People always say...
there's no such thing
as the perfect crime.
But I don't agree with that.
If you plan things
carefully enough...
if you think through
every last detail...
if you have nerves of steel...
if you can remain calm
no matter what happens...
there should be no problem
you can't handle.
It's really all
a matter of character.
Of course,
if I had any character...
I wouldn't have stolen
$2 million from my boss.
Christmas Eve.
Ho, ho, fucking ho.
Well? How did it go?
Good. Went good.
How much?
A lot.
Am I gonna have to slap
the shit out of you? How much?
Vic, it's a great big
fucking pile of money.
$2,147,000 and change.
Hmm.
My God,
we're actually doing this.
No, we're not doing it.
It's already done.
Look, don't be so worried.
The hard part's done already.
Everything worked
just like you said it would.
Yeah. I guess.
Just act normal for a few
hours and we're home free.
Okay?
Okay.
Okay.
You wanna take the money
and not me?
You wanna take the money?
No. I don't know.
I was just...
Well, if you wanna
take the money...
I mean, if you think
you can do a better job...
of guarding $2 million...
No, no, no. It should
be you. It should be you.
It's just we didn't
discuss that.
Are we through discussing it?
Or is there more to say
on the subject?
No, we're done.
Cool. Okay, shut the door.
Okay.
Okay. And, Charlie.
Yeah?
Act normal.
Yeah.
Oh, good! Good.
No, no, no.
No, no.
That's none of your business.
That's none of your
fucking business, all right?
I don't give a shit,
you toothless old whore.
Mom. Mom, I gotta go.
Don't you ever
touch her again!
Sidney! Sidney! No! No!
Don't hurt him.
Jeez, it's Christmas.
I love you.
Don't be an asshole.
Giselle, come on,
hop up there.
Merry Christmas, Sidney.
Hi, Charlie.
Didn't see you come in.
Who gave Rusti the shiner?
Her asshole boyfriend.
Some dipshit guitar player.
I swear to God,
if he comes in here again...
I'm gonna break his
fucking fingers.
Jesus, look at this place.
Just 'cause it's Christmas...
people all of a sudden
can't look at tits and ass?
Hi, Renata.
Hello, Counselor.
Not drinking tonight?
Just watching the floorshow.
Sidney, get my favorite
crooked lawyer a beer.
Actually, I'll take a rum.
Rum?
Mmm-hmm.
Rum and what?
Got any pineapple juice?
If you got one of those
little plastic umbrellas...
you can put that thing
in there.
What?
You look like the cat that
swallowed the canary, is what.
Like you're about
to belch a feather.
Been working on this
acquisition deal for a while...
and it finally came through,
so...
Is this
a Bill Guerrard thing?
No, this is a... No.
Charlie Arglist.
Man of mystery.
This mean
you're rich, Charlie?
'Cause if you are,
we could run away together.
It's a thought.
Leaving Wichita.
Damn right, it's a thought.
Come the first of the year, there'll
be no more nude dancing in the city.
Which means
I'm fucked.
And don't tell me, "Move
out to the county," either.
Because Bill Guerrard's
got the county all to himself.
And I don't think
he's looking for competition.
Isn't that right,
Charlie?
You should let me
help you out.
If I was real smart, I'd
see this as an opportunity.
I could, you know.
Could what?
Help you.
You, Charlie?
If you had that photo...
Of Councilman Williams
and Cupcake? Mmm-hmm.
Vic's got that photo.
And I know
he won't give it to me...
because I've asked him nice
and he just won't.
Well, he wouldn't
have to know.
Well, that would be
just about...
the nicest Christmas present
you could give me, Charlie.
I'd have to think of something
extra nice to give you in return.
No. Forget it.
I appreciate the thought, but you'd
be getting in way over your head.
Vic Cavanaugh and Bill Guerrard
eat guys like you for lunch.
Sidney.
Yo.
I'll be back later
to close up.
It's against my religion
to give out personal advice...
but you should either sober up
or get real drunk.
That's fucking horrible.
Toss it and give me a beer.
"As Wichita falls,
so falls Wichita Falls. "
Have you seen
Charlie tonight?
No. You just missed him.
How about Vic?
Seen Vic?
No. Not yet.
Of course,
it is Christmas.
Yeah, right.
Christmas.
"As Wichita falls,
so falls Wichita Falls. "
What sort of fucking moron
would write such a thing?
Roy Gelles is in town.
Vic, did you hear me?
Roy Gelles is in town.
So what?
So he's looking for us.
So maybe he knows.
That's what.
Roy Gelles doesn't know shit.
Roy Gelles knows
what Bill Guerrard tells him.
And Bill doesn't know
shit either, so chill out.
Then what is he doing in town
on Christmas Eve?
Thank you, sweetie.
I appreciate it.
He's got a daughter in town.
Maybe he's visiting her.
Like you said,
it's Christmas.
That still doesn't explain
why he's at the Sweet Cage.
Listen, Charlie, don't go
squirrelly on me now, okay?
Just stick to the plan.
