[Music playing]
COWBOY, WHlSTLlNG:
Hyah!
COWBOYS:
# Out in the land #
# Where the men
are tough as cactus #
# Out in the land where
the wild, wild west was won #
Uhh! Ahh...
# Out in the land
of the desperado #
# lf you're soft
as an avocado #
# Yee-haw!
You're guacamole, son #
# Oh, home,
this ain't it, pal #
# Home, home,
home on the range #
# Home, home,
better go git, pal #
# You ain't
home on the range #
# Out in the land where
the weak are target practice #
# Out in the land where
they shoot the mild and meek #
Ooh! Aah!
# Out where the bad
are a whole lot badder #
# lf you're the type
with a nervous bladder #
# Yip! Yow!
Your saddle's gonna reek #
# 'Cause you ain't
home on the range #
# Cowboy,
you're really up a creek #
# Home, home,
home on the range #
# Home, home,
home on the range #
# Home, home,
home on the range #
COWBOY: Howdy, sheriff!
[Snorts]
[Snorts]
MAGGlE:
Home on the range.
Once upon a time,
l had a home on the range.
But not anymore.
Well, it's no use
cryin' over spilled milk.
Speakin' of which, that's me.
l'm the cow.
[Fly buzzing]
Yeah, they're real.
Quit staring.
l'm sort of between homes
right now.
l lost my old place...
thanks to the meanest bunch of
cattle rustlers in the west--
Alameda Slim
and the Willie Brothers gang.
COWBOY: # Ooh-ee #
[Mooing]
MAGGlE: Somehow,
they stole the whole herd...
right out
from under our noses...
and then they disappeared
without a trace.
[Panting]
[Moo]
MAGGlE: After that...
poor old Abner couldn't
afford to keep the place...
or me, either, for that matter.
Well, no matter how bad
things get...
there's probably somebody
worse off.
[Whimpering]
That guy, for instance.
ABNER: Hey, Maggie.
Take a look at your new home.
MAGGlE: Hey! A dairy farm?
Now we're talkin'!
Hope it's not one of them
fat-free places.
[Upbeat music playing]
K.D. LANG:
# l know a place #
# Pretty as pie #
# Out where the river bend #
# Hits up
with the end of the sky #
# lt's left of Nebraska #
# And over a crest #
# On a little Patch of Heaven
way out west #
# Everything's green #
# Know what l mean? #
# Darlin', it's quite
the sweetest sight #
# That you ever done seen #
# Ain't nothin' much
out there #
# Just life at its best #
# On a little Patch of Heaven
way out west #
# Bees by the dozen #
# Are buzzin' real peaceful #
# Every bluebonnet,
doggone it, smells nice #
[Sneezes]
# Even
the tumblin' tumbleweed #
# Slows down
to match your speed #
# On my tiny half an acre
of paradise #
# Darlin', l swear #
# Once you been there #
# There ain't a view
beneath the blue #
# That could ever compare #
# The only thing missing #
# ls you as my guest #
# On a little Patch of Heaven
way out west #
# Why don't you come visit? #
# There's room in the nest #
# On that little
Patch of Heaven #
# Way out we-e-e-e... #
[Snoring]
# ...e-e-e-est #
[Cock-a-doodle-doo]
Wah! Aaah! Ooh! Uhh!
Oh! Uhh!
Hey, that's my boy.
PlGGlES: Can hog! Can hog!
JEB: Don't yell at me.
Oh. The call of duty.
Why don't you handle this one,
Grace?
lt's time l gave you
more responsibility on the farm.
[Pop]
Really?
Thanks, Mrs. C.
l'll make you proud.
Can hog! Can hog!
Get off my case,
little cocktail wieners!
GRACE: Whoa, whoa!
l'm sensing a lot
of negative energy here.
That's our can, and Jeb took it.
And now he says it's his can.
Now, let's not play
the shame and blame game.
This is an organic problem,
and there's a holistic solution.
You don't get this whole
farm concept, do you, sister?
Kill the goat!
[All shouting]
-Give it!
-Get the can!
-Ahem.
-We're sorry, Mrs. Caloway.
Piggies,
why can't you leave Jeb alone?
Yeah! Why can't you?
The poor old goat
needs peace and quiet.
That's right! l need it!
So, run along,
and take your can with you.
Yeah, you take that can and--
Hey! Whoa! Come back here,
you little bacon bits!
Jeb, don't you have
enough cans of your own?
Uh, no, not really.
l'd be happy to take her in,
Abner.
There's always room
for one more.
Well, thanks, Pearl.
l gotta warn you, though.
She's--heh heh--
she's a bit headstrong.
PEARL:
Oh, now, don't you worry, Abner.
l'm sure she'll fit right in.
So long, Pearl.
You take care, now.
Mrs. Caloway! Oh! Mrs. Caloway!
Mrs. Calo--
[Gasps] Mrs. Caloway,
there's a newcomer at the gate.
-Not now, Audrey.
-But it's a great big--
Everybody? This here is Maggie.
[Tires screech]
[Rock music playing]
[Plop]
PEARL: Three-time winner
of the Golden Udder Award...
and the original
Miss Happy Heifer.
A show cow?
On Patch of Heaven?
[Gasps]
PEARL: Now, l want y'all
to make her feel right at home.
You hear me?
Hey, thanks, everybody.
lt's great to be here
in Patch of Heaven.
Now, don't everybody speak
at one time.
What is this,
the frozen food section?
[Echoes] ls this thing on?
[Blows]
Ahem.
Good morning, uh, Margaret.
What a wonderful surprise...
to find a fellow bovine
joining the ranks.
[Mock coughing] Phony.
[Honk]
Ooh!
-l'm Mrs. Caloway.
-Hi.
-And this is Grace.
-Hi.
No applause and trophies here,
l'm afraid.
Just the fruits
of our good, honest labor.
Hi.
Workin' stiffs, huh?
Boy, l remember those days.
Wow! You're the biggest cow
l have ever saw.
Well, if you're in charge,
l'll take that as a compliment.
-Uh--
-And if you're not...
l guess
l'll just have to sit on you.
Mom!
Hey, l'm only kidding!
Say, what is this you've got
jammed up in your ear?
Whoa!
Here, have an apple, kid.
Don't go near any luaus, though.
Wait a minute.
l got somethin' stuck in my ear.
This one's for me.
[Burp]
Ahh! That was good.
ALL: Awesome!
Do it again! Do it again!
Come on, come on!
Do it again! Do it again!
DlLLON:
Oh! That's so cool!
Maggie's some fun, isn't she?
Ohh.
Teaching pigs to throw food.
As if they weren't
sloppy enough.
l'm goin' long!
Heh heh heh.
Ohh!
[Burp]
[All burping]
Whoa! Whoa!
Dagnabit, Buck, slow down!
MAGGlE: OK, who's up for a game
of tin-can tag?
Hey!
That can is a family heirloom.
Whoever wins is gettin'
a free tetanus shot! OK?
BUCK:
Superstar comin' through!
ALL: Awesome!
-No autographs, please.
-l got your autograph, pal! Ow!
