[Exhales]
[Apple Crunches]
No can do, James.
- What do you mean "no can do"?
- You know why.
No, I don't. Tell me.
You're not supposed to eat this stuff.
Okay. Look.
Crisp $20 bill. Come on.
I can't do it.
[Sighs]
Dick...
I support you.
I come here.
I could go to those corporate stores.
No. I come to you,
the small businessman.
I'm here to see you.
Support you.
- Okay. One last time.
- One last time. Here you go.
- I got a question for you.
- What?
You got chocolate.
Why no rice pudding?
- Why don't I carry it?
- Yeah.
I don't like it.
In fact, I have an aversion to it.
So if you didn't like milk,
then you wouldn't carry milk.
If I don't like it,
how can I recommend it?
Well, I thank you, my friend.
Say hi to your mother.
You're going without saying good-bye?
I'm sorry, Ma. Good-bye.
You're not gonna
wear that shirt, are you?
- Don't you see that's not even a question?
- That shirt makes you look fat.
- That's because I am fat.
- You're not fat.
If anything, I make the shirt look fat.
Your snoring is getting louder.
I can hear it even with the door closed
and a pillow over my head.
I don't know what to tell ya.
- Bye, Ma.
- [Door Opens, Closes]
Bye.
All right.
Here's your clipboard.
When you go in, you tell him
you're from the government.
- Right?
- From the government.
- What did I just say?
- From the government.
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay. Why do I have an empty metal clipboard?
Because there's a hidden
microphone up there. See?
- Hold it high.
- Well, why is there no paper in it?
What do you know from paper?
Now go into the showroom
and ask for Bill Bango.
Then you ask Bill Bango,
'Are you the same Bill Bango...
"who used to ride hotrods
at Lake Geneva in the '70s?
'And we know that Bill Bango
knew someone named Vicki Seberg.
We know you had relations with Vicki Seberg,
and you have a long-lost daughter."
Really?
He's a prick car dealer.
What do you care?
Well, where are the cameras?
Cameras?
What are you, a producer now?
[Chuckles]
Never mind the cameras.
Jesus.
- dd[Muzak On Speakers]
- [Phone Rings]
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
Uh, I'm looking for, uh, Bill Bango.
You mean Bill Bjango?
I thought it was Bango.
No. It's Bjango.
Bill Bjango. Bill Bjango,
customer to see you in the showroom.
Where did the term
"dealership" come from?
- I don't know.
- Just wondering.
What about tent sales?
What is it about tents
that make people wanna buy cars?
dd[Continues]
[Sighs]
May I help you, sir?
- Bill Bango?
- It's Bjango.
Yeah. Um, Mr. Bjango,
I'm, uh, Rory Rorerson.
[Bjango On Headphones]
What can I do for you, Mr. Rorerson?
[James]
Uh, I'm from the government and, uh...
Are you the same Bill Bjango that raced
hotrods up at Lake Geneva in the '70s?
- That's me.
- Okay. Do you remember a woman...
named, uh, Vicki Seberg?
Vicki Seberg. Whoa.
- You know, I knew a lot of gals back then.
- Yeah, well, um...
here's where it gets a little bit messy.
It appears you had relations
with Miss Seberg back then, and, uh...
from that, um...
devil-may-care moment
came a, uh... a-a daughter.
Did you say I have... Did you say I have...
have a... have a daughter?
Yes. I also said "devil-may-care."
I said...
Cue the girl.
- Is she...
- Daddy!
- Oh.
- Oh, I have missed you.
[Bjango]
Oh, my God.
This is great.
Oh, Daddy.
[Bjango Sobbing]
I don't know what...
what... what to say.
What to... What to say.
Mr. Bjango.
Mr. Bjango.
I'm, uh, not really from the government...
and, uh, she's not really your daughter.
- She's not... not my daughter?
- No, she's not your daughter.
We're from a TV show called SmearJob,
and this has all been a joke.
Joke?
[Laughing]
- It's not funny, sir.
- I know it's not funny.
- Not funny.
- I'm-I'm-I'm terribly sorry.
I...
It's not funny.
- I'm not enjoying this.
- What? What's not to enjoy?
You got the whole fat guy thing
all wrapped up.
I mean, who else is out there
who's fat and funny? Huh?
Being fat has nothing to do with
why I'm funny.
Okay. I got ya. I got ya. Anyway,
there's a couple eating in the back, okay?
I want you to go up there and pretend
that you're a government agent...
and you tell them you've got proof
that the guy's cheating on her.
- This is disturbing. You know that, right?
- What's disturbing? It'll be funny.
Funny, funny, funny. And you make sure
that it's the guy who's doing the cheating.
- Otherwise it's not funny.
- How do you know that?
Not me. It's research.
Our research tells us...
that people think it's funnier
if the guy is cheating.
Okay. Now once I tell them he's cheating,
what do I do after that?
Whatever you say will be great.
You are a multitalented young man.
Oh. There you go.
- Clipboard. Paper.
- All right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- Okay. Go get 'em, you little pisher.
Oh, yeah.
[Laughter]
- [James] So you don't work here at the store?
- Not really. No.
- [Audience Laughing]
- You'll have to forgive her.
It's just that she shows up every day
and does more work than our paid employees do.
So we kind of just let her stay.
[Chuckles]
- Did you need to be in a line?
- Um...
Well, wouldn't you know?
I just think that...
this is not a good thing.
Well, why not?
I just don't feel that you and I
are on the same page.
Okay, Susie von Cliche,
what are you talking about?
You're 39,
and you live with your mother.
Yeah?
You're in terrible shape.
You don't care about how you look.
I care about how I look. There's a matter
of pride as I get dressed every day.
I'm gonna get in shape. That's part of the plan.
And I'm gonna move out of my mom's.
I told you this wouldn't work.
We work together.
- It's because I'm fat.
- It is not because you're fat.
Don't do this because...
I love you.
I love you.
And I've always loved you.
Ever since you started working here,
l-I've been in love with you.
You don't love me.
- Maybe I do.
- [Cell Phone Rings]
You don't know.
How do you know?
[Ringing]
Hi. I'm leaving right now.
I'll be there in a minute. Bye.
- Who's that?
- None of your business.
- I thought you were going straight home.
- I have to meet somebody.
- A guy?
- l... I'm leaving.
So it's over.
Whatever it was, it's over.
[Door Closes]
Hey. Where were you?
- Out.
- Where?
None of your business.
dd [Instrumental Theme]
[Door Closes]
[James]
Hi, Mom.
Hi, honey. How was your day?
Fine.
[Sighs] Even when you were a little boy,
whenever I asked you "How was your day?"...
you always said, "Fine."
[Chuckles]
It was fine.
- Are you hungry?
- Mmm, not really.
I made some kugel.
