That's me hanging
with my most precious gift,
my daughter, Maron.
I guess I'm a cross between
a single dad and a single mom,
and I have been
for some time now.
I'm privileged, I'm blessed,
I'm responsible, I'm happy.
God, I love her.
She's the only little girl
that I know
that, while playing dress-up,
wore my baseball cleats
as high heels.
Where's her mother?
Well, it took making this movie
to really answer that question.
I don't know,
but maybe every community,
on some level,
resembles Happy Valley.
And the prescription was for,
like, 10 of these Lortab.
So 10 pain pills.
And so I thought,
"Well, you know what?
The guy just writes it
with a pen.
We'll just get a pen,
and we'll just change
the prescription, " you know?
And he's like,
"What do you mean?
We can't write another one,"
you know?
So my buddy goes,
"Well, let's just do this."
He took out his pen, and he's
got the actual prescription.
Where it says at the bottom,
"Dispense 10,"
he takes the 10,
and he changes the 1 to a 7.
So instead of getting 10,
it was 70 Lortab... 7. 5.
And it looked horrible.
'Cause the 10 was, like,
straight up, you know?
And usually a 7
is kind of at an angle.
And so it was this... like
an upside down "L" for the 10.
I mean, it was horrible.
Anybody could...
So I'm going,
"You got to be kidding me.
We take this in,
I mean, instantly you're
gonna get caught."
He goes, "No.
This will work."
So I said, "Well, you got to be
careful where you take it."
So we literally shopped around
to find a pharmacy
where it would be the lowest
risk of getting caught.
And so we went down,
and there was a pharmacy
in Mapleton that we found.
We went in there,
and there was this lady
that was 104 if she was...
I'm not kidding.
She actually, I think, started
pharmacies in the United States.
She's the first pharmacy
in Utah.
He goes in there
with this stupid prescription.
It looked horrible.
This lady... I don't
think she could see.
She goes, "Okay, well, youse
want to wait a few minutes."
Oh, that's quite a few
pain pills."
I was out in the car
just sweating, waiting.
He was in there
for a quite a while.
I thought, "He got caught."
I'm just waiting
for something to happen.
All of a sudden I see
the front door's opened.
He comes out going, " I told you!
She's so old, she..."
And he got 70 Lor...
And that was the start of
this whole ridiculous thing.
So if you were to look
at your history...
How many drugs have you taken?
Do you know?
I've probably eaten your weight
in pain pills.
That's a lot.
Well, you're not a small man.
And I'm just gonna say,
from this standpoint,
don't be afraid to miss a meal
here and there.
But no.
And that's just a health issue
more than anything.
I mean, I remember that one time
you and I were in Vegas.
You about killed me
when I stepped in front of you
at the buffet line.
There's no need for that, Ron.
There's plenty for everybody.
That's what it is... a buffet.
I've lived here most of my life.
And there's a lot of things
I like about it.
I've traveled around quite a
bit, but I've always come back.
I feel like it's a safe place
to raise my children.
It's a close-knit community.
Our neighborhood is great.
It just has a good feel to it.
Good atmosphere.
Utah's a beautiful state.
A really nice place to come to.
As they say,
"The best snow on earth."
I'm not Mormon, but I like
the values of the LDS religion.
I like it a lot.
Mostly because of the nature,
you know?
We got the mountains 10 minutes
away, the lake 2 minutes away.
It's a good place to live.
You know, it's really clean,
really nice.
It's a whole lot different
than back home.
Well, I would say
that it goes back
to when they first came across
the Plains and got here.
They wanted to build
a utopian society,
which is
really, really wonderful,
and it's the dream of every
person on the planet to do so.
But the problem is,
is in creating the Z CMI
and doing all of that,
they were isolated from the rest
of the world for so long that,
generation after generation,
they created and defined
their own culture.
Utah definitely has
a closed mind-set.
Definitely.
Very set in their ways.
And it's this way or no way.
The alcohol laws here
are just outrageously crazy.
- They make no sense.
- How do they work?
I mean, such as, you know,
you can walk into a bar
and you can't even
buy a pitcher here anymore
unless you have more than
three people in your group.
I can drink as much...
I drink a pitcher of beer,
and to me it's like drinking
a regular beer to a small guy.
We're sheltered,
but I'm not naive enough to say
that we have no drugs,
we have no gangs,
that we don't have our issues.
We were the first black family
in our neighborhood.
And, I mean, seriously,
the kids would come over
to look at us, you know?
And the little boy
asked my little brother,
"Doesn't that wash off?"
I do think that
there's a problem with denial
with the drug use
that happens here.
I grew up here.
I've gone through
the school system.
I also teach in Las Vegas.
And I think
the big difference is
people down there
are willing to face and admit
that there's a lot of things
going on around them,
where here sometimes, I think,
people don't want to believe
that their community
could have a problem
with that kind of stuff.
And therein lies a lot of what
the problem is, in all honesty.
It comes to mind that there is
a significant problem
and that a lot of people
are pretending not to know
that there is a problem.
There's a part of me
that wants to say that
there's no way it can happen
because of our religious beliefs
and the way we raise our kids.
Yeah, there is an issue with
denial in terms of drug abuse.
And it's really hard,
especially in our culture,
especially with
our religious beliefs,
how that's looked down upon,
that kind of...
It's really hard for people,
I'm sure,
that deal
with drug-abuse issues,
because they don't know
how to overcome it,
and they don't know where to go.
They don't want to talk about it
because they feel embarrassed
or guilty.
Well, to be honest with you,
I just got released
from jail today, okay?
I was in jail
on a marijuana charge.
And that was two years ago,
and I just avoided it till now.
While I was in there,
I saw major heroin
and cocaine withdrawals
from probably 40 inmates there.
So I would definitely say
that's a major influence now.
The methadone, the heroin,
the OxyContins.
It is...
That's the thing.
It's a pill thing.
It's not your normal street.
So that's one of
the difficulties.
And I think there's a part of
Utah County that wants to say,
"No.
That doesn't exist."
The reality of it is,
it's horrible here.
Horrible.
Let's see.
This is still Christmas Day.
I had the digital camera,
so I took this picture.
Right after I took that picture,
I saw this little quirk
of a smile.
These pictures are all taken
Christmas Day 2004.
That would be...
...the last Christmas
before she died.
When she was little, it was
just like a rope tied to her.
And everywhere Mom went,
Amelia went.
And...
I don't know
that she ever got over that.
She always understood...
We never had battles
or fights or anything.
We always just, as Michael said,
we just got along beautifully.
She got her driver's license.
We wanted to go buy...
She wanted to get a car.
So we started going
car shopping.
Well, the car she liked
was a little Mazda Protege,
and it had
a 5- speed transmission.
And teaching her how to drive
a manual transmission
was an experience.
It took us
probably a week or two
to get where
she was really comfortable
and felt good about it.
- What?
- Two days.
And I was the one who taught her
how to drive with a stick shift.
Yes.
She caught on very quickly.
But the thing
that was interesting is,
she wrecked that car.
