Mr. Brogan...
I assume you've called in regard
to the mortgage payment...
on Castle Plunkett,
unfortunately still delayed...
by what seems to be
our endless postal strike.
Dear sir, I must
once again remind you...
my first name is not "Dick,"
nor is my last name "Face."
It is simply Peter.
Peter Plunkett.
No, I was not given
a middle name...
but had I been,
I feel certain...
my mother
would not have chosen...
"Low-life Shit-for-brains
Peckerhead."
You obviously know
a side of Mother...
I have been happily
sheltered from.
Nevertheless, I marvel
at your colorfully creative...
ever-so-American
colloquialisms...
which flow so grippingly
from your razorlike tongue.
The hotel is in
tiptop condition...
the renovations
are proceeding at a...
What? Why shouldn't I bother?
Peter, who are you calling?
Oh, Mother! Will you please
get off the line?
Turning the castle
into a theme park?
"Irish World"?
Gee, what an interesting notion.
In where? In Malibu?
What is Malibu?
I see. You want to move
the castle to Malibu...
which, I am to presume,
lies on the western corner...
of those United States.
Mr. Brogan, if I cannot
send your payment...
how on earth do you expect...
to transport an entire castle
across the sea?
The number of stamps alone
is mind-boggling!
But I can assure you,
Mr. Brogan...
that if it goes on
much longer...
I will take this check
which I am holding in my hand...
and personally ferry it
across the water to England...
and mail it to you myself.
That's how much I care.
What postal strike?
Shut up, Mother!
I don't think
that kind of language...
is necessary, Mr. Brogan.
Understandable, but...
So, what you're saying...
is that if I don't come up with
the money in three weeks...
you will foreclose
and take over Castle Plunkett.
I see.
Have you heard of the quality
of mercy, Mr. Brogan?
You haven't read
your Shakespeare, Mr. Brogan.
Good-bye.
There you are!
Taking the easy way out.
You naughty boy!
Mother, this is not easy.
It is very, very difficult.
Just because you haven't got
a guest in the place...
you're in hock
to that fellow Brogan.
Your father's so worried,
he's tearing his hair out!
Mother, father has been dead
for a decade.
And what about
your grandmother?
How do you think she feels?
Mother,
grandmother is dead, too.
She's still upset.
Very well.
I apologize profoundly...
to the ghosts of my ancestors...
for making a mess
of their ancestral home.
Hold that.
I'm not gonna help you.
How many ghosts are there here?
There's Great Auntie Nana
and Uncle Toby...
and that nice
Elizabethan lady...
and the nun who was walled
into the closet...
and Oliver's bastard, who never
came out of the library.
Mother.
- What, darling?
- What a wonderful idea.
- What, darling?
- Ghosts.
Ghosts?
Ghosts.
A wonderful tourist attraction.
Katie!
Katie, take this down.
Castle Plunkett...
the superbly-restored edifice
in the heart...
of the incomparably beautiful
Irish countryside.
Also known to be
the most haunted place...
on the Emerald Isle!
Here, the dead
outnumber the living!
This castle contains
more ghouls, ghosties...
long-leggedy beasties...
and things
that go bump in the night...
than on any other place
in this revolving, revolting...
maggot-spinning earth!
We can promise you
banshees, pookas...
ghouls of all descriptions.
The one thing we won't promise
is a good night's sleep.
There are no bloody ghosts here.
I know, but there will be.
We'll invent them.
Yes, Mr. Wilson...
the accommodations
are strictly modern...
and so far, the renovations
have been consistent...
with maintaining
the ectoplasmic ambience...
of Castle Plunkett and environs.
Illusion.
You, Katie, for instance.
You high on a wire would be
magnificent as a flying banshee.
A little dry rot,
selective damp...
some fungus here and there.
Ghosts need
such things to exist.
Thank you.
Patricia, you could be...
a mermaid!
Or Lady Godiva.
Anybody dead down there?
Only the corpse, Eamon.
What the shaggin' hell
are you doin' up there?
Genius. Pure genius.
Just you wait till they see it.
The bloody hand to the front...
And the bloody feet at the rear.
Look, what in the name of God
is that?
We're not doin'
the "African Queen."
Will you get me the shaggin'
fish I asked you for?
Smile, Katie!
You have to smile!
The Americans
are coming tomorrow.
Now, Eamon, you little genius,
one more time.
Ready, steady, go!
Jack, what are you doing?
It's a little champagne.
To us, to Ireland...
your homeland.
Loch Ness Monster,
guys in skirts.
That's Scotland, Jack.
I knew that.
Oh, Christ!
Oh, Jack.
I've just taken two Valium...
and now you're trying
to drown me in champagne.
God. Next thing you know,
you'll want to have sex.
Ma'am?
A little champagne?
I suppose sex
is out of the question?
I think I should be
the tart on the horse...
and you should be
the hag in the tree.
I think I should go home.
Just give me that hair back!
Bon voyage!
On our left,
we have the Houghlin Bog...
home to more grisly
and gruesome murders...
than any comparable spot
in the universe.
The fierce,
fighting O'Flahertys...
would pile down from
the Knockmealdown Mountains...
and pillage and rape
women and children.
We have children here.
