( match lights )
Max: THERE'S A WAR GOING ON
EVERY NIGHT IN HOLLYWOOD.
( dance music playing )
BOYS TRYING TO GET LAID.
AND GIRLS TRYING
TO GET PAID.
( cash register dings )
NOW MOS BACHELOR PARTIES SUCK.
IT'S JUST A BUNCH
OF DRUNKEN DUDES
HUDDLED AROUND
A SKANKY STRIPPER.
BUT THIS ONE
WAS THE SHIT...
AND ALL BECAUSE OF THIS GUY--
JOHNNY EYELASH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
SARAH?
MY SHOE BROKE.
SARAH,
HOLD ON, LOOK.
THERE YOU GO.
( gasps )
YOU'RE THE BEST!
( laughing )
( men chattering )
Max: THIS IS A STORY
OF LOVE AND ROMANCE...
( men yelling )
AND WHAT COULD BE MORE ROMANTIC
THAN WHORES ON ALL FOURS
WITH STICKS POKING OU OF THEIR ASSES?
( cheering )
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT...
NOTHING!
BUT IT WASN' ALWAYS LIKE THIS.
OH, NO.
COME ON,
LET'S FUCK.
UH, NO, I CAN'T.
I GOTTA GET UP FOR WORK.
BUT YOU'RE GONNA
TAKE ME HOME, RIGHT?
UH, YEAH, YEAH.
I'M GONNA TAKE YOU HOME.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL
YOUR FRIENDS ABOUT THIS,
ARE YOU?
NO...AND YOU BETTER NO TELL NOBODY, EITHER.
IT LOOK LIKE YOU
WERE ABOUT TO TELL
EVERY GODDAMN BODY.
Max: THERE'S A CERTAIN TYPE
OF WOMAN IN L.A.
FROM HERE ON OUT,
WE'LL CALL THEM "THE ENEMY."
ACTUALLY, FAHID,
THE LAW IS ON PAGE'S SIDE.
THE INJURY
WAS SUSTAINED AT WORK,
THUS YOUR RESPONSIBILITY.
SHE WAS DRUNK!
SO WHAT?
THERE ARE
VERY SPECIFIC RULES.
YOU WON'T BE ABLE
TO GET ANY GIRLS
TO WORK HERE FOR MONTHS.
YOU KNOW WE CAN DO IT.
I SAW YOU
ALL OVER HIM!
IF LOVE IS A BATTLEFIELD,
THEN THIS IS THE FRONT LINE.
I WANT MY HAIR!
THAT'S WHAT YOU GET!
WHAT ARE YOU GUYS
FIGHTING ABOUT?
WHO THE HELL ARE YOU GUYS?
SHE WENT HOME WITH
MY TUESDAY/THURSDAY,
AND I REALLY LIKED HIM.
SHE WAS STILL
FUCKING WORKING.
YOU'RE FIGHTING
OVER A CUSTOMER?
YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS REALLY
ISN'T ANY OF YOUR FUCKING
BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?
I KNOW,
BUT CAN YOU TALK,
PLEASE.
WHATEVER!
UHH!
GIVE ME BACK MY HAIR!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HAVEN'T CHECKED MY EMAIL
IN WEEKS.
WHAT?
YOU HAVE AN EMAIL ACCOUNT?
OF COURSE I DO.
WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM?
NOTHING. JUST...
YOU GIRLS ARE FIGHTING
OVER A GUY WHO MOST LIKELY
COULDN'T CARE LESS
ABOUT EITHER ONE OF YOU
EXCEPT FOR TO STICK IT IN.
SHE STARTED IT.
WHAT IS HIS NAME?
SHAWN.
LAST NAME?
UM, I DON'T KNOW,
BUT I KNOW HE WORKS
AT THE BEAUTY BAR.
OH, LOOK.
HERE WE GO.
SHAWN, 6'1",
SOUR MILK BREATH.
YEAH, THAT'S HIM.
THREE STARS IN BED?
LIKE THE RESTAURAN SYSTEM?
NO, SWEETIE, OUT OF TEN.
YEAH.
OH, LOOK...HPV.
YEAH, THAT'S HIM.
WHAT?
( mouths )
THAT MOTHERFUCKER.
OOH, LET ME SEE.
OH, MY GOD.
HOW DO YOU KNOW
ALL THIS STUFF?
WE WERE JUST SO OVER
THE LYING, THE GAMES,
THE CHEATING,
SO WE STARTED A GROUP
WITH OUR FRIENDS
TO LOOK OUT FOR EACH OTHER.
WOW.
THIS THING IS AMAZING.
( crying )
IT WAS...
IT WAS SIX YEARS,
AND...
AND IT ENDED
SO SUDDENLY.
YEAH, I KNOW,
I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND.
AND I THOUGH THAT THIS WOULD HELP,
BUT IT DOESN'T.
NO, I GET IT. I GET IT.
I WAS WALKING HOME
FROM THE BAR,
AND I SEE THIS CHICK
SITTING AT THE BUS STOP.
SHE WASN'T THE HOTTEST,
BUT SHE WAS OK
FOR THAT TIME OF NIGHT.
ANYWAY, WE GET TO TALKING,
AND BEFORE YOU KNOW IT,
SHE'S COMING HOME WITH ME.
I JUST GOT TO
GET MY STUFF.
THEN I SEE
SHE'S GOT THIS BIG PLASTIC BAG
WITH ALL HER STUFF IN IT.
SHE'S A VAGABOND.
SHE'S PUTTING
THE "HO" IN HOMELESS!
BUT I WAKE UP,
AND SHE'S CHECKING
HER EMAIL.
I MEAN,
THAT MAKES SENSE.
I MEAN, WHERE ELSE
SHE GONNA CHECK
HER EMAIL?
SHE AIN'T GOT NO WIRELESS
INTERNET IN THE BUSHES.
WAIT.
I THINK I'M GONNA BE SICK.
OKAY.
( grunts )
( panting )
THAT IS OUR DATERBASE,
AND ANY TIME ONE OF US
MEETS A GUY,
WE PUT ALL HIS INFORMATION
IN THERE.
OKAY, BUT WHAT FOR?
WE USED TO BE
JUST LIKE YOU TWO--
YOUNG AND INNOCENT.
RIGHT NOW, YOU'RE PREY
FOR GUYS LIKE HIM.
HE DOESN'T CARE
'CAUSE THERE'S
SO MANY GIRLS IN HOLLYWOOD,
THERE'S NO ACCOUNTABILITY.
BUT ORGANIZED
AND TOGETHER,
IDIOTS LIKE HIM,
THEY DON'T STAND A CHANCE.
SO IT'S LIKE A TRADE UNION
FOR HOT CHICKS?
WE GOT A SMART ONE HERE,
WENDY.
EXACTLY.
GIVE IT A TRY.
GO OUT THERE RIGHT NOW
AND DO A DOUBLE ACT.
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.
OH, I DON'T KNOW.
GO AHEAD, GO.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, BRO?
WHAT HAPPENED WITH THAT CHICK?
DUDE, SHE WAS FINE.
OHH. YEAH, MAN,
I WAS OUTSIDE WITH HER
AND HER FRIEND, RIGHT?
OH, NO, THE BUSTED ONE?
YEAH, YEAH,
THE BUSTED ONE.
AND, UM, YOU KNOW,
SHE WAS GETTING A TEX FROM SOME DUDE,
AND THEN SHE JUS BROKE OUT,
AND I WAS THERE
WITH THE FRIEND,
AND SHE SAID SHE LIVED
AROUND THE CORNER,
AND I WAS...
REALLY?
YEAH, MAN, I WAS
TORE UP DRUNK, MAN.
I SAID FUCK IT.
YEAH, MAN, I MEAN,
SHE DID HAVE NICE TITS,
THOUGH.
BRO, WE HAVE GO TO DO BETTER.
( belches )
HEY, BRO, WHEN YOU
TAKE THINGIE HOME,
CAN YOU TAKE
THIS ONE HOME, TOO?
MAYBE HIT A DRIVE-THRU.
OH, YEAH, MAN, I GOT YOU,
BUT WE LEAVING NOW.
OH, HEY,
NICE TO MEET YOU.
HOPE EVERYTHING
WORKS OUT OKAY.
HEY.
HI.
YEAH, MAN, I GOTTA
TAKE THESE HOS HOME,
MAN.
AW, SHIT!
THAT'S MY NEIGHBOR,
JOHNNY EYELASH,
COMING HOME
WITH TWO BOMB CHICKS
RIGHT NOW.
HE GOT MORE GAME
THAN A PHEASANT HUNT.
LET'S GO.
HE GONNA CLOWN ME
WHEN HE SEES ME
WITH THESE GIRLS.
COOL OUT. SQUEEZE THAT.
WE GONNA GO IN A SECOND.
YOU'VE SEEN THE ASS,
NOW FLASH THE CASH.
FOUR TITTIES
AND THE PRICE OF ONE.
DIG DEEP, GENTLEMEN,
DIG REAL DEEP.
?
? CAN YOU DO IT?
? DO I
? CAN YOU DO IT?
? DO I
? CAN YOU DO IT?
? I, I DON'T THINK YOU CAN
YOU WERE LATE FOR WORK
A MINUTE AGO.
YEAH.
WHAT'S ALL THIS
CLOWNING BUSINESS?
HEY, MAN,
I'M GONNA CALL YOU
BACK, MAN.
IS THIS YOUR HOUSE
OR YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE?
WE CAN ALL LEAVE NOW,
OR I CAN PULL
THE FUCKING FIRE ALARM
ON MY WAY OUT.
ALL RIGHT, FINE.
WOULD YOU ALL
CHILL OUT?
RELAX, MAN.
YOU ALL AIN'T GO NOWHERE TO BE?
( screaming )
OH, MY GOD!
WE GOT TWENTIES!
I WANT TO JOIN YOUR CLUB.
I WANT TO JOIN YOUR CLUB.
ME TOO!
WHAT'S IT CALLED?
THE NAME IS T.O.B.
T.O.B.?
JUST COME ON SATURDAY,
AND YOU'LL SEE.
OKAY.
WHERE'S YOUR CRAP CAR?
MY HEAD HURTS.
I'M REALLY HUNGRY.
DO YOU HAVE AN ASPIRIN?
MY MOUTH TASTES LIKE ASS.
I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY.
JUST GIVE YOUR APPLE,
TELL HER SHE'S PRETTY,
YOU'LL BE FINE.
WHOA, THOSE CHICKS
ARE BUSTED.
GIVES A WHOLE NEW MEANING
TO THE PHRASE
"WALK OF SHAME," HUH?
HEY, LADIES.
YEAH.
MAX.
WHAT'S UP, MAN?
GOT YOUR HANDS FULL,
HUH, LOVERBOY?
YEAH.
HEY, LATER, MAN.
HERE, UH,
THIS GET YOU, UM,
WHEREVER YOU'RE GOING.
FIVE BUCKS? REALLY?
YEAH. UH, OKAY.
HOW ABOUT THIS? HERE.
VIENNA SAUSAGES?
REALLY?
UM, YEAH.
THEY'RE NON-PERISHABLE.
NO, NO,
I JUST MEAN--
FUCK YOU!
ALL RIGHT.
UH, EMAIL ME.
( door slams )
( horn honks )
WHOO!
( indistinct singing )
FUCK YOU GUYS!
ASSHOLES!
WHAT THE FUCK'S UP
WITH YOU HAIR TODAY?
WHY YOU ALWAYS TALKING ABOU MY SHIT, MAN? JUST TELL ME
WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.
OH, ANYWAY, SO,
THESE TWO CHICKS
COME IN, RIGHT?
FUCKIN' SMOKIN'.
BIG FAKE TITS, YOU KNOW.
AND, UH, YOU KNOW,
I'M BUSY, BUT...
HOW CAN I RESIST?
BUT AS SOON AS THEY LEFT,
I GET THIS FEELING
I'VE BEEN CHUMPED.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
LIKE THEY'RE TRYING TO
PUT ONE OVER ON ME.
LIKE THEY'RE NO REALLY INTO ME,
LIKE THEY'RE PRETENDING.
YEAH.
SO, LATER,
I'M PRINTING UP
THE T-SHIRTS,
IT ALL STARTS
TO MAKE SENSE.
"WE HOLD THESE TRUTHS
TO BE SELF-EVIDEN
THAT ALL MEN
ARE CREATED ASSHOLES"?
I MEAN, IT'S LIKE THEY
CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH US.
NOW THEY HAVE WHAT?
MAN-HATING CLUBS?
OH, MY GOD!
OH, GEE!
JESUS,
WATCH WHERE THE FUCK
YOU'RE GOING!
MAN,
I'M SO SORRY, BROTHER.
ARE YOU OKAY, MAN?
NO, I'M NOT OKAY.
( sniffs )
SMELLS DANK IN THERE, MAN.
I GOT YOU.
WE COOL?
WHAT IS THIS,
A FUCKING BAG OF WEED?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
HOW ABOUT YOU CALL
AN AMBULANCE?
NO NEED TO CONCERN
THE AUTHORITIES.
THAT'S NEARLY
HALF AN OUNCE.
COME ON, MAN,
WHAT CAN I DO?
LET'S MAKE THIS RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT YOU LET HER
COME RUB IT BETTER?
DO ME A FAVOR...
DUDE, HE IS ALWAYS
WITH THE BOMB CHICKS.
MAYBE WE CAN GET HIM
TO INTRODUCE US TO SOME.
SHIT, OR MAYBE SHOW US
EVEN HOW HE GE SOME OF THOSE CHICKS.
YEAH, I'M DOWN.
AAH.
WHERE DOES IT HURT?
IT'S RIGHT OVER HERE.
YEAH.
UH, HEY, MAN, I KNOW
HOW YOU CAN HELP US OUT.
ALL RIGHT, NAME IT.
WHY DON'T YOU TEACH US
HOW TO GET WITH CHICKS
LIKE THAT?
SERIOUSLY?
YEAH.
ALL RIGHT.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS
COME BY LATER,
AND WE'LL FIGURE IT OUT.
Max: AND JUST LIKE THAT,
JOHNNY EYELASH AGREED
TO BE OUR DRILL INSTRUCTOR.
COME ON, BABY.
WHICH IS GOOD...
MAN, YOUR ASS AIN' EVEN HURT, MAN.
...BECAUSE ACROSS TOWN...
I PLEDGE ALLEGIANCE
TO THE FEMALES
OF THE T.O.B.
OF AMERICA
AND TO THE METHODS
BY WHICH IT STANDS,
WITH MANIPULATION,
WITH HOT BODS,
IRRESISTIBLE,
WITH LUXURY
FOR JUST US,
THAT'S ALL!
( cheering )
OKAY, FIRST,
WELCOME, EVERYONE,
AND A SPECIAL HELLO
TO OUR NEW PROSPECTS,
YVONNE AND COURTNEY.
Women: HI.
WE REALLY HOPE
THAT YOU'RE GONNA LIKE
WHAT WE'RE ABOUT.
AND A BIG KISS TO LYRIC,
WHO, AS OF LAST WEEK,
IS A FULL TASSEL SISTER.
( cheering )
YEAH!
SO, WHAT? YOU GUYS
CAN'T GET GIRLFRIENDS?
WE DON'T WANT GIRLFRIENDS.
WE WANT TO BANG HOT CHICKS
LIKE YOU.
ALL RIGHT, I'M LISTENIN'.
AND PLUS, MAN,
WE MADE A PAC IN HIGH SCHOOL.
YEAH, WHEN WE WERE 15.
OH, OHH, MY GOD. HO.
MAN, WHEN WE GET OLDER,
WE GONNA BANG CHICKS
LIKE THAT ALL THE TIME.
DEFINITELY. OH.
I MEAN, WE DO OKAY
WITH THE AVERAGE CHICKS,
BUT THOSE, LIKE, SUPER-DUPER
BOMB HOLLYWOOD CHICKS, MAN...
MAN, THEY DON'T EVEN FUCK
WITH US.
YEAH,
THEY IGNORE US, MAN.
OR MAKE JOKES.
AND IT'S NOT GETTING
ANY EASIER, MAN.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
T.O.B. CLUB.
I'VE HEARD ABOUT THIS.
SEE, WOMEN ARE NATURALLY
MORE DEVIOUS,
BUT IT'S THAT BITCHINESS
THAT USUALLY DIVIDES THEM
AND GIVES US GUY AN ANGLE.
DUDE, YOU SHOULD HAVE
SEEN THE TITS
ON THE GIRLS
THAT LEFT THAT WITH ME.
NOW THEY'RE GETTING ORGANIZED.
THIS DOESN'T BODE WELL.
REGULAR GUYS LIKE YOU
DON'T STAND A CHANCE.
THAT'S WHY WE
NEED YOUR HELP.
DUDE, COME ON,
JUST PASS ON YOUR WISDOM.
YOU GOTTA HELP US OUT,
MAN.
