Sit!
So, what now?
As they used to say, the war for you, my friend, is over,
Cigarette?
No,
[gunshot]
[JOHNNIE NARRATES]: There was Sander Lars Hansen,and there was me, I'm Johnnie Allen,
More about Sander later, I'm an American, born in Tacoma, Washington, who just
got a job with, get this, the C,I,A, Yeah, that C,I,A,
I've been posted to the tiny little kingdom of Denmark and it's my first day here,
I'm no stranger to small countries, by the way,
My idiot parents raised me from the time I was a baby in a religious cult
in a failed South American stronghold,
I never saw the good ol' U-S-of-A until I was 14, Talk about culture shock!
Add to that my funny accent from Curaao, and you can imagine
my high school social standing, Not fun!
Not only do I work for the C,I,A,, but I'm gay, And they don't like it when you're gay and work there,
Which I never understood! Because if you ever want to know
everything about anything, just ask your local gay guy,
And if my bible-thumping mother ever found out, she'd hate me and just tell me to burn in hell,
So, we'll keep that on the down-low,
[radio plays]
Sorry?
Oh, you're closed?
-Yeah, we're closed, -Oh, sorry,
I'm sorry, I don't speak Danish,
English, of course, Welcome to The Grand, How can I help you?
I just need a room for one night,
Just one single room for only you?
That's right, Just me,
Reservation?
No,,,
And your name, please?
Johnnie Allen,
Would you please spell it for me?
Yeah, It's J-o-h-n-n-i-e, A-l-l-e-n,
[phone alarm]
Looks like I made it, I'm in Denmark,
[Johnnie narrates]: Walking the cobblestone streets of this beautiful Danish town
led me through places that looked like they were taken from Disney World,
It's weird to see a building that was erected about the same time
that the Pilgrims landed at Plymouth rock,
It's even stranger to see a McDonald's in a building that's older than that!
The world turned out to be a little bigger than I expected, And I felt lost,
I've never been as lonely, either,
I can count on one finger the times I've had a one-night stand,
But I guess some things cross all language barriers, And "gay need" spoke the loudest,
Not my best moment, Especially the morning after,
Sorry, I don't actually speak any Danish yet,
Oh, that's not a problem, Then we'll do some English,
Please have a seat, So, You need a flat, yes?
Yeah! Someone at the hotel told me about you,
Oh! It's my daughter's friend, I knew you were coming!
So, I handle a very nice place, not far from here,
And the woman who runs the place takes great care of everyone,
[phone rings] One moment, please,
When you get to the place, just ask for Emma,
Emma?
Yeah?
Sorry, do you speak English?
Uh,,, Emma said she knows who you are because Maria's mom already called her,
She wanna know when you wants to move in, Are you moving in?
Oh, yeah, I'm from America and I'm going to school here--
--Don't they have schools in America?
Anyway, Would you let her know that I would like to move in,
and I would like to take the place as soon as I can,
Yeah,
Yes! Today!
[Hungover Emil throws up]
[Johnnie narrates]: My new flat was not only furnished, courtesy of Emma's basement,
but it came complete with friends my age who didn't mind helping me move in,
Even Emil, who was still nursing a hangover, supervised from my couch,
And then there was Emma, who was more grandmother than landlord,
I never imagined that my first place on my own would be on the other side of the world,
Or that where I would wind up would change my life forever, The fact is, I was home,
[knock on the door]
Just a minute!
[music plays from Emma's apartment]
[Johnnie narrates]: So, my new friends are inviting me to a welcoming party: for me!
Dang! I was totally floored! Since Saturday was less than a week away,
and I didn't want to come to the party empty-handed, it was time for a beer and soda run,
And my first experience with my new neighbor, Bent Gundersen, manager
of Boop's Boutique Supermarket, I say "manager" but that's up for debate!
Hey! Whoa! Johnnie Allen! You must like beer!
We have the A,A, over here too, Just like in your States!
Screw you, Bent!
Is all for the party on Saturday?
Yeah, Thought I'd help, At least with some of it,
Oh!
Never had a party thrown for me before, you know?
No, no, no, no!
We pay it, for your party!
Uhm, what if I pay for it and you just bring it? How about that?
Hmmm,,, yeah! Yo! It's good, But,,, shhh,,, alright?
Of course, So, uhm, how much?
Hmmm,,, Two-thousand kroner, please, It's a Bent Gundersen discount,
Okay,
[gentle travelling music]
[phone chirps]
John, Right?
It's Johnnie, actually, Ms, Stupelmann,
Johnnie, You can call me Marge, We'll get along just famously, I'm sure,
Sounds good,
We have lots for you to do, But first, I wanna know you a little bit better,
Yeah, Sure,
You're queer,
I've never run a queer before, Would that be a problem?
What?
Now you're deaf? Relax, already, Why do you think we picked you?
We picked you because you're queer,
Can you stop that, please?!
What?
I hate that word!
What? Deaf?
No! Queer! I hate it!
Should I be all antiseptic? And call you a "practicing homosexual?"
So, what, I'm fired now, right?! I'm 21, I can be a queer if I want to be!