We met in ninth grade.
And we actually...
I remember meeting her.
We were in French class.
And we were...
We ended up becoming partners
for something.
I forgot what it was.
But we just loved each other
right from the start.
If one of us
were walking down the hallway,
and they didn't see
the other one with us,
they'd be, "Where's Amelia?"
Or "Where's Macall?"
And we were just inseparable.
We were always together.
Amelia loved Macall.
She just loved Macall.
I n fact, one of the last things
we said to Amelia...
Michael was joking with her
and said,
"Don't you think you've seen
enough of Macall this weekend?"
And I said that, and she said,
"You can't ever
get enough of Macall."
And that was the last thing
she said to me.
We didn't plan on using drugs
or anything.
But I ended up
talking to Amelia,
and I told her that my parents
were going out of town
for the weekend.
And she said that she had...
She wanted to get high.
And she wanted to use heroin.
And I told her,
"Okay, well, I can get it."
I saw the two girls,
and I said...
And I had a bad feeling.
And I remember saying...
I was...
I just was worried about Macall
for some reason.
And I called Amelia up,
and I said,
"Amelia, will you make sure
that Macall doesn't do
any more drugs.
I'm really worried about her,
that she's gonna die."
And Amelia said, "Yeah.
I'll make sure of that."
We had asked Amelia
several times
about Macall and her drugs.
Amelia said
that she was doing fine,
that she was being tested,
and she was clean.
And everything seemed
to be going well.
She just used used them
recreationally.
She would use them once
in a while at parties and...
Or when she and I were together.
That whole weekend
was her first time shooting up.
It was the first time
using syringes.
All I remember is just
teaching her how to shoot up.
And then I shot up.
And that's it.
And then I ended up
going downstairs
because I wanted to be
with my boyfriend.
Macall had a boyfriend
who did not do drugs at all.
I don't know how he didn't know
Macall was doing them.
It's almost impossible
for him not to have known.
LDS.
I n the Church.
I'm an Eagle Scout.
Good kid in school.
Got good grades.
Averaged a 3. 3 GPA.
Played football.
Just a normal, you know...
Normal good kid
with no drug involvements.
Did you ever sense
that she was on drugs?
I asked her.
I'm like, "What's the worst
thing you've ever done?"
Like, "How many drugs
have you done?"
Just to find out.
And she didn't lie to me at all.
She said, " I've pretty much
tried everything.
But that's in my past,
and I'm moving forward."
It's gonna be a mystery that
we will never be able to solve.
Because we honestly thought
that Macall had gotten over
the drugs.
You know, Amelia was there
trying to help her.
And somehow,
for whatever reason,
she turns around
and pulls Amelia...
gets Amelia
to go right down with her.
This came from the police...
and so we kind of assume
that it has to be
there's some fact to it...
that Macall and Amelia
took heroin.
Macall injected Amelia
because Amelia couldn't do it.
When you overdose,
you usually do it
right there and then.
Because I've overdosed myself.
She never told me
that she was sick.
She never told me
that she felt anything.
She just seemed like
she was fine.
We had perfectly normal
conversations.
And so I just left her upstairs.
And then about 3:00 or 4:00
in the morning,
Macall and her boyfriend
came upstairs
and found Amelia passed out
on the kitchen floor.
You know, then she started
breathing a little funny.
I'm like, "We should
seriously call somebody."
You know, she's unconscious.
We can't even get her
to respond to anything.
She's like, "No, it'll be okay.
She'll be okay."
I felt for...
I just...
The feeling
that I had inside was...
It was just so awful.
Just seeing my friend
on the floor.
And Jasen said,
"We ought to call 911."
And Macall said no.
I was scared to death.
Never seen someone like that
in my life.
Not knowing what's wrong and not
knowing it's a drug overdose.
You know, not knowing
how to help this person.
Yeah, calling 911,
that was my first thing,
but I was told not to.
And, so, trying to help them
the best I could.
It's scary just not getting
a response out of a person,
'cause never seen that before,
and you see it all of a sudden.
It's just like, what do you do?
I thought that
she was gonna come back.
I thought she was gonna come to.
And...
She... We ended up moving her
over to the couch 'cause...
And we fell asleep beside her.
And the next morning,
we woke up,
and she was blue and black
in the face.
She was gone.
After that,
I'm not sure exactly what took
place between Macall and Jasen.
They decided that
they had to get rid of the body.
They took her body
up to the "Bountiful"...
up by the "B" in "Bountiful"...
and tried to hide it.
Buried it.
Tried to cover it with weeds
and twigs and all those things.
And then Tuesday came,
and we had...
All of the news media were here
Tuesday morning
wanting to talk about
what was going on.
And...
... someone said, "Did you know
they found a body?"
And I just thought,
"Well, that's it, then.
I don't need to talk anymore
on the TV, because that's it.
She's gone."
And soon after that,
South Jordan police came.
And he sat down.
And we took each other's hand.
And the officer
looked at me, and he said...
- It was a chaplain.
- Chaplain.
Looked at me, and he said,
"We found Amelia.
She's dead."
And the shock and the horror
of hearing what you knew
you were gonna hear,
but you just kept hoping
against hope you wouldn't hear.
The shock is so painful
that you can't move.
And you just sit there
as this wave goes down.
Starts at the top
of your head
and goes down
through your whole body
like an electric shock.
And then he showed us
her picture.
And...
... her face was swollen
and bruised.
And I found out later
they had touched up the photo
so it wasn't as bad
as what it really was.
And you're just going,
"What happened?
What happened to Amelia?
Why does her face
look like that?"
They couldn't tell me.
They didn't say anything.
It was weeks... weeks...
before the medical examiner...
It was August.
Second week in August.
But the police told us kind of
what happened a week later.
"She died peacefully
on the couch, " they said.
You don't die peacefully
on the couch
and have this horrendous wound
on your head.
She would have had to recover
from a concussion had she lived.
The medical examiner said
it could have been caused
by when she passed out.
Hitting the kitchen floor.
I think it was caused
by something entirely different.
The cops ended up
coming to my house,
and they asked me to submit
to a lie-detector test.
And I said I would.
Monday night she told me,
"What do you want me to do?"
'Cause she had to go in
to take a lie-detector's test.
I told her that night,
"Just tell them."
I'm like,
"Just tell them the truth.
I can't take this anymore."
I'm like,
"This is killing me inside."
And I guess...
I don't know if she did or not.
And then Tuesday, early morning,
I couldn't take it anymore.
I called my mom.
I told her everything.
And I ended up going in
and just turning myself in
and telling the whole story.
So here's the big question,
Jasen.
What do you take responsibility
for from that night?
Everything.
All my actions I did.
I know what I did was wrong.
Absolutely.
I'm not gonna try to deny
anything I did was right.
There's no way
I can justify that.
And then the next morning
when I was supposed to go,
I had woke up and I told my dad
the entire story
about everything
that had happened.
I just remember being
so sick because...
And so sad.
I was so scared to tell my dad
about what had happened.
I was just in a state of shock.
