NARRATOR: Berry, berry.
NARRATOR: Berry.
NARRATOR: Berry Good Films.
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Okay, you got your scanner on you?
Yep.
Good, 'cause I got chewed
out by Miss Kelly yesterday.
(LAUGHS) Hurry up, so we
can get back on my route.
Okay. All right.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC) (DOG BARKING)
Oh, you're a cute little thing.
Oh, oh, oh!
You a little monster, ain't ya?
I'll get you.
I'll get ya!
(GASPS FEARFULLY) (DOG GROWLS)
Oh, shit!
(DOG BARKING) (ROCK MUSIC)
(YELLING FEARFULLY)
(LAUGHS)
Holy shit! (YELLING FEARFULLY)
BRIAN VOICEOVER: My
name is Brian Lincoln.
I'm the postman,
and this is just one example
of what I go through daily,
but to get you to fully understand
what it's like to be in my world,
I gotta take you back to the beginning,
where it all started.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
(ALARM BUZZING)
Oh, shit.
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Get into it
Postman, postman
A postman, postman
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Yeah
Get into it, get into it,
get into it Yeah, yeah
Wake up in the morning,
time to get that grind
Ain't about no money,
I ain't got no time
Ain't tryin' to be late,
'cause I just got high
But I ain't tryin' to be speedin'
Cause I'm lightweight
Poor neighborhood
waitin' up on the postman
First of the month, I'm
deliverin' hope, man
Time's hard, but we
gon' get through it
Ridin' hard
Yeah, I'm gon' get to it
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Get into it, get into it Yeah
Postman, postman
A postman, postman
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Get into it, get into it, get into it
Damn.
I need a light.
Oh, ah!
(LAUGHS)
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the superstar express,
where your only price of
admission is a tall nipple
off the tip of yo chest.
(LAUGHS)
What's up, baby?
Where you been all my life?
(LAUGHS)
Better wash them edges, girl,
that weave is tearin' yo ass up.
(LAUGHS) What's up, sister?
Can I get that phone number?
Uh huh, can you cook? (LAUGHS)
(EXHALES LOUDLY) Ah, damn.
Man, these some nasty motherfuckers, man.
I'ma get my shit to go.
Get the hell outta here.
(SINGS COMICALLY)
Man, these niggas nasty as hell.
Brian!
Hey, Brian!
Come here.
This mother...
Mr. Montgomery! (LAUGHS)
What can I do for you, sir?
I need to see you in my
office when you're finished.
Okay.
Let's hurry up. It's
only gonna take a minute.
All right, I'll be right there.
Little slave-driver,
little old ass Eminem.
(SINGS)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Ooh.
Hell, somebody left they watch.
Shit.
Ooh, it's a nice watch, too.
Man, you know what, I gotta turn this in.
Man, I gotta turn this in.
Lord, I gotta turn it in.
Lord, I got to.
Ooh, that look too damn nice.
Right when I need a pawn shop.
Hey, hey, hey. (LAUGHS)
Yeah.
Hey!
Man, what the hell you doin' back here?
Man, that shopping trip
last night had me tired.
I must've overslept.
Overslept,
for the whole night?!
Man, get yo ass up.
Man, this ain't no damn Double Tree.
The bus driver didn't
notice yo ass back here
asleep all night before he left?
I guess not.
God damn.
Look at yo...
Man, are your arms stretched out now?
Oh, these seats are comfortable.
(SNIFFS LOUDLY)
- Is that weed?
- Hell no this ain't no weed,
so don't you be askin' to
smoke it, toke it, or nothing!
Now, get yo Snuffleupagus
ass up outta here now!
Come on, man, let's go!
Let's go, man! Come on.
God damn.
God damn!
Hey, and pull your draws
up, man. Crack kills.
And, is that a stain I see?
I think this motherfucker
done shitted on hisself.
(KNOCKS)
What's happenin', Mr. Montgomery?
What you got right here, man, my paycheck?
Yeah, I been needin' a raise, baby.
Will you sit down?
Why you gotta look all weird
and crazy like that, man?
You know they got Botox for that.
I always look like
this when I do my thing.
Your thing? Oh, okay, but,
what exactly is your
thing, Mr. Montgomery?
Terminating shitty employees.
You're fired, Brian.
What?
Why?
Your piss, it came back dirty again.
I have to let you go this time.
(SCOFFS) Oh, come on, Mr. Montgomery,
I swear I'll stop, man, look.
I ain't even gotta smoke no more.
Look, I'm tearin' it up.
See, I'm tearin' it up.
It's torn, see. (CHUCKLES)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Come on, Mr. Montgomery!
Man, I need this job!
How I'ma pay for my rent,
my car note,
buy my weed?
You should've thought about that
before you started puttin'
all that weed in your mouth.
I don't have any,
I don't have potheads working for me.
Potheads?
Mr. Montgomery,
when have you seen me
wear pot on my head, huh?
Just snap back some promodels, baby.
See, that's exactly
what I'm talkin' about.
When are you gonna grow up, Brian?
You're not a kid anymore.
When are you gonna do somethin'
positive with your life?
Hey, look, man, I'm
studying for the CDLs,
so I can drive for you.
I can't get you to stop smokin' weed
when you're cleanin' my buses.
You think I'm gonna let
you drive one of them?
Good luck out there, Brian.
You know what, man?
Brian Lincoln will rise again
from the ashes of this O.G. blunt!
(TRIUMPHANT MUSIC)
(GRUNTS COMICALLY)
(DOOR SLAMS)
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Man, how they gonna fire me?
You know, me?
(SCOFFS)
I'd only gone in late
'bout, what, 21 times?
Policy say 22.
Tell you what, the next job I get,
I ain't gonna humble myself for nobody.
Sir, I swear before God.
(STAMMERS) Oh, you know what, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to use
the Lord's name in vain,
but I will perform to
the best of my ability.
I just need the chance.
Mr. Lincoln, I've looked
over your application,
and you have a very
consistent work history.
Unfortunately, at this time,
all the positions are full.
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
I wanna congratulate all
of you on being selected
to come take the test
to work for our company.
I hope you get the highest
score you can on that test.
It'll make your chances of
getting hired that much better.
In about three months,
we should have all the test results back.
We'll make our decision.
Did he just say three months?
MANAGER: And, we'll be
in contact with everyone.
Excuse me, sir.
Did you just say three months?
Yes.
Man, nobody waitin' no damn
three months for test results.
Your name is?
My name is Car Note Been Due.
My friends call me Rent Due Now.
(LAUGHS) Three months?
Man, I'm the hell up outta
here. Who comin' with me?
Dorothy, you comin' with me?
Brother, how 'bout you?
You rollin'?
Y'all will let me just walk out by myself?
Oh, okay.
I need the money, too.
(LAUGHS) You know what I'm sayin'?
Man, that's all right.
Shit, in three months,
we'll see who gon' be cryin' then, huh?
(SCOFFS) (MUMBLES UNDER BREATH)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Three months?!
Take that for your three months!
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Freddy!
- What's up, man?
- What's good?
Everythin' good. Hey,
look, you got my e-cigs?
Hell no.
You need to try one of these, young blood.
Oh, man, I ain't tryin'
to die before I'm 44.
(LAUGHS)
Man, where the toilet paper at, man?
Oh, here we go.
Cat food, my brother? (LAUGHS)
I took you more as a Doberman Pincher,
Bulldog type or Rottweiler type.
(LAUGHS)
Hey, a little advice,
get this kind, boy, it
won't roll up in your ass.
(LAUGHS)
- Hey, Freddy.
- Yo.
Man, look like you
been workin' out, boy.
Yeah, man,
my girl said my figure look like 50 Cent.
Go, go, go!
No, bro, you more like 35 Cent.
No, no, no.
Well, you need to be
worried about your car
gettin' tow, tow, towed!
Oh, hell no!
No, fuck, no!
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Man, you know what, not today.
Not today!
Hey, man, that's my car! (CRIES)
Hey, man, why you gonna take
my car, man? Not my baby.
This was on my repo list,
so I'm gonna take it today.
