The Horizontal Lieutenant (1962)
Man: This is me, October 1944...
the day I was inducted
into the United States Army.
This is me again,
when I was enrolled
in officer's candidate school.
And here's another of me...
the day they assigned me
to Military Intelligence.
Military Intelligence...
man, what mental pictures
that brought up.
I could see myself busting
enemy codes wide-open
all over Europe,
snooping out troop movements
in oriental saloons,
languishing in the arms
of some foreign spy
while I wormed
the plans out of her.
That's what I dreamed about.
You know what happened?
This.
That's no disguise I'm wearing.
That's me,
languishing in Fort Garrett,
Honolulu,
4,000 Miles from the nearest
Japanese Kamikaze.
[Cheering]
There I sat for months,
Second Lieutenant Merle Wye
of Military Intelligence,
third-string outfielder
on the G2 ball team.
What a way to fight
for your country.
Little did I know
I would soon be a casualty
of World War II.
Ohh! Ohh!
Medic! Medic!
Horizontal Lieutenant
2, 3, 4
2, 3, 4
Horizontal Lieutenant
2, 3, 4
Hup, 2, 3, 4
1, 2, 3, 4
Who's the guy
the gals adore?
The Horizontal Lieutenant
3, 4, 5, 6
Who's got all
the dolls and chicks?
The Horizontal Lieutenant
Though his army record
was poor
He sure won the battle
of Toujours L'amour
hup, hup, 1, 2
One for all and all for who?
The Horizontal Lieutenant
He was game
whoa-yeah
With a dame
whoa-yeah
He's the most
uh-huh
Here's a toast
uh-huh
Here's to our 4-star
Horizontal Lieutenant
Hup, 2, 3, 4!
Though his army record
was poor
He sure won the battle
of Toujours L'amour
Hup, hup, 1, 2
One for all and all for who?
The Horizontal Lieutenant
He was game
with a dame
He was brave
how he gave
At the post
he's the most
Here's a toast
here's a toast
Cheers to our 4-star
Horizontal Lieutenant
2, 3, 4
Hup, 2, 3, 4
Horizontal Lieutenant
2, 3, 4
Hup, 2, 3, 4
Horizontal Lieutenant
Wye: When I woke up,
I had a strange impression
that the nurse in the room
was a girl I used to know,
back home in Wichita.
What time is it?
What do you care? You're
not going anyplace.
You know, for a minute there,
I had the funniest feeling.
I thought you were a girl...
Don't try to talk.
You've been hit in the head.
Girl I knew in college...
tall, skinny girl,
lanky, sort of.
I said don't talk.
Are you lanky, nurse?
Yeah, I'm lanky.
Go to sleep.
Not like her, though.
A lot of laughs, that kid...
the awkward type, you know,
not the kind you
date or anything,
[laughing] But
a lot of laughs.
[Laughing] Yeah.
Hey, look, I'm warning
you don't talk.
We used to call
her high pockets.
Ha ha ha!
She was crazy about me.
Oh, I can believe that.
Why not?
Funny I should think
about her now.
Her name was Molly Blue.
What's your name, nurse?
Molly Blue.
Hi, Merle.
Hi, Blue.
What?!
Down. Down! Down, boy!
Hiya, Blue.
What's the good word?
Hey, Ron. Nothing much.
Men: Hi, Blue. Hey, Blue, hi.
Hey, how's it going, sexy?
Ok.
Hiya, Blue. Hi, Mike,
how are you doing?
Like, any chance
of an alcohol rub?
Uh-uh. Not today.
Man: You got a minute, Blue?
Blue: For what? You tell me,
and then maybe I'll decide.
Hey, Blue, come on back here.
Hello, Harry.
Man: Don't forget to come
back this way, Blue.
Well, I see we're leaving
today, lieutenant.
How do we feel? And why
aren't we dressed?
We feel terrible,
and we aren't dressed
because we're thinking of sticking
around for a few days.
Oh, are we really?
Yeah. We're thinking of lying
here flat on our backs
until a certain
Lieutenant Molly Blue
makes a date with a certain
Lieutenant Merle Wye.
And
we've been over that before.
What is this screen doing up?
I'm sick.
Only emotionally.
Blue.
Tonight's a big night for me.
It's my first time
out in 2 weeks.
Now, will you or won't you
have dinner with me tonight?
Just give me a simple
answer yes or no.
No.
Well, you don't
have to answer now.
You just think it over for a little while,
and you can come back...
close. Close. Down, boy.
This is strange, this
sudden attraction
I suddenly seem
to hold for you.
You hardly looked
at me back home,
except, as you
say, for laughs.
Could it possibly be
that you're having
trouble getting
dates in Honolulu?
I can get
all the dates I want.
Why bother with me?
Why waste your time
with old "high pockets"?
Are you gonna hold me
responsible for something
that happened when
I was unconscious?
If you bite that thermometer,
lieutenant,
you're gonna stay
here another 2 weeks.
Look, no matter what I said,
it's not what I think now.
Besides, you've changed.
You've changa lot.
It's not me who's changed.
It's the world.
From a tall girl,
I've suddenly developed
into a short commodity.
There aren't enough of us
to go around these days,
which probably accounts
for my spectacular popularity.
Aw, look, I just told you...
it wasn't always so.
I remember the day
when the only men
who ever whistled at me
were traffic cops.
If a fella was 2
inches shorter,
he wouldn't be caught
giving me the correct time.
Now, he'll not only give
me the correct time,
but he'll chase me 6 blocks
to whisper it in my ear.
You know something?
I don't mind it at all.
I ask for a simple date,
I get a social history.
Look...
When I was coming
out of that fog,
who do you think the first
girl I thought about was?
Was it farlene sausten?
No.
Was it that redhead
Mildred something?
No.
Was it Candy Cane Lutz, the drum
majorette with the big baton.
No. It was Molly Blue.
Now, that must mean something.
It means you got
a hit on the head.
It means you were in my mind.
I'd been thinking about you.
Now, that must mean something.
Doesn't it?
I don't know. Maybe.
And you did used to like me...
[Laughing] A
little bit, anyway.
I suppose so...
in weak moments.
So date me.
I can't.
Why not?
Well, I'm on duty tonight.
You wouldn't lie
to me, would you?
Why should I lie?
Hiya, Blue.
Oh, hello, doctor.
I'll pick you up around 8:00.
Look your prettiest, kitten.
We're throwing a real
winger tonight.
Ok.
I'm sorry.
[Crunch]
Merle, for heaven's sakes.
Come on, spit it out.
Merle, spit it out! Come on!
Uh-uh. All right.
Now, come on. Oh!
Merle! Come on. Come on.
[Chuckling]
Heh heh heh!
[Asian accent]
Hiya, lieutenant.
What's the good word?
Any calls while I was out?
Calls? Let's see...
Nope. No calls.
Lieutenant Blue
didn't call, huh?
Nope. He didn't call either.
It's a girl, Tada, a nurse.
Nope.
Nothing happened all day long.
Well, that's par
for the course in this outfit.
Everybody else
is out shooting the enemy.
I get hit in the face
with baseballs.
Lieutenant, how you happen to get
into intelligence department?
Just how do you
mean that, Tada?
I don't mean something.
It's very simple.
I studied languages
in college,
and naturally,
they assigned me
to Japanese interpretation.
Why not?
Why not?
Yeah, except I studied French.