All right. Maybe one piece.
[Laughter On TV]
[Doorknob Rattles]
- James.
- Luca.
Somebody's probably sick.
- Nobody's sick.
- Why else would they not be open?
'Cause they're closed.
- They're closed. Yeah. Yeah.
- They're closed.
Next time you come here,
it's gonna be a bank.
Look at that floor.
You see that floor?
It's a beautiful floor.
All that stone was cut by hand
by some immigrant.
Irish guy, or Italian.
Like in the '30s or something.
Worked hard.
Made every piece fit in that floor.
Go home at night.
A little place.
A wife.
Maybe a couple kids.
It's a great floor.
All right. I've been coming here for years...
with my dad, with my grandfather.
- Never noticed the floor.
- That's part of the problem.
What, you're writing me up
for never noticing the floor?
Writing a note.
[Luca]
We need a new place to eat.
- That's a big ball of Purim.
- What's Purim?
- It's kind of like a Jewish Halloween.
- Oh.
[Speaking French Angrily]
There is nothing hotter
than an angry Frenchwoman.
No.
- Yowza. Wow.
- [Chuckles]
Where you wanna go? Waffle King?
- King of the cinnamon waffle.
- I hate the Waffle King.
No. You hate the Waffle King's son.
Uh, Kenny G-lookin' guy who mixes the fruit.
- Yeah.
- IHOP?
IHOP? No.
Guess not.
- Man, the girls around here are way hot.
- Yeah. It's a nice neighborhood.
- Look at that. See the cornices up there?
- Yeah.
[Luca]
Nice Romanesque vaulting.
- They don't make this anymore.
- You love Chicago.
I do. I know. Manny's.
Manny's is great,
but my car is up by Wrigley Field.
- Why is it up by Wrigley?
- I found a great space.
But you don't live by Wrigley.
Shouldn't your car be near where you live?
Yeah, but I got a great space.
[Speaking Filipino Angrily]
Nothing hotter than
an elderly angry Filipino woman.
- Nothing in the world.
- Nothing in the world.
- Look at that.
- Arrgh, matey. Get your hot dogs.
Get your hot dogs. Arrgh.
What does being a pirate
have to do with hot dogs?
That's sad.
- Why a pirate?
- I don't know. Let's go find out.
- Let's go ask him.
- I gotta go to the bank.
All right. You go to the bank.
I'm gonna find out why he's a pirate.
- Find out.
- All right.
Thank you, ladies. Arrgh.
Hey, James.
- Yeah?
- Larry.
- Larry?
- It's...
- Larry?
- It's Larry.
- What are you doing? You're dressed like a pirate.
- Yeah.
- What does pirates have to do with hot dogs?
- Listen. You gotta do me a big favor.
I got a big audition at 11:00,
and my boss won't let me leave...
unless I get somebody to cover for me.
- Not me.
- Come on, man. You owe me.
- Well, what's the audition for?
- Uh, Marty.
Marty?
- Yeah, Marty.
- Paddy Chayefsky's Marty?
I guess.
Why would they remake Marty?
That makes no sense.
Marty's a perfect movie.
Won an Academy Award.
Ernest Borgnine won an Academy Award.
I even have the video version with Rod Steiger.
I've seen it a million times.
It takes place in New York, not Chicago.
My reading's this afternoon.
- Who's the casting director?
- Burl Canasta.
Burl Canasta?
He loves me.
Why didn't Burl Canasta bring me in?
I'm perfect for Marty.
- That makes no sense.
- Would you cover for me?
I've always wanted to do anything by
Paddy Chayefsky. Now they're remaking Marty.
- Wait. Who is Paddy Chayefsky?
- Who's Paddy Chayefsky?
He's one of the greatest writers
that's ever lived.
He wrote Marty.
He won an Academy Award for it.
- I'm sorry. I didn't know.
- He also wrote Network.
Is that the movie where everyone,
uh, yells out the window?
Yes. That's what it's about,
people yelling out the window.
- Yeah, I didn't see it. I remember it.
- Oh, that's beautiful.
Please do me this one favor.
You owe me.
You ripped the cover
on my Silver Surfer number one.
- I told you I'd paid you back.
- When?
Well, I'd much rather pay you back.
Lookit. You cover for me,
and we'll call it even.
- Can I have two?
- [James] Sure.
- Do you have mustard?
- No.
Oh, then I don't want any.
Hey, little fella. Why you wearin' a poncho?
It's so nice out.
Whenever I'm bad,
my dad makes me wear it.
Ah. How about a hot dog?
- Sure.
- [Man] Hey. Come back here.
- Did you say thank you to the man?
- No.
That's another week in the poncho.
Where's Larry?
- He's at an audition.
- Oh, the Marty audition.
Yeah.
You know,
I think I'd make a great Marty.
Yeah, yeah, but you're a pirate now.
You hungry?
- Yes.
- Have a hot dog.
No, thank you. I don't eat nitrates.
All right. You wanna cover for me?
I'll give you, like, 10 bucks.
I'd like to, but all I got is my dignity.
[Cell Phone Beeps]
Yeah. James Aaron for Herb.
I'm sure he is. Okay. Yeah.
[Beeps]
- Name an actress.
- Huh?
Name an actress.
- Why?
- Just do it.
All right. Um, uh...
Gwyneth Paltrow.
Been naked in the movies five times.
Actually, she had a body double
in 1998's Hush.
So, actually, four times.
Name another.
- All right. Julianne Moore.
- Naked five times.
She holds the record
for the longest bush shot...
in 1993's Short Cuts...
for one minute, 24 seconds.
By the way,
it happens at the 2:17 mark.
- Come on. Come and get me.
- I'll take note.
- Do you do this with Larry?
- Oh, all the time. He's good.
That's... That's quite a talent you have.
That's really good.
Hey. Hey. Hey.
- Hmm.
- Yeah.
I just wanted to see how it would feel to be
desperate enough to do something like this.
And how's that feel?
Like my life.
Let's get going. I'm starved.
Hey. Hold on one second.
Before we leave...
tell this gentleman an actress's name.
Wait, wait, wait.
And make it sort of obscure.
Don't go with Gina Gershon,
'cause that's too easy for what he does.
- Kay Lenz.
- Kay Lenz!
Just out of nowhere. Kay Lenz.
Very good.
Great ass.
Naked five times.
The best movie to see her naked in
is 1973's Breezy.
Directed by Mr. Clint Eastwood.
Bonus note!
She was married to David Cassidy.
- Let's go. I'm starving.
- All right. Here you go, Mr. Skin.
I told you. I don't eat nitrates.
- Thank you.
- Mmm.
You always eat so healthy,
yet you're still fat.
- I don't know why.
- Hmm.
- Wanna go to the Cubs game?
- No, I can't. I gotta go to work. It's movie day.
