Stand in line. Faster.
Turn left.
Hunting Elephants
Turn right.
Don't touch each other.
He doesn't understand Hebrew,
he's English and he's senile.
Senile?
- Senile.
Senile? Yes, I'm senile.
Oh, old age, the evil monster
that diluted my mind,
where is my youth?
Where is my youth?
He's an actor.
An actor, my ass.
Give it up for the actor!
I'm warning you, Nick.
Shut up,
you're ruining my lineup.
The police screwed up
from the very first lineup.
It was embarrassing.
They were so old
that they had to let them all go
because they had
urgent doctor's appointments.
Inspector Danino,
I recognize two of them
and there was another one,
a 12-year-old, Jonathan.
Let me go, Eli!
Stop!
Shut up.
Oneg wants 83,
Yuval wants 90, and I...
I want 100.
You were diagnosed with
ADD and dyslexia.
The teacher won't believe
you got 100.
No, no, no...
Not my MP3 player!
I have dyslexia
but at least I don't stutter.
Fill out the test.
Hello, this is Banila
the English teacher's son,
can you call my mother?
It's urgent.
Can you get her, please?
It's urgent.
Yuval, 40.
40?
Oneg, 36.
Eli, 18.
18?
You misspelled your own name.
I deliberately made mistakes,
to screw them.
In my 40 years
in the school system
you're definitely
the smartest student I've met.
But socially
you're completely handicapped.
There's a name for this.
"Stupid genius."
People don't like people
who are too smart.
You're suspended for 3 days.
Out!
He was kicked out of school.
- What?
He copied in English class.
- But you know English.
Leave me alone.
Daniel, slap him.
- Why me? You slap him.
Slapping is a man's job.
I'll hug him afterwards.
Women do everything now,
you slap him and I'll hug him.
You can slap Dad
and I'll hug myself.
Dorit...
Dorit, he isn't...
Bye, guys.
Great.
Nice work today.
Daniel,
that monster better be done
by tomorrow morning.
Give me a few days, Dedi.
Daniel, don't be greedy,
if it isn't working by tomorrow,
you're fired.
Bye, buddy.
Why does that moron
talk to you like that?
Jonathan, be quiet!
What's wrong with you?
Night.
It's dark.
The bank seems deserted.
The robber's sure that nothing
stands between him and the safe.
After robbing banks
all over the world
he can already smell the money.
But then, whoops...
Surprise.
Dad, that's amazing.
- Isn't it?
There's also a secret code,
it's your birth date.
You know what I think?
I think you should go to Eli
and make up with him.
Dad, I'm not talking
to that Neanderthal.
He broke my MP3 player.
I see it still records.
It doesn't work,
it just lights up.
You know he flunked twice?
Son, you have to get along
with people less smarter than you.
You have enough problems
as it is.
I don't...
I don't stutter like I used to.
I'm fine.
You're just trying
to change the subject.
You can't afford to send me
to a school for the gifted.
It's very expensive.
It's not my fault
you're a security guard.
I'm Head of Security.
If you cleaned toilets
you'd say you're Chief of Hygiene.
Are you ashamed of my job?
I put the food on the table.
Checkmate. I win.
You got lucky.
- It isn't a game of luck,
I'm still smarter than you.
If you're so smart,
why are you a loser
who kisses ass for a living?
Don't talk to me that way!
I won't have it.
You won't see the computer
for 6 months, you hear?
Dad, are you okay?
- Yes, yes.
I'm okay, buddy, don't worry...
I'm fine.
I just need some air.
I'm okay.
I'm the best dad in the world.
The best.
Take the car keys,
get me the blue pills
from the glove compartment,
okay?
- Dad.
Even if I'm with my eyes closed
put a pill under my tongue.
But...
Don't be scared, it's okay,
go get the pills, okay?
Go.
Hurry!
Don't close your eyes! - Get the pills!
- Dad, don't close your eyes!
No, no, no.
Fuck, fuck, fuck!
No, no, no, no...
No!
Somebody help me!
Help me!
Somebody, please!
Somebody, please!
Got it.
Dad.
Dad, Dad, Dad...
Dad, open your eyes!
Open your eyes, Dad!
Dad, open your eyes!
Dad, please, come closer!
Dad, please come closer!
Dad, open your eyes!
Hey, Dorit.
Dedi can't see you now.
He's in a meeting
with a very important client.
He said he can't stop thinking
about what happened.
We,
all of Daniel's friends,
may he rest in peace,
collected some money for you
for the holiday.
Here.
How am I supposed to feed him?
- Dorit.
How?
You know what my salary is,
you won't pay me
a pension or insurance,
they kicked me out
of the apartment
and you...
Dorit...
- You're giving me charity?
Charity?
Huh?
2,000 shekels?
He died in your bank,
at his job,
doesn't that count for anything?
Dorit, the insurance company
won't pay because he wasn't alone.
His son was with him.
They were playing with the cage.
You have to read the fine print.
The whole document
is fine print!
Dorit...
Classic Dorit behavior.
Classic.
She comes, screams,
throws things, and leaves.
But she touched me.
Women don't understand,
we don't want someone
to suck up to us.
We want a fight,
in life, in bed.
She's not my type.
I like the sluts
with the high heels,
makeup, no hair on their...
silicon, Botox,
the whole nine yards.
Excuse me, Dorit,
do you have a first degree relative?
- Are you a social worker?
Give us our money.
If you have relatives
who'll put up collateral,
even a small amount,
I can increase the amount
and give you a loan.
My parents are dead.
- What about Daniel's?
Daniel didn't speak
to his parents.
Last I heard,
his mother was very sick
and the grandfather wishes
we were dead.
Leave me alone, okay?
Is that true?
What you said about
Grandma and Grandpa?
Why did you tell me
his parents are dead?
Don't believe a word he says.
You have a lot of nerve
coming here,
a lot of nerve.
I know.
But... - My son dies and I have to
read about it in the obituaries?
Why didn't you call?
I was scared.
What do you want from me?
That's your grandson,
Jonathan.
Don't you want to say hello?
I wanted to come to his bris.
- That was Daniel,
you can't blame me.
I didn't hear
that you fought for it.
Did you argue with him?
The wife decides
who to fight with.
You should've brought it up
with Daniel. - Too late now.
What do you want, money?
Don't have any.
Even if I did,
I wouldn't give you a penny.