Maybe we should leave now.
Well, we're not going to.
In case you haven't noticed, it's
a fucking hockey rink out there.
Oh, my God,
what have I done?
What?
Nothing.
They say the rain is
supposed to stop by midnight.
By 5:00 in the morning,
we're in Kansas City...
where we enjoy a leisurely
breakfast at the airport...
and by 8:00, we're on a plane
to someplace warm...
where it's against
the fucking law to rain, okay?
Click.
Vic? Vic?
Fuck me.
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa!
Fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Hi, Mr. Arglist.
I didn't recognize you.
Hi.
Yeah. Boy, I didn't realize
how slippery that was.
Yeah. Didn't you notice all the
cars off the side of the road?
I wasn't paying close
enough attention, I guess.
You going somewhere, Mr. Arglist? No.
Hey, none of my business,
right?
I'd be careful, though.
We're gonna have this freezing
rain on and off all night...
so I'd stay off the road...
and probably take it easy
with that, too.
The next guy
who pulls you over...
might be somebody
who don't know any better.
I definitely owe you one.
All right. It's Tyler.
It's R.P. Tyler.
Remember my name
to Mr. Guerrard.
I will.
What is it?
Just kidding. Just kidding.
Have a merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Dickhead.
I'm not working Christmas
for no fucking money, Dennis.
I'm not.
I could be at home spending
Christmas with my kids.
Your kids with your husband,
Francie. They in Denver.
Fuck you very much
for throwing that in my face.
Look, you can cry all you
want, but you're still going on.
You've been here long enough
to know the goddamn drill.
You wanna work on the hot nights,
you gotta work on the cold.
Fuck it, Dennis.
I'm not paying Bill Guerrard
a $100 stage rental fee...
so some old pervert can look at
my twat on Christmas fucking Eve!
Go dance.
Tell you what.
Since it's Christmas Eve...
stage rental's on the house.
Hi, Charlie.
I didn't see you come in.
Hi.
You mean it?
Uh-huh.
Gee, thanks.
Since when are you a friend
of the working girl?
It's Christmas, Dennis.
It's God's birthday.
Well, hello there, Councilman.
So, Dennis, you're saying
you haven't seen Charlie, huh?
Charlie? No.
Why do you ask?
How about Vic Cavanaugh?
You seen him?
Dude, I don't do henchmen,
man. I do strippers.
Hey, Frankie.
Is Vic around?
He's sitting over there.
Let me get you a drink.
Thanks.
Victor.
You know, us being seen
together, tonight of all nights...
is probably not so smart.
I would have called...
but I had
a bit of a situation.
So, guess who's
over at the Tease.
Roy Gelles.
I just spoke to him.
You just spoke to him?
Yeah, I spoke to him.
Come on, man. What the
fuck... What did he say?
What's wrong with you? He just
called to wish me a merry Christmas.
Well, what
did you say?
Well, I wished him
a merry Christmas.
What did he say?
What the hell
are you so worried about?
Vic, I sue people
for a living.
You sell them pornography.
Roy hurts people.
He makes it so their knees and
elbows bend in both directions.
That worries me.
Let me ask you something.
Did I make a mistake when I
made you my partner in this deal?
Hey! You didn't make me your partner.
I am the one who showed you...
how to steal $2 million worth
of Bill Guerrard's money.
Then I showed you how to do it so
he wouldn't know what you'd done...
till it was too late.
What we've done, okay?
Remember that.
What we've done.
And here's the thing
about what we've done.
Mr. Arglist?
Oh, thank you.
Thank you.
Left to yourself, you'd
still be on a barstool...
thinking about
how it could be done...
if somebody had the balls
to do it. Which is me.
Don't poke, Vic, okay?
I get it.
Hello.
Yeah.
I know that.
I know that.
I know that, too.
All right,
I gotta get out of here.
So, I'll meet you
at the Velvet Touch at 1:00.
Just like we planned,
all right? Who was that?
Not that it's any
of your fucking business.
That was my wife.
Thank you.
Thank you, sweetie.
The lovely Gladys, of whom you've
heard me speak over the years...
with tenderness
and affection.
She was wondering
if I'm gonna be home...
in time for midnight worship.
I thought that's who you were...
Oh, having dinner with? No, no.
See, Gladys is
on the Subway Diet.
She has a couple of foot-longs
at lunch, couple at dinner.
Buys her clothes
from Omar the Tentmaker.
But perhaps I'm being unkind.
Anyway, let me out of here.
Hey, Vic.
Yeah?
If you wouldn't mind, you know,
in case we get separated...
tell me where the money is.
Excuse me, Mr. Arglist.
That's hilarious.
He's something else.
Yeah.
Mr. Arglist, I wonder
if I might have a word?
Sure. Vic!
Mr. Arglist, I'm sorry to bother you.
I believe
you can help us.
Peter Van Heuten is a
friend of yours, right?
Yes.
He's in no shape to drive...
Charlie fucking Arglist!
Yo ho ho, mo-fo!
What are you doing here, man?
Hiya, Pete.