We're showing The Party, and I'm the only
one who knows how to run the projector.
- I love The Party.
- Great movie.
Yeah. Kind of falls apart, though,
when they start washing the elephant.
See, now I like it when they wash
the elephant. It's trippy.
- Trippy?
- Mm-hmm.
All right. Maybe I'll come by.
Gotta get going. Hey. Don't forget.
Career day at Penelope's school.
All right. I'm there.
Now, um, why aren't you going?
She didn't ask for me.
She asked for you.
I run a retirement home. You're an actor.
What's more interesting to a seven-year-old?
I don't know.
- I gotta take my pumpkin muffin and get going.
- You got a pumpkin muffin? Good for you.
- Yeah.
- You know what? My treat.
- Really?
- As a matter of fact...
from now on,
whenever you get a pumpkin muffin...
- years from now, my treat.
- You sure?
- Oh, I'm Mr. Pumpkin Muffin. It's all done.
- Carrot muffin?
No, not carrot muffin.
Not chocolate. Not blueberry.
Corn muffin too.
Corn and pumpkin on me.
Like, if I get it with a... a whole meal?
- No. Just the pumpkin muffin part.
- All right. Thanks.
See you later, man.
Hi.
- Hi.
- What are you reading?
Huxley.
The guy who wrote, uh,
The Doors of Perception.
You've read him?
No. Actually, I read a book about the Doors
and it said that's how they got their name. That's...
- The band the Doors.
- I know.
Mm-hmm. Yeah.
Well, I'm starting a diet today.
- Good for you.
- Oh.
What I do is,
the night before I go on a diet...
I go to the store and get every piece
of crap junk food in the universe...
and the next morning I start fresh by having
a half a cantaloupe and some melba toast.
Hi, I'm Marsha, compulsive overeater,
grateful, uh, recovering bulimic.
[Group]
Hi, Marsha.
Well, um, as most of you know,
I just got a promotion.
And, uh, because of that, I'm supposed to
do some work out of my home.
Um, that's not been a problem
till last night.
Uh, Joey, my neighbor,
was blasting his stereo, and, um...
he plays Tom Jones all the time.
So I went over to his apartment,
uh, to tell him, uh, to turn it down.
And he invites me in, uh,
to, uh, finish my work.
And before you know it, I'm in his place,
I'm not getting my work done...
and as a matter of fact,
I'm listening to "What's New, Pussycat?"...
drinking cocoa and eating cookies.
Um...
[Sighs]
I didn't get my work done.
At least I didn't sleep with Joey.
I mean, that's another whole story.
I don't even want to get into that.
Uh, but, uh,
I'm really happy you're all here...
and that I have these rooms to walk in
and not feel alone.
And for today, right now, I'm abstinent.
And that's all I want to say.
Thanks.
[Exhales]
Would anyone else like to share?
Okay. Um...
how about we end the meeting
with five minutes of silent meditation.
[Inhales, Exhales Deeply]
dd[Jazz On Speakers]
- Hi.
- One second.
Okay. Take your time.
- l... You're from Second City.
- Yeah.
- You're funny.
- Wow. Thank you.
- You're really funny.
- Oh, look at you. Thank you very much. Thank you.
- I'm James.
- Beth.
Beth. Pleasure.
What you makin'?
Uh, I just made the banana cookie train.
The banana cookie train.
Look at that. That's beautiful.
But there's nobody here.
I know. Well, this place is my sister's,
and I'm helping her out.
- So when it's slow I have to, you know,
make sure I can do everything on the menu.
- Wow.
- Practice.
- What are you doing?
I was throwing it away.
[Chuckles]
I don't have to throw it away.
- You could help me out and eat 'em.
- I could help you out and eat 'em.
You are the most wonderful woman
who has ever lived.
- Enjoy.
- Gosh.
The last thing I need to do now is start obsessing
about the hot girl with the free ice cream.
- Yeah. That's the last thing you need, right?
- Yeah.
You know,
it used to be okay to obsess and say...
"I'm never gonna give up.
I'm gonna make her love me."
But now I'm too old.
If I did it, I'd be thrown in jail for stalking.
- I had a stalker once.
- Yeah?
Yeah. His name was Mick. He called me every day
for, like, a year, and I didn't even know him.
- What did he want?
- He wanted me to pay off my student loan.
dd[Continues]
Well, that's not really stalking.
No, but I did. I paid it after, like, a week, and he
kept calling me, 'cause he, you know, liked me.
He never even saw you, and he liked you.
How about that?
- It's pretty good.
- Yeah.
d With time on my hands
and you in my arms d
- James.
- Yeah?
You ever give a girl a hoagie shack?
Huh? A hoagie shack?
What's that?
That's when you take your wiener and you
sandwich it between the bosoms of a lady.
I sandwich my wiener
between the bosoms of a lady?
Exact... Yeah.
You're a guy.
You never had a nice little
old-fashioned hoagie shack?
dd[Continues]
Where do you get this stuff from?
Well, I gotta get back to work.
dd[Continues]
Actually, no, I never have.
Oh.
- Ooh. How's your ice cream?
- Good.
Yea!
[Chuckles]
You know what?
I'm gonna get going.
- Okay.
- Yeah. Yeah.
Um, thank you, though, very much
for the free ice cream.
- My pleasure. Anytime.
- All right.
[Chuckles]
Come back again.
[Bell Jingles]
- So, yes.
- I don't know.
Well, do you think that she, uh...
- I couldn't possibly know.
- What do you mean you couldn't possibly know?
- I wasn't there, but it seems like perhaps...
- I told you all the information.
I know. It seems like an offer to me,
but I wasn't there for her intonation.
- Well, bosoms and wiener...
- Yeah, well, it's got all the earmarks of an offer.
- It does have the earmarks of an offer.
- Yes.
Wow. What a... What a strange term.
"Hoagie shack."
Never heard of it.
- Hoagie shack.
- Hoagie shack.
Hoagie shack.
Hoagie shack.
- I can't stop staying it now.
- Hoagie shack.
- Hey, mister, hows about a hoagie shack?
- Have you ever done a hoagie shack?
I've never done... I've never heard of
a hoagie shack before, much less...
- So it's not just me. It would freak you out too.
- Oh, I would be taken aback. Yes.
Okay. So I'm not, like, you know, a loser
for not going, "Hey, we'll hoagie shack later."
No. It's understandable, but you
should have, yes, taken her up on it.
- But how do you do that in an ice cream parlor?
- You lead the life.
Hot dogs, ice cream, hoagie shacks.
You got it all.
- [Laughs] I do, don't I?
- Man.
- I'm lucky.
- Man.
- All right.
- One of these days you're gonna
have responsibilities.
Get the hoagie shack while you can.
That's what I say.
- Hey. How about my tape measure?
