Hey, Rico. What's going on over here?
A wonderful thing.
A wonderful, magical thing.
The mother ship's finally coming back
to take you to Planet Shortdork?
(CHUCKLES)
No.
That generous billionaire over there
is donating a new playground.
Finally, the children will have a swing
to swing on, a slide to slide on...
And your hot dogs to spend money on?
Papa didn't raise no fool.
Now, if you'll excuse me,
it's time to hop
into the world of advertising.
Miley. Miley.
Hello!
(EXCLAlMS)
What?
That guy over there.
When l saw him, it was like we were
the only two people on this beach.
(GASPS)
They say that happens with true love.
What if it turns out that he's the one?
At your wedding, l'll be able to say that
l was standing right next to you when...
You completely ignored me
and walked away.
Ladies and gentlemen,
on behalf of my wife, Jeanette,
and myself, William Harris,
it's a great honor
to present to the city of Malibu
this check for the new William Harris
Playground and Recreation Center.
(PEOPLE CLAP)
Hi.
Hi.
This isn't about me, William Harris.
This is about the children.
(RlCO EXCLAlMS)
About the children,
and how happy they will be
playing at the William Harris
Playground and Recreation Center,
donated by me, William Harris.
Wow, l guess the only thing bigger
than that check is his big fat head.
Now, l want you to meet my son.
This ought to be good.
-Trey.
-That's me.
Of course it is.
(SINGING) Come on!
You get the limo out front
Hottest styles, every shoe
every color
Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
It's really you
but no one ever discovers
Who would have thought
that a girl like me
Would double as a superstar?
You get the best of both worlds
Chill it out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show
You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together
And you know that
it's the best of both worlds
(LAUGHlNG)
Miley, it's been two days.
You got to forget about him.
l can't. l let him slip through my fingers
like this sand he walked on.
This beautiful, beautiful sand.
Bye-bye sand.
Okay, you talked to him
for like a minute.
-You don't even know him.
-So?
You're in love with Orlando Bloom,
and he doesn't even know you exist.
Yet. But he will. And then
you will watch the Lilly Bloom.
-Lilly Bloom?
-l know! How cool is that?
Lilly, l'm serious.
l can't get him out of my head,
and now he's gone.
lt's not like Orlando, where you can
just push ''play disc'' again.
And, in the shirtless scenes, slo-mo.
(COUNTRY MUSlC RlNGTONE)
lnteresting ring.
-Well, l was homesick.
-Yeah.
-Hello.
-Hannah.
Hey, Traci,
now's not really a good time.
Tell me about it.
My Putt-Putt for Puppies charity event
is in four hours,
and l just found out Abigail Breslin
and her partner are wearing blue.
Wow! First, global warming,
and now this.
l know! So, fashion flash,
Team Traci is now wearing mauve.
-What?
-Mauve.
-What?
-Purple! Just wear purple!
Traci, l don't think
l'm going to be able to come tonight.
Hannah, you're my partner.
l can't be partner-less
at my own Putt-Putt for Puppies party.
l'll look pathetic.
(SOBS)
-Fine, l'll be there.
-All better.
What did she want?
To make sure l was wearing mauve.
-What?
-Mauve.
-What?
-Purple!
l don't even want to go.
l just want to sit and dream about Trey.
Hi.
Okay, here's the deal.
You wait here, l'll go back home,
send my extremely normal
twin sister back.
-l think you're going to like her.
-TREY: Really?
Right, Lilly?
Yeah, it's true.
All the cute, none of the kooky.
One sec.
There. Now l'm as kooky as you feel.
-l'm Trey.
-l'm Miley.
l'm Lilly.
And l'm leaving.
l'm not actually leaving-leaving.
l just want him to think
l'm leaving-leaving,
so he doesn't think l'm watching,
which l will be,
-but he won't know because...
-Go!
You were saying?
Listen, l was wondering
if you'd go out with me tonight.
-Tonight?
-Yeah.
-Tonight's going to be...
-Perfect. For you to go out.
Because l, your best friend,
will be busy at a charity putt-putt golf
tournament filling in for another friend,
a blonde one, who sings...
(EXCLAlMS)
Too much information.
Thank you.
-So, tonight?
-Yes!
Sorry, your moment.
What she said.
Cool, l'll have a car come pick you up
and you can meet us at the restaurant.
Us? What,
are you bringing your parents?
Actually, yes.
Melon-headed hottie say what?
Ma, you were right. l should've hired
a housekeeper years ago.
This place is cleaner than Uncle Earl
the time he chased that rolling quarter
through the car wash.
Yeah. Lord, yeah, she's just about
cleaned the entire house.
All she has left to do is Jackson's room.
(WOMAN SCREAMS)
l gotta go, Ma.
l have never seen anything
so disgusting in my whole life.
And l've watched my toothless husband
eat corn on the cob.
Now, l know
the boy's a little messy, but...
Messy? l'd say he lived like a pig,
but that would be an insult to pigs!
l quit!
How about if l double your salary?
l was bitten by a sock.
Let me at least get the door for you.
Hey! You must be
the new cleaning lady.
l'm Jackson.
You must be so very proud.
l don't know
what her problem was, Dad.
There's a place for everything
and everything's in its place.
Then what is a hot dog
doing in your shoe?
lt's a foot-long. Foot. Shoe. Get it?
l'll tell you what l get.
You're going to clean up
this trash heap.
And you can start
by picking up these clothes
and putting them in the closet
where they belong.
No, Dad, l wouldn't do that.
(EXCLAlMS)
That's it! We're cleaning this room out!
And stop tickling my foot, boy!
l'm way over here.
(BOTH SCREAM)
Lilly, darling, don't l look smashing?
Miley, darling,
what are my other choices?
Okay, look, l'm meeting Trey's parents!
They're like billionaires.
l've got to make sure they like me.
So if that means looking like this
and talking funny, then,
''William, Jeanette, it's divine
to meet you. Kiss, kiss. Kiss, kiss.''
Hello, ladies.
Miley, what the Sam heck
are you doing dressed like that?
l'm going on a date.
Wow, if you don't like the guy,
why don't you just tell him?
(BOTH MOCKlNG)
Works for me.
-Really?
-Yeah.
At least l know the fellow
will keep his hands off of you.
See?
Lilly, l have never felt this way
about a guy before. l really like him.
And if his parents don't like me,
then that could ruin everything.
What am l supposed to do?
Okay, he already likes you
just the way you are.
l'm sure his parents will too.
Maybe you're right.
l mean, Trey is really awesome,
how bad can his parents be?
Hey, l'm Miley Stewart.
Nice to meet y'all.
What an adorable little accent.
Son, you never mentioned
she's a genuine country bumpkin!
l've never met a bumpkin.
Wait till l tell the girls at the club.
You're kidding me, right?
Darling, please, don't just stand there.
Have a seat.
Or should l say, ''Sit a spell''?
-Okay, listen...
-We'll be right back.
Trey, take your time.
We'll be ''a-waitin'.''
(BOTH LAUGH)
-l know, l know, they're a little...
-Rude? Mean? Horrible?
-Why didn't you warn me?
-Because you wouldn't have come.
And l wouldn't have
been able to do this.
Oh, boy.
