:: HOT SHOTS! PART DEUX ::
[Whistles]
[Humming]
[Speaking Arabic]
Arsenio Hall!
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Woo! Woo! Woo!
Team two, take the prison.
We hit the villa.
Little sister,
this is big brother.
We are in the ballpark.
Big brother, little sister.
We're at the prison.
[Dog Barking]
[Dog Burps]
[Growling]
Little sister,
this is big brother.
Are you in position?
Big brother, little sister.
Affirmative.
Attack in 30.
Starting now.
[Vacuum Running]
[Sucking]
Ahh... ahh... ooh.
6...
5... 4...
3... 2...
It's an ambush.
Alka Seltzer!
Whoa!
Aah! Aah! Aah!
Big brother,
where are you?
[Yelling In Arabic]
Surrender, yankee infidels,
you have no chance.
Off to prison,
American satans.
[Automatic Gunfire]
[Screaming In Arabic]
Good evening.
Americans were shocked today
by the announcement
of the failure
of yet another mission
to rescue our hostages
from the Middle East.
Informed sources reveal
that the rescue team itself
has been captured
and added to those
already being held.
Preliminary reports
also indicate
that an attempt on the life
of a terrorist dictator
was thwarted
at the same time.
With the presidential
election just 10 days away...
this could be a setback
for the White House.
Presidential challenger
Senator Gray Edwards
campaigning in Chattanooga
commented on
the failed mission.
This is no time
for partisan politics.
Bringing our people home
should be the nation's
number one priority.
Despite this current crisis
the president is putting
on his best political face.
Continuing
on his campaign schedule
Benson's 20-point lead
in the polls 6 months ago
has plummeted since
the hostage crisis began.
A CNN/Victoria's Secret
catalog poll
now has the president and Edwards
running neck and neck.
This afternoon,
Benson made a brief stop
in Fergus Falls, Virginia
for the groundbreaking
of his presidential library.
The five living
former chief executives...
Presidents Bush, Reagan,
Carter, Ford, and Nixon...
were on hand for this
groundbreaking ceremony.
White House correspondent
Jeri Kelter
reports on this
historic moment.
The library is to be
built adjacent
to the Fergus Falls Civic Center.
President Benson
made no statements
as he went about his business.
Publicly, it seemed
as though he was unaware
of the political blow
he had been dealt.
Privately, aides marveled
at his spirit
as he performed
his usual morning routine
by milking
the White House goats
and finishing a second helping
of grapefruit
and creamed corn.
Tonight, the president
and his top advisors
will be burning
the midnight oil.
Sabotage.
My God, man,
what does it mean?
We have to tighten
security, sir...
find out who's behind it.
No, no, no.
The word sabotage
what's it mean?
Someone's trying
to subvert our mission.
One of our own people
could be working
with the enemy.
- [Banging Pipe]
- Come in.
- Mr. President.
- Aah! Oh, Jesus.
Don't you ever sneak up on me
like that again.
What is it, Bob?
If Edwards gets wind of this
he'll use it against you.
He'll try to prove
you're incompetent.
I can prove that
as well as he can.
The CIA can't afford
another failure.
We want to send
Colonel Walters
to get our people out.
To insure the mission's success,
we'll need Topper Harley.
We think we've located him
in the Far East.
Topper Harley.
We've served
together before, sir.
There's no one better.
Cookie?
Not me, sir.
Young lady?
No, thank you.
No, I was just offering him
a young lady.
Oh, yeah, Topper Harley.
Good. I love the boy.
Kid's got guts.
Why, there isn't a fighting man
on this planet...
Gotcha! Listening
at the door, huh?
Well, Walters, looks like
we've got our saboteur.
That's your wife, sir.
Hah! Yeah, so it is.
Lavinia, you're looking as lovely
as the day we met.
Find out what she knows.
As for you,
get me Topper Harley.
[Honking]
[Screaming And Yelling]
Three. Three. Three.
Hmm.
[Man Yells]
- [Crash]
- [Woman Yells]
Gummi bears! Gummi bears!
Gummi bears!
Gummi bears!
Gummi bears!
Sprinkles! Sprinkles!
Gummi bears!
Gummi bears!
Sprinkles! Sprinkles!
[Speaking Thai]
Aisle 5, mezzanine,
to your left.
Program! Get you program
right here!
One pig snout sandwich.
Both fighters
are starting to show
serious signs of fatigue.
They're walking around.
Hey, this is where
your conditioning pays off.
Cootchy-cootchy-coo.
Cootchy-cootchy-coo.
Cootchy-cootchy-coo.
[High-Pitched Voice]
You win.
Topper! Topper! Topper!
