All right, baby girl, you ready
for your first day at work with Daddy?
- Daddy, go fast!
- Okay!
- Happy Halloween!
- Happy Halloween to you, too...
...Officer Cooper.
Yes!
Where'd that scumbag come from?
We're gonna have to move quick.
bomb threat.
bomb threat.
shooting.
shooting.
He doesn't smell like Santa.
You're so pretty.
Thanks, baby, you are too.
- Thanks, Daddy.
- Have fun.
I'll have her back by 10:00.
8:30? 8:00.
I'll have her back by 8:00.
All units respond to a 10-15.
Copy that. Noise disturbance.
Freeze! Police!
My God!
Police officer coming through!
Get out of the way! Move your vehicle!
Get back in your car, sir!
Get back in your vehicle.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Aah! I can explain.
I know it's not cool
to leave in the middle of a...
Date. It was a first date.
And, honestly, I expected more
out of a guy I met on Christian Mingle.
It's just that... Don't take this the
wrong way... you're kind of intense.
Intense? Intense how?
When I said I had to leave early,
you pulled your gun out on the table.
No, no. I was doing a thing like:
"Don't you walk away
until I get a second date."
- It was supposed to be funny.
- It really wasn't.
I was just chasing you
because you forgot your wallet.
Okay. Thanks.
- I'm gonna walk back to my car now.
- All right.
- Bye!
- Bye.
Hey. You forgot to pay your bill.
Dang it!
I really thought this one
was gonna work out.
News out of Texas: A huge break...
...in the case against notorious
cartel leader Vicente Cortez.
Sources say a cartel insider...
...is prepared to testify
against the violent crime lord.
I will be out in a few hours.
I will never miss my daughter's birthday.
Cortez is suspected
of more than 100 murders...
...while dominating the U.S. drug trade.
Law enforcement officials
have called him "untouchable" until now.
Since when is it illegal to dance naked...
- ...on my own street?
- Shut up!
- Hey, Coop.
- No. Hold on.
- I don't have time for this.
- Wait a second. Slow down.
My legs are shorter than yours.
Detective Hauser, come back.
You know protocol.
All evidence has to be submitted
in a proper-size Nolan envelope.
This is dangerous and could hurt someone.
You encounter a lot of danger here, Coop?
As a matter of fact, I do.
The other day they brought in a duffle bag.
I opened it, there was a live raccoon
in there. It could've had rabies.
Or it could've had worse.
Raccoon herpes.
That's real contagious.
How does it feel?
I imagine a burning sensation
in the little guy's genital region.
Officer Cooper,
report to Captain Emmett's office.
Sorry, boys. I'd like to keep talking
with y'all, but the captain needs me.
Watch your head, detective.
I was gonna say, "How does it feel
being a glorified secretary?"
Cooper, this is Deputy U.S.
Marshal Jackson, in from Dallas.
All due respect, Captain Emmett...
...I know exactly
who Deputy Marshal Jackson is.
- It's an honor to meet you, sir.
- Thank you.
What I'm about to say
cannot leave this room.
- Okay?
- Yes, sir.
Do you know who Felipe Riva is?
Yes. He is the top lieutenant
in the Cortez cartel.
Since 1989, he's responsible for all
their "finances," a.k.a., money laundering.
He is known as The Bank of Bogot,
The Tender Tender...
...The Lender Lender, The Money Launderer,
El Chapo, The Pork Chop, La Chalupa...
Okay. Okay, okay.
Riva and his wife
are gonna testify against Cortez.
But Cortez has killed
every potential witness we've had.
Which is why only the three of us
can know this.
He has people on his payroll everywhere.
Now, tomorrow morning, Deputy Jackson
is gonna escort Riva to Dallas...
...so he can testify
the following morning at 8:00 a.m.
And you...
- ...are gonna go with him.
- Me?
You want me to go to Dallas?
The law requires
a female escort for Mrs. Riva.
Yes, of course. Section 290.
The Richards Rule.
I know you've been wanting
to get off the bench.
- Yes, sir.
- And ever since the shotgun incident...
Whoa, whoa, wait a minute. Hold up.
You're the Cooper?
As in, "He just pulled a Cooper"?
As in, "Don't Cooper that shit"?
I was following protocol, sir.
I found the source of the noise complaint.
- Who's got the keys?
- Hey, I got shotgun!
Drop your weapon!
My gosh!
- Why would you do that?
- Why?
He just wanted to sit in the front seat!
My God! My God! My God!
God.
I'm so sor...
I'm sor...
Actually, I thought you were an urban myth.
You'd never heard someone
calling "shotgun" to sit in the front?
That's a negative, sir.
I've never heard that term used that way.
Look, all you have to do
is take care of Riva's wife.
- Yes.
- Okay?
Keep her calm...
...take her to the little girls' room
if she has any lady business.
Yes. Captain, do we have any idea
if Miss Riva is menopausal?
Yes, because I've been tracking her cycle and
cross-referencing it to the lunar calendar.
- Really? Can I get the chart?
- No!
Get out of here. Go. Just go. Go.
Thank you, deputy.
- Captain Emmett?
- Yes, Cooper.
Not that I'm not grateful
for the opportunity, sir...
...but this seems like a very important
detail for my first day back in the field.
Cooper.
You're cut from the same cloth
as the best cop there ever was.
Thank you, sir.
It's time to make your father proud.
Just try not to get
all in your head about it, okay?
- Captain Emmett, I will not let you down.
- I know you won't, Cooper.
Deputy Jackson, Captain Emmett said
that this transport was at 11 a.m.
At the rate we're going,
we'll get there more than an hour early.
Riva's a flight risk. Showing up early
might keep him from running.
Okay, but we're going
over 30 miles over the speed limit...
- ...which is illegal. And also...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Cooper, Cooper, Cooper.
You are chatty.
Look, the thing is, today
is your lucky day.
Why is that?
You get a chance to get out of the
doghouse, and you with me, sweetie.
All right, so just put your head down...
...turn off the walkie...
...and keep your Taser in your pants.
Okay, chief?
- Copy that.
- Okay.
Try not to fall in love with me.
Okay. Copy that.
Wait, that was a joke.
- Ha-ha-ha.
- Okay.
You are cute. You are cute.
Mrs. Riva.
This is Deputy U.S. Marshal Jackson.
I'm here for you and your husband.
You're early.
- Who's this?
- Mr. Riva, I'm Officer Cooper...
Don't worry about her.
Nobody knows we're here.
She has to be here for your wife.
She ready to go?
I'm not so sure
about this Witness Protection anymore.
And why is that?
Ay, perdona. My wife is a come mierda.
How you say in English?
Shit mouth?
The U.S. Government
has you trafficking on tape.
So you only got two choices:
Either come to Dallas, testify against
Cortez before the grand jury...
