[KEYBOARD CLACKING,
BUTTONS BEEPING]
[VERDI'S "LIBIAMO NE'LIETI
CALICI" PLAYING]
[LAUGHING]
[GRUNTING]
[SIRENS APPROACHING]
[G.H.O.S.T. & XL'S
"LOCKED DOWN" PLAYING]
This goes out to all
My people
Lost in the system
Whoa
A lockdown
Whoa
Whoa
Smile for the camera
Whoa
They can't keep me in here
Forever
I see you walkin'
With your head down
Locked down
You got a right
To be scared now
Locked down
You never see the light
Of the sun
Only suits and khaki
'Cause your life is done
Uh, uh
Take your place
At your two-man cell
Think about the good times
But crime got you
Into hell
A bad decision
Just look at how you lived it
You wastin' away
With lonely years
You were given
Maybe your alcohol
Made you lose your mind
No, merely, it was just
A wrong space and time
So tell me
What could be worse?
You're feeling down
On your luck
Why your cellmate
Staring, like, what?
Is there a problem?
[DOOR BUZZING
IN BACKGROUND]
You're that guy.
Yeah, you're that guy
with the crazy family.
Yeah. Harvey.
Harvey Wallbanger.
Yeah, that's it.
That's you.
Bellinger.
Ah, well. Tell you what,
Harvey Barringer,
better make yourself
at home.
You gonna be here
a while.
Don't worry,
I'm not here for long.
["LOCKED IN" CONTINUING]
MAN:
Bellinger.
Showtime.
[LOCK CLICKS]
Years later
I'm still doin' hard time
Locked down
Convicted felon
Prayin' for a peace of mind
I watch time
What else can I do?
'Cause in jail, the system
Really trash you
I can't see another year
Bein' locked down
I can't take another charge
Or be knocked down
Shackled and chained
I wanna see my lawyer
"Man, I can't do nothin'
For you"
So where the governor at?
MAN 1: Who's up next here?
MAN 2: Bellinger, Harvey A.
MAN 1: Oh, yes. Yes.
MAN 2: The arsonist.
We have a half hour
with him.
No, no. No,
not a half hour.
I'm hungry.
It's late.
[WHISPERS]
Lunchtime.
[CHAIR SCRAPES]
[SIGHS]
Bellinger,
Harvey A.?
Yes.
I'm Deputy Commissioner Orr.
This is
Commissioner Rishwain.
And District
Hearing Agent Tanaka.
You've got 10 minutes.
HARVEY:
All right.
Lydia Anne Layton.
[]
She was the wet dream
of every teenage boy
from Pasadena
to Pennsylvania.
She did, uh,
some modeling,
few B movies...
but her real moment of glory
was her Playboy pictorial.
"Screen Sirens, 1975."
[MOANING]
RISHWAIN:
Stop right there.
Are you for real?
Do not make the mistake
of mocking this panel.
Okay, what does this
have to do with arson?
HARVEY:
Setup and payoff.
Yeah, if I don't set it up
properly, the payoff,
the fire, will make
absolutely no sense,
and you'll never know
why I did it
or if I'll do it again.
You've got eight minutes.
[INHALES]
So I got married...
to a woman just like Mom.
[]
That was my first mistake.
And after 17 years of
the American dream...
[WOMAN MOANING]
...I find my wife
doing the sprinkler guy
in the garage.
[GROANS]
She got the house,
I got the payments.
And let us not forget,
a job...
selling toilets.
[DANCE MUSIC PLAYING]
The one truly perfect result
of our unholy union...
my little girl, Audrey.
She was nothing
like her mother, thank God.
Perfect little princess.
[MOANING]
Oh.
[SIREN APPROACHING]
Ah!
OFFICER [ON BULLHORN]:
This is the L.A.P.D.
Everyone in a single line.
Have your ID cards
and/or driver's license ready.
HARVEY: If it had not
been for her one night
of teenage indiscretion,
I would never have run headlong
into my destiny:
Lydia...
Anne...
Layton.
Screen siren, 1975.
And, of course...
[NEEDLE SCRATCHES]
...the product of
her unholy first union,
the demon seed.
[HELICOPTER
WHIRRING]
It wasn't long
before I was gone.
[PIANO PLAYING]
So, Audrey,
your dad tells me
that you and Colby
actually knew each other
before our little run-in
with the police.
Uh...
Uh, well, uh--
Well, we're
in the same class?
Cool. So you guys
are buds.
Yeah.
Uh, we're really
quite close.
Ah. Well. This is the first
I've heard of it.
[CHUCKLES]
That's excellent.
HARVEY:
So everything was perfect.
We were like two kids in love.
It was amazing.
[PACHELBEL'S "CANON
IN D MINOR" PLAYING]
I can't believe
this is happening.
This is so weird.
Yep.
Our deal still
stands, right?
No one is to know.
I got your word?
Water under the bridge.
Ugh.
[]
[MAN CLEARS THROAT]
MAN 2: Sorry, bro.
HARVEY: Any of you know
the true meaning of obsession?
And I'm talking
roll-up-your-sleeves,
pull-your-head-out-of-your--
pardon my colorful language
--ass, lost-all-common-sense
obsession.
RISHWAIN:
Eh, okay, we get the picture.
Uh, no. I don't
think you do.
[]
[WOMAN MOANING]
[GRUNTING]
[GASPING]
[MOANING]
[GRUNTING]
RISHWAIN:
Mr. Bellinger, this board
is not the slightest bit
interested
in your sexual exploits,
no matter how imaginative.
Well,
uh...
turns out
that, uh,
sex...was the more benign
of Lydia's addictions.
[PHONE DIALING,
MODEM CONNECTING]
Remember early 2000?
Come on, Intel.
The beginning of the end.
And I'm not talking Y2K.
Come on, Intel.
Come on.
We were all gonna get rich.
Stupid rich.
Emphasis on "stupid."
The NASDAQ had climbed
from 1500 to 5000
in a little over a year.
Come on, Intel.
Everyone and their second
cousin's dog was day trading.
But things were just
starting to unravel.
Like a cheap sweater.
Sixty seven
and five-eighths. Wha--?
I've got the confirmation number
right here: YTO376.
Good morning, Dow Jones.
[WHIMPERS]
I made mommy an espresso.
Come on.
Come on, WorldCom. Come on.
Not in that direction.
Not in that direction.
That direction. Yes!
[RINGS]
Finally. Yes!
Thanks, sweets. I almost got
caught with my pants down
this morning, with
all my short positions.
The market's gone berserk.
Everything's going up.
Thankfully, I saved the day
by covering my short positions
and going long on everything.
Just made 7 grand in
20 minutes. How about that?
Huh? Yeah, I'm still here.
Hm?
I love you. Now...
don't forget to
pick up the costumes.
The place closes at 5.
W-what? What?
[]
So you're telling me
I have no margin left to trade?
I had 150K yesterday,
and now I'm 150K underwater?
MAN [ON PHONE]:
I'm sorry, ma'am.
It looks like they changed
the margin rate on your JDSU
from 35 percent to 50 percent.
[WHIMPERS]
You can't do that.
[DOG YELPS]
[GASPS]
[DOG WHIMPERING]
Oh.
Credit cards, credit cards.
[]
Oh.
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
Ooh
[TIRES SQUEALING]
[]
[COMPUTERS BEEPING]
[WHISPERS]
Very good.
Harv?
Oh.
Here you go.
Uh--
Harvey, um--
I'm missing
page three.
And I need
page two.
Harvey...
what is all
this stuff?
Remake orders for
another 2314 re-glazes
on fixtures for
Landmark CMT.
[]
Yeah, I'm sorry, ma'am.
This one was declined as well.
Look at my face, honey.
I'm a hormonal menace.
And if I have to hear
"I'm sorry, ma'am"
one more time,
I'm gonna have to hit somebody.
Oh. This is Lydia Anne Layton
Bellinger. What is the problem?
WOMAN: I'm sorry, ma'am.
Excuse me?
Lydia Anne Layton. You were
in It Lives part 1 and 2.