WHAT THE FUCK
DOES "BODE" MEAN?
LOOK AT THESE FREAKS,
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS,
RELAX, JESUS.
ALL RIGHT,
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING
ABOUT THESE HOT CHICKS
YOU'RE SO SCARED OF.
ALL RIGHT, BOYS.
YOUR AVERAGE HOLLYWOOD BABE.
NICE, RIGHT?
YOU TAKE AWAY THE HAIR...
THE IMPLANTS...
THE LIPO...
THE STRAPPY SHOES,
CUTE LITTLE DRESS,
OH, AND THE MAKEUP...
AND THIS IS
WHAT YOU'RE LEFT WITH.
NOT PARTICULARLY
ATTRACTIVE.
NOT THAT SMART,
NOT THAT INTERESTING--
BASICALLY SOMEONE
IN YOUR OWN LEAGUE.
THAT'S THE WAY YOU GOTTA
THINK ABOUT 'EM, GUYS.
I SWEAR TO GOD,
BEFORE LONG,
YOU'LL BE A GODDAMN
HUMAN SHISH KABOB.
DUDE, THAT'S HARSH.
I SWEAR,
IT'S AS IF YOU HATE THEM.
MAN, I DON'T HATE 'EM...
ANY MORE THAN A LION
HATES A GAZELLE.
BUT I HAD MY HEAR BROKEN ONCE...
COME ON, WEN,
PLEASE!
IT'S OVER.
SMASHED INTO LITTLE PIECES.
WE CAN MAKE THIS WORK.
ALL I NEED IS A CHANCE.
DON'T DO THIS.
BUT I PULLED MYSELF
TOGETHER.
AND NOW,
I JUST DON'T GIVE A SHIT.
COME ON,
DON'T GO, MAN.
I LOVE YOU, WENDY.
OKAY, COOL.
WHY DO YOU HAVE
A LITTLE GIRL'S DOLL?
WHO THE FUCK CARES?
WILL YOU PLEASE HELP US?
HEY, LOOK,
I'LL HELP YOU GUYS,
BUT YOU GOTTA DO
WHAT I SAY
EXACTLY WHEN I
TELL YOU TO DO IT,
NO QUESTIONS ASKED,
OR I'M OUT.
ALL RIGHT, COME BACK NEXT WEEK
AND BRING YOUR LAPTOPS.
OH, WAIT,
I DON'T GOT A LAPTOP, MAN.
I STILL GOT THAT DIALUP SHIT,
THAT... ( imitates dialup )
JESUS, CHRIST,
YOU GOT A LAPTOP?
YES.
YOU GOT A LAPTOP?
YEAH,
IT'S REALLY NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
SO I CAN SHARE OF YOURS, HUH?
NO, SHARE OFF HIS, DUDE,
I GOT A DELL.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE!
SO, TO BUSINESS...
GRETCHEN,
HOW'S YOUR REFINANCE GOING?
OKAY, WELL, THE GUY
CAME OVER THE OTHER DAY
AND TOOK ME TO LUNCH,
BUT WE GOT A LITTLE
TOO DRUNK.
WE DIDN'T FINISH
THE PAPERWORK.
Women: GRETCHEN!
I KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY.
I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.
OKAY, LADIES,
NOT THIS DATERBASE
ONLY WORKS
IF WE KEEP IT UPDATED.
SO DID ANYBODY HAVE
A DATE THIS WEEK?
I MET A GUY.
WHAT WAS HIS NAME?
ADEN.
ISN'T THAT YOUR OTHER
BOYFRIEND'S BEST FRIEND?
YEAH,
HE HIT ON ME YESTERDAY
JUST 'CAUSE I WAS
SUNBATHING TOPLESS
BY HIS POOL.
UHH, SUCH A PIG.
I KNOW.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE WILL USE THA AGAINST HIM.
ANYONE ELSE?
YES, CHANEL?
THERE IS A BIG,
HUGE HAIR SPIDER.
IT CRAWLED INTO MY CLOSET,
AND I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE
TO FIND IT.
I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO GO
INTO MY CLOSET FOR,
LIKE, A WEEK.
I'VE BEEN BUYING ALL
OF MY CLOTHES BRAND-NEW
BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF IT.
THAT'S EASY,
I'LL SEND ONCH.
ONCH!
YES, WENDY?
GO!
NOW?
NO. TOMORROW. GO.
HOW ABOUT OUR NEW GIRLS?
ANYTHING YOU GIRLS NEED?
LIKE WHAT?
ANYTHING?
UM, OKAY, WELL,
MY SHOWER KEEPS DRIPPING,
AND IT'S KIND OF GROWING
MOLD IN THERE.
I MEAN, I CLEAN IT, BUT--
I'LL SEND ONCH OVER.
HOW MUCH IS THAT GONNA COST?
SWEETIE, WE JUST SAY
"OUR HOT GIRLFRIEND"
AND "SHOWER"
IN THE SAME SENTENCE.
COOL, THANK YOU.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU, YVONNE?
I'M COOL.
REALLY?
I THINK SO.
I MEAN, THIS ALL SEEMS
A BIT COLD-HEARTED.
YOU LIKE TO FUCK
AND PARTY, DON'T YOU?
YEAH! A LOT.
( laughter )
THOSE ARE MARKETABLE SKILLS.
AND COMPLETELY TAX-FREE,
SWEETIE.
I NEVER REALLY THOUGH ABOUT IT LIKE THAT.
I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT.
THANKS, JOHNNY.
BYE, SARAH.
I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK,
ALL RIGHT.
DUDE,
YOU ARE LIKE THE KING.
IT'S JUST WORK.
WORK? WHAT DO YOU DO?
I'M IN PHARMACEUTICAL SALES.
YOU A DRUG DEALER?
NO, I'M A SALES REP,
FOR, AMONG OTHER THINGS,
KELOCOTE.
IT'S AN OINTMEN THAT WOMEN USE
AFTER THEY GET BOOB JOBS.
IT HEALS THE SCAR TISSUE.
WAIT A MINUTE,
YOU GET PAID
TO RUB CREAM
ON WOMEN'S TITTIES, YO?
YEAH. I REALLY AM
A BOOB INSPECTOR.
OH, MY GOD.
COME ON IN, GUYS.
DAMN.
WHAT KIND OF BENEFITS
A JOB LIKE THAT GOT?
THAT'S TIGHT. HA.
AH, MAN, FLING, MAN,
THEY GOT SOME
SWEET PUSSY ON HERE.
YEAH,
BUT THAT'S NOT THE DEAL.
WE COULD HAVE DONE
THIS OURSELVES.
NO, DUMBSHIT.
THESE ONLINE
DATING SITES
ARE A GREAT WAY
TO LEARN
ABOUT WOMEN
AND THE GAMES
THEY PLAY.
( water splashing )
( whistling )
HEY, GIRLS.
LOOK WHAT I GOT.
YAY, DRINKS!
OHH!
PUT SOME CLOTHES ON!
I HATE TAN LINES!
IT'S TOO NICE OUT HERE!
"DOGS ARE CONTROLLED
BY THEIR BASEST MOTIVES.
EAT, SLEEP, AND COPULATE."
DOES THAT SOUND FAMILIAR?
THEY EVEN CALL
THEMSELVES DOGS.
IT'S SO PATHETIC.
THEY WOULD SPEND
THEIR WHOLE LIFE--
CAR, JOB, AND BEING--
JUST TRYING TO SQUIRT.
( laughing )
YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
"I LIKE CUDDLING,
SOFT KISSES, ANIMALS,
"WALKS ON THE BEACH,
DINING, A NICE MAN,
SINCERE, KIND"?
THIS SHI MAKES ME SICK.
WHY? SOME OF
THAT STUFF IS CUTE.
OKAY, WINETASTING.
THAT MEANS SHE LIKES
TO GET FUCKED UP.
DINING. THAT MEANS
YOU TAKE HER
OUT TO DINNER.
WHAT, VACATIONS?
YOU THINK SHE'S PAYING
FOR THESE VACATIONS?
DO YOU REMEMBER
WHEN YOU WERE YOUNGER
AND YOU THOUGHT THAT IF YOU
WERE REALLY NICE TO A GUY
HE'D BE REALLY NICE BACK?
YES. OH, MY GOD,
I DID EVERYTHING FOR HIM.
I MEAN,
I REALLY TREATED HIM WELL.
HOW'D THAT WORK OU FOR YOU?
HE SLEPT WITH MY SISTER.
AND MY BEST FRIEND.
HEY, DUDE,
CHECK OUT THE FRIEND.
YEAH, DUDE,
SHE'S FINE.
Max: YEAH, SHE IS BOMB.
BUT TAKE A CLOSE LOOK
AT ALL THESE PHOTOS.
DO YOU NOTICE ANYTHING?
A LOT OF THEM AREN' FULL BODY SHOTS.
RIGHT.
THEY'RE TAKEN FROM
HIGH ANGLES, TOO.
YEAH, LOTS OF THEM ARE
WEARING BABY DOLL DRESSES.
YEAH, LOOK AT THAT.
WHY DO WOMEN WEAR
BABY DOLL DRESSES?
BECAUSE IT HIDES
THEIR FAT ASSES.
SEE, ALL THESE PICTURES,
THEY'RE ALL TRYING
TO TRICK YOU IN SOME WAY.
THE PERSONAL AD IS A GREAT WAY
TO UNDERSTAND
THE TRUE NATURE OF WOMEN.
YOU'RE BEGINNING
TO GET AN IDEA
OF HOW DECEITFUL
THE AVERAGE GIRL IS.
WE DON'T CARE
ABOUT THE AVERAGE GIRLS.
I WANT YOU TO SEPARATE OU ALL THE HOTTIES,
AND THAT'S WHO WE NEED
TO FOCUS ON.
THE TRICK IS TO GET THEM
ALL EXCITED,
BUT IF YOU WAN TO SEE THEM AGAIN,
LEAVE THEM WANTING MORE.
REALLY?
OH, YEAH.
OKAY, THE NEXT TIME
YOU BRING A GUY HOME,
I WANT YOU TO GET OFF FOR HIM.
I MEAN, MAKE A HUGE SHOW.
PORN-STYLE.
OHH! YEAH!
SEXY!
THAT'S IT!
THANK YOU.
AND THEN HE'LL
BE SO EXCITED.
OHH, OHH!
BUT DON'T LET HIM
PUT IT IN.
AND THEN WHEN YOU'RE DONE,
LEAVE WITHOU GIVING YOUR NUMBER.
THAT WORKS?
OF COURSE.
THE REJECTION PLAYS
ON THEIR INSECURITIES,
AND WE ALL KNOW THA ALL MEN REALLY CARE ABOU IS TITS AND ASS.
THANK YOU.
HA HA HA!
THEY WOULD SIT AROUND
OGLING US ALL DAY LONG
IF THEY COULD.
( laughter )
OH, MAN,
SHE WAS MADE TO GET LAID.
YOU GUYS CHECK THIS OUT,
IS HER ASS COMPATIBLE
WITH MY DICK?
AND WHAT THE FUCK
IS A CUPID SCORE, MAN?
JUST SHOW ME YOUR TITTIES.
RIGHT. THAT'S WHAT MEN
ARE DESIGNED TO DO.
GET WITH ATTRACTIVE WOMEN.
NOW, LOOK AT WHA THEY SAY, FIRST,
"NO PLAYERS.
IF YOU'RE LOOKING
FOR A HOOKUP,
THEN MOVE ON, MISTER."
THEN WHY THE FUCK
IS SHE STANDING
IN FRONT OF A FERRARI
WITH HER TITS OUT?
RIGHT. IT'S TO GET YOU
ALL RILED UP.
AND CHECK IT,
"I'M LOOKING FOR A GUY
"WHO'S KIND AND LOYAL
AND SPIRITUAL
AND CARING
AND AMBITIOUS."
AMBITIOUS?
DOESN'T REALLY FIT,
RIGHT?
THE ONE COMMON WORD
IN ALL THE HOTTIES.
YOU KNOW, "GENEROUS"
SEEMS TO CROP UP THE MOST.
YEAH, I'M GETTIN'
"GENEROUS" A BUNCH, TOO.
HERE'S ANOTHER ONE
RIGHT THERE.
RIGHT, RIGHT.
BUT YOU CAN'T BE GENEROUS
IF YOU DON'T HAVE CASH.
YOU KNOW,
THE WOMEN WE'RE AFTER
ARE MONEY-GRUBBING HOS.
GODDAMN RIGHT.
WE KNOW FROM CAVEMAN TIMES
THAT A MAN IS GENETICALLY
PREDISPOSED
TO BE FAITHFUL FOR A MAXIMUM
OF THREE YEARS
BECAUSE THAT'S HOW LONG
IT TAKES FOR AN INFAN TO LEARN HOW TO WALK.
THEN THEY LEAVE THE CAVE
AND THE MOTHER
TO GO SPREAD THEIR SEED
FAR AND WIDE.
IT'S JUST HUMAN NATURE,
SO FORGET ABOU THAT FAIRY TALE,
GROWING OLD TOGETHER...
I LOVE FAIRY TALES.
LOOK, WE DON'T HAVE SEEDS
TO SPREAD,
BUT WE DO HAVE LEGS.
YEAH, WE DO!
EXACTLY. I MEAN, YOU GUYS ARE
ALL COOL AND HIPSTER LOOKING.
WHAT, ARE YOU IN A BAND?
YEAH, WE GOT BEATS.
YEAH, LIKE CREEPY BEATS.
YOU KNOW, IT'S KIND OF
LIKE A GOTH VIBE
WITH, YOU KNOW, HIP-HOP.
YEAH, LIKE BAUHAUS
MEETS BOWWOW,
BUT LIKE MORE PALE.
ALL RIGHT, GREAT.
WITH A HINT OF
C&C MUSIC FACTORY.
UNLESS YOU'RE
FREDDY FUCKING MERCURY,
ALL THAT CONVENTIONAL WISDOM
ABOUT BEING IN THE BAND
GETTING YOU LAID
DOESN'T APPLY WITH THESE CHICKS.
MAN, THESE CHICKS WERE GETTING
DICKED OVER BY BAND DUDES
WHEN YOU WERE STILL POPPING ZITS
ON YOUR HISTORY HOMEWORK.
THAT'S YOU, BUDDY!
AND THEY DON'T GIVE A SHI
ABOUT YOUR "GIG"
AND YOUR CREEPY BEATS.
SO, LOOK,
GO GET YOUR HAIR CUT,
GO SEE MY TAILOR--
HE'LL GET GUYS ALL SORTED OUT--
AND WE'LL GET STARTED.
I'M SORRY.
WAIT. TAILOR?
IS THIS GOING
TO BE EXPENSIVE?
YEAH, IT'S GOING
TO BE EXPENSIVE!
THAT'S KIND OF THE POINT.
AND THIS THRIFT-STORE SHI AND THESE IRONIC T-SHIRTS--
IT'S JUST NOT GONNA CUT IT.
AND WHAT'S WITH THOSE GLASSES--
DO YOU EVEN NEED THOSE GLASSES?
NO, THEY'RE NOT FOR SEEING.
IT'S FOR THE LOOK.
YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE STUPID.
AND TAKE OU THAT FUCKING NOSE RING.
JESUS, YOU LOOK LIKE AN IDIOT.
AND BY GIVING A LITTLE BI TO A FEW DIFFERENT GUYS,
IF IT'S DONE WITH CLASS,
A WOMAN CAN EASILY
SUPPORT HERSELF.
AND THE RICHER THE GUY,
THE BIGGER THE PAYOFF.
I NEVER REALLY THOUGH OF IT LIKE THAT.
YOU SAID IT.
OKAY, I AM SO IN.
WHERE DO WE MEET THESE GUYS?
ELLE, GRETCHEN, WHY DON'T YOU
TAKE THE NEW GIRLS OU
AND SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE?
YEAH!
OH, MY GOSH,
WE HAVE SO MUCH FUN.
( cheering )
I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH.
YOU GOT A CREDIT CARD,
DON'T YOU?
YEAH. MY MOM'S.
WELL, CHARGE IT.
LOOK, YOU GOTTA AT LEAST LOOK
LIKE YOU COULD THROW DOWN
SOME CASH, ALL RIGHT?
BUT I'VE BEEN TRYING
TO SAVE UP, MAN.
I'M PAYING OFF
MY STUDENT LOANS.
LOOK, DINGLEBERRY,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE RICH.
YOU JUST HAVE TO LOOK RICH.
LOOK, MAN, I THOUGHT YOU WAS
JUST GONNA GIVE US SOME TIPS,
WE SPEND ALL THIS MONEY...
NIGGA, I'M BROKE.
ARE YOU OKAY, YVONNE?
IS THERE ANYTHING
WE CAN HELP YOU WITH?
NOT REALLY.
ANYTHING YOU'RE
UNCOMFORTABLE WITH?