Topper! Topper!
Topper!
Topper! Topper! Topper!
Topper Harley!
Mmm.
Topper.
I don't believe it.
Topper.
Colonel.
Good to see you again.
Yeah. You, too.
You want to tell me about it?
Well, they let me live here.
I help out fixing things.
It's peaceful, quiet.
No one is allowed to talk.
And that dim sum fighting
in the warehouse yesterday?
I just do that
for the extra money
and to satisfy my male cravings
to kill and win.
Colonel, who are they?
She's CIA.
The other man's an extra.
Ah.
What does she do?
Heads up covert operations
in the Middle East...
reports directly
to President Benson.
Colonel, these men have
taken a supreme vow of celibacy
like their fathers
and their fathers before them.
They haven't seen
a woman in decades.
Miss Huddleston.
Ow! Ow!
This is Michelle Huddleston.
Topper Harley.
Pleasure.
You're sure not easy to find.
Why are you keeping track?
It's like the colonel says...
good men are hard to find.
I don't know
how much you know
about what went on
after the last war...
but several of our men
were missing in action.
On two occasions
we sent squads to rescue them.
Both missions failed.
We have to go in to get the men
who went in to get the men
who went in
to get the men.
- What's this
got to do with me?
- I'm going this time.
We want you
to go with him, Topper.
Why me, ma'am?
Because you're the best
of what's left.
My war's over.
- Whoa!
- [Splash]
This will cost you
a few extra dollars...
but you'll make
that back and more
on your heating bill.
We're going to be
caulking the ashram
if you want to stop by.
Thanks, Bob.
This mission
is important, Topper.
We've got to take care
of our people.
Come with me.
When are you going to
put Ramada behind you?
What are you talking about?
You say your war is over.
Well, maybe the one
out there is...
but not the one inside you.
You're running away
from the pain...
but it won't solve anything
because wherever you go...
you take the pain with you.
You've come a long way
to bring me a lecture.
I know you were hurt
when that woman left...
but you're using that to hide
from who you are.
That was a long time ago.
I don't want it.
Hmm. Nice butt.
Topper, let me tell you
a little story.
It seems there were
three bears...
and one morning when
their porridge was too hot...
they went for a walk...
and a little blond girl
came skipping
through the woods...
and she ate their porridge...
she sat in their chairs...
and she slept in their beds.
And when those bears
returned to discover that mess...
do you know what
happened then, Topper?
No.
That little blond girl got scared.
Ran away.
So what you're saying is
that little blond girl is me?
If this is about me
coloring my hair...
Topper, they didn't make you
this fighting machine.
They just cooked up
the porridge
and went for a walk.
And you'll never stop running
until you face
your three bears...
Ramada.
Colonel.
I'm sorry.
It's got to end for me sometime.
If you should
change your mind...
here's my 900 number.
It's $5.00 a minute.
I'll waive the charges.
Your three bears...
Ramada. Ramada. Ramada.
[Accordion Music Playing]
# If our lips should meet #
#Innamorata #
I missed it, Don Corleone.
# Kiss me, kiss me sweet #
#Innamorata #
# Hold me close
and say you're mine #
#With a love
as warm as wine #
# I'm at heaven's door #
#Innamorata #
#Want you more and more #
#Innamorata #
#You're a symphony #
#A very beautiful sonata #
# My innamorata #
# Say that you're my sweetheart #
# My love #
#You're a symphony #
#A very beautiful sonata #
# My innamorata #
# Say that you're my sweetheart #
# My love ##
Hey, what's wrong, kid?
Oh, I love you so much...
but it's such a crazy world.
I just don't want
anything to happen to us.
Don't worry.
In a couple of days
we'll be on the train
to Hawaii...
we'll find a minister
who will marry us...
and we'll never be apart again.
But if something
should keep us apart...
if one of us can't make it
to Blenheim train station...
like for instance
if something came up
unexpectedly...
Not that I think it would
or it already has...
Wherever I'll be...
I want you to know that...
Kiss me.
Kiss me like you've
never kissed me before.
You will denounce the criminal acts
against our people
by your president.
Sign here. Initial here,
here, and here.
Phil.
Sign the document.
I see you're no stranger to pain.
I've been married...
twice.
Oy!
Like the previous six...
this victim was found
folded neatly in half
and placed inside
the glove compartment
of a sanitation truck.
Police are baffled.
This just in.
Presidential Military Advisor
Colonel Denton Walters
has been captured
during an aborted attempt
to free our hostages.
This tape was delivered to us
just moments ago.
They are treating me good here.
The food is tasty and nourishing.