Oh, sure.
Sometimes I wonder
how the high command
makes decisions in this army.
Maybe they use a ouija board.
You know, if it weren't
for you niseis,
I'd still think that sukiyaki
was an enemy general.
What's the matter?
When you say high command,
it ring a gong in my head.
There was a call for you.
Lieutenant Blue?
No, no, no, not
Lieutenant Blue.
Colonel Delgan...
high command.
Colonel Delgan,
and you forgot?!
What's the matter
with you, Tada?!
What time did he call?!
I think it was yesterday.
Yesterday.
You sent for me, sir?
Did I?
Who are you?
Lieutenant Wye, sir.
Oh. How come we don't see you
out with the ball
team, lieutenant?
We want that pennant,
you know.
As coach, I like to see
every man doing his part.
If you will recall, sir, I was hit
in the head with a foul ball.
Oh, that Lieutenant Wye.
Yeah, I place you now.
You hit .150 and can't
judge a high fly.
I'm afraid that's right, sir.
Aw, never mind. We're not
here to talk about baseball.
Lieutenant, uh, I think
we have a field assignment
for a man of your caliber.
Why, thank you, sir.
Active duty on Rotohan.
I imagine you've heard
of Rotohan.
Yes, sir... one of the islands
we took from the Japanese
about, uh, 8 months ago.
Right.
Well, we've got a man out there
now... Lieutenant Monk.
Good enough man, I suppose,
but he doesn't have
the special insight
required for this operation.
Could you, uh, give me a brief
fill on the job, sir?
In a word, stopping Kobayashi.
Stopping what?
I don't have time
to explain right now.
One of the boys
outside will brief you.
You're on a plane tomorrow.
Yes, sir,
and, sir, I don't know
what stopping Kobayashi means,
but whatever it is, I'll do
my best to stop it.
Good luck, lieutenant.
Than you, sir.
Hello, hospital? Lieutenant
Molly Blue, please.
What was the name
of that island again?
Rotohan.
She's got to be get there!
Well, page her or something...
top urgent!
Yeah, Rotohan, active duty...
replacing an officer
named Monk.
It's, uh, pretty
important stuff,
so it hurry up, will you?
Oh, it's important, all right,
only you're not replacing
Monk, he's replacing you.
That's impossible.
Why?
He used to play second base
for the San Francisco Seals.
Yeah, but...
but colonel said...
hey, I've got
to stop Kobayashi.
That's right. Kobayashi:
Possible name of a Japanese
holdout on Rotohan...
harmless, unarmed,
roams through hills,
steals things
from army stores,
preferably food and supplies,
but has also stolen
personal items,
including Colonel
Korotny's socks.
There's your crash
program, lieutenant:
Stop Kobayashi and help Colonel
Delgan win the pennant.
I think I'll throw up.
Can't say I blame you.
Of course, uh, a job on Rotohan
isn't without its peril.
You might, uh, die of boredom.
[Sarcastically] Ha ha ha.
Blue on phone: A
Lieutenant Blue here.
Hello, Blue.
Hello. Who is this?
Uh, Merle.
I was wondering if I could
see you tonight.
I'm sorry, Merle, I'm busy.
To be perfectly honest,
I have a date.
Ok.
Well, I'll write
to you from...
Out there.
Merle, you mean
they're shipping you?
Yup.
And from all I hear,
it's a real hot spot.
What?
Blue: When are you going?
Tomorrow.
Top secret stuff. I'd rather
not talk about it, naturally.
Naturally.
Will you shut up?
Listen, I'll break my date.
We've got 2 colonels.
Will you think
what you're doing?
Wait.
Listen, I've got to. The
poor guy's being shipped.
Hey, pick me up at 7:00.
Promise?
Sure. Sure! See you then.
Aren't you ashamed?
Yes.
[Hawaiian music playing]
They're really sending
you into action?
Yup. Orders cut, fully
briefed, leave at dawn.
Hiya, Blue.
Freddie, how are you?
It seems so sudden.
Yup. Tomorrow this time,
I'll be... out there.
Just think.
Yup.
Blue, darn decent of you to spend
this last night with me.
Oh, it's the least I could do.
Man: Hello there, Blue.
I believe in keeping
up our boys' morale.
Uh, Blue, seeing as it is my last
night, I was wondering if...
hey, Blue!
Charlie.
Hey, how's it? Oh,
of all people!
Ok. My gosh! How are you?
When did you get back?
Nice to see you.
Yup, out there. Somewhere
in the war-torn Pacific.
Merle, I'm not going to ask
you what the job is.
Uh, frankly, I wish
you wouldn't.
Will it be... Dangerous?
Hell, no.
Oh. Good.
Well, of course, you
never can tell,
and seeing as we haven't
got too much time left...
hey, bluesy girl.
What's the good word?
Harry sutten! Not really.
How have you been?
Harry's been fine.
Blue, couldn't we go someplace
a little less public?
Your last night?
I should think you'd want
bright lights and...
People.
Bright lights and... People
give me a pain.
Couldn't we, Blue,
go someplace?
Well, I guess so.
Hey, this is my place.
Why, Tada, who told
you to stop here?
You did, this afternoon.
You said...
all right. All right.
Just for a few minutes, huh?
Just for conversation.
Ok, but, uh, I'll pick
the subjects.
Sit down, Blue. Sit down,
and make yourself comfortable.
Oh, Merle! Oh,
what a heavenly place!
How did you ever find it?
You're not keeping
it, of course?
I won't have much use
for it out there.
Say, would you mind if I tell
somebody about it, huh,
what with the housing
shortage and all?
Oh, it has wonderful
possibilities.
Just wait till I tell
Marv about this place...
Or Johnny.
Oh! Maybe don
would love it, too.
Oh, I bet he would.
Still, I think Marv
should have it.
Ok, Marv can have it,
but let's wait
till tomorrow, huh?
Blue, come on over and sit
on the couch.
Are you keeping a woman?
Me? What woman?
Oh, that? That's mine.
It's a haori.
What?
A haori.
[Laughs]
It's kind of a Japanese
housecoat. Oh?
Well, let's see
what it looks like.
Here try it on.
Ok. Ok.
I picked it up secondhand
in the city.
Usually they're quieter,
but this particular
one belonged to an actor.
Do you think it, uh,
does anything for me?
[Laughing] Oh. It
looks comfortable.
Oh, it's very comfortable.
See the sleeves?
Oh!
Boy, I like it!
Keep it on.
Sure.
Blue,
why don't you get
comfortable, too?
Take off your tie or...
Something.
Well... This jacket
is pretty tight.
Sure, sure.
Here, let me help
you with that.
Good.
Well...
One sleeve.
Got it?
Yup.
And...
There we are.
Now, you just sit
down and relax.
And take it easy!
There you are.
[Rattle]
Whoops!
[Laughs nervously] Gonna have
to practice on that one.
Now, uh, what can I get for you?
Would you like a drink?
Oh, no.
How about a cigarette?
Ok.
There we are.
Merle,
don't get any ideas.
Ideas? What do you mean ideas?
Who's got ideas?
Ow!
I just remembered, I'm
do in surgery at 7:00.
Don't think about surgery now.
I've got to think
about something.
Think about my morale.
Your morale is doing fine.
Let go.
Blue.
Please. This is not
conversation.
It'll do, though.
Just what were you
trying to do?
Nothing. It was just
these sleeves.