Please, don't let them scare you off.
l really like you.
Well, lucky for you, l don't scare easy.
Mr. and Mrs. Harris?
l have something to say.
l am Miley Stewart,
and l am not just some regular hillbilly.
(COUNTRY MUSlC RlNGTONE)
(CHUCKLES)
(SPEAKlNG FRENCH)
Hello.
Hannah, you have
to get down here pronto.
Your friend, Lola, is ruining my party.
Hey, Orlando! Great butt.
Putt! Great putt!
Wait, come back!
This is the most hideous evening
anyone could ever have.
Wanna bet?
Look at me, darling, l'm country.
Thank you.
Miley.
Refreshing, light, lemony.
They're called finger bowls, dear.
lt's for ''warshing up'' between courses.
(BOTH LAUGH)
-''Warshing up''?
-l'm sorry.
Well, if the soup is half as good,
this ought to be quite a meal.
(MOCKlNG LAUGHTER)
Mmm.
lnteresting. What is it?
They... They call it sweetbreads.
Doesn't taste like bread.
That's because it's cow pancreas.
(COUGHS)
And it's yummy.
Trey, l forgot to mention,
next week, we're taking the private jet
to London for a gala with the Queen.
Perhaps your little friend
would like to come.
Have you ever been on a plane, dear?
Yes, ma'am, l have.
l'm sorry.
l meant one that doesn't spray crops.
All right, Mother, that's enough.
You're darn tootin' that's enough!
Not only have l been on a jet,
l have already met the Queen.
ln fact, l sang The Other Side of Me
for her and her granddaughter.
-Really?
-Really?
Really?
Who wants dessert?
Oh, no, l'd much rather hear about
how you sang for the Queen.
Well, it wasn't just me,
it was my school.
ln London.
Where l went to school.
ln London.
-Which school?
-Hogwarts.
Miley, where are you going with this?
l'll tell you when l get there.
Why were you living in London?
My daddy worked there as a...
Diplomat?
Okay.
Diplomat! Very impressive.
We'd love to meet him.
Well, we will most definitely
have to do that
in the very near or distant future.
Oh, no, there's no time like the present,
my dear, let's go right now.
-Now?
-Now.
Unless you have a problem with that?
No!
No problem at all.
l've just got to go powder my nose.
Very shiny.
You know what l mean, girl.
(PHONE DlALlNG)
Daddy, my date's parents
want to come and meet you.
-Now.
-Now?
Yeah, and they're kind of snobby,
so if you could, you know,
clean up around the house,
fluff the pillows, flush the toilets,
pick the hair out of the soap,
that kind of thing.
Okay. Well, it's going
to take a little more than that.
Dad, one more thing, l kind of
almost blew the Hannah secret,
so l'm gonna have to ask you
one more teeny-tiny little favor.
We're home!
Welcome to Stewart Manor!
Har har!
Sweet niblets.
Father, Brother, meet the Harrises.
Please, call me William.
Jolly good!
And l'm Jeanette.
Good show!
l'm Trey.
-Jolly good show!
-Jolly good show!
That's odd. They speak with
an English accent and you don't.
Yes. They do.
And there is a very simple explanation
for that. Right, Father?
Of course. Tell them, Jackson!
She had a nanny!
From Nashville!
Who made her watch reruns
of The Beverly Hillbillies.
On the telly!
Now that was a jolly good show!
Okay, this has been lovely!
Thanks for the ride home!
Don't be silly, we just arrived.
Let's all get to know each other!
Oh, capital idea!
You come with me, young thing!
Har har!
(EXCLAlMS)
-Remember how you said you like me?
-Yeah.
-Hold on to that.
-Right.
So there we are, Prince William
on my left, Prince Harry on my right,
and the fox just in front of us.
Well, l crept right up to that
magnificent animal and l said,
''Hey, foxy momma,
can l buy you a soda?''
Well, she said yes.
And once again, the two young princes
had to admit that l was the king!
Har har!
Oh, really, this is too much.
What kind of fools do you think we are?
This is why l don't get second dates.
Can't you see it, Trey?
They're fortune hunters!
What did you just call us?
A bunch of backwoods,
banjo-strumming, hillbilly gold-diggers.
Now, listen here, Bub.
And you, too, Mrs. Bub.
Dad, let it go.
l made this mess, let me clean it up.
lt's nice knowing you.
l want y'all to get your snooty booties
out of our house!
Excuse me?
No. l have been excusing you all night,
and l'm done with it.
Okay, sure, my daddy's no diplomat,
but he's not
a banjo-strumming hillbilly either.
He's a guitar-strumming hillbilly,
and l'm proud of him!
And my brother!
Let me just tell you, my brother...
What are you going to do?
Can't pick your family.
Gee, thanks, sis. l'm feeling the love.
So if y'all can't accept me
and where l come from,
don't let the door hit you
where the good Lord split you.
Bye-bye.
Jolly good show, darlin'.
Jeanette, Trey, we're leaving!
You know what? No, no, you're leaving.
l'm staying, if that's all right with you.
-Half an hour?
-l'll drive you home.
l just got to go out to the barn
and hitch up that there team of mules.
(SPlTS)
-This is not the way we raised you.
-l'm disappointed in you, son.
The feeling's mutual.
You know the sprinklers
just went on out front.
You guys might want to go
out the back.
l'd cram myself through a mail slot
to get out of this place.
The sprinklers go on in the morning.
Wait for it.
(BOTH EXCLAlM)
Jeanette, let go of my leg!
l'm not touching your leg!
(BOTH SCREAM)
Now, that is a jolly good show.
BOTH: Har har!
So you actually eat these things
with your hands?
lt's the only way.
l love this!
You know,
l think the boy's got promise.
Yeah, you should try grunting. lt's fun.
(GRUNTS)
-You don't have to do that.
-l'm not gonna.
(COUNTRY MUSlC RlNGTONE)
Oh, no, it's Traci.
l wonder what Lilly did now.
Hello?
Orlando! You don't understand.
We're meant for each other!
You can't run away from destiny!
You so owe me.
(SCREAMS)
Uncle Earl.
Or Aunt Pearl.
What do you think, son?
Wow. Put on an apron
and a pair of combat boots
and you could be her twin.
You're right. l think l'll go with Earl.
Daddy, l think you need
to take the canyon.
The highway is jammed.
And how do l know that?
Because l have streaming live traffic
on my new O-Phone.
''Tomorrow's technology,
today, today, today.''
l know, l know.
Man, l wish l had the O-Phone
instead of this stupid Slim Flip.
''Oh, look at me. l'm slim and l flip,
l'm slim and l flip, l'm slim and l flip.''
Oh, man.
MAN ON TV: Do you want
the O-Phone?
-Oh, yes, l do!
-Oh, no, you don't.
Not when you can have
the new Z-Phone.
With high-def display
and digi-dynamic sound,
it makes the O-Phone old news.
(EXCLAlMS)
-Daddy, you saw that commercial.
-Yes, l did. Very nice graphics.
Dad, the Z-Phone's not just a phone.
lt's full of dynamic digi stuff.
l have to have it!
Now, that's what you said
when you begged me for the O-Phone.
-l was a child then.
-lt was last month.