ANYTHING YOU WANT TO
CHANGE ABOUT YOUR BODY?
NO. WHY?
YOU'D BE SO MUCH MORE EFFECTIVE
IF YOU JUST GOT SOME BOOBS.
I LIKE MY BOOBS!
I KNOW, DEAR,
BUT THEY'LL CHANGE
YOUR LIFE.
LOCK IT IN.
YOU GOT IT LOCKED IN,
NOW PUT SOME PRESSURE ON IT.
( choking )
YOU WANNA CUT OFF
CIRCULATION TO HIS BRAIN.
THAT'S GOOD.
BONES, GOOD JOB.
THANKS.
THANKS A LOT, JOHNNY.
THANKS, JOHNNY.
YEAH, NO PROBLEM, GUYS.
HEY, NICE SHOES, GUY TOWN.
VERY PRETTY.
FAGGOTS.
COME ON, MAN.
IS THIS THE ONLY REASON
YOU CALLED US DOWN HERE
WAS TO MAKE FUN OF US?
NO. IT'S NOT THE ONLY REASON.
I GOT YOUR MESSAGE
ABOUT LAST NIGHT.
I THINK I CAN HELP.
NOW WHAT HAPPENED.
IT WENT PRETTY GOOD.
YOU KNOW, WE GOT TO THE VELVET,
YOU KNOW, WE MET THESE CHICKS,
WE WAS BUYING THEM DRINKS,
THEY WAS FEELING
OUR NEW FLY GEAR AND SHIT...
AND MY HAIR.
YEAH, WE EVEN DEFENDED
THEM FROM THIS DUDE
WHO TRIED TO SNAKE IN.
YEAH, MAN, BUT WHEN IT CAME TIME
TO CLOSE THE DEAL UP, MAN,
THIS DUDE INVITED THEM TO SOME
JACUZZI PARTY IN THE HILLS,
AND THEY ALL BROKE OUT.
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?
THEY WERE GONNA BE LIKE,
"NO, LET'S ALL GO BACK
TO MY PLACE AND FUCK"?
I WAS HOPING SO.
THERE PROBABLY
WASN'T EVEN A PARTY,
BUT THE DUDE HAD A PLAN.
HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO.
YOU TELL THEM YOU WANT TO HAVE
A PHOTO SHOOT AT YOUR STUDIO
AFTER THE BAR CLOSES.
WILL THEY GO FOR THAT?
OF COURSE.
LOOK, THEY SPEND A LOT OF MONEY
TO LOOK GOOD,
SO YOU KINDA GOTTA PLAY
TO THEIR VANITY.
OKAY, BUT WHERE ARE
WE GONNA TAKE THEM?
I DUNNO, MAN,
YOU'LL FIGURE SOMETHING OUT.
HEY, JOHNNY, LET'S GE THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
WHAT ABOUT A CAMERA?
NO, I'VE GOT A CAMERA.
GOOD. BUT YOU ARE GOING TO NEED
TO GET A POLAROID, TOO.
POLAROID? THEY DON'T MAKE
THAT SHIT NO MORE. THAT'S OLD.
JOHNNY, LETS GET THE FUCK
OUT OF HERE, MAN.
LET'S ROLL.
IT DOESN'T MATTER.
LOOK, YOU SAID YOU'D DO
WHAT I TELL YOU, RIGHT?
TRUST ME.
ALL RIGHT, MAN.
WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT PATCH
ON YOUR SHOULDER?
IT'S A FLEUR DE LIS.
IT'S COOL.
NO, IT'S NOT COOL.
WELL...
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.
BYE, LADIES.
Max: SO JOHNNY TOLD US
TO GET BACK ON THE HORSE,
BUT I THOUGHT HE
SAID "WHORES."
YEAH. I'M UP
AND COMING, THOUGH.
I LOVE YOUR OUTFIT.
OH. THIS IS SO OLD.
YOU WANNA COME BACK
TO MY BUDDY AARON'S STUDIO,
HAVE A PHOTO SHOOT?
A PHOTO SHOOT?
ARE THOSE REAL?
THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
I GUESS YOU'LL JUST HAVE
TO FIND OUT...MAYBE.
YOU'RE A PHOTOGRAPHER.
ARE THEY PROFESSIONAL?
WELL, YEAH, I GUESS.
LET'S DO IT.
YOU GOT SOME BOOZE
BACK AT THE OFFICE RIGHT?
YEAH, YEAH.
A LITTLE, A LITTLE.
WE COULD DO
SOME SHOTS TOGETHER.
YEAH, LETS GO PARTY.
COME ON.
UH, THIS IS OUR BACKDROP.
LIKE, USUALLY WE HAVE,
LIKE, MOUNTAINS AND LAKES
AND THINGS LIKE THA AND INDIANS
IN THE BACKGROUND,
BUT WE ON
A TIGHT BUDGET NOW.
UP AGAINST EACH OTHER.
OKAY, JUST LIKE LITTLE
CHICKEN STRIPS, THERE YOU GO.
LET ME GET SOME LIGHT.
MOVE TO THE RIGHT SOME.
MOVE TO THE RIGHT.
RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE A TIGER.
TIGERS.
RAWR!
( laughs )
ALL RIGHT, YOU A CHEETAH.
YOU A JAGUAR. YOU A LEOPARD.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
( growling )
HO HO HO! SWEET!
MAN, THAT SHIT WAS CRAZY.
SO MANY TITTIES,
I JUST WANTED TO RUN
DOWN AND GO...
NICE.
MAN, IT WAS
FUCKING TITSVILLE.
SO, WHO'D YOU END UP WITH,
AARON?
I ENDED UP WITH THE BLONDIE.
UH, COURTNEY. SHE'S SO COOL.
DUDE, I NEARLY MADE OU WITH THAT ASIAN CHICK.
YEAH, MAN,
AND I WAS SNUGGLING UP
WITH SOME OF THE FIRMEST,
SMALLEST LITTLE TITTIES
YOU EVER WANNA GET UP
AGAINST, MAN.
WAIT. "NEARLY MADE OUT WITH"?
"SNUGGLING"?
ARE YOU GUYS IN JUNIOR HIGH?
OKAY, WAIT. NONE OF YOU
GOT LAID OUT OF THIS?
FOR CHRISSAKES,
YOU BROUGHT 'EM BACK,
YOU GOT 'EM FUCKED UP--
WHAT HAPPENED?
WE DIDN'T HAVE
ANY BOOZE.
YEAH, I BROKE OU MY VAPORIZER, BUT--
OKAY, NO BOOZE? WHY NOT?
WHAT IS THIS, AMATEUR HOUR?
AND, WHAT, A VAPORIZER?
NO, JOHNNY!
I USE VAPORIZER!
OF COURSE YOU DO,
SWEETHEART.
I LIKE. IT'S GREAT.
IT'S GREAT FOR WASTING WEED.
NO. NO, NO, NO.
YOU DON'T DO IT RIGHT.
YOU HAVE TO SUCK HARD.
I SUCK HARD.
I SUCK SO HARD.
YOU KNOW I SUCK GOOD.
YEAH, I KNOW YOU DO,
SWEETHEART.
YOU'RE SO BAD.
YOU'RE BAD.
YOU'RE BAD. EVIL.
MAX, WHAT ARE YOU DOING
SMOKING A BLUNT FOR?
WHAT? I THOUGHT YOU SAID
IT WAS COOL TO SMOKE HERE.
CLAUDIA.
TIME FOR MY MEDICINE.
LOOK AT THIS SHIT.
THIS IS COLD-SORE CHRONIC.
I DON'T WANT YOUR HEPATITIS,
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, CLAUDIA.
I USE A CARBONITE.
YOU GRIND IT UP FINE,
THE WATER COOLS THE SMOKE,
AND THE CARBON TRAPS THE GUNK.
HERE, CHECK IT.
BLACK SMOKE IN...
WHITE SMOKE OUT.
IT'S A MONSTER HIT,
NO COUGHING.
I'M TELLING YOU, THIS IS HOW YOU
GET HER PROPERLY STONED.
THANKS, CLAUDIA.
Max:
OH, MAN, THAT'S TIGHT.
SO, ALL RIGHT,
WELL, NEXT TIME--
NO, NO, NO. NO NEXT TIME.
LATE-NIGHT WEED
IS ONLY GONNA GET HER
HUNGRY OR TIRED
OR PARANOID.
WELL, WHAT ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO DO?
WEED IS FOR DAYTIME.
COKE IS FOR NIGHTTIME.
YEAH, MAN,
BUT WE DON'T REALLY DO COKE.
I DO.
SINCE WHEN?
WELL, YOU DO NOW MAX.
YOU'RE A BIG BOY.
IT'S NOT LIKE I'M ASKING YOU
TO SHOOT UP IN YOUR EYEBALL!
I THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT.
OKAY, JOHNNY,
ALL DONE. YOU LIKE?
I LIKE.
THANK YOU.
OKAY, NOW I HAVE TO WAX
YOUR BALLS.
OKAY, GO, GO, GO.
I HAVE TO WAX YOUR BALLS.
MAN, THESE CLOTHES, COKE...
WE'RE TURNING INTO
HOLLYWOOD DOUCHEBAGS.
HEY, MAN, THAT'S HOW WE GONNA
GET THAT HOLLYWOOD TAIL, MAN.
RIGHT ON.
"THE MALE G-SPOT..."
ISN'T THAT HIS DICK?
NO, IT'S HIS TAINT.
IT'S RIGHT BETWEEN THE SCHLONG
AND THE TURKEY GOBBLE.
( laughing )
NO, IT'S IN HIS ASSHOLE.
NASTY.
YOU GUYS LOOK SO CUTE.
LOOK.
LET ME SEE.
AHH, THIS LOOKS LIKE
SUCH A FUN NIGHT.
IT WAS OK.
IT WOULD HAVE BEEN FUN,
BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY BOOZE
OR DRUGS OR ANYTHING.
OH, I KNOW A GUY WE CAN
BUY SOME DRUGS FROM.
SWEETIE...WE'RE THE REASON
WHY GUYS BUY DRUGS.
AND IT'S NOT JUST DRUGS.
BEING HOT IS REALLY EXPENSIVE.
EVERY PENNY COUNTS.
WENDY, SHOW HER THE SCALE.
A BAG OF WEED
AND A RIDE TO THE AIRPOR IS DOWN AT THE BOTTOM.
FLASH THEM,
YOU LET THEM JERK OFF.
AND SOME COKE
OR A BOTTLE OF XANAX,
AND THEY MIGH GET A HANDJOB.
SHOES OVER 500 BUCKS,
AND THEY MIGHT GET LAID.
IF YOU LIKE THE GUY.
STRIPPER SHOES,
AND THEY MIGHT GE
TO SUCK A NIPPLE
AND BEAT OFF...
NOW, IF IT'S A DAY AT THE SPA,
THAT COULD BE A BLOW JOB.
OR IF THEY HELP YOU MOVE,
THAT COULD BE ONE, TOO.
OKAY, BUT THAT'S ONLY IF YOU'RE
IN THE MOOD TO SUCK COCK.
OF COURSE.
WHAT IS IT, COURTNEY?
UM, I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S KIND OF LIKE
WE'RE PROSTITUTES.
( laughter )
WHAT'S YOUR POINT?
HEY! PRIVATE PARTY!
ONCH. BACK IN YOUR ROOM.
WHERE YOU BELONG. GO.
OHH, TENANTS!
LOOK, GIRLS, IT'S NO AN EVEN PLAYING FIELD.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME
YOU HEARD ABOUT A GUY
WHO WAS TRYING TO JUGGLE
A CAREER AND A FAMILY?
I MEAN, RIGHT NOW,
YOU'RE CUTE AND YOUNG.
THANKS!
BUT YOU'RE GONNA HAVE
TO SPEND TO KEEP UP
THE HOTNESS AS YOU AGE.
HOW MUCH IS THAT?
A LOT.
AND UNLESS YOU WANT TO END UP
AS STRETCH-MARKED SINGLE MOTHER
WITH A WASTOID HUSBAND
WHO'S IN A BAND,
WHO CAN'T PAY CHILD SUPPOR OR ALIMONY,
YOU BETTER TO GET THAT MONEY.
I'M GOING TO TINKLE.
THAT'S WHAT THE T.O.B. CLUB
IS ALL ABOUT.
HOW DO YOU THINK WENDY
GOT US OUR HOUSE?
I DON'T KNOW, HOW?
WELL, SHE WAS WORKING
AT THIS TECH FIRM,
AND SHE
STARTED SLEEPING
WITH THE OWNER...
AS WE ALL DO.
AND I THINK HE LIKED HER,
AND THEY BECAME VERY CLOSE.
I THINK HE EVEN LOVED HER.
OHH!
BUT HE WAS OLD,
AND HE WAS JEWISH.
OHH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
AVI...
HI.
HI, HONEY.
I'VE FOUND THE PERFECT ONE.
YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
NICE, NICE.
NO...LOOK.
NOT NOW.
OH, AVI, YOU HAVE
SO MUCH MONEY.
YOU SHOULD JUS BUY ME A HOUSE.
I'M NOT BUYING YOU
A HOUSE.
WELL, THE DOWN PAYMEN AT LEAST.
I COULD GET ROOMMATES
TO PAY FOR THE MORTGAGE.
WELL, WELL,
IT WOULD APPRECIATE...
THE MARKET'S UP...
MAYBE.
AND IT'D BE
IN MY NAME, RIGHT?
DON'T BE RIDICULOUS.
IT'LL BE IN MY NAME.
NO, MY NAME.
LOOK, I BUY YOU
ENOUGH STUFF ALREADY.
BUT YOU PROMISED
AFTER A YEAR,
YOU'D BUY ME A HOUSE.
NO WAY DID I SAY THAT!
YES, YOU DID!
YOU PROMISED!
NO WAY, I'M NO BUYING YOU NO HOUSE!
FUCK YOU,
YOU ASSHOLE LIAR!
FUCK YOU! NO!
OW! OW!
MY PLUG! YOU FUCKING
LITTLE BITCH!
I'M NOT BUYING YOU
ANYTHING!
OWW! WRITE ME
THE FUCKING CHECK.
FUCK YOU.
( gasps )
LOOK WHAT YOU DID!
I'M CALLING THE POLICE.
GO AHEAD, CALL THEM.
AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I'LL CALL THEM,
AND I'LL HAVE YOU
ARRESTED.
OH, YEAH, WHO ARE
THEY GOING TO BELIEVE,
A 90-POUND LITTLE GIRL
OR AN OLD MAN WITH TWO DUIs
WHO'S BEEN SEXUALLY
HARASSING ME AT WORK?
"I'M SORRY, OFFICER,
SHE PULLED MY HAIR,
SO I BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER."
GIVE ME THAT!
GIVE IT!
GIVE ME IT!
GIVE IT, I'LL SCREAM.
GO AHEAD, SCREAM.
IT'S SWELLING UP!
YOU KNOW I'M A MODEL.
HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED
TO WORK AGAIN?
I NEVER LAID
A HAND ON YOU.
OH, YEAH. LET'S SEE
WHAT THE JUDGE HAS
TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
"WE'LL SEE WHA THE JUDGE SAYS"?
I NEVER TOUCHED YOU.
YES, YOU DID, YOU BASTARD!
OH, MAN,
FORGET WITH THE PICTURES.
I DIDN'T TOUCH YOU.
I'M GONNA CALL THE COPS.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
YOU WIN. YOU WIN.
I'M GETTING OUT MY CHECKBOOK.
I'M GONNA WRITE YOU THE CHECK.
GOOD. YOU SHOULD.
NOW YOU GET YOUR STUFF,
YOU PACK IT UP,
AND YOU GET THE FUCK
OUT OF MY HOUSE.
JUST SIGN IT.
HERE'S YOUR CHECK.
IT'S WORTH
A MEASLY HUNDRED GRAND
JUST TO GET RID OF YOU,
YOU SPITEFUL LITTLE CUNT.
BUT THEY CAME UP
WITH A HAPPY SOLUTION,
AND THEY BOTH GO WHAT THEY WANTED.
AS WE ALL SHOULD.
OKAY, LADIES...
OHH!
OHH!
WHAT IS THAT?
SEX TIP OF THE WEEK...
"TO DRIVE YOUR MAN CRAZY,
PLACE THE DONUT OVER THE SHAF
AND GENTLY NIBBLE IT OFF."
OKAY, WHO WANTS TO HELP?
UH, LYRIC AND PAGE.
COME ON.
( chanting )
DO IT! DO IT! DO IT!
( indistinct shouting )
DUDE, JOHNNY'S GUY
IS NOT FUCKING AROUND.
THIS SHIT IS NICE.
YEAH, LOOKS LIKE
A LITTLE BABY GLACIER.
THEY CALL IT FISH SCALE,
LIKE WHEN IT GLISTENS,
YOU KNOW.