I want him to stay here
for a few hours a day.
I work until midnight.
He's a big boy.
Look at him.
Daniel stayed alone at his age.
At his age I was a member of
the underground.
Times have change.
- They sure have.
Let him stay with friends.
- He doesn't have any!
I don't have anyone
and I need help.
You should've spoken to Rhoda.
Too late for that, too.
Forget it. I'm no babysitter.
Nick. Nick!
What letters do you see
on the wall?
There's a wall?!
I'm calling your son.
We have to discuss
the possibility of surgery.
What do you think I am,
a 6-year-old?
Forget my son.
It's an expensive operation,
let him keep his money
for more important things.
Nick, come here,
it's an emergency.
Eliyahu, how are you?
Come on!
You won't believe
what happened.
The crazy woman was here.
- What crazy woman?
Daniel's wife. What nerve.
She brought her kid,
she wants me to watch him.
You're kidding. What did you say?
- What did I say?
"You didn't keep in touch,
you didn't visit Rhoda,
"the little shit didn't even
call on the holidays.
"Rhoda got sick
because of him.
"Take your little retard
and fuck off."
Very good.
And what did she say?
She left the kid and took off.
It's not true,
I didn't meet my husband
at the nut house.
Contrary to what
his father Eliyahu said
we met at the university
and only then was I hospitalized.
Eliyahu, is that your grandson?
How handsome,
just like his grandfather.
Shut your filthy mouth, Hedva.
Did you see the new dress
my daughter bought me?
I can't open the zipper.
Can you help me?
You and your pistol?
I'd rather be raped by baboons.
Hilarious!
Did you see my mother?
I need my mother.
Help me get out.
I want to get out.
Lanzman, this is the code.
If you can punch it in,
you're out.
That's the test.
I just hope
I don't end up like him...
Where are we going?
- To the coma ward.
What for?
We're going to leave you there.
We're going to visit
your grandma.
Which is my grandma?
- Forget your grandma,
take a look at that.
She's a nymphomaniac.
She hasn't had any
since last night
and she needs more and more.
She needs someone to rock her world
with a 13-incher.
Now she's here, all alone...
That's great. Keep going.
Soon she'll take off her top
nice and slow
and sit on his crank
and move from side to side,
from side to side,
and he'll feel every movement.
What's she doing?
What the hell is she doing?
I don't feel well...
This isn't good...
My blood sugar dropped.
She's something.
Really something.
It's a miracle, a miracle,
he brought good luck.
Come to Daddy.
Take off your clothes, yes. - Yes.
I'll be the first one
who Sigi bathes.
You wish.
I'll be there way before you.
It won't be you, Ezra,
or you, Nick. It'll be me.
I belong here,
next to Rhoda.
She's coming out,
let's go.
Don't let her see us.
Have you seen my mother?
To be or not to be,
that is the question.
Hamlet, you cannot escape
your destiny.
Uncle Claudius... Murder!
You killed my father!
And now you have the audacity
to violate my mother?
Come and meet thy death!
I am your father, Hamlet.
No!
Fight! Fight!
My hand! My hand!
My hand!
Ophelia, I feel something.
It's a strange sensation
in my belly.
Oh, it's growing. Oh...
Tough house.
Mind you,
half that lot out there
haven't paid for their bloody tickets.
Go on.
Ophelia! I'm flying!
I'm flying!
Hello.
Hi. This is Dorit Arbel
from Israel.
Yes?
- Is this Lord Michael Simpson?
This isn't a very good time.
I'm afraid I've just opened the world
premiere of my new production,
"Hamlet, Revenge of the Sith,"
so thank very much.
Thank you, goodbye.
Daniel is dead.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Thank you for
the courtesy of letting me know.
Excuse me, who is this Daniel? I mean,
what relation does he have to me?
Well, he's your nephew.
The son of Rhoda.
Oh, dear.
Lord Simpson,
we know you're in there.
If you don't open the door, Dennis here
is gonna have to break your knees.
You don't have the rights
for the play.
What are you thinking of doing,
jumping out of the window?
We're gonna shove one of these
light-swords up your ass!
You're gonna pay me
every penny!
I have to leave now. Will you give
my condolences to my sister?
She doesn't know.
She's in a coma.
Rhoda? In a coma?
Well, I thought you knew that.
Now that Daniel is dead
we don't have a lot of money.
We need a short-term loan for...
- What about Rhoda's money?
The big place in Jerusalem?
Eliyahu will not give us money.
You're damned right he won't.
Now, that is my family's property
and my father, I can assure you,
had no intention of it falling into
the hands of a Jewish terrorist!
Well, he's not a terrorist.
One may stop being a terrorist.
One can scarcely cease being a Jew.
We just need a little loan.
It's a small thing.
You're one of the richest families
in England.
Oh, yes, somewhere between
the Queen and Victoria Beckham.
The Simpson family made
their considerable fortune out of tea.
The father of Rhoda and Michael
served in India
and then in the Mandatory Police
in Palestine.
He was a hunter and a boxer.
Now, the father was bitterly
disappointed with his children,
so when Michael became
a theatre actor
his father decided,
in retaliation,
to donate the entire
family fortune to science,
leaving Michael with
practically nothing.
How's it going, buddy?
I'm fine.
What are you doing here?
My mom isn't home.
Hello, Dedi.
- Hello, Dorit.
You little scamp...
I like that.
Dorit,
I might have a lead for you,
I've been thinking
about you all day,
and I might have
a solution for your problem.
I found a monetary fund
that can give you
a short-term loan.
Here, take it.
We don't need handouts.
- Stop it, Jonathan.
Thank you.
I can get you this amount
every month.
It's not much,
I really liked Daniel.
No one at the bank knows about this.
I'm bending the rules.
I bought you a computer game,
"Car Thief,"
but school comes first, right?
Do you need a ride?
I can take you to work,
and you to school. - No need. - Sure.
Yes.
You can exchange the game
if you like.
It says so in the fine print.
Here, see?
You have up to a month.
God is in the fine print, Jonathan.
Come on, Jonathan.
Hey, kid...
Hey, moron.
Are you playing?
I'm getting some tea,
then I'll be back to slaughter you.
Let him win.
Why? I'll finish him off
in five moves.
Let him win, listen to me,
I know him.
What were you talking about?
I asked if he has a girlfriend.
Well, sonny-boy? Has anyone
let you touch her cherries yet?