So, kill me! I'm just here to do the job!
That's the problem with our kind! We're always so damned dramatic!
What? Wait--
--You don't think I'd waste all this classic charm and beauty
on some guy who grunts and ickkk!
Wow! You're a trip, lady!
Yeah, yeah, yeah, There's "official,"
And then there's official, if you know what I mean,
[Johnnie narrates]: I knew exactly what she meant!
There's nothing more undercover than a closeted gay guy, But I guess I'd passed the test,
Because Marge called Langley and put me on the duty roster,
Now all I had to do was go home and wait for my first assignment,
[loud knock on the door]
[Emil]: This is the police! Come out, American! You're surrounded!
Shut up! Come in, asshole,
So,,, What are we having?
Eggs and bacon, And toast and jelly,
I bet it's gooood!
It's so good! You won't believe how good it is!
Yeah? It looks like it,
So, How do you like your eggs?
I don't know, Cook them, Maybe like yours,
Alright! One Emil Special coming right up!
You know, this is really good food you make,
Thanks!
Anyone ever say that to you?
I cook all the time for my little brother and sister, They love it when I do,
I see why, You miss your family?
I do,
Well, We'll be your family, You'll even be sick of us, Just like the real ones,
And you're already big news around here, My brother told his mates
about the party, and all is good people here, You'll like us,
Yeah, I've never felt so welcome before,
And listen to this! Bent bought six cases of beer for your party!
Six cases! We couldn't believe him when he told us,
Because he's so cheap, We call him Uncle Joakim,
Who's Uncle Joakim?
Oh, yeah, You guys call him Scrooge McDuck, You know, Donald Duck's uncle?
What's tight with the money?
Me and Elizabeth will go to the party when she get back from her job,
Who's Elizabeth?
That's my girl!
Elizabeth, he says! Of course, he's not gay, I always zero in on the
straight cases that I can never have, Story of my gay-ass life!
[heated argument]: Okay, you are crazy!
This is-this is not me! This is your brother, who comes here in his Mercedes,
two, three times a day! And he takes your money! Not me!
This is the last time! Next time you are on my list of shit!
Accuse me one more time, and you will be on my bigger list of shit!
Aaaggghhh! I'm watching you!
You see?! That's the problem you make me! This will be paid on money I paid you!
Oh, yeah, because that is my fault too!
Ass!
[tire screeches]
[party music in background]
Hey! Johnnie! Johnnie!
Johnnie Americani! Take a beer man! It's on me!
Hey, hey! Everybody! Everybody! Johnnie speaked Danish!
[friends laugh]
Not really,
[party music dissolves to a sweet piano theme]
[party music resumes]
[partygoers laugh at Sander]
Hi, You're a little wet, Is it raining orange soda pop outside?
I think Bent's right, You're nuts, Emil! Bring me a Sprite or a 7-up!
Fuck you!
You ever want breakfast again?
We gotta get that orange stuff out of your shirt or it will never go away,
No hot dogs tonight?
What?
The grill kiosk, No hot dogs, I saw you there before,
Well, I quit them, So that means no more hot dogs ever again,
That's why I said, "No more of this anymore!" And I disappeared, Into the air!
You speak English,
I do a bit, yeah,
Cool,
What's your name?
Fuck you still, Johnnie,
Do you mind?
No! Yeah! Do that man, thank you,
Guess you'll take it from here,
Okay, We don't want people to talk shit about us, right?
Yeah, Don't take no shit, Sander,
Thanks for the help, Johnnie Allen,
You know my name,
Yeah, Everybody here does,
You know, I wasn't planning to come here tonight, But there was going
to be an American guy here,
That's you!
Anyway, I'm car-ous about this American,
I think you mean curious, And I am a curiosity,
I'm glad to meet you,
Me too,
[party music fades out]
[song on stereo]
Well I hope that I don't fall in love with you,
'Cuz falling in love just makes me blue,
Well I turn around and look at you,
and you look back at me
I search the place for your lost face,,,
Guess I'll have another round,
And I think that I just fell in love with you,
I met a guy last night at the party,
I'm such a big fat fag, And clearly, he's not,
I mean he's cute, But, that doesn't even matter,
His spirit, Man, his spirit is just so--
[knock on the door]
Hey!
Oh! There it is! Now my mom won't kill me,
Oh, sorry! Come on in, Sander,
Thank you, Johnnie Allen, Oh, it's a nice place you have here,
Emma called her,
I know, So, my mom said I should come here and, uh,
get this sexy scarf so I wouldn't be too cold,
Well, here it is,
Thank you,
So, do you want a Coke?
No, that's-that's okay, I mean, you must have a lot of things to do, right?
No, Not really, I'm just waiting to start work,
What is your job?
I drive people places,
Like a taxi?
Yeah,
You liking Denmark, then?
Yeah, Very much, actually,
I could see myself staying here for a long time, maybe,
We do got some nice people here,
And we do also got some pretty sexy ladies who would love to be with an American guy,
Especially with yellow hair,
I'm not really looking for a girl, I have too much to do, So--
--Of course, I mean, I said you were a busy guy,
I bet you have a dozen girlfriends,
I-I'm sorry, A doz?