Look here, man,
not my car!
I told you, this was on my list,
so take it wherever or whoever
you gotta take it up with,
but I'm takin' this car today.
You can take my car,
but not with out me in it!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, shoot.
Oh, wait, wait!
Get yo little ass out the car.
Now! Get out the car now!
You know what?
You know what, man?
All right.
You wanna take it,
take it!
Big, jelly-bean-eatin', bald-headed,
fat Albert, hey, hey,
hey-lookin' motherfucker!
Take it, man!
BRIAN VOICEOVER: Just my luck.
I lose my job and my car.
What else could go wrong?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Look at you.
You are pathetic.
That's why I'm dumpin' yo ass.
I got me a real man now.
Really, Ash?
You gonna leave me when I'm down and out,
when I ain't got no money,
my car just got towed,
for real, for real?
I done gave you so many chances,
but you can't even keep a
job with your sorry ass.
- You sorry.
- No, you sorry.
No, you sorry with
your fake ass Tre Songz.
I'ma need you to go get yourself a life,
and a job,
and a car before you come for me.
Say, bro,
she gotta put ice down her draws
just to keep them crabs fresh.
- Just thought I'd let you know.
- Your panties showin',
so pull your skirt down.
Little bitch.
Fake ass cartiers.
Get the hell on outta here.
(SOUL MUSIC)
What up, B?
Man, you don't even wanna know, man.
Look, look, look,
look at that rent & go truck.
I bet you $10 they finna
to pull into my driveway.
(TRUCK BEEPING)
Damn!
Man, I'm only six weeks late on my shit.
Man, you know, man, man, and them?
Man, I bet you they about
eight weeks late on they shit,
and them fools got everything.
Man, they got stoves, refrigerators.
Man, they done rented
carpets, drapes, everything!
They even got one of them leg
lamps from a Christmas Story.
- Get outta here.
- Remember that?
Nigga's got one.
(LAUGHS)
Man, they even got a big ass dog, man.
A dog?
They rented a dog. (LAUGHS)
Shit. Hey, watch this, man.
I'm finna to play the
race card on 'em, though.
Watch this.
Brother,
oh why?
Brother, brother, brother,
what you doin', man?
They told me I had two more weeks, man.
That's not what's on my work form.
What?
It has this address, my brother.
Oh, damn, man.
So, how much I owe, man?
- $300.
- $300?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
You know what, man? I'll tell you what.
I got $60 to my name, man.
Just work out a little payment plan, okay?
I can give you $3.82
for 52 weeks.
Okay, yeah.
No, no, it's not gonna work.
- Oh, damn.
- Come on, guys.
Who the hell is this, Spongebob?
And? Man, come on.
Man, look, I got some Chipotle coupons.
TOWING DRIVER: I don't
want Chipotle coupons.
Man, fuck my life!
Excuse me?
Have a nice day, man. (LAUGHS)
(BLUES MUSIC)
Damn, B.
I don't mean to be in your business,
but it seem like you
need a stress reliever.
Man, I done lost my
job, my car, my girl,
and now my furniture.
Karma kickin' me in my ass right now, man.
Well, I can't do much about karma,
but I do got some smoke
and some drink at the crib.
All right, well, shit,
you ain't say another thing.
Let's kick it.
Motherfucker.
Yeah, B.
Come on in. Have a seat, Rookie.
Let's get it in real quick, man.
Yeah, I need it, man.
Seemed like it, man. It seemed like it.
There you go.
Get it in here, sir.
See how that go for you.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
- Kye-ya-ya!
- Woo, shit!
- Man, that's a cold one, boy.
- Yeah, it ain't over, though.
Take some of that. Let that
marinate in your system.
Get you some of that in you.
Yes, sir. (COUGHS)
Oh, damn, Rookie.
Slow down.
You tryin' to get rid of
your stress in one hit?
Where they do that at?
Man, let me see that shit.
Hit that shit once.
That shit is cold.
Kill the nigga that gave it to ya.
Hold on, man.
I'll be right back, man.
I gotta run upstairs real quick.
Roll it up
Cali king
For that THC
Oh, look at the little birdies.
(LAUGHS) Bluebird.
I wanna smoke
I wanna smoke, nigga
We smoke to forever
Man, somebody's gonna get me.
Somebody fuckin' with my ass.
Hey, bitch, come here. (LAUGHS)
I'll do what I used to
do when I was a kid.
Mama, you know you was wrong for that.
When I was 13,
I got caught, laying up with a prostitute.
I didn't know she was a hoe.
I gave her $12, and she gave me crabs.
Crabs, crabs, free at last,
free them crabs, from my ass.
(LAUGHS)
You good, B?
- Oh, shit.
- Fan blowin'?
Yeah, I was checkin'
out your new thing, man.
That's cool, bro, you know.
Good for the winter, great
for the summer. (LAUGHS)
Hey, man, what's that right there?
Oh, that right there, that's a taser.
My cousin gave it to me.
He used to be a security guard.
You can have it if you want.
For real?
Shit. (DRAMATIC WESTERN MUSIC)
Man, I'm quick draw Brian Lincoln, baby.
(LAUGHS)
Streets is talkin', Jack. (LAUGHS)
(ELECTRICAL BUZZING)
(YELLS PAINFULLY)
Take your finger off the trigger, man.
Get your finger off the trigger.
(MOANING)
You need to be careful, quick
trigger, this ain't no toy.
Can you take me to my mama's house?
(CHUCKLES)
I don't know, Mama.
I just feel like I need
a fresh start, you know?
(EXHALES LOUDLY) I need a clean slate.
40 years old, ain't got a job.
I was talkin' to your
Auntie JoAnn the other day,
and she was sayin' that
the post office was doing some hiring.
- Post office?
- Yes, the post office.
They hiring for the mailman position,
and she thinks your cousin, Erick,
knows someone that does the hiring.
Mama,
they denied your insurance policy?
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
What about your heart?
What about the bypass surgery, Mama?
When God thinks it's time
for me to have the surgery,
he'll provide a way.
(SCOFFS) Man, and look here,
they'll approve you for
the majority of your claim,
and then they going to deny
you 'cause you owe $10,000?
Yeah.
They always want all their money.
Man, I'll tell you what,
you know my heart, Mama,
so, you know we gonna make
sure we take care of yours.
They gonna make me go John
Q up on them in there.
Oh, now stop actin' silly, now.
- I'm tryin' to tell you.
- Here, read this Bible here.
I want you to read Proverbs
three, five, and six.
You know how you was raised.
You right.
You right.
All right, what'd you say, now?
MOTHER: Proverbs, three, five, and six.
Three, five, six.
All right, okay.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart
"and lean not on your own understanding.
"In all your ways, acknowledge him,"
"and he shall direct your paths."
Amen, amen.
BRIAN: Amen.
Now, go call your cousin,
Erick, about that job.
He might let you stay with
him for a little while, too.
But, I'm keepin' this.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
- What up, B?
- What's happenin', brother?
Hey, look, Mom said you had
a plug at the post office.
Yeah, one of my car detailing clients
is the manager down there.
What you tryin' to do?
Well, man, she was
talkin' about mailman.
Yeah, I got you, cuz.
Okay, cool, cool, all right.
Hey, so look, hey, what's up for tonight?
Oh, man, my young dude
Tre about to turn 21.
We gonna take him to the
strip club. You down?
I can only be down mentally, bro.
Financially, my pockets is break.
Ooh, you know what?
Man, I'm goin' to the bloodbank, Jack.
Hell yeah, boy, I'm goin'
to the bloodbank, man.
I'm gettin' me some change, Jack.
I will see you tonight.
ERICK: All right.
Fast.
All right, we're all
done here, Mr. Hamilton.
- (PLAYFUL MUSIC)
- Hey, hey, hey, what's up?
Oh, Lord have mercy.
What's up, Snuffleupagus?
What's up, bro? We meet again.
Yeah, we do, man.
Gotta get this bus trip money.
Yeah, yeah, don't fall
asleep next time, huh?
You Snuffleupagus.
