1
NARRATOR: Saith Solomon in the Book,
"Rise up, my love and come away. For lo, the winter is past.
"The flowers appear on the earth,
"and the voice of the tourist is heard in our land.
Excuse me, ma'am, hi. I have relatives in Italy.
Now, if I eat all my meals with them while we're there, can I apply for a refund?
It's the same for everybody.
Nine countries, 18 days. $448.50. No refunds.
Irma, we're only going for 18 days.
Now, let's say that I hook up with just one chick, just one in each country...
Wow, I only hope I have enough stamina.
Bert, baby, you don't even score in this country.
This is Europe, Steve. Everybody scores in Europe!
I don't understand. How can you blow every penny you saved for years
on one lousy trip to Europe?
Because that's where I had the best time of my life, World War Il.
Come on!
GEORGE: Samantha, if I go with you, we can be married in Europe.
Maybe next trip.
Always that maybe.
Well, that's why I'm taking this trip, George.
To be sure.
Shelly! That settles it. You're coming to Europe with us.
WOMAN ON PA: TWA Flight 700 now arriving, London from New York.
(REPEATING IN FRENCH)
If it's Tuesday this must be Belgium
If it's Wednesday this must be Rome
If it's Thursday this must be Montreux
I fear I never wanna go home
If this is London why ain't it raining?
The sun is shining on St. Paul's dome
If this is real, then I must be dreaming
Can't wait to tell the folks back home
Can't wait to tell the folks back home
If it's Tuesday this must be Belgium
If it's Wednesday this must be Rome
If it's Thursday this must be Montreux
I fear I never wanna go home
I fear I never wanna go home
(CLOCK CHIMING)
CHARLIE: Five.
Six.
Seven.
Eight.
-What's up, love? -Me.
It's after 8:00 and I'm one hour late.
My Americans are landing at London Airport this very minute.
My, we are in a flit, aren't we?
Now, you don't know Yanks.
When they drop out of the sky wearing all that wash-and-wear,
they want their tour guide standing at attention and in full battle dress.
Where are my socks?
Here! Must you crawl all over me like some great monkey?
Now, you didn't mind a few hours ago, did you?
That was different.
Indeed it was, and it was lovely.
For me as well, love.
Charlie, is it fun?
I thought we'd just agreed that, eh?
No, not that. Traveling around Europe with all those people.
It's not traveling.
It's a mad dash through nine bloody countries
in 18 bloodier days, that's what it is.
And I have to be mother and father,
psychiatrist, a host, teacher, interpreter,
peacemaker and joke-maker, to a silly crowd of Americans
identical to my last silly crowd of Americans, and my next crowd.
Well, they're like Chinese waiters, you know.
If you've seen one Yank tourist, you've seen them all.
EDNA: How can he be an hour late? Maybe we're in the wrong place.
FRED: Maybe we're in the wrong country.
Maybe one of us should contact someone from World Wind Tours.
Me, I guess.
-Oh, are you the guide for the World... -Oh, I'm sorry I'm late, love.
Some cheeky traffic cop stopped us and gave Marcel a bloody ticket.
Looks like he was very sweet to you.
That might very well be my wife's, if I was married.
I'm Charles Cartwright.
Charlie to my little groups from across the sea.
And you are Miss...
About to turn into an ugly American right before your very eyes.
Not possible.
Ladies and gentlemen, I want to make sure that nobody is missing
before we start out upon our great adventure.
Mr. and Mrs. Harve Blakely.
Oh, I'm here, but Irma's in the...
-Mr. Jack Harmon. -Yo!
Mr. John Marino.
Did you say John Marino? I'm John Marino.
Is Mr. and Mrs. Fred Ferguson here?
Long enough to have squatters rights, mister.
Miss Shelly Ferguson? Is Shelly Ferguson here?
Boy, am I ever.
-Mrs. Freda Gooding. -Present.
Mr. Bert Greenfield.
Bert Greenfield. Oh, oh, here. Who wants me?
-Mrs. Jenny Grant. -Here and ready to go!
-Mr. Harry Dix. -What? Oh, here.
-Sam Perkins. -That's Samantha.
Oh, I'm sorry, they've abbreviated it here. Is that Miss or Mrs.?
-Miss. -Which is as good as a mile, eh?
-And Miss Charlene Kane. -Here.
Oh, here's Irma.
It took me 10 minutes to figure out what WC means.
Congratulations.
World Wind Tour Number 225, all present and correct!
Avanti!
Let's move out!
Ladies and gentlemen, this will be, for the next three weeks,
your home sweet home away from home sweet home,
complete with all comforts of same.
Reclining seats, which we will alternate so that everyone gets a turn at the windows.
Rather like a game of musical chairs.
Oh, and speaking of music, we have music to fit not only the mood,
but whatever country we happen to be in.
(REGAL INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
It's so, sort of, foreign looking.
EDNA: Yup, there's nothing like it back home.
Would you all gather round me, please?
