- Home.
- Home.
Here's to low-balling the seller
and still getting 50,000 off
after the home inspection.
We could paint this place
today, sell it tomorrow
and still make money.
Yes, we could.
- I love you, Jack Watson.
- I love you.
Now, let me carry you over
that goddamn threshold.
Ooh! Wait, stop.
- Let's not squander the moment!
- I peed a little bit.
- Oh, God! Really? Eugh!
- No, it's OK. It's just...
The babies are pushing on my bladder.
Will you hand me a
tissue? A paper towel?
- I got it.
- Thanks, baby.
- Hi!
- New, uh...
- Sorry.
- New parents, soon to be.
Jack. Vanessa.
Hi! She pees a lot.
OK.
Come on. Ah! Oh, my God!
If it makes you feel any better,
I just peed a little bit too.
- Jesus, you are fat! Oh, my God!
- Honey! Honey!
Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- Please stop!
Oh! Oh, my God!
- Oh! Ow! Shit!
- Sweetie!
What are you doing?!
What are you doing?
I found this lamp up in the attic.
I thought I'd get it working again.
No.
Oh, shit! That hurt so bad!
Please, God, let it be.
That thing'll kill somebody.
Alright. Alright.
Oh! I know what I want you to do.
If you have time, I
would really love for you
to paint over the "Ms 13"
graffiti on the front porch,
first thing.
- My God, you're so adorable.
- Why am I...
"Ms 13". It's "MS-13".
Mara Salvatrucha. It's this
gang out of El Salvador.
It's the deadliest gang in the world.
One of the... Don't tell the Crips that.
But they're the deadliest
gang in the world.
So not only is our new house tagged,
it's tagged by a famous gang.
Yeah. It's like Banksy.
You know how much you love Banksy.
It's like that, except, you know,
with knives and face tattoos.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
This is the worst idea of our fives.
The Lower Lower Garden District?
Hm!
People don't even know
this neighbourhood exists.
No, that's actually not
true. That's not true.
White people don't know that
this neighbourhood exists.
This neighbourhood is on the upswing.
I read all about it in "Dwell".
You're not just a little
nervous in this house?
Hey.
There is not one thing to
be afraid of in this house.
- OK?
- OK.
Oh, my God! Honey! Get something!
Goodness gracious,
y'all gave me a fright!
What are you doing out there?
I'm so sorry
- I was just standin' in your breezeway
like some kind
of ne'er-do-well.
Well, come on in. Make yourself at home.
I absolutely will do
that, thank you very much.
Please allow me to introduce
myself. I am Fresnel Edmonds.
I live across the way over here.
And you are Jack and Vanessa!
Jack, you're a PhD student
at Tulane University.
How are you? Vanessa.
You are an occupational therapist
expecting your first baby.
- Yep.
- Wow. You know a lot about us.
Come on, y'all
- you can't move into the 'Maison de Sang'
and not raise a few eyebrows.
- Frenell?
- F'resnel.
It's spelled just like it sounds.
Yeah, F-apostrophe-R-E-S-N-E-L.
It's really nice to meet you.
It's very nice to meet
the two of you as well.
- Sorry we screamed.
- I'm sorry I screamed.
- Did you say 'Maison de Sang'?
- Yeah.
Oh, yeah. That's what
all the locals call it.
That's the name we've been
using for years and years.
Oh! Well, that's cool.
This place has a nickname already.
It's like 'Tara' or 'Twelve Oaks'.
- A little bit like that.
- Well, that's very Southern.
It is very Southern. What does it mean?
- 'House of Blood'.
- What?
'House of Blood'.
And, of course, the
Cajuns, they like to call it
'Lieu O Les Morts
Ne Sommeillent Jamais'.
- Oh, I like that.
- Ain't that pretty?
- I love the sound.
- And what does that one mean?
'Place where the dead never rest'.
Then, of course, there's
also 'Casa Perderosa'.
That's Spanish for 'House of the lost'.
And some call it 'the spooky
old house on down the way'.
But nothin' for y'all
to worry about. No, no.
Nobody has been murdered in
this house in a long time.
I mean, it's not like anybody
got murdered here yesterday.
Wow, see?
Nobody's been murdered here
for a long, long, long time.
- Years, it sounds like.
- I'm sorry. Did I say years?
If I did, I misspoke. There
have been very recent murders.
It's just that, uh, not
any in this calendar year.
By 'calendar year', do
you mean since January?
Exactly. None in this calendar year.
Well, that's four solid months.
Well, give or take.
Probably more like three and
a half, maybe two and a half.
I'll go, like, two months and a week.
But don't get me wrong.
It's a great house.
It got really good bones.
You mean structurally, right?
Not like there's bones
in here someplace!
Sure, sure, Vanessa.
- Let's say that's what I meant.
- Ohhh...
Well, I will now be on my way.
So if y'all need anything,
I'll always be real close by.
Goodnight to you both.
- Goodnight, F'resnel.
- Goodnight, now.
- Oh!
- Baby, can you...
Arggh!
- I apologise.
- Oh, my God! F'resnel!
Almost had the babies right there.
Let me get it. I'm sorry, y'all.
It sticks on the inside.
You gotta jimmy it a bit.
But it's real easy
to get open and closed
and get access to the
home at any point in time
during the day or
night from the outside.
OK. Thanks, F'resnel.
- Goodnight to you, now.
- Thanks. Goodnight.
- We have to get a lock on this.
- I know, I know.
What the fuck?
And while confronting the demon
that was inhabiting
the young woman's body,
Father Innocente was...
Himpaled, with an umbrella.
There was blood everywhere.
Not a very fitting end for
such a fine man of the cloth,
to be stab-bed with the
pointy end of an umbrella.
It was actually not the
pointy kind of umbrella.
It was actually one of those
little stubby umbrellas.
It had, like, the logo of
a local radio station on it.
One of those, you know?
It had the face of this
guy they call the Locador.
He's like a crazy
luchador of good times.
And his face was on the umbrella.