The peace-loving leader
of this great country
has asked me to appeal to you,
President Benson...
to stop your vicious
imperialistic tactics
around the globe.
Ladies and gentlemen...
please rise
and give a warm welcome
to his excellency,
the prime minister of. Japan...
Matsuhiro Soto
and Mrs. Soto.
President of the United States,
Thomas Benson.
Mr. President, this is Prime Minister
Matsuhiro Soto
and Mrs. Soto.
President Benson,
where is your First Lady?
Hell, I don't know.
I've had many women.
Lost my flower
at the age of 15.
I can't keep track.
Let's get this over with.
I'm not feeling well.
My intestines were removed
during action in
the North Atlantic.
Took a torpedo in
the lower abdomen...
and they replaced
every foot of my bowel
with hemp. Clogs easily.
I hope you feel better.
My lips to yours.
The junior senator
from Minnesota, Gray Edwards.
President Benson...
Prime Minister Soto...
ladies and gentlemen...
tonight we put
election politics aside
as I join you in my duties
as majority whip
and chairman of
the foreign affairs committee
in welcoming
the. Japanese prime minister
and his lovely wife
to these United States.
Our two great nations
have begun
what we hope will be a long...
[Vomiting]
I don't remember eating that.
I feel better now.
Thank you.
It's that raw fish odor.
It makes... oh, God!
Look at that.
There's my teeth.
Yeah.
They're filthy.
So I would like
to propose a toast.
Oh, thank you, Yoko.
I'll take that, sir.
To world peace...
to a clean environment...
to harmony with our planet
and world prosperity.
Thank you.
Aah!
Looking for a place to sit,
Lieutenant?
No. I need to speak
to the president.
Can you arrange that?
You'd be amazed what I can do.
It's my fault they got Walters.
I want in.
You showed just in time.
We're leaving in the morning.
I'm taking personal
charge of this mission.
I hope you don't mind
working under a woman.
And now, the president of
the United States, Thomas Benson.
Prime Minister Tojo,
Senator Edwards,
my fellow Americans...
and our millions of illegal aliens.
It seems like only yesterday
I was strafing
so many of your homes...
and here I am today
begging you
not to make such good cars.
Excuse me.
Need a glass of water.
Damn tongue's gone dry on me.
It's not mine, you know.
I lost mine in Laos.
Commie kid lopped it
right off.
Got this one
from a basset hound.
Blouden, get the car.
President Benson.
No, you're not.
Seen him on television.
He's an older man,
about my height.
Sir, this is Topper Harley.
Topper, yes, of course.
The son I never had.
Well, no damn wonder
I didn't recognize you, then.
But a word of advice.
Don't go around
calling yourself the president.
I wouldn't do that...
and I don't think
you should either.
Just doesn't hold water.
Neither do I.
Let's get away
from these power cables.
Sir, I'd like to join
the next mission.
We're keeping this one
on the QT.
We're calling it Secret mission
to go in and get Walters
and our boys back.
Son, when you come back...
I'm going to throw
you wonderful guys a party
the likes of which
you've never seen.
There should be plenty to eat.
I doubt more than
half of you will return.
Thank you.
Got a light, Lieutenant?
I quit smoking.
Besides, I don't think
they allow it in here.
What are they going to do...
arrest me for smoking?
Now I know
what to get you for Christmas.
Make it a Thighmaster.
I've broken my last three.
Really.
Let's go to my apartment
and discuss our mission.
I'm putty in your hands.
In my hands,
nothing turns to putty.
# Tonight's the night
we're gonna make it happen #
# Tonight we'll put all
other things aside #
# Tonight we'll put all
other things aside #
Hmm.
# Give in this time
and show me some affection #
[Scraping Sound]
# We're going for those
pleasures in the night #
[Honk]
#I want to love you #
#Feel you #
# Wrap myself around you #
#I want to squeeze you #
#Please you #
#I just can't get enough #
#And if you
move real slow #
#I'll let it go #
#I'm so excited #
#And I just can't hide it #
Hmm.
#I'm about to lose control #
#And I think I like it #
#I'm so excited #
#And I just can't hide it #
#And I know, I know,
I know, I know #
#I know I want you #
# We shouldn't even
think about tomorrow #
# Good memories will last
a long, long time #
# We'll have a good time, baby,
don't you worry #
#If we're still playing around,
boy, that's just fine #
#Let's get excited #
# We just can't hide it #
#No, no, no #
#I'm about to lose control,
and I think I like it #
# Oh, yeah #
#I'm so excited #
#And I just can't hide it #
#No, no, no, no, no #
#I know, I know,
I know, I know #
#I know I want you #
#I want you #
# Ooh, ooh #
# Ooh, boy #
#I'm so excited #
#And I just can't hide it #
#No, no, no, no, no #
#I know, I know,
I know, I know #
#I know I want you #
#I want you #
[Squeaking Noise]
[Squeaking]
Ahh... ahh...
aah!