I will now distribute your room keys.
Mr. Harry Dix, room 405.
Mrs. Jenny Grant.
HARVE: Irma?
I don't think the 10 rolls you brought will be enough.
(HUMMING)
(DINGING)
I'm telling you, Fred, it is not a planter.
Too high for a footbath.
SHELLY: Is it bigger than a bread box?
With a mind like yours, is it any wonder she's growing up wild?
"Dear guys,
"you should see the wild English chick I'm sitting with right now.
"Words can't even begin to describe her.
"You wanted pictures of the victims?
"Well, here's the mini-hoo-ha I'll never forget.
"England is great. The weather hasn't cleared up yet, but my skin has."
CHARLIE: And now, for your sightseeing pleasure,
World Wind Tours is happy to present
2,000 years of British history in one afternoon,
so try not to nap, folks, you could miss a century.
Our first stop, the historic Tower of London.
Here, you're in the presence of one of history's greatest marital tragedies.
On this very spot, Henry VIII had not one but two of his six wives executed.
IRMA: What did those two wives ever do to him?
FRED: They suggested a World Wind Tour.
CHARLIE: Passing on our right is a troop of Her Majesty's Horse Guards.
That's where our foreign aid goes!
CHARLIE: To some, this pageantry may seem extravagant,
but it's an eternal symbol of British glory.
Do you realize what a horse eats every day?
Mr. Ferguson, you're a hopeless romantic.
CHARLIE: And now, the most vital attraction on any tour of London,
a stop at that elegant, understated repository of British tradition,
Carnaby Street.
(ROCK HOUSE PLAYING)
Edna, this is no place for any daughter of mine.
Daddy it's the first place I've been today that isn't 270 trillion years old!
But look at this place.
Look at the people.
Look at the clothes.
And our cute, cool and kooky number.
Oh, wow, is that ever in.
No, Shelly, it is definitely out.
Don't you like it, sir?
Well, on you, I love it. On her, over my dead body!
We haven't lost a father yet.
Well, you're losing one now.
CHARLIE: And now, as our final treat of the day,
for that moment of British culture you've all been waiting for,
I'll leave you in the capable hands of...
Mrs. Featherstone is my name and I am your special guide
for this very special place, the Victoria and Albert Museum. Hello.
Now then, before we proceed,
I must caution you to keep together throughout our browse.
That is why I carry this. Your stars and stripes forever, hmm?
So, wherever you are in there, when my little flag goes up,
you must rally round as your own song instructs.
Very well, then. All together now, shall we? Rally!
FRED: I'll get you for this, Edna.
And here we have a prime example
of mid-19th century canine statuary. And this...
...made of marble.
And this double canopied bedstead, believe it or not,
is made of papier-mach with lacquered...
We have here a 15th-century Italian whale head.
As I like to say at this particular spot, well, well, well.
Rally!
FRED: No matter how long it takes, Edna, I'll get you for this.
IRMA: Sore leg, Harve? HARVE: No.
IRMA: Imagine, we saw all of England in just one day.
HARVE: One more day like this and I'll kill myself.
While I check my messages, why don't you go upstairs and get yourself into...
Well, out of all that fantastic...
-Oh, Charlie. -What?
-Want an early morning call, love? -Oh, definitely not!
Early morning calls are for people who sleep.
Mr. Cartwright.
Miss Sam.
-What are all you ladies doing here? -Waiting for you, Charlie, my boy.
Me? Whatever for?
London by night. It's right here, in the World Wind Tour brochure,
under "First Day's Activities, Night."
Piccadilly Circus, Soho and a typical old English pub.
Well, ladies, I've been guiding tours for six years now, and nobody's ever wanted this.
Well, what with the time difference and the first day's sightseeing,
well, you must be all exhausted.
No?
London by Night tour, avanti.
-Now, this is more like it! -Like what?
The London I'd hoped to see. People, not...
Come along. Over here, Ron.
Fire. When ready, Gridley.
Bingo!
That's a bit better, isn't it, eh?
Now, you were telling me?
(EXCLAIMS)
Nothing, really.
It's just that for the first time, I don't feel like a typical American tourist, that's all.
Well, you're not typical, Miss Sam. I knew that the first moment I saw you.
Really?
What would you say? That I'm... What? Intelligent?
Oh, very.
And not bad looking, perhaps?
As a matter of fact, you are a smasher.
And I have six beautiful toes on my right foot.
Indeed you do. And you're having a go at me, aren't you?
Yes, I guess I was.
You see, you prove my point. You're not typical.
Banger?
(COUGHING)
Steady, Miss Sam. That's what sausages are called over here, bangers.
No, thanks, Ron. Oh, excuse me.
This
is the old Indian
beer trick.
Well, you are a very talented man.
Oh, yes. I shall write my novel this way. If it doesn't sell, down the hatch.
You know, when this caper started tonight,
I wasn't too happy about it, but now my feelings have changed.
Well, you've changed them.