The umbrella comes
popping through the chest
of Father Innocente.
It pop open. His heart
still pump for a few beats.
Blood sprays everywhere.
It was not something
you forget right away.
- It's all in the report, sir.
- Yes, about the report.
There is an awful lot of details
about the impaling of Father
Innocente with the umbrella.
Next time, I don't need so many details.
Just, yeah, broad strokes.
- The gist.
- Si.
Eminence, I must tell you this.
It was probably the kind
of umbrella they give you
if you go to an event that
the radio station is hosting.
Swag.
And this is the thing that
popped through the chest.
You know, like the dinosaur. This one.
This is how it pop open,
and blood spray every place.
- It was really, really weird.
- It was really weird.
So weird.
Look, boys, I know this
was a very rough one,
but I may have another job for you.
What is the case?
It's a real doozy.
You're already playing catch-up.
Take a look at that photo.
- So gross.
- Super gross.
- Super gross.
- This is just a photograph.
In real life, it's far more horrifying.
Get your asses on the chopper.
We are going to need... some per diem.
You know that's not me, right?
I hope that wasn't for me.
- No, no, no.
- I was reminding myself.
"Go to Accounting. We're
going to need some per diem. "
Level four. The guy down
below. The hunchback.
Yeah, near the fingers of St Peter.
Don't let F'resnel get
to you even for a second.
Let me put it to you this way.
If you were gonna buy a lottery ticket,
which I know you wouldn't,
because we're snobs,
would you buy it from
the same exact 7-Eleven
where the last winning
lottery ticket was sold?
No. That's like lightning
striking the same place twice.
Yeah. Precisely.
So the fact that there have
been a couple of murders here...
- Several.
- Several murders.
The chance of there being one murder
are so slim statistically.
A couple? I mean,
it's almost impossible.
So one more? Forget it.
You're safer than in any of the
murder-free places we've lived.
You coming to bed, baby?
Vanessa?
Sweetie?
Huh.
Hi, Vanessa. This is Dr Marsden.
I was looking at the latest
ultrasound, and I have to say,
I'm... well, I'm not
quite sure how to say this.
I'm horrified.
Not just as a doctor, but as a person.
You need to come to the
office immediately...
Arggh!
Oh! Shit! Fuck you, lamp!
Don't take no shit off that lamp, Jack.
- Thank you, sweetie.
- You're welcome.
Oh, honey. Don't forget.
My sister's coming to
bless the house this week.
I don't know, baby.
That stuffs a little too
Burning Man for me, you know.
Jack. Please.
It's something that she
wants to do for us, OK?
OK.
- Plus Curly Bear left her.
- The Navaho guy?
Mm-hm. He stole all her
credit cards and her car.
- Oh, my God, that's
crazy. - Mm-hm.
- Marjorie has credit cards?
- Jack.
I did not expect that. It
takes a lot to get credit cards.
It takes credit.
- Be nice.
- Who knew?
Be nice. And let her do her Wicca thing.
Eugh! God.
Vanessa!
Yes, darling?
What was in that drink you gave me?
Iced tea, darling.
That's pure paint thinner, baby.
My bad.
You could have killed me.
I'm so sorry.
It's pregnant mommy brain.
I must have misread the bottle.
- Are you feelin' alright?
- What?!
You don't seem alright.
You seem... kind of off.
Me? No!
I feel great.
I've actually never felt better.
Oh!
Whew. Sorry about that.
Bitches be trippin'!
Am I right?
That's some crazy shit.
I apologise, man. I just
scared the fuck out of you.
I just woke up in your crawl space
and I was tryin' to tiptoe
through to the bathroom
without bein' seen, and...
It was to no avail. You
know what I'm sayin'?
Did I hear you correctly? You're
sleeping in my crawl space?
Oh, my goodness, yes. Yes.
How can I explain this to you, Jack?
You know that Shakespeare
play where the man says,
Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
"but to thine own self be true"?
Yeah. It's Polonius to Laertes,
'Hamlet', act 1, scene 3.
Well, colour me impressed, Jack Watson.
Colour.
Me.
Im.
Pressed.
Wow.
Hello? Who's there?
Oh, my God.
Hey, Vanessa! I'm gonna take
a nap, alright? I'm beat.
Of course.
Oh! Oh, my God, baby.
Don't, don't, don't!
Oh, my God, no. I can't...
I'm so sweaty. I'm so... I'm...
Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Nice. Would you do that thing...
Do that thing you did in Cancun.
Do that... Ow! Ow! Oh, my God!
Huh! Oh, G...
Arggh! God! Hey! Careful!
Careful, baby! Ow!
Honey!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Honey, what's wrong?
- Oh, my God!
- I didn't do anything.
- What did you do?!
- I thought it was you.
You thought it was me?
You meant to kill me?
- No.
- Why do you have a boner?
- Honey? What's going an?
- Oh, my God!
- Oh, God. This looks terrible.
- Honey, who is she?
I don't know who she
is! She crept up on me.
- You don't know who she is?
- She crept up on me!
She snuck... I don't know.
I didn't mean to hurt her.
Jack!
No, no, no. We have to...
We have to... We have to...
- She'll be OK.
- She's not OK!
- What?
- She's not OK.
- No, no. She's not dead.
- She is dead.
Oh, God! Oh, my God!
- Oh, no.
- Oh, my God.
- Oh, God.
- Oh, my God!
Oh, God.
OK. OK.
No. No cops.
Are you insane? I just killed somebody!
Jesus Christ, Jack. Jesus Christ!
When did you start smoking again?
That doesn't matter. Three
hours ago. Let me think, OK?
This woman is dead.
Even if you tell your
side, who would believe it?
You want to be in jail for the
first years of my twins' life?
I've got to tell people
what really happened.
OK. OK. OK, baby.
OK.
What's the story, Jack?
Um... She tried to
perform oral sex on me.
And then I bludgeoned her to
death with a fire-extinguisher.
Holy shit! Oh, my God.
