous!
Dad didn't even get
a Christmas tree this year.
Maddy, he tried to kill himself.
If Mom hadn't left him,
he never would have tried this.
I don't understand.
She left him 10 years ago.
He should get over her already.
Don't you think?
Look, this neighborhood never changes.
Giant packages again.
- Rudolph.
- He's disgusting.
- Here's your favorite.
- Please, not Scroogeville again.
I'm sorry.
Did you get him a present?
Of course I got him a present.
Remember how beautiful
this place used to be?
I know. With Mom's gardens.
Dad fired the gardener.
He said he was stealing.
Oh, look!
Oh, look at Mom's roses.
They're dead.
Oh, no. But the pool?
It had a fungus. So...
Here, let me get this for you.
Maddy, will you take this?
- Does she ever call you?
- Mom? No.
- Of course not.
- Me either.
- Dad?
- Where is he?
- God, it smells.
- I know.
I'll go look in here.
I'll check the kitchen.
Are you in the kitchen? Dad?
I'm worried. Do you think he's okay?
- Who is it?
- It's us, Dad!
Who is that woman?
It's cool.
It's my girls!
Hi, Daddy.
Georgie-Porgie! Evie-baby!
- And Maddy!
- Hi, Daddy.
- Are you okay?
- I'm fine. I'm great now!
Come on in.
Esther, say hello to the girls!
You remember her, don't you?
"Mouthwash"?
"Rinse and spit"?
- What does that mean?
- Esther.
You're kidding!
- It's Esther.
- No way. Are you serious?
Yeah, from the dentist.
We remember you, sure.
I bumped into your dad while visiting
my brother-in-law.
He had to have his colon taken out.
Poor thing. My God!
They're gonna connect
the whole thing back up again.
So I was poking around in different
rooms looking for him, and here he was!
He's cute!
Girls, let's go sit with the bullet.
Well, now, I'm just gonna buzz off
and let you all catch up.
And you...
You know where to find me!
Look at him.
She's a great lay.
Dad!
I'm so sorry to hear about your mom.
I feel terrible about that.
But if that happened to somebody
in my family...
...I would stick to cars.
What happened to Mom?
I said she went down
in that crash in Denver.
What crash in Denver?
I'm telling you, people always think
that they remember plane crashes...
...even though they never took place.
But Mom's not dead.
She's in Big Bear.
It's the same thing.
Guess you're feeling better, huh, Dad?
I miss her, Evie.
Mom?
I can't sleep without her.
I miss her just being there
and just...
She's sort of...
She's the other half of me.
I mean, I feel like a guy
with one leg.
Yeah, I can't sleep without her.
Hey, Mom.
Are you taller?
I don't think so.
You're prettier than I remember.
Mom, I wanted to ask you
about the roses.
Are you supposed to cut them back to
a three-leaf configuration or a five?
Get some cups here.
In the cabinet.
- Is it locked?
- No, it's open. Right there.
Lemon? Milk with your tea?
I don't care.
Lemon's better for you.
Lemon?
The roses are all leggy and sad.
Dad's not that much of a gardener.
It's a five-leaf configuration,
by the way.
Mom, just come home. You have to,
because everything is a mess.
Eve, dear, this is my home.
What are you talking about?
This is nowhere.
This is like you're living
with a bunch of squirrels.
Come home and visit, and
just come and talk to Dad.
You know, he tried to kill himself.
But he didn't succeed.
No, he took an overdose
of Percodan, Mom.
Your father.
Well, look, I'm very worried
about Maddy.
She's dropped out.
She's living at the beach.
She thinks she'll be a rock star,
and she can't carry a tune.
Let me think how to put this.
Motherhood doesn't turn out
to be a reason.
For what?
What I mean is, I'm not one of those
women who needed to be a mother.
When I was growing up, all the girls
wanted to be, so I thought I did too.
But it didn't take.
Just being honest.
Well...
Thank you.
Dad!
You need anything?
You want something?
- Yeah, drive me around.
- Are you all right?
What's wrong?
Did you take some more pills?
No, I just had a little scotch.
No pills.
