Do you, Angela Nardino...
take Dean Cumanno as your
lawfully wedded husband...
to love, honor, and obey
till death do you part?
I do.
Out of the tree of life,
I just picked me a plum
You came along,
and everything started to hum
You happy, Baby?
I am so happy.
It's beautiful, Dean.
It's everything
I ever wanted.
Yeah?
Like the song says,
"The best is yet to come."
The honeymoon.
Oh, you got a little
bit of cake right...
I think we've put in enough of
an appearance here, don't you?
Come on, let's go.
I believe it's tradition
for the best man to dance...
with the beautiful bride.
Piss off, Leo.
Dean, you can't be
rude to your friends.
I'd love to dance with you.
The best is yet to come,
come the day you're mine
Come fly with me,
let's fly, let's fly away
Just say the words,
and we'll beat the birds
Down to Acapulco Bay
It's perfect for
a flying honeymoon
They say, come fly with me,
let's fly, let's fly away
Congratulations, man.
She's great.
I love your friends.
That's the busboy, honey.
Wow.
You even got me great busboys.
Now let's have one more
dance with the bride and groom.
Oh! Ha, ha, ha!
Are you still nervous?
No.
And thank you for respecting
my religious beliefs.
- I'm really ready now.
- Thank you, God!
I'm ready to do things to you...
that no woman has
ever done before.
How about a...
Oh.
Here it is.
Oh, it's so...
tasteful.
Oh, my God.
That's how much
I love you, baby.
You must love me...
a lot.
Take me, Dean.
Don't tease me.
I'm not...
Not a big fan
of this material.
Oh.
Angela?
Angela!
Oh, no.
Don't do this to me, Angela.
Welcome back.
Oh, my God.
What happened?
Not a whole hell of a lot.
Oh, my God.
Are you kidding me?
Our wedding night?
Oh, I am a bad wife.
No.
No, no, no.
I do got some frostbite
in some very weird places.
Oh-
You've got your whole
life to make it up to me.
And I'm going
to start right now.
Yeah? OK.
Oh!
Ohhh!
Oh, my God,
I'm going to be sick.
Just give me a minute, baby.
I'll be right back.
No, no, no.
There's no rush.
No rush.
Look, I got to stop
by the office...
before we leave
for Barbados any way.
That'll give you some
time to freshen up.
Let me give you
a quick kiss good-bye.
No! No, no, no.
That's OK, that's OK.
I- I'm late.
I'll see you in
an hour, maybe two.
Here. Put it
over here on the rack.
Hey! What the-?
- Nice security.
- Sorry, boss.
I- I went to bed
late last night.
But nothing
compared to you, huh?
Yeah. Is the Mercedes ready?
Yeah, yeah, just about.
We switched the VIN,
and Wendy's making...
the pink slip for
you to sign up there.
All right.
That's a great
wedding present, boss.
Angela's going to go
nuts for it, huh?
Maybe not as nuts as
she went last night, huh?
Huh?
Hey, boss, was
she worth the wait?
Come on-
Hey, hey, hey!
We're talking
about my wife here.
A man's wedding night is his
own private, sacred business.
It's not to entertain
lowlife scum like youse guys.
Angela's got
to be an animal.
Hey, he's even
walking funny, huh?
Hey, back to work, all right.
The break is over,
guys, come on.
Oh! Congratulations, Mr. C.
I heard the wedding
was awesome.
I'm almost through with
the docs on the Mercedes.
Oh, thanks, Wendy.
Oh, boy.
Oh, boy.
You need to sign
here and I think...
here.
Is it hard?
What?
Getting married.
I mean, I haven't
been here that long...
but I've already
heard tons of stories...
about you and women.
Yeah, well.
Those days are all over, Wendy.
Forever.
Thank you.
Ah, damn it.
Here. Let me help you.
Mr. Cumanno.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry, Wendy.
I- I'm so sorry,
I'm just nuts today.
I can't,
I can't, I can't.
I'm married, Wendy...
I'm married.
I can't.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
Screw it.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. OK, OK.
Oh, my God.
Thanks.
Is that frostbite?
I'm fine. It's fine.
Piss off,
I'm working here.
Baby, it's me.
Shit. Get out.
Take the back stairs.
I can't.
My hair is stuck.
What?
- Dean.
- Honey.
Ahh, ha, hi.
I was feeling
so much better...
I couldn't
wait to pick up...
where we left off.
Oh, that's great.
That's great.
You know what?
I'm just going
to finish up here.
I'll meet you outside
in a sex-a sec.
OK.
I love you.
Oh.
I love you, too.
You look pretty.
Come on.
Come on. Ow.
Get out.
Not so fast.
You are not
welcome down there.
Get up.
I'm trying.
I can't
believe that Mercedes...
Dean.
Honey, honey, this
isn't what it looks like.
I- I swear her hair
got stuck in my zipper.
I- I-I wasn't getting nothing.
17 hours we have
been married.
17 hours!
The happiest
17 hours of my life.
You just lost the best
thing you'd ever had.
Angela, wait.
She seems...
nice.
My client has agreed,
against my advice...
to settle for
a one-time cash payment.
$300, 000.
For one day?
One horribly traumatic day
in which my client suffered...
irreparable psychological
damage to her self-esteem.
Oh, and she keeps
the Mercedes.
What?
Bullshit.
Well, we could drag this
before a judge...
if you think that
would be more favorable.
That would put your client's
business under scrutiny.
What was it again, Mr. Cumanno?
Random repossessions?
Give her what she wants.
I can't believe you
wore the gray dress.
I distinctly said the blue.
- It worked, didn't it?
- You were lucky.
I was good.
Excuse me.
I wonder if I could ask
your help for a moment.
I'm trying to find Route 40.
Route 40?
Well, you're on it.
That's it.
What?
Where is it?
There. See that black thing...
with the lines on it,
the cars going?
I'm so embarrassed.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know
where it was.
Thank you so much.
My pleasure.
Sorry to trouble you.
It's OK.
Forget it.
You're not going
to kill yourself...
and stink up my new car.
Our new car.
Hey! Mom.
I only do these things
because I love you, Page.
How was the wedding?
Beautiful.
Like all my weddings.
Have you any idea
what that meat...
is doing to your arteries?
Haven't you heard?
Cigarettes
dissolve cholesterol.
No cards, Page.
This is a classy place.
It relaxes me.
So? How did we do?
Not too bad.
How not too bad?
About 80.
Plus the car.
That's it?
For that I lived 4 months in
a crap hotel without cable?
Ugh, I'm so sick of this
small-time bullshit.
Plus, I had to kiss
that greasy mook.
Dean wasn't so bad.
Any way, we'll make more
in the next one.
I'm thinking Seattle.
Maybe San Francisco.
Mom, remember our deal?
OK, there is no next one.
This is it.
I'm going solo.
Oh, here we go-
It's happening, Mom.
Accept it, embrace it, OK?
I am old enough
to be on my own.
