Oh, yeah
Oh
Youre gonna wake up one morning
As the sun greets the dawn
Youre gonna wake up one morning
As the sun greets the dawn
You didnt realize
You didnt realize
You didnt realize
Oh, youre gonna miss me, baby
- Oh, youre gonna miss me, baby
- What came first?
The music or the misery?
People worry about kids playing with
guns, or watching violent videos...
that some sort of culture of violence
will take them over.
Nobody worries about kids
listening to thousands-
literally, thousands of songs
about heartbreak, rejection...
pain, misery and loss.
Did I listen to pop music
because I was miserable...
or was I miserable
because I listened to pop music?
Youre gonna wake up wonderin
Find your self on the floor
You don't have to go this second.
You can stay until whenever.
No. We've done the hard part now.
I might as well-
Why don't you stay for tonight then?
Laura.
You're just gonna-
My desert island, all-time top five
most memorable breakups...
in chronological order...
are as follows:
Alison Ashmore, Penny Hardwick...
Jackie Alden, Charlie Nicholson
and Sarah Kendrew.
Those were the ones
that really hurt.
Can you see your name
on that list, Laura?
Maybe you'd sneak into the top ten.
But there's just no room for you
in the top five. Sorry!
Those places are reserved for the kind
of humiliation and heartbreak...
you're just not capable of delivering.
I'm not coming home
If you really wanted to mess me up,
you should've gotten to me earlier!
Oh, yeah
Oh
Which brings us to number one
on the top five, all-time breakup list...
Alison Ashmore.
Candy on the beach
There's nothing better
One moment they weren't there. Not in
any form that interested us, anyway.
And then the next,
you couldn't miss them.
They were everywhere,
and they'd grown breasts.
- And we wanted-
- I want candy
Actually, we didn't even know
what we wanted.
- I want candy
- But it was something interesting.
- Disturbing, even.
- I want candy
- My relationship with Alison Ashmore lasted for six hours:
- I want candy
the two hours after school,
before The Rockford Files...
for three days in a row.
But on the fourth afternoon-
Kevin Bannister.
Slut.
It would be nice to think that
since I was 14, times have changed...
relationships have become
more sophisticated...
females less cruel...
skins thicker,
instincts more developed.
But there seems to be an element of that afternoon
in everything that's happened to me since.
All my romantic stories are
a scrambled version of that first one.
Number two on the top five, all-time
breakup list was Penny Hardwick.
Penny was great-looking...
and her top-five recording artists
were Carly Simon, Carole King...
James Taylor, Cat Stevens
and Elton John.
I remember when rock was young
- Me and Susie had so much fun
- Erin! No, come here!
Holdin hands and skimmin stones
- Had an old gold Chevy and a place of my own
- She was nice.
Nice manners, nice grades, nice looking.
She was so nice, in fact,
that she wouldn't let me put my hand...
underneath or even
on top of her bra.
- Now, when she comes walkin over
- Attack and defense. Invasion and repulsion.
It was as if breasts were little pieces of property
that had unlawfully annexed by the opposite sex.
They were rightfully ours,
and we wanted them back.
Crimson and clover
Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her
breasts that I would try to touch her between her legs.
I was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting
turned down and asking for 50 grand instead.
I wasn't interested in Pennys
nice qualities, just breasts...
and therefore she was no good to me.
What's the point?
It never goes anywhere.
Rob?
I started dating a girl who everyone
said would give it up and who didn't...
and Penny went with this asshole named Chris
Thompson who told me that he had sex with her...
after something like three dates.
I own this store
called Championship Vinyl.
It's located in a neighborhood that
attracts the bare minimum of window shoppers.
I get by because the people
make a special effort to shop here.
Mostly young men...
who spend all their time looking
for deleted Smiths singles...
and original- not re-released,
underlined- Frank Zappa albums.
Fetish properties
are not unlike porn.
I'd feel guilty taking their money
if I wasn't...
well, kinda one of em.
- Morning, Dick.
- Oh. Hi. Hi, Rob.
- Have a good weekend?
- Yeah, okay.
Um, I found the first Liquorice Comfits
album over at Vintage Vinyl...
the one on Testament of Youth.
Never released here.
A Japanese import only.
Great. Great.
- I'll tape it for you.
- No, that's okay. Really.
Cause you liked their second one,
you said. Um, Pop Girls, Etc.
That's the one
with Cheryl Ladd on the cover.
Oh, you never saw the cover, though.
You just had that tape that I made you.
Yeah, I haven't really
absorbed that one yet.
Well...
- I'll just make it for you.
- Okay.
Seymour Stein
I've been lonely
- Dick. What's this?
- It's the new Belle and Sebastian.
Do you like it?
Holy Shiite.
- What the fuck is that?
- Its the new Belle and Sebastian that-
Its a record weve been listening to
and enjoying, Barry.
Well, thats unfortunate,
because it sucks ass.
Yours, I assume.
Mmm, yeah
I used to think
maybe you loved me
Now, baby, I'm sure
Turn it off, Barry!
- And I just cant wait till the day when
you knock - It wont go any louder! I-
- On my door
- Turn it off!
Now every time I go for the mailbox
I gotta hold myself down
Cause I just cant wait
till you write me your-
Okay, buddy, uh,
I was just trying to cheer us up.
So, go ahead. Put on some old
sad bastard music. See if I care.
I dont wanna hear old sad bastard music,
Barry. I just want something that I can ignore.
Heres the thing:
I made that tape special for today.
My special Monday morning tape
for you, special!
Well, its fucking Monday afternoon!
You should get out of bed earlier!
Come on, dude. Play it.
Dont you wanna hear whats next?
- Whats next?
- Play it.
Say it.
"Little Latin Loopy-Loo. "
- Mitch Ryder and the Detroit Wheels?
- No!
- The Righteous Brothers.
- Well, never mind.
No, not never mind. You tell me right now
- whats wrong with the Righteous Brothers?
- Nothing. I- I just prefer
the other one. - Bullshit!
How can it be bullshit
to state a preference?
- Since when did this store become a fascist regime?
- Since you brought that bullshit tape in.
Oh, man, thats great. Thats the fun
thing about working in a record store.
You get to play crappy pap
you dont even wanna listen to.
I just- I thought this tape
was gonna be a fuckin...
conversation stimulator, man.
I was gonna ask you for your top five records
to play on a Monday morning and all that...
and you just had to
fuckin ruin it.
- Well do it next Monday.
- No! I wanna do it now!
I cant fire them. I hired these guys for three days
a week, and they just started showing up every day.
That was four years ago.
Number three on the top five
all-time breakup list?
Charlie Nicholson.
Sophomore year of college.
Whoo!
Am I glad thats over.
As soon as I saw her I realized she was
the kind of girl Id wanted to meet...
ever since I was old enough
to want to meet girls.
I mean, she was different.
She was dramatic
and she was exotic.
- The guy with the make-up and the tongue.
- Gene Simmons. - Gene Simmons. There.
And she talked a lot, and when she talked
she said remarkably interesting things...
about music, books, film and politics.
- Yeah, Chairman Mao. - And she talked a lot. -
Have you ever seen him less than 300 feet tall?
- No.
- Huh? No.
And you wont will you,
sweetheart? No.
Kiss my neck. Yeah.
And she liked me.
She liked me.
She liked me.
At least I think she did.
- Do you like that one?
- Yeah.
Its okay.
We went out for two years, and...
I never got comfortable.
Why would a girl- No, a woman
like Charlie go out with me?
I felt like a fraud. I felt like one of those people who
suddenly shave their heads and said theyd always been punks.
I was sure Id be discovered
at any second.
And I worried about
my abilities as a lover.
And I was intimidated by other men
in her design department...
and became convinced she was
gonna leave me for one of them.
Then she left me for one of them.
The dreaded Marco.
Charlie, you fucking bitch!
Lets work it out!
Just open the fucking door!
Charlie!
Look, lets talk it- Char-
And then I lost it.
Kinda lost it all, you know?
Faith, dignity, about 15 pounds.
When I came to a few months later...
I found, to my surprise,
I had flunked out of school.
I started working in a record shop.
Some people never got over Nam or
the night their band opened for Nirvana.
I guess I never really
got over Charlie.
But the thing I learned from the whole Charlie
debacle is that you gotta punch your weight.
See, Charlie, shes out of my class.
Shes too pretty, too smart,
too witty, too much.
I mean, what am I?
I'm a middleweight.
Hey, I'm not the smartest guy in the
world, but I'm certainly not the dumbest.
I mean, Ive read books like
The Unbearable Lightness of Being...
and Love in the Time of Cholera and,
uh- and I think Ive understood them.
I mean, theyre about girls, right?
Just kidding.
But I have to say...
my all-time favorite book is Johnny
Cashs autobiography, Cash by Johnny Cash.
- Championship.
- Hi.
Hi.
Um, I was thinking...
I could come by the house and pick up
some stuff while youre at work tomorrow.
While I'm at work.
While I'm at work.
- Oh, boy, oh, boy.
