1
OK. I am Timo.
And this is the story
of the total chaos called 'my life'.
I made a bit of mess of it.
I can explain...
...but then I would like to start
from the beginning.
It is not really a standard story,
as such.
But if my life were standard...
...I wouldn't know
what to do with it at all.
For some reason
I am always surrounded by hipsters.
I hate that. I am not a hipster.
I don't trust adults on skateboards.
What are you trying to be?
Can't let go of secondary school?
Well, anyway...
I have my own company,
a concept developing company.
The advantage of having your own
company is that you decide what to do.
See you in a bit.
The disadvantage is
you have to take other jobs...
...to pay the rent.
Sir? Hello?
This is a mouse.
And you use it to click with.
OK, so maybe I don't have
a Steve Jobs lifestyle...
...but I make good money
and those people are really happy.
Lately, I am working on
the development of a new app.
Oh, and this is my programmers team.
They are helping me with my app.
Your mum gets horny when she's drunk.
- Shut up.
You weren't at that LARP weekend.
My girlfriend won't let me.
- She has a say?
Because of last year.
- That's right.
When you were shagging that Noban elf
in the Hell Temple of Gozlapan.
You must have some Orc killer
down there. That girl made some noise.
I thought the Orzabis were sacrificing
her in exchange for Gompri.
If it's Astrid, I'm not here.
- Appalicious, Guido speaking.
Today I have a date with my girl.
SIX MONTHS AGO
It's over, Timo.
I don't want this anymore.
All right, my ex-girlfriend.
I would like to keep seeing you,
but you seem to be stuck in a rut.
You never finish anything you start,
you still live with those three blokes.
It is...
I don't want this kind of life, yeah?
Well, ex... It feels more like
we are in a long break phase.
Sometimes people make you think
at exactly the right time.
It's not exactly nice,
but in my case it did open my eyes.
It all started with a dinner
with Sophie.
Good evening.
- Hello.
I believe you have a reservation
under Sophie van Rozen.
Yes, I believe she's here.
I'll have a look.
Do you need any help, madam?
- Yes, please.
That bloody coat.
Sir? Please follow me.
- Thank you.
Oh, a kiss and a hug.
I'm a lucky girl.
It's funny how that works...
...all day long you think:
this will be so awkward.
But once you're there, it's not so bad.
We pick up where we left off,
without pregnant silences.
I wanted to bring you a bottle of wine,
for your birthday.
But it's odd bringing your own wine
to a fancy restaurant.
So I thought I'd send it to you.
I like receiving parcels as well.
It turns out that most post offices
have vanished.
They've been taken over
by tobacconists. So weird.
And sending it cost more
than the wine itself...
...so I'll just drop it off
at your place one of these days.
Sorry, I am really glad to see you.
How are you?
I'm fine. Busy, super busy, really.
Why is it that the best you can do
nowadays is to be 'busy'?
If you are busy, you must be doing well.
And you?
- Super busy as well.
See?
- Some very exciting things, and...
Let me get right to the point.
- Fuck, she's seeing someone.
I'm seeing someone.
- Damn.
And...
- Shit, she's getting married.
I stopped taking the pill.
- Fuck.
How nice. That's great.
Yes.
I wonder what you will think of him.
- Of who?
Ferry. He's kind of wild,
but he really makes me laugh.
So he will be joining us?
-Ferry.
OK, don't be predisposed. I bet
he's probably a really nice guy.
He probably saves puppies
and kittens in his spare time.
Hey, Ferry.
Timo.
- I know.
Hey, love, I had trouble
convincing the bar staff...
...but they still had one bottle
of your favourite wine.
No, I might already be pregnant.
- One glass can't hurt. Toughen him up.
OK, I don't like this bloke one bit.
Shit.
- Timo, that's bad luck.
Are you still superstitious?
- Over your shoulder.
I'm sorry.
- What's with you?
Fuck.
Nice going. Ginger knob.
Sir, it was an accident.
It was my fault.
You'd think that after this
it couldn't get any worse.
Trust me.
"You ain't seen nothin' yet."
Are you OK?
I'll get some more dry napkins.
But... congratulations, man.
- What for?
Becoming a father.
- Oh, that.
It's a matter of eating plenty of nuts.
And eggs. Good for your fuck pattern.
Your what?
-It helps your sperm count.
Cum. Jizz. Luke-warm man juice.
- I got it.
Food is everything.
Are you seeing anyone new yet?
If you want to put a bun in
a girl's oven, you know what you do?
Give me your hand.
When you're humping her, right,
and you feel you're going to blow...
...you shove it in.
And I mean really shove it in.
Really deep.
Down to the roots.
And while the last shot is going in...
...you slowly push up her legs,
while you keep humping and breathing.
Then you look her in the eyes, and...
- Fer, what are you doing?
I'm telling Timo about our method.
- Let go of him.
Why?
- Ferry is little wild.
It has nothing to do with you.
Why on earth is she seeing this prick
with fingers?
After going with me,
how could you pick such a knob?
How is your app coming?
Be honest, it's still in development.
And don't give me this 'in development'.
After I filter out a few bugs,
it will be ready to launch.
Liar. You don't even have a title yet.
Sounds good.
That cup of hot cappuccino is forcing me
to release the pressure, guys.
I have to go to a viewing
of 12 Years A Slave.
Wow, that is so wrong.
Yes, sorry. He can be a bit much.
It's also because he deals
with a lot of artists.
Artists?
A manager has to be very direct.
It's why he's doing so well.
Yes, that must be it.
So you bought a house?
- Yes.
And you managed to get a loan
from the bank?
Where is the rest?
And how are you?
House, garden...
Still see the boys?
No, I haven't seen the boys in a while.
These are my flatmates.
Of course, I understand. Absolutely.
Sir, for six months now I've been trying
to turn Games Galore into a mega event.
And it's going to work.
