What a location!
Si. The mighty Coliseum.
The glory of Roma.
Doesn't it stir your...
your imagination?
You bet it does, baby!
Do you people realize what
a shopping centre we could put there?
Plenty of parking, too.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the world's highest
office building! Hawk Plaza!
130 stories of man-made glory!
In a few hours, Hawk Enterprises
will break ground on this project.
''How did it happen?'' you ask.
Here's the man who made it possible.
Thank you, friends. Thank you.
My heart is too full to speak.
You see?
You've brought a tear
to this flinty old eye.
So, all I can say is thank you.
Thank you for allowing me to share
a moment of your precious time.
Get those deadheads out
before they drink all my booze.
Alright, everyone, to my office,
where a scroll awaits you.
- Hello?
- Mr. Barnsdorf, sir.
Hello, Barnsdorf.
When can we start digging?
What are you talking about?
That building site's as clean as a...
What's that?
I thought we got rid of
that crummy firehouse months ago!
A little hold-up. Old lady Steinmetz
won't sign the papers.
One little beat-up old lady
makes monkeys of the most
overpaid lawyers in the country.
C'mon, boys! I expect action.
I'd better get it or else!
She doesn't seem to trust us.
Well, of course she doesn't!
Look at yourselves.
Your own mothers wouldn't trust you.
What we need is someone
so nauseatingly innocent,
so stomach-churningly helpful
and so dumb,
anyone would trust 'em!
Mr. Willoughby Whitfield for you.
He says he's your nephew.
Whoever he is, throw him out.
And don't bother me again!
Say, wait. Is he the dumb-looking
kid of my sister's from back east,
goes to law school or something?
He finished law school.
He's a full-fledged lawyer.
He's a full-fledged lawyer!
Send him in!
Mr. Hawk will see you now.
Thank you.
Come in, boy. Come in!
Isn't he beautiful?
Uncle Alonzo, I hereby present you
with the Furze Law College
Humanitarian of the Year Award.
Well, well, well.
Humanitarian of the Year, eh?
That's right.
Award committees
give out humanitarian awards
to a lot of strange ducks,
but why me?
- I was the award committee.
- You put in the fix?
You took care of your Uncle Alonzo.
Smart boy.
I admire somebody who knows
how to use juice properly.
Juice?
Yes, juice.
How to use muscle, influence.
How to bend things his own way.
Oh, no. Goodness, no.
It wasn't done dishonestly.
I thought it over and couldn't
think of anyone any more deserving.
How come?
Mother has never tired of saying
what a great man her brother was.
Replacing dirty old buildings
with shiny new ones,
sending us fruit at Christmas.
You were her idol.
Can't you clowns get out of here?
I'd like to have a nice talk
with my... favorite nephew.
When I look into your eyes
and see the shining light of idealism
aglow there,
it makes me young again
and ready for battle!
- Battle?
- Yes, battle!
It has never been easy
for us idealists.
And now I am going to
give you a chance
to put that idealism into play
on your very first job.
Picture, if you will,
a tough little old lady
living in a rundown,
rat-infested firehouse,
standing in the way of
our latest civic benefaction.
There may be builders
who could find it in their heart
to be vindictive to this old lady.
They might say that
she feeds on the misery of the poor
in that forsaken neighborhood.
That she rolls drunks,
teaches small children to steal,
and make them bring
most of the take to her,
Would I, Alonzo Hawk,
Humanitarian of the Year,
stoop to such tactics?
On the contrary. I would do
everything in my power
to help that tough,
no-good little old lady.
I'd give her a large sum
for that worthless property
and provide, at special price to her,
a lifetime lease in Eternity Towers,
that beautiful new haven
for helpless old people like her.
It has a gymnasium, a sauna,
and old Rudolph Valentino,
Sessue Hayakawa movies.
A beauty parlor, a hobby centre,
and instead of
cooking her heart out
over a hot stove,
automatic machines in every hall
will lavish her with everything
from pizza to hot chili.
Wouldn't it make your whole being
happy to be part of all that?
- When can I start?
- Here's the address. Get moving.
- Here.
- Thanks, pal.
Isn't it breathtaking?
Yeah, it's a mess alright.
That guy Hawk ought to be hung.
What?
I'm coming!
Mrs.. Steinmetz?
I'm Willoughby Whitfield.
- I'd like to discuss some business.
- Come in, won't you?
I can't. This car
has rolled onto my foot.
Oh, dear.
I guess you forgot to set the brake.
Herbie, aren't you ashamed?
Get off Mr. Whitfield's foot!
Herbie protects me.
Herbie?
But I am capable
of taking care of myself.
I was about to make myself
a nice cup of tea.
- Come in and have one with me.
- Thank you.
I have to humor Herbie.
He used to be a famous racing car.
But his driver went to Europe
to drive foreign cars,
so he's a little sensitive.
- You can understand that.
- Yes. To get down to business,
people are worried about you living
in this firetrap, so I came to...
Firehouse, young man, not fire trap.
Firehouse, yes. Be that as it may,
the least we can do...
