Aloha, foolish mortals.
You have come upon
the Gates of Hell.
Prepare to meet your fiery
fate in an orderly fashion.
Three lines, please.
Boo.
Come inside The Gates
where we have
no used condoms to step on.
What about you, guy texting?
Why don't you text
the rest of your boy band
to come down to Hell?
Anyone? Any takers?
That was pathetic.
You don't know the first thing
about carnival barking.
Time for school, son.
Hear ye, hear ye:
Repent now, foolish mortal,
for ye enter now the gates of Hell!
That is how that's done.
Enthusiasm, bro. And always
throw the horns. Always!
Yeah, man, 'cause there's
nothing depressing
about old metal heads
still throwing up horns.
Listen here, skinny jeans
fuck nose,
this place can't survive
forever without customers.
No customers, no money.
No money, no park.
No park, no park.
"No park, no park!"
What are you,
a valet at P.F. Chang?
You do know that you
just repeated yourself, right?
Or did you get pummeled
with so many leather dildos
at a Judas Priest concert
that you have no idea
what you're saying right now?
Listen, it would be an honor
to be fucked by Judas Priest.
You don't know shit
about dick or rock or roll.
Get that lubtard
to fix this shit.
I'll tell him.
You can also tell him
that he looks like
a prime candidate
for Type-2 diabetes.
So funny, Cleb.
You know, I hear you
talking about my friend,
but it looks like the words
are coming out of a dog shit snowman.
Hey, man...
Do you have a time machine
so I can go back in time
and punch your mom in the stomach
so you don't grow up to be you?
Bitch head.
Augie, the ride's broken again.
I'll punch your dick
off with my mouth, bro.
Okay, red is the relay
and white is the ground.
Hey, what is going on up there?
Um, I'm sorry,
I just shorted out part of my body.
It's very dark in here.
Zonar, mistress of the Macabre,
is in need of power!
Just let me get a flashlight
and then I'll, uh...
Okay, so I'll just
need to check the, uh...
Hello?
Madame Zonar?
Tell me, do you believe in destiny?
Why, should I?
Do you believe that your heart
will stop because of all the fat
that is collected around it from
the junk food and garbage you eat?
I can only imagine
that your veins are
filled with grease
and tacos and Cheetos.
Do you believe in this destiny?
Well, I mean, I...
Mr. Fat, Fat, Fattykins.
Okay, I just need
to find your breakers.
It's true that I smother
my sadness with carbs.
It's my... private shame.
Shit!
I sense that you are good
with your hands.
Than... thanks.
Please, sit down.
You are talented, young one.
But you spend too much time
fucking your hand.
What?! How did you...
Yes, and your hand
doesn't enjoy it.
It's not consensual.
No, that's not true at all!
So, basically, you're raping
your own hand. - No...
And that is why nobody loves you.
- You're way off.
- Nobody will ever love you.
Augie, what are you doing?
Please, sit down.
Madame Zonar,
dreamer of desires,
senses a need within you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I work here.
Can you not talk like that?
You're an adult on Planet Earth.
Well, maybe if you
put a circuit breaker
on my crystal ball,
I could do my job here.
Yeah, we gotta
get this whole place
in shape or we're all
gonna be out of jobs, okay?
You could use some
shaping-up yourself.
I know I may be old and wrinkly,
but my power can provide.
- Really?
- So can my vagina.
Not my breasts so much.
They've been used and abused.
You know what?
I take one look
at you and my dick
hops out of my pants,
goes and gets a gun
and blows the head of its own dick off.
That is not the first time
I have been told that by a man.
Bro, I saw the way
you were looking at her.
Wait, what?
Thinkin' about throwing Madame
BONar a part of your baby dick?
Remy, that's fucked up, dude.
No way!
Come on, Aug,
you need the experience.
And she rubs balls for a living.
I mean, they're crystal,
so at least she'll be careful,
but she's, like,
a thousand years old.
I mean, she must be like
a sandpaper factory down there.
Dude, don't knock sandpaper.
My cat licked my penis
when I was in 6th grade
and I still think about it.
Not again.
I gotta put this horse down.
Dude, this place is in trouble.
The Gates of Hell's
our main attraction
and it's falling to shit.
Yeah, I know.
Well, you're the handyman,
Augie, so fix it.
No, no, I would, but Cleb told me
there's no money to fix it.
Ouch! Hey!
Sorry. - Ouch!
Did you ask Curt for the money?
No, no, no 'cause he's...
- The assistant manager.
- Cleb's the manager.
His name is Cleb. I mean,
imagine his parents.
Yeah, it does feel like they gave up
just as soon as they started
choosing baby names.
? Hot fuck action to the max
? that's what I like Fuck action...
Clockin' out.
Wait, wait, wait, wait,
you're seriously leaving early?
That's right.
Got a hot date tonight.
with Madame Zonar.
Oh, you mean the fortune-teller.
I'm pretty sure
I saw her on deck today
slipping around in
what appeared to be
her own vomit as she was trying
to poo off the side of her boats.
That's my lady.
Well, not to be a dick,
my friend,
just pointing out the obvious here,
you don't really have
any skill sets. -Yep.
And then, you know,
you smoke a tremendous
- amount of weed,
- Right.
And you spend all your time talking
to alcoholic, mentally-ill
fortune-tellers.
That's me.
All while the rides are in
dangerously bad condition.
Whoa, I told Remy
to tell Augie to fix 'em.
That buck has been passed.
Well, yeah, right,
but still, I mean,
one of us has to
maintain a safe park,
you know, so our customers
don't die on the rides.
Well, I guess we gotta
figure out who's
gonna do that, you or me?
Well, since you're
the manager...
420!
See you tomorrow.
Awesome, all right,
thank you so much
for all the stuff you do, Cleb,
whatever that is, bud.
Uh...
Jab, jab, jab, jab.
- You're goin' down!
- Boom, boom!
Watch out now.
Ah, shit.
So, dude, after break,
we need you to order
some parts for The Gates.
Not this time.
The park is done.
- What?
- What?
The park is done?
Bullshit.
We just a letter from the bank.
The place is bankrupt.
Bankrupt?
How could you let this happen?
Me?! This place is
a dinosaur, man.
Other parks have
roller-coasters
that rearrange your organs.
We got a squirt gun balloon race
and a needle-exchange
program.
Curt, remember the three of us
were gonna bro-out here forever?
I don't know what to tell ya.
Maybe I'll go to college.
Oh, really, bro? Awesome, man.
Yeah, just go to college, dude.
Come on.
What, are you gonna major in roofies
with a minor in
let's-get-the fuck-out-of-here?
I'm sorry you don't have
a fallback plan, Remy.
Maybe you should go ask
that fortune-teller
Madame Zonar
for some career advice.
Let's go see if the bearded lady
will give you a beej.
I'll go get the chloroform.
Curt, steal that clown's knife.
Yeah! We should
carve our names in the pier
and after high school,
if we're still hanging out
at this park, we'll all slit
our wrist with that knife.
The fool again?
Did I shuffle these?
Ah, you were expected.
You knew I was gonna come?
I am Zonar, I know all.
Wow. What am I thinking right now?
I sense you are haunted
by the dark underlords of the sea.
Ha! Not even close.
I was thinking about
sucking my own dick
in front my family on Easter.
That is not the first time
I have been told that by a man.
Ah, where was I?
'Tis the sad fate of the cynic
to miss the offerings of the spirits.
The power is within you, child,
should you choose
to look for a sign.
Ugh, look for a sign, really?
It's that simple?
What?
The book of Bee-el-ze-bub.
Is the Devil crying?
Wow!
What is it?