I was just kidding around
with the pills.
Kidding around?
I didn't mean to take them.
Baby?
Drive me.
Well... Yeah, okay. Whatever.
Where do you wanna go?
Home.
Do you wanna get a tree?
Yes!
Do you wanna get a Christmas tree?
Merry Christmas!
Hey, Dad! Fake snow!
Of course it's fake.
What do you want in L.A.? Real?
We'll get a big one.
A big one, like always!
Dad! How about this one?
Look at this. This is good!
Bigger! That's a dwarf! It's a runt!
We'll get the King Kong of trees!
- Look! What about this one?
- This one?
Your mom always said,
"Don't get a big tree."
- Well, the hell with her!
- Yeah, to hell with her.
Attagirl! That's my cookie!
To hell with her!
It's snowing, Evie. It's gonna
be a white Christmas.
Look how beautiful it is!
Oh, thank you, thank you!
Beautiful snow! Thank you!
He's dead.
Hello?
Mom, the door!
Eve, it's Maddy. Open up!
Oh, look at that! Oh, good!
Hey, he loves you. That's so good!
Eve, meet Buck.
- This is Buck?
- Yeah, isn't he awesome? I know.
Wanna hear the saddest?
He's got Lyme disease.
Probably from all those moose in
Montana. I just got the results.
Where are you going?
- Wait! Where is he going?
- It's okay.
Hey there, doggy! Whoa!
Look at him! He's going to eat
the couch. Get him off!
He would never do that.
He's an angel.
He gets these paralyzed attacks.
He has to have four pills a day,
and I'm on the set all day.
Just forget it, Maddy.
I'm not doing that.
He won't survive!
That better be Georgia.
I've been trying to reach her,
and she never calls me back!
Georgia. Hi. Listen.
This speech, you've got
to do it for me.
You've got to come here and do it
on April 7th. One week.
Well, fine.
- Fine?
- When have I everletyou down?
Thank you.
That's old.
Yeah, Maddy's here.
What? Why is she there so early?
I see. Silence.
Tell me later.
I can't wait.
How's Dad?
I spend my life at that hospital,
and he will die asking for you.
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Our father is not dying. It's
possible our father is never dying.
You need more in your life, so you
don't blow things out of proportion.
You are such a hysteric when it comes
to Dad. You've got to get a grip.
One more thing before I go.
You know what? I'll send you my
banner. I'm using it for my speeches.
Your banner?
She has a banner!
What does it say? "Georgia"?
I'll be in L. A...
That's enough. Thank you.
Jonathan. I've got it now.
My hair looks really good.
Jesus Christ, he's gotta...
Take a vacation, will you?
I've got this L.A. advertising push, so
I can knock off your little thing too.
I was gonna wiggle out ofit.
Don't wiggle out on me!
When are you coming to the hospital?
Jesse, come in here!
It's breakfast time!
Or are you just too busy?
Take it easy! My God, you're so edgy.
I'm coming to the hospital
this week at lunch.
I'm coming with my leg in a cast.
Juliana got hit by an Aston Martin.
Fine.
Buck, honey.
Mommy has to leave you with Aunt Eve
because you have to have your pills.
Baby.
Okay, she's a very nice person.
Yeah. There she is.
Georgia's doing you a favor.
Don't cut it down.
Just put it up behind the dais.
Yes. Just stick...
It doesn't matter.
You can't cut it down.
No, I'll be there in exactly...
Come on. Just...
All right. Come on!
Come on, Buck, swallow this!
Come on. Now, you want this pill.
You need it!
Juliana. As I feared,
you have a shattered fibula.
How can you tell he's gay? He is gay.
He's not convincing.
Name one actor on TV playing
a heterosexual that isn't gay.
Walter Cronkite.
Hey, your dad's on the machine.
Look what I built.
Is that actress Doris Day?
Go sit in your special chair.
Back there. Yeah, there you go.
You're in love with him?
How can you be in love with him?
He looks like some sort of a beetle.
He doesn't look like a beetle!
But why can't you just enjoy
something that I'm in?
I was once arrested.
I was in isolation.