Stop that! That's downright rude.
Do you know what he was playing?
Do Not Trust Him, Gentle Maiden.
Nothing personal.
- He's a friend of Herbie's.
- A friend of Herbie's?
So is Old 22. You may as well meet
all the family while you're here.
Number 22 used to be on
the Clay Street line.
Herbie found him in a vacant lot.
He'd been used as a chicken house.
He's much happier here, of course.
I understand you have an emotional
attachment to this old building...
Oh, indeed I have!
I was married here
to my late husband,
Captain Steinmetz of the Fire
Department, a hero of the Great Fire.
We understand, Mrs.. Steinmetz,
so Mr. Hawk has authorized...
Don't tell me you're from Hawk?
You have such a nice face,
not at all like those ruffians
he usually sends around.
If you would just look
at the size of this cheque.
I don't know anything about money.
My nephew, Tennessee, usually takes
care of me. He used to live here.
But he had to rush off to Tibet
because his guru got sick.
If you'd just look at...
What's a guru?
His teacher. My nephew
studies Oriental Philosophy.
That's how he learned
that things have an inner life,
like wind and rain
and traffic lights and can openers
and flowers and little cars.
That's how Herbie and Tennessee
became friends.
This money could take care of you
for the rest of your life.
Of course, I didn't have to study
Oriental philosophy.
I could talk to Herbie right off.
I guess it's in the blood.
See you tomorrow!
Believe me, Mr. Hawk
has your interests at heart.
I have an agreement.
If you'd glance...
Nicole, I want you to meet
a gentleman from Mr. Hawk.
How do you do?
Oh, Mr. Whitfield!
Such a nice young man.
They're bothering us again,
are they?
You've hurt your hand.
Oh, on the contrary,
it feels marvelous.
Are you alright, Mr. Whitfield?
- What was that?
- Nicole Harris, a brave young lady.
She works for the airline.
Last week, she knocked out a hijacker
with a bottle of wine.
Get out. If you or any more of Hawk's
stooges come again, you'll get worse!
Please, Nicole. Mr. Whitfield and I
were having a nice conversation.
I'll bet. But isn't it time
for your nap?
Mr. Whitfield is just going!
Very well. Goodbye, Mr. Whitfield,
I hope I'll see you again soon.
- Mrs.. Steinmetz, you...
- Out. Out!
Have a heart. This is my first
assignment. I can't afford to fail.
- I said out!
- But...
Alright. Alright.
You look like a sensible person.
Living alone
in this crummy neighborhood
is no place for an elderly woman.
What do you mean, alone?
She's got me and she's got Herbie.
That's another thing.
That goofy story about this car
shows she's coming apart.
- So you think it's goofy?
- Of course. Don't you?
How would you like
to go for a little ride?
- I thought you didn't like me.
- I'd like you to ride in Herbie.
I'd like that very much.
Well, that's very nice of you.
I'll be ready in a minute.
Alright, Herbie. Let's get going.
You're an intelligent young woman.
Why do you pretend to talk
to this car? People might wonder.
Don't listen, Herbie. Move it.
Mrs.. Steinmetz thinks of this car as
a person. Old age has its fantasies.
It proves she needs Mr. Hawk's help.
- Remember, Alonzo Hawk sent him.
- You and I know better.
You stubborn bucket of bolts.
You always do things your way!
Let's stop kidding ourselves.
This is an ordinary car,
like a million other
ordinary, rather unattractive...
You shouldn't say that,
Herbie's sensitive about his looks.
You've had your laugh.
You ought to stop now.
He won't stop until you say sorry.
What upsets me most is
you trying to maintain the fiction...
- Please, tell Herbie you're sorry.
- Alright. Herbie, I'm sorry.
Well, what do you think now?
I think you're a very skilful driver,
but I don't want you
to drive me again.
- You think it's a trick?
- Yes. I think it's all a trick.
Well, would you like to drive?
- Yes.
- Good.
There, you see? As I was saying,
this car is just your ordinary,
rather stupid-looking...
What do I do now?
You're on your own. I hope Herbie
hasn't lost his sense of humor.
Chicken Tournament, jousting today?
What's it up to now?
I don't know. It's hard
to figure Herbie out sometimes.
The gallant contenders are taking
their places on the field of honor.
At the north end, the undefeated
champion of the tournament.
Fearless, brutal, unforgiving.
The Red Knight!
At the south end,
his stout-hearted adversary,
the ever-popular Sir Lancelot!
I hope Herbie's not up to
what I think he's up to.
Let the joust begin.
Give the signal, your Majesty.
What are they doing?
It seems very dangerous.
What are they doing?
I think this is where I get out.
Good idea. I'll join you.
The victor thus far
has demolished all who oppose him.
Surviving champion,
your favorite and mine,
the Red Knight!
At the other end of the list,
a mysterious new contender.
But the name doesnt 't matter.
No one lasts for long
against the Red Knight!
Let the joust begin!
No, Herbie, wait!
I take everything back. I apologies.
I believe, Herbie! I believe!