Oh, I was just wondering where
you got this book.
A spirit bequeathed it
as an offering
from the dark lord.
A dark lord queefed it on you?
What does that mean?
Can I borrow it?
No, this isn't a library.
I know, it's a
lez-brary,
filled with creepy old ladies.
Don't worry,
look into the future.
You'll see me
returning this book.
Remy?
Remy?
Whoa.
Hey, buddy.
What's up?
You don't look so good, man.
Guys, check it out.
- What's that?
- That is the Book of Beelzebub,
the key to saving the park.
- Wait, what?
- Dude, I don't get it.
Look, people travel
across the world
to see the face of Jesus
on a tortilla, right?
Huh?
Well, the same people
will come to the park
in droves to see
Jesus' enemy cry
like a pussy.
Still ain't gonna save the park.
Come on, Curt, doesn't this park
mean anything to you anymore?
Honestly, not really.
Curt, you lost your virginity
right there on this ride.
Augie tried to lose
his virginity there
with the strong man.
That's why you should care
about this place, man.
Whatever. Hey, bro,
can I get a mint?
No.
Come on.
I'm always lending you stuff
and you never pay me back.
Don't bust my balls,
just give me a mint.
All right, look, if you promise
to hit me back, I'll give you
one of my La Petit mints.
Okay, I promise
to give you one back.
So, you currently have
mints in your possession?
I have a pack of mints
in my pocket right now.
I just happen to like
Remy's flavor better.
All right, well, just swear
on the Book of Beelzebub.
Fine, I swear.
- Gimme your hand.
- Why?
- Blood oath.
- Ow! Geez!
Who does that anymore?
Uh, "By the smitten brow
of Beelzebub",
"this oath doth bind me.
May I keep its sacred word,"
"or Beelzebub
will find me."
Yes! It's official.
Ugh. Fuck, finally.
Mmmm.
Now, that's a refreshing mint.
That's what I'm talking about.
Yes, I'm aware of that.
Now, give me one of yours.
Ah, yes, of course.
Hmm, wait a minute,
that's weird.
Oh, man,
I thought I had my mints,
but I guess I don't.
Sorry, I guess
I can't honor my oath.
Oh! Typical Curt,
promise and don't deliver.
Typical Remy,
always keeping score.
Uh, guys...
- You made an oath!
- Who cares?
- You swore on Devil shit.
- Fuck Devil shit!
Look out!
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's going on?
Everything's going in!
- Hey!
- Curt!
Help me!
Hold on!
What the hell's going on?!
What the fuck?!
This one of your
bullshit tricks, Remy!
If this is a prank,
I'm gonna fucking kill you!
Piece of shit!
- What just happened?!
- I don't know! -Jesus Christ!
I have no idea what I just saw.
What did you do?
What are you talking about?
What did I do?
I didn't conjure up a vortex!
Curt just got sucked into
anoter dimension, Remy.
Oh, really, Augie?
I thought that portal
went to Barnes and Noble.
We gotta go in after him.
Curt wouldn't go in after me!
Yeah, he would, he's your friend.
I hate friends!
You were the one that
made a blood oath.
Ah, all right! Let's go.
This mysterious portal.
Better be quick.
What is that?!
Dippin' Dots!
I wish we were
in Barnes and Noble.
I'm not being a pussy,
that was really scary, right?
I'm so scared, my shit
just shit its pants.
Where are we?
I don't know! Why do you
act like I've done this before?
- What are those things?
- Look, it's Curt!
I'm an American, jack,
get your hands off me!
Don't waterboard me, dude.
Where are we?
We're screwed.
Who are those people?
Lake of Fire!
Sin! Lake of Fire! Sin!
Lake of Fire! Sin!
Lake of Fire!
Holy shit!
Dude, we gotta hide!
May I take your order?
I will, have, uh
a pepperoni pizza, please.
There ain't no pepperoni pizza.
Oh, I'm sorry, but it does say
Pizza Hut and Taco Bell,
so I thought maybe
I could get some pizza, as well.
It says "pizza" and it says "taco,"
but we only got taco.
You're being tortured.
Oh, all right.
Order another pizza.
I think I see where this is headed.
Just order the damn pizza!
I will have, uh, a pizza with
extra cheese, please.
There ain't no pizza.
You can have a chalupa,
burrito... churro.
Now, it does say
Pizza Hut/Taco Bell.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Welcome to Hell.
Oh, my God!
We're in Hell!
Lake of Fire!
If you lend him a pen,
he chews on it.
Lake of Fire!
Fat guy with a nickname "Tiny."
Lake of Fire!
Lunch?
Damn, man, we got
20 minutes before break.
Oh, who's gonna know?
Sometimes I think your
heart's not in this anymore.
Sorry, man,
I'm just going through
some fucking life changes
right now, you know?
I'm gonna throw you
in the fucking flame.
- Is that a mortal?
- What the fuck are you doing?
Who, us?
Just floatin' around.
Tryin' to get hammed, dude.
Spring breakin' it.
Some bullshit's going on.
Take 'em back to processing.
No, no, no, no.
Take 'em to the office.
- Where?!
- Wait, let's talk about this.
Ouch! Hey!
Come on!
Ouch! Ouch!
Oh, okay, okay!
Please remove
all religious paraphernalia.
If you're a priest or a nun,
that's just really funny
because you wasted your life.
Enjoy your stay in Hell,
and remember,
you're here for a reason
or you're Jewish.
Pick up after yourself.
Your mother doesn't live here.
If she does, she was a whore.
What is this place?
Wait, what the fuck is that thing?
- Remy, Remy!
- What? There's nobody here.
I don't know, Augie,
this place is incredible.
No, Remy, don't touch anything.
This is "stranger danger"
all around us.
Now, everyone,
eat your own genitals.
We already ate them.
Well, throw up your genitals
and eat them again!
Our budget is out of control!
And I've got a report here
that says
we're making lost souls
walk over warm coals.
Uh, they're pretty hot.
I walked over them myself!
It felt like a freaking
foot massage!
We've all had to cut corners.
Even the gluttons are
beginning to look anorexic.
Our dental plan has
a steep deductible.
Our union hasn't had
a sacrifice in 3 years.
The reason that shit's
all fucked up
is 'cause we're not
paying our people right.
Yeah, our team!
Hell yeah, nigger!
Dude, I can't believe
you used the "n" word.
What? No, I can say it
down here, down here's okay.
All of you get the fuck out of here!
He is being a real bitch today.
Gloria, hold my calls.
Ah, hump day.
The lunch room fridge
will be cleaned out on Friday.
They should at least
give us 'til Monday.
Well... If you leave any food...
drinks or containers in there...
No.
My spring rolls?
They will be thrown out.
That's my food!
It's still good! -What?
P.S. You also have
a time-sensitive email from
the Demon's Union.
Oh! Demon's Union!
What do they want?
They put in a request
to have the new mortal
tortured and sacrificed.
Curt's gonna be sacrificed?
Ugh, we've gotta find him.
Oh, boy!
P.P.S. Barb's on her way
down here from Heaven.
What?! She's flying down
here right now?
I'll tell her you're unavailable.
No, no! Tell her I've cleared
my schedule just for her.
Okay.
I'm gonna be off the grid
for a few minutes.
Now, I'll just rub one out
so I don't finish too quickly tonight.
Ah! Shirtz N Skinz with a "z".
? I love the way
she holds my horns
? Now we'll get naked
as the day we born
? She's straight from Heaven
? I won't let go
I won't... let... go...
Hey, Remy, what are you doing?
I'm looking for clues
to help us find Curt.
Oh, the Devil's cell phone.
That might come in handy.