It absolutely will.
I believe your location has
that international allure...
...that it needs.
Felix is basically a nice chap,
but he has a few idiosyncrasies:
A mix of ADD, hypochondria and
a bit of obsessive-compulsive disorder.
He can't handle change, loves schedules
and everything is planned in advance.
So his job as an event planner
fits him like a glove.
The flyers are finished, the script too.
It's sold out. Try calling your boss.
Hello? Damn it.
OK, are you dead on the inside?
If you'd put less jalapenos
in the tacos, I'd be fine.
I spent 32 minutes spraying cold water
on my anus because it was on fire. OK?
With the shower head I have to use?
- Don't act like I disgust you.
I have to shower in your shit every day.
That's what mates do.
And this is Mark.
Mark claims that he was in the army
and always says what's on his mind.
Classical music makes him cry,
thinks he's a born leader...
...and sees everything in his life
as a mission.
He usually also embellishes the truth...
...which places him squarely
in the category of storyteller.
I never wank in the shower,
that's Sebas.
Sebas.
And this is Sebas.
Sebas has an online shop...
...with gadgets
and spy shop equipment no-one needs.
Like a lamp with a camera, but the film
is always overexposed because of it.
A microphone in a blow-dryer,
that kind of thing.
It makes doing business tough,
but clear.
'No customers, no trouble,'.
That's his motto.
And like any freelancing entrepreneur,
his days are planned in wank sessions.
Whoa, dude, were you jerking off?
Is that my laptop? If there's any sperm
on my keyboard...
Leave him alone. He's not involved.
Sebas. Time to pay up, my boy.
- Yes, yes, yes.
What the fuck is going on?
- Let's stay calm for a moment.
Stay calm? Shut up.
- Girls, I'm trying to ring...
What the fuck happened to the door?
Is he jerking off again?
What kind of bullshit is this?
What the fuck?
OK, I'll take care of it for you.
I give you all one week.
To pay up..
We've got other things to do, get it?
- I promise...
Hey, we made a deal about fireworks...
- Now cut the bullshit.
Boys...
If I were you,
I'd help your friend here.
Because if he fucks it up...
...all of you will wake up one day
at the bottom of the IJ River...
...with a concrete stake
around your waist.
Sir, we have nothing to do with this.
Is he a friend of yours?
Yes.
Then you are going to help him,
because he is a lazy sod.
So from now on
you have everything to do with this.
Do you get that?
You get seven days to get the money.
Call me when you have it.
Catch, wanker.
I think I swallowed Elvis.
OK, I'll fill you in, but promise me
you won't get mad. OK?
Do you mind if I hear your story first?
Let him tell us.
Every conflict has a solution.
OK, a few weeks ago
I was in the VIP lounge of the Paloma.
Picking up chicks,
you know how it is.
I thought I was doing all right...
Suddenly there were screams.
So I thought:
Oh no, not on my watch, my friend.
Not with me there.
I know what it means. Go on.
So I walk over to him, grab him
and he tries to box me in the head.
So I give him a full-on head butt.
So he goes down.
How was I to know, he was going to buy
drugs from that Russian.
But Sebas...
- You never fight, right?
Was that at Beatz & Blondjes?
-Yes.
I was there, you knob.
You were drunk at the bar.
Cut the bullshit
and tell us what happened.
OK, I was fucking drunk.
I was at the bar,
I had given up the chase.
Suddenly I see a chick...
...straight out of a porno movie
and she was totally eye-balling me.
So I walk over...
- You don't have to tell it in real time.
Why was a raging, gun-toting Russian
in my house?
I get it, but let him tell this part.
- So you walk over.
So I walk over.
She starts rubbing my dick
and kissing me and shit.
I'm thinking about penalties,
so I won't cum in my pants.
This chick was a total nympo.
Nympo?
- Sex addict.
Nympho.
- Yes. That.
Well done, old man. Nice.
This reminds me of a model
I dated briefly.
A model?
- You never mentioned her.
We had something really special.
Yes, it reminds of my threesome
with Mila Kunis and Scarlett Johansson.
Really?
- Seriously?
Of course not, you moron.
Can we please stick to Sebas' story?
So I'm thinking: I'm taking this chick
home, to tame her vaginally...
...and make her scream
and have her lick my...
Sebas!
When her thick-necked boyfriend
appeared with fists like tennis rackets.
How was I to know the nympo
had a boyfriend?
That man was about to purchase
a suitcase full of coke.
But after a blow from that
body-building, thick-necked monster...
...he was in no mood to buy those drugs.
And then?
- What do you mean: and then?
There is a huge gap
between the disco story...
...and when the KGB fired bullets
into our sofa.
You're scared, I get it.
When I got my first death threat
in Iraq...
...I thought I'd go crazy...
- Mark.
And then I promised to sell those drugs.
What?
I had to say something.
They were very aggressive.
I have nothing to do with this.
You do now.
You think I'm going to miss out
on that money because of you?
I'll find a solution for you.
I decide when I let someone screw me.
Yes, indeed she does.
- And nobody else.
OK, you'll get your money in two weeks,
I swear.
What? Two weeks?
No, there's only one week left.
I had to say something.
Yes, of course
you had to say something.
You have a webshop
where you can easily sell hard drugs.
How much?
- And dealing is legal nowadays.
Silence. How much is it?
- I don't know.
What is it worth?
- I'm not a dealer.
You're not?
I believe our Russian friends disagree.
Boys, let's stay calm
and see what we've got here.
Yes. We have to gather all the facts...
...so we can write down
an good air-tight plan.
Where is the cocaine now?
Jesus.
Well?
Exactly 22 kilos.
-22 kilos. Of course.
I've had 22 kilos of coke
in my house all week.
Fuck my life.
Sophie was right about you.
What is it worth?
- I don't even want to know.
-950 euros?
Thousand. 950,000.
That is almost a million.