...or go to jail for the rest of your life.
- Let me ask about Witness Protection.
- Okay.
If I go to Ohio, can my wife go to...
What is the furthest place from Ohio?
San Diego.
- Definitely San Diego.
- San Diego.
Cooper, go get his wife.
10-80 the witness. Copy that.
Mrs. Riva?
I am announcing my entrance
into your private domicile.
I'm Officer Cooper.
I'm here to escort you to Dallas. Aah!
You must of not seen me.
I saw you.
- Mrs. Riva, I am a police officer.
- Ay, please.
Look at you. You're teeny-tiny. You're
like a little dog I can put in my purse.
I can assure you...
...I meet the minimum height requirement
of an adult female my weight.
Move!
We have got to get going.
Protocol states that you only need
to pack the essentials, ma'am.
You are not gonna need all these shoes.
These are clumsy and impractical.
What shoes are you wearing?
I'm wearing black shoes.
Standard-issue black shoes.
No. Those are men's shoes.
My husband has the same kind.
Congratulation, Officer Lesbian,
you wear the shoes of a coward that I hate.
I realize this might be difficult
for someone like you.
What the hell does that mean?
Just someone who likes a lot of stuff.
So I only care about stuff.
No, Mrs. Riva, I did not mean that.
What I was trying to s...
For example, that's probably something
you could leave at home.
What? This?
I was Miss Plantain, 2004.
My cousin Rosa lost two fingers
trying to snatch this from my head.
I am not going anywhere without this.
You do know the point of Witness Protection
is that you'll have a different identity.
What's taking so long?
Don't make me come up there!
Ay, no.
What are you going to do,
testify me to death?
Would you like me
to neutralize this situation?
Stay here.
You know what to do.
10-30. Damn it!
Hey, get down!
God, this is happening.
Don't Cooper this, Cooper.
Where are you going?
I'm trying to save you.
I try to save me too!
- Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?
Is this a joke?
Does this look like a joke?
- Who sent you?
- Who sent you?
My God!
Cooper!
Get to the car, radio for backup.
- I got your back. Go!
- Okay.
Hurry, let's go!
- Where is she?
- We'll take care of her later.
They're getting away! Come on, let's go!
Watch out! Take the shot!
Get down!
- Your left!
- They're getting away!
No.
Mrs. Riva.
Let's spread out! Search the house!
Mrs. Riva!
Mrs. Riva.
My God. Mrs. Riva.
Are you wounded?
No, you stupid idiot. I'm hiding.
Get out of here, gringa!
I'm gonna commandeer
your personal vehicle.
- What?
- You're in danger, ma'am.
In accordance with Texas State Penal Code,
section 38, I'm commandeering your vehicle.
- Buckle up. This is gonna get fast.
- What?
- Hold on!
- No, no!
Don't worry, ma'am.
I'm gonna get you to safety.
- Hurry up!
- Okay!
You need to calm down, ma'am.
Shut up! Go!
Damn it!
What's going on?
Calm down, ma'am.
Everything's gonna be fine.
What about my husband?
Everything but your husband's
gonna be fine.
I'm sorry to have to tell you this, but...
...he's dead.
- Why?
- Okay.
Try to stay calm.
Why?
Why?
- Why?
- Ma'am!
You're gonna have to put your body
back in the vehicle!
My God.
My God.
Where are you in my time of need?
It's normal to seek comfort in your time,
and to look to God or to Jesus...
...but you're gonna need
to take your hands off my body!
I am a widow!
Listen to me!
Listen!
I have lost my radio,
so you're gonna have to call 911.
And you're gonna have to report
a 10-12 and two 10-60s.
You're requesting a detective.
It's not letting me in.
I think it needs a password.
- Don't do that!
- Right. Right.
Dial 1139.
Then 911.
Then two 10-2...
No! Scratch that!
One 10-12 and two 10-60s.
Get a move on. Come on.
Something bad happened to the phone.
What? What?
No.
Okay.
I gotta find us a phone.
Okay.
Mrs. Riva!
You have to remain in your vehicle
and stay calm.
Me? What kind of pendejo cop are you?
You have to take me home!
You're writing me a ticket?
I am protected by a meter maid.
No, I am recording all pertinent details...
...in my incident report log
before they slip my mind.
Jue madre, this is your first day?
Take me home!
Do not touch my I.R.L.
Now, protocol states
I have to contact my precinct.
Do you have a telephone on you?
Yes!
I packed it...
...with my computer...
...with my floppy disk...
...while running for my life.
- Where are you going?
- I'm getting the hell out of here...
...before Cortez finds me
and sews my face into a soccer ball.
You are in a state of shock
and you're not thinking clearly.
My husband just got murdered...
...and now they're coming to get me.
You have to stay here until backup arrives!
I am a sitting goose out here!
Mrs. Riva! Come back!
I am warning you!
I did not wanna have to do this.
But you're forcing me
to take extreme measures.
It is my mission to protect you.
It is my mission to get you to Dallas
by 8:00 a.m.
And I am gonna complete my mission.
You're small but freaking intense!
I have got to contact my precinct.
Please.
Yes, ma'am.
There were two sets of gunmen.
Each seemed surprised to see each other.
One set Latino, possible cartel.
The other set Caucasian...
...in masks.
You have an officer down
and four unidentified suspects.
- Got it.
- No. Hold that.
There was one identifying mark
on one of the Caucasian men.
He had it on his left wrist.
And I drew a picture of it in my I.R.L.
Notebook. That's a notebook.
And that's my car not a personal vehicle.
"Remain in your personal vehicle."
- I am on the phone with dispatch.
- It's a car. Say, "Car."
- Pipe down.
- It drives me crazy, the way you talk.
It seems to be a Buddha, sitting on a wave.
Or a bottle of barbecue sauce
guarded by two snakes.
Or a snowman, melting in the rain.
Possibly a peanut in a puddle.
It's a cow.
I am talking on the phone.
It's a longhorn.
They considered making it
a state animal...
...but they went for the armadillo instead.
What? The brown lady cannot read a book?
Scratch that.
It seems to be a longhorn.
The tattoo was a longhorn.
Okay, we'll dispatch officers
to bring you in immediately.
Yes, ma'am. We'll sit tight.
Nice. Nice police work,
Mr. Cherlocks Holmes.
Nice. Heh.
Thank God. Here come the cavalry.
Damn, Coop.
You done got thrown in the fire today.
Detective Hauser.
I'm so glad y'all are here.
It was a mess in there.
But I have recorded all the details,
and tried to follow protocol.
He, hey. Coop, we got this.
You're just lucky to be alive.
The good news is...
...local police got shell casings and DNA
back at the compound.
You saved this old lady's life.
"Old lady"? Su madre.
I'm gonna go and assume that means,
"Thanks for saving my life."
And you are welcome, Mrs. Riva.