And he ended up crying.
He told me
he couldn't believe it.
He called my lawyer,
and he came to the house.
And I had to tell him the whole
story about what had happened.
And then the police came, and
they searched the whole house.
They dusted
the whole house down.
And they ended up arresting me,
and I went to jail.
And I remember the whole thing
being on the news
and seeing it while
I was being booked into jail.
And I was so scared.
Scared to death.
I wasn't thinking.
I was completely lost.
I was...
I was so high.
I did not make good decisions
at all that night.
I wish so badly that I could
rewind the whole thing
and bring back my friend.
Since I've been in prison,
my father hasn't
written me letters.
I've written him.
I don't know if he's out of town
or if he's angry at me.
I don't know.
What would you say to your dad
If you could talk to your dad
right now?
What would you say?
If I could talk to my dad,
I would tell him how sorry I am.
And how I want nothing more
than to make him proud.
Do you believe
that Amelia did drugs before?
Do I believe
she did drugs before?
Before that night?
Hard drugs?
No, she never did
any hard drugs.
We know that she had smoked
some marijuana.
We know that she had done
some Ecstasy when she was...
when her and Macall
were sophomores.
We know that that took place.
Amelia told us,
and we had talked about it.
And we thought that
that part of her life was over.
So...
And it was.
Yeah.
I mean, as far as... Yeah.
I think Macall planned it.
Like I said,
it was the first time
she'd been alone in the house.
And when Jasen wanted to call,
she came up
with all these reasons
why Jasen
couldn't possibly call.
For four hours
Amelia lay there,
struggling to breathe,
fighting for life
even though she was unconscious.
And neither one of them
lifted a finger...
...to save her.
How do you feel
about Macall now?
I don't think Macall has a soul.
I don't know who or what she is.
I call her one of the undead.
She doesn't have a soul.
She doesn't care about
anybody but herself.
I was told that after...
When Jasen found Amelia dead,
the only thing
Macall could think of...
She didn't grieve.
She didn't say, "Oh, dear"
or "Oh, my" or "Oh, Amelia."
She said, "We've got to get
this body out of this house
before my dad gets home."
Heroin or opiates
or those types of the OxyContins
can be reversed.
Overdoses can be reversed
with drugs that paramedics keep.
They can be virtually
brought back to life
by using Narcan and different
things that paramedics have.
Heroin is a central
nervous system depressant.
It basically shuts down
various functions of the brain.
It is not going to be
that spectacular.
I mean...
And it's easy to miss it.
You know, this person may
just sort of nod off and...
You know,
unless you're paying attention
to see if they're breathing,
they may just look like they're
happily passed out on the couch.
We're dealing with good kids.
Normal kids.
Kids that
you never would imagine
getting into a drug environment.
And they're starting out
experimenting with small things
that usually leads them
into a direction
they never would have
seen themselves.
I'd sit down
with parents and say,
"These are the things
that you need to look for
in this kind of a drug problem."
Show them what the paraphernalia
looks like and describe it.
Usually a parent can get up
and walk in the kid's room
and come out with a handful
of that kind of stuff.
Marijuana pipe.
Kind of cutesy.
This pot pipe was actually made
at a high school shop.
Zig-Zags for rolling marijuana.
Very common.
A small scale
for the personal drug user
who wants to make sure
that he's not getting shorted.
Crack pipe or crank pipe.
These little glass vials you can
actually buy at a 7-Eleven.
And if you look
at the front of the desk,
there's these little roses
inside a glass vial.
They're not selling the rose.
They're selling a crack pipe.
Do you have
any light bulbs missing?
How about spoons?
These are things I didn't know.
I had spoons come up missing.
I'm like, "What's going on here?
My kids aren't little anymore."
You know?
Cellphone bills.
Gasoline.
You know?
How much gas are they using?
How many miles are they putting
on their car?
My son designed this tattoo
because he wanted to be
a tattoo artist
and own a tattoo parlor
at one time.
So I went
and had a tattoo put on.
This is supposed to be C. B. B.,
but I think it's a little
infected at the moment.
This picture was taken
in Africa.
We had it blown up
and had it down at his wake.
I mean, we had a celebration of
his life rather than a funeral.
And...
There was every kind
of kid and parent there.
From all walks of life.
From all...
Every different kind
of dress and...
... every different kind
of parent.
That's what he taught us,
though,
is acceptance, you know?
He just wanted people
to be accepted for who they are
and how they were
or how they dressed.
Somebody who uses drugs
isn't just hanging out
in a dark corner
with just a few people,
you know?
It can be anybody.
We were actually in Phoenix.
We had gotten back from Africa,
and we'd left him home alone
to be with his sister.
She was watching him,
and David and I were in Phoenix.
And he had gone to work that
night, was supposed to be home.
And Brianne got a phone call.
He didn't come home at noon?
Or midnight.
He was supposed to be home
by midnight.
And apparently he had bought
some cocaine the night before
with a group of kids.
He had driven to Sugarhouse
and bought a rock.
He came home alone,
did the coke
for whatever reason.
What made him do it, why he
wanted to do it that night...
'Cause we thought he was
pretty drug-free at that point.
And he brought it home,
did it himself at home.
He was alone.
He got in the bathtub.
They said maybe the heat on top
of the coke took his life.
They found him in the bathtub.
Found him
in the upstairs bathroom.
Just white as a sheet.
And I knew when I first saw him
that he was gone.
And my son and Bree
were out in the car.
The hardest thing
I've ever had to do
was go out and tell Bree
that her brother had died.
Our son was Colton Ben Berger.
Born on April 8, 1989.
He passed away of
an accidental overdose of drugs
on January 28, 2006.
I think his real aspiration
in life was to help people.
And he'll never...
Excuse me.
I'm sorry.
... have the chance to do that.
I could probably walk into
any high school in this state
and find it within five minutes.
You know, the problem is,
is that everybody's doing them.
Kids that were the stoners.
People in band.
Computer nerds.
The football team.
You know, just normal,
unsuspecting kids
that you just expect to be
good high school students
that were all on
these crazy drugs.
I have yet to find
a high school,
public or private,
that does not have
drugs accessible
and that there is not
active drug use going on.
If you were a new student
in a new high school,
and you really wanted
to find any of these drugs,
I would bet that
it would take you
just a matter of hours.
When this was going on, I said,
"We're gonna change schools.
It's just that simple."
And he said, "You know, Dad,
you can get drugs anywhere,
anytime you want."
This person writes,
"Your life brought us life.
Hope you're running naked
in heaven.
I love you and miss you.
Kyle."
I'll eat my hat
if I find the drug addict
that's not addicted to sugar.
If you are always
on a high-sugar food,
you know that if
you're a little depressed
and a little blue
and a little tired,
all you have to go
is eat a bunch of M & M's
and a lot of soda pop, with
caffeine in it, if possible.
And so you're already training
your body to look at food
as a pharmaceutical way
to whip a dead horse.
And I think the next stage
might be prescription drugs.
And I think we need
to look at it.