Even Christian brothers
were known to berserk...
the occasional sheep or goat.
Here, within the confines
of Castle Plunkett itself...
we come to the infamous
Wailing Willow...
from which the Brogan Banshee...
is reported to wail and howl
from time to time.
They're comin', Katie!
Get ready to show them
all you have!
Scare the Jesus out of 'em.
Howl, Katie, howl!
Howl like a banshee!
Wave the life out of 'em!
Wave your arms!
Oh, Jesus!
Stop the bus!
Help me!
Driver!
Help me!
There's a lady
on the luggage rack!
I'm not a lady!
I'm a banshee!
There's a banshee
on the luggage rack!
And the banshee's howling
brings forth...
the restless spirit
of Lady Amelia...
risen from her grave, riding
naked on her magical mount!
Hands and heels now, Patricia!
I can't stop it!
Help!
Awesome!
Oh, mummy!
The things I do for you.
Deeply appreciated.
Oh, dear.
Don't panic!
What do you mean,
"don't panic"?
Listen to me!
Don't panic!
Shut up!
She's amphibious,
or so I'm told.
Jesus Christ.
This is the end of the world.
Best foot forward, Katie.
Welcome to Castle Plunkett!
You are most heartily welcomed.
Ladies, gentlemen, children...
you appear to be a trifle moist.
May I?
Good evening, boys,
young lady...
Mr. Crawford,
Mrs. Crawford, Mrs. Clay.
Mr. Plunkett, what is
this whiting in a glaze?
Oh, that would be a lovely
whiting with bread crumbs.
And the whiting au nature?
Boiled whiting.
So, what's
the whiting vapor stuff?
That, my dear young one, would
be whiting, steamed.
And what is this?
Whiting bordeaux?
Very witty, Mr. Clay.
OK, Mom. You've got us here.
Now where are these ghosts?
Come on! I wanna see one now!
Boys!
I'm afraid there are
no ghosts here.
A cynic, Mr. Clay.
No, a parapsychologist...
Mr. Plunkett.
Duke University.
A para-what?
A parapsychologist.
An expert in ghosts.
Give the parapsychologist
a drink, Katie.
Whiting bisque, madame?
Thank you.
And for you, father?
The whiting bisque?
So, I was seeing this guy, and
he's a devil worshipper, right?
Well, he's a hairdresser,
really...
but he devil worships
on the side.
We booked this dumb tour
'cause he likes ghosts...
corpses, dead gerbils,
that kind of thing...
and he ran off
with this Buddhist monk.
I mean, how was I supposed
to know he was gay?
So, what about you?
Are you gay, too?
No, I'm not, but I'm chaste.
Just kidding.
Trick question.
So, what are you doing here?
Well, I thought
I'd take a vacation here...
in the Isle of Saints...
before I take my final vows
as a sort of spiritual treat.
Retreat.
Yeah. Well, I've kind of
taken a vow myself.
I've sworn off men
for a while, at least.
But you're not a priest yet?
No. Not yet.
Well, here's to keeping
our vows.
Mr. Plunkett.
Who's that?
Mary Plunkett.
My great-great-great-great-
great-great-grandcousin.
She died right here in
Castle Plunkett 200 years ago.
She couldn't take
the whiting, either?
Levity is out of place,
Mrs. Crawford.
She was murdered
on her wedding night...
by the hand of her
newly wedded husband.
When I remember
All friends linked together
I've seen around me
Fall like leaves in wintry snow
Why don't I just
give you both here?
I can get the change later.
Lovely music.
Shut up!
Some banquet-hall
Deserted
Whose lights are fled
Whose garlands dead
And all but he departed
Thus in the stilly night
Ere slumber's chain
Has bound me
Fond memory brings the light
Honey, everybody's singing.
It's beautiful.
It's beautiful.
A full moon has risen
above Houghlin Bog.
Those of you
with nervous dispositions...
would do well
to protect yourselves.
Lock your windows,
bolt your doors...
say your prayers...
for tonight,
they may be walking abroad...
the cluricanes,
the banshees, and the pookas.
Good night.
Sleep well, if you can.
If you dare!
Bugs.
Where did they all go?
Don't ask.
They might come back.
Well, if there are
any ghosts in this castle...
I hope to God they put on
a better show than this one.
It was pretty scary, huh, kids?
Didn't you see
"Nightmare on Elm Street"?
Give me a break.
Scared the shit out of me.
Right. Phase Two.
Katie, banshee time.
Julia, where's me bandages?
Because it's hard to get
a significant C.R. reading...
when there is no observed
deviation to be measured.
I'm afraid that this is going
to be the most pitiful scam...
There is not even
a dress hanger in the dump.
Malky.
Get me the nightie
you bought me at the duty-free.
Honey?
Thanks, Bugbear.
Oh, take this, would you?
Unexpected random fluctuations
of the standard deviation...
would need to exceed 2.33 for it
to be conceived as significant.
Here we have
a very impressive sight indeed.
It's the winning Hereford bull
owned by Mr. Lynch...
and he's won the competition
for the third year in a row.
Mind you,
the competition we saw today...
was of a very
high quality indeed...
and the judges
had a very difficult task.
Of course, these days,
the judges emphasize grooming...