Merry Christmas!
It's good to see you!
Good to see you!
What are you doing here, man?
The real people are in there.
Let's go in here.
Everybody, I want you to meet...
Listen up, a friend of mine...
This is Charlie Arglist, the
most talented and handsome...
mob lawyer in all of Kansas.
I really wish you
wouldn't do that. Come on.
Come on. That was Vic Cavanaugh you
were hanging out with back there.
So what? Hey, let me ask you a question.
Is it true that one time...
he cut the hand off of somebody
who stuck their fingers...
up the twazzallah of a
dancer over at Tease-O-Rama?
Look around at the bar.
Do you see a lot
of one-armed men in here?
Because if they chopped off
the hand...
of every guy who tried
that with a stripper...
half the men in Wichita
would be wearing hooks.
Are you trying to tell me that these
are just normal guys you work for?
What are you doing here?
Trying to get my ashes hauled,
like everybody else!
NoI, Joyeux NoI!
It's all right.
He's drunk.
Sarabeth isn't performing
that function anymore?
Did she do that
for you oftentimes...
throughout your saga?
Occasionally. Not very often. Mmm-hmm.
Is she still wearing
flannel to bed?
Silly me.
I thought, until I met
and married Sarabeth...
that it was
only little children...
who wore those things with
the feet sewn on the bottom.
You could have warned me
about that.
And I'm actually
being kind of serious here.
I tried to, Pete.
I really did.
Yeah, bullshit. I was the end
of your alimony problem.
That's what I was.
Like hell. You were in love.
With my wife.
Love.
Someday somebody is going
to tally up the cost...
of that particular illusion.
Hey.
Yeah?
Did you ever go and...
The strippers?
Yeah, occasionally.
Yeah?
Yeah, sure.
When I'm really desperate...
or completely shit-faced, or
generally have my head up my ass.
I'm all those three things
right now, baby. Let's go!
So how you doing
otherwise, buddy?
Great. Great. Really great.
Drawing a lot of buildings.
Making a fucking fortune.
Well, listen.
I gotta make a phone call.
If you just hold down
the fort here and remain calm.
Remain calm.
Big mob lawyer.
Sweet Cage.
Sidney, is Renata back yet?
No. She just called.
Said she's on her way.
All right, listen...
when she gets back, you tell
her I have that present...
that I mentioned for her
earlier and not to leave.
Okay? Bye.
Mr. Arglist.
Councilman.
I wonder if we might
have a quiet word.
Actually, I'm kind of...
Would you be good enough to deliver
a message from me to Mr. Guerrard?
Wichita is a community
of good people, Mr. Arglist.
Christian people.
Yeah, half of them are in this
very bar trying to get laid.
That may well be. But my
point is, some time ago...
in a moment of weakness,
I did a very foolish thing.
And that foolish thing
was photographed.
I believe that photo is in the
possession of a Mr. Vic Cavanaugh...
an associate of yours,
who refuses to surrender it...
despite several generous
offers for its purchase...
the last of which,
delivered not 10 minutes ago.
People can be stubborn.
Do you think Mr. Guerrard would be
able to persuade Mr. Cavanaugh...
Oh.
...to reconsider if he understood
his own interests in the matter?
Well, Mr. Guerrard is one of
the most persuasive men I know.
What kind of figures
are we talking about here?
Are we talking about four?
Five? Six?
Five, Mr. Arglist.
Low five.
Councilman, I think
the photo in question...
might be closer than
you can possibly imagine.
You've given me hope, Mr.
Arglist. Merry Christmas.
Wonderful season, isn't it? So
full of mutual understanding.
Yeah.
You gotta know the whole
culture is in the toilet...
if a guy dressed like that can
get laid in a place like this.
Hey, you're flipping off the
mob here, just so you know.
Did I mention to you that I
really wish you wouldn't do that?
Yeah.
M- O-B, mob. Okay?
All right, let's go.
Right back at you, huh?
And there, that one, too.
There, see?
That's my chair in there.
You wanna know the truth?
I can't fill it.
Neither could I, if it
makes you feel any better.
Listen, Charlie.
Before we go in, there's
something I have to tell you.
It's been on my conscience, and
you can punch me if you want to.
I don't think
I'm gonna want to.
Back when you and Sarabeth were
still married that last year...
Uh-huh.
...she and I
were fucking.
No kidding?
Like minks. Everywhere.
Kitchen table, your bed, garage.
Wow.
Jesus, Charlie,
we were friends.
It doesn't make you angry?
Actually, it makes me curious.
Makes me wonder
who she's fucking now.
Yo ho ho!
Merry fucking Christmas!
Guess who I brought with me?
Ghost of Christmas Past.
Ooh.
Marley!
Get the fuck in here.
Hey, everybody.
Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
Hello, Charlie.
Come in
and have a piece of pie.
Hi, Dottie.
No, thank you. I'm fine.
I just wanted to stop in and
wish you all a very merry...
Screw the pie, you old harpy.
We're here for dinner.
Turkey, cranberry,
stuffing, the works!