I met your grandmother
at the Bank of Palestine
in Jerusalem.
She had a summer job there
and I came in holding a gun.
There she was, the prettiest girl
in the world, 17 years old.
The daughter
of the British Chief of Police.
I looked into her eyes and said:
A girl like you needs a man that will
look at her beauty all her life.
This is my address.
Come to me
if you are looking for true love.
You walked in holding a gun?
I had a machine gun.
Were you bank robbers?
You and Nick?
We did it for the Jewish people.
We did it for the girls.
Where did you get guns?
- It's still confidential.
Tell me, sonny,
who's that girl you like?
- She's in my class.
Is she pretty?
- I don't know,
I don't have the authority
to determine that.
Listen, kid,
all that counts is getting laid.
If a girl says yes, go for it,
don't make my mistake,
a neighbor once babysat me
and I said no.
I waited ten years after that
and I ended up
going to a whore downtown.
Shut up, Nick.
Life begins the first time
a girl gives it to you
and it ends the last time
you get it.
Go to that girl tomorrow
and tell her:
Let's not waste time,
life is short.
I may love you now,
but it might not last.
Here's my number,
call me if you're looking
for true love.
Grandpa, I can't tell her that,
the whole class
will laugh at me.
Your generation sees
so much sex and ass,
but you have no concept
of simple love.
Say goodbye to your queen, kid.
Your end is near.
You're not bad for a kid.
You definitely inherited my skill.
Checkmate.
You can't go here
because of the rook
and you can't go here...
- I know what checkmate is.
It's one of Kasparov's tricks,
you have to know
when to sacrifice your queen.
When I got up for tea
did he move the pieces?
I didn't cheat, I never do.
You're stupid.
I'd cheat if I could.
No, you wouldn't.
Yes, he would.
Everyone cheats
when it's convenient.
What did your stupid father teach you?
My father was smarter than you.
You didn't know him.
Listen, halfwit, he was my son
before he was your father.
He was an honest man,
which you'll never be.
Why do you come here?
Why don't you have
any friends?
Eliyahu, for God's sake,
leave the kid alone.
I understand
why Dad never spoke to you.
You're a liar, a cheat
and a psychopath.
You don't know
nothing about nothing.
It's my dad's chessboard!
I bought it for him, idiot.
How can you possibly
treat people like this?
One flies 3,000 miles
to find one's beloved sister
in the worst corner
of this dump.
I'm terribly sorry, Mr. Simpson...
Lord Simpson!
One's great-great-great-grandfather
did not kill the Teutonic king
with his bare hands 800 years ago,
for his descendants
to become plain "Mr." again.
What rock did that snake
crawl out from under?
I'm sorry, Lord Simpson.
Rhoda is getting
the best treatment,
I promise you.
Elijah! There you are.
The name is Eliyahu.
- Yes, Elilulu.
I didn't expect you to notice,
but we English are not accustomed
to sweating here
like you natives.
I am transferring my sister
to better care.
George, put the bed back in place.
- Don't.
George, you better put it back
before I spit you and the Englishman
on an IV pole!
Eliyahu...
Who do you think you are?
I am Rhoda's brother
and I have the means
to give her better treatment.
Oh, and another thing,
I hope you are taking better care of the
Simpson residence we let you live in.
When can I see it?
I'll smash his teeth in...
- Eliyahu. - Stop it! - Eliyahu.
Eliyahu, calm down!
I don't have third-party insurance.
Her whole family, those bastards,
they broke her heart! - Stop it!
They broke her heart!
- Calm down.
Eliyahu, not here. We'll make him
eat lead in the parking lot later.
We are the best place
in Jerusalem, Lord.
And to imagine that I was considering
living in this dreadful place,
in an apartment
next to my sister.
You will love it.
And you will change your mind.
And I will give you
the best room for a few weeks
for a try. What do you say?
Well, if you repaint the room,
rebuild the floors
and change your hairdo,
it might be tolerable...
Okay.
"Noa, let's not waste time,
life is short."
Noa.
Oh my god...
What a nerd...
Noa...
Let's not waste t-time,
life is sh-short.
What do you mean?
Someone you l-love
could die any m-minute.
Like who?
I don't know,
but a p-pretty girl like you
needs someone to l-love her and
hold her for the rest of her l-life.
Well, call me.
Wait, where are you going?
Are you making fun of me?
- No.
I'm really sorry about
what happened to your dad.
That's not why I...
What's up, Calculator?
What's that?
A boner?
Noa gave you a boner?
You're an idiot, Eli.
Now you're gonna tell on me?
Run to Daddy and tell on me?
Oh, shit...
I forgot,
you don't have a dad.
This is a Do Not Resuscitate form,
a DNR.
Should Rhoda enter a condition
of respiratory distress
or heart failure,
we want your consent
not to resuscitate her.
You want my consent
to kill my wife?
True, her muscles respond,
but she had a stroke.
This form will help
free her from suffering.
I know how much you love her.
You don't know anything
about love, Mrs. Director.
I promised her that when
she was old and helpless
I'd buy poison and kill her...
and she promised me the same.
And I didn't sign a form.
I promised that
to the woman I love.
That's illegal, Eliyahu.
To hell with the law.
This country can't afford
eye surgery for an old man,
it's too expensive.
A guy takes a bullet
for his country
and you piss on him.
He was shot right beside me.
Eliyahu, I don't quite
understand what you mean,
but look,
take this form, read it...
The only person with permission
to kill my wife is me.
The man who's loved her
for 60 years.
When you're pale with grief
Hiding in your silence
Let me talk to you
And walk between your shadows
And be with you
I won't ask you why
I won't trouble your loneliness
Cautiously, as if hesitating
With hints of fondness and kindness
I will talk to you
I am strong
I am strong
Don't go easy on me
Don't stop your thorns
From scratching my legs
When you're weary unto death
And can't sleep in the darkness
When your nightmares
Haunt your dreams
I will stay with you...
Hi, Jonathan.
Wow, marvelous makeup.
You know, that reminds me of when I was
in a production of "The Three Sisters."
It's all about this servant
in Old Russia.
I thought
it was about three sisters.
Yes, well, they were there too.
But when I played Vasily
I made it the leading role.
On the opening night
I surprised the director
by wearing my own
red dressing gown and a black eye.
Well... this is not makeup.
Somebody really hit me.