Who's the hotshot?
-Oh, it's Buck.
-Puh! City slicker.
SHERlFF: Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
Dagnabit, Buck!
Take it easy.
This ain't no rodeo.
Why, good morning, Sam.
Heh heh.
ls that ornery horse
gettin' away from you again?
Oh, uh, howdy, Pearl.
l came out to bring you
another bank notice.
This one'll be the last.
You know, every time
l get a weak harvest...
they send me
one of these here notices.
They'll get their money
soon enough.
SHERlFF: lt's a whole new
shootin' match now, Pearl.
The bank's callin' in
everybody's debt.
They're losin' money
somethin' fierce...
with all the cattlemen
goin' under.
l'm tellin' you, if they don't
get their money in three days...
they're gonna auction off
Patch of Heaven.
What?
[Gasps] No.
But...they can't take my place.
Why, l've been here
through twisters, blizzards.
Sam, uh...
Sam, this is my home.
l'm sorry, Pearl.
l'm truly sorry.
Yeah, well...
''sorry''
just ain't gonna save my farm.
Well, Buck,
l hope you're proud of yourself.
As a matter of fact, l am.
Thank you for checking.
You know, Pearl,
it don't have to be this way.
You've got the best livestock
in the county.
All you gotta do...
is just sell off
a few of these critters--
Stop right there, Sam.
They're family.
You don't sell family.
Ho-ho-hold your horses, Pearl.
Now you get,
before l start using words...
no good woman should ever use.
-Don't bust your gusset, woman!
-Go on, Sam!
lt is still my property!
Now get!
l said, get!
l was just tryin' to help!
Oh. Oh.
That sure took the starch
right out of me.
[Sighs]
PEARL: l am sorry, girls.
l'm just plum out of ideas.
[Somber music playing]
Well, l think we all know
what happens now.
Well, l think we all know
what happens now.
-Uh, Jeb, don't start.
-Now we all get eaten.
-Jeb?
-What? What?
You don't think people in town
eat animals?
But who would eat a chicken?
Heh heh.
Come on, guys. There must be
something we can do.
What? What could we do?
Ohh...
-This just isn't fair.
-Fair!
[Gasps] Good call, Curly!
-Ollie.
-Ollie.
Uh, what is?
Listen. What would you say
if l told you...
that you could win big money--
and see
beautiful downtown Chugwater--
if you went to the County Fair?
ALL: Ohh.
Thank you for your input, but--
Come on! Let the new cow talk!
ALL:
New cow! New cow! New cow!
Come on, Mrs. C. You've got
a real good-lookin' bunch here.
l see some real potential.
Aw, shucks.
Now, the fair is two weeks away.
l say we go to town, butter up
that sheriff's horse...
and get him
to give us more time.
What are we waitin' for, Maggie?
Let's go.
That's right.
What do you say, Caloway?
Bah! Absolutely not.
l will not abandon Pearl
in her hour of need...
for such a ridiculous plan.
She would be devastated
if she found us missing.
As far as l'm concerned,
that's not an option.
All right. Suit yourself.
Come on, Grace.
We've got a farm to save.
Oh, you'll have to excuse her.
She's just a little tense.
Tense. What's her specialty,
sour cream?
[Scoffs] Going to town.
Of all the ill-conceived i--
[Tweeting]
Now, don't look at me
so crossly.
l know what
you're going to say--
that Maggie and Grace
will need someone...
with my eye for detail...
to keep them
on the straight and narrow.
[Sighs] Say no more. l'll go.
Now, tut tut. No mushy
good-byes, my little ones.
You know how l get
about overly emotional displays.
Ahem. Ladies?
GRACE: Mrs. C.
[British accent] Well,
what made you change your mind?
-l'd rather not talk about it.
-lt's a chick thing.
[All tweeting]
AUDREY: Good luck, girls!
-See ya!
-Bye!
-They're stew meat.
-Hurry back!
[Music playing]
[Squawking]
GRACE, OFF-KEY: # She'll be
comin' 'round the mountain #
# She'll be comin'
'round the mountain #
# She'll be comin' 'round... #
She better hurry up
around that mountain...
'cause l cannot take this
much longer.
Maggie, may l be frank?
Only if you let me wear the hat.
Ahem. Lowbrow remarks
may work for you...
but we prefer
the gentle approach.
Well, she better
stick a sock in it soon.
The vultures
are starting to circle.
[Gasps]
Hey, she's not dying!
You sure? We could wait around!
# ...no, nothing,
when she sees Grandma #
# No more food for her #
We'll keep you posted!
False alarm, Clem!
Roger dodger, out like the wind!
Hey, Maggie, Mrs. C?
How do we find...
the sheriff's office
when we get into town?
Elementary, my dear Grace.
lf we find Buck,
we find the sheriff.
That horse is a legend
in his own mind.
MAGGlE: Ah ha ha ha ha!
MAGGlE: Ah ha ha ha ha!
[Dramatic western music playing]
So, you think
you got the drop on me?
Well, think again.
Wahoo!
Wah! Wah!
Wah!
Yah-hoo! Hyah!
[Bellows]
Hmm.
Wooh!
Aah!
[Bonk]
[Ptoo, ptoo, ptoo]
Haaay! Jump back! Kiss myself!
[Kiss]
VOlCE:
Buck. Earth to Buck? Buck!
[Whistles] lt's your move.
[Gasps]
[Snoring]
Ohh...great.
[Snorts]
You were sleep-fighting again.
Almost threw a shoe.
Ohh. Sorry. Heh.
lt just--it seems like
all the other horses...
are out there fighting bad guys
and takin' names!
[Kung fu screams]
Uhh! Who put this here?
Oh, Buck,
this ain't no Dodge City...
but we get our share
of excitement.
MAN: Hey, sheriff!
Been waitin' a long time
to give you this!
Telegram!
Oh, howdy, Morse.
What you got there?
Hmm. ''Got Evil Eye Joe. Stop.
''Bringing him today. Stop.
Have money ready. Signed, Rico.''
[Gasps]
Ha! Oh, yeah!
Rico caught another one already.
Might as well give him
the key to my safe.
You hear that, Rusty?
Rico's comin'.
Yeah, Rico.
l'm old. l ain't deaf.
Boy, wouldn't that be the life?
Ridin' with Rico,
cleanin' up the west.
Kickin' bad-guy behind!
Whoo! Wah-yah!
Watch out, sucker!
[Kung fu shouts]
All right, girls.
We're goin' in.
[Gasps] Look! There's no fences.
What keeps the people
from roaming?
MRS. CALOWAY:
They appear to be domesticated.
lt doesn't feel dangerous
at all.
lt's perfectly safe.
Quiet as a farm at milkin' time.
[Boom]
What was that?
lt's a gunfight!
[All mooing]
[Pop]
[Thock]
[Crashing]
-Aah! Hit the dirt!
-Who lives like this?
GRACE:
What do we do? What do we do?
MRS. CALOWAY: Look,
there's a star on that door!
MAGGlE: That must be
the sheriff's office.
Move, ladies! Move!