- Thats what you got to say is, "Oh, boy"?
I mean, bravo.
Thats-
- Laura, this is just so dumb.
I mean, you should- - Look, Rob.
I gotta go.
Um, I'm looking for a record
for my daughter for her birthday.
"I Just Called to Say I Love You. "
Do you have it?
- Yeah. - Great. -
We have it. - Great.
- Can I have it then?
- No. No, you cant.
- Why not?
- Well, its sentimental, tacky crap, thats why not.
Do we look like the kind of store that
sells "I Just Called to Say I Love You"?
Go to the mall.
- Whats your problem?
- Do you even know your daughter?
Theres no way she likes that song.
Oh- Uh, oh, is she in a coma?
Oh, okay, buddy. I didnt know it was
Pick On The Middle-Aged Square Guy Day.
My apologies.
Ill be on my way.
Bye-bye.
Fuck you.
Nice, Barry. Really, really nice.
That was just top class.
Rob. Top Five Musical Crimes Perpetrated
by Stevie Wonder in the80s and90s. Go.
Sub-question: Is it, in fact, unfair to criticize
a formerly great artist for his latter-day sins?
Is it better to burn out
than to fade away?
- Barry, I'm fucking broke, man!
- Jesus! He was gonna buy one record, which we didnt even have, and then leave and never come back again anyway.
- Thats not the point. What did he ever do to you?
- He offended me with his terrible taste.
It wasnt even his terrible taste.
It was his daughters.
Are you defending that ass-muncher?
Come on, Rob.
Youre going soft in your old age.
Jesus!
Now all of a sudden
I'm offending your golf buddy.
I'm gonna tell you something
for your own good, pal.
Thats the worst fuckin sweater
Ive ever seen. Its a Cosby sweater.
A Cosby sweater!
Did Laura let you leave the house
like that, because-
- Hey- - Hey! Hey!
- Fuckin asshole.
- What are you do-
- Shut up. Will you shut up?
- Uh... - Will you? - break it
up. - Youre a fuckin maniac.
I swear to God, if you tore this thing, its
vintage, and I would fuckin sock your nose.
Youll pay big.
Are you all right?
Yeah. Look, Dick, Laura and I
broke up. Shes gone.
So if you ever see Barry again,
maybe you could tell him that.
Of course I will, Rob.
No problem.
No problem at all.
Ill tell him next time I see him.
Definitely.
Ive, uh, got some other stuff
to tell him, anyway, so its no problem.
Ill just tell him,
you know, about Laura...
um, when I tell him...
the other stuff.
Do you want to talk about it,
that kind of thing?
No. Thank you, though, Dick.
Thank you.
Look at these. I used to dream Id be surrounded
by exotic womens underwear forever and ever.
Now I know they just save their best pairs for the
nights they know theyre gonna sleep with somebody.
Hello, Laura, this is your mother. Your
fathers angina is a little rough today.
I thought he might like to talk to you.
Its no big deal.
I love you two. Bye-bye.
Anyway, me and Charlie,
we didnt match.
Marco and Charlie matched.
Me and Sarah, number four
on the all-time list? We matched.
Shed just been dumped
by some asshole named Michael.
I mean, Michael
was such an asshole.
Id just been run over by Charlie.
I know exactly what you mean.
I mean, its just
so painful and draining.
I'm just gonna be by myself
for a while.
Me too. Me too.
It made sense to pool our collective
loathing for the opposite sex.
And while we were at it we could share
a bed with somebody at the same time.
We were frightened of being left alone
for the rest of our lives.
Only people of a certain disposition are frightened
of being left alone for the rest of their lives at 26.
We were of that disposition.
- So when she told me-
- Ive met someone else.
Who?
Just someone else.
It was contrary to the whole spirit
of our arrangement.
I dont have to take this shit.
You think I fuckin look like shit, huh?
So how come I got dumped?
What?
- Hey, Dick. Come on in. What is it?
- Oh, um, well, were going to Lounge Axe...
and, um, I was just wondering
if you wanted to come along with us.
Whoa.
Um, Marie De Salles playing.
You remember I told you
about her today? I like her.
Shes kind of Sheryl Crow-ish, crossed with a, um,
post-Partridge Family, pre-L.A. Law Susan Dey kind of thing.
- But, you know, um, black.
- Yeah.
So, um, I just wanted to know
if you wanted to come along.
Barry thought so too, really,
but I guess it looks as if youre...
- reorganizing your records.
- Reorganizing my records. Yeah.
Um, what is this, uh, chronological?
No.
- Not alphabetical.
- Nope.
What?
Autobiographical.
- No fucking way.
- Yep.
I can tell you how I got from Deep
Purple to Howling Wolf in just 25 moves.
- Oh, my God.
- And, if I want to find the song "Landslide," by Fleetwood Mac...
I have to remember that I bought it
for someone in the fall of 1983 pile...
but didnt give it to them
for personal reasons.
- That sounds-
- Comforting?
- Yes.
- It is.
- Hello?
- Well, shoo.
I can stick around, you know, man,
if you- I- if you want me to help out.
But you really shouldnt, uh, keepem piled
like this, because it gets really pressured.
- Hold on. - You know? -
See you tomorrow. - Oh. Okay.
- Okay.
- Ill see you.
- Hi, Mom.
- Hows the store?
You know something? Youre very lucky
that Laura is doing as well as shes doing.
Because if it wasnt for her, I dont
think either of us would ever sleep.
She left. Shes gone.
What? What do you mean?
- Where did she go?
- How would I know where?
Shes gone. Girlfriend leave.
Not say where gone. Laura move out.
- Well, call her mother.
- She just called.
She doesnt even know. Probably
the last time Ill ever hear her voice.
- I'm all right, if thats whats upsetting you.
- That is not whats upsetting me.
- Well, it fuckin should be, shouldnt it?
- I knew this would happen.
- What are you gonna do, Rob?
- I'm gonna drink a bottle of wine, I'm gonna watch TV and go to bed.
- Then I'm gonna go to work.
- And then what?
I'm gonna meet a nice girl
and have children.
I promise the next time we talk,
Ill have it all figured out. Okay?
- I knew- I knew it was gonna happen again.
- What are you getting so upset about?
- Do you know why she left?
- Its got nothing to do with marriage.
- So you say!
- Mom, I'm telling you for the last time.
Laura didnt even want to get married.
Shes not that kind of girl.
- Thats not what happens now. Okay?
- Oh, I dont know what happens now.
Apart from you meet someone,
you move in, she goes!
You meet someone,
you move in, she goes!
Shut up, Mom! God dam!
Thats some cold shit.
John Dillinger was shot dead behind
that theatre in a hail of FBl gunfire.
You know who tippedem off?
His fuckin girlfriend.
He just wanted to go to the movies.
Is that Peter fucking Frampton?
I wish I could buy words
Out of season
So dont
Dont hesitate
Cause our love
Just wont wait
Ooh, baby, I love your way
- Rob. - Wanna tell
you I love - What?
- Yeah. Hey.
- Your way
- I always hated that
song. - Yeah. - Yeah.
- Now I kinda like it. - Wanna be
with you night and day - Yeah. - Yeah.
Yeah.
Cause I
She shouldve done it on
The Number Four with a Smile.
Wasnt her record called
Number Four with a Smile?
- Thats what I said.
- No, no. You said "The Number Four with a Smile. "
Theres no "The" at the front
of the title of the album.
Its a reference to
a Chinese meal in Toronto...
uh, so I think that there is "The,"
but I could be wrong.
- You can be, and are, wrong.
- Wanna tell you I love your way
I wanna be with you
night and day
I wanna date a musician.
- Cause I
- I wanna live with a musician.
- Feel that you
- Shed write songs at home and ask me what I thought of em...
and maybe even include one of our
private little jokes in the liner notes.
Maybe a little picture of me
in the liner notes.
Just in the background somewhere.
- Dont hesitate
- Yeah.
- So, um, do you live in Chicago now?
- I do.
Do you love it?
You should come to our record store.
- Championship Vinyl.
- Oh, my God, yes. Oh, youd love it.
- We sell a little bit of anything that matters.
- He owns it. Its on Milwaukee.
- Rock, soul, trip-hop, salsa.
- Ska, techno and pop.
- Will you come? - Yeah, Marie.
- Okay, okay. - Sounds good.
- Championship Vinyl. - Championship
Vinyl. - Enjoyed your set.
Thank you.
- Barry, whyd you tell her about the store, man?
- Oh, man, I'm sorry.
I didnt know
it was classified information.
I mean, I know we dont have any customers,
but I thought that was a bad thing...
not, like, a business strategy.
Rob? Its Liz.
Just calling to see if,
you know, well, youre okay.
Look, I'm your friend too,
so I'm not taking sides. Yet.
- Shadows grow so long before my eyes
- Give me a call. Okay? Bye.
- Hi.
- What are you doing here?
- Took the morning off.
- Come on, Rob.
Do you still love me?
Well, its not really the issue,
is it?
Why? I mean, what else is there?