Why don't y'all hop in the back?
We'll all ride together.
Yes, sir.
Pretty good for a secretary.
Don't worry, Miss Riva.
We'll have you in Dallas in three hours.
It's Hauser.
I called dispatch 20 minutes ago.
If they were leaving from the precinct...
...they must've been driving
180 miles per hour to get here that fast.
Who are you talking to?
They got three quarters a tank of gas.
At a max of 90 miles per hour...
...that means they were 30 miles away,
which means they probably came...
Hauser!
Okay, I gotta go.
Yeah.
Fist bump.
For all that good police work, good buddy.
We have to get out now.
They're gonna kill us both.
- Dixon, let's go.
- What?
They're the gunmen. The guys in the masks.
- Who?
- Just trust me. Follow my lead.
No, ma'am, I do not have
any feminine toiletries on me.
Feminine what?
What's the problem?
Mrs. Riva is having some problems
with some lady business.
Of the tampon variety.
- Seriously?
- Yeah. My comadre is here.
Her comadre is here.
Can't you just hold it?
No, it does not work that way, detective.
It does not.
No, you see, once a month,
my uterus sheds its lining.
It sheds. Once a month.
- So that the eggs...
- And the eggs.
...descend into the puss.
- My God.
- The puss put...
- No, there are fluids...
- God.
- Other fluids go in there.
- Whoa. What is she talking about?
So please take me
to a bathroom right now...
...or the back of this car
is gonna be the second crime scene...
...that you guys
are gonna be cleaning today.
- You don't need to paint a picture.
- You're used to that, no? Heh.
Please, please. Stop.
- Okay, Coop, I'll let you out.
- All right. Let's go.
There's a lining in there?
- We'll be right back.
- Yeah.
Hey, mamacita, where you going?
- Mamacita?
- We have our periods!
You don't wanna know.
There's a window. I'll go first.
You go, go, go.
- Okay, I can't do it.
- Push there with the legs!
- With the legs! With the legs!
- I can't!
Why is your body like that?
- I gotta get a toehold.
- Where's the toehold? I can't find the toehold.
I just need some upper-body strength.
- Push!
- Okay, hold on.
I'm gonna pull my body up,
and push it out the window.
Go, go, go!
Go, go, go! I'm gonna help you.
Go, go, go.
- Put me down.
- No, no!
- What?
- Dixon's out there.
- Why didn't you shoot him?
- I'm not gonna shoot an officer!
They'll be happy to shoot us.
- That gives me an idea.
- What?
- This is gonna be loud.
- What?
Go, go, go! You help us.
Help her! Get her up!
- What was that?
- Dixon, let's go!
Lift me up on two!
- What? On one?
- One! Two! Go!
- No, wait, I mean go on one then two...
- Now?
Shut up! Go up!
I'm going up.
- Okay, do me, do me.
- All right.
Do me!
Aah!
Get up! Help me!
- Do it! Get up and help me.
- Okay.
Out of my way, man.
- Hold up, hold up!
- Get back, Goldilocks!
- Hurry!
- Pull me!
- Come on!
- I'm trying! I have the body of a woman!
Just fall on me like a sack of potatoes!
Hey, out of the way.
Okay. You take the far one.
One, two.
Dixon!
- What are you thinking?
- Legs!
I got it!
- Freeze, Cooper!
- Aah!
You don't... No! No!
What are you doing? Come on!
No! My bag!
- I've been attacked.
- Let's go! Get up!
I've been attacked.
- Wait!
- Come on!
Come on!
Hurry up.
- What is going on?
- I don't know.
- This doesn't make any sense.
- Drive! Stop talking and drive!
Watch it, mister!
I gotta calm down.
How could they?
Why would they?
My God. I just don't understand.
officer in trouble.
shooting in progress.
10-32...
- What are you doing now?
- It's a relaxation technique.
t's working wonderful.
I just don't understand.
I just feel like it doesn't make any sense.
Like, there has to be
some sort of explanation.
Yeah,
the explanation is that they're bad cops.
What is that?
- Ay, no. No.
- No. No, no, no.
No.
Dang it!
Ay, yeah, this is the one
that is always overheating.
It looks like we just need some water
and we'll be good to go.
Do you hear that?
No. What?
Mrs. Riva...
...are you concealing a
communication device in your chestal area?
My chestal what?
My boobs? No.
And I am so tired of those
racist accusations.
You have had a cell phone this entire time!
Unacceptable. Now hand it over!
Fine, I'm gonna come and get it.
I didn't give it to you...
...because everything that you see
you commandeer.
See?
There's a website.
It tracks police scanners.
I just have to hear
what Dixon and Hauser hear...
...so we can get ahead of them.
4921 North Jefferson Road.
Daniella Riva, a Hispanic female,
approximately 40 years old.
Forty!
She was last seen fleeing the scene
in a red 1968 Cadillac convertible.
They think I'm traveling with a fugitive.
The officer is considered
armed and extremely dangerous.
"Officer"? Two officers.
Officer Cooper is described
as 5' tall with blond hair.
What, me?
They think I am traveling with a fugitive.
She killed a U.S. Marshal.
Prepare to shoot on sight.
That is the number one way
we track runners.
- I gotta think. What do I do?
- Good luck cleaning your name.
I am going to be in Mexico...
They think I committed a crime?
I gotta get to Dallas and clear this up.
- ...with a cocktail and a fake passport.
- I don't know what to do.
Mrs. Riva. Listen to me, Miss Riva.
Our smartest move now
is to change clothes, lose this car...
...and commandeer a new vehicle
to get to Dallas.
Everybody in the state is looking for you.
You're gonna be dead before sundown.
You don't have to like me...
...but I'm the best chance
you have at surviving.
What the heck is that?
Felipe must have put baking powder
in the car.
How much baking powder?
I don't know. Maybe like 42 kilos.
What? I told you it wasn't mine!
I told you not to steal something!
God! Would you just shut up
for one cotton-picking minute!
Hey, are y'all okay?
I took that turn way too fast.
What the heck is this white stuff?
- Baking powder.
- Baking powder.
We're bakers. Toast, muffin, cakes.
- Muffin.
- Toast.
- Toast, cake, muffins.
- I should call the police.
No! I am the mother-effing police!
Don't you see?
There's no major damage here.
You're free to go.
But I destroyed your car.
I said you're free to go!
Except I need you to drop us off
at the nearest establishment...
...where we can buy clothing
at a reasonable price...
...but, more importantly,
at a reasonable price.
I said that before, didn't I?
This accident's got me all jacked up.
- If you don't mind riding in an old truck.
- Let's go!
Clean your nose!
Out of the way!
When I was 5, my favorite color was blue.
When I was 6, my favorite color was plaid.
I was 7, I saw squirrels kissing.
I watched it for a long time.