# Swivel your hips, ooh!
Give 'em a grind #
# Shimmy and shake
and leave your troubles be-- #
[All scream]
[Screaming]
[Mooing]
-Ha ha ha!
-Ha ha ha!
-Whoa!
-Get those cows off the stage!
[Growling]
Maybe we came at a bad time.
Charge!
[Gasps]
[Moo]
Uhh!
Oh! Oh!
-Ha ha ha!
-Ha ha ha!
-How dare you?
-Oh!
Whoa-oh-oh!
-Aaaah--uhh!
-Uhh!
-Daddy?
-Son!
[Ptoo]
[Gasps]
[Ding, bonk]
l say! Aah!
Aah! Oh! Ow! What did l do?
[All shouting]
WOMAN: That does it!
Hoof it on out of here, ladies!
-Go on!
-Oh, come back!
That was the best dang show
we ever had!
Aw, you've been on the trail
too long, you old coot.
Ohh. What kind of
sheriff's office is that?
Dancing girls, gambling...
Ha! How does he ever
get any work done?
lf that's the sheriff's office,
this town rocks.
[Maggie laughs]
Well, if it isn't
three maids a-milkin'.
You girls a little far
from home, aren't ya?
Well, if it isn't
the phony express.
We want a word with you
about this.
-What's that?
-What is that?
l believe you left this
on our farm.
Wai--whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a minute.
The place went bankrupt.
Your farm is history.
Don't you heifers get it?
Hold on, you two!
Give us two more weeks...
and we'll have at least
sixty bucks in prize money to--
Ah-ah-ah. You got three days
to pay or get on your way.
And sixty bucks don't cut it.
Looks like you need about...
[Sniffing]
Hmm, l'd say...
[Sniffing]
seven hundred and fifty of 'em.
But, Maggie, where are we
gonna get all that money?
Well, maybe Maggie
can just pull it out of her ear.
Hey, watch it, Caloway.
[Thunder]
[Thunder]
[Gulp]
[Gulp]
-Rico.
-Rico.
[Buzz]
-Rico.
-Rico.
[Wind howling]
[Coughing]
[Horse snorts]
Who is that?
[Buzzing]
-Shh.
-Sorry.
[Fluttering]
Don't you know a hero
when you see one, huh?
That's Rico...
the best dang bounty hunter
this side of the Pecos.
[Laughs] l could guess
from here to tomorrow...
but l don't know
how you do it, Rico.
-Mmf!
-Where's my money?
Well, all right,
l got it right here for you.
Hey, they're giving away
free money!
Oh! Maggie!
So, who else is out there?
The only varmint left...
is that low-down,
good-for-nothin' Alameda Slim.
Cattle rustler. [Gasps]
-What's the bounty?
-$750.
[Ka-ching]
l got it!
Why don't we go nab
that Alameda Slim...
and use the reward money
to save the farm?
Oh, that is a sensible idea.
l knew you'd love it!
Tch. Don't they have sarcasm
where you come from?
Oh, wake up and smell
the alfalfa! lt's perfect!
l'm gonna need a fresh horse.
[Gasps]
Hmm, a horse. A horse.
Let me think.
l reckon you'd want
a fast horse, huh? Real fast?
Course, he'd also have
to be able to go...
for days
without food or drink...
stealthy,
sure-footed in any terrain...
Well, huh...
-Look at me!
-What about that horse?
[Chuckles]
What, you mean Buck here?
-Eee!
-Boy, l don't know.
Buck's fast, all right,
but he's kind of a handful.
-He'll do.
-Well, suit yourself.
[Squeals] Hey, Rusty!
Rico's saddle!
l'm wearing Rico's saddle!
[Squeaking]
l'm wearing Rico's saddle!
Great. l'll leave you two alone.
Ohh, oh, no. No, no, no.
There is no way
in heaven or earth...
that cows can catch an outlaw.
Look, all we've got to do...
is follow this chuck wagon
to a cattle drive.
Ahh. And then, you see...
we let the bad guys come to us.
Oh! We've
no reason to believe...
this chuck wagon is heading off
to a cattle drive.
Hey, Tommy!
Have fun on that cattle drive!
All right, then. Mm-hmm.
l think it is
headed toward a cattle drive.
Shh. We are not following
this wagon, and that is final.
Come on, Caloway. lt'll be fun!
-Did you just hit me?
-Kinda.
-Well, stop it.
-Why?
Because l don't like it.
[Sputtering]
Ooh!
[Splat]
Oh, no. Not the hat.
What? What about the--
Unh!
[Splat]
Hmph.
[Moo]
All right, all right...
violence is not going
to solve anything.
Why don't we all take
a deep cleansing breath--
-Yaah!
-Yaah!
[Grunting]
Hey, now! Mud wrestling!
Ha ha! Hey, hey!
Watch the saddle!
[Mooing]
[Thump]
What in tarnation?
Maggie, for the last time...
l will not be roped
into this scheme.
Come on, you crazy heifers!
Come on! Dagnabit!
Hey, partner,
curb your livestock.
This town is clean!
[Speaking Chinese]
Giddy-up!
Ack!
Not exactly what l had in mind,
but this'll work.
Well, it doesn't work for me!
Adios, Buck.
Take care of Rico now.
[Neighs]
Hasta la vista, heifers!
Hoo hoo!
GRACE, OFF-KEY:
# Oh, give me a home #
GRACE, OFF-KEY:
# Oh, give me a home #
# Where the buffalo roam #
# And the deer--ahem--
and the antelope pla-a-ay #
# Where seldom is heard #
# A discouraging word #
# And the skies
are not cloudy all day #
[Mooing]
# Home, home on the range #
-Sold!
-What was that?
MAGGlE:
lt's a farm auction, ladies.
AUCTlONEER: And that's the last
of the furniture. [Bang]
The final item
to be auctioned...
is this piece
of real property...
known heretofore
as the Dixon farm.
Do l hear 425? 425!
Do l hear 450? 450?
What's going to happen
to the cow who lived there?
She'll be OK.
-How do you know?
-You're lookin' at her.
-This was your farm?
-Mm-hmm.
We had, like, a family, too,
you know.
-What happened?
-Alameda Slim happened.
[Evil laughter echoing]
Aah!
[Laughter echoing]
Sold to Mr. Yancy O'Del!
Pleasure
doing business with you.
[Thud]
[Playing harmonica]
MAGGlE:
Cattle drive. Told ya.
You both owe me a dollar.
Step lightly, girls.
The male of the species
can be extremely hostile.
Oh, come on, Caloway.
lt's not like they haven't
seen a cow before.
Mmm? Ohh...
Hey, Barry.
-What? Huh?
-Check it out.
Ooh, dairy cows!
ALL: Oooh!
Oh, hey, how's it going?
Oh, hello. Let me guess.
You're a Taurus.
Look, just keep moving
and avoid eye contact.
-Ahem.
-Oh!
Pardon me, but what are
three lovely ladies like you...
doing on a drive like this?
Just ignore them,
and perhaps they'll go away.
Oh, they seem like nice guys.
Maybe they can help us.
Why, sure we can help you.
Maybe we can help each other.
-Hmm?