You were
great in those.
[SIGHS]
Ma'am?
[WHIMPERS]
Ma'am?
Harvey...
got a minute?
[PATS BACK]
Yeah.
LYDIA: I can't believe
they did this to you.
Well, you can hardly
blame them, Mom.
I mean, Harv here can barely
operate a microwave.
I'd have cut you loose
long ago,
hired a couple of
hungry Young Turks
for the hit they took
paying you.
'Course the company would get
nailed on the benefits.
But if you run the numbers,
at the end of the day,
it was a good call.
Uh, I mean,
for the company.
For you, it sucks.
Can't you ever just shut up?
Hey. Hey!
It sucks for all of us.
We're a family. Come on, Colby.
MAN [ON TV]: You don't get
to be number one in anything.
I don't care if you're
playing Ping-Pong.
[CLICKS MUTE]
[WATER RUNNING,
TEETH BRUSHING]
That unctuous
Wharton pinhead
said I was an analog
dinosaur.
LYDIA: Honey, you
had an off-day.
Don't work yourself
into a midlife crisis.
Well, who's
kidding who?
I sell toilets
for a living, Lydia.
When you need a place
to shit, you come to me.
Yeah, but you're
the best at it.
[SIGHS]
You don't have to sell toilets.
You could get
any sales job you wanted.
You're just trying
to pump me up.
I haven't begun
to pump you up.
[]
You're not the only one
that's going to be doing
some sucking tonight,
my dear count.
Hm.
AUDREY: Dad, I'm
looking for Dow's leash.
[GASPS]
[GROANING]
[BOTH SCREAM]
LYDIA: Oh, my God!
Ah!
Get in.
AUDREY: Oh, my God!
[WHINES]
[HARVEY
CHUCKLING]
All right, so then what?
HARVEY: Well, it was
time for the analog dinosaur
to face the digital jungle.
I assume you know how
to use your PowerPoint.
To squirt the bird--
With tons of spam.
The bigger your bandwidth...
The better your chances...
For an extended hard drive--
In the lap link--
With the fastest processor--
Known to man.
I'm sure you know--
That digital compression--
Can make for unsatisfactory
performance.
You have to be familiar--
With adequate protection.
From viruses.
After the inevitable download--
Of your MPEG--
You'll have to take your TIFF.
GIF.
And zip it.
But only after--
The hardware turns to--
Software.
Because if you wind up with a--
Breach in the stream or a--
Leak in your firewall--
You'll hire a specialist--
To determine if the problem--
Is in your chips
or your salsa.
Any questions?
RISHWAIN: Okay, okay,
okay. Mr. Bellinger.
Is there the slightest relevant
fact in our foreseeable future?
Because your 10 minutes
are over, and it's lunch.
O-Or-- Or we could order in
and-- And work through.
There's a Noah's Bagel
down the road.
Oh. C-could I have a-a Nova lox
on a poppy seed bagel?
Uh, maybe a crunchy
dill pickle, please?
Make that two pickles.
LYDIA:
Thank God for cash advances.
...following reporting
of consumer confidence...
[]
What the--?
[BEEPING]
[PHONE DIALING]
WOMAN:
Bruce Horton's office.
This is Lydia Bellinger.
723-1992.
My account is frozen.
What's up?
I'm sorry, ma'am, but we've
had to suspend your trading.
What do you mean,
no more trading?
Bill Gates, Harvard dropout,
60 billion.
Michael Dell, 16 billion,
quit UT.
Steve Jobs dropped out
after one semester
and went on to build
a little company called Apple.
The list goes on and on, Mom.
There's just no point in
wasting time in college.
A full 18 percent of
every billionaire in America
never even got
a college diploma.
I can't afford the setback
in terms of years.
It might be
too late already.
The IPO window
is closing fast.
HARVEY:
Okay. Listen up.
What's wrong
with you?
Nothing.
Okay.
I've been putting
this off,
hoping things would
somehow turn around,
but, uh, we're gonna have
to batten down the hatches,
dip into our nest egg.
Let's all have
a prayer of thanks
for your mom's
residuals.
[SCOFFS]
Now, I'm expecting you both
to be very grown-up
about this.
Audrey?
Yep.
All nonessentials...
are history
until we turn
things around.
Satellite, cable, DSL,
piano, tap dancing,
restaurants, magazine
subscriptions, tango lessons,
horseback riding, tennis, yoga,
Dr. Jacobs.
You guys wanna keep
any of this stuff,
you're gonna have
to get jobs.
And your cars...
Unless you come up
with the money
to cover
the insurance...
we're selling 'em.
[]
No car?
How am I supposed to
get to school?
It's called a bus,
Audrey.
You know. Bus.
All of it?!
It's all gone?
It's not as bad
as it sounds.
What does that mean?
Many are unrealized losses.
To whom?
I realize the losses
perfectly well.
As long as we don't sell,
it's just on paper.
This is pretty much
the bottom of the market.
You said it was
going up.
It was.
This is just, uh,
a little correction.
Little? We're wiped out.
You've gotta think
long-term. Over time,
these are sure winners.
We're talking Enron here.
Oh.
WorldCom, Global Crossing.
It's not like I gambled
on some fly-by-night
penny stocks.
These are blue-chip plays.
Ah.
[SIGHS]
[SOBS]
We're fucked.
[SIGHS]
Just fucked.
You know what
this means, don't you?
We're gonna be living
off of our credit cards.
What?
I just-- Well, I sort of
took out some cash advances.
Sort of?
Just to cover some
margin calls!
[ROARS]
[SOBBING]
[]
Harvey!
You gambled
our life savings away.
Those are
my life savings, first off.
Well, I see.
When it's convenient,
they're your life savings.
When it's debts,
they're my debts.
[GRUNTS]
Well, here's
your computer.
Put that down this instant!
Okay.
Harvey!
[GROANS]
Harvey!
[SCREAMS, GASPS]
Well. I guess
we don't have to worry
about that problem anymore.
[SOBBING]
You fucking jerk!
[CRYING]
Oh, my God.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hm.
Colby!
It's your girlfriend.
WOMAN:
What the hell's going on?
Old Harv pulled the plug
on the nonessentials
'cause he's too obsolete
to find a job.
AUDREY [MUFFLED]: She,
like, bent over the tailgate
of his four-by-four
behind the theater,
and he drove her
all the way home.
GIRL [ON PHONE]:
No way.
Way. Why do you think
she's been standing in class
for, like, a week?
Don't eavesdrop, Randi.
You, of all people,
are gonna lecture me
on the morality of privacy?
You spend
your days and nights
looking at naked chicks
on the Web.
Oh, yeah. No.
I mean, you don't have to.
Here.
AUDREY [OVER COMPUTER]:
Oh, my God. Would you?
I mean, I wonder what
a rear delivery feels like.
Could you ever?
No way.
Well, I don't know.
Maybe.
If I were really drunk,
for the right guy.
Do you hear an echo?
GIRL:
What do you mean, echo? No.
You know, rumor has it,
when you were really drunk,
your stepbro
was the right guy.
[GASPS]
Um...
What?!
Oh!
TOY: I'm Comet the
Hippo. Wanna play?
Hmm.
You fucking little prick!
How dare you!
Whoa! I thought
we had a deal.
Nancy knows.
If she fucking knows,
the whole goddamn school
knows, you asshole!
Chill.
Nobody cares.
Besides, I never told Nancy.
You told your little freak
friend here, didn't you?
I'm the freak
friend.
Randi, did I ever
tell you
Audrey and I had
drunken, messy,
and not-that-impressive
silly sex
in a momentary lapse
of judgment last year
in a bathroom stall?
[WHINES]
Mm?
Sorry.
Guess I did.
Must have slipped.
God!
What's the big deal?
Oh, hey now! Come on!
Whoa.
How much do you like
your toy here, Colby,
you asshole loser?
Look-- Heh.
Come on now, Audrey.
That cost nearly 5 grand.
You heard what
your dad said!
Promise me you'll deny
anything ever happened.
COLBY:
Okay, okay!
Say it! Say "I promise."