My brave champion,
you have won me!
Take me to your kingdom!
You win the bread, man.
Three dollars.
I'm beginning to think
that I owe you an apology.
Oh, no,
I can't stand men who apologies.
- Well, may I take you to lunch?
- Alright.
I lived in an apartment opposite
the firehouse. I loved it.
Then Alonzo Hawk tore it down
and kicked me out.
- I'm sure it wasn't personal.
- I go crazy if I hear his name.
- How's your jaw?
- It's alright.
I'm sorry. How could I know it was
your first assignment for Hawk?
You can't know what a no-good he is.
I should tell you...
Anyway, Mrs.. Steinmetz took me in
until I found somewhere to live.
When I found out what Hawk was
up to, I stayed on to protect her.
I won't let his rats
talk her out of her home.
You're not being fair.
Fair? To Alonzo Hawk? Has he
conned you just like everyone else?
I should tell you...
Did you know
he put a parking garage
on the lot where the DiMaggios
learned to play baseball?
His factories pollute
all the fish in the bay.
His skyscraper casts a cold shadow
on a playground all day.
Let me say...
He even kicked 30 Chinese families
off Grand Avenue!
Please! I can't believe Uncle Alonzo
would do things like that.
Wait a minute.
Uncle? He's your uncle?
- Yes, that's why...
- You rotten swine!
Here's your warm milk, Grandma.
Be sure and drink it.
You know how good it is for you.
Yes, dear.
I still can't understand why
you hit him with a boiled lobster.
Grandma, I wish I could stop
doing things like that.
- I really sort of like him.
- I'm glad to hear that.
Brilliant, eligible lawyers
don't grow on trees.
What are you leading up to?
Nothing, dear. I just thought that
perhaps you could talk things over
with that nice Mr. Whitfield.
Nice try, Grandma.
But if I want a young man,
I'll get him my way.
Yes, I suppose so, dear.
Now, stop hatching plots
and go to sleep.
Yes, dear.
- Goodnight, Grandma.
- Goodnight, dear.
Goodnight, Herbie. Pleasant dreams.
He used to be a famous racing car.
Used to be a famous racing car.
Used to be a famous racing car.
Uncle Alonzo,
I dropped by
to talk to you man to man,
so I could look you
squarely in the eye.
No, I am wearing make-up
because of a black eye.
A girl hit me in the face
with a boiled lobster
the moment I mentioned your name.
This same wonderful, intelligent,
clear-sighted girl
was able to convince me
what kind of a person you really are.
I do not hold with your cheating
Mrs.. Steinmetz out of her home
so that you may build
your concrete anthill
on the spot where
she has known so much happiness.
I think you are despicable,
greedy, grasping
and wholly without principle or pity.
I also believe
you are not a nice person.
If you write my mother,
who is also your sister Frieda,
do not tell her
that I wear make-up as a rule.
I am going back to Missouri,
so you may no longer use me
as a cat's paw.
I bid you farewell
more in sorrow than in anger.
Please do not send us
any more fruit for Christmas.
Goodbye, Grandma!
Hi, everybody.
Hi, Herb.
No hard feelings, OK?
I'm so glad you and Herbie
decided to make up.
I'm off for my morning walk.
Come along, we can have a chat.
No, I just came to say goodbye.
I'm going home to Missouri.
Oh, what a pity!
Nicole so hoped to see you again.
She's a wonderful girl,
even if you don't agree with her.
I do agree with her now.
I'm going to my uncle to tell him
exactly what I think of him.
- Why, that's splendid!
- It's time he heard the real truth.
Nicole will be thrilled!
Please wait until she comes back.
To be honest, I'm more afraid
of her than I am of my uncle.
Nonsense! She's just
a very high-spirited young lady.
That's for sure.
Goodbye.
Don't weaken about the firehouse.
Don't worry, young man.
Call my nephew, wherever he is,
and get him here.
Yes, sir. Mr. Barnsdorf is on the
phone.
Yeah, Barnsdorf, what do you want?
Can we dig yet, Hawk?
My boys are getting itchy.
I'll tell you when to dig.
I got some high-price
digging equipment and crew
sitting around playing gin-rummy,
waiting for you.
It's costing you 80 grand a day.
Just stop bugging me, Barnsdorf.
You'll get the order to start
any moment now.
And what do you want?
I'm sorry. I called the motel.
Your nephew checked out.
What do you mean, checked out?
When? Where?
Who told him he could check out?
How dare he disappear
when he knows I'm worried sick!
I'll tear his chicken-livered gizzard
to pieces! I'll stomp him!
I'll take this letter knife and stab
him in his ungrateful breastbone.
You know me, Millicent! Normally,
I'm a kind, fun-loving fella.
But when I get crossed, I go bananas.
Yes? It's your nephew.
Willoughby?
Willoughby, where are you?
Hi, Uncle. I thought I'd save time
and phone you the news.
Marvelous. Great. Smart boy!
That Hawk blood tells in the end.
All ashore that's going ashore.
What's all that noise?
And what news?