Was it a terrorist attack?
Are you all right?
I'm okay, Uncle Michael.
- Oh.
Uncle. That's so strange.
No one has every called me
"uncle" before.
Don't you have other family?
The stage is my family.
Come to think of it,
you're the heir to the throne.
You're going to be
the next Lord!
I prefer Prince or Duke.
Well, maybe on the
other side of your family.
No... My mother,
she doesn't have much money.
Well, that's not a problem,
I can give you money.
Right now
I have certain liquidity issues,
but in a month's time
I can help you.
I know what you need.
Come on.
A wonderful day
to all our residents.
Our afternoon lecture:
Sexual Diseases and the Elderly.
It's important that you attend.
Cola? Did you buy him cola?
Are you nuts?
Do you know what they put in it?
No, I don't.
The formula is a secret,
in fact it's probably the best-kept
secret in the 20th century.
If I knew that
I'd be a billionaire.
He was depressed.
Depressed? When you have a problem,
come to your grandpa,
not to strangers.
What happened to you?
I never snitch.
Telling your teacher is snitching,
telling your grandpa
is a way to get even.
Who was it?
What on earth are you doing?
Are you punishing him
for the Coke?
Shut up!
He was humiliated in class, and you
think a soft drink will cover for this?
Come on.
What do you think you're doing?
If you don't mind, I'm coming to make
sure that the boy's not mistreated.
Keep an eye on him.
If he does anything, neutralize him.
Mei!
Soon Mei, coffee!
Come on, Soon Mei,
my father will fire you!
Eli, listen good.
Hello. I think it is
important to explain
that I had no idea
this was going to happen.
If you mess with Jonathan,
Calculator, again,
my grandson...
In fact, I am being held here
against my will.
I'll come back here
and pop a cap down your throat
and kill you.
I'll repeat myself
because I understand
you're ADD.
What's ADD?
A problem concentrating.
Oh, you mean retarded.
We called that "retarded."
Why make up new words?
Is this the time for that, Nick?
From now on
you take care of Jonathan,
otherwise I'll come and get you.
Thank you for your hospitality,
and what a clean place you have here,
you're doing an excellent job.
Finally someone puts a halter
on that rotten kid...
Grandpa...
That was great,
that was amazing.
Am I the only person here
who thinks that Elijah-wu-wu
should seek psychiatric help?
Calm down.
It's not a working gun.
If any other kids bother you,
tell me where they live.
Hey!
- Hey, hey, stop, stop!
Make my day!
Shit!
- What are you doing, stupid?!
Give me the gun!
What's going on, Eliyahu?
I fixed it,
people only listen
if you have a working gun.
Look, I know this is
an ordinary day for you Israelis,
but for me personally,
I think we should run.
I can't hear a thing!
I'm deaf in this ear!
Moron.
Sorry I'm late, Mom,
we had... it was great.
Sit down, I'll make dinner.
It's okay, baby, I made dinner.
I know it's not real food, but...
No, no, cake is perfect.
People don't know it
but it has all the major food groups.
Baby, I'm going out
for half an hour max.
Where are you going?
- To meet Dedi, Dad's bank manager.
We need another loan urgently.
At night?
- Baby, don't make me feel bad,
I've been working all day.
I'll be back in half an hour.
He's just a nice man
who's helping us.
Want me to cancel? I'll cancel,
and we'll be evicted.
No, no, I just...
I'll be back as soon as I can.
I'll make you cocoa
like I used to make for Dad before bed.
Make me some too,
but with no milk.
Because of the cholesterol.
And no sugar.
I'm diabetic.
Basically, you want hot water.
Lukewarm.
I'm not allowed hot drinks.
Are you crying?
Why are you crying?
- He's crying again?
What's with kids these days?
I didn't cry three times
my whole life,
including when I was born.
Here.
They killed him...
the people from the bank,
they killed my dad.
Your son.
He worked hours and hours
with his heart problem
and they forced him,
they made him come at night
and work on the cage.
Scumbags...
They killed him.
And they blame me.
They won't pay damages,
insurance, nothing.
Banks don't give you anything,
they even attach the pens
to the desk.
So maybe...
maybe you and Nick
should rob my dad's bank.
Look at this kid...
he's crazy.
He's...
He's just like you.
Grandpa,
I know the whole security system.
I thought you were honest.
- We're all crooks, aren't we?
That's what you said.
Nick, help me with this nut.
The kid's right.
I took a bullet for you.
I can hardly see
and I need the money.
What can they do to me in jail?
Put me in a dark room?
You owe it to the kid.
They killed his father.
Your son.
And I know you loved Daniel.
You can't be that mad at someone
unless you love him.
Are you gonna let them get away
with killing your son?
Huh, Eliyahu?
What? - You know, you always
drink the cheap stuff,
so I brought along
some good whiskey.
I thought that we could
share a drink,
for the good old days.
What good old days?
We didn't have one good day.
We are busy.
- Listen to me.
Eliyu Jew-boo-boob,
I wondered if you had considered
the management's request,
you know, about the form,
the "Do Not Resuscitate" for Rhoda,
you know, the DNR.
- How do you know about that?
Well, I was the one who asked them
if you had signed such a form.
You piece of shit!
You want her dead, huh?
You want the house, don't you?
I'm appalled. I'm amazed.
I'm shocked.
Oh, so you don't want our house.
Listen, it's my house!
My father loaned it to you
until Rhoda died.
It was never his intention
that you should inherit the place...
No! Not the face!
I'm an actor!
Need some help?
You little...
I'll finish you up...
Listen, listen to me.
I've consulted a solicitor
and he has advised me
that with the DNR form
and a doctor's opinion
that a judge would
make me a trustee of the house
which was loaned to you,
and because you loved my sister I'm
willing to give you some of the money.
And the boy here.
Yes?
So just that you will know,
I sold the house.
When I needed to take Rhoda
to a hospital
I took her to the best place,
so I used the money.
But Rhoda was in a coma.
How could she sign...
I forged her signature,
and yours too.
I got the money, I paid for her stay,
for my apartment
and for Nick's apartment in the place.
And the rest I donated to the Museum
for Israel's Struggle for Independence.
You paid for me?
You donated my money
to a terrorist museum?
Yes, I did.
Do you realize
how cool your grandpa is?
You had no right!
Shut up!
Right, my ass.
I'll do anything to protect my family.