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Why are there no pictures on the walls?
- It's out of respect.
Out of respect? I've never gotten that.
What does that mean?
- It's out of resp... What do you want?
- Come on. There's nothing going on in your office.
It's an office. It's not a photo gallery.
What do you want?
Okay. Listen to me. Number one, why didn't I
get an audition for Marty with Burl Canasta?
I did submit you, and Burl Canasta
said that you're not right for the role.
Not right for the role? I know for a fact
my friend Larry Albert had an audition today.
- If he had an audition, it was for the movie.
It wasn't for the role of Marty. What else you need?
- Okay.
Your sister. She broke up with me.
Doesn't wanna go out with me anymore.
- I didn't know you two were serious.
- She never talked about it?
Listen. Listen.
I know this is a bad time,
but I'm dropping you as a client.
I'm sorry about you and my sister,
but, uh, I'm not kidding.
What's with your family?
Why now?
- Because you're feeling pain from a similar thing.
- What does that mean?
Well, it means that, uh, it's better to have
one big pain than two separate pains.
You know, why spread it out?
Just get it over with. One big pain.
- That's insane.
- You know what's insane?
The fact that you keep turning down auditions
because they're not up to your standards.
Well, I'd rather wait tables
than do crappy work.
- Have you ever waited tables?
- No.
Exactly.
This is Chicago, my friend.
It's not New York.
It's not L.A.
You can't be picky.
Who are you to screw up
some show like SmearJob?
That wasn't acting.
That was pure evil.
That's what the name should have been:
Pure Evil, brought to you by the devil.
It was money. You know how many shows
are shot in Chicago?
One?
I used to think you were terrific.
I used to think you were great.
Boy, was I wrong.
You're like a first round draft pick
that goes bust.
I'm sorry.
You're not sorry.
I'm a little sorry.
[Door Opens]
[Door Closes]
Hey, where were you?
- Out.
- Where?
None of your business.
I was at Gustav's Meats today.
This meat is as tender
as he said it would be.
Anyway, you know his daughter Maria.
No.
- No, what?
- No, I won't go out with her.
- I never said that.
- That's what you were going to say.
- I was not gonna say that.
- Oh, you were going to.
No. I wasn't because...
she got married last weekend.
And?
And there you are.
- You know, Ma, I'm gonna get going.
- But you haven't finished your dinner.
I'm not hungry.
Yes, I am.
dd[Soft Rock On Speakers]
dRamona d
d Where have you been d
dI couldn't go to sleep
till you came in d
Ooh. Oh.
- No way.
- You don't really want that album, do you?
- dRamona dd
- Ben Webster. Were you gonna get it?
Well, yeah, but you know Ben Webster?
Well, I don't "know him" know him.
My dad was a big fan
of Duke Ellington's...
and, you know, he loves his version of
"Danny Boy," and I love "Tenderly," so...
I wasn't even looking for this.
I just saw it. If you wanna get it...
- Ben and Sweets is a great album.
If you don't have it, you should get it.
- No... I know. I mean...
- But I don't wanna take it if you...
- No. Hey, hey. Um...
isn't there, like, a Ben Webster box set
that's due out soon?
Yeah. It's coming in like, uh, two weeks.
I got, uh, three comin'.
Great. Great, great.
Can I, uh, put, uh, one on hold?
Yeah, I could,
but I think you'll be just fine.
I don't think there's gonna be a big rush
on the Ben Webster box sets.
Big rush?
Take a look, my friend.
Mini-rush right now.
Your hair's blowin' back as we come at ya.
- [Laughs] Very good.
- Two of us.
- No, go ahead and... and get it. Please.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah. Please.
- That is so sweet of you.
- What's your name?
- Stella.
Stella. So your dad liked,
uh, Miles Davis too.
Yeah. Or a big Marlon Brando fan.
I've never quite figured that out.
- What's your name? I'm sorry.
- I'm James.
- James.
- Yeah. Nice meeting you, Stella.
- Nice meeting you.
- Yeah.
- Well, enjoy it. You're gonna love it.
- Oh, thanks.
Sure. All right. Um...
You're not getting anything?
No. l... l... l... I'm gonna come back.
I'll get the box set.
It'll be here. There won't be a rush.
- Okay. I'll... I'll... I'll get it.
- Oh. There you go.
- So, well, nice meeting you, Stella.
- Nice meeting you, James.
- Take care.
- Thank you. You too.
[Printer Whirring]
Kind of neat, two people
looking for Ben Webster.
Isn't it?
Well, I think it is.
Are you looking for me?
Oh, uh...
[Chuckles]
I live upstairs.
Oh.
- Did you want some more ice cream?
- Uh, no, no, no.
You know what? I really gotta stop eating
ice cream. I need to lose some weight.
- Yeah. I used to be chubby
when I was a little girl.
- Yeah, but I'm not a little girl.
No, you're a big girl.
Big, pretty girl.
Does the big, pretty girl
wanna go for a walk?
Sure. Yeah.
dd[Saxophone: Jazz]
- Have you seen Marty?
- Marty who?
- No, it's a movie. It's my favorite movie.
- Oh. No.
- Do you like rice puddin'?
- No.
I haven't tried it, but l... No.
Oh, you'd love it.
You don't know what you're missing.
How come you don't
have a girlfriend, James?
- [Laughs]
- I don't know how to answer that.
l... l... I, uh, um...
I don't know.
Have you ever had a relationship?
Um...
a couple.
Uh, let's see here.
Uh, there was, uh, one girl at camp.
Um, but that was imaginary.
- [Laughs]
- Um, and then, uh, let's see here.
Um...
Yeah. There's my agent's sister.
But that was more of a thing.
She really didn't have
that much interest in me.
How about you?
No. No relationships. Just sex.
Or... Or one... I did have one relationship
with a girl in college.
- Really?
- It... Hmm, yeah.
Well, she was a woman.
She was my women's studies professor.
Well, tell me more about
your hot lesbian professor.
It wasn't. It was... She...
It was just during college,
and I only went out with her...
'cause she looked like Barry Gibb,
and I love the Bee Gees.
- And I am no longer interested in the story.
- [Laughs]
[James]
As an adult, I've never really been on a picnic.
That's not really a picnic.
They don't have the red-and-white
checkerboard cloth and the picnic basket.
They're really just a couple
of young people in love eating cheese.
Mmm, I want someone to eat cheese with.
That's what I want.
That's so simple. That's perfect.
Although I'd probably prefer
rice pudding. I love...
I'm telling you. You have no idea
what you're missing. It's so good.
You wanna come with me
to buy some underwear?
I was just thinking that.
dd[Pop On Speakers]
You like this?
Mmm. Delicioso.
Oh.
You like this?
- Chocolaty.
- Chocolaty.
- Chocolaty.