It sounds like I mouth-raped
somebody's grandmother
and then murdered her.
You can't go to jail. We
have babies on the way.
Let me think!
Dig.
- Oh, shit-balls!
- What?
You're supposed to call
the city before you dig.
There could be gas lines anywhere.
That's real smart, Jack.
Let's call the city and tell them
precisely where we're getting
rid of a corpse from a murder.
That's fair.
- Did you just hear...
- No.
I didn't even finish my
question. You just said no.
I didn't hear anything.
And if you did hear something,
it's probably nothing.
Oh, shit! Don't move a muscle.
There's a big fuckin'
dog staring right at you.
Invisitis.
Seriously?!
What the fuck is going on right now?!
- You speak bull mastiff?
- Rottweiler.
- Are you crying?
- No.
- You're crying.
- I was dry-crying.
'Cause I was laughing a little bit too.
I want you to see a psychiatrist.
Will that make you feel better?
Yes, it will.
Then OK.
Well, a big hello to you two.
You must be Jack and Vanessa.
Or the other way around?
- I'm Dr Marshall.
- You're... Oh, hi.
I apologise for the
Lance Armstrong outfit.
- I am just nuts about biking.
- Us too.
Really? What kind of bike you got?
Uh...
I'm sorry. I don't know why I said that.
- We don't have bikes.
- At all.
I was just trying to be nice.
Looks like Jack here
might be Mr Cuckoo Pants, not you
- right, Vanessa?
That's fair.
Doctor, you can see the outline
of your penis in those shorts.
Baby, look.
You are 100% right about that, Vanessa.
And I will change.
And then we will open up the hood
and see what's gunkin'
up the works in there, OK?
- How does that sound?
- Sounds good.
Get out of there, you crazy gremlins!
Leave this nice lady alone!
Don't worry, kid. Mommy's
not gonna be crazy forever.
- OK.
- OK.
There you go. Come on in.
Hold on. I'll be right in, OK? Sorry.
- Hello? Jack, my main man!
There are two police officers
right here, right now, in your home.
And they seem really
anxious to speak to you.
I didn't do anything.
That's interesting
that you would say that.
That sounds like a thing
a guilty person would say.
Well, I didn't do anything, OK?
Innocent people say that too.
I'm sure they do.
Wait. How did they find you?
Oh, long story.
They knocked on the door
and then I answered it.
At my house?
I just popped in for
a shower. No big deal.
Listen, F'resnel, just get rid
of the cops for now, OK? Please.
They want to talk about Mrs Nussbaum.
Can we not talk about this
on the phone right now?
Get rid of the cops. I'm begging you.
OK. Well, consider it done,
my white brother. Much love.
You're a riot!
Thank you so much, Doctor.
I can't tell you how much
we appreciate it. Thanks.
Whew!
That was fast. What did he say?
That I'm 100% fine.
I'm just stressed out about the babies.
He even wrote me a
prescription for valium.
- Isn't it great?
- What?
Yeah.
Wait.
He actually said "100% fine"?
And then he wrote you a
prescription for valium
even though you're eight
months pregnant with twins?
Yep.
Wow. I'm just stunned, that's all.
I almost don't believe it.
Oh.
Well, if you don't believe me, then...
...why don't you just ask him?
Let me just talk to him real
quick, OK? I'll be right back.
If you don't trust me as the mother...
I'm the mother of your unborn
babies, but no, no, no, no, no.
I want you to go ask.
- I'm sorry.
- No! I want you to ask him.
I trust you. I trust you.
I trust you. I do.
I do. I'm sorry. I just
didn't trust him, you know?
Come on. Let's get you some valium, huh?
Let's get you all valiumed up. Alright?
You're the best.
Help me.
Excuse me. Excuse me, Fathers?
Excuse me. Hi. I hate
to be a pest, but...
Louisiana has some pretty
sticky clean indoor air laws,
and you guys are in major
violation of them right now.
So if you wouldn't mind taking
the cigarettes out of doors...
If we wrap this up in time,
I kind of want to check
out the French Quarter, eh?
Is this a place where the
girls flash their boobies?
Is the Vieux Carr.
It's the original city, founded in 1718.
It's 78 square blocks
that are all protected
in national historic landmark.
It's an area steeped in the history
of the Spanish and the
French and the Civil War.
But it is also the place where
the girls flash their boobies?
Si.
College girls taking their
perky brand-new boobs out
for a little victory lap.
Sweat of their young bosom
mixing with Jagermeister
and the humidity of the bayou,
jiggling for fool's gold.
Please, my friend, you had
me at "perky new boobs".
Mmm.
Oh! Fuck!
I told you, let that thing be.
Is that dog back again?
I do not like that thing
creepin' around here.
I think it's kind of cute.
I'm gonna buy a gun.
- This neighbourhood is nuts.
- Smart, Jack.
Move to the ghetto and
then bring another gun in.
You should have your
NPR tote bag taken away
for comments like that.
Morning, y'all.
- Hi, F'resnel.
- How you doin'?
Jack Watson? Orleans Parish Police.
Hi. Yeah. Yeah, I'm Jack Watson.
I'm sorry. Have I done anything wrong?
You tell us, boy genius. You tell us.
You wouldn't know the whereabouts
of one Ms Elaine Nussbaum?
About 90 years old, 5'9",
missing a couple of teeth?
- Nope. No, I don't.
- Huh. Really?
Has something happened to her?
You tell us.
- I...
- Is that a yes?
- You tell us.
- Tell us.
I don't know anything about her.
If you're gonna ask questions,
should we get a lawyer?
If you're guilty, you
absolutely should. Absolutely.
Don't say another
word. If you're guilty.
So... are you? Are you
guilty, Shakespeare?
Are you, Einstein? Huh?
Let me ask you a question, brainiac.
What did you do that
makes you so nervous?
What did you do, bookworm?
Nothing! I...
I didn't do anything.
Why don't you take a
walk with us, Casanova?
Wait. I'm sorry, I'm confused.