-Hmm?
Look, lover-bull,
we're here strictly on business.
Ooh, sounds pretty exciting.
What kind of business?
We're looking for a cattle
rustler named Alameda Slim.
-Grace! Shh!
-Grace! Shh!
Hey, it doesn't hurt to ask.
Slim? Oh ho ho ho!
Why, Slim's just
a scary bedtime story...
to get little calves to behave.
[Hisses]
-Uhh!
-Ooh!
What was that?
lt must be Slim and the Willies.
Slim and the Willies?
Don't worry, darlin'.
l'll protect you.
You have exactly two seconds
to remove your hoof...
before l snap it off
at the knee.
Oh, uh, sorry, ma'am.
l thought you were the blonde.
Ooh!
Come on, girls.
lt's time to lose these ropes.
SLlM:
Where you going? Ho-yah! Hyah!
-Maggie, l'm stuck.
-Look out!
Hahh!
[Dramatic music playing]
lt's payback time.
-Cover me!
-With what?
-Howdy, Slim.
-Howdy, Slim.
Quiet, you fools.
We've got work to do.
Now listen up.
# There are crooks
in this here west #
# Who have claimed
to be the best #
# And they think they wrote
the book on how to rustle #
-Aah!
-Aah!
# Well,
as good as they may be #
# Not a one's as good as me #
# And l barely have to move
a single muscle #
# They call me mean, boys #
# Depraved and nasty, too #
# And they ain't seen, boys #
# The cruelest thing l do #
[Moos]
# You see l
yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odle #
# The sweetest way of rustlin'
yet devised #
# 'Cause when l
yodel-adle-eedle-idle-odle #
# Why, looky,
how them cows get hypnotized #
# He don't prod,
he don't yell #
# Still he drives
them dogies well #
# Which ain't easy
when your chaps are labeled #
# X-X-X-X-L #
# Yes, if yer lookin'
from a bovine point of view #
# l sure can
yodel-adle-eedle-idle #
# Yodel-adle-eedle-idle #
# Yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo #
Here we go, boys!
[Yodeling William Tell Overture]
[Yodeling Yankee Doodle]
[Yodeling
Beethoven's Ode to Joy]
# Ooh #
Maggie! Mrs. Caloway!
Snap out of it!
# A sound that cattle
truly take to heart #
# Yeah, l can
yodel-adle-eedle-idle #
# Yodel-adle-eedle-idel-odle #
# And smack my big old rump
if that ain't art #
# He don't rope,
not a chance #
# He just puts 'em
in a trance #
# He's a pioneer pied piper
in ten-gallon underpants #
# Yep, l'm the real
rip-roarin' deal #
# To those who moo #
# Thanks
to my yodel-adle-eedle-idle #
# Yodel-adle-eedle-idle #
# l got cattle
out the old wazoo, heh heh! #
# 'Cause l can
yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo #
# Yodel-adle-eedle-idle-oo #
[Slim laughs]
[Slim laughs]
[Cows screaming]
Whoa. Ho, boy.
Unh!
[Cows stop screaming]
Hmm...
[Horse neighs]
Rico, if you'd just been
a second earlier...
you'd have had that rustler
dead to rights.
You boys see anything
before l got here?
Yeah, we sure did there, Rico.
We were just
settin' down to supper...
when all of a sudden
the lights went out.
All right, what part of
''cover me'' didn't we understand?
-You guys OK?
-l don't know.
l feel like l was dreaming.
Yeah. Slim started singing...
and all of a sudden
l lost track of everything.
Singing? That didn't sound
like singing to me.
And, you know,
l have perfect pitch.
Uh, yes. Grace,
about your perfect pitch--
-Not now, Maggie.
-All right, show's over!
Oh, no.
You're interfering
with official police bidness!
Ha. Be right with you, big guy.
Buck is on the case.
You know. Whoo!
Don't embarrass me
in front of my partner. Please!
You and he are partners?
[Stifles laugh]
So, how does that work exactly?
l mean, do you get to ride him
on odd days or even?
Hey! He chose me specifically...
because l have skills
that are essential...
to capturing our quarry.
[Shouts kung fu noises]
Huh?
Ha ha ha!
[Shouts kung fu noises]
Whoo! Smush! Oof!
You boys headed back to town?
Yes, sir. We got to go file
a report with the sheriff.
Give him back his horse.
This one's too skittish
around cows.
And that, girls,
is what makes me and Rico...
equal parts of
one lean mean crime-fighting--
[Neighs]
machine?
Well, there it is, then.
Well, well, well, stud.
Now, l'm no professional...
but l'd say the only
mano a mano you'll be doing...
is in your dreams.
Oh, look out, Buck.
He's making a move
on your left flank. Kaboosh!
Maggie! Grace!
Leave that poor animal alone.
[Laughs]
Buck,
l realize you're very upset...
but if you'd like
to join our group...
and help us bring in Slim,
we'd be happy to have you.
However, there are a few...
anger-management issues
we need to discuss.
l wouldn't help
you bossy bovines...
if my life depended on it!
You see, that's just
what l'm talking about.
-Grace!
-Bye.
-Come on, girls.
-Hmm.
MAGGlE: Let's go get Slim.
[lmitates] ''Come on, girls,
let's go get Slim.''
Cud-chewing heifers.
Huh. l can catch that Slim with
one hoof tied behind my back.
[Gasps]
Wait a minute. Why don't l?
Yes! Partner or no partner,
that's what l'm-a do. Hey!
# Ba ba ba ba ba #
COWBOY: Hold the horse now.
[Neighs, cowboys shouting]
COWBOY: Aw, forget it.
Definitely bipolar.
Move it, sister!
Hero passing on the left!
-Hey, watch it.
-Where are you going, hotfoot?
l'm gonna go nab that rustler...
and show Rico
l got what it takes...
so say good-bye to your farm,
girls, because Slim is mine.
lt's hero time!
Watch out now! Hey! Get back!
Jump back! Kiss myself! Whoo!
# Da da yoo #
Oh, this is
a fine kettle of fish.
How can we compete with that?
Look at the bright side, Mrs. C.
Don't forget about
our secret weapon.
Secret weapon?
Who better to catch
a cattle thief than a cow?
Yeah, even you can't argue
with that kind of logic.
OK, maybe you can.
MRS. CALOWAY: You know, Grace...
Maggie does so love
your singing.
How about a song?
MAGGlE:
l'm gonna get you for this.
[Bird caws]
[Bird caws]
[Slim laughing]
Ha ha! 5,000 Texas longhorns.
Not bad for one night's work.
PHlL: Pick a color.
SLlM: l said,
not bad for one night's work.
-What?
-Thank you.
And judging by the ear mark...
l'd say these are the last
of Big Mike Donald's herd.
Big Mike Donald had a farm?
-E-l-E-l--
-E-l-E-l--
-Ohh...
-Ohh...
That's right. He had a farm.
Heh heh heh.
Now that all his cash cows
have disappeared...
that poor sap's
gonna be flat broke.
Perfect time for a certain
upstanding land owner...
to step in
and take all the land.
Aah! Who are you?