Whoa. The Devil's actual
Devil's Brew.
Oh, oops.
Augie!
Are you okay?!
Yeah, motherfucker!
That's the real shit!
More, more. I need more please!
Give me more, please!
I'd drink a pint of ass blood
for another sip of that brew.
I need it inside of me!
If Heaven's right,
then I wanna be wrong
in Hell with this
sweet, sweet ambrosia!
? Doo wop doot doot
doot doot doo wop
? Doot doot doot doot doo wop
? Doot doot doot doot doo wop
Love seat.
? She's my angel
What the hell are
you two doing here?
We're just trying
to save our friend, Curt.
- Uh, yeah, yeah.
- You know, just in and out.
Really? Who do you
think you are, Orpheus?
Who's Orpheus?
You don't know your
Greek mythology, do ya?
Orpheus, the mortal
who came down to Hell
to rescue his wife?
Anyone?
Man, public education.
No wonder the Chinese
are kickin' our ass.
Wait, so he finds mortals
and rescues them from Hell?
Because you know what
we do to mortals in Hell...
Barb is on her way down to your office.
I told her she can't
go in unannounced.
Damn! Look, I'm gonna
kill both of you,
but I need some time alone
with an angel, first.
So, sit over here and enjoy
your last few moments alive.
It's gonna be great,
you're gonna love it.
Take your time!
Yeah, no hurry!
See ya in a few!
I'll be lovin' you for so long
? I don't know if
it's right or wrong
Ooh!
Whoa, Devil,
look at this new style of yours.
You're quite the dandy.
That's a real statement.
Wow, you really look good.
Oh, you.
- How do you do it?
- Low-carbs and porn.
Barb, you got nice ones.
Aww, see I'm not
wearing a bra, either.
No, your wings.
Have you had work done
on your wings?
- No.
- They're gorgeous.
Oh, Devil, stop it.
I have a little problem.
I wanna help so bad.
Somehow, I have to find
and extract two mortals
from unauthorized damnation
within your jurisdiction.
Two mortals, huh?
If I find 'em for ya,
what's my reward?
If you find them,
I'll do things with you
that would make
the Internet blush.
Oooh... yeah!
This is my lucky day.
Look over there, Barb!
Mini-golf?
Wait, uh, hold on.
Keep looking.
- What?
- Ugh! Work, machine!
Gotcha! Doh!
You know what?
Stop. Just stop.
Wait, Barb, where are you going?
I'm flying back to Heaven.
Don't text me until
you've found the two mortals.
Wait, Barb, I...
I love you!
Good luck!
Gloria, I need you
to put out an APB
on those two mortals
and make it clear
that if they're not found,
I will rip every demon's head off!
Do you have any idea
where they're heading?
I might've told them
about Orpheus a little.
Wait, wait, wait...
Attention, demons.
There are 2 mortals
on the loose in Hell,
so if everyone could
put down your spears
and look around your work area.
Repeat, two mortals...
Did we just get name-checked
by Hell's Public Address System?
One is a normal-looking
guy and the other one
looks like he only eats dough.
That seemed a little mean.
Anybody?
Augie, Augie, check it out.
A gondola. Let's go!
We are deploying
all demons to locate
and capture the two mortals.
They are on their way
to find Orpheus.
Orpheus!
We're gone-dola in 60 seconds.
Boo.
What? "Gone in Sixty Seconds"
is a movie about you eating a wedding cake.
Do you know where we're going?
Let's find Orpheus.
I got an idea for another
great punishment.
Imagine this: hot girl,
she asks you out.
She's like, "Hey, let's go
do Bikram yoga."
You go, you do yoga.
It's hot, it's sweaty,
she looks fucking great.
She shows you every major
flexibility that she has.
Sweaty in all the right places.
What do you call that one move?
Dog down.
She can get her feet
behind her ears.
Legs behind her fucking neck...
and walk home on her ass.
She's making her body
into that alphabet
right there on that yoga mat.
A, B, C, D...
And she's spelling out
"Fuck me"... - Of course she is.
...while you're doing yoga,
which sucks for you,
but you're gonna do it
because you're gonna get
to fuck this hot girl after.
Oh, I love that!
End of the night,
"Good night, I gotta go home."
What?!
So, you do yoga
day after day and no sex.
That would be
the ultimate punishment
for any man.
That's a great punishment.
I've always feared
that I was meant
to die a virgin,
like that's my main purpose.
Shut up, Augie!
Hey, does that look
like those mortals?
They found us!
Oh, I guess it is.
Throw them in the Lake of Fire!
The mortals have been spotted
on the Devil's Gondola.
- Come on.
- Over here.
Bring back the mortals, alive.
Let's go!
Aw!
3, 2, 1...
It's a living.
Yee-ha.
Run! Run!
Get back here!
You're not goin' anywhere!
Augie!
I'm gonna fuck you two up!
Where you gonna go now?
Hold on!
There he is! Get him!
Kill him!
No, my mints!
Hey, everybody, we got mints!
It's raining mints!
Hold on!
You like getting stabbed?
I'll cut that
little face of yours.
Maybe I'll make a bigger mouth.
Here, you want a soda pop?
Ooh, I wouldn't
say "no."
It's flat.
You got flat soda.
You got me.
Here, you want some
neopolitan ice cream?
Oh, thank you.
All right, here it is.
Now, someone seems to have
eaten all of the chocolate and vanilla.
That's right!
You just have strawberry.
You should drink some of this milk.
I'm not usually a milk-drinker.
Oh! -It's Quick!
- Yeah...
- It's Strawberry Quick!
It's not even Chocolate Quick.
No, it's that strawberry crap.
- It's not fun.
- Welcome to Hell.
Let's see, alumni
association, no thanks.
Starving children,
fuck you. Heh.
Devil? Sal and Dave
called to say they lost
the two mortals
you were looking for.
I think Barb's gonna
be disappointed.
Damn it! I'm surrounded
by idiots.
Put them through.
Hey, boss.
What are you doing?
I just did yoga.
Turns out, dudes only.
Huge bummer.
Oh, good! Oh, good!
You're finding your core.
This is good to hear.
Once you find your core,
go find the mortals!
Okay, plan of attack.
Let's see, if I...
Aha! Gloria, I need you to announce
the biggest sacrifice at the Crossroads
that Hell has ever seen.
Okay, Devil.
Then, I'll simply wait
for the other mortals
to come to me.
I really gotta grow a mustache.
Now, let's see here.
Push this...
Whoa!
Faster than I remembered...
This elevator can't be up to code.
Let's see, the last time
it was inspected was...
Okay, voided my bowels.
You can do this, buddy.
This is for the demons.
They love this shit.
Let's do this!
All right, everybody!
Prepare to meet our dark lord!
Grrr!
All hail the God of Lies!
You're goddamn right!
The worst of the worst!
Fuckin' A!
The Hell Pig of Butt Mountain!
Don't love that one.
The douchiest of all bags.
That was kinda mean, actually
The dick of all assholes!
Okay, that's enough.
The guy who fucked your mother
and tells you about it!
Always! Just one step
too far.
Where's the fucking mortal?!
Hot fuck action to the max,
that's what I like,
hot fuck action
to the max...
got a big dick.
What do you have
to say for yourself?
Where am I?!
You poor, dumb bastard.
You don't even know
what's going on.
Fella, you're in Hell.
Oh, boy.
And who are you?
Can you believe this guy?
I'm the fucking Devil!
No one had the decency
to torture this guy
before I got down here?
The boys were just hoping
to see the master at work.
You are the man, the Devil!
Enough ass-kissing.
Now, which one of these
dastardly contraptions
shall I use?