Oh, my God.
Major jet lag.
Excuse me.
I don't believe in ghosts.
Oh, wait.
Calm down, Miranda.
You can stop it now,
because really, I'm not scared.
One more time, my Katie, and
give the window a little tap.
Tap it yourself.
Away, Little John.
Damn it!
Look at me, you bastard!
OK, you guys.
If you aren't in bed in three
seconds, you are grounded.
But we haven't seen a ghost yet.
And I'm not whistlin' Dixie.
Help me!
Help!
Please, somebody help me!
Where's he goin'?
Help me!
All right. I'm coming.
- Brother Tony, help me!
- I will!
- You have to make it stop!
- All right!
I don't like it at all!
Come on, Brother Tony! Jump!
I'm coming!
Oh, Tony!
Brother Tony!
Do something!
Don't just lay there,
do something!
Like what?
Exorcise it!
You're a priest, aren't you?
How about a little something
from "Revelations"?
- "Revelations"?
- "Revelations."
"And I saw an angel..."
I'm gonna be sick!
Don't leave me!
We're going to die!
They're going to kill us!
A change in the humidity
and you will turn blue.
Come to me, Bugbear.
Make me a woman.
My love.
Oh, that's the most pathetic
display that I've ever seen.
Malcolm!
What is that?
A 45-degree semisilver mirror?
Now, Eamon.
The sword!
Jack, what are you doing?
I smell something burning, Jack.
Sharon!
How many times
do I have to tell you "no"?
I'm exhausted.
We are not making love tonight.
I just saw a ghost!
That is the most pathetic excuse
for sex I have ever heard!
If I say I'm too tired,
then I'm too tired.
Thank you very much, Jack.
Now I need to take
two more Valium.
My God, he's got my underwear!
Oh, very nice!
A pervert ghost!
Malcolm, the children!
Don't worry, Marge.
I'll handle this.
Get away from the children!
Yeah, Dad!
Supernatural, huh?
Sounds pretty solid to me.
Behind me, children!
How dare you threaten
my family?
I think it's real, Dad.
I'll show you real!
Mother of God!
You could've shaggin' killed me.
Maybe if we made love
more often...
you wouldn't need
your stupid pills.
Do not take that Valium.
Sharon,
do not take that Valium.
Would you listen to me
for once in your life?
Sharon, please!
It's not working!
We have to stop!
We have to try something else!
What are you doing...
to that poor ghost?
Wait a minute!
Plunkett! You phony! You fake!
Julia! Oh, how's my poor...
Little demon children!
Calm yourselves!
As the brochure says,
it's the unpredictability...
of spirits that causes problems.
So I would like to apologize
for any minor inconvenience.
This is the most pitiful
supernatural sham...
that I've ever encountered!
It will get better,
I assure you.
That's it!
We are leaving
tomorrow morning, Jack.
Oh, no, my dear woman.
Am I intruding?
Just give the poor ghosts
a little time.
We're history, dude.
Couldn't we look on tonight
as a kind of dress rehearsal?
You're finished, Plunkett!
I am going to personally expose
this pathetic fraud!
There are laws, sir,
against people like you.
Marge, children, we're leaving.
Maybe Jim Brogan'll
give us another chance?
Jim Brogan? What's Jim Brogan
got to do with this?
He has the mortgage
on the place...
and we've only got
two weeks left...
and then he's gonna
throw us out.
Jack, I'm very tired.
I'd like to go to bed now.
- Now!
- Just wait a minute!
What's going on here,
Mr. Plunkett?
So we told a lie.
Everyone lies once in a while.
So Katie isn't a ghost...
and Julia still
has her head on...
and Eamon isn't a mummy...
and the castle isn't haunted,
but what of that?
What you have
to ask yourselves is...
why did we do it?
We did it because
we love this place.
Every little
worm-eaten brick...
every little rotting
nook and cranny.
Why should you Americans care
if I lose my home?
Castle Plunkett.
And the villagers lose
their only means of employment?
Thank you, Katie.
Jack, let's go to bed.
- I care, Mr. Plunkett.
- What?
I care.
Jim Brogan is my father-in-law,
so I'm involved in this.
You're Jim Brogan's daughter?
Yes, my name's Brogan.
I might as well tell you...
that there won't be any
extensions on your mortgage.
I mean, not after
tonight's performance.
I don't believe this.
Daddy asked me
to check it out.
I mean, this ghost business
was too ridiculous.
So you came to sabotage us?
You did perfectly all right
all by yourself.
I didn't have to lift a finger.
Jack, are you coming?
Look, I don't know what to say.
I didn't know.
I didn't.
For what it's worth,
I think this place is great.
You're the ghost in the bedroom.
You were the banshee
on the luggage rack.
Sharon, hey, wait a minute!
Daddy wants this place.
He's always wanted it.
He was born here.
He hates the Plunketts.
Why?
Why not?
Daddy hates most people.
So you lied to me.
You used our second honeymoon
for Daddy.
Jack, it's business.
It's business?
Obviously, a word
you're not familiar with.
Where are you going?
To get drunk.
I don't want you
to lose your castle.
Not to my father-in-law,
he's a son of a bitch.
Oh, my dear fellow,
you're too kind.