He eat more snacks than my mama.
What's up?
Hey, hey, how much money he get?
Does he make more money than me?
No, goofy.
Oh, okay, I was about to say,
that's a whole lot of
plasma come out of him, man.
Hey, look, ya'll probably take
so much plasma off his ass,
a big ass, 90 inch flat
screen come outta there.
(LAUGHS)
That big motherfucker.
- Okay.
- All right.
All right. Wait a minute, hold on, wait.
Brian, you do this every time.
How are you gonna be afraid of a needle,
and you got a tattoo?
'Cause that's on the outside, okay?
You about to jab that in my vein.
Relax.
(GRUNTING FEARFULLY)
Wait, wait, girl, you lucky you fine.
Ow! (GRUNTS)
You probably wanna lay here for a while,
so you won't get lightheaded.
Hell, no, girl, I'm
finna to go get my money.
All right, I'm finna to go get paid.
(LAUGHS)
("FREEBAND ANTHEM" BY DOE BOY)
("I DIP" BY E DAWG)
That's gonna be $30, papi.
$30? I didn't ask you to dance.
$30, shit.
I got $10.
$10?
No, no, no, no,
you better go use that ATM
machine we got in the front.
Oh, you must've mistaken
this box of cigarettes
for a wallet. (LAUGHS)
Here, you want a square?
I don't want no damn cigarette.
- I want my money.
- Hey!
Where's security at?
Oh, you ain't gotta do all that.
Security!
What's goin' on over here?
Look, Miss Lucci, this my cousin.
Okay, well, your
cousin still owes me $30,
and I want my damn money.
- (HIP HOP MUSIC)
- My goodness.
Here you go, sweetheart.
Everything cool?
Thanks, Erick.
Bye, Brian.
(GROWLS)
Phew, boy, she had me seduced.
Man, I thought you had $30.
No, man, I went to the bloodbank today.
Man, they tried to pay me with a check.
Whatever, B.
Look, that's my man, Chris,
and this the birthday boy, Tre.
Damn, B, you was doin'
more than me on my birthday.
- Happy birthday. (LAUGHS)
- Let's get out of here, man.
I still gotta drop you off
at the mailman training in the morning,
unless you know how to drive half pint.
Man, who and what the
hell is a half pint?
Look, I don't care what it is, man,
as long as it get me from A to B,
I'm fine.
It can be half a pint, half
a gallon, or a whole gallon.
Let's roll. (LAUGHS)
Oh, wait, wait, wait, man.
I got one question for
you. I need a favor.
Okay, for sure, what you need?
I just need a little pee pee.
A little bit of my piss, for what?
Man, don't ask me no questions.
I just need a little piss.
Look at that pretty skin and shit.
Hell yeah.
Gotta pass the test, man.
You know the post office be,
man, they be checkin'.
That they do.
He don't smoke?
Not that I know of.
All right.
BRIAN VOICEOVER: Now,
my plan is to swipe out
my dirty urine with Tre's clean urine,
then make it back to postage
training just in time.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Oh, damn.
Tastes like chicken.
Okay, here we go, half pint.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
I'm glad you can join us, Mr. Lincoln.
(LAUGHS) Thank you.
Good morning, people.
My name is Frank Crawford.
I'll be your instructor for
the postal carrier training course.
Being a postal carrier is not a game.
This is Tracy Thompkins.
She's carried the mail in all 50 states.
(LAUGHS) Carrying the mail
is the most important job in the world.
Is something funny, sir?
Oh, no sir.
Me and Mr. Cocks was
havin' a conversation.
I'm sorry, sir.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the most integral part
of the postal service
is the operation of the postal vehicle.
The postal truck is your friend.
The postal truck is your baby.
Today, we find out if you are up to task.
(MILITARY DRUM MUSIC)
Tracy, key.
So,
who's first?
That'll be me.
I do believe I was first in line.
I do believe I was first in line.
- Man, I'm first.
- I was first, Mr. Crawford.
Gentlemen, please.
This is not grammar school,
where we're tryin' to figure
out who's first in line.
I make those decisions.
Mr. Cocks, you're up.
Go ahead, pimp.
Let's see what Cocks does.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Let me see you top that.
Thank you, Mr. Cocks.
(SPUTTERS LIPS)
Mr. Lincoln, you up.
Now, I'll show you how
it's done, you feel me?
You lookin', Cocks? (LAUGHS)
Okay, I'll do this, baby.
So, just cut it off?
Okay.
(ENGINE REVS)
(LAUGHS)
All right. (UPBEAT MUSIC)
Here we go.
All right.
(INSECT BUZZING)
Oh, shit! (YELLING FRANTICALLY)
Oh, get it off me!
Somebody get it off me!
Oh, shit!
(YELLING LOUDLY)
Man, I got stung by the bee, get me out!
Oh, shit!
Man, you didn't get stung by no bee!
Man, get somebody. Help me, Jesus!
I need some peroxide.
Man, what the hell?
- What's wrong with you?
- I need some witch hazel.
I need somethin'.
I got stung. I'm allergic,
man. I can't die like this.
It's right there, you see it?
It's right there.
I need somebody to suck it out.
You ain't stung, man!
Suck it out! I'll die from this.
Man, give me my keys.
Oh, shit. Okay, I'll get the key.
We're done here.
Everybody, movin' on.
(MILITARY DRUM MUSIC)
It's time for weather trainin'.
Weather trainin' is super important,
because you will operate
in some uncomfortable weather conditions.
Even though it's raining,
you still have to deliver the mail.
You must remain mentally strong,
because nobody likes being wet,
especially while they're workin'.
You will learn to love it.
You will learn to respect it.
With that being said,
Tracy will be pelting
you with the water cannon
while you attempt to put the
mail in the proper boxes.
If you fail this part of the training,
it is over for you right now.
So, with that, ladies and gentlemen,
let's get wet. (ROCK MUSIC)
Right there, right there,
right there, right there.
Come on.
There you go.
You're the real deal, son.
Come on, Lebron James.
Way to go.
Come on, young petal,
make the move, make the move!
Well done, well done.
Get in there.
Wow, way to go, Harry!
Way to go, Harry!
Way to frickin' go!
All the way!
(FRANK YELLING)
Come on!
You can do it!
You can do it!
Fight it, fight it!
Come on, man, let's go, let's go.
In the hole, in the hole.
Yes!
Get out of there, boy, get out of there!
(SHRIEKS) That's what I'm talkin' about!
We got some mail carriers
out here today, baby!
(SCREAMS)
Man, I don't think I can do this.
There's water all over my face and shit.
Man, I signed up to be a mail carrier,
not Michael Phelps round this,
you know what I'm sayin'?
If you don't think
you can hack it, quit.
Oh, you would like that, wouldn't you?
I ain't quittin'.
I'ma outlast your ass, Mr. Cocks.
We'll see about that.
Hey, can I get everybody's attention?
First of all, ladies and gentlemen,
you guys have been amazing.
Let me be the first to welcome
you to the postal service.
You're officially mail carriers.
Now, we got some business to take care of
before we get out of here.
So, I got a couple of rules for you,
and I'll be lettin' you know
where you'll be stationed.
Now, every station does
not need a mail carrier,
so at least one of you will be stationed
with someone from this class.
In which case, it is
your position to lose.
Now, there's two things
that'll get you terminated.
One is not delivering all of the sale ads.
Don't be stealing no coupons, Jennifer.
And, two, a roll away.
Can anybody tell me what a roll away is?
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Mr. Cocks.
That occurs when you
do not turn your wheel
towards the curb and
apply your safety break.
Your mail truck could roll down the street
without you in it.
That's exactly right, Harry Cocks.
So, your mail truck is
rolling down the street,
and you're not in it.
How dangerous is that?
I got news for you:
That's grounds for immediate termination.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
be careful out there.
Make me proud.
Till the sweat runs down my balls
(LAUGHS) That echo sounds nice.
Momma I got some money
Oh, Lord have mercy.
Hell no, if it ain't Mr. Harry Penis,
the teacher's pet of the year.
(LAUGHS)
What's up, boy?