But l've grown!
l have new phone needs!
Tell him, Lola.
Why? So l can hear you brag
about your new-new phone?
MAN: Give it up for Hannah Montana!
-Help me out and you get this one.
-Oh, boy!
Shame on you
for buying her this dinosaur.
l am disappointed in you, mister!
Somehow l'll go on.
I would like to dedicate this concert
to my daddy.
A dad as cool as the new Z-Phone!
How awesome are they?
(AUDlENCE CHEERS)
Hold that thought.
Did l mention it comes with GPS?
(EXCLAlMS)
Did l mention l ain't getting it?
(MOCKlNG)
(GRUNTS)
(SINGING) Come on!
You get the limo out front
Hottest styles, every shoe
every color
Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
It's really you
but no one ever discovers
Who would have thought
that a girl like me
Would double as a superstar?
You get the best of both worlds
Chill it out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show
You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together
And you know that
it's the best of both worlds
(LAUGHlNG)
(AUDlENCE CHEERlNG)
Thank you, Long Beach!
Darling, it's a phone, not a kidney.
You can live without it.
But... But, Daddy...
Hannah!
Loved your shout-out to the Z-Phone.
l just can't live without it.
You don't say.
Honey, did l ever tell you
that when l was a kid,
l had a one-eyed carrier pigeon
who just flew around in circles?
Kept bringing me my own note back.
l survived it.
Hannah, your daddy's so funny
when he goes all Pony Express.
Well, l'm glad l can amuse you.
Now l just got to get out back there
and saddle up the old limo.
Stop it!
So, what's your Z-Code
so we can Z-Chat and Z-Text?
-Mine's still in zee box.
-Yeah, in zee store.
l'm having it Hannah-fied.
Like yours, but more. lf that's possible.
-l can't wait to see it.
-That makes two of us.
(BEEPlNG)
l'm getting a Z-Minder.
Traci, time to leave
for Amanda Bynes's beach barbecue
to benefit baby belugas.
l'm just so grateful to live in a world
where people like us
can have phones like this.
l know.
-Ciao.
-Ciao.
Why did you say you have that phone?
Simple. l have the lQ of a peanut.
As soon as she finds out
that l don't have that phone,
she's gonna tell everybody.
(lMlTATlNG TRACl)
''Beyonc, did you hear?
Hannah doesn't have the Z-Phone!''
l'll be a joke!
l want that phone, l want that phone,
l want that phone!
(CAMERA CLlCKS)
Ooh! Hannah has a hissy!
Thanks, kid.
Can't you people
ever give me a break?
Sorry, kid! This picture's gonna pay
for my new Z-Phone!
l cannot believe this.
l made myself look like a total idiot,
all because of that phone.
l'm on the front page!
Don't l look so cute when l'm scared?
lf you don't get over yourself
in about three seconds,
you're gonna look absolutely adorable!
-Three seconds? That's it?
-Take it or leave it.
-Fine.
-Go!
Look at my hair! Look at my eyes!
Look at my outfit!
-l'm a star, l'm a star, l'm a star!
-Time!
Okay, l'm good.
(CELL PHONE RlNGS)
lt's Traci calling on her new Z-Phone.
You know what?
l'm just gonna tell her the truth.
lt can't be any more humiliating
than this picture.
Listen, Traci, about the Z-Phone...
l call firsties.
Did you hear the dish on Dakota?
She doesn't have the Z-Phone
because her daddy won't let her.
lsn't that positively medieval?
Yeah. lmagine having a father like that.
l know!
(EXCLAlMS)
Svetlana, you're massaging my neck,
not wringing out a mop!
Anyway, promise you won't tell anyone.
Because you don't want me
to embarrass her?
Of course not. That's my job.
Ciao.
(EXCLAlMS)
Well, it must feel good
to get that off your chest.
You know, life is a lot easier
with a sense of humor.
Life is also a whole lot easier
with that phone!
You know, it's funny. Just last week
you actually did have the money,
but you spent it all on those shoes
and that purse and that Miley necklace.
Remember what l said
about a sense of humor.
This is so unfair.
Some sleazy, disgusting paparazzi
gets a humiliating picture of Hannah,
and suddenly he has the phone l want.
Yeah, l know.
lf only we were sleazy and disgusting,
we could take a picture of you
and sell it.
What?
How you doing, Sleazy?
l'm Disgusting.
Hey, Dad, wish me luck.
l'm off to a shirts-and-skins
volleyball game.
And, lucky for the ladies, l'm skins.
You got your wallet?
Yeah.
Now.
ROBBY: How about your sunglasses?
Yes.
Now.
-And did you remember to put on...
-Underwear! Of course! l'm not an idiot!
l was gonna say sunscreen, but l'm
glad to hear about the underwear.
Come on, Dad. Do you really think you
need to remind me about sunscreen?
l live in LA,
l go to the beach every day...
So you forgot.
l'll put it on when l get there!
Stop treating me like a child. Gosh!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Jackson, is that you?
Uh-huh.
How'd the volleyball go?
What can l say, Dad?
l was on fire out there.
That's my boy.
Now go shower up. We got us
some Tennessee football to watch!
l think l'm just gonna go take a nap.
Nap? Stewart men don't nap
when there's football on!
That's what golf is for!
Okay, l'll be right down.
(EXCLAlMlNG SOFTLY)
-Hello?
-Hello?
Perfect. No one's in here.
Okay, we can do this.
l'll call it Hannah, Before the Glamour.
-Take the picture already!
-l don't know. lt looks too posed.
That's 'cause it is posed!
See, that's the problem.
We need to make it
look more spontaneous,
like you were taken by surprise.
We need to make it...
Hey, Mile, do you know
what this thing does?
l think l got a pretty good idea!
-Hey, that could work.
-You think?
MAN ON TV:
And Tennessee football is on the air!
Son, get your butt down here!
lt's kickoff time!
Hoo-yah!
(WEAKLY) Hoo-yah.
l personally love the look,
but l think you need to put
a little more boo-yah in your hoo-yah!
Boo-yah!
(WlNClNG)
l love it! lt's embarrassing,
humiliating, demeaning!
-l know. She looks like a complete idiot!
-He gets it.
Congratulations, you just knocked
''Double-Jointed Vampire
Bites His Own Butt''
right off the front page.
Look at you.
The future of sleaze journalism.
l'll be right back
with your blood money.
Man, l hope this Z-Phone is worth it.
lt is! And trust me, there's been
a lot worse pictures of Hannah.
l don't know. This one's pretty goofy.
l mean, your hair in curlers
and your eyes bugging out,
and your Miley necklace
flopping all over the place.
Future of sleaze journalism say what?
Oh, my gosh.
As soon as they blow up this picture,
they blow up my secret!
How could you have missed this?
Me? You're the one
who bought that stupid necklace.
lf you had gotten your name
on a refrigerator magnet like l did,
we wouldn't have this problem.
Here's your money, kids.
Thanks to you, in two days,
that picture's gonna be
on every newsstand in the country.
Yeah, about that.
See, we're starting to feel
(STAMMERlNG)
a little uncomfortable
with the situation...
Ah, first-timer's guilt.
You'll get over that
once you start spending that money.