- I'm trying this on.
All right.
- [Woman] Excuse me.
- Huh?
Your girlfriend wants to talk with you.
- Who?
- Your girlfriend.
Oh.
Come here.
Come here.
I need you to see this.
I need to know what you think.
- It's great.
- You're not even looking.
Hey. It's... It's great.
It's great.
All right.
I'm gonna try something else on.
I'm gonna need you to come back.
Uh, okay.
I'll be right here.
- You know what? I'm gonna go.
- Really?
Yeah.
I'll see ya tomorrow night
after your show.
- There you are.
- Hey.
Getting a little upset. Thought I was gonna
have to talk to 'em about being mayor.
- Thank you.
- All right. Well, I'm here. I'm sorry.
- Ms. Lewis, this is Penelope's UncleJames.
James, this is Penelope's teacher, Ms. Lewis.
- Hi.
- Stella.
- Yes.
- From the record store. Wow.
- Mm-hmm.
- You remember, huh?
- Yeah.
Okay. Um, I just need to say Mr. So-and-So.
Your last name?
- Oh, Aaron.
- Aaron. Oh. All right, kids. Okay. Kids.
This is Mr. Aaron.
Say, "Hello, Mr. Aaron," right?
[All]
Hi, Mr. Aaron.
Come on, we can do better than that.
A round of applause.
- Hi, Mr. Aaron!
- Hi, kids. Hi, kids.
I'm, uh... I'm, uh,
Penelope's uncle.
Well, I'm not really her uncle.
I'm actually her dad's best friend.
But she calls me uncle.
Yeah. Well, uh, what do I do?
I'm an actor.
Uh, I've been doing this for about,
uh, 20 years now.
Wow. Twenty years.
You would've thought I would have
made it already, you know?
I mean, that's a long time, 20 years.
Did you hear they're remaking Marty?
Yeah. Remaking Marty.
I don't know why-why would they
remake Marty? Makes no sense.
I would've been a perfect Marty.
Question, yeah.
Go ahead, my friend.
- I'm bored.
- What?
- I'm bored.
- What?
[All]
He's bored.
Oh. All right.
Uh, bored. Um...
All right, I'll try and, uh...
Let's see here. Um, okay, uh...
I should really keep going,
you know, not give up.
Uh, I do work.
I'm not gonna say I don't work.
I do work. I was on a show
recently, uh... Get this.
It was supposed to be a funny show,
but I made people cry. Isn't that silly?
Made people cry on a funny show? Hmm.
[Sighs] l... You know, the really... The big
thing for me is, I need somebody to love.
I want somebody to love. That's the thing
that's missing for me, is somebody to love.
And I did meet this one girl,
but she's kind of a nut-bag.
Maybe I'm the nut-bag for digging her,
you know? Who knows?
Do we really pick who we fall in love with
or does it just happen?
You know, bottom line is,
I need to get laid.
When I say "laid," I mean a nap.
I need a nap right now.
Do they have a cot here?
'Cause I couldjust
lay down all day long.
While you guys are learning,
I could take a nap and, uh...
You know, when I go to work sometimes,
I walk through the park.
And when I'm walking
through the park I, um...
I don't wanna step in doody,
and that's all that's in the park is doody.
- [All Laughing]
- Horse doody, dog doody, duck doody.
Bee doody. Bees make doody. They do.
There are just tons of doody.
- [Laughs] Doody.
- And also, there's a guy I gotta avoid.
You know why?
On his nose, the biggest booger
in the world.
- [Kids Laughing]
- Yeah, that's right.
His name? Baron von Booger.
That's his name.
- [Class Bell Rings]
- Oh.
l- I'm sorry. I am.
I don't know where that came from.
Please. The kids don't know what
it means. Don't even worry about it.
- I'm just so sorry.
- Please, I really... I understand.
- Well, thanks.
- Yeah, I mean, who hasn't been there?
You know what I mean? Where you think food or
sex somehow's gonna bring you some fulfillment.
And then you just realize that
all we really want is some love.
I mean, everybody feels that way,
don't you think?
The other night I went to a restaurant
and I was ordering ice cream.
I thought I'll just get a little something
to go, you know?
I ordered, like, a whole pint,
and then I sat there at the counter eating it.
Then the guy from the hardware store
came in to... for a pie to go.
And I almost left with him.
That's just...
You know what I mean.
- Sure, I do. Sure, I do.
- Right.
Yeah, I do. That's... I'm just embarrassed
about what happened, that's all.
Don't be.
Don't be embarrassed.
You know, when you're lonely,
you're lonely and...
[Sighs]
Do you have a couple minutes?
Now I'm really embarrassed.
I have to be honest.
Oh, God, no!
No, I didn't mean for that.
Oh, I didn't mean that either.
I didn't know. I didn't mean that.
Oh. I should shower right now,
just at the thought.
- Y-You didn't mean that?
- No, I didn't mean that.
What did you mean?
- I meant that. I did.
- Uh-huh.
- I meant that because...
- Can you give me one minute?
- Yes, I'll give you one minute.
- All right, good. Okay, I want you
to meet somebody.
[Clears Throat]
Do you know why you're here?
Uh, not really.
Well, um, Ms. Lewis,
um, is actually concerned.
- She said you had a misadventure.
- She said "misadventure"?
Misadventure. Mm-hmm.
Is that true?
I'd be careful if I were you, James.
She's a chubby chaser.
- What's a chubby chaser?
- l... Never mind. I'm sorry.
I just don't wanna get off track.
Um, James, are you familiar with...
the, uh, children's classic,
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory?
- Yeah.
- Okay. So you remember the oddity
that was Augustus Gloop?
The fat kid who fell
into the chocolate river.
The fat kid who fell into
the chocolate river. He was a sloth.
A gluttonous sloth.
And despite being warned, he fell into...
- The chocolate river.
- The chocolate river.
Jimmy, you are the chocolate river
of your life, all right?
And I'm Oompa Loompa.
Hmm. Isn't that cute? I'm Oompa Loompa.
Please, I'm begging you,
do not fall in.
Do not go near the room where they make the
strawberry-flavored, chocolate-coated fudge.
- I won't fall in.
- Well, then, okay.
You can just tell Ms. Lewis that we had a chitchat
and that you come back and see me if you need to.
And please don't tell her I told you
that she was a chubby chaser.
- I won't.
- Okay.
Do you think I'm pretty?
- [Mumbling] I don't know what that means...
- [Audience Laughing]
because I'm an old sharecropper.
- But I'd love some of your corn.
- Yes, of course.
It's funny you say sharecroppers,
and we're sharing a crop.
[Audience Laughing]
How is it my little lady
and I are gonna get us some corn?
Because, man, I love corn so much.
It overwhelm me the way
I love the corn. I love the corn.