Oh, sorry, it means 12, The number 12,
Ah, 12, yeah! Uh, no way, man, I'm uhm, I'm not having one of those,
You know, I have a sister so that's bad enough,
Okay,
Oh, I'm sorry! You want a Coke?
Not with your spit on it!
[gentle guitar music]
Johnnie: So, you wanna go do something?
Sander: Like what?
Johnnie: I don't know, Show me something,
Sander: Okay, I know something to see, It's the best ever,
And I think maybe you will like it very much,
Johnnie: So, show me!
[song]
Let us be lovers, we'll marry our fortunes together,
I've got some real estate here in my bag!
It took me four days to hitchhike from Saginaw,
I've gone to look for America,
Laughing on the bus
Playing games with the faces,
She said the man in the gaberdine suit was a spy,
I said be careful, his bowtie is really a camera,
Skoal!
He got you pretty good, man!
Yeah!
So, yeah, now you, now you met my little brother,
Yeah, You wait, kid, I'll return the favor!
This, we'll see,
He kicked your ass!
Yeah!
Anyway, it was fun, We need more days like these!
Yeah! You were right, Sander, It was awesome,
Yeah, I know,
Jannik is a pretty good shot for an opera singer, by the way,
An opera singer? Wow!
You are staying in Denmark,
I think I might,
No, I'm saying it, I'm not asking it,
Oh, really? You some kind of psychic?
I'm very smart, you see,,, And I know things, And this I know,
[Bent, drunken]: This is no! Yes?! Very good!
Yeah,,, don't,,, don't listen to him, He's a Hansen,
He's not quite right up here yet,
Don't listen to him, Johnnie, It's what he says when he knows he's wrong,
But you're a pretty good shot yourself, you know,
Thanks, I've tried a couple times before,
It shows,
You sucked,
What?
-Yeah, you did, And it,,, -I didn't suck!
Yeah, you did, And you know it's kind of embarrassing that your little brother is better than you,
Yeah!
He shot you, too!
Yeah, well, he shot me,,, I shot you,,,
That makes him better than you,
No, it doesn't, That's,,,that's some bullshit logic!
It's perfect logic, you know?
Do all you guys think? ,,,
I think everybody agrees on that,
Well, okay, Screw you guys!
You've got some other talents,,, You know how to walk,
Alright! See you guys! Have fun,
Yeah!
Okay, I'll get you next time,
-See you, Johnnie Allen, -Bye!
[sound from television]: Ever since Yuri Gagarin made his flight, every boy
in Soviet Union want to go where he had gone, And we were no different,
Well, that was a good show, I think,
Yeah, Awesome,
I think I will go home now, But, uh,,, What are you doing this weekend?
You know my job?
Yeah,
I got my first assignment, so tomorrow I'll leave for Copenhagen
and stay the night until I start working,
When are you getting home?
Monday, Tuesday at the latest,
See you then,
Okay,
[gentle piano music]
[Johnnie narrates]: I can imagine his lips on mine and the feeling of his breath against my neck,
I can admire his body and dream of holding him and caressing him,
But I can keep myself in check, I've been building trust,
And damned if I'm gonna ruin it because of my infatuation,
Okay, It's more than infatuation,
I'm so fucked,
[Johnnie narrates]: Travel days are always exciting for me,
Plus, it's the official start of my C,I,A, job,
"Johnnie Allen! Gay Spy for the C,I,A,! Boo yah!"
And when I got to the station, guess who was waiting for me?
None other than Sander Lars Hansen! Who had the bright idea to go to
Copenhagen with me and hang out until my job started,
Who am I to argue with a bright idea?
What if I said that you couldn't go with me?
I would probably push you in front of the train when it came,
Ohhh,,, you gangsta!
[traveling music]
I know that we truly are friends,,, That I can trust him,
And that's the pickle, I know I can trust this beautiful man, but can he trust me?
I know he has no fucking idea of how I feel for him,
With Sander, I'm not gonna make that mistake, He means too much to me,
Okay, I got an idea, But you maybe think it's crazy, I think,
No,
Okay, then,
What?
You said no, Who were you talking to?
What I meant was,,, No, I don't think it'll be crazy, Tell me!
And, uhm, I was just on the phone,
Yeah, I know you were on the phone, I was asking you who you were talking to,
Oh! Uhm,,, It was just some,,,
Dude! I'm fucking with you, Come! I show you my idea!
[song] ["Motherland"] Where in hell do you go?
Far from the things that you know,
Faceless, nameless, innocent, blameless and free, What's that like to be?
So, will you tell me where we're going?
We're going to see the queen,
What?
I'm not joking, We're going to her house now, And maybe she invites us for coffee and cakes,
Idiot,
Yeah, you will see, Johnnie Allen, You will see,
I don't think he's going to be invited to the queen's palace anytime soon,
Nah, He's too drunk,
Maybe he can drink with Margrethe,
You're such a sweetheart,
Come, Johnnie, Margrethe awaits!