I think we're a nation
in deep, deep distress.
If we want to truly help
drug addicts,
I think we need to look
at the nutritional aspect.
Is it the mind or the body?
I think it's both.
And a body will not work well
with poor food.
I personally almost
became addicted to painkillers
when I got hurt.
Because 2:00 in the morning,
it numbs your emotional pain,
as well as your physical pain.
And then as
the physical pain lessens,
the emotional pain
can pretty much stay the same.
And, you know, that pill makes
the emotional pain go away.
I had a really good doctor,
and he probably stopped me
just a couple pills away
from becoming addicted
to the painkillers.
So now I have to be really,
really careful with them.
And now I prefer...
Food is my addiction of choice.
How does that work for you?
Well,
from a disability standpoint,
it's a major drawback.
Because it makes everything
I have to do more difficult
'cause I'm trying to move a
large body with just half my...
with just my arms.
And, so, I love my food.
I n a way, it's my best friend,
and it's my worst enemy.
You know, when I walk in,
and I see 20 different people...
And to me, they're just
But when you start
to get to know them,
they're 20 people you love.
And they're all so different.
And if that could be
outside of here,
we wouldn't feel
so rotten about ourselves.
And the guilt.
There was a time
I ruined a business,
moved back in with my parents.
So now and then,
I'd go get a hotel room.
Just so I could go drink.
And I remember one time
feeling so guilty
about what I was doing,
I couldn't sleep
in the hotel room.
I went out and slept
in my truck.
'Cause I didn't feel I deserved
to sleep on that bed,
with the TV and all that.
Where does that come from?
The upbringing here?
What is it?
Oh, definitely.
You know, Happy Valley
and Guilt Valley.
I mean, the guilt is...
My sister has moved
to California,
and she won't come back
because of it.
She doesn't want to be judged
for every little thing she does.
I think everybody in this state
needs to look in the mirror
and quit looking
through the windows.
You'd be surprised
how much gas this uses
and how much...
we'll call him "Greg"...
how much gas his car uses.
I don't know if you can see him
up in his car,
but Greg's got one of these
little weighted deals.
And when you're sick
and you're anticipating going up
and getting drugs or whatever,
he takes his little deal
and he does
these reverse tricep curls
to take his mind
off this whole process
of being sick and going up.
It's just something to do to
keep you occupied kind of thing.
Because I'll meet him sometimes,
and he's just...
I mean, just shaking.
Just shaking like a leaf.
When I'm out of
doctor-prescribed pain medicine,
then I'll have to go a few days
or a week or whatever
of doing this, you know?
And so it'll be...
You know, we'll come up,
and then we won't be up here
for another, you know,
maybe a week or two.
And then there's been
times where, you know,
I've had enough pain medicine
to get off of the other stuff
and gone a month
without the other.
And then you run out of that,
and then you get sucked
right back into it
because you just can't break
that cycle of being sick
and getting off of opiates,
you know?
Maybe I always haven't been
the best husband,
but my kids love me.
If somebody were
to take me today, you know,
one thing that I do know
will be said about me is that
"the guy was
a really great dad."
And that's one thing
I'm absolutely proud of.
That's what I live for.
I think the biggest toll
that it's taken,
just if you want to
look at financially,
is losing about
a $500, 000-a-year job
because of my addiction.
Just going out there
and either running out
of medication to take
and getting so sick
that I couldn't perform my job.
And then kind of
getting labeled that way
and people not wanting
to take a risk
on somebody that has a problem
and will have somebody else
in here that is not a high risk.
So it's had a huge effect.
When my kids get up
early in the morning
after sleeping well at night
and I've been up all night
'cause I don't sleep well,
and they're bouncing off the
walls and excited to do stuff,
and I don't have the energy to
get up and do stuff with them...
Are you kidding me?
You know how much that sucks
to have them wondering,
"What's wrong with Dad?
Why can't he come out
and do stuff with us?"
Once you get to that point,
you will do anything
to get out of it.
Anything.
We called one of these places
for detox and rehab
and all that, you know?
And some of them
are pretty pricey.
And you got to go in there with
money up front and all of this.
And so I honestly did not know
what to do.
Is it cheaper to stay on drugs?
Oh, yeah.
Absolutely.
Not only, I mean, just the
financial side of things.
You can have a pretty bad habit
and do it
relatively inexpensively.
Or, I mean, thousands
and thousands of dollars
for detox and rehab
and all that.
And, unfortunately,
a lot of these places,
they don't work for people
because they go in
with the wrong reasons.
And especially in this valley,
there's this mentality that,
if somebody's got a problem,
we'll drop them off and say,
"Make them better,
and we'll be back in a bit."
You know?
And it doesn't work that way.
So we come out
of the gas station.
We've been praying, looking for
an answer what to do.
I see this sign..."Addicted?
Drugs... Prescriptions?
We sponsor recovery!
Happy Valley. Confidential."
So I come out.
Come out of the gas station
after literally having been
fighting with my wife,
praying what can I do,
and I see this sign that says,
"Happy Valley Detox.
Confidential."
And on the way up to the city,
was on my cellphone
calling your number.
People realize that,
"You know what?
I've been so stressed
or I feel so much pressure,
and when I take this or that,
I feel a lot better,
and I'm able to deal with things
a little bit better."
Now you're stepping over
the boundaries
of taking it for reasons of pain
to reasons of depression or
pressure or stress or anxiety.
And then it's like now you're
just taking them for any reason.
You get to the point
where you don't know
whether you're taking pain
medicine because you got pain,
or whether your mind's
manufacturing the pain,
or whether you're just taking it
to take it, you know?
And you get to a point
where it is out of control.
It's absolutely out of control.
"So, Sister Andersen,
could I get..."
"Could I get some of
those antidepressants?"
"Sister Andersen, I need
some Valium, Percocet,
and four balloons of black,
please."
"Okay, I'll see you tonight.
Are you bringing jello or..."
"Listen, you old piece of...
This isn't what I paid for.
I said 10 Valium.
I'll be at the Bishop's house
tonight if you...
That's more like it.
Okay.
Don't ever try to short me,
you..."
Can you imagine?
Thanks for writing me
on my mission.
I would never bad-mouth or say
anything bad about the Church.
I live for the Church.
It's my guide. I love it.
But there are...
There's...
You can't single out the Church.
It's not like it's
a Church problem, you know?
But are there certain pressures
that go along with the Church,
with religion,
with any religion?
But it just happens
that in Happy Valley,
there's a dominant religion,
you know?
But, I mean,
there's no way I would dog
and sit there and say,
"This is a Church problem."
It's not.
It's... You know.
Is there pressure
that goes along
with always trying to be perfect
and do everything right
and being in denial
and not wanting to come clean
when you really got a problem,
and, you know, talk about people
that just have...
I mean, domestic-violence
problems and marital problems
and never even come clean with
that kind of crap, you know?
So it's not... Yeah.
It's not a Church problem.
Okay, where'd he go?
You think there's a chance
we could...
- He's back.
- ... help him with recovery?