Hey, have you seen
those new Z-Phones? lncredible.
Yeah, l'm more of a letter writer.
Anyway, l really need that picture back.
You know what l need back?
The hair l had in 1 980!
lt's on my back now.
(BOTH EXCLAlM lN DlSGUST)
Life is cruel, get over it. Now get out!
(PHONE RlNGS)
Talk!
-What are we gonna do?
-l don't know!
l don't want excuses!
The Rock's in town for his new movie.
He's staying at The Plaza,
and l need a picture that makes him
want to crawl under a rock.
And then a regular photo.
My son's a fan.
We can get you a picture of The Rock.
-l'm listening.
-So am l.
l will trade you
one humiliating picture of Hannah
for an even more humiliating picture
of The Rock.
Kid, if you can get me a picture of one
of the world's most popular movie stars
looking more ridiculous than
your picture of Hannah Montana,
you got a deal.
-Easy peasy lemon sleazy.
-Oh, boy.
Come on.
MAN ON TV: He breaks a tackle!
He could go all the way!
Touchdown!
Time for another
Tennessee Touchdown Stomp.
Again?
(BOTH CHANTlNG)
BOTH: Hoo-yah! Hoo-yah!
Hoo-yah!
Yeah!
Son, what is the matter with you?
l'm just a little stiff
from the volleyball game.
Well, sit up here and let me give you
a good, hard, Robby Ray rubdown!
No! No, no, no, Dad, really.
l'm all right!
Don't be silly. What you need
is a good old-fashioned
deep-tissue massage
from hands strengthened
by years of steel guitar playing.
-All right, here l come.
-(WHlSPERS) Here he comes.
-Get ready.
-Okay.
-Almost there.
-Almost there.
Okay! Okay! All right! l admit it!
l'm burned! l forgot the sunscreen!
No!
Wait a minute.
When did you figure it out?
(MOCKlNG) Ow! Ow! Ow!
l heard you halfway up the beach, son.
Luckily, l know just how to fix it.
So how are you feeling?
The milk starting to take the sting out?
Yeah, actually it is. How much longer
do l have to stay in here?
Mamaw said a couple of hours,
but don't worry,
l brought you a little snack.
Come on, Rock.
lt's time for your just desserts.
(SNlCKERlNG)
Are you sure?
Good choice.
l could've stuck with weddings
and bar mitzvahs, but no,
l had to go for glamour.
-That's it, l'm out of here.
-Lilly, no!
What? l don't look good
in strawberry-cream pie!
And l am not gonna look good with
that big old honking Miley necklace
on the cover of that rag.
Now, suck it up, we're going in.
-Can l help you?
-Actually, we are here to help you.
We are your complimentary mani-pedi,
hair and facial specialists,
Mr... Uh...
The Rock.
The Rock.
(GlGGLES)
Little bit of an airhead,
but she's the Picasso
of pimple-popping.
lsn't that right, Lillian?
That's right. No muss, no fuss, no pus.
That's me.
And l don't like pie.
Well, listen, ladies,
l really appreciate it,
but l don't have time for this, so sorry.
(EXCLAlMS)
Good gracious, look at those cuticles.
Oh!
You do not know
how close you came to a hangnail,
my little box-office sensation.
Well, l am gonna see
my mom a little later,
so l guess a quick buff wouldn't hurt.
-Maybe even a little clear coat.
-Now we're talking!
Now, we will take care of everything,
so just relax, close your little eyes,
and make sure you keep them closed
until the treatment's done.
Early opening could be hazardous
to your health.
And ours.
-Promise?
-l promise.
Pinky swear?
That's a pinky?
ROCK:
This feels like more than a clear coat.
Remember, it's got to look natural.
Trust me, they look perfect.
Why are you still putting stuff
on my lips?
l'm trying to save them.
They're dryer than the Sahara Desert
in the summer.
-Lillian.
-Yeah, and blot.
Mmm.
Well, that tastes good. What is that?
ls that strawberry?
Uh-huh.
And now,
for a relaxing earlobe massage.
Oh!
You might feel a slight pressure.
That's normal.
You do not know how much tension
builds up in those lobes, honey.
That's working. That's it.
-Yeah.
-That's the one.
-MlLEY: And now for the best part.
-Great.
A Himalayan temple massage.
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Rocky likey.
(CHUCKLES)
(MOANS)
(ROCK SlGHS)
What are you...
What are you putting on my head?
Nothing. lt's just a hair follicle
extenuator thing.
-Well, what does it do?
-You'll see.
Okay, and open your eyes
in three, two, one.
Run!
Hey! What... Oh, my...
Hey, can't you people
just ever give me a break?
Run, run!
l can't go out there. Look at me.
l look like Grandma Rock.
-Come on, Miley. Run!
-l can't do it.
Left, right, left, right.
lt's just like walking, but faster!
No.
l can't sell this picture.
l've been on the other side
of the camera.
l know what it feels like.
lf l don't give him a break,
how can l expect anyone
to give me one?
But what about your secret?
l'd rather have everyone know
l was Hannah Montana
than know l was just as slimy
as those paparazzi.
ROCK: l'm not decent!
lt's us.
You're not getting the earrings back.
Actually, l just wanted to say
this was wrong and sorry.
And for the record,
l knew it was wrong the whole time.
Okay.
-Why'd you do it?
-Long story.
You can explain it
while you're de-clawing me.
So all this started
just because you wanted a Z-Phone?
Yeah. l guess l just got so caught up
in having the next new thing.
You know, Miley, there's always
gonna be something new
coming around the corner.
Hey, that's what my mom says.
Uh, not that you remind me of my mom.
You know, except for the nails,
because these are her nails.
Here's your picture back.
l really am sorry.
Come on, Lilly. Let's go.
But, Miley, without the Rock picture,
how are we gonna get
the Hannah picture back?
Guess we're not.
ls there some kind of problem?
Yeah, but it's my problem.
l've bothered you enough.
-Well, hold on, maybe l can help.
-Really?
Well, sure,
you did the right thing by me.
And that was the best facial
l've ever had.
l mean, look at me. Am l not glowing?
Well, in that case,
maybe there is something you can do.
Thanks for finally giving me
my picture back.
Well, after l thought about it,
l figured it was the right thing to do.
Good choice.
Hey, Jackson.
You can probably get out now.
JACKSON:
That's okay. l'm kind of enjoying it.
Aren't you getting lonesome out there?
JACKSON:
Actually, l made some new friends.
Slow down, Tiger,
you're gonna get a tummy ache.
Sure hope nobody's lactose intolerant.
And, Boots, you're making a mess.
What are you, a dog?
(CAT MEOWS)
Sorry.
(EXCLAlMS)
-Dahliano, l...
-(EXCLAlMlNG) Don't speak.
-But l...
-No, no, no, don't speak.
Now you may speak.
Honey, this outfit deserves
more than speaking.
lt deserves the Hannah Happy Dance.
(SINGING) I love my outfit
I love my outfit
She loves her outfit
She loves her outfit
I am a genius
I am a genius
(LAUGHS)
So, where will we be wearing us?
The Oscars, the Emmys,
the Grammys?
The Sunshine Girls. l'm being honored
as their Role Model of the Year!
