All my life, I had been looking
for my prince.
You know, someone deep, someone
sweet,
who could make me laugh...
Ashley and me talked on the
phone all night and
I totally cracked her up with my
witty jokes and funny noises,
And right from the very first
second our chemistry was like...
hel-lo!
And we're both really sensitive.
We have this kind of
artsy-fartsy going, so one day,
we made a painting...
Everything we do together is
fun.
Fuck you, Dylan and Ashlee.
Jorge, Jorge... we've been over
this before.
You can't smoke in Debby's.
No, man, I think you can.
I'm, I'm the manager here,
I'm fairly well versed in the
rules, c'mon buddy put it out.
Don't you ever bend the rules?
No...
Corporate puppet.
How's your... food?
It's Saturday night, we're gonna
do it.
We are gonna doooooo it!
Getting paid and laid tonight,
bebe.
Paid and laid.
I, I don't even know what that
means?
It means what we want it to
mean, okay?
It means what we want it to
mean. You dig?
Um, no, I don't... dig.
Ricky what is with you?
Come on, stop being such a
buzzkill.
Now grab your cock and put on
some socks,
cause we are gonna do this town
up and do it right, senorrrita!
Paid and laid. We're doing it!
How exactly are we "doing it?"
Uh, well I don't know? Numero uno, hog,
got you out of the house so there's that.
W is a W
I'm back where I work! It's a
lateral move at best.
Alright well look... that's just
round one of the festivities.
You're NOT going to believe
round two.
Ricky, Ricky, Ricky, you're not
going to believe round two.
Please stop repeating things
please.
Soooo... when do you go into
production?
Really, really not in the mood,
nope.
When do you go into production?
Next month.
Great. So you go into production
on your motion picture next month?
Is it fully cast yet?
No, no, it is, it is, not fully
cast yet.
We're still uh, we're still looking
for our, our last two actresses.
Wow, well just fantastic, that's
just, that's just super.
That's just deluxe.
Now do they have to be well
known or...?
Do they have to be... Ricky,
Ricky, Ricky?
They have to be well known these
actresses?
No, no, we're actually looking
for two total newcomers.
This makes me happy as the film's director,
because I like to work with fresh faces, so...
Uh... me too uh, as the
movie's... executive producer...
Hey, man. Ahh, I can't work Saturday.
Can I get a 'double' next week?
Oh sure, no problem.
Ah you know what,
these broken down fillies are just gonna
get in the way of round two anyhow.
Round two, baby. Round two.
Yum, Yum.
Doing it long and doing it
strong!
Maybe we should just shoot each
other.
Hey, you seem a bit down man.
What up, hog?
It's Saturday night and I'm with
you.
Not for long, bebe. Not for
long.
So when do you go into
production...
Gary Kless is getting married.
Yeah, me too. Who cares?
Oh what's that, the actresses
don't need to be fresh faces...?
That leaves just you and me.
Just you and me.
We are the only two freaks from
high school to NEVER be married.
Can I asked you a question? How
the hell do you even know that?
I keep track on Facebook and
Twitter.
God, Gary is so lucky, man.
Oh that's weird, I thought you get
your period at the end of the month.
MEN don't get jealous of other
MEN getting married!
Men should be jealous of us.
Oh, I strongly disagree.
Jesus, is why you've been
Captain Negativo all night?
Cause that fat bastard Gary
Kless is getting married?
There was this guy on Dr. Phil who said
that it's as likely for a woman over forty
to get hit by lightning or,
or killed by a terrorist than
meet a husband.
What if the same thing goes for
men?
What if Gary just got lucky and he
made a pact with God and/or Satan?
I can't go to another of these
weddings alone.
It's just too depressing.
You're not going to be going
alone okay man?
You're going to be going be with
me.
That's... not comforting.
What is wrong with you? Haven't
you seen "Wedding Crashers?"
Common, all those losers in our
class are married off,
we're going to cleaning up bigger
than Owen Wilson and Vinny Vaughn!
Hot filly. Three o'clock.
I forgot my compass.
She's right over there, look at
her, look at her.
That girl is seventeen, tops.
So what? Means she's single.
You'd have sex with an underage
girl?
I'm not a monster, no!
I'd take her out for cookies and milk
shakes until the day she turned eighteen
and then plow her.
Sorry I misjudged you.
Should've proposed to Roz when
we were together.
You dated her in high school.
I had no idea there would be so
few good ones after that.
It's like, it's like in hockey,
you know,
a team goes to the finals and
loses, everybody says
"Hey you know don't worry, we'll
get 'em next year"
what if there is no next year.
What if there is no other Roz
and
I never go to the Stanley Cup
finals of love ever again?
K, K if you hadn't mentioned
hockey there,
that might have been the gayest
thing I've ever heard.
Come on man! Get your game face
on, d-o-g.
We have a wedding to crash!
First of all, we were invited...
second of all, all our friends
are married.
There ARE NO single women!
What about the...
She's seventeen!
We don't know that for a fact!
Jeez... would ya... okay you what...
I'm going in, okay...? I'm going
in.
Please, God,
help me find my soulmate before
I'm hit by lightning or
killed by a terrorist.
Oh, hey, Kings won.
Three goals and two assists,
you're on fire.
NHL.com has pop-up ads for
"E-Happily"?
What the hell. They NEVER have
before...
You have no
responses.
Yeah..
Hey, man.
Hey, Jorge. I was just checking
the... the hockey scores, what's up?
Ahh, I'm gonna need next Saturday off too.
I'm getting married.
What?
Yeah, I know, my mother's been
on my case.
You're twenty-seven, you bum,
what are you waiting for?
Twenty-seven really isn't that
old.
So can I have Saturday off or
what?
No.
What?
Oh, uh, I'm sorry. I, I meant
"yes." Of course... of course...
Jorge...
Where, where did you meet her?
Who?
E-Happily, man. It's
surprisingly effective.
You have one
response.
You found your wife?
Yep. Last night.
You went cruising without me?
Uhm we've never cruised and I
didn't have to go anywhere.
Found her on my computer.
Oh... what porn site?
Wasn't a porn sit... "E-Happily!"
I...joined it last week.
What do you mean, you joined it?
Ah, I don't think I was being
cryptic.
I joined E-Happily last week. To
meet my soulmate.
And it worked.
Poor, sweet, crazy bastard you.
I've never been more sane.
This woman's perfect for me.
Perfect!
Oh, she loves all the same
things I do,
hockey, cats, Albert Brooks
movies,
spooning after sex...
Alright whatever, what does she
look like?
I don't know... and you should
see the e-mails she wrote to me.
Funny, smart, sweet...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold on, just back up, hold the phone.
What do you mean, you don't know
what she looks like?
She didn't post a picture for
some reason.
Oh, that's a real puzzler.
It's 'cause she's a dude,
she's a dude Ricky or looks like a dude.
No...
Listen hoggy dog. There's only that
woman wouldn't post a picture?
'Cause, god bless her, she's
obviously hideous.
Look, there's a million reasons
she wouldn't put up a picture.