He wants to, and he said...
He goes, " I don't want to do
this and expose myself
and have my parents see this,
you know,
if I'm not doing something
to get help."
You know, so he really does.
If you can just not start,
you know.
Because once you start
and you get into this lifestyle
and you get into taking stuff,
it'll take... You will...
There's no good outcome.
There's...
I don't know.
If you look around, there's
not too many old addicts.
They're gone.
You either get better
or you die.
That's it.
There's no heroin or cocaine
in Utah.
This is Utah. You can't get
heroin and cocaine in Utah.
That's what they do...
cocaine and heroin.
They won't deal
in anything else.
No meth, nothing like that.
They say meth makes people loco,
so they won't deal with that.
Find that interesting.
They won't deal with guys
that are speeders.
Yeah, because they're crazy.
Yeah, they'll do anything.
What do you want to do?
You want to go back
and see his pad?
- Greg, can we go back?
- Nah. Right now?
Let's go see the bachelor pad.
No, 'cause if you show my room,
anyone that knows me
is gonna know it's me.
Well, no.
Yeah, but we won't show it
until you decide what it is
you want to do.
Just so we have it.
That's the whole idea.
I mean, if you really do
want to change it, get help.
I mean, that's the reality.
That's where you live.
You can do it. You don't have
to, but I think it just...
If you really
do want to help people
and show them
"Here is the ultimate,"
from having everything
and a family,
to my whole life is in
one room, you know?
I want to get high
as soon as I get home.
You hear that?
He goes, " I want to get high as
soon as I get home, though."
- That's fine.
- Okay.
You want to roll?
Okay.
No, I got to tell you.
Just from my standpoint,
I can't tell you
how proud I am of him
for having as much of a problem
and saying, "You know what?
I'm willing to expose myself,"
'cause he's embarrassed.
He feels absolutely horrible
about where he is,
what he's given up, you know?
But like you all said,
if we can just help somebody
not go the same route
that he has, you know?
Say you lose all your money,
or say you lose your family,
say you lose whatever,
and you get in Greg's situation,
well, you'd think that he would
want to do anything
to get out of it, right?
Living in that crappy
little room of his?
Well, he'll tell you himself,
it's like, "Why?
Why go through the effort?
I've already lost everything.
I can't lose anything more."
It's probably tripping for you,
too.
You've never been around
this kind of stuff, have you?
No?
No, not none of that.
Just...
Was that a trip going...
going on that ride?
- Not really.
- I didn't notice anything.
Yeah, just gonna film.
Just filming.
Concentrating on filming.
There's some heroin right there.
How long have you lived here?
Four years.
I've been divorced
for four years
and been in this room
pretty much.
I just hide.
Hide from reality.
Just go get my heroin
and come back and hide.
And you know?
I got married, stayed clean,
broke my back,
went in the hospital.
They gave me a whole bunch
of, you know, painkillers.
They don't work because
you already have a tolerance
even though you've quit,
so it's up doing heroin.
Then, pretty soon,
your wife's coming in,
and you're doing heroin
on the bathroom floor,
and, you know, pretty soon,
they just get sick
of dealing with it.
And the last straw
was I quit again
and then broke my leg
racing motocross.
Same thing.
Then she just got sick
of dealing with it.
And, I mean,
you can look around and...
All-State in three sports
in high school,
played college football
and baseball,
and think of the life
I could have had.
And many times over,
I kept getting chance
after chance after chance,
and... and I'm still doing it.
Get a few days, and then,
I don't know.
It just goes on.
And then I have such
a tolerance,
I can do, you know, 40 times
more than the average person.
Literally enough to O. D.
a band of gypsies, you know?
And so...
That much right there
would O. D. a person
that's never done it before.
Oh, just bust up my nice room.
And then I'll cook up
some crack, some cocaine,
and put it on there, too,
and mix it.
Plus, I just ate eight Valium.
And so...
It's hard to imagine
why that's so addicting, but...
And it's not just the dope
that's addicting,
it's this whole thing.
Going up and getting it,
the rush of getting it.
Getting it from the Mexicans.
The cops are sitting
across the street.
The ride down, the ride back,
you know?
Making it up, fixing it up.
Literally, when I was coming
down and running into the house,
it's like Christmas.
You're running in here so giddy.
You got to get your water,
you know?
It's sad.
It's sad.
The more you're on,
the harder it is to come off.
And the problem is, is you feel
like you have the worst flu,
the worst everything,
and you're so sick.
You're throwing up.
Runs down your pants,
and you get some heroin.
I n two minutes,
you're at the top of the world.
And that's the problem,
because you're so low,
and, all of a sudden, bang.
You know, 'cause normally
when you're sick or whatever
or have cancer or whatever,
you're sick.
There's nothing you can do
about it.
But with this, you know
damn well you get some,
you go from here to here.
And so it's such a big jump
that, you know, that's one of
the reasons it's so addictive.
And I just hope and pray
that we can help some people
and... and for me to do this
in front of people like this
is unbelievable for me because
I would never, never do it,
which is, to me,
I'm making some progress
because I've got to help
some people.
And I think the only way
I'm gonna get better
is if I help people,
because then I'm not doing it
just for me, you know?
And I'm not showing as much
emotion because I'm high,
and that's what getting high
does, is it takes your emotion.
It makes the hurt go away,
you know, temporarily.
I'm willing to go through hell
to do something positive.
And Daniel... at me
all the time.
Like he's high and mighty
and I'm living in this room,
and he doesn't realize that...
and it's starting.
He's getting
his family problems now.
Got the wife wanting divorce.
It's starting.
You know,
I can see him in me so much.
Gonna put them on
a spectrograph, right?
Here's what morphine looks like,
right?
Here's what opium looks like.
Here's what Lortab looks like.
Here's what Percocet...
They're all the same thing.
They're almost the exact
same thing, you know?
So, pay for the doctor's visit,
pay for, you know,
for your insurance.
Pay for the prescription.
Pay to take it
down to Walgreens,
or get in your car,
spend $6 worth of gas.
Not get the exact same thing,
get a stronger version
for $ 10 in a little balloon.
When I first came here in '86,
drug deaths weren't that common.
We were probably seeing
50 to 70 drug deaths a year.
The vast majority
were illegal drugs.
Last year, we did
in this office.
Of those 411,
prescription-drug-related
deaths.
These are drugs like oxycodone,
hydrocodone, methadone.
If you add folks
who are both illicit,
as well as prescription drugs,
that total goes up to 270.
If you think about it, pills,
painkillers in particular,
which is a huge problem here in
Utah from what I have noticed,
it's like smoking weed, which
is a grown plant, you know?
It's something that comes
from the earth.
For me, I think that's a little
lesser down there, you know?
It's like, "Okay, that grows."
It's not like it's okay, but
you're not gonna be hooked.
But people that are
on painkillers,
they're hooked, you know?
It gets you by the...
and it's just, from that point
on, you're screwed, you know?
You have to have it,
and you basically will lose...
I've seen people
just lose themselves.