[palace clock strikes two]
Oh, there they are, You see them?
No, Where,
Can you hear them? Listen,
Yeah, I hear them,
Okay can you see them now?
No,
Dude, you have to look there,
Fucking hell! That scared me, man! They look mean!
So, what now? What are they gonna do, anyway?
Just see what happens when, uh,,, When I make the noise,
And what the guard mans will do, It's very militair,,,
Dude, they have guns,,, Big guns,
They won't shoot,
And now we run!
[song "Motherland" continues]: Oh, motherland! Cradle me, Keep me safe, lie with me,,,
Stay beside me, Don't go, Don't you go,,,
Fun, right?! We are now royals!
You're crazy! You're a frickin' loon!
And you're Johnnie, King of Denmark! And I am Crown Prince Sander of Odense!
Frickin' loon!
The guard men just prove it when they're saluting us!
You should be king, since you're Danish,
But you're so much smarter, And you look better,
Say that again, I missed that part,
You are smarter,
No, the other part,
And you look better, You do! Big strong American dude!
Are you kidding me? You're the best-looking person I've ever met!
You are such a fag, You know that, right?
Shut up!
Whoa! It's a nice place, man,
Oh, there's just one bed, I was supposed to be here by myself, uhm,,,
It's plenty big,
I can sleep on the couch, dude, I don't mind,
No, man, you can sleep on the bed, It's fine with me if it's fine with you,
[Johnnie narrates]: What? Sleep in the same bed with Sander Lars Hansen?
It's a dream come true!
But then he asked me something that took me totally by surprise,,,
And all I wanted was to say yes!
I want to go with you on your job trip, I know it's not possible, but,,,
You asked me what I wanted, and then I told you,
I really wish you could go,
Me too, Are you angry with me now?
Hell no! Absolutely not!
Good, I was worried you would think I was too pushy to even joke about it,
It's all good, Sander,
Sov godt! That means don't snore or wet the bed,
I'll do my best,
Thank you!
[Royal Life Guards Band] Queen Margrethe II March
[phone pings]
Well, this is it, Time to find out what my first job is,
[Johnnie narrates]: There's a moment that you recognize
when you know you're about to jump without a bungee cord,
Yes, I trusted him, And yes, I knew what I was about
to do was a crime far worse than losing an exciting career, But there it is,
Is it good? Johnnie!
Are you happy for the job? What does it say?
Look, I do get a car so, I won't have to walk,
Okay, okay!
[Johnnie narrates]: I made my decision, Wrong or right, And the time had come to lay it all out,
Alright, Sander, I know this is stupid, But I'm gonna do it anyway,
You are a real spy? Like in James Bond?
No, It's nothing like that,
You got a big enemy like in James Bond?
Dude! It's nothing like that! Cool it!
I'm not James friggin' Bond,
No, you're Johnnie Bond,
I don't know if I understand everything about this,,,
But I'm pretty sure your job is different than making hot dogs for Pavel the Czech,
Yeah, It is different than that,
I like that I'm going with you on this job,
But I really hope there's no trouble,,,
Johnnie Bond!
Stop! Besides, we're just two guys going on a road trip,
What could go wrong?
Is that it?
Yep, I think that's the one,
[Sander laughs]
Whoa! Dude! Fuck me, man!
Okay, I never thought I would fell in love with a German before, But,,,
Dude! I love this German!
It ain't a Skoda, that's for sure, I'm afraid to touch it!
Not me! Open it! Daddy needs a new set of wheels!
Ahhh!
Do you know how much time in Danish prison for grand theft auto these days?
I don't know, but whatever it is, it will be worth it,
Do you think they will miss it if we don't bring it back?
Test drive?
Gentlemen! Start up your motors!
That's the stuff!
[pleasant driving music]
If this is what your job is like I wanna be a spy, too,
I'm not a spy, you knucklehead, How many times I gotta say it?
Whatever, I would clean a pub toilet with my dick to have a car like this one,
Ewww!
Oh, like you wouldn't,
Ah, well,
Exactly! You're just as disgusting as I am,
I'm hungry!
Look what I got for you,
A tacky tree, just like home,
Shuddup,
Oh, you like it, You like it,
[phone conversation--Johnnie's grandfather answers] Grampy: Hello,
Johnnie: Hi, Grampy! It's me! Everything's good!
Grampy: [chuckles] You think I don't know when things ain't good, Stomper?
I known you longer than that, Spill it, kid,
Johnnie: Ah, Grampy,,, I don't know,
Grampy: The beans, Now, Spill'em,
Johnnie: I met a guy and I like him a lot, In fact, I love him, Grampy,
Grampy: Did you tell him that?
Johnnie: No, Because I don't think he's,,, I mean, I know he's not gay,
His name is Sander, And I fell for him like a rock the second I laid eyes on him,
It's so dang easy for straight people because,,,
Grampy, I'm afraid I might lose him as a friend if he doesn't like gay people,
Grampy: You ain't defined by who you sleep with, Stomper, He'll like ya,
And if'n he don't? Well, he ain't nobody you wanna be around anyways,
Johnnie: I love you, Grampy,
Grampy: I love ya, kid, And don't you ever forget it,
Johnnie: Bye!