#I'm so excited #
# What you do to me #
#I just can't hide it #
# You've got me burning up #
#I'm about to lose control
and I think I like it, yeah #
#I'm so excited ##
Yippee!
Yahoo!
Yippee-kai-ai-yay!
Whoo!
And in an emotional address
at the state capital...
Nebraska governor Paul Burmaster
made a public apology
for his state being so flat.
Where are you?
I don't know.
What's wrong?
My arm's asleep.
No, something else.
My leg, too.
No, please, you can tell me.
Well...
Topper?
I have to wee-wee.
Look, I told myself
last night was just
going to be last night.
I guess I never counted
on finding a guy so deep...
so sensitive.
I've fallen for you, Topper.
I've fallen for you big time.
There's someone else,
isn't there?
No idea what you mean.
Women sense
these things, Topper.
I said there's no one.
I'm fine.
I know about Ramada, Topper.
I read your dossier.
She must be quite a woman.
And what if she was?
Was?
Last call for train 590
for Glendale, San Francisco,
and Honolulu.
Board!
Board!
Oh!
Unhh!
I told you!
Warned you twice!
Harley!
Topper Harley?
Over here.
[Thunder]
I cannot go with you
or ever see you again.
Just believe that I love you.
You must be brave, my darling.
This card is printed
on recycled paper.
[Thunder]
- Hey, hey!
- What th-
- Aah!
Sergeant, pick that up!
Someone could trip over it.
Which one of you
is Michelle Huddleston?
She is.
I'm glad you're here.
We just learned the hostages
are being moved.
I'm Commander Arvid Harbinger.
I'm running this show.
I'm sorry, Commander.
Presidential orders.
Lieutenant Harley
and I are in charge now.
Any questions?
No, ma'am.
Harley. I've been there.
I've seen the enemy.
If you're not ready,
you won't make it.
I've fired a couple of guns.
I'll assemble the men,
with your permission.
Gentlemen...
Ms. Huddleston, CIA,
and Lieutenant Topper Harley.
We're working for them.
Williams...
COMSI NC PAC RAMSE M-O-S-92 H-TAC OFFSPEC
PADDYWHACK.
Paddywhack?
Give a dog a bone, sir.
Of course.
Rabinowitz, demolition.
I'm looking forward to
blowing something up for you, sir.
I'm looking forward
to your explosions.
Gentlemen, Commander Harbinger
has just advised me
that we have 11 hours
to free the prisoners.
After that, we may lose
them forever.
This is the prison camp area.
It is heavily fortified...
but they'll never expect
an attack from the jungle.
Your contact,
code name Benchpress...
will lead you to the camp.
I'll be there to meet you
at the rendezvous point.
Good luck.
Topper!
Topper, I know we haven't
had much time together...
but when you go into battle...
I'd like you to take
something of mine with you.
Your lucky mole.
Aah.
Topper.
What are you reading?
Great Expectations.
Is it any good?
It's not all I hoped for.
Know what I'm going to do
if we make it?
I'm going to go back
to Eagle River
and marry my gal Edith May.
Gonna get us a nice little place
with a white picket fence...
you know the kind...
Two-car garage,
maybe a fishing boat.
And in 15 years,
when they're all paid for...
I'll set my charges,
blow the shit out of them.
Got a girl, Topper?
Painter to Sky King.
No parents in sight.
Party is on.
Green, green, green...
hook up!
Geronimo!
Geronimo!
Me!
Aah!
Aah!
Ah! Whoo!
[Engine Revs]
[Engine Revs]
[Engine Catches]
[Saw Buzzes]
Aaah!
Ooomph!
Thanks, brothers.
Ow.
[Ssss]
Hyah!
[Choking]
Urghh.
Jeez.
Stop it.
Ramada.
Topper.
Why are you here?
This is Benchpress,
our contact.
I didn't know.
You know each other?
Yes. Yes, we do.
It's been a long time.
Let's see.
The last time we met...
was the Flurvian Sea.
You remembered.
I remember every detail.
The sky was blue.
You wore gray.
I was in chiffon.
Oh, Topper,
there's so much to say.
You're as beautiful
as the day you dumped me.
You've changed.
That beauty mark.
It was a...
It was a gift.
It's all very touching,
but this is no time to reminisce.
If we're not at
the rendezvous point in seven hours...
we'll miss our pick-up.
It's your show, hero.
Let's move out.
Follow me.
We're late.