You have no idea what it's like
to be all alone.
I'll tell you exactly
what's going to happen.
You'll go off,
you'll get lonely.
Some moron hunk will come along,
you'll think it's true love.
You'd never been so sure
of anything in your life.
And then, bam.
He will pull a
conceive and leave...
and then it's my
life all over again.
Mom, I am not that stupid.
You know what I mean.
Well, you're right.
I was stupid.
And it left me
pregnant and alone.
If Barbara hadn't taken me in
and shown me the con-
And you taught me.
OK? I'll be fine.
OK. Fine.
If you've made up your mind...
we will go to New York
and divide up everything.
I'll get the check.
Oh, my Lord!
Eww.
What seems to be
the problem, madam?
Well, I was just about
to take a bite...
and I saw glass. Look.
I am so sorry, ma'am.
This has never happened.
Of course your meal
is, uh, complimentary.
Armando, a bottle
of wine, quickly.
Perhaps a '69 Merlot.
Those shoes
are so wrong for this.
Thanks.
I don't understand
the problem, Philip.
We deposit our money...
and you give it back
when we say so.
I'm afraid it's not that
simple, Ms. Conners.
Hello.
I'm Gloria Vogal.
I.R.S.
Hello.
Oh, I see you've
heard of us.
I'm surprised because
we so seldom hear from you.
Well, I suppose
I might be a little late...
with this year's return.
Maybe even the last 7.
Mother, I'm stunned.
I had no idea you would
evade your responsibilities...
as a U.S. Citizen.
Shut up, Miss Conners.
We've never seen
a dime from you, either.
Look, I know
what must have happened.
You see, I always
assumed that my returns...
were filed by my husband.
Oh...
which one?
Look, just because
I've had some trouble...
with my personal
relationships-
Ms. Conners...
how you earn your money is
of no interest to the I.R.S.
Now, how can I put this in
language you'll understand?
We just want our cut.
How much?
With interest and penalties,
the total comes to $247, 811.
What?
Oh, no, no,
no, no, no.
Ha ha! I'm afraid
that amount is in addition...
to what used to be
in your accounts.
Your latest divorce settlement
arrived this morning.
Thanks.
But that's everything.
It's not all bad.
We give you a full
90 days to pay.
Or...
we move for ward
with criminal charges...
for felony tax
evasion and fraud.
Good luck.
Here's the last of our cash.
1, 150...
1, 170...
1, 190.
That's $1, 300 each.
Wow. Have a nice life
with that, Princess.
- I'll economize.
- Sure.
You can do your own hair,
your own nails.
They actually have some
great shoes at Wal-Mart.
Ugh! All right.
One more con,
but only if we do it right.
What does that mean?
It means no more
small-time crap.
It has to be big.
One big final score
to pay off the I.R.S...
and set me up on my own.
What are you talking about?
Palm Beach.
Palm Beach?
Forget it.
People that rich are
already suspicious.
It's too hard to play.
Palm Beach or nothing.
Too expensive.
Let's find something else.
I am home.
Now, what's the best way
to get a room?
I was thinking
the Trogdon Triangle.
Right. But where are
we going to find...
a trumpet and a talking parrot?
I was thinking of
something simple, traditional.
The Flopper Diver.
No way am I-
Oh!
Oh, my God.
She's cracked
her head open.
Oh, darling!
Oh, careful!
You may be paralyzed.
Call a doctor.
But I'm-I'm sure
she'll be fine.
I think I'm-
Just please let me know if
there's anything else we can do.
Well, you might consider
investing in a mop.
Once again, I apologize.
Now, since we seem...
to have lost your reservation...
we can only let you have
this suite for one night.
Aah!
Uh, then I'm sure we
can work something out.
Could everyone please
just let her rest now?
Yeah. Hey!
Don't you ever flop me
without my consent.
Oh! It had to look
real, Sweetheart.
You fall lousy when
you know it's coming.
I fall fine!
Fake.
Oh, shut up!
Hey! Oh, no!
Cheat!
No, stop!
Hey, boss, just got
3 Camrys in-cherry.
Parts will bring
100 thou easy.
Great.
And the change of
title came through...
on the Mercedes.
You have to sign.
That bitch.
You know, this is,
like, the eighth frame...
we've gone through
in a week.
Maybe it's time
to retire this picture.
Why the hell can't I stop
thinking about her?
Was it the legs?
She had amazing legs.
Give me that!
Or maybe it was
that she dumped you...
'cause that's never
happened before.
Yeah...yeah.
Who the hell does
she think she is?
She thinks she can do this
to me and just walk out?
Well, she's wrong!
I'm gonna find her.
And then?
Then I'm gonna take care of it.
Dr. Arnold Davis.
Made huge money
when an old uncle died...
45, pretty good shape.
Who's the old bag?
His mom.
She lives with him.
Forget it. He's taken.
Mama's boy.
We can get around her.
Pass. Mothers are death.
Can't argue that.
David D. Cummings...
760 million.
E- commerce stuff...
just ended
marriage number 3.
Downside?
Very big on ironclad prenups...
and as you can see,
massive competition.
We could handle him.
We'd have to be into
a group kind of thing.
Menage a trois?
Try menage a cinq.
Ew. Pass.
Wow. William B. Tensy.
C.E.O. of Tensy Tobacco.
Old money, but also
just plain old.
How much?
3 billion with a few
million more every day.
Hmm...
Not "hmm." I am not
dating the walking dead.
Page, the older the better.
With luck they die
right after the wedding...
and then you're
talking widow money.
I'd have to kiss that?
Well, I'd have to kiss
that way more than you.
Well, maybe you're
into necrophilia.
We'd better work fast.
Why for once can't
we pick someone...
who's just a little bit cute?
Dean was kind of cute.
You're in serious denial.
Cute is dangerous.
Cute leads to feeling,
which leads to screwing...
which leads to screwed.
I know that we can make that
doctor and his mom work for us.
Page, we're going with
Tensy, and that's that.
That is not that.
Look, if you want to go
with Tensy, go with Tensy.
I'm working Davis.
Page, I've told you before,
no simultaneous cons.
Too many angles.
They always go bad.
Yeah, but it's not
just that, is it?
What?
You don't think I can be
the primary, do you?
I didn't say that.
Although it does take
an enormous amount of skill.
I can make men do anything.
Boys. You can make
boys do anything.
Gas station attendants,
bartenders...
the occasional migrant worker...
a one-shot seduction
is child's play...
compared to getting someone
to marry you in 3 months.
4 months.
What?
Well, it took you
4 months this time.
You used to be
able to do it in 3.
What are you saying?
That I'm losing it?
I'm getting too old?
I didn't say that.
I'm in terrific shape.
Feel my butt.
Ugh. I am not feeling
your butt again, Mother.
We all know it's wonderful.
I'll tell you what.
We'll play for it.
Winner picks the mark.
Great.
We'll cut cards.
Right. I'm gonna
trust your cards?
See that guy
over there at the bar?