Thanks. Yeah.
Yeah. Motherfucker.
Yeah.
Turkey-alurkey.
Pathetic.
What did you say, Stan?
You two are pathetic.
Makes me ashamed to be a man.
I'm pathetic?
I'm pathetic?
Who paid for that
hip replacement...
your insurance company
wouldn't cover, huh?
Dad, tell me that!
And who took care of your mortgage
payments when you were recuperating?
And when you're
done with that...
maybe you could
explain to me who it was...
raised his only daughter...
to be a cold, gossiping,
hypocritical bitch!
So, Spence, how you doing?
Go to hell.
Don't you talk
to your father that way.
He's not my father. He didn't
even send us presents this year.
I hate his guts.
Is that right, Charlie?
You didn't even send them
any Christmas presents?
No.
Christmas is tomorrow.
Guess what, Daddy?
I was in the Christmas play.
So what?
All you were was Tiny Tim's sister,
and you didn't even have any lines!
And he didn't even
come to watch!
He would have, but Mommy
didn't send an invitation!
I'm sorry, Charlie,
but maybe you should go now.
And perhaps you would give
Pete a ride home?
Sarabeth and the children
will be staying here tonight.
Okay.
Yeah.
Listen, sweetie,
I'm gonna go...
and I'm gonna come back and
visit you tomorrow, all right?
Don't believe him, Melissa. He's
lying. All he ever does is lie.
Shut up!
Merry Christmas, Charlie.
On the whole,
I thought that went well.
Yeah, it's good
to see the family.
What do you say, one more
drink? The night is young.
All right, one more,
that's it. Okay. One more.
Melissa really misses you.
Not Spencer. He hates me.
You just gotta give him time.
He'll come around.
Your leaving came
at an awkward age for him.
A clean break is best.
No, a clean break is easiest.
On you.
Oh.
Are you saying
you have no regrets?
Don't believe in them.
Bullshit.
Everybody has regrets.
Guys our age,
what else is there?
I ever tell you
my father was a twin?
Identical?
Fraternal.
Looked a lot alike, though,
him and my uncle.
Different temperaments
completely.
My father, he's a cop.
By-the-book guy.
Believed in the law. Wanted
his only son to be a lawyer.
Drank in moderation,
didn't smoke.
Kept up his
life insurance premiums.
Voted in every election,
not just for president.
Let me guess.
Uncle didn't vote.
He said he didn't want
to encourage the bastards.
In and out of jail
from the time he was 16...
drunk all the time,
fucked everything that walked.
Won a fortune playing poker,
lost it all the same way.
Lost an eye in a fight.
Half his life...
So what you're trying to say
is, you take after your uncle.
I wasn't finished.
My father was 54...
when he died of a massive
embolism, right here in Wichita.
My uncle
died the very next day...
in a car wreck in California.
So the point is...
it is futile to regret.
You do one thing,
you do another...
I mean, so what?
What's the difference?
Same result.
How many of these lights
you gonna sit through?
See if I tell you
another fucking story.
Sorry, guys, we're closed.
We just want one drink.
Each.
My friend's a mobster. You
might know that, you might not.
I'll tell you what. I'll
give you one, on the house...
if you drink it up and leave.
But I'm not opening
my register back up.
Thank you, gorgeous.
Do you know where this last
drink is going to take me?
To that perfect stage
of drunkenness.
And then, do you know
what I'm going to do?
I'm going to go straight home,
go to bed, and dream of you.
I don't think I'd pursue
that particular line.
You with him?
Yeah.
Makes no difference.
It's okay.
It's a free country.
And any man can dream
anything he wants to dream.
And tonight
I'm gonna dream of you.
All right, I gotta make a
phone call. I'll be right back.
Okay, behave yourself.
Sweet Cage.
Sidney, is Renata back yet?
No. Not yet.
But you won't believe
who just walked in.
Roy Gelles? No. Forget
Roy Gelles, will you?
That fucking guitar player.
The one who gave Rusti
the black eye.
What's going on?
I swear to God...
if he gives Rusti any trouble, I'm
gonna break his fucking fingers.
What's your name,
jock strap?
Which hand should I break?
I don't have the answer
to that question, Sidney.
Listen, when Renata gets
back in, just tell her...
I know.
You got a present for her.
I hope you don't think she's
gonna fuck you, Charlie.
Think it's out of the
question? Absolutely.
Merry Christmas, Sidney.
Yeah.
Merry Christmas, Charlie.
Would you like to know what
you're going to be wearing...
in my little dream?
Disregard him.
Hmm.
That fish necklace,
and that's it.
Completely disregard him
tonight. He's drunk.
Except for that necklace, you're
gonna be one naked little Christian.
Pete, not that you're asking
for my advice...
but, listen, I would shut
the fuck up right now.
Yeah.
Hey. Sporty Nuts.
Pete.
If you don't get laid tonight,
fish necklace or no...
it's 'cause
you're not trying, my son.
Pete, I hope you're
listening to me.