Ah! Perhaps this one!
Oh, no, no,
that's our
foosball table, chief.
Agh!
Moving on!
Aha! Get in here.
Okay.
There! Tell me of the
pain you feel
so we may laugh at you!
Ah, okay, um,
actually the bouncing
up and down is kind of giving me
a tickle in a funny spot.
It is not tickling!
- Is this a Sybian?
- No!
I assure you, this is a Sybian.
- You get off this.
- Try this.
- Let me on.
- Let me...
Let me on!
It's a Sybian.
Oh, wait a minute, guys.
Seriously, come on.
What do you want?
I'll give you anything.
Please don't do this,
for God's... please.
I'll stroke your shaft
and play with your nuts.
I'll stick my fingers
in your ass.
I will tickle your balls.
I'll suck everybody's cock here.
Whose cock is first?
Don't do this!
I'll su...
Kill them all and
let God sort 'em out.
Who's next?
Shut up or I'll drill
your brains and
turn you into sex zombies.
Why are you mortals here?
I, uh, uh...
He found a crying Devil book
and made our friend
take a blood oath,
which I was up for,
but now I look back on
as a mistake.
And he broke the oath.
That's why we're here.
Not because I...
Why are you looking for Orpheus?
Because he, he, he...
Because Orpheus is
the only one who can
save our friend!
Girl.
Hey, you tricked us!
Yeah, that's false advertising.
I know, I'm bad.
But I could still kill you
'cause I'm half-demon.
Oh, okay.
Take me to Orpheus!
Only if you take
us to Curt first.
Fuck no.
Um... yeah,
the way I see it,
you can't find
Orpheus without us,
so we've got the
upper hand, purple lady.
Take me to Orpheus.
Ahh!
Hey, that's my heart.
Ten, nine...
Heart belongs in body.
Oh, do you need
your little heart?
Seven... Pretty sure
you're gonna die.
Take my liver.
It's already dead.
It needs its owner.
Put it back in.
Five... Oh, it's slowing
down... three...
two...
It shouldn't be
outside of my body...
Take your last breath.
Okay, okay, okay,
don't kill my friend!
Oh!
I saw a white light
and then my grandmamommy
was there and she was like,
"Hey, Remington,
would you like a cookie?"
Where's Orpheus?!
Okay, okay, I got
his address in here.
Gah, cracked screen.
He's in the ancient...
Ah, the Ancient Realm.
It looks like the corner of...
Inferno and Martin Luther
King Jr. Drive.
Sounds like a good neighborhood.
Do you know where that is?
Durmessa, that lying bitch.
He's been down there
this whole time.
Uh, everything okay?
Yeah. You guys help me
find Orpheus
and I'll get you
to your friend Curt.
Yes! -Deal!
Okay, everyone.
Keep it down.
Let's get this thing started.
Ooh! Is that the mortal
you're feedin' to Beelzebub?
Don't worry about it, 'kay?
I got it handled.
Gang, Curt.
Curt, gang.
Hey, nobody told me it was
Bring Your Mortal to Work Day.
Oh, is that what
you think we're here for,
so you can all make jokes?
I just got word
we're going to start
judging pets so
dogs can go to Heaven.
You know what that means?
Yes! We're getting all
the asshole dogs!
Yeah, we get, like,
inbred motherfuckers.
Uh-huh, that's a lot
of dogs.
I'm not running a kennel here.
Hey, you, does
everyone have dogs?
Well, not everyone.
I have a cat.
You know the hardest part
about having cats is?
Telling your parents your gay.
Hey! Cut the homophobic
shit! You got it?
Did you know that Azazel
over here is gay?
Sorry, to out you, Az.
Anyway...
Now I gotta figure out
who's gonna clean up
all that dog shit!
No!
Hey, bro, just let
the fucking mortal do it.
Or, feed it to the gluttons.
Yeah, dawg!
Yeah, that's the way to do it!
All of you, get the
fuck out of here!
What-what. Somebody's
crazy evil today.
Curt, come sit over here, buddy.
Hold on! It's gonna
get bumpy!
Deema, I think we're lost!
The GPS says we're supposed
to pass a bail bonds
and a wig store.
These idiots that work for me
make a pile of shit
and then they say,
"Turn it into roses."
Whoa!
Wh... What happened?
Oh, that's better.
Bro, you just fucking shrunk.
Well, that version
of me is sort of
my business suit.
- Keeps the demons in line.
- Really?
Devil, the computer network
is down again.
I don't need this right now.
And IT can't get here
'til tomorrow.
Do you know that
everything we use here
is Dell?
- Can you believe that?
- Uh...
I would much prefer a Mac.
It's friendlier for
creative types.
You know, I consider
myself an artist.
Oh, an artist like
Picasso or Banksy?
Can I see some work?
Well, I do have this one thing
that I've been working on.
Oh, you gotta let me see it.
It's a blacklight painting.
You see here,
this is a little Devil,
on a dune buggy,
right, and he's flipping off...
What, what is that?
I can't read your reaction.
No, it's really good.
Interesting thing about this...
It's like a fucking cartoon.
Nope, that's a realist painting.
That's fucking hilarious.
God, do you have
any more funny pictures?
No. You don't get to see
any more of my art.
There's your first punishment in Hell.
- That's...
- You did it to yourself.
We're almost there.
Gotta go to the bathroom.
Use a cup.
This is the way to Orpheus.
What is this place,
a microbrewery?
Stay behind me and keep quiet.
What the fuck is that thing?
Durmessa.
You wanna party?
Ugh, she's been in
a 2000-year bender.
I want you to come on over here
and look under my flap.
Please, stop.
Oh, is that right, Mom?
Mom?
How could you do it?
All these years I've
been searching
and he's been down here
this whole time.
He's a fuck-face
and a deadbeat.
What? Orpheus
is a poet
and noble warrior.
You're in love with a drink.
You wouldn't dare!
Open the portal.
You stupid little bitch!
Devil's brew!
I'll lick your can
for 30 more drops!
Stop it! I'll fucking
kill you.
Deema!
You should've told me.
I'm a swan.
My bottom
says "meow."
You fat pillbilly!
Ow.
You're letting us through!
Stop it!
I made smelly.
God, Deema!
Parkour!
My hand and feet are cops.
My hand and feet are cops.
Oh, momma.
Oh, God!
Why are we going down here again?
Curt! - Right.
- Your friend Curt.
- Our friend Curt.
Yeah...
He's not what you think.
He's only gonna
disappoint you, Deema.
I'm used to disappointment.
It feels like my brain is vibrating
in a good way.
Best thing about whippits,
you'll feel totally fine
in 15 seconds.
We used to do these
at the carnival all the time.
So, Devil, what's
your story, man?
How'd you get down here?
I used to live
upstairs, you know?
Was actually besties
with the Big Man.
- You mean God?
- Yes, sir.
I was in charge of his armies, too.
But, they went off to battle and
I was off with this
sweet set of wings...
Oh, man! There was this angel
that was epic in bed.
She had a pussy
inside her pussy.
What? Is that real?!
Turns out, God was
dating her, too,
so I guess I'm the asshole.
So, wait, wait, wait.
You're the Devil
and have been condemned
to Hell for eternity for fucking
God's girlfriend?
Yep.
Whoa, sounds like you got
some kind of angel fetish, man.
They're gonna be
the death of me.
Check this shit out.
Uh, yeah! Wow!
What's her name?
Barb. I fuckin'
love her, man.
But she barely knows I exist.
Oh, I doubt that.
Oh, man, those
wings are so white
and soft.
Barb, why aren't we married?
Migraines in Hell
are really bad.
I blacked out.