I promise. I'll
deny ever having
uninteresting,
lame sex with you. Oh--
If you don't deny this,
you are one dead asshole!
Audrey, who's gonna
believe you two ever had sex?
Really?
Rumors, that's it.
Say "I'm a loser."
You're a loser.
[GASPS]
Okay. Okay.
I'm a loser.
Now say, "I'm the biggest
loser in school,
and I have a little
limp dick."
Well, you know firsthand,
or mouth, that's a total lie.
Okay. Okay.
I'm the biggest
loser in school,
and I have
a little dick.
Louder! And it's
"little limp dick."
I'm the biggest loser in school,
and I have a limp little dick.
Now can I have
my computer?
Mm.
Sure.
Oops. Must have slipped.
Oh!
[COMPUTER CRUNCHES]
You bitch!
[AUDREY SHRIEKS]
Get
back here.
Come here.
AUDREY: Oh, my God.
RANDI:
Colby! Stop.
No! Ow!
RANDI:
Come on, let her go.
Ahh!
[GROANS]
I got your limp dick.
RANDI:
Colby! Come on.
Get off me. Get off.
Oh, my God! What
have you done to her hair?
His psycho daughter
decimated my laptop.
Daddy, it was an accident.
I didn't mean to.
Oh, well. It seems to
run in the family.
HARVEY:
Hold tight, hon.
Mom, it was deliberate.
She did it on purpose.
HARVEY:
Is this true?
[MOANS]
Daddy, I didn't
mean to.
You fucking liar!
Hey, watch
your tongue!
That's it. Go
into your room.
Randi,
time to go home.
Grab
some ice.
[DOOR SLAMS]
[SIGHS]
You all right?
[]
[GIRLS MOANING, LAUGHING
ON COMPUTER]
[GIRL SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
GIRL:
Ah!
[SQUEALING, LAUGHING]
Love it!
Oh! Ah!
Ah
[KEYS CLACKING]
Da-da-da, da, da
Da, da
Da-da-da-da
Da
Da-da-da, da, da, da, da
[BRAKES SCREECH]
Da-da-da-da
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[SCANNER BEEPING]
[G TOM MAC'S "I SEE YOU"
PLAYING]
Watch you, watch me
See you through my naked eye
Watch the future
Turn up your TV
Look at what
You've never seen
There are no limits
To the modern spy
If you want to be
My future star
[DRILL WHIRRING]
All you've got to do
Is open up your windows
Up to mine
Every day is prime time
Never mind your cable days
They're so over
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Take a look around
There's the future
Goin' down
Am I gonna
Change the world?
I don't think so today
Ooh-wah today
I see you...
WOMAN:
I knew this day would come.
I see the way you people live.
There's something
systematically wrong
with your entire generation.
Consume, consume.
Spend, spend.
You have always lived
beyond your means.
It's been your problem
your whole life.
Doris, I think you're
being a little unfair here.
I'll get to you
in a second.
This is
the most pampered,
self-indulgent era
in history.
Now look where
it's gotten you.
COLBY: How about
SeeMySister'sSkankyAss.com?
[KEYS CLACKING]
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Taken.
RANDI:
Try SeeMySister'sAss.com.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
It's taken.
Every possible combination
of words is friggin' taken.
My naked sister
and her lesbian friends.
[COLBY TYPING]
It's too long.
Yeah, but what
a grabber, huh?
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Colby, do you, um--
Do you think I'm pretty?
Ahh, umm...
Yeah, I'd say
you're pretty smart.
And I'd take smart over pretty
any day of the week.
So...
"My Sister's Naked Ass."
So, how much
should we charge?
I was thinking a buck a hit
or something.
I mean, no one takes you
seriously
unless you charge 'em.
Hm. Wait.
What about "I See You"?
I like that one.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
Taken.
Wait. Why don't
you try, um--
Try it with hyphens.
Like, "I-hypen-See-
hypen-You"?
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
You're a genius.
I love you.
Get out of here.
You had no idea this was
going on right under your nose?
Nope.
Now, let me
get this straight now.
Your voyeur stepson...
plants a camera
in his sister's room.
Then broadcasts it
over the Internet,
so that strangers
and perverts
can watch her undress?
Well, yeah.
HARVEY: Listen, we were
way ahead of the curve.
Survivor, the Simple Life,
Joe Millionaire, Big Brother.
Even My Big, Fat,
Obnoxious Fianc.
All these shows proved that
manufactured reality sells.
But you deliver the real deal,
you throw some skin in.
Hey, there's a lot of regular
guys like you and me
that'll pay cash to see
that sort of train wreck.
Not just freaks.
See, I think...
it's the-- The stark reality.
The fact that she did not
know anybody was watching.
See, that's what made it
so enticing.
No, no. I'll tell you
what made it so enticing.
The stark nakedness
of your daughter.
[]
That too.
Two-dollar peepshow.
It's unbelievable.
Well, it started out as a dollar
peepshow, but not for long.
Within a couple of months,
Colby not only got his revenge,
but a little windfall going.
He was making more money
than I was selling cars.
[BUZZING]
["JINGLE BELLS" PLAYING]
Dashing through the snow
In a one-horse open sleigh
Oh, we may have to
use this paper again next year.
We're laughing all the way
Bells on bob tails ring
Killer Piranhas?
It Lives,
part one, part two!
Oh, Lydia.
Where did you
find these?
Amazon.com.
The Net's
an amazing thing.
Thank you.
I love you.
LYDIA:
Mm. I love you.
Okay, then.
Oh, what fun it is...
To Audrey from Colby.
Jingle bells, jingle bells
Jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh
Batteries?
Yeah. You know,
for your toys?
Oh, you have
toys?
What sort of
toys, hon?
Well, let's see. She's got
the Spiky Salamander,
the Dura-Dong
Deep Drone...
[GASPS]
What?
Little prick!
Audrey.
Colby, what's
with you?
Yeah, what's this
all about?
Why can't you two
get along?
I know. It's like there's some
sexual tension or something.
[WOMEN GASP]
LYDIA:
Colby, you didn't.
What?
Colby!
Hey. It's a joke, Mom.
It's a joke.
A joke?
RANDI: Ha. Damn, things are
never that interesting over here.
Well, how'd they take it?
Yeah. I don't know if they
bought the whole "joke" thing.
[LAUGHS]
It's like a regular soap opera.
I swear, you should put
cameras in every room.
Yeah, right.
A camera in every room?
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Hey.
[G TOM MAC'S "I SEE YOU"
PLAYING]
I see you
I see you
[BEEP]
Watch you watch me
See you through my naked eye
Watch the picture
Turn off your TV
Look at what
You've never seen
There are no limits
To the modern spy
If you want to be
My future star
All you got to do is open up
Your windows up to mine
Every day is prime time
Never mind your cable days
There so over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Take a look around
Is the future going down?
Am I gonna change the world
I don't think so today
Ooh-wa, today
I see you in the click
Of real time
You could make it
What you like
I see you
From another point of view
Watching everything
You do
Watch what everybody
Wants to see through mine
Watch you, watch, you need me
On the reel
We can make it
Mass appeal
I see your vision
I can never lie
I see everything
And every move--
Look. Oh,
there's my mom.
All you really want to do
Open your windows
Up to mine
Every day is prime time
[GRUNTING]
They're so over
Yeah, yeah, yeah
Take a look around
Is the future going...
Well, that explains
a few things.
RANDI:
This is gonna be so weird.
And now, let's let the world
know we're here.
Credit card?
Mm.
Every room?
Even the bathroom?
No, every room except the little
maid's bathroom downstairs,
which no one hardly
used anyway.
Of course, Colby...
thoughtfully installed
four cameras
in my bathroom alone.
[FARTING]
[GRUNTS]
[]
Shit.
Great.
Uh.
WOMAN:
Hey, did you take my loofa?
Oh.
[LAUGHING]
Ew.
Oh, my god, Alicia. You have got
to come here and see this.
ALICIA: You used my
loofa again, didn't you?
Mm.
Oh, my God. Alicia.
Right now!
ALICIA:
What?