First one to get him
to buy her a drinkwins.
Deal.
Hi.
Hot.
Yeah, sure is.
Oh!
Let me get that for you.
Oh, my!
Would you?
Sure.
Oh, you're so kind.
I'm Betty.
- Hi. My name-
- Excuse me...
may I grab your nuts?
Mmm.
Salty.
Are you OK?
Can I get you a drink?
We go with Tensy.
Stupid jerk!
He doesn't look so bad-
in this light.
Yeah, his liver spots
are positively glowing.
All right, let's run
through it one more time.
I know what to do.
Got a light?
Yeah.
Your trash is on fire.
Holy shit!
Set.
Good. Now stay by the phone.
Timing on this is crucial.
Duh!
Always treating me like a child.
Child!
Excuse me, sir,
but smoking is not permitted.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Nazi.
Oh!
Pardon me.
Is no crime.
OK, Dr. Davis, let's see
where you're going tonight.
Good start, Page.
Crap!
Davis residence.
Yeah, Arnold Davis, please.
I'm sorry, he's just left.
Oh, no. This is-
He left me a message.
I'm supposed
to meet him tonight-
I can't read
my maid's handwriting-
Who is this?
This is-
Stupid cell phone.
Mrs. Whiler?
Right. Right.
This is Mrs. Whiler.
I believe he said the Glades.
Right. And that's on?
I think it's on
the far end of Ocean.
Great. Cutting out. Thank-
Hi. Can I get you a drink?
Wow. I've never heard
that one before.
You really blow me away
with your creativity.
- Well, I-
- Well, I...
Your recovery is even better.
Do you even care
at all who I am?
I mean, I could be
the Antichrist or have...
the intelligence of a thermos,
but unfortunately...
those are not the matters
the male penis ponders.
So, please, tell me...
why did you walk
all the way over here...
to ask to get me a drink?
Well, because I'm the bartender.
Oh.
Martini, very dry.
Sure.
Our next item is
an exquisite piece...
from the Kerner estate...
a stunning work
by Feodor Tergeniev...
entitled Form in Repose.
I'm looking for
an opening bid of 130, 000.
Very good. I have 130.
Do I hear 140?
Thank you.
Do I hear 150?
150, 000.
I am offer 170.
Was that 175, sir?
I'll take that.
175, 000.
I have 180.
Do I hear 190?
Do I hear 190?
I really must hear a number
or see a paddle, sir.
I think he-
Yes, ma'am,
I have your bid.
It's to you
at $180, 000.
Going once...
twice...
sold-
to the persistent
woman on my right.
Thanks.
You did good.
Bye.
Uh, that's $3.50.
I'll flip you for it.
Call it.
- No, we don't really-
- Call it!
Tails.
Heads. Oh, too bad.
Thanks.
Well, Jack, looks like
she got a free drink...
and one of your balls.
Nah, I just think she's
nervous being on her own.
Oh, yeah.
She's a delicate flower.
Oh, wait!
I think I see crack.
- That's just his butt, lady.
- Let me see.
Hmm.
Hmm. Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Ooh.
Looks good.
From where I'm standing...
hmm.
Oh!
Oh, my God!
Oh!
What, what?
What is the matter?
My-my beautiful man.
He ruined.
Ruined!
I'm sure we can have
this expertly repaired.
No. Man thing off,
deal off.
What good is to me now?
He has no "pipiska."
Mother, did you have any
trouble finding the place?
This is beyond civilization.
It was impossible
to find.
Son of a bitch!
Ow!
Ow! Ow!
Oh!
I'm so sorry.
Get away from him!
Get away!
I told you it was dangerous to
come to these low-class bars.
It stings, Mama.
It stings so bad.
Oh, mother will help you.
The retina is detached.
I know it! Ow!
Are you OK now?
Yes. You idi-
"Idi" what?
Yeah.
Subject is en route.
He'll pass the checkpoint
in 10 minutes.
Everything set?
Yeah. Of course.
What's wrong, Page?
Mother can tell
something's wrong.
Mother knows nothing.
I'm following
right behind him...
so be sure
to remove the spikes.
And he mustn't see you.
He must think no one else
is around so we can bond.
I know, I know.
You're driving me crazy.
Well, you're driving me crazy.
Well, that answers
the question of whether...
you're already
in a relationship.
Since you can't seem
to read my subtle signals...
I'll help you out.
Piss off!
Everyone is a little
irritable after they choke.
Two headlights.
That's not him. Crap.
That was wrong
on so many levels.
- You!
- What happened?
What are you doing here?
- I followed you.
- More like stalked me.
Listen, mouth breather,
I am fully capable...
and really in the mood
to kick the shit out of...
your psychotic, skulking ass.
Does this look familiar?
Might be mine.
Well, if you're not sure...
Thanks! Now go.
Look, my car doesn't drive
so good with a tree in it.
What a baby!
It's a flat. I'll fix it.
Wait, first we better go clear
that stuff out of the road.
Another car could-
No! I'll do it.
Just get the spare.
Now!
Look, I'm willing to explore...
the whole being
dominated thing, OK?
But let's just take it slow.
- Uh-oh!
- Watch out!
Oh!
Oh!
What did you push me for?
I saved you, you moron.
That can't be good.
I'd better check it out.
Oh, wait, wait!
I'm hurt.
No, you're not.
Nothing could hurt you.
Are you calling me a liar?
All right,
where are you hurt, then?
My ankle.
See?
What the hell?
Perfect.
Oh!
No!
Jeez, they're really
piling up... up there.
My ankle.
Your ankle is fine.
I'm going.
Are you mixing medications?
You're ruining the magic, idiot.
I'm much sorry.
Must be glass in road.
Ah, the statue stealer.
Why is it whenever I see you...
things seem to be
going into the crapper?
You have head injury.
I rush you to hospital.
No, no, no.
I don't. No. No.
The police will
be along shortly...
and they'll sort this out.
Ooh!
See?
Delayed shooting head pains.
Come. To hospital we go.
What about your car?
You have flat tires.
Oh, is nothing.
Ooh.
What the hell are you doing?
Get off me!
What?
- You were the one who...
- I got to go.
How do I look?
If I were a guy, I'd do you.
You're sweet.
I'm going back to the hospital
to see if I can fix...
the mess you made last night.
With that on,
he'll forgive anything.
He better...
for your sake.
Be nice or I won't tell you
which eye looks bigger.
Which?
- Are you going to be nice?
- I'm always nice.
The left.
Here, use my eyeliner.
Shit.
I want my purse, jerk-off.
That's not very friendly.
Now, I want you
to go back out...
and this time,
when you kick the door open...
say something nice.
You stole my purse, dipshit...
and you stole it so I'd have to
see your ugly-ass face again.
No, you forgot your purse
for the second time...
because you were in such
a hurry to strand me...
- in the middle of nowhere.
- Look, just give it to me.
Or would you rather have
my heel up your ass?
Who told you I'm into that?
Pretty rough on
the boss, weren't you?