Great, they got me down here with you.
Look, I'm not here to make any friends,
so you try to do your job,
and I will do mine.
Ain't that a bitch. (LAUGHS)
You know what, you do your job,
and I will do mine,
you Jeffrey Dahmer lookin', ooh.
All right, everybody,
time for morning meeting.
Let's go, let's go, come on,
can I get some respect here?
And I want y'all outta
here on time for once.
Show some respect.
Thank you.
Now, we have two new E's joining us today,
Mr. Lincoln and Mr. Cock.
It's Cocks.
Cocks.
Y'all asked for it, now you got it.
Tracy, please, morning meeting.
Good morning, everybody.
Mail is not heavy today,
so everybody should have a good day today.
Everybody.
There's no rain in the forecast,
but the heat index is up,
so make sure you got plenty of water,
Gatorade,
or anything else to
keep you cool out there.
All right?
Let's finish casing up your mail,
so you can get outta here on time.
Glad you could join us, Mr. Berry.
My name ain't no God damn Mr. Berry.
My name is Crazy Dave.
Oh, okay.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
If you need more dog spray, come see me.
All right, be safe, everybody.
Mr. Lincoln, Mr. Cocks,
stay here so Miss Kelly can
put you with a trainer, okay?
Oh, Scott, I want you
to ride with Lincoln.
Mark, you ride Cocks.
Gentlemen, I need you
to pay close attention
to what they are teaching you.
All right, thank you.
How you doing?
I'm good, brother. How you doing, man?
All right. What's your first name again?
I'm Brian.
All right. I heard them
calling you Mr. Lincoln.
You want me to call you
Mr. Lincoln or Brian?
No, man, Brian's good.
Okay, that's what I thought.
Okay, Brian, well you
already know I'm Scott,
so you got any questions for me?
Yeah, Scott, man, what's
all these numbers, man?
They're everywhere.
Well, there is where we
put all the DPS mail together
by address and street name,
so it's in some type of
order when we're delivering.
Oh, okay.
All right, man, 'cause I'll
tell you what, brother,
if I gotta wake up to this every day, man,
I'd probably get a damn headache.
You don't have to worry about this yet,
but eventually Miss Kelly
will have you casing.
Man, I ain't looking forward to that.
(LAUGHS)
MISS KELLY ON INTERCOM:
Can Mr. Cocks and Lincoln
come to my office, please?
Oh, man, man,
I think they found out
about my felony, man.
I thought the girl was 20, I swear.
(LAUGHS)
Look at your face.
I'm just jokin', bro.
Hey, look, man, which way do I go?
That way.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
All right, gentlemen,
you don't get your uniform allowance
for another three months,
which means rookies can
obviously wear what they like,
but do you think that'd make me happy?
Do you think? Do you think?
Over there's a box filled with stuff
that has been donated from
some of our regular carriers.
Now, when you find something you like,
you are more than welcome to put it on
in the locker room down the hall.
You can keep your balls in
your draws in my office.
You, too, Mr. Cock.
Oh, it's Cocks.
MISS KELLY: What?
Cocks, with an S.
Well, keep it all in
your draws, all right?
(BRIAN LAUGHING)
All five of 'em,
however many you think you got.
What is so funny?
Cock, you know.
MISS KELLY: I'll be back
in a few minutes, okay?
- All right. (LAUGHS)
- MISS KELLY: You just silly.
I don't know why I even hired you.
I don't know why I bother with you.
All right, let's see what we got here.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
(LAUGHS) Wait a minute, man, calm down.
Oh, hell no.
Man, this shit, this like
Daisy Dukes, man, damn.
Looks like I might as
well be wearing a romper.
Mr. Romper room,
you should just be happy
that you're getting
some authentic post office uniforms.
Yeah, whatever, man.
I'm gonna be changing
in the locker room.
Yeah, you go right ahead.
I'll be changing right here.
Put my ass out in the open.
All right.
What's up?
Now, you look like a postman.
Okay, all right.
All I gotta do now is teach
you how to deliver mail.
Hey, man, I'm ready, baby.
What we gonna do today? What's first?
Oh, you know what?
First, man, I gotta stretch, man.
Man, I don't know what's goin'
on with these shorts, man.
That's a good idea.
Man, dude, I ain't stretchin' for real.
Man, look it here,
these shorts so tight, man,
they huggin' my nuts to my thighs.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Well, you do look professional, though.
Whoo! Man.
This ain't right.
I already got my practice in.
You're the one that's in
training. Here, you drive.
Okay, I'll drive.
Get these shorts off my
blue balls, you know?
We can make it work.
Hold on, man.
I'm tryin' to get up in this.
God damn!
Look at this God damn Terry
Crews lookin' motherfucker.
When we start hirin' felons?
Man, so this the new boy, huh?
Yeah, they started
phasing out the old trucks,
started bringing in these
new Nissan cargo vans.
Oh, okay,
so, hey, we gotta start
payin' for our own gas?
- Nah.
- We don't?
Company gives us a gas card.
Gas card, woo baby.
Well, let's get it crackin' then.
Hey.
Shit, boy, it's hot as hell in here, boy.
What they got the air
conditioner set on, Hell?
All right, hold up, let me turn this up.
All right, I'm set and ready to go, so.
Take off.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Like I said, Brian,
you'll see all types on this route, bro.
Yeah.
Yes, sir.
Hey, Mr. Postman.
I like them shorts.
You got my mama mail?
Hell no, I ain't got your mama mail.
What yo mama name, Louise?
No, Miss Parker.
Nah, this ain't her.
Baby, who are y'all? The OMG girls?
Destiny's Child rejects? (LAUGHS)
I like them shorts anyway.
Oh, thanks, sweetie.
(YELLING LOUDLY)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
That's just Carlos, man,
the little pain in the ass of the street.
We see all types out here, brother.
I'ma ask you again: Are you ready?
Man, this shit's crazy.
Yeah, I'm ready.
All right, I'm ready.
Oh, man, what the?
You got my check?
- You got my check?
- No, not today, Tyrone.
It comes in a couple weeks, buddy.
Okay.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Man, what the hell he
doin' with a football?
He used to be an all-American
running back in high school.
And, it's hot as hell
with that fur coat on, man.
What the hell?
I don't know if I can do this, bro.
Hey, Scott.
How you doin' today, Miss Benham?
This is Brian.
He'll be covering for
me for a couple of weeks
while I'm on vacation.
That's right, you're
goin' on your big cruise.
Miss Benham knows everything
that's goin' on in this neighborhood.
- Nothing gets by her.
- Okay.
Nothing.
I record everything on
this phone, everything.
All right, now. Double 007.
(LAUGHS) That's good to
know. This belongs to you.
All right, have a good day.
Ooh, hey,
oh my gosh.
- Thank you so much.
- All right, no problem.
Hey, you know, you are awfully sexy.
You like milk and cookies?
Milk and cookies?
Milk and cookies.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
(GRUNTS) Cookies, cookies.
Come on.
Bust it down
Bust it down
Bust it down
Bust it down
Bus it down
The boy had on Speedos and a housecoat.
(LAUGHS) But, did you see the twerkin'?
The twerkin', man.
(LAUGHS) Oh, man.
What's up, young man?
You're our new mailman?
Yes, indeed, I am, son.
KID: Man, you look stupid.
- I bet I'm smarter than you.
- You got on some nut huggers.
Man, I ain't a bull. I've hurt no kids.
Ain't a bull slappin' no kid.
Nigga, you better hold me back.
Brian, relax, relax.
Ooh, boy.
We got all kinds on this route.
All kinds.
Hey, look, hey.
I'm 'bout to put him in a choke hold.
Children 'round the neighborhood and shit.
(CAR HORN HONKS)
Ooh, shit.
Hey, Scott.
Hey, Jovanne, how you doin'?
How are you doing?
I'm good, I'm good. This is...
Brian Lincoln at your service.
Yes. (LAUGHS)
You are so very titty. (LAUGHS)
I mean, pretty. Yes.
Okay, so nice to meet you.
