Enjoy yourself;
It's much later
than you think.
To Janine...
MONEY MONEY MONEY
in the history of cinema...
During its numerous
interruptions...
...the defense has maintained...
...by means of absurd
and deceptive argument...
...that this case,
being tried under criminal law...
...is actually a political trial!
Gentlemen of the jury,
make no mistake!
These five men are criminals.
I use the term advisedly.
These five common
criminals have used...
...their fertile imaginations
in the cause of Evil.
They have only utilized
political unrest...
...to screen
their sinister activities.
Look into their eyes,
try to detect...
...the faintest glimmer,
the least whiff...
...of a political ideal or thought!
I ask you, Your Honor...
I ask you, the jury...
I ask you, the people...
...what is the common denominator
of all their criminal acts?
Money...
...nothing but money!
Or, in the language
of these gentlemen...
"loot. "
As for politics,
they couldn't care less!
Moreover, psychiatrists
have found...
...that the IQ of
these five specimens...
...is woefully below average.
The medical report
on Simon, for example...
...states that he displays
cyclical symptoms...
...of neuroses ranging from
hysterical depression...
...to acute paranoia.
I will cite just one fact...
...about this individual,
this Simon...
...that fact concerns
his activities...
...near an automobile
assembly plant, in 1961.
Simon Duroc and his friends...
...stole 8,523 tires
in 11 months!
It was his first conviction...
three years in prison.
From then on,
he was lost to society.
WE GIVE AWAY APPLES
- Fill her up, sir?
- 25 francs' worth.
There you are, sir!
Clean your windshield?
Calling Fox Bravo Hotel,
Golf Romeo.
This is T6 Juliet Papa, over.
If you read me,
make a 180-degree turn and land.
We know you are
transporting weapons.
Fox Bravo Hotel, Golf Romeo,
do you read me?
Fill her up, sir?
Fill her up.
There you are, sir!
Clean your windshield?
Hey, my money!
I'm being robbed!
My money!
Thus was born the team
of Jacques and Charlot.
From 1960 to 1965,
they made the headlines regularly.
From 1965 to 1970,
they took a vacation... in prison.
But we have
no details about that.
With Sabena,
you're already there...
Come on, over there!
Been to school?
Can you read?
Read that!
Did you stop?
- Why not?
- I didn't stop before...
I stopped after!
I didn't see it!
My ear!
Are you hurt?
I'll take you to the hospital.
I'll hospitalize you!
Your car okay?
Take me to the airport!
The airport!
- The hospital?
- Take me to the airport!
- The hospital?
- The airport!
Open the door!
Climb in!
We going or not?
Let's go!
Is this your car?
Are you deaf?
- You keep saying "Eh?"
- Louder! I can't hear.
Is this your car?
Yes. Why?
Where's the door key?
The key?
I lost it.
- What're you doing?
- My eyes hurt.
Well done!
Look, we've got
to catch a plane!
Car papers.
License and registration.
This is a stolen car.
A stolen car?
- Impossible!
- It's a stolen car!
Wait a minute!
Look, I don't know this man.
I just met him...
Open the door.
Can't you open this door?
I've never met him!
- Do you know me?
- I don't know him.
Tell them you don't know me!
I don't know him.
Is this your car?
No!
I had an accident
two miles from here.
This gentleman...
you moron!
Wait a minute.
My car's a wreck!
You have to come with me.
This is a stolen car.
What the hell do I care?
It's not my fault!
I'm going to miss my plane!
You can't take me in!
I have to be in Paris
in four hours!
You can take a later plane.
Say something!
You got me into this!
- I didn't steal the car.
- What the hell do I care!
Tell them what happened!
I found the car
and I don't know him.
You can explain at the station.
- Do you understand?
- Yes, I do...
- I've got to get to Paris.
- As soon as we check your story...
Just routine...
a formality.
Then you can go.
"Lino Massaro,
head of a gang of art-forgers. "
I don't know him!
So you don't know each other?
I just stole the car!
Lino Massaro got five years...
...so did Aldo Maccione,
who couldn't explain...
...that the car and the paintings
were two different matters.
So that you'll understand,
I'll describe in detail...
...what these men did after prison.
And I say, today, why not us?
PROSTITUTES OF THE WORLD, UNITE
The fact that so many of you
answered our call...
...shows you feel
the old order is finished.
We will not be
the last French colony!
No more secrecy,
no more ghetto.
Come out in broad daylight!
We took to the streets first,
The sidewalks belong to us!
What would men be without us?
Nothing!
We are not their property!
We are the hub
of a huge industry...
...which brings in billions.
We will no longer be exploited.
Prostitution is a factory
that we can manage by ourselves...
...since we are the tools!
We are thousands
gathered here today.
Tomorrow, together...
...we can be millions!
No more bosses!
No more exploitation by men!
I do not wave the red flag
of Communism...
...nor the black flag of anarchy.
I wave the pink flag of love...
...and of liberty!
We accept our duties...
...but we want our rights
to be recognized!
And we will win.
We'll win by proving that
prostitution is a public service.
I'll go even further.
We want to be declared...
...a public utility!
For our protection...
...for social security benefits,
for retirement pensions...
...for the recognition of our rights
and against all the injustices...
I hereby proclaim
a general strike of all prostitutes!
For the liberty of prostitution!
What style!
You were sensational...
...brilliant!
I didn't know
you could talk like that.
You surprised me.
You should be an actress,
not a whore.
I never thought of it.
Don't be mean.
I'm not. I meant it!
What you don't get is
that it's not an act, it's for real.