The news I was leaving town.
Leaving town?
I'm on the ship-to-shore phone...
..from the deck
of the Swedish freighter,
the Gustav Gustaffson
bound for Helsinki.
Helsinki?
I'm glad you're taking it like this.
You should
leave Mrs.. Steinmetz alone.
Why you...!
Don't worry,
you'll feel better in the morning.
Don't talk like an idiot!
I feel better now.
Alonzo Hawk may be betrayed, but he
is never defeated. Out of my way!
Since none of you pitiful
excuses for men have the muscle
to move a feeble old lady,
I'll do it myself,
like I have to do everything.
- Now, now...
- Shut up!
We'll start on number one,
harassment. I wrote the book on it.
Shut off her phone,
turn off her water,
sic the health and building
inspectors on her.
- Steal her dog!
- She doesn't have a dog.
She doesn't have a dog? A little old
lady in a place like that?
Who looks out for her?
How does she get around?
She has a little car she uses.
- Well, go and pick it up!
- Yes, Mr. Hawk.
Bunch of lame brains. Hold it!
You fellas will probably even foul up
this simple assignment.
The first team is on the job now.
I'll get the car myself.
Overeducated pinheads!
Gentlemen, take notes.
Learn how the grown-ups do it.
You may be unaware of it,
but I began my fabulous career
as a repossessor of motorcars.
At the tender age of 1 9, I was
the best-known repossessor of cars
west of the Mississippi.
Hot-Wire Hawk, they called me.
Observe, gentlemen.
Screwdriver, pair of pliers,
and a piece of wire.
Now check your watches!
I will return
with the object of my mission
in 1 5 minutes or less. Let's go!
Madam is not at home, sir.
Thank you. I won't need you
any more today.
Very well, sir.
Learn something when you're young
and you'll never forget it.
Except, a six-year-old could steal
this once-cylinder hairdryer!
Quiet!
Alright, buddy, let's get this thing
out of here... Hello, Mr. Hawk.
What are you doing
in this little car?
Just shut up and push!
Certainly, Mr. Hawk. One tiny thing.
Is the car out of gear, sir?
Of course it's out of gear,
you nitwit! Just push!
Alright, Mr. Hawk.
OK, push.
Hey, wait a minute!
What're you doing to my cab?
Are we trying to get tough,
Mr. Hawk?
Don't you dare threaten me!
Alright, Mr. Hawk.
- Well?
- Three minutes to go.
Hello, Commissioner.
Got a little problem.
We got to tow him out of here.
Now, Mr. Hawk, sit quietly this time.
Don't touch the pedals or gears.
Don't order me around!
I will do as I please.
The Traffic Commissioner
shall hear about this.
I am the Commissioner.
Then what are you doing
in that monkey suit?
The Traffic Commissioner
would dress in dignified clothes.
This happens to be my dress uniform.
I'm on my way to a ceremony
for I Am A Policeman Day.
OK, let's go.
Commissioner, call your office.
There's been an accident.
See the man, see the man.
One minute. He'll never make it.
If Mr. Hawk says he'll do it,
he'll... Here he is!
- Get that car, dead or alive!
- Right away, sir.
Mr. Hawk? If you'll sign
a few of these citations,
compliments of the Commissioner.
Well, he's got more stuff
than I thought.
Yes, I'm sorry he's going, too.
Alright, see you later. Bye-bye.
Flight 38, for Las Vegas.
Mother, you've never seen
Uncle Alonzo in such a rage.
He's probably having the airport
watched. But he won't find me.
I'm wearing a disguise. A disguise.
A beard and a moustache.
I know I promised not to grow
a beard when I left home.
Don't you understand?
It isn't real. No.
I will not go back
and apologize to Uncle Alonzo.
He is a greedy,
unscrupulous, no-good, thieving...
..coyote. Thank you, miss.
No, Mother, my asthma's
not coming back. Nothing's wrong!
Everything is just fine now.
This is the turning point
of my life.
Uncle Alonzo pushed me about.
You always told me what to do.
Then I met this
perfectly wonderful girl.
I was even afraid of her, till now.
I've just decided something, Mother.
I am not going to be
a rabbit any more.
Goodbye, Mother.
Come along, Herbie, off to market.
Thank you, Herbie.
Let me see now.
Half a dozen tomatoes.
The broccoli looked very nice
yesterday.
And what else was there?
We can see the car, Mr. Hawk.
- Moving in for the kill.
- They're moving in for the kill now.
Well, what happened?
You were moving in for the kill!
Negative. A little premature, sir.
She's a desperate woman.
Don't worry, she won't get away.
Another short cut, Herbie?
Where is she now?
She's still going up and up.
It's incredible.
She's driving like a madman.
Herbie, behave yourself.
You knocked my glasses off.
Well, where on earth is she?
Don't answer it! It'll be Hawk.
Look!
No, sir. The phone didn't ring.
Were you trying to reach us?
Did you grab the car?
Any moment now. There it goes.
Into the Sheraton Palace Hotel.
The Sheraton Palace Hotel?