No, no... there's one, one...
she looks like "Shrek."
What if she does? Did you learn
anything from that movie?
It's what's inside that counts.
Yeah in fairy tales, you idiot,
not real life!
Her name is Danita. What a
beautiful name.
I've never heard that name
before.
"Danita..."
You sure it isn't Dan
Ita? Like that's her last Ita,
like Dan Ita
Can't you be happy for me?
Alright common You haven't even
met this person!
I am, tomorrow. I'm meeting her
at the Black Cat for drinks.
Look don't do this okay please
Ricky, don't do this.
I have to, Seth.
Danita is my destiny.
Okay...
might want to bring a condom for
Dan just in case.
Shut up.
What the hell is that in your
head?
What are you doing here?!
You know, in case this dude
tries to rob you.
Why are you wearing shoe polish
on your head?
Bald is beautiful bebe.
It's not shoe polish! And, and
bald is beautiful. Not balding.
True dat, true dat. Okay look,
I'll be here at the bar.
Now if she turns out, you see I
said she this time.
If she turns out to be a psycho,
just wave or cough or something like that,
I'll stroll by and I'll say that
uh...
your Mother died and you're
needed at the cemetery, k?
I'm going to go to the table,
please leave. Okay please...
Ricky... Ric, you're my primo
amigo, common.
Ricky you've never met this
woman before,
I just want to be here to make
sure everything goes okay.
Thanks, man.
Ricky, Ricky...
you didn't, you didn't say that
I'm you're primo am...,
I just, I just said that you're
my pri a...
Good luck, bitch.
Ricky?
Ricky Miller?
How do you know my name?
I'm Danita... your date.
Holy shit!
Of, of course. Of course you're
my date.
Yeah.
Unless you were expecting
somebody else and
you're already cheating on me,
you bastard.
No, no, I would never do that.
Okay... Sorry I called you a
bastard.
It's okay...
You look a bit different than
your picture.
I mean, better.
You too. Much better, since you
didn't have one...
I, I... really look better than
my picture?
I knew it was a good idea to use
a picture of Steve Buscemi.
He's an off-beat looking actor...
He was in "Fargo" and he was
'Mr. Pink' in "Reservoir Dogs."
That was funny, Ricky.
Steve Buscemi...
So ummm, are you going to ask me
to sit down?
No, no, keep standing, this,
this seems to be working for me.
I can't believe one of your cats
is named Sidney Crosby.
I told you I loved hockey. Field
hockey and ice.
Am I dreaming this?
Cause then we'd both be dreaming
and
then it would be like the movie
"Inception" and
I walked out of that.
I, I hated that movie too!
Really?
Wow, I thought I was the only
one.
No, no, I hated it too.
Hated it.
God... you know everything
tonight has been so perfect.
Could you jab me in the eye with your
spoon or set my arm on fire? I, I just.
I just, want to make sure that
this is really happening.
How about I do this?
Holy shit!
Um, uh, could you excuse me for
a second?
Um just gonna... slip into
something more comfortable.
Go home!
Ohhh, she is like
uber-movie-star-hot.
Is she crazy or just retarded?
Neither. She just likes me!
No, no, no, no there has to be a
reason.
You're positive she can see...
like out of both eyes?
Okay, I am begging you, go home.
You're ruining this.
Okay, okay, okay, just, just do
me one favor k?
If, if she's retarded,
can you see if she has any other
retarded friends who look like her.
Stop saying retarded, it's
actually offensive.
What are we, on Oprah here?
Good bye, good night, good
night,
It's very vexing dog.
There's got to be a reason, has
to be a reason.
Thought you were going to slip
into something more comfortable.
Yeah, yeah, but I looked in the
mirror and decided
I was "the bomb" also "off the
hook,"
as the kids say.
Do kids still say that?
Yeah, kids over thirty-nine,
yeah.
You're funny...
Funny how? What do you mean,
funny?
Funny like a clown?
Sorry, oh my god, sorry I'm
trying too hard.
I'm nervous.
You're nervous with me?!
Are you retarded?
I'm, I'm sorry it's just that I
mean...
you're, you're gorgeous and
amazing and...
why the hell are you here?
Excuse me?
Why did you choose someone like
me?
I was just blown away by your
E-happily profile.
But I used my real picture and I
wrote down my real job.
Can we go back to your place
now?
Yeah... okay... uh good idea,
thanks.
I've never seen a man weep and
climax at the same time before.
Thank you.
It's just, I've... I've been
waiting all my life
for someone like you.
Exactly like you.
Right...
You're smart, you're sweet and
you're Maxim cover beautiful and
it's like you don't even know
it.
You love hockey and cats and
Albert Brooks and,
and you get my jokes about
obscure homely actors.
You're amazing, Danita.
You're beyond amazing. You're,
you're 'amazing-tastic.'
Well you're not too bad
yourself.
You asked before why I chose
you. Do you still want to know?
I'm... not sure.
You were the only one who said
"yes" to a date.
Yeah, right.
Yeah I didn't post a picture,
remember?
You were the only one who wanted
to go out with me,
even though you had no idea what
I looked like.
Wow, so all those sitcoms and
beer commercials were wrong.
It does pay to have depth.
Holy shit-balls, I have to go.
Holy-shit balls. I like that.
I would love to see you again.
I... hope you want to see me
again too.
Yeah, I think I'm leaning
towards that, yeah.
Sorry. I have to go. I...
say hi to your cats when they
wake up.
Say hi to yours.
Put on ESPN and text me when you
know the hockey scores.
You're incredible.
Do you have Alzheimer's?
I have Loveheimer's.
Hey! You haven't been returning
my calls or texts all day.
What the heck happened?!
With what?
Now don't you dare be coy.
Common I need details, dog.
Look I never thought I'd have to
live vicariously through you...
Last night was unbelievable.
No, no it was better than that.
We stayed in bed and talked all
night,
it was just like Dylan and
Ashlee.
Who the fuck are Dylan and...
HOLD ON a second.
You... slept with that piece
of...
lady, you slept with her?
And, I'm not even talking about
the sex,
although holy crap, that was
good.
Okay, o-Kay!
What the hell is going on? What
the hell is going?
What's going on!?
She's like a '10,' right?
I, I don't assign women numbers.
No, she's, she's a 10! That girl
is a 10, you're like...
no offense Ricky, you're like a
And, and... if you're a 4, she's
like 20!
It's because I went out with her
without knowing
what she looked like!
Was sweet and real.
You are so naive, it's adorable.
Oh, no, no lunch is fine. I, I
look better around noon anyway.
Not, not even joking about that
actually.
It's just, nights aren't always
great. It's when I paint and...
Yeah, yeah that is so cool.
You know I've never actually
dated an artist.
Ah... actually, there are many
professions of which
I have not dated a woman.
Did I just say "of which?"
Hey, ask first. I'm not a piece
of meat.
Yes, you are.
I really, really do think that
it's great you're an artist.
I mean what is that like?
Ummm... I'd prefer to talk about
your job.
Why?