What do you mean? What else is there?
I dont know. It doesnt change
the way we dont get along at all.
In fact, I hope were not
in love any more, to be honest.
- It would give me a better opinion of love right now.
- Come on!
What, did I beat you? Did I tell you
were a bad person? I mean, what the fuck?
- What should I have done to make you happy?
- Nothing. Make yourself happy.
Oh, I see.
Um, wh-why am I not happy?
Because youre the same person
you used to be...
and I'm not.
- And all Ive done is change jobs.
- Clothes and hairstyles.
- Attitudes and friends.
- I couldnt go to work with my hair dyed pink.
- Youre harder.
- You havent changed so much as a pair of socks since Ive known you.
- Oh, come on, Laura. Now youre just being stupid.
- At least you used to talk about the future.
Now you dont even do that.
- Look, I'm all right. Youre the one that hates her job.
- See? You havent got a clue.
I like my job.
All I'm saying is, you have to allow
for things to happen to people...
most of all to yourself.
And you dont, Rob.
So whats the use?
Rob, its your turn.
Okay, I'm feeling kinda basic today.
Top Five Side Ones, Track Ones.
"Janie Jones," The Clash,
from The Clash.
"Lets Get It On," Marvin Gaye,
from Lets Get It On. "
Nirvana, "Smells Like Teen Spirit,"
off of Never mind.
Oh, no, Rob, thats not obvious enough.
Not at all.
How about, uh, "Point of No Return"
on Point of No Return?
- Louis, you couldnt get up-
- Shut up. Shut up.
- "White Light/White Heat," Velvet Underground.
- Okay, that would be on my list.
- Though not on mine.
- And Massive Attack, No Protection.
- The song is "Radiation Ruling the Nation. "
- Ohh!
- Kind of a new record. Very- - Excuse me. I was
in here last night- - In a minute. Very nice, Rob.
A sly declaration of new classic status
slipped into a list of old safe ones.
Very pussy.
- Excuse me, I was in here last-
- In a minute.
Couldnt you be any more obvious than that,
Rob? How about, uh, I dont know, the Beatles?
How about fucking
- fucking Beethoven? Track one, side one of the Fifth Symphony.
How can someone who has no interest
in music own a record store?
Do you still have that, uh, Beefheart
French import, Safe as Milk?
Um, lets see.
Ah, yes, here it is.
Yes.
- How much you want for it?
- Uh-
Yes- Oh, no.
You know what?
- I dont think I'm selling it this week. Maybe next week.
- Oh, no. You said that last week.
Did I? Yeah, well,
I just- I- Uh-
Nicely played.
You know, I dont have that record.
Ill buy it for 40.
- Rob?
- Sold.
- Now, why would you sell it to me and not to him?
- Because youre not a geek, Louis.
- You guys are snobs. - No, were not.
- No, seriously, youre totally elitist.
You feel like the unappreciated scholars, so
you shit on the people who know less than you.
- No. - Which is
everybody. - Yes.
Its just sad, thats all.
I'm sick of the sight of this place.
Some days I'm afraid
Ill go berserk...
throw the country "A" through "K" rack
out on the street...
and go work at a Virgin Megastore
and never come back.
- Hello. - Hey,
Liz. - Hey, Rob.
You know, just wanted to call and thank
you for that message you sent me last night.
It really made me feel
like less of an asshole.
Oh. Well, how are you holding up?
Good. Good. I mean, look, maybe were
just not right for each other, right?
- I mean, or maybe we are.
- Mmm. Yeah.
Time will tell at this point, and if its
time to move on, its time to move on.
I dont know. I-
I dont want to take sides and-
And I like you with Laura.
I think you guys are good together.
And I dont think much
of this Ian guy.
Rob, Marie De Salle
is in the store.
I gotta go, Liz.
- We should maybe turn off her music.
- I know.
Hey. I like the music.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean,
I can go turn it off if you want.
You might be sick of it.
- You should turn it up.
- Oh, right, yeah. - Yeah.
Okay, let me go do that after I go
do something else that I have to go do.
- All righty. Hmm.
- Yeah, I got the, uh- Excuse me. Okay?
What fucking Ian guy?
Laura doesnt know anybody called Ian.
Theres no Ian in her office.
She has no friends called Ian!
I'm almost certain she has never met
anyone named Ian in her entire life.
She lives in an...
"Ian-less" universe.
"I. Raymond. "
Ray. "I."
Ian.
Mr. I. Raymond. Ray to his friends,
and more importantly to his neighbor.
The guy who, until about six weeks ago,
lived upstairs.
I start to remember things
about him now.
His horrible clothes and hair.
His music: Latin, Bulgarian, whatever
world music was trendy that week.
He had rings on his fingers.
Awful cooking smells.
I never liked him much then,
and I fuckin hate him now.
We used to listen to him
having sex upstairs.
Jeez, he goes on long enough.
Mm-hmm.
I should be so lucky.
It feels so good
You are as abandoned and noisy
as any character in a porn film, Laura.
You are Ians plaything, responding to
his touch with shrieks of orgasmic delight.
No woman in the history of the world is having
better sex than the sex you are having with Ian...
in my head.
Oh, baby, give it up
Aint no use
Number five: Jackie Alden.
Jackie Aldens breakup had no effect
on my life whatsoever.
It was a casual thing,
and I was glad when it ended.
I just slotted her in
to bump Laura out of position.
But now, congratulations, Laura.
You made it to the top five.
Number five with a bullet.
Welcome.
Wont somebody please
Help me with my misery
- Cant somebody see
- Hey.
Do you have soul?
What this one loves done to me
That all depends.
- Now I know, I know
- Back row, right next to the blues.
Championship Vinyl.
Yeah. Yeah, I'm interested.
Sure.
Whats your address?
- Hey, Liz.
- Hey, Rob.
You fucking asshole!
Hi, Barry.
Soarin and borin
I feel I'm ignorin
My time in the world
Have you heard
For a couple of years
I was a deejay at a club.
I was good at it, I think...
and while I was doing it
is the happiest Ive ever been.
And thats where I met Laura.
She was already a lawyer,
but she worked for Legal Aid...
hence the leatherjacket
and the clubbing.
Oh, I liked her right away.
- Hey!
- Hey!
- Thats a kick-ass record.
- What?
- Thats a kick-ass record.
- Yeah. I know.
- Um, whats your name?
- Laura.
Hey. I was gonna say, come back
next week and Ill make you a tape.
- All right. Thank
you. - Okay? - Great.
- Rob.
- I'm still Laura.
To be honest, I hadnt met anyone as
promising as Laura since I started deejaying...
and meeting promising women is kind of what
the deejaying thing is supposed to be about.
And anyway, we-
we moved on from there.
She lost her lease on her apartment
in Lakeview, and she moved in with me.
And it stayed that way for years.
She didnt make me miserable,
or anxious...
or ill-at-ease.
And you know, it sounds boring,
but it wasnt.
It wasnt spectacular, either.
It was just...
good.
But really good.
So, how come
I'm suddenly an asshole?
I get the feeling
that Liz talked to Laura...
and Liz stuck up for me...
and Laura told her a few things.
I dont know what precisely Laura said,
but she would have revealed at least two,
maybe even all four
of the following pieces of information.
One: that I slept with someone else...
- He slept with somebody else.
- What?
while she, Laura, was pregnant.
- While I was pregnant.
- No!
Two:
that my affair
directly contributed-
Pretty much directly to me
terminating the pregnancy.
- No.
- Three:
that after the abortion, I borrowed
a large sum of money from her...
- Four grand or so.
- and have not, as of yet, repaid any of it.
The bastard!
Four:
that shortly before she left me...
I told her that I was kind of
unhappy in the relationship...
and maybe sort of looking around
for someone else.
He was "sort of, maybe"
looking around for somebody else.
- Did I do and say those things?
- Yes.
- No!
- Yes, I did.
I am a fuckin asshole.
- Thats it.
- Liz- No. Sit down.
Sit down.
Thats shocking.
That is shocking.
First of all, the money.
Laura had it and I didnt.
And she wanted to give it to me.
Ive never been able to pay her back
because Ive never been able to.
Just because she moved in
with some Supertramp fan...
it doesnt make me
five grand richer.
And number two, this stuff about me
half-looking around for someone else?
She tricked me into saying it.
We were having this State-of-the-Union
type conversation...
and she said, quite matter of factly,
that we were pretty unhappy at the moment.
And did I agree?
And I said yes.
And she asked me whether I ever
thought about meeting other people.
So then I asked her if she ever
thought about meeting someone else.
She says, "Of course. " So I admit that,
yes, I daydream about it from time to time.
Now I can see what we were really
talking about is her and Ian...
and she suckered me
into absolving her.
It was a sneaky lawyers trick
and I fell for it...
because shes much smarter
than me.
All right, then the pregnancy.
I didnt know she was pregnant.
Of course I didnt.
I didnt know
because she hadnt told me.
She hadnt told me because I had told her that I had sor
- Yes, Id slept with someone else.