MAN, IF WE STAR SELLING THIS SHIT,
THEN I COULD ACTUALLY
RAP ABOUT IT.
? YEAH, RIBBITY RAP RAP,
RAP ABOUT IT ?
DUDE, WE MAY NOT EVEN
HAVE TO SELL IT.
THAT GIRL GRETCHEN CALLED ME.
SHE WANTS TO GET SOME OF THIS.
I'M THINKING I MIGH GET SOME OF THAT. HA.
? LOOK AT THIS LITTLE
ROCK OF COKE ?
? IT LOOKS LIKE A BABY GLACIER
? I MIGHT GIVE YOU SOME
IF YOU HIT ME ON THE PAGER ?
? HIT YOU UP LATER
OH, I'M ONTO SOME
SHIT RIGHT HERE. RIGHT?
I HATE IT.
YOU NEED TO STOP HATIN'
'CAUSE YOU CANT RAP.
I'M NOT--WHY AM I
A HATER ALL OF A SUDDEN?
DON'T WORRY, YVONNE,
YOU'LL GET THE HANG
OF IT,
BUT FIRST WE HAVE
TO FIX THESE.
I'M FINE WITH THEM
THE WAY THEY ARE.
I KNOW, SWEETIE,
BUT DID THE DOCTOR CALL?
YEAH. WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO OU NEXT WEEK, BUT WHAT DO I DO?
IT'S EASY.
HE'S A DOG, SO JUS THROW HIM A BONE.
HE DID BOTH OF OURS,
AND ELLE'S.
( sighs )
WHAT SIZE WOULD I GET?
SIZE DOESN'T MATTER,
SWEETIE.
MINE ARE RELATIVELY SMALL.
MINE ARE BIG.
BUT WE DON' DISCRIMINATE HERE.
GUYS LIKE GIRLS
WITH IMPLANTS,
AND WE DIDN' GET THEM DONE
TO PUT THEM AWAY.
SO WHEN IS YOUR DATE?
THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW.
OKAY, SO GO OU TO DINNER WITH HIM,
AND LET HIM TALK ABOU HOW GREAT HE IS
AND LAUGH AT ALL
OF HIS STUPID JOKES.
"OHH, OH, OH,
IT HURTS, IT HURTS!"
"WELL, MRS. PLOTNICK,
I THINK YOU GO A BROKEN FINGER."
( laughing )
YOU'RE SO FUNNY!
WELL, LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHING.
I WORK IN THE RESEARCH LAB
FOR A WHILE...
Big Wendy:
TOUCH HIM A LITTLE BIT.
YOU'RE SO SMART.
YOU HAVE A PIECE
OF PAPER HERE.
YOU ISOLATE THE TISSUE
FROM THE RAT.
Little Wendy: HE'S GOING TO
INVITE YOU BACK TO HIS PLACE.
Yvonne: DO I GO?
Little Wendy:
OF COURSE.
YOU'RE A MOUSE KILLER.
Big Wendy:
IT'S $8,000 OTHERWISE...
PER TATA!
LOOK AT YOU!
Little Wendy:
SAY SOMETHING ABOUT HIS CAR.
Big Wendy:
OH, THEY LOVE THEIR CARS.
OH, MY GOD.
I LOVE YOUR CAR,
BY THE WAY.
IT IS SO HOT.
SO WHERE ARE WE GOING?
HOW ABOUT YOUR PLACE?
AND THEN?
AND THEN I WOULD
LOVE IT IF YOU...
Little Wendy:
...AND GIVE HIM SOMETHING
TO LOOK FORWARD TO.
( whispering )
...LIKE, ALL OVER
MY FACE AND LIPS.
OH, BABY,
THAT'S SO HOT.
Yvonne: EWWW.
DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO IT?
OF COURSE NOT, BUT YOU WANNA
KEEP HIS HEAD IN THE GAME.
EVERY MAN HAS SOMETHING
THAT DRIVES HIM CRAZY.
DR. EUGENE IS A NEAT FREAK,
METROSEXUAL, BUT, LIKE,
TOO MUCH, YOU KNOW?
Big Wendy:
HE'S A CLEAN FREAK
IN THE TRUEST SENSE
OF THE WORD.
BUT USE THAT AGAINST HIM.
MAKE A MESS, BEND OVER
AND CLEAN IT UP.
HE'LL BE WET SOAP
IN YOUR HANDS...
IT IS SO HOOKED UP.
AND I LOVE THE WAY YOU
DECORATED THE PLACE, TOO.
IT IS SO NEAT.
I LIKE BEAUTIFUL THINGS.
AND IT IS SO CLEAN, TOO.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS TABLE...
YOU COULD PRACTICALLY
DO OPERATIONS OFF OF IT.
ONLY MY THOUGHTS ARE DIRTY,
MY DEAR YVONNE.
EXCEPT FOR THIS.
I MEAN, IT LOOKS LIKE
YOUR KNOB IS A LITTLE DIRTY.
DO YOU MIND IF I JUST...
POLISH YOUR KNOB?
( blows air )
A KNOB CANNOT BE
TOO SHINY IN MY BOOK.
OH, YEAH, WELL,
I LOVE TO CLEAN, TOO.
I'M A BIT OF A FREAK
ABOUT IT ACTUALLY.
I HOPE THAT'S OKAY.
LOOK AT THIS MESS.
WHY DON'T I HELP YOU OU AND CLEAN THIS FOR YOU?
( whirring )
LET ME SEE HOW THIS FEELS!
OHH...I LIKE THAT.
YEAH...
I USE THE HOSE ATTACHMENT.
IT'S MY GUILTY PLEASURE.
I'M SURE YOU DO.
( whirring stops )
OH, LOOK AT THAT DIRTY GLASS.
LET ME HANDLE THAT FOR YOU.
THAT'S AMAZING!
OKAY, WELL, I DON'T WAN TO GET MY DRESS WET,
SO I'M JUST GOING TO
TAKE IT OFF.
( singing in
foreign language )
WOW. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU'RE ALMOST PERFECT.
ALMOST?
WITH A LITTLE SHAPING HERE
AND THERE...
REALLY?
BECAUSE I'M PRETTY HAPPY
WITH HOW I AM NATURALLY.
THEY ALWAYS LOOK SO FAKE.
OH, NOT IF I DO IT.
I'M THE BEST.
LATEST TECHNIQUES,
TINY INCISIONS,
ATRAUMATIC PROCEDURES...
NO BRUISING AT ALL.
ALL RIGHT,
I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE IT,
LOVE IT.
RIGHT NOW,
I'D LOVE A DRINK.
OH, YOU WILL HAVE THAT.
NOT IF I CAN'T WAIT FOR YOU.
( laughs )
HERE YOU GO.
Little Wendy:
AND THEN JUST SEAL THE DEAL.
( clink )
NO, I REALLY SHOULD
PROBABLY GET GOING NOW.
OH, PLEASE STAY.
I'LL DROP YOU
IN THE MORNING.
NO, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO NOW.
BEFORE YOU GO
DO YOU MIND IF I...
WHAT?
TAKE A BITE OUT OF CRIME?
YEAH.
GO AHEAD.
OHH! WHOA!
THAT'S FORWARD!
DO YOU MIND IF I...
TOUCH MYSELF?
WHY DON'T I HELP YOU OU WITH THAT?
( singing in
foreign language )
LET ME GET MY PANTS OFF.
SO CLEAN...
I KNOW HOW YOU
LIKE THAT SOAP.
HERE WE GO.
OHH.
OHH.
YOU LIKE THAT?
OH, YEAH.
CAN I SEE YOU AGAIN?
MAYBE.
OHH. SCOUR IT,
I DON'T CARE.
YEAH, RUB IT.
BUT IF I SEE YOU AGAIN,
WE'LL DEFINITELY BE
CLEANING YOUR BEDROOM.
BEDROOM.
YEAH.
DIRTY BEDROOM.
DIRTY BEDROOM.
MUD TRACKING
IN FROM OUTSIDE.
OH, YEAH!
DR. EUGENE!
WHOO!
SO HOW MUCH IS IT?
TWO GRAMS...
ONE HUNDRED.
HMM, WELL, I DON'T HAVE
THE WHOLE HUNDRED...
BUT I HAVE THESE.
I ACCEPT THOSE.
Max: ALL RIGHT, REMEMBER
WHAT JOHNNY EYELASH SAID...
DIVIDE AND CONQUER.
( women talking indistinctly )
I HAVE THE SAME DRESS.
( women talking indistinctly )
HEY.
HEY.
HEY.
HOW'S IT GOIN'?
SO IT'S PRETTY GOOD, HUH?
YEAH, IT WAS OKAY.
SO DO YOU HAVE TO WORK
TOMORROW?
NO. WELL, NOT UNTIL 6 P.M.
OKAY, DO YOU WANNA
GET OUT OF HERE?
WE COULD SHARE A CAB.
NO. LET'S GO BACK
TO YOUR PLACE AND PARTY.
AWESOME. OKAY.
SO YOU WANNA GO BACK
TO MY SPO
AND LEAVE THESE LOVEBIRDS
TO DO THEIR THING?
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE AT HOME?
YEAH. A GRIP.
OKAY.
BUT NO FUNNY STUFF.
I KNOW.
( scoffs )
( indistinct chattering )
DAMN. AHH.
NICE TOUCH. AHEM.
MY SISTER AND HER FRIENDS,
THEY'RE ALL INTO
THIS POSITIVE THINKING.
THERE'S THIS ONE GIRL CARLY--
SHE WALKS AROUND WITH
A BLACK CLOUD OVER HER HEAD,
BUT THEN SHE WATCHED THE SECRET,
AND I WATCHED THE SECRE WITH MY FRIEND TIESTO.
YOU KNOW WHO TIESTO IS,
RIGHT?
HUGE D.J.
DOES ALL THE BIG PARTIES.
SO I DON'T LIKE
THAT ATKINS DIET.
THAT'S TOO MANY RULES
FOR ME.
MY BIG THING...JUICING.
YOU WANNA HEAR THE RECIPE?
HERE IT IS.
THIS IS WHAT I USE.
I USE KALE,
I USE SWISS CHARD...
GIVES IT A ZING,
YOU KNOW WHA I'M TALKING ABOUT?
THEN MY DOCTOR,
HE'S LIKE,
YOU CANT USE SUGAR.
( cash register dings )
( whistling )
YEAH, THIS ONE,
THIS IS WHEN I WAS
IN FRANCE.
REALLY AWESOME TRIP.
YOU SEE THIS GUY? HE'S
PRETTY GOOD-LOOKING, HUH?
SO GOOD IN BED. YEAH,
BUT HE'S A BIT BORING.
HELL, YES. I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.
HEY, YOU GOT ANY MORE BLOW?
NAH, YOU DID IT ALL.
CAN I DO THE LAST LINE
FOR THE ROAD?
UH, YEAH.
UH, I WAS WONDERING,
UH...
BEFORE YOU LEF IF YOU WOULDN'T MIND
IF I JUST LOOK AT YOU
AND BEAT OFF TO YOU?
I SAID NO FUNNY STUFF.
I MEAN, I KNOW
YOU SAID THAT,
BUT, YOU KNOW,
WE STARTED LOOKING
AT THE MODELING PICTURES.
LOOK, I'LL EVEN DO I OVER HERE.
OKAY, FINE.
ALL RIGHT, COME ON,
GIVE ME A LITTLE BI OF ENCOURAGEMENT.
OH, YEAH.
YOU ARE AMAZING.
I KNOW.
NOW I'M GOING TO
GET MY FUCK ON.
IS THIS GONNA
TAKE MUCH LONGER?
CAN YOU SHOW ME
YOUR NIPPLE?
GOD.
OH, YES.
THAT'LL DO.
IT'S GETTING LIGHT OUTSIDE.
I HATE THAT.
DO NOT GET ANY OF THA ON ME.
ALL RIGHT.
AH, THAT'S IT.
YEAH, IT BETTER BE IT,
'CAUSE I'M ABOUT TO TAKE OFF
IN A MINUTE.
LOOK, WOULD YOU
JUST STOP TALKING?
DAMN!
DON'T GET PISSY WITH ME.
I'M DOING YOU THE FAVOR.
ANYWAYS, I'M GETTING COLD.
UH, LOOK,
CAN YOU JUST, UH...
SHOW ME A LITTLE PIECE
OF YOUR ASS?
JUST THE TOP PIECE,
AND I SWEAR
I'LL COME QUICK.
OH, GOD.
THANK YOU.
AHH. OH, YEAH,
THANK YOU.
CAN YOU PLEASE HURRY UP?
THIS IS TAKING TOO LONG.
I'M ABOUT TO COME RIGHT NOW.
YEAH, YOU BETTER BECAUSE
I'M ABOUT TO GET OU OF HERE, OKAY?
I GOTTA WALK MY DOG.
LITTLE DOG SHITS
ALL OVER MY KITCHEN NOW.
UHH! AAH!
OW! OH, MY GOD!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
YOU ASSHOLE!
YOU KNOW WHAT?
WE KEEP TRACK
OF THIS SHIT.
YOU'RE NEVER GONNA
FUCK AGAIN IN THIS TOWN!
( laughing )
OH, MY GOD.
THAT WAS GREAT.
I'M SORRY!
( laughter )
YOU KNOW WHA I'M SAYIN'?
? THAT LOQUACIOUS BITCH
WENT ON A FRUIT JUICE RAMBLE ?
? I HAD TO WHIP OUT MY DICK
AND SHOOT JIZZ LIKE RAMBO ?
ABSOLUTELY.
SHE DRANK YOU OU OF HOUSE AND HOME,
SHE DID ALL YOUR GEAR,
AND THE YOU HAD TO LISTEN
TO HER STUPID STORIES
ALL NIGHT.
( buzz )
HEY.
HEY, JOHNNY.
( sighs )
SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU, GLEN?
OH, DUDE,
IT HAPPENED JUST LIKE
YOU SAID IT WOULD.
SHE DIDN'T WAN TO PAY FOR IT,
AND BEFORE YOU CAN SAY,
"THREE-DOLLAR COKE WHORE,"
I'M CHEWING ON HER TITS
LIKE A SIX-MONTH-OLD BABY.
( laughing )
NEXT PATIENT, PLEASE.
ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S US, GUYS, COME ON.
MMM. THAT'S NICE.
LET ME HAVE A QUARTER.
YOU GOT IT.
DUDE, CAN WE GET SOME?
NO, DICKSHINE.
THIS IS ONLY
IF YOU'RE SICK.
YOU GOTTA GET YOURS
THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.
OUTSIDE.
DUDE, THAT'S FUCKED UP.
YOU AIN'T SICK, MAN.
YOU KNOW I WAN SOME OF THIS SHIT.
HERE.
YES!
I GUESS THIS'LL DO.
SO, AARON, HOW'D
YOUR COKESCAPADE GO?
MAN, FUCK COKE!
YOU KNOW?
HONESTLY, WE HAD
A GREAT NIGHT LAST NIGHT.
THIS MORNING WE WOKE UP,
AND I MADE HER BREAKFAST.
WE HAD A LOT OF FUN. DUDE,
SHE'S A REALLY GOOD GIRL.
YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK
I'M GOING TO ASK HER
TO BE MY GIRLFRIEND.
WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?
YOU'RE ALREADY FUCKING HER!
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE'S NOT ALL MONEY-GRUBBING.
YEAH, MAYBE NOT YET, BUT...
I USED TO BE LIKE YOU.
ALL WIDE-EYED AND IN LOVE.
IT'S OVER!
COME ON, WEN, PLEASE!
DON'T GO WITH THIS BOOB!
YOU LIKE MY HAIR
AND MY SHOES,
BUT HOW AM I SUPPOSED
TO PAY FOR IT WITH
YOUR STUPID LYRICS?
JESUS, WEN,
I'M SORRY, OKAY?
COME ON.
GET A JOB, DICKWAD.
FUCK YOU, QUEERBURGER!
WENDY! WENDY!
COME ON, MAN!
...BUT I DON'T TALK
ABOUT THAT ANYMORE.
LISTEN, THEY'RE NOT ALL
LIKE THAT, BRO.
BLAZE OUT, BRO.
THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
HERE, COME WITH ME.
LET ME SHOW YOU GUYS
SOMETHING.
ALL RIGHT, TAKE A LOOK AROUND,
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
TITTIES.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU GOT YOUR CHERRIES,
APRICOTS,
TANGERINES,
LEMONS,
CANTALOUPES,
OH, AND, OF COURSE,
WATERMELONS.
HEY, WHAT KIND OF FRUI ARE THOSE?
THAT IS AN ASIAN PEAR.
HEY, CHECK IT OUT...
A GRANNY SMITH!
HA HA HA!
NICE. BUT, LOOK,
ALL THESE TITTIES
AIN'T FOR FREE.
CHECK OUT THIS COUPLE
OVER HERE.
WHO DO YOU THINK PAID
FOR THAT MEAL?