A long time, Wayne. I still feel
weird about it. This is our stop!
Wayne, you're the best friend I ever had.
Wayne's a snake in the grass.
You think he heard me? I think he did.
Okay, okay, Officer Scarface,
just keep it together.
Police officer coming through.
I'm so thirsty.
It's like my body's a desert.
This could be perfect.
We have to change.
These hangers are slippery.
Like they have some special coating.
My hands are really sweaty, which is weird.
Is it hot in here?
It feels like the surface of the sun.
You're more fun like this...
- ...but calm down.
- I was in a fight-or-flight situation.
I'm filled with adrenaline.
Look how high I can jump.
I can't do this normally.
See that?
- Yes!
- No.
We're gonna need this and this.
- Control yourself. We don't need that!
- And these! And those! And these!
Aah! I know this is impractical
but we might have to catch our own food.
Or make a lightning rod! A hat!
- Please. Focus. We need to get clothes!
- Yes!
Okay, how about you try something
completely different...
...of what you are.
How about...
- ...a woman?
- Perfect! And you can be a cowboy.
It's tight in here.
- Cowboy?
- This is a good plan. This is gonna work!
I'll be a woman, and you'll be a cowboy.
No one's gonna see that coming.
I should learn to knit.
I could knit a sweater or a sleeping bag
or a whole house. Need curtains?
Looks like night in here,
but I know it's day.
It's day, right? It's like Vegas.
Whoo! It's hot!
What is that white thing?
That's my underwear.
That's no underwear, that's a diaper!
I like a lot of coverage.
Come on, man.
We're running out of time.
I feel like the cheese fell off my cracker.
Why do you look like that?
You're supposed to be incognito.
Not look exactly like
that picture of you on TV. My God.
All of Texas law enforcement
is looking for these two.
Officer Cooper knows the
right thing to do...
...and we are confident
that she'll come in.
At this hour, police are
still looking for the two suspects.
- Officer Cooper, who stands at 4' 11".
- Come on.
- The other suspect, a 45-year-old Latina...
- Forty-five?
We have to get out of here.
If I could get to that cell phone,
I could call Captain Emmett.
You can't do that. He'll recognize us.
How are we supposed to pay
without him seeing our faces?
Let me handle it.
Here you go.
My God. We have to get out of here.
- Why?
- Right now. Come on.
Come on. Over here.
- Hey.
- Come on. Get in.
- What was that?
- Cortez's men.
What?
Don't worry. They didn't see us.
Okay.
We're gonna wait till he pulls over...
...and then we're gonna commandeer
the vehicle.
Come here, boy! Hey! Come here.
Come here.
Aw. Look at you there.
You go out first, and then
I want you to go around and then wait.
So you're driving a car?
And looking for a cow to milk,
while putting on makeup.
But it doesn't look good...
...so you're turning a tiny
little radio on... What?
Never mind. Come on!
And leave that!
No! I'm not going anywhere
without my suitcase!
What's in there, anyway?
- No, nia!
- Another kilo of baking powder?
You are not taking these!
Then I'm not going anywhere.
Shoes. You're gonna get us killed
over some shoes?
They're not just shoes.
These are gifts from my
brother in Colombia.
These are the only things
I have left from him.
He got in trouble with the wrong people.
He went to the police for help...
...and he ended up dead.
So you wanted to know why I hate cops.
That's the reason.
So if you want to take me to Dallas to die,
fine.
But you're gonna take me with my suitcase.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know.
But I'm not like those other cops.
You can trust me.
You have to stop treating me
like I'm a stupid rookie cop...
...who doesn't know what she's doing.
Then you have to stop treating me
like I am a criminal.
Fine.
Fine.
Follow me.
Bingo! I got them!
All right, Mrs. Riva, we're gonna...
Who the hell are you,
and what are you doing in my truck?
Get away from it, lady.
Okay! Okay.
My name is, um...
My name is Nancy...
...Reagan.
Right.
I know it sounds ridiculous,
but it's what my parents named me.
Let me explain.
My friend and I are veterinarians
and we were in the neighborhood...
Shut your trap. I'm holding the gun.
I'm sorry. I know you don't like me. But
I'm sure you don't want me to get killed!
You should've thought about that.
I know you're mad,
but can we just talk about this reasonably?
Honey bunny!
There you are!
Sweetie pie.
I've been looking all over for you.
Who is that?
Hi. I am Dr. Shannon.
- I am her lover.
- What?
We had a little fight
but I'm sure you know whose fault it was.
It was not my fault.
You never accept that it's your fault.
You never talk about your feelings.
It's like being in love
with some tiny little brick wall.
How the hell you understand her?
- I don't know. It's really hard.
- I don't.
I usually don't even know
what she's talking about.
But we use body language.
That's bullshit. I'm calling the cops.
- Don't do that.
- No! This is outrageous.
No, no, no.
This is Rachel profiling.
- What?
- I can't be a doctor because I am Colombian?
And I can't be a lesbian
because she's so unattractive...
...and she has a mustache
and talks like some tiny little robot?
Well, let me tell you something:
She's my tiny little weird robot.
- And I love her.
- What are you doing?
Wait, what are you doing?
Trying to show him I love you. I'm
distracting him so he won't call the cops!
- Kiss me. Kiss me. Men love this.
- Okay.
Yeah, I need to report
two suspicious women on my property.
- It's not working!
- Act sexy!
- Okay! Sexy.
- Come, come.
- Yeah! Pull my hair. I like that! Yeah!
- Ha-ha-ha.
Yeah, I love it
when you pull my hair like that.
I feel so sexy.
My finger! God!
I did not just Cooper this.
You Cooper... You Cooper what?
Where is it?
It's gotta be here somewhere.
I can't believe this happened again!
- I gotta find that finger!
- We have to get out of here!
Bad doggy. What did you do?
- No.
- Hannibal!
I'm getting sick now.
- Hannibal.
- I just fed you!
I'm gonna give you the Heimlich, all right?
This is where I go down!
This is my banjo hand!
The dog doesn't have the finger.
What?
The dog...
...doesn't have the finger!
It's in my hair!
Okay! You have two choices:
You can stay here and mess with us...
...or take this to the hospital, have it
reattached and shake with a full set.
Hey, come on!
Slow down!
- Hold on, you're going too fast.
- You would be able to keep up...
...if you hadn't bought another pair
of stripper shoes.
And do not think that I forgot
you tried to escape.
I can't believe I bought
that stupid shoe story about your brother.
He's probably an investment banker
in Miami.
That I tried to escape
doesn't mean that the story's not true.
And I came back to save you...
...so you're welcome!
I am not saying thank you!
I don't think...
I don't think I can make it.
You are gonna make it.
I woke up this morning
and my partner was killed.
I have been set up, shot at,
and hunted down.
Some guy shot off his finger,
and I tried to Heimlich his dog.