As part of the punishment,
they showed your show.
I'll get you so good!
Just eat one!
God!
Well, tell Maddy to get herass over
to the house and pick up the dog.
What are we? A kennel?
I swear, Joe, it's like feeding
a pill to a whale.
Honey, this is how
this stuffhappens, okay?
You have to stop letting people
walk all overyou.
You are a million miles away
in some stupid town...
...talking to people
who mean nothing to you.
Don't call and give me orders.
You are not on my side.
You cannot mean that.
I don't know what I mean, all right?
Don't tell me I do, because I don't!
I don't want to talk right now, Joe!
It's Dr. Kelly.
What is it?
Well...
Your father is missing.
Missing?
Well, that's impossible.
He can't walk. He's in a locked ward.
I mean, he must be misplaced.
Nevertheless...
Did you check the other rooms?
Did you check the female patients?
Check in the bed of every single
female patient.
You should talk to that nurse
with the curly hair.
Did you talk to Angie
from the Motion Picture Home?
I'm sure we'll turn him up.
Sit tight.
What am I supposed...?
Come on, Daddy!
We got a call from Angelo Drive.
Found. Found.
- Is he right in there?
- Yeah, sure, go on in.
Thank you. I'm very sorry.
That's okay.
- It's my Evie!
- Hi, Dad.
Come over here, Evie.
I can't get up. I got myself in here,
and now I can't get up.
How did you get here?
Taxi. Best way to travel.
Don't forget that.
All right. I'll try not to.
What's that over there?
It looks like some ginger
in a large vase.
Maybe they like that kind of thing.
Who?
The people that live in our house now.
You know, sometimes I don't
recognize my own hands.
Did you call Georgia?
Yes. She's very worried.
- How about Maddy?
- Her too.
Call her.
Who?
She doesn't know I'm here.
Tell her to come.
Who? Mom?
Yeah.
- No, Dad.
- Come on.
- I'm not gonna do that.
- I just gotta speak to her.
I'm not going to do that.
You don't have any clarity
when it comes to her.
- What?
- You can't ask me to do that.
I'm asking you as a favor!
She doesn't like us!
You locked me up because of Jesse,
didn't you?
You put me in jail because of Jesse!
We'll make the big room into a bedroom.
This whole thing is like a dream.
Joe getting his own program on KCLU.
Hello, Jesse! Come here, buddy.
Come here, birthday boy!
- Look! Here's your first present.
- Thank you.
You have a phone!
You know, we have to go up here
because guess what?
Your daddy's got your costume ready.
Hello, this is Jesse Marks speaking.
Are you gonna be a clown?
So, Eve, I've decided
to become an actress.
Aren't you too old?
- How can you say that?
- You're almost 29.
Even our Georgia wrote that article;
"5 Careers You Can't Have After 40,
5 You Can."
Actress is a "can't."
Like I read Vogue.
No wonder they're firing her if
she's running articles like that.
They're firing her?
What are you saying?
Carlo knows this fashion photographer,
and he said ad revenue is way down.
Who's Carlo?
Someone who happens to be important
to me. Anyway, he said she's history.
That is terrible.
I really feel bad for her.
No, me too.
Georgia. Fired.
She'll be devastated.
Does she know?
I don't know. Should we tell her?
I don't know.
Is that bad, coming from us?
- I'm not telling her.
- You should tell her.
Why do I have to do everything?
I'm not gonna do that.
This is, like, the 10th call
this week. Hi, Dad.
It's her!
How are you?
I have some news.
- I think it happened.
- They fired her?
- What?
- Are you sitting down? Oh, God!
Guess what? I am starting
my own magazine!
- What?
- Oh, my God!
- She was fired.
- How is this possible?
And guess what I'm calling it.
Georgia.
Really.
Didn't I tell you?
- So she was fired.
- Well, probably.
Let's just be happy for her.
We didn't really want her out
on the street or anything.
Did we?
She's gonna be more famous
than ever.
Thank God I'm changing my last name.
To what?
Moore. Madeline Moore.
"I'm Madeline Moore, hi."