THE DUDE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
TAKE A LOOK OVER THERE.
WHO'S BUYING THOSE CLOTHES?
DEFINITELY THE DUDE.
LOOK AT THIS GUY IN HERE.
HUNDRED BUCKS FOR THAT ROUND,
AT LEAST.
AND TRUST ME,
HE AIN'T NAILING ALL OF THEM.
IS HE, AARON?
I DON'T KNOW.
CHECK THIS OUT.
LOOK AT THE ROCK ON HER FINGER.
IT'S AN ENGAGEMENT RING!
AND WHO PAID FOR IT?
THE MAN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND WHEN SHE GETS HOME,
SHE'S GONNA DROP THOSE PANTIES
LIKE MY IPHONE DROPS CALLS.
LOOK, ALL THESE HOLLYWOOD
CHICKS WANT SOMETHING,
AND SEX IS THEIR CURRENCY.
I HAVEN'T SEEN COURTNEY
DO ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
WHY DON'T YOU STOP BY
HER WORK TONIGHT,
AND YOU'LL GET YOUR CHANCE?
YO, DUDE, MAN,
WE'VE BEEN GETTING
SOME WORTHY TAIL LATELY.
MAN, I THINK YOU
SHOULD LISTEN TO HIM.
YEAH, OR JUST MAKE HER
YOUR GIRLFRIEND
AND THEN SEE OTHER ONES
ON THE SIDE.
NO.
WHY NOT?
NO! NO, LOOK,
YOU DON'T CHEAT.
IT'S NOT COOL, EVER,
AND THERE'S NO NEED TO.
LOOK, GUYS, DON'T DATE ONE CHICK
THAT YOU'RE FAITHFUL TO.
YOU DATE LOTS OF CHICKS,
YOU ROTATE THEM,
AND YOU BE HONEST ABOUT IT.
LOOK, GUYS,
I ALWAYS WANTED A SON,
BUT AT THIS POINT, IT'S PROBABLY
NEVER GOING TO HAPPEN.
I WANTED HIM TO BE PREPARED WHEN
DEALING WITH THE UNFAIR SEX,
SO I RECORDED SOME LITTLE
NUGGETS OF WISDOM ON THIS.
BUT BE CAREFUL WITH IT,
ALL RIGHT?
THERE'S A LOT THERE.
GOOD LUCK PICKING UP CHICKS NOW,
MOTHERFUCKER, PIECE OF SHIT!
I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!
WHATEVER YOU DO,
DON'T CHEAT.
BUT IF YOU DO,
STICK TO YOUR FUCKIN' STORY.
PAPA SMURF CALLED!
HE WANTS HIS DICK BACK!
OH, YEAH?!
GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME,
RIGHT NOW!
SADIE?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I HATE YOU!
I HATE YOU!
IT'S MOSTLY ABOUT BEING HONES AND STRAIGHT UP,
YOU KNOW,
OWNING YOUR INNER PIG.
Woman: STILL UPSET ABOU THE FIGHT WITH JOHNNY.
CAME HOME AND GOT DRUNK AND HAD
SEX WITH MY NEIGHBOR FRANK.
IT FELT GREAT.
I'M SO GLAD
I'M NOT A MAN ANYMORE.
NEVER READ
YOUR GIRLFRIEND'S DIARY.
GIRLS LIKE A TAKE-CHARGE GUY.
SO YOU JUST LAY DOWN
WHAT YOU WANT,
TELL HER YOU'RE NOT LOOKING
FOR A GIRLFRIEND UPFRONT,
AND SHE CAN'T NEVER ACCUSE YOU
OF BEING AN ASSHOLE.
( moans )
YES, JOHNNY...
OH, THAT'S GOOD RIGHT THERE.
THAT'S GOOD. AHH!
RIGHT THERE.
OHH! NO!
WHAT ARE YOU STOPPING FOR?
WHAT THE FUCK?
THAT'S WEIRD.
I JUST WAXED YESTERDAY.
NO, THIS IS NOT YOUR PUBE.
YOUR PUSSY'S BALD!
OH, I KNOW WHO THAT WAS.
THAT WAS--NEVER MIND.
NEVER GO DOWN
ON A STRIPPER YOU JUST MET.
DOUBLE-BOOKING BITCH.
ALTHOUGH GIRLS WANT TO FUCK
AND DO DRUGS,
THEY FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, THEY WANT TO GET DOWN,
BUT THEY KIND OF WANT TO BE
"TRICKED" INTO IT.
THIS IS RETARDED.
BE STRAIGHT UP
AND HONEST WITH THEM,
BUT THEN GET THEM HIGH
AND WASTED AND TRICK
THEM INTO IT?
YOU MAKE THAT SOUND
LIKE IT'S A BAD THING.
I WISH I COULD GET DRUNK
AND HIGH FOR FREE.
YEAH. THEY SHOULD
BE THANKING US.
YOU GUYS ARE IDIOTS.
I'M GOING TO SEE
MY GIRLFRIEND.
THERE'S A REASON THEY CALL I "COMMITTED," AARON.
YOU'RE GONNA BE
AT SOME PARTY, WASTED,
AND SOME HOTTIE'S
GONNA BE JOCKING YOU,
AND YOU'RE GOING TO
SLIP UP, MAN.
I'M OUT.
PFFT.
YO, MAN.
LATERS.
YOU GUYS GOT YOUR ASSIGNMENTS,
RIGHT?
JUST REMEMBER,
JUST BE STRAIGHT UP,
AND TELL HER,
"WE CAN SLEEP TOGETHER,
BUT I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
NO DINNERS, VALENTINES."
SHE CAN FIND SOME OTHER SUCKER
FOR THAT.
HUH? I MEAN,
I'M SORRY, MAN.
THIS CANDY BAR
IS KICKING IN, MAN.
I KNOW WE WAS TALKING ABOU FRUITS EARLIER, RIGHT?
I'M SORRY, MAN.
YOU TAPE-RECORDED IT?
OH, NO, THAT WAS
ANOTHER TAPE RECORDER.
I'LL REMEMBER FOR REAL,
I'M SORRY.
Woman:
? FOR YOU
? I'D TRAVEL
? AROUND THE WORLD
? FOR YOU
? I'D DO
? ANYTHING
? 'CAUSE YOU
? ARE EVERYTHING
? THE FEELING IS LOVE,
THE FEELING IS LOVE ?
? THE FEELING IS LOVE,
THE FEELING IS LOVE ?
? THE FEELING IS LOVE,
THE FEELING IS LOVE ?
? WHEN YOU'RE AROUND,
WHEN YOU'RE AROUND ?
? THE FEELING IS LOVE
HEY, HUN, I'M GONNA SPLIT.
I'M REALLY HORNY.
DON'T LEAVE ME WITH HIM!
DON'T YOU REMEMBER
WHAT ELLE SAID?
YEAH. ELLE IS
A TOTAL DRAMA QUEEN.
I MEAN, LOOK,
HE'S REALLY NICE...
AND FUNNY.
WELL, I DON'T WAN TO GO HOME YET.
AND HE IS KIND OF CUTE.
SEE?
YOU ARE GONNA BE FINE.
I JUST HOPE
HE'S NOT AN ASSHOLE.
YO, MAN, YOU WANNA
GO TO THIS PARTY LATER?
NO. IT'S GONNA SUCK.
IT'S JONZO'S PLACE, MAN.
YO, I'M GOING HOME
TO GET SOME ASS.
YOU SHOULD TAKE HER.
SHE'S BANGING.
MAYBE I WILL.
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT WE'RE GOING
TO THIS PARTY
JUST AS FRIENDS.
WELL, I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT WE'RE SPLITTING THIS
CAB FARE...JUST AS FRIENDS.
I DON'T HAVE ANY CASH ON ME.
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE
SUCH AN ASSHOLE?
( humming )
( deep breathing )
( moaning )
COURTNEY,
I AM YOUR FATHER.
EW, GROSS.
( laughing )
NO, BABE, IT'S JUST ME.
NO, NO, NO.
YOU HAVE TO BE THE HELPLESS
PRINCESS, REMEMBER?
YEAH, CAN YOU MAKE
THAT THING VIBRATE?
UM, SHOOT,
I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK THAT'S ONLY
THE DELUXE EDITION.
YEAH.
Johnny: USE HER ADDICTIONS
AGAINST HER.
GO AHEAD,
FUCK WITH THAT ONE, TOO.
ALL RIGHT.
Johnny:
OWN YOUR INNER PIG.
HERE YOU GO.
NO, I'M GOOD.
I'VE GOT A DEADLINE.
I COULD REALLY USE TOMORROW
TO CATCH UP. SO...
ARE YOU FOR REAL?
I MEAN, I JUST GOT HIGH.
IF YOU LIKE, I CAN BLOW
EVERYTHING OFF THA I GOT TO DO TOMORROW,
AND WE CAN HAVE SOME FUN,
BUT I GOTTA LET YOU KNOW
THAT AT SOME POINT,
WE'RE PROBABLY
GOING TO BE HIGH
AND DRUNK AND IN MY BED,
AND I'M GOING TO NEED
TO BUST A NUT.
NEED TO?
YEAH. I MEAN, I'M SORRY
FOR BEING SO HONES AND OPEN ABOUT IT,
BUT IF YOU DON'T LIKE THAT,
THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD MEE FOR COFFEE SOMETIME
AND REALLY GE TO KNOW EACH OTHER,
TAKE IT NICE AND SLOW...
FINE.
FINE FOR THE NUTBUSTING?
WHATEVER.
JUST FILL UP MY DRINK, PLEASE.
DID YOU KNOW
THAT WHEN A MAN ORGASMS
IT RELEASES A CHEMICAL
THAT'S 20 TIMES STRONGER
THAN A NORMAL SLEEPING PILL?
THIS IS SOME
LADY AND THE TRAMP SHI RIGHT HERE.
( laughing )
I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE HERE.
YOU'VE BEEN FLAGGED
ON THE DATERBASE.
NOBODY HAS TO KNOW.
WHAT'S A DATERBASE?
JUST SHUT UP AND KISS ME.
OH, YEAH. OH.
OH, YEAH.
( crickets chirping,
owl hooting )
BABE, WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT OUTFIT?
THANK YOU.
IT'S MY APRON.
I WORE I UNDER MY DRESS
LAST NIGH
SO I COULD COOK
YOU BREAKFAS IN THE MORNING.
AH, I AM TAKING YOU OUT.
BABY, DO YOU WANNA
GO TO THE ZOO?
YES! I LOVE THE ZOO.
ANIMALS ARE MY FAVORITE.
OH, ME TOO. THAT'S PERFECT.
IT'S A DONE DEAL.
WE'RE DOING IT.
UM, BABE, CHECK OUT MY...
TROUSER ELEPHANT.
HA HA HA.
DO YOU WANT ME TO COME
PULL ITS TRUNK?
( elephant trumpets )
SO...YOU GONNA TAKE ME
TO BREAKFAST?
( laughs ) BREAKFAST?!
AIN'T NO BREAKFAST,
BABY.
I DON'T ROLL LIKE THAT.
YOU HAD FUN LAST NIGHT,
RIGHT?
YEAH. EVENTUALLY.
HEY, THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO
WITH MY PERFORMANCE.
THAT WAS THE COKE.
ANYWAYS, IF WANT SOMEBODY
TO TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER
ALL THE TIME
AND CALL YOU UP EVERY DAY,
THAT AIN'T ME.
THAT'S BOYFRIEND
TERRITORY.
LOOK, I'M JUST HUNGRY.
YOU DON'T GOTTA BE
SUCH AN ASSHOLE.
IT'S LIKE YOU'RE GOING
TO SOME ASSHOLE SCHOOL
OR SOMETHING.
PSHH. WHATEVER.
DICK.
Johnny: IF SHE'S ASKING
FOR TOO MUCH CAB FARE,
TAKE A TWENTY OUT OF HER PURSE
WHILE SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM
AND GIVE IT TO HER.
IT'S NOT STEALING
IF YOU GIVE IT BACK.
DUDE, THIS STUFF IS GOLD!
HEY, AARON,
THOUGHT YOU'D BE
MARRIED OFF BY NOW.
UM, SHE'S A GOOD GIRL.
IT COULD HAPPEN.
UH, JUST KEEPING
MY OPTIONS OPEN FOR NOW.
YEAH,
WHAT ABOUT YOU, MAX?
HOW'S IT GOING?
OH, MAN,
SHIT WENT PERFECT, YO.
IT'S JUST ONE THING,
THOUGH, MAN...
SO WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?
WITH THE COKE
AND THE CONDOMS, MAN...
I KIND OF HAD A LITTLE BI OF PERFORMANCE ANXIETY.
REALLY?
WHAT, ARE YOU GAY NOW?
ALL YOU NEED IS...
ONE OF THESE.
WHAT'S THAT, MAN?
UGH. DUDE,
WHY'S IT ALL SLIPPERY?
WHAT IS THAT?
THAT'S JUST LUBE.
IT'S MY COCK RING.
OHH!
WHAT THE FUCK!
ARE YOU KIDDING?
GUYS, I'M TELLING YOU,
NO MATTER WHAT STATE I'M IN,
IT KEEPS ME TURGID,
AND IT ALWAYS,
ALWAYS GET'S ME OFF.
YO, I PUT THAT SHI ON MY NOSE, YO!
AND WHAT THE FUCK
IS "TURGID"?
"TURGID" MEANS HARD.
HOW DUMB ARE YOU?
OH, I'M GONNA USE THAT SHIT.
"GIRL, YOU GOT MY DICK TURGID."
AND I KNOW WITH
ALL THE ALCOHOL
AND THE DRUGS,
SOMETIMES IT'S A LITTLE TOUGH,
SO I ALWAYS KEEP ONE
OF THESE BABIES AROUND.
THOSE ARE LIKE 50 BUCKS
EACH. EVERY TIME?
JESUS, FUCKFACE.
LOOK, YOU GENTLY
TAKE IT OUT OF THE BOX,
YOU CAREFULLY CUT IT OPEN.
EVERY TIME YOU USE IT,
YOU PUT IT IN THE DISHWASHER,
GOOD AS NEW.
OH, YEAH. ECONOMICAL.
YEAH,
BUT WHAT ABOUT CONDOMS?
MAN, I HATE CONDOMS, MAN.
IT'S LIKE EATING A SNICKERS
WITH THE WRAPPER ON.
LOOK, THE FIRST COUPLE OF TIMES
YOU KIND OF HAVE TO, BOYS.
FUCK THAT.
JUST DO WHAT I DO.
YOU CUT A HOLE
RIGHT IN THE TIP
OF THE CONDOM, RIGHT?
JUST LIKE THAT.
AND IT WEARS AWAY
AS YOU GET GOING,
THEN IT BREAKS.
THE BEAUTY OF IT IS,
WHEN SHE LOOKS DOWN,
IT STILL LOOKS LIKE
YOU'RE WEARING ONE.
I JUST TOLD HER IT RIPPED
BECAUSE MY DICK'S TOO BIG.
DUDE, THAT IS FUCKED UP
ON SO MANY LEVELS,
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
WHAT?
"WHAT?"
LET ME SHOW YOU SOMETHING.
ONE IN FOUR PEOPLE
HAVE HERPES.
ONE IN FOUR WARTS.
THROW IN CHLAMYDIA,
CRABS, U.T.I.,
THEN YOU RAMP IT UP
BECAUSE WE'RE IN HOLLYWOOD...
AND THE CHANCES
THAT ONE OF THESE CHICKS
THAT YOU GUYS ARE TAKING HOME
HAS "SOMETHING" IS ABOUT...
GRETCHEN,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
OH, I'M PUTTING
A FABRIC SOFTENER SHEE DOWN MY PANTS
SO LATER TONIGH WHEN I TAKE MY JEANS OFF,
IT'LL BE NICE AND FRESH
DOWN THERE.
THAT'S NOT A BAD IDEA.
RIGHT?
DOES THAT MAKE
YOUR SKIN SOFT?
OH, GOD, I HOPE IT DOESN' MAKE HIS DICK SOFTER! UGH!
I GOT A DATE TONIGHT.
LET ME TRY SOME OF THAT.
SO ARE YOU GIRLS ALL SE FOR THE INITIATION?
YEAH, WE ARE.
YEAH. OH. CAN I STILL JOIN
IF I HAVE GOT A BOYFRIEND?
HE BETTER GO DOWNY ON ME
AFTER ALL THAT TROUBLE!
NO. THAT DEFIES
THE WHOLE POINT.
WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE
USING HIM FOR SOMETHING.
I JUST LIKE HIM.
I LIKE THE WAY
HIS HAIR SMELLS,
I LIKE HIS SMILE,
I LIKE WAKING UP NEX TO HIM, I LIKE HIS COCK.
COURTNEY, COURTNEY,
YOU CANNOT SEE THIS GUY
ANYMORE.
WHAT? WHY?