I'm sure it's interesting.
Well you know, you manage a
staff,
and you try to make customers
happy.
I've... you're going to have to
trust me on that.
Than why do you do it?
Well I guess I prefer it to
being homeless.
I, I... okay I started out as a
waiter,
thinking I'd be an artist... Uh
well a writer.
But you know, that didn't work
out so...
Oh well you know... the, the
book industry is so corrupt,
It's all who you know.
I've never heard that before.
Oh yeah, yeah it's like every
son or daughter
of a famous author has a book
deal.
Like who?
Ummm, there's, there's, there's
um...
Mark Hemmingway? And, and
there's Kevin Grisham.
Yeah, yeah I made those up, I'm
sorry.
Okay the truth is, I, I only
wrote one book and
I didn't even finish it.
You don't have to talk about
this if you don't want.
Thank you so much.
Ac, you know actually I do feel
comfortable
talking to you about my writing,
or non-writing.
Um, I... feel like I could tell
you anything.
God, sorry that, that's a stupid
thing to say on a second date.
No, no, no, I thought it was
sweet.
A bit pathetic, but sweet.
No, seriously, I loved it.
See? You really are the perfect
woman.
Oh I... don't know about that.
Yeah, you are, you are. Trust
me.
Hey! It's Saturday night, we are
gonna do it.
We are gonna doooooo it!
Common, time to get paid and
laid Ricky.
Paid and...
Come on, hog. It's been almost
nine days!
I can't believe you're not over
this chick yet.
Ten days! It's been ten days.
And stop saying "paid and laid!"
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING!
No it doesn't, no it doesn't.
What, is someone gonna pay us to
have sex?
Huh? Huh? What the fuck does it
mean, cowboy?!!
I don't know it's just something
I say...
to keep things light and airy.
Did you just call me "Cowboy"
Ricky? Ric, Ricky.. you drunk?
Yes, I believe so.
Hey you don't drink.
I do now, hog! I do now.
I still don't know what the HELL
happened.
I, I was... the perfect woman
pops into my life,
I tell her she's perfect and she
runs away faster than...
who's a fast woman?
Flo-Jo? Oh, shit, she's dead,
isn't she?
I'm going to make you some
coffee, man.
No I don't want coffee! I want
Danita!
I finally met a woman I feel
that that magical thing
assholes brag about at parties.
Please God, don't take her away
from me.
Not after I've waited so long.
You're out of coffee.
Swissmiss?
It's Danita.
What?
It's Danita.
Ha, ha, ha. That's twice, God.
Shit, you're good.
Hey...
Hi...
You're not gonna to run out
again, are you?
'Cause, this time, I'll just
order an appetizer.
I'm so sorry...
No, no, it's okay,
I was just trying to diffuse an
awkward moment.
Now I'm going to try and diffuse
this one.
I like you, Ricky. I really like
you.
I really, really, really like
you.
That's the most 'reallys' I've
ever said in one sentence.
Really?! Me too.
It's, it's funny because I've
always hated
ALL those movies where,
where a couple falls in love
right away,
but now I know it just pissed me
off 'cause
it had never happened to me.
I'm married.
You said I was perfect, Ricky.
I'm not perfect. I'm a... I'm a
jerk.
Yeah...
No I know it was wrong, I know.
Look, I've been married for nine
years. Nine miserable years.
And just one day, I was at my
friend Anna's place,
she's on E-Happily, and I saw
your profile.
It was so vulnerable, so wear
your heart on your sleeve sweet.
You, you said you'd been waiting
all your life
to meet your "heart-ner,"
and what a sweet word, and that
even though you were agnostic,
you prayed to God she was still
out there.
Wow, you really did read my
profile.
It got to me.
And I thought you know
maybe I don't have to be
miserable and...
I just joined so I can meet
you.
I just pretended to be single
and an artist,
I just pretended to be the
person
I used to be back when I was...
still alive and...
Do you really have cats?
Yes... Two. Sidney Crosby and
Chairman Meow.
Cool, that's all I cared about.
Now can you just get a divorce
and marry me by six tonight?
You're great, you're so great
know that?
I can never see you again,
Ricky.
Look you don't know my husband.
He'll just, he'll never allow me
to leave him.
Never allow a 'great man' like
him to be embarrassed...
Uh, who cares if his precious
ego is bruised,
you're miserable and we should
be together...
He'd kill me.
He would kill me. He's said
that, again and again,
"if you ever walk out that door,
you ungrateful bitch,
I will kill you."
Only he didn't say it quite as
nice.
Jesus.
Yeah he's a bad guy, Ricky. He's
a bad guy.
I didn't know that when I met
him, but oh god...
he'd kill both of us right now
if he saw us together.
That's interesting.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Ricky.
You...
you're "the one," and... I can
never see you again.
My Hickory Grilled Chicken
Sandwich isn't "hickory" enough.
Huh?
Am I not speaking English? I
said it lacked hickory.
Well... that's life.
What?
I, I'm sorry... sir.
You wanted more of something and
you were disappointed.
It hurts, doesn't it?
That's a little melodramatic.
Hello...
Holy shit-balls!
Yes, ya, ya, I will meet you
anywhere.
Where?
God, is it good to see you.
I wanted to meet you here...
this is my happy place.
I knew you'd love it too.
They um, they show movies up on
that wall...
over the graves of dead movie
stars.
They don't mind?
No one said anything.
Guess what movie they're playing
tonight, Ricky.
Um...
Guess.
Ahhhh "Cool Runnings?"
I'm, I'm... really bad at
guessing...
"Lost in America."
That's my favorite movie!
OMG, you read my whole profile.
Tonight was great.
I was so happy you called.
Beyond happy.
Exultant.
I don't think I've ever used
that word before.
I couldn't stop thinking about
you.
I can't go back to my old life
now.
I deserve to be happy. I...
I deserve someone like you.
So, when are you going to tell
your husband you're leaving him?
Christ, how are you going to
tell him
you're going to leave him.
I'm not going to tell him.
Uh but uh...
We have to kill him, Ricky.
That's the only way we can ever
be together.
Yeah, okay.
Danita wants me to kill her
husband.
Pardon?
She said if she ever tried to
leave him,
he'd find her and kill her.
Wow what an asshole.
Well, at least you got a chance
to say goodbye to her.
No, no, I'm going to do it.
Do what?
Kill her husband.
Ricky, you've never even killed
a spider.
Oh it doesn't have to be violent
you know.
I could kill him with pills or
you know,
a lethal injection or
something..
Lethal, lethal injection?
And you have access to lethal
injection?
This discussion right now.
Have you thought of this? What
if you get caught?!
So what.
So what? So what?
I'm lonely and I work at a place
called Debby's.
What exactly am I clinging onto
here?
Ricky sit down, have a seat,
sit.
I want you take six deep
breaths,
in and out and go to the
bathroom and take a leak.
What'll that do?
I don't know, but you're talking
crazy right now.
I'm not. I've never met anyone
like Danita and
I'll never meet anyone like
Danita again.