You know, he's not
really into ass play.
That's just, like,
his sense of humor.
He owns this place?
Yeah, his dad left it to him.
Of course, all these
development creeps...
are trying to give him,
like, 3 mil for the place.
Whole world's going to be
Gaps and Starbucks, right?
He's loaded.
Good, Page.
Greetings.
Oh, it's you.
Doctors don't want me to smoke.
It's ridiculous.
They depend on cigarettes.
A perfect scapegoat
for their incompetence.
I assume you're here
about the insurance.
My attorneys will
take care of it.
That won't be necessary.
I have no want to sue you.
Sue me?
My people will tear you a new...
I am only come
to see how you feel...
my poor, poor, Babushka.
That's very nice of you, Mrs...
Miss.
Just call me...
Ulga.
- Ulga?
- Mmm.
Well, that's lovely, Ulga.
Yes?
I am Ulga Yevanova.
I am here to...
Yes. We've been expecting you.
I am Miss Madress.
I run this household.
Oh, good for you.
I will announce you.
We have a bitch alert.
Come on, bartender.
It's your night off.
Do something fun.
Good boy.
I love it here.
It's the only
bloody place left...
that doesn't make you feel
like a serial killer...
for having a damn smoke.
Yes, is lovely.
I'll be your waiter
tonight-Vladimir.
Allow me to tell you
tonight's specials.
No need for English
tonight, Vlad.
We have one of
your country women here.
Oh, wonderful.
So, tonight we have...
Da.
Da. Da.
Excellent choice.
The steak tartare.
Oh, I love a woman
who eats raw meat.
That's real nice!
You're not just going
to stand there.
Help me.
Please.
Isn't that the shoe you
wanted to jam up my ass?
No, that was the 6-inch heel.
Now come on.
What are you doing here?
Uh...working.
Working?
You some kind of wilderness
female mud wrestler?
I am an environmentalist
studying the effect...
of waste run of from
the neighboring wetlands.
Oh, well...
you environmentalists
really dress hot.
Yeah, well...
there's no law that says
you can't look good...
while you're saving stuff.
So, why are you following me?
- I'm not following you!
- Then what are you doing here?
Come on, I'll show you.
You're not out here burying
high-school kids, are you?
Well, they egged my car.
What do you do?
Spy on people humping in boats?
That's so perverted.
I photograph stars.
Look, just because
they're famous...
doesn't mean they don't deserve
their privacy, too.
Who you got?
The stars up there.
You sneak all the way out here
to stare at space and shit?
No, I come here to get away
from the lights of the city...
so I can see
the space and shit.
- Why?
- Take a look.
Jesus.
That's the Crab Nebula.
That is the exact color
of a sapphire ring I wanted.
OK.
And this...
is the great
globular cluster in Hercules.
I don't think
I want to see that.
Wow.
Good cluster.
And I think you can also see
the Corona Borealis, too.
Wait, wait, I'm not done
with the globular thing.
OK...
I love to watch a woman eat.
It is surely one of
the most sensual acts.
Is such joy to hear
my native tongue again.
I deeply appreciate
what you say, and...
what you don't say.
Oh, William,
so much loudness.
Can we not go somewhere
I can relate to you...
orally.
All right.
Who will favor us
with next song?
We have a fellow
country woman here.
No, I am so...
Please, I am so not musical.
- Please, uh...
- How about "Karabuschka?"
I know there isn't
a Russian alive...
who doesn't know "Karabuschka!"
Karabuschka
Da, da, da
Moscow
Leningrad
Minsk...
Oh, you know,
I am just fooling.
I am so full
of good humor.
Flew in from
Miami Beach B.O.A.C.
Didn't get to bed last night
On the way the paper bag
was on my knee
Man, I had a dread ful flight
I'm back in the U.S.S.R.
You don't know
how lucky you are, boy
Back in the U.S.S.R.
Been away so long
I hardly knew the place
Gee, it's good to be back home
Leave it till tomorrow
to unpack my case
Honey, disconnect the phone
I'm back in the U.S.S.R.
You don't know
how lucky you are, boy
Back in the U.S.
Back in the U.S.S.R.
Look, there's another one.
Oh, there's two at once.
Did you see that?
Yeah.
God, I never knew you could
have this much fun for free.
Well, it's not completely free.
So, are you ready
to tell me the truth?
What?
Tell me why
you're here, really.
I told you,
I'm an environmentalist...
student at
the University of Miami.
What? You don't believe me?
Well, I'd like to, but...
What about my butt?
- Ooh, I got to go.
- Again?
- Yeah, I have work to do.
- It's 11:00 at night.
I know, but I have to write
an environmental impact report.
Will it mention me?
- Wait! What's your name?
- Uh, Jane.
Will I see you again?
Try wishing on a star.
Is that 5 people?
Keys are in it.
Hey, Mom.
How did it go?
Perfect.
His infatuation
is right on schedule.
You know, you're home now.
You can stop
with the accent.
- What's that?
- What's what?
- Mud?
- I gave myself a facial...
some special local stuff.
I think I'll to take a nice
long shower and go to bed.
Good night.
Smoking is part of
the fun of being a kid.
We just did some tests
on some 9-year-olds.
After a little puking...
why, you couldn't drag them
away from the stuff.
You're only young once.
Why not indulge, I always say.
Oh, darling, what matter?
Head pain back again?
No, no, it's all right.
- I have a gift for you.
- A gift?
A gift! Oh!
Oh, a personal fire device.
I'm not insisting
you take up smoking...
but I thought it would
give you some incentive.
There is nothing sexier
than smoke billowing proudly...
out of a woman's hot,
red, engorged nostrils.
That image will haunt me.
Still a little sleepy, my dear?
Oh, no, no, it was
another wonderful night.
I think that I deserve
a big kiss for that big gift.
Oh, yes.
Is no getting
around that.
Oh, oh, no.
We mustn't.
God is everywhere.
Yes, he is, isn't he?
Nosy bastard.
I'll have Miss Madress
get your purse.
Is he that repulsive to you?
No. Is Russian
expression of happiness.
Ptui, ptui,
oh, I am so happy.
Save it.
I'm on to you.
You're attracted to me?
Oh, flattering,
but I no do females.
I've been with him for 7 years.
I've seen him with many women.
I've never worried.
Passing amusements.
But you, oh, you're good, baby.
I no understand.
What is you want?
I is want your ex-commie ass
out of his life.
I didn't put up
with his crap for years...
just to be squeezed out
right before he kicks.
I've put in the time,
and I expect a big payoff.
Oh, you must believe,
I have true feelings for him.
Oh, spare me
your Bolshevik bullshit.
Either you disappear...
or I tell him exactly
what I saw.
Your dark honesty
is refreshing...
but please, I beg you...
Leave me one more night
to bow out gracefully.
I have something for you.
I know it's not the sapphire
you wanted, but...
It sure isn't.
It's a meteor fragment.
Like the ones
we were watching?