I know a shortcut.
The meat's smoking.
Shut up.
Let's take it off the grill.
Leave me alone,
would you?
Frank, you're drunk again.
Whose fault is that?
This is the best way
to the prison compound.
They're used to
seeing fishing boats
so they won't be suspicious.
There are clothes
in the wheelhouse.
[Topper]
Somebody once wrote...
"Hell is the impossibility
of reason. "
That's what this place
feels like. Hell.
I hate it already...
and it's only been a few hours.
I'm so tired.
We get up at 5:00...
First I thought they'd
handed me the wrong dossier.
I couldn't believe
they wanted this man dead.
Third generation
West Point...
top of his class,
Korea, airborne...
about a thousand
decorations, etc., etc.
I loved you in Wall Street.
[Beeping Morse Code]
Satellite reconnaissance
indicates an enemy patrol boat
is heading for our people.
Send the alert.
Hello, lucky.
Hello, lucky.
Report my signal.
Report my signal. Over.
Hello. George, Mike, Walter,
strength 3. Over.
Recon reports Indians
on the warpath
in your area. Over.
Ain't no Indians
around here. Over.
Do not take literally.
Repeat... do not take literally.
The vultures are circling
the carcass. Repeat...
The vultures are
circling the carcass. Over.
I see a couple gulls, but...
The pit bull is out of the cage.
The crips are raiding
the liquor store.
Hey, you yanking my crank?
If they come by
and see a woman
they'll know
we're masquerading.
Only men are allowed
to do the fishing.
Topper...
why did you have
to come here now?
Of all the missions
in all the jungles in all the world
you had to come
walking into this one.
I tried to stay away.
I thought I would
never see you again
that you were out of my life.
But it's a sequel.
I had to come.
Do you have any idea
what the critics will say?
Same warmed-over
characters...
Stop it. You're only using
this whole casting thing
as an excuse... to hide
what's really hurting you.
Hurts? Maybe. Once.
But I knew
this day would come.
I knew you'd come
crawling back...
begging for forgiveness...
groveling, sniveling...
pleading for another chance.
Sorry, sweetheart,
but this all-day sucker
is down to the soggy
white stick.
No, Topper,
you don't understand.
I'm married.
I was married before
you and I ever met.
I'm still married today.
You're joking.
- I'm not.
- You are.
If I was joking
I would say...
a horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says,
why the long face?
You are married.
Why didn't you tell me?
I thought he was dead.
He worked for the government
training pilots
for the CIA in Germany.
They told me he was
killed over Villenstulden.
The day before you and I
were to go away...
I received word he was
in a Berlin hospital.
I had to go to him.
They ordered me
not to tell anyone.
I know how you must feel.
You know how it feels to have
your heart shot out of season
and strapped
to the hood of a car?
To be passed like
the world's largest kidney stone?
Ramada, I don't think so.
[Siren]
Patrol boat!
Remember,
we're not American.
Those boys aren't stupid.
Where's Harbinger?
Shut off your engine.
Shut off your engine.
We are coming aboard.
Ummm.
Hmm.
Kareem of onion.
Al. Jarreau.
Go on!
Get out of here!
Ah! Ha ha! Take that
to the bank and cash it!
Swim for shore!
Save yourselves!
Swim for it.
I'll catch up.
Go!
Aha!
Omar Sharif.
Aah!
Aah!
Ooh, ooh!
Whoo-whoo whoo-whoo
whoo-whoo whoo-whoo...
whoo-whoo whoo.
Ohhh!
Aah!
Topper.
[Newscaster]
And in other news...
President Benson is returning
to Washington today
to speak to the nation...
in what experts are calling
the pivotal address
of his political career.
[Pencil Sharpener
Grinding]
Well.
How is the speech coming, sir?
Hmm?
Oh, I'm practicing my A's.
Does this look like an "A"?
Yes, sir.
All right.
Ha ha ha!
What have you
got there, Bill?
We received word
from Michelle Huddleston.
Topper Harley is missing.
His boat's been demolished.
- Oh, damn it!
- Aah!
Every time I give an order,
things get screwed up!
Plan a reception, they bring
the wrong hors d'oeuvres.
Appoint an ambassador,
he leaves the country. Now this.
We need a plan.
This may be our last chance
to get the hostages out.
All right.
Now, here is where we are
and here is where they are.
Oh, Jesus.
No time for prayer.
Here's the target area.
That's Minnesota, sir.
That's the genius of my plan.
We don't have to traipse
all over the world to fight.
We can do it at home
and go fishing.
- The enemy's over there.
- We'll fly them over here.
They can bring their relatives.
We'll teach ice skating.
Mr. President, the hostages.