May I draw your attention
to the superb baby shrimp?
Alright, Herbie.
But you won't convince me
this is a short cut to the market.
Gentlemen, have you a reservation?
There it is!
Someone stop her!
- Don't let her get away.
- C'mon, let's go.
I get the creeps
from that weird little car...
- What's wrong with you?
- There it is.
Millicent, you're getting hysterical.
Take two aspirins and lie down.
One of us must keep our nerve.
C'mon, move it! We've got it trapped.
Stop woolgathering, Herbie.
We really must get to the market.
Look out, it's coming back!
Grandma, I was worried about you.
Are you alright?
Wonderful.
I had a drive on the bridge.
- Let me help, Mrs.. Steinmetz.
- Mr. Whitfield. Nice to see you.
I thought you were
going to Missouri.
Nicole spoke to me.
Mr. Whitfield
will help us fight his uncle.
Wonderful! You must stay for dinner.
I've already invited him.
- Take those to the kitchen.
- Yeah, thank you.
What a fine young man!
You look so right together.
If there's anything I can do...
There is one thing, Grandma.
Just let nature take its course.
Oh, yes, dear. I wouldn't want
to interfere, not for anything.
Oh...
We'll want some more broccoli.
Can you and Willoughby get some?
Sure.
And you should drive down
to the beach afterwards.
- Grandma!
- It's a beautiful day.
We'll just go get some broccoli.
Yes, dear. Of course.
I won't say another word, Herbie.
There's nothing I can do.
Of course, I can't help it if you
happen to have a mind of your own.
Can I?
I should have said
that I don't like broccoli.
Herbie, where are you going?
The young lady and gentleman
have turned to the north.
It seems they're not immediately
returning to the firehouse.
See that they don't.
Do anything you have to.
But don't let them return
until after dark. You read me?
Perfectly, sir.
Grandma put him up to this!
- Where's he taking us?
- I don't know, but I could guess.
Pardon me, sir. Is this
the only road from the beach?
Yep.
Would you care, sir, to earn $50?
Don't mind.
We wish you to obstruct the road
from the beach for two hours.
My employer plans
a surprise party...
Don't explain,
just give me the money.
It's very romantic here,
don't you think?
That's the first time
I've heard the word ''romantic''
in a real conversation.
I hope I wasn't being too forward.
But it is romantic.
I think that's what Grandma
had in mind.
She always thought the Pacific Ocean
very romantic.
Captain Steinmetz proposed to her
on the beach, 50 years ago.
I'm sorry I punched you
the first time I met you.
That's OK.
And it wasn't ladylike
to hit you with a boiled lobster.
- It's OK.
- You can hit me back, if you want.
That isn't exactly
what I had in mind.
Herbie!
It's time we got back.
Herbie, c'mon!
Leave that seagull alone!
Herbie!
I wish that car would learn
to mind. Herbie, please!
Herbie!
Heel, Herbie.
See? Just needs a firm hand.
You know, Willoughby,
sometimes you really surprise me.
What's happening?
Sorry, sir. My rear axle's frozen.
- But how are we...?
- Sorry.
No, Herbie!
Well, here we are.
Very quietly and very quickly
pull your hand back inside.
- Why?
- We've got company.
That's ridiculous! Why would a shark
follow a Volkswagen?
Because he thinks the same thing
I do. We're going to sink.
Excuse me, do you know
the way to San Francisco?
Yeah, man. Up the beach road,
first left, second right.
Thank you.
Old Number 22. It's gone.
What?
They came with a big truck.
Everything's gone.
Who did it?
It said on the truck
Alonzo Hawk Van & Storage.
Have you never
jimmied a lock before?
- No. It's not a hobby of mine.
- Hurry. We can't just stand here.
Good for Herbie!
Halt! You have been detected
by electronic surveillance.
You will be surrounded by agents
of the Alonzo Hawk Security.
Touch nothing in this warehouse,
or you will be prosecuted.
Don't talk to me like that!
I want my things and I'll get them!
- I think that's a recording.
- I don't care!
Let's find your things
before somebody gets here.
Touch nothing in this warehouse,
or you will be prosecuted.
Your things aren't here...
Alright, hold it!
OK, get your hands up!
Don't get fresh with me, young man.
Watch it. She's the ringleader.
C'mon, Grandma, move it.
Put your hands up!
I most certainly will not.
If you say please,
I might consider it.
Alright. Please.
There, you see?
That wasn't so difficult after all.
If you'd mind your manners,
life would be easier for all of us.
Would you be good enough
to tell me just exactly
what you are doing with my furniture?
How do we know, lady?
All I can tell you is that nothing
goes out without Mr. Hawk's OK.
Look out, Smitty! Run!
There's some more! Out of the way!
We're cut off! How are we
gonna get out of here?
You know, Smitty, I don't think
Mr. Hawk will happy about this.
Evening, Mother.
Ain't you a mite old
to be a stewardess?
Been a lot of changes since the day
I came to visit this town.
Barnsdorf, stop worrying
about your digging equipment.