He's an unlovely combination...
of a son of a bitch
and a rat's knackers.
What's a rat's knackers?
It's an unholy trinity
of a muckraker, a gobshite...
and a hoor's melt.
The guy's a dick.
In a word.
Would you like a drink?
I thought I had one.
I mean a real drink.
Upsy-daisy.
My father's brew.
Oh, perfect.
Look at the bad side...
gotta look at the good side.
There's constantly...
There's two sides
to every story.
The milk of human kindness,
Sharon.
Three little words,
every once in a while.
Doesn't cost anything.
"I love you."
Oh, shit. Wrong room.
Our room's not this nice.
- No, Martin!
- It's not what you think.
Oh, no, Martin. No!
I know you.
You're the girl in the painting!
- So, you wee harlot.
- No, Martin!
You're the one in the painting.
You'll tup with no one!
Come here, lovey!
Who's this guy?
You're a great act.
Real bruises, too, huh?
Wow, that's great.
Hey, pal, you should've
done this earlier.
I think you could've
saved the place.
Where is he?
Martin, there's no one!
Great outfits.
Martin, there's no one!
Looks real!
Martin, there's no one!
Looks a little rough, but real.
Why don't I believe ya?
This is so disgusting.
Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die,
not with a lie on her lips.
Oh, God, what have I done?
You killed her.
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
I told you, you killed her.
Mary.
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
What did you do?
She's a mess!
There's a trap door down here.
Oh, no, Martin!
So, you wee harlot.
No, Martin. No!
Duck!
You won't tup with me, huh?
Please, no!
The party's over, all right?
Take your hands off the girl...
or you're gonna be...
OK, pal!
Where is he?
All right! Where is he?
Martin, there's no one.
Wait a minute, wait.
What are you doing?
She's a beautiful woman.
That's a beautiful woman!
Martin, there's no one!
Then, why don't I believe ya?
I'm hit.
Oh, God.
You dirty rotten...
Mary?
No, he missed me.
Oh, Lord, she wouldn't die,
not with a lie on her lips.
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
Oh, God, what have I done?
Who are you guys?
I'm Mary Plunkett.
Wait a minute.
This is an act.
This is an act. Right?
How can I thank you?
For what?
For your selflessness.
I didn't do... I don't...
How can I thank you?
You're so beautiful.
How can I thank you?
Thank you.
Don't go.
Why do you have to go?
I don't feel good.
Sharon, I think I'm going crazy.
I gotta know. Did you...
Did you ever love me?
Let's see if those pills
really work.
You've had a good life.
Oh, God.
You.
You are...
Good morning, darling.
Good morning, Lavinia.
Well, our son is an idiot.
We've known that for years.
Haven't we, darling?
Well, this time,
he has surpassed himself.
The ghosts are furious.
Why?
Well, they've heard that
that Jim Brogan fellow...
is going to move the castle
to Malibu.
How nice.
All that sunshine,
and all those movies stars.
No respectable ghost
would live in California.
Besides, they're Irish.
What would they do there?
Oh, if only I hadn't died.
None of this
would ever have happened.
Well, you did die,
didn't you, darling?
So, what are
we gonna do about it?
Out of my hands.
They won't listen to me.
They're going
to give those Americans...
exactly what they came here for.
Serve 'em right.
I'm dead.
So, this is what it feels like.
Like a hangover.
Peter?
Peter, wake up.
The Yanks are leaving.
Really?
As long as I'm dead,
I might as well tell you.
You've got all the warmth
of a penguin on an iceberg.
You're a dwarf.
You'd better clean
those choppers real good...
so you can chew up
the next jerk who comes along.
I'm not dead?
No, but if I were you...
I wouldn't make
any long-range plans.
Great, Jack. Now I've got
a massive migraine coming on.
My B-complex level
is rock bottom.
Sharon, look...
Let me see that.
Sharon, I think...
Get packed, Jack.
Sharon, you took a Valium.
Wrong pills.
What did you have
for your breakfast, little boy?
Some tan fish.
That was a nice change.
I said this place
is a nightmare, Daddy!
Of course, I sound strange.
I'm depressed.
Everybody hates me.
And, last night,
Jack slept on the floor...
and when he woke up,
he said he was dead...
and that I was a dwarf
and that I had buck teeth...
and you know
how self-conscious I am...
about those things,
this is all your fault!
I hate you!
Miss Crawford?
Are you all right?
Do you think that I'm colder
than a penguin on an iceberg?
Oh. Well, no.
No, you see, actually,
penguins are a lot warmer...
than people
give them credit for.
How dare you!
I didn't... don't tell my wife.
I mean, not that I did anything.
Do you hear me, Sharon?
Sharon, get on this phone!
Will you talk to me, Sharon?
You're real.
I mean, you're not.
You're a real ghost.
I have to thank you
for what you did last night.
It was nothing.
What did I do?
You gave me my first moment
of peace in near 200 years.
I'll be in your debt
for eternity, sir.
It was nothing, and you
don't have to call me sir.
What can I call ya?
Thank you, Sir Jack.
It's on me.
- Lovely dress.
- My wedding dress.
Today is my wedding day.
Tonight, he'll murder me.
You get murdered every night?