I let you get to second base with me...
...or maybe third.
I've never been clear about that.
We're nowhere near Dallas...
...and the police are gonna arrest us
any minute. Now move your ass.
Keys. I got keys.
Thank God.
Desnalgada, you're going to kill us!
Open the window or put some music.
- Okay.
- Yee.
The two female fugitives
are still on the lam. Police are...
I never promised you a rose garden
Along with the sunshine
There's gotta be a little rain sometimes
Hey. I was named after that song.
So your name is "Bad Song"?
That's just rude.
You know what is your problem?
Here we go.
I have a tendency to be hyper-focused...
...so it's difficult to relate to people...
- ...when there's a task at hand.
- Exactly. That there is your problem.
- I am boring!"
- Please do not make fun of me.
I'm right and you're wrong."
- It relaxes me to do my numbers.
- Obviously doesn't work...
...that's why you don't have a ring.
- You do not know anything about me.
- I have kissed you.
I have seen your underwear.
I know everything I need to know.
It's none of your business, but I happen
to have had a date the other night.
- Really?
- Yes, I did.
How did it go?
Well, it went the way that things go
when a man goes out with a woman...
...and they have attraction
towards each other.
I don't know why I'd want advice
from you, anyway.
Did you...?
- What?
- Heh, heh.
- Does that mean what I think?
- Did you play with his chicken and eggs?
My God. I can't.
Ha-ha-ha. Did you give him a pirate key?
What is a pirate key?
I don't even know what that is.
That's horrifying.
Well, it depends on who the pirate is.
It didn't work out on the date.
It never does.
I have a tendency to attract men
who run away from me.
Don't really know why.
- What was that?
- I don't know!
What is that?
God. It's a person.
- Help me get him out.
- It's a hot man-person.
Is he dead? He smells dead.
No, I think he's just drunk.
What, it's police procedure
to touch all his man parts?
He has an ankle monitor.
That means they can track us.
We're gonna have to cut it off.
No. I have a better idea.
I'm going to cut his foot off.
How's that a better idea?
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the hell are you doing? Aah.
- Nothing. We're doing nothing.
- We're just gonna cut your foot off.
- What?
- Relax.
I know what I did wrong
with my cousin, Eugenio.
Okay, he did bleed to
death two days later...
...but, listen, he did it on his own terms:
With a drink in his hand and as a free man.
- Let's do it.
- No. Ain't nobody cutting nobody's foot off.
Now, you just settle down and tell me:
Where the hell am I
and who the hell are you?
I am a police officer. She's a federal
witness in my protective custody.
I know she looks
like she can't protect nothing...
...because she looks like My Little Pony...
- ...but it's true.
- Shh.
Who are you? What are you doing?
I'm Randy.
And you stole my truck.
Hold on.
I know who you are.
I saw you on TV.
Yeah. You all are wanted.
- I have to use the rock!
- Hold on!
- That stuff they're saying on TV isn't true.
- Okay.
- We just have to get to Dallas and sort it out.
- Good.
- "Sort it out"?
- Yes.
You're gonna get your job back?
And I am going to get dead!
- You're not gonna get dead.
- They're waiting for us!
- The U.S. government will protect you.
- She wants me to go and testify!
- She never stops talking.
- But to do that, you have to have a head!
She is not wrong. If we get there too
early, we will be sitting ducks.
So we need a couple hours to lay low.
Now, can you help us with that?
Yeah, I can, but you gotta stop pointing
that thing at me.
Thank you.
What?
The Indian casino.
Under tribal law,
police ain't got jurisdiction.
You know this. I could drive you.
I could get you a room.
I know people there.
- I bet you do.
- She's always this judgmental.
He's a criminal.
You kidnapped me. You broke my parole.
What you gonna do, just leave me out here?
Yeah, why not?
They're looking for two ladies, right?
Well, this is three people.
So why don't you let me drive
and you can get in the back.
Look, I can help you. Just let me.
- Why should I trust you?
- Because I know what it feels like...
...when no one
wants to hear your side of the story.
Plus, you know...
...I kind of like your smile.
I'm not smiling.
Well, then, I got something
to look forward to.
You have a bottle opener?
Now we're talking.
Cut it out.
Used correctly, bottle openers
can jack tires and pick door locks.
And then you throw it in the river, and...
- Done.
- She has the worst arms ever.
- So skinny.
- Dang it!
Like I said, "Throw it in the river!
And...
Done." Let's go.
- Evening.
- Sir.
A female suspect and hostage are in the
area. You seen anything suspicious?
- Sir, I ain't seen anything.
- You sure? We think they're nearby.
Real sure.
All right.
Be on the lookout for two
female fugitives last seen heading north.
Come on. Keep it moving.
Let me see your ID.
Move forward to the double cones.
You're kidding me, you lit a kid on fire?
No. I lit the mayor's kid on fire.
- It's not funny.
- Are you kidding me? It's super funny.
Okay.
I guess it is a little bit funny.
And I wouldn't care so much,
but my father was a very respected man.
And I turned his name into a joke.
He died a few years ago.
In the line of duty.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I will say a prayer for him.
Thank you.
Just that all I ever...
- Right now?
- Shh.
All I ever wanted was...
Amen.
Go on.
I was just saying,
all I ever wanted was to be just like him.
So that's why you always
act like a little man.
You're pretending to be someone
that you're not.
You have to be who you are. Own it.
But I have to be tough to be a cop.
I gotta get my name back.
You can't wait for them to give it to you.
You have to take it.
I'm just saying that I wouldn't let the
fact that you have a little cuca...
...get in the way of your dream!
Checkpoint. You better
figure something out.
- We have to get through. We gotta hide.
- Let's hide underneath this blanket.
- This is a deer skin!
- Calm down. He's probably a hunter.
- Let's go.
- Move forward to the double cones.
Looking for two female fugitives.
I'm gonna check the back.
Go ahead.
Move along.
It smells in here.
It does not smell.
It is not a real deer. It's a decoy.
Okay, this probably wasn't my best idea.
We need to make some deer noises.
What is a deer noise?
Deer noises, like,
you know, like the dogs says:
Shh. Be quiet! What does a deer say?
That is not what a deer says.
If it says anything, it sounds like this:
Are you kidding me? It's not a horse.
It is from the horse family.
Just make the noise.
Hey, I think I hear something over here.
Keep doing the sounds.
My God. I think it's working!
I can't believe I'm saying this.
I'm actually having fun with you.
- You are?
- No, of course not.
I'm underneath a deer
and with my head up your ass.
Shut up. We gotta go find Randy.
That bellhop looked at me funny.
Y'all all right?
I'm gonna go get cleaned up.
Okay.
We have to keep a low profile.
You can rest for a bit...
...but we have to leave by sunrise...
- ...to get you to the courthouse.