-Mr. Cartwright... -Please, Charlie.
Charlie. Look, my time in Europe is very limited.
I want to see things, take home experiences and memories, and that's all.
Well, if it's experiences and memories you're after,
it's Lieutenant Charles Cartwright reporting for duty, sir!
-Charming! Bloody charming! -Dot!
Got tired of waiting, love, so I rang up Peter.
-You know Peter Wiggins. -Hello, all.
He came round to collect me. Here we are.
Well, the London by Night tour is just about over, so...
Oh, don't forget to leave an early morning call, love.
-God bless. -Goodbye, all.
But, Dot! Wait!
Couldn't care less!
I've ruined your evening.
But you could save it, you know.
The night's early, and the hotel is just around the...
-Oh, do me a favor, Charlie. -Anything!
Take no for an answer.
CHARLIE: Dames en heren,
because it has more than 50 canals and 550 bridges,
Amsterdam is often referred to as the Venice of the north.
This tiny country of Holland is famous for Rembrandt, the tulip, the Edam cheese.
Also for van Gogh, Dutch chocolate, Dutch beer, Dutch Cleanser,
the Dutch treat, the Dutch door, the Dutch uncle. In fact, folks, you're in Dutch.
Play your cards right, Miss Sam, and I have an extra special treat for you.
Dirty postcards?
Dutch chocolates.
And now that we're on the Continent,
you will be awakened every morning at 6:00 a.m.
ALL: 6:00 a.m.?
I'm sorry, it's the only way we can keep anywhere near our schedule.
And luggage must be packed and placed outside the doors by 7:00
so that it can be collected and placed on the bus by departure time,
8:00 a.m. sharp.
Back home I don't even get up till 8:00, and that's when I'm working.
Is "windmill" one word or two?
Since we're running a trifle late, when we get to Amsterdam,
we will have a mere 55 minutes to get to our rooms,
get our luggage delivered and get our lunch
before we visit the Alkmaar Cheese Market,
where once each week in the town square
there's an auction of Gouda cheeses and Edam cheeses,
and pretty Gouda Edam cheeses they are.
EDNA: Boy, how does he keep coming up with all those jokes?
BERT: Guts, sheer guts!
FRED: Dutch cheese.
What's wrong with American cheese?
SAMANTHA: Well, that we can get in America.
FRED: If we hurry, we can get a plane back tonight.
Listen, I'm just as much an American tourist as any of these people.
Thanks. I've been hitting that free sample line five, six times a day.
You must love cheese.
I hate starving.
Edna, Shelly's talking to someone.
Whoever he is, she'll be in Brussels tomorrow.
And I've been here about a week talking to this Dutch group at the University.
We want them to represent Holland at a demonstration in Rome.
Are you going to lead a riot, or something?
Not exactly. My bag is picket signs and recruiting.
Where you headed from here?
Back to the bus. The smell of this cheese is doing me in.
You go ahead. I'll bring a free sample to you on the bus.
Do me a favor. Don't.
18 days locked in a bus with those people? It's, like, sick! What for?
Oh, my father was afraid that me and my boyfriend were about to make it.
You know. Anyway, my boyfriend was too scared.
-Of sex? -Of my father.
That's interesting. I guess virginity is still a big hang-up in the smaller towns.
Charlotte, North Carolina is not one of the smaller towns.
I like you. You've got local pride. You're ethnic.
I am? What is it?
Very nice. Okay, one more.
Yeah, good.
Let me just... Nice.
Now one second, I wanna try to get a little more...
Dear wise guys, second country, second girl.
Batting a thousand.
That's kind of cute.
-Are you a Communist? -No. University of Pennsylvania.
I thought you were sort of mature.
Well, look, I'll see you along the way.
Really? You mean it?
Keep the faith, baby.
-You're sure it will be all right, Charlie? -Oh, I'm sure it will be perfect.
And your tourists will not come back this time?
I've got them so over-scheduled, they may never come back.
First, the cheese market.
Then the Rijksmuseum.
That's at least an hour for them to see all those Rembrandts,
-Franz Halses and Vermeers, ja? -Ja.
And after the diamond-cutting factory, the Heineken brewery, ja?
-Ja. -Then after...
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Steady. That'll be the champagne.
Irma Blakely has disappeared on a Japanese bus.
And I may commit hara-kari.
Ja, from Tokyo! They stayed right in this hotel last night.
-They even had your rooms. -Now they have my wife!
Here it is. Banzai Tours Number 33.
Didn't I tell you, you'd get her back in no time at all?
-You don't know Irma! -Mr. Blakely...
By placing this overlay map
of the Banzai itinerary over our own World Wind itinerary,
we readily see that the two tours criss-cross here in Rome
here in Zurich and right there again in Wiesbaden.
(EXCLAIMS IN FRENCH)
Yeah, but you don't understand. See, Irma's always...
Thursday morning we take the Rhine Steamer to Wiesbaden from Koblenz.