Grampy: Adios,
[Johnnie narrates]: I'm boarding an ocean liner in a hundred-thousand-dollar car,
sitting next to the most awesome human being that I know,
So that I can do a job that way overpays me,
We'll soon meet with the contact, and then it's bon voyage for Johnnie and Sander,
Damn, I'm a lucky bastard!
Where do we go?
South Jylland, To pick up the guy we're driving to Belgium,
He should just take the bus,
Then you and me can drive real fast and have a good time,
My boss might have something to say about that,
She will have to catch us first!
[muffled disco music from ship's bar] [people laughing in bar]
Alright, let's hit the sack,
Yep!
I think it's ABBA,
What makes you think that? I think it's a bad cover band,
Ah yeah, But the beat,,, It goes with the Mamma Mia song, Listen,
You're right, You some kind of disco queen or something?
Nah, You can fit any dance song to those beats, It's just like with hip-hop,
Dude! You're doing it perfect to the music!
I know! I'm a slave to the rhythm,
Good night,
Good night,
[Sander sings]
[Johnnie]: For fuck's sake!
[C,I,A, call center]: Echo-Sierra-Whisky, duty officer, How may I assist you?
Mango Transport Primary, report:
Code Five Five Kilo Oscar, Follow-Kilo Hotel India; end report,
[C,I,A, call center]: Mango Transport Primary, copy that, Thank you, Good day, sir,
You're just this big spymaster, who wants his martini shaken, not stirred,
That's why I say, you, man,,, You're Johnnie Bond!
Bonehead!
So, are we doing more spy stuff?
Spy stuff?
Yeah, you know,,, Secret agent things,
You were looking at your Marge pack, What does it say?
Oh, let's see!
It says for Sander Lars Hansen to mind his own business!
I could tell you what it says, but then I'd have to use my ninja skills
and beat you into next week,
Oh, yeah, You Americans are so violent,
-What can I say? It's the video games, -Ah!
Can you at least say why we're standing here like coat racks?
We're making an exchange,
What?
No! Not my lovely German? Why?
Speaking of the devil, There he comes,
Okay, is that our new car?
I think I have to cheat on my first German and go with this one,
It's a BMW, Guess my American bosses don't buy American,
Can you blame them?
It's a BMW!
Wait here a minute,
Here's the key, It's the blue Mercedes just up the road,
Okay!
Where do we get the man we're supposed to find?
[Johnnie laughs]
Why are you laughing?
We're picking him up at a church, And that's not the funniest part,
What is the funniest part?
Are you fucking kidding me?
Johnnie: Behave yourself,
[church organ music plays]
Excuse me, Do you happen to know if there are any good shows in the town?
I am not from around here, I wouldn't know,
We're not in Warsaw anymore?
Schackenborg, I believe they call it,
Let's go,
We'll be stopping at a safe house in a couple hours to get a shower and some sleep,
We're also picking up an assistant there who'll ride the rest of the way with us,
I'm Petrenko, I'm very relieved that you're here,
Things don't always go as planned, no?
But we're off to a good start,
Yeah, we are,
Tell me,,, Sorry, what shall I call you?
Name's John,
Yes, John, Tell me, will there be any food available at the safe house?
That I don't know, But I can pick something up on the way that we can bring with us,
Yes, That would be very, very appreciated, Anything will do,
Be right back,
No trouble at all, Take your time,
[Kolya places phone call]
Hello, my friend, All is according to plan, That bastard's dead,
No, the driver has no idea at all, He believes I'm Petrenko,,,
Mango, No, their Operation Mango is dead, Finished, I promise that,
Yeah, we're just leaving Denmark, We're in Germany in a few minutes,
I understand, He won't like the winters in Murmansk,
Or maybe he can join that fuck, Petrenko, instead, Huh?
[Johnnie: I can't guarantee how good it is, but at least it's hot,
Thank you, John,
I got us chicken, Figured we couldn't go wrong with that,
Excellent, my friend! We got this party started in a good way, huh?
Knock knock! How'd you do?
Hurry! We need to talk private! Very important!
First, I've got to piss!
We got trouble, Johnnie! And this is bad! This is really bad!
Dude, you're scaring me, What happened?
The man we're driving is not the man you were supposed to meet,
-What? -He's a bad man, Johnnie,
I heard him on the phone when you were in the food place,
And do you know who he called?
No, He spoke in English,
He said his man got the man you were meant to drive to Belgien,
And he promised that,,, I can't remember exactly what he said, but he's a bad man!
Man, if you weren't in the trunk,
Should we call someone? Maybe the police?
I don't know! I mean, they kidnapped the guy you were meant to drive to Belgien!
We have to figure this out, We can't get it wrong,
Are we still driving tomorrow?
[Johnnie dials the car phone]
Marge: Mike-Alpha-Sierra 7-2-6,
Marge? Juliet-Papa-Alpha, 4-null-null,
Package and delivery are compromised, Level alpha-one, I say again--
Marge: What do you know?!