To think anything else would be
crazy.
Okay Ricky, Ricky she's married
and,
and she wants you to kill her
husband!
I know. But everything else is
perfect.
Look, when you meet your soulmate
and you're in your forties,
not everything is going to be
ideal.
This is more than baggage!!
Alright?!
Sorry, but I've made up my mind
up. I'm gonna kill this mofo.
Ricky look, I want you to do me
a favor, k.
I want you to go home and sleep
on it, okay?
We'll talk about it tomorrow
night over donuts.
There's nothing to sleep on.
Besides,
I can't let that angel be a
prisoner
in that monster's home anymore.
I'm, I'm doing it. With or
without your help.
My help?
What the hell is that suppose to
mean.
What do you mean by that? My
help.
Well I, I just figured, you'd
help me, since you know...
You're my primo amigo too.
Okay dog I'm in, but you are
gonna owe me big.
Thanks for opening up my world,
Danita.
I've never been to a juice bar
before.
You sure it's okay to leave
work?
I'm the manager.
I have a lot of clout, but I try
not to let it go to my head.
I thought we should talk now.
Ben's at work and...
Ben?
My husband.
Oh. You've, you've never
actually said his name before.
You okay?
Yeah, yeah, of course.
You don't have to do this...
No, no, it was just easier when
he didn't have a name.
"evil husband who will kill me
if I ever leave."
I don't want you to do this.
I can't believe I even asked you
to do this.
I just needed to get away from
him and be with you and...
It's okay, sweetheart. Please
don't be upset.
I still want to kill him.
Really?
Yes! Very much.
Oh I love you.
- I love you more.
- I love you more.
I love you more plus six.
You knocked like a human being.
Is anything wrong?
There's something you need to
see, man.
There's something you need to
see right now.
What's that?
An old movie with William Hurt
and Kathleen Turner.
You know, back when she looked
like a chick.
Yeah. I know, it's Body Heat. I
saw that movie.
With you.
Remember, neither of us could
get dates...
It's time to watch it again,
bebe!
Wow, wow that really holds up.
You know, lots of twists, it's
compelling, it's well-written...
Okay thank you, Rex Reed.
She pretended to fall in love
with the guy
so he would kill her husband!
But I actually thought was quite
nice,
as played by Richard Crenna,
and then she set him up for the
murder.
William Hurt trusted Kathleen
Turner!
I mean she was being all crude
and mysterious
there was all that saxophone
music and stuff
Okay common man, you aren't the
least bit dubious, dog?
Some '10' just roles into your
life,
and then tells you all this
crazy shit about her evil,
jealous husband, but then wait a
minute...
she has a bunch of time to hang
out with you,
so that's pretty weird...
Well ah, he obviously works.
Oh okay but wait hold on sec did
you guys, you guys..
Yeah you went on a date, right?
That was a night, so and then oh
you slept together which
I don't know what the fuck
you're talking about Ricky,
Oh well, well maybe, maybe he
was working that night,
or he was out of town,
or he went to sleep early...
you just can't stand to see me
happy, can you?
No Ricky, I do not trust this
woman.
Ah, ah okay. You don't trust any
woman.
I don't trust some woman who
wants you to kill her husband.
I trust her, completely.
And I am NOT going to let your
negativity creep
into my mind like a 'Trojan
Horse' virus!
That's a really bad computer
virus I once got on my laptop...
You hear me?!
I got to talk to you!
I'm working.
You came to my office. During
tax season!
It's the lunch rush, for god
sakes...
Look I followed Danita.
After you met her. I went to her
house. I, I saw her husband.
Yeah?
He's a rabbi.
What?
Her monster husband Ben is a
rabbi.
How the hell do you know he's a
rabbi?
Well he was wearing one of those
Jewish hats.
The... the... Yamaha.
He was wearing a yarmulke?
That's how you know he's a
rabbi?!
Okay don't talk down to me, hog.
I'm not an idiot, I know what
I'm doing.
I followed him. To a bookstore.
Okay, you're starting to lose me
here.
You didn't let me finish.
I followed him to a book store.
He use to be a rabbi.
Now he writes mystery novels.
About a 'crime solving Rabbi.'
He was doing a book signing.
Her evil husband is a mystery
novel writing former rabbi?
Yeah. I even read one of his
books.
In one sitting. I couldn't put
it down.
I, I can't believe a retired
rabbi
has gotten his books published
and I...
Look, this doesn't change
anything, you know.
He could still be a monster.
You know authors can be
egotistical pricks and,
and a lot of clergymen are, are
evil molesters.
No, no, hold on a second, no no.
There aren't any molesting
rabbis.
Only priests do that.
Yeah, yeah, you know maybe all
this makes more sense now.
Yeah!
She said that, that he was this
"great man"
to embarrass him and now we see
that he's this...
'published' author, this evil,
monstrous wife-threatening
published author...
Or, or he's just a nice guy like
Richy Crenna in Body Heat.
Just a nice, loaded guy who she
wants you to kill
so she can get all his money and
make you take the rap, Ricky.
This is stupid.
No, it isn't k. We have to know
if this guy's Hitler.
We can tell if he's Hitler from
a book signing?
I can. I can read people. I'm an
accountant.
You know it's probably not a
good idea for you to be here.
He can't see you, in you're the
guy pulling the trigger.
I, I haven't decided I'm going
to shoot him.
Shoot him, poison him, trip him,
whatever you want to do.
Trip him?
Yeah I don't know. Down a flight
of stairs or something.
You can't talk about this in
public.
What are you doing? Ricky what
are you doing?
You're right, right good call,
good call.
Hey, Mr. Jacobs.
Oh please, call me Ben.
Um, okay... Ben.
Yeah, any fan of mine is also a
friend.
That's... a pretty cool way of
looking at things.
Well seriously I wouldn't be
anywhere
without my loyal readers.
Right, right. I guess you
wouldn't...
Do you think it's okay to kill a
woman if she leaves you?
What? No!
No, no...
Why would you ask such a
question?
I don't know. Just making small
talk.
You please sign this. Make it
out to "Seth?"
Yeah...
There you go, man.
We still don't know he's not
Hitler.
Hitler doesn't sign books with a
smiley face.
Well, what did you expect him to
do,
foam at the mouth and rotate his
head 360 degrees?
To kill a woman if she's left
him, he was against it, so...
He's obviously not gonna admit
that he's okay......
Look, Ricky she's already lied
to you once.
How do you know she's not lying
about this too?
I don't think she'd lie to me
twice.
If, if I could just see them
together, I'd know.
You see now that's a good idea.
We'll just plant the camera in
their house!
You know how to do that?
But you know I once saw this
show once
Oh my god the bitch shaking the
baby,
stealing money, it was complete
disaster.
We'll just break into her house
and set one up.
You, you know how to break into
somebody's home?
You know, it's easy to piss on
every plan.
I'm, I'm sorry...?
Thank you!
You sure they come here?
The guy is a millionaire and he
takes her to "Olive Garden?"
This ain't Olive Garden, hog.