So I didnt find out she was pregnant
till way later.
We were going through this good period and
I made some crack about having kids and-
- What?
- and she just burst into tears.
And I said, "Well, what is it,"
you know. "What-"
And I made her tell me,
and she did...
and I went into this brief and ill-advised
bout of self-righteousness, you know-
What right do you have? My child too-
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
That pretty much
brings us up to date.
Who needs a drink?
Who loves the sun
Who cares that it makes
plants grow
Whats wrong with me?
Seriously.
What happened?
Why am I doomed to be left?
Doomed to be rejected?
I need answers.
Number one.
To Alison Ashmore.
- Hello?
- This is, uh, Rob Gordon calling.
- Hi.
- I'm an old friend of Alisons and, um-
- What did you say your name was?
- Rob. Rob Gordon.
Um, I was actually her- her first
boyfriend in-in-in the seventh grade...
and I was just wondering if you had any
way of reaching her or her number or-
I hate to quibble with you, Rob,
but Alison married her first boyfriend.
Kevin Bannister.
He is her first and last boyfriend.
- You gotta be kidding me.
- Uh, no, I'm quite serious.
She is Mrs. Kevin Bannister.
She lives in Australia.
- We went out together in the seventh grade.
- I beg your pardon.
Well, technically,
I'm her first boyfriend, okay?
I met her a few days before Kevin did.
Technically, number one. Me.
- I dont know what you mean by "technically. "
- You know.
I'm number one. Me. Technically.
I see.
Well, maybe its my mistake.
Ive got to go now, Bob.
Okay, bye-bye.
Who loves the sun
Alison married Kevin!
I am fine now!
Married her junior high school
sweetheart.
Kissed me on the bench. Kissed Kevin
on the bench. Married Kevin.
This is great!
This has got nothing to do with me.
This is fate.
This is destiny.
It is beyond my control,
beyond my fault. I love this!
I want more. I want to see the others
on the big top five.
I wanna see Penny and Charlie and Sarah,
all of them, you know.
Just seeem and talk toem,
you know, like a Bruce Springsteen song.
You call, you askem how they are,
and you see if theyve forgiven you.
Yeah, and then-
and then Id feel good.
And theyd feel good.
No, theyd feel good maybe,
but youd feel better.
Id feel clean and calm.
Thats what youre looking for. You wanna get
ready to start again, thatd be good for you.
Great, even.
Youd give that big final "good luck and goodbye" to
your all-time top five and just move on down the road.
Good luck. Goodbye.
Thanks, Boss.
Penny is as beautiful as she was in high
school and really grown into herself.
She reviews movies for a living,
which is unassailably cool...
even if she does make these little notes
with this little flashlight pen.
We have a good time, and we hate the
same actors, and everythings going great.
She tells me about her life.
I tell her about mine.
We both get it.
We both relate.
And then, with no real explanation,
I just launch into it.
I tell her about how Laura
wanted to sleep with Ian and not me...
Charlie wanted to sleep with Marco
and not me...
Alison Ashmore wanted Kevin Bannister
and not me.
And you, you wanted to- you wanted
to have sex with Chris Thompson...
and not me.
And I was helping
- hoping you could help me understand why this keeps happening...
why, you know, I'm doomed to be left,
doomed to be rejected.
Do you understand?
Well, Rob, uh, I was crazy about you.
I wanted to sleep with you one day,
but not when I was 16.
You know, when you broke up with me-
you broke up with me
because I was, I was...
to use your charming expression,
tight...
I cried and I cried and I hated you...
and when that little shit bag asked me
out and I was too tired to fight him off...
it wasnt rape, because I said okay,
but it wasnt far off.
You know I couldnt have sex until after
college because I hated it so much?
Thats when youre supposed
to have sex, Rob- in college!
And now you want to have
a little chat about rejection.
Well, fuck you, Rob.
God, shes right.
I broke up with her.
I rejected her.
Thats another one I dont have to worry
about. I shouldve done this years ago.
Maam, could I get the cheque, please?
Next up, Charlie.
But I'm not quite ready for that...
so I go directly to number four
on the all-time breakup list.
Sarah, my partner in rejection
who rejected me.
- Hi, Rob.
- Hi.
Nice to see you.
- Hi. Okay, yeah.
- Nice to see you.
- Yeah. - You want me to
come- - You wanna- - Sure.
- You wanna- - Yeah. -
Yeah, lets go out a bit.
I cant believe I left you for him.
- Probably seemed like a good idea at the time, Sarah.
- Yeah, I dont know why, though.
- Are you seeing anybody?
- Um, no, yeah.
- No? - Yeah. I
mean, I'm not- - No.
I- I-I am. I'm in between things.
How are you doin?
- Me? I'm not good.
- Really? - No.
Oh, its so hard.
The medication I was on is not working.
So were trying something else, but its like, they
dont know about it, so I'm like a guinea pig, and-
But I'm making money. Thats good,
cause I lost my job a month ago.
- So its been, like, hand-to-mouth- - No, I
havent got the heart for the rejection conversation.
There are no hard feelings here, and I'm glad
she ditched me and not the other way around.
I'm late for work, and I-
Ill call you.
- Okay. - Nice to see you.
Bye. - Bye. See you later.
I couldve wound up
having sex back there.
And what better way to exorcise rejection demons
than to screw the person who rejected you, right?
But you wouldnt be sleeping
with a person.
Youd be sleeping with a whole,
sad single-person culture.
Itd be like sleeping with Talia Shire
in Rocky if you werent Rocky.
I feel guilty enough as it is.
Theres only Charlie left now.
Shes in the fuckin phone book.
She should be living on Neptune.
Shes an extraterrestrial.
A ghost, a myth,
not a person in a phone book.
- Hi, this is Charlie.
- Answering machine.
- Leave me a message- - Ill leave a nice,
polite message and shell never call back.
Oh, the Killing Moon EP, its almost
impossible to find, especially on CD.
Yet another cruel trick played on all the
dumb-asses who got rid of their turntables.
- But every other Echo and the Bunnymen
album- - Yeah, I have all the other ones.
Oh, you do? Well, how about
the Jesus and Mary Chain?
- Ah, they always seemed-
- They always seemed what?
They always seemed really great
is what they always seemed.
They picked up where your precious Echo left off, and
youre sittin around complainin about no more Echo albums.
I cant believe you dont own
this fucking record. Thats insane.
Jesus!
- Can I get two receipts with that?
- Well, the interesting thing about Green Day...
is that so much of their music is,
in truth...
directly influenced by,
in my opinion, uh, two bands-
- The Clash-
- The Clash.
Uh, correct, uh, the Clash.
Uh, but also by this band called,
uh, Stiff Little Fingers.
Um, I think you would really
love this band.
Uh, it sounds great.
- My names Anaugh.
- The name-
Um, my names Dick.
Is this the new Green Day?
You dont have it?
That is perverse.
Dont tell anybody
you dont own fucking Blonde on Blonde.
Its gonna be okay.
I will now sell five copies
of the three EPs by the Beta Band.
Do it.
If theres something inside
that you wanna say
Say it loud
Itll be okay
I will be all right
I will be all right
I will be all right
I will be all right
If theres something inside
that you wanna say
- You can say it loud, itll be okay
- Who is that?
- Its the Beta Band.
- Its good.
I know.
- Barry! The door!
- Fuck!
- Go! Go! Go!
- Go, go, go, go!
- Gotta go back!
- Hey!
Okay, fuckos, how much is this deck worth to you,
and how much did you steal? Can you do the math?
- Barry, call the cops.
- No! - Hold up, hold up.
Ryuichi Sakamoto, Sigue Sigue Sputnik,
Breakbeats, Serge Gainsbourg.
- What, are you guys stealing for other people?
- No, those are for us.
- You guys slamming to Joni Mitchell now?
- Man, youre, like, so bigoted.
- You look at us and think you know what we listen to.
- I think you have more.
Okay.
Hi.
- What do you want?
- I thought I could give you a ride back.
- Are you coming home?
- Yeah.
Well, Id like to come over
to your house to pick up some things.
My house.
Howd it go today?
All right.
- Do you want to go?
- Sure.
So, have you tackled
the great reorganization yet?
You bet. You can take this
with you if you want.
Look at this place.
Laura, its a dump.
What are you making now?
Sixty, seventy a year?
And you were living
in this shithole.
Bet you cant even remember
what you were doing here.
I was here because
I wanted to be with you.
It had nothing
to do with this place.
So, uh, where are you staying now?
I think you know that.
- I had to work that out for myself, though, didnt I?
- I'm sorry.
I know I havent been very fair.
Thats why I came
to the store tonight.
It took me a while
to work up the courage.
- You scared now?
- Yes, of course I am.
I feel terrible, Rob.
You know, this is really hard.
Good.
So how is everything
going with Ian?
Is it working out okay?
- Youre living with the guy.
- Dont.
I'm just asking you how its going.
Look, I'm not living
with the guy, okay?
I'm just staying with him for a few days
until I figure out what I'm doing.