(BRIAN MUMBLING)
Oh, yes. (SPEAKING SPANISH)
(LAUGHS)
It's not Cinco de Mayo.
BRIAN: Oh, okay.
No, but it is nice to meet you,
and you're very guapo.
Oh, well, I do have plenty guapo, okay?
I got a government-o, say job-o.
Anyway, baby, look here.
I need your signature for this, okay?
JOVANNE: Okay.
Just sign right there.
On the bottom line, yeah.
Fergie, Black Eyed Peas
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
Oops, I ain't mean to do that.
- I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
Okay, good, yeah.
Ooh (SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
- Oh, yay.
- Oh, yes.
I'm excited.
Oh, Lord, what is this, girl?
Are you the neighborhood
sex drug dealer round here?
No, silly, this is the stuff
that keeps me slim and sexy.
Ooh, girl, I'll tell you what,
you are slim, and you are sexy.
(LAUGHS) Oh, you know.
Then, it's working.
Ooh, good catch.
(LAUGHS) Damn.
Ugh, girl, you know, I just
wanna put a little toot toot
on your beep beep, you
know what I'm sayin'?
Well, we got some more work to do.
- Beep beep.
- Let's move it along, Brian.
Hey, look, here we go,
I'm gonna have all your
checks for you, okay?
All your mail.
(SPEAKS SPANISH) Yeah, you're so cute.
(BRIAN YELLING GIBBERISH)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
What's up, Scott? What
you got for me today?
You can keep them bills, though.
No, not today, Mack,
just these advertisements.
This is Brian. He'll be
filling in for me for a while.
Oh, let me properly introduce myself.
My name is Mack.
I run everything over here.
- Okay.
- And, over there.
All right, okay, relax, man, relax.
Okay, all right, so that's you, huh?
MACK: Mm hmm.
All right, man, well listen in.
I'm not tryin' to run nothin', all right?
I just be here doin' my job.
Good, 'cause if I
ever catch you creepin'
over at Jovanne's house,
there's gonna be a
problem, homie, a problem.
Oh, Jesus, boy, was you
suckin' titties last night?
(LAUGHS) I think the milk went bad.
(LAUGHS)
Nigga, that's man breath.
Oh, shit.
You wouldn't know nothin' about that.
All right, Mr. Scott,
let's beam up outta here.
- Come on, Brian.
- Fellas, ya'll be easy now.
Tight ass shorts on.
What's up, Aaliyah?
- Hey, Mack.
- How your brother doin'?
He fine.
- Tell him to call me.
- Okay.
Her brother got that paper.
Oh, man.
Gonna grab a bite to eat, bro.
I'm starvin'.
No, man, shit, my feet killin'
me from all that walkin'.
I'm just gonna sit right
here, chill, drink my water.
Yeah, that's how it
was when I first started.
Well, suit yourself.
I'll be back.
All right, man.
Damn, my feet killin' me.
(GRUNTS)
(ELECTRONIC HISPANIC MUSIC)
(GRUNTS)
Oh, aw, hell no.
You okay in there?
Whoa, whew, man, I just had
the worst dream of my life.
I mean, my girl was like,
one minute she was,
and then the other minute,
man I just saw somebody in a blue,
Cookie Monster suit with his ass out.
- It was crazy.
- What?
That don't make me gay, does it?
Gay friendly.
Gay friendly.
Let's get the hell outta here.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
It's cool, bay.
If you're good with it, I'm good with it.
- Erick.
- ERICK: We in here, cuz.
- (HIP HOP MUSIC)
- What's happenin'?
Oh, yeah.
All right.
Damn, B, can you
breathe in them clothes?
What, man? These
government issues, Jack.
What you talkin' about, man?
Look, I'm just sayin', man,
they got you lookin' like the
mailman slash boy scout, bro.
Yeah, go and get your jokes out.
Look, man, this my friend Shane-Shane,
this my cousin Brian.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You are so booty-ful.
I mean, beautiful.
- (BOTH LAUGHING)
- Thank you.
ERICK: Man, sit yo ass down.
I'm just sayin'.
Well, I got a cousin that
could probably hook you up.
I mean, I've seen her
work miracles on people.
- Okay.
- I mean, but, why you ain't
just wear some pants, though?
Did you see how hot it is outside?
It's hot as hell.
All right? I ain't
gonna be walkin' around,
deliverin' mail with that on.
All right, well let
me get her on the phone.
Keysha,
girl.
You still got the hookup on them clothes?
'Cause, girl, I mean,
we got a 911, man down,
Rihanna-type situation over here.
Calm down, all right?
I ain't lookin' for nothin'.
Yeah, you think you could
do that for me, though?
Okay, cool. I'll holler at you.
Okay.
She said she got you.
All right, then.
Shit, that's what I'm talkin' about, girl.
I'ma have to move up into
upper menage. (LAUGHS)
I mean management on the job, you see.
Hey, what's up, Clay?
Your little sister tell
you I said, "Call me,"
man, I ain't hear from you.
Yeah, she told me to call you.
Money callin', too, my
nigga, and we gettin' it.
About that, I need a favor.
That favor require
money? I ain't got it.
Damn, nigga, you ain't even hear me out.
Nigga, I ain't got to hear you out
to know that no mean no.
Beat it.
- It's like that?
- Yeah.
- It's like that.
- All right.
Yup. Remember that.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
All right, everybody, listen up.
Bring it in.
Come on.
You look like a damn hip hop fool.
Oh, well, thank you for noticing.
Just a little somethin'
my peoples put together.
All right, everybody, remember
to hit all of your scan
points out there today, okay?
That goes for everybody,
including you, Mr. Berry.
Crazy Dave.
(LAUGHS)
All right, let's get to work.
Let's go.
That boy's crazy, man.
(HUMS LOUDLY)
What's up, baby?
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Wow.
See you took care of your shorts problem.
(LAUGHS) Yeah, man,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Yesterday, I was lookin'
like Julius Irving.
Today, I'm lookin' like
Lebron James, ya dig?
Okay, Lebron James,
dump the rest of these packages
in the back of the truck.
Right away, right away.
(GRUNTS)
Okay, you got your scanner on you?
Yep.
Good, 'cause I got chewed
out by Miss Kelly yesterday.
(LAUGHS) Hurry up, so we
can get back my route.
Okay, all right.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(DOG BARKING)
Look at ya, little thing.
You a little monster, ain't ya?
I'll get ya.
I'll get ya.
(GASPS FEARFULLY)
Oh, shit.
(UPBEAT MUSIC) (DOG BARKING)
Oh, shit.
(LAUGHS)
(YELLING FEARFULLY)
Tonka, get over here. Stop
playin' with the mailman.
Yeah, Tonka.
Don't play with the mailman.
(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY)
(BRIAN WOOTING)
Ooh, man.
Well, Brian, it's been fun training you.
It's vacation time for
me starting tomorrow.
BRIAN: Okay.
Just remember everything I showed you.
Please remember to hang the scanner up,
and oh, don't forget,
we don't go in people's backyards.
Right, exactly man.
I had to learn that the hard way, right?
(LAUGHS)
Hey, but listen, man,
thank you for everything, man.
I think I really got this, man.
- All right.
- Yeah.
All right.
Hey, how was your day out there today?
Man, it was crazy out there.
Crazy is right.
Somebody kidnapped a little
girl a couple days ago
from the same neighborhood you work in.
- Damn, that's messed up.
- Yeah.
Just be on the lookout.
Yeah, definitely.
All right.
(SCANNER BEEPING)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(SCANNER BEEPS)
Delete.
So long, Mr. Lincoln.
Oh, this motherfucker.
(GRUNTING)
(QUIVERING) Oh, Lord.
Shit, hey.
This motherfucker, ugh.
Oh, man.
What, man, you ain't gonna
wash your hands or nothin'?
You ain't gonna wash your hands?
Man, you ain't Crazy Dave, you Nasty Dave.
MISS KELLY ON INTERCOM:
Mr. Lincoln, in my office now.
Come on in, sit down, Mr. Lincoln.
Hey, what's up, Miss Kelly?