Yeah... don't let me
drink Devil's brew again.
Oh, my God.
Hey, I didn't have sex
with that blue lady, did I?
Not in the biblical sense.
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
This must be the way to Orpheus.
What, we're gonna swim there?
Nope, we're gonna
take that submersible.
Cool!
Augie, take this rope
and attach it to that hook.
Remy, you go inside
and man the controls.
Come on, hop to it.
Jeez, whose side are you on?
What you don't like team work?
I'm just trying to
be positive and
build a foundation
of trust within
the framework...
Oh, yeah!
Me strokey.
Me have a strokey.
Losing motor skills.
Tasting pennies...
I'm releasing the first
cable now, Augie.
Damn it, Augie, get inside!
I have to adjust the
ballast manually.
Hey, what happened?
I'm so fake interested.
Whoa.
- Whoa.
- Purple paradise.
Come, you guys,
if we're gonna get through this,
you're gonna have
to listen to me.
I do what I want when I want.
Really?
Get this off me!
You're gonna wear this
untl you learn to listen.
Well, dip me in salt
and lick my asshole.
What?
It's a saying
I'm trying to get started.
Hey, what's this?
Yeah, that's my idea book.
I jot down new
punishments I think of
as I go about my day.
Well, the Devil has
a little genius pad.
Let's hear what you got.
It's a catapult, right,
with poop inside.
See, now, these here,
they're stink lines.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, Devil.
That dude getting
sacrificed looks
a lot like me.
Yeah, my cartoonist
is good, huh?
You mean that's
supposed to be me?
Yeah, you're the one
being sacrificed.
I thought I told you that.
Wh...? Oh...
Augie, get your head
in the game, man.
- What's the matter with you?
- I don't know, Remy.
I think I'm in love.
Oh, no, no, no.
We're coming in too fast.
You wouldn't even know
what to do with her.
Okay, little tubby kid
from "Goonies"?
Thirty degrees to starboard!
I got it, Deema!
I'll do it.
See? We have
a connection, Remy.
Why is the sub listing?
Oh, no, this is
really bad, Augie.
She said "Augie."
You're in the friend zone
and you don't even know it!
How would you
know the friend zone?
I've only read about
the friend zone
in Bummer Magazine.
See, I love nobody,
and that's what makes
me a leader.
What the fuck is that?!
This is an RPG nightmare.
Where there's no leveling up.
Oh, my God.
Deema, are you okay?
We've crossed over
to the Ancient Realm.
Get behind me!
You travel the path of Orpheus?!
Yes, we do!
Then know the fate of Orpheus!
Get it? This is the
fate of Orpheus.
I'm still alive.
This mech is pretty tits, right?
Huh?
Hahahahaha.
Wait, you're Orpheus?
I've spent my
whole life dreaming
of the day I could
finally meet you.
Well, that's very flattering,
but I try to be upfront
with all my groupies.
I'm not the marrying type.
No, we've come to rescue you.
You can rescue my sperm
from my testes.
You guys wanna see my digs?
Uh, fuck and yes together equals
fuck yes!
Then, fucking yes
it is, let's do this.
Orpheus!
Nice to meet you, I'm Augie.
I put Skittles in my cereal.
Who is this mushy man?
We were told you're an expert
at getting mortals out of Hell.
Who told you that?
Is that true?
You're really gonna kill me?
Yeah.
I thought we had a good thin
going on here.
We were just bro-in' out.
We were, but it says here that
you made a blood oath
and you broke it.
Seriously, a blood oath?
Yeah, it was dumb.
Nobody does blood oaths anymore!
Not since that guy
fucked a monkey.
Well, I...
You promised somebody
a breath mint
and you reneged.
Really?
Ha-ha. That is lame.
But also punishable by death
and an eternity in Hell.
Damn. Seriously, there's
nothing you can do?
If you'd given him a mint back,
you wouldn't even be here.
With my ideas for Hell,
I'm worth a lot more
to you alive than dead.
Well, you're... You got a point.
Hmm, options, possibilities.
You know, I could give
another mortal
to the Demons Union,
spare your life.
That's great!
What can I do to repay you?
Why don't you help me
to make this sacrifice
a huge event?!
A spectacle so big...
that it might even
impress a certain angel.
Deal! - Deal.
That's it?
Thank you, Devil!
Actually,
I'm going to need you to sign
and initial this and this.
It's a non-disclosure agreement.
Oh, and anyone working here
under my employ needs
to pass a urine test.
We just did drugs together,
like, an hour ago.
I know, I just kinda
wanted your piss.
Down here!
No way!
That's so rad.
Hey, is that a pogo stick?
It sure is, Bromeo. Hundred
and fifty jumps yesterday.
- Give it up, no breaks.
- What-what?
Yeah-yeah!
Wait, I thought you said
pogo sticks were for pussies.
You said what about a pogo stick?
You said that a pogo stick
was a dick
and only a pussy would need
to jump up and down on it over and over.
No, I didn't say pogo sticks,
I said hobo dicks.
Why is this woman lying?
He's a fat little lesbian that lies.
I like pogo sticks.
I would never disrespect
a pogo stick.
This is what you've been doing
for the last 2,000 years?
You've been down here
playing with toys?
Check that as a "yes."
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
No, thank you, Charon,
we're fine.
That guy thinks
his boats are the shit.
The wood is rotting.
It's a boat only fit
for illegal immigrants.
I wish he'd just row back to Cuba!
Remy Rems, check out my skills, yo.
Hell, yeah, man.
- Wow!
- Pretty cool, huh? That's me.
She looks pretty hot.
Look how hot I am.
That's incredible, man.
You painted that?
I painted it and posed for it
at the same time.
How do you even
physically do that?
- You're amazing.
- Remy, I am just like you.
I put my underwear on
one ball at a time.
When did you learn to paint?
The moment I was born,
I came out of the womb
and I quickly turned around
and I painted
my mother's vagina.
You guys like the lyre?
Is that like a guitar?
I don't know.
Does the guitar
increase the gravity
of a pair of women's panties?
Mmm-hmm.
I could make a tree
bone me with this thing.
And the trees will
bone you here,
so be careful.
Does this sound right to you?
Yeah, that sounds good.
A tree will fuck me?
When I was a small boy,
I was walking through a forest
and a tree tried
to overpower me.
Oh, really?
What did you do?
He pushed me on the ground
and wrapped his leaves
around my face and arms.
And then the next thing I knew,
a branch was penetrating my ass.
Oh, God!
It was a pointy, pointy branch.
I mean, did he wear, like,
a leaf condom or anything?
No, just bark.
When he was done,
he shed his acorns upon my back.
Oh, that's the worst
thing I've ever heard.
Um, Orpheus, uh,
what were you wearing
when the tree violated you?
You think I asked for it?
Were you maybe
dressed like a bush?
I was dressed like
a human being!
All right, I'm sorry!
I'm gonna go start a shelter
for tree rape victims.
It's not a joke!
Uh, Mr. Orpheus,
why have you stayed
here if you could
leave at any time?
Especially with trees
like my Uncle Carl.
Well, me and my road dawgs
used to come down
here all the time,
rescuing virgins,
and they'd say,
"Oh, wassup now,
gangsta, let me"
"thank you with my lady parts."
"Well, if I must."
"Oh, by the way,
this baby's yours."
And then I'm just like,
"I'm outta here, missy!"
Responsibilities, that shit
is zombiewalk, man.
I'm like black people,
I'll take freedom.
Preacher, meet the choir.
Wow, Orpheus,
don't you ever get
lonely down here?
You must have once wished
you had a family, right?
Guess what?
No.
Fun times
we're all having together.
You know what else would be fun?