You're paying me 80 grand a day.
Stop bothering...
I have broken
the old lady's spirit. Yeah.
I've taken all her furniture.
She's sitting in an empty firehouse
ready to listen to reason.
I guarantee you can start digging
first thing Monday morning.
Yeah?
What?
Yes, sir. They got away
with everything.
Call every unit
of the Mobile Security Force.
We'll nail them to the wall!
Stop at the top. We'll figure
how to get down the other side.
Right.
I was saying, little lady...
..I was doing fine till I got into
that sheep-dip you call liquor
in this town.
My name is Judson.
Got a little cow ranch
a few hundred miles north of here.
Been alone with those cows
for over 40 years,
so I thought I'd get to town
and stir up a little excitement.
Might be my last opportunity.
I'll get a rope
and tie us up nice and snug.
Oh, no. Looks like Uncle Alonzo!
No, Herbie, don't do it!
Oh!
After him!
Faster, faster!
Herbie, now you have
got us in a mess.
Now, Herbie, stop this minute!
Hey, watch out!
Look what you done to my pretzels!
Mrs.. Steinmetz?
Mrs.. Steinmetz, put on the brake!
You're a fine-looking woman.
You married?
No, the Captain's been gone
many years. There he is.
Captain Steinmetz. Hook and ladder
number 2 7, City of San Francisco.
A fine gentleman.
Nice picture. You carry it
around with you everywhere?
Mrs.. Steinmetz! Use the handbrake!
Are you OK?
I declare, little lady,
you're a sight to make
this country boy's heart flutter.
Don't be silly. I'm much too old.
The way I figure it, you're
just about coming into your prime.
Can't that thing play something
with more pep?
How nice to see people
dressing up for parties again.
Was that anyone we know?
I think these cars go a lot faster
than when I was a young fella.
You can't stop progress.
Look at that!
Herbie, you've got to help us.
Steady, Herbie.
C'mon, c'mon, move closer!
Hurry, we're running out of street!
Closer. A little more.
Go on, jump!
Well, here's where I get off.
Thanks for the ride, little lady.
Appreciate it.
Sure like to cross trails
with you again, sometime.
Are you alright, Grandma?
Of course. I just met
the most interesting man.
Good morning, Grandma. Sleep well?
Not a wink. I suddenly realized
the trouble Alonzo Hawk gives me.
I'm going to his office
to give him a piece of my mind.
Oh, no, you don't.
I have to go. Bye-bye, Grandma.
And please,
don't do anything foolish.
Willoughby, I know Grandma.
I think she's up to something.
I'll keep her out of mischief.
Well, you better, or else
I'll get tough again. Bye.
Bye.
- Where are you going?
- To see Mr. Hawk.
No. You can't.
You heard what Nicole said.
Nicole is a very sweet girl,
but at her age,
she can't order me around.
- May I go with you?
- That won't be necessary.
No, but I think
Nicole would prefer it.
Come back!
Mrs.. Steinmetz! Come back!
This is a nasty whiplash, Mr. Hawk.
I think you try to do too much.
I know, Millicent, but besides you,
who can I depend on?
I have to do everything...
Who are those clowns?
Your new lawyers.
You fired the others yesterday.
Fellas, I'm gonna tear down
the Steinmetz firehouse, OK?
Just a moment.
You have the necessary permit?
Of course I don't have a permit!
I don't even own the land yet!
That would jeopardize the legal
status of your new building.
- We can't permit you...
- Get out of here!
I didn't hire you
to tell me what I can't do.
I hired you
to tell me how I can do it.
Go!
Everyone lets me down. You know me.
I'm enthusiastic, boyishly eager.
All I get is cheap lawyer talk.
Poor Mr. Hawk. It just isn't fair.
Nevertheless, I shall not falter.
I'm like a sensitive,
finely tuned violin.
All I need to restore me is
a few moments of peace and quiet.
Turn it off!
You idiot! What are you doing?
Washing the windows.
Mr. Hawk's orders.
I am Mr. Hawk! Get out of here!
OK. Cancel the windows.
You better shut the window.
It runs up the air conditioning bill.
You're fired! Get your money...
Mr. Hawk's orders!
They may harass me,
but don't let them ever think
they have me beaten.
That is when Alonzo Hawk
is at his most dangerous.
Yes, sir.
Millicent,
this is what I want you to do.
I want you to try and get
Fred Loostgarten on the phone.
He used to work for our
wrecking company before I fired him.
He has a one-horse operation
of his own now.
Yes. I think that's how
Captain Steinmetz
would handle the situation.
Excuse me, could you tell me
where Mr. Hawk's office is?
Yes, ma'am. The old buzzard
is 2 8 stories up,
six windows to the left.
I'm sorry, I don't hear so good
from this side.
- 2 8th floor! Can't miss it.
- Thank you so much.
No! Mrs. Steinmetz! Stop!
Mrs. Steinmetz, come back. Stop!
Mrs. Steinmetz!
Help!
Grandma!
Mrs. Steinmetz!
Help!