Holy shit.
- Great.
Sorry, is this the Timo we all know?
- I didn't believe it either. So changed.
Iran into him, guess what I did.
What?
- I didn't look at him at all.
Saar, no-one cares if you look at them
or not.
What do you mean?
- Maybe they think you didn't see them.
People feel it when I do it.
Believe me.
I don't really believe him.
- People can change, right?
Yes, but he's tweaked the truth before.
- That's true.
But usually because Sebas fooled him.
- Speaking of Sebas.
Saar.
- At least Ferry's honest.
And Ferry has an Audi 4x0,
Timo doesn't.
Saar, that's the logo.
So what?
I thought he was a nice guy.
He had this wonderful energy.
Yes, but Ferry is better for me.
- Definitely.
But I'm happy for him.
- What?
That Timo has sorted out his life.
Perhaps we should go to the police.
Are you mad? Judging by his accent,
the man is from Georgia.
You cannot fuck with them.
Besides, chances are
they have a man with the police.
And if they find out
that we talked to the police...
...one day you'll find
your mum's dog hanging from a rope...
...with his guts
protruding from his belly.
Wait, how do you know all this?
I did some mercenary work
during a Balkan conflict one time.
Interesting. Especially since Georgia
is near Armenia and Azerbaijan...
...nearly 2500 kilometers from the Balkan.
Why don't you shut your face. Unless
you have something useful to say.
WE ARE PROUD OF YOU.
'SOOF AND FER'.
Why don't we just sell the stuff?
Sell it? Of course,
why didn't we think of that before?
Wait, let me check under D for dealer.
Or the J for junkies, or perhaps
we can sell it on eBay.
We're talking 22 kilos of cocaine,
not fucking charity items.
Sorry, I can't be of any help,
because the event next week.
What do you mean?
The event that makes me
a senior supervisor.
But this is important.
- Not really.
Thank god I'm not alone.
You think about it too much.
- You don't think at all.
Firstly, I really don't have time
for this.
Secondly, I don't see me
or any of you as a dealer.
And I like that about our friendship.
Amen.
- But you don't get it.
We don't have to deal drugs.
All we have to do is sell it.
I don't believe my ears.
I know this guy from the old days:
Gerrit. He was in that business.
Gerrit. Good name.
- I can ask him if he is interested.
You think he can move 22 kilos of coke?
Are we really having this conversation?
Felix, say something.
I have a meeting.
- You're staying.
OK, but not long.
I'll ring him to see
if we can arrange something.
Guys, if we are caught
with 22 kilos of coke...
...we go to jail,
even in the Netherlands.
You have a better idea?
- The phones may be tapped.
Hey, Gerrit. It's Sebas.
Great, he's already ringing him.
Are you busy these days?
It is not 15:00 hrs yet.
That's the barbershop you have to go to,
OK?
What? Do I have to do the transaction?
- It seems logical. I'm the best driver.
If it goes wrong, we must leave fast.
- Yes, so?
And Mark's fuse is too short.
- Not true.
And Sebas is useless.
Whoa, dude.
- He's right, old man.
OK, I'm right here.
Nothing's going to happen.
- Sebas is useless. What the fuck.
Let's go into that pub first.
We'll drink one or two,
so we don't stick out.
Right, capital idea.
Let's go to a pub first. Super.
2 and 2 is not 9, OK?
Even cavemen knew that.
Four Vodkas, please.
- But...
Neat, to take the edge off.
I did that with my mates.
We'd be in some pub in Mogadishu...
Not for me, I have to drive.
- Or me.
I'm useless, so I'll have a beer chaser.
Ulug, I can't talk now.
I'll ring you later.
Let's go over it again:
walk to my car and open the boot...
take the suitcase, walk to the shop.
Ladies?
- Can I have a Vodka?
A beer chaser.
- I'll have a double Vodka.
Coming up.
- Can I have some water?
What did you say?
A glass of water.
Nice.
You know what would be nice?
If I don't do it.
To just go home in a bit and not do it.
That would be nice.
We only have 6.5 more days,
bunch of cock... er spaniels.
Is that him?
I'm not doing it.
What part of that don't you understand?
Another double Vodka
for this young lady, please.
I. Am. Not. Doing. It.
Stay calm.
Hi, Timo.
No.
Are going on holiday?
No, to the barbershop.
We mentioned you yesterday.
- Really?
Saar told me
she gave you quite a scare.
I just thought you didn't see me.
-It's not true anyway.
Don't mind them.
What's in the suitcase?
Go. Walk away.
22 kilos of cocaine.
Will you join us for a drink?
- No, I have to go. Sorry.
OK. I'll pop by your new house soon.
Yes, all right.
Bye.
Say hi to Sebas.
- Yes.
Are you Gerrit?
Are you Gerrit?
Are you Sebas?
- Yes, that's me.
Is it good stuff?
Yes. In Colombia
they almost didn't want to part with it.
22 kilos?
- And you can keep the suitcase.
It was nice doing business with you,
Sebas.
Yes.
Is that it?
What do you mean?
I thought it would take longer.
- Are we going to be friends now?
Do you want a relationship? BFF's?
No, I thought it would be more
complicated.
Should I whatsapp your parents,
book a holiday? What?
Isla Margarita? Punta Cana?
Sebas...
Don't touch me.
- You smell.
Fuck.
Damn it. Felix.
Let's help him.
-We'll all go to jail.
Let me out.
We don't leave our mates behind.
What will you do?
Timo is in there.
- I know that.
We're all in this together.
Don't do it.
- Let me out.
Silence. Let's help him.
- That's what I said.
Drive. Now.
- Drive.
Timo is in there.
- Yes.
There is Timo.
I think he looks sexy like that.
- Saar.
I'll make a call.
- This has to be a mistake.
It will be all right.
It has nothing to do with him.
What did you do?
- I stole a bottle of Genever.