- I know, by 8:00 a.m.
Just in time to get my head blown off.
What are you doing? They charge
an arm and a leg for that stuff.
I would think
that you would love the minibar.
The things inside must feel so normal
in your little hands.
Why don't you go
and commandeer some food...
...from your cowboy boyfriend?
I am not going to dignify that statement
with a response.
I am, however, responsible for you...
...so I am gonna go next door
to get some food.
And, unfortunately, I have to do this.
Because, as you know,
you are a flight risk.
- Be right back.
- Come here.
Come here.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Thank you for protecting me.
All right. Well, that's my job.
Thank you very much.
Okay.
I'll turn on the TV for you.
They tried to seduce me
with some lesbian stuff...
...but I'm a Christian,
so I wasn't interested in that.
Well, there was two of them. One was a
real tall gal with a nice figure...
...and she had a little blond boy with her.
Officer Cooper is 4' 9".
I am 5' 2".
- She's traveling with a 50-year-old suspect.
- Fifty!
Here, read a book.
I already know the ending.
Suit yourself.
Hello? Randy?
- Hey. Um...
- Aah!
Penis! My God.
Penis!
- I'm gonna get a towel.
- What? I'm sorry. Please.
I was gonna say that.
That's what I was gonna say. Um...
The reason I came was as follows:
I'm in a very difficult work situation...
...my blood sugar is getting
dangerously low, and I need food.
And I need you to get it for me.
- Yes.
- Yes, what?
Yes, I will have dinner with you.
No, I didn't say that.
I don't have meals with convicted felons.
Heh. I don't have dinner with dirty cops,
so I guess that makes us even.
Plus, you know, I'm the good kind of felon.
- There is no such thing.
- Sure is.
My sister was getting knocked around
by her boyfriend, so I beat him up.
Well, then that shouldn't be a f...
With a baseball bat, so...
A 10-41 Apple. Copy that.
And my other sister,
she dated a similar piece of shit.
Maybe call it my hot-button issue,
if you like.
I hope you don't have a third sister.
Three felony assaults,
plus a history of established behavior...
...will definitely end you up
in more than an ankle monitor.
More like a jumpsuit. Heh.
An orange one.
In prison. That's a...
Why are you smiling at me?
You're kind of intense.
Yeah, I've heard that before.
I dig it.
You do?
Yeah, I do.
There it is.
It was worth the wait.
Hey, you know what?
I gotta see something.
Aah! No, no, no. No, no, no.
No! I'm on duty, and that is
a very difficult work situation in there...
...and this is gonna have to wait
because time waits for no man.
Except this is the opposite,
time is waiting for every man.
But no man's gonna do this.
That's not what I meant.
What I meant was, section 428
of the Texas State Penal Code...
...forbids fraternization between
a officer... Never mind.
Why does that feel so good?
Now go get me food before I pass out.
You got it.
Something very bizarre
just happened in there.
You're going to be mad.
How'd you get my gun?
I took it during that pathetic excuse
of a hug that you gave me.
Now give me the key, I'm leaving.
This is not funny.
That's my gun and it's police property.
I'm not going to Dallas.
I was never going to testify.
I was just going to get away from Felipe
and start alone on my own.
So you have been lying to me
this whole time?
No.
Yes and no.
Mostly yes.
But that's not what is important right now.
This is what is insane.
You were not supposed to read that.
Heh, heh. "Mrs. Riva's constant use
of her physical assets...
...rather than her somewhat limited
mental capacity...
...suggests that she might not know
as much as the prosecution would hope."
I was saying you are not a criminal.
No, you were saying
that I was too dumb to be a criminal.
This is what happens...
...when you underestimate a book
because of its cover.
I did not underestimate you.
I overestimated you.
It turns out you're exactly who
I thought you were when I met you.
Shut up and untie this cheap bracelet.
Move it. Move.
- I'm moving.
- Move.
You're gonna need this!
- Gun! I gotta get the gun!
- No, you don't!
- I can't believe I trusted you.
- It's not my fault you let your guard down!
- Yes, it is!
- No!
- I refuse to have a catfight.
- Too bad!
What was your skill for Miss Plantain?
- Lying?
- Get off, hillbilly.
That is so dirty and disgusting!
Dirty? I'm gonna show
you dirty, Miss Piggy.
Is that the remote?
That thing is covered in germs.
It's like a toilet seat.
I got stuck!
Give it!
Tell me why that bag's so heavy.
- What?
- How many pairs of shoes are in there?
Twelve.
- Eighteen. 18.
- Show me.
Open the bag!
Hurry up.
You would never understand...
...but I needed the sparkly stilettos
to go out...
...and I need the sparkly stilettos
when I stay in...
- ...and I need the corky wedges, and I need...
- I have been in evidence for over three years.
Average pair of women's shoes
weighs about a half a pound.
You'd need over 80 pairs
in there for it to weigh that much.
Give me one of those.
What's this made of? Platinum?
No.
It's white gold and diamonds.
That's how my husband
smuggled money into this country...
...as presents for his
vain, dumb trophy wife.
How much is that bag worth?
- I don't know, I have limited mental capacit...
- How much is it worth?
About $4 million.
- What?
- I know.
It depends on how the commodities
are trading at the moment.
I'm putting all of that in evidence.
Just gonna need a lot of bags,
a huge label maker...
- ...but I'll make it happen.
- Hola, housekeeping!
- Turndown service.
- That's Dixon and Hauser.
We've gotta go!
Hurry!
Open up!
Goddamn it.
Dang it! Bring the bag!
Dixon. Dixon!
Goddamn. All right, you go that way.
I'll go the other way.
Get down.
I'm trying. It's more far for me.
Got you.
Hey, Chiquita, get back.
Hauser, you don't wanna do this.
You've already killed
one fellow officer today.
Yeah, but they say
it only hurts the first time.
Hey, I was just coming...
I told you
you should've stayed behind a desk, Coop.
Son of a...
- I'll call you.
- How you gonna find me?
I'll run your plates!
I'd like that.
Did you see that?
This is what we gotta do.
We gotta get a taxi or a shuttle
or something.
Okay, last call.
I need a taxi. Sorry, this is important.
Hi, I want to get in this bus.
Really?
Okay, welcome aboard.
I'm gonna need a taxi to Dallas.
Hey! Hey!
Come back here!
Hey! Get out of the way.
- I gotta get up there!
- Close the door!
- She looks like that dirty cop in the news.
- No! I'm a big fan of, um...
...Cowboy Noiz.
I'm the biggest fan they have, I wanna
get up close and personal with them.
- I'm sorry but this is...
- Well, you let her on!
Did she promise you favors?
Because I can promise you a good time too.
I'm a lady...
- I'm a lady looking for action.
- Okay...
Some sex-type action.
Giving and receiving of sex.