Mrs....! Grandma!
Help!
Mrs. Steinmetz!
Grandma! Help!
Mrs. Steinmetz!
Help! Grandma!
Is that you, Mr. Whitfield?
Where are you?
Down here! Help me!
There you are.
Just a minute, I'm coming.
No, stay where you are.
Just take us down.
Of course, Mr. Whitfield. But first,
promise to let me see Mr. Hawk.
Anything. I'll do anything you say.
Very well, Mr. Whitfield.
Loostgarten, buddy! How are you?
I know things haven't gone so well,
but that's life, buddy.
Yeah, right, Mr. Hawk.
I got to thinking
I've got to find a job
for my friend Loostgarten
and here it is.
You know that old firehouse
on the site for Hawk's Plaza?
Yeah?
Get your wrecking ball
and smash it.
I want nothing left
but itsy-bitsy splinters.
Don't worry, Willoughby. I shall be
perfectly polite, but firm.
A permit? I don't get one till
tomorrow morning.
- But, Mr. Hawk, I...
- Loostgarten!
The job has to be done tonight!
Take it or leave it!
Millicent, my dear, put a cheque
in the mail to Loostgarten.
Loostgarten Wrecking Company.
A thousand on account.
Tonight, he's gonna smash that
crummy old firehouse to matchwood!
That'll teach that battle-axe
a lesson.
No, Grandma, he won't like that.
I don't care what he doesn't like!
Knock down my home, will he?
Uncle Alonzo,
you haven't met Mrs. Steinmetz.
How do you do?
Don't worry,
everything's under control.
That's just dandy!
Now you've done it!
You've made Herbie very angry!
Oh! No!
No! Stop! Stop!
Get out, get out! Get out!
No! No! Go away!
No, Herbie, stop.
Wrong way.
Stay away from me! Someone
come in and stop this thing.
Shouldn't we see
what all those noises are?
Mr. Hawk said he didn't want
to be disturbed.
Herbie.
Uncle?
Now's a good time to explain...
You?
Stop it!
Will you be going out
for a while, Mr. Hawk?
Herbie!
Got to get away from that thing.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
- Mrs. Steinmetz!
- I told you Mr. Hawk was busy.
Oh, shut up!
And get off my building!
There must be some way
to make this car behave.
I don't like to threaten Herbie.
He has been trying to help us.
But there's one thing
Herbie is afraid of.
Now stop, Herbie.
Don't make me do it.
Please do it, Grandma!
Very well, Herbie.
It so happens that I know
this nice used-car lot...
I would hate to call Mr. Honest Al,
the used-car man.
Of course, I never would do it.
I don't think Herbie believes
I would, either. But it works.
What a lovely morning.
I thoroughly enjoyed it.
Did we get the name of the man who
thinks he'll knock down my firehouse?
It was Loostgarten, of
the Loostgarten Wrecking Company.
I'll write that down.
We're going to need it.
Thanks anyway for trying, Millie.
Millie works on Hawk's airline,
but can't find his address.
- May I say something?
- No. You didn't look after Grandma.
We need his address
or my idea won't work.
- We'll think of something else.
- I am going to say something.
See, I've sent Uncle Alonzo a card
every Christmas since I was seven.
And here's his address.
Willoughby! You're wonderful!
Loostgarten speaking.
This is Alonzo Hawk.
Right, Mr. Hawk.
There's been a change of plan.
Don't knock down that firehouse.
Instead, knock down
343, Oleander Heights. Got it?
343, Oleander Heights.
- Right.
- Write it down!
Yes, Mr. Hawk.
I don't want you blackballed
in the wrecking-ball business,
if you get what I mean.
You were wonderful!
Yes. I know it's three o'clock
in the morning, but I can't sleep.
You're my doctor, aren't you?
Sometimes, old-fashioned remedies
seem to work best, Mr. Hawk.
- Have you tried counting sheep?
- Sheep?
Picture in your mind's eye
a grassy, green meadow.
A whitewashed three-rail fence.
A flock of sweet little sheep.
They begin to jump over the fence.
One sheep...
Six sheep.
Seven sheep.
Eight sheep.
Nine sheep.
Ten...
Yeah, what is it?
Sorry to disturb you
at this time of night,
but a guy in my job
can't afford to make mistakes.
What are you talking about?
- That address you gave me?
- What about it?
343, Oleander Heights.
You're sure it's the right address?
Of course I'm sure, you idiot!
I know it as well as I know
my own address.
Wait a minute.
It is my own address!
Loostgarten!
No! Not this...!
This is my house, you dumb jerk!
This time, you're really through!
You...!
We beat him!
I knew he'd cave in.
He couldn't stand the heat.
Hello?
Good morning, Mr. Hawk.
Now that it's over, I had to phone
to say how much I admire
the plucky fight you put up
for that sweet little firehouse.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Hawk.
What caused my change of heart was
an accident to my own little house.
It brought home to me how terrible it
is to lose something you really love.
What happened, Mr. Hawk?
Well, a very confused man
came along
and knocked down the whole side
of it, smashed it to rubble.