It's imperative
that you act now.
Topper?
Aah!
Topper, you made it!
That's right, Cindy,
it's 23 minutes past the hour.
And now, here's
the Buckinghams with...
Kind of a Drag.
You're bleeding.
I'll be all right.
There's something else
that bothers me a lot more.
Harbinger...
where were you when
the patrol boat arrived?
Below sweeping
the boat for bombs.
What are you accusing me of?
Nothing, yet.
But I want you to
know I smell a rat.
Don't push me, Lieutenant.
Before you bagged
your first babe...
I was slitting throats
for this country
and making a good
living at it.
I'm not saying
I don't trust you...
and I'm not saying
I do, but I don't.
Save it for the enemy.
We got a job to do.
Oh, look, I'm cut, too.
Oh.
They got me, too.
It's a real gusher.
Let's get going.
There's a guard at the gate.
He's mine.
Wait here.
Topper?
Topper.
Oh! Jesus!
Before we go in there
I think there's something
you should know.
What now?
Have you heard
of Dexter Hayman?
The freedom fighter.
Yeah. He won the Nobel
Prize for inventing
the artificial appendix.
Exactly. Dexter is
one of the captives.
He's my husband.
You've got to be joking.
If I was joking,
I would say...
"a rabbi, a priest,
and a minister..."
O.K., O.K.,
he is your husband.
Topper, I was so young,
just a schoolgirl.
He was an older man...
wise in the ways
of the world.
He came around the schoolyard
day after day.
I so admired his persistence.
Even the restraining order
my parents slapped on him
wouldn't hold him back.
He opened my eyes
to the arts, music
clog dancing,
Wrestlemania.
His work has meant
so much to so many...
and I owe him
everything, Topper.
Everything.
I'm happy for you, kid.
But if you think you can
hurt me again, you're wrong.
I left my heart
in my other pants.
Go.
Knicka nach.
Cock-a-doodle-doo!
[Imitating A Monkey]
[Squeak Squeak]
[Whinnies Like A Horse]
Ah!
[Cluck Cluck Cluck]
[Aah!]
[Cock-A-Doodle-Doo]
The Iraqi coast.
Oh, those bluffs
look treacherous.
Hadn't counted on that.
But if God is on our side...
we'll rendezvous on
Lincoln's wart by noon.
That's it, men.
We're going in.
[President Benson]
Our rescue mission was underway.
But two things kept
running through my mind...
Would we get to
the men in time...
[High-Pitched Voice]
And why'd I bring
helium instead of air?
I'll guard the rear.
You take the front door.
[Glass Shattering]
The keys.
[Snoring]
[Dixie Plays]
[Brahms' Lullaby Plays]
What?
Enough.
[Clank]
[Squeak Squeak]
Huh? Eh?
I'll have a hamburger.
[Alarm Blaring]
Where are the prisoners?
Over there.
Let's go!
I'll take the back gate.
Now, that's a hell of a gun.
Where is Dexter Hayman?
Villa...
compound 405.
Move! Move!
O.K., I'm here.
"Terrorist mountain...
"it's a small war...
"Pirates of the Persian gulf...
the hostage mover."
Ah, "Dexter's dungeon."
Harbinger,
what are you doing here?
I was right, wasn't I?
You sabotaged
all the other missions.
I find that totally unacceptable.
You got me wrong.
All these years...
fighting...
and shooting and killing.
I just...
I can't go on.
I...
I...
Hey, hey, hey, rainy face.
Hey, proud warrior.
Let the sun come out,
you big, bad G.I. Joe.
You know, kitten...
we all have permission
to make mistakes.
It's called learning.
You give Uncle Topper...
a nice big blow.
I'm done.
That a boy!
Thanks, Topper.
I can kill again.
You've given me
a reason to live.
Head for the gate.
Plenty more bad guys to shoot.
[Announcer]
Keeps going and going
and going
and going.
Nothing outlasts the...
Yes!
- Aah!
- Aah!
[Yelling In Arabic]
The copter pad's half a mile
from the compound.
We can't leave,
not without Dexter.
Topper, watch out!
[Music Box Music Plays]
For a moment there, I...
I thought you were...
Gabriela Sabatini.
I get that all the time.
It must be the nose.
The irony is I haven't
picked up a racket in years.
You saved my life.
Topper, no matter
what happens...
I want you to know that I...
I never stopped loving you.
[Whistle Blows]
Let's move out!
You know how to
get to the copter pad.
If I'm not there in 15 minutes,
you know what to do.
We hightail it.
No. Wait another 15 minutes.
[President Benson]
We could hear gunfire
from the compound.