You don't hate her?
The week her stuffing recipe came out
in The New York Times...
...even my bank teller was like,
"Are you related to her?"
She doesn't even cook!
Where did she get that recipe from?
It was mine.
No!
That's the most horrible thing
I've heard of.
It is, isn't it? Bitch!
- That's good. That's healthy.
- Bitch!
That is so healthy for you to say that!
Good! I hope you blew up at her.
Well, no.
You let her get away with anything.
I can't get mad at Georgia.
She's the only mother I've got.
That's pathetic. God.
This is the way I see it.
It's like we're on this racetrack, and
she's a Lamborghini and we're Hondas.
Even though we're these really great
cars, and we get really high mileage...
...anybody with any brains would rather
have a Honda than a Lamborghini.
Well, the point is,
no matter how fast we go...
...she keeps whipping around
that track faster and faster.
Okay, I am not a Honda.
It's just a metaphor.
Well, you can feel about her
however you want...
...but I'm not going through life
thinking I'm a jalopy.
You're not. I wouldn't be caught dead
driving one either.
- "They get high mileage!"
- It's a metaphor!
- It's a stupid metaphor!
- Well, I take it back!
If you weren't the only mother I've got,
I'd be mad at you for that metaphor.
I take it back.
And I need you too.
- Hondas get really good trade-in.
- Do they?
- I got chocolate all over your shirt.
- Really?
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dearJesse
Happy birthday to you
Wait! The hat, the hat!
Ready, steady.
Look at your daddy!
Show how old you are!
Five years old!
You did great! That was good.
Where the hell am I? Tijuana?
Hey, what are these midgets doing here?
Get out of my way!
What is this?
A convention of midgets?
Trick or treat, it's very sweet.
42nd Street.
- I've seen him worse.
- Worse than this?
Hey, hi. I know you.
Miss Mouse, right? Miss Mousy.
- Miss Mousy.
- Why don't we go into the other room?
I ran away from Cleo.
- Come with me.
- You know what I mean?
Let's go into the kitchen.
I don't want to go to...
You go to the kitchen!
Get out!
You're coming with me.
Let go of me!
You're coming with me now!
My cake, Mommy. My cake!
Here, here. Come here.
Come here.
Please stay.
It's Jesse's birthday.
You go with your Aunt Maddy.
Just take over.
Help her hand out those party favors.
My dad.
Who wants a party favor? Come on,
Jesse. Let's see what we got.
Come on, come on.
- Give me a drink.
- I'm not doing that, so forget it.
- I'll make him some coffee.
- Cleo, answer the phone!
Who is Cleo?
This is my home, all right?
You just can't come into my home...!
Cleo, answer the goddamn phone!
Lou, why don't you try
the call later on?
I know you.
You'd like to screw the little
Miss Mousy, wouldn't you?
I know what you're thinking.
Get out!
What are you talking about, "get out"?
A father comes to visit his daughter,
"get out."
Your mother was right about you.
"Throw that one back."
What?
That's what she said. She took
one look. "Throw that one back."
She was right about you;
"Throw that one out!"
"Dump the creep." You bastard!
Just get out!
Just get out, you bastard!
You're just awful!
Hateful bastard! Get out!
How could he say that?
Thank you very much.
It's okay, baby.
Thank you, wonderful daughter.
"Bastard." Thank you very much.
Thank you very much!
What happened?
What did Dad do?
What did he do?
Did you see him?
He's a drunk, Maddy! Damn it!
He's just... He's out there.
He's living a crazy, sick,
demented life.
He's never setting foot
in this house again. Is that clear?
Ever.
Oh, God!
Here.
I just feel awful.
Cleo, answer the goddamn phone!
Cleo, answer the goddamn phone!
- A mini-stroke.
- What?
- Dr. Kelly swears he'll recover.
- That's good news.
Dad wants me to call Mom, and I...
I just can't. I won't...
Now, please. You'll be all right.
- What? What's the matter?
- Omar.
Omar who?
He's just a doctor who's gonna
slap me with a gigantic bill.
That's whyyou have to force Dad
to sign a blank check.