What did you do
with Uncle Slim?
Put up your dukes,
Mr. Fancy Britches.
Aah-aah-aah-aah-aah-aah!
lt's me. Hello?
This here
is the disguise l use...
to sneak into
all them auctions...
and buy all the land,
you brainless monotone monkeys.
Shoot, you got to be the richest
land baron in the west.
Yes, but the part
that really warms my heart...
is watching those homesteaders
suffer.
[Steam hissing]
Back in the day, l worked...
the highfalutinest ranches
you ever seen...
but those stuck-up ranch bosses
couldn't appreciate my talents.
Maybe they just didn't like
your singing.
[Teeth grind] My singing?
[Twang]
[Gasps]
Songbirds sing.
Saloon gals sing.
Little bitty snot-nosed
children sing.
l yodel!
And yodeling is an art!
Well, maybe they just
didn't like your yodeling.
[Slim grunting]
He didn't mean it, Uncle Slim.
Everybody likes yodeling.
Hmm?
Why, it's one of the funniest,
cornball, goofy, silly sounds...
in the whole west.
Yaah! Aah! Yaah!
[Gasps]
-Uh, Gil?
-Uh-huh?
Am l correct in assuming
that each and every time...
we brought a herd back
to this secret lair...
you've managed to sit
in the exact same spot...
blocking that choice
piece of property from my view?!
This is my comfy place.
What? Aah!
PHlL: lt's called
Patch of Heaven, Uncle Slim.
Goes on auction
Thursday morning.
Perfect. Pencil it in.
Thursday morning--right after
we sell off this herd.
But it's just
a little old dirt farm.
Ah, what's the difference?
When you're talking revenge,
every last acre counts.
[Hammer striking sign]
[Dramatic music playing]
l don't get it.
Weren't the cows
supposed to come back?
Daddy, what's going to happen
if they don't come back?
Oh, but they are coming back.
Hogwash! We all know
they're never coming back.
[Clucks] What? Ooh! Ooh!
[Chuckles]
You don't know that, Jeb.
Everybody knows that bovines...
are the most intelligent,
crafty animals in the west.
Yeah. He's right, you know.
lt doesn't take a cow
to figure out...
they saw
the writing on the wall...
and flown the coop
while the getting was good.
What?
Oh, no!
They tricked us and deserted us!
No, no. Aud-Audrey.
[Chickens screaming]
Excuse me. Excuse me.
Excuse me!
[Screaming stops]
Oh, uh, let's not forget
who we're talkin' 'bout.
Audrey, remember when
Grace helped you figure out...
why you crossed the road?
And, Jeb, Miss Caloway
knew just what to do...
when your head got stuck
in that spittoon.
Get off my case!
And Maggie
was gonna make us all winners.
l truly believe
there ain't nothin'...
those three cows can't do.
[Chirping]
Aw...
Well, whatever they're gonna do,
they better do it soon.
l'm so very sorry, Pearl.
lt's a real shame. lt is.
[Pearl sighs]
Ollie,
l don't know what's worse--
losing my farm
to the highest bidder...
or knowing that--that my girls
are lost and alone out there.
[Distant thunder]
-Yee-haw!
-Come on, girls.
[Sniffs] Either
l'm getting good at this...
or his scent
is getting stronger.
Go get him, Maggie.
Look out, Slim!
-No. lt can't be.
-We're on your trail!
Hmm.
[Dramatic music playing]
Hoo hoo!
[Bell clanking]
[All gasp]
GRACE: Oops.
MRS. CALOWAY: This has Buck
written all over it.
We're not gonna let
this dumb old trick stop us.
Sooner or later, all these paths
will hook up, and then...
GRACE: Oh, no, the tracks!
Hurry up, girls.
Don't lose that trail.
What trail?
l can't see anything.
[Thunder]
GRACE: Look out!
[Dramatic music playing]
Oh! Flash flood!
Get to high ground!
[Thunder]
-Oh.
-Maggie!
Oh!
[Water roaring]
[Screaming]
[Water bubbling]
[Bell clanking]
[Coughing]
[Coughing]
Maggie!
[Coughing]
[Coughing]
[Coughs] No! Come on, girls,
we can't give up!
Maggie, that's enough.
The minute this lets up...
we're heading straight home
to Patch of Heaven.
But what about catching Slim
and collecting the reward?
We never had a prayer...
of catching Slim
in the first place.
This whole ridiculous plan...
is just so you can get revenge
on those cattle rustlers.
Hey!
For your information, duchess...
this whole ridiculous plan
is about us saving our farm.
Huh. Our farm might've had
a fighting chance...
until you came along.
What's that supposed to mean?
Strutting around with
your vulgar show-cow behavior.
Look, l was just having--
Wasting our time
on your foolish plans.
Through the years,
Patch of Heaven...
has survived every hardship
that nature can dish out...
but you, Maggie...
are the biggest catastrophe
to ever hit our farm.
Well, if that's the way
you feel about it...
maybe we should just go
our separate ways.
Now, that's the first
good idea you've ever had.
-Fine!
-Fine!
-Fine!
-Fine!
[Dramatic music playing]
Yeah. Fine.
lt's not like your farm...
was ever gonna feel like home
to me anyways.
[Thundering]
BONNlE RAlTT:
# Rain is pourin' down #
# Like the heavens
are hurtin' #
# Seems like it's been dark
since the devil knows when #
# How do you go on
never knowing for certain #
# Will the sun
ever shine again? #
# Feels like it's been years
since it started to thunder #
# Clouds are campin' out
in the valley and glen #
# How do you go on when
you can't help but wonder #
# Will the sun
ever shine again? #
# What if the rain
keeps fallin'? #
# What if the sky
stays gray? #
# What if the winds
keep squallin' #
# And never go away? #
# Maybe soon the storm
will be tired of blowin' #
# Maybe soon
it all will be over, amen #
# How do you go on if
there's no way of knowin'? #
# Will the sun ever shine? #
# Wish l could say #
[Neighs]
# Send me a sign #
# One little ray #
# Lord,
if you're listenin' #
# How long until then? #
# Will the sun ever shine #
# Again? #
[lnsects buzzing]
[Snores]
Mmm...
Mmm...
Maggie. Maggie. Maggie.
-Wake up.
-Check, please!
lt tasted a lot better
in my sleep.
Well, l suppose
you'll be off now.
-Mm-hmm.
-Where will you go?
Oh, probably check out
the Grand Canyon.
See Utah before l die.
Wait a minute. Where's Grace?
Hi, there.
Boy, am l glad you guys are up.
Hey, come look at this.
What on earth?
Where did all this come from?
Hey, it's green, it's leafy,
and it's free. Shut up and eat.
Good morning, ladies.
l see you're already
tucked into your appetizer.
Never knew a pretty lady
that didn't have an appetite.
Oh, now, see here, you ruffian--
He's not a ruffian,
Mrs. Caloway.
He's a genuine desert shaman--
our very own wise man.
Shaman, chef, chief cook,
and bottle washer.
l'm a jackrabbit of all trades
and at your service.
Folks around these parts
call me Lucky Jack.