It's Pimento Garden.
How do they get away with that?
I dunno.
Okay great, looks like they're
not here yet.
You remember the plan right?
Don't, don't, look it's a good
plan okay!
You can make anything sound
ridiculous by 'shorthanding' it.
- Let's just go.
- No, no, no, noway amigo!
Look we go to make sure that
she's not a femme 'fatal'
like Kathleen Turner.
It's femme fatale and she is NO like Kathleen Turner!
Oh whatever, Sharon Stone or
Denise Richards
whatever you want...
Denise Richards?
- I don't remember that movie.
- You never saw Wild Things?
It was a classic, no?
Hey! How are you?
Hi... it's Seth, right?
Honey, this guy just came to a
book signing.
I never forget the face of a
fan.
How you doin'?
Wow, I can't, can't believe a
big-time author like you
what a small world, it's, it's a
small world
Isn't it, Ricky?
It's very small, it's very
small.
Okay well, it was really great
running into you, Ben,
we'll just let you get back to
having dinner in private
with your wife so bye bye.
Wai, wai, wait. Nonsense.
- Why don't you two join us?
- Pardon?
Well it's not every day an
author gets to converse
with one of his fans.
And besides you deserve a free
meal just for reading my books.
So what do you say, alright?
Great, common.
Good times...
Okay, okay, okay.
So Seth, tell me what is it you
like best about my books?
And please.
Don't spare a single detail.
Unless of course it's negative.
Well, I like everything about
them.
The suspense, the surprise
twists, the characters... ya I,
I love how the killer is always the
most unlikely, unassuming guy and...
Were you born in L.A?
Huh?
Uh, were, were you born in...
'Los An-gull-ese?'
Uh... was anybody?
Right...?
Well I was and Seth too.
Well, not Los Angeles, persay,
but Sherman Oaks.
I'm from Pittsburgh originally.
Know I, I first met Danita at a
Pimento Garden,
she was a waitress there and
I proposed to her on a Saturday
night and
we've been coming back to one
every Saturday since.
No matter where we've lived.
Awww
I didn't know that.
I mean, why, why, why would he
know,
why, why, why would he know...
why,
why that mean, it's very
romantic, it's very romantic...
Isn't it romantic, Ricky?
It's... Very romantic.
You, have been awfully quiet
tonight, honey.
No, no, no I'm just listening.
Well, you can talk too.
I mean it's allowed.
Thanks.
Hell, I'm a modern man.
Yes, that you are.
Modern enough to give his
beautiful wife
a little kiss in public.
Let's order.
Sorry, me hungry like a
'sumbitch.
Uhg..., that was great.
Benny you sure me and Ricky
can't kick in
at least for the Cherry Pepsi?
Out of the question. My treat,
please.
There ya go, thanks
Wow. What a nice guy.
Ya, I guess it's nice being a
millionaire writer,
never having to worry about
money.
Oh well, it wasn't always like
that, believe me.
I mean, it took me years and
years to make it as a writer
Wow, see, Ricky. I told you!
It's never too late.
Ricky wrote this really cool
book and then he just quit.
Aww. That's a shame.
I, I didn't write a book and I
didn't quit.
I just got, you know... eighty
pages into one,
a long time ago, and then I got
a real job so...
Well, I love to read it.
Excuse me?
I'd love to read your eighty
pages Ricky.
Here, I'll give you my card.
You can send it over and give me
a call in few days and
I'll give you some feedback.
Go on take it, it's okay.
I can't believe the man I'm
supposed to kill
is going to read my work.
I knew she was lying.
We still don't know that.
And she did seem uncomfortable
around him.
What are you talking about?
When he tried to kiss her,
she was uncomfortable, but he kept going.
He practically tongue-raped her.
Oh, whatever...
Oh ya. I forgot to tell you. I
met a woman on E-Happily too.
Yeah, she's actually hot, at
least her picture is, but...
oh umm, and if we ever do go on
a date and
by chance you happen run into
us,
she sort of thinks I am an
astronaut.
Hello...
Hi, honey. God, I'm still
shaking.
I, I can't believe we ran into
each other like that...
It is a small world.
You handled yourself great,
though.
Calm, poised, sort of, I hope I
did too.
Where is he?
He's downstairs, I can just talk
for a minute,
I wanted to die, him pawing at
me and kissing me like that.
I just needed to hear your
voice.
Umm, Umm, I'm glad you called.
Boy, he really didn't seem like
the monster I imagined.
Nooo, he's good at fooling
people.
Yeah Really good at it. I mean,
generous, affable...
He almost fooled me.
Do you think I'm lying to you,
Ricky?
No, no, it, it... I mean it's
just, a little odd.
You told me he's this evil guy
who threatened to kill you
and he used to be a rabbi...
How did you know that?
Huh? Seth told me.
He Googled him and checked his
website and...
You didn't just run into us
tonight, did you?
You knew we were going to be
there.
No, no. Okay, yeah, uh but you
know Seth just wanted
to make sure you weren't using
me or,
or trying to set me up...
Yeah, yeah of course. I, I trust
you, Danita.
Totally. I always have.
Goodbye, Ricky.
Hey, hog.
What are you doing here?
I'm meeting my E-Happily chick.
Hey look, I was wondering if you
can do me a solid,
maybe come over and break things
up
if she doesn't look like her
picture.
Oh, you know what you can do?
Say my Mom just died and I'm
needed at the cemetery...
No.
Hey! I'm helping you kill a guy.
Sorry. I should probably lower
my voice.
That's, that's not happening
anymore.
What?
Danita's pissed at me.
She thought I didn't just run
into her the other night.
She thought I went there because
I didn't trust her.
I don't, I don't want to pick
sides, the girl is right,
Because YOU put all that thought
in my head!
It's easy to be a Monday morning
quarterback and
blame it all on me, but...
That's her! She IS her picture,
wish me luck, dog.
Snail.
Could you come by our table and
ask me something 'astronaut-y.'
Hello, Seth.
Um, maybe we should get a table?
Yes! Oh yes, of course, yes. I
have a lot of pull here.
So Garcon.
That is French.
And why wouldn't you know that?
I'm a moron.
Relax, tonight you're going to
get paid and laid.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
It was a phrase I took from your
profile.
I thought it was very funny.
Oh, oh right! I see! Ah shit I
thought you were serious.
Pardon my French. And I
apologize for that.
I didn't mean to imply that
French is course,
or, or that it is obscene or
that it is a gutter language.
French is not a gutter language
All my life, I had been looking
for my prince.
Danita, I, I, I need to talk to
you, please call me back...
Look I'm sorry I didn't trust
you,
but Seth kept making me watch
"Body Heat" and
and "Wild Things"...
Jesus, Seth!
Talk to me.
Look, look, it's my fault k.
Seth got into my head and
I started obsessing and getting
all suspicious, but,
but that's no excuse
I was using you.
What...
At first.
I've told you the truth about my
husband.
He would kill me if I tried to
leave him.
He controls every dime of mine
so I could never pay to have
somone... one day,
I went on a dating service to
look for someone desperate.