What?
lfhe has a maxi-stroke, we can get
everything out ofhis bank account.
He could need round-the-clock care.
I can't deal with this right now.
Call me later, sweets. Bye.
Hello, coffee machine.
Come on.
Oh, come on! Come on! Just work!
Something just has to goddamn work!
What are you doing? Crashing,
banging all the time. See this?
This is a coffee machine in a hospital,
and it doesn't work.
The people who come here need to have
some coffee when they're waiting.
You are still at large.
- My God.
- I'm very sorry.
It's nice to see you.
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
My father had a mini-stroke.
I'm very sorry to hear that.
But you have...
Excuse me.
- What do you want?
- Hi, Kim. What's wrong now?
Don't ask me. I'm returning
your call. Hello?
- I called you?
- Yes, you called me.
I'll probably be here for a while...
...so would you please make sure
to pick up Jesse from the school...
...give him his snack, do not forget.
Did you call the Nixon Library?
Why would I do that?
Why?! Because the party
is tomorrow, Kim.
And call Georgia and make sure
she's got her plane ticket.
God! Unbelievable person!
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Thank you.
Did you decide about the car?
Yes.
- Very expensive.
- Very expensive?
You don't have to tell
my insurance company.
Maybe you have to tell
the insurance company.
Mercedes mechanic very honest but...
Very honest. I'm sure about that.
Tomorrow he's going to give me the...
What do you call it?
- Estimates.
- Right.
I can't believe I remembered that word.
I can't believe it.
I can't remember the name of this blond,
bland actress from the '50s...
...who was short and always suffering.
Is that a normal thing?
A little bit of forgetting is nothing.
When you are upset, it's...
Wait, hold on. Excuse me. Sorry.
Herplane tickets didn't arrive.
Well, then, Kim, will you call Fed-Ex!
God!
God!
Where is your husband?
He's in South Dakota,
where they have beautiful sunsets.
You need a prescription.
For what? What do I need
a prescription for?
I'm gonna tell you.
It's very nearby. You're in luck.
Thank you. It was nice to see you.
Man!
Olivia de Havilland. Was it?
No.
Kim Novak?
Okay, so, what?
Georgia thinks that you should
sign a blank check...
...in case we need some money.
She needs dough?
No. She thinks that you should
sign a blank check.
She broke?
No, Dad.
She just thinks that you should
sign this check.
Seems to go against all the rules
of civilized existence.
In case we need to get money out
of your account to hire...
- For who?
- For you.
We don't have to make out
a blank check.
We'll make out a check for whatever
purposes we need a check for.
It makes it much easier for us
if you would sign...
Take this pen. Just take the pen
and sign your name right here.
I'm not gonna sign my name
on a blank check.
Sign the check, please!
Is that Eve Marks?
I am Ogmed Kunundar.
- Who?
- Omar's mother.
Omar says you do not have an arm
or a shoulder for leaning on.
I don't. I don't, no.
I am here.
How are you today?
Patsy?
Not Mom.
You're wearing a wig?
No, Dad. This is not Mom.
It's Ogmed Kunundar.
Then do me a favor.
Piss off, will you?
Get out of here with that
ill-fitting wig!
Piss off, will you?
I'm really... I'm very, very sorry.
I apologize.
You want to go get some coffee
or tea or something? Excuse us.
It's the first rule in business;
Never sign a blank check,
because you'll wind up...
...in the you-know-where.
In the old craperooney.
- How about here?
- That's great. Yeah, sure.
I'm very sorry about my father.
You know what I see?
I see your father.
He is an uproar man,
just like Ayatollah...
...and that is why I leave Persia.
The Ayatollah, he is never happy
unless everyone is upset all the time.
Your father, he has
a bad case of uproar.
But not so bad as the Ayatollah.
Sorry.
He's always been such a nightmare.
You love your father very much.
Oh, I do?
I don't know how I could. How could I
possibly love this nutcase?
Now he's dying, and I'm stuck with him.
I'm stuck with him.
This mess is my father
forever and ever?
He'll never clean up his act.
He'll never get it together.