That's been to the far reaches
of our solar system and back.
No lousy sapphire has
ever pulled that off.
You don't do anything
like normal people, do you?
Some things.
Kitchen's through there.
Master bedroom's upstairs.
Her room is down the hall.
You have 7 minutes.
Here you go.
The thing that's screwing us...
is all this secondhand
smoke nonsense.
They've convicted
the tobacco companies...
without a shred of evidence.
Hmm...is oddness.
What?
Costly lighter gift
you gave is missing.
Oh, you must have
left it somewhere.
Never. I cherish too much.
Perhaps...
No.
Is inconceivablish.
What is inconceivablish?
Well, your housekeep
did much admire...
and when she give me purse
to leave yesterday, was open.
Sir, I swear to you...
I would never take so much as
a hairpin from this household.
Is this not clothing
you wear yesterday...
when you see me out?
Hello.
She set me up.
She could have slipped that
into my pocket any time.
You doubt me?
Oh, William.
Oh, how you can sleep
on so lumpy a...
My wife's old jewelry.
Why you are stealing from
loyal, kind employer man?
No! It's her.
Can't you see?
You bitch!
My cigarettes?
I feel like vomiting.
Oh, please, Mr. Tensy.
I have been a dedicated
and trust worthy servant...
for over 7 years.
Look into my eyes.
You must believe in my complete
and total innocence.
If it's at all possible...
could you slap her around
a little bit?
That's very good, Darling.
You're doing better.
Come on, let's hear
a little pain.
I've set you up with
an interview...
for Tensy's housekeeper
position tomorrow.
Tomorrow?
That's Saturday.
Well, there are no weekends
in conning, dear.
I'll go the first thing Monday.
No, you'll go tomorrow.
We can't take the chance of
someone else getting that job.
You have to start
getting close to him now.
My god, he's days away
from popping the question.
No way.
You couldn't have gotten
him that far this fast.
Have you really
learned so little?
One month flat.
That's a new record.
Mom's still got it.
Jack, I'm still
coming to the game.
I just may be a little late,
that's all.
Well, hey, I'm sure
the van can wait...
for, like, 5 minutes.
Look, I-I'll probably
make it on time anyway.
I gotta go.
Bye.
Sorry I'm running late,
Miss Breckenhall, but...
I've been losing consciousness
more frequently lately.
Allergy season, I think.
Well, it's no problem at all...
But please, call me Allison.
Oh, well...
Allison, I-
I just have a few
questions to ask you.
Do you smoke, Allison?
- No.
- No.
Well, uh...
we gotta go!
She said she'd be
a little late.
20 minutes
is not a little.
We've entered
stood-up territory.
Then I worked for
the English Ambassador...
to Turkey for 41/2 years,
until they shot him.
Oh, they shot him?
But I kept cleaning...
right up until they
burned the embassy down.
Well, that was very loyal.
So, when should I start?
If you could just...
fill out
this application form...
then I can, uh...
verify your employment.
Oh, certainly.
Oh! Oh!
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Oh...
I'll get towel.
Y- You seem very dedicated
to your work, Allison.
Something inside me-
this need to please my employer
in any way possible.
Here is towel.
And I find other
employment form.
Oh, well...
I- I don't think
that'll be necessary.
Allison seems...
more than qualified.
Hmm, it's still wet.
Not bad, huh?
Oh, what?
It's just a little hacky...
to go right for
the member massage.
What are you doing
the rest of today?
Oh, um, I don't know.
Beach, nap, nothing.
See ya.
Shit!
Shit! Shit! Shit!
You really are
a delicate flower.
Jack!
You missed the game.
Why didn't you go?
I don't know.
My friends have
this theory that...
I'm in love with you.
Hello, Daughter.
What are you doing here?
I thought you'd be
out with Tensy.
Sometimes people aren't where
they say they're going to be.
Oh, well, I got bored
hanging around here...
so I took myself out for a walk.
Bullshit.
I saw you with your boy friend.
You spied on me?
So, this is why you've been
being so nice to me.
I have not been nice to you.
You betray me
for some bartender.
That bartender
happens to own the bar...
and has a firm offer
to sell for 3 million.
You're not ready, Page.
Yeah, so not ready
that I already got him...
to say he loves me.
I mean you're not
ready to con a guy...
without falling
in love yourself.
Give me a break.
I am in complete control.
I saw the kiss.
Your eyes were closed.
That was the sun.
Last time the sun
got in my eyes...
I wound up
with a daughter.
Yeah, and that's just
about the worst thing...
that ever happened
to you, isn't it?
I'm a pro, Mother,
and I'll prove it.
There, nothing...
but the best from you.
Well, give me a chance
to make it even better.
Crap!
- What's wrong?
- I got ta go.
- Why?
- Because I'm no good for you.
I'll be the judge
of that.
No, I just-
you have to trust me.
I am not a good person.
No, you are good.
You may not know it,
but I do.
You come on tough,
but it's all just an act.
I mean, you
don't even believe...
in sleeping together
before marriage.
You're like a Brady
or an Osmond or something.
Look, you don't get it, OK?
I haven't been
completely honest with you.
Look, I know you're not
really an environmentalist.
Who cares?
The important thing is...
I love you
and I want to be with you.
I got ta go.
You win.
I drop the con.
- It's for the best, Dear.
- Shut up, Mother.
Barbara!
You are a lifesaver.
To pull that job off
on such short notice-
I was taught by the best.
I had a blast.
I've been out of
the game for so long...
I've forgotten how much
fun it could be-
even though we were
conning your own daughter...
who I haven't seen
since she was what, 4?
But we weren't conning her.
We were protecting her.
She wanted to run
off on her own...
and this was the only
way to stop her.
You know, you won't be
able to stop her forever.
I know that.
You know, Page is an amazing,
brilliant, talented girl.
But she's still green.
When she's ready...
I'll be the first
one to tell her.
And you're sure
she's not ready now?
I just caught her
kissing some loser...
with her eyes closed.
Really?
I'll get this.
Classy.
I'm still learning from you.
Sweetie, I'm home.
Sounds like a good day.
Yeah, it was fantastic.
Yech, what is Tensy...
Like, the largest
producer of phlegm...
on the East Coast?
I just officially quit smoking.
Well, the good news
keeps on coming.
Hey, I got a killer
dress for tonight.
That, plus the official
letter cannot fail.
- You want to see?
- No. I'm going out for a walk.
Ok, well, uh...
I'm already late.
Jane, Jane!
Don't hang up!
You gotta give up
on that girl, man.
Yeah, there's something
weird about her.
Yeah, but that's what I liked.
Me, too.
What are you doing here?
I was coming to you.
Let me in.
I have a surprise.
Uh, moment.
I'm, uh...naked.
I don't see a problem there.
Here I come!
- Oh, my.
- Completely restored.
Only 7,000 for a new willy.
It's so nice.
But, uh...
William, you know
how the Lord feels...
about having men in hotel room.
even a man who has ordered...
champagne and oysters
from room service?