Why not just take these pins
and jam them into my flesh?
There'll be a ton of rich moms
asking who l'm wearing.
And that is why, as you can see,
you are my favorite pop star.
lSlS: Dahli! Hello, Dahli!
lt's lsis!
Move it, pop princess.
The queen has arrived.
lsis! l love her!
Immaterial Girl was my theme song
when l was six!
She's my idol!
l hog-called Impress Yourself
at the Buford County fair
and won second prize!
What won first?
Uncle Earl belching
Sweet Home Alabama.
Good story. But stop talking and
help me make this room presentable.
Better.
Hey!
Sweetness, you're adorable,
but you look like
Raggedy Ann threw up all over you.
Darling, l'm here!
Oh, my. lt's you.
lt's me? lt's you!
Yes, it is, but it's also you.
l think you're fabulous.
You think l'm fabulous?
l think you're fabulous!
-Thank you.
-Thank me? Thank you!
l grow tired of this.
So, what bit of brilliance
is my little Dahli creating for you?
This. What do you think?
(GASPS)
l love it!
-Can we have a moment?
-Of course.
Darling, do you mind?
l am so glad that you like my outfit.
Darling, l also like seaweed wraps,
but l don't wear them in public.
l mean, look at that thing.
lt's so Hannah Montana.
That's because l am Hannah Montana.
You... You didn't think
l was someone else, did you?
You want to know
how l survived all these years?
Change! Constant change.
New looks, new sound.
You have to know what's next
and do it first, because...
(SINGING) If you don't change
Do a rearrange
Everyone will go
''She's boring.''
-They will?
-Yes!
lf you want to stay on top,
you have to think outside the box.
l always have a next, a next-next,
and this morning, during yoga,
l got a glimpse of my next-next-next.
And Antonio Banderas with his leg
behind his head! Wowza!
So, you already
have your next-next-next?
l don't even know
what l'm having for dinner tonight.
ln that case, it was a nice little career.
Nothing to be ashamed of.
l wasn't. Until now.
Oh. You're still here?
Hey, Hannah?
Dahliano says we have to go.
What do you want to do next?
l don't know.
(SCREAMS)
(SINGING) Come on!
You get the limo out front
Hottest styles, every shoe
every color
Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
It's really you
but no one ever discovers
Who would have thought
that a girl like me
Would double as a superstar?
You get the best of both worlds
Chill it out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show
You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together
And you know that
it's the best of both worlds
(LAUGHlNG)
(FARTS)
Hey, how are you?
lt's such a nice day,
let's go out on the deck and enjoy it.
What do you say?
How can l enjoy the day?
Look at my outfit.
What are you talking about?
lt's classic Hannah Montana.
That's a terrible thing to say!
Of course it is. l hate it. Help me, Lilly.
Well, l would,
but l think l stepped in something.
(SPEAKlNG lNCOHERENTLY)
What?
She met lsis today, who told her
Hannah's career's in trouble.
Honey, now, why would
Hannah's career be in trouble?
(SPEAKlNG lNCOHERENTLY)
Because if she doesn't have
a next-next, she's going to lose her
pants?
-Fans! Fans!
-Fans! Fans!
She thinks if she doesn't change
her sound and her look,
her fans will get bored.
Darling, that's not going to happen.
(REPEATlNG ROBBY
BY lMlTATlNG HANNAH)
l can hear him!
You know how much
your audience loves you.
Now. But what about a year from now?
lsis has been on top for 20 years
because she always mixes it up.
Shoot, honey, l know a lot of pop stars
who never mixed it up
and they still have great careers today.
Like who?
Who wants pie?
l'll have pie!
(SCREAMS)
l'm so excited about going out with you
this weekend, Becky.
You won't be sorry
for giving me a second chance.
(EXCLAlMS)
Or a third chance?
You know what?
You're cute when you're clumsy.
And you're cute
when your nose is bleeding.
Here, let me clean that up for you.
Get out while you can.
He brings everyone down to his level.
Well, l guess
l'll see you Saturday night.
And Thursday and Friday night
from your bushes.
-Go away!
-You go away.
-You go away.
-You go away.
You guys are so funny.
You're like two sisters, but you're boys.
You mean like brothers?
Right. Whatever.
l'm confused.
They say opposites attract,
yet you're both stupid.
l'm going to let you get away with that
because l'm a nice guy
and because l need an advance
on my salary for my date.
-Sure.
-Aw, come on!
What?
As a matter of fact, consider it a gift.
Okay, what's the catch?
No catch.
There is, however, a condition.
For the rest of today,
every time
someone says the word ''dog,''
you have to...
(BARKS)
Hot dog over here.
Can we get seven dogs?
(BARKlNG)
Yeah, Rico, l'm barking.
l'm barking all the way to the bank!
Hey, tomorrow,
maybe l can moo for moola.
Let's just see where barking takes us.
-What do you want, honey?
-l'll have a hot dog.
(BARKS)
What did you say to her?
Nothing.
Just get her the hot dog.
(BARKS)
You calling my girlfriend a dog?
(BARKS)
That's it, you're dog meat!
(lMlTATES DOG YlPPlNG)
(SlGHS) A new sound,
that can't be too hard to come up with.
Hey! Hey, what about hip-hop?
Dude, that'd be totally cool.
l don't know.
You mean like Half-dolla Hannah?
(BEATBOXlNG)
(SINGING) I'm a Half-dolla Hannah
You can call me five dimes
You can call me anything
As long as it rhymes
And if you don't like it
Well, I don't really care
'Cause I'm Half-dolla Hannah
And I got facial hair
Word
(lMlTATES RECORD SCRATCHlNG)
'Fraid not.
Well, what about something
a little more retro?
You know, like techno-Hannah.
Techno-Hannah?
(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Clip it, clip it
Clip it real good
Then chip it, chip it
Like Tiger Woods
(CRASHlNG)
(CAT MEOWS ANGRlLY)
(GROANS)
(GROANS)
That one could hurt people.
l don't understand.
This seems so easy for lsis.
l mean, she can go
from slam rock to glam rock,
from punk to funk.
That's why she's the queen of pop,
and if l don't do something...
You'll be the queen of flop?
Sorry. lt was right there.
l will not be the queen of flop.
lf lsis can do a 1 80 every few years,
so can l.
Wait a minute. That's it!
Of course that's it!
What's it?
l just have to be the opposite
of Hannah. The anti-Hannah.
Of course, the anti-Hannah!
What's the anti-Hannah?
You'll see.
(SINGING) Well, I used to be a nice girl
Always doing what I'm told
And I'm here to tell you, baby
That it's getting kind of old
Say goodbye to all the sparkles
And all the pretty girly lace
I'm gonna chew your little heart up
And then I'll spit it in your face
So, what do you think
of the new Hannah?
(EXCLAlMS HAPPlLY)
-l know. Surprising, isn't it?
-Yeah.
-And different, right?
-Surprisingly different.
Exactly what l was going for.
A Hannah no one will expect!
(EXCLAlMS HAPPlLY)
Or ever wants to see again.
At all.
Maybe. l'm just guessing.
All right, l know it's a bit edgy for me,
but that's what lsis says l've got to do.
Surprise my audience.