And by Thursday afternoon,
you and your dear wife will never know she's been away.
I want to phone her. Where is she now?
Hamburg.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Koblenz to Wiesbaden. Thursday morning.
-Wait! Elsa! -Hilda!
Miss Sam.
Well, you must admit, I do have a talent for barging in on you at the wrong time.
Yes, you're getting very good at that.
Well, you do give me plenty of chance to practice.
These stops are officially called lay-overs, you know.
How do you keep track of them all?
I mean, do you have a map of Europe up in your room with little pins stuck in it?
Now why didn't I think of that? You Yanks have a genius for organization.
Well, I just wanted to apologize for spoiling your afternoon, that's all.
Well, you could apologize over a glass of champagne.
-l mean, they'd never refund my money. -Oh, what a pity!
It's not a bad little wine.
It's not the year I ordered, but then it never is. How about it?
-No, thank you. -Cup of tea?
(LAUGHING) Oh, Charlie, you really are perfect.
From champagne to tea! Now, that is brilliant footwork.
-Is anybody studying you? -Studying me?
The Rockefeller Foundation or Ford might give you a grant.
You mean I could get money, too?
Well, you'd have to start by keeping a record.
I don't have to. You are!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello, Irma?
WOMAN: It's 6:00, sir.
Listen, Operator, I still haven't completed my call to...
Banzai.
(PHONE RINGING)
What the hell's wrong now?
WOMAN: It's 6:00.
(RAZZES)
(PHONE RINGING)
Harmon here.
WOMAN: It's 6:00.
0600 hours, check! Over and out.
Chow in one hour, paisan. Drop your clocks and grab your socks.
I don't think my socks will be dry in an hour.
(PHONE RINGS)
Yes?
WOMAN: It's 6:00, sir.
It's 6:00? Oh, thanks very much. Goodbye.
CHARLIE: Eleven, good morning.
Twelve, good morning.
Thirteen, good morning.
Fourteen, good morning.
Fifteen, good morning.
Sixteen, good morning, Miss Sam. Sleep well?
-Fine, thank you. And you? -Alone, thank you.
Seventeen, good morning.
Eighteen, good morning.
All present and correct.
Avanti!
FRED: What I wouldn't give to hear the three most beautiful words
in the English language, "Yankee go home."
(CLEARS THROAT)
I'll take a wild guess. Belgian chocolate.
-French postcards. -Ooh!
Yeah, yeah, the old place hasn't changed a bit,
since we come barreling through here in '45.
You wanna change seats with me?
That's the reason I took this particular tour.
This hits the same spots I hit during the war.
Look, you can have my seat. Really, I don't mind.
The seat's wasted on me. You see, I wasn't in World War Il.
At all?
I'm sorry.
Is that because you got relatives in Italy?
No, it's just they weren't drafting seven-year-old boys.
Before we arrive in Brussels, perhaps the most important thing you should know
is that we have so little time after we get there.
So after we have a quick bite of lunch,
we have to squeeze in such wonders as the Atomium,
symbol of the 1958 Brussels World Fair.
FRED: What the hell is it supposed to be, anyway?
JACK: I don't know, but it looks like something dirty to me.
JOHN: Looks like a giant Tinkertoy to me.
SHELLY: Looks like another dull afternoon to me.
HARVE: Irma would have loved this!
How'd you like to pay a plumber 12 bucks an hour to fix that, huh?
CHARLIE: And would any of you want to miss the world famous Manneken Pis?
HARVE: I thought it would be much bigger than that.
JOHN: Well, he's just a little boy.
Where's Shelly? Does Shelly have to see a thing like that?
Yes, oh, yes!
CHARLIE: We can only spare an hour for you ladies
to buy some exquisite Belgian lace.
I don't know.
I know a shop where the mention of my name will get you the best buy in town.
I'm telling you, Miss Perkins, that blouse is you.
A little too much of me, I'm afraid.
CHARLIE: Above all, we must visit that remarkable antique square
in the center of bustling Brussels, the Grand Place.
FRED: What's so grand about this place?
Take away the gold and what have you got? Tenements.
The Grand Place should really be seen at night to appreciate its true magnificence.
Why don't we see it at night?
Because we have to sleep, since tomorrow morning at 6:00 a.m.
we are on the move again
and heading for our first stop, Bastogne,
where a monument marks the place your American troops
fought so gallantly and courageously in one of the key battles of World War Il.
It was right here that we won the Battle of the Bulge.
Hey, now, you see down there, where that couple is?
Now, that was a German strongpoint. Come here.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
After they thought their barrage had softened us up,
then they moved in with their tanks. Now, what did we do?
Moved in with our tanks.
Right, right, all right.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
We started down the hill.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Every gun blazing.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
We had to push 'em back or we were dead!
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
(IMITATING MACHINE GUN)
And then the Germans retreated.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
CHARLIE: Luxembourg. For most American tourists,
this tiny duchy exists mainly as a lunch stop between Belgium and Germany.