I've been goin' over these scanners.
How come everybody's
is in except for yours?
What?
Hey, I swear I made all my scans today.
All right, well, I don't
know what's up either,
but you need to learn what's up.
Look, I'm gonna give you a
chance to redeem yourself,
only because I remotely like you.
Now, a package came here from
Pepper Pike, wrong station.
I told them we'd just go
ahead and deliver it for them.
- Can you do that?
- All right.
While you're out there,
take a look at this flyer.
Oh, yeah, yeah, that's the missing girl.
Tracy was tellin' me about this.
Yeah.
I need you to keep your eyes
open out there, all right?
BRIAN: Okay, will do.
Thank you, Mr. Lincoln, you can go.
All right.
Ugh, Tyrone, what the hell
are you doin' in my truck?
Got my check? Got my check?
Nah, man, I ain't got no check, man.
'Bout three more weeks, all right?
(UPBEAT ROCK MUSIC)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Oh, wait.
"Please take mail from mailbox."
Okay.
(LOUD SNAPPING)
Oh, Lord! (YELLING LOUDLY)
Jesus!
You little basterd,
hey, you better not put
this on the internet!
I don't wanna see it on Facebook,
Instagram, YouTube, none of it!
I'ma murder these kids.
I don't know if I can do this job.
I don't know what's gonna happen to me.
Mr. Lincoln.
Yo, yo.
Hey, I got that package Miss
Kelly wants you to deliver.
Oh, okay.
You gotta hurry up, too,
'cause you gotta go all the way
over there to that rich neighborhood.
All right, be safe.
All right.
Damn, wait a minute, Mr. Postman.
Oh, hey there, ma'am, how you doin'?
Ooh, you can bring that
mail right here, baby.
Ooh, boy, you must be
new. What's your name?
Brian Lincoln, ma'am.
Oh, man.
Oh, no, no, boo-boo.
You call me Peaches.
Okay.
Look at you, lookin' all
caramel and scrumdiliumcious.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Ooh, I can tell you smoke weed
by the way your lips look.
I keep that law back, baby,
and if you ever wanna come to the jungle
and wrestle with the cougar,
I'm one knock away, baby. (GROWLS)
You got the cougar sound
down and everything. (LAUGHS)
Well, Miss Peaches,
if I'd ever decide I wanna be Tarzan,
I'll give you a knock, okay?
One knock away, baby.
BRIAN: All righty then.
Mm, mm, mm.
Ooh.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
Oh, hello, typically white lady,
jogging in a typical white
neighborhood. (LAUGHS)
Damn, she got an ass, too.
Shit.
Where this house at?
Is this the right address?
It's right.
Damn, why they got that big ass horse
sittin' in the front yard?
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
All right.
(WHIMPERING FAINTLY)
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Dog contained by invisible fence?
That mean you can't get me?
Hey, boy, you can't get me now.
You can't get me.
Ha!
Get some of this. Come
on, get some of this!
Get it, get it, get it!
(LAUGHS)
Oh, I get you boy.
Oh, shit.
All right, Miss Jovanne Mendoza.
Let's see what you got goin'
on in your social media.
Mm, talent show, Saturday night.
Sign up online.
Okay, I think I will.
They want my social?
What they want my social
for? What the hell?
Oh, it's a money prize, okay.
Oh, I got somethin' for that ass. (LAUGHS)
Hey, brother, hey.
Oh, man!
Hey, maybe just count to 10, man.
I ain't gonna shoot you, Mr. Postman.
These motherfuckers
kidnapped my little sister,
and I'm gonna kill 'em when I catch 'em.
The little kidnapped girl?
That's your little sister?
Yeah.
Oh, baby, look, man.
I could communicate with
you a lot better, okay,
if you just drop that gun.
Come on, man, put the gun down.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
You can do it, yeah.
These motherfuckers
kidnapped my little sister.
They holdin' her for ransom.
I'm agreein' to pay,
but they keep goin' up on the damn price.
Two years ago, my mother died,
and I swore to her that I'd
look out for my little sister.
What's your name, man?
I'm Brian.
Brian, I'm Clay.
I see you walkin'
through the neighborhood,
deliverin' your little mail.
You hear anything around
this motherfucker,
you bring it to me.
You hear me? You bring it to me.
Man, I hear anything, I
will bring it to you, okay?
Now, all that shit yours.
Mr. Lincoln, are you
trying to get fired?
No, Miss Kelly, what's
up? What happened?
How come when I walked past
your casing area this morning,
I found a whole bunch of
advertisement papers balled up
with the addresses ripped off?
I don't know,
because I delivered
all my advos yesterday.
I mean, I don't know,
somebody must've put 'em there.
I'm not trying to hear your
cokin', danggon', poppycock.
That's two,
two strikes now.
You get one more, Mr. Lincoln.
One more again,
and your ass is outta here!
Now, get your ass outta here!
Go on and get out of my office!
All right, man, but man,
I'm just tryin' to say.
Jesus, take the wheel and
get outta my office, man.
Get out!
You drive me crazy.
Where my pills?
Oh, man.
Man, you know what?
I know I delivered all
of my shit yesterday.
Somebody's tryin' to set me up.
I see the hip hop mailman
got chewed out again, huh?
Man, if you don't get the hell on.
Man, you lucky I had a
bad night last night.
Not in here, Brian, not today.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Woo!
It's goin' down in here tonight.
Hey, man, that's the
girl right there, boy.
Man, she aight.
Man, come on.
Hey, the talent show about to start.
What's up, what's up, what's up?
It's the one and only DJ Ryan Wolf,
right now with the Saturday Night Special.
We do this each and every Saturday.
First up, Jovanne.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Give it up for Jovanne, everybody,
with your sexy self.
Mm, mm, mm.
Next up, we got Matt
rappin', "Pissin' Me Off."
You don't wanna be pissin 'me off
'Cause you're pissin' me off
Stop pissin' me off
(RAP MUSIC)
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Last, but not least, we got Brian Lincoln.
How y'all doin'?
I just wanna do a little
somethin' I wrote.
I was sittin' at home
worried about my girlfriend.
I haven't been able to
find her lately, so.
(GUITAR MUSIC)
I'm a loner sort of guy,
but I'ma be all right.
Just wanna say
Bitch, where are you?
I ain't seen you in a while
Came by your house yesterday
And your mama said, "Child"
Oh, y'all ain't feelin' that one, huh?
All right, I got one for you.
How 'bout this?
Til the sweat run down my balls
Til all you bitches crawl
All you skeet, skeet,
skeet motherfucker
All, you skeet, God damn
From the window
To the wall
Til the sweat run down my balls
All you bitches crawl
Everybody!
All you skeet, skeet,
skeet motherfucker
All you skeet, God damn
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
Thank you.
Everybody give it up for B.
You feel me, boy?
Now it's time to see who
gone win the big ones,
$500.
Could my lovely assistant
please come up with the slip?
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
And the winner is
Brian Lincoln.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDS)
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Yeah, I'ma use that
whole $500 on you, boo.
(LAUGHS) I can use that,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Hey.
Hey, what's up, girl?
You're supposed to be my
mailman, not stealing my money.
Well, you know, baby,
I had to go up there
and do what I had to do. (LAUGHS)
JOVANNE: All right.
Well, you know, I'm just kiddin' girl.
Look, how you doin'?
You can sing, girl.
Thank you,
but I'm sad now.
BRIAN: What's up?
I lost.
I'll tell you what.
Let me make it up to you, okay?
We'll go out for drinks.
That sounds cool.
Okay, cool, let me have your number.
No, you know what? Matter of fact,
let me give you mine,
so I know you serious,
you know what I'm sayin'?
Oh, my God, you're so silly. (LAUGHS)
Hold up.
Okay, so I'm gonna call you from work.
BRIAN: Okay.
So, don't try to play Mr.
Joe Cool, whatever you guys do.
Pick up my call.
You just gonna holler at this nigga?
You know I'm right here.
- Mack.
- Mack, just chill.
Shut up, fool, ain't
nobody talkin' to you.