Am I still Casanova?
Because up until now, all
the nicknames have been
"smart guy"-related, and
that's more like "lover boy".
I was trying to come up with
another smart guy and blanked.
Should have said "Stephen Hawking".
So you...
Why don't you take a
walk with us, Molire?
Nice.
So...
Haven't seen Ms Nussbaum in a while?
I'm wondering how you'd explain this.
Oh, my God!
She just wanted to say thank you.
Why does she want to say thank you?
According to her, she got
lost when she was sleepwalking,
you found her, put her down for
a nap, and now she feels fine.
I feel fine!
She lives down at the
nursing home down the block.
She gets out all the time.
- Thought you checked her pulse.
- I did check her pulse!
- Somebody wants a hug.
- No.
It is our duty to
legally enforce that hug.
I'm pretty sure you can't
legally enforce a hug.
- Just suck it up.
- You have to do it.
- Just hug the bitch, champ.
- Guys, listen, listen...
I don't want to hug her,
OK? Please. She's old.
Hey! That is someone's
great-g rand mother!
Don't! OK. OK. OK. I'll
hug her. I'll hug her.
I'm so glad you're OK, Mrs Nussbaum.
OK. Alright? Great.
Great. OK. OK. Great.
- OK. Guys?
- Act like a lady, Ms Nussbaum.
OK, I need a little
help. She's really strong!
- Act like a lady.
- Be a lady, Mrs Nussbaum.
Knock that shit off, Mrs Nussbaum!
She's got her finger
in my ass and it hurts!
Bad Grandma! No!
- Oh! Oh!
- Jeez!
- Arggh!
- Still got it.
Her nails are so sharp.
- You OK?
- I'm sorry about that.
- That was gross.
- Is she alive?
Yeah. Yeah, yeah. She'll be fine.
The fucking city turned down the
power on these babies to save money.
These things couldn't kill anybody.
Oh! Fuck! Shit! Ah!
It's not a big thing. You
don't have to worry about it.
Yeah, you don't have to worry about it.
Come on, Ron! Shit, man! I got fillings.
Fuck!
Wow. If you don't need us for
anything else, we should...
- Yeah, that's about it.
- Great. OK. Good.
You know where to find us.
Thanks for helping us sort all this out.
You're welcome.
Still don't know why that old lady
was dazed and covered in dirt, but...
Fuck it, right?
Oh, my God!
What just happened?
- I thought she was dead.
- Me too.
To living and learning.
To living and learning.
Ahh! Wow.
I think we have to kill those cops.
- Yeah.
- Honey, they know way too much.
I'm really tired, but I can't
tell if you're joking or not.
I'm fine.
- I didn't ask if you were fine.
- I'm fine.
Need a new bottle.
Can we just tone it down a
little bit with the booze?
Hey.
Judge Judy.
Just everything in moderation, OK?
No more. You win. No wine.
I'm gonna go...
I'm gonna go wash all this
old-lady vagina off me.
Oh, my God. Oh!
I'll be thinking about this guy
next time I'm fighting off a boner.
Man! Check this out.
Gross!
Gross!
Gross!
- Eugh! Gross!
Hey, Father. Thanks for
coming down so quickly.
- Peace be with you.
- And also with you.
Peace be with you.
Yikes.
Our chief called you as
soon as he heard about this.
We get some voodoo
stuff every now and then,
but this just seemed kind of more...
- Biblical.
- Biblical.
- Pretty weird.
- Super, super weird.
- Scusi.
- Be our guest.
Your crime scene. Your crime scene.
Wow. Get any readings off him?
- We don't get readings.
- That's not us.
That's the ghost
hunters. We don't do that.
But is this the work of the devil?
This? Off the record?
Between you, me and the
crucified guy on the wall...
I'd say that this is
the work of the devil.
Or one of his very top guys.
People, they think that
the devil is made-up,
like Santa Claus.
But I assure you, the devil is real.
And he's a dick.
Well, all due respect,
padres, we still gotta check
and see if there's a human
involved in this clambake.
But we're open to the devil thing too.
Could be the devil. Could
be an ex-girlfriend on PCP.
- No problem.
- You do your thing, we do ours.
Not trying to step on your toes.
We'll call the coroner, get him
taken to the morgue, call it a day.
"Hey, you guys new in town?
- Si.
Ever have a Domilise's po' boy?
- Oh, po' boy.
- It's good.
- Mm!
- Mm!
- Mmm!
- Mmm!
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Oh! Ow.
Ooh, yeah. Yeah.
I can't eat anymore.
How did you two guys
become priests anyway?
Yeah, you guys don't
really even seem that gay.
My path to the priesthood
was, you know, the usual.
I was up-and-coming
bullfighter in Madrid.
- Wow.
- Shit.
- That's awesome.
- What happened?
What happened...
...is that the bull does
not lose every bullfight.
This bull was like the
Michael Jordan of bulls.
He was amazing.
He poked me through like
I was a custard flan.
And he was... And he was a...
A bull. Exactly like that.
The bad thing is,
I could hear the parade
they threw for the bull.
'Cause this bull was very popular then.
He's still popular now,
for almost killing such
a promising young matador.
So, what about you? Were
you a bullfighter too?
I was one of those living statue guys.
Oh, yeah! Those weirdos that
paint themselves all white?
You make a lot of tips. Ladies love it.
What happened?
Bad luck.
I got caught in the crossfire
of a local Mafia feud.
They were trying to shoot a couple
who was testifying against the family,
and I don't know if they no see me
or they just think I'm a
statue, but I got shot 19 times.
19 times seems excessive.
They say it's still a record
in that part of Italy, huh?
- Not bad.
- For Italy, that is something.
Put that on your Facebook page.
They take me back to a local hospital.
And there, the good
sisters save my life.
They suck the 19 bullets out of my body
with their mouths.
I guess the doctor
was not there that day.
It was a good day.
Describe that memory
for just another second.
It was on that day I decided
to give my life to God.