C'mon, it looked like
a church social!
You were all enjoying it.
Sure, but it's still serious.
You'll have to explain it to me...
...because I still don't get it.
- What?
- All that!
What are they after?
What are you after?
Can't you see
that pimps are finished?
So that's it!
Look at what's happening
all around you.
Times have changed.
You, with your pinstriped suit,
the Mercedes...
...him with his cap.
I tell you, you're obsolete.
I'm obsolete?
Let me get it straight.
Today the workers
fire the bosses?
You've got it!
That's just about it.
I'll never fire you, boss.
You spoke of self-management.
- That's what I said.
- All right, say I accept it...
...even in the whorehouses.
What then?
But it means
there are no more bosses!
- Can't you understand?
- Nicole, you of all people...
...you can't say I'm a boss.
Never, to anyone!
Aldo, do I treat you
like a boss?
No, boss!
You asked for it!
Be serious for two minutes.
What about us?
You girls have had
some rough times.
That's right.
And we were always there,
ready for anything!
- I'm not arguing.
- Summer camps for your kids...
...who took care of all that?
You did.
But that's not enough.
What do you want?
We want social security,
for example.
I told you, boss,
you can't argue with Communists!
Hey, cut it out, okay?
- He's a pain!
- Talking politics bugs me!
Come on, go, go!
I'll stop the Mercedes
and you take the subway!
Good morning!
This is a robbery. Don't move.
Stay calm. Thank you!
Please don't move!
The door.
Press the alarm button.
Call the police, that's it!
Now call them.
Hello, Mr. Policeman!
The Bank of Paris is being held up.
Come right away!
- Everything's okay.
- We're on our way.
Goodbye now.
The police'll be right here.
Goodbye, Officer.
- Say goodbye!
- Goodbye, Officer.
Papa, this time
it was worthwhile.
No, listen, Daniel...
...we'll talk about it tomorrow.
I've had it up
to here for today!
Let's say my day
was a little... Special.
I feel like I live in weirdoland.
What's gotten into everybody?
No! I don't want to go crazy.
I'm in a hurry,
so give me a lift...
Papa, I have to explain!
- You must understand.
- Well, be quick.
Capitalism's had it,
the Fifth Republic has had it!
Communism's had it,
the consumer society has had it!
Cars have had it!
You've got to wake up
and help us!
Fine, but right now let's go,
I'm in a hurry.
Close this thing
or I'll get pneumonia.
Pull toward you.
- What's this?
- Hide it!
What is it?
- What do you do with it?
- You light it and it explodes.
It explodes!
Come on...
...come with me.
- You light it where?
- There.
- It'll go off!
- You said cars have had it.
Let's see if
I've understood you.
See? Now I understand.
You just had to explain.
Here, this is for the subway.
Fascist!
and what for?
To go on strike!
- Cut the deck.
- Wait a second!
And their slogans,
their demands...
"Our bellies belong to us,"
"Sex is money"...
A low blow.
"We own the sidewalks,"
"No more pimps"...
...wait... Social security!
Don't listen to Communists!
And that's not all, Jacques.
I also had
a little run-in with a...
...a young jerk
with cute ideas, too.
- So poker tonight...
- I understand.
If this can comfort you
in any way...
I feel the same way.
We pulled a little job today.
No big deal, just a little job.
Charlot neutralized
the police station... Perfect!
I took care of the bank.
Perfect!
- Less 6,000 expenses...
- It's to be expected, Jacques.
Boys, you've got
to understand one thing.
It's vital.
We've got to wake up.
We're on the brink!
- Let's get through our heads!
- Can I talk?
You said it yourself:
Capitalism has had it!
The consumer society
has had it.
And cars...
cars have had it!
- The Fifth has had it!
- What's the Fifth?
- The French Republic, you idiot!
- Can I say one thing?
We're obsolete!
Fascist!
Thanks.
- Where's mine?
- Coming up.
We're obsolete.
Aldo's right.
You are obsolete.
And I'll tell you why.
Because you keep looking
for money in banks!
But that's not where it's at.
And your streetwalkers
are walking out?
Naturally. All women
are taking up politics...
...even hookers.
They vote, they hold
conferences...
Women's Lib...
and why not?
It's natural!
If you want money, Lino,
get a job as Treasurer...
...of Women's Lib!
- What d'you mean?
- It seems clear to me.
Al Capone and Company
are all finished.
All you're good at now
is making spaghetti...
...and Aldo takes care
of that, not you.
All right, wise guy...
You talk big,
but what do you do?
Me?
I've got so many jobs,
I'm getting dizzy.
I wing corporation
presidents.
It's pretty funny...
...because I shoot
rightwingers...
...the far right pays me...
...and the far left gets blamed.
How's that again?
I'm a bit deaf.
I said I wing
rightwingers...
...the far right pays me...
...and the far left gets blamed.
- How is it?
- Good.
Politics is the only
reality today...
...a booming business.
Politics is fine,
but which party?
No! Above parties.
Above!
There's your loot.
The government...
...big business...
...labor unions!
I get 20,000 francs
to wound a corporation president.
A big labor union like the CG is richer than a bank.
What if you kill one?
I said I wound them.
I don't kill!
Never!
You know what the CGT is?
- No, what is it?
- The labor union.
We'll really have
to start from zero.
Of course, you don't
know the CGT.
But politics can't be
improvised.
We should take lessons.
We must take lessons.
So, as Simon said,
they studied politics...
...and the nuances of an era
based on extortion and hostages.
That's how they'd make money!
Students and experts followed each other
for three days and nights...