Oh, Blue, please don't go.
Really, I've got to.
[Sighs]
I wish I never
bought this thing.
Oh, don't be silly.
It's beautiful.
By the way, where
can I get one?
Yoshida's on second street.
Why?
Oh, it would make
a perfect gift for...
Somebody I know.
Yeah, somebody: Marv,
Harry, Charlie, Frank...
you ought to get
a price by the gross.
Now, what's eating you,
just because I know
a few men here?
A few? If your dates
signed a separate peace,
we'd lose the war.
So I date a lot. I admit it.
I'm shopping around.
I'm 22, Merle. By the end
of this war, I may be 30.
That's why I say, "gather
ye rosebuds while ye may."
Oh, I wish I had a dollar
for every time that's been suggested.
You could at least be
a little more original.
Ok. Ok.
You know, this
is a fine conversation
for my last night in Hawaii.
Oh, Merle,
I'm gonna miss you, honestly.
I'm going to think
about you, too, out there.
Would you like to kiss
me good-bye?
You will be careful...
Out there?
Promise me you'll be careful.
They say one inch
deeper in a foxhole
makes all the difference.
Blue...
When I come back, that is,
of course, I come back...
Oh, don't say that.
Don't ever say that.
Merle,
where are they sending you?
Rotohan.
Rotohan?!
Yeah.
I guess I shouldn't have
told you that, huh?
You bet you shouldn't.
So that's the hot spot...
Rotohan!
What's the matter?
It's an island in the Roserios.
I don't need
any geography lesson.
I know perfectly well
where Rotohan is,
and I also know
there hasn't been
a cap pistol fired
there in 7 months!
Wait, now, just a second.
What are you gonna
do out there,
relieve a soldier
for combat duty?
Listen, will you?
"In foxholes, one inch
deeper," "if I come back."
All I said was...
yeah, and I almost
fell for it.
It's possible I might not
come back, isn't it?
Maybe I'll get transferred.
Hooray! And the further
away, the better!
Blue, wait!
Come on, Tada, let's go.
Hey, Blue, what do
I do with your tie?
Hang yourself!
They, uh,
tell me you're
for Rotohan, lieutenant.
That's right, sir.
So am I. I've been stationed
out there for 6 months.
[Coughs]
Jeremiah Hammerslag,
Commander, United States Navy.
Merle Wye, intelligence.
Intelligence.
[Chuckles lightly]
Your, uh, trip out there
wouldn't have
anything to do
with Kobayashi, would it?
Yes, sir, it would.
Mm-hmm. I figured as much.
He's been my problem,
too, these days.
He's been looting Navy
stores, you understand?
I was figuring
that maybe we could, uh,
pool our ships together
and sort of sink this guy.
Thank you, sir.
Appreciate your help.
Your boss must be
very important man.
Hmm, yes and no.
Plenty Navy brass
on Rotohan, huh?
Oh, no. Just him... been there
since the invasion.
Navy gave him the job
as a reward.
Reward? What for?
Fired on one of his own ships.
You know, uh, personally,
I think this Kobayashi
must be
some high-mucky-muck...
colonel at least,
maybe even a general.
Really, sir? How come?
Well, it stands to reason.
I mean, the stuff
that he steals...
now, where would an ordinary
Japanese soldier
develop a taste for,
um, smoked oysters
or Italian salami
or anchovies packed
in olive oil
or fruitcake or a tin
of goose liver.
You know what he stole
last week?
A whole case of bottled
gefilte fish.
[Chuckles]
No sea legs, this
young fellow.
[Bumping]
Wye, isn't it? My
name is Billy Monk.
Hi.
Welcome to never-never land.
Thank you.
Man, am I ever
glad to see you.
Take care
of his stuff, Yomura.
Hey, you're gonna love here,
boy. It's a garden spot.
It's a real slice of life.
Well, it's all yours,
lieutenant. Let's travel.
Sorry, I don't drive.
You're kidding.
Everybody drives.
Well, not me. I never learned.
Ho ho! Well, you're gonna
learn and right now. Hop in.
Well, I'd rather not.
Now, look, I can't take
a chance like this.
They're liable to find out you can't
drive and cancel your orders.
That means I'll be stuck on this
lousy rock another 6 weeks.
Come on. Hop in. Let's go.
Ok. Ok. You're bucking
for a head wound.
Don't be silly.
It's a piece of cake.
Now, all you do is put your left
foot on the clutch. Here.
Now shift, you give
it a little gas,
and you release.
It's a piece of cake.
[Engine revs]
Here's where we are now, see,
and here's the harbor,
there's the command
headquarters,
here's the new hospital,
and here's the civilian
detention camp.
Well, that's the whole island.
It's not much,
but you'll learn to hate it.
Now, these cliffs
are full of caves,
where the Japanese
prisoners are holed up,
including your friend
Kobayashi.
Has anyone ever seen
this oriental raffles?
Nor hide nor hair.
He's as slippery as an eel
in a pail of lard.
Doesn't seem to bother
you very much.
Heh! Why should it?
He's your problem now.
Yes, sir, I'm washed
up with never-never land.
As soon as I finish briefing
you on your duties,
which should take
about 3 1/2 minutes,
I'll be winging
my way to Honolulu
and into the arms
of some comfortable girl.
I may stay in that position
for several months.
Well, don't count on it.
That ball club plays
6 games a week,
not counting exhibitions.
So I've heard. But
a guy at my age
could always wrench
his back in the first game,
which I fully intend doing.
Anyhow, I'll be
out of never-never land.
You keep calling it never-never
land. I don't get it.
On this rock, kid, there
are 4,000 American men
and 18 American
women, heh heh...
never-never land.
Can you think
of a better name?
Not offhand, no.
Females americanus...
oh, that's what I hanker for.
Hey, tell me, man, what's females
americanus really look like these days?
About the same.
Boy, that's good enough.
Hey, watch it!
Hey, keep to the right,
will you?
[Honks horn]
Uh... Permit me
to introduce myself.
I'm Colonel Charles Korotny,
your commanding officer.
This is Lieutenant Wye,
sir, my replacement.
I'm delighted.
That's all we need
around here is a drunk!
He isn't drunk, sir. He just
doesn't drive very well.
Then why
was he behind the wheel?
You have an army
driver's license?
Sir?
Monk, I hold you
personally responsible
for this damage
to military property.
Yes, sir. I assume
full responsibility.
That makes it easier, because you're
gonna pay for every nickel's worth.
Yes, sir. I'll send you
the money from Hawaii.
You wouldn't send me
a pineapple from Hawaii!
You're gonna stay right
here till you work it out.
Sir, I may not live that long.
Well, let's hope you do.
So...
You are the big brain they sent
me from intelligence?
The master sleuth who's gonna
capture Kobayashi.
I'm gonna try my best, sir.
Oh, you can do better
than that, lieutenant.
You're gonna have to.
Let me explain why.
There is nothing
for the army to do
in this stinking
tropical paradise,
and as a result, the attention
of the high command
has become unduly focused
on Kobayashi's capture.
Now, they've been on my back
for some time,
and you, lieutenant, you...
Are gonna get them off.
Hmm, good boy.
Now, if you don't succeed,
I can't very well punish you.
Oh, no! Of course not.
But if you fail,
I give you my solemn word that you
will remain in this rat-infested trap
until you have a beard
down to here,
pure white.
You read me good?