You're probably wondering
how we became partners.
Let's tell the story.
- I was new to the force.
- And I'm a bit of a renegade.
- I think we get it.
- We get it.
- You no get along...
- Then you do get along.
Could I just tell a little bit more?
- It's OK. I get it.
- We get it.
We listened to your whole back story.
- I'm sure it's fascinating.
- I know. You're cops.
You don't get along,
then you do. We get it.
It's actually much more
complicated than that.
That's OK.
- Hey!
Have you guys ever
been to Bourbon Street?
Hey.
Ahhh!
There you are, Sleeping Beauty.
I'm going back to bed, sweetie.
You've been asleep for
36 hours. You feelin' OK?
- How many valium did you take?
- Not that many.
These little devils
are kicking me so hard.
And scratching like a motherfucker.
Scratching?
I don't think that's right.
I think we should call Dr Marsden.
I'm fine!
Oh. Don't forget.
Marjorie wants to do the smudge
ceremony for the house, OK?
OK.
Hah. Mm. Rrr!
Come on!
Oh, dammit!
Come on!
- Jackie boy!
- Oh, my God!
- Oh!
- Oh!
Whoo!
- Whoo!
- Ohhh.
- Wow.
- Hell.
My apologies. I must have
really given you a fright.
Just lurkin' down here
in your crawl space
like some terrifyin' man-sized opossum.
I'm sorry. Holy mackerel, man.
I'll tell you. They're
spooky, marsupials.
- Yeah.
- Oh, boy. Oh, boy.
Now's a good time
to set some ground rules
about coming and going.
Oh, you know what? That reminds me.
Has somebody removed a
box of vintage pornography?
I had been looking after it, you see.
And then I just came in, it
just wasn't there no more.
It had moved in some way, shape or form.
- No.
- You have not seen it?
- No, sorry.
- No? OK. Alright. OK.
Well, if you happen to come
by it, I do consider it mine.
- Alright.
- Before you get upset...
I know what you're thinking.
I don't want Fresnel pleasurin' himself
"in my crawl space to
vintage pornography. "
I get it.
I hadn't yet formulated
that thought into words,
but now you say it, that's
exactly what I was thinking.
Know what, Jack? Let
me tell you something.
It's just like our boy Shakespeare says.
"If we lovers have offended,
"think but this and all is mended. "
I hate 'Midsummer... '
I wanted to ask you about Mrs Nussbaum
and how she was all
covered up in that dirt,
and then asking after you,
and then the police
comin' and questionin' you.
I mean...
What was that all about?
That was just a stupid misunderstanding.
- Oh! OK, OK.
- Yeah.
So it wasn't like you
thought you had murdered her
and you were actually buryin' her alive?
What? No.
No? OK.
- No.
- What?!
No, I-I-I... I...
Well, I... F...
J... J...
No, may I ask what gave you
that very specific and
detailed impression?
Oh, well, you know...
You know, Jack...
Sometimes I see things.
I see lots of detailed things.
We have a friendly relationship, right?
Of course, F'resnel.
So let's not worry about
my comings and goings
and worry about our friendship.
Like when one of us sees the
other friend murder a person
and dispose of the body,
then we just let it slide.
Even if it's a half-murder,
like with you and Mrs Nussbaum.
What do you say?
Huh?
What do you think about that?
Of course.
- Hey, let me ask you
something. - Mm-hm.
Have you seen a big,
scary dog around here?
OK, now, Jack,
I'm sorry, that dog is as exactly alive
as Mrs Nussbaum is dead.
Dog is a...
- I'm sorry, I can't do the math.
- It's a ghost dog.
That's a straight-up ghost dog.
Yeah. People been seein'
the dog and whatnot.
And I don't believe in it.
When you see a big-ass
dog runnin' around,
there's something else that you see
- you know that is?
- No, what?
- Dog poop.
- Dog...?
- Dog poop!
When you got a dog runnin' around,
there'll be big old piles
of dog poop everywhere.
And I have been here for 15 years,
I ain't never, never seen no one pile.
- 15 years, no...
- No poop.
Not a single bit. That's
just a phantom dog, OK?
He's probably a spectre
from the beyond, OK?
He's probably some
kind of devil's minion
who has taken a form that
he knows will scare us.
This is food for thought
for you right now.
Ghosts don't kill people.
People kill people.
And occasionally, you'll have a person
who's under the evil power of
a ghost who will kill somebody.
But I've gotta tell
you somethin' right now.
This house, I think it's got
its best days ahead of it.
- Thanks, F'resnel.
- You're welcome, brother.
I think... I need to get a po' boy.
Are you game?
Oh, no, no, no. I shouldn't.
You know what? Fuck it!
Mm! Mm. Wow.
- Wow.
- Mm-hm?
- Wow! - Mm!
Hot-diggity.
- Whoo!
- Mm-hm.
Wow!
There it is. Brrr!
- Mm-hm.
- Wow!
Ahhh!
Two more shrimp po' boys!
Fuck!
- Arggh!
- Arggh!
Arggh! Arggh!
Oh! Oh!
I AM SO SICK OF BEING STARTLED!
- Mrs Nussbaum? No, silly, it's me!
I hope there's some hot water left over
for ze little monsieur.
- Arggh!
- Oh, my God!
Marjorie!
Why is my wife's sister in my shower?
I got to set some ground rules
around here, starting right now.
I said it was me. Jeez.
Wait, the little monsieur? Really?
No! You have to know the context.
Wait a minute.
I didn't know you
were circumcised, Jack.
Really? We never covered
that at Thanksgiving?
It's genital mutilation, you know.
Slicing off the tops
of boys' dicks because
a couple-of-thousand-year-old
book
about a medicine man
named Moses says to do it?
- That's religion for you.
- Ha!
OK. Well, um... Let's
talk about something else.
When did you leave the reservation?
You have a pretty nice dick, Jack.
Thank you?
You know I don't believe in marriage,
which is basically
institutionalised slavery
and the subjugation of women.