Oh!
[CHUCKLING]
Oh, my God, Alicia. You are
gonna miss the whole thing.
Get over here right now.
[WATER FLOWING]
[WOMAN MOANING]
Hey, Mike?
Have you ever met
Bellinger's wife?
No. But I'm
meeting her now.
[ALL CHUCKLING]
Hm.
[CHUCKLING]
[PHONE RINGING]
Hello.
Hey.
Hold on a second.
When they call?
They want to license the show?
Sweet.
We are gonna be so rich.
[UPBEAT TELEVISION
THEME PLAYING]
Oh, shit.
This can't be good.
Know where
your family is?
Don't look now.
They may be on
a PC near you.
Imagine having
your most private moments
Webcast for the whole world
to see at the click of a mouse.
Well, stop imagining.
It's here.
Meet the Bellingers,
the unwitting stars of
their own real-life sitcom.
Giving a whole new meaning
to family home entertainment.
Could this be the trend
of the future?
In-your-face reality TV?
Network executives say,
"No way."
How could you not know
what was going on?
I had pulled the plug
on the satellite, the cable,
canceled all the magazines.
For a brief moment in time...
We were literally
media castaways.
[]
[BOYS GIGGLE]
[GIGGLING]
Excuse me.
Is there a problem here?
How's Mr. Smuggles,
Audrey?
[BOTH GIGGLE]
How do you know my name?
Who's Mr. Smuggles?
Your teddy bear?
[BOTH LAUGH]
Audrey, we need
to talk.
[GASPING]
HARVEY: I'm telling you
this baby's a classic.
It started slowly at first.
People just stared.
Is that him?
And I felt terribly
self-conscious,
like my fly was always open
or something.
And then came the whispering,
the pointing, the giggling.
Yeah-- Oh.
And then it happened.
Ha.
[]
[SECRETARY SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
RECEPTIONIST:
Bryant Bocelli?
[GASPS]
Look at this:
leather-trimmed interior,
plenty of cup holders.
Make yourself comfortable
there, huh?
Look at the workmanship.
Kids, jump in.
Look at this, huh?
Your friends are
gonna like that--
Oh, they found
the magic third seat.
And especially for
you kids, VHS, DVD...
and local TV. Huh?
First, you got to watch
Survivor and Big Brother.
And now the World Wide Web is
bringing to a computer near you
The Bellingers.
If they weren't so real,
you'd think it was TV.
You can check this family's
crazy antics yourself
And you'll think your family...
Oh, my God.
...is suddenly really normal.
We leave you tonight
with Harvey Bellinger
in his rendition of
"You Made Me Love you."
We think.
Oh, yeah.
I didn't want to do it
[BOYS GIGGLE]
You--
Yeah, You know.
Let-- Let me--
Let me show you another one
of my favorite cars, okay?
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah,
I got, uh-- Come on.
We're in the eyeball
business.
Our job is to get
as many as we can.
The more we get,
the more ads we sell.
And in this shrinking
market,
you guys are
eyeball magnets.
This isn't TV,
and it's not film.
This isn't about big stars
or big productions.
This is about real people.
Reality.
It is the hippest, coolest
thing out there since...
fiction.
See, something about your
homegrown little creation here
has really plugged
into the Zeitgeist
of our target web demo.
And I think what we have here is
a Blair Witch effect.
You got the key in the door
to the next big thing.
And we wanna help you
turn the key.
And open the door.
We do.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS,
PHONE RINGING]
RECEPTIONIST:
Good morning. Insytive.
One moment, please.
[BOTH SCREAMING]
Hello?
Mom?
Audrey?
Hello?
Mom?
Audrey?
Harvey?
Hello?
Audrey?
Mom?
Where is everybody?
Whoa!
Hey. Hey!
Easy!
AUDREY:
I'm completely ruined!
Hey! Whoa!
I can't go back
to school!
What the hell
were you thinking?
Colby Allen, do you
have any idea
how awful this is
for us?!
I-I-- I think there is something
seriously wrong with you.
Forget about
what you've done to me,
what about your poor mother?
I am so humiliated.
I am
so embarrassed!
How could you take advantage
of your family like this?
I can't believe
you're my son.
Ah! Are you
all quite finished?
Okay. Now, before you all have
a collective meltdown,
let me just point out that
there have been
some positive benefits
to this so-called disaster.
We're on the verge
of a seven-figure deal
with one of the fastest
Internet plays around.
They love us.
Okay?
Not to mention, that
over the last five weeks,
we've brought in
an average of, oh, 17K a week.
Hi.
You are an unscrupulous
opportunist, Colby.
You're not gonna pimp out
your family for profit.
Did you say 17,000?
A week?
[]
HARVEY:
Yes, it's a lot of money,
but I don't see how you plan
to keep this charade going.
Look...we go about
our business as usual.
Nothing's changed.
We don't have cable,
we don't read.
What makes you think people
are gonna keep on watching?
Hah. You kidding?
The public loves this shit.
I can see the day when
there's nothing else on TV.
Unedited
dysfunctional real life.
Total exposure,
unvarnished?
And we've got the eyeballs
to prove it.
I don't think you understand
what those eyeballs
have seen me do.
You mean to say, there's...
cameras in the bathroom?
Hm.
Aah!
Whoa!
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
What? He's my son. I can
kill him if I want to. Hey.
Look.
The money we're talking about
is unbelievable.
And Mom...
you'd be back in your element.
Wouldn't it
be nice to
put all those hard years
of acting back to use?
Yeah.
Are you--? Uh--
Are you guys serious?
HARVEY: My dear child, I don't
know how to put this to you,
but we can't make
next month's mortgage.
Besides, Colby
may have a point.
We, uh-- We just
ride it out.
When everyone gets bored,
take the money and run.
It's not gonna
last long anyway.
It never does.
What's the worst
that can happen?
So, Insytive flew
Randi and Colby
to New York
during spring break.
Uh, they closed the deal.
Colby, of course,
lied about his age.
So how'd you convince
your leading lady
to keep up the show?
Lydia?
[LAUGHS]
She's an actor. Come on.
Your daughter.
Ooh.
Misgivings about that one.
Not my proudest
moment as a father.
Let's just
say we...
met her terms
and conditions.
[BEEPING]
Uh...
Hey, asswipe.
[SIGHS]
Hm?
Guess who got her
bandages off today?
[]
Sweet mother of Moses.
They're ginormous.
Ow.
In your freaking
dreams, loser.
Is that post-surgical swelling,
or the way they--
[OPENS SODA CAN]
Or the way they...
Not bad.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[]
Honey. I'm home!
Hello, darling.
Daddy!
How was
your day?
Just swell.
Mm.
Daddy!
How's my little princess?
Colby, my son. I see you're
back from your spring break.
Wh-- Huh?
COLBY:
We got a problem.
RANDI:
I know. I've been watching.
What the hell happened?
Did some aliens come down
and suck their brains
out of their assholes?
Look at 'em. They look like
a bad sitcom out of the '50s.
RANDI: We haven't had a
new hit in 52 minutes.
Its dropping our average
through the floor.
You've gotta come up
with something fast.
Mm.
[SIGHS]
HARVEY: See, I like
this university.
More than 200 clubs
and organizations.
And they have beaches
in Malibu. Madeleine?
Don't mind
if I do.
Colby, my brother.
There you are.
Is something wrong?
Why the long face?
I don't know,
Audrey?
Maybe it's your new...
boob job.
You should massage them
before they harden. Oh.
What are you doing,
dickhead?
[ALL SCREAMING, YELLING]
Stop it!
Get your hands
off her.
Remember this sound,
Harvey?
What are you
talking about?
Everything's going along
as smooth as silk.
Let me just read you
a few things
I pulled down
off the Web.
"What used to be
an inside, edgy,
"sometimes erotic
look at real Americana,
has ebbed into a pretentious,
manufactured embarrassment."
Ph, what's it
say about me?
Hm, I got
that one.
Want some chat room
dialogue?
Oh, here it is:
"The Bellinger Bitch Project."