Don't forget to make a big deal out of carrying his bag when he comes out,
[phone rings]
You're right on time,
Marge: Like a Swiss train,
Marge: Here's the fact, I got a pic from the station chief in Warsaw,
Marge: Is this the guy?
That's him,
Marge: You're absolutely sure?
No doubt,
Marge: Then we got a bigger problem,
What?
Marge: The chief is the only person I talked to,
Marge: He's also the real assett's handler,
Marge: But he's also the one who sent me the wrong picture,
Marge: Johnnie! That's not our guy!
So, it's got to be the station chief who's behind it,
Marge: Yep, I'm afraid for our guy,
Marge: Their little game won't work, I can promise--
--Sorry! He's walking to the car!
[radio news announcer]
[radio news announcer] ",,,Terrorist plot thwarted in Haifa, Israel,,,
English footballer caught with his pants down,,,
The International Monetary Fund will lose billions in Greek default,,,
And gay marriage is universal in all E,U, nations,,,
This is the BBC world service,"
[gentle music plays on radio] Kolya: Will you listen to that shit?
I don't know why anybody tries anymore,
Fucking butt fuckers, getting married like normal people!
That's one thing the Soviet Union was good for,
They would at least disappear those pieces of shit
and send them off to Siberia where they could
fuck each other in a snowy gulag!
They won't be getting married in Russia anytime soon, that's for sure!
Can we take a stop to go to the toilet? I think we all could use a break right now,
[song - "Only You" - plays on radio] ,,,And all I ever knew? Only you,
Sometimes when I think of your name when it's only a game, And I need you,
Listen to the words that you say, It's getting harder to stay, When I see you,,,
How will this end?
I don't know exactly, But my boss said she put everything in place,
My guess is, we'll get there and they'll have agents waiting to take him to his new apartment,
Oh yeah, The ones with the locks and the bars,
Maybe they make him wash the floors and the toilets,
With his toothbrush!
You know what, Johnnie?
I know that things don't look so good for you and your job right now, but,,,
I just want to let you know that,,,
This has been one big adventure for me,
You're right, I probably will lose my job,
I might have to ask Pavel the Czech for a new one at your old hot dog place,
Dude!
You don't mess with the hat!
There he comes, Let's go,
Constable?
What?
I think he means are you comfortable?
Oh! Yes, yes, quite so,
Good, good! We just got one thing to be taken care of and then we can be on our way,
Now we're ready to go,
What in the fuck is this?!
Nobody talks to you!
You just wait! You're scums, you know this?
You'll both pay for your disgusting--
--Ah, shut the fuck up, asshole!
Hey!
You take me to fucking Antwerp now so I can get clean from you both!
I don't think he like us anymore,
And after all we've been through together!
-What the fuck?! -Aaaggghhh! FUCK!
Get out! Get out NOW!
Down on the ground!
I'm arresting you under the Amended Espionage Act of the United States of America!
Shoot me, faggot!
And for the suspicion of the disappearance of Nikolai Petrenko!
Do it, woman!
I'll shoot you dead!
Johnnie, you can't!
Johnnie, you can't!
Do it!
Or what?
You're gonna bugger me to death?
Get in the fucking car, Nancy Boy! Take me to the next town, or I swear,,,
[gunshot]
Aaaggghhh! What did you do?!!!
I shot you in the foot!
Johnnie!
What an asshole!
Next time it's your fucking skull! Sander! Open the trunk!
FUCK!
Wish me luck,
Marge: Mike-Alpha-Sierra, seven-twenty-six,
Marge, we've got a problem,
[Johnnie narrates]: Okay! Operation Mango, My first assignment, Which I had royally screwed up,
Kolya: "Aaaggghhh! What an asshole!"
The U,S,A, was in talks with Iran about ending their uranium enrichment program,
For obvious reasons,
Marge got a colleague to pass her some detailed intel on
Mango so she could come to my rescue,
But even their secret meeting was compromised by a 13-year-old fanboy!
How's your thumb?
It works,
Get it warmed up,
Okay, If we are thumbing for a ride we should at least do it the right way,
Dang! Awesome, dude! Why didn't you tell me this before?
Well, because I was thinking, You don't drink that much beer or alcohol so,,,
I thought you would be upset if you saw cannabis,
You know, I never want you to think that you can't tell me anything, okay?
Well, there are some things I can't tell you,
Fine, Be that way,
You big fucking stoner,
My lighter! It's in my backpack!
The Russian pig got my fucking lighter!
So, Sander, Uhm,,,
About that kiss,
I understand if you're not like me, But I can't be friends with you anymore
if I can't be who I am with you,
I'm sorry that I kissed you, Johnnie--
--I'm not sorry that you kissed me,
What?
I'm in love with you,
I'm completely and totally in love with you,
And I have been since the day you poured orange soda pop over your stupid head,
-But,,, -But nothing! I love you,
Did I say it right? You big homo!
Why haven't you said anything?!