I've never heard you say that before.
Just because you're married to my
sister doesn't mean you own her.
So, what were we talking
about before the dick thing?
Uh, yeah. When did you
leave the reservation?
Last week I moved to a
cooperative farm in Baton Rouge.
- Yuck.
- It's pretty cool. Here.
Help a sister out and
get my back, will you?
- I...
- Thank you.
- Oh, that smells awful.
- It does not.
It's all-natural organic
quinoa flax lotion
with kelp and octopus placenta.
- Octopus placenta.
- Oh, such strong hands!
My sister's got such good taste.
Oh, yeah.
I'm a fucking idiot with guys.
- Really?
- Mm-hm.
Curly Bear left me.
He embarrassed me in
front of the whole tribe.
I doubt it.
He stole my Subaru Outback,
credit cards and banjo.
And my MacBook Pro.
- I bet you called the cops.
- No, of course not.
If anything, I should
be thanking Curly Bear.
You know, I was so
wrapped up in material BS
that I was missing the moment.
Yeah, I know that banjo was
totally holding you back.
Yeah.
- Spin. I'll do you now.
- No.
Trust me this stuff is like your
skin never breathed before,
like it's been suffocating until today.
Skin doesn't breathe.
You ever heard that?
- It's impossible.
- Sure, Jack.
Ohhh.
It's not sexual, Jack. It's just people.
Awesome! Well, thank you
for the octopus placenta.
- You're welcome.
- And that conversation.
And I am gonna go anywhere else,
because I've got a ton to do,
and this is wildly inappropriate.
- You have an erection, Jack.
- Yeah. I get 'em.
It's nothing to be embarrassed
by. It's totally natural.
If anything, I think
it should be celebrated.
That's what a maypole
symbolises, of course.
Of course.
- Hey!
- Oh! Wow!
It's like Grand Central Station in here!
- Hi!
- You must be Marjorie.
Nice to meet you. I am F'resnel.
I'm very sorry to hear about Curly Bear.
Pfff!
Thank you.
Ai-baba!
We call on you, Ogou Fe.
We thank you for cleaning
this house of evil.
We thank Jack for opening
his doors and his heart.
We thank F'resnel for bearing
witness to the ceremony.
We thank this guy for...
I'm just here to install
the cable internet.
Sorry, the circles
aren't even established,
so if you'll bear with us a few minutes.
Cool.
So sorry you got roped into this.
Wait. Where's my sister?
She's lying down.
She's not feeling well.
You should have insisted!
I did. And she did this.
- Goddamn! Goddamn!
- Oh, dear.
That could get infected. You
might want some Bactine...
Thank you! I put some
fucking Bactine on it!
- Whoa, Jack.
- I'm sorry.
It's just that this house has
had a strange effect on my wife,
and I think she might
be possessed by a demon,
so I'm a little stressed out.
This is an evil house,
so we're doin' this
little gris-gris ceremony.
And not a day too soon neither.
It's actually a Haitian ceremony.
It cleans the space of bad spirits.
Cool! Very cool.
Again, just here for the cable internet.
- Is there marijuana in
there? - Uh-huh, yeah.
Is that what usually goes in there?
No, it's usually just tobacco,
but tobacco is so bad for you.
Is it just me, y'all, or is this some...
...very, very...
...very strong marijuana?
- We grow it on the reservation.
- Do you, now?
- Yeah.
- Good for you, baby.
My hands are like the Hulk.
You know the Incredible Hulk?
They're, like, regular-size?
They feel like Hulk hands.
Oh!
Like I could just punch
a crater into the ground.
I think I should go to the hospital.
I also have to go to the
hospital. The other me.
He has to go to the hospital.
I can get down there to him.
Shh. Just ride it out.
It's like surfing a wave.
It seems too big at first,
and then soon, you're
coasting into the beach
and the view is fantastic.
You guys, it's so beautiful!
It's not a different me.
It's me from a different time!
Ohhhh!
Ee pacho! Ee home! Be clean!
And now this place is clean.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- It's an earthquake!
- Go to the doorway!
That is a myth! Get next to
a large piece of furniture!
Run outside!
Well, that is incredibly odd.
Whoa! The earthquake is
only inside the house!
Everybody out!
Goddammit! What...?
Hey!
You guys bought the
'House of Blood', huh?
Yeah.
Mind if I ask what you got it for?
Oh.
- Hi!
- Hi!
- Hi. Hi.
- What's happen...
- Hi.
- Hi.
There's an earthquake,
but it's only inside.
It's not outside.
I say we just go and wait it out.
I'm probably just gonna go,
if that's OK with you guys.
- Yeah, OK.
- Could you sign this?
Saying you're satisfied with my
installation of cable internet?
- OK.
- Just initial that.
- Great.
- Alright. Great.
Are you sure you're OK to drive?
Well, I am very, very
high, so... let's find out.
OK.
We have to get out
of this house tonight.
This is like in the movies
when insane shit happens
and they still don't leave.
No. Do not be rash.
You always do this. This is our home.
Something obviously
thinks that it's its home.
It's trying to scare the shit out of us!
You're screaming at
me and I like it here!
- Well, I don't like it here!
- Hey, everybody, calm down.
Listen, you lovebirds.
Don't fight right now, OK?
We'll talk this all over
over one of F'resnel's
famous pizza salads!
Ha-ha! Alright.
Mm!
Uh-huh. What did I tell you?
When you said "pizza salad"...
...I was kind of sceptical, F'resnel.
I thought you were gonna throw
pizza slices in a bowl of salad.
That's very much what I
did do. Precisely, in fact.
That's why we call it pizza
salad. Know what I'm sayin'?
You just take a Domino's pizza,
you toss it in a bowl with
some salad, also from Domino's.
Well, I think this is a
perfect time to bring up
some of the weird stuff that's
been going on in the house.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Namely Marjorie's 'smudge' ceremony.
Think it may have awoken
something really big.
- Thank you!
- Not a c...