Now, I'm just gonna bang
everybody's brains out in there...
...and lots of dirty, dirty sex stuff.
Like cracking the eggs...
...and doing the pirate hunt
in the general area of the heinie.
That's supposed to be a key.
I think this goes into the patootie.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Morning.
- How are you, ma'am?
That was really sexy.
I don't wanna hear it out of you.
I don't wanna hear anything out of you.
From here to Dallas, we ride in silence.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
we're about to begin our audio tour.
Please make sure your headphones
are plugged in...
- I can't wait to hear this!
- Yeah, to get bored to death.
Did you even have a brother?
You don't deserve
to know anything about him.
Did your husband kill your brother?
You don't even understand.
Why don't you go back...
...to your tiny little desk
and your tiny little life?
I have a job to do, except
now it's different.
Instead of being my witness,
you're my prisoner.
If we get to Dallas
and you don't wanna testify...
...you can go straight to jail.
Don't ever talk about my father
like that again.
What the hell? You speak Spanish.
What, the white girl
can't take a Spanish class in high school?
I know everything you said about me.
And no, I'm not an idiot,
and no, I don't have a flat ass.
Man.
Do not pull over. That's an order.
- Aah!
- Get out of the way!
My God! Aah!
No!
Is that our bus driver?
Okay!
I can't reach the pedals.
- I can't reach the pedals!
- Get up! Get up!
- Sit in my lap! I'll drive! Get on top of me!
- Okay.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I have commandeered the vehicle.
Keep your teeth in your mouth
and your butts in your seats.
Speed up! Speed up!
No, here they come!
I gotta get my gun!
- Come on.
- Cooper's driving. Whoa, whoa.
Stop flipping your ponytail in my face!
I can't see!
She's such a good driver.
There, I got it. Okay! Okay!
Move your ponytail! I can't see!
Let's do it like that.
No, no! Your hand's in my face.
- Take the shot!
- How if you don't keep it steady?
I'm trying! She's moving!
I gotta get a better shot.
Hurry up! Give me, give me the wheel!
I can't see!
Okay. I think I got him.
- Shoot him again.
- Move.
Dang it! My gun.
Scoot over, I'm gonna drive!
- I'll drive!
- No, let me drive.
Wait, he's coming back!
Here he comes!
- What do I do?
- I don't know!
We're gonna bump him, okay?
- One, two, three!
- One, two, three. Go!
- Dang it.
- We did it.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
My God.
- My feet got stuck.
- What?
- My feet got stuck! I can't pull it out!
- Pull it out!
Hit the brake!
- Stop!
- Get out of the way!
- Look out for the truck!
- Watch it!
- Aah!
- Aah! Step on the brake!
- Again. Again.
- We did it.
We did it!
Move! Move!
Is everybody okay back there?
Yeah.
It's kind of hard to
tell with some of y'all!
We did it.
Is that part of the tour?
Is she breathing?
Do you think she has any snacks?
Why would you ask that?
Well, I don't know.
So you had your husband killed?
Why don't write this in your little diary:
I didn't kill Felipe.
They were supposed to go in to kidnap me,
take me out of there.
My God.
Cortez killed your brother,
and now you're gonna try and kill him.
You don't have to do this, you know.
We can put Cortez in jail.
Jail is not good enough for that animal.
You saved my life...
...so I'm not gonna let them shoot you.
This is the last time
I'm gonna do you any favors.
- I'm not gonna let you get away with this.
- This is the way it's gonna go.
You're not going to try to stop me.
I would hate to see you dead.
We made a good team.
Mrs. Riva, you don't have to do this.
Damn it.
Breaking news
in the Vicente Cortez story:
Following the slaying of lead witness,
Felipe Riva...
...and the disappearance of his wife,
Daniella Riva...
...we are now learning that,
without any witnesses...
...authorities have had no choice
but to release Cortez.
Sources say Cortez's daughter, Teresa, is
likely to be celebrating her quinceaera...
...at the opulent Royal Colfax Hotel.
Meanwhile, law enforcement officials
are forced to stand and watch...
Come on.
At least we got Dixon and Hauser.
I failed.
No, you didn't. You kept her alive.
Not for long.
She's gonna kill Cortez
at his daughter's quinceaera.
Mrs. Riva?
She's a criminal mastermind now?
She's gonna kill Cortez?
I know it seems hard to believe, but
there's more to her than you think.
We have to do something about it, captain.
Look, you're now clear of all charges.
Your father would be very proud.
It's time for you to go home
and get some sleep.
I can't sleep knowing she might
kill somebody or somebody...
This isn't our jurisdiction.
It's the DEA's problem now.
And even if you're right...
...maybe this is the universe's way
of cleaning this up.
- If I could just go there...
- That's impossible. Security'll be too tight.
You know what you
should be thinking about? Your next beat.
You're out of the evidence room.
Congratulations.
Now turn in your I.R.L.
Take your promotion.
Go home.
Turn around.
She's clear.
Daniella, what happened?
I've been worried sick.
Vicente, I never wanted to testify.
I begged Felipe not to betray you,
but he wouldn't listen to me.
Now I'm all alone.
I'm here for you, cario.
Meet me in the next room...
...so we can speak privately.
I want to thank you for your loyalty.
Okay?
Chica. Psst.
Why do you look like Jos Bieber?
How did you get in here?
- Nothing here.
- Yup, nothing there.
- Nothing there.
- Nothing.
- He's clear.
- What?
- You're the one who told me I look like a boy.
- That's not what I meant.
But I'm totally crushing it as a dude.
That little fake mustache you put on
is perfect.
I don't have a fake mustache.
- Let me touch it. Let me touch it.
- Come.
This is a suicide mission.
- I don't care.
- I do care.
You're kind of mean, and I only understand
about 30 percent of what you're saying...
...but somewhere, around there,
there is a heart.
Don't try and kill Cortez.
I have a better idea.
It's here in my tighty whities.
It's stuck.
You want me to wear a wire?
Yes, but I'm not exactly sure
where we're gonna put it.
I told you to stay away from me.
This is too dangerous.
Wait a second.
We're gonna do this together.
I'll create a distraction and you'll get
Cortez to confess to killing your brother.
We can put him away for good.
Okay.
It works best if you put
it in the upper thigh.
Or the chestal area.
Are you doing it?
Yes! That's it.
So you're just gonna squish it
way down there.
No! Shove it all the way in!
Do it like I showed you.
Just pull them apart
and then shove it back in. Let me see it.
You pervert.
Get out of here!
You and your perverted little mustache.
Get out!
Come on.
Didn't your mother teach you manners?
Aah! Dang it!
Look at this photo.
My gosh!
He totally photobombed you.
I didn't even see that.
He's cute.
Well, actually, heh,
maybe I'll introduce you.
- We should go back.
- No way. Man.