You have so much money
and you want to kill your sister?!
Shithead!
- No, stop!
Butt out, kid.
It started before
the State was founded,
nothing to do with you.
Where's the gun, Eliyahu?
- You piece of...
Where's the gun?
Grandpa, please,
he's my uncle.
So now you're on his side?
I knew I couldn't trust you.
Go with him, traitor.
The only form I will sign
is your execution.
I still have my membership card
in a terrorist organization,
you piece of shit...
We don't have much time left.
Not me, not you,
and certainly not Rhoda.
We have a gun and a car,
we go into the bank, take the money,
and escape to the forest,
where we shot
the Major's head off.
Like the good old days,
the good life.
It won't work, Grandpa.
Why not?
- Because of the security.
Three guards
on the ground floor,
eight cameras,
they'll drop the cage
before we reach the door.
Besides, they have
a silent alarm.
They press a button
and the cops arrive in 3 minutes.
And you can't just open the safe,
you need a magnetic card
that opens it.
Did Dad tell you that?
- He designed it,
he was an expert.
What a fool,
he was such a genius that
his own system killed him.
That doesn't matter, Grandpa,
we need more people.
What about Shimon Caravani
from our days in the underground?
He has good hands.
He's dead.
Shimon Caravani is dead?
How did I miss that?
We were at his funeral together,
you eulogized him.
How did he die?
- Just shut up, Nick.
What's going on here?
Hedva told everyone
he's an English lord,
they're all going wild.
They say he's a billionaire.
Someone even said he owns
shares of Coca-Cola.
I am dancing the primitive
Jewish dance, the Hora!
You just broke your hip.
These Israeli women,
they're amazing!
Rita just asked me back
to her room after the party.
Be careful, she has Parkinson's.
Well, maybe that's all for the best
because I'm not allowed
to move my pelvis.
Come on, get up.
Why are only the girls are dancing?
Look at that.
They have no shame,
they forgot the Mandate,
what the British did to us.
Look how they flock
when they see
a title of nobility.
That could help us.
What? - At the bank,
he acts like a lord.
Everyone will look at him
and we'll carry out the plan.
Bravo!
Maybe the kid's idea
isn't so bad after all.
People show him respect.
They'll let him into the safe with the
briefcase without asking questions.
Will one of you animals
help me up?
He's a real-live lord.
Our thanks to Lord Michael for
performing voluntarily and at no charge.
Jesus Christ,
you nearly stopped my pacemaker!
Don't get blood on the shirt,
it's rented.
Uncle Michael,
we know you really need the money.
Nonsense. I'm wealthy.
It's a matter of principle.
I read on the internet
you're broke.
You even sold
your title of nobility.
It was all in the
House of Lords website.
They have a website?
Your father donated
all his money.
You didn't have a job
in theatre in years.
It's a tough business,
show business.
You're never the right age.
I could pass for 45 on the stage,
in the right lighting.
- You mean darkness.
When I was your age
I played Oliver Twist.
People are still talking about it.
"Please, sir, can I have some more? "
My father never came to see it.
Too busy growing tea leaves
in Sri Lanka.
Unbelievable. He's broke.
Too busy hunting elephants
in India.
I need 232,000 Euros.
A.S.A.P.
What for?
I'm going to start a new
theatre company. That's all I need,
one good part.
You see, I'm not like you,
Elilulu,
I don't have a warm,
close personal family.
If I die, there's nothing.
No legacy.
No lifetime achievement awards.
I'm an actor.
I need to act.
We have an idea
for how you can get the money.
Uncle Michael,
we will rob a bank together.
I've never played
a bank robber...
Will it be a big part?
Will I have a lot of lines?
A monologue, perhaps?
A monologue?
I suggest we rob the bank
with our weaknesses.
Grandpa, do you have
a disabled sticker?
Never.
You can get one easily
with your water on the knee
and herniated disc.
Let down your dignity a little.
Okay, Grandpa,
you'll get a disabled sticker
and we'll park in front...
Nick will block the door
to the guards' room with his walker.
Not bad, not bad.
Michael...
No, no, you can call me Alfred,
that's my character's name.
And I spent several years
growing plants in the Far East.
Really?
- No, not me. It's background.
I'm a method actor.
You go inside
and you go to the clerk.
Okay.
- Okay, here.
Here, here.
Okay?
What's my motivation?
- The money!
No, no, you never rob banks
for money,
it's always for revenge or sex.
Sex for who? For the kid? For me?
- Perhaps for Alfred.
So there I am,
alone with her in her office,
and she removes her sweater.
And I say to her:
My dear, you must understand,
I will not sleep with you for the role,
but I will sleep with you for the money!
I grab you like this,
put the gun to your head,
and say:
"If anybody moves, he gets it."
If anybody moves, he gets it!
If anybody moves, he gets it!
I'll blow the kid's head off!
Dear God!
The boy!
Do something!
The boy!
Put down the gun!
Down!
Well, Eliyahu? What now?
I aim the gun at you, Nick,
and say:
"Old man, open the safe for me."
I don't want to be a hostage,
I want the gun.
With your eyesight
you'll shoot yourself in the ass.
You and the kid open the safe.
Okay, Michael,
you go up the stairs, here, yes,
into the bank manager's office.
And you lock the door,
to block the silent alarm.
Later you will say that
you did it because you panicked.
Panic? I can do panic.
Open the door!
I have to press the button...
- No Hebrew.
Alfred, no Hebrew.
Please...
- Espanol, Francais, Italiano...
Okay!
- Un poquito Mandarin...
Please... - No Hebrew.
- Open the door!
I need to push the button.
You believed that, didn't you?
The first code is my birth date.
When is my monologue?
- What?
My monologue.
When do I do the monologue?
Not now, Michael.
Second code is Mom's birth date
and the third code is 17011925.
Isn't that your birthday, Eliyahu?
Does that matter now, Nick?
But it won't open
without the magnetic card.
Where can we get that?
I think Dad had one,
it's still at our house.
Jonathan, honey, sweetie,
what are you doing here?
I came to visit.
How's your lovely mother?
Tell her...
Don't bother, I'll tell her.
It's okay, I'll tell her.
- No, I'll tell her.
It's fine, I'll tell her.
- Jonathan, I'll tell her.
So you came to visit, huh?
- Yeah.
This must remind you
of your late father.
I was just talking about him,
we miss him very much.