"Headliner Audrey
used to be my constant
"chicken-choking companion.
"What's with the turtle necks
and the bathrobes?
How come no one uses
the bathroom anymore?" Freaks.
[]
LYDIA:
Yo, what is this?
These are show bibles.
COLBY:
Look, it's all very simple.
We need to take drastic steps.
These bibles outline
our characters,
complete with back stories,
foibles and new story lines.
Now, people want real,
but above all, they want drama.
Conflict equals drama.
Drama equals hits.
Hits equal eyeballs,
which equals...
Money.
Listen, everybody. We're flat.
No sizzle. Boring.
If we don't do something
and do it, like, right now,
our entire Insytive deal
is gonna go up in smoke.
You know, they have the 2 mil
in licensing fees alone.
Bondage?
Forget this.
This is ridiculous.
I would never do this
to your Mom.
With a dog?
RANDI: Well, we're gonna
close out the quarter soft.
You know we got 14K
from FreshPasta.com.
Another 10K from
Bouquet of Fruits.
And, you know, twenty-six thou
from, uh, Popeye's Chicken.
But Adam Brothers
wants to renegotiate
because of our numbers.
I know we can turn
this around.
We just got to keep
amping up the stakes.
They'll come back,
like flies to shit.
[SIGHS]
Hello?
Did you hear me?
Uh, yeah. Yeah.
What?
You having doubts?
No. No, it's not that.
It's just that-- You--
It's just that we never
have time to, like--
You know, just be with
each other anymore alone.
I mean--
I mean, we have--
We've been, like, together,
for months and
everything. It--
Oh, my God.
Okay. Well, you don't have to
freak out about it.
No. No.
Look at the site!
Look at the site!
What?
HARVEY: Ouch. What the
fuck are you doing? Ow.
Shut up and bark
like a dog.
[TIMID BARKING]
Ow.
Bark!
[BARKING]
Bark!
[COCKS GUN]
Now, put on
the mask.
Oh. For God's sake.
Put it on!
RANDI:
Shouldn't we do something?
I mean, shouldn't we
call the cops?
What? And ruin
this scene?
She's got a gun
for crying out loud.
This is great.
HARVEY: Go on, do what
you have to do, shit. Ow!
A real revolver?
I might have paid to have
seen you in that situation.
Thanks. Unfortunately for you
and the rest of the world,
the damage was done.
And we had lost
so many hitters,
that virtually no one
saw the gag anyway.
I saw it.
He was just like
the gimp in Pulp Fiction.
Look, guys.
This isn't working.
No, AC Nielsen,
Media Metrix.
These are
the lowest numbers
since you had
a one-camera peepshow
with little
Miss Tool Time.
You're just gonna pull the plug
at the first sign of trouble?
[SCOFFS]
Look.
I can appreciate
your enthusiasm.
But we've spent
a lot of money on you.
And we're now going to
cut our losses.
Well, naturally,
you will give us
the three weeks
we need
to "cure" the problem.
If you'll indulge me
for a minute.
Paragraph 34,
double I.
"In the event of defect or
default by the 'Producers'--
"that would be us
--the 'Company'--
that would be you
"shall give 'Producers'--
us again
"--twenty-one working days
to cure
such defect
or...default."
What--?
That's-- It's, uh,
standard, boilerplate.
I believe it also states
in that section
that in the event...
the default
or defect is not cured...
then "Producers--"
that would be you
--are financially liable
to the "Company."
That would be us.
We'll take that risk.
HARVEY:
We'll take that risk?
COLBY: Uh, yeah.
That's what we told 'em.
Three weeks? Are you guys
fucking nuts?
Who do you think's
gonna go to jail
when we can't make good
on the money?
You, probably.
I'm, uh, still a minor.
Heh. Well, you're no longer
in charge of anything.
See, this is what we get
for listening to
your scam-artist son
and his crazy-ass
bondage ideas.
Yeah, well, it was
a hell of a lot better
than your lame-o '50s sitcom
shtick, Ward Cleaver.
If you had been paying
more attention
to June and the Beaver, none
of us would be in this mess.
Colby. Heh. See. I told you
we weren't having enough sex.
Everybody seems to know it.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYING]
Oh. Sure, that's your answer
to everything, isn't it, Lydia?
Why, you little silicone
hypocrite.
You mean saline,
you liposuction has-been.
HARVEY:
That's enough!
I will not have you
speak to us this way,
while you live
under my roof.
If it weren't
for me,
we'd all be living
under your mother's roof.
Stop, okay.
The bottom line is sex sells.
Seventy-three percent
of Internet users hit sites
which involve
sex or nudity.
According to
these stats...
Audrey's boobs are
our greatest draw.
You know, she gets 48 percent
of the total hit-ship. Hm.
Hm.
I want a raise.
You already have two.
COLBY:
Look. Bottom line.
We're not cutting it.
We need some new blood,
a new character.
Maybe a professional.
I don't know.
Maybe, uh, Inga,
the Swedish housekeeper?
Oh. I'm sure you'd love to live
that adolescent,
clich fantasy, dickweed.
Well, if I do, so does
every other adolescent.
Let's not forget our target
audience: 16-to-24 male.
No, no, no, no, no.
We got the cheesecake,
we need the beefcake.
Female 18-to-34
is way down.
And who can blame them?
I mean, all they got to look at
is a middle-age fart
and a scrawny geek.
We need a hunk.
Mm.
Yes. Like a gorgeous,
ripped Latin pool boy
with six-pack abs
and a tight ass
you could bounce
quarters off of.
Ooh. How about
Antonio Sabato Jr.?
I don't know. The pool boy
thing's been done to death.
It's too familiar.
Feels, uh...
manufactured.
RANDI: What about a foreign
exchange student? Comic relief?
A young Antonio Banderas.
Umm...maybe. Uh--
No, we could hire
a pro. An actor.
COLBY:
No. No, no, no. Too dangerous.
If anybody ever found out,
we'd be ruined.
Speaking of which, we should
burn those story bibles.
We can't use a real
exchange student.
It would be way
too unpredictable.
Welcome to Chart House.
Uh-- Uh.
"Kiro."
Ciro.
Oh. Oh, sorry.
Ch-- Cheerio.
Uh-- Ciro.
ALL:
Ciro.
Okay. Ahem.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
Next week, log on
as the Bellingers
get a new addition
to the family.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[]
[SIGHS]
Oh, my.
Well, you must be
Ciro.
Si.
I'm Lydia.
Oh.
Won't you come in?
[]
Everybody...Ciro
from Italy is here.
[GIGGLES]
This is my husband, Harvey.
Benvenuto.
Signore Harvey.
And this is--
Audrey.
So mice to neat you.
Ah-- N-nice. So nice
t-to meet you.
A-and this
is Colby, our son.
Hey.
Hey, let me
give you a hand there.
I'll show you where you're
staying. This way.
Oh. G-- Grazie.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
COLBY [WHISPERING]:
Psst. Hey, guys.
Hey.
[CLICKS TONGUE]
Psst.
HARVEY: Welcome to
your new home, Cheerio.
Got the bathroom
over there,
closet, nice, comfortable
bed for you.
Ciao.
Ciao.
[BEEPS]
COLBY:
How's he doing?
AUDREY:
He's just sitting there.
COLBY:
Heh.
So...are we
looking good?
No, we're dying.
LYDIA: Poor man. He's
scared out of his mind.
HARVEY: Either that or
he's a stultified moron.
RANDI: We shouldn't have
told him about the cameras.
Ah, shit. We should have
a hired a pro.
We gotta do something.
Ah. This is ridiculous.
[SIGHS]
Wait a sec. What
are you doing? Mm.
[SIGHS]
I am putting our business
investments to work.
Your business investments?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Okay.
What?
What is she doing?
You heard her.
She's putting our business
investments to work.
[]
Avanti.
[SIGHS]
Hi.
[SIGHS]
I thought you might be thirsty.
You know? After that...
long trip of yours from...
From Vienna?
V--
A-actually, Vienna
is in Austria.
I'm from Italy.
From Venice, Italy.