Excuse me, coming through.
- Pick up your feet.
- These shoes are a safety hazard.
Keep it moving.
Wanna dance?
Captain Emmett.
- Cooper, what are you doing here?
- I'm glad you're here.
- I knew you would believe me.
- I told you to go home.
No, you're not gonna need
your weapon right now.
What are you doing?
You don't follow orders, do you?
Well, maybe you will now.
Outside, quickly and quietly.
- I don't believe this.
- Just relax.
I trusted you.
My father trusted you.
We're just going outside
to find someplace to talk.
Don't make me use this.
Ladies and gentleman, Miss Teresa Cortez!
- Come on.
- Aah!
First of all,
I want to thank everyone for coming.
Second, Elsa Muez,
I hope you're watching on YouTube...
...because you weren't invited. And you
won't be until you apologize to Patricia.
All right, party people.
Now it's time for the surprise dance.
Let's go. Let's go.
Teresa!
Hey, what do you think you're doing?
Are we alone?
Where are your men?
Enjoying the party.
Out of the way!
- Aah!
- Shouldn't have been this hard.
You were supposed to go to Riva's...
...write in your little
notebook, and leave.
But you just had to show up early.
You're working for a drug lord.
You're killing people.
See, that's your problem.
You're too by-the-book.
There are cops that understand
the gray area...
...and cops who have to be eliminated.
And not everybody wants to die...
...a poor, happy Boy
Scout like your father.
- That make you feel better?
- No, but this does!
You just got Coopered, bitch!
What do you think that you're...?
Get out of the way!
Come on. Relax, cario.
You could be
anywhere in the world right now.
Why did you come back?
Well...
...like you said:
"Family is everything."
And you took mine away from me.
You killed my brother...
Well, the good news is
you're about to see him again.
Drop your weapon!
Your brother was a coward...
...crying like a baby.
He begged for his life.
Now you will do the same.
Never.
Vicente Cortez, you're under arrest...
...for murder and attempted murder,
and I'll figure out the rest later.
Miss Riva.
Put the gun down.
If you pull that trigger, you'll go
to jail for the rest of your life.
Think about what you're doing.
He killed my brother.
He killed the only family I had.
I can't let him live.
And I can't let you kill him.
Don't make me stop you.
I'm asking you for the last time.
Put the gun down.
You won't regret this. I promise.
- Are you kidding me?
- What?
You made me not kill him
so that you get to kill him?
I get to kill him?
I just saved your life!
I have been waiting for six years
for this moment...
...and you come at the last second
and ruin it?
I just took a bullet for you!
You took a bullet for me?
It went right through you and hit me!
Because your stupid little skinny arms
cannot even stop a bullet!
- Wait a second.
- What?
I got shot?
- I got shot.
- Yeah, you little cucaracha.
My God. I didn't even feel it.
- You need to sit down.
- Okay.
It's gonna be okay. Just sit down.
Come here, Cooper.
It's not that bad, you're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be fine, Cooper.
Rose.
What?
My name is Rose.
Don't look. Don't look. Don't look.
Just hold it there.
Officer Cooper here for a Bravo 6971.
You're Cooper? The Cooper?
Yes, but let me explain.
That civilian came out of nowhere
and said, "Shotgun," and I did not know...
You took down Vicente Cortez!
Yes, that is me.
So nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too.
I heard you took a bullet.
She did not take a bullet.
She just slowed it down.
Hello, Miss Riva.
You gotta be kidding me.
You look like a sexy traffic cone.
I do not believe
they'll let you leave in that outfit.
No? What are you gonna do?
Are you gonna call a 10-545?
Or, a 75-49?
Okay, all right.
One for the road, honey.
Ay, Brenda, Brenda, Brenda.
I'm going to miss you.
Don't forget everything I taught you.
First is the toner and then...
- ...the sunscreen.
- The sunscreen. I remember!
- Ciao, Jimmy!
- Ciao, ciao.
God, I'm gonna miss her.
Get your ass back in that cell!
Thank you.
Well,
seems like you did very well for yourself.
Well, I am the lady who knows the lady
who took down Vicente Cortez.
I had a bird, I had the Time Warner...
Actually, I'm kind of, like, annoyed...
...that they only gave me three months
for obstructing your justice.
Maybe now you'll be
on the straight and narrow.
Please, I'm always going to have
some curves.
Well, there's one thing
you're gonna need either way:
- The right pair of shoes.
- Aah!
How did you...?
Must have gotten lost in evidence.
I can't believe that you broke
your little book of rules for me.
All right, keep it down.
Exactly how many times
did you broke the rules?
I mean, exactly how many pairs of times?
Well, I got you the sparkly stilettos
to go out...
...the sparkly stilettos to stay in...
...and, of course, the corky wedges.
I mean, I could kiss you right now.
But I remember that was
not your strong suit.
Please don't.
You know, you seem different now.
I do? How?
Taller.
Look at you. You're such
a badass now, breaking all the rules.
I'll have you know, too,
I've also broken some other rules.
I'm breaking a 10-66 right now.
Harboring a fugitive?
Can't just tap the brake,
can you, sweetheart?
Sorry, honey.
What is he doing here?
We're keeping our relationship
a bit under the radar.
- We're not ready to go public yet.
- Hola, cowboy.
All right, all right. And technically
he is not a fugitive. I helped him get off.
I'm sure you did.
That's disgusting.
Somebody's getting Coopered.
All right, cut it out.
Okay, I might've Coopered him a little.
Clap it.
Now tell me why that bag's so heavy!
Hold on, Reese. We're checking something.
God, I was giving
the performance of a lifetime.
Or, I could drive you.
Sorry! Sorry! Okay.
- Yeah. It's there. He left. I think he left.
- Ha-ha-ha.
I'll get you...
Seriously, motherf...
- Shoot! Shoot!
- I'm shooting at him!
Cut, cut, cut, cut, cut.
So if you want to take me to Dallas to die,
take me.
But you're taking me with my...
...big bag.
What is my word?
- We need to find something of clothes.
- Yes.
- No, that's not the line.
- Still rolling!
You see, once a month my uterus shreds...
Yep, her uterus.
It shreds?
- It must hurt. Does that hurt?
- I'm just saying...
...I wouldn't let the fact...
...that I have a little cuca
get in the way of my dream.
That means "a dream." One second.
- Of your DVD?
- I forgot.
Here's a blanket.
My God!
What, a hot girl can't read
the whole...
I had a stroke.
Now you're mouthing the words.
No, that doesn't make any sense.
Why do you look like you're in Menudo?
Well, why do you look like Bruno Mars?
Why do you look like Marc Anthony?
Let me do it again.
Here.
You...
I have a better idea.
Your hair.
Every time you come up,
your hair is different.
Who are you talking to?
I can't remember my next line.
What's my next line?
Yeah, right.