You disgusting junkie,
I'm not talking to you. Junkie.
Are you putting space between us?
Putting space between us, you bum?
What did you do?
Nothing. I didn't do anything.
- What nothing?
Did you snuff out a prossie?
Did you kill a prossie?
What?
- You did, eh?
That sounds horrible.
I am a smart gangster.
My first guess was right.
What did she do?
- Who?
That prossie, right?
That prossie you snuffed out.
Why would I kill a prostitute?
- I don't know.
That's more your thing.
A regular who starts losing his marbles
while he's fucking her.
He goes completely bonkers.
So what did you do?
- What do you mean, bum?
Nick anything? Pilfer stuff
that doesn't belong to you?
I fucked your mother in the mouth.
- Oh, was that you?
What are you? A stand-up comedian?
Do I look like I'm laughing?
I was nearly beaten up by Nordin...
...in Alfons the junkie's fresh poo
smell. That's not my sense of humour.
You're holding up
a police investigation.
So I'll ask you again:
Where do you know Gerrit from?
I don't know Gerrit.
- Who is Sebas?
Sir, I don't know
what you're talking about. I'm so tired.
Well, I am sick and tired of you.
May I call my solicitor?
Why are you making this
so hard on yourself? God, damn it.
I can't help it if your job sucks and
that your breath smells like a dead rat.
I heard that.
Damn it.
If he ruins our drugs programme,
this year will be wasted.
Relax.
- Hear from the prosecutor?
We can't hold him for days.
- He's ready to talk.
Stein...
- Yes, damn it.
He won't talk.
He doesn't know anything.
I'm so close.
He's under my control.
There are other ways.
- Torture?
No. Come on, let's go.
Stein, use a mint. Your breath
smells like a bear's arse.
Any information about his background?
No. No record, nothing.
The dullest provincial sod in Amsterdam.
Move away.
You can go.
Sorry.
Powdered sugar.
- I wanted to keep some for us.
You kept 22 kilos of coke
in case we want to stay up for 14 years.
A quarter of a million each.
No more debts.
You get your own fucking house.
- Wait, slow down.
And where were you two?
I wanted to help,
but it all happened so fast...
What if they had shot me?
- They let you go, right?
Because he put in powdered sugar.
How was I to know about Gerrit?
That wasn't the deal.
- No, duh.
Be glad.
- I think you need to shut up.
Knock it off.
- Do I have to shut up?
What about the times
I covered for you...
...when you couldn't pay your bills?
I let you live in my house.
Your father's house,
so you'd be far away from him.
Let's focus on what we need to do next.
Everything always goes wrong
with you, but it's never your fault.
But my life is not a fucking mess
and I don't live off dad's money.
So how is your company doing, Timo?
Finish your app yet? No?
Thought so.
What the fuck
does that have to do with it?
Six more days.
I don't have time for you,
I'm trying to keep us alive.
And that's my fault?
- No, it's 100 per cent mine.
But I take responsibility for it.
We have two options:
We can discuss this for six days
until Putin's cousin pays us a visit...
...or we can solve this together.
You decide.
I remember one time during a border
conflict between India and Pakistan...
...I was a driver for risky missions.
- I am so tired.
I liked it a lot, so when I came back,
I worked as a cab driver for a while.
And believe me, plenty of drugs
are sold in taxi cabs.
Do you know anyone?
I could give Aziz a call.
Great plan. That last deal
also went really well.
Well, I was really disappointed.
He was being ironic, Mark.
You're ironic yourself.
Aziz? It's Mark.
Just act normal, OK?
Hey, mate.
Homie.
Cocaine. What the fuck is this?
These look like the Alps.
This is a beautiful mountain, Mark.
It reminds me of my favourite film.
'Just when I thought I was out,
they pull me back in.'
Scarface. Robert the Niro.
No. Al Pacino.
- Scarface.
Yeah, but Al Pacino...
- Scarface.
In The Godfather.
So can you move this?
No, I can't drive around
with a suitcase and a straw...
...and let people snort from the boot.
Small packets.
It's been that way for years.
People are used to it.
I'm used it
and I'm not going to change that.
Relax, mister Aziz.
You relax, you moron.
But can you sell it?
- I can, if it's in little envelopes.
Where do we get 22,000 envelopes?
Do I look like a postman?
Who is this clown?
That's Timo, this is Sebas...
- Shut it.
Boys, I've got to run.
If you need me, call me.
If you need me?
- Call.
What do you do if you need me?
Just call me.
For sure.
- Please do. Just call.
You'll call me right? Great.
Salaam alaikum.
- Yes.
Yes? Are we going to fold
22,000 little envelopes?
Do you have a better idea?
Felix.
Five more days until you die.
Never let threats guide you.
I remember a mission in Uganda...
Bastards.
Jesus, Mark.
Is there a quicker or different way
of doing this?
Most mass production is done
by child labour.
In Sierra Leone
I worked with 8-year-olds...
Timo, isn't your sister a teacher
at a Waldorf school?
Children, I get the impression that
you are not taking this very seriously.
That hurts me.
So you must keep folding, come on.
What is it?
- I have to wee.
Keep folding.
- But...
When I was in Sarajevo,
I held my wee for three days.
I thought I was going mad.
- Mark.
Take it easy.
Five more envelopes.
Come on, you can do it.
I swear, mate, one day I'll have
my own boot camp class.
Yes, you're a born leader.
- Thanks.
Games Galore, Felix here.
You call that straight?
That's not straight, that's no envelope.
You have to fold toward the point,
little girl. The point.
Mark.
- Come on, put your back into it.
She's a little girl.
- Yes, but...
Sweetie, why are you hanging
with these strange lads?
I have no idea.
I thought you were into computers.
- I was. And I still am.
So then why are you into drugs now?
- I'm not into drugs.