Well, honey, let's think about this now.
Surprising them is one thing,
but scaring the bejeebees out of them
is another.
Hey, Daddy, l hate to say this,
but you're not exactly the hip audience
l'm trying to reach.
l'll have you know l'm very hip.
Fo'sizzle.
Okay, one, it's fo'shizzle.
Four years ago.
And second,
your idea of a big Saturday night
is sitting on the couch
with your easy-fit jeans unbuttoned
watching
Law & Order: Old Coot Division.
Well, l'm sorry l'm such a geezer,
but it didn't seem to bother anybody
when l was writing 1 5 straight
number ones for Hannah Montana,
none of which involved
a face full of sputum.
-Sputum?
-l think it's old-coot for ''spit.''
Y'all like the next Hannah, right?
(BOTH STAMMERlNG)
One second.
(BOTH MURMURlNG)
We hate her.
-Why?
-She scares us.
-What do you guys know?
-Maybe they know what's good.
Please, they wouldn't know
what good is if it hit them in the face.
Hey, leave us out of
your little disputum.
-Nice wordplay.
-Thank you.
Well, at least we know the title
of Hannah's next album.
Like Me or I'll Hit You in the Face.
Come on. You guys are all
just trying to keep me in a
box.
And an artist has to keep moving.
And if you don't agree with me,
l don't care!
Miley, l'm sorry,
but this is a really bad idea.
A bad, scary idea.
Honey, l don't wanna tell you
what to do, but just...
Then don't!
l know what l am doing and
l am gonna prove it to you tomorrow.
The next Hannah is going to blow the
roof off of the Sunshine Girls Benefit.
Sweet niblets.
l'm going to have to buy myself
a truckload of Sunshine Girl cookies
to get myself out of this one.
Well, that was the best day ever.
Here you go, Rover.
Who's a good boy?
What is wrong with you?
Couldn't you find something better
to do with your day?
You know, the next time you're bored,
why don't you go hang out
with your friends or something?
Wait a minute.
You don't have any friends, do you?
Hey, l got plenty of friends. There's...
No, he's suing me.
Okay, but... But there's...
No, l'm suing him.
l'm really good friends
with my brother, Mateo.
Well, we will be
if he ever agrees to settle out of court.
You know, Rico,
maybe if you were just nice to people
instead of making them
dance like a monkey,
people would actually
want to hang out with you.
-Wait.
-What?
You're right.
l shouldn't have made you do all that.
lt's just making friends isn't something
l'm good at.
Well, gee, l wonder why.
l think it's because
the world is full of idiots.
My mom says it's my attitude.
ldiot.
Look, Rico, did you ever think that
maybe if you treated me a little better,
l'd be your friend?
Well, l was hoping
for a higher-class friend, but...
Rico.
Right. You'll really be my friend?
No catch?
Or condition.
So, you want to go back to my house
and pay my brother
to dance like a monkey?
Rico.
Fine.
-Want to go see a movie?
-Sure.
Hey, you want me
to wrap you up like a baby,
so you can get in for free?
Jackson, this could be
the beginning of a beautiful friendship.
Nobody understands.
An artist has to grow.
DOLL: Whee doggies!
Howdy, I'm Robby Ray. Let's kick it.
Yeah, we'll kick it, all right.
Anti-Hannah style.
Yeah, you're gonna see
tomorrow, buddy. You just...
l'm talking to a doll.
Yeah.
The new Hannah's going to sleep,
and she ain't going to brush her teeth
because l'm bad to the bone.
l'm bad to the bone.
l'm so excited,
and l know you all are, too,
so let's give a warm Sunshine welcome
to the Sunshine Girls'
Role Model of the Year,
Miss Hannah Montana!
(SOFT PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)
(PUNK MUSIC PLAYING)
(SINGING) Well, I used to be a nice girl
Always doing what I'm told
And I'm here to tell you, baby
That it's getting kind of old
So say goodbye to all the sparkles
And all the pretty girly lace
I'm gonna chew your little heart up
And then I'll spit it in your face
I don't trust nobody
Parents, teachers or the schools
Gonna do just what I want to
Gonna break down all the rules
Gonna break down all the rules now
Gonna break down all the rules
I'm gonna break down
all the rules now
Gonna stick it to those fools
(EX CLAIMING)
Stop! Stop. Wait, wait, wait, you guys!
lt's just a song!
Stop! Stop it. lt's just a song.
l didn't mean it!
Stop! Put your parents down!
Wait, wait, wait.
Remember the old Hannah?
(SINGING) You're a true friend
You're here till the end
Sing with me.
(EXCLAlMlNG MUFFLED)
Guys! Guys, seriously, stop!
Someone is going to get hurt!
(EXCLAlMlNG)
Daddy, help me!
l'm a little tied up right now.
Great song, though! Great song!
Yo, Tarzana! Put me down!
Not like that!
(PANTlNG)
What's going on?
-You okay?
-Yeah, it was just a bad dream.
What were you going to do,
raccoon them to smithereens?
l just grabbed
what was on the nightstand.
You have an angry raccoon
on your nightstand?
Honey, Buster's also a light.
l just got him yesterday.
l don't know how people decorated
before the lnternet.
l don't know what's scarier, my dream
or the fact that you paid for that thing.
Well, l'll tell you the truth, honey,
if you want to talk about it,
if you're still mad at me,
Buster's a heck of a listener.
You were right.
l don't want to be
a hard-edged Hannah.
That's not the kind of message
l want to send to my fans.
But what about
keeping your audience interested?
There's got to be a way
to keep them interested and still be me.
Sure, lsis can change who she is
all the time,
but l like who l am,
and l'm not going to change
just to hold on to an audience
that hasn't even left me yet.
Well, as long as you're true to yourself,
your fans will always be there.
l hope you're right.
Now, go ahead,
tell me how wrong l was. Bring it on.
l'd love to, but the truth is,
l was the one that was wrong.
Raccoon-swinging daddy say what?
Yeah, as an artist, you've got
to have the freedom to explore.
l wasn't giving you that.
Aw. Thanks, Daddy.
How am l ever going to become
an angry, misunderstood teenager
with a daddy like you?
l heard shouting! What's going on?
Why does everyone
have a light-up critter but me?
No, Dave doesn't light up.
He's a pencil sharpener.
You just lift his tail and...
l don't need to see that.
l never grow tired of you.
Dahli!
Hannah!
Darling, what are you doing here?
l just came by
to cancel my new Hannah look.
l won't be needing the torn fishnets,
the combat boots or the bullwhip.
On second thought,
send me that bullwhip.
l could use that on my brother.
Yes, yes, of course. Well, bye-bye.
Oh!
l see. lsis is here.
Oops.
Little slow on the draw there, partner.
lSlS: Dahliano, l love my new look!
Ooh. Awkward.
This is your next-next?
Well, it seems to work for you.
Yo, Dahli, on second thought,
give me that bullwhip now.
Yeah, that's right, honey,
you'd better back off.
(EXCLAlMS)
(AUDlENCE APPLAUDlNG)
Next up for auction, we have a round of
golf with the hilarious Ray Romano!
(WHlSTLlNG)
Who's Ray Romano?
He's the star of
Everybody Loves Raymond.