Matter of fact I heard some women from Kentucky call this Luncheonburg.
How come the American Express Tour gets salad and we don't?
Well, they're deluxe. We're only first class.
I just met a fellow from the Cook's Tour. They had steak last night.
They got their own private john, right on the bus, with free Kleenex.
I don't see anything on this menu except things like hamburgers,
frankfurters and American cheese sandwiches.
That'll do me fine. I'll have a hamburger.
-How do you spell Luxembourg? -Luxembourg, L-U-X...
FRED: So will she. Well done. Shelly?
I am so car sick from that bus that I am sick.
L-U-X...
Make that three hamburgers, I'll eat hers.
-E-M... -I'm on a diet. Could I have salad?
No substitutions, madam.
Make it four hamburgers. It was a crash diet anyway.
I'll have four hamburgers, too.
-That's extra, sir. -Don't mind him. He's always joking.
-Excuse me, where was 1? -L-U-X-E-M...
-S.0.S. -S-0-S...
No, Mrs. Ferguson, don't write that down. That's what I'm ordering, S.0.S.
That's chipped beef on toast. I got to like it in the Army.
-L-U-X-E-M... -Why not? S.0.S. for me, too.
Listen, folks, it's none of my business, really,
but don't you think we should at least try some of the local delicacies?
JENNY: I'm game. FRED: Something like what?
-B-0-U-R-G. -Well, I don't know.
What's the specialty of the house?
-Hamburgers. -Oh, no. I don't mean for us.
I mean for the local people that come here.
Local people don't come here. This is strictly for our tourist friends.
Make that one more hamburger, please.
(SHOUTING) Irma, I'm talking as loud as I can. Now, listen.
We go by steamer from Koblenz to Wiesbaden.
Tomorrow. So what I've... Yes, Koblenz.
Yes, yes, tomorrow. Steamer. Steamer!
On the Rhine!
CHARLIE: Damen und Herren, we now shift from bus to boat,
sailing down the legendary Rhine, where the Lorelei sing their siren songs
beneath the fairytale castles of old Germany.
(BAND PLAYING CHEERFUL MUSIC)
Enjoying yourself, Mr. Ferguson?
-Hey, Charlie. -Yeah?
This stuff tastes like it was pumped straight out of the river.
-Don't you have any imported wine? -What? In Germany? French wine?
No, California!
-Oh, Fred, that was beautiful. -Indeed it was, Fred.
Would you believe I never folk-danced before in my life?
-You're doing fine, Jack. -Oh, boy!
"Dear jealous poker players, five down, four to go. Signed, Lucky."
Ready to do some tippling now, Miss Sam?
No, thank you. The scenery is heady enough.
Well, I'll just leave it here on the deck,
in case you get chilly in that pretty lace thing. Belgian, isn't it?
Yes. I bought it in Brussels.
Shop I recommended?
Where the mere mention of your name works miracles.
Why, it practically put the stunning young woman who works there in a swoon.
-Good old Yvette. -Yvonne, I think she said...
Oh, yes, of course. Did she give you a discount?
-20%. -Now, that's not bad, eh?
Well, it was wonderful until I saw the same thing for a 30% discount.
-Where? -At a shop a block away.
Well, it may have looked similar, but I'm sure...
Oh, no, not similar, Charlie, identical.
I'll check it out with Yvonne the next time I see her.
Well, you needn't do that because I happen to be the assistant buyer
for ladies' dresses for one of the largest department stores in Minneapolis, so...
Really?
...if there's one thing I do know, it is fabric and workmanship,
a lot better than your average shopper.
I sort of had you pegged as one of those terribly efficient ladies
who program computers or something. I never saw you in ladies' dresses.
And I never saw you as a cheap hustler.
(EXCLAIMS)
Well, can you deny you'll get a kick-back on this blouse?
10%, and the word is "commission,"
a perfectly legitimate practice.
Oh, sure. Anything goes when it comes to fleecing the American tourists.
No, wait. Wait. Have you ever thought what you get
for so few of your almighty dollars?
You get all of this. The art, the tradition, the history, the people, the food,
the whole bloody magic of it! The biggest bargain that ever was,
but all you can see is the price tag!
Oh, Charlie, we're talking about much more than that...
-Oh, come on. -...and you know it.
How long do you expect to get by on the old boyish charm, huh?
For the rest of my life, if I'm lucky.
All the best.
The damned blouse looks great on you.
Harve! Harve!
Harvey! Harve, it's me, Irma!
-Irma! -Harve! Come get me!
I told you Koblenz to Wiesbaden!
-What? -First Koblenz, then Wiesbaden.
I can't hear you!
-You're going the wrong way! -Harve!
-Irma! -Come get me, Harvey!
Irma!
Irma!
HARVE: Irma would have loved this.
FRED: The guy who said, "There's no place like home," must've taken this tour.