Damn, man, you been
suckin' on that titty again?
- Shut up, nigga.
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, hell no.
Get outta my bar, now!
Come on, man.
If it's movin' around here,
we definitely don't know about it.
I know that's right.
(CAR HORN HONKS)
Who's that?
(LAUGHS) I know that ain't my nigga Tino.
(LAUGHS) Hey, man, I'll be right back.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
Tino.
What up, Mack?
Look at you, boy.
Mack, baby, look at you.
Man, how you been, man?
I'm good, man.
- What's good, man?
- Long time, no see, baby.
Yeah, man, I've been chillin', man.
Like when Jordan was wearing 54.
Don't you mean 45?
45, 72, whatever, man.
I'm just tryin' to stay out of jail, baby.
I see you still a fool, man.
Look, if you need somethin',
I got you.
Bro, I'm so happy you said that, man.
Damn, I'm happy.
You know, 'cause I do need a favor.
Talk to me.
I need you to check this out,
man, 'cause the government,
I think they got it tagged, man.
Why you say that?
Watch this, man.
Siri, what is my name?
SIRI: You're Tino.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Look at that.
Siri, how much money
do I got in my pocket?
- SIRI: $5.75.
- How do she know that?
Man, you been gone too long.
Your girl probably programmed
your name in that phone.
That's just Siri talkin' to you.
Who the hell is Siri, and
how do she know my name?
Look, man, go see your family,
come back and holla at me.
I'll show you how to work your phone.
Siri, where is this nigga goin'?
SIRI: I'm not sure I understand.
See, she know that, too.
She said you ain't goin' nowhere.
Hey.
Sweet Jesus, he's here.
He here, y'all. He here.
Hey, Bernard.
Hey, baby.
We all been waiting on you.
My name is Brian.
Oh, I see, okay.
Bernard Walker cremation.
Cremation?
Oh, hell no.
Can you take this dead
body from me, please?
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
Come on in, baby.
No, I'm sorry, Miss Walker,
I gotta finish making my deliveries.
We just gonna say a little
prayer right quick, that's all.
All right, okay, no problem.
Okay, come on.
Oh, thank you.
He's here, y'all, he's here.
I should've never smoked that weed.
Let us pray.
Dear Father in heaven,
we come before you asking
for comfort, Father,
for the friends, family, and the
loved one of the dearly departed.
We come to you, Father,
(CAR HORN HONKS)
because we...
uh oh.
That's cousin Tino.
Hey, hey, how y'all doin'?
All right, love the dress.
Look here, I've been in the pen,
and while I was in there,
I picked up a Bible.
So, now I wanna read somethin'
for my cousin, Bernard.
Let's turn to the book of Ludacris.
That's Leviticus.
Okay, well how 'bout
the book of Pisan?
That's Pslams.
Okay, we'll let's
turn to the book of Job.
That's Job.
Dang, boy.
Uncle, just finish the prayer.
Okay.
Lord, he was a faithful man,
just not to his wife,
and he was a good provider for his family,
when he wasn't spendin' all his money
on Newport kings and the lottery.
And, he was the kinda guy
that'd give you the shirt off his back,
but he usually didn't have one,
because he gambled it away.
And, Lord, we love him,
because you gave him to us.
We may need to talk about that, too, Lord,
but he gone, now, so,
Lord, just comfort us
now in our time of need.
Amen.
Oh, hell naw.
What are you doing here, man?
Me and Bernard used to be homies.
We was bus trip buddies.
Oh, okay.
All right, well, be easy, Jack.
Peaches.
Hey, I got this letter for you.
PEACHES: Come in.
Oh, all right.
(R&B MUSIC)
Hey, there, Miss Peaches.
Got a little letter for ya.
You bring your sexy ass over here
and put that mail right there.
All right, well, you know what?
I'ma put it right here.
Mm, closer.
How 'bout right there? (LAUGHS)
Closer.
Here you go. (GROWLS)
You ready to play Tarzan?
'Cause, I'm playin' Jane.
What you got in them titties, girl.
Oh, Lord.
Oh, wait, wait, no.
There's something in here.
Peaches, Peaches, wait, I got
some K-Y jelly in the truck.
Okay? Let me go get it, okay?
(GROWLS)
It's gonna be slippery when wet, baby.
Come on, let me go get it.
I'll be right back.
(YELLS)
Man, I wonder what the hell he order.
(LAUGHS)
Hey.
Hey, hey, hey, here you go.
I got a package for ya.
(VIBRATES LOUDLY)
Damn, the shit is vibrating.
Oh, my gosh, the batteries
are already in here?
(LAUGHS)
I guess so.
Yeah, look, you enjoy that.
Have a nice day.
Oh.
Damn, what is everybody in
this neighborhood on ecstasy?
See you.
You look so cute in your uniform, though.
Mm, mm, mm.
(R&B MUSIC)
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
Thank you so much for the drinks.
I'm having a really good time with you.
You know what? Me, too.
Good.
Hey, listen, I know
you're probably wondering
what's going on with Mack,
but I just wanna let you know
that that's old business,
and just please be careful
when you go delivering
mail around his house.
He's been acting very strange lately.
You know what, baby, I got it covered.
It's all good, okay?
But, thank you. I appreciate that.
And, also, I want you to know that
I think you're a really great guy,
and this will definitely
not be our last date.
Hey, well, cheers to that.
(LAUGHS) Yes.
Mm hmm.
Three.
Good morning, Miss Tracy. (LAUGHS)
Good morning, Mr. Lincoln.
Miss Kelly.
Okay, look,
I can't find my key on
the vehicle board outside.
You're the one who was drivin' it.
What the hell you askin' us about it for?
I know, but I put it
on the hook last night.
And, it better be on the
hook by the end of the day.
Tracy, go get this boy the spare key
before I have to kill him.
- Let's go.
- It's gonna be cool.
Look, man, just keep
callin' for that ransom money.
He's almost about to crack.
Nigga, don't worry about the girl.
I got everything under control over here.
You just do your part.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Man, you know I ain't about
to hurt that little girl.
I just want her brother
to get those bands up.
All right, I'll holla at you later.
The hell's goin' on out here?
Nothin', man. I was just
puttin' mail in your mailbox.
Oh, it's you,
you ole fake ass country singer.
Thought you was the man
at that little club the other night, huh?
Winning that contest,
hollerin' at Jovanne.
I'ma tell you one more time, man,
leave that shit alone, Mr. Postman.
Look, man, I'm not even on that, Mack.
All right, look, I gotta
finish my deliveries, man.
Mm hmm. You be safe out here.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Hey, Miss Kelly,
I think I know where
that little girl's at.
Okay, no, I'll talk to you
when I get back to the station.
Okay, okay.
Oh.
Fuck.
Oh, shit.
Son of a bitch.
Man.
Oh, man, I can't believe this.
- What, a roll away?
- Yep.
Feel sorry for you.
Damn.
What?!
You just had a roll away accident?
I mean, I was delivering,
and then I just looked up
and saw the truck rollin' down the street.
Did you remember to turn the wheel
towards the curb and set the brake?
This is very important, Mr. Lincoln.
Yeah, I'm pretty sure I did.
- Pretty sure?
- I'm pretty sure I did.
Was there some damage done?
Well, it hit a parked car.
There's a little bit
of damage to the hood,
and the mail truck might have a little,
wee bit of little crack in the window.
What's that, west side?
You know I gotta fire you, right?
Miss Kelly.
You can't let me go.
(EXHALES LOUDLY)
I think I know somethin'
about the kidnapped girl.
I swear, I heard somebody
talkin' about it on my route,
just yesterday,
whole hood talkin' about it.
So, you want me to believe
that you don't know whether or not
you turned a wheel and set a brake,
but you know where a baby,
that's been missing for over three weeks,
and can't no capable cop in town find her,
but you,
you found her?
The one that don't know
about a brake and wheel?
You found her?
I need your key to the truck
and your time card now.
That's what I'm trying to
say. I was gonna call you.
I got a call to make.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, who you callin'?
Security.