What's that?
You know, the guy with the big nose,
never does what his wife tells him.
On TV for nine years.
Nope. Never heard of it.
(LAUGHlNG)
Ray, why don't you stand up?
Show everybody
what they're bidding for.
(SCATTERED APPLAUSE)
Oh. Come on, everyone.
Look, l know he's not as cute as l am,
but, hey, he won a couple Emmys.
Three!
Stop it, Ray.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Hey, kid, you know who l am, right?
Sure. You're Ray Romano.
Whoever that is.
Wow, this is sad. l'll bid $1 2.
(SNEEZES)
(LlLLY GROANS)
$1 1 !
Sold!
Wait, wait,
don't l get like a ''going once''?
Fine. Once, twice, sold. Happy?
Okay, up next, we have a dinner with
teen pop sensation, Hannah Montana.
(ALL CHEERlNG)
(WHlSTLlNG)
$5,000.
-$6,000.
-MAN: $ 7,000.
All right, why don't you all come up
and just punch me in the face?
$ 7,000, going once...
You know, l got to admit,
l was kind of nervous
l was gonna get stuck with some jerk.
Going twice...
RlCO: $1 0,000!
-ls that...
-lt couldn't be.
Sweet niblets!
Hiya, toots, wear something yummy.
But no heels.
l don't want to climb too high.
$1 0,000, going once...
-Guys, do something.
-l spent all my money on Roy.
Ray! Ray!
You know what?
Don't worry about it. Here.
(SNEEZES)
Here's $1 00.
Why don't you golf with
Snotty McBoogerhead?
$1 0,000, going twice...
$1 5,000!
Sold!
(SINGING) Come on!
You get the limo out front
Hottest styles, every shoe every color
Yeah, when you're famous
it can be kind of fun
It's really you
but no one ever discovers
Who would have thought
that a girl like me
Would double as a superstar?
You get the best of both worlds
Chill it out, take it slow
Then you rock out the show
You get the best of both worlds
Mix it all together
And you know that
it's the best of both worlds
(LAUGHlNG)
l cannot believe it's Johnny.
l haven't seen him in, like, two years.
Hey, Miley. How's it going?
(STUTTERS)
Pretty good, just getting some ketchup
for my veggie burger.
l see you like mayonnaise.
l've never tried that on a veggie burger,
and maybe l should,
but not today because l've already got
-the ketchup thing going...
-Miley! Miley!
You know,
what a lot of people don't know is,
it's also a wonderful moisturizer.
Mmm-hmm.
(TlTTERlNG) Here. lsn't that lovely?
(LAUGHlNG) Moisturizer.
You're pretty funny.
My hand does feel softer.
$1 5,000, going once...
$1 6,000!
Seventeen!
Take mama home, baby.
Take mama home!
Remember how much
he liked Hannah?
lf he wins, this could be the start
of something beautiful.
(SlNGlNG) If we were a movie
You'd be the right guy
And I'd be the best friend
That you'd fall in love with
In the end we'd be laughing
Watching the sunset
RICO: $ 18,000!
Ha!
$1 8,000 to the little man
with the big wallet.
-How do we stop him?
-l got your back.
So what if Rico wins?
How bad could it be?
(SlGHS)
RlCO: (SlNGlNG) If we were a movie
You'd be my main squeeze
And I'd be the big hunk
That you'd fall in love with
$1 9,000!
(SCREAMS)
Nineteen, going once...
-Going twice...
-Wrap it up, baby. Wrap it up.
-Sold!
-Hallelujah!
(PANTlNG) $20,000!
(CHUCKLlNG) Sorry, kid.
There's always next year.
Unless Hannah Montana wants to raise
double the money
and turn this into a dinner for three.
Donny without Marie say what?
You know,
it would be great for the beaches.
-lt's okay with me.
-Let's hear it for Hannah Montana!
(ALL CHEERlNG)
(EXCLAlMlNG JUBlLANTLY)
Hey, Roxy.
(JACKSON YELLS)
l'm sorry, baby boy.
What are you doing here?
(GROANlNG) Bleeding internally.
What's going on down here?
You two are supposed
to be at the Dodger game.
Why aren't you at the Dodger game?
-lt's too hot.
-Too hot?
What kind of wimpy example
are you setting for your son?
Now, get moving.
Throw on a hat and some sunscreen,
and maybe stick
one of those frozen lemonades
down the back of your pants.
lt'll be fun!
Now hold on there, Danica Patrick.
What's got your engines all revved up?
Yeah, and when did you and Dad
go to Niagara Falls?
Oh. That. Yeah. That's a funny story.
Yeah, l'll tell you that
after the baseball game. Bye.
Well, great. Then that will give you
a chance to explain
when l wore this hula skirt
and this coconut bra,
because l sure as heck
don't remember it.
l'm sorry.
Maybe l sort of told
somebody that, well,
l live here and l'm married to you.
-What?
-What?
My high school reunion is this week,
and Clarice Johnson
is going to be there.
-Who?
-Who?
Okay, will you stop doing that?
lt's very irritating.
Well, so is finding out
that we're now man and wife!
Yeah, start talking, Mom.
l spent my entire childhood
tortured by Clarice Johnson.
She was prettier, more popular,
more everything.
And l will not have her
thinking that l am single
and living in an apartment
with a goldfish named Denzel.
But you are.
No, that's not true.
l had to flush Denzel.
Now l have a doggie named Diddy.
And you expected us to just
go along with this?
No, l didn't. l expected you
to be at the Dodger game.
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
(SHEEPlSHLY) When she came over.
Look, l'm sorry. l didn't mean to put you
in this awkward position.
l don't know what l was thinking.
Roxy Roker!
(MlMlCKlNG HANNlBAL LECTER)
Hello, Clarice.
(GASPS)
You must be Jackson and Robby.
You know, l gotta tell you,
l thought you made the whole thing up.
You know something?
Nobody, and l mean nobody,
in our entire class
ever expected that Roxy
would ever find a man.
ln fact, she was voted
''most likely to die alone.''
Look, when you walk into that reunion
with that man on your arm,
everybody who ever thought
you were a man,
they're gonna owe you an apology.
Listen, about that, l got to...
Hey, no need to apologize.
Check out this picture of me
and my foxy Roxy
cliff diving in Acapulco.
That's my man!
(LAUGHlNG)
Hey, chipmunk cheeks,
which one of these colognes do you
think will drive Hannah Montana crazy?
Just be yourself. That should do it.
You're right.
How can l do any better than
my own Ric-aroma?
(SNlFFS)
Oh, yes. She will be mine.
Unbelievable, l finally get
a date with Johnny,
and now Rico is gonna ruin everything.
(SNEEZES)
Thanks for getting me sick, Lilly.
(BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY)
My pleasure.
(LlLLY AND OLlVER SNEEZE)
Ew!
Guys, come on!
The last thing l need is to get sick
and miss the date with Johnny.
That's it!
(BOTH SNEEZE)
Save the snot, guys. l got plans for it.
Get away from me. You're sick.
No, it's just allergies.
Sorry.
Can you throw this away for me?
Back off, booger boy!
(EXHALlNG) Hey, handsome.
How's it going?