Finding Curt.
It's the reason
we came down here.
Oh, fine. Whatevs.
I can get you
wherever you wanna go,
but first,
you must pass...
the Trials of the Mortals.
Well, I hope you all are ready
for a physical challenge.
Who wants to see how good I am?
Um...
Yes! Okay...
Moving, moving,
breathing very hard.
Super-strong,
super speed.
Watch me fucking leap so high!
Stuck it.
I can leap and fart
at the same...
Fuck me!
It hurts so bad.
I'm weak.
You know what?
You guys are good.
Everyone passed,
A-pluses. Thank you.
Warriors, I've tested
your mind and body.
Now, the hardest test of all.
You must resist that which tears
all mortal men apart, women.
In a minute, a super-hot
sexy bitch is going
to come through that door and
try to seduce you into
telling her the secret word.
She will stop at
absolutely nothing,
to get it out of you.
You will want to fuck
her silly, trust me.
No matter what she does,
no matter how long
she fucks you,
do not give her the secret word.
I repeat, do not give it to her!
The secret word
is "jasmine."
Whoo-hoo, boys!
Who wants to take
their ball sacks
and put 'em in my mouth?
Jasmine! Jasmine!
Jasmine! Jasmine!
You all failed
to resist her charms.
I was watching from a remote
monitor in the other room.
But you can all move on.
Back to my tiki bar!
- Yes!
- All right!
The one that I built
out of that tree
that sodomized me.
Didn't we pass?
I don't understand.
I can't believe
I've spent my entire life
looking for this loser.
I just need to find out
one thing for sure
and then I can
put this behind me.
Wait, what?
Garcon, these men
need some victory juice
to pour down our head holes.
Let's make a toast!
- To rescuing Curt!
- No.
To all the road dawgs
who had the courage
to leave their pregnant wives!
Yeah, fuck them hos.
Orpheus, I bet you like
all flavor bitches.
The fuck I do.
Chinese, Asian,
Korean, Pan-Asian,
- Pan-Korean.
- Goo-goo-gai pan.
That's a Cantonese dinner dish.
Yeah.
You'd fuck a
Cantonese dinner dish?
Um... yes.
Well, then, cool.
Pfft.
But no fat bitches.
No!
Deema...
You're the coolest chick ever.
You're just like me.
If you didn't have a pussy,
I'd think you were my son.
And if you didn't have a pussy,
I'd think you were my dad.
Oh, busted!
Come on, Orpheus,
get on the real real.
You never fucked a demon?
Well, okay, there was just
this one.
What was it like?
So, we're in the bone zone,
I'm really finding my rhythm
and suddenly, she drops the,
"Oh, let's move into my
cottage made of tentacles,"
and I was like,
"Peace out."
Man, I heard she
really plumped up.
Twinkies just jumped
into her mouth.
What was her name?
Mmm, I barely remember.
I believe it was, uh...
hmmm...
Durmessa.
Oh, shit!
My face!
You deadbeat dad.
All this time,
I thought you were
being held captive
against your will.
I convinced myself that is
why you never came home.
Wait, Deema, let's talk.
You're still gonna take us
to Curt, right?
I don't know where he is!
Orpheus was supposed
to have all the answers.
You lied?
Of course I lied.
That's what demons do.
What a purple bitch!
How dare you say that to her!
Someday, she will
be my purple wife!
I told you she was a liar.
Oh, yeah, that's right
because you're
smarter than everybody.
I'm Remy, look at
my weird haircut.
I wear a corduroy
peacoat and listen
to dubstep music.
Well, I'm tired of it!
Women usually do that to me
after I make love to them.
Augie!
Fuck him, Remy.
Let's watch my
sweet-ass flat screen.
I have the entire
"Big Momma's House" trilogy.
Deema!
Uh?
You're pathetic, you know that?
Yeah.
- Where are you even going?
- Nowhere.
I was just looking for you.
I still think we can make
a great team-a.
I don't know why
you still believe in me.
I come from a lying demon
and a selfish mortal.
Doesn't change who you are.
My dad's a big jerk
and my mom lied to him
about being a woman.
Okay, um, I don't know
what to do with that,
Augie, but thanks for
giving me another chance.
Get in.
Whoa. Ahh.
Twitter alert from
the Demon Union.
What does it say?
It's a reminder to
tune in and watch
the mortal sacrifice
tonight at the Crossroads.
That's where they're
gonna sacrifice Curt!
Do you know how to get there?
Yeah, it's really close to here.
Big Momma,
you fooled them again.
Would you fuck Big Momma?
Yes.
Would you?
Bro-dawg,
I've fucked every woman
I've ever met.
Except for that
smokin' angel Barb.
She's the one that got away.
What happened?
She just wanted to be
stupid friends.
Ugh, I don't need
friends anymore.
Ya know what I mean?
I need bros.
Yeah.
You know what I's saying, man.
Wake up, see my bros
in the bunk bed above me.
Play video games,
then we order some Za.
We eat it with all
of our bros together,
high-fiving after
eating each bite.
Then we all take
a shit together.
You have a bathroom
with 5 toilets,
everyone making eye contact
while reading Maxim.
And the next day,
we do the same thing.
It's the way
of the bro, like you said.
Well, your way of the bro is
a little different than mine,
but I hear you.
Coming up tonight,
from the Quick-Jet Printer
Replacement Cartridge Stadium,
Shirtz and Skinz perform
their latest single.
Later, mortal Curt Meyers
will be sacrficed live!
Shit! Curt!
Wassup?
We gotta go.
Go wear, bra?
- Orpheus, we gotta save Curt.
- Huh?
Come on, that's what you do!
You rescue mortals from Hell.
I ain't that guy anymore
That's a young man's game.
What do you say?
One last mission?
Sorry.
Well, then I gotta go on my own.
Why? He's not
your friend, man.
I'm your friend,
you just said it.
You wanted to bro out
and stare at each
other on toilets.
I'm sorry, brother.
I guess I'm gonna go
set 5 mirrors up
in my bathroom and
stare at myself
as I make the forbidden mud.
To the Crossroads!
Pretend you're rowing
to Florida!
Of course his boat
has a hole in it.
What a loser.
Augie!
Hey, Augie!
Hey, Deema, what's goin' on?
Augie, Curt's gonna
be sacrificed.
We have to save him.
We're handling it. Thank you
for your interest.
Um...
Why don't you guys
get in my boat?
Look, man, I know I was a dick.
Just get in.
Fine, you want me to say it?
I suppose you earned it.
I...
I love you, man.
I never realized
how great my friends are
until I had that stupid
thought that I didn't...
blah, blah, blah, middle part,
I haven't made it easy on you,
took you for granted, big close,
I'll never make
this mistake again.
Unh-uhn.
I really need you, dude.
I can't do this on my own.
You...
you need me?
Yep.
To the Crossroads!
You're on in one minute.
Damn, I hate public speaking.
Anyone got a Xanax?
Hey, Hell is ours.
We own this place.
Am I right?
Right, right.
I'm the Devil.
Get out there on that stage
and start struttin' that shit!
Yeah!
Hail Satan!
I give you the Devil!
Oh, and, uh, Curt,
we couldn't find
any other mortals,
so we have to
sacrifice you. Sorry.
Whoa, that's bullshit!
Hold on, wait, wait, wait!
Hurts me more than it...
'kay, thanks, bye.
I'm fucked!
Woo-woo-woo-woo USA!
USA!
USA! USA!
Devil! Come on!
The Devil!
Switch it up! Devil!
Oh, come on!
Devil! U..S...
We are about to meet
our sacrifice!
He's not just your
average oath-breaker.