It's OK. I didn't
charge it to your room.
I cannot anymore see you.
Why on earth not?
Oh, let us leave at that.
Make pain less.
Good-bye forever.
No, no. What is
this all about?
"We regret to in form you
that your application...
"for permanent residence
has been denied.
"you must leave the country
no later than tomorrow."
I try everything, but is
very political red tape...
to get green card,
and I am loophole less.
Well...
this is horrible.
And to think I was going
to ask you to marry me.
Marry you?
Yes, yes, I, uh...
purchased a ring
and everything.
But with your leaving...
I am but ignorant,
unintelligible foreigner...
but if you marry me,
I believe that puts, uh...
kibosh on deportation.
- Really?
- Yes.
Oh, Ulga...
Ulga...
Will you-
What? What?
- Marry me?
- Ohh...marry you?
Oh, is legal question.
Yes, I will, is binding answer.
Leave me alone.
I'm engaged!
We're talking a settlement
of 20 million minimum!
Oh, we're finally
set for life, Darling!
I just have time
for one quickwhoo!
- I said whoo.
- Why won't you talk to me?
There's nothing to say.
I scared you when I told you
I loved you, didn't I?
Jack, there is no love.
It's just a trick of
the brain...
a combination of
hormones and chemicals.
Then why are you here?
Tell me to my face
you don't love me.
I don't love you.
Wow, that was more believable
than I thought it would be.
Look, I know I freaked you out
by moving too fast...
with all that
"I love you" stuff.
So, let's just...
get married.
I gotta go.
Oh!
That is jarring.
My love, tonight
we will celebrate...
this ecstatic joining
of our spirits...
with the union...
of our aching bodies.
Oh, you have
stomach cramp again.
No, no, no. I ache
for you, my pumpkin.
- Let's hump.
- Oh, William, my religion!
- Humping is not yet allowed.
- Oh, of course it is.
I proposed, you accepted.
To God, everything
else is just paper work.
Oh, William, I insist
we wait till after wedding.
Ulga, I am much more
powerful than you.
Just relax and enjoy it.
Oh, always something
in your mouth.
Are you dead?
Why me?!
Oh, wake up,
you disgusting shit!
20 million.
- What?
- I need you here.
Wow.
That's real attractive.
We gotta get him out of here...
and make it look like
he died at his house, alone.
Room service.
Let's get him to the bedroom.
Ok...
too far.
Uh, balcony?
Oh, just-
just hold him.
I'll be right back.
Champagne and oysters.
All this just for you?
Oh, yes.
I mean, someone is joining me.
I'll open the champagne.
That's all right.
I'll take care of it.
Thank you.
It's, uh...
tip's included when
it's paid for, good night.
Aah!
I ask you to do
one simple thing.
Oh, I don't consider holding
a 500-pound corpse simple.
Ok, if you hadn't
flung open the door-
I didn't fling it!
Look, we just have to get
the body back to the house...
and everything will be fine.
Have you seen her?
Dean.
Shit!
Angela!
I'll meet you by Tensy
in 5 minutes.
- He looks really pissed.
- I'll handle him. Go!
Oh, god.
Angela, stop!
I have missed you
so much! So much!
I can't stop
thinking about you.
I've never been so
in love with anybody...
in my whole, entire life.
I'm begging you, please.
Please, just give me
one more chance.
One more chance.
Marry me again.
What?
Get up.
How'd you find me?
The title for
the Mercedes came through.
It listed this place
as your temporary address.
I drove straight through
just so I could see you.
Your hair's different.
It looks really pretty.
I like it.
Come here, give me a kiss.
No.
Oh, no. No, no, no.
Angela, I've changed.
I've totally changed.
Look, look, look.
This place is crawling
with prime trim.
I'm barely even noticing.
I...can't deal
with this right now.
No, no, no.
Angela, listen to me.
I'm not leaving without you.
I love you...
and I don't care
who hears it.
I love her. I love her.
I love her. I love her!
What do you want
me to do?
I- I'll sing.
You want me to sing?
Come fly with me
Come fly, come fly
Shut up!
What do you want, baby?
I'll do anything.
Anything?
I had no idea
you were into this stuff.
I've been trying a lot
of new things lately.
Oh, no, no.
Wait, wait.
I don't know about that.
Are you questioning me?
No. No, no, no. It's just-
Kiss my foot and apologize.
I'm sorry.
Good boy.
Ooh, yes.
Now, I'm just gonna
get some whipped cream.
I got no problem with that.
I'll be right back.
Hurry up.
Careful, we don't want
any more damage to the body.
Yeah.
Housekeeping!
You want your bed
turned down?
Housekeeping.
Look. I don't need anything.
Please, just get lost.
Lady!
You know,
I've been cleaning...
this room for 3 weeks,
and so far, no tip.
Fine. There's 20 bucks
in my pants over there.
20?
How about I sit
on your kinky face
for a while... while
you think about that.
OK, OK, OK. 50!
That's more like it.
Unbelievable.
Both of these
wallets yours?
Two wallets?
Untie me.
Now, that'll be another 20.
All right.
He's sleeping.
He wakes up having...
one of his famous
coughing fits...
flails around and falls
right onto the statue...
becoming penilely impaled.
That's believable, right?
I just really need
a shower.
Where's the penis?
It's still there.
It's just the rigor
mortis is gone...
so there's no wood.
Not his, the statue's.
Oh. It's still
in the car.
I'll get it.
There you go.
Oh, this is-
This is unbelievable.
Oh. Oh, God.
Oh, God.
You are so enormous.
OK.
Oh, God, please.
You gold-digging whore.
You're already working
someone else, huh?
Get off of her, asshole.
Get off, asshole.
- Don't shoot him, Dean.
- Why not?
Because he's already dead.
Oh, you are one sick slut.
I am not a sick slut.
One penis coming up, mom.
Wendy?
Uh, hello.
Mom?
You're her mother?
It's just a nickname.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my god.
You two played me.
Oh, no. No.
That whole marriage
was bullshit...
and this one you even offed!
We didn't off him.
He coughed himself
to death.
Yeah, right.
You let your
own daughter seduce me?
Do you have any idea...
how much therapy
you people need?
Look, Dean.
I don't blame you
for being upset.
We did an awful thing.
For the first time,
I feel really bad about it...
but maybe, despite
all this craziness...
there's still hope
for us after all?
There's more hope for you
and him than there is for us.
Dean, please
tell me it's OK.
I love you.
Forget it.
Fine!
Look. You brought
this on yourself.
- You cheated on me.
- You set me up to cheat!
We can't make a scumbag...
do anything a scumbag
wouldn't do anyway.
Shut up, junior slut.
Get over there.
You know, you two
got some brass balls...
in those panties,
I'll give you that.
In the few moments
you have left...
Ii want to see some begging
and some pleading.
Uh, Mom?
Dean, you got so many tells.
You are not the killing type.
Don't screw with me.
I'm on a fine edge here.
Don't!