From out of nowhere, a patrol boat
appeared overhead.
How would we get past
the soldiers on that boat?
Then, suddenly...
it happened.
[Breaking Wind]
[Poof]
[Sniff Sniff]
Ahhhh...
take cover!
Guys.
- Jeez!
- Whoa!
[Machine Gun Fires]
That's it. Good night.
[Projectile Whistles]
- Aah!
- Ohh!
War.
It's fantastic.
[Cannon Fires]
[Panting]
[Panting]
You looking over there!
O.K. We going this way!
I'm going over there!
You going with me.
I'm going with this...
[Grrr]
[Grrr]
Oh...
drop the gun.
Drop it!
You will die,
yankee bastard-man...
how you say...
like a dog.
[Grrr Arf]
Now March!
March!
[Woof]
Now I kill you
where you stand
yankee doodle dork pig.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
[Metallic Vibration]
Mm-hmm!
[Arf Arf]
Aah!
Slippery rascal.
Aah!
[Ring]
[Ring]
Butcher of Baghdad.
Hello.
Hello, Saddam.
Uh-huh.
[Fast Chatter]
Oh, hello.
Who is it?
It's your wife...
Hillary Rodham Hussein.
Jesus, Mary, Joseph!
I'm so stupid!
I was supposed to pick her up
at the laundromat!
Tell her I'm at...
No, no... out of town on business.
A bombing. Gassing.
A last-minute execution.
Tell her something.
Make it up.
I'm sorry.
You just missed him.
Ah! I owe you one.
Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
Ali McGraw!
My eyes!
Infidel! I'm going to split you
like a melon!
Aah!
Now I will kill you
until you die from it.
In a pig's ear!
Mr. President!
Thufferin' thuccotash!
Looks like the upper hand
is on the other foot, Saddam.
Ah...
ha!
Uh-oh!
Yesss!
My skin's made of asbestos.
Tanning parlor action
at Dien Bien Phu.
Go about your business, son.
I've got a bone
to settle with this guy.
Yes, sir.
I'll get Dexter.
Let's make this a fair fight.
I've been waiting
for you, O Big One.
We meet at last.
The circle is complete.
Now I am the master!
Only the master of evil,
Saddam.
Aah!
Your powers are...
[Cough Cough]
Your powers are weak,
old man.
You shouldn't have come.
Yeah, well, I have.
We'll settle this
the old navy way...
First guy to die loses!
Hah!
Hyah!
Ohhh...
water...
water.
Water, please.
[Burble Burble]
It's locked from the inside.
- No!
- Damn it!
We'll all die!
Control yourself!
Blow it!
It's not our property.
Do it!
[Burbling]
Oh, Mr. Gepetto...
go ahead. Shoot. You'll
get nothing from me.
You are filth.
I spit in the face of filth.
Dexter, I've come
to get you out of here.
You're American.
Yes. I'm from America.
Let's go.
My friend, I yearn for freedom
as much as anyone...
but I run from no man.
You've got to come with me.
I can't walk away.
They've tied my shoelaces
together.
A knot.
Bastards.
I'm aborting the mission.
Envelope is closed.
We're lifting off.
Here you go. It's 4.50.
I didn't think you'd make it.
Everybody on board.
We're leaving.
What about the others?
We just can't leave them.
Ah...
ow!
Aah!
Wait. I...
I can't go any further.
I need a drink.
O.K., right a bit.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Stop.
Stop there. Down a bit.
There.
That's not very cold.
Is this filtered?
Their artillery will be
down on us in seconds.
We have to lift off.
Then we'll lose
Topper and Dexter.
But that's been the idea
all along, hasn't it, Michelle?
You're looking beautiful
as ever, Ramada.
How did you know?
I didn't. It all came together
when I saw you here.
I thought back to your inscription
in my yearbook.
You wrote, "Remember all
the fun we had in speech class.
I'll fuck up your life
if it's the last thing I do."
Then I realized
where I had last seen this.
Ohh!
What could I have done
to make you so vindictive?
Looks like you gals
know each other.
Oh, Ramada, how could you
have been so blind?
You were always
too wrapped up
being "Miss Perfect College"
to notice me.
Why concern yourself
with the feelings of
one insignificant roommate?
One fabulous day...
one incredible experience.
I had no idea
it meant so much to you.
I remember that day
as though it were yesterday.
The exhilaration
of experimenting...
Sharing something so new...
so dangerous...
so intimate.
Go on.
And I'll never forget
the look on your face
the way the sweat
glistened on your hard body.
Then you tied my ankles
tighter...
tighter...
but it just wasn't right.
It wasn't natural.
Bungee jumping is just
too dangerous a sport.