I read you good, sir.
Now, both you gentleman have my permission
to get the hell out of here.
Kobayashi, you are surrounded.
Surrender!
Try it.
Kobayashi...
[Speaking Japanese]
[Echo]
Somebody say something.
Try it again.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Echo]
Who is it?
My echo. It's talking
back to me.
Come on.
Tada, take 5 minutes,
scout the road.
The rest of you, fan
out on either side.
Keep that horn going.
Kobayashi...
How many Japanese would you say
there were on this island?
Well, not counting the civilians
down on camp, I can tell you exactly.
We haven't the slightest idea.
You know what I'm
beginning to think?
Huh?
There aren't any Japanese
holdouts at all.
There's no such
person as Kobayashi.
He's a myth,
and he doesn't exist.
Sure, sure. What
about all that military equipment
that keeps disappearing,
like pickled olives
and fruitcake and gefilte fish?
Now, how do you
account for that?
Mice.
Now you've hit it. Let's go
tell Colonel Korotny.
He'll jump for joy.
Tada: Kobayashi!
Come out, come
out wherever you are
Ah, well, we're
wasting our time.
I still say there's no
such person.
[Typewriter keys clicking]
Did you write these
letters, Tada?
I can't even read them. How
am I supposed to censor them?
You don't have to censor me.
I'm a good U.S. citizen.
I realize that, but I'm supposed
to know what goes in your mail.
What are you doing there?
I'm teaching the chicken
to typewrite.
See? He's getting very good.
Yeah. When he has
his second lesson,
get him to write
your letters for you.
I might understand
them better.
[Telephone rings]
Intelligence here.
Oh, good morning, commander.
Hammerslag.
[Mouthing words]
No, he isn't here
right now, sir.
He's up in the hills
hunting Kobayashi.
Well, that's what I was calling
you about.
You know what he stole
last night?
12 cans of talcum powder,
40 pounds of dried milk,
one case of Pepsi,
one gross of safety pins,
3 cases of canned corn.
Now, what do you make of that?
I don't know, sir.
Maybe he's opening
up his own supermarket.
Ohh!
[Telephone squeals]
Ah, they're
like a crossword puzzle.
Here, read them to me.
Sure.
Excuse me, Joe. I'm busy now.
[Hen screeching, clucking]
[Typewriter keys clicking]
First letter is to Rose Rico.
That's my girl in Honolulu.
"Dear Rose.
Well, your letter finally
reach me, though."
What was that?
"Your letter finally
reach me, though."
Something wrong?
No, no, no, no. Go ahead.
"Well, here
we are in the Pacific Ocean,
"and, boy, is it hot, though.
And something hot make me
think of you. (Ha ha!)"
The "ha ha!"...
That's in parenthesis.
Yeah. Keep going.
"Hey, Rose, you
are ok, though.
"Say, remember the night of may 12,
13, 14, and 15? Especially 15...
"the time we leave the dance
and go to the pineapple field.
"That was all right,
though, hey? Good-bye.
Your friend, Roy Tada."
Letter ok, lieutenant?
Ah, sheer poetry.
That's great.
Let's hear another one.
"Dear Judy."
That's my other girl.
"Well, your letter finally
reach me, though.
"Well, here
we are in the Pacific Ocean,
"and, boy, is it hot, though.
And something hot make me
think of you. (Ha ha!)"
Uh, that's the same letter.
No, no.
This one is to Judy.
Oh, you wrote the same letter
to Judy that you wrote to Rose.
That's right. Only I don't
mention the pineapple field.
What do you mention?
On the stairs
behind the kitchen.
Yeah. Next letter.
"Dear Dorothy.
"Well, your letter finally
reach me, though.
Well, here we are in the Pacific
Ocean..."
yeah, I get the idea.
How many girls you got, Tada?
Right now, only 12.
[Telephone rings]
Intelligence here.
[Man on telephone]
Let me speak to Wye.
Oh, yes, sir. One moment, sir.
Korotny.
Wye here, sir.
What are you doing
about Kobayashi?
Well, sir, I...
just to bring you
up to date, lieutenant,
he paid me a visit last night.
Last night, sir?
I am now missing 6
pairs of shorts,
4 bottles of hydrogen peroxide,
and all of my razor blades.
What would he want
with peroxide, sir?
He probably cut
himself shaving,
which is more than I could
say for myself!
Now get the lead
out, lieutenant!
Wye: Tell them that any civilian prisoner
who gives us information on Kobayashi
will receive special
privileges.
[Speaking Japanese]
Tell them they won't have
to work in the fields.
[Speaking Japanese]
Tell them... They can come
to the camp movies on Friday.
[Speaking Japanese]
All right, knock it off.
[Speaking Japanese]
That's the last
batch, lieutenant.
Been that way all along.
You know, the only thing we know
about Kobayashi is his name,
and that he travel
around with a girl Michido.
A girl?
You mean the holdouts
have girls in the hills?
Kobayashi have.
[Speaking Japanese]
What was that all about?
Not much.
Uh, she say, uh, you
never capture Kobayashi.
Ah, she said more than that.
Yes, but no translation.
Come on, come on, let me
have it. What did she say?
She say, "the Lieutenant
is the rear end of a horse."
She may know something.
Sure, they all know
something, but...
but they don't talk.
With themselves,
maybe, but not to us.
Yeah. Hey!
You know what we need
in this camp?
A spy.
Oh, you'll never get
one of them to be a spy.
Uh-uh. I'm not thinking
about one of them.
I'm thinking about one of us.
Wye: Now, let's go
over this again, Tada.
You're supposed to be
a Japanese soldier
who's been holed up in the mountains
for 9 months, right?
Good.
You fooled the Americans
into thinking you're a civilian,
and we dumped you
in Camp Rotohan.
Now, right away they're going
to start asking questions.
What's your name, where do you come from,
and so forth. Now, what do you say?
I don't want to do it.
We're not giving you a choice,
Tada. You've got to do it.
Believe me, lieutenant,
I make a lousy spy.
You make a wonderful spy!
You keep out of this!
Sit down!
You such a big shot?
You be the spy!
They know my face in that camp.
You Buddha-head!
Who's a Buddha-head?!
Oh, quiet. Quiet.
I got a bad feeling
about this.
Look, you know Tada's reputation
with the women.
You going to send him
down there with all that
Japanese quail running
around loose?
Well, he's the only man
they've never seen before.
Ok, but it will be like enrolling
Casanova in a girls finishing school.
All right, let's start again.
First question,
what's your name?
Roy Aloysius Tada.
No, no, no. Not your real
name, your spy name.
Oh, that one. Taiji Yamakawa.
What a lousy name.
What part of Japan
do you come from?
I'll say Hokkaido... that where
my grandfather come from.
Ok, from now on, your folks still
live in Hokkaido. Understand?
Now, what town?
No town. They live
in the country.
Fine. What do they do
in the country?
I guess they are farmers.
Don't guess!
Ok, they are farmers!
Rich farmers?
Poor farmers. No money.
All we eat is what we grow.
Ok.
Now, careful, now: What
do your folks grow?
Pineapples?
Not pineapples, Buddha-head.
No pineapples in Japan.
Tada, it's daikon, vegetables!
Ok! Don't hit!
Hey, that reminds me.
When you were holed up in the hills,
what did you live on?
Mmm... Denden mushi.
Denden mushi... fine.
How did you cook them?