CALL ME, I'M WORRIED
I think it's wonderful that you
are doing something with your life.
Thanks.
Only, why coke?
- I explain it all someday, OK?
Yes, Timo here.
- Right, you're on speakerphone.
Hi.
We have a little problem.
And it's because you are not sticking
to our agreement.
Not at all, really.
- Can you call me later?
We don't feel you take us seriously.
- Yes, and we think that is quite awful.
Guys...
- No, don't 'guys' us.
You will listen to us for a change.
- I'll take care of it.
Then let's move on. You haven't given us
any input for your app.
Or do we have to come up
with everything?
No, but I have an idea. It will be OK.
We've sent you a past-due invoice.
I hope we don't have
to hire a collection agency.
Boom.
- Well done, mate.
At times you must show
who's the alpha man.
We are.
- Let me finish.
We are not jokers, we are Appalicious.
You know it.
- What are you doing?
Homie.
Yo, Aziz. How's it going?
Yeah, very nice.
Nice weather, and everything.
Nice weather? What are you on about?
Marrakech, my man.
Damn it. Aziz, we were going
to sell that thing today.
You didn't say that. You wanted advice.
We have a deadline.
- What do you mean, deadline? Today?
Yes.
- I'm quite sure we won't make that.
Hey mate, I have to hang up.
I'll talk to you later.
Salaam alaikum.
- Right.
Jesus.
- You sure took care of it, Mark.
Good afternoon.
- Hello.
I am Van Dijk
of Van Dijk Collection Agency.
We are looking for...
- Piss off, we're not home.
We often see this kind of behaviour.
- I'll ring the bell again.
Good afternoon.
My name is Van Dijk,
this is my colleague.
Amsterland region... Amsteldam...
Amstelland. Police. Urgh..
We are looking for mister De Ruyter.
- That's me.
We'd like to talk to you
about some unpaid bills.
May we come in?
- I have this under control.
Eh... yes.
Just one tiny moment?
- Wait...
Wait.
- Put those boxes behind...
Sorry.
- You're here already.
We must solve this misunderstanding
right away.
Yes, I think so too.
First of all,
I don't think this is very polite.
Secondly,
you have made quite a mess of it.
I know, I, eh...
'Oh, Oh' interested in a cup of coffee?
- Oh, yes please.
How do you like it?
- Black. You?
How did we get ourselves into this?
Can we talk another time?
The old Bill is inside.
I don't understand why
it's not paid yet.
It must be those IBAN numbers,
they're so long.
We've heard that one before.
She's coming this way.
- Three, two, one.
May I ask what you are doing here?
We were looking
into our neighbour's flat.
Why is that?
- He was in the nude.
Yes, buck naked,
so we wanted to have a look.
He is rather well-endowed, you see.
He probably had an erection.
Willies are usually bigger then.
Right, yes, that's true.
We often have erections too.
Most of the time, really.
Oh yes, we love dicks.
That's why we wanted to peek.
OK, that is...
...fine.
It's gone.
- Gone? What is?
My savings. That's what is gone.
That's why I've made such a mess of it.
If you would sign here
on the dotted line.
It's the authorisation for the payments.
I promise it won't happen again.
- What a fuss, eh?
You have unusual flatmates.
- Yes, they are a bit odd.
But anything goes nowadays.
We are going over to the neighbour.
- Yes, he has boxes of love for us.
Bye.
OK... see you again sometime.
- I hope not.
I'll see you out.
There he is.
Wait. Wait a minute.
This sucks. This sucks. God, damn it.
Now what?
- One second.
Where is your car?
- Sebas was the last to use it.
The disabled parking spot.
Sorry. You're the last debt collector
I'll ever see.
You're here. I was getting worried.
Soof, what are you doing here?
- Oh shit.
Debt collector?
- No, it's not what...
Why don't you respond?
- I tried to call...
What's going on?
I thought you no longer lived here.
Will you let me explain?
- You know what irritates me the most?
That, once again, I feel stupid.
That I fell for it again.
I was starting to doubt myself.
I am impressed.
You should be an actor.
- Sophie. I am sorry.
We have a problem, man.
- You think?
I feel like I'm in a bad LSD trip.
Am I in an LSD trip? Be honest.
What did Sophie want?
- She asked for my hand in marriage.
Really? Fantastic.
- No, of course not.
Felix.
Timo, you're on speakerphone...
We have a problem.
- Sebas thought so too.
Funny.
- This is my plan...
No, you listen. If we don't find
those boxes within five days...
...an angry Russian will kill us,
so focus on finding those boxes.
Sebas and I will find a buyer before
we die. Can we agree on that?
Deal.
- Nice.
OK, very well. Toodle-oo.
How will we find a buyer?
- I don't hang out in drug joints.
How do I know?
Ulug, I can't talk now.
I'll ring you back later.
OK. It's better if you go.
Why?
- So I can cover you.
What are you babbling about?
Best out of three.
OK, you go in and get the boxes
and I'll be on the lookout here.
When you turn off the light in there,
I'll start the car and we're off.
Piece of cake.
- OK, great.
Mark, why can't we both go inside?
- No.
Jesus Christ. What the fuck
is that doing in my car?
You can't have one in your flat, moron.
- Or in your car.
It's not my car.
- No, it's my car.
So who has a weapon in his car?
- What are you going to do with it?
Relax. It's just for back-up.
- In case a mammoth lives here?
Don't tell me how to handle situations
like this.
When I was in Eritrea,
I worked with a nervous corporal.
He had a diarrhea attack
and part of his intestine came out.
You could smell it all over
the compound. Everything stank.
The paramedic... Crouch down...
It took the medic six hours...
Boys, what will it be?
Nothing, thanks.
We are looking for Loek?
Ulug. Why?
We have Colombian medication
we need to get rid of.
We discovered a ski slope
in South America.
No more drinks for you, mate.
We have some pure white espresso
we would like to sell.