Man, I remember as a little boy,
I sit on my grandpa's lap lovin' the corn.
Excuse me. Do you have a washcloth
in your mouth?
Why, you know what?
Let's take a look.
l-I have not brushed my teeth
in over 40 years.
There's a great possibility that
I could have a washcloth in my mouth.
[Laughing]
- [English Accent] Hello.
- [Applauding]
- Hi.
- Hi. Where do you want to go?
All right, before we go anywhere
I wanna establish something.
You are a huge-time hottie
and I am Baron von Fat.
- You're not fat.
- And you're a little bit crazy.
Where are we gonna go?
I'm cold.
All right, come on.
Here's what we're gonna do.
This will be lots of fun.
Um, let's go down the next aisle and when
we see each other, we'll do, like, a scenario.
- Okay.
- All right, um, I'm gonna be your,
um, 12th grade science teacher...
who, uh... who failed you.
And because he failed you, you didn't
get into the college that you wanted to.
- And you're seeing me for the first time.
- Excellent.
Cool. All right.
Um, by the way, I'm, uh, Mr. Johanssen.
- Oh.
- [Foreign Accent] Oh. Beth, is that you?
Mr. Johanssen.
You may call me Bill,
because we are both adults.
- Okay, Bill. Yeah.
- Hi.
- So how are you?
- I'm great.
I just... I really wanna thank you
for failing me in that class.
What?
I'll explain. See, when you failed me,
I wasn't able to get into Northwestern.
That was my number one school.
So when I couldn't go to my number
one school, I got so depressed...
I didn't even go to college.
- I am so sorry.
- Don't be sad, Bill.
Because once I got better,
once I came out of my funk...
I became Chicago's
number one crack whore.
- The number one crack whore?
- Yeah.
That is quite an accomplishment. You must
have done some things that are not clean.
The scum of the earth of Chicago
has been inside me.
Oh. Well, I must go home
and experiment on self.
Oh, yeah. I have to go too. I'm very busy.
Very popular. Can't keep the tricks waiting.
No, you cannot. Good-bye.
- So long.
- Bye-bye.
Bye.
- [Beth] That was fun.
- Okay. Let's try this one.
Uh, um, I'm a, um...
I'm a young cadet
fresh out of the academy...
and you are a, um...
a hippie chick.
Different sides of the track.
I'm in full, uh, uniform. Okay?
And you, uh... you love corn.
- I love corn.
- That's it.
I love corn.
- Oh.
- Ma'am, you seem to have dropped this.
Why, thank you, young cadet.
- Groovy uniform.
- Groovy, ma'am?
Yeah, groovy.
I'm a hippie chick...
who loves corn.
- [Both Laughing]
- [James] Oh, man.
That was a lame one.
Okay, uh, they're not all great.
Um, all right,
you think of the next one.
Okay. Um... you just be you.
- Be me?
- Yeah.
Okay. That's easy.
- You live near here?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay, what?
- Okay, I'll come over.
- You'll come over?
You'll come over.
Great. My mom's not home.
- You live with your mom?
- Yeah.
But she's out playing mahjongg.
Okay.
dd[Jazz]
How come you only have records,
no CDs?
[James] Uh, I've got some CDs,
but I, uh, prefer records.
- Why?
- Well, I, uh...
Do you really want me to tell you?
Hmm. You're right.
- You gotta kick me out.
- What?
I really wanna have sex with you. I really do.
But first, I need you to kick me out.
- You're kidding, right?
- No, I'm not. I'm not kidding.
Kick me out and I'll go home.
And then call me.
What kind of screwed-up
childhood did you have?
Just kick me out
and don't care about me...
and we'll call it a day, you know?
- And then call me another day and we'll...
- I'm not gonna kick you out.
[Sighs]
Okay, by not kicking me out,
you're basically asking me to leave.
I don't want you to leave.
I'm gonna leave.
[Door Opens, Closes]
[Knocking]
- Who was that?
- Myra, please.
Who?
Good night, Myra.
[Knocking]
I'm sorry.
- Hi.
- Hey. Did you sleep good?
- You snore.
- I know. I'm sorry.
[Mrs. Aaron]
Is someone here?
Oh. James, who's this?
I'm James's friend, Beth.
Oh. A girl. How sweet.
- Dear, would you sit down there?
- Sure.
- We'll have a cup of tea.
- Okay.
- You don't need to do that, Ma.
- Oh, I wanna do it. No trouble at all.
- I'd prefer if you didn't do that, Ma.
- Yes.
l-I'd like to know
your friend a little bit.
Tell me, uh, how long
have you known James?
- We just met.
- Oh.
- You like?
- Ma!
James is a lovely boy.
With my mom, both people
and food are lovely.
- The other day she asked me
if I wanted a lovely brisket.
- [Chuckles]
All right, you know what, Ma,
we're gonna go.
- I understand.
- Yeah.
- Why don't you come with us?
- Well, I'd like to, butJames wants me to,
uh, leave him alone.
- That I do.
- Yes, well, that's the way it is.
- Okay, let's go. Bye, Ma.
- It was nice to meet you.
Bye-bye, dear.
Nice to meet you, sweetheart.
Morning, Henry.
Why do you live with your mother?
Well, you know,
I figure she's just lonely and...
she needs someone
to keep her company and...
I really don't know why to be honest,
I just, uh...
It's comfortable and I don't know
what she'd do if I ever moved out.
- I want coffee.
- I could use some coffee too.
I'm just gonna go home
and get some Starbucks on the way.
You sure?
- Uh, I'll-I'll call you.
- Okay.
Okay.
- James?
- Yeah.
- Forget something?
- No.
- Where's the girl?
- She had to go home.
- Neil called from the theater.
- Well, what did he want?
- He didn't say.
- Hey, Ma, did you know that
they're remaking Marty?
- What do you mean, remaking?
- New actors, same movie.
They're remaking Marty.
They're redoing the movie.
- That's wonderful.
- No, it's not wonderful.
It's horrible.
I mean, why would you remake Marty?
It's a perfect movie.
And even worse than that, I can't get an audition.
The casting director won't see me.
Why don't you go and tell that casting
director that you wanna be in the movie?
- 'Cause it doesn't work that way.
- Why not?
You're right. Why not?
Put on something nice.
Why don't you just tell me
to put on the blue suit?
The blue suit.
What blue suit?
It was a joke, like in Marty...
when she tells him to put on the blue suit
and go to the Stardust Ballroom.
- Do you have a blue suit?
- I do.
- Wear it.
- All right. I will, Ma.
I'm, uh, here to audition for, uh, Marty.
Oh, we're actually just
seeing, uh, Claras today.
I know. He told me that.
But I think you should see me for Marty.
I'm perfect.
It's my favorite all-time movie, man.
- You gotta let me audition.