I ate them raw.
Attaboy! Where did
you find them?
I don't know. I don't
even know what they are.
Buddha-head, they're
giant snails.
And I ate them raw?!
[Groaning loudly]
Now stop that! Stop it!
I don't eat no giant snails.
Not even cooked.
Now look, nobody's asking
you to eat snails.
Just say you ate
them, that's all.
If I say I ate them,
they may give me some.
Will you cut that out?
[Groaning loudly]
I quit, lieutenant! I quit
this lousy spy business!
[Telephone rings]
[Both speaking at once]
Hold it!
Yes, commander.
You have? Yes, sir,
we'll be right over.
Commander Hammerslag has
just captured Kobayashi!
Yay! Hey!
Then I don't have to be a spy?
No lousy snails?
Oh, boy! Don't hit! Don't hit!
Tada!
Wye: Where's Kobayashi, sir?
Is he here?
Kobayashi, did you say?
Just who is this Kobayashi?
Here you are, lieutenant.
Try that on for size.
Thank you, sir. Sir, you
said you'd caught him.
So I did. I haven't exactly
clamped the leg
irons on him yet,
but I will, and soon.
Right, Buckles?
Oh, aye, aye, sir.
Can I, uh, twist your arm?
You think you could
spare a drop, sir?
Help yourself, and give
some to the young fella there.
Oh, thank you, sir. Very kind.
To the sinking of Kobayashi,
as sharp an enemy
as any man would want,
in war or peace.
Ah!
Sir, if you haven't got him,
just what have you got?
I have a clue, ha ha!
The key to the mystery.
Here you are.
Take a bearing on that.
What is it?
That is a can of corn,
my boy, a can of Iowa corn.
That make sense to you?
I see a puzzled look
in his eye, right, Buckles?
Buckles, chuckling:
Aye, aye, sir.
Wait, sir. Is that one of the cans
of corn that was stolen by Kobayashi?
Now, now you're with it.
You see, we found that can
of corn on one of the natives.
All we have to do is ask the native
who had that can of corn
who gave him that can of corn,
and we have the man who stole
that can of corn, right?
Oh, very clear thinking, sir.
Ah, sir... call me Jerry.
My wife calls me jer.
All right, men?
Down the hatch, hmm?
Buckles?
Aye, aye, sir.
Now, the native seems
willing to talk,
but, of course, we don't
savvy the lingo.
That's going to be
your job, young fella.
Aye, aye, sir.
Gentlemen, here's the man who's going
to lead us to Kobayashi.
Tell him to sit
down over there.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking Japanese]
Never mind that. Ask him where
he got this can of corn. Corn.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking foreign language]
What did he say?
What did he say?
I don't know.
What do you mean,
you don't know?
You speak Japanese, don't you?
Aye, aye, sir, but this man
doesn't speak Japanese.
I think he speaks Charano.
What's "Charano"?
It's one of the native
dialects.
Oh. Well, what we need
is someone who speaks Charano.
Buckles, you and the fellow
round up someone that speaks, uh, Charano.
Aye, aye, sir.
Merry Christmas.
All right, let's see if I...
if I understand this. Get this straight.
Now, the stout fellow here
speaks Charano, right?
Yeah, he speaks
Charano and Japanese.
Good, good.
But, he don't
speak no English.
We can handle English,
right, Merle?
You said it, Jerry boy!
You ask him to ask him where
he got that can of corn.
Aye, aye, sir.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking Charano]
[Speaking foreign language]
Uh, what did he say?
[Speaking Japanese]
What did he say?
What did he say?
He say the old man
don't speak Charano.
He speaks Caroline island.
Him, he don't speak
Caroline island.
Well tell him he's got
to speak Carolina island!
Tell him it's imperative
to speak Carolina island!
Well, if he don't speak
it, he don't speak it!
Can't just send him to school.
How do you like that, Buckles?
[Slurring] I don't
like it at all.
What's your suggestion?
The obvious solution.
This guy here don't
speak Charano,
and this guy here don't
speak Carolinian,
we got to get a guy in here
who speaks Carolinian.
Q.E.D.
Buckles, get on your horse.
Buckles!
What do you want?
I want you to go out and dig
up a man that speaks Carolinian.
Where am I going to find a man
who speaks Carolinimum
this time of night?
I didn't ask you where
you're going to find him,
I said go find him!
That's an order!
All right, all right.
I'm going.
Fresh kid.
Never should have
offered him liquor.
Right.
What took you so long?
You've been gone
almost an hour.
So what about it?
You think men who speak
Caroninimum grow on trees?
You think men who speak
Carolim grow on trees, sir!
Sir.
Now let me get this
straight, Merle.
I tell your man Tada here
what I want to know,
and he asks fatty,
who asks the new man,
and the new man asks
the man on the cot.
Am I right?
Ah!
That's the ticket, Jeremiah.
You ask him, to tell him,
to ask him where he got
that can of corn.
Aye, aye, sir.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking Charano]
[Speaking Carolinian]
[Speaking Carolinian]
W-w-what'd he say?
[New man speaking Charano]
What'd he say?
[Speaking Japanese]
What'd he say? What'd he say?
He say he's been here
for long time.
Can he go to the men's room?
Hey, lieutenant. No, don't.
Wake... don't!
Ooh.
How you feel, lieutenant?
You got a hung-over?
[Whispering] Oh, I feel great.
It's just my head
keeps falling off.
Oh, Tada. How can you do that?
Whiskey don't have
no effect on me.
All it do is make me smart.
I know where the old
man get can of corn.
You do? Where?
Sure! He get it...
shh, shh, shh!
Oh, no, they couldn't
have stolen it.
Are you sure
that's where he got it?
He told me.
Well, we'll soon find out.
Come on.
Hey, thanks very much.
This is the place, lieutenant.
Nice work, Tada.
Aye, aye, sir.
Good morning, sister.
Good morning. I was told
you wanted to see me.
Sister, got a problem.
A very important problem...
And I came in the hopes
that maybe you could help me.
I will try.
How long have you
been an alcoholic, my son?
[Chuckles]
No wait, it...
This is only temporary,
believe me.
I will pray for you.
Sister, ahem. What
I came about...
Did you give an old
man a can of corn?
[Chuckles] The old Carolinian.
Yes, of course.
You certainly haven't
taken it away from him?
Oh, no, no, no, no.
He can have it.
What we want to know
is where...
where did you get the can
of corn in the first place?
It was given to me,
by a Japanese.
What Japanese? When?
Excuse me.
One night last week,
he rapped on my window.
It... it was quite late.
He asked me to do
a favor for him.
The corn he gave
me as a present.
Had you ever met
this man before?
No.
Would you say that he looked
like a soldier?
I don't know
what he looked like.
It was quite dark outside,
and he was in the shadow.
That is all the information
I can give you.
One more thing, sister.
The favor he asked
of you: What was it?
Like most Japanese, he had rather
a confused idea of our duties.
He wanted to get married and asked
if I would perform the ceremony.
I hope I've helped
you, young man.
Well, at least I'm
back where I started.
[Chuckles]
Thank you very,
very much, sister.
You're welcome, and...
Believe me young man,
whatever the trouble is,
alcohol is not the solution.
Oh, sister, honestly
drinking has nothing to do
with this, believe me.
Who is that unfortunate man?
Well, you may find this
hard to believe, sister,
but that unfortunate man
is a United States spy.