You know someone, a good friend,
you know, and they're the person
you know,
and then down the path,
they've used so much
that they'll flip on you
and do whatever they can
to get their next fix.
They'll just lose their soul
almost.
It was not anything
you'd ever wish on anybody...
to lose a child.
Blake was a very outgoing kid
as, you know, in elementary,
junior high.
Very popular.
Had a lot of friends.
He was always kind of the leader
of the group.
He was doing well, you know,
until he hit about his sophomore
year in high school.
Got kicked off the team
as a sophomore,
grades started to drop,
and his personality changed.
He just became reclusive.
He'd come home,
and he'd go to sleep.
We never thought
anything about it.
Then we started questioning him,
and we started looking at him,
and once you look at him,
then you can see it.
You can see the signs.
You know, he'd come home,
and his eyes would be bloodshot.
He'd be tired.
He was pale.
There was many times
where I had to jump in
between my husband and Blake
because he was so frustrated
with him.
Blake would be high
or would have drugs on him.
My youngest daughter,
who was in junior high,
would come home
and go straight upstairs.
My other son was serving
a mission,
so he was kind of
out of the loop anyway.
And we all knew that eventually
he was gonna overdose
doing what he'd done.
We knew that he couldn't do
what he was doing
and live through it.
And I was upstairs
getting ready to go to work,
and my husband came running
upstairs and screaming at me,
saying, "Suzanne, come down.
Something's wrong with Blake."
And he was laying on the bed,
and my first thought was that
he had cotton in his nose
'cause he had foam coming
out of his nose and his mouth,
and then I realized
that it was mucous
and that he most likely
had a seizure.
I pulled him off the bed
and couldn't get his mouth open
'cause I think he was still
having a seizure,
and I remember thinking
as I was prying his mouth open
that he was gonna
bite my finger off,
but you don't care, you know.
And I got his mouth open
and started doing CPR on him.
It was probably
the hardest thing
I've ever had to do
in my life...
to sit there and look at my son,
who had a gazillion tubes
going into him.
You know, at that point,
he wasn't a person.
He was just somebody
that they were trying to save.
And I remember thinking
that it's almost okay,
that he'll be better off,
that he's been through so much
hell in the last two years
that maybe this is
a better thing for him.
The physician told us
at that point that he would die,
that we would be taking him
off the ventilator
later on that afternoon,
so to get our family together
and to get everybody there
to say their last...
you know, say their goodbyes
to Blake.
And it was horrible.
I mean, I remember standing
against the wall,
sliding down it, sobbing,
and my daughter was sobbing
and my other daughter was
and my husband,
and grandmas and grandpas
and friends.
I mean, all the friends
from Bonneville High.
They had to call security
to clear the halls
because there were so many kids
that were standing there crying.
I woke up in the hospital
about five days later,
four or five days later,
and I was in the hospital
altogether for about nine days.
They told my parents
that I would...
prepare to take me
off life support,
and I just decided that's...
that's not my life.
You only get one life,
and that's not the life
I wanted to live.
You know,
everything's good again.
It's hard.
Like Blake said, he takes it
a day at a time, and so do we.
You know, every morning I get
up, I go in and look at him,
make sure he's still breathing.
And I probably will do that
until he, you know,
moves out, anyway.
But it's... You know, it
consumes your life even after.
Even now that he's clean,
it still consumes my life.
The drug problem has gone
through the Terrace in Ogden
like a disease,
wiping friends out,
my buddies out one by one.
I mean, it's...
it's overwhelming.
My perspective on it was,
I mean, it's only a pill.
I mean, it's only one pill,
you know, once a day, if that.
The teenagers would get
their drugs by...
I mean, there was people
on the streets...
old ladies that would get
prescribed it.
There was people
that had back pains.
I mean, the one day of the month
where they got
their prescription filled,
there'd be four or five people
at her front door.
My whole sophomore year,
I don't think I experimented
with anything more
than Lortab or Percocet,
and my junior year
is when I started to bump it up
a little bit.
I would start, I mean, doing
OxyContin, morphine suckers,
and my senior year
just got out of control.
I mean, I was all over
the place looking for it,
doing two or three, four,
five pills a day.
I mean, spending hundreds
of dollars a day doing it.
Well, when I was in high school,
I would look at heroin
as in a whole different game
than OxyContin.
I mean,
I've never even seen heroin
for the fact
that just the name "heroin."
But it's in the same ballpark.
It kills people
just the same way heroin does.
OxyContin is actually
a synthetic-based heroin.
It's heroin into a pill.
While working undercover,
I found myself almost
in a sociological project,
trying to figure out "What
is making this so enjoyable?
Why are they just jumping
to get in to try this stuff?"
And we got into conversation
of...
One Sunday evening,
we were at a party.
I was surrounded
by a bunch of teenagers.
We got on the conversation
of religion.
Come to find out,
the overwhelming majority
of the kids around me were LDS.
And so I asked them,
"Well, don't you feel guilty
about going to church tomorrow?"
And they said,
"Well, yeah, but you know what?
It's really not
against the Word of Wisdom."
And I said, "Oh, yeah?
Well, how so?"
"Well, it's a pill.
It's not that big of a deal.
It makes me feel good.
So what?
It's not alcohol.
I'm not smoking anything.
I'm not sticking anything
in my arm.
I'm just taking a pill
and drinking some water.
Big deal."
There are a lot of parents
that just have no idea what's
going on with their children,
and it's not because they're
not paying attention maybe,
but sometimes it's just that
you got to dig a little deeper.
We had no clue.
Really very good at hiding it.
I mean, it's not like we're
not a pretty close family.
A young lady, recently married,
had forged a prescription.
She was involved
in a car accident,
and she was legally prescribed
Lortab and hydrocodone.
She found herself addicted
within a short period of time
to the Lortab and hydrocodone.
So, she was altering...
She was going to different
doctors and doctor shopping,
receiving a prescription,
but then she was altering
the prescription
to get her more pills.
The pharmacist caught on
to this, turned her in.
I conducted my investigation
and called the house.
I spoke to her husband.
Come to find out,
she was a very key member
of the Relief Society,
and he was afraid
at how this was gonna be viewed
within his religious culture.
But I could give you a list
of so many people
that shop doctors,
that are at the pharmacy
late at night
or even at emergency rooms
coming up with something
because they ran out of drugs.
And you would look
at some of these people,
go, "Are you kidding me?
This guys takes them, but isn't
he so-and-so in the community?"
It's ridiculous.
That's why so many people
are hiding it.
That's why everybody goes
through this denial
and hiding it every day
because they don't
want it to affect
what happens in their church
or their standing
in their church
or their standing
in the community or whatever.
We can't let it affect that,
so we hide in this gray area
in the middle here of denial
and, you know.
"Well, you know,
but he's got a bad back,
and that's why he takes it,"
or "He's sick because..."
And you know what?
And it's just because nobody
wants to take responsibility
for where they're at.
Nobody wants to really fess up
and say that I got a problem,
that I am sick,
and it's not just a bad back
or a bad shoulder,
and that I need help.