Or 'someone' could have hit our gas
line while digging in the backyard.
- That could also explain it.
- Actually...
I don't think that explains it, Vanessa.
There is nothing wrong with this house.
OK.
Old houses settle.
That was... way beyond settling!
Way beyond settling!
I know carpentry. That was
not settling, Bob Vila! OK?
That was a three-minute-long
massive shock wave
that would register at 6
or 7 on a Richter scale.
You are packing your kimono and
we are going to a motel tonight!
- Are you Jack Watson?
- Yeah.
Yeah. I mean, we met here two days ago.
- Right here.
- Oh. Did we, Mozart?
Did we meet two days ago?
Don't be a dick... Renzo
Piano, the famous architect.
- Your fat wife around?
- My wife's pregnant with twins.
Yeah right!
- Heard that before.
- Where's she at?
In the kitchen eating pizza
salad with my sister-in-law
and my black friend
and neighbour, F'resnel.
You don't have to be that
specific with us, sir!
Mind if we ask her a couple questions?
Could I say no?
Yeah, but then we come
back with a warrant
and you better be
lawyered up, Gregory Hines.
The dancer guy?
- I don't know why I said that.
- I don't either.
Folks, we need you to
look at some photographs,
but I will warn you, they
are a little bit graphic.
- Oh, God.
- um
Oh, heavens. I apologise.
Yeah, they're graphic.
Jack? Honey...
Oh, no. I'm not gonna
puke. I mean... Not a puker.
Oh, God, F'resnel.
It's OK.
Very natural.
- Oh, God.
- They're very gruesome.
Very gruesome pictures.
It's OK.
Oh, God!
- OK.
- OK.
Perhaps we could
continue this conversation
in the living room, which
has less vomit in it.
Mm-hm.
This is Dr Michael Marshall.
Or, at least, it was.
- 'Cause he's dead! Oh, my God!
His records indicate
that you were the last
person to see him, Ms Watson.
He wrote down when he died?
That's pretty weird, isn't it?
"That's pretty weird, isn't it?"
Fuck you.
Hers was the last
appointment on his books.
Now, we're not saying that
you did anything, obviously.
We just want to know
if you saw anything,
heard anything... unusual
- that's all.
No, I...
God...
I can't believe this
kind of thing can happen
in this day and age.
Hey.
What's with the blood on your shirt?
- Oh.
- Yeah, gosh.
I should have taken care of this.
I scratched myself earlier, and, um...
What'd you scratch
yourself on? A grizzly bear?
The question remains.
Did you... see anything... unusual?
I told you, no.
Neither of you saw anything
out of the ordinary?
That's good. Alright, thank you, guys.
Thank you very much for your time.
- No further questions from us.
- We appreciate your patience.
We will be in touch.
Have a good day.
Well, they're hidin' something.
While you were talking, we
did a full sweep of the house.
We searched the place, and we feel
there is something very
unholy about this house.
- Si.
- I can tell you this.
That fat girl, she doesn't know a thing.
The woman, does she look
anything... like this?
Whoa! Yeah.
Great skates!
She looks a lot like that.
We take these pictures in
the house three minutes ago.
What the shit?
You took these in the
house three minutes ago?
How'd you print 'em out so quick?
Holy cow! That's a small printer.
Tiny printer, right?
It's not about the size,
it's about the quality!
I'm impressed!
Printer technology move forward
these days, leaps and bounds.
It's adorable.
This is the same tiny printer that
is endorsed by Ashton Kookener.
Ashton Kushner, he say,
"Only one printer I use... "
- That one!
- Well, he's cool.
And if he's usin' it, by de
facto, I'm kind of cool, right?
I like all of the movies
where Ashton Kushner
get married by accident
then wake up and, "Oh!"
And the judge goes, "I
sentence you to marriage. "
- "You can't do this!"
- I love this.
- "You cannot do this!"
- 'Cause marriage is a sentence.
What were we saying?
With the hell hound,
with the crucifixion
in the doctor's office,
we feel it is very possible
we have demonic possession.
I don't know, guys.
They're actually super-sweet,
and the woman, I mean,
she's, like, meggo-preggo...
So I don't know.
She is preggo?
Jeepers.
How far along is she?
Well, guys, we're not doctors,
but she's pretty far along.
She's ready to drop.
Look, we'd love to help
you out, but, I mean,
just because you think
someone's possessed,
we have pictures of a ghost dog
and a gruesome crucifixion murder,
none of these things really connect.
If they did it, they'll slip up,
and when they do, we'll be here.
We got everything under control.
- Jeez!
- What the hell...
Oh! Oh, it's just a crow.
- It's just a crow.
- It's just a dead crow.
It's a harpy. See for yourself, huh?
- You guys get a lot of these?
- You'd be surprised.
Kinda, yeah.
What does it mean?
The harpy? It's a harbinger.
Of evil.
It is a message from hell.
Trust me, things are about
to get very, very bad.
Gee whiz. I am so sorry.
There was a bumblebee in the
car, and I just lost control...
Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck!
Well... what should we do now?
Now we wait.
Now... we wait.
- We need a doctor.
- No.
We need a priest.
Guys! Guys. Guys!
Yaaa!
Have no fear, sir.
Who are you guys?
We are... team four.
Why did you let them impale
me with that umbrella?
Do not listen to him!
He is the father of lies!
Ar
You guys got this? Everybody cool?
Oh, God! Here they come!
- This is some shit!
- Somebody help me!
The babies are coming!
Breathe, Vanessa!
Breathe, Vanessa, breathe!
It hurts so bad!
Remember what they taught us in class!
- I can see it! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!
Ar
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
- What is it?
- Oh!
It's a boy.
It's a perfect baby boy.
Congratulations.
- It's a miracle.
You ever seen a home birth
before? They're the best.
- Honey! Honey!
- Just one more to go!
You guys, something's wrong!
It hurts so bad, this one.
Something's wrong! It's...
Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
It's biting me! Arggh!
- Focus. Focus.
- Alright.