...defining leftists...
Maoists, Communists,
fascists, anarchists.
Their "teachers" never dreamed
that these were men without ideals...
...without a cause.
They'd serve any cause
for their own profit.
The UN of disorder
doesn't exist.
The UN of anarchy
has yet to be created.
It will be born
of the defunct Crime, Inc.
On February 13, 1972...
...a new chapter in gangsterism
was being opened.
Hoodlum imagination
is coming into power!
"Stalin, born in 1870,
died in 1953.
Took power in the USSR
after Lenin died in 1924...
...killing millions. "
Lmagine a man with no license,
driving a Ferrari at 200 mph.
He's bound to kill
Stalin was the road hog
of the Revolution!
For Trotsky,
the armed prophet...
"Revolution is permanent. "
Stalin understood it only too well.
He had him killed in Mexico.
That's where he ran him over
with the Ferrari!
Weren't we told that?
Aldo, "The road hog
of the Revolution"
...is a metaphor.
I thought so!
Stalin with a Ferrari...
Dialectical materialism...
...is the basis
of all political thought.
Dialectics means you go
from analysis to synthesis...
...like shifting gears.
So that's...
...you know how it works?
It allows you to shift...
...from a specific analysis
to a general conclusion.
You can go both ways
and not lose sight...
...of your starting point.
Cars have automatic shifts now.
That was invented by Lenin.
You've heard the experts
I called in.
They were very expensive.
I thought you should know.
Now you realize
the contradictions...
...that exist between
different ideas, systems...
...theories, countries...
...and flags.
I hope you're confused.
You mean,
you hope we aren't.
Perfect! He's confused.
Because if you know
that you understand nothing...
...you're above confusion.
And you'll make lots of money!
Our new sphere of action...
...will utilize the contradictions...
...of those who say "Love one another,"
then kill each other!
Our specialty, as I see it...
...is to be the specialists
of clarity in confusion.
You follow me?
No, it's not clear.
I'll be more precise.
I've a job in mind.
But for this job,
we have to merge.
That is, Lino, Jacques and me,
with your permission.
Why didn't you say it,
instead of confusing us?
That's what they do in show business.
And you don't know show business!
- Tremendous
- Adventure...
- Stupendous
- Adventure...
- Erotical
- Adventure...
- Political
- Adventure...
- Adventure
- Adventure...
Shut up.
Johnny, may I get
your autograph, please?
For Janine.
- Who's Janine?
- His sister.
Hello, everyone.
Today's top news:
Johnny Hallyday.
The pop singer is still missing.
We now know he was kidnapped...
...the most daring
kidnapping in years.
The big question:
Why Johnny Hallyday?
Is it political...
- Happy?
- Terrific! Great start.
Biggest headlines
since the general died.
- What general?
- Bugeaud!
Le Monde: "Johnny's fans
swear to find him. "
- Find you?
- Here!
L'Aurore: "Why Johnny?"
Yes... why?
Combat: "Johnny Hallyday,
or the political abduction. "
Terrific!
A one-track mind.
Make it to cash.
As long as we can all
get a share of that.
Your career is set for
the next 10 years...
...that's a modest estimate.
Easier than a bank.
- Who gets it?
- Him.
Your stunt isn't cheap.
A publicity campaign
would've cost 10 times more...
...with no headlines
or TV coverage.
How do you like
your new career?
I like it, but I need time
to get used to it.
The methods are new,
and I'm feeling old.
It looks like it's the wave
of the future.
Mr. Georges?
A call from Mr. Belley.
- Inspector Lamotte.
- Inspector Dufour.
- What is it?
- We need to talk to your boss.
Do you have
an appointment?
No, but tell him
it's personal and urgent.
One moment.
The police? What's it about?
It's personal.
Yes.
Last door in the hallway.
Come in, gentlemen.
- What's the problem?
- Inspector Lamotte.
Inspector Dufour.
We're sorry to bother you...
...but we've arrested this man.
He robbed some places
near here last night.
He came here, too.
What did he take?
- Came here?
- Yes, here, last night.
I haven't noticed
anything missing.
We're positive.
It can't be!
- It was here?
- Yeah, yeah! The safe.
The safe?
I just opened it.
Everything's fine!
Perhaps, but...
...better make sure,
for your security and ours.
Mistakes are so easily made.
Please make sure...
Of course, if you insist.
We're sorry to take up
your time, but...
A double-check
is better than one, right?
Oftentime,
you think you have...
...seen everything,
and then you realize...
...you haven't seen everything.
See? Nothing's missing!
Sit down, please.
- Sit down!
- What's this mean?
We'll explain.
Put your hands on your head...
...and look over there.
He was right,
nothing's been stolen.
He was absolutely right.
You were right.
Now, he's a little bit
less right.
No, no!
Look over there.
That's not very nice, sir!
Over there, I said.
- Conk him on the head!
- That's no place for it.
- You might need it!
- On the head!
No, he's very nice.
- Very polite.
- Very refined.
He's loaded, too!
It's a pleasure to deal
with a man like him.
I mean that!
- A man of distinction...
- Stand up, sir.
Go way over there...
...and kneel.
Good! Now, don't move.
Thank you!
There's some more
down there!
So there is!
Stupid of me to forget.
The plane for Asuncion.
You're late!
Too bad, it's on the runway.
- It's gone?
- It'll take off any second.
When's the next flight?
Tomorrow.
It's gone?
I'm sorry to bother you.
It's about your flight
AS 262 for Asuncion.
Quite by accident,
I've learned...
...that there's a bomb
in the rear luggage bay.