I have-- I have been going crazy all these days,,, And you love me,,,
You love me like I love you?
If that kiss was the example, then, yeah,,, I love you like you love me,
[van honks horn]
Yes!!!
Ahhh! Yeah!
Yeah, This looks nice,
Look, One bed again,
I love you so much, Johnnie Allen,
I don't wanna cum too fast,
What do you wanna do?
I'm gonna make you a good massage for a time,
Sure! Where do you want me, then?
That's awesome!
Oh, Johnnie!
Whoa!
Where did you,,,
I was going to suck your dick, but I think you got a bigger surprise instead!
Now I don't feel so bad,
Wow, man!
You came and nobody even touch it!
That's what you call love from the inside out, huh?
I haven't even seen that in pornos before!
You know what?
You are just such a beautiful man,
You are so kind to me, and I just want you to know that, Okay?
Wow!
Dang!
Are you looking at my ass?
Morning! And what if I am?
Just checking,
I was hoping that you were,
Now I'm looking at your dick,
Oh, I see,
Now I'm touching your dick,
I like how it looks,
That's good, I think, It will be bad if you don't,
No, I mean I like how it's the whole thing,
Some asshole doctor didn't slice up yours when you were a baby,
We don't do shit like that over here,
We do where I'm from, It totally sucks,
Look! I'm making a little place out of my hand for it to hide,
Kind of like a little dog house for your hot dog,
Did you know that my big sister got a big crush on you,
No way!
Yeah, But, uh,,,
That's her bad luck because you are all mine,
And Jannik thinks that I'm Luke Skywalker,
Why?
He thinks that I can do anything,
My mama says that I'm his helten, I think "hero" is the word,
Yeah, hero,
I know what he sees in you, Smart kid,
How'd you tell them,,, that you're-
Sometimes I don't know what to do with you, Johnnie Allen,
Sorry,
But I will tell you,
Of course, I always kind of knew that I mostly like boys,
Mostly?
Go on,,,
I fell for a boy called Torben, We had sex, But, one day he moved to Copenhagen,
And I got really sad, And my mom asked me why I got so sad,
Yeah?
So, she hugs me and kisses me, and tells me that she understands everything,
And that every boy gets a crush on a boy sometimes,
But maybe one day I will like girls too,
What happened then?
Is this a pussy?
Fuck off!
Exactly, So here we are,
[fog horn sounds,,,sirens blare]
I miss our car, This waiting on a train thing sucks,
Yeah, man,,,
It SUCKS!
How will you tell them? About us, I mean,
I show you, Gimme your phone,
,,,You make them,
Of course, Hi, Johnnie, How are you two boys doing today?
We're good, Mama, Actually, we got, a--
We got news for you, too, Me and Johnnie are together,
Yes, I know that, You're in Copenhagen, Yes?
Not like that,
You know how to do it,
No, I mean, yeah, we went to,,, We went to Copenhagen--
--first the mustard, then the ketchup, and then the onions,
And put more doggies on the grill,
What I meant was, me and Johnnie is together,
Ah! You're boyfriends, then! This is very good news, Pokey!
Oh, congratulations, I'm so happy for you both,
You have a wonderful man!
Thanks, uh,,,
I love your son very much,
Oh, I know you do, And Sander loves you, too,
Everyone will be so happy, Maybe not Ingrid,
When do you boys come back from Copenhagen?
Yeah, uh, we will be back on Tuesday, uh-
But right now, we are in,,, We are in Dusseldorf, changing trains to Belgien,
Is it your honeymoon trip? Because I can think of better places--
--Yak yak yak yak! Phone phone phone! Help me!
I was off an hour ago!
Honeymoon in Belgien! So, you can bring me some chocolate!
No, no, no it's for-- it's for Johnnie's work! But I will bring you the chocolate,
Okay, well, be safe, See you soon, Tuesday, okay? Bye!
And that, dear Johnnie, is how us Hansen's deal with it,
Live and learn, my boy! Live and learn!
How come she calls you, Pokey, Pokey?
Yeah, that's a story, isn't it?
I'm waiting,
And let us save that story for our 25-year anniversary, okay?
Okay,
[train arrival announcement]
Yes, of course it's me, Stop being an idiot,
Listen, this mission,,, We have to abort now, They're on to me,
Yeah, Small mishap,
The fucking homo shot me,
In the foot! What does it matter?!
No! I need to get moving,
I'm at the Antwerp station, I'm trying to fix a train from here,
I'm serious! Why does your mom call you Pokey? I'm curious, man,
Yeah, I know you are, But I won't tell you!
You know what? I'll tell you,
[gunshot]
Sander! Sander?!
AAAGGGHHH!!!!
Fuck!
What happened?
Yeah, Yeah,
Don't go!
Marge! Please come!
He shot--he shot him, Marge!
I'm at the station!
Just come, Marge!
[intense, pounding music]
[tires screech]
Russian subject! Drop your weapon!
Drop it now!
And why should I do that?
Because if you don't, I'm gonna kill ya!
Why should I be afraid of you?
This doesn't have to end bad!
Drop it now!
Drop it!