I left because we werent exactly getting
along, and we werent talking about it.
I'm getting to a point where
I want to get my shit together...
and I cant really see that
ever happening with you.
And, yes, I sort of got
interested in someone else.
And that went further than it should
have, so it seemed like a good time to go.
But I have no idea what will happen
with Ian in the long run.
Probably nothing.
So, what?
You definitely havent
decided to dump me? Is that it?
Theres still a chance
we might get back together?
- I dont know.
- Well, if you dont know...
theres a chance, right?
I mean, it would be like if someone was
in the hospital and he was seriously ill...
and the doctor said, "I dont know if this
patient has a chance of survival or not. "
That doesnt mean that the patients definitely
gonna die now, does it? I mean, he might live.
- Even if its a remote possibility.
- I suppose so.
- So we have a chance of not-
- Shut up, Rob.
- I just want to know where I stand
here. What chance do we have? - What-
- I dont know what chance we have.
- If you could tell me roughly-
All right, we have a nine percent chance
of getting back together.
- Nine?
- Nine.
- Great.
- Look, I know I'm asking a lot...
but could you take off for a while
so I can get my stuff packed up?
No problem.
- You want me to leave my own house?
- Yes, please.
Laura, can I ask you one question?
Yes. One.
- Youre not gonna like it.
- Just ask it.
- Is it better?
- Is what better? Better than what?
Well, sex, I guess. Is it better?
- Is that really whats bothering you?
- Yes. Yes, of course.
Do you really think
it would make a difference either way?
- I dont know.
- Well, the answer is, I dont know either.
We havent done it yet.
- Never?
- I havent felt like it.
Not even before,
when he was living upstairs?
No. I was living
with you, remember?
Weve slept together,
but we havent made love.
Not yet.
- Ill tell you one thing.
- What?
Sleeping together is better.
Sleeping together is better?
But not the sex, because
you havent done it yet?
- Will you please just go?
- Yeah.
We are the champions
- My friends
- Yes!
- And well keep on fighting
- Putem up!
- Till the end
- I feel good. I feel great.
- We are the champions
- I feel like a new man.
- I feel so much better, in fact...
- We are the champions
- that I go straight out and sleep with Marie De Salle.
- No time for losers
Cause we are the champions
"How could this have happened?"
you ask.
"How does he-
How does he do it?"
How does a regular guy like me become the number
one lover man in his particular postal district?
Hes grumpy. Hes broke. He hangs out
with the musical moron twins...
and yet he gets to go to bed
with somebody like Marie De Salle.
Hey. Marie.
- Everything go all right?
- Yeah, yeah.
She just wanted to pick up some stuff,
you know. It was no big deal. It was just-
I hate that time,
picking-up-stuff time.
- You know that song I play, "Eartha Kitt Times Two"?
- Of course!
I wrote that about me and my ex
dividing our record collection.
Its a great, great song.
- A while back, Dick, Barry and I agreed...
- I wrote that just before I moved here.
that what really matters
is what you like...
not what you are like.
Books, records, films-
These things matter.
Call me shallow.
Its the fuckin truth.
And by this measure, I was having
one of the best dates of my life.
- You love that show?
- Yes!
Starring, um- Starring, um-
Who starred in The Prisoner?
- McGoohan. - Patrick
McGoohan. - Thats right!
And then we talk about our exes.
Shes dry and self-deprecating.
Great sense of humour about it, and I
can really see why her songs are so good.
- I guess shes happy with him.
- I dont speak about Laura with as much depth.
But it feels, even to me,
like I'm being intimate.
I express regret.
I say nice things about her...
and I hint at a deep ocean of melancholy
just below the surface...
which is all bullshit really.
Ive just invented a sketch
of a decent, sensitive guy...
because I'm in the position
to invent him.
And I guess all that charming,
nervous stuff seems to work somehow...
because we get
back to her house and...
Throw my suitcase out there too
it just happens.
- Throw my covers out the door
- And then we make love. Its great.
- I dont need them any more
- And thats it. I'm not gonna go into all that other stuff.
You know, the
who-did-what-to-whom stuff.
You know that song
"Behind Closed Doors" by Charlie Rich?
Its one of my favorite songs.
- I can say we had a good time. I can say that.
- Should I have left this town
Maries a terrific woman.
But it was more than I could do
And then in the morning-
You didnt have me fooled...
acting all cool
about, um, whats-her-name.
- Laura.
- Laura, right, right. Laura.
- What was yours called again?
- It was called James.
- James.
- James.
Do you miss him?
Yeah. Thats how it works, right?
I think its okay if you feel horny
and fucked up at the same time.
I mean, why should we be denied
our basic human rights...
just cause we messed up
our relationships?
You think sex
is a basic human right?
Hell, yeah! Yeah.
I'm not gonna let that asshole
come between me and a fuck.
- Which way are you going?
- That way. You?
- That way.
- Ah, so it is.
- Talk to ya.
- Ill call you.
Right.
What did Laura mean last night when she
said, "I havent slept with him yet"?
Yet! What does "yet" mean anyway?
It means youre gonna do it,
doesnt it? Or does it?
Just come on. What would it mean
to you, that sentence:
"I havent seen Evil Dead 2 yet"?
Well, to me it would mean that
youre a liar. Youve seen it twice.
Once with Laura- oops-
and once with me and Dick, remember?
We had that conversation about the guy making
Beretta shotgun ammo off-screen in the 14th century.
Right. All right, but lets
just say that I hadnt seen it...
and I said to you, "I havent seen Evil
Dead 2 yet," what would you think?
Id think that youre a cinematic idiot,
and Id feel sorry for you.
All right. But from that one sentence,
would you think that I was going to see it?
I'm sorry, Rob.
I'm struggling here.
Youre asking me
what would I think if you told me...
you hadnt seen a film
that you have already seen.
- What am I supposed to say?
- Just listen to me. If I said to you-
"I havent seen Evil Dead 2 yet," yes.
Would you get the impression
that I really wanted to see it?
Oh, uh, well...
you couldnt have been desperate to see
it, otherwise youd have already gone.
Right. I'm not gonna see that movie.
But the word "yet. "
Yeah, you know what?
I get the impression
that you wanted to see it...
otherwise youd have said
you didnt want to go.
But in your opinion,
would I definitely go?
How the fuck am I supposed
to know? Probably.
- Why?
- Because its a brilliant film.
Its so funny and violent,
and the soundtrack kicks fucking ass.
I never thought Id say this,
but can I go work now?
Look, Laura, if you dont want me to call
you at work, then give me your home number.
Oh, I forgot. You cant.
I'm not gonna get off this phone
until you agree to meet me for a drink.
I mean, I'm sorry, but I dont just see
why this has to be on your terms...
- all the time.
- Okay.
- I mean, really.
- Okay! Okay. Well meet then tonight.
Thatd- Thatd be great if youre
not too busy. Itll be really good to...
see you.
So how are you?
Have you slept with him yet?
- Is that why you wanted to see me?
- I guess.
What do you want me to say?
I want you to say you havent,
and I want that to be the truth.
I cant do that.
Say a word for Jimmy Brown
He aint got nothinat all
You must have known it would happen. You
couldnt have been entirely unprepared.
Like you said, Ive been living with the guy.
We were bound to get around to it sometime.
Rob, are you there?
What are you thinking?
We can meet for another drink
if you want.
So I can explain it better.
I owe you that much.
I dont have your number.
You know, I dont want this to be the last
conversation we have. I know what youre like.
You do, huh?
I need a second opinion.
Hi, this is Tim.
City and state, please.
Uh, Chicago. A residence.
Mr. Ian Raymond.
- Please hold for that number.
- May I also have that address?
- Certainly.
- Thank you.
- Rob?
- Laura, I just want to say something.
I think youre running.
Youre running from a, a sharp point...
that anybody hits in any relationship,
and its just gonna happen again.
But its gonna be with this guy
Ian, later, when youre older.
All right? With a guy
with a Steven Seagal ponytail.
You know what I'm saying?
And-And he doesnt love you.
And he doesnt understand you,
not the way I will.
And I will even more so
in the future. And-
I mean, if you want
to experiment or whatever-
I'm not experimenting.
Why dont you go experiment?
- Laura, are you okay?
- Uh, yeah, I'm fine.
- Is that him? - Look, can you- Can
you call me at work? I gotta go now.
- You look upset.
- Yeah, I'm- I'm upset...
but I'm fine.
- Maybe I should talk to him.
- No, I dont think thats a good idea.
- Conflict resolution is my job.
- Yeah, I know.
But- But, Ian, theres really
nothing to resolve, but thank you.
You have got to stop calling her.
Youre really upsetting her and him!
- Like I care about him.
- Well, you should.
- Why?
- Because all youre doing is forming a little unit. Them against you!
Before you started all this
psychotic madness, there was no unit.
There was just
three people in a mess.
But now theyve got
something in common.
And you dont want
to make anything worse.
How could it get any worse
than Laura with Ian?
- Come on, Liz.
- Rob, Rob, Rob.