Of course you are.
[GASPS]
[EXHALES]
Oops.
Oops.
I keep a few of
my extra clothes in here.
[SIGHS]
I hope you don't mind.
Mind?
Go, Audrey.
What is my baby girl doing?
Can danger come out
to play?
I need a little
danger in my life.
I'm horny, Harvey.
[SIGHS]
Lydia...not now.
Sure.
Why should this week be
different from any other?
[GROANING]
I'm sorry, hon.
I'm just a little...
preoccupied.
Do tell.
[CAMERA BEEPS]
[HARVEY SIGHS]
I'm kind of worried
about Audrey.
She seems a little
too interested in Ciro,
if you know what I mean?
[HANGERS RATTLING]
I don't know.
Am I being silly?
[SIGHS]
Not at all.
He's a handsome...
ripped young man.
It's only natural for a woman
to be attracted to him.
Girl. You said "woman,"
and Audrey's still a girl.
Right.
Do you think, uh...
he's, you know,
uh...?
Circumcised?
Interested in Audrey?
Nah.
I'm sure he hasn't even
looked twice at her.
Oh, well, maybe if you could,
uh, I don't know,
divert his attention
from her.
No way.
I'm not suggesting
you do anything
but flirt with
the guy a little.
Just to get his mind
off Audrey.
[BEEPS]
[WHISPERS] It'd be
great for the ratings.
GIRL [ON PHONE]:
Ah, you are so lucky.
He's a man. Not some pencil
prick in high school.
Damn. Oh.
Is he really hot?
You should see his ass.
I could just take
a bite out of it.
He sounds so hot.
Mm.
[KATIE MARINO'S "LEAVE
MY MAN ALONE" PLAYING]
Ooh, girl, leave
My man alone...
AUDREY:
That bitch!
She's trying to move in
on my exchange student.
I gotta go, Nance.
I'm not likin' what I'm seein'
In this little game...
Was I good or what?
How are the numbers?
COLBY:
Cha-ching.
We're back. Mom
and Audrey are, like,
really getting
into this Ciro guy.
Do all Italian men
have muscles like this?
[BOTH GIGGLING]
Excuse me. Lydia?
Can I talk to you?
Audrey, your--
Your surgeon called.
He-- He wanted to check
on your fake boobs.
[AUDREY GASPING]
Ahh!
Will you excuse us, please?
I need to talk to her.
Ciro, if you change your mind
about that massage,
I have great hands.
Maybe he could take
a rain check.
Lydia's got a doctor's
appointment.
No, I don't.
Heh. You know,
your estrogen injection
and that nasty
yeast infection.
[GASPS]
Walk around like you
Own the play
[IN ITALIAN]
And I'm likin' what I'm seein'
in this little game you do
It's obvious
You're my man
You can't have him
You better leave my man
Alone. Alone. Alone.
Alone
You're my man...
HARVEY:
Ciro's initial stage fright
quickly became the least
of our problems.
How's that?
Somewhere along the line,
things really got
out of control.
We, uh...
We became these characters,
caricatures.
I basically pushed Lydia
into Ciro's arms...
and she locked onto that...
like a laser beam.
Unfortunately...
so did Audrey.
[]
Oh, my goodness.
Ciro...can I help you
find something?
Perfetto.
No, no. I'm okay. Thank you.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
Have you ever had
Agnolotti all'Aragosta?
No. But it sounds
delicious.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Oh. I cannot cook
or make love in shoes.
Hm.
Hm.
I grew up in the shadow
of Mount Etna.
I thought you grew up
in Venice.
Oh, yes, but I had
family in Sicilia.
I would-- I would
visit in summer.
Cooking is like
a religion in my family.
It's what I love
to do the most.
I love to
cook also. Heh.
Ah, but for Italians...
cooking is
an emotional experience.
Like making love.
The heat, the fire,
the passion,
the waiting for the right
moment, and then--
And then the climax.
[GASPS]
[LAUGHS]
[BLOWS]
[SQUEALS, LAUGHS]
And cooking is play.
Play, love and art.
[BLOWS]
Oh.
Lydia.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
Come. You help me.
Okay.
Here's the flour.
The flour...is the body.
Mm-hm.
The earth. Ah.
From which all things
begin and end.
See?
Now, Lydia...
here comes the source
of life and energy.
Now...
pour it in the womb.
See?
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
[MOANING]
Mm.
Mm.
Huh? Mm.
Lydia! What are
you doing?!
Coming-- Cooking.
I'm cooking with Ciro.
We're-- We're making ravioli.
Agnolotti.
We're creating life.
You must help us.
Viene. Viene.
I think I will.
Mm.
Mm.
Oh, Ciro.
I don't think
I'm doing this right.
Maybe you should run along
and do your homework.
Um, come help me.
No. No, no, actually, uh--
Uh, I'll show you.
Si.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
Uh, slow...
Mm-hm.
...long.
Slow strokes
like this.
Let it mold into your hands.
Huh? Into thick rolls.
[BOTH SPEAKING ITALIAN]
[MOANING]
Like this,
Ciro?
Huh?
Perfetto.
A kiss for
good luck. Ah.
Okay. Now, we have to
move faster and faster
before it gets too hard.
All right, now.
Faster, faster.
Like this. Si, si,
faster. Faster.
[BOTH MOANING]
Eh? We can go faster.
Oh, my--
God!
Oh.
Damn good, Cheerio.
[]
Ciro is
the master.
Mm.
We should cook together
more often.
We should sell
this stuff online.
Mm. Damn good,
Cheerio.
Yeah, it's not bad.
Not bad?
Are you kidding?
It's too bad you didn't have
any shaved white truffles.
That would have
really crowned it.
Tar--
[CLEARS THROAT]
Tartufi bianchi
with seafood?
I would never have thought
of that combination.
It's-- Sounds really good.
My dad was a chef.
Next week, will the sexy
Italian exchange student
get private lessons in love?
And if so, who from?
Mother or daughter?
Log on to see what
they won't show you on TV.
I-See-You.com.
[SIGHS]
COLBY: All right, we
just hit 10 million hits.
Yeah!
Kid. That's the last time
I do voice-over in a sauna.
But Mr. La Fontaine,
it's a shower.
[G TOM MAC'S "I SEE YOU"
PLAYING]
LA FONTAINE:
Know where your family is?
Don't look now.
They may be on the Web
for the whole
wide world to see.
Watch you, watch me see you
through my naked eye
Watch the future
Turn up your TV
Look at what you never seen
There are no limits
To the modern spy
If you want to be
My future star
All you got to do is open up
Your windows up to mine
Every day is prime time
Never mind...
LA FONTAINE:
Meet the Bellingers:
Harvey, Lydia, Audrey
and Colby.
And watch America's
real nuclear family
melt down on
a computer near you.
I see you...
I-See-You.com.
If they weren't so real,
you'd think it was TV.
I see you
From another point of view
Watching everything
You do...
I-See-You.com.
Giving a whole new meaning
to family home entertainment.
After living with
the Bellingers,
you'll thank God
this train wreck isn't yours.
All you really
want to do
Open your windows up to mine
Every day is prime time
Never mind your cable days...
RANDI: "Which is how I
came up with the name."
Um, excuse me,
king of the world,
I came up with
the name, remember?
Yeah. Uh, I mentioned that.
They must have just
edited it out or something.
[PIANO PLAYING]
You know, babe...
I've been meaning to talk
to you about something.
Now that our numbers are up
and our Internet partners
are all happy again,
I wanted to talk to you
about fleshing out the C story.
The "C story"?
Yeah, you know how the A story
is basically the family,
Audrey, her boobs,
and bending over and stuff.
And the B story is basically
the whole Ciro business.
Well, the C story, which
is as yet undeveloped,
is me and you, which
is relatively, uh...flat.
Flat? What are you
talking about?
We need a new character.
I mean, nothing personal.
Our real relationship
will stay the same off camera.
But on camera, things
are gonna be a different deal.
Dysfunction sells.
So, what I'm thinking is,
we basically
replace your character
to build some drama,
have a big confrontation,
a big breakup, you know?