I called to warn you.
No, I can't give my name.
I'm a flight captain and...
No, be reasonable!
I can't give you my name.
At least, I've warned you.
Yes, a bomb.
A bomb.
B... As in boo-boo!
Did you miss
the Asuncion flight?
You're lucky.
It turned back...
...because of a technical problem.
Why don't you give me
your tickets?
- It turned back?
- Technical problem. Is it safe?
- Don't worry, just a check-up.
- It's not serious.
Shall I take your luggage?
- Heaven's on our side.
- We're lucky.
What's meant to be, will be.
Aldo's really getting fat!
What about the other bag!
First, this one under your arm!
You booked my suite?
With bath?
A suite with bath.
Stay behind me!
Behind me!
Who's the boss?
You, Don Maccione.
- You're ogling!
- No.
Cigarette!
Take my coat.
My sunglasses.
Moron!
Stay six feet behind me!
Or I'll send you back to Sicily!
Jackass!
Where are your brains?
What are you looking at?
- Nothing!
- At the girls!
Looking at girls!
Yes, you were.
- Want spaghetti?
- What kind?
- You name it... Ouch!
- Ouch, what?
- Don Maccione!
- Address me by my name.
Wake up, we're almost there!
What's that look for?
Nothing.
Don't forget
that I've met Juarez.
He says the ambassador
is a humanist.
He's wonderful and won't
give us any trouble.
- Coffee, Aldo!
- No coffee.
- No coffee?
- I forgot it.
Next time!
Lino, pass
the tanning lotion.
You drive me nuts
with your tanning lotion.
Why not a bubble bath?
Put your shirt on.
- Give me the lotion.
- You clown!
Listen, Simon.
- I'm fed up with picnics.
- Me, too.
Fine! If there's no news
tomorrow, we go home.
There will be.
How old is your wife?
She's 25-26.
How old?
- 26.
- Then say so.
- You lucky bastard!
- We should've kidnapped her.
- His wife?
- Sure.
Any children?
A girl and a boy.
How much do you make?
- Could be interesting.
- How much per month?
- How much?
- 1,5 million pesos.
Tell me in dollars.
You divide by four
and take away...
- So that's...
- $4,000.
- How much?
- $4,000.
- He earns more than me!
- And lots more than me.
But I get room and board.
Olvidados calling Manou.
Can you hear me?
Hello, this is Manou.
Mike Alpha November,
Whisky Oscar Oscar.
I read you loud and clear.
That button.
Calling Manou,
can you hear me?
Loud and clear.
The government is convinced
the ambassador's already dead.
They refuse to exchange
the 30 prisoners.
Send proof
he's still alive.
If they don't comply
by midnight...
...execute the hostage. Out.
Got the message. Out.
Sit down.
Midnight!
What about the time difference?
- Midnight here, or where?
- Midnight here.
- How do you know?
- It's midnight here.
I insist on one thing, Simon.
We've got to send proof
that he's alive.
We'll take his picture.
That's what we planned.
And you think that will work!
- How'll you send it?
- How about the mule?
Come with me.
Stand over there.
Please, don't move.
Aldo! My glasses.
Don't move.
These glasses?
Put your jacket on, Pops.
Ambassadors wear jackets.
Let's go. Hurry up!
- He needs a shave.
- Out of the way!
Come on, be nice,
give us a smile.
- The smile makes the man.
- That's not original.
No, but I like it.
The mule's gone.
Who tied it up last?
- I just saw it.
- No mule, no picture.
Cut it out, Jacques!
Now... Hold it.
I hate to butt in...
...but these ruins are
known to everybody...
...even dumb cops.
Might as well draw a map!
Want a group shot, with fingerprints?
Take it here.
He didn't smile.
I say this one.
The least lousy.
- Okay with you?
- Do I have a choice?
Write...
"I the undersigned...
A. Hebert,
Swiss Ambassador"...
Herzberg.
"Swiss Ambassador...
November 19th...
- At 4:00 PM... "
- Not so fast.
"... Am still alive. "
Underline that.
- A good idea.
- Still no mule.
The mule's over there!
I have just heard...
...my husband is still alive.
I hardly dare believe it.
I'm so happy.
And now...
I speak to the kidnappers.
I implore you...
...to return my husband quickly.
I ask you...
...in the name of my two children...
Sylvie and Patrick.
They ask for him constantly.
At midnight,
your ultimatum expires.
I promise you...
...if you return him to me,
you'll be free.
You're really a bitch!
Hail Free Switzerland!
Olvidados calling Manou.
Mike Alpha November,
Whisky double Oscar.
Prisoners released.
Free the hostage.
Thank you!
Are you crazy?
Didn't you hear?
Yes, I heard.
I didn't get my turn.
You have no right!
Hail Free Switzerland!
What's $5,000 in pesos?
I want a return match.
No. A return match!
That's enough!
- Where are the children?
- Waiting for us at home.
Thank you for coming.
In the name of
the Geneva Convention...
I protest this scandalous deed...
...not for myself personally...
Well, there were five...
low-class specimens.
- Real nothings!
- What language?
French spoken
by subhuman dumb brutes!
One was fat and
ate spaghetti all the time...
...half-blind,
with 15 pairs of glasses...
...but still took cockeyed photos.
Twisted minds!
The second was a tall fanatic
who never stopped...
...gambling with my life at poker.
He was deaf!
And Curly,
obsessed by mules!
Then there was one who always
screwed up... Excuse my language...
...he kept stroking his...
...his gun, like a sexual object.