[Gasps]
Come on, spy.
Fill me in on this set-up.
Well, sir, our spy sneaks
down to that field.
On cue, he'll surrender to you in full
view of the Japanese civilians.
Uh-huh. That will make
it look authentic
so they won't be suspicious when
we put him in the compound.
You think it'll work?
Well, it better.
You have your spy all briefed?
Yes, sir.
This is a spy?
All right, get going and see
how many follow-ups you can manage.
All right, Tada.
Scramble down to that field.
Do I got to be captured
by those guys?
Somebody maybe get
trigger-happy
and put a bullet through me.
There won't be a shot fired in the whole
operation, I promise... not a shot.
Certainly not. You got
any last questions?
What you mean,
"last questions?"
Nothing! He didn't
mean anything by it.
Now go on, get crawling.
Lieutenant, when this
is over, if I'm dead,
I hold you personally
responsible.
Everyone, over here.
[Speaking Japanese]
We believe a Japanese soldier
is hiding in this field.
[Speaking Japanese]
If you have been helping him in any way,
this is a very serious offense.
[Speaking Japanese]
Have any of you seen a Japanese
soldier in this field?
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking Japanese]
[Stammers]
What's going on here?
What's she talking about?
No translation.
Wye: I'd say offhand, sir, it
was some sort of a compliment.
You'd say offhand, lieutenant?
Y'think offhand.
I don't know why
I listen to you.
I must be some kind of a nut.
[Speaking Japanese]
Japanese soldier:
American soldiers
are reconnoitering this field.
You have fought well.
Surrender is no disgrace.
[Speaking Japanese]
Come out with your hands
over your head.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking Japanese]
Hey, that's not Tada!
No. Hey, we got
ourselves a dividend.
[Speaking Japanese]
[Speaking Japanese]
Hey, looks like we hit
the jackpot.
[Yomura speaking
Japanese on bullhorn]
Hey... 2 real prisoners.
How authentic can you get?
All right, bring them in.
[Truck horn blowing,
motor approaching]
Nurses!
Females Americanus.
Blue?
I can't believe it.
Hey!
Hey! That looks
like Merle Wye!
What's going on?
Driver, can you stop a minute?
All right, knock it off!
Come on, you men,
bring them in.
Soldier: Hey! Hey,
one of them's escaped!
It's Tada! Tada's gone!
Tada? Why would he want
to escape?
I was about to ask that question
myself, gentlemen,
before I court-martial
both of you.
Sir, I... just
tell me one thing!
Who's on their side,
who's on ours?
Where is that guy?
Hey... Look.
[Both speaking Japanese]
[Tada speaking
Japanese, muffled]
Tada: Ow!
[Woman shouting in Japanese]
Just what do you think
you're doing, Tada?
What I'm doing?
What you doing?
I'm trying to surrender when this
wahine run up and knock me down!
Didn't nobody see me?
Don't nobody care
what happen to me, though?
I could have suffocate!
Ok, ok, you're doing fine. You
got one leg in a bronze star.
Now, just... just keep going.
Bronze star?!
[Speaking Japanese]
What did you say, Tada?
No translation.
Blue: Hey, Merle! Hey!
Don't open your mouth.
Act captured.
Oh, hiya, Blue. What
are you doing here?
The new hospital.
What's all the excitement?
Oh, nothing much. Just rounding
up a few Japanese soldiers.
For heaven's sake. Out there.
Is that one of them?
Ah, it's... One
of our little boys, yeah.
I've never seen
an enemy before.
Did you have much
trouble with him?
Ah, a little, but, uh,
trouble's our business down here.
Boy, you never know
what they're thinking, do you?
Uh, sometime, yeah,
and I don't like it so good.
Look at him. I get the idea
he knows everything I'm saying.
I guess I owe you
an apology...
For what I said
that night in Honolulu.
Ah, it's ok.
I certainly wouldn't call this
relieving a soldier for combat duty.
Well, I figure it's good
to have a job of war,
long as there's one going on.
Woman: Come on, girl!
Let's go! Back in the truck!
Blue!
Listen, Merle, call me.
Real soon.
Sure. If I find time.
Oh! They're having a welcome party
for us tonight at the hospital.
Will you come?
Could be.
Try, please. Good-bye, Merle.
Hey, this deal's working
out pretty good, huh?
Not bad.
Not bad, not bad.
You get a girl, I get
stuck in jail.
Fine deal.
[Swing music playing]
See anything
in my age bracket?
You got something
in your sights?
Hey, females americanus.
Middle ageus.
Good hunting, old man.
[All laughing]
Hiya, Blue.
Oh! Hello, Merle. How nice.
I'm sure you know
Colonel Korotny.
Yes. We're old buddies.
Why don't you drive through my office
sometime and see me?
May talk to you
for a minute, sir?
Oh, yes, yes. Excuse me?
Sure.
Shall we?
Sorry. I've promised this
one to Colonel Korotny.
For this dance,
I am outranked.
Uh-huh. You're also
outranked for the next 12.
Blue, I was under the impression
that we had a date tonight.
Well, maybe you should
have called me.
I couldn't, I...
we went out there again.
You mean battling those poor,
helpless, little Japanese soldiers,
who roam about the hills
without food or guns?
How terribly exciting.
Tell me:
Did you suffer any casualties?
Yeah... tripped over a rock.
Mm-hmm. You haven't
changed a bit, have you?
Merle, why do you
do these things?
How can you be such a fake?
Oh, it's not hard.
I've been practicing.
All right.
If you want to stick around, I'll see
what I can do about a dance.
Shall we?
Ok.
[Music ends]
Boy, I'm sure getting
the breaks these days.
Every time I turn around,
I run my face into a wall.
Sorry, Merle.
Well, anyway, I can
walk you home.
Ah-ah. You just
hit another wall.
Oh, no.
I promised someone else.
Blue, listen.
Ever since I landed
on this rock,
I've been thinking about you.
Now, I don't know who this joker
is, but get rid of him, huh?
You don't have to be nasty,
but just give him the brush.
"Good night, sir."
That's all you say.
Don't ask him, just tell
him: "Good night, sir."
You tell him.
Good night, sir.
Let's make a note to get
these buildings painted.
Right you are, lieutenant.
There he is.
You got any dope for us?
How are things going?
Not too bad, except the fella
in the next room to me
snore all night long,
and I don't get
hardly any sleep.
The walls are here, very thin.
The cooking taste funny.
And the plumbing ain't
no good at all.
You're not down here to conduct
a housing survey, you know.
You're a spy.
I been spying. Every
day I'm spying.
All right. What
have you learned?
See that girl over there?
Yeah, the one who knocked
you down? What about her?
I think she likes me.
Oh, for the love of...
I warned you... I told you.
Tada, if you've been making
time with that little pigeon
instead of working, I'll have
your tail in a sling.
Akiko is very important girl.
She knows many things.
Yeah, especially
what you've been teaching her.
I don't teach her.
She teach me.
I got to go now.
Tonight, she going
to make me dinner.
And I'm going to learn
plenty tonight.
Good-bye, now.
As I predicted.
You send a spy to a girls
finishing school, and...
I think he's finished.
[Speaking Japanese]
Why don't we speak English?
Ok. Anything you want.
All the same to...
you... you speak English?
Yes. Many Japanese do.
But... How you know I do?
Many Americans speak
Japanese also.