I was just telling...
Alex, how much I miss Daniel.
I'll be going.
All right.
Dedi,
how much money is in here?
Didn't your father tell you?
We hardly keep
any money in here,
only if someone wants
to do a big transaction
in cash,
but generally
we don't keep more than
20 or 30 thousand shekels here.
We call it "the white elephant."
The safe is the most
expensive thing here.
Enjoy yourself, pal,
have a look around.
Gentleman.
I will bring my husband to you
that you... learn him.
Fuck, English is such
a hard language.
You have a husband?
That's wonderful.
What husband?
We're getting divorced,
I'm divorcing.
You're divorcing?
That's even better.
You know, my husband,
he's no gentleman.
He hits me.
Oh, you shouldn't let him do that.
You should go to the police,
pay the bribe,
and they will take care of it.
You know,
you're the only one here
that don't want sex to Sigi.
Sex? Me...
No...
The last time I had sex,
the Queen was voted one of the
sexiest ten women in England.
Didn't understand a word...
Listen, listen.
I have a boy,
he's eight years old.
His English is terrible,
not good at all.
So maybe tomorrow
you come to Sigi house
and you will learn him English.
What do you say?
Let me check my diary.
I'm free.
- Great!
Hava nagila...
Come on, we have to go.
I tell you, it's a bad idea.
It's the only way to get the magnetic
card which will open the safe.
Breaking into
the bank manager's house?!
It's beyond stupid!
Not to mention the fact
that Jonathan's mother is dating him.
Shut up.
Sh-she's not dating him,
sh-she just needs the money.
Duke, that doesn't make it
sound much better.
He's meeting her to sign the loan
document. We don't have much time...
Nick!
Why do we always
let the blind man drive?
Because he knows the way.
Get in!
Is it my glasses or are those stains
on the windshield?
Concentrate on the lights
in front of you.
We're all going to die.
We're all going to die.
Stop...
This is the building.
What the fuck you are doing?
I don't want to be recognized.
Who will recognize you?
Hey, a woman stopped me
in the street once,
she'd seen me in a play.
She started hitting me.
She wanted her money back.
"Dedi's House of Fun"
Hello.
Excuse me, I have a somewhat
personal question for you. - Yes?
How long have you lived here?
Five years, why?
You were right,
this is the place.
I'm sorry,
this boy here,
his father died
a few weeks ago.
I'm his grandfather.
These are his uncles
from England.
How do you do.
- Yes. - Yes?
If you don't mind us
looking around,
they lived here
when he was a baby.
Sure, come in.
Water?
Coffee?
- Oh, okay.
Thank you.
What are you doing, you idiot?
Thank you, ma'am,
you've been a great help.
Thank you.
Quiet, be quiet!
For God's sake!
I found it.
Good work, kid,
now switch it
with your dad's card,
the one they cancelled.
Why?
So he thinks his card
isn't working.
Hurry up.
Look at this,
he has cherry-flavored condoms.
Put a hole in each of them.
Let's go.
Oh, Viagra.
I take two, you take two?
I don't need them.
- Me neither.
Come on, let's go.
Oh, crap.
He's back.
We're all going to prison.
Please tell me I won't be the bitch.
- Shut up.
They can't see us.
You know, Duke,
you are just like Hamlet.
They murdered your father
and now they're after your mother.
You must be torn apart inside.
I'm okay, Uncle Michael.
He's taking advantage of her,
she's...
She's confused.
She forgot your father.
Before your corpse is cold
people forget you.
Better to die first
and spare yourself the shame.
That's not true, Grandpa.
- What do you know?
I enter...
I smile.
I approach the guard
and I say...
Hey, hey, hold it.
You don't speak to the guard.
We've changed the plan.
You go straight to Simona.
What are you talking about?
You can't take away my line.
What line?
I have based my entire
characterization on the guard line.
You take that away,
there's no Alfred.
I have nothing to work with.
You were only supposed to tell
the guard, "Hi, I'm here for Simona."
Precisely! That's Alfred
in a nutshell!
Do you love her?
What? Why?
You have the look, you know,
the look of love in your eyes.
No. No, no, no,
Sigi is a charming girl, but...
The thing is,
she has asked me to her house.
Now, I am not going
but she said something about divorce,
and she wanted me
to see her place.
How come my dreams
are happening to him?
I won't go, of course.
- You're going there,
and you're going to remember
every detail!
And please, if you can,
bring me her underwear, you know,
the one with the rope
getting into her ass.
And maybe
you're gonna need this.
She's too young!
- So what?
Yves Montand was 75
when he married a woman
in the age of 22.
The French are always
marrying their daughters.
Give me a gun,
I'm going to kill the Brit.
Michael, listen to me.
Nick is right. Go to Sigi.
And remember, in Israel
if a woman asks if you want coffee,
she wants to go to bed.
And use only half.
If you use one, it can blow your head.
Look what happened to me.
Hello, madame,
you look good.
- Thank you.
I'm alone here, so just a minute.
Coffee?
No.
Yes, yes, coffee, yes...
Coffee!
Finally.
You tell your stupid father 5:00...
Your English teacher.
- I don't want to.
Shut up or I'll kick you,
I'm concerned for your future,
you have a teacher
from London here,
at last an American.
- I don't feel like it.
This is the boy.
Michael will learn you English.
Hello.
English lesson for the 7th grade.
Cry Wolf.
You know this story?
It's all about a little boy
who cried wolf so often,
eventually nobody
believed him and then...
Eureka!
Hey, hey!
I've worked out
how to stop the silent alarm.
How was it?
Great. Great!
Here's your G-string.
Okay.
I know how to stop the alarm.
We cry wolf.
You go to the bank...
Hello, good morning.
I am Michael Simpson.
Lord Michael Simpson.
Lord.
I am the director
of the Voluntary Association
for Old Brave Jewish Terrorists
who founded
this wonderful overheated country
and I need a short-term loan
in cash.
Please sit down, Lord Simpson.
- Thank you.
How much do you need?
- Two million Euros, por favor.
It's a stick-up!
A stick-up!
That man is a bank robber!
What on earth is going on?
- He's a bank robber!
He has a rifle! It's a stick-up!
Search him!
It's a stick-up!
Down on the floor!
- Manager!
Get down, get down!
It's a stick-up!
Can't you see it's a stick-up?!
Everyone calm down!