Yep, they used to come
from miles around...
just to get one rub
of my lucky rabbit's foot.
Whoo! Dagnabit!
[Blows]
[Steam hisses]
This happens all the time.
Now, where was l?
Ah. Voila.
Now let me just
get this on the fire...
and it'll be ready directly.
Mm-huh. Ow! Yow!
Look, we don't eat meat.
lt's kind of like
a professional courtesy.
Perhaps we'll dine with you
some other time.
You see, Grace and l
are returning to our farm...
to say our last good-byes.
Yeah. We need closure.
Well, l can sympathize there,
sister, l truly can.
Until recently,
l, too, had a home.
Echo Mine it was called.
Us jackrabbits lived there
for generation after generation.
Till some land-grabbing bandit
moved in...
and flushed us out
like yesterday's oatmeal.
Ahem. Excuse us. My good fellow,
we must be on our way.
Wait! There he is!
[Screech]
[Growls]
Aah!
Slim! You mean
this no-good varmint...
is hiding out in Echo Mine
right now?
-Without a doubt.
-Maggie, what are you thinking?
Look, l got a score to settle
with that rhinestone fat boy...
and nothing to lose.
But it'll be dangerous going
after Slim all by yourself.
Hey, l got the rabbit.
That's not all you got, Maggie.
You got us.
Oh, no. No, no, no. No.
We are sticking to our plan
and going home.
Hold on, you two.
As strange as this sounds,
Grace is actually making sense.
-Thank you.
-You want the money...
and l want to get even
with Slim.
The three of us go together,
and we're sure to get him.
Once you collect the reward,
l'll walk out your front gate...
and l'll stay out of it forever.
Deal?
Your powers of persuasion
are uncanny. Deal.
Ha! Bovine bounty hunters!
Now l've seen everything.
Let's get moving, ladies.
Let's get moving, ladies.
Time for an underground
smackdown. Yee-haw!
# Out in the land where
the heroes meet their makers #
# Out in the land where
the hale and hearty fall #
# Out where the fearless
get the shudders #
# Justice is here,
and it's wearing udders #
# Yee-haw!
The cows are walkin' tall #
# Home, home,
this ain't it, pal #
# Home, home,
home on the range #
# Home, home,
better go git, pal #
# Home, home,
home on the range #
SLlM: OK, boys, let's go
through it one last time.
-Who am l?
-Uncle Slim?
Correct! Heh.
Now, l put on my hat...
then l put on my spectacles--
-Aah! Hey! Who're you?
-Where's Uncle Slim?
Ohh! lt's still me!
Can't you stupid
sack of hammers get it right?
[Train whistle blows]
Oh, the ever-punctual
Mr. Weaseley.
SLlM:
OK, everybody make way...
for the big man
in black market livestock.
[Mooing]
[Hiss]
[Coughs]
-Aah!
-Hey, who're you?
WESLEY: All right, come on!
Move it, Bessie, or
l'll tan your hides right here.
l--hey, hey, hey!
Watch the suit! Watch the suit!
Feast your eyes.
as promised, Mr. Weaseley.
The name's Wesley.
So, Slim, what do you say
we get a move on...
and load these cash cows
onto the train A.S.A.P., huh?
[Snaps] Let's go.
Yes, yes, of course. Just as
soon as l finish counting. Hmm.
GRACE: Lucky Jack, you did it!
We're here!
MRS. CALOWAY: Well,
l take my hat off to you, Jack.
But you've got us here
in one piece.
Well, seein' is believin'.
And l don't believe what l see.
MRS. CALOWAY: Oh, it's Buck!
MAGGlE:
Stallion of the Cim-moron.
l'm supposed to be here
just in case...
one of the horses get tired.
Cows only.
Look, friend, you don't
understand my situation.
No, you don't understand...
so l'll say it again.
The only critters
that get by me are cows.
Cows only.
Oh, come on!
Look, cut me a break.
[Moo]
Now what?
Aww, what are you doing here?
Ha ha! Sorry we're late.
We got separated from the herd.
Right this way, little lady.
Tell 'em Junior sent you.
Ohhh...
-Howdy, partner!
-Ahem.
-Nice hat, ma'am.
-Oh! Cheeky devil.
Excuse me, reject.
Coming through.
Oh! Hey, what gives?!
How come
they got to go through?
They're cows.
What?!
But what about the rabbit?
Well, obviously,
he was with the cows.
Ha! l'm with the cows, too!
Yeah! Hey! Hey, cows! W-wait up!
You got to tell this guy
you know me!
See, Junior, we're old friends!
Come on, Margie! Uh, Gretchen!
Miss, uh--uh, Hat Cow!
Come on,
it's your old pal Buck, see?
Buck...Buck...
Oh, Buck!
Nah, doesn't ring a bell.
No, no, no, wait!
Hey, come back! No!
Hang on--hang on a second.
Heh heh heh.
They're just kidding.
You see, if you could--
Oh, hey! Hey!
Hey, cows! Cows! Oof!
Don't make me hurt you.
Heh heh.
Rico. [Laughs]
l gotta go, but let's throw on
the old feedbag sometime.
Stay cool.
Ha ha ha! lt's hero time.
LUCKY JACK:
So what's the plan?
Well, let's see...
You two get his attention
while l sneak up behind him...
and then
l'll knock him into the cart...
and then we'll rope him up
and wheel him to justice!
And for extra measure...
how about we conk him
on the noggin with this?
You go, cowgirl!
That's usin' the old hat.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Now, you lost me here, missy.
Look, Jack, it's simple.
Cart, smack, rope, roll,
justice. Come on, Jack, focus.
Now is not the time to get
all scatterbrained and flaky.
[Chuckling]
Oh, good, l'm not too late.
Sorry. Still stakin' out
your quarry, huh?
Yeah, pretty much. Why?
Listen, l came to warn you, one
equine to another, about Rico.
As soon as he nabs
that rustler...
he's gonna be in a big hurry
to collect that reward.
-So?
-So?!
Once he catches his man, that's
when the horsewhip comes out...
and he's not shy
about using it, either!
-Horsewhip?
-Horsewhip!
And not only are you
gonna be carrying Rico...
but that rustler as well.
Have you seen that guy?
He's huge!
What should l do?
-Run!
-OK.
Yeah, run like the wind,
partner, and save yourself!
l'm going!
Go on, take off! Fade!
Ride into the sunset!
-All righty, l'm outta here!
-Aah! Scram!
OK, thanks, buddy!
l owe you one!
Godspeed, my friend!
So long, sucker! Ha ha!
He must be takin' stupid lessons
from that buffalo.
[Snorts]
Uh-oh.
-1,420...
-4,334...
-4,335...
-1 ,435...
-1 ...
-4,336...
-Ohh!
-4,337...
Can't you morons
count to yourselves?
Come on.
Gotta start all over!
-There he is.
-Come on, let's go!
Hold on!
You're both forgetting
Slim's hypnotic control...
over those
with less than perfect pitch.
Jack, l hope you can forgive me.
-For what, missy? Aah!
-For that.
Now, you watch it there, toots!
Grace, how practical!