And, uh...you know,
you'll have a great exit.
You're throwing me
off the show?
Well, no. Just
your character, babe.
What? I mean,
am I not good enough?
Am I not pretty enough
to be your girlfriend?
I mean, what?
It has nothing to do
with how I feel.
I mean, you saw what happened
to the numbers
when we brought Ciro onboard.
Hell, it was your idea, right?
Besides, it's way
too heavily slanted female.
So I think it's pretty
obvious that I should have
the equivalent
new love interest.
I think the big blowup
should be next Tuesday.
Big dramatic
breakup?
Yeah.
Hm.
Well, why wait?
Huh?
I said, "Why wait?"
You insignificant,
pretentious, shrimp-dick,
fucked-your-own-sister
asshole! Whoa!
[SCREAMS]
Check.
Hey. Psycho.
Enter...Jessica.
Jessica.
Who the hell's Jessica?
Oh, man. Jessica. Heh.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
Son of a--
This can't be right.
Hi.
Oh. Can I help you?
I'm Jessica.
Colby's friend.
Ah. Sure.
Come on in, please.
Okay.
I'll, uh-- I'll let
him know you're here.
Okay, thanks.
Jessica.
Yeah.
[FOOTSTEPS RECEDING]
[]
Colby. Hi.
[MUMBLING INDISTINCTLY]
And you are?
Jessica.
Jessica. Uh-huh.
What a beautiful name.
Jessica. [GIGGLES]
Jess-
Hi. Hi. Hi.
Come here.
Hey. Hey.
Who the hell
is Jessica?
She here?
She hot?
Yeah, but who is she?
My new "girlfriend."
I invited her over
to watch Barry Kibrick.
Who said you could
have a new girl?
Who said I couldn't?
I'm the showrunner.
I'm the creative
executive producer.
I'm the fucking network.
Ah, I'm out of here.
What about Randi?
What about Randi?
She went psycho.
HARVEY:
She went psycho?
I went psycho?
Hey. Before you go down there,
we need to talk a minute.
Is this an error, or are we
really short 296 thou?
What are you talking about?
No.
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
you were Colby.
That's Colby.
Oh, Colby.
[LAUGHS]
I almost forgot what
you looked like.
We have to talk about
my contract rider.
I'm not doing
any nudity.
Ciao bella.
I see you've
met Ciro,
our exchange student
from the mafia.
[GIGGLES]
Mwah.
Shh.
Cool.
Yeah.
KIBRICK [ON TV]: Colby, let's
get back to the embryo of the idea
that put I-See-You
on the worldwide map.
I mean, who or what
inspired you to do this?
COLBY:
You know, it was weird.
It just sort of
came to me.
Randi.
I sensed a collective
alienation.
Isn't that Colby?
And a hunger for raw,
unmanufactured reality.
Sort of a schadenfreude,
that America would watch
because they were thinking:
"Thank God there are
other families
"out there that
make mine look normal."
Sounds like he's taking
all the credit, sweetie.
KIBRICK: ...by self or divinity,
Colby, you do write these words:
That you designed and
executed the website,
handled all the now-
precedent-setting
business deals
all on your own.
The power of a singular
vision, Barry.
In fact, as you know,
it's the title of my new book.
Yes, and, uh, quite
obviously understated.
[SIGHS]
That was a huge mistake.
What? What was
a mistake?
Jessica?
Jessica, the book,
the Barry Kibrick interview,
the whole thing.
Because of Randi, right?
Hell hath no fury
as a woman scorned.
That's right,
baby.
[CHUCKLING]
[SIGHS]
You fucker.
[]
[BEEPING]
Hi.
It's so hot out.
I couldn't sleep.
I hope
you don't mind.
Share a cool drink
with me?
Mm.
Oh.
Mm. Oh.
Haven't we played
this game...
long enough?
[CLEARS THROAT]
[]
Was that the pool?
I-- I don't know.
Hm.
You stay here.
[DRAMATICALLY]
I'll see.
[DOOR OPENS]
[DOOR CLOSES]
Signora Bellinger.
Ciro.
It's such a hot night
tonight. Don't you think?
[YAWNS]
[]
Signora
Bellinger.
Signora Bellinger.
Lydia.
Signora Bellinger,
it's really cold out,
and you could
catch pneumonia.
Mm.
I was hoping to catch
something else.
[SIGHS]
Are you gonna come in?
Or do I have to come out
and get you?
[LAUGHS]
Signora Bellinger.
Oh. Ho-ho.
It's nice to see that
a...38-year-old woman
can still get a
rise out of you. Hm.
Thirty-eight?
What--?
[MOANS]
Signora Bellinger, but--
[GIGGLES]
AUDREY [GASPS]:
Lydia!
Audrey.
[GASPS]
HARVEY:
Lydia?!
Audrey?! What
the hell's going on?!
Harvey. Oh, my--
That's it. I'm raising
the ad rates in the morning.
Harvey.
[GROANS]
Sweetheart! No, don't
you sweetheart me, Lydia.
[CAR ALARM BLARING]
Shit. Shit.
Don't you think you're just
overreacting just a little?
Nothing happened.
We were just acting.
Acting?! You were
fucking naked!
You were this close to
taking the meat thermometer
from the master chef of Milan.
Venice or Sorrento.
It's not clear.
Let's not forget whose
idea this all was. Uh-huh.
"Just divert his attention
from my daughter."
Besides, weren't you
the one that said,
"This is all an act.
We're just playing characters"?
Oh, oh, oh. So I suppose
you were just gonna fake
your orgasm
with Ciro then, huh?
[CAR ALARM BLARING]
I'm quite certain
I would have had to!
See what I mean?
You were never acting.
You...menopausal
nymphomaniac actress.
I am not menopausal!
Oh, fine.
And I had to literally hold
a gun to your head
just to make love.
You knew
from the day you met me
that I have
an elevated libido.
[YELLS]
Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey.
This better not be drama
happening in here.
'Cause if it is, take it
inside. This camera isn't...
[GASPS]
I don't know what's
with you people.
But, like, the whole world is
waiting to see the fallout
from this
Ciro thing will be.
Colby, can you just
give us a few minutes?
Sure, sure. Take all
the time you need.
But just let me put
some things in perspective.
The tires you're driving on?
Free. Promo deal.
The Cokes in
our fridge. Free.
The designer robes,
gratis.
And while Bugle Boy
and Billabong are fighting
over who gets
our six-figure exclusive,
our banner ads
just hit 5K a pop.
Fuck off, Colby.
Fuck off, Colby.
And speaking of money,
I'd like to know what happened
to the missing 300,000.
What 300,000?
There's 300,000 missing
from our cash account.
Excuse me.
Are you accusing me?
Hey, I'm not
the compulsive gambler
with the market addiction.
You really need to see
a therapist or something.
How about a divorce
lawyer?
Fine!
Fine!
[GRUNTS]
Fuck.
[GARAGE DOOR OPENS]
[STARTS ENGINE]
[GLASS SHATTERS]
Uh. What the hell was that--?
[SCOFFS]
Mr. Bellinger.
Mr. Bellinger.
Is it true that I-See-You
is nothing but a fraud?
Sorry, I don't know
what you're talking about.
Just, can you comment
on the events earlier?
That Insytive is suing you?
HARVEY:
What?
Pack it up, Colby.
We're out of here.
And get rid of the bimbo.
Mom?
Excuse me?
Everybody,
let's just
calm down here
a moment, okay?
Colby, do you have any idea
what has happened here?
Leaving so soon?
What a shame.
I've had just about
enough tonight, Audrey.
Enough? Enough?!
You pissed away all our money,
driven my poor dad nuts,
stolen my boyfriend,
and you've had enough?
Uh, you go, girl.
And you can just shut
your clam, sister.
[GASPS]
[CHUCKLES]
[SCOFFS] I guess
you found a way
to get laid after all,
pencil prick.
Pay for it.
I don't have
to take this
from some bullshit
amateur Internet joke.
I'm a professional.
You'll hear from my agent.
Yeah.