Mesdames et monsieurs, in order for you to enjoy the natural wonders
of Switzerland to the fullest,
World Wind Tours takes you off the beaten track
and puts you up in the tiny, picturesque village of Gruyere, of cheese fame.
It is one of the most famous vacation spots in this storybook land.
Cheese! That's how I lost Irma.
Hey, yeah, I'm sorry about that. I never had nothing like that happen to me.
Maybe because I never been married.
-How come? -Well, I don't know.
There was only one girl I ever felt that way about.
-Bet it was during the war. -That's amazing! How did you know that?
Well, I heard you mention many times that you were a veteran, so I figured...
Yeah, she lived in Rome when we liberated it.
Her name was Gina.
Still is, I bet.
Boy, that was the most beautiful three weeks I ever spent in my life.
You going to go see her when we get to Rome?
Boy, I'd love to, if I only had the guts!
EDNA: It's taking so long. Can't you get there from here?
SHELLY: I feel like I was born on this bus.
FRED: I feel like I died on it.
JENNY: Being this remote, you'd think they'd have a short cut.
SAMANTHA: What's our hurry? It's starting to rain, anyway.
BERT: How come it never rains on museum days?
(CLOCK CHIMING)
This free day gives me just the chance I need to catch up on my correspondence.
Don't tell them the truth. Let them think we're having fun.
Here I am, paying for this damn trip and grateful for a day off!
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
(YODELING MELODICALLY)
Hey! Down the hatch.
Past the teeth, past the gums, look out stomach, here she comes.
Prosit.
-Home was never like this, huh, Edna? -You can say that again.
It's like an Italian wedding.
You foreigners sure know how to live!
Bert, how about taking a picture of the group?
First thing a person learns, never waste film.
BO: What time did you say you had to be home?
They said the Fondue Fling would be over at 11:00.
-Their what fling? -Fondue Fling.
It's a party where all they eat is melted cheese. It comes with the tour.
This is something else.
You know, when you said that we'd go to your place,
I never thought it would turn out to be a youth hostel.
I figured it was time you met some real people.
(YODELING MELODICALLY)
What woman in my arms?
On the boat? Oh, that was just Freda, uh, Mrs. Gooding.
What? No, I don't know where her husband is now.
He's been dead a couple of years.
No, he's not on the tour!
Well, she was dancing, I wasn't!
What?
No, Irma, there is no woman in here with me now.
That's a yodeling act you're hearing.
I'm not in my room!
I mean, I'm in some cellar. I mean, it's Fondue Fling night.
Hello? Hello, Irma? Hello?
-How's Irma? -Hysterical!
-Hello. -Oh, I'm afraid all these seats are taken.
-Where is everybody? -Dancing.
-And what about you? -I'm not dancing.
No, what I meant was, would you care to join them?
No, thank you.
-Had any fondue yet? -No.
Well, there's a coincidence. Neither have I.
But I have an idea. Suppose you and I have it together?
Why?
Because this is Switzerland. It's a neutral country.
Oh.
That's better, isn't it?
Come with me.
(INAUDIBLE)
Must be your lucky night, Miss Sam.
You are about to partake of Charles Cartwright's
world-famous and special recipe for this stuff.
-The secret ingredient being aquavit? -Just a dash or two.
-Charlie, it won't help. -You mustn't argue with the chef.
100 proof and foolproof,
guaranteed to melt not only the cheese, but also the girl.
Well, at least you're honest about it.
However, if your plan is to get me so smashed that I...
My plan is merely to relax the irresistible force
and the immovable object before impact.
What are you doing?
Well, I want to prove that, dead drunk or cold sober,
I am just as immovable.
-Miss Sam, you are the irresistible force! -Oh!
Proceed at your own risk.
(SINGING) She fell in love with a swan
Her eyes were filled with feathers
He filled her with song
In the reedy river
In the reedy river
She in her boat, long hours
He in his royal plumage
She threw him some flowers
In the reedy river
Black was the night and starry
She loosened up her garments
And let fall her hair
In the reedy river
Sadly they mourn and sigh
Whilst in evening twilight
Two swans glide and fly
O'er the reedy river
O'er the reedy river
She fell in love with a swan
-All finished. -No.
Well, obviously you've had enough.
I can't get over what a different person you are.
-Different from whom? -From you.
Confidentially, neither can I.
(HICCUPS)
Well, isn't it better this way?
Whatever way this is, it is bloody marvelous.
Oh, Charlie.
Charlie Brown, I am sorry for all the terrible, awful things I said.
Well, forget it, forget it.
But I couldn't be just another bird on the list,
number nine or 300 or whatever astronomical figures you deal in.
They're just a few friends scattered about, really. That's all.
-Charlie, dance with me. -You think you can?
Dance?
Hell, I could fly!
Oh, it's the landing that counts, love.
Well! Samantha's obviously ready to be taken home.
Excellent idea!
By me.
Not a bad little pension.
Bo, I knew you were mature.
FRED: Shelly! You down there, Shelly?
Oh, my God, my father!