Stop being an idiot! It's over for you!
You are new to this, aren't you?
Now here's what's gonna happen!
I am going to leave now,,, And you're not gonna stop me!
Or I will kill the lady! And then I will kill you! How about that?!
Not gonna happen!
Drop your weapon!
Toss the gun on the ground! Now!
No,
Johnnie, look out!!!
[sirens approach]
Johnnie?!
[Johnnie narrates]: Marge visited with us for most of the day
and confirmed that the fake did, indeed, try and kill us,
I'd like to say that I took the high road, and that I felt bad for shooting him,
I didn't feel bad, Because just an inch or two either way,
and Sander could be in the morgue right now instead of here with me,
Where's Johnnie?
[Jannik's phone rings] [ringtone sounds like birds chirpping]
I'm good, Thanks,
Hi, Pokey,
I'm so sorry,
I'm so very, very sorry,
It's a good thing that that man is not much of a good shot, huh?
[bedside phone rings]
[Johnnie narrates]: Marge told me that the Russian bastard survived,
And thankfully, because of some reason known only to her, so did my career as a Transport Specialist for the C,I,A,
Not that I deserved it at all,
[airline departure announcement]
All good?
Yeah, She's just happy that I'm here, And not in the grave,
I am, too, by the way,
Johnnie? Can we talk about your family?
Your mom and dad, and perhaps when I can meet them?
Yeah, well,,,
What?
My mom's a Bible thumper, To her, you and me should burn in hell forever and ever,
And I don't want her to ruin what we have,
Don't she want you to be happy? To be with someone who loves you?
You'd think so, But she likes Jesus, And thinks gays should burn in hell,
Real smart stuff, right? Anyway, I'm happily half way around the world
from her and her shitty husband,
-And I don't need to-- -Maybe I need that,
Johnnie, you said it yourself,,, You're half way around the world, Okay?
You are away from them, Maybe, what I need--
--No, you don't!
So what? You just want to hide me in the basement? Like I'm not real?
Ain't you happy about yourself, Johnnie? Do you wish you wasn't--
--I'm very happy with who I am and who I'm becoming, Pokey,
Come on, Plane's boarding,
I promised myself no more hiding,
Why let her say mean things to you or to me? That she can't take back?
What! Sander, what the hell?!
We won't work together,
Sander!
It won't work, For too many reasons,
So, I think you should just sit here,,, And then I will be sitting over there,
Come on, Planes ain't gonna wait,
[children laughing]
Please sit,
Okay,
I always want to be fair with you, Because I love you so much,
So here it comes,
I am not a good person, And I'm not the man you think I am,
You're not my first boyfriend, You know that, right?
Yeah, Torben, right?
I told you that when we broke up, it wasn't a big deal at the time,
But it was a very big deal!
Hey! Do you still love him?
I mean, it's okay, I'll stick around until you tell me not to, Just stop it, Sander!
He was so afraid that our classmates would think there was something between us,
Just like you are afraid that your mom will know,
And then one day after school, my world just gets destroyed,
I feel like a bad person because Jannik saw what happened, I was so mean to him,
He saved your life,
You don't wish to be with me, Johnnie,
Melanie Martinez!
We cut and kill flowers because we think they're beautiful,,,
We cut and kill ourselves because we think we're not,
Melanie Martinez, She wrote it,
You're such a stupid American,
So, you won't forgive yourself! What kind of shit is that?!
Dude! You gotta get past it! We gotta get past it!
Except I almost killed myself because I'm,,, Because I'm me, Okay?
I mean, you don't even want to show me to your mom, So, where does that leave us?
What if we start over from the very first?
I do love you, You know that, right?
Yeah, Same here, And I don't care who knows it,
Not even your mom?
No, I'll never leave you,
I don't know, Maybe you should find a Norwegian instead,
Dumb Dane, I just might do that!
I can actually kind of picture you with a Norwegian now,
Yurta hurta fluckity flurta! Come-a-sucka-me-tiny Norwegian dick!
Asshole! Come on,
Still got that joint on ya? Bet we can get a light from that cop over there,
Yeah, you got problems, man!
That's why you love me,
Maybe,
[listens to recordings of himself]
"It's me, Looks like I made it," "I'm in Denmark,"
"He's beautiful, But I know I can never have him,"
"Got my assignment today,
But I can't even look at it 'til the day of it,"
"So, I guess I'll ju(st)-"
You want me to stop?
No,
[continues listening]
"We steer our lives onto roads where they don't belong, craving some kind of validation,"
"We're fragile, Now I'm stronger than I've ever been,"
"It's because of a man who loves me and takes me for who and for what I am,"
Are you looking at my ass?
Okay, you can look a little,
[continues listening]
"I've been given a gift in Sander Lars Hansen,"
"He's the final piece to the very strange puzzle known as Johnnie Paul Allen,"
"And about Sander Lars Hansen,,,"
"Will we make it together? I think so, I really do,"
"And don't get me wrong, I'm happy to be me,"
"But I'm much happier to be,,,"
"Us,"
Do you like that, Johnnie Allen?