See? No bullets.
Fine. So I'm not
that big on homicide...
but I could do worse.
I found all your I.D.s,
all your aliases...
and I'm gonna
get them to the cops...
when they start investigating
decomposing boy, here.
You two are gonna dry up
in some filthy lesbo lockdown...
with bad lighting!
I don't have to kill you
to kill you.
No.
Dean, wait!
Look. What if we gave
you back your money?
Well?
I stopped walking, didn't I?
But first
you got to help us...
make it look like
this creep died here...
alone and peaceful...
so there's no questions.
You know how to do that?
I'm from Jersey, aren't I?
Boy, Dean was really
incredible with that body.
Well, are you gonna
let me in on the play?
What play?
You promised
that mook 300,000.
When we take him
to the bank tomorrow...
we're only gonna be,
oh, about 300,000 short.
- The money will be there.
- What?
I don't want a big
scene about this, Page...
but Mrs. Vogal from the I.R.S.
Was more of a "protecting you
from making the worst mistake...
of your life" thing
than it was...
a "the government came
and took all our money" thing.
- What?
- I pulled a tiny little con...
to keep you from leaving.
Oh, you bitch!
You bitch!
Hey, look, wait!
Stop it.
You're gonna kill us!
Stop it!
There seems to be a problem with
your account, Ms. Conners.
It was closed yesterday.
That's impossible.
What the hell is going on?
Nothing, I swear.
Here's the signature.
Barbara.
Wait!
I gave my old partner
all my account numbers...
for the I.R.S. Scam...
and that hag ripped off
every penny we ever stole!
Tell your fairy tales
to your cellmates.
Look. For once,
she's telling the truth.
And I'm gonna believe
the seed of Satan?
Skank, give me
the keys to my car.
Give me the keys
to the Mercedes.
That's it.
Good-bye.
I can't believe it.
I can't believe this.
I've blown both our lives.
I'm sorry, Page.
I'm a terrible person.
I'm a terrible mother.
I'm a terrible everything.
You're finally
seeing things clearly.
What the hell
are you doing?
You want money?
The guy who wants to marry me is
worth 1.5 in a divorce.
She's just gonna
screw with him again.
Hugely.
I'm sorry.
I was just wondering...
how long you're
gonna stay this time.
Look.
I know that
I've been horrible...
but all this talk
about love and marriage...
it can make anyone act freaky.
I know that I must seem
like a mean, selfish bitch...
No, you seem like
the sweetest...
most wonderful person
I've ever met.
What a moron.
Friends...
employees...
beer wholesaler...
I have an announcement.
Jane and I
are getting married.
That is awesome!
Yeah!
Jane, come here.
So, uh, Jack,
now that you have some, uh...
extra responsibilities,
that doesn't mean...
you're gonna change your mind
and sell this place, does it?
No, we'll do just fine.
Thanks, man.
Sell what, honey?
Oh, nothing.
Just some guys offered me...
3 million for the bar
and the land.
3 million?
That sounds like something.
Well, yeah,
but this place was my dad's.
You know, it's home.
It's too late, anyway.
They got another lot
down the road.
There's no money.
I'm bailing.
No. Wait!
You can still get...
a decent settlement
out of this guy.
He'll lose the bar.
This is wrong.
It's over.
What the hell
is your daughter doing...
growing a conscience
on my score?
Don't make her do this.
I'll figure a way
to get you your money.
No. I'm tired of waiting.
We're doing it.
May I have this dance?
I- Jack.
Uh-oh.
- You gotta go.
- I gotta go.
Is that who
I think it is?
Jane!
It is. How are you, darling?
Pissed off.
We were just on our way
to see you at the hotel...
but we thought
we'd stop by here...
for a drink.
Hi.
This isn't Jack, is it?
Jane is always going
on and on about you.
I think she's in love!
I'm Betty,
Jane's second cousin...
and this is my brother.
Vinny-Vinny Staggliano.
I'm afraid you caught us
at a weird time.
I just asked Jane
to marry me, and-
Oh! That's great!
Congratulations.
Actually, I think she's having
second thoughts.
That's just the way our Jane is.
Yeah, but she gets
over it, though...
especially now that family's
here to give her a little shove.
Come on, you two...
why don't you
kiss and make up?
- I'm not really in the mood.
- Go on. Kiss.
That's nice.
There you go.
I think your relatives
are gonna like Bill's boat.
Who cares what they like?
Nice boat.
Ooh! Oh, oh!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so clumsy.
That's OK.
How you doing, Skippy?
Hey.
Hey, you.
I got the lotion.
Who's got the hands?
Don't look at me.
I don't like getting
all gunky.
Jack, would you mind?
Sure.
You are the most kind,
wonderful man.
Look at all the fish!
Got it.
This is gonna be a fun trip.
I honestly don't know why...
you'd want to wear
an off-the-shoulder.
This is what I want,
and it looks fine.
Fine.
What would I know?
I've only been married
13 times.
All right, I'm coming out.
You better be nice.
I'm always nice.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
Fine. If you're
gonna be sarcastic.
I'm not being sarcastic.
It's perfect.
Really?
There's nothing
you would change?
Not a thing.
Oh, my god.
Well, I might just...
see what it looks like
without this in here.
I take it back.
No. No.
I...like that idea.
So...
Mother likes it?
- Oh, I'm not...
- she's not my mother.
You really are good at this.
I'm almost buying it.
Ladies and gentlemen...
friends and family...
we have come here today...
to celebrate
two wonderful people...
who have managed
to find each other...
in this sometimes
seemingly cold world...
and pledge their hearts.
Do you, Jack Withrowe...
take this woman to be
your lawful wedded wife...
to love her, honor her,
and cherish her...
until death do you part?
I do.
And do you, Jane helstrom...
take this man to be your
lawful wedded husband...
to love, honor,
and to cherish him...
until death do you part?
I do.
What?
I do.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife...
and you may kiss the bride.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give to you...
- Mr. And Mrs. Withrowe.
- Shut up.
Wise men say
Only fools rush in
But I can't help
Falling in love with you...
Here.
Make sure he sees
you drinking a lot.
That won't be hard.
There's my wonderful new
daughter-in-law.
Are you avoiding me?
Uh, no.
I gotta go.
Don't let it bother you.
She's shyer than shit.
Uh, what is it you do,
Mr. Staggliano?
College professor.
Uh, what do you teach?
College stuff.
What are you,
a fucking cop?
- Congratulations.
- Thank you.
I'll only need 30 minutes.
It won't work.
He loves me too much.
Men don't turn women down.
Just like our first date,
only less mud.
It's beautiful.
Happy?
Always know just
the right thing to say.
I love you...
Jack.
I love you very much.
You're different, aren't you?
I mean, you would never let
anything ruin this, would you?
Well, sometimes these hotel
soaps irritate my skin.
I'm serious.
Say nothing will ruin us.
Nothing will ever
take me away...
or keep me
from loving you.
Can I have some water?