The reality of it is,
is that people
do not want to acknowledge
that which is uncomfortable
for them to see.
During my childhood, we were
a very, very LDS family,
and we'd always go to church.
We'd always go to
my grandma's house on Sundays
and have Sunday dinner,
and we just had a happy family.
I thought that Macall,
when she was in gymnastics,
that she was gonna go
all the way.
She was going to become
an Olympian.
She was going to just
blow us all away.
I was on floor
and I was doing a tumbling pass
and I landed short
and I hyperextended my knee
and tore my ACL
and I had to have surgery.
It took a year to heal
and I tried to go
back to gymnastics,
but it was too painful.
It was so...
Everything just wasn't right.
I just couldn't get
back into it.
I remember Macall wanted to go
to school, though.
She would do gymnastics, too.
She wanted to go to gymnastics,
and I just
didn't want to take her.
I started slacking
on being a mom,
and, you know, she was like,
"Please, Mom.
Take me to gymnastics.
Please, please."
And I was like, "Ugh."
I mean, it was one exit away.
You know, it was nothing.
So I just ended up just staying
into school
and getting a social life
and going with my friends.
And then my parents got divorced
and I was living with my mother
and my sister Lindsy,
and my mom, she ended up
falling into using drugs.
It's not a pretty sight
to shoot up.
It's ugly, very ugly.
There's blood. There's...
It's just ugly, and my kids got
to the point where they just...
It was just like
Mommy blowing her nose.
You know, it was no big deal.
No big deal at all to see me
sit down and do that.
"Hold on."
You know, I would...
Before I could make breakfast,
I had to do my fix
so that I could be normal
and fix breakfast.
Even breakfast, you know?
I'd get a call
from the principal
when I was in junior high
because I never was there.
And he would leave message after
message, wondering where I was.
And I was home tending
my two sisters
without my mom.
I wanted to go out
and play with my friends
and not take care of my sisters.
I thought that using with my mom
would create
some sort of closer bond,
and...
it did, but it was just in
a really bad way.
We wanted the mom
that we grew up with.
The fun, outgoing mom that loved
to do activities with us
and not just do her drugs
and go to bed.
I was using heroin.
I had to have it in me
every six hours.
Otherwise, I would be sick.
I would be withdrawing.
And I just remember waking up
in the mornings
and feeling so sick
to my stomach
'cause we didn't know how
we were gonna get the money.
We broke in
to our dealer's house,
and I remember getting
two baggies
and then a piece
that was this big of heroin,
and...
and that lasted us a week.
I look back on it,
I can't believe that...
how fast we went through them,
you know?
Being in prison...
is so hard.
I've been on an R&L
year lockdown
You only get out an hour a day
in the morning.
But being off the drugs
feels so good.
I feel so much better now
than I did
back when I was using.
I honestly feel happier now.
Macall is in jail right now.
What would you say to her if
you could talk to her right now,
sitting next to her
in her jail cell?
I don't know.
I would say that...
I don't know.
I can't tell her what to do
or how to think.
I want us to have a regular
mother/daughter relationship.
I want us to go get coffee
in the morning.
I want to go to school.
I want her to tell me
to do my homework.
I want...
I want to come home and...
come home to her, you know,
cleaning the house
or doing something normal.
What?
I got one for these guys.
Lindsy, you're gonna love this.
I got to sit a little lower.
I remember getting a cough once
and she gave me some Tussionex,
and I thought it was just gonna,
like, you know, chill my cough
so I can go play ball
or something for the night,
go have fun, spend some time
with the kids,
but I fell asleep...
for two and a half days.
Woke up.
All three cars were gone,
wallet was gone.
Part of my clothes were gone
and the kids were gone
and I was hungry.
And I had missed work
for two days,
and I think, "Wow, every time
I get tired or something,
she'll give me
a little 'aspirin, '
and then I'd fall asleep
for two or three days.
She's good.
Real good."
Do you remember those, Lindsy?
She could run.
"Here, here, no problem.
Just, I know you got a cough.
Here, just take a little..."
I'd go to sleep,
and I'd wake up two days later.
And just everything's gone.
My wallet's gone, money's gone.
They've been gone on vacation
for two days.
"We just went to St. George.
We had a great time, " so...
I don't know.
I've been through
so many rehabs,
and I feel like
it's just done nothing,
and so I still am just
in my own little prison
of going home
and isolating myself.
And...
Describe the Nancy personality
before drugs
and then the Nancy
personality traits today.
- Before drugs?
- Mm-hmm.
I don't know.
How do you feel about your life
and your kids today?
I miss out on everything.
What did you miss out on?
What do you think
you missed out on?
Be specific.
I wasn't invited
to Lindsy's wedding,
my eldest daughter's wedding.
I didn't get to see
the birth of her first child.
I didn't get to see
all the things
that Macall went through
with gymnastics
and all the things
that she succeeded in
and won trophies in and things
because I was too busy
out doing my own thing.
I had no time for it.
There was no time.
I had to worry about where my
next fix was gonna come from.
And Maron.
And Maron's been the one
that's been the...
that's lacked the most
of no mom.
She's just had nanny after nanny
after nanny.
And it's not the answer.
It doesn't help anything.
It just keeps getting worse
until you lose everything,
including your kids,
the trust of your family,
the trust of everybody
around you, you know?
Worst of all, it's just the
trust of your kids, you know,
where they have to hide
their piggy bank from you.
I don't care if I live or die.
I don't even care.
I don't.
Hurry.
Back to you. Hurry.
Just get there, Ron.
Can you drive,
like, faster, please?
Okay.
Describe the feeling
of withdrawing the first hour
today.
Are you encouraged
after your first day?
How does it feel?
We're on Day 2.
How do you feel, Nance?
I feel really good.
No, how do you feel, really?
I don't feel good.
Okay.
You're doing awesome, though.
It's your second day.
Enough of this.
Several weeks later.
I feel...
I guess like
everybody else feels.
Boring.
All right, that's cool.
Is that how you feel every day?
I got to think that there's
a piece of all of us, you know,
when stuff like this happens,
and, believe me,
I can't speak firsthand.
I can only speak as,
you know, observing,
that there might be
the possibility of healing.
One, is you're helping
other people,
and, two, in the possibilities
of having a conversation
with Macall,
that you might be able
to rise above this,
as hard as it may sound.
Believe me, I'm being
very outside the box here,
so if you could rise above it
in a way that maybe
you could make a difference
by showing the world
what true love is
in spite of this disaster.
Oh, you want me to forgive her.
I'm proposing a conversation.
- I'm afraid.
- Yeah.
I'm...
No, not for what you think.
I'm afraid because Macall lies
so beautifully,
and I have all the lies
she's told me,
and they're right here,
and once they're voiced,
they never go away.
Yeah.
And if she tells me more lies
and puts doubts in my mind about
what I know about my daughter,
they never go away,
even though I know Amelia.
I know who she was and what she
was and where she was going.
To hear Macall tell me
more lies,
I don't know
if I'm strong enough to hear it.