I figured that. Maybe if we just ignore him, he'll go away.
-Not my father! -FRED: Shelly!
-Shelly. Rome, Thursday. -Rome, Thursday.
-You and me. -Ciao!
BO: Ciao.
(CHATTERING)
JACK: That's it! That's a home run! That's a home run! That's good!
This sort of thing happen often over here, does it?
Have some of this, Miss Sam.
Please don't shout. Just tell me when we get to Liechtenstein.
-Liechtenstein? -l asked you not to shout.
(WHISPERING) We left Liechtenstein after lunch.
Where are we?
We're in sunny ltaly.
Canal's full of garbage.
They spell Venice very funny over here.
This is one place my outfit never got to.
I have relatives here. I wrote them I'm coming.
It's all very ethnic.
Centuries ago, Venice was one of the most powerful city states.
Hope they had better garbage collection in those days!
Irma would've loved this.
I didn't write my relatives, my mother wrote them.
If Amsterdam is the Venice of the north,
why isn't Venice the Amsterdam of the south?
Venezia, V-E-N-E-Z-I-A is how they spell it.
-Charlie! -Sophia!
Maria!
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
-Maria, you look great! -Thank you.
-We're only here for one day. -Where are you going?
Rome, but I'll see you next time around.
BERT: Look at that!
-Ciao, Maria! -Ciao!
Hold it a sec, would you? Hold it!
"Dear fellas, I met her in Venice. Number eight.
"This one's a winner any way you look at her. Signed, Exhausted."
Hey, everybody keeps talking about chow,
but we haven't had a bite to eat yet.
Ciao in Italy means one of two things, either "hello" or "goodbye."
Hey, paisan, I know that!
I was here in the war, remember? I was making a joke.
See, "chow" in the Army means...
Excuse me. I'm very nervous. I'm going to visit my relatives.
I don't know if you got my mother's letter or anything, but I'm John Marino.
Giovanni Marinamanno?
Originally, yes. Si.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Giovanni, Giovanni, Giovanni!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Francesca!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
How are you?
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I can't stay for lunch.
I have a bus to catch.
(TOASTING IN ITALIAN)
It looks delicious, but my bus is leaving.
(SPEAKING IN ITALIAN)
(WHISPERING)
It looks swell.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
-May I have this dance, Miss Sam? -What are you doing here?
Wondering why you and I aren't dancing.
Well, for one thing, there is no music.
A mere technicality.
(SLOW INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)
The last time we even thought about dancing together,
I wound up drunk and disorderly.
No, no. You were charming. No, really, no.
No, I'm glad we spiked the fondue.
Otherwise I might never have known there was another Sam Perkins.
Are you sure there is?
Ladies and gentlemen,
Sam Perkins is alive and in Venice tonight.
You had me fooled for a minute.
I thought you were just another American lady executive,
self-made, independent, ambitious, ambivalent.
Over here for a few weeks to decide about marrying... What's his name?
George.
Charlie?
Right here, love.
What makes you so sure I'm not the stereotype, too?
Because you're so worried you might be.
And because behind that department store front there lurks an adorable,
vulnerable, comical little waif with her nose pressed up against the glass,
looking out at the world as if it were one great big pastry
because she'd love to reach out and taste it.
But she doesn't dare. And because of the effect she's having
on one very well-traveled bloke
whose rule up to now was always never to get involved with a lady tourist.
(SAMANTHA CHUCKLES)
I wonder if George ever thought of me as a waif.
-You heard about the new tour rule? -No.
George's name is never to be mentioned again.
You are a hard man, Charlie Brown.
Come by it honestly, I did.
Brought up in the streets, I was.
Oh, where were your folks?
In the streets. They were buskers.
Buskers?
Mmm. Little groups of street entertainers who perform for handouts.
They used to be all over London.
You know, we'd see a nice, rich American lady, like you,
then we'd break into our act.
-You don't believe me, do you? -l do.
-No, you don't. -Yes, I do.
I'll have to show you. You watch.
(SINGING) I'm quite satisfied
With a pretty little girl like you
You're good enough for me
If I'm good enough for you
I'd be gratified
If you'd be my little loving wife
Say, say, say, won't you name the day
I'd be satisfied for life
Don't throw money.
Throw kisses.
Sam.
You go ahead. I'll be up in five minutes.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
228, please.
Also your messages, signore.
-She called seven times. -Wrong number.
-Hello, Samantha. -George!
I know I'm the last person you expected to see in Italy,
but I just plain couldn't go the full 18 days without you.
-Hello, George. -And goodbye, Charlie.
Samantha. Travel evidently agrees with you.
You look absolutely great. Better than ever, as a matter of fact.
Well, as we used to say in Anzio, on to Rome.
-Where all roads lead. -Rome's my last chance.
If I don't find Irma, I go home without a wife.
Better than not going home at all.
Or going home with a wife you don't want.
-l beg your pardon? -No, I didn't mean him. I meant me.