And the last one was completely gaga,
running around naked.
Carried his gun
under his armpit.
He was tattooed...
I don't know.
It must be an international
gang of hoodlums...
...of mental defectives.
It was like being on Mars!
It was hell! They're a mafia...
...a gang of monkeys!
Why'd they pick you?
- Why you?
- Probably because...
...we're pure, lovely,
Swiss and neutral.
- We're from Lake Lucerne!
- Will Switzerland take action?
I hope so, and I will demand...
...the capture of these ruffians!
He said I was fat!
And I'm obsessed by the mule!
He's got to be queer.
All that kissing last night...
...no man acts like that.
Obsessed by a mule!
Maybe I'm a little well-developed,
but I'm not fat.
You're more than
well-developed.
But he's not fat!
Are you peeing or sputtering?
There, we're finished!
Let's go.
You're right, Lino,
you're slim.
If we ever find
that Swiss again...
The Revolution is
no longer me. It's you.
Maybe, General...
...but let's get
something straight.
You're the Revolution...
you are you.
But we are us.
And that's another story.
The people see you...
...as the liberators
of Latin America.
We don't want
to liberate anything.
- Serve the people? No!
- I have big plans for you.
Two hijackings, the kidnapping
of a cultural attaches...
Hold on, General.
Simon, we came here
to get the money, right?
Absolutely!
Well, General?
We got the job done.
Let's have the $200,000!
Jacques,
we're among gentlemen.
Ernesto is an honorable man.
Just be patient.
Sit down, keep calm.
You hired us to do a job.
We did it and did it well.
We kept our end of the bargain.
Now you keep yours.
It's simple. You pay us,
we go, and it's over.
If you have other jobs later...
...hijackings and so on, okay.
But as my friend said,
first settle this one... Now!
We'll take cash.
You're only in for the money?
- Aren't you Marxists?
- Yes, Groucho Marxists!
Pay me, and I may become
a Marxist-Leninist.
You got any tanning lotion?
Well?
Check, or cash?
I haven't any cash now, but...
You're making us angry.
- I have an idea.
- No!
You don't know what it is!
I propose that we get $100,000
in cash right now...
- And the rest in two weeks.
- No, no...
- It gets us off the hook.
- You like to simplify, but not this time.
Sorry, but you'll pay up
right now.
Yes, right now.
Gentlemen,
I'll be forced to arrest you.
You'll be tried
by my revolutionary court.
You have any tanning lotion?
Coconut oil?
If I'd known who I was hiring...
That's what happens
when you rely on ads.
Why didn't you stay
in show business?
No ear for it.
You'll regret this.
History is with us.
History will speak for itself.
I need men like you.
No work without pay.
A Marxist like you
should see that.
You set a bad example.
That's what we fight for.
We have nothing.
Why'd the 1871
Paris Commune fail?
They wouldn't attack
the Bank of France!
Historians all agree on that.
Work for me, Simon,
and I'll pay you well.
Like you did
for the ambassador?
You really are just
cheap hoodlums.
We must kill you all
to have a real Revolution.
Right. All bets are off.
Today's winners are not
strong, intelligent men.
Today's winner
is the cheap finagler...
...who handles blackmail
like a Winchester...
...as well as confusion in clarity!
- Did he behave?
- He tried to bribe me.
- A good price, I hope.
- The Revolution's broke.
We'll show him how to get rich
with a few phone calls.
With late charges,
it'll be $300,000.
$200,000 for the ambassador
and $100,000 for Juarez.
$200,000 for the ambassador
and $100,000 for Juarez?
$300,000 for two kidnappings.
A real bargain.
Where's Juarez?
In the shack, up there.
- I see no one.
- One second.
Charlot, are you listening?
Bring out Ernesto.
Have him wave.
Enough.
He can go back in.
You saw him?
Now, give us the money.
What if I refuse?
Young man,
you want Juarez alive?
One second, please.
Thanks a lot!
Charlot!
They're off and running!
Bring Ernesto out.
Have him wave.
He can go back in.
And if I refuse?
You want Juarez alive?
One second, please.
Quick!
- The pictures for our posters!
- Lino'll paint some!
We got it!
Holy shit!
Interesting.
Politics isn't all bad.
I wondered
why people went into it.
- Now I know.
- They paid!
- Call that chicken feed?
- You too?
Curly's getting mad.
They've got problems up there!
Look at the Yanks.
$1,000 the Yanks
get there first.
- $2,000 on mine!
- $3,000 on the Yanks.
- I call you.
- Three on the Yanks.
- Why the Yanks?
- Mine have no style.
the capitalists.
Mine look bad right now...
...but look at Curly!
- 12 on the capitalists.
- 15 on the Yanks!
I'll give you boys a break.
Okay?
Damn fools!
- You see that!
- $30,000!
The next war will be like that.
One big bang!
No one'll ever know who won.
You know something?
I liked Ernesto.
The best man we've met.
A man has to die
to be appreciated.
Another thing.
He was straight.
Coming or not?
The money, Lino!
We're rich!
Are you sure
you speak English?
To perfection!
- Where did you learn?
- High school.
- You went to high school?
- Till eighth grade.
Go on.
Stop.
- Was it good?
- Fine.
I think you'd better keep that.
Aldo can't speak English,
but he has a good accent.
Paris traffic is bad,
but so is New York's.
"I speak fluent English. "
- Fluent!
- I do!
- We get to choose?
- Of course!
You're heartwarming
in that skirt. It suits you well.
- Do you have a magazine?
- Right away, sir.
You're overdoing it.
My glasses.