Can I ask you a question? And you can
think about it if you want to.
Just what is it?
Why do you want Laura back
so badly?
Rob, phone.
I was walking on the water
when I saw a crocodile
Barry, that fucking pricers busted,
and I'm not the one who broke it.
- Hello.
- Rob?
Who is this?
Is this Ch- Is this Charlie?
Hi. I just got back into town.
Wow! Rob Gordon. The Rob Gordon.
So how are you doing? Huh?
Does it seem like millions of years ago?
Yeah, yeah.
Like a billion, right?
So, uh- God, Charlie Nicholson.
How are you?
I mean, do you have kids
and stuff like everybody else?
No. No, I'm too young,
too single. I dont know.
Kids are too time-consuming, I guess,
is the expression I'm looking for.
I'm not making this up. This is how
she talks- as if nobody ever had...
a conversation about having kids
in the entire history of the world.
Shes incredible.
So, anyway,
are you in or out, Rob?
- I'm sorry?
- Well, you know- I dont know.
I just find these long-lost
boyfriend calls a little unnerving.
- Theres been a rash of them recently.
- Is that right?
Yeah. Oh, remember Marco?
I went out with him after you.
- Kind of.
- Kind of, yeah.
Well, he called
a few months ago.
I think he was going through one of those
what-does-it-all-mean kind of things.
He wanted to see me
and "rehash the past, "as they say.
God. Was I up for that? No. No.
So- I dont know-
- Do all men go through that?
- Ive never heard of it before.
I'm sorry, Charlie, but what
does "Are you in or out" mean?
Well, it means,
are we friends or arent we?
Because if we are,
thats great. Thats great.
But if were not, I dont really want to
spend time playing catch-up on the phone.
You know what I mean?
Im just really busy, you know?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Sure, sure. Of course.
- So, are you in or out, Rob?
- I'm in. I'm in. I'm in.
Oh, yeah? Great. Do you want to come
for a dinner party tomorrow night?
Have you ever watched a moonbeam
Can I help you?
- As it slide across your windowpane
- Hello, Rob.
Remember me? Ray. Ian.
I thought maybe we should talk.
You know, sort things out.
- What needs sorting out?
- Ten phone calls a night.
Hanging around outside my house.
- Ive stopped all of that now.
- You were there this morning.
Obviously, I know how special
Laura is, and I know how...
much pain you must be
going through right now.
I would hate it if I lost her.
Oh. Guess who?
But Id like to believe
that if she decided...
that she didnt want
to see me any more that...
I would respect those wishes.
You know what I'm saying, G?
- Yeah.
- Good.
So shall we leave it
at that then?
Ive already left it,
you pathetic rebound fuck!
Now, get your patchouli stink
out of my store!
Move it, lard-ass!
Dumb motherfucker.
So, um, shall we
leave it at that then?
- Tsk. No.
- Dont! Dont!
- Hes not worth it!
- Leave town!
Leave the country!
You little bitch!
Cause youll look back at ten
phone calls a night as the golden age!
Get ready, motherfucker!
So shall we leave it
at that then?
Get him!
- Come on! Get him!
- Get him, man!
- Have you ever watched a moonbeam
- Well, think about it, Rob.
Okay?
As it slide across
your windowpane
Hey, jelly bean.
Charles.
- How are you?
- Good. How are you?
Actually, its hilarious.
Its hilarious.
Hey, everybody!
Everybody, this is Rob.
Rob, this is everybody.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Come on in. Make yourself at home. Is that for me?
- Yeah.
- Oh, its a little warm. Ill put it in the fridge.
- I think if you get a dog...
- youve got to raise it yourself.
- Your place doesnt have a yard, does it?
- You got to deal with a dog from day one.
- Of course you do.
- You gotta take care of
it, raise it- - Yeah, but-
- Do you want a drink?
- Yeah, I would.
I can see now
that I'm doomed to die...
a long, slow suffocating death,
and I try to figure out why.
Of course theres envy.
Why isnt my life like this?
Sure, I want their money and
clothes and jobs and opinions.
And Id like to have advice
on jet lag, but thats not it.
I mean, theyre not bad people, and I'm
not a class warrior. Its something else.
- I never did. I never did. And I was very
supportive- - And then it dawned on me.
- It came down to me to tell him the truth.
- Charlies awful.
What was the truth?
- She doesnt listen to anyone. She says
terrible, stupid things... - No. Well, I have-
- and she apparently has no sense of humour
at all... - Youre right. I have to talk-
and talks shit all night long.
- Come here, you. Oh, I love you. - Bye-bye.
- Maybe shes been like this all along.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Bye-bye.
- Call me tomorrow, okay?
- Thanks for having us.
Call me.
Promise to call me. Bye.
How did I manage
to edit all this out?
How had I made this girl
the answer to all the worlds problems?
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Rob.
So, Charlie, whyd you
dump me for Marco?
Fuck! I knew it! I knew it!
I knew it! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
- What?
- You are. You are going through...
one of those
what-does-it-all-mean things.
- I cant believe you, Rob.
- Yes, I am. Very much. Indeed so.
- Oh, God.
- Come on. Answer the question.
Oh, come on, Charlie.
Dont hold back.
You can say whatever you like.
Whyd you dump me for Marco?
Marco just seemed to be
a bit more glamorous.
You know?
More sure of himself.
Less hard work.
A little sunnier.
Sparkier.
Through the park
Make love along the way
- In Mendocino
- You put that ad up?
- Yeah.
- What can you play?
Nothin.
What kind of stuff are you into?
The kind of stuff you mentioned.
But we want to be
more experimental than that.
We want to retain our pop sensibilities, but,
kind of, you know, go a little further out.
- That sounds great.
- No gigs yet.
We just got together.
Is Tuesday night cool for you?
- Well just, you know...
- What I have told you
- jam. - Yeah.
- Can you dig it
All right.
Later.
- What?
- What do you mean, what?
Youve had that poster
up on the wall for, like, 17,000 years.
And then some guy comes in off the
street. You act like its no big deal.
Its just a garage band.
Its nothing special.
- Barry, you dont even play an instrument.
- I can sing.
What, you think I'm gonna stick
around here the rest of my life?
Hey, its half past
a monkeys ass. Lets go.
Oh, I cant, um, meet you guys
at the club tonight.
- Thats the way it is in Mendocino
- Why?
- Who are you going to
see? - Mendocino - Nobody.
- Rob! Lookie, lookie! Dick, are you getting some?
- Mendocino
Un-fucking-believable!
Dicks got a hot date!
How did this happen, Dick?
What rational explanation can there
possibly be? Whats her name?
- Anaugh.
- Anaugh? Anaugh Conda?
- Anaugh Moss.
- Anaugh Moss?
Is she all green
and fuzzy and mossy?
And you met this bruiser
where exactly?
The home for the mentally challenged
or the blind or the bus station?
Um, here. She asked me about
the, uh, new Green Day album...
- and then I told her-
- Oh, man! Finally! Anaugh.
Thats great, Dick!
Really, smoke that ass.
Listen, Rob, I cant
go to the club either.
I gotta get some lyrics
down on paper.
Oh, yeah, me too.
Well, not, uh, lyrics to get down.
But, um, uh-
So Ill see you, um, tomorrow.
- Hi, Laura.
- "Top five dream jobs. "
- Hey, thats private.
- "Number one:
"journalist for Rolling Stone
magazine, 1976 to 1979.
"Get to meet the Clash, Chrissie Hynde,
Sex Pistols, David Byrne.
"Get tons of free records.
Number two:
"producer, Atlantic Records,
Get to meet Aretha,
Wilson Pickett, Solomon Burke. "
- More free records.
- "More free records and a shitload of money. "
- Yeah.
- "Number three: any kind of musician. "
Besides classical or rap.
- "Settle for being one of the Memphis Horns or something. "
- Sure.
- "I'm not asking to be Jagger or
Hendrix or Otis Redding. " - Uh-huh.
- "Number four: film director. "
- Any kind except German or silent.
And number five,
we have "architect. "
- Yeah.
- Seven years training.
- I'm not sure I even want to be an architect.
- So youve got a list here...
of five things youd do
if qualifications...
and time and history
and salary were no object?
- Yeah.
- One of them you dont really want to do anyway.
Well, I did put it
at number five.
Wouldnt you rather own your
own record store than be an architect?
- Yeah, I suppose.
- And you wouldnt want to be a...
or the king of France or-
- God, no.
- All right. There you go then.
Dream job number five:
record store owner.
I find it interesting that you
keep showing up here, Laura.
Well, this is the last of it.
Those bags look heavy.
Wheres Ian?
Or Ray or-
What is his fucking name anyway?
- What do you call him? Ian or Ray?
- Ray.
- I hate Ian.
- I hate him too.
Yeah, I'm sure.
See ya.
Goodbye.
Top five things
I miss about Laura.
One: sense of humour. Very dry,
but it can also be warm and forgiving.
And shes got one of the best all-time
laughs in the history of all-time laughs.
She laughs with her entire body.