Is he with you?
We have 22 kilos of coke for sale.
What...
- White espresso? Really?
Is this a joke?
- No.
Listen. We know we have to be here.
And that's why we're here. No bullshit.
- So where are those 22 kilos?
We don't have it on us,
but it can be here very quickly.
And why should I believe you?
See? It won't work.
- Shut your face. Wait.
Money. Money.
Holy shit. Is that for real?
Are you taking the piss or what?
- What is this?
I'll introduce you to someone who has
a worse sense of humour than me.
If Ulug gets angry,
he won't dicsuss, duscissi...
...he won't talk to you.
He will fuck you right up the arse.
And that hurts, OK?
This Ulug...
- Is it clear?
Loud and clear.
- That's terrible.
Well, OK.
Did you come by car?
Hello, neighbour.
God damn...
Daddy?
What a mess.
Jurrijn?
Who is there?
- God damn.
Let me do the talking.
I laid it on a bit thick.
Do you mind if I do it?
Hello?
What the fuck?
Maybe we should just go back.
Hello?
Ulug?
Where is your stuff?
I don't have much time.
Sit down.
The stuff is on its way,
but I have to make a call. Is that OK?
Moron. I'll suck your dick dry, man.
Hurry up, you frying pan.
Hello.
Timo.
- What's up? Did you succeed?
Jurrijn?
Yes and no.
- What do you mean?
The boxes are in the car.
- Yes, so?
Only Felix is still in there.
- What?
He'll be unconscious for a bit.
I don't believe it.
You guys are such losers.
Shut your face, Timo.
- Come on, you know I'm right.
In life there are winners and losers,
and you guys are just losers.
Hello? Is anyone there?
Is it good quality? 'Cause I don't like
shit, you know what I mean?
When it gets here, you'll be convinced.
I'll give you 600,000.
600,000 is not very much.
- Are you a little bum boy?
No.
- I think you are a bum boy.
You like licking bum holes,
you cocksucker.
Mister Ulug. We have 22 kilos,
the street value...
Your mouth is releasing farts.
I'm swallowing your shit, boy.
They're here.
Timo? Sebastiaan?
Timo, don't panic.
But you fucking shrank.
We'll do what we can to solve this.
Mark, what the fuck?
He's reacting badly to the anesthetics.
- What anesthetics?
No, relax.
You came to pick up the little people
mail, right, little friend? Hey, cuckoo.
Hey, what's that?
Is this man a clown?
I'll eat your arse, man.
Mister Ulug, why don't we concentrate
on the business at hand?
Look, the street value of this cocaine
is 950,000 euros.
That is not negotiable.
Timo, do you have poop in your ear?
I said 600,000. ls a good price.
No. 600,000 is not enough.
- Let's just go, man.
Taste?
I was trying to make a deal,
but I failed.
950,000 is good.
But I never want to see you shitheads
here again. Understand?
We don't want to see your face again
either, dirt bag. He started it.
That's really rude.
Hey guys, I love you more
than you know.
Sebas, are you going to count it?
- Shouldn't I?
Well, there are more than 10,000 notes.
I'd like to check it.
- And I'd like to go home.
Good idea, time to go,
you man whores. Take the suitcase.
Sebas, do you want a cup of coffee?
- No. No, no, no.
This isn't even half the amount.
It's 450,000 euros.
We're short 500 grand.
You see? God.
- God, damn it.
I should've counted it, but he thought
it would take too long.
Now what?
- This is it.
This is it?
- This is it.
What will you do now?
Hide out at your dad's in Brabant?
Wait, I'll ring Pjotr.
Hi Pjotr. I gave away your coke
yesterday. For free.
Could you kill me tomorrow, because...
Let's not lose our heads.
- I've had it with these guys.
You can't just walk away.
- No?
I can't do this anymore.
Games Galore starts in 4 days.
Felix and I are out.
- Really?
You can't just leave us here.
- Watch me.
As usual Timo just gives up
on his friends.
Sebas, it's high time to grow up, man.
- Yeah?
Wait, I have a message for you.
Sorry.
Piss off.
Really, man. If you walk out now,
don't ever bother coming back.
Never.
Hey Timo, it's Felix.
When you get this, ring me.
I don't like the way things are now.
As mates we ought to communicate
with each other.
The most important thing
about friendship is...
I have another call. I'll ring you back.
Games Galore, Felix here.
OK, Sebas, what's the matter?
So just ring him.
Timo?
Are you OK?
- Yes, I didn't sleep very well.
Saar told me you had a fight
with Sebas.
Whoa, word get around fast.
That must be him.
I hope you finally realise
that it has to do with you.
First Sophie gets angry, now Sebas.
Yes.
I don't want to stick my nose into it,
but...
...perhaps you shouldn't play games
with your friends, just be honest.
Yes.
Sophie really believed you were working
on your app. What is it, actually?
You are such a nice lad, so creative...
- That's it.
What?
- That's it.
Play games with your friends.
Perhaps you should also drink less.
Guys, I need your help.
How cheeky can you get.
Not even a 'how are you',
and no pay...
...and then ask us for our help.
Do you use drugs often?
Let me explain.
You must think we sit around
and masturbate all day.
That's not the case.
It would be weird if four adults
sat around all day...
...masturbating in the same office.
And it would be smelly.
So pay us, so we can buy
our comics this weekend.
The invoices will be paid.
This is big, let me explain.
We no longer work for you, mister.
- We are not your bitches.
I'll pay your invoices in cash.
It's a shame.
Your app could've been legendary.
It will be, it will be 'Apppic'.
Epic?
Yes, 'Apppic'. With three Ps.
Three Ps?
- But what will it be?
An app that challenges your friends
to take selfies with odd objects.
The faster you take the selfie,
the more points you score.
That is, if I can be honest,
mundo awesome. Kudos.
Apppic.
With three Ps.