One second.
Fluent!
- Where were we?
- We stopped there.
Relax, Charlot.
Next job in English...
...we send Jacques and Aldo.
- It went fine.
- We'll see in a little while.
I've seen some
good-looking broads.
"Ate Daze"?
Not listed.
Nothing.
Jacques said
it was all here.
No "Ate Daze,"
no "Wick. "
I'll take care of it.
Let's sit down.
- What'd you say?
- I asked if we could wait.
You're sure you said that?
I'm sure.
We're waiting, aren't we?
Fine.
How's my hat?
My hat.
The hat's fine,
but the rest...
Y'know, you really
are heartwarming.
- Oh, hello.
- It's gloomy up here.
Downstairs is gay and lively,
but here it's gloomy.
You're right.
Would you like a drink?
- Champagne!
- I'll get it for you.
I make 71,000 francs
a month.
- Interesting!
- Belgian francs.
You're Belgian?
I work soil and beasts.
- You work what?
- Soil and beasts.
- I'm an agricult!
- Agriculturist.
I'd like five glasses
of champagne.
- All for you?
- For a small celebration.
Where are the men
who fly the plane?
The pilots?
Over there.
Over there?
We can't go see them?
No visitors allowed
because of the hijackings.
The fifth glass.
Better be safe than sorry!
With all these imbeciles...
Anything can happen.
So they're over there, you say.
- Aren't they bored?
- Who gets these?
I'll show you.
Make sure no one
hijacks the champagne!
- What is it?
- A passenger's treat.
Evening, Captain.
Thanks for your help.
Don't you panic.
We're used to it.
- So are we. Altitude?
- 8,000.
Go up to 12,000
and keep circling to the left.
Contact the president
of the airline's insurance company.
He has an urgent appointment...
...with Mr. Smith
and Mr. Wesson.
You speak French?
Great!
Put that away!
Well, now...
...we've just heard
that one of the planes you insure...
...a 747, to be exact,
has been hijacked.
It so happens,
quite by incidentally...
...that we specialize
in rescuing such planes.
Two what?
- Two million.
- In what?
Dollars, naturally.
- 10% of what?
- Of the price of the plane.
What if, unfortunately,
they were to blow it up?
you'd owe the airline.
And you want
these two million in cash.
Naturally.
- And at once.
- Yes, that, too!
And where do I find
that much at this hour?
That's your problem.
You're the insurer!
This lady next to me
kept pestering me.
"How do they fly at night
and not get lost?"
I said we'd ask the captain.
So he told her,
because I already knew.
He said,
"See the little green light...
...on the tip of the left wing?
And you see
the little red light...
...on the tip of the right wing?
Well, we just fly between them!"
Suppose I accept?
Then it's all arranged.
Don't worry.
An hour from now,
if we're not followed...
...we'll phone you a password
to transmit to the pilot.
And the plane will go beddy-bye
in New York tonight.
"Ginette's striptease
isn't as good as Julie's. "
Perfect!
And now please,
turn off your radio.
Say nothing
and take me to Montreal.
If you like, you can then go
beddy-bye in New York.
Are we rich?
We're rich, you know.
How'll you spend it?
I can't believe...
I was a car thief,
and now I've got billions!
Millions!
Maybe I don't have the build...
...but I have a right to dream...
...to have lofty thoughts
sometimes.
I always love
other men's wives.
- How do you get rid of them?
- Get rid of them?
It's easy.
You tell them to go,
and they go?
Once I tell them, that's it.
I can't fall in love.
I can't.
Do you know
how much a girl costs?
We've got money now!
You never know
what can happen.
You've got to stay focused!
He's going to hurt somebody!
Lunge, Lino!
Good.
Ad out! Ad out.
Be courteous, gentlemen,
or I'll stop the match.
Carrying anything?
A little. 38, why?
I've got a fun job.
Here?
The casino cash-box
leaves in 10 minutes.
There'll be a driver and a guard.
Let's have some fun.
Just us two?
Maybe our friend
needs a laugh, too.
Doing all right?
"Our nature must
always come out. "
What're you talking about?
What was the point
of starting a new career?
You're going
to blow off our vacation...
...for a lousy $20,000!
It's not for money,
it's to have some fun!
To kill time, Simon!
Can't you just relax
and do nothing?
There goes
our society of leisure!
- You call this fun?
- You're challenging the whole theory!
Take Aldo and Charlot.
They're enjoying themselves.
Yours, mademoiselle?
Want to knock over
the casino cash-box?
Fuck you! We're on vacation!
Let me pick up the girl!
Sure, this is how
we'll pick up girls!
Look at that fool!
Looks like a train starting.
That's walking!
- Come on, you too!
- Who walks like that?
I always walk like that
for the girls.
Watch the way I move.
Not like that, Simon!
- The leg like that.
- Smoother!
You have to see it
to believe it!
That really does
something for you!
Terrific!
That's how you pick up girls.
- He's riding a bike!
- Style and class!
- Not like that!
- Yes, like that!
I taught him!
I'll show you.
- Italian-style!
- Not like that!
Like this!
Smooth!
Simon, watch!
Let yourself go!
Lino, how do you
want the pasta?
- What'd he say?
- Tomato sauce.
Show me where we are.
We're there.
- Where are we going?
- There, to Haknan-Hwahwa.
Is there an airport?
At Haknan-Hwahwa?
A small one.
So, to Hakna-whatever.
Aldo, the dog and I
will take the plane.
Because I can't stand
any more vacation!
But why stop
at Haknan-Hwahwa?
Just look at
what's become of us!