Every night until last night.
What about tonight?
That depends on you.
Why me?
Your love broke the chain,
crossed the boundaries...
Oh, my God, hold on!
You can't depend on me!
Nobody can depend on me.
My wife would never understand...
Ah, twasn't love, then.
Mary, we hardly know each other.
Look, I gotta go!
- Don't go, Jack!
- I gotta, I just... look...
You want to forget me.
I don't know what I want!
I just don't...
What the heck?
He's flying!
Look at him!
Me roof!
Jesus Christ!
So all the snakes
weren't driven out of Ireland.
- What?
- The snakes!
"To die; to sleep no more;
and by a sleep to say we end..."
Peter! They changed their minds!
They're staying!
There is a God.
Hey, would your name
conceivably be Jack?
Welcome back, dear guests!
Let me be the first
to apologize...
for our temperamental
Irish weather.
Shut up, Plunkett.
Call us a cab.
Certainly, Mr. Clay.
Immediately.
Deepest regrets,
the phones are dead.
The storm
must've knocked them out.
So, we're all together
for one more night.
It seems that we're becoming
one big, happy family.
Sorry, Mr. P.
Plunkett!
I'd rather walk into town
in this suit of armor...
and spend a night in a stable...
than to spend one more second
in this hell hole!
Marge! Children!
We're leaving!
Malcolm!
Oh, my God!
Malcolm!
Oh, God!
Malcolm, can you hear me?
Oh, please,
let him be all right.
Oh, dear God.
Plunkett, this is your doing!
Darling?
Yes, I think we could stay
one more night.
Sweet Mother Mary...
Saint Brigid...
please don't let me marry him.
Please release me.
I don't love Martin,
and I never will.
Sweet Mother Mary,
Saint Brigid...
please don't let me marry him.
Please release me.
I don't love Martin.
Sweet Mother Mary,
Saint Brigid...
please don't let me marry him.
Please release me.
Sweet Mother Mary...
Sweet Jesus,
what happened to you?
I ran into a little wind.
Oh, dear.
That would be the spirits
in the castle.
Sorry.
What are you doing?
I'm praying to Saint Brigid...
to release me
from me marriage vows.
Look, this is
too psychotic for me.
- I mean, look...
- Saint Brigid...
I mean, I'm as up for
a good nervous breakdown...
as anybody, really,
but this is too much.
I mean, I get here yesterday...
my marriage collapses,
then I save a ghost...
from being murdered
by another ghost.
Now, if you think about it,
that makes no sense at all.
Then I fly through the air,
hit a tree...
and Renaldo the talking horse
here...
leads me to... -
to the most beautiful...
ghost that I've ever seen
in my...
Last night, when you took
Martin's sword in my stead...
you broke the cursed chain
that has bound me for 200 years.
What cursed chain?
Me marriage to Martin Brogan
was arranged by me father.
I did not love him.
He had warts,
and his feet stank.
On my wedding night,
I refused to be tupped by him.
- Tupped?
- Tupped.
I get it.
Go on.
He thought I loved another...
though I did not.
And in a jealous fury,
he did me to death!
Now, every day for me
is the same.
If I get murdered
one more time, I'll scream.
Who'd want to be a ghost?
We are what we are.
So... this Marty stank?
Aye, and he squished.
He squished?
Squished.
Oh, he squished!
God...
Could you love a man
who belched but didn't squish?
I could love you,
Sir Jack.
If you loved me,
the miracle could happen.
I can't.
I cannot do this.
I am married.
Then you don't love me.
- I didn't say that.
- Then I am doomed forever.
Even now Martin dons his
garments, sharpens his knife.
Good-bye, Sir Jack.
Look, you're a ghost.
I'm an American.
It would never work out.
Sweet Mother Mary.
Saint Colum...
Mary, look, I don't want you
to get murdered again.
It's just that my wife... if she
found out, she'd murder me!
Jack, is that you?
God, I don't know what happened
to me, but I feel zonked.
I've got pains all over my body.
Could you rub my back?
Well, go on, Jack.
I won't bite.
Jack, you never did it
like that before.
Saint Patrick.
Saint Jude.
Saint Columcille.
Saint Hocks McGorrick.
Honey! What...
Honey, what is it?
Where have you been?
There was a man in my bathtub!
A big giant man, gigantic...
and he's scrubbing my back,
and it felt good!
I should've known it wasn't you!
He had warts all over his hands!
Yeah, with warts.
Yeah, that's Martin.
- Who's Martin?
- He's a ghost.
- He's a what?
- He's a ghost.
He murders his wife every night.
Other than that...
I think he's pretty harmless,
sweetheart.
- Get out!
- Honey, I...
Sweetheart, look...
Honey, you're...
Honey, really...
You don't understand.
Honey, we've gotta talk.
Are you OK, honey?
Do I look OK?
Not really.
What are you doing?
I have to check this place out.
Something smells
very wrong here.
Yes, it does.
It smells like... burnt rubber.
No, that's me.
To right, right.
To left, left.
Do you believe this?
Only four channels!
Cables must be unplugged.
There's no cable.
This is it.
I tell ya.
This place sucks the big one.
Fingers together...
Wendy!
Mom!
Woody!