Done countin'!
-What do we got?
-4,997.
-What?
-Huh? Wait, wait, what?
l thought you said 5,000 even.
Of course l did. Gil must've
just miscounted, that's all.
[Grace moos]
Huh?
PHlL: There's one up there!
The others can't be far behind.
Just you watch.
You're gonna like this.
Yodeling's an art.
Ahem.
[Yodeling Ride of the Valkyries]
Huh?
[Yodeling]
Ha ha ha!
What's the deal, Slimbo?
Maybe she wasn't an art lover.
Philistine!
Shut up, you greenhorns!
A bovine ain't been born
that can resist my charms.
Ahem. [Thump]
[Yodeling 1812 Overture]
[Cart rattling]
Watch your back, Uncle Slim!
Got you!
Where do you think you're going?
[Nervous laugh]
[Moo]
Ooh!
-Now, Jack!
-OK!
What in the rootin'-tootin'
blazes is goin' on here?!
Whoo-ha!
[Clang]
Ohh!
BOTH:
Uncle Slim! Uncle Slim!
GRACE: Let's get outta here!
-Aah!
-Come back here, dog meat!
-Jackpot!
-We got him now!
-Well done!
-Watch out!
lt's Buck!
Hey, Casey Jones...
grab the bills
and fire up the getaway express!
[Buck screaming]
[Junior snorts]
[Mooing]
BOTH: Uncle Slim! Uncle Slim!
l gave up clown college
for this?
BUCK: Aah! Aah! Ooh! Mama!
Ooh.
lt's Slim! l got Slim!
Rico's gonna be so proud of me!
[Squeals] Thank you!
Whoa! Whoa! Ooh! Leave me alone!
Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
[Panting] Aah!
[Screaming]
[Screech]
Yaaah-hoo-hoo-hooey!
-Sorry.
-Uncle Slim! Uncle Slim!
-Quick, girls, in here!
-Ooh!
MAGGlE: Ooh!
[Screaming]
Hey!
[Neighs]
Huh?
[Screech]
That was Rico!
[Thump]
[Snorts]
What in blue blazes?
[Crash]
Ohh!
[Crash]
JUNlOR: l'll knock you
into next Tuesday!
Come back here!
-Whoa! Whoa!
-You're going down!
Junior! Junior!
-Oh! Whoa!
-Junior!
Junio-o-or! Whoo-hah!
-Get this off of me!
-Uncle Slim! Uncle Slim!
[Thump]
[Gasps] Rico's saddle!
l'm wearing Rico's saddle!
[Neighs]
Aah!
Aaah!
-Uncle Slim! Oof!
-Ohh!
-Surprise!
-Oof!
-Aah! Eee!
-Aah! Dang!
[Screech]
[Clanging]
[Sizzling]
[Screech]
[Screaming]
[Boom]
[Screaming]
Oof! Oof! Oof! Aah! Unh!
MAGGlE: We made it, girls!
We made it!
-Three cheers!
-Hip-hip-hooray!
Ladies, we got company!
Ohh...oh!
[Chugging]
Aaah! Aah!
Whoa! Stop! Stop! Hit the brake!
Look out!
[Crash]
[Clattering]
[Squeak]
[Clang]
[Bird chirping]
[Slim shouting]
Yaah! Dagnabit!
l guess l gotta do everything
around here myself!
[Grunting]
Call me crazy, but l think
these cows got it in for me.
Maybe they just don't like
your singing.
Shut up! Ahem.
Mr. Weaseley,
my money, if you please.
Heh heh heh. l was just
keeping it safe for you, Slim.
Sure you were.
Protecting my investments
is what l pay this fellow for.
Mr. Weaseley, let me present...
the most traitorous,
double-crossin' gun for hire...
that l've ever had the pleasure
to call partner--Rico.
You're too kind, boss.
No, it can't be.
His reputation as
a bounty hunter is well-known...
but lately he's been doing
a little moonlighting...
and covering my tracks.
Rico's going to see you
to the border...
so that nothing else goes wrong.
Tck-tck.
[Screech]
Now, if you'll all pardon me...
there's
a little Patch of Heaven...
on the auction block
this morning.
[Gasps]
He's going to buy our farm!
Adios! Yee-haw!
l don't know
how you got here, skittish...
but stick with me,
and you may get to like...
the other side of the law.
Get on there! Hyah!
WESLEY:
All right, come on! Come on!
Move it, Bessie! Get in there!
Hurry up!
You don't want to be late...
for that big round-up
in the sky!
[Neighs]
Hah! Skittish, whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Get in there!
Come on, you stupid cows!
[Mooing]
Come on!
Unh!
[Thump]
WESLEY: Lovely.
Now get the engine fired up...
and let's make tracks.
[Buck neighs]
[Humming]
Huh?
[Neighs]
BUCK: Make a break for it,
ladies! Run!
Whoa! Hah! Skittish, whoa!
Buck, have you gone crazy?!
Now, that's entirely possible!
Yo!
Or maybe l just figured out
who the real heroes are!
Wait! What if this is
some kind of trick?
Whoo! Whassah!
Oh, this isn't a trick!
lt's a miracle! Come on!
[Thump]
So you think
you got the drop on me...
well, think again! Hyah!
Oh!
[Banging]
[Neighs] Whassah!
[Sputters]
-Whoo!
-Unh...
This is useless.
Let's put our heads together.
More brains and less brawn.
All right!
[Grunting] Grr!
[Neighing]
[Cocks shotgun]
OK, Caloway, fetch!
[Snorts, alarm ringing]
[Bellows]
-Kaboosh!
-Hyah!
[Yelling]
[Clang]
Oof! Unh!
Ha! Lucky shot!
[Tarzan yell]
Mother of mercy.
ls this the end of Rico?
[Thud]
[Moo]
Uh...ha...
[Bird chirping]
BUCK: Wow! Bravo!
Bravo! You stopped Rico cold!
Aw, shucks. T'weren't nothin'.
Fat lot of good it done us.
Alameda Slim
has already flown the coop.
She's right.
Unless we sprout wings, we'll
never make it back in time.
l can't believe
what l'm hearing.
This train
goes right by Patch of Heaven.
What is in the cud
you've been chewin'?
How are we supposed
to drive that thing?
How? How? l'll tell you how!
The same way we walked off
the farm into the unknown.
The same way we fought off
those burly barmaids.
And the same way we braved
the western wilderness...
without the benefit
of food or water.
We caught Slim once,
and we shall do it again!
Who's with me?
Get out of here, you bulls!
Head for the hills! Whoo!
[Bellowing and shouting]
[Chugging]
[Toot]
Unh!
[Cows laughing]
-Let's get it on!
-Cows rule!
BARRY:
Howdy, darlin'! Down here!
Yeah! Look--look down!
Hello there!
Oh, no!
l got two words for you guys--
cold shower!
We don't have time
for this nonsense!
We have a farm to save!
-Well, maybe we can help you.
-Maybe we can help each--oof!
-Other!
-Ohh!
Bye!
Come up and see us sometime!
Grace!
[Creaking]
Oh, no!
lt's the Morning Express!