He's a friendship-
forsaker.
You can't do this to me!
Haha!
Why not?
Because, we made
a deal, remember?
Let me read it.
Uh-huh, boiler plate,
latin, mm-hmm,
legalese...
Read it out loud!
"I will not sacrifice
Curt if he helps me"
"put on a real special show to
impress Barb the Angel."
Aha!
Bullshit! What the hell?
You're right.
It's all right here.
Oh, that is beautiful!
Curt?
Yeah?
When is a contract
not a contract?
When it's eaten!
Aw, Devil, you are
a piece of shit.
I guess your contract
is now null and void.
You all right there, Devil?
Sound a little gassy.
Almost feels like I ate a
bad burrito or something.
Not good.
Look at him.
Demons, continue
with the sacrifice.
Stomach, let me
introduce you to toilet.
You two should get along great.
Hey, ow!
Get off me, man!
Guys! Come on! Shit!
Those demons want blood.
I know how this song ends.
No! They're gonna kill him.
How do we get past those guards?
I got this one.
There's nothing hornier
than a demon in Hell.
? You be a woman to me
? because I like what I see
? The way you're
crossing your knees
? you make me say
"pretty please"
? Make me feel like a man
? I take as much as I can
? Be a woman
? Be a woman, be a woman
? Be a woman?
Help! - Curt!
Hey, help me!
Curt!
Wait, what? Guys!
How the fuck did you get down here?
We came down to save you.
Yo, whaddup?
There's my sweet baby boy.
- Hey!
- Oh, mama missed you.
Easy, Augie.
Who's she?
The Devil's coming back!
The Devil's gonna sacrifice me!
You gotta get me outta here!
All right, let's go.
Nobody mention anything
about his diarrhea.
What the fuck are you doing?
Lake of Fire!
No, no, no, no!
Help me!
Remy! Remy!
Yeah, I'm back!
Keep the fan on in there.
Well, well, what do we have here?
Um, can we get that bridge back?
If you answer "yes"
to any of these questions,
you may have an enlarged prostate.
Do you have difficult urinating?
Yes. -Weak stream?
Yes.
Dribbling?
Yes.
Painful urination?
Yes.
Pussy, yellow discharge?
Yes.
If you answered "yes"
to all of these questions,
go immediately to the hospital.
No.
Okay, in addition to one mortal,
we are also going to sacrifice
the daughter of Orpheus! Zing!
My daughter!
Chew on that, Orphy!
Tough beans!
Oh, shit.
I've got to save her!
Oh, fuck me.
Uh, and I'm off.
Where the hell is my phone?
- Extra order of dipping sauce...
- Gimme that! - And I would like...
But I gave them my credit card!
I told you to stop calling me.
I know, I know,
but I thought you'd like to know
that I found the two mortals
you were looking for.
No way.
You're just saying this
to get me to come down there.
Oh, no, I promise it's true.
How do I know?
Prove it.
You know what I'll take a picture
with my phone and send it to you.
Ah, there and... sending.
What?
It's a dick pic.
Sorry, wrong picture.
Sending...
Oh, my...
Devil, it is the mortals.
I said I would find them
for you and I did.
I'll be right there.
Get ready for some
sweet Devil lovin'.
Hello?
Shirtz and Skinz, you're next.
Last rehearsal.
? She's my angel
Angel
? She's my angel
? She's my angel
Angel, angel
Yeah!
I'm a big fan!
Ah, that's great, man.
Super cool. - Yes!
Want me to sign
something for ya?
Will you autograph
my fist with your face?
Ah, sure, man.
Oh, God.
Oh, shit, God, fuck me.
I came by to inform you
that the concert
has been rescheduled.
The good news is you're all still
- getting paid and laid.
- Cool. - Yes.
Oh, fellas, please leave
your costumes.
And there is an assortment of groupies
waiting outside to suck your dicks.
Fuck yeah, dawg!
My dick's gonna be a straw.
Word.
Okay, demons and damned,
before we sacrifice any mortals,
I'd like to introduce you
to my favorite boy band,
Shirtz and Skinz!
With a "z."
That's the way to do it!
What?!
That's just Shirtz.
Where the fuck is Skinz?
Look, I'm sorry,
the rest of the band
is stuck in traffic.
So, I'm gonna rock
3 times as hard.
? As a young boy I found solace
? in the forest wild and free
? 'til that fateful day
youth was ripped away
? 'neath the boughs
of an old oak tree
? He wrapped his leaves
'round my fragile frame
? and thrust me to the grass
? How my face did blanch
as his mighty branch did
? penetrate my ass
? Now when a tree
comes in the forest,
? tell me, do you think
it makes a sound?
? No, you'll only hear
the wail of a broken tot
? lying butt-up on the ground
? My life and ass both splintered
? and my sphincter torn and loose
? So, I mourn for my lost innocence
? and for all that's pure and good
? And I mourn the day
? I learned the painful meaning of
? morning wood
? morning wood?
What is this shit?
Surprise, surprise!
It is I!
Orpheus?!
You thought I was someone else,
but I'm not someone else.
I'm Orpheus,
the guy that you didn't think I was
but I am now.
Yeah, I get it.
It's called a disguise.
You put it on, I thought you
were someone else.
No more explaining.
I can't believe you made it.
Yeah, you said you were retiring
- from saving mortals.
- I did.
But I never said
anything about retiring
from saving half-mortals.
Really? You came back
here for me?
Yes. Look, I know
I wasn't the best father
and I wasn't around for you.
And I really regret that.
Oh, Dad, that's
so sweet of you to say.
Mmm, yes.
Sweet lips.
Oh, oh, this isn't that.
Oh, I may have slightly
misread that situation.
- Yeah.
- Uh...
we haven't done a DNA test,
so there's still a possibility
that this isn't
totally disgusting.
No.
No matter.
I love you, daughter.
Okay, let's get out of Hell!
Everybody on!
What?! Oh!
Gimme that!
Haha! I win!
It's time for... bam... the sacrifice!
Crucify 'em!
Barb, the one that got away.
Oh, yeah! Slutty angel!
? Easy come, easy go
She's on the wrong side of 40.
Ma-ma.
? We will bring the light
Wish I was that pole.
? We will set the night on fire
? Come on, burn it up
Look, look, here's your mortals!
Orpheus, that song about
getting raped by trees,
it... it was so beautiful and personal.
You're such a sensitive artist.
Barb, I'm a sensitive artist, too!
What the hell?
Look at the painting I did of you.
It's a black light painting.
Of me on a dune buggy.
Aw, jeez Louise.
Sacrifice!
Orpheus isn't going down easy.
Here she is.
We need more ammunition.
You're not gonna kill him, are ya?
Start folding t-shirts.
You're scaring...
Okay.
Darling, I've traveled
many, many miles
to find you.
You have?
Yes.
I've tried to
fight off my feelings,
but the head can't
tell the heart where to go.
What do you say
you, me, and my penis
get hitched
and fly off into the sunset?
The only thing that matters is,
Barb, do you want to spend
the rest of our life together?
? They all said that
? our love stood not a chance
? That our hearts could never
? keep it in their pants
? But when my penis
saw your sweet vagina
? standing 'cross the room
What is this, "Jersey Boys"?
? my scrotum did a backflip
? and my lonely balls did swoon
I hate musicals.
"Mamma Mia" wasn't bad.
? Now it's clear
? that this love was meant to be
? My vagina
? My penis
? You and me
Stop singing!
Oh, shit!
Oh, no!
The demons want blood!
We gotta get outta here now!
- Hurry up!
- Grab a fistful of white!
Hold on!
Load me up!
Wait for me!
- Augie!