- Not now, James.
Well, if you don't let me audition,
I'm gonna stay here all day.
- Ooh.
- Not gonna leave.
- Y- You don't wanna do that.
- Oh, yes, I do.
- Oh, you shouldn't do that.
- I will.
Okay. Okay, fine.
- Glenn, who's my next Clara?
- She is.
Okay.
Come on in.
- [James] I'll be right here.
- Yeah.
Sorry to freak you guys out,
but, uh, l-I have to do this.
[Man]
Why are you doing this?
Well, uh, last night I had sex
for the first time in five years...
and I'm feeling pretty invincible.
I know, it's a little bit too much
information, but... I'm sorry.
Come on, James.
It's been cast.
- Burl...
- It's cast. It's cast.
- See me.
- It's cast. The role has been cast.
- Who's playing Marty?
- Aaron Carter.
- Who is Aaron Carter?
- If you were a teenage girl, you'd know.
- They're making Marty for teenage girls?
- Mmm.
- Who's playing the mother?
- Gina Gershon.
- Marty's mom is hot?
- She is now.
- Have you ever seen Marty?
- Of course I've seen Marty.
- You've never seen Marty.
- I have seen Marty.
Who starred in Marty?
Ernest Borgnine won an Academy Award.
Who wrote it?
- Uh...
- Paddy Chayefsky.
Gosh.
[James] Did you hear, uh,
they're remaking Marty?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, I heard.
- You know who's playing Marty?
- Who?
- Aaron Carter.
- The old Wonder Woman?
- [Chuckles] That's Linda Carter.
- Oh, right.
- No, Aaron Carter.
Right, uh, pop star.
I think my daughter likes him.
Well, she's gonna love
the new Marty, okay?
I'll let her know.
James, I gotta fire you.
It's nothing personal.
It's just you've been around here too long.
And I got some great people in the touring
company I gotta move up or I'm gonna lose 'em.
But it's nothing personal.
Listen to me, I'm telling you, it's not personal.
You should give L.A. another shot.
Go on out there.
You're not getting any younger.
I'm not going to L.A.
I'm staying here in Chicago.
Well, that's your business,
but you can't stay here. I'm sorry.
You're not sorry.
You're right. I'm not.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi, Ma.
- Where you going with flowers?
- Uh, to see a girl about a horse.
Oh, what do you mean?
Uh, it's what Grandpa used to say,
to see a man about a horse.
Uh-huh. And?
So I'm gonna see a girl about a horse.
I was just having... Never mind.
- Well, what are you doing with flowers?
- I'm goin' to see a girl.
- Well, don't do anything I would do.
- Wouldn't do.
[Chuckles]
That's too negative.
- Bye, Ma.
- Bye, sweetie.
- I love you.
- Love you.
Um, Clark, north of Addison.
Can do.
You meeting a girl?
- What makes you say that?
- The flowers. You going on a date?
Um... no, I'm just meeting a girl.
Uh, I'm not...
No date. It's not a date.
[Chuckles]
Don't do it, okay? Don't do it.
- What are you talking about, don't do it?
- Don't do it.
l... I can turn the meter off
right now and take you home.
I won't charge you a penny.
Well, why do you say that?
Because I can tell these...
I know these things.
That girl gonna break your heart, man.
I know these things.
- You know she's gonna break my heart?
- I know she's gonna break your heart.
Oh, I think it'll be fine.
l-l-I don't think any problem.
I'm just going over to see a girl.
Nothing more than that.
Not too late.
I can still take you home.
No.
Should I wait?
Maybe I'll wait.
No. Don't wait.
I tried.
- [Man] Who is it?
- James.
- James who?
- James Aaron.
I don't know anyJames.
Then why did you askJames who?
Good night.
- [Beth] Hello?
- Beth, it's James.
I'll be right down.
- Hi.
- Thanks. Hey.
- Why are you here?
- Just wanted to see you.
Well, I don't want flowers. I don't want
someone to bring me flowers.
- So I won't bring you flowers anymore.
- No.
There's no anymore. There's
not gonna be an anymore, James. It's...
What about wanting somebody
to eat cheese with?
I just... I've never been with a fat guy.
I mean, it was fun.
It just... was just a thing, you know.
Oh.
Don't look at me so sad.
You're gonna be fine.
You're gonna be okay.
Thanks for the flowers.
- [Bell Dings]
- Uh, thank you.
- Hello, James.
- Hello, Claude.
- I spoke to the producers tonight.
- Producers?
And they said that there's some parts
that are still open.
- What parts, what producers?
- The producers of Marty.
I saw them earlier this evening at Gamekeepers.
I told them I'm Claude Clochet...
and I've won threeJoseph Jefferson Awards
for excellence in the theater arts.
I told them I didn't have much time
to do their film...
as I'm currently in rehearsals for
Creme Brulee, a new work by Vic Meyerson.
I hadn't heard of Vic either
until last year when we met at a party...
and he came up to me and he said,
"You're Claude Clochet, are you not?"
And I said,
"I am indeed Claude Clochet."
And he said, "Claude Clochet, I believe
that you are an instrument of emotions."
And I said, "Huh.
That's funny and ironic...
because I often think of myself
as an instrument of emotion."
And then I thought to myself
if, as an instrument of emotion...
I happen to win three
Joseph Jefferson Awards, well, then so be it.
At that time I'd only won two,
but I knew a third was soon to come.
I didn't feel it. I knew it.
And, as a matter of fact, I told this very story
as part of my acceptance speech.
Great.
There's still some parts open.
I thought you might like to know.
And maybe you can have Herb call for you.
I gotta go.
[Bell Dings]
- You're all out.
- They're gonna deliver tomorrow.
- I can't believe you're all out.
- Well, I got some in back, but they're
way past their freshness date.
- How far past?
- I don't know. I just know it's not fresh.
- Get 'em.
- You don't want those.
Please, get 'em, Dick.
Oh.
[Bell Dings]
- Where's the guy?
- I don't know. He went in the back.
That's weird.
I've never seen this before.
We ought to just walk out of here,
teach him a lesson.
It's outrageous.
- Where were you?
- I had something to take care of.
- I got stuff to do too, you know.
- I'm sorry.
- If you cared, you'd be out here.
- I got diarrhea, okay? You happy?
Yeah, actually I am happy.
Dick like you deserves diarrhea.
- [Bell Dings]
- Wow. Do you believe that guy?
- Diarrhea?
- It's all I could think of.
- Here, I found some.
- Oh, man. Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Don't. No, don't. They're old.
I'm not gonna charge you for 'em.
Here. Take 'em.
- Milk's on me.
- Wow. Thank you.
Uh, it's none of my business...
but I think you got a problem.
Take it for what it's worth.
Thanks.
[Engine Starts]
[Sighs]
- [Mrs. Aaron]
How did things go with that girl?