And if you play
your cards right...
this hot-assed
little Jesus freak...
just might initiate you into the
Campus Crusade for Cunnilingus.
Do you notice that I am practicing
non-violent resistance...
in honor
of the Christmas holiday?
Because that's the way...
baby Jesus
would have wanted me to do it.
That was unpleasant.
I think I scraped my tummy.
Hmm.
Oh, my nuts.
I got it. I got it.
You sure?
I got it.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus Christ, Pete, you had
the whole goddamn parking lot.
Why did you have
to throw up in the car?
I think that boy drove one of my
testicles up into my body cavity.
Are you sure?
I don't know
where else it could be.
Okay, bounce me.
Again, again.
Now, three times fast.
Three times fast!
If you're trying to shake the
money out of his pockets...
you gotta turn him
upside down first.
Right.
Think that did it.
One, two. Yup.
We did it.
You have a good night,
Mr. Arglist.
Good night, now.
Take me home, buddy.
I know my limit.
You are home,
for Christ's sake, Pete.
Pants, pants, pants.
I got it, I got it,
I got it.
Do you remember
when you used to live here?
Do you remember?
Yeah. I remember.
This used to be your house.
Come on.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
I know the way.
Are you sure?
Buddy, I got it.
All right.
I got it, okay?
Man down.
Man down.
I thought I had it.
But I didn't.
I didn't have it.
Man still down.
Man remains down.
Get some rest, pal.
Stop! Stop it!
Oh, fuck!
Oh my God!
Hi, Rusti.
Is Renata inside?
Oh, fuck!
Charlie, did you meet Donny?
Ronny.
Yeah. Donny had this giant
crush on me back in high school.
Only I had no idea.
We had two classes together,
chemistry and something else.
We can't remember.
Anyway, so we're talking...
and remembering old times,
and guess what?
We're getting married.
Oh, fuck!
Great.
Oh, God!
Listen. Let this night
be a reminder to you...
when you think
about using her...
As a punching bag.
All right?
All right? Don't... All right? Sidney.
Sidney.
All right.
You do hear that siren, right?
Yeah, yeah.
Look, Charlie,
my blood was up, you know?
My mother's always telling me
I need to work on my anger.
Channel my energies
into something more positive.
Makes me
want to slap her silly.
Jesus Christ, Sidney, you
don't hit your mother, do you?
Christ, no.
Charlie, I'm talking about
desires here, that's all.
Urges and shit.
Anyway, I gotta go.
Gotta pick up the kids.
We're going to Six Flags
tomorrow.
Good.
Yeah.
Is she back?
Oh, yeah.
She's gonna be pissed at me
'cause I'm leaving early.
That's okay. I got something
for her, to cheer her up.
Damn. You can read the
fine print on the lubricant.
I didn't know you smoked.
I don't.
I guess I thought
you'd be happier. Happy?
I'm fucking ecstatic.
Can't you tell?
And in return for this,
you want exactly what?
Nothing.
Nothing.
Charlie, I've been hearing
weird things about you all night.
Like what?
Like waiving stage rentals
over at the Tease-O-Rama.
Comping dancers' drinks?
Not like you at all.
And now this.
Oh, my God.
You are leaving town.
Have you and Vic
been dipping into the till?
Steal from Bill?
That would be crazy.
Well, then there's only one
other possible explanation.
You're in love with me.
I've always liked you.
I've noticed.
Tell you what.
What?
Give me 45 minutes to close up,
then meet me at my apartment.
All right.
Okay.
I forgot. Vic called.
Said to tell you that you
were right and he was wrong.
Something about a guy you
thought might be looking for you.
Yeah?
He is.
This was when?
About half an hour ago.
Vic said for you to meet him at
the Velvet Touch as soon as you can.
You sure nothing's going on?
Not a thing.
Don't forget to come back,
okay?
I won't.
Vic.
Harder. Oh, yeah.
Vic, hate to interrupt!
Yeah, baby.
Come on, Vic.
Don't stop.
Almost there.
Keep going. Keep going.
Vic?
Fuck! Oh, fuck.
Mr. Arglist?
Oh, fuck!
Ouch, that had to hurt.
Yeah, it sure did.
What were you doing?
I was gonna be sick,
but now I'm okay.
Different car.
Yeah, it's my ex-wife's.
It's a long story.
You don't look too good.
You want me to call somebody
to come get you?
No, no, I'm fine.
I'm headed home anyway.
Okay, Mr. Arglist. You go
home and get some sleep.
And don't forget to put in a good
word for me with Mr. Guerrard.
I will, Officer.
Officer what?
Taylor.
Tyler.
But it's pretty close, though. Yeah.
All right, tell you what.
When you go home...
I don't think I'd come back out
again tonight, if I were you.
No, I probably won't.
Good night to you.
Happy holidays.
Okay. All the best.
Oh, fuck.
Hello?
Renata.
Charlie.
Listen.
You were right.
Vic and I have been skimming.
Well, duh.
I think Roy Gelles
must have found out...
and I think
he might have killed Vic.
That's terrible.