And they just... matched me up
with you.
I, I, I figured that any man
willing to go on a date
with a woman without even seeing
her picture,
might be willing to go along
with just about anything.
No but then I met you and it
just... everything changed.
I just... fell in love with
you.
Uh-huh...
I did, Ricky, I did. I, I really
did. I'll be honest.
At first when I read your
profile,
I couldn't believe anyone that
sweet could actually exist.
I mean I even snickered when I read the
word "heart-ner" the first time...
then I met you and...
you were just... you are that
sweet in person and...
I love you,
I love you from the bottom of my
heart, Ricky.
And I, I know you have no reason
to believe me, but I-
Goodbye, Danita.
Yeah okay, I guess that's what I
deserve.
Goodbye, Ricky. I'm so sorry,
Ricky.
You're my soulmate and I screwed
it all up.
Swear on Albert Brooks.
What?
Swear on Albert Brooks that you
love me.
If you're lying, he'll be struck
dead.
And also one of your cats.
I swear.
I swear on Albert Brooks and
Chairman Meow.
I love you, I love you Ricky.
With all my heart.
Oh God. I love you too, Danita!
Um listen, uh... there's
something
I probably should have told you.
Um well it's something you've
probably noticed already.
My... whole head was a lie.
It's okay, you look more
beautiful without your makeup.
It's back on.
What?
"Operation Kill The Rabbi."
It's a go
Pound it.
What, what exactly... is our
"Operation?"
You know what, I don't know.
I was thinking shoot him, trip
him?
Right now is not a good time,
bebe.
Up to my ass in "1099's. Okay.
You want me to give your husband
my novel?
Yes. Just like he asked.
Then you can come over one night
to... discuss it,
face to face, where you can
absorb all his comments and
then you'll have the perfect
opportunity-
I'm not sure it's ready.
What?
The eighty pages.
You know, I haven't even proofed
it yet and...
You're not sending it to him so
he'll give it to his agent!
You're giving it to him so you
can get invited
into his home and kill him.
It's just, it's been a real long
time
since anyone's read my stuff and
I...
Sorry, I'm reaally nervous.
Me too, honey.
Maybe we shouldn't do this.
Maybe we can just get in your
car and drive away,
far away, you and me, right now.
I'd have to give Debby's two
weeks notice.
Sorry, I was sure you were
kidding.
Let's just get away.
Maybe he won't kill me like he
says he will.
Yeah, okay, he's killed before,
but...
Oh yeah he killed his first
wife.
And they couldn't prove it, but
he did.
The prick even made it into the
plot of his first, first book.
Genius murderer gets away with
killing a cheating wife.
Christ...
His family warned me.
Till the day I married him, it's
just I never listened.
No, no, no hey, at least you
have good taste in men now.
"How to buy a gun..." Oh Shit.
They can trace Google searches,
idiot!
Uh, uh, smiley face? "LOL"...
Hey, man, can I talk to you for
a second?
Sure. What up, dog?
I'm gonna need some more time
off.
Yeah, okay, 'whatev's.'
Oh, hey, you know, Jorge there's
something I,
I always wanted to ask you.
Um do you know anybody who sells
guns?
Excuse me?
Oh well, it's for my... father.
He likes to hunt deer... I, I
don't condone it, but you know,
gives him pleasure and his
birthday is coming up so...
Why would you think I would know
somebody who sells guns, huh?
'Cause I'm Hispanic?
No, no, of course not.
I, I didn't mean anything.
Honestly...
it's just that this is how
stereotypes get perpetuated and...
Couldn't agree more and I'm
sorry I asked.
You know what? I just
remembered.
My brother and sister sell guns.
This is stupid... shouldn't we
be at a,
a shooting range or something.
Witnesses, dog.
Use your head, k.
It's totally discreet here.
Ah! Ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, that
was discreet.
Couldn't you have asked the
busboy
for a silencer or something?
Sorry, first gun, forgot to ask
for accessories.
Alright, you know what, I'll
show you how to do it, hog.
You got to.., aim the, aim the.
Now don't hold the trigger yet,
no, no don't hold...
what are you a gangster...
Put it straight up, okay,
now make sure your forearm needs
to be in line with the barrel.
Needs to be in line...
no straight,
don't turn your elbow in or else
you're going to loop.
This is going to dislocate
immediately.
Okay look, no, no, no, you got
to stay, you got to stay square.
Okay you have no power there.
Look at it through that eye.
The eye closest to the, to the.
You know what, you don't have to
shoot him.
No, no, no. I want to shoot him.
That's how this murderer
deserves to die.
Murderer?
Well yeah, he killed his first
wife, totally got away with it.
No, no, no, I think you're
thinking of Ben's first book,
which is a great read by the
way.
I highly recommend it.
No, no, Danita told me he did
that.
In real life.
How do you know she's telling
the truth now?
I looked into her eyes.
Oh, good, great, I feel really
good about this now.
Did you at least think to Google
the guy
to see if he even HAD a first
wife?
Okay, okay. You know what your
problem is?
Seriously, seriously you know, I
think you need to hear it.
This may hurt you but I...
I really think you need to hear
it.
Okay Dr. Phil, what's my
problem?
Okay, you are so emotionally
immature,
so afraid of any kind of serious
relationship that
you mistrust every woman so you
don't have to make a commitment.
I see...
Yeah, I mean, I'm your best
friend,
so I really felt like I had to
say it.
Really?
Then why did I propose to Tracey
at the end of our first date?
I was going to surprise you with
the news.
Tonight. Over a hot dog and
soup.
But nooo you had to ruin it by
saying
all those hurtful, hurtful,
hurt...
Yeah, I dunno, I guess I was hit
by lightning too, dog.
I mean... she's attractive and
she said I was her type...
and nobody ever tells me I'm
their type...
so the words "will you marry
me",
I dunno they just kinda of
slipped out of my mouth,
like 'sappy Tourette's' or
something like that.
Andx what did she say?
Yes! She said yes! We're getting
married in a month.
Wow, wow, that is unbeliev...
I'm, I'm proud of you, man.
Thank you Ricky, me too.
Actually I told her I wasn't an
astronaut
about a half hour after I popped
the question.
She was a little weirded out by
that,
but she didn't retract her "yes"
and...
No, no, no, I'm happy for you.
It's just...
now I'm the LAST guy from high
school to never be married.
Ricky, you got to keep your arm
in line with the barrel!
Ben Jacobs, author, first wife
I'm so sorry I didn't trust you,
Danita.
I'll never use Google again.
Hello...
Mr. Jacobs.
It's, it's Ricky. You know, the,
the 80-page writer.
Ricky! Hey!
Oh... yeah... I hope I'm not
bothering you, but I,
I just wanted to let you know that
I just messengered you my book...
Oh excellent. Well I'm really
looking forward to reading it.
Listen, uh, uh after you read
it,
I'd love to talk to you, uh, uh,
face to face,
so I can absorb all your
comments, you know, so, uh...
Why don't you come over for
dinner?