BECAUSE HE WILL
DICK YOU OVER.
WE JUST DON'T WANT YOU
TO MAKE THE SAME MISTAKE
WE MADE.
IF IT'S SEX YOU WANT,
WE'LL FIND A GUY FOR YOU.
WHAT DO YOU WANT,
DO YOU WANT A NERD,
DO YOU WANT A BAD BOY?
WHAT, AND I JUST FUCK THEM?
FIRST, YOU HAVE
TO EXPLAIN TO HIM
THAT HE CAN' CALL YOU AFTERWARDS,
AND IF HE SEES YOU
OUT SOMEWHERE,
HE'S GOTTA WALK
IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION.
THAT'S CRAZY. I REALLY,
REALLY LIKE THIS GUY.
I KNOW, BUT IT'S
FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
NOW, YVONNE,
DID THE DOCTOR SET A DATE
FOR YOUR IMPROVEMENTS YET?
YEAH. THREE WEEKS.
I KNEW HE WOULD
DRAG IT OUT A BIT.
A FEW DAYS IN OUTPATIENT,
AND YOU'LL NEVER HAVE
TO SEE HIM AGAIN!
RIGHT ON.
( knock on door )
HEY.
AH-AH-AH.
( sighs )
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE
BY YOURSELF?
OH, MY GOD, YOU REMIND ME
OF BEETLEJUICE.
REMEMBER THOSE LEGS
THAT WAS SITTING
BY THEMSELVES?
I KNOW WHO YOU ARE!
WHERE YOU KNOW ME FROM?
DISHONORABLE DISCHARGE.
NASTY.
MAN, WHAT? MAN,
THIS LOOKS LIKE SOME--
HEY, THIS AIN'T EVEN TRUE.
THEY TRYING TO SET ME UP.
THEY TRYING TO SAY
I DISHONORABLY DISCHARGED,
BUT THAT EVEN TRUE.
OHH!
OH, FUCK!
OH, SHIT.
OH, MAN, SORRY, MAN.
FUCK.
I KNOW THAT GUY.
DID YOU DO SOME?
NO.
HE JUST CAME BY TONIGHT.
THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE.
I KNOW.
ARE YOU SLEEPING WITH HIM?
NO.
I JUST GET SO HORNY.
WE ALL GET A LITTLE BI HORMONAL SOMETIMES,
BUT, NEXT TIME,
SPECIFY AN AMOUNT,
OR HE'S GONNA HAVE YOU
WHORING YOURSELF OU FOR LITTLE KIBBLES, OKAY?
NO, YOU'RE RIGHT.
WENDY, CAN I TALK TO YOU
A LITTLE BIT LATER?
OKAY.
( sighs )
OKAY, LADIES,
AS YOU KNOW,
YVONNE WILL BE GETTING
HER ENHANCEMENTS THIS WEEK,
THUS ELIGIBLE FOR MEMBERSHIP.
( cheering )
WHAT DAY, YVONNE?
HE SAYS I GO IN ON FRIDAY,
AND I'LL BE OUT BY SATURDAY.
SO SATURDAY NIGHT.
DOES THAT WORK FOR EVERYONE?
YEAH.
YES.
YES.
OOH OOH!
EXCELLENT WORK, MAX.
CONGRATS ALL AROUND.
IT'S NICE TO SEE
YOUR STABLES DEVELOPING.
I'M UP TO FOUR NOW.
YOU STILL TAKING DRUGS
TO THAT STRIPPER CHICK?
YUP.
SHE'S FUCKING YOU NOW RIGHT?
LIKE I'M JOHNNY DEPP.
NICE. AND NOW CAN BRING
AS MUCH OR AS LITTLE
AS YOU LIKE.
DUDE, I'M GETTING LAID
FOR DUB-SACKS!
SWEET!
UM, WHERE'S COURTNEY?
SHE SAID SHE CAN' COME ANYMORE.
WHY NOT?
BECAUSE SHE HAS
A BOYFRIEND NOW,
AND SHE SAID IT WOULD
BE UNFAIR TO COME
TO A MAN-HATING GROUP.
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHATEVER.
WE DON'T HATE MEN.
WE JUST KEEP THEM
ON TASK, SWEETIE.
SO WHAT ABOUT YOU, AARON?
I'VE BEEN DABBLING,
BUT THERE'S REALLY
ONLY ONE GIRL FOR ME.
YEAH, WHEN SHE'S IN TOWN.
OH!
OH HO HO!
WHAT?
IT'S THAT COURTNEY
AGAIN, RIGHT?
YEAH.
DOES SHE KNOW ABOU YOUR OTHER CHICKS?
UH, THAT'S NOT SOMETHING
I LIKE TO BRING UP.
YEAH, BUT YOU'RE
ROTATING HER, RIGHT?
WHAT?
HOW OFTEN DO YOU SEE HER?
I DON'T KNOW, LIKE TWO,
THREE, FOUR TIMES A WEEK.
AARON,
YOU HAVE TO ROTATE THEM.
SHE'LL BE BACK.
I HOPE SO.
I REALLY LIKED HER.
I REALLY LIKED HER, TOO.
I THINK SHE'S
REALLY INTO HIM.
AARON, RIGHT?
SHORT, DUMB-LOOKING?
( laughter )
THE FACT OF THE MATTER IS,
HE'S A MAN,
AND HE'S HARDWIRED TO CHEAT.
OH, I THINK
HE ALREADY DID.
WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?
I SAW LAST WEEK HIM AT A PARTY
ALL OVER SOME UGLY-ASS GIRL.
LAST SATURDAY AT ROSS'S?
YEAH.
WAS THAT GUY MAX THERE?
YEAH.
( warbling sounds )
MY EARRING COLLECTION
IS GROWING DAILY.
AH, YES.
THE "LEAVE BEHIND."
DO THEY MEAN TO LEAVE
THIS SHIT AT YOUR APARTMEN
OR ARE THEY JUST TOO HUNGOVER
TO REMEMBER? WHO KNOWS?
IT'S LIKE HOW DO THEY NOT KNOW
THAT THEY LEAVE NOT WEARING
THEIR OWN PANTIES?
THAT SHIT IS DUMB!
LET ME SEE THIS HAIRCLIP.
WHERE DID YOU GET THIS?
I NEEDED IT ONE MORNING,
AND THE GUY I WAS WITH
GAVE IT TO ME.
MAX?
THE GUY
THAT JIZZED ON ME?
YEAH.
THIS IS MY HAIRCLIP.
I WAS WITH HIM LAST WEEK.
YOU'VE BEEN HANGING OU WITH HIM?
WE JUST HOOKED UP
A COUPLE OF TIMES.
I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU WERE SEEING HIM.
I TOLD YOU
THAT I LIKED HIM.
WHATEVER.
NOW YOU OWN HIM.
JASMINE! YVONNE!
JASMINE! YVONNE!
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
WAIT A MINUTE.
IS THIS THE MAX
THAT ELLE FLAGGED?
Elle:
THAT ASSHOLE?!
THIS IS FUCKING OUTRAGEOUS!
WHY DO WE EVEN
KEEP A DATERBASE
IF YOU GUYS
CAN'T EVEN FOLLOW IT?
THE WHOLE POIN OF THE T.O.B. CLUB
IS FOR SHIT LIKE THIS
NOT TO HAPPEN.
COURTNEY'S DUDE
IS CHEATING ON HER.
YOU'RE GETTING RIPPED OFF
BY YOUR COKE GUY,
AND THE TWO OF YOU
ARE IN SOME SORT OF
T.O.B. CERTIFIED
SCUMBAG'S STABLE.
SCUM!
WE HAVE STABLES.
THAT'S WHY THEY'RE
CALLED STABLE BOYS, OKAY?
THIS IS FUCKING RIDICULOUS.
COULD ANYTHING ELSE GO WRONG?
( crying )
I'M PREGNANT!
OH, SWEETIE!
IT'S OKAY.
ARE YOU GONNA HAVE IT?
I DON'T THINK SO.
GOOD.
GOOD.
DON'T YOU WORRY
ABOUT A THING.
REALLY?
YEAH.
WE'LL FIX
ALL OF THIS TOGETHER.
NOW, HOW MANY MEN
HAVE YOU BEEN SLEEPING WITH?
TWO OR THREE.
GRETCHEN.
NOT IN THE LAST WEEK,
GRETCHEN,
THE LAST THREE MONTHS?
MAYBE SEVEN OR EIGHT.
OH, PLUS THE DRUG GUY.
ARE YOU THINKING
WHAT I'M THINKING?
Both: ABORTION EXTORTION.
"IN 1934,
"HITLER ELIMINATED ALL
OF HIS OPPOSITION IN ONE NIGHT.
IT WAS CALLED
'THE NIGHT OF THE LONG KNIVES.'"
THIS FRIDAY,
OUR TIME WILL COME.
WE'RE GOING TO TEACH
THESE CRETINS A LESSON
THEY'RE NEVER GONNA FORGET.
YEAH, WE WILL.
THERE'S SOMETHING
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE MET ONE OF THESE PESTS
THREE MONTHS AGO
WHEN WE GO THOSE T-SHIRTS MADE,
AND HE WAS A BIG FAT LOSER.
NOW HIM AND HIS BUDDIES
ARE WREAKING HAVOC ON US! HOW?
YES, IT FEELS LIKE
SOMEBODY ELSE
IS BEHIND THIS.
ANOTHER GIRL GANG?
( gasps )
THE ECHO PARK PUTAS?
SILVERLAKE SKANKS?
THE THREE ONE HOES?
THE LOS FELIZ LESBOS?
WHO KNOWS?
BUT BY SACRIFICING
ONE OF OUR OWN,
THEY'LL GET THE MESSAGE
THAT WE WE'RE NO PLAYING AROUND.
SOMETHING ABOUT THIS
SEEMS FAMILIAR.
IS IT A MAN,
A PLAYER OUT FOR REVENGE?
SLICE, GRETCHEN, ELLE,
I WANT YOU TO HIT THE STREETS.
TALK TO YOUR PEOPLE,
BUST SOME BALLS...
SUCK THEM IF YOU HAVE TO,
BUT FIND OU WHO IS PULLING THE STRINGS.
WE WILL.
GOOD.
THEN TASSELING IN,
NEXT SATURDAY,
YVONNE WILL GET HER BOOBS,
COURTNEY WILL BE BACK
IN THE GANG,
AND THESE FOOLS WILL RUE
THE DAY THAT THEY CROSSED US.
YEAH!
YEAH!
YEAH!
NIGHT OF THE LONG NAILS.
( cheering )
WHY ARE WE DRINKING BRANDY?
'CAUSE CHURCHILL
USED TO DRINK IT.
OH, YEAH. THAT JAMAICAN GUY
YOU USED TO DATE.
HE WAS SO HOT.
LOVED HIM.
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
AND? LOOK, ALL I KNOW
IS THAT IT WORKS,
AND YOUR CLIENTS
LOVE IT, RIGHT?
THEY'RE PATIENTS.
YES, THE RESULTS
ARE IMPRESSIVE.
THANK YOU.
BUT BEFORE YOU GO,
YOU'RE A BIT OF
LADIES MAN, RIGHT?
YEAH, I HAVE MY MOMENTS.
I HAVE A BIT OF
A PROBLEM HERE.
EVERY NOW AND THEN
I MEET A GIRL
THAT I LIKE,
ONE THAT SEEMS ALMOS TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE,
THEN I DO SOME WORK ON HER,
AND SHE DISAPPEARS.
MM-HMM. SO YOU THINK
YOU'RE BEING PLAYED?
NOT SURE, BUT THERE IS
THIS ONE GIRL...
SHE'S VERY NICE TO ME.
TOO NICE.
ALL RIGHT, WELL,
HERE'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO...
IT IS SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD
TO SEE YOU, TOO, BABY.
YOU'RE HUNGRY RIGHT?
I AM STARVING.
I LOVE THIS PLACE.
I AM SO HAPPY
THAT YOU PICKED IT.
WE ALL REALLY MISS YOU
AT THE MEETINGS.
OH, MY GOD,
I MISS YOU GUYS, TOO!
STOP.
NOW THERE'S AN ARMY OF TWO.
TAKE CARE OF THEM, SUGAR.
OKAY.
AND YOU, LET'S SEE
THOSE PRIVATES ON PARADE.
I LIKE HOW YOU'RE
SHOWCASING THAT PUSSY.
LOOKIN' GOOD.
( spanks )
WHOA. THAT SKIRT'S
WAY TOO LONG.
COME ON.
BE ALL YOU CAN BE.
LET'S SEE THESE.
THE NIPPLES ARE JUS RIGHT AT THE EDGE.
GOOD, SHOW THOSE GIRLS OFF.
FROM RUSSIA WITH LOVE.
ARE YOU READY
FOR YOUR MISSION?
DA, GRETCHEN.
HANDLE IT.
I SEE YOU BROUGHT OU THE BIG GUNS.
SHAKE THOSE BABIES.
SLICE MY GLAMAZON.
TURN AROUND.
LET'S TIGHTEN UP THAT T-BACK.
IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.
EXCELLENT JOB, GRETCHEN.
THANK YOU.
LET ME SEE THOSE TEARS.
( crying )
TOO MUCH?
NO, EXCELLENT.
IT'S TIME FOR ME
TO GO TAKE CARE OF THIS
COURTNEY SITUATION.
WENDY, YOU KNOW YOU DON' NEED TO DO THIS, RIGHT?
YOU'RE MY SISTERS.
I COULDN'T ASK YOU
TO DO ANYTHING
I WOULDN'T DO MYSELF.
THIS IS WAR...
AND WE'RE THE SEX BOMBS.
( crying )
I'M SORRY,
ARE YOU OK?
NO. MY PHONE DIED,
AND I REALLY NEED
TO SEND AN EMAIL,
OR MY BOSS IS
GONNA FIRE ME.
THAT'S OKAY.
I LIVE RIGHT HERE.
YOU CAN TOTALLY
USE MY COMPUTER.
REALLY?
OF COURSE.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
REMEMBER WHEN YOU
FIXED MY TRANSMISSION?
WELL, I'M PREGNANT.
I DON'T WAN A KID WITH YOU.
ME NEITHER.
HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ARE YOU CRAZY?
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.
MY WIFE IS UPSTAIRS.
WELL, I SUGGEST YOU TELL HER
TO COME DOWN HERE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
I'M PREGNANT.
SHH!
SO, ANYWAY, I NEED MONEY
TO TAKE CARE OF THIS.
NO, NO, NO. YOU SAID
TO ME THAT YOU ARE USING
CONTRACEPTIVE PILLS.
UGH, AZIS, I TOLD YOU,
IT DOESN'T ALWAYS WORK
ALL THE TIME.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
THAT'S NOT MY BABY.
I GOT SIX WHITE BITCHES
ON DECK RIGHT NOW.
I GOT BABY MOMMA'S
FROM HERE TO DETROIT.
YOU AIN'T SAYING NOTHING.
HOW MUCH TO SUCK IT OUT?
WANNA SPLIT IT?
OKAY.
JONZO?
YEAH?
JONZO, CAN I TALK TO YOU?
WE'RE KIND OF BUSY HERE.
WELL, CAN YOU TAKE FIVE,
'CAUSE IT'S IMPORTANT.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF REHEARSAL.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER ME?
UM...YEAH.
THE BATHROOM
AT THE BURGUNDY?
YEAH, THE FUCKING BATHROOM
AT THE BURGUNDY.
I TOTALLY REMEMBER THAT.
WHAT'S GOING ON?
I'M PREGNANT,
THAT'S HOW I'M DOING.
PREGNANT?
THIS IS GOOD NEWS.
THIS IS A GIFT FROM THE LORD.
NO, ACTUALLY,
A GIFT FROM YOU.
$450. WELL,
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING,
DO YOU THINK WE COULD
WORK SOMETHING OUT?
SHIT, YOU WANNA FUCK
WITH MISS KIM RIGHT THERE
ON CRENSHAW AND FLORENCE.
HOW THE HELL
DO YOU KNOW IT'S MINE?
'CAUSE YOU CAME IN ME!
I FUCKING REMEMBER
THAT NIGHT.
I ASKED IF I COULD COME,
YOU SAID YES, I COULD COME.
ON MY TITS!
FOUR HUNDRED
AND FUCKING FIFTY DOLLARS!
I DON'T HAVE
THAT MONEY ON ME.
YOU SHOULD SAY THAT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I
SUPPOSED TO DO ABOUT THAT?
SHE GOT THIS NAIL SALON
OUT FRONT, RIGHT,
BUT YOU GO TO THE BACK,
SHE GOT THE ABORTION CLINIC.
COME ON.
GET THE HELLS
FROM OUT OF HERE.
GET YOUR NAILS DONE
AT THE SAME TIME.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
PEDICURE, JUMP OFF,
EVERYTHING.
IT WAS A LOT OF FUN.
DO YOUR HOMEWORK.