He's never gonna give me wisdom.
Comfort.
And he wants something from me.
He wants me to call my mother.
And she's gonna refuse to come.
And he knows it.
He knows it. I swear, somewhere
in there, he knows it...
...and it's gonna break
his heart anyway.
And I don't want to do it.
I don't want to do it. I can't.
I just can't.
We must make two toasts.
To your bravery.
To my bravery.
And to your grief.
To my grief.
His machine.
Omar, this is your mother.
I am here with Eve. She has too many
worries. She should not have to pay.
One ovary will pay for three cars,
and that will be the end of it.
You don't have to do that.
That accident was my fault.
Fault is never the point.
You are a very warm person.
What makes me think you got
this warmth from your father?
I don't know what to do.
What do you think I should do?
What should I do?
Would you press "end"?
I never could seem to find the "end."
You know, sometimes it is necessary
to disconnect.
About Mom...
There was an earthquake.
A big one.
In Big Bear.
A nine-point...
...eleven...
...on the Richter scale.
And the house that she lived in...
...wasn't really very strong.
Especially the doorways.
And you know how you're always
supposed to stand in the doorways.
Dead?
I won.
Yes, you did.
Hey, Jesse.
I'm home.
Hi, Mom.
Eve, dear, it's Madge.
Regarding the party tomorrow,
how about having nametags?
There are only about 500 women coming.
I thought ifyou got up early, you'd...
Do you do calligraphy?
There. Good dog!
Do you think we made a mistake,
not having nametags?
Because there's just never a moment
then that you can't remember a name.
It's just that that would be amazing.
I hope that Georgia's plane landed.
I think it should have.
I can't remember which flight
she was on, if it was 845, 854...
...but I wouldn't worry.
Oh, my God, it's Georgia!
It's Georgia!
It's Georgia.
There she is!
Oh, honey!
When did everybody start
kissing air? It's...
Affected. I know. Look at this!
Hot off the press!
Oh, it's so beautiful!
- Madge Turner. I'm head of it all.
- Hello, Madge!
I'm Martin. I'll be your liaison.
I don't want any more lights.
I hope you'll sign the cover!
And we would love for you to write
an article for our newsletter.
Let me just talk to Georgia
just for a second.
Look at you. Aren't you gorgeous?
- Did you get the banner?
- It's behind the podium.
Thank God. You're so brilliant.
How's Daddy?
He could go at any minute.
Don't tug at your face.
I'm not tugging, I'm mushing.
You cannot do that.
You know your face is falling.
And your nose never stops growing.
My nose and my ears.
You always tell me. I know.
No, but I can look short.
I gotta go.
We need to get going, Georgia.
Several VIPs are waiting
for a photo with you.
Thank you so much. That's enough.
No, really. Stop!
Thank you so much.
I'm sort of embarrassed.
Look at this.
What a surprise!
Thank you!
It's so nice to be back
in Los Angeles again.
All right, that's enough.
Thank you. Stop.
Really, you have to stop. Thanks.
All right, anyway...
I'm so excited to be here.
I was on the plane going over my speech,
the speech I always give...
...and of course I talk about
Georgia, my magazine...
...which is about to celebrate
its fifth anniversary.
Can you believe that?
I was going to talk about
the issue of face-lifts;
To do or not to do.
About aging.
About the fact that
it's okay to age...
...but, of course,
I don't believe that.
Anyway, I was sitting
on the plane and...
...I realized I didn't want
to talk about any of that...
...because something
very important is happening.
And that's what I wanna talk about.
My father is in the hospital.
My father...
...is dying.
This has been the hardest
challenge of my life;
To put out the fifth anniversary edition
while my father's life slips away.
Any of you who have lost a parent
knows how wrenching it is...
...to see your mother
or your father's life ebb.
Excuse me.
This is so embarrassing for me.
But as upset as I was...
...I forged on because I knew that...
...that is what my father
would want me to do.
Incredible. We spend our lives
at that hospital.
We?!
- of the daddy that I love.
As we embark on the new millennium
we must ask ourselves this;
How can we be there for our parents
as they were there for us?