Two: Shes got character.
Or at least she had character
before the Ian nightmare.
Shes loyal and honest and...
she doesnt even take it out on people
when shes having a bad day.
Thats character.
Three:
I miss her smell...
and the way she tastes.
Its a mystery of human chemistry,
and I dont understand it.
Some people, as far as your senses
are concerned, just feel like home.
I really dig
how she walks around.
Its like she doesnt care how
she looks or what she projects.
And its not that she doesnt care,
its just- Shes not affected, I guess.
And that gives her grace.
And five: She does this thing in bed
when she cant get to sleep.
She kind of half-moans and then rubs her
feet together an equal number of times.
It just kills me.
Believe me, I mean, I could do a
top-five-things about her that drive me crazy...
but its just your garden variety
women, you know, schizo stuff...
and thats the kind of thinking
that got me here.
- Look out!
- Damn! You maggots!
Whoa, whoa! Toss it, man!
- Youre pretty when youre angry.
- Shit!
- Hey, Rob, Laura called.
- Really?
What you gonna do
The mans gone out to get you
How you gonna know
- What is this?
- Its Vince and Justin.
- Whos Vince and Justin?
- Its those little skate fuckers.
- No way.
- Way.
Its really-
Its really fuckin good.
Hey, do you guys know Vince and Justin,
the guys that come in my store?
- Yeah, theyre right over there,
man. - Thanks. - No problem.
- Quit smoking. I'm telling you should-
- Hey! Your tape.
- Its good. - I know. We made
it. - Its all right. Thank you.
I mean, its rough, but,
unbelievably, it shows promise.
Ill put out your record.
Any profits we split down the middle
after I recoup expenses, okay?
Recoup expenses? Man, youre gonna recoup
a big, fat Mercedes is what youre gonna do.
- Were not there yet, Justin.
- I'm Vince.
Whatever.
Whats the name of your band?
- Uh, the Kinky Wizards.
- Nice.
Whats the name of your label?
Top Five Records.
What was that? You just told them
youre gonna put out a record with them?
Yeah. So what? You said yourself those guys
were good. What are you getting hot about?
Well, it just seems that you think it
would be wiser to start a record label...
by putting out a record with
business-crippling Nazi youth shoplifters...
than with someone you know in your bitter,
jealous heart is a musical visionary, thats all.
Yeah, what do your songs sound like? Sex
Pistols? Nirvana? Pop Abrams and the Smurfs?
You know what? You wouldnt be familiar
with our immediate influences.
- Try me. - Theyre mostly German.
- Kraftwerk? Falco? Hasselhoff?
Hey. You called?
Fuckin asshole.
- Laura, are you all right?
- My dad-
My dad died.
- Whats up?
- Lauras dad died.
Oh, drag.
I'm sorry, Rob.
Hey, top five songs about death.
A Lauras dad tribute list.
Okay? Okay.
"Leader Of The Pack. "
The guy fuckin beefs it
on his motorcycle and dies, right?
"Dead Mans Curve. "
Jan and Dean.
Do you know that right after they recorded
that song, Jan himself, um, crashed his-
- It was Dean, you fuckin idiot.
- it was Jan.
- It was a long time after the song-
- Okay, whatever.
"Tell Laura I Love Her. "
That would bring the house down.
Lauras mom could sing it.
- You know what Id want?
- Huh?
"One Step Beyond" by Madness.
No, no, no, no, no.
Wh-When are you going home?
In a minute,
when I get it together.
And, uh, "You Cant
Always Get What You Want. "
No, immediate disqualification because
of its involvement with The Big Chill.
Oh, God, youre right.
Um, Mom wants you
to come to the funeral.
- Oh. Me?
- Yeah, cause my dad really liked you, and...
Mom never told him wed split,
because he wasnt up to it.
"Wreck Of The Edmund Fitzgerald. "
Uh, Gordon Lightfoot.
Bastard. Thats so good.
That should have been mine.
Do you, uh-
Do you want me there?
I dont care, as long as you dont
expect me to hold your hand.
- Is Ray going?
- No!
The night Lauras daddy died
Sha-na-na, na-na-na
na-na-na-na-na
Brother, what a night
it really was
Mother, what a night it really-
Anginas tough
Glory be
Brother, what a night
it really was
Brother, what a night
Anginas tough-
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be Thy name.
Thy kingdom come,
Thy will be done...
- on Earth as it is in heaven.
- Songs at my funeral:
- Bless this day-
- "Many Rivers To Cross" by Jimmy Cliff.
"Angel" by Aretha Franklin...
and Ive always had this fantasy that some
beautiful, tearful woman will insist on...
"Youre The Best Thing That Ever
Happened To Me" by Gladys Knight.
- But who would that woman be?
- Amen.
- Hey, Jo. -
Hi, Liz. - Hey.
- How are you doing?
- I'm all right, I suppose.
Moms not too bad.
But Laura- I dont know.
Yeah, well, shes had a rough time
of it already without this.
Its just so hard when you put all of
your efforts into one area of your life...
and it doesnt work out.
Dont mind me. Really. Its no problem. Just pretend
like youre talking about someone else. Its okay.
Well, in fact, we are talking about
someone else. Were talking about Laura.
- Oh.
- Oh?
Dont fuckin say "oh"
like that to me, Liz.
I'm really sorry, Jo. Look,
I can either stick up for myself...
or I can believe everything you say
about me and end up hating myself.
But thats not
much of a life, is it? Huh?
- I mean- - Do you think this is
really the time to be talking about-
Just because its never the time, Liz?
I cant go on apologizing my whole life.
I think just the once would do!
- I'm very sorry, Laura.
- Thanks for coming.
I'm so sorry, Laura.
Thank you. I appreciate that.
Laura, I'm sorry.
Most of the time
I'm clear-focused allaround
Most of the time
I can keep both feet on the ground
I can follow the path
I can read the sign
Stay right with it
when the road unwinds
I can handle whatever
I stumble upon
I dont even notice shes gone
- I can see now I never really committed to Laura.
- Most of the time
I always had one foot
out the door...
and that prevented me
from doing a lot of things...
like thinking
about my future and-
- I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing.
- Most of the time
- Keep my options open.
- Its well understood
- And thats suicide.
- Most of the time
- By tiny, tiny increments.
- I wouldnt change it if I could
I can make it all match up
I can hold my own
I can deal with the situation
Right down to the bone
I can survive
and I can endure
Hell, I dont even think
About her
Most of the time
Are you gonna lie
in that flower bed all night?
No.
- Youre soaking.
- Yeah.
Youre also an idiot.
- Look, Laura, I'm really sorry.
- Thank you. I appreciate it.
Why dont you just get back, and
I'm just gonna wait here for the bus.
No, I dont want to be there. When I saw
you leave, I used it as an excuse to get out.
- Is there anything I can do?
- Come on.
- Where?
- Ill show you. Lets go.
Right.
Dad used to bring us here
when we were kids.
Listen, Rob, would you
have sex with me?
Cause I want to feel
something else than this.
Its either that, or I go home
and put my hand in the fire.
Unless you want to stub
cigarettes out on my arm.
No. I only have a few left.
Ive been saving them for later.
Right. Itll have to be sex then.
Right. Right.
I knew there was a reason
I wore a skirt today.
- Just stay there.
- Okay.
- Hi.
- Hi.
It doesnt seem so long ago
that I looked at you from here.
Hey, go be with your mom.
I'm too tired.
I'm too tired
not to be with you.
Well, so if you had a bit more energy,
wed stay split up?
But things being as they are, with you being
wiped out and all, you wanna get back together?
- Is that it?
- Yeah.
What about Ian?
Well, Rays a disaster.
Look...
I, I know its not
very romantic, Rob.
But there will be romance again
at some stage, I'm sure. I-
- I just-
- So thats it?
Well, youve made it clear
you want me back, so-
Look, um, we can talk about it
later if-if you want to.
Right now, I- I just-
Right now, I just
want to go home with you.
Okay.
So, yeah.
And so we got back together,
and it was great.
She moved all her stuff back in,
all at once.
- So when exactly did you decide to get back with me exactly?
- I'm not telling you.
- See, thats not- not a nice way to play
at all. Thats not- - The better you look
- We went out to dinner every night.
- The more I want you
What else?
- When you turn on your smile
- We stayed in and made love all the time.
- I feel my heart go wild
- We talked about the future.
- important stuff. issues.
- I'm like a child with
- A brand new toy
- How can you like Art Garfunkel and Marvin Gaye?
Thats like saying you support
the Israelis and the Palestinians.
No, its not like saying
that at all actually, Rob.
Marvin Gaye and Art Garfunkel
make pop records.
Made. Made. Marvin Gayes dead.
His father shot him.
You could say it was everything
I ever wanted really.
- Marvin Gaye!
- I know.
"Lets Get It On. "
Thats our song!
Marvin Gaye is responsible
for our entire relationship.
Oh, is that so?
Id like a word with him then.
It was everything
I ever wanted...
except for some
fuckin reason...
this-
Excuse me.