So, I was thinking it might
be best if I left town.
I was wondering
if you wanted to come with me.
You have the money?
What?
Which...
The money we're talking about.
That you and Vic
have been skimming.
Try to keep up, okay?
No. Vic had it.
So, your idea is that we should
run away together and be poor?
I thought I'd give it a shot.
Here's the thing, though.
Roy wouldn't have killed Vic unless
Vic told him where the money was...
which means Roy has it now.
Well, why don't you sneak up
behind him...
and hit him over the head
with something and take it?
Me? You want me
to sneak up on Roy Gelles?
Charlie, think of this
as your defining moment.
This is your chance
to be something more.
Like a murderer?
This is your chance
to start over, Charlie.
Our chance,
if that's what you want.
If that's what I want.
Listen, I just gotta
ask you one thing.
What?
I didn't have
a specific question planned.
Nothing, sorry.
Well, then...
Gladys.
Gladys, it's me,
Charlie Arglist.
Gladys, where is Vic?
It's a sweet thought, Charlie.
But she's already dead.
Jesus Christ,
you scared the fuck out of me!
I thought you were dead!
I thought Roy killed you.
Well, he was going to.
But he got sidetracked.
You should have been there.
He actually threatened
to shoot Gladys...
if I didn't tell him
where the money was.
But I think he was counting...
on a level of commitment and
affection between her and me...
that just simply wasn't there.
Where is he now?
Follow me.
You're gonna love this.
Hey, Roy!
You still alive in there?
You didn't asphyxiate yet,
did you?
Hey, Vic.
Come a little closer,
so I can talk to you.
What's that, Roy?
Jesus fucking Christ!
Damn it, I took his gun.
Guess he must have
another one.
Must have.
Is that you, Arglist?
Hi, Roy.
When I get out of here,
I'm gonna kill you.
You do know that, right?
Roy, you must be
one fucking optimist...
if you think you're ever
getting out of that trunk.
Let me out, Arglist.
I'm your only hope.
Actually, you just told me you'd
kill me if you got out, Roy.
I didn't mean it.
Sounded like you did.
I was just pissed off.
It's cramped in here
and I'm claustrophobic.
Come on.
Give me a hand.
Wanna go to the trunk?
Already tried it.
Let's go to the back seat.
Ready?
Yeah.
That's one
big motherfucker.
One, two, three!
Oh, God damn.
We're gonna have to
take the door off.
It's not gonna fit. You
want me to get the Mercedes?
Mercedes? What Mercedes?
My ex-wife's. It's a
long story. Don't ask.
There is no way that
this thing is gonna fit...
in a piece-of-shit Mercedes
if it don't go in a Lincoln.
No, they're surprisingly
spacious, Vic.
I'm offering you a deal,
Arglist.
Jesus fucking shit.
Give me something.
Don't be an idiot.
God damn it.
Fucking shut up!
Shut the fuck up in there!
You just keep
your fucking mouth shut, okay?
Piece of fucking shit!
God damn it!
You keep that up, you're
gonna spring the lock.
What the fuck were you thinking?
Why didn't you just shoot him?
And then you could have
put him in the trunk...
and you wouldn't need
that footlocker.
Because I want the pleasure
of seeing his big ass...
sink to the bottom of
Lake Bascombe! That's why!
Hey, Roy. Roy?
I can't wait for you
to feel the icy water...
seeping into this trunk...
shriveling your balls
before you drown!
What if he's reloaded?
Well, he's folded up in there
like a card table.
How the hell
is he gonna reload?
I don't know, Vic.
She could never
do anything right.
Jesus.
What?
Nothing. I just thought you
were gonna put Roy in the trunk.
The footlocker might not fit
in the back seat, is all.
You're the one
been going on...
about how spacious
these fuckers are.
And now you're saying
it won't fit?
It might. I'm not sure,
is what I'm saying.
One night driving a Mercedes,
and already you're an asshole.
Come on,
help me get this thing.
Ow! God damn it!
If I could open
the fucking door...
Okay.
Jesus, Charlie, you're right.
This thing is spacious.
There's no way it would
have gone in a Lincoln.
Give me the key.
Oh, yeah.
All right.
I gotta get my shit.
Oh, Vic?
What?
Whose thumb is this?
Oh, yeah. Good news, Roy.
Charlie brought your thumb.
So, you think you're
going to go back to Florida?
You know,
I've been thinking about that.
Maybe you shouldn't tell me
where you're going...
and I shouldn't tell you
where I'm going.
I just think
it's safer that way.
He's going to kill you,
Arglist.
That's where you're going.
It's the truth, Arglist!
Think about it.
Pay no attention
to the man in the trunk.
He's got a gun, Roy. He could
shoot me now if he wanted to.
Uh-uh. He needs your help
to unload the car.
Once he's deposited me
and his missus in the lake...
you're next.
You know what, Roy?
One more word
out of that trunk...
and I'm gonna shoot it
at both ends.
Because the truth is, I can't
remember which end your head's at.
You know, the fact of the
matter is, I should shoot you.