To be spy, is required
to speak both.
Akiko, if people
here know I'm spy,
my life not worth a red yen.
Very true.
Eat your rice.
I think I lose appetite.
What you do?
You tell others?
Drink your sake.
[Gulps]
Thought we'd take
a drive in the hills.
Terrific view. We can
see the whole island.
Hey, a tropical picnic.
That's a pretty cute idea.
Aw, what time you due back?
6:00.
4 hours!
Hey, on past performances,
that's a lifetime.
Hold it! Hold it!
Sorry, boy, the picnic's over.
I'm just getting started.
We've got to interrogate
a prisoner.
Japanese holdout just
walked into camp
and surrendered.
I don't give a hoot if Tojo
just walked in and surrendered.
The prisoner happens to be
Kobayashi's girlfriend.
Do you give a hoot now?
Now, let's get going.
[Speaking Japanese]
I don't get no place.
All she admits,
she's Kobayashi's friend Michido.
Try her again.
Find out if Kobayashi's been stealing food
for her.
[Speaking Japanese]
Oh, sure he has.
Get a load
of the figure on her.
She's been guzzling gefilte
fish by the bucketful.
Yeah, for a holdout,
she is sort of dumpy.
He really had to work to put
all that lard on her.
What a pair of goofs you are!
Don't you know anything?
This girl's going
to have a baby.
You mean, it isn't
all gefilte fish?
Ask if she's going
to have a baby.
Michido...
[Clears throat]
[Speaking Japanese]
That's why Kobayashi
wanted to marry her.
He wanted to give
the child a name.
Sam Kobayashi.
That's a favor?
Don't joke about it.
That fancy food
he was stealing...
it makes sense now.
It was for her.
Sure. Hey, who else
but a kid in a mess
would mix gefilte
fish and salami?
Ask her
if Kobayashi still
wants to get hitched.
Tell her I'll be the best man.
No. No more
questions, Merle...
Blue, we've got to.
Just a couple.
Not in her condition.
Her condition?
She's been bouncing around
these mountains
like a gazelle.
If I was in her condition,
I'd try out for the Yankees.
Nevertheless, this girl is going
to the hospital, and now.
Call a field ambulance.
Would you mind letting
us give the orders?
Don't argue with me.
Just do it!
Lieutenant, you're monkeying
with intelligence.
I'm glad you told me.
I'd never have guessed.
Now, wait a minute. Now...
[crying]
Now look what you've done!
As if she wasn't
scared enough already.
Hey, it's all right.
Everything's going
to be just fine.
Hey, lots of girls
have babies...
Japanese girls,
American girls,
and it always turns
out all right.
So, don't you worry, hear?
Because we're going to take
real good care of you,
and your baby is going
to be just beautiful.
Blue...
She doesn't understand
a word you're saying.
Arigato gozaimasu.
She doesn't, huh?
Merle: Get me
an ambulance, please.
Oh, Merle. This is beautiful.
There's a ledge around here.
Just the spot.
Mmm, good.
Mmm.
How about another sandwich?
Uh-uh.
There's more beer left.
We better get started.
It's getting late.
There's no rush.
Is it really ok for us
to be so far from camp?
It's ok with me.
At least up here,
I don't have to compete
with colonels!
[Echo] Compete with colonels!
Just the same,
what time is it?
Oh, who cares, Blue?
Merle, did you hurt yourself?
Nah.
I got a strange impression
that you're trying to avoid me.
Maybe.
Yes.
Yeah, well, you didn't try
this hard back in Honolulu.
Merle, I'm glad you
brought that up.
That night in your place,
if I gave you the idea
that, well...
if I misled you in any way,
it was very thoughtless
of me, even cruel,
and I want
to apologize for it.
Oh, listen, Blue. If there
was any misleading...
as I've told you before,
I think you're very sweet,
in spite
of a few basic faults.
I've always enjoyed
your company,
and I want us
to remain friends.
More than friends.
Like... like, well,
like brother and sister.
I... I think it's best
to be honest.
Not only honest,
you're insulting.
I'm sorry. I don't mean to be.
Oh, that's all right.
Well, anyway, I know
where I stand.
So long, sis.
Merle.
Merle, what are we doing?
I don't know. Let's find out.
Shame on you.
Now I'm really confused.
Will you please tell
me what happened?
Nothing happened,
and nothing's going to happen,
you... you bluebeard, you!
Bluebeard! Me?
Hey, listen!
Hey, Blue, you can't walk.
That's 5 Miles.
Oh, for the love of...
Ohh! Uhh!
Every day I get it...
inquiries from Ocean Command.
What's the delay
on the Kobayashi matter?
Why haven't you
captured Kobayashi?
Well, why haven't you?
General, I...
you call yourself a colonel.
You get me some action
on this thing,
or you'll be answering
to second lieutenant!
Sir, if you'd let
me explain...
never mind the excuses!
I've had enough excuses.
Do something!
Yes, sir. I will!
You call yourself
an intelligence officer.
From all the intelligence
you've given us,
Kobayashi could be building
a flattop back in those hills!
Oh, but...
I'm not surprised.
I had a premonition about you
the day you came through that wall.
However, you don't
seem worried.
In fact, you seem quite content
to remain on this island,
possibly due to the presence
of a well-stacked
lady lieutenant.
Well, I'm going to fix
that wagon, but good!
Oh, but, colonel...
if you haven't laid your hands
on Kobayashi by Sunday next,
I'm going to have you transferred
to Molobussy Rock. Ever hear of it?
No, sir.
Nobody has!
Except the 6 people
stationed there. All men!
Heh heh. You read me clearly?
I read... out!
Sir.
What do you think you're
doing, sergeant? Get to work!
Me? I was just...
what, are you planted there
or something? Look alive!
What did I do?
All I did, I was just...
you're supposed
to be sweeping!
Well, sweep!
This is a battlefront,
not Waikiki Beach!
Swing that broom,
you Buddha-head!
What are you looking at?
Get moving!
[Barking]
See anything?
Boy, there's not
a sign of him.
He's got to be here someplace.
Sure, even if they planted
him underground.
Don't.
If anything happens
to that kid, I'll hang myself.
[Man and woman laughing]
[Speaking Japanese]
Ohh! Whoo! Whoo!
[Speaking Japanese]
Psst, Tada. Come here.
Hi there, lieutenant.
What's a good word?
Get over here.
Sure.
And we were worried
about this guy.
What do you think
you're doing?
I was having my bath.
Akiko treating me real good.
Yeah, you're really having a ball
for yourself down here, aren't you?
I get by.
Yeah.
Well, look, Naki-Pu,
if you want to stay in this
oriental paradise,
you better dig
up some information, and fast.
I got information.
Very important.
The people down here say now,
it's a very good
thing for them
that American army
occupy this island.
So, Sunday night, they are going
to give a big entertainment
in honor of army brass,
and me... I'm going
to be in the show!
Now, that's what I call
hot news.
Yeah, we may give you the bronze
star, right in the teeth.
Wait! I got more.
You know who's going
to be here that night?
Kobayashi hisself!
How do you know?
What you mean, how I know?
I'm a spy, ain't I?
Akiko told me.
And something else, too.
Akiko going to point
him out to us.
What do you mean?
She's going to turn him in?
Sure. Akiko on our side now.
I been indoctrinating her.
I'll bet you have.
No fooling.
I tell her, it's better
Kobayashi gets captured.