HE'S A FERTILE
LITTLE FUCKER, OKAY?
YOU'RE PREGNANT?
SHIT. YOU THINK I GO THIS MOTHERFUCKING PAID
FROM PAYING CHILD SUPPORT?
FUCK! FUCK!
AFTER THAT NIGHT,
I NEVER HEARD FROM YOU.
YEAH, I'VE BEEN
TAKING THE TRAIN,
BUT THAT'S NO WHAT I'M HERE ABOUT.
YOU SEE, I'M PREGNANT.
DON'T BE UPSET, DARLING.
THAT'S WONDERFUL NEWS.
YOU CAN MOVE IN WITH ME.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE
LOTS OF CHILDREN,
BIG FAMILY, STRONG SONS.
I GOTTA GO.
I'VE HAD THIS ONE FANTASY
FOR THE LONGEST TIME.
LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT.
OH, COME FUCKING ON!
( sighs )
MARSHMALLOWY GOODNESS.
YOU KNOW,
IT'S MY FAVORITE CEREAL.
JUST SAYING.
THANK GOD.
( sighs )
I NEED A DRINK.
DO YOU HAVE ANY VODKA?
YEAH.
YEAH?
YEAH, LET ME
GO GET SOME.
AND, YOU KNOW,
WE LOVE YOU TO DEATH,
AND IF ANYTHING
WERE TO HAPPEN,
YOU KNOW YOU CAN ALWAYS
COME BACK TO THE MEETINGS,
AND WE'D ALWAYS
BE THERE FOR YOU.
THANK YOU.
MEMORY FOAM.
I LOVE IT.
YOU CAN'T PUT A PRICE
ON A GOOD NIGHT IN BED.
DO YOU MIND IF I SMOKE?
NO. NO, NO, NO.
BY ALL MEANS.
LET ME
GO GET AN ASHTRAY.
HEY.
HEY, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I'M ALL RIGHT,
BUT, I DON'T KNOW,
I KIND OF FEEL LIKE THIS
ONE IS BIGGER.
YOU CAN'T TELL ANYTHING
UNTIL THE CAST IS OFF.
THEY'RE GONNA LOOK
SO HOT.
THEY'LL SETTLE IN SOON,
CUTIE.
YOU PROMISE?
MM-HMM.
OKAY, YOU GUYS,
LET'S GET THIS SHOW
ON THE ROAD.
HEY, MAX. YEAH.
PUT HIM ON SPEAKER.
YEAH.
Max: I WAS THINKING WE COULD
HANG OUT TONIGHT, BABE.
YOU KNOW WHAT,
I WAS THINKING
THE EXACT SAME THING.
ALL RIGHT, SO, YEAH,
YOU KNOW, WE'LL MEET UP,
AND WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN
TONIGHT, BABY.
MOTHERFUCKER,
I CAN'T BELIEVE
THIS DOUCHEBAG.
OH, WAIT, CAN YOU BRING
YOUR FRIEND GLEN?
OH, YEAH, I'LL BRING HIM.
I'M LOOKING AT HIS BIG ASS NOW,
MAKING A TRIPLE-DECKER SANDWICH.
Jasmine:
OKAY, BIG KISS.
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S JASMINE?
YVONNE'S FRIEND?
THAT'S
A DANGEROUS GAME, MAN.
NAH, MAN, LOOK,
ACTUALLY IT'S COOL
BECAUSE YVONNE'S
IN THE HOSPITAL
GETTING HER TITS DONE.
NICE ROTATION, BRO.
AND SHE'S BRINGING
A FRIEND JUST FOR YOU!
WHAT?!
YEAH, MAN!
YOUR HAIR IS BEAUTIFUL.
WHAT COLOR IS THAT?
I'M A DIRTY BLONDE.
OHH. HEY, WOULD YOU
LIKE ANOTHER DRINK?
I CAN'T TONIGHT, SWEETIE.
IT'S MY TIME OF THE MONTH.
NO, NO, NO. I DIDN' EVEN MEAN IT LIKE THAT.
OF COURSE YOU DIDN'T.
THAT'S NOT WHA WAS TALKING ABOUT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR EVERYTHING.
UM, CAN I USE YOUR RESTROOM?
YEAH. UH,
IT'S RIGHT OVER THERE.
( beeping )
OHH.
( sighs )
ARE--ARE YOU OKAY?
YEAH, IT'S JUST MY MOM.
MY STUPID KID'S ACTING UP,
AND I HAVE TO GO AND SEE IT.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW
YOU WERE A MOM.
I KNOW, RIGHT?
LOOK AT ME.
YOU'RE WAY TOO HO TO BE A MOM.
EVERYBODY SAYS THAT.
I KNOW. I MEAN,
I'M A GOOD MOM.
I SEE MY KID EVERY MONTH.
BUT I'M MORE WORRIED
ABOUT YOU.
OH, I'M TOTALLY COOL.
MY BOYFRIEND ACTUALLY LIVES
RIGHT NEXT DOOR, SO...
Glen: SO SERIOUSLY
YOU SAID SHE WAS
BRINGING SOME FRIENDS?
TWO FRIENDS.
TWO FRIENDS?
GRADE A FUCKING TAIL?
TWO TENDERONIES.
TWO?
HEY, WHAT'S UP, GIRL?
HELLO. GLEN,
THESE ARE MY FRIENDS
CANDACE AND DENISE.
HI. HOW ARE YOU?
HI.
YOU GUYS LOOK FANTASTIC.
I'M DOING GOOD OBVIOUSLY.
BYE.
BYE, AARON.
( phone vibrating )
HI, HEY, SWEETHEART.
GOT YOUR OWN LITTLE REFUGEE
CAMBODIAN OUTFIT ON.
MM-HMM. MMM, YEAH.
I LIKE THAT LOOK
YOU GOT GOING ON.
LOOK LIKE
YOU IN TRAINING MODE.
YOU ARE READY FOR ACTION.
I KNOW.
I'M A TOUGH GIRL.
I LIKE THESE LITTLE
EARRINGS YOU GOT, TOO.
MMM, I LIKE THIS
LITTLE THIGH MEA STICKING OUT RIGHT HERE.
MEAT?
GONNA STICK MY FORK IN IT!
ALISSA, AMY, CARMEN.
Glen:
WHAT ARE WE HAVING?
LET'S DO SHOTS.
LET'S DO SHOTS.
THAT SOUNDS GREAT.
IT'S EARLY.
LET'S GET THE PARTY STARTED.
GLEN...
HEY, GRETCHEN.
YEAH, WHAT'S UP?
I NEED TO TALK TO YOU...
IN PRIVATE.
RIGHT NOW?
IT'S IMPORTANT.
NOW.
OKAY.
EXCUSE ME, LADIES.
ZELDA.
SEND.
OH, IT'S THE TEXT.
OH, THIS IS PRICELESS.
"IT'S MAX,
AND I'M HORNY.
"WHICH ONE OF MY BITCHES
IS UP RIGHT NOW,
"READY FOR A FACELOAD
OF JIZZ?
I GOT THE BEER."
OH, MY GOD.
THAT IS SO EPIC.
WHO DO YOU THINK THIS
WENT OUT TO?
KNOWING WENDY, PROBABLY EVERY
SINGLE FEMALE IN HIS PHONE.
( beeping )
FUCKING ASSCLOWN!
THANK YOU.
NO, I'M GOOD.
BUT WE USED A CONDOM.
( sighs )
IT BROKE SOMETIMES, REMEMBER?
BECAUSE YOU WERE "TOO BIG"?
THANK YOU.
OH, MY GOD.
LET ME SEE.
PERVERT!
FIVE MINUTES?!
UM, NO, NO, NO, IT'S FINE.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
UM, I'M JUST GOING TO BE
STRAIGHTENING UP.
OKAY. OKAY, BYE.
FUCK!
LOOK AT THAT KNEE.
MMM.
UM, I HAVE TO GO.
WHAT?
YEAH.
YOU GOTTA GO?
MM-HMM.
WHY?
NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.
GIRL STUFF. COME ON.
GIRL STUFF? NO, YOU DID NO JUST KISS ME ON MY FOREHEAD.
$500.
$500?
I KNOW.
DO YOU HAVE ANY OF IT?
NO, I DON'T HAVE
ANY OF IT.
THAT'S WHY I'M HERE
TALKING TO YOU.
I DON'T KNOW. I MEAN,
I COULD ASK MY MOM,
BUT SHE WANTS GRANDKIDS,
SO WHAT...
GOD.
DID YOU DO ANY,
LIKE, SHOPPING AROUND?
IT'S MY VAGINA!
( phone rings )
Text voice:
IT'S MAX.
IT'S FROM MAX!
"TEXT TO LANDLINE"
MESSAGE. IT'S MAX.
IT'S A "TEXT TO LANDLINE"
MESSAGE.
...AND READY
FOR A FACELOAD OF JIZZ?
WHAT IDIOTS.
THEY TOTALLY DESERVED IT.
( beeping )
OH...
MOMMY,
WHAT'S "JIZZ" MEAN?
WHERE DID YOU
GET THAT FILTH?
MAX.
( phone vibrates and rings )
PICK UP!
SCHOOL'S OUT, AARON.
JOHNNY...I FUCKED UP.
OKAY, RELAX.
ALL RIGHT,
MR. "PERFECT BOYFRIEND,"
LOOK, JUST STOP AND THINK.
WHAT DID SHE TOUCH?
Johnny: DID SHE DRINK ANYTHING?
CHECK FOR LIPSTICK.
WHAT ABOUT CIGARETTES?
WAS SHE SMOKING?
CHECK THE BED.
TAKE A LINT ROLLER TO THE BED.
ALL RIGHT, LOOK,
TAKE A DEEP BREATH.
JUST LOOK AROUND CAREFULLY.
LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS.
HI.
MMM, LUCKY YOU WERE
JUST AROUND THE CORNER!
HAVE YOU BEEN SMOKING?
NO. NO.
WHAT ARE YOU--NO.
OH, MY GOD.
SHIT.
( phone ringing )
YOU WERE RIGHT.
HE JUST HAD SOME
MENSTRUATING WHORE OVER HERE!
COME ON, SWEETIE.
YOU KNEW THIS DAY WOULD COME.
I KNOW. I JUST...
I DIDN'T THINK
IT WOULD HAPPEN SO SOON.
I MEAN, I REALLY,
REALLY LIKED HIM.
YEAH, SHE'S IN THE BATHROOM.
I THINK IT'S COOL.
UH, THANK YOU SO MUCH, MAN.
SERIOUSLY YOU SAVED MY LIFE.
NO PROBLEM, BUT, DUDE, IF YOU
INSIST ON HAVING A GIRLFRIEND--
NO, NO, NO. I WASN'T EVEN
GOING TO DO ANYTHING, DUDE.
PLUS, SHE WAS ON HER PERIOD.
HER PERIOD.
DID YOU CHECK THE BATHROOM?
OH, FUCK!
OH, SHIT!
HE'S A BOY.
BOYS WOULD FUCK A STICK
OF BUTTER IF THEY COULD.
HE'S BASICALLY AS FAITHFUL
AS THE OPTIONS OPEN TO HIM.
I'M GONNA KILL HIM.
NO. DON'T DO A THING.
YOU'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY
COMING UP NEXT WEEKEND,
DON'T YOU?
YES.
OKAY, CLEAN UP THE BLOOD,
DRY YOUR EYES,
AND PRETEND
LIKE NOTHING HAPPENED.
WE ARE GOING TO TURN
THIS WHOLE THING AROUND.
OKAY. CAN I COME BACK
TO THE MEETINGS?
OF COURSE YOU CAN,
SWEETIE.
COME NEXT WEEK,
WE'LL GET YOU TASSELED IN,
AND WE'LL HAVE SOME FUN.
OH, AND YVONNE'S GOING TO BE
UNVEILING HER NEW BOOBIES!
GOOD. I CANT WAIT.
THANKS.
HEY, GUYS.
GIRL, WHAT'S UP?
HOW DID IT GO?
HOW DID IT GO?
AWESOME!
GET DOWN!
YEAH, WE DID!
WE SENT THE TEXT MESSAGE
FROM HELL!
I'M SORRY I WASN'T THERE.
( all speaking at once )
THEY KNOW WHO'S IN CHARGE.
ABSOLUTELY.
BABE,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
( sadly )
YES.
ARE YOU CRYING?
NO. IT'S MY ALLERGIES.
SO, WHERE ARE YOU TAKING ME
FOR MY BIRTHDAY?
UM, WHAT ABOU THAT LITTLE RESTAURAN YOU LIKE DOWNTOWN?
YEAH. WHAT ABOUT MAUI?
( grunts )
WHERE YOU BEEN AT, MAN?
BEEN AT THE FUCKING ATM.
THIS IS...
THIS IS DEEP SHIT, MAN.
SHIT. YOU GOT NO IDEA, MAN.
I BEEN GETTING SOME
CRAZY ASS TEXT MESSAGES.
YEAH?
( phone ringing )
HEY, WHAT'S UP, MOM?
? WE ARE THE LADIES
OF THE T.O.B. ?
? WITH THE BOOTY
THAT THEY WANT ?
? BUT THIS SHIT AIN'T CHEAP
? WE NEED MORE JEWELRY
AND TIGS FOR RELAXIN' ?
? TANNING BOOTHS AND SILICON
AND INTIMATE WAXIN' ?
? WE NEVER HAVE TO PAY
'CAUSE WE GOT THESE ?
? TIG OLD BITTIES,
WE RUN THIS CITY ?
? COURTNEY'S IN OUR GANG
'CAUSE SHE'S GOT TIG BITTIES ?
( cheering )
YOU DODGED A BULLET,
MY FRIEND.
$450 FOR AN ABORTION,
OR 18 YEARS OF CHILD SUPPORT?
THAT IS A LOT OF MONEY.
YEAH,
THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.
NOW, COURTNEY,
THAT WAS THE EASY PART,
BUT TIME
TO JUMP YOU IN!
( cheering )
( chanting )
COURTNEY, COURTNEY, COURTNEY...
( cheering, screaming )
ONCHIE! ONCHIE!
AND WHAT ARE YOU
SO MISERABLE ABOUT?
YOU GOT LUCKY, TOO.
I KNOW.
I JUST FEEL BAD.
WHY? 'CAUSE YOU
DIDN'T GET TO FUCK
THAT CENTERFOLD
YOU "HELPED"?
DID THEY PAY UP?
MOSTLY.
GOD, I'VE FUCKED
SOME CHEAP BASTARDS.
BUT WE DID MAKE SOME
MONEY, RIGHT, WENDY?
WELL, BECAUSE OF YOU,
GRETCHEN, $2000!
HOLLA!
HOLLA!
NICE.
DUDE, SHE ASKED ME TO TAKE HER
TO HAWAII FOR HER BIRTHDAY.
( laughing )
YOU'RE 25.
YOU DON'T NEED ALL THAT!
NO, I KNOW,
YOU'RE RIGHT.
I SHOULD PROBABLY
CALL HER, MAN,
AND MAKE THINGS
A BIT LESS FORMAL.
CALL HER.
( laughing )
( phone vibrating )
OH, IT'S THE BOY.
SHALL I DITCH IT?
NO. TAKE IT.
THIS IS GONNA BE EPIC.
YEAH, AND FIND OU WHAT HIS LITTLE FRIENDS
ARE DOING.
OKAY.
HELLO?
WHERE IS YVONNE?
I ALWAYS DITCH THEM ALL
EVERY SIX MONTHS.
IT'S VERY LIBERATING.
ALL EXCEP THE ONE YOU LOVED.
COME ON, DUDE, WE'VE BEEN
THROUGH A LOT, MAN.
WHY DON'T YOU TELL US
WHAT HAPPENED?
( crying )
THEY'RE PARTYING!
ONE IS EXCITED
BECAUSE HE DOESN' HAVE TO HAVE A KID,
AND THE OTHER ONE HAS
A BUNCH OF DATES LINED UP,
AND AARON WANTS TO MAKE
THINGS "LESS FORMAL."
OHH...
OHH...
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
SWEETHEART?
SHOW THEM.
( sniffling )
( crying )
( women gasping )
OHH! WHAT?!
OH, MY GOD!
HE SAID THAT ONE
OF THE IMPLANTS
WAS CRACKED
AND THAT THEY
DIDN'T NOTICE UNTIL THEY
WERE GONNA IMPLANT IT.
DICK.
ASSHOLE!
WHEN IS HE GONNA DO
THE OTHER ONE?
HE SAID BOOKED ALL MONTH,
BUT HE WANTS TO TAKE ME
TO VEGAS NEXT WEEK!
SNEAKY
LITTLE BASTARD!
AND LOOK WHAT HE GAVE HER
FOR HER SCAR TISSUE.
LOOK WHAT HE GAVE ME
FOR THE SCAR TISSUE.
KELOCOTE.
KELOCOTE.