Is this Stereolab?
Yeah. Yeah, it is.
I havent heard this one.
Its really good.
Yeah, I know.
- Are you Bob?
- Rob.
Oh, right. Yeah, Rob.
You used to deejay.
I used to go to the Doubledoor
to hear you spin.
You were unbelievable.
- Really?
- I'm Caroline.
Hi.
- What do you do?
- I work for the Reader. I write a music column.
Youre Caroline Fortis?
I read your column.
- Its great. You really know what youre talking about.
- Thanks.
- Rob, phone.
- Can you take a message?
Its your girlfriend.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Hey, what the fuck is this?
- Talk to your woman.
- It was her idea.
Crumbsbusted
Pass the popcorn as I kick-
Laura!
"Dance music for old people"?
Its an idea I had
when I was with, um, Ian...
and I thought it was such a good one that I
was really annoyed we werent together any more.
- It may be why I came back.
- A record release party?
What if I was doing something
that cant be cancelled?
- Rob, what are you ever doing that cant be cancelled?
- Thats not the point!
- The single cannot be done in time. I mean, theres a million things!
- Itll be done.
Oh, guess what.
Barry said his band will play a set.
Barry is playing at this thing?
Fucking, what are you-
Are you insane?
- Barry, Ill give- Ill give you ten
percent of the door if you dont play. - No!
Rob, were getting that anyway.
- Twenty. Twenty percent.
- No! Come on, Rob. We need the gig.
A hundred and ten percent. Thats how
much it means to me not to hear you play.
- Rob, were called Sonic Death Monkey.
- Sonic Death Monkey?
Yeah. And if Laura and her bourgeois
lawyer friends cant handle it, fuck them.
Letem riot.
Were Sonic fucking Death Monkey.
Let me get this straight.
We made the CD with you.
Now your friends and your girlfriend are throwing
some kind of celebration party or something...
and youre asking us
not to come to the party?
Exactly.
I dont know, dude.
That just seems kind of stupid.
Its just the whole thing
is just blown way out of proportion.
Its just a three-song CD.
Its a single.
Its just-
Its not a big deal.
Its just that
youre making something.
You, the critic,
the professional appreciator...
put something new into the world...
and the second one of those things gets sold
to someone, youre officially a part of it.
Congratulations, Rob.
You know, I guess I think Ive
always been a professional critic...
you know, or some sort of
professional appreciator or something.
And I just wanted to,
you know, do something new...
put something new
out into the world...
you know, kind of really
put my money where my mouth is.
Yeah. Wow. I would- You know,
I would love to hear them.
- Why dont I send it over to you when its, uh, done?
- Really?
- I will look forward to that.
- I will look forward to sending it.
- You know, we should get back to the interview.
- Sure, yeah.
Okay. What are your all-time
top five favorite records?
In a club or at home?
Listen. Ill tell you what.
Why dont I just make you a tape?
Now, the making of a good compilation
tape is a very subtle art.
Many dos and donts.
First of all, youre using someone
elses poetry to express how you feel.
This is a delicate thing.
So, for this one, I'm thinking-
I'm thinking-
When is this gonna stop?
Whens what gonna stop?
Uh, nothin.
Whos the tape for?
Just some girl who interviewed me
for the Reader.
So what am I gonna do now?
Just keep jumping from rock to rock...
for the rest of my life
until there arent any rocks left?
Should I bolt every time I get that
feeling in my gut when I meet someone new?
Ive been thinking with my gut
since I was 14 years old...
and, frankly speaking, Ive come to the
conclusion that my guts have shit for brains.
Hi. A drinking lunch
on a school day.
Thats a nice surprise.
- Are you nervous about tomorrow night?
- Not really, no.
Well, um, are you gonna talk to me,
or shall I get my paper out?
- No, no, I'm gonna talk to you.
- Great. What are you gonna talk to me about?
Um, Im gonna talk to you
about whether or not...
you want to get married to me.
- Im serious.
- Yes, I know.
Well, thanks a fucking bunch.
Im sorry, but two days ago
you were making tapes...
- for that girl from The Reader.
- Yeah.
Well, forgive me if I dont think
of you as the worlds safest bet.
Would you marry me if I was?
- What brought all this on?
- I dont know.
- Im just sick of thinking about it all the time.
- About what?
This stuff. Love and settling down
and marriage, you know?
I want to think
about something else.
I changed my mind.
Thats the most romantic thing
Ive ever heard.
- I do. I will.
- Just shut up, please.
Im trying to explain, okay?
That other girl,
or other women, whatever-
I mean, I was thinking
that theyre just fantasies.
You know? And they always
seem really great...
because theres
never any problems.
And if there are,
theyre cute problems like...
you know, we bought each other
the same Christmas present...
or she wants to go see a movie
that Ive already seen, you know?
And then I come home, and
you and I have real problems...
and you dont even want to see
the movie I want to see, period.
- Theres no lingerie and-
- I have lingerie.
Yes, you do. You have great lingerie,
but you also have the cotton underwear...
thats been washed a thousand times,
and its hanging on the thing and-
A
- And they have it too. Its just I dont have to see it because its not in the fantasy.
Do you understand?
I'm tired of the fantasy...
because it doesnt
really exist.
And there are never really
any surprises, and it never really-
- Delivers?
- Delivers.
Right. And I'm tired of it.
And Im tired of everything else,
for that matter.
But I dont ever seem
to get tired of you.
So-
I think I know what you mean.
But were you really
expecting me to say yes?
I dont know.
I didnt think about it really.
I thought asking
was the important part.
Well, youve asked. Thank you.
- All right!
- Uh, thanks for coming out here tonight.
That was just a little bit
of "I Sold My Moms Wheelchair... "
the title track
from the album of same name...
the record were having
this record release party for.
The two burgeoning criminals behind
this opus are standing by the bar.
Theyre underage, and
well lose our liquor license-
But well get to them in a moment.
First, I have to introduce a band,
so please dont leave...
until after they finish
and we play the record.
Right now, its my
great, great pleasure...
to introduce Sonic Death Monkey.
Im an idiot. I shouldve
played the whole album first.
- These people are gonna burn the place down.
- No, no, its gonna be fine.
Its gonna be fine.
These people are ready for anything.
- Its gonna be fine. Watch.
- Thank you.
Youre too kind. Rob, thank you
for the enthusiastic intro...
but were no longer
called Sonic Death Monkey.
Uh, were on the verge of being
called, uh, Kathleen Turner Overdrive.
However, this evening
we will be Barry Jive...
and the Uptown Five.
I been really tryin, baby
To hold on to this feeling
For so long
And if you feel
Like I feel, sugar, come on
Ohhh, come on, oooh
Lets get it on
Lets get it on
Lets love, sugar
Lets get it on
Sugar
Lets get it on
Whoo-ooh-ooh
We are all sensitive people
With so much to give
Understanding, sugar
Since we got to be
Lets live
I love you
Theres nothin wrong
With me loving you
And giving yourself to me
Could never be wrong
If the love is true, oh, baby
Dont you know
how sweet and wonderful
- Life can be
- The making of a great compilation tape...
like breaking up, is hard to do and
takes ages longer than it might seem.
You gotta kick it off with
a killer to grab attention.
Then you gotta take it up a notch,
but you dont want to blow your wad.
So then you gotta cool it off a notch.
There are a lot of rules.
Anyway, Ive started
to make a tape...
- Heres the songs that meet our ears
- in my head for Laura.
- And sights our eyes behold
- Full of stuff shed like.
Full of stuff thatd make her happy.
Well open up our merging hearts
- For the first time, I can sort of see how thats done.
- And see our empty souls
I believe when I fall in love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fall in love
This time it will be forever
Without despair
We will share
And the joys of caring
Will not be replaced
What has been
Must never end
And with the strength we have
Wont be erased
When the truth of love
are planned and firm
They wont be hard to find
And the words of love I speak to you
Will echo in my mind
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever, ever
Ever, ever, ever, ever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever, ever, ever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever, ever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
I believe when I fallin love with you
It will be forever
- God answered
- I believe when I fallin love
- My prayer
- With you it will be forever
- God answered my prayer
- I believe when I fall in love with you
- It will be forever
- Oh, baby
Well, I just got out my little red book
The minute that you said goodbye
I thumbed right through
my little red book
I wasnt gonna sit and cry
And I went from A to Z
I took out every pretty girl in town
They danced with me and as I held them
All I did was talk about you
Hear your name and Id start to cry
Theres just no getting over you
Oh, no
There aint no girl
in my little red book
Who could ever replace your charms
And each girl in my little red book
Knows youre the one Im thinking of
Oh, wont you please come back
Without your precious love I cant go on
Where can love be, I need you so much
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and Id start to cry
Theres just no getting over you
Oh, no
Oh, wont you please come back
Without your precious love I cant go on
Its haunting me, I need you so much
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and Id start to cry
Theres just no getting over you
All I did was talk, talk about you
Hear your name and, oh, Id start to cry
Theres just no getting over you
Oh, no