This is what I call the "Next Hurdle";
Dealing with the death of our parents
while confronting our own mortality.
And I promise you,
each and every one of you...
...that Georgia the magazine
and Georgia the person...
...will help you deal with this
every step of the way.
Thank you.
Thank you so much. Thank you.
Thank you so much.
She's wonderful.
Oh, come on!
Absolutely incredible.
Thank you!
We'll do this together!
You're all sweet. I love you.
For anyone interested, I'll be signing
autographs in the Pat Nixon suite.
I think you want to talk
to Madge Turner.
Well, that was a success.
Something wrong?
- I can't believe what you did.
- What?
And you always do it!
You take my life, and you use it.
I'm the one who's been here, not you.
Wait a minute! When did I take
your life and use it?
The stuffing recipe.
What stuffing recipe?
I don't even make stuffing!
I invented a stuffing recipe
with apples and apricots...
...and you gave it
to The New York Times.
- Yes, well, didn't I ask?
- No!
You didn't ask, and you haven't helped.
Where are you going?
Just wait a second!
How many times have I asked for
the tiniest mention in your magazine?
What does that have to do with anything?
Just stay on the subject!
So you can yell at me,
but you can't yell at her?
Gee whiz! I will put you
in the magazine!
Don't you dare!
That is so manipulative!
So manipulative! I have been
the one dealing with Dad. Not you!
You order me to get him to sign a blank
check, talk to a real doctor...
And I understand how important it is
to make the world safe for liposuction!
But I just wanna say
I am sick of it!
I mean, wait a second, Eve!
I admit that I haven't been there.
You admit it?!
- I took calls from him all those years.
- Your assistant did!
- I told you, you need an assistant.
- I have an assistant!
That's not what we call an assistant.
He needed me.
And you just goddamn love it!
It's not Eve's fault!
Dad depended on her.
Will you mind your own business?
I can fight my own battles!
Wait! Why are you having
a family fight without me?
You always ignore me!
From that Halloween I was 5
and dressed as a carrot.
You snuck out of the house and
went trick-or-treating without me!
I'm part of this family!
I'm just as much a part of this family
as you, and I wanna fight!
- Fine!
- Good!
You are so self-centered
and egotistical!
You're so self-sacrificing!
No one takes me seriously
as an actress!
You abandon your father.
He didn't need me here! He's got you!
That is an unbelievable cop-out!
No one watches my show!
Another excuse for you
not to be here!
I couldn't be here! I cannot be here!
You wanna know why? If anything
happens that's not about you...
...you are bored witless!
That is true. Okay?
Besides, we're not famous.
Which is another reason
she didn't bother to come.
I've told you a million times. Stop
talking to me as if I'm like you!
Oh, fuck you!
And fuck you!
- Excuse me.
- What? Oh, God!
You have a phone call.
Did Mitchell know to any degree
what was going on?
Who is this?
That's the President's smoking-gun
call with Haldeman. Talk on this.
Yes, this is Eve Marks.
Oh, my God.
- What happened?
- He's in a coma.
I'm going to the hospital.
So am I.
So am I!
Wait! Wait for me.
What's the big rush, you guys?
Hello, what?
No, I can't right now, all right?
I'll talk to you later.
It's here.
Oh, my God.
Dad?
Dad?
- Can he hear us?
- Why does he have one pillow?
A person can't possibly be
comfortable with one... What?
What?
Are you not going to speak to me?
Is that what this is about?
Why aren't you talking to me?
I didn't do anything.
I see. And I did. Is that it?
This is just...
This is really great.
This is really great.
Can you believe she's
making this about herself?
Fine.
Don't talk to me. Good.
Do I have anything in my teeth?
You're not the only one
that this is happening to.
I know.
Sorry.
But since I'm an actress,
I suppose I could use this stuff.
That's the good part, right?
The sad part is that
I really love Dad.
I'm his baby.
Do you want a candy bar?
I'm getting a candy bar.
Excuse me. Aren't you
Juliana on Living Dangerously?
Yes. Yes, I am.
You should have never
gone to the Bahamas...
...because he cheated on you.