And look at him!
He's sick!
No, no!
Paris, Paris, Paris!
Lino, the tanning lotion!
Charlot, give me a hand!
You must've caught a whale!
Easy!
You nut, I was sunbathing!
A Michelin 42/12.
A Michelin 42/12,
a very good snow-tire!
- You've had too much sun!
- It's not the sun. I know tires.
Why did we rent a sailboat?
If we had a boat with a motor...
...there'd be five girls here.
Why a boat with sails?
What's that?
A friend of mine,
a leftwinger...
...runs a summer holiday camp.
He gives suntanning lessons.
He told me
there's a triangle right there...
...that nobody thinks about.
Jacques, ever study suntanning?
When do we turn in the boat?
Are you being funny?
I told you, Paris!
Aldo! The girls!
What'd I tell you
about those girls?
- What'd I tell you?
- "Something's fishy. "
And here we are...
going where?
I know one thing:
They're not cops.
It's not the way
they do things!
"Yoo-hoo!
Come have some pasta,
come have some spaghetti!"
He's right, you two
are morons, animals!
How many times...
...how many times have I told you
girls mean trouble!
- How many times?
- Never!
If we can't get broads,
with all our money...
...what good is it?
I like men, not so much
because they're men...
...but because
they're not women!
I didn't see you two
fighting off those girls!
Who shut the door
when you left Ernesto?
- Aldo did.
- You're sure?
I was there.
Mr. Ernesto, you know that...
Jacques, you tell him.
What'd I say about him?
He said that...
...of all the men we'd met...
General, you were the best.
He said you were straight.
I even added
you were honest.
Yes, that's right.
Thank you very much.
You know the procedure:
One, kidnapping;
...two, ransom.
I'll only ask for the $2 million
from the plane.
Give me your Swiss bank
account number and you're free.
So, what's the number?
Mr. Ernesto, how did you find us?
You're noticeable
when you're on vacation.
Your behavior
isn't very Marxist.
But you aren't Marxists.
You're cheap hoodlums!
Easy, there!
I'll bet $1,000 he talks.
$2,000, he doesn't.
I'm with you, Jacques.
Well?
$2,000 he doesn't talk.
$3,000, he does.
$5,000.
$10,000, he misses,
and $20,000, he doesn't talk.
Double that.
What about that Swiss
account number?
Screw you.
Screw you!
I'm not as good a shot
as you are.
Screw you!
Paper tiger!
You're a paper tiger.
Relax, it's phony.
- What'd he say?
- $10,000 he won't talk.
- I'm in.
- How much?
$15,000.
I won!
- $15,000 he talks.
- $15,000 he talks.
I'll cover all three
for $50,000, okay?
Well, Mr. Bandit?
The Swiss account.
I don't remember.
We'll see.
Drop your pants.
Why should I
drop my pants?
You'll see.
It's funny!
Lino, try it!
It's funny!
It's funny, Ernesto!
Does little Poupoune
know Switzerland?
- I've got an offer...
- No!
UBS in Zurich, 9461.
Ask for Hugo Frichthafen,
he'll take care of it.
You are a humanist!
Lt'll surprise Frichthafen!
- But...
- But what?
- Ernesto, can I say...
- Shut up!
Go ahead, tell him in Italian!
- Go f...
- Very good, Lino.
Juarez!
I thought he was honest,
and straight!
He was a bastard!
Know what he did?
I gave him the number...
...and he took the $2 million.
But that's not all!
He pumped us dry!
Took all the money we had!
And that's not all.
He turned us in to the police.
And yes, to the French police!
These men are not innocent,
I know.
But they are prophets!
The innocent have full hands
and light hearts.
The accused have empty hands...
...but their hearts are heavy
with the threat of death!
Where, Mr. Prosecutor,
is their fortune?
Do the accused have
sumptuous villas by the sea?
Or mansions in rich suburbs?
No! They own nothing!
They own nothing
because they are fighting...
...against a political system
based on property!
With all due respect,
Mr. Prosecutor...
...the growing unrest
in the world today...
...the solidarity strikes...
...the riots...
...add proof,
if it's needed...
...this is a political trial!
In fact, politics
is on trial here!
The real defendant
is not sitting here today.
The real defendant...
...is our immoral modern world...
...its electoral chicanery...
...its tactical pacts
and tactical wars!
These men, the accused...
...have simply tried to blow up
an unsanitary atoll...
...called politics!
He's oversimplifying.
The system is not on trial here.
The accused placed it on trial
before I did.
Not to oversimplify, but...
The system is on trial here.
Its survival may even
depend on the verdict.
We know the political opinions
of the accused.
If any doubt still exists...
...this revelation
should clarify it.
All the money
from the hijacked plane...
...was turned over spontaneously...
...to Ernesto Juarez...
...so that the Revolution
might triumph in South America.
I assume that
the defense has proof?
Of course, Mr. Prosecutor.
A $2 million transfer...
...from anonymous account
UBS Zurich 9461
...to equally anonymous
account 26578 ZK.
What if they escaped?
What are you saying?
They escape, you're safe.
You haven't given in to pressure.
The protesters will stop...
protesting.
And you are no longer
embarrassed.
An escape!
That sounds good, but...
...someone will have
to be declared responsible!
Of course,
I'll assume full responsibility.
The accused will rise.
Everybody stay calm!
This is about those three clowns
dressed in red!
Let's go, baby-doll!
This is an escape,
and we want no trouble.
So let's all sing
"The Marseillaise. "
All together!
One, two, three!
Sing, sing!
Sing out!