- First like.
Pay up first, amigo.
- Did you bring money?
No, I didn't think so.
But, guys, what if I were to...
...organise a Royal tent for you
at Games Galore?
And I'll throw in four LARPers
deluxe cards, with life's elixir.
Games Galore?
Royal tent?
Life's elixir. Sex.
Guys, somebody has got my attention.
What's your plan?
- I'm working on it.
Timo?
- I need to talk to you guys.
I don't know, man.
Sebas has had it with you.
I think I have the solution.
- OK.
I don't want to talk to him. No.
I'll talk it over with them.
- OK.
Guys.
Stand right over there.
Mark. Sebas, will you come over here?
We need to discuss something.
What's he doing here?
- Come down here.
OK, the plan might be a bit weird,
but it really is not impossible.
Do tell.
- OK, we can use Ulug's money.
We pay Pjotr part of it now
and ask to pay the rest in installments.
And how will we pay those?
If we invest in my app,
we can earn the money.
His app that's still not finished.
Yes. If we launch it this weekend...
...we can start paying the Russians
on Monday.
And do in 3 days
what you couldn't do in 3 years?
I don't think it will work, man.
- How will you launch the app?
I thought we could do it at your event.
What?
- Games Galore.
I'm not deaf.
I won't put my career on the line...
...or be linked to 22 kilos of drugs.
How will you get people
to go to his event?
What?
-It will be tough.
If we try really hard, we could probably
get a few people to attend the event.
But what I don't get is that you think
you can finish that app on time.
I have the best programming team.
Those guys can do anything.
And how will you negotiate
the installments with Pjotr?
Why don't you call him?
He is your friend, right?
Hey Pjot, it's Sebas.
Hey, bum boy.
We want to talk to you about
that payment, you know what I mean.
How do you feel about installments?
Are you trying to fuck me?
Whoa, dude, no.
- Fuck you.
We'd just like to pay in installments.
- Fine.
First one on Sunday,
the second on Monday.
Whoa, Pjot, those are
frighteningly few installments.
We were thinking months.
And we're launching the app
at Games Galore...
...so there's a conflict.
- Right. See you at Games Galore.
Plot?
Pjotr?
Two?
- Couldn't you arrange for more?
That's very little.
- Is he a retard or something?
The bad news is: he's going
to Games Galore to pick up his money.
No way, this can't be happening.
- Relax.
Can't we just give them
the first installment?
That's only half the money.
- I don't think Pjotr would like that.
Wait a second, guys. Listen.
What if the transaction
is seen by the right people?
How?
- If we can get evidence...
...against Pjotr
with Sebas' crap camera...
...we will be rid of him before
we even pay the first installment.
What crap cameras?
I don't want the mafia at Games Galore.
- Look, this is our only chance.
I'm doing the best I can too.
- Let's drink to it, take the edge off.
OK, boys. Shall we do this?
- OK.
Dude, my DJ just canceled.
Do you know anyone who plays a horn,
or any kind of music?
No, I have no idea.
Please, this is shit.
I tried everything.
Wait... I might know someone after all.
Really? Thanks.
- Yeah, no problem.
Ferry Nice Entertainment, who is it?
- Timo de Ruyter, I'm here for Ferry.
Nice. Come on in.
Thanks.
Are you OK?
- Yes, it's nothing.
But women are difficult creatures.
- Yes, I know.
I wish I was homosexual.
Did you have an argument?
It's over.
May I ask you something?
- Yes, of course.
If you could do it all again,
I mean with Sophie and all...
...what would you do differently?
You don't have to answer.
I understand.
I should never have lied to her.
Lies.
Yes, Sophie will put up with everything,
but do not lie to her.
That sounds logical.
- I know her pretty well.
You are a focused panther,
you know that? What can I do for you?
Perhaps you can help me.
- Anything, brother. Anything.
If I can put my pudding gun
to use again thanks to you...
Hey. boys.
Come on, come on.
It needs to come up.
Hey Soof, it's Timo.
Just so you know: I put you, Mandy and
Saartje on the list for Games Galore.
I'm finally launching my app and it
would be lovely if you could be there.
I hope that things are going well
for you. Hope to see. Love you.
Jesus, I out.
Jesus.
- I hit him on the jugular.
He's passing out.
Looking good.
Sebas...
We've been following you guys.
We need to talk. Get in.
Hey, long time no see.
You are looking good.
- So are you.
Shall I escort you to the dressing room?
- Yes, my knight.
I know. They're in the back...
It would be great if it's sold out.
- I love themed events.
People can be themselves here.
-It's a laugh, eh?
Hey, are you OK?
Shouldn't you let Timo know we're here?
No, I'll send him an app in a bit.
He must be busy.
- Girls, free drinks.
How did you get VIP bracelets?
Saar.
- What?
No.
Mike, here goes: three, two...
The dream of every game
and fantasy lover: Games Galore.
They have selected a unique location.
With me here is organiser, Felix.
And today
a brand-new game will be launched.
It promises to become a mobile rage.
We decided to go with an event...
...so we can treat all our guests
to an app and a model.
Thank you. And now, back to the studio.
This way, gentlemen.
We don't have much time.
Don't disappoint us.
Ladies and gents,
game and fantasy lovers:
Welcome
to the upgraded Games Galore.
And we are also here for the launch
of a new app: Apppic.
When I hit the gong, the game will be
available on your smart phone.
So let's do this.
Three, one, two.
Damn, they're here already.
What is Mark doing?
Sebas was supposed to do that.
Stop using that thing.
How can you stay so relaxed?
If Mark fucks up, we are dead.
He's arguing with them.
We have a reason to celebrate.
I assume you like Vodka.
That is Vodka
from the village I was born in.
This is going to be
an unforgettable evening. Follow me.
What kind of funny stuff is this?
We are here on serious business.
So how do you do business at home?
Will you follow me?