Push! Push!
Arggh!
Holy fucking shit!
Oh, faaaa...
Arggh!
No, Jack!
You must kill it, Jack, you must!
- He's my son!
- He's not your son!
He wants to rise and rule the
world for a thousand years!
Oh, shit!
Hey, guys.
- Shh!
Alright, y'all, I'm goin' in.
Hello, devil baby!
Ain't nobody out here
tryin' to hurt you.
Everything's gonna be
OK, little devil baby.
Arggh!
Fuck!
I stubbed my goddamn toe!
Oh, that smarts!
I did the same thing in there yesterday.
- Hey, everybody.
- What?
I'm comin' back with the baby!
OK, here we go.
OK. It's gonna be alright now.
Hush, little devil baby
Don't say a word Papa's gonna...
Fuck this!
Ar
- You guys be careful!
- Whoa, sorry.
Oh, no!
Ar
- I got a shot! I got a shot!
- No, you'll shoot one of us!
- He's a great shot! Take it!
- Be careful!
Being careful don't kill devil babies.
Noooooo!
Shit!
No! No! No! No! No! Please!
Ar
You! Are! Not! My! Baby!
That's the spirit, Vanessa!
Punch this devil baby!
Punch him back to hell!
I hate you! You're not my baby.
Don't listen to his crocodile tears.
Mama.
You want Mommy to hold you? Come...
It's OK. It's OK.
Ah! No, no, no!
Vanessa! Let go of my sister!
- Little baby!
- Kill it!
Let's drown it! Do
you have a woodchipper?
Not to tell y'all how
to parent, but should we
let your good baby watch
us murdering the devil baby?
It might have a lasting
impression psychologically.
Right. Good point. Get
the good baby out of here.
Go, go, go!
- Marjorie?
- What?
I ain't known you that
long, but I'm 100% in love
and want to spend the
rest of my life with you.
Me too!
Just do me a favour and stay alive.
I will.
The spirit gods will protect me!
- Oh, shit!
- Arggh!
Marjorie? No!
Oh! Oh!
AH-AH-AH-AH-AH!
What can I do? What can I do?
Use the Jesus knife!
Kill that motherfucker!
Demonic child, I send you
back to the depths of hell
from whence you came!
- Arggh! Fuck this! Fuck!
- Let me hold him down!
Ah!
Ah! Ah! Ah!
Oh!
Ar
Oh! Oh, no! Ah! Oh!
Not going to make it.
Do it, my friend.
I meant... not going to make it,
so call an ambulance, please.
Why you do the pause in
the middle of the first part
of the important part?
No! Devil! Babies!
In! My! Parish!
Ar
Oh, my God.
- I have an idea! Catch!
- What?
No! Jack! Where are you going?
You must fight! You are the
only one that can stop him!
Get off my wife, you asshole.
NOW!
Thank you, F'resnel.
My pleasure.
Thank you, Father.
Just doing our job.
But the... the other priest...
We're... we're so sorry.
It's OK.
He always know one day the
Lord would call his name.
But he was your friend.
And I'm really sorry.
Huge bummer.
Knowing him, he would
rather die this way,
fighting the devil, than on
a golf course or something.
- That's the spirit.
- I like that.
Wow!
Look who found a bike!
Alright, Mrs Nussbaum!
That's terrific.
- Wow.
- Just terrific.
What a crazy week, huh?
- I was possessed by the devil!
- I know! You were such a bitch.
Always freak you out a little bit.
I can't believe it started
with white people movin'
into the neighbourhood.
- That's crazy enough.
- Only up from there.
We were already at a seven,
you know? That's crazy.
I love the way black people speak.
So I guess everything's wrapped up, huh?
All sewn up like a little present.
What about that dirty magazine with
your picture in it from the '70s?
- What's going on with all that?
- Honey!
My mother did porno in
the '70s. I told you that.
- I knew that.
- Just for a year and a half.
She paid her way through college.
Look at this guy!
- Look at this!
- Hell, no!
- I thought you were a phantom.
- I thought so too!
That's just a big dog that
want a whole lot of love.
That dog's licking your sister's blood.
Ohhh!
- That's creepy.
- No. That's a bad...
- No, baby. - Get
out of here. Bye-bye.
- Hey, baby.
- So...
- What?
- What do we do now?
Now we live, Jack.
Now we go on about that crazy
little thing called livin'.
Let's not waste another moment.
Not another moment wasted.
That's not another moment.
Our lives begin today.
- Father...
- Si?
- What's your name?
- Sebastian.
Then that's what we'll call our son.
Oh, my goodness.
- Sebastian.
That is really lovely. That's so sweet.
Sebastian F'resnel.
Watson.
That's beautiful.
We wouldn't have this baby
if it weren't for both of you.
That part's true.
We'll put Sebastian F'resnel at
the top of our list, because...
Baby, there's no other list. That's it.
There is a list. We've
got a book that we've...
It's just that it's the nicest
thing that any white person...
...has ever done for me.
'Cause walkin' the street sometimes,
you don't even get as much as a hello.
- F'resnel...
- And y'all just...
Hello.
Jack, look me in the eye.
Cool. Well, you're welcome.
- We'll talk about it.
- That is really somethin' else.
Remember at times like these,
you should see the glass as half full.
You have this beautiful baby.
Do not think about the little
baby who you kill upstairs.
If you excuse me, I got
to go bury my friend.
And then I gotta go
return the rental car.
- Don't be late doin' that.
- Good luck.
- Peace be with you.
- Thank you, Father.
Hey.
It's a brand-new day, the
sun is shinin' in New Orleans,
and everything is just
lookin' on up from here.
I gotta tell you, man,
for a minute there,
I didn't think I'd make it
through all that devilishness.
Whoa! Looky here!
Dog poop! That's dog poop!
Dog poop!
Hot damn! Are you kiddin' me?
And I almost stepped in it.
Must be my lucky day.
Ar
Fuck!
Oh! Oh! Did I just hit your friend?