Someone knocked down
Mr. Hawk's house.
Oh, what a rotten shame!
But it did serve a purpose.
It made me realize
that I can't knock down
any more of San Franciscos
beautiful old buildings.
Don't worry your sweet grey head
about it any more, is that clear?
Yes, Mr. Hawk. Thank you, Mr. Hawk.
And Mrs. Steinmetz, I'll drop by one
day and have a cup of tea with you.
Bye.
I always said you'd do
the finer thing, Mr. Hawk.
What do you mean, fathead?
Well, giving up Hawk Plaza.
Are you fooled by this phony story?
You can't go back on this.
Oh, yes, I can!
I can say I was misquoted.
I can say they printed the story
purposely to discredit me.
Well, it's an old gag.
It's out of my bag of tricks.
We're still going after the old lady?
Right for the jugular vein, baby.
Right for the old jugular.
I wish Grandma would hurry up.
Can't celebrate without her.
Still, it's a chance for a quiet talk
without something always happening.
Oh, thank you.
Nicole, there's something
I wanted to say.
What's that, Willoughby?
Did I ever tell you that
my great-grandfather Whitfield
was one of the first men
to go over Niagara Falls in a barrel?
Was he alright afterwards?
I don't know. They never found him.
I think I'll go call Grandma.
The giant lobster is very good, sir.
Of course. No lobster.
I meant to call, dear.
I just thought to myself
what a fine time those two young
people must be having without me.
Grandma, I love you very much,
but I've had enough of
your matchmaking. Get over here.
If I do marry Willoughby,
I'd like to nail him myself.
Well, go ahead without me, dear.
I'll have a quiet evening at home.
Goodbye, dear.
Do go on with your wonderful story
about the cows, Mr. Judson.
I swear I never seen
a handsome woman like yourself
who had so much an interest in cows.
That's quite natural, Mr. Judson.
After all, a cow is not only useful
but an extremely decorative animal.
Ain't it just?
Well, erm, as I was saying,
I got this little 200-acre spread
up in Oregon...
What in tarnation
are you doing that for?
I'm not quite sure.
I think I saw this once in a movie.
Oh, no!
Just let me get my hands on
the brute responsible for this!
Horsewhipping is too good for him.
What on earth...?
It's Mr. Hawk!
Herbie, don't you dare!
Every man for himself!
Herbie must have gone for help.
Hope he makes it to the fort.
We must be cut off.
OK, Steinmetz,
we know you're in there.
We've got you surrounded.
I'll give you ten minutes to get
your stuff together and get out,
before I grind this dump to powder.
Hold on, mister! This little lady's
under my protection. She stays!
Ten minutes, Steinmetz!
To get back to my great-grandfather
at Niagara Falls,
I don't think I put it quite right.
What I wanted to say was...
..though we Whitfield men
look like rabbits,
we have always liked a challenge.
The scent of danger in our nostrils,
the high road to adventure.
Yes, Willoughby?
That's why I want
to go on seeing you.
Not to deprecate
your physical attributes,
but because there is a feeling
of danger about you,
of something about to happen.
You're right, Willoughby!
Looks like
we've just picked up a friend.
Three minutes to go, Steinmetz.
This is your last chance!
Make your play, Hawk.
We're standing pat.
Captain Steinmetz
would have liked you, Mr. Judson.
- You're his kind of man.
- Thank you, ma'am.
Attention! One minute to zero.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
Here come the hostiles.
We're ready for 'em!
I think Captain Steinmetz
would have liked you to wear this.
Well, I'd be proud to, little lady.
Mighty proud.
- Power shovel number one, ready?
- Ready, Mr. Hawk.
Full speed ahead! Go!
Fire.
Stop! Help!
Cease fire.
Good shooting, Mr. Judson.
That one won't bother us
for a while.
Harry, move in with the crawler!
Alright, Mr. Hawk!
Fire!
Stop it! No!
Cease fire.
There goes another. We've got
the devils on the run. Fire!
Oh, no!
- Are you alright?
- Don't worry about me, ma'am.
What we got to worry about
is we're out of ammunition.
This time we all go in together!
We got nothing to regret,
little lady.
We done our best.
Ready...!
Drive! Drive!
Let's get going. Get out of here!
Hi, Grandma!
Hi, there!
Why, that rascal!
She's got a man with her.
No wonder she wouldn't come
to our party.
Faster!
Wait a minute! Back!
Look where you're going!
How dare you raise your voice to me,
you myopic oaf!
What do you think you're...?
Help!
Herbie, that's enough, now.
Think you're going to
make him stop? Fat chance!
Herbie, if you don't stop,
you can't come to the wedding.
- It's you again, Mr. Hawk.
- Save me!
They're after me!
Who's after you?
Those little cars. Hundreds of 'em.
Can't you see them, idiot?
Mr. Hawk, would you mind
coming to my place of business?
I would be happy to!
And what happened then?
Willoughby told Herbie to stop
or he couldn't come to the wedding.
Wait a minute. What wedding?