I never would have imagined
I would be sitting here today
with you
under these circumstances,
and I'm sorry.
Thank you.
I feel like I had a hand
in the upbringing of Macall,
and she, at one point...
I remember a very sweet girl
at one point in her life,
and she always spoke very highly
of both of you.
I just want you to know that.
Like, you were her...
I n some ways...
You must have loved her
in some way
that she felt connected to you
because she always spoke highly
of both of you,
and I know there was times that
you took her into your life,
and I know...
I thank you for that.
- And I...
- I don't know.
I can tell you what happened
at court after the...
That whole day
during the plea hearing...
This wasn't my feeling.
I had the feeling that Amelia
wanted me to forgive Macall,
to keep loving her because
she still needed somebody,
and I fought that off
very strongly.
I kept saying to Amelia,
"But, Amelia,
she took you away from me,
and you want me to forgive her?"
I won't say
it's not a possibility.
But I would like Macall
to take some steps on her own
to follow through...
to follow through
on the promises
that she made to the judge
to stay drug-free,
to stay clean.
I know that Amelia
is feeling bad
that Macall had to go to jail.
I know that she feels bad,
and I know that she doesn't want
or will not like the idea
of Jasen going to jail
or whatever's
gonna happen to him
because that's just not the way
she was, and it's just...
And I got to think Amelia
wouldn't want the two of you
being held hostage
by this situation,
spiritually, physically,
emotionally,
and, you know,
and that's what I'm proposing
is some sort of
a freeing experience,
the possibility of that.
And if the movie ended
and it showed
even a conversation
of initiating some possibility,
imagine what that speaks
to the world is all.
It's a beautiful possibility,
but it's something for you
to ponder yourselves.
- I wouldn't rule it out.
- Okay.
I wouldn't say,
"That will never happen."
Macall's never asked us
for forgiveness.
She's never come to us
and asked us for forgiveness.
She's never told us
what really happened.
How do you forgive someone
if they don't seem to want it?
Okay.
I'm tired.
I'm tired of lying about stuff.
I'm tired of pretending
that everything's okay.
I'm tired of being a fake.
I'm tired of lying
about who I am.
I'm tired of lying to my wife
and just stop this whole charade
of everything's fine
when it's not.
And I just want to get better.
This better work, man,
'cause I'm gonna be pissed
if it doesn't.
Who's that up to?
Who's that up to?
You guys.
So make it work.
Well, dude, if you can't tell
that I'm serious about this
by now,
exposing myself like this,
then you're not seeing the real.
I didn't... Just keep in mind,
I came to you guys.
It was weird just how...
how fast I got sick.
Yesterday morning
was the last I took anything,
and I was sick last night.
It was a rough night.
So I'll be glad
to get over this.
Over going back and forth
and feeling good
and not feeling good, you know.
So, are we ready to roll?
I just want to get in there
and get started.
I threw up.
All right, so...
All right.
And I still love her.
I always will.
I wish everything was better.
Macall.
What?
What?
I'm so sorry.
Me too.
Me too.
Do you miss her?
Every day.
Not a day goes by
that I don't think about her.
She's forgiven you.
Do you feel that?
Oh, I pray she does.
- I think she has.
- I love her so much.
All I felt for you
the first time we were in court,
I felt Amelia's love for you.
I felt that she wanted me
to forgive you.
I didn't want to.
You took her away from me,
Macall.
It's so hard
not to have her here.
I know.
I'm so sorry.
Just...
You know, the pain
that I have inside,
I just can't imagine the pain
that a mother would have
for her daughter.
I want to go and be with her.
I think about her all the time,
but I feel her with me,
and it's okay.
And I talk to her all the time.
She loved you.
She always, always loved you,
and she always forgave you for
everything you ever did, honey.
And she forgave you for this.
She did. She does.
She still loves you.
Nothing's changed.
Okay? Do they let you go
to school here?
Yes.
I started school today.
- So...
- Okay.
Is it hard?
Even if it's hard, okay,
you've got to do well.
- I will.
- You've got to do well.
You've got to make up your mind
you're not gonna be
like your mom.
No.
Nope.
I don't want to.
And also, we have college and
stuff, so that will be good.
Yep.
So, you have time to get your
degree while you're in here.
Yes, I do.
Then you'll be all done,
so when you get out,
you can get a good job.
Yeah.
And make new friends.
It's just the dorms
are a little different here.
Just a bit.
You look a lot better
than you did.
Thank you.
I feel a lot better.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
You looked bad.
You were too thin.
Yeah, I know.
Can we have permission
for them to hug?
We can probably do that.
Oh, honey.
I just want to go back
to the way it was before.
Hey, Dan.
It's Ron.
I'm actually driving
to Salt Lake to pick up Kathy.
I'm supposed to pick her up
at noon,
and so we have 30 minutes,
her and I,
to chat before we go
and see you guys.
So we'll pick you guys up
at 12:30 at the offices.
So bring the crew,
bring the camera.
Today's a miracle, man.
Danny, it's Ron.
I just was calling you to give
you a little pep talk, man,
just tell you
that I'm thinking about you
and I know it's not easy.
And you're an awesome person,
dude,
and because somebody's addicted
doesn't mean anything.
I mean, you're a great guy.
So...
Let's stand in the future today,
you know?
Let's not move
and stay committed
and realize that there's some,
you know,
some mountains to climb.
But if anybody can climb them,
you can,
and I will be there with you
to do it, my friend.
So, I did this part with Nancy,
and it just took
about two to three days,
and things kind of stabilized.
It was very cool.
So, all the things
that you have at stake
are worth
two or three lifetimes,
if not two or three days.
Hey, Danny, listen.
It's Ron again, and I'm sorry to
keep pestering you on the phone.
I'm just concerned.
You've had your phone off
for a few days.
I was just joking about
the toilet cam for the movie.
I'm kidding.
I know you're very sick.
You know,
stand or sit at your bedside,
or whatever I need to do
to support you.
But whatever you're up against
right now, Danny,
you finally get to step
through it, Danny.
You got a beautiful wife
who loves you.
You got five children
who are standing for you.
And this is the time that you
step through the stuff
that you haven't stepped through
in the last 15 years.
And I am just sending thoughts
and prayers your way, my friend.
I love you. See ya.
So I think about that night
all the time.
If, you know, I could have...
If I was holding...
I was still...
I was holding the phone
in my hand, you know.
I should have dialed instead
of listening to someone else,
but I didn't.
And we lost... You know,
someone died because of it.
If only we could promise
a rosy ending for all.
Seems we tend to let our
experiences form our identity.
People who actually believe that
they're sad, lonely, addicted,
poor, victims, et cetera.
You're none of those things.
You are uniquely beautiful,
glorious, and Godlike.
Even a miracle.
We just all sometimes forget.
So when you're done experiencing
all those experiences,
come on back to that person.
The beautiful soul you've always
been and will always be.
It's a choice.
A choice that can be made
as quick as you up
from the seat you're in.
Safe
journeys.