That's... just what I was about
to ask you. Um, I mean,
I hope it's not too much
trouble.
No, no, trouble at all.
How's Sunday?
Thanks bye.
Oh, I just got off the phone
with Ricky and
he's coming over for dinner
Sunday night.
Ricky?
Yeah, I'm... reading his book,
honey, remember.
Oh yeah, right... yeah
Is it okay with you that I
invited him to dinner?
Of course.
Okay good.
Hi, baby.
What's wrong?
I think Ben may know about us.
Christ!
Sorry.
No. Why?!
Cause, might, you know, he may
try and kill me first.
Oh, right.
Hey.
No, what am I saying?
He'd never kill you in his own house.
He'd take you somewhere else.
How do we know he doesn't have
after-dinner plans?
Ah... I bet he was just trying
to scare me. You know what,
if he really thought we were having
an affair, you'd be dead already.
Oh... key-doke.
I love you, Ricky.
I love you more, plus seven.
Oh, after dinner, he'll take you up
to his office to discuss your book,
so as soon as he walks up the
first few steps,
just shoot him twice in the back
of the head.
Oh, I should probably make sure
he gets up first.
Cause otherwise, if I walked in
front of him,
I'm going to have to reach around him
to get access to the back of his head
I'm... sorry, I'm rambling.
You'll do great.
Thank you, baby.
Please stop staring at me Jesus.
K, cool.
You can't barely see your face.
Why you wearing a Minnesota cap?
Oh, it's, it's a Montreal Royals
cap.
It's, it's the first minor league
team Jackie Robinson played for,
I mean you saw that movie?
Harrison Ford and Chadwick Boseman,
it was really, it was a were superb.
And, and a delightful turn by
John C. McGinley...
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Just
relax, okay?
All you have to do is kill a guy
while his back is turned.
Okay and don't forget,
the barrel of the gun should be
in line with your forearm-
Oh will shut up with that
alright!
Trying to help, Ricky.
I'm sorry I yelled, man.
Yeah, well, I mean I guess you
got a lot on your plate.
Look um, when the deed is down
just text me...
"the rabbi sleeps with the
gefilta fishes",
I'll help you guys dump the
body, okay?
You're a primo amigo plus, man.
You know that?
I gotta...
You got to go.
Yeah I got...
You got, you got.
It's okay honey, you keep on
writing. I'll get the door.
How you doing?
Okay. I think.
Hello, Ricky.
Welcome to our house.
Ben will be out in a minute.
You really do have cats. I love
you.
I love you.
Ricky... Hi welcome.
So, are you nervous?
Excuse... me?
Are you nervous?
Why would I be nervous?
Because you're getting an
evaluation on your work tonight
by a best-selling author.
Right. Yeah.
Yeah I'm nervous as shit.
How's your Chicken Diablo,
Ricky?
You barely touched it.
Oh, yeah, yeah, sorry, here we
go.
Delicious.
Tres succulent.
Yeah, Danita is a great cook.
I, I sometimes forgotten that
because
I let her order food a lot,
oh let her...
well, you know I spoil her a
little bit.
Don't I, honey?
Yes, you're very generous.
Oh hey, I wasn't fishing for a
compliment, but thanks.
You're welcome
I really liked your book, Ricky.
Thank you...
I know I said I was going talk
to you about it after dinner,
to tell you how much I liked it.
You sure you don't want to wait
until after dinner and
talk to him upstairs,
you know, in your office where
you won't be distracted...
What did you like about it?
Oh I, I liked the characters,
the pacing but why in the world
did you stop after eighty
pages?
I mean I can't wait to see how
it ends.
Wow? Really?
But don't know time passes and
you of lose perspective...
you really liked the pacing?
Sorry, I'm just I... not used to
praise.
Well, you better get used to it.
Because after you finish it,
I plan on sending it to my
publisher.
Oh my god, thank you!! Oh my...
But I did have a few notes for
you.
Uhm and I think Danita's right.
We can probably focus better
upstairs.
So after dinner. In my office.
Is that okay, Ricky?
Yeah, yeah that's, that's cool.
Excellent, great.
Yeah, I'm really looking forward
to it.
Me too.
Oh hey, you think there's any
chance that we could uh,
uh... call the,
the publisher right now and you
know get,
get the ball rolling?
You know what, notes first I
think.
Well, let me put the dishes
away.
You two go upstairs and have
your little talk.
She still insists on cleaning up
herself,
even though I can easily afford
help.
Ahh, she's great.
Isn't she great, Ricky?
Yes. Very nice.
Glad you agree.
Okay, time for the big moment.
You ready?
Oh God, I hope so.
Oh common, let's go do this,
common.
Uhm, well, why don't you lead
the way.
Since, it... is your house.
Why don't we go somewhere else
and talk about your book.
Somewhere a little more
inspiring.
Oh and honey, you come too.
I think it's going to be fun.
Thanks for driving, honey.
Gives me more time to chat with
Ricky.
Where... are we going?
To a very special place.
This place is very important to
me.
It's where I first came up with
the idea...
that my wife was cheating on me
with a loser like you.
I'm sorry, honey, I lied to you.
That night you thought I was
doing a book signing,
I was actually parked right over
there... Yeah.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
It was all my fault.
Just please don't hurt him...
Hey, hey, can you please just
shut the fuck up, honey?
I'm trying to converse with our
dinner guest.
Don't swear at her.
How chivalrous, Ricky.
You know, I'm surprised you're
still single.
You're a real catch.
Look, why don't you just let her
go?
You, you don't even love her.
Wow. That is just so impressive.
You know exactly what's in my
heart.
You don't have a heart.
Now you see, that one hurt.
Ben, please, please no, please
no.
I'll stay with you, I'll do
anything you want...
I TOLD YOU TO SHUT UP!
Whoa, hey!
Don't ever do that again,
wife-killer.
Now, now Ricky, that was never
proven.
And it never will be.
Oh, come on.
We both know a little
restaurant manager like you
doesn't have the guts to pull
that trigger.
Y...Yes, Yes... I... do.
That might have sounded more
persuasive
without the stammering.
You know, this has been hard,
Ricky, you know,
really hard, going through this
farce.
Eating with you, being friendly
to you,
reading your book.
Yeah, I think that was the
hardest part.
Reading your book.
Yeah. It wasn't easy to pretend
that crap was good.
I mean it was just awful, poorly
written, run-on sentences,
a clumsy attempt at suspense and
wit, terrible pacing...
He's... dead.
Holy shit!
You did it, dog.
Pound it.
Hi, Danita. How's it going?
Um... okay. Thanks for helping
Seth.
No problem...
He's still alive!
No Sorry. False alarm.
Hah that's just the wind.
He's still dead.
Okay, you better go home.
You sure I can't help you dump
the body?
Oh honey, that is so sweet, but
everything has to look normal.
You have to show everybody
you're home.
Answer every phone call, turn on
a bunch of lights...
- I love you.
- I love you.
I love you more.
I love you more, plus eight.
Don't, don't drive so fast.