Look at the TV, guys.
You horrible little children!
Eternity's a big commitment.
You know, it's a long time.
You gotta take things one step
at a time. That's the key.
You do love her, don't you?
Yeah, I guess I do.
I don't know.
What's the problem then?
She's a ghost!
She's dead. I'm alive.
How do you know all this?
I'm married to one.
Won't you join us...
for a drink?
Yeah, I could use a drink.
Yeah, sure.
Oh, dear Lord.
I do beseech thee
to help me in this...
my hour of need.
Oh, cleanse me of these
impure thoughts I have...
for this woman... Miranda.
Come on!
Oh, Lord!
I get the message!
Brother Tony.
Brother Tony,
are you all right?
Brother Tony,
what are you doing in the pool?
The Lord works
in mysterious ways.
True love can move mountains.
Yeah, but it can't
bring the dead back to life.
Yes, it can,
on All Hallows' Eve.
Halloween.
That's tomorrow night.
When the spirit moves,
and the flesh is willing...
and the juices flow,
and the skelping is mighty.
What's skelping?
It's a ghost term.
But it's dangerous.
You mustn't go too far.
What do you mean?
- Oh, it's you!
- Whom were you expecting?
Plunkett, those fake ghosts
were one thing...
This is entirely different,
isn't it?
Is there something wrong
with your room?
Something wrong with my room?
What are you talking
about, ghosts?
- The brochure...
- Damn the brochure!
We're talking
real, live spirits here!
- How can you explain this?
- The weather.
Oh, come off it, will you?
Don't you understand?
He wants us here.
He knows it's the only way
he can keep this dump.
I don't know about
the rest of you...
but, Plunkett,
you haven't fooled me at all.
I've been fooled.
- Me, too.
- I've been very fooled.
Explain this to me.
"A ghost may not tup
with a human."
So this means a ghost cannot
make love with a human being.
Oh, my God!
Who's Mary?
Who's this Mary?
She's a woman.
She's a ghost.
Don't start
this ghost stuff again.
- She's someone I care about.
- What?
It's funny how you can care.
I think I'm falling...
Jack, don't stand there
and tell me...
that you're having an affair
with a goddamn ghost.
Well, I am!
That's it.
Your lawyer, my lawyer...
and I hope the ghost
has a lawyer...
because I want to meet him.
Here she is!
This is Mary.
- No, Martin!
- Mary the ghost.
So you wee harlot!
No, Martin!
That's Martin the ghost!
That's the man
that was in my bathtub!
See, he's gonna come over here
and throw her on the bed.
- He's gigantic.
- That's Martin the ghost.
They're having problems
in their relationship.
No, Jack, we're having problems
in our relationship.
- Come here!
- Honey...
You gotta see this.
Come on.
He's gonna run after her
and throw her against the wall.
There's no one!
Oh, yes, there is.
My husband!
Now he throws her over there.
This is the bad part here.
- Martin, there's no one!
- Why don't I believe ya?
- Please, don't!
- Honey.
- You can't just kick a ghost.
- Did you see that?
Now look what you did.
Wait, Mary!
I love you.
I know that.
You do?
When did you know that?
The minute I saw ya.
The minute I knew I loved you...
but your love must be true.
It is.
It must withstand all obstacles.
It will.
Oh, Mary, my darlin'.
What have I done to ya?
What have I done?
That was a dirty trick,
wasn't it?
Hey?
Kicking me
right in the bahoggies.
But you were gonna stab your
wife with a sword, you pig.
Shoot, that's no big thing.
I do it every night.
And I suppose watching
other men's wives...
in the bathtub
is no big deal, either.
I'm sure it's a grand thing
if the wife happens to be you.
You dirty peeping tom.
Me name is not Thomas.
It's Martin.
Oh, Mary.
I'm sorry, darlin'.
What have I done to ya?
Oh, God.
Here, give us
a wee scub before...
No, not again.
You're a wily vixen,
aren't ya?
Oh, Lord, what have I done?
Oh, God, what have I done?
Oh, God, what a woman.
You're not so bad yourself.
What's skelping?
Skelping.
This is skelping.
That's nasty.
It wasn't nice?
It was nice.
It was very, very nice.
Hold on, Mary.
Wait a minute.
You can't just skelp me
and leave me.
Can't help it.
Skelping takes
a lot out of you.
Look, Mary, I...
I'll be in the chamber
midnight tomorrow.
So what's wrong
with the Americans?
What's wrong
with these Americans?
One night
they're desperate to leave...
the next night
you can't get rid of them.
One day they hate the whiting...
the next day, they have
to have all five courses.
When you break your back...
to give them the ghosts
you thought they wanted...
they scream at you, and when
you throw the towel in...
they scream even louder.
They see spooks everywhere...
spooks in the bathroom,
spooks under the bed.
Don't they know
when the joke is over?
They cower well enough.
What is going on here?
Eamon, why are chunks
of masonry floating about?
Mr. Plunkett...
I think there's some people
want to have a word with you.
Who?
Grand Uncle Peter.
Grand Aunt Nan.
Granny Joyce and her sister.
Her half-sister.
Not to mention...
your daddy.
But he's dead!
I know.
He looks terrible angry, too.