What were you doing
in there tonight?
What are you talking about?
Well, you're waiving stage fees...
you're comping drinks,
being nice to people.
You may as well wear a
fucking sign that says:
"Hey, I just stole a shitload of
money and now I'm blowing town. "
For Christ's sake...
Calm down! It's Christmas.
Everybody's nice
on Christmas.
No, Charlie. No. Only
morons are nice at Christmas.
And that's a lot of people,
too, Charlie.
Especially in Kansas.
But not everybody.
What kind of man
shoots his own wife...
in the back of the head
on Christmas Eve?
Roy, he already knows
that you shot her, okay?
That's what he told you,
Arglist?
What the hell do I want
to shoot his wife for?
Bill Guerrard knows about
this whole deal, Arglist.
That's not what
you said earlier, Roy...
when your thumb
was in the vise.
You'll never make it
out of Wichita.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but
did I not warn that asshole...
to shut the fuck up?
You told him.
You got one chance, Arglist...
That's right. I told him.
Take the wheel.
...and that's me.
Take the fucking wheel!
Think about it!
Fucking asshole.
Well, I guess
that was the head end, huh?
Where's the thumb?
The thumb,
where's the thumb?
Thank you, sir.
There she is.
It's kind of beautiful
out here, huh?
All right, give her a shove.
Well, come on. Open the fucking door
and help me with this goddamn thing.
What do you think
we're here for? Come on.
Jesus.
Hang on! It's caught.
Okay.
Okay.
Now toss it over.
Come on.
For fuck's sake, Charlie,
come on.
Fuck, this is heavy.
It says, "Keep off. "
All right, ready?
Let's go.
Think I'd rather push.
Okay, fucking push.
I don't give a shit.
You're in the way, Charlie.
Okay, let's go. Ready?
Yeah.
It's falling apart.
You know what?
Put it up on its end.
Just shove it up.
I mean, it's as deep here
as it is any place else.
Just throw
the fucking thing over.
Vic.
God damn it, Roy. That was just
blind fucking luck, you asshole.
Give me a hand, Arglist.
I'm all stiff.
Now, as promised.
Well, Roy, the good news is,
you're out of the trunk.
The bad news is, you're
down four quarts of blood...
and your gun's empty.
I'm going to kill you anyway.
Here, hold this.
That's an unrealistic goal,
Roy.
You're dead, Roy.
Don't just stand there
pretending you're not.
Jesus Christ, Charlie!
Throw me a rope or something.
I can't swim!
I'm thinking, no.
You were gonna kill me,
right, Vic? You asshole!
Jesus, you're stupid!
All right, that's it!
Fuck you!
Look, okay, I'm sorry!
Charlie, I'm sorry!
I'm going to throw
the gun away! Look!
Oh, God, you have no idea
how cold this water is.
Charlie.
So long, Vic.
Don't you want to know
where the money is?
I know where the money is. It's
in the back seat of the Benz.
Not a chance! Not a chance.
I'm done talking to you, Vic.
I'm through listening to you.
If you don't believe me,
look for yourself!
Only hurry! Hurry!
I can't feel my legs!
I'm dying here! I'm dying!
Charlie! God damn it!
I know what I did was wrong!
But, Jesus! Fuck!
I'm shot, Charlie.
I can't pull myself up!
Please. Please.
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be his name, because...
We are kingdom come,
and will be done...
and give us every day...
our bread,
because we gotta eat...
Charlie, is that you? Charlie!
I knew it. I knew it.
You're a good man, Charlie.
You're a good man.
Vic, I wouldn't want you
to die alone.
No! No.
No!
Vic! Vic, hold on!
Hold on, Vic.
Is that all?
Yeah.
Stocking stuffers.
Big spender.
Do you have any kids?
No.
Then shut the fuck up.
Bag it.
Hello. Charlie?
Renata.
I'd just about given up.
I fucked up.
Vic's dead.
What about Roy Gelles?
He's dead, too.
Why don't you come over?
I'll wait here for you.
The front door's open.
No. I don't see the point.
I mean...
I don't have the money.
Vic died before he told me
where it was.
You know what?
Money isn't everything.
Excuse me?
You know what I said before?
It's true, isn't it?
You're in love with me.
Yeah.
Sure. I guess.
I've still got to ask you
something.
What?
I don't have it yet.
I'm sorry.
But you're coming over?
Yeah. Sure.
See you.
Take me with you, man.
Oh, fuck.
Jesus, Pete.
No, I mean it.
Take me with you, buddy.
I can't do my life, man.
I can't do it.
Just get some rest.
I hate myself.
I want a new life.
You don't want mine.
I really do.
I'm in trouble.
I'm in big fucking trouble.
But that'd be great.
Don't you see?
We go out in a blaze of glory.
Like men.
Like men, Charlie.
No goddamn life left
for men anymore.
Not here.
This country, all that's left
for men is money and pussy.
But together,
you and me together...
Don't you think?
Come on. Hurry up.
Bill Guerrard
is around here somewhere.