Louder!
Aldo, the government's with us.
Slow down.
Leaving Paris
always means trouble!
But this time,
they've been very fair!
Fixed us up with an escape.
We have to go to Africa,
we promised.
Where's that damn plane!
Where the hell is it?
I've got it!
I know where it is.
It's behind us.
We have to go back.
It's behind a hill back there.
Hang on!
I'll make a U-turn!
I've already told you
this is a phony escape!
Take your time!
You'll kill us.
I'm telling you,
nobody is following us!
Slow down, we've got time.
There!
Unbelievable!
Stop.
- Stop!
- We can make it!
- I said stop.
- They can't catch me!
Stop!
We'll have to explain.
You missed a stop sign.
- Did you see a stop sign?
- Where was it?
Where?
- 150 yards back.
- There's no stop sign.
There's no stop sign.
- Officer...
- Tell him!
This car isn't ours,
it's a government car.
The plane over there
is a government plane!
The plane is
taking us to Africa.
We're not wanted here,
so we have to go.
Jacques, you try!
Well, it's an African problem.
Above all,
it's an African problem.
Because your bosses...
...made a deal with us.
They said, "We'll arrange for it. "
They arranged it.
"But you'll go to Africa!"
You are blocking us...
...and they just unblocked us!
You're making a big mistake.
They asked us to go to Africa.
You heard him.
They just unblocked us!
You can't block us
when they unblocked us!
He can't explain it.
He's a cyclical neuropath.
I'll have to explain it to you.
Silence! This neuropath
did plenty for you!
One at a time.
One at a time?
We're all together.
It's a question of Africa!
Gentlemen, please,
one at a time.
Your establishment is
uncoordinated!
You block us
when they unblocked us!
Makes no sense.
Your job is to unblock
so things flow.
Over that hill. Fast!
Not so fast, take the road!
- Faster!
- Not so fast.
- Not so fast!
- Not so fast.
- The road's faster!
- Watch out!
Stop pushing!
Well, let go!
He's holding me. Let go!
He had me by the tie.
That moron!
Come out of there!
A driving neuropath!
- Where is he?
- We never should've left Paris!
Let me tell you.
We're going to have a talk,
a nice little talk!
- You neuropath!
- Imbecile!
What's wrong?
There's the plane!
Here's the spectacular climax
of the recent trial in Paris...
...that has attracted
so much attention.
The Minister of Justice
has resigned.
This news seems
directly related...
...to another item
reaching our desk.
Arriving in Africa
without hindrance...
...the five fugitives
who were on trial...
...have been welcomed
like true heroes.
Let's admit that men
capable of donating $2 million...
...to the cause of a Revolution...
...do not grow on trees,
even in Africa!
Citizens!
Comrades!
Brothers!
Hi, everyone!
Ladies and gentlemen!
Thank you for granting us
political asylum!
I want to tell you one thing.
I, the cyclical neuropath...
...the head of Occidental Paranoia...
...say that power is
at the end of a gun!
We wanted to be free...
...and we are free!
Better a good master
than a bad servant!
The shortest road...
...from barbarism to decadence...
...runs through civilization!
Comrades! Politics is nothing
but show business!
We have declared in high places...
...that all free men should have...
...neither work,
nor family, nor country!
We are paper tigers...
...but we are live tigers!
And we are against
self-management...
...in whorehouses!
I'm selling a 1971 Mercedes
convertible, a one-owner car...
...with 4,000 miles on it!
Long live Mao!
Long live Mao,
who never stole a Ferrari...
...and never ran over anybody!
And long live Free Switzerland!
The present government
is hanging by a thread.
Strikes, unemployment...
...socialist ideas...
everything's rotten.
Honey, shall we have coffee here
or in the living room?
In the living-room.
I'll finish my business first.
The President is a puppet.
If you wish,
we'll overthrow him...
...and take power.
- Us?
- Is power really profitable?
Very profitable!
But if power is very profitable,
General...
...why not take it yourself?
What, a military putsch?
No, very unpopular.
But with five idols like you...
General,
when it comes to politics...
...we know approximately nothing.
Don't oversimplify,
we do have a certain grounding.
You are Marxists?
Marx taught us, primarily,
the notion of capital.
Excuse me, General...
I have one question.
Once in power, what do we do?
Make money.
Lots of money.
- We'd have to live here?
- At first.
So, General,
when do we take power?
Monday won't be possible.
The army is on a mission.
Tuesday, the Pope is arriving
on an official visit.
Wednesday!
Does that suit you?
After arriving in
the East African Republic this morning...
...the Pope was kidnapped.
Later on, the kidnappers called,
demanding as ransom...
...one franc from all the Catholics
in the world.
Yes, one franc
to free the Pope.
That seems surprising...
...but the telex was reviewed...
...before reaching our desk.
It seems authentic...
...since the Vatican
has confirmed it.
Further confirmation
is expected from Africa.
Astonishment persists...
...since security measures
were taken.
How could the Pope disappear...
...be kidnapped between
the airport and his residence?
It's hard to understand.
Furthermore,
one franc per Catholic...
...makes a large sum.
Alms for gangsters!
Those are
all the details we have.
Other reports
should be coming in soon.
Please, stay tuned!
We'll interrupt our programs
to report the news.
The Pope caper?
We cleared about...
I mean net...
$12 million,
and no taxes.
None!
The Pope is marvelous!
Everyone knows that,
but not to that point.
It sells very well,
very well.
So many people love him.
The Pope was just fine.
Just fine!
Yes, I'm very happy
about the Pope.
That's adventure.