I have a perfect right to be...
considering what you have done
to our ancestral home.
Father!
Let us in!
Do you really think
you could get away from me?
Leave me alone.
You're dead.
Not so dead I can't see
what a numbskull you are.
Oh, fine!
Call me names!
That's so easy.
Well, for God's sake,
look at you.
What did you ever
give me this place for?
You knew I was an incompetent.
All I wanted to be
was happily useless.
You made me miserably useless
giving me this place...
baths to run,
bills to be paid...
and then dying on me
just like that!
Most people
give some warning, you know...
premature senility,
angina, gout...
bed-ridden for years...
but not you, oh, no.
Healthy as an old goat, you pop
off one day in the orchard...
and what then?
Not a goddamn word,
not a whisper.
Did it never occur to you
that I might need some advice?
That I might miss you?
Peter, I never thought...
It's true... you old goat.
I missed you, Daddy.
Give your daddy a hug.
Sorry, Peter.
They will be back tonight.
It is All Hallows' Eve.
If you see anything,
just ignore it completely.
Just pretend
that it didn't happen.
Have you got that?
I don't hear anything, do you?
Don't you just love whiting?
Madam.
For you I missed my wedding
for the first time in years...
that's how much I want you.
And sure, I know I'm a ghost...
and a murderer,
but forget about all that.
Listen.
Tonight's All Hallows' Eve...
the one night in the year
that I turn to flesh...
so what do you say
to a wee bit of skelping?
Come on.
At least tell me your name.
Lady, I've got
the best bahoggies...
from here to Ballinderry.
Come on. What do you say?
Let's give it a twirl.
Drop dead.
Oh, God. What a woman.
"He who tups with the spirit
finds only the grave...
"but the virtuous heart
true love will save."
"He who tups with the spirt
finds only the grave...
"but the virtuous heart
true love will save."
Some whiskey over here, please.
Aye, the whiskey.
Relax, everybody.
Take it easy.
They won't come into a bar,
would they?
They don't drink whiskey.
- Who?
- Spirits.
- How the hell would I know?
- The Irish ones do.
- He says the Irish ones do.
- Don't.
Do they or don't they?
You don't shaggin' know, do you?
It may be no more
than a local disturbance
in the extraplaner ether.
Ether, me bollocks.
A supernatural belch,
you know what I'm talking about?
Hey! Drinks all around!
- What's that?
- It's none of it! No!
Where's your ectoplasm now?
Did you...
It took the hurricane.
What in the name of God is that?
Dad, it's a submarine!
Well, what's that
shaggin' thing on top of it?
It's a giant squid!
Get off me!
Yea, though I walk
through the valley of death...
I shall fear no evil
for thou art with me.
Mom!
Thy rod and thy staff
they will comfort me!
Save the child!
Heave!
Mom!
Heave!
Tug and heave!
- Heave!
- Let's get him!
Mom!
Look!
She's movin' on.
She's movin' on
Thank goodness.
It's a bloody good thing
we ignored it, huh?
Hello.
Hello.
Oh, God, you're real.
Having fun?
It's gotten totally
out of control here.
I'm afraid I've been
with my family.
Is the roof leaking?
You have no idea
what it was like here.
Did we just tup?
No, but it's not too far off.
Right.
Hey, how about some champagne?
A little champagne to get our
mind off the old you-know-what.
All right?
I usually mess this up.
Drink to me, only,
with thine eyes...
and I will pledge with mine;
or leave a kiss
within the cup...
and I'll not ask for wine.
That was so beautiful.
Who wrote it?
Ben Johnson.
Ben Johnson.
You know, whenever I hear
Ben's material...
it just makes me think
about you-know-what.
I'm sorry.
I'm really sorry.
- Quote me something.
- Quote?
Anything to keep
our minds off...
You-know-what.
Right, a quote.
There ain't nothin' in the world
like a big-eyed girl...
to make me act so funny,
make me spend my money.
Makes me feel real loose,
like a long-necked goose.
Oh, baby, that's what I like.
That's so...
Who wrote that?
The Big Bopper.
Maybe you know him.
He's dead, too.
Are you sure they're gone?
- Everyone, stay behind me.
- Stay behind him.
I have to check this place out.
Every inch of it...
castle, grounds.
- It's kind of scary...
- Quiet!
The Plunkett ancestors...
- Check outside.
- They're rather unapproachable.
Sir Jack, I'm in me cups.
No, it's nothing.
I'm really drunk.
- No, we mustn't.
- Right.
We should just be friends.
Go!
Halt!
Go!
How beautiful the night looks.
I'm having the time of my life.
Isn't it beautiful?
Not as beautiful as you.
Will ya hold on.
Listen to the paracyclist!
I formally declare this
a spirit-free zone!
If you ever go
across the sea to Ireland
Then maybe at
the closing of the day
Oh, God.
I'm not tupping.
I'm not tupping, right?
This is somewhere...
between a skelp
and a tup, right?
The women in the meadow
making hay
Just to sit beside
a turf fire in the cabin
And watch the sun
go down on Galway Bay
On Galway...
Holy God,
that's my shaggin' bus!
It shouldn't be happenin'.
Somebody's brought it here.
Where's Jack?