Then, he don't get hurt.
[Cups rattling]
Excuse me. It's time
for my tea.
Those men,
what they want?
You knew they were here?
I am listening
behind the screen.
Oh, sure. It was nothing much.
Just some spy talk.
Ne, what does it mean,
"indocrinating"?
Indoctrinating?
That is very important.
It means... Like this.
I think perhaps
I like "indocrinating."
This is the greatest
failure in the spy racket
since Mata Hari
blew it in 1918.
Now, you remember if there's anything
you need, you or him,
you be sure and call
me at the hospital.
Understand? Hospital?
Ok, good-bye.
Blue, please.
I'm sorry about what happened,
and if you just try to forget,
I promise I'll never
lose my head again,
even if you lose yours first.
Brief me, lieutenant.
I lost my head when?
Well, that day
up on the cliff, you know.
I did no such thing.
Well, I still got black-and-blue
marks to prove it.
Where?
Well, let's not get technical.
Now, you look here,
Lieutenant Wye,
if you think you're going
to blame me for...
ok, ok, ok!
I'm the one.
It's me. I'm a beast!
And do you know why?
Because I'm out of my crazy
head about you,
that's why. Is that a crime?
[Crowd laughing]
Whoa!
Hey!
It's me... Roy Tada.
I'm wearing a mask.
Are you sure?
Maybe you're very, very sick.
Ha ha ha! What's the plan?
When Kobayashi comes,
Akiko going to point
him out to me.
Then I scratch my head
like this. See?
Then, you move in for capture.
Well, what time
will he get here?
Sometime during the show.
But Japanese show
sometime go all night.
Well, lots of luck.
Psst.
Merle: Good evening, sir.
Time is running
out, lieutenant.
But, of course, I don't
have to remind you.
Are you packed yet?
I see you're wearing a side
arm, which in your case,
can only mean that you're
planning to shoot yourself.
It's not a bad notion.
[Gong sounds]
Greetings to American army.
We are invite you here
tonight with great honor.
To instigate the festivity,
we present now 3 so beautiful
Japanese dancing girls.
Hey, I haven't seen
any dancing girls
since I left the states.
[Applause]
For your next pleasurable
entertaining,
we present, for your approval,
exhibition of an ancient
Japanese fencing match.
Here comes our spy.
[Yelling]
[Laughing]
Ohh.
There goes our spy.
He may need medical attention.
Is he coming around?
I don't know.
We may have to take
him to the hospital.
Oh, he'll be all right.
Just throw some water
in his face.
Rub his wrists,
rub his wrists.
Oh, sure. Water in the face.
Where did you get
your medical degree, doctor?
Blue, please. We've got
to get this man on his feet.
We need him.
What are you talking about?
I can't explain now,
but he's an American.
He doesn't look
like an American.
Well, I can't help
what he looks like.
He happens to be
an American spy.
Hey, here he is. [Groaning]
Here he is.
Hi, lieutenant. How
you like my act?
Your act was fine.
How's your head?
I think I got bumped.
Not bad though, eh?
Just a small one.
Yeah, feels like a basketball.
I'll be ok, though.
Good boy, Tada.
I'm going to see
that you get the purple
heart for this.
Yeah, sure.
I'm going to be all covered
up with medals.
All I got to do is live
long enough, though.
So, that's what a spy
looks like.
I always wondered.
He's going to help us
capture Kobayashi tonight.
He is? Maybe you're the one
that needs water in the face.
Psst! Psst!
Psst!
[Applause]
It gives me great pleasure
to introduce to you Akiko Tanikawa,
the sweetheart of Rotohan
Detention Camp.
[Singing in Japanese]
I like a gershwin tune
[Speaking Japanese]
I like a fireside
When a storm is due
[Speaking Japanese]
How about you?
I like to read good books
Can't get my fill
But all the soldiers' looks
They give me a thrill
Holding hands
in a movie show
When all the lights are low
May not be new, but
I like it
I like it
I like it
How about
[Speaking Japanese]
You?
[Applause]
For another big attraction
of the evening,
we presenting now
the butterfly man,
the great Japanese
artist of tightrope.
[Audience gasps]
[Applause]
Psst!
That guy's Kobayashi?
Tada must have
ripped his buttons.
I'd like to rip his buttons.
Wait till I get
my hands on him.
Must have been that hit
on the head.
Look at him, will you?
He's gone goofy.
Let's go humor him.
[Applause]
And now, to so fine audience,
and to someone very
special to me,
I will perform a trick
as never performed before...
a back leap on the wire.
You ask him.
I feel like a dope.
Excuse me, sir.
We'd like to talk to you
about a man named Kobayashi.
Hey, I think it's him!
Kobayashi! Stop that man!
Stop that man!
Stop or I'll shoot!
Hey, look out with that thing.
I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.
You mean, the man who escaped
was actually Kobayashi?
Sir...
not a soldier,
but a circus performer.
Michido said he come here
to entertain the Japanese troops.
That's how she meet him.
Not even a soldier, and you let
him slip through your fingers.
You're a sad case, lieutenant.
You must really work hard
at being that stupid.
I'm truly sorry for you.
However, I have an open mind,
and if you have anything
to say in your defense,
say it quickly
before it closes,
and before you catch
that plane tomorrow.
Nothing to say, sir.
Excuse me.
Merle.
Where are you going?
Molobussy Rock,
if I can locate it.
I'm sorry, really I am.
Will you write to me?
Sure.
Sure. There's probably a mail
boat once every 6 months or so.
Yeah, we'll keep
in very close touch.
So long, Blue.
Merle, wait.
Drive me back to the hospital?
The long way.
Let's sit a while, shall we?
Sure you want to?
It's sort of damp.
I'll get you something.
Merle!
[Echo] Merle!
Coming!
Blue?
Blue!
Where are you?
[Echo] Where are you?
Blue!
[Echo] Blue! Uhh!
Blue, are you down there?
[Echo] Down there?
Blue?
Merle! Look out!
All right, Kobayashi.
It's all over now.
Now, just relax
and come along quietly.
Well, there's nothing
to be afraid of.
No harm will come
to you, I promise.
Don't make me use force.
I don't want to use force,
but if I have to... I will!
I mean it, Kobayashi.
I'm a bigger man than you,
and I don't want
to take advantage,
so you better think twice.
'Cause you could get
hurt this way, really.
You could get hurt... uhh!
Aah! Unh. Real bad.
Merle, are you all right?
So, you won't listen, uh?
So, you want to play rough.
Shouldn't have done that...
'Cause you're cornered.
You're trapped,
and there's nothing you
can do about it! Ohh!
Use your head.
Give up now
while there's still time.
Merle, who's winning?
Aah!
Surrender is no disgrace.
You will be treated
not as a thief,
but as a warrior
with respect and honor.
And besides, you'll see
Michido again and your son.
And you'd like to see
your son again, wouldn't you?
And do that funny
trick for him.
Why, of course you would.
[Grunts]
Do not be afraid
of losing face.
Uh!
You see, I didn't want
to do that to him.
I didn't want to do it.
Don't worry, you didn't.
[Applause]
Good boy.
[Applause]
Wye, voice-over: That's how I won
my second purple heart,
and along with it,
Lieutenant Molly Blue.
Horizontal Lieutenant
Hup, 2, 3, 4
Horizontal Lieutenant
Hup, 2, 3, 4