I think I drank
too much champagne.
What are you doing
out here alone?
Oh, my wife celebrated herself
into an early coma.
Oh.
Well, her loss is my gain.
Walk me to my room.
I have a wedding gift
for you.
Oh, no, that's ok.
I was just gonna-
Oh, come on.
You can't turn down
a wedding gift, you know.
It's bad luck.
- I never heard that.
- Sure.
Everything to do with
weddings is bad luck.
Uh, I can only stay
a minute.
Will you just
relax?
OK? Sit down.
This hotel is so nice.
I'm so glad
my brother and I
decided to stay here, too.
Uh...yeah.
It's...
you, uh-ahem-mentioned
something about a gift?
You're so greedy.
But I happen to have it
right...here.
Cognac! Huh! Wow!
80 years old.
Uh, Jane is gonna love this.
Thank you so much.
Oh, oh, oh-
can't we just try some?
Please?
I thought you might not
want to wait alone.
Could be wrong. Oh!
It feels good going down,
doesn't it?
It's, uh...
it's really good.
No, thanks. I, uh...
I should be
getting back to Jane.
Jack, she's asleep.
OK? Come on.
You deserve to have...
a little bit of fun
on your wedding night.
It's just fruit.
It's just a waste of time.
He's just gonna throw her out
on her ass.
I'm not worried.
Is that why you're
melting down the remote?
Cute.
You've got a tiny bit
of cream...
right...
- I got to go.
- Oh, oh, oh. Why?
- I just can't do this.
- What's the matter?
Is it because you don't
find me attractive?
No, no. A part of me
is very, very interested...
but the other parts
are yelling...
"You just married her cousin."
Jane would never know,
I promise.
Yeah, but I would.
I could never do that
to someone I love.
You really do love her,
don't you?
Yeah...
and I really should be
getting back.
Look, I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
I feel terrible.
Please don't leave like this.
Can't we just, you know...
have a make-up drink
or something?
I'll be good, I promise.
Please?
That's it.
I'm going over there.
No. It isn't time yet.
I don't care,
you sick shit.
I can't do this to him.
You see? It hurts
when you screw around...
with people's feelings,
doesn't it?
Not as much as this.
Oh, my God.
Jane!
What?
I'm sorry.
While we are willing to admit...
some wrongdoing on
the part of my client...
given the extremely short
duration of the marriage-
No negotiation.
Give her whatever she wants.
We talked about
you not saying that.
Give her
whatever she wants.
I don't know what happened.
It was weird.
There is only one man
in the world.
What the hell
is taking so long?
Oh, relax.
You'll get your money.
You destroyed my daughter,
but you'll get it.
Hey, I was standing around
minding my own business...
when you bitches came along
and ripped out my heart...
for a game of hacky sack.
- Don't give me that.
- Come off it.
We're both the same-scum.
We are not the same.
I wasn't lying
when I said "I do."
No, you were lying
when you tried to nail Page.
Look. Where I come from,
guys make mistakes sometimes.
Didn't change the fact
that I loved you.
I just know
I wouldn't do it again.
- Because you got caught.
- No, because of what I lost.
I'm not the only guy in the
world that's ever screwed up.
Even a goody-goody like Jack
can't keep his wang
in the hangar.
- Yes, he can.
- What did you say?
Nothing.
No, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
What did you say?
I micked him.
Stryctotoxy...
somewhere
bet ween out and awake.
It just makes people
easy to handle.
Whoa. Wait a minute.
You're kidding.
He said no, and you still
let her believe...
that he went for a soil sample?
You know what?
That's a new low, even for you.
Look. You wanted your money.
What was I supposed to do...
tell her the man
you forced us to con...
was the only decent guy
she ever met?
But you know what?
This is just too sick.
I thought this whole revenge
thing was gonna be fun...
but you've done everything
you can to ruin it.
I don't even want
this guy's money now.
- Well, I don't want it, either.
- Well, I'm not taking it!
- Well, neither am I!
- Well, neither am I!
- I'll take it.
- What?!
You said
you didn't want it.
You should tell
your daughter the truth.
What for? He's only gonna
end up hurting her anyway.
She's better off with me, OK?
I'll protect her.
From what?
From love?
From pain.
Love is pain.
Life is pain.
You can't protect
anybody from it.
It's always gonna get you.
But sometimes,
life can also be good.
But you got to be open.
You got to take chances.
You got to let go.
What self-help guru moron
taught you that?
Nobody had
to teach me nothing.
It's common sense.
And Deepak Chopra
is not a moron.
I've seen a lot
of crap in my life...
but the way you're cheating
her out of any chance...
for a decent future
really sucks.
Of all the lousy things
you've done...
you should be most
ashamed of that.
And what you did to me, too-
I don't want to completely
leave that out.
- Here's your money.
- I don't want the money.
Good luck with
psycho mom here.
- What was that?
- I took care of it.
- How?
- I don't want to talk about it.
Let's just get out
of this goddamn place.
So...
where are we going-
Seattle or San Francisco?
You know, you don't
have to stay with me.
There's plenty of money for
you to set up on your own...
and you can have
all of it.
Thanks, mom.
You're the only person
in this world...
I even half-trust.
- What are you doing?
- Turning around.
Why?
- Promise you won't attack me?
- What is it?
We're traveling
at high speeds.
It would endanger
both our lives.
What is it?
Jack turned me down...
so I kind of...
I micked him.
Oh, you are the most evil,
manipulative-
You're right. I am.
I've just been so afraid
of losing you...
or of you getting hurt
like me.
But I can't protect you.
I just get you hurt
in different, sickways.
So you might as well get hurt...
in your own healthy,
normal ways-
ways you come up with
on your own...
and can't blame me for.
Oh, it's a hug.
I can pull over for a hug.
Now, don't cry too much.
You'll look like hell...
when you go back to him, OK?
You should wear
the blue dress.
Mom...
Right.
Wear whatever you want...
except what you're wearing.
What are you doing here?
You know what I'm doing here.
What, you thought
I'd still want you...
after what you did to me?
You don't? OK. Fine.
All right, wait, wait.
OK. OK. Fine.
- So I still want you.
- No kidding.
But don't you ever
cheat on me again.
- Ever. Ever!
- OK. Fine!
I mean it.
Because if one day...
you happen to notice
some gorgeous girl
giving you that
"Let's screw around" look...
just remember,
she may be working for me.
All right. Fine.
But you?
No more conning.
No more.
If you're gonna be my wife...
you've got to live
a respectable life...
chopping cars.
First you got to help me
with one thing.
Well, first you got
to help me with one thing.
You're not gonna fall asleep
on me again, are you?
I feel pretty good
about tonight.
Look. I don't
want to go in there.
The bank owns it now.
There's still some stuff
they said you left.
I cleared out everything.
Surprise!
- How?
- My name is Page.
I never realized
I could feel this way again...
that I could be so totally
in love with someone.
I feel the same way, Stanley.
- You're beautiful.
- Thank you.