Oh, hey, baby.
I'm sorry.
Don't run.
REPORTER 1: Mr. Bellinger.
REPORTER 2: Mr. Bellinger, is--?
Back so soon?
What the hell?
Whoa.
What is it?
The landing of a mother ship.
I'm sorry. I will have
a full statement for you later.
REPORTER 2:
How do you answer the claims
that your life is
all a staged sham?
REPORTER 3: Right here.
Mr. Bellinger, please.
Just one
comment, please.
We're back.
What are you talking about?
We're exposed.
It's over. We're over.
Listen, I know
I said some things.
We all said-- Did things.
I'll be the first to admit
we all went
a little overboard.
But look where
it's gotten us.
Guys, we're
on the cover
of People magazine.
You can't buy
publicity like this.
[WHIMPERS]
Look out the window.
Look. And this is
just the beginning.
Yeah. Beginning
of the end, Harv.
We got the network news
on the front lawn.
First, we'll call
a press conference.
We'll deny all of
Randi's claims.
Then we will set up
the controversy.
Oh, Harvey. Would you hear
what you're saying?
What are you talking about?
Daddy, maybe it's time
to pack it in.
Quit?
We just hit
the big time.
We're mainstream.
Ah!
There are a lot of
reporters out there.
Hey. You two wanna quit? Fine.
Audrey,
upstairs. Now.
And don't forget...
I still got Ciro.
What do you mean,
you've got Ciro?
Uh, Dad?
I think I'm gonna be staying
at Nancy's for a few days.
Come on, Colby.
We're leaving.
No, no, no, no.
No, no, no, no.
You go out
there now...
it's all over.
Everything we built...
will be ruined.
It's already ruined, Harvey.
Now, move aside.
[]
What are you gonna do, Harvey?
Club us with the Tiki man?
Calm down,
Signore Bellinger.
Just calm down.
Come on, Harv.
Just hand over
the blunt object
before it winds up
in a police report.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
[SHRIEKS]
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
CIRO: Signore Bellinger.
Audrey. Audrey.
Harvey, stay away from her.
Stay away from her!
It wasn't my fault!
It wasn't my fault.
Jeez. Are you
okay, sweetie?
[GROANING]
[SHUTTERS CLICKING]
HARVEY: Hold on! Wait!
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, sweetheart.
You're not supposed
to go in there.
Okay. I'll call you
from the hospital.
Look, I'll be right over
as soon as I'm finished.
I love you.
Oh, sweetie.
What have I done?
Back off, back off!
Just back off, please.
[]
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
How is Audrey doing?
A-any news?
I can see that
you are really upset,
and I feel badly.
You know...
in my country,
we do not--
How do you say that?
We do not dwell
on the negative.
We celebrate
the positive.
There is so much
positive...
to be about.
[SPEAKING
IN ITALIAN]
We cook together,
eh?
Eh?
Eh? Eh? Eh?
Fucker.
Son of a bitch.
[BOTH GRUNTING]
Fucker.
Wait, you're hurting me now.
You're hurting me.
Eh. I don't wanna fight.
I don't wanna fight.
[SPEAKING IN
ITALIAN] [SCREAMS]
Aah!
[BOTH SCREAM]
I like you.
Damn right,
you fucking asshole.
I like you.
I like you.
You motherfucking
Italian wife stealer.
You're crazy,
Signore Bellinger.
It's all over!
Everything's fucked.
[STATIC]
HARVEY: Eyeballs?
You want eyeballs?
You want hits?
I'll give you hits,
you voyeuristic bastards.
[LAUGHING, PANTING]
This is all
your fault, assholes.
[GRUNTING]
Not enough drama for you, huh?!
I got your frigging
drama right here!
[GRUNTS]
[GAS HISSING]
[INHALING]
Figured out the big finish yet?
Oh, yeah.
[BEEPS]
RISHWAIN:
You're a lucky man.
'Cause I hit a gas main?
Because you didn't
kill anybody.
We wouldn't even be
here talking. Yeah.
And the family?
Audrey's at UCLA.
My little girl had to
grow up pretty fast.
She, uh--
She visits.
Things were sort of strained
with Lydia and I
after the trial.
Uh, but I guess that's
to be expected
with...me here
and, uh--
And her, uh...
Who really knows?
So, what about
Colby?
I didn't talk to him
for a year...
even though he tried
to patch things up.
Took me two years
to realize that...
uh, I could hardly blame him
without blaming myself.
So...
w-what happened
to the 300K?
[CHUCKLES]
[]
[GATE CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
Hey there, handsome.
Hey.
Hm.
You got that Tim Robbins
thing going for you.
You know, like at the end
of Shawshank Redemption.
That would make you, what?
Morgan Freeman?
Exactly.
I'm sorry we're late.
We had...some issues.
You look like crap.
Thank you.
Good to see
you too, Mother.
Hi, Daddy.
Hey, pumpkin.
Hey. Let me get that for you.
Hey.
Why, thank you.
What's with the, uh--?
Real-time product
placement.
Real-time what?
[GRUNTS]
What's this thing cost?
AUDREY: Nothing.
Nothing?
Yeah.
COLBY: Well, nothing as long
as we drive 400 miles a week
around upper-middle-income
neighborhoods, nothing.
HARVEY:
What do you mean nothing?
COLBY: Oh, I mean, I went
to Hummer of Sherman Oaks.
Got them to play ball
in exchange
for plastering their
name everywhere. [SIGHS]
Then made a bunch of deals
with several corporate sponsors.
Okay, I don't
even wanna know.
Forget I asked.
COLBY:
So...Dad...
I've been coming up with a plan
to get us back on our feet
and out of Grandma's
house fast.
Don't do me any favors.
No one's asking you to stay.
Do you think I'm gonna
listen for a second
to anything you come up with
after what I've been through?
DORIS: So, Harvey, I'm
gonna need to be paid back
now that you're, well,
able-bodied.
I mean, I-- I'm out
a lot of money.
Mom, we're not even
a mile
from where I spent
the last three years
being someone's girlfriend.
AUDREY: Gross.
Think this might wait
until we hit the freeway.
Or until I get a job?
What about the 300K?
Everybody knows
you salted it away someplace.
I don't have 300K, Mother.
I never had it.
Someone else here
might know
where it went,
but I sure don't.
[]
Don't look at me.
We thought you had it.
AUDREY:
Yeah, Daddy.
I told you,
I don't have it.
Well, if you don't,
where the hell did it go?
HARVEY AND COLBY:
Randi.
Thanks.
[]
Hi.
VALET: Do you have the ticket?
MAN: Got it. I think I
parked in, uh, Section 1-6.
VALET 1: Welcome to Ciro's.
Thank you.
VALET 2: Welcome to Ciro's.
GARRY: Ah, thank you, my man.
There's a bit of
Italian heaven in L.A.
Look how packed
this place is, Chloe.
You did confirm our reservations
for all six, huh?
Uh, right, Garry.
I confirmed them last week
and this morning.
We've been on their waiting
list for two weeks.
And you used
my name?
Of course. It would have been
a month otherwise.
I'm so happy
for Randi.
That kid must be
printing money in here.
Hi, Mr. Marshall.
Randi. You look
beautiful.
Mr. Marshall, Chloe.
You look wonderful.
Come, please. We have
your table all ready for you.
The other people
are on their way.
Looks like business
is booming.
RANDI: It is booming.
Where's your partner in crime?
RANDI: Here he is.
CIRO: Garry.
Hi!
Hey, hey.
Hey!
Chloe. Good to see you.
Ciro.
Please, please,
be seated. Be seated.
What can I get you
tonight? The rigatoni?
No, no, no.
Your masterpiece.
Lobster Agnolotti.
Ah.
Lobster Agnolotti.
Sauce on the side.
Sauce on
the side.
Coming right up.
You got it. Okay.
Good. He cooks
without his shoes on.
Yeah.
Cannot cook
or make love
in shoes.
I'll be-- I'll be
right back, okay?
But he doesn't put
his toes in the lobster.
God, I hope not.
[LAUGHTER]
[]