Everybody in the hood talkin' about it.
I know what I'm talkin' about.
- Please.
- Yeah, I need you, Joe.
Come on up.
Miss Kelly, please, okay?
Look, I swear, I'll solve this case.
If I solved this case,
you'll keep my job, right?
Huh?
Huh?
Truck key. Time badge.
Oh, you ain't gonna bend, huh?
You know what happens on the news
when them postal workers be gettin' fired.
They be comin' back with machine guns.
I'm just playin', I would never do that.
But, Miss Kelly,
please, just one more chance.
Come on, one more chance.
Be the governor.
Give me a pardon.
Okay, fine.
I messed up.
That's cool.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Mr. Lincoln.
- Yes?
- Good luck.
I can't believe this shit, man.
I'm out of a job again.
You know, man, I do remember,
I did set the parking
brake on that truck, too.
I told my supervisor, too, man,
I think I know who kidnapped that girl.
I think it was Mack that did it.
What you mean, Mack from the club?
Yeah, man.
I was by his house this morning.
I heard him talkin' on the phone,
talkin' about ransom
money and shit like that.
Jovanne said he been
actin' funny lately, too.
Damn, B, what you gonna do?
I don't know.
I need a plan.
I think I know what I'ma
do, though. Hold on.
Hey, Jovanne?
Hey, I need to meet up with you.
All right.
No, no, I'll tell you when I see you.
All right.
Hey, E-man,
if I don't call you in four hours tops,
all right,
I'm gonna need you to send the
police over to Mack's house.
I'll text you the address.
What's up cuz, you need my help?
Nah, man.
This is somethin' I gotta do on my own.
Appreciate it, though.
You sure about this, Brian?
Mack always stays with his gun on his hip.
Well, look, I'm as sure
as I can ever be, all right?
But, that's why I need you
to be on point with this,
- all right?
- Okay.
Anything goes wrong,
that's both our ass.
I got this.
BRIAN: All right, let's go.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Macksy.
Macksy.
Hey.
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) I
wanted to talk to you.
I'm so sorry about everything
that's been going on.
I should've listened to you,
and I really miss you.
(CHUCKLES) Come on in.
Uh huh.
The last time I seen you,
you was with that funny postman dude.
I know. (LAUGHS)
- Can I be honest with you?
- Talk to me.
Well, I just was trying to
make you a little jealous,
and I wanted to win the contest.
I needed the money.
Yeah, well, he almost
got his little ass whooped.
I know, right?
Do you have anything to drink, Macksy?
I'm a little thirsty.
Alcohol or water?
Alcohol. (LAUGHS LOUDLY)
All right, all right.
Mm hmm. There you go.
- Mm, yes.
- Right, right.
Cheers.
Mm hmm, it's good stuff, huh?
(BOTH LAUGHING)
How about I just go
freshen up really quick, huh?
Oh, yeah, yeah, you do that.
When you come back, I'ma beat it up.
(LAUGHS)
Go on with that.
Yeah.
Beat it up face.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Come on.
Come on, papi.
(GRUNTING)
Come on, woman, give me some help!
Ow, I hit my booby.
Oh, boy, my eye.
Shit.
- You all right in there?
- Yes, I'm okay.
I just dropped the trash can.
You gotta hurry up.
Mack is gonna try to beat it up.
He gonna beat you
up? I'll tear him down.
Not like that, bendejo.
Look.
He gonna what?
Just stop. Shh. You gotta hurry.
I gotta keep it in check.
Oh, shit.
Ay dios mio.
Your booty ala carte. Ooh.
(HIP HOP MUSIC)
It's about time, damn!
(LAUGHS)
What took you so long?
I was just getting ready.
All right, well, you better be ready,
'cause you know I got
that baby makin' in me's
about to come up right in there.
Roger that.
(YELLING)
(BOTH TALKING)
I feel a little too much, Macksy,
I can feel the gun.
Can you just take that off, please?
I don't ever take my gun off, ever.
Not even for me?
Come on.
All right, just this once, for you.
Thank you.
Damn!
You feel it, girl?
Yes, so much, Macksy.
I think I'm gonna need another drink.
You got it, baby.
BRIAN VOICEOVER: It all
comes down to this moment.
I'll never forget the look
on her brother's face.
I know Mack got that little
girl somewhere in this house,
but if Jovanne don't cover her end,
we all in trouble.
I got you a drink.
You know what?
I don't feel right without my gun.
(PLAYFUL MUSIC)
Aaliyah?
Aaliyah?
Aaliyah?
Oh, Aaliyah.
Hey, listen here. I'm here to help you.
Everything's okay.
Let me get the rope, okay?
All right, now listen.
I'm gonna need you to stay down
here until I call your name,
okay?
All right, everything's fine.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'll be back.
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
Come on, baby, let's dance again.
Oh.
You know I like it
all up in there with it.
With the, uh huh.
Mack.
What the hell you doin' in my house?
A little kid, Mack?
You didn't know that you
gon' kidnap a little kid?
Why you standin' there lookin'
like you knew about this?
Oh, you did, didn't you?
Get yo ass over there with your boyfriend.
Now, you should've minded
your damn business.
This ain't personal.
It's about money.
Clay had it, and I wanted it.
I'm walkin' outta here
with that little girl, Mack.
How the hell you gonna do that,
when I'm aiming this 45 right at you?
Easy.
All right,
well it's obvious what we have here
is a little Mexican stand off.
(MEXICAN WESTERN MUSIC)
So, I'll tell you what we're
gonna do. Count of three,
I pull my trigger, you pull yours.
Let's see what happens.
One.
Two.
Three. (GUN CLICKS)
What the?
Bitch, you took my bullets?
(TASER BUZZING)
(DRAMATIC MUSIC)
We did that.
We did it.
(LIGHT MUSIC)
Man, that nigga decided to come.
Shit.
Come on.
Aaliyah, come on up, baby girl.
Come up here, baby girl.
Oh, my God, you're okay.
- All right?
- Okay.
All right, let's get you outta here.
Come on.
Mr. Lincoln,
I called you here today to tell you
how proud I am of you for
finding little Aaliyah
and to apologize.
I am so sorry for firing
you and not believing you.
Mrs. Benham has recorded footage
of that cocksucker Harry Cocks
sabotaging your mail truck.
Man, I knew he did that.
But, I told you, I set that brake.
Yes, you did.
I told you, baby.
I see everything on that street.
I recorded everything.
Miss Benham, thank you.
You saved my life.
And,
we'd like to offer you your job back,
but this time as master trainer,
and this is the post office inspector.
He wants to shake your hand in person.
The post office commends you, Brian.
Your brave actions are the reason
that Aaliyah Brown is here with us today.
And, congratulations.
Thank you.
(ALL APPLAUDING)
Oh, Lord, I done saved a baby.
Bring it in.
I knew you had it in you.
I knew it.
BRIAN: We did it!
We did it.
BRIAN VOICEOVER: Well, that's my story.
Every postman has one,
but this one was mine.
As far as the post office goes,
the gang's still there,
most of them, anyway.
Once I became master trainer,
my first trainee was none
other than Snuffleupagus.
He's a pretty good worker, too.
Now, Harry Cocks got
fired once they found out
he was the one that
tampered with my brake.
Word is that boy workin'
over at B&M Bar-B-Que.
They say he make a mean
shoulder sandwich, too.
When Mack finally woke up,
the police was all over his ass.
He got 20 years for the
kidnapping for little Aaliyah.
Me,
I'm lovin' life, baby,
'cause you know what?
For the first time in my life,
I'm fully happy.
I finally, finally got
the love of my life.
Me and Jevonne doin' real well, too.
I'm even thinkin' about marryin' my baby.
Who would've thought Brian Lincoln
would be talkin' about marriage?
Now, a part of that reward
for findin' little Aaliyah was $10,000.
I used that to help
pay off my mom's bills,
so she could finally get that surgery.
(UPBEAT MUSIC)
When y'all first met me,
they called me a loser.
Now, when they see me,
they say, "Hey, Mr. Postman!"
(HIP HOP MUSIC)