You're serious? You just killed
a guy.
You worried about a speeding
ticket?
I don't want a cop to stop us,
idiot!
Right, right, right.
I'm sorry, I'm nervous, why am I
so nervous?
There's a dead body in the trunk
and you're an accountant.
You work at Debby's, that's not
that much more macho.
No, I didn't mean it as a dig.
Of course you didn't.
That's not a good dig.
I'm so nervous!
Okay... "Plan A." We dump him in
the ocean.
Won't we need to rent a boat or
something?
We can't just place him in the
shallow end.
And you're not that great of a
swimmer.
I'm, I'm not that bad. I'm not
that bad.
C'mon, you never even go in the
deep end.
I was accidentally dropped in a
pool by my mother
when I was a baby. It was very
traumatic.
I know, I know I'm sorry.
Ah crap, it's almost midnight.
We wouldn't even be able to rent
a boat if we wanted to.
See... I got it, I got it.
We'll dump him off a cliff!
Becau.. no we can't right,
because you have a fear of heights...
condominium when I was little.
Oh...
Sorry to put this murdering scum
beside you, Mr. Dead Movie Star.
Hey... Hey... Hey!
Oh, sorry, sorry... what is it?
You okay, man? Shit, man.
You've been like in your own
world the last two weeks.
No, no, I'm fine. What is it?
That guy over there wants to
talk to you.
Jesus!
Wha, what does he want?
I don't know, man. He said he
wants to talk to you.
Okay, thanks.
Hello, Officer. Uh, you, wanted
to talk to me?
You Ricky Miller?
Yeah, yeah.
I got something I got to ask
you.
Okay...
You know this woman?
No.
Oh, oh. Oh wait... I do, I do.
That's a... this is, this is my
Aunt Toby.
I knew it. Me and you are
related, man.
Yeah! Toby Miller, she my aunt.
She once mentioned she had a
nephew who manages a Debby's.
But I'm really big into that
'family tree' kind of thing...
No, no, it's, it is not dumb at
all, it is,
it is great that you care about
family trees.
I mean it's, it's fucking
fantastic.
Hi, honey. I'm home.
Ricky...
I've missed you so much.
It's been so hard not even being
able to text you.
I know, I know. But we have to
be careful.
That's why it was so smart to
meet here.
No one would expect to find a
Jew in here.
You're Jewish?
No. I thought you were.
You know, cause you're married
to the...
He was a rabbi who liked shiksas
and he also ate pork.
The police have been questioning
me.
I think they always suspect the
spouse first.
At least they do on "48 Hours"
and "American Justice."
Wait, you watch those shows
too?!
Oh, those are my two favorite
shows on TV!
Wait, have you ever seen "True
Crime with Aphrodite Jones?"
Shut up! I love that.
It is bat-shit crazy how much we
have in common.
I love you so much, baby.
I love you more plus... wait
what are we at?
Nineteen.
Nineteen. Twenty.
Sooooo, what do you think?
I don't know...
I'm getting married on Saturday.
I want to look dapper.
Which one?
Oh Sorry. That one!
Yeah, yeah I thought so too,
it's definitely the better...
less blue... good..hey, where's
Danita?
I've been trying to get hold of
her
to invite her to the wedding-
You can't invite her!
I have to invite her. She's your
girlfriend.
Are you insane? We can't be seen
together.
Alright, alright, relax,
I couldn't get a hold of her
anyway.
She probably changed her number
and
then I went by her house and her
neighbor said
she saw her leaving with a bunch
of suitcases.
Where was she going, man?
Oh Shit, you knew, you knew
that, right?
Hey guys...
Hey... Ricky.
There he is huh?
It's Saturday night and you are
gonna dooooo it.
Time for you to get paid and
laid and
find yourself a soulmate, huh?
No... I already got hit by
lightning and found a soulmate.
Now it's time for me to get
killed by a terrorist.
Oh C'mon Ricky, you'll meet
someone else.
Look, it took me over forty
years to find the first one.
Now it'll take at least that,
and by then I'll be in hell.
That's not true.
You're such a sweet man, Ricky.
And why would you ever go to
hell?
God, I can't keep this in
anymore.
About nine months ago, I...
He stole a Snapple.
He stole a Snapple, he's been
bent up about it ever since,
The Snapple that you stole,
from the store.
Yeah, I stole a Snapple. Just
for the thrill.
Hey!
Hey, cuz!
Hey.
Hey, hey, good to see you again.
How's it goin'?
Not bad, can't complain...
How's work?
Ah, you know. So how's... work
for you?
Interesting...
was at the station before when a
serial killer came in and
confessed to a bunch of murders.
He even confessed to killing
that guy, what's his name,
the author who died last year...
Ben Jacobs!
Um, I, I... believe that was his
name.
There, there were those
articles on, the internet-
Ben Jacobs, that's it... yeah!
So... so someone confessed?
Yeah.
Holy shit!
Yeah, I tell ya, you get these
nut jobs that come in,
they confess to murders they
didn't even commit,
but this guy... really
convincing.
Yeah, I wasn't even there and I
believe him.
So we arrested him and I hope
the bastard fries!
I hope he fries and they hang
him.
That's a little excessive, cuz.
Holly shit.
You again, God?
Oh that was so sweet... and a
little sick.
Why would you let an innocent,
um...
serial killer get punished for
something I did?
My life is over anyway.
You like "Lost in America" too?
Oh my god.
You must have hated me.
You must have thought I ran away
and that I'd never come back.
Yeah, it kind of crossed my
mind.
The police were starting to
suspect me, more and more,
so I ditched my phone, any
record of you and...
I knew we wouldn't be able to
stay away from each other.
So I got on a plane and flew
half way around the world and
just kept of flying and kept on
running...
and then... I heard something on
the news about a killer
that was arrested back in
America
for the murder of Ben Jacobs.
I'm pretty sure he's innocent.
Me too.
The police seem to believe him
though.
It's crazy... how could this
happen...
I pray to a deranged deity.
I'm so sorry, Ricky.
You must have thought I was one
of those... you know,
'movie bitches, ' like Seth kept
warning you about...
No, no, I could never think you're
one of those bitches, never.
Okay, maybe a few, times, okay,
several times,
in my, smallest, darkest
moments...
oh my god, I love you.
I love you more, plus infinity.
I love you more, plus double
infinity.
I love you more, plus triple...
oh, Holy shit-balls, you win.
I was a... widow,
and I thought it was too late to
meet a soulmate,
that I'd have a better chance of
getting hit by lightning,
and then one day, the perfect
guy appeared.
I used to work here, but then I
met Danita, my inspiration,
my, my muse, and a, now I've
written two best-sellers and
one of them might even be made
into a movie...
with Ashton Kutcher.
And he's gotten me to start
painting again too.
We both love cats and hockey and
Albert Brooks and
going out to romantic places...
Though, we do tend to disagree
from time to time...
About... who loves who more.
Fuck you, Ricky and Danita.
Every Heart Needs a Heart'ner
Closed Captioning
Rev13 Films Inc