Oh.
Yeah, "Oh. "
Where is he?
Oh.
Hide behind the door and
shoot him when he comes in.
You don't happen to have
any bullets for this, do you?
Shotgun behind the bar.
"As Wichita falls...
"so falls Wichita Falls. "
I like that.
And I'm gonna give your
pussy-whipped pal Arglist...
another 15 minutes
to rescue your sweet ass.
After which time I'm going to assume
his brain overruled his pecker.
Well, Bill,
that's just not enough time.
He lives way across town.
Yeah? Well, that's your bad luck.
I should be home in Kansas City...
watching my kids
open their Christmas presents!
Now I gotta waste
the whole fucking day...
looking for that nitwit!
I'll never understand lawyers.
I mean, here they've got a license
to steal from the general public...
all legal and aboveboard,
but is that enough?
Fuck, no! They gotta
steal from their friends!
Anybody
but a fucking lawyer...
would consider
the consequences, right?
That I would,
for an absolute certainty...
castrate that son of a bitch
with a butter knife.
And that would give
a normal person pause.
But not a lawyer.
It defies the imagination,
you know.
How a woman like you could throw
in with a couple of farthammers...
like Cavanaugh and Arglist.
Cavanaugh, he doesn't
have the brains...
to pull off
something like this.
And Arglist,
he doesn't have the guts.
Maybe that's where you
came in, huh?
What did you do?
Did you encourage them both?
Suppose you do luck out...
and you get clear of Wichita
with all that money.
At some point...
you're gonna have to get rid of
at least one of the peckerwoods.
And then what do you got?
A dick with no brain?
Or a brain with no dick?
You know what, Bill?
You seem awfully tense.
And I have this idea
of what might help you relax.
You do, huh?
Mmm-hmm.
That you, Arglist?
Drop the gun.
Step away from the desk
and put your hands up.
Charlie,
don't be a fucking idiot.
You've been watching
too many stupid old movies.
Why would I drop my gun?
I don't know, Bill.
Because I got
a big fucking shotgun...
and I'll blow your head off?
Well, if you could do that,
you'd be me...
and I'd be a pissant lawyer
with a case of the shakes.
Jesus, Charlie,
just shoot him!
If he was gonna
pull the trigger...
he'd have done it when he came
through the door, girlie.
It's something they don't
teach you in law school.
Which is a shame,
because...
Get his gun, Charlie.
Get his gun.
He's dead, Renata.
The fuck he is! Sidney
loads that with birdshot!
Why would he? I mean...
Charlie.
...from a liability standpoint,
that doesn't make any sense at all.
Charlie!
Well, Arglist...
now you've truly gone
and shit in your nest!
All right, girlie.
You first.
Mr. Guerrard?
What's going on?
Come here!
Bitch!
Charlie.
I don't know why
I even bother with Kansas.
Do I hear an "amen"?
My old man tried
to tell me...
that I'd be better off
starting a church...
and letting Jesus pay
for the mortgage...
in this sorry-ass
backwards state.
I wouldn't listen.
Instead...
I put my faith
in naked women and hand jobs.
Which have a proven track
record everywhere but here.
And now I've been disfigured
by a whisky-dick lawyer...
who imagines he can kill me
with a shotgun loaded for snake.
Serves me right.
That's all I can say.
All right, girlie...
this is the one
that's gonna kill you.
Bill.
Yuck!
I will say, after this...
the holidays are never gonna
feel quite the same to me.
How's the foot?
Shorter.
You don't happen to have
any morphine...
or Demerol or anything,
do you?
Try this.
I have to give you credit,
Charlie.
You took your own sweet time
rising to the occasion...
but in the end,
you did the deed.
'Deed you did.
You really came through,
Charlie.
The odds were definitely
against it, but somehow...
you managed to be
the last man standing.
I know what I wanted
to ask you.
What?
Where are you actually from?
Originally.
Why do you keep
asking questions, Charlie?
What's it got to do
with anything?
I was just curious.
Wanted to know
where you came from.
It's a long story,
Charlie.
I think we've got plenty of time
to get to know each other better.
Don't you?
Yeah.
I guess we do.
It's just you and me now,
Charlie.
To the victor go the spoils.
You saved my life,
Charlie.
You're a different man,
just like I promised.
Can you feel it?
Yes. I can.
Charlie.
What'd you do?
Oh! Damn stupid fuck!
You stupid fucking whore!
You dumb, dumb fuck!
Your mother again?
Shit!
Hi, Charlie. Yeah.
Who else?
Loans me her camper and fails
to mention that it's out of gas.
If you've got a gas can,
you can siphon some from me.
Charlie.
I don't want you
to take this the wrong way...
but you're about
the nicest guy I know.
I'm awfully sorry to hear
that, Sidney, but thank you.
Have a good time
with your kids at Six Flags.
Merry Christmas.
Nuts! Fuck!
What was that?
Nothing.
Morning, Pete. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, buddy.
Where are we?
We're in heaven.
Mmm.
They got pancakes?
They got everything.
Good.