No, Jack.
- OK.
- Stop.
We mustn't.
- We can't!
- We can't.
- It's not right.
- I know.
Oh, that's nice.
Yeah... I mean...
- No, stop!
- All right.
Don't listen to me, Jack.
Go on.
Sharon, I love thee!
And tonight's the holy night!
Oh, Sharon, I love thee!
No, Jack!
Remember our promise?
We can't.
A little to the right.
- There?
- That's good.
You for me.
Come here, me lovely dearie.
Come here to me!
Where are ya?
Sharon, wait!
- I love you, Jack.
- I love you, Mary.
Actually, you look
very like my mother.
Jesus, Mary, and Joseph.
Oh, Lord, please save
this beautiful creature...
from these demons.
If a life must be taken,
take mine.
Oh, yea, though I walk...
through the valley
of the shadow of death.
Brother Tony!
Where are you going,
Brother Tony?
I shall fear no evil
for thou art with me!
My God, Jack.
We shouldn't have.
Mary, that was something.
Where are you?
Sharon, this isn't
a joke anymore.
Saint Hocks McGorrick, wait!
Mary, what's happened?
It's the powers, Jack.
I'm 200 years old.
He who tups with a spirit,
tups with the grave.
What do you mean?
Help me!
Jack, just tell me you love me.
Make it all right.
But you're not Mary.
You're a corpse.
Now, don't do this to me,
darlin'.
Get away from me.
Help!
Oh, bollocks!
Holy Jesus!
- Hi, Marty.
- Where's the wife?
Not mine, ya dolt.
Yours.
I'm being followed
by a U.F. O!
You can't get so excited.
You think I don't know
what's going on?
- Excited? A bus...
- Come here, me lovely!
Hey there, Mary.
We were just playin' around,
darlin', you know?
You threw me over for this?
I mean, I knew you liked
passive women, Jack...
but she's half-dead.
I hope she has a great
personality, because this hurts.
At least she said she loved me.
That's a lot more
than you ever did.
I love you, Jack. I do.
Ya wee harlot, I'll kill ya.
She's looks dead enough already.
Please, don't start that.
Oh, Jack.
Your wife's some woman.
So's yours.
So was yours.
Where are you going?
I was just kidding.
You were made for each other.
You look great.
You really do.
Bye, Mary.
Sorry for the last 200 years,
darlin'.
Jack, you said
you'd love me forever.
I know.
Mary, I just...
You were so different then.
Only on the outside, Jack.
Inside I'm the same.
Yeah, I know.
I know looks aren't everything.
I'm in here, Jack.
It's just that they
can help so much when you...
- Kiss me.
- Kiss you?
Maybe we should get
some moisturizer.
- Kiss me, Jack.
- Or some medical supervision.
One last time.
Please, Jack.
Stop, let me catch my breath.
Martin, where are you?
Martin, wait!
Don't go!
How the hell
did you get up there?
No, don't go, Martin!
No, wait!
I'm in here, love!
Martin, where are you?
Oh, Sharon,
you do love me, don't ya?
You do love me, Sir Jack.
Then look at me.
Well, then, be with me forever.
Any way you want it.
Oh, my God.
What have I done?
You weren't meant for this.
I didn't want this to happen.
Oh, God.
Forever, Jack.
You're alive.
Aye.
What do you mean I'm dead?
Now, take my word for it.
You're just saying that...
so you can have
your wicked way with me.
If you weren't dead
I wouldn't be able...
to have my way with you.
This is ridiculous.
You can't hide from me.
I've got to find you.
That's right!
You can't fool me.
They're gone.
- Here, file that.
- Malcolm, they're gone.
They're not gone.
Brother Tony,
you forgot your collar.
No, he didn't.
He threw it away.
Didn't you, baby?
I'm only human.
Here we are.
Mr. Plunkett, single-handedly
the worst vacation...
that I've ever experienced
in my life.
Thank you, Mr. Clay.
However, I'll be recommending
Castle Plunkett...
as the most haunted castle
in the Western Hemisphere.
I hope that helps you
with your business.
- Too kind.
- I second that.
Most gracious.
- Bye.
- See ya.
They're gone, dear.
Come on in. I'll make you
a nice fish sandwich.
I cannot thank you enough,
Sir Jack, for deciding to stay.
Hey, where am I gonna go, right?
Listen, Mary.
When are you gonna
stop calling me "Sir"?
Sorry, I can't help it.
Maybe when you
decide to marry me.
Are you asking?
My wife's hardly dead, and it
was such a horrible death.
Maybe we could wait
a couple of centuries.
We booked the hall till 12:00.
How about a little privacy?
The day is for the living, Jack.
The night is for the dead.
How's the corpse?
Pretty good.
How's the psycho?
A pussycat.
So was the trip worth it, Jack?
Yeah. She thinks I'm brilliant.
Mary, you've put on a wee bit
of flesh since I last saw ya.
I'm not gettin' stabbed
every night, Martin.
Mary, it hurt me
more than it hurt you.
Go on now with it.
So how's the Yank?
He takes me shoppin'.
Come here to me.
My love.
My reason for dying.
How'd she ever learn
to dance like that?
Happiness, Sir Jack.
Yeah, happiness.