There's a switch up ahead!
Way ahead of you, pops!
Hop on!
-Come on, mule!
-Let's ride!
LUCKY JACK: Yee-haw!
Ha! Ha!
[Neighs]
-Whoa!
-Oh! Whoa! Whoa!
Aah!
Roadhogs!
Aah!
See you back at the farm, girls!
Good luck!
LUCKY JACK:
This happens all the time.
Sold!
All property and livestock...
Sold!
All property and livestock...
formerly known as
Patch of Heaven...
is hereby sold
to Mr. Yancy O'Del.
Pleasure doing business
with you. Heh heh heh.
O'Del's the name,
foreclosure's the game.
Well,
just set yourself over yonder.
Sign this deed,
and the property is all yours.
SLlM:
Much obliged, sheriff.
Ha ha ha!
[Bell ringing]
-There it is!
-Home and hearth!
And a holy hallelujah
of a curve!
-Oh, quick, the brakes!
-No time for that!
-But won't we jump the tracks?
-We are makin' our own tracks!
This is going to be messy!
[Screaming]
Hee hee hee! The whole territory
belongs to me. Huh?
Five cents for these chicks.
Come on, now,
do l hear two cents?
-Behind you!
-B-behind you!
Whoa! Whoa! Hold your britches!
Come on, now!
Whoa! Run for your lives!
[Screaming]
Watch yourself!
[Hissing]
What's the idea of crashing
your train on my property?
What? Uh...
lt can't be!
[Growls]
[Cracking]
[Ding]
[Rumbling]
Hold it right there!
Piggies, it's time to open up
a can of whoop-hide!
Unh! Who the--Oof! Ow! Aah!
Oh! Get away from there! Aah!
[Giggling]
[Crows]
Owww!
Oh, come on! Ow! Oof!
You wanna get nuts?
Let's get nuts!
Ow! Aah!
[Pecking]
Aaah!
Ohhhh! Oof!
[Slim sputtering]
Whoa-oh-oh-oh!
lt's Alameda Slim!
You think you've won?
lt ain't over
till the fat man sings!
[Yodeling]
[Splat]
[Sputters]
Alameda Slim,
you're under arrest.
[Muffled yelling]
Nobody messes
with Pearl's girls!
-Say, girls, got milk?
-Buck!
Just kidding.
[Slam]
Take him away, boys!
Hope you like stripes.
Pearl, your cows can't do much
with Slim's reward money.
Think you can find
some use for it?
Whoo-eee! My farm is saved!
Awww!
[Mooing]
[Cheering]
Where's Maggie?
[Squeak]
l can't believe she just left.
l'm gonna miss her.
So shall l, Grace.
Her brash manner,
her bullheadedness.
She risked her life for us,
and who are we but strangers?
We were privileged to know her.
She was a cow like no other!
Right down to her appalling
bodily eruptions.
[Burps]
-Ahh, that was good!
-Maggie!
l was just having
one for the road...
when l heard
all the nice stuff...
you guys were saying about me.
You know, maybe l could
hang around a while.
-How about forever?
-Oh!
Hmm.
Well, it's your call, Caloway.
ls this barnyard big enough
for the both of us?
Only if you let me wear the hat.
Yee-haw!
Come on, move your hides, girls.
Last one to the barn
sleeps standing up!
OK, everyone, big smiles!
OK, everyone, big smiles!
[Click]
LUCKY JACK:
''So it was that Alameda Slim...
'the most notorious
and feared cattle rustler...
was apprehended and unmasked
by three unusual dairy cows.''
Hey! Dagnabit, Jeb!
How many times l got to tell you
to wait your turn?
How many times
have l got to tell you...
to get out of my barrel--
Hey, dagnabit! You ornery ol'--
[Sighs] lt's so nice that Jeb
finally found a friend.
Here they come, everybody!
[All talking and laughing]
[Clucking]
[Quacks]
[Grunts]
[Chirping]
-Well done!
-Ha ha ha!
Well, hi ho, ladies!
Hey, Barry, three queens,
two kings, hmm?
Full house.
And the joker is wild.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughing]
[Music playing]
K.D. LANG:
# Darlin', l swear #
# Once you been there #
# There ain't a view
beneath the blue #
# That could ever compare #
Hyah! Ho-haa!
# The only thing missing #
# ls you as my guest #
# On a little Patch of Heaven
way out west #
# Why don't you come visit? #
# There's room in the nest #
Yee-haw!
# On that little
Patch of Heaven #
# Way out west #
[Cock-a-doodle-doo]
[Music playing]
[Music playing]
# Come with me #
# Let's go wander #
# Far beyond
the wild blue yonder #
# Out where stars roam free #
# Though the journey's
far from breezy #
# Stick with me,
l'll make it easy #
# You can depend on me #
# Yeah, there's
a long road before us #
# And it's a hard road,
indeed #
# But, darlin', l swear #
# l'll get us there #
# Wherever
the trail may lead #
# Once we cross
that far horizon #
# Life
is bound to be surprisin' #
# But we'll take it
day by day #
# Never mind
the wind and weather #
# lf we walk that trail
together #
# Somehow we'll find our way #
# Yeah, there's a long road
before us #
# And it's a hard road,
indeed #
# But, darlin', l vow #
# We'll get through somehow #
# Wherever
the trail may lead #
# Can't tell you
when we'll be there #
# lt may take all our lives #
# We're headed for
that great unknown #
# We'll soon be walking free
there #
# Till that day arrives #
# At least we won't be
travelin' alone #
# And there's
a long road before us #
# And it's a hard road,
indeed #
# But, darlin', don't fear #
# 'Cause l'll be right here #
# To give you
the strength you need #
# And through the whole ride #
# l'll be by your side #
# Wherever the trail
may lead #
[New song starts]
# La la la la #
# La la la #
# La la la #
# La la la #
# La la la #
# When you're sad #
# When you're feeling low #
# When you're hurt #
# And don't know where to go #
# Think of me #
# There l'll be #
# Anytime you need a friend #
# When you're down #
# And your luck runs out #
# Or if you're in trouble
or in doubt #
# lt's OK #
# lt's OK #
# Turn my way #
# Anytime you need a friend #
# When you're scared #
# l will stay with you #
# When you feel
you're fallin' #
# l'm there for you #
# When your heart breaks #
# l'll ease your aches #
# Whatever it takes #
# l'm in #
# l'm in #
# Anytime you need a friend #
# La la la #
# La la la #
# La la la #
# La la la #
# All our lives #
# Anywhere we are #
# Anywhere we are #
# Just reach out #
# l'll never be too far #
# Come what may #
# There l'll stay #
# Anytime you need a friend #
# When you're scared #
# l will stay with you #
# When you feel
you're fallin' #
# l'm here for you #
# When your heart breaks #
# l'll ease your aches #
# Whatever it takes #
# l'm in #
# Whatever it takes #
# Anytime you need a friend #
# La la la #
# La la la #
# Anytime #
# Anytime you need #
# A friend #
[Saloon piano playing]
[Spurs jingling]
[Saloon doors bang]
[Horse neighs]