- I'd rather not talk about it.
Why not?
Because you're my mom.
You're gonna have an opinion.
- I will not.
- Oh, yes, you will.
No. There's nothing that
you can say that will get me.
- Nothing?
- Nothing.
All right. Um...
let's see, the other night, uh,
when you were out playing mahjongg...
I, um...
I had sex for the first time
in five years.
- Uh, and...
- And?
Yes, and-and, uh, she only did it...
for her own little game,
or I don't even know why...
she felt bad for me,
I'm not sure.
But, uh, it wasn't about anything,
and she doesn't really dig me.
- And...
- And?
I'm, uh, moving out.
Jamesy, l-l-I do think
you should move out.
You need to live your own life.
[Chuckles] All right. I'm s... Wow.
I'm shocked that you'd even say that.
Okay, well.
So tomorrow I'm gonna
go look for an-an apartment.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That's good. I think I'll look for one too.
I hate it here.
I thought I was gonna be
the one to move out.
Well, couldn't we both move out?
- Let's both move out.
- Get our own...
- We'll help each other look for apartments.
- We'll get our own places.
- Yes.
- It'll be no trouble.
- And I'll have sex.
- All you want.
[James]
I have lived a life of unhealthy choices.
Elaborate.
I'm an actor. How healthy is that?
As... Wait, hold on.
I'm not even an actor, okay?
I got fired from Second City.
- Being an actor isn't, in itself, unhealthy.
- Okay.
I stand up on stage and I say,
"Hey, everybody, look at me. Look at me.
"I'm worthy and good.
Cheer me and applaud.
Hooray for me, the actor."
- Okay, I'll give you that one.
- Okay. Secondly.
I like 'em young and insane.
I do. Okay?
And someday I'd like to be married
and have kids, and here I am some fat-ass...
By the way, that's the third thing.
I'm fat-assed.
Look, I am married
to an old insane woman...
who, by the way, when we met,
was young and insane.
It's not so much who you're attracted to,
but you do need to lead a healthier life.
You know what, I've decided from now on
I want you to refer to me as "Kitten."
You seem real comfortable
with yourself, but you're not.
- The magic of self-loathing.
- I know it well.
- Hello, Luca. Hello, James.
- Hello, ladies.
- We're ready, Luca.
- Wonderful. So am I.
So am I.
I think we should play canasta.
As long as we have blackjack,
I don't care what else we use.
That's okay too.
That's okay too.
- Casino night.
- Oh. Sounds like fun.
Why don't you come?
We don't see you often.
Oh, that's so nice of you, Mrs. Schwartz.
Uh, maybe I will. I'll consider it.
- [Whispering]
- Okay. Nice to see you, ladies.
Bye, ladies.
I think she's got a thing for you,
that Mrs. Schwartz.
Yeah, that's just what I want now
is elderly and insane.
I'm just saying
it's there if you want it.
It's there if I want it.
Philip, don't forget,
flyer for the art fair, everybody.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- I'm here to pick up Penelope.
- Oh, you've got your official note.
- Mm-hmm.
- All right, sure.
Penelope, your UncleJames
is here for you, hon. How are ya?
I'm great.
Much better than the last time. Uh...
- Oh, good. So you're good.
- I'm, uh... Yeah, I'm young and handsome.
Yes, you are.
That's right.
You're, uh, a chubby chaser.
[Penelope]
Hi, UncleJames.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Where's Daddy?
- He had to work late, so I thought
I'd come and get you and we'd have fun.
- Okay.
Honey, where's your lunch box?
You better go fetch that, right?
- Oh.
- You don't wanna leave that here.
Chubby chaser?
I'm a chubby chaser?
Yeah. You know, a chubby chaser.
- Who said that to you?
- That guidance lady.
The one you, uh, sent me to.
- Guidance lady?
- Yeah, you...
She has... She does have a name.
Oh, Ms. Clark.
Ms. Clark.
The guidance lady, yeah.
- I think it's Mr. Faye is why it happened, why...
- Mr. Faye?
Yeah. He was a teacher that worked here
that was a little overweight...
and he didn't have any friends,
and I asked him to dinner.
He turned me down and then he started
telling everybody I had the hots for him, so...
- Wow.
- That's where it started.
I'm not chasing all the chubbies.
I would never deliberately
run after chubby men.
Not that there's anything
wrong with chubby men.
You know what I mean?
Fat guys can be a lot of fun. Not fat guys.
I'm saying guys that eat a lot more
than other people...
and some of the weight
stays on their body inappropriately.
- Mm-hmm.
- It's good to see you here.
I've never seen you pick up Penelope before.
I'm sorry. I get on a rampage sometimes.
Well, I thought it'd be fun and, uh...
I love hanging out with her,
and I get to say hi to you.
That's very nice.
I didn't bring my lunch box today.
It was pizza day.
No, it's not pizza day.
I think you did bring your lunch box.
It was pizza day.
I thought you brought it.
I think I madejust an honest mistake.
- Is what happened.
- Okay, um...
- I just thought she could make sure
that she didn't bring it.
- Sure.
[Chuckles]
Yeah.
- Well, nice, uh, seeing you again.
- Mm-hmm. Nice seeing you too.
- Should I take a flyer? Bring a flyer?
- Yeah, you better or I'll chase you out of here.
[Chuckles]
All right, uh, bye.
- Bye-bye.
- Bye.
- Come on, sweetie.
- Bye, cutie.
- You're gonna die without a son.
- So I'll die without a son.
Put on your blue suit, huh?
Blue suit, gray suit.
I'm still a fat man. A fat, ugly man.
- You no ugly.
- I'm ugly! I'm ugly! I'm ugly!
- Marty.
- Leave me alone, Ma.
- It was pretty good.
- You know, I thought so too.
What, you stole 3-D glasses?
I didn't know they weren't for...
What do you wanna do?
Um, I don't know.
What do you wanna do?
Want to get something to eat?
You know what, I wanna get something to eat,
but I'm not gonna get something to eat.
l... I'm not hungry and so, if I'm not hungry
I'm not gonna eat. No more bonus eating.
- Good for you.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Wanna watch me eat?
- What do you mean, come watch you eat?
Why would I wanna come watch you eat?
You know what?
I'm gonna go see my mom.
I haven't seen her for a while.
- How's she doing?
- She's doing great.
- I thought she'd freak out after I moved out,
but you know what? She's digging it.
- Good for her.
Maybe she'll come watch you eat.
- Hey, tell her I said hi.
- I'll tell her you said hi.
So what are you doing tonight?
- Ah, gonna stay home.
- And do what?
- I don't know, watch TV, watch Jackie Gleason.
- Oh, boy, that's a thrill.
- Jackie Gleason.
- Again with the Jackie Gleason.