Thanks.
She recognized me!
Georgia, someone just recognized me!
Great.
Thank you.
All right, look.
I know what you said.
- About what?
- That I wanted it.
Forget it.
I'm sorry I said that, Eve.
There are things that happen
that you just don't choose.
You know, they just...
You embrace them, and they become
part of your identity.
And Mom left Dad to me. Or at least...
I don't know.
It felt like she did.
And part of me was so...
...proud.
Then the other part of me just
resented every second of it...
...because he is just a handful.
I should have been here. I should've
been here, and I know that.
But I knew that if you were here,
he didn't need me.
I mean, let's face it.
God help anyone who needs me.
I needed you.
He didn't need you. I needed you.
I'm sorry.
I'm very sorry, all right?
- I'm really sorry.
- I'm sorry too.
I love you very much.
Do you know that?
I love you, and...
I gave you that great speech.
Yes, yes, you did.
And I'm very grateful.
Okay, you're grateful. Shut up.
You know, Eve...
...I have never been jealous of anyone
in my entire life, but...
...I have to admit that...
...I am just the tiniest bit
jealous of your heart.
- You forgive me?
- I love you. I do.
I love you.
Who does Dad look like?
Now he looks like that senator.
What was his name?
The one who got insulted,
and his wife cried.
Edmund Muskie.
Yes!
Who was Edmund Muskie?
I've been trying
to remember the name...
...of this short, blond actress
from the '50s, or maybe it was the '40s.
- What about Vera-Ellen?
- No. Very thin hair.
Donna Reed.
- Janet Leigh.
- Donna Reed wasn't short or blond.
Doris Day. I'm right.
Cleo!
Who was she?
- Who was she?
- Daddy's favorite.
He picked her up in
an Italian restaurant.
Wait a minute.
She played wimps,
and she was kind of wide.
Doris Day. Wide.
Please tell me and give me
peace of mind.
June Allyson.
Dad?
Oh, Daddy!
Did he talk? He said, "June Allyson"!
Did you just say, "June Allyson"?
Nurse!
He's coming around!
He just said, "June Allyson."
Check and see. It's fine.
- Doesn't start with an "L."
- It almost does.
Maddy, it almost starts with an "L."
Dad?
He said, "June Allyson." He's dead.
Evie, John Waynejust called.
Tell Georgia! Tell Maddy!
Georgie-Porgie! Evie-baby!
I love all my beautiful,
beautiful girls.
It's my Evie.
Look how beautiful you are
in the snow.
That's my Evie. That's my cookie.
Did you take...? You did.
You took every almond out of here.
Every single one.
What about the celery?
Did you listen to me?
Georgia, it looks exactly right.
Are these onions supposed
to get this limp?
Yes, they are. It's called cooking.
That's what happens to an onion.
But wait. See?
That looks very good.
You have made my stuffing.
Let me see what this is like.
All right.
This is so good!
It's so good!
I can't believe you guys are doing
this. I can't believe it.
- Does it need more apricots?
- It doesn't need anything!
Please sit and have fun.
Enjoy your life.
We're supposed to put the stuffing
inside the bird with our hands?
You have to stuff it way
to the back of the bird.
It'll be goopy and awful,
but you have to do it.
Well, you enjoy that.
That's my gift to you.
You guys, listen. I do want to tell
you that I've decided to quit acting.
My character gets killed
in some random violence...
...while drinking a decaf cappuccino.
That's so sad!
And so I quit.
I'm sad for you. This is sad.
This bird is done.
You were good.
You were great, I'm sure.
Please open the door.
Is the oven preheated?
- Is it heavy?
- Yes! Could you help me?
It is really heavy.
You're strong. It's in!
You did it! All right!
Let's go sit with the bullet!
Do you wanna sit with the bullet?
- Thanks for helping!
- You're welcome.
You know what?
You're a little bit shiny!
This is Donna Karan!
Good God! That's Donna Karan!
No, wait a minute!
You can't stop me!
It's in your mouth.
No, Maddy. Eve, help me!
I have a Donna Karan dress...
Wait a minute!