Calm down,
you're all safe! Calm down!
Nobody move.
I told them. That's Nick.
What did you see, Nick?
He had a rifle.
He said you had a gun.
He saw you with a gun.
I saw, he had a rifle.
It's just an umbrella.
That's okay.
Where do you live, Gramps?
In an old-age home.
Come, Nick.
Come along.
- Mr. Dedi.
Get up. Come along.
It's all right.
- It's all right.
Everyone go back to work,
it's all right.
And then, a week later,
Nick goes back to the bank
and shouts again.
It's a stick-up!
He has a knife!
It's a stick-up!
He has a knife!
Everybody down. I saw it!
It's a stick-up!
Manager, it's a stick-up!
First thing,
you get rid of those bars.
What is this,
the gorilla cage at the zoo?
Do you even have insurance
for that thing?
My late security manager
thought it was necessary.
Dedi, please. We're a joke.
And next time
that poor old man
yells "stick-up,"
if anyone sets off
the silent alarm,
disable it.
You hear, Vlada?
That's my decision,
disable the silent alarm.
They installed a silent alarm
that cost the government
10 million dollars
and the police had it disabled
just because some old man yelled
"stick-up" at the bank.
What a screw-up!
And that's not all,
all three old men were diagnosed
with advanced dementia
five days apart from each other.
You don't think
they were senile?
You can't put someone
with dementia on trial.
So how's school, pal?
I listen to the teachers carefully
so I know exactly
what not to do.
Do you know the most important rule
I've learned as a bank manager?
Don't be greedy.
You can even learn from morons.
I can see why you say that.
Dedi, can I have a moment
alone with Jonathan? - Sure.
I'll call you later.
- Dorit.
He asked us
to move in with him.
Mom, I'll take care of us,
I'll get you the money.
You can't spend all your time
at the old-age home.
He's my grandfather
and he's my friend.
He isn't anyone's friend,
he only cares about himself.
When your dad was young,
he took him to a movie
and left him there
to go see another woman.
I don't believe it.
He's loyal to Grandma,
you should see how he treats her.
That isn't love,
that's guilt.
You didn't let him come
to my bris.
When I was pregnant with you
Eliyahu and Rhoda met with me.
They tried to convince me
to have an abortion,
to kill you. You see?
That's what
your grandfather wanted.
You don't know
what's best for me.
I'm not doing this for you,
I'm doing it for me.
I need to be loved.
Everyone has their weaknesses
and I'm in love with Dedi.
That's Dad's picture.
Where will you put it
when you move in with Dedi?
Do you want him to see you
with another man? - Stop it!
So what if
you're smarter than me?
So what if you have
a smart-ass answer to everything?
You think it's easy for me?
That I don't feel terrible about it?
But how long do I have to wait?
I loved your father,
but a 40-year-old woman can't
move to an old-age home and die.
Nick,
remember, "only death can
release us from the ranks."
Yalla, Yalla!
Let's go and hunt those elephants!
Mr. Gurevitch,
please come with me.
Don't forget to break
the security camera.
Are you crazy?
Break the camera? Never.
Simona!
I'm ready for my close-up.
It's such an honor
to have you here, Lord Simpson.
Your money's here,
two million Euros, in the safe.
You can call me Alfred.
It's a kind of nickname.
Jonathan...
Dedi.
Good afternoon. - Hello!
Good afternoon, Mr. Simpson.
Lord Simpson.
- Oh, sorry. Please have a seat.
Okay then, you want
your two million Euros. - Yes.
Small denominations, used.
Unmarked.
Do you have a guarantee?
- I'm a walking guarantee.
Such a great humor.
It's a stick-up!
It's a stick-up!
Good, Nick, good...
Who set off the alarm?
Disable it now.
Tell the police to forget it.
I'm sorry, you have to leave.
I was just kidding, I...
I'm here to deposit money.
Then sit here and don't
make trouble, okay? - Okay.
Good.
Hold these.
Put them on me.
Good.
Do you need the restroom?
No, I'm using a mobile.
Nick, you can't stand here.
Go sit down.
I want to stand there.
What'll you do to me?
That door must stay open,
it's the security room.
Nick, do as I say
or you're out.
What's the big deal?
Do I look 5 years old to you?
Nick, with all due respect,
go sit over there, you hear me?
And what if I don't?
What'll you do to me?
What'll you do to me?
What'll you do to me?
Nick.
Nick, what are you doing?
- Is he crazy?
Now I want to stand here.
What'll you do?
He's supposed to be a hostage.
What'll you do now?
I want to stand here.
What'll you do?
Nick...
Don't move.
Put down the gun,
Nick, you hear me?
Put down the gun.
Shit...
Things are out of control.
I took the security guard's gun.
Damn it...
This is a stick-up!
This is a stick-up!
Get down, you,
this is a stick-up!
Nick, Nick, are you robbing me?
You're our client.
Are you surprised?
You should've read
the fine print.
And what happens to people
who can't read the fine print?
Don't move.
Nobody move!
Everyone calm down.
Lie down on the floor.
The floor's clean.
It's just been washed,
we're insured, don't worry
about the stick-up.
Everybody!
I have a monologue!
Oh, evil, I listen carefully...
What's he doing, Grandpa?
He wanted a monologue.
Like an idiot, I listened to you.
...in times of war
parts played may alter,
the kidnapper sometimes
becomes the prisoner!
Son of a bitch,
what is he doing?
Grandpa, I think
he's trying to say something.
Simona!
- I'm coming!
Nick will kidnap us...
we'll stick to the plan,
it'll work.
Stop crying!
- I can't.
Stop crying, look presentable.
Everyone, look presentable,
this is a bank.
Don't hurt us!
Lie down, old man,
on the floor.
Jonathan,
what are you doing here?
Lie down.
Kid, come to the safe with me.
You, Hamlet, too.
Don't move, don't move!
The security guard's gun is loaded.
Don't hurt the boy.
Don't hurt him,
he has a wonderful mother.
The safe.
Don't move. - Lie down, old man.
- Don't move.
I don't know
what came over me.
Suddenly, I was holding a gun.
Continue as planned.
Tell us to open the safe.
Open the safe, kid.
Thank you.
Move it!
You too!
It was...
What's wrong with this?
- It's mechanical, just turn it.
Let me help you.
- Yes.
Hold it, please.
Nick, we have to hurry.