Bungee jumping?
That's it?
Michelle, how could you
hurt so many innocent people?
Oh, Ramada, it was
always so easy for you.
How could you
ever understand?
I had Dexter imprisoned
because I wanted you to suffer
as much as
you made me suffer.
You fool.
When I discovered
I couldn't win Topper's heart
because he still loved you
I tried to have you all killed.
He... he still loves me.
You turned your back
on America
because of your own
petty jealousy.
You're gonna pay for this.
[Splash]
Ha ha. Good doggie.
Ah... choo!
Ah-choo!
Ah... ch...
Ooh.
Ah!
Aluminum siding.
10-year guarantee.
I'll never have to be painted.
Ah!
[Dog Snarls]
Hmm.
Do you have any idea
where you're going?
[Gunfire]
Ha. You missed.
It'll take more than that
to stop me, you devils.
Don't jiggle me.
Advil, Midol, get over here.
To the helicopter.
They dicked with
the wrong dictator!
This means war.
You'd better let me
handle this, son.
Ew. You're so sweaty.
[Walters]
I knew you'd make it.
It's about time.
Michelle.
She's our saboteur.
Topper, can you
get me off the hook?
I'm sorry, precious.
No can do.
You sold out the greatest
country in the world.
And to think...
I wore your mole.
Get her out of here.
Dexter?
Ramada.
Oh, dear Dexter.
Look what they've done
to your shoelaces.
Oh, my darling.
You've no idea what
I've just been through.
But now we're together again
we have so much
to look forward to.
I want to do it all...
Donahue, Geraldo...
Sally. Jesse.
Oh, and who's that
black chick? Uh...
Oprah.
Yes. Yes. Her, too.
Let's go.
It's getting hot here.
I'm going back
for the president.
Topper...
I'm staying with you.
No, you're not.
You're getting on
that copter with Dexter.
I thought you loved me.
Ramada, I do love you.
I've tried to forget you
but your face is always
on the tip of my tongue.
Then let me stay.
I want to be with you.
I want to meet your parents
and pet your dog.
My parents are dead.
My dog ate them.
I'm sorry.
We both know
you belong with Dexter.
You're part of his work...
The thing that keeps him going.
I'm no good at being noble
but do you know what
would happen if you stayed?
Of course I do.
Sex. Wild, free,
passionate, unbridled sex.
[Gulp]
I'd fondle you in ways
you can't imagine.
I would pleasure you anytime,
anyplace, in any way
for as long as you
could possibly desire.
[Engine Starts]
You better get going.
You'll miss your takeoff.
Goodbye, Topper.
God bless you.
Wait a second.
Let me get a shot
of you two.
It'll be a great visual
for the talk shows.
Closer together.
Come on. Don't be shy.
Put your arm around her.
I've almost got it.
This is a great shot.
My God, you're going
to love this.
You know, under
other circumstances,
you'd make a great couple.
Oh, well.
Say chees...
You're moving too much.
Quit spinning.
This'll make me rich and f...
He really was a wiener.
Don't get me started.
Hold it there!
Hold it!
This buggy going to America?
Mr. President,
I was afraid we'd lost you.
Not a chance.
Shove over.
I got dibs on the window.
[Yelling In Arabic]
They're in my sights.
Just a second.
This is personal.
We're too heavy.
We need to lose some weight.
Aah!
# One can have
a dream, baby #
# Two can make
that dream so real #
# One can talk about
being in love #
# Two can say
how it really feels #
#It takes two, baby #
#It takes two, baby #
#Make a dream come true #
#. Just take two #
# One can have
a broken heart #
#Living in misery #
# Two can really ease the pain #
#Like a perfect remedy #
# One can be
alone in a crowd #
#Like an island,
he's all alone #
# Two can make it
just anyplace #
#Seems just like being home #
#It takes two, baby #
#It takes two, baby #
#Me and you #
#. Just take two #
# Ooh ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh #
# Whoo-oo-oo-oo-ooh #
# Ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh ooh #
# Ooh-oo-ooh #
#. Just take two #
#. Just take two #
# Ooh, one can go
out to a movie #
#Looking for a special treat #
# Two can make
that single room #
#Something really
kinda sweet #
# Yeah, one can take a walk
in the moonlight #
# Thinkin'that it's really nice #
#But two walkin'
hand in hand #
#Is like addin'
just a pinch of spice #
# Yeah, it takes two, baby #
#It takes two, baby #
#Me and you #
#. Just take two #
#It takes two, baby #
#It takes two, baby #
# To make a dream
come true ##
Hot Shots Part Deux
was filmed in Hollywood
in front of
a live studio audience.
[Tape Playing Backwards]