- Barb, you gotta go back!
Grab on, tubby!
You don't have to call me that.
Reach with your sausage fingers!
Come on, honey!
Pretend we're made
out of cookie dough!
I got it, go!
Die, Orpheus.
Look out!
Oh, shit!
Barb!
Fucking t-shirts.
No!
We're gaining speed.
We gotta wake her up!
Ah!
She's out cold!
Barb, wake up!
Do something, Remy!
Slap her harder.
Try the back of your hand.
Oh, no!
Ugh, fuck me.
What's that sound?
It's a sex offender alert.
- Cool app.
- Shhh! Quiet!
Run!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Holy shit, these trees
are alive, man!
Careful down here.
There are trees who
think "no" means "yes."
Just don't stop running!
Wait, where's Barb?!
Help!
Help!
I have to go back for Barb!
Dad, no!
We'll catch up to you!
There! Head for the cave!
I'm coming, Barb!
Hold on!
Were you trying to hit her, boss?
I mean, you shot her
right between the eyes.
She's probably fine.
She's an angel.
It was a good shot,
if you meant to hit her.
Knock it off!
Focus.
Of... what's that smell?
True heroes to have
laid such a costly sacrifice
upon the altar of freedom.
Yeah...
But, that's what you get
for chasing pussy.
? Stitching up your wing!
? This is the stitching up
your wing song
Barb, look out!
Don't you touch her!
What?
No, I'm helping her.
Oh, really?
Orpheus?
Tree?
You look familiar.
Orpheus? Orpheus?
Yeah, it's me, you diddler.
I always hoped
I'd run into you someday.
I bet you did.
No, no, it's not like that.
I wanted to apologize
for what I did to you.
"I'm sorry" is just
not going to cut it.
Did you ever get my gift basket?
No.
You're kidding.
I tracked the package.
I understand your anger,
but I've done a lot of work
in therapy to get better.
Is there anything I can do
to make it right?
When I find Orpheus
I'm gonna mount his balls
on a stick!
There is one thing...
Hey, Tree!
Have you see an angel?
I did, yes.
Well, where is she?
Um...
She went...
that way.
Oh, okay.
Well, good to see you.
Keep growing.
Yeah, keep growing, tree.
What do you want me to do to him?
Shed your acorns across his back.
My psychologist
is going to kill me,
but I'll do it.
Let us escape to a secret place
where I can motorboat those wings.
You're so dirty.
Hey, does anybody want to stop
for Red Bull and
crystal meth smoothies?
Oh, shit! Hold on,
like you didn't do last time!
Quit squirming.
Grab on! Pull!
No!
Look, boss, over there!
There's movement.
Let's go!
Wha... what are you gonna do to me?
What do they want from me?!
No! No! No! No!
I've got a pig in a blanket.
That tree is putting on lipstick.
Curt! Deema! Remy!
Are you fucking serious?
I hope that's for marshallows.
No, no, no, no!
Hold on!
Yeah!
Bullseye!
What the fuck?!
Grrr! This is my house.
You gonna screw with me?
You had a mint the whole time?
What? - A mint!
I didn't know it was there.
It must've been stuck
in the lining of my shirt.
I swear!
Who gives a shit
about a stupid mint?!
A mint?
Don't let him eat that mint!
Oh, shit!
That's it, Remy!
Eat that mint!
It's too late.
I don't want your mint now.
No, no, it's not about that.
It'll reverse the curse.
It'll get us out.
Quick, man, hurry up!
Get me that mint!
C'mon!
Put the whole thing in your mouth.
Can't reach!
Eat it!
Get your lips around that mint!
I've tried my whole life!
Gulp it down!
Take all of it down your throat!
Make this sound when you do it.
It helps!
Tickle your balls!
Demon, quick!
Remy, eat it! Eat it!
Hurry up!
Remy! Yeah!
You did it, man!
Yeah! I can touch my dick
with my tongue!
Hey, Remy, look!
Holy shit!
What?
Ah! That portal's
kinda scaring me, boss!
Yeah, I'm thinking
I just go back up top
and call it a day.
No, no!
Wh-wha-whoa!
Augie, hold on!
Take my hand!
Don't let go!
No! No!
Remy! - Hold on!
Wait, tell me where Barb is!
No, no, no!
Later, Devil!
Wait, wait, no!
Gah!
Hello, Devil.
Care for some wine?
Uh, no thanks, I'm okay.
It's an earthy bordeaux
and it pairs wonderfully with
I'm-going-to-rape-you.
Look, over there!
It appears the better man has won.
Don't worry, you'll still get
a chance to be with her.
I will?
I'm going to go to Walgreen's
and buy a shitty Devil mask
and fuck her silly
while I wear it.
Oh, don't! Oh, come on!
Sorry, Devil.
I'm a pretty package
with an ugly gift inside.
Hail Satan.
Hail Satan.
Hail Satan.
Holy shit! We're back!
I love this place!
Oh, my God! We did it!
God, I miss the smell
of cotton candy.
Augie, you have a syringe
stuck to your face.
This place hasn't changed a bit.
Definitely an opiate.
What?
Where have you guys been?
Cleb!
Man, am I glad to see you.
What's going on here?
Whose treasure is this?
This book is amazing!
The Devil is the new Jesus.
Who knew?
Devil tears sell better
than Dippin' Dots.
Remy, your idea worked!
Yes! Oh, my God, yes!
We did it!
What are we gonna do
with all this money?
? Let's go
? One foot in front of the other
? I don't really wanna be oblivious
? Oblivious
? Where are all the clouds
? with the silver lining?
? Have they blown away?
? Oh, where are all the clouds
? with the silver lining?
? Have they blown away?
? Hey, now, my sisters and brothers,
? do you really wanna be oblivious?
? Oblivious
? Where are all the clouds
? with the silver lining?
? Have they blown away?
? Oh, where are all the clouds
? with the silver lining?
? Have they blown away?
Let me just push this button
to get this escalator started up again.
Thank you.
Oh, yeah, that's right,
there's no button!
Start walking.
So, just walk up to the top?
Yeah.
No motor going to help you out here.
You're just going
to walk up that escalator.
Is it something, like,
it's, a million miles long,
the escalator or...
A million miles long?
That's pretty good.
That would be unpleasant.
Yeah, that'd be real unpleasant.
I only made it one story tall.
Um, but you're gonna walk it.
Yeah! You're walking
that whole story.
Understood.
All 27 steps.
All right, here I go.
How do you like that, huh?
Not the best, not the best.
I would have preferred
if the escalator had been functioning.
Welcome to Hell.
Hello again. - Sit down.
All right, well, it's...
Just here in the booster seat?
Yeah, like a baby.
You're being punished
in your booster seat.
It's uncomfortable, I guess, a little.
Just sit there like you're a crying baby.
Did you need me to cry?
There's the end-of-the-year
evaluations... - Gotcha, okay.
Oh, booster seat!
Why?! I'm a man!
That's good. Throw in a juice box.
Say something about a juice box.
I wish I had a juice box!
You're not getting a juice box!
Oh, please, just the one.
Welcome to Hell.
? A pride of liars on a hill
? looking down to prey
upon the weak
? Blind and tired,
Achille's heels exposed
? you know it won't be long
? Unless we all get up
? before the dogs
catch wind of us
? Let's rise to the top
? before the cause gets
put on the hush
? Get some
? Get some, get some
? get some, get some
? get some, get some
? Here they come,
here they come
? Get some get some
? Unless we all get up
? before the dogs
catch wind of us
? Let's rise to the top
? before the cause gets
put on the hush
? Get some, get some
? get some, get some
? Get some, get some
? get some, get some