The cops will be here soon.
Don't do anything!
This is a hostage situation!
He has a bomb!
Allah Akbar!
Allah Akbar!
No!
What did I do?
You don't know who I am!
You don't know...
- Stop it!
Idiot!
Jonathan...
It's all right, Jonathan,
it's all right.
Vlada, enough.
Lord Simpson, I'm so sorry.
It's all under control now.
That's perfectly all right.
Excuse me. Excuse me!
I believe this is yours.
Simona... I have been
so worried about you.
Are you all right? - It was horrible.
- Yes, of course.
There, there, there...
I'm sure
everything will be well.
I have to be somewhere now.
Excuse me.
Oh, would you get my umbrella
and my hat?
Go home and keep quiet.
They'll keep Nick here
in the senile ward.
Nobody knows
you were involved.
You'll be fine
if you keep your mouth shut.
Grandpa,
my mom wants us
to move in with Dedi.
It's... far away.
I won't be able to see you
every day.
That's great.
Dedi has money.
You'll go to a school for the gifted
like you always wanted.
I don't really want to.
Why not? You cried like a baby
that you wanted to.
I want to be with you.
- What for?
What do you want with some old men
who have 5 minutes left to live?
I'd be glad
if you stopped coming.
Grandpa,
don't do this to me, not now.
I know you're not like this.
Don't tell me what I'm like.
What do you know? Spoiled brat...
You can't go to school
without getting beaten up.
You're pissed that we blew it.
That you're too old
to rob a bank,
that you're useless old fogies.
I'm too old?
We blew it because of
your stupid plan.
Listen, you loser,
you and your wimpy
English genes,
you're a loser
just like your dad.
I won't let you argue with me
like you did with Dad.
What did I do to him?
You left him at a movie
and went to see another woman.
He wasn't supposed to see that.
That dimwit was supposed
to watch the movie.
But he couldn't stand
being alone for 5 minutes.
I don't get it,
you love Grandma.
Nobody loves anyone so much
that they don't want to sleep
with another woman.
You wanted them
to have an abortion.
You didn't want me.
Your mother got pregnant
and had my son by the balls.
He should've done better,
he was a genius
but he threw it all away.
A security guard at a bank.
Who cares about your troubles?
Do I owe you anything?
Your mother's spreading her legs
for your sake.
Maybe she isn't as crazy
as we thought.
Go buy her some flowers.
Get out of my sight.
Nick.
Nick.
Jonathan, sonny-boy,
good to see you.
Was there anything
on the news?
Where's Grandpa?
Nick, where's Grandpa?
He went to rob the bank,
like in the good old days.
You walk in with a gun,
fire into the air and yell:
"A free country for a free people! "
- No!
No, they'll kill him,
they'll be waiting for him.
Eliyahu thought of everything,
he took out life insurance
30 years ago
and now he listed you as beneficiary
instead of Rhoda.
If anything happens, God forbid,
it's all yours.
Jonathan!
Hello. Dedi's busy,
he can't see you now.
What is this?
Another stick-up?
Twice in a week?
I'm changing mezuzahs,
what are you doing?
Eliyahu came into my room,
broke my nose,
and said, "That's for Dorit."
Then he smashed
my top row of teeth,
60,000 shekels' worth.
He said,
"That's so you'll open the safe."
What did you do?
I opened the safe.
I sued the bank.
I received no damages, no pension.
I tripped up on the fine print.
I have a gun here,
nobody moves or I'll shoot!
I have a gas can here,
I'll burn the bank down!
Good thing you're here.
Give me the bag.
The cameras aren't working,
nobody will know
you came in or went out.
Put it in.
I'll help you up.
I'm staying here,
Don't worry, those shitheads
won't take me alive.
Like Kasparov,
sometimes you sacrifice the king
if you want to win.
But...
I don't want you
to die because of me.
It's enough I killed Dad.
Shh, kid.
Nobody died because of you.
I can see you, shitheads!
Don't move or I'll shoot!
Kids and old people
are transparent.
Walk out slowly and whistle.
You're coming with me.
All my life
I never did anything right,
not as a father,
not as a husband.
I didn't even have the guts
to kill Rhoda when I should have.
Now I have a chance
to be a grandfather,
your grandfather.
Take the money, Jonathan,
go, go, my boy, go.
Go, it's okay. Go.
Go, run.
Run! Go! Go!
I have a gun!
Stay away or I'll shoot!
Duke...
- Grandpa is hurt.
Duke, what happened
in the bank?
We did it. I got the money.
Look, we're attracting attention. We've
got to get away from here. Come on.
No. I... I have to go back
to save Grandpa.
You can't go back.
I have to. He's dying there.
Duke, your grandfather
sacrificed himself for you.
You can't give the money back.
You'd be better off burning it.
Maybe that's not such a bad idea.
Samoha, do me a favor.
- Don't shoot!
I'll get him out.
My grandfather's in there.
Call an ambulance.
Kid!
He's burning the money.
Shit, he's burning the money,
who burns money?
Who burns money?!
Jonathan went through
a traumatic experience.
His grandfather has Alzheimer's
and exhibited violent behavior
which Jonathan witnessed.
Please give him
the respect he deserves
and be kind to your friend
who bravely tried to stop
a bank robbery.
I see the MP3 still records.
It doesn't work,
it just lights up.
You know he flunked twice?
Son, you have to get along
with people less smarter than you.
You have enough problems
as it is.
I don't...
I don't stutter like I used to.
Nick, what's she thinking about?
She's a nymphomaniac,
she hasn't had any
since last night,
it's driving her nuts
and she wants more and more,
and now she's here all alone
and she's horny as hell
and she needs...
Eliyahu's crank.
I think my bank robber came
just a little ahead of my Oliver Twist.
I was there,
I was in the moment.
You wrote a play
about the bank robbery,
and in that play
the boy and your character
didn't burn most of the money.
Is this what happened
in real life?
Absolutely not.
No, I deny that totally.
That was all fiction.
The bank manager Dedi,
before he was fired,
also claimed that he doesn't think
that you burned most of the money,
but the cops didn't believe him.
No, no.
Anyway, I have Alzheimer's.
You can't give the money back.
You'd be better off burning it.
Maybe that's not such a bad idea.
We'll just burn 15 percent.
I'm used to it. I have an agent.
Nick, wake up,
I know you're not in a coma.
Well, I tried.
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