JOHNNY EYELASH.
WAIT.
AARON HAS A FRIEND
NAMED JOHNNY.
SO DOES MAX.
SO DOES GLEN, AND HE'S ALWAYS
TALKING ABOUT HOW COOL HE IS.
WHO IS THIS JOHNNY EYELASHES?
I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN
HIS FAGGY LITTLE FINGERPRINTS
WERE ALL OVER THIS.
HE WAS PULLING THE STRINGS
ALL ALONG.
WHO IS THIS JOHNNY EYELASH,
AND WHY IS HE RUINING
MY LIFE?
HE'S A BOY THAT I...
WE USED TO DATE.
Max:
SHE WAS AMAZING.
I WAS IN NEW YORK.
WE WERE YOUNG,
WE WERE LIVING TOGETHER,
AND I WAS REALLY
IN LOVE WITH HER.
I WAS REALLY HAPPY.
Little Wendy: I DIDN'T KNOW THA I COULD LOVE SOMEONE SO MUCH.
Big Wendy:
I KNEW HIM, TOO.
THAT'S HOW WE MET.
HE HAS A LONG HISTORY
WITH THIS GANG.
HE'S THE REASON
WHY WE STARTED THE T.O.B.
YEAH, WHAT DOES T.O.B.
STAND FOR?
I WAS REALLY INTO HER,
BUT SHE WAS
A FUCKING PSYCHO NIGHTMARE.
I MEAN, THIS CHICK WAS BATS.
Little Wendy:
I'D BEEN DATING HIM
FOR A COUPLE OF MONTHS.
I WAS YOUNG AND IN LOVE.
WE HAD JUST MOVED IN TOGETHER.
IT WAS ONE OF THOSE DAYS
IN SPRING
WHERE YOU JUST WAN TO STAY OUTSIDE ALL DAY.
Johnny: I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU EVER LIVED IN NEW YORK,
BUT THERE'S THAT ONE DAY
IN SPRING
WHEN YOU LEAVE THE HOUSE,
BAM--
TITTIES
AND MIDRIFFS EVERYWHERE.
Little Wendy:
SO WE'RE HAVING A NICE WALK
WHEN THIS BEAUTIFUL GIRL
WALKS PAST.
IT WAS WENDY.
I WAS YOUNG
AND UNPREPARED FOR IT,
THEN THIS SMOKING CHICK
WALKED PAST,
WITH TITTIES FROM HELL.
I MEAN, BIG ONES,
BRAND-NEW, OUT ON DISPLAY,
SO I CATCH HER
OUT THE CORNER OF MY EYE.
TIG OLD BITTIES!
Little Wendy: AND THIS WAS
BEFORE I HAD MY BOOBS,
SO I WAS LITTLE BIT MORE
SENSITIVE ABOUT IT BACK THEN.
Johnny:
SHE JUST WENT FUCKING CRAZY.
SO LATER THAT NIGH WE WERE AT THIS CLUB, RIGHT?
AND I SEE THIS CHICK AGAIN.
SO WE WENT INTO ONE OF
THOSE UNISEX BATHROOMS.
ANYWAYS, I'M IN THE STALL,
AND I'M GETTING A BLOWJOB,
RIGHT?
AND SHE JUST BUST RIGHT IN.
Little Wendy:
I SAW WENDY IN THERE,
AND I DIDN'T KNOW HER NAME,
SO I JUST SCREAMED,
"TIG OLD BITTIES!
THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND."
Johnny: AND THE OTHER ONE,
SHE SPAT ON ME--
MY OWN JIZZ!
YEAH, AND IT DOES BURN,
BY THE WAY.
BUT WENDY WAS NICE.
SHE DIDN'T KNOW.
SHE SAID SHE WAS SORRY,
AND WE BECAME FRIENDS.
AND WE ENDED UP MEETING FABIO
AND HAVING THIS CRAZY THREEWAY
BACK AT THE HOTEL.
( women laughing )
FABIO!
FABIO!
OH, WENDY, DON'T WORRY.
THERE'S PLENTY OF FABIO
TO GO AROUND.
FUNNY THING,
THEY WERE BOTH CALLED WENDY.
WENDY? THAT CHICK
THAT CAME OVER
AND NEARLY GOT ME BUSTED
WAS NAMED WENDY.
YEAH, YVONNE'S
ALWAYS GOING ON
ABOUT THE WENDYS.
WENDYS! OF COURSE.
IT WAS THEM ALL ALONG.
THOSE LITTLE BITCHES.
JOHNNY EYELASH.
WE'RE GONNA TAKE HIM DOWN
ONCE AND FOR ALL.
HE STARTED ALL THIS,
AND WE'RE GONNA FINISH IT.
BUT TO DO IT, WE NEED TO MOVE
TO A NEW STAGE OF OUR LIVES.
YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS,
WENDY.
YES, I DO.
THE NUCLEAR OPTION.
JOHNNY!
HOW ARE YOU DOING?
WHAT'S UP, BRO?
THANK YOU.
YOU GOT IT.
JOHNNY EYELASH.
COME OVER HERE.
OKAY, WHAT THE FUCK
DO YOU TWO WANT?
OH, JOHNNY EYELASH.
ALWAYS THE CHARMER, AREN'T YA?
EXCEPT WHEN YOU'RE CHEATING
ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND.
WHAT IS THIS,
ANOTHER ONE OF
YOUR LITTLE SCHEMES
TO PULL OVER ON ME
AND MY BOYS?
NO. CALM DOWN.
WE'RE JUST EXTENDING
AN OLIVE BRANCH.
OH, REALLY?
COME AND SIT OVER HERE,
JOHNNY.
I'M OKAY RIGHT HERE,
THANKS.
OUCH.
OUCH.
VODKA GIMLET,
RIGHT?
THANK YOU.
SO HOW IS THE BOOB CREAM
BUSINESS?
IT'S GOING WELL, ACTUALLY.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING.
AND HOW IS
YOUR "WORK" GOING?
GOOD.
YEAH?
WE HAVE A HOUSE.
SERIOUSLY?
YEAH.
AND A COMMITTEE.
YEAH, I HEARD ABOU THE COMMITTEE.
AND A BUNCH OF GIRLS.
SO WHAT, ARE YOU GUYS
DRINKING, TOO?
OR AM I ON MY OWN?
COME ON,
COME SIT OVER HERE.
OKAY.
UHH.
SO, JOHNNY, YOU REMEMBER
WHEN WE FIRST MET, RIGHT?
YEAH, I REMEMBER.
LET'S DO A TOAST.
OF COURSE I REMEMBER.
YOU WERE SO HOT.
ALL RIGHT, A TOAST.
( all speaking at once )
TO NEW TIMES.
AND OLD TIMES.
IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.
IT WASN'T MY FINEST MOMENT,
SORRY.
YOU WANNA GET COZY, PLEASE?
ALL RIGHT.
WENDY, TELL HIM.
YEAH, WENDY, TELL HIM.
WE WANT A BABY.
( laughs )
SERIOUSLY?
YEAH. WE'RE SICK
OF ALL THE PARTIES
AND TRYING TO FIND
THE PERFECT GUY.
YOU WANT ME TO GET ONE
OF YOU TWO PREGNANT?
WENDY AND I
LIKE EACH OTHER.
A LOT, IF YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN.
BUT WE BOTH
STILL LIKE DICK.
SO HERE'S
WHAT WE'RE THINKING.
WHY DON'T WE
POOL OUR RESOURCES,
AND THE THREE OF US
MOVE IN TOGETHER?
THE THREE OF US
LIVE TOGETHER?
UH-HUH.
OH, MY GOD.
WE ALL SLEEP TOGETHER,
BUT THE DEAL IS
NONE OF US THREE
CAN SLEEP
WITH ANYBODY ELSE.
AND TO KEEP THE BOND STRONG,
YOU HAVE TO MARRY ONE OF US,
AND GET THE OTHER ONE PREGNANT.
OKAY, WAIT A MINUTE...
MARRY?
UH-HUH.
DON'T YOU WANT A SON?
AND YOU GE TO SHOW US BOTH OFF,
ONE ON EACH ARM.
AND YOU GET YOUR CHOICE
OF SIX HOLES.
EVERY NIGHT.
EVERY NIGHT.
WE WILL FUCK YOU
INTO LITTLE PIECES.
IN HALF.
UPSIDE-DOWN.
THIS IS BULLSHIT.
I WANNA GO FIRST.
HE LIKES ME BETTER.
I WANT TO SUCK IT.
NO, I WANT TO SUCK IT.
HEY, HEY, HEY, LADIES!
BULLSHIT,
YOU WENT LAST NIGHT.
YOU SUCKED IT FIRS THIS MORNING.
IT'S MY TURN.
OKAY, OKAY, LADIES,
DON'T BE GREEDY.
YOU CAN SHARE, ALL RIGHT?
YOU GET THE LEFT SIDE,
YOU GET THE RIGHT SIDE.
ONE BALL EACH.
AND, GO.
( women giggling )
OKAY.
WHOA, SLOW IT DOWN.
BUT YOU CAN'T CHEAT.
NEVER.
OR YOU'LL PAY.
NO WAY.
LOOK, I COULD SERIOUSLY CONSIDER
THIS KIND OF AN ARRANGEMENT.
AND I WOULD NEVER CHEAT.
NEVER.
NO WAY.
Max:
WITHIN THREE MONTHS,
THE FIRST PART OF THEIR PLAN
WAS COMPLETE.
HE WAS MARRIED TO ONE,
GOT THE OTHER ONE PREGNANT,
AND THEY ALL LIVED
UNDER THE SAME ROOF.
AND FOR A WHILE,
JOHNNY WAS FAITHFUL
AND HAPPY WITH HIS
SIX-HOLE ARRANGEMENT.
BUT THESE GIRLS WERE SNEAKY.
IT WAS ALL JUST A SETUP
FOR THE FINAL PHASE
OF THE NUCLEAR OPTION.
ALL RIGHT,
LET'S GET THIS
OVER WITH.
THIS IS A GOOD THING.
I KNOW.
THIS IS A GREAT THING!
OHH. VERONICA?
YEAH,
OPERATION CHEATING HEAR IS A GO.
TELL HER
TO GIVE HIM A CHANCE.
NOT THAT HE'S GONNA
TAKE IT, BUT...
GO EASY ON HIM, OKAY?
ALL RIGHT, VERONICA,
SO BASICALLY YOU'RE GOING TO
APPLY IT TO THE WHOLE SCAR
AND JUST WAIT FOR IT TO DRY
BEFORE YOU GET DRESSED.
IT'S PRETTY SIMPLE.
HERE, LET ME.
UM, WHICH ONE SHOULD
I PUT IT ON?
BOTH.
I THINK I PUT TOO MUCH.
THAT'S FINE.
JUST APPLY A THIN LAYER.
NOT SURE I'M DOING I PROPERLY. JOHNNY?
OKAY.
( moaning,
laughs )
NOW I GET IT.
OH, SO GOOD.
IT'LL FORM A PROTECTIVE SEAL
OVER THE EPIDERMIS.
YOU'RE SO CLEVER, JOHNNY.
VERONICA,
I DON'T SEE A SCAR.
WHAT?
THERE'S NO SCAR.
THERE'S A LITTLE SLIT.
THERE'S A SLIT? WHERE?
HERE.
? HEY
FUCK IT.
Max: THOSE BITCHES
GOT JOHNNY GOOD.
THEY HAD HIM
CHEATING ON VIDEO,
AND WHEN THE JUDGE
SAW THE TAPE,
HE GAVE HALF HIS SHI TO LITTLE WENDY FOR ALIMONY,
AND THE OTHER HALF TO BIG WENDY
FOR CHILD SUPPORT.
AND NOW THEY LIVE
VERY COMFORTABLY.
AND DAMN...THAT WAS ONE
WELL-DRESSED BABY!
BUT JOHNNY
MADE THE BEST OF IT.
HE PIMPED THE SHIT OU OF THAT KID.
OH, THANK YOU SO MUCH.
MY PLEASURE.
YOU LOOK GREAT,
BY THE WAY.
Max: GLEN TRIED TO FOLLOW
IN JOHNNY'S FOOTSTEPS...
...HOW MUCH YOU'VE
SPENT ON IT...
BUT NOT EVERYONE'S
GOT THE TOUCH.
IT'S JUST A SERVICE
I PROVIDE MY CLIENTS.
ARE YOU KIDDING?
EW, APPLY THEM
ON YOUR OWN TITS!
WELL, BUT I HAVEN' HAD A BOOB JOB.
Max: YVONNE FINALLY GO HER OTHER TITTY.
IT'S ALREADY PAID FOR ITSELF.
LOOK AT THEM TITTIES!
WHAT THE FUCK!
Max: HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
STILL RAGE.
( blows whistle )
EVERYBODY, OUT!
YOU DON'T WANNA FUCK
WITH THE T.O.B.
LET'S GO, GIRLS.
WELL, I FEEL
A LITTLE BIT BETTER
THAT YOU'RE SORRY...
THE WENDYS EVENTUALLY
CAME CLEAN ABOUT THE FRAME JOB,
AND COURTNEY QUIT THE T.O.B.
I JUST FOUND THEM.
EW.
AGAINST JOHNNY'S ADVICE,
AARON FESSED UP
ABOUT THE GIRL AT THE PARTY.
TURNS OUT HE WASN'T THE ONLY
ONE WHO "MADE A MISTAKE."
I FUCKING CHEATED
ON YOU, TOO, SO THERE!
WHAT?!
WITH THE WENDYS OU OF THE PICTURE,
LOVE WAS ABLE TO FIND A WAY.
AND THAT'S WHY WE HAVING THIS
BANGING-ASS BACHELOR PARTY!
YOU KNOW, YOU TAUGHT ME
HOW TO FIND A GOOD ONE,
AND I FOUND A GOOD ONE.
YOU DID.
I GOTTA ADMIT, YOU DID.
SHE'S A COOL CHICK.
THANKS, MAN.
I LOVE YOU, MAN.
I KNOW I GIVE YOU
A HARD TIME, MAN,
BUT I THINK IT'S COOL
THAT YOU GUYS
ARE GETTING MARRIED.
LET'S GET DOWN, MAN.
Max: AND ME...
I'VE GOT A DRINK IN ONE HAND,
A JOINT IN THE OTHER,
CHICKS ARE JOCKING ME,
MY BEST FRIEND'S
MARRYING A GREAT GIRL,
AND I'M IN THE SHOWER WITH
FOUR BUTT-ASS NAKED CHICKS!
CAN IT GET ANY BETTER
THAN THAT?
I LOVE MY LIFE!
? HEY
? HEY
? "H," "O"
? DOUBLE "L," "Y"
? "W," "O," "O," "D"
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? "H," "O"
? DOUBLE "L," "Y"
? "W," "O," "O," "D"
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? "H," "O"
? DOUBLE "L," "Y"
? "W," "O," "O," "D"
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? "H," "O"
? DOUBLE "L," "Y"
? "W," "O," "O," "D"
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? HOLLYWOOD SEX WARS
? GRRREEDY
? IT'S THE KOREATOWN
ODDITY ?
? OBVIOUSLY
THEY'LL PUT YOU UP ?
? ON THIS WHOLE
HOLLYWOOD THING ?
? SPECIFICALLY THE SEX WARS
? GOT STRIPPERS STACKED
ON TOP OF US ?
? BUT THIS IS NO CONNECT FOUR ?
? IT'S STRIP TWISTER
? NOW WE PARTY UP
? BUT IT WASN'T ALWAYS
LIKE THIS ?
? WHEN CHICKS
WAS MORE FRIGID ?
? THAN INTENSE WINTERS
AND ANTARCTICA ?
? BUT EVER SINCE WE GO ALL OF THE KNOWLEDGE FROM ?
? JOHNNY EYELASH,
SLOWLY AS THE TIME PASSED ?
? WE FELT BON VIVANTS ?
? YOU KNOW,
MACADOCIOUS ?
? WITH THESE BROADS
UPON OUR NUTS ?
? SO THE WENDYS
GOT BEEF ?
? AND THEY DON'T WANT I ON TWO BUNS ?
? THEY'RE THE CAPTAINS
OF CLUB T.O.B.'s ?
? HOLLYWOOD CHICK ALLIANCE
? WE GO BACK AND FORTH
? LIKE PING-PONG TEAM
CHAMPIONSHIPS IN CHINA ?
? WITH THE
ABORTION EXTORTION ?
? AND THE NUCLEAR OPTION
? TO MAKE US BOYS
WANNA FORFEIT ?
? AND LOOK STUPID
IN THE PROCESS ?
? BUT I'M STILL
SQUEEZING BREASTESES ?
? YOUR GUESS IS
I'M A PLASTIC SURGEON ?
? NOT EXACTLY,
BUT THEY DEFINITELY ?
? GOT MY PACKAGE
TURGID, TURGID, TURGID... ?