Let's go.
Fluent in Russian. Who knew?
- Never knew he really served in the army.
A secret commando unit.
- So where is Sebas?
I hope this shit works. Last time, all
we got was black and rainbow colours.
I can stop by to demonstrate.
We have what we need.
Did you really get doughnuts? No.
To our friendship, and to our deal.
Wait a minute...
You first.
It tastes good, really good.
Salaam alaikum.
So where is your friend
with our payment?
He's coming around. Arriving.
You can see it all on Blu-ray later.
- This is it?
It worked fine earlier.
- Listen, prick.
We have our own camera
and tapping equipment.
But this isn't all of it.
I also have a camera hidden in a lamp.
Here.
Poop, they turned on the lamp.
The image is better
with the lamp turned off.
So why didn't you put in a broken bulb?
That's a good one. Good one.
So everything is under control and the
room is filled with cameras and mikes.
But all I see is a broken watch
and an overexposed camera in a lamp.
Look, if you fuck this up...
...you will be in jail
and your friends will be six feet under.
That bulb needs to be replaced.
No, I'll come downstairs.
Sebas. How is it going?
Fucked up, dude. Do me a favour.
Go to the cellar. You'll see a lamp,
between the sofas.
Walk over to it and take out the bulb.
I don't have time for this bullshit.
- It is fucking important. Do it now.
Now.
I've got good news.
Not only do we have your money...
...we also have a new buyer.
They are trying to rip us off.
Yes, that's what it looks like.
What do you mean?
I suppose you have more of that
Colombian 'whiteness', don't you?
Mate, we have enough to supply all
of Volendam for the next ten years.
What did he say?
- They have enough.
Look who we have here.
Hello. A bulb broke upstairs,
so I have to change the bulbs.
Sit down.
- No, I really have to get back...
Sit.
Look, all right.
Hey, that's excellent, isn't it?
Mind if I decide for myself?
Thanks.
Do you know Ulug?
- Ulug?
He doesn't have
as much merchandise as we do...
...but he does the best he can.
He likes drugs, he likes money.
We work together regularly.
How about that.
Unit 4 to the cellar. Keep it low key,
we don't want a mess.
Not you, knob.
I've got to go. I'm out of breath.
- Sit.
I'm getting an attack.
- Relax. Breathe through your nose.
Calm your breathing. Relax.
I can't handle this.
No.
Felix.
- Felix. Lay low.
Mark.
Thanks.
- See you later.
Yeah, later. Thanks.
Hey. boys.
How are you doing?
- Not too bad.
How was the launch?
Well. Pretty good, I mean...
I'm happy
I was able to finish it on time.
So was it sold out?
Yes.
Anyone in the mood
for rotisserie chicken?
Yes, thanks.
- Enjoy your meal.
Guys, the food here is awful.
Tastes like emptied colostomy bags.
Have you become an estate agent?
- No, I...
I have a date.
- All right. Who with?
With Sophie.
So what are you doing here?
Go to her.
Shall I put these in a vase?
- That's so gay.
Soof. Sophie.
Shit.
What are you doing?
- Sorry.
What are you doing here?
- Soof, look. I have...
...your favourite champagne.
- You're drunk, go home.
No, honestly.
I wanted to see you yesterday,
but it was so hectic.
I am relaxed now.
Yesterday was a madhouse.
I just wanted to say hello.
- Never mind.
No, Soof... wait.
Right. Hello.
Soof... I really want you to know
that I've changed.
Not because I want you back,
but to show you that I can change.
What about his room?
Friends hold viewings for six years now.
Are they that picky?
- No, for chicks.
Sort of like Tinder, only in 3D.
- Nice.
All in favour?
- Moi.
Majority rules.
I wonder how Gerrit is doing?
Nice doing business with you, Ulug.
- What does this mean?
Nice doing business with you, Ulug.
There is a dwarf here
with garden shears.
OK, ladies, you think I'm joking?
I want forty knee raises.
Keep them high. Don't let them droop.
It's nice to see friends
pursue their dreams.
Keep it tight. And up.
It seems this wake-up call
has also motivated my friends.
I'm willing to turn a blind eye this
time, but do not make a habit of this.
I have deadlines too, you know.
Fine, bye-bye.
Do you know what it might be?
Growing up is not something you learn,
it just happens.
If it is a dull housewarming party,
I'm gone.
Don't panic.
- We'll stay half an hour.
Look, here it is.
Come on, guys, I don't think he'll be
amused to find me at his door.
Perhaps he invited a nice girl,
for all I know. Oh god...
There he is. OK...
It's really quiet. Are we too early?
- Who's we?
Sorry about the madness the other day.
- Sorry I was so rude.
Your app is doing well, eh?
- Yes, not bad.
I'm proud of you, you know?
I'll see you soon, all right?
Soof.
I am available next week.
I thought you were going to show me
your house.
All I have in there are boxes and a bed.
Oh yes, and Ferry.
That's not a very nice story.
No, that's not quite true.
Ferry is doing really nasty things
in parks.
No, that's not quite true either.
The thing is...
...sometimes good lads
have to go through a turbulent phase.
And that's all right,
only sometimes it really is necessary.
OK, why don't you introduce yourself.
I am Eva.
- I am Rianne.
Why do you want to live here?
I was living with my boyfriend,
but we split up.
Do you ever do push-ups?
- Yes.
Yeah? Nice.
Say you are...
- I am...
Walking in town...
Say we are all sitting on the sofa,
watching TV.
How would you sit here? With us.
Come sit with us here.
What the fuck.
Taste good?
What the fuck.
I'm at a concert, you know?
And they're off their heads. You must
hurry... Oh well, a fucking mess.
Do you mind sleeping apart?
Yes.
- OK, next.
And so who are you guys?
Mark...
- What the fuck, mate.
And cut.
- No...
Tony, fucker.
- No...