Get away from me!
l've got a big date on Saturday,
and nobody is going to ruin it.
(RlCO GASPS)
Curse this Ric-aroma!
You owe me!
(LlLLY SCREAMS)
(THUDS)
That ought to get her done.
Hey, can we get some nachos?
(SNORTS)
No problem.
(SNEEZES)
On second thought, never mind.
Operation Rico Sicko complete-o.
l can't get the Rico taste off my mouth.
l'm gonna have to boil my lips.
Excuse me, can l get a bigger spoon?
That's Hannah Montana.
l know. She's my date.
Yeah, right.
-Hi.
-Hi.
(TlTTERlNG) Hi.
You said that already.
l don't care. l think it's cute.
You think that's cute,
say hello to drop dead gorgeous.
(SNEEZES)
MlLEY: Ew!
So, l heard you went to school
in Arizona. How was that?
Not bad. l played a lot of basketball.
You know, it was so hot,
it was hard to get my head in the game.
My ears are stuffed.
What'd you say?
Head in the game. Head in the game.
-You know, get my head in the game.
-l get it.
Now, make yourself useful,
poodle dude.
l want a picture of my first date
with my future wife.
(RlCO SlGHS)
Smile pretty.
This could be our first Christmas card.
Yeah. ''Happy Holidays.
Love, beauty and the beast.''
You so get me.
(RlCO GROWLS)
(SNEEZES)
You know, if you're not feeling well,
you could always go home and rest.
Good idea. Let's go, love bunny.
You can have my salad.
l'm taking the main course to go.
Slow down, little Romeo.
We're all on this date together.
lf you don't feel good,
you could go home
and we could have dinner another time.
You know a year, two, the afterlife.
l'm very flexible.
Forget it.
Fine.
-We'll just... We'll just try to ignore him.
-Okay.
(RlCO GRUNTlNG)
How would you like
your shrimp prepared?
Hacked into tiny little pieces.
Hands off the fancy cheese.
l raised you better than this.
You didn't raise me at all.
Don't sass your mama, boy.
Roxy, you're not my ''mama!''
l'm sorry.
lt's just that the reunion is tonight,
and Clarice and...
(CAR DOOR SLAMS)
They're here!
Ow!
Robby Ray Stewart, you take your feet
off my nice coffee table.
(DOORBELL RlNGS)
Yes, dear.
Clarice!
Roxy, this is my husband, Edward.
Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you, Eddie.
And this is my man, Robby Ray.
Now, l know what you're thinking,
l drilled for good-looking
and hit a gusher.
Yeow!
-What a beautiful view you have.
-Thank you.
Cost us a boatload,
but my Robby-cakes
just loves to spoil me.
Ah, the things we do for our ladies.
You have no idea, Eddie.
Hey, Mom, have you seen
my college-level physics books, Mom?
l didn't know we had company, Mom.
Edward, this is my stepson, Jackson.
We have a son about your age.
He's a genius with a violin.
My Jackson is a genius, too.
On the piano.
-l am?
-He is?
Of course he is.
He's a real bad mamma jamma.
Yeah.
We'd love to hear you play something.
-No, you wouldn't.
-No, you wouldn't.
(UPBEAT PIANO PIECE PLAYING)
(CD SKlPPlNG)
l like to add a little hip-hop flair.
Yeah, he gets that from me.
(PLAYING FINALE)
(MUSlC STOPS)
(SlGHlNG) We're very proud.
Jazz hands.
(GROANS)
(BURPS)
(BOTH GROAN lN DlSGUST)
Seriously, maybe you should go home.
Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you,
you walking pom-pom?
Hey, Rico, are you not feeling good?
That's too bad because
this food is really good. See?
Oh, no. Oh, no!
Hannah! Come on,
he's driving me crazy, too,
but the poor kid is sick.
And he's ruining our date.
Don't you see?
He's not mean because he's sick.
He's mean because he's evil!
How do you know he's evil?
You just met him.
l can read people. lt's a gift.
See, you're hot and he's...
(HlSSlNG)
(SCREAMS)
Yes! l should have thought of that
an hour ago.
l paid 20 grand for this?
That's it. l'm out of here.
Wait, Johnny.
Johnny, where are you going?
As far away from you as l can get.
l thought you'd be cool
and down-to-earth, like your songs.
Nobody's Perfect. You ain't even close.
Johnny! Come back!
Way to get rid of the third wheel.
Ew!
(CLARlCE EXCLAlMS)
Oh, look, Robby Ray,
can you believe that that's the girl
you fell in love with?
l still can't believe it.
Every day with this beautiful woman
feels like the first.
l know exactly what you mean, Edward.
Look. Roberta Franklin.
You know, l hear she's still single,
packing groceries in a supermarket.
Mmm, mmm, mmm.
She'll probably never show up
this evening.
Well, you don't know.
l mean, she may not be a millionaire
with a gorgeous husband,
but she may be perfectly happy
with her life.
Oh, please, how could anybody
be happy with a life like that?
lt's possible.
l mean, you can get through a lot
if you're surrounded by people
who love you.
Well, l can tell you one thing,
if l see her tonight,
l'm not speaking to her.
l will. ln fact, l'll sit with her.
lt turns out l have more in common
with her than l do with you.
What's gotten into you?
Pride.
Pride in myself and who l really am.
Now l'm gonna say something
l should've said
the minute that you came in here.
-What?
-Get out of my house!
Go on, get!
Way to go, Clarice.
This is why we don't have any friends.
Don't worry.
l'll tell her the truth at the reunion.
lf l even speak to her.
And thanks, Robby.
Thank you for everything.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, honeymoon's over.
Just one more second, snuggle-puss.
l am so glad l'm done with that flu.
Yeah, the only thing good about getting
sick is you feel so great when it's over.
(MlLEY SNEEZES)
(NASALLY) lf l live that long.
l feel awful.
-Poor Miley.
-Poor both of me.
Johnny barely noticed Miley
and now he hates
Hannah.
This might not make you feel better,
but sometimes things happen
for a reason.
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be
with you and Johnny.
Yeah. You're right.
That didn't make me feel any better.
You know, Miley, it's true.
l mean, if l've learned anything
in my past with the ladies, it's...
Don't wear your
''l'm a chick magnet'' T-shirt?
That was one time, Lilly.
Anyways, l was gonna say,
if the universe doesn't want you
and Johnny together,
-there's nothing you can do about it.
-Yeah.
Ooh! And if the universe wants
to change its mind, then...
-How do l look?
-A little green.
lt's a cute green.
lt's a really cute green.
Miley? Miley Stewart?
Hi.
l haven't seen you in, like, two years.
-You look great.
-Thanks. So do you.
l heard you had a date
with Hannah Montana.
Yeah, what a disaster that was.
Sorry, that's too bad.
She wasn't for me anyway.
l like girls who are more down-to-earth.
Kind of like l remember you were.
Really?
-Yeah, really.
-l...
(RETCHlNG)
And the universe has spoken.
(MlLEY RETCHlNG)
And it had shrimp last night.
(CLEARS THROAT)
(PLAYING CLASSICAL PIANO)
Who you trying to kid, boy?
That's right, Daddy. l'm deep.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
l just wanted you to love me.
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