I guess it was a mistake for me just to pack up and come over here.
But I was worried about you from the minute I took you to the airport that day.
Remember? It was raining like mad.
I know it's silly of me.
God knows you're a grown girl and can take care of yourself.
Now that I am here, I can see why you were anxious to make this trip.
After all, these are foreign countries
and the unknown always has a certain attraction.
And it's a good bunch you've got here. Lot of fun.
Samantha...
Well, didn't you hear me, honey, or don't you want to?
It's not that, George.
JENNY: Why so silent, Mr. Cartwright?
Too much Venice?
Too much vino, Charlie? Huh?
(BERT LAUGHING)
Nothing much to say, I guess.
Well, if you won't entertain us, I guess we'll have to entertain ourselves.
Why don't we all sing something?
Did she say sing?
(SINGING) Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream
I'm afraid she did.
Merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream
Merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream
Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream
Merrily, merrily, merrily Life is but a dream
Row, row, row your boat Gently down the stream
CHARLIE: The colonnade was designed by Bernini,
and the dome by none other than Michelangelo.
HARVE: I wonder if the pizza's as good here as it is back home.
Hey, this place is so big, maybe we'd better split up.
Okay, you take the inside, I'll take the outside.
Fred, how can you come all the way to Rome
and then refuse to go into St. Peter's?
Edna, if you drag me into one more church, I swear I'm going to...
Don't swear here.
CHARLIE: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven...
Well, now you all know, people,
that after this official group photograph has been taken for posterity,
of which you will each receive one copy
compliments of World Wind Tours,
we'll have the rest of the afternoon free before we meet for
our farewell evening dinner at the Grotto del Piccione.
(ALL CHEER)
Now where was I?
Here. I'm 12.
Come, come, Shelly. You'll never see 16 again.
Number 12, 13, 14... Are we missing George?
It's too soon to tell.
I guess he's the kind that takes no for an answer.
Antonio, whenever you're ready.
Now, paesanos...
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
JENNY: I don't know about this guy, but wait until you see the pictures we took.
EDNA: I think my best shots were of Jack on the Rhine.
JACK: And I got one just the way I always want to remember you.
FREDA: And how about the one of the two of us at Marble Arch?
HARVE: I'm glad I got a shot of Irma before she got lost.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Miss Sam.
How are you planning to spend your free afternoon?
Oh, I'm going to rent a car and see more of Rome.
Great.
Alone, please, Charlie.
It's a free country.
(CHILDREN CLAMORING)
Now, you're dead sure this is the right place?
-Number-o thirty-one-0? No mistake-o0? -Si, si.
Keep the change-o.
(HAMMERING)
Excuse me,
I think I'm in the wrong place.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Speak the English?
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I don't know if you can understand me,
but I'd like to have a pair of shoes made for myself.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Ah, cheap-o.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, you mean the color.
-Colore. -FRED: I'd really like tan.
SHOEMAKER: Tan, tan, tan.
-Tan. -Tan, che tan?
Light brown. The same color the salesman from Des Moines bought.
(SHOEMAKER MUMBLING)
-Mr. Bellkamp. -Betman?
Signor Arthur Bellkamp. A very good customer of yours.
He bought tan. This.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
But light, tan.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Tan! You understand tan?
(EXCLAIMING IN ITALIAN)
Look, look.
You mix brown and white together and you get tan.
(EXCLAIMS)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Yeah. Very good, good-o.
Now, I'll give you my card in America,
and when the shoes are ready, you send them to me. Si?
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Now we bargain, right?
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
How much?
(EXCLAIMS)
Too much.
Deal-o.
Now, I will give you a small deposit,
but how do I know you'll send the shoes?
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You mean you'd trust me to send you the money after I get the shoes?
-Si. -FRED: In America?
-In America. -l want to shake your hand, sir.
-Ciao. -And how, ciao.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(CAR HORNS HONKING)
BERT: "Dear fellows, when in Rome, do as the Romans do.
"I did. Here she is."
(EXCLAIMING DELIGHTEDLY)
Okay.
Thank you. Oh, yeah, 4,000, right?
-One, two, three, four. -Grazie.
Oh, thank you.
No, no, that's the deal I gave.
-Don't go. -l have to, mission accomplished.
Well, I leave Rome tomorrow anyway, so why can't you wait just one more day?
I'm finito in this town.
With 180 of our kids in jail, our protest has been delivered.
They gave me four hours to leave the country, like, eight hours ago.
Hey, you could go to our farewell dinner with me tonight.
They'd never think of looking for you there.
Your old man would blow the whistle before they served the soup.
I'd leave the place with you if he tried anything like that.
You'd defy your father?
-Do you know how groovy that is? -Yeah.
Won't we ever see each other again?
Today is what's important.
Tomorrow's for the birds. Your father's generation proved that.
I know. I just hope someday you demonstrate in Charlotte, North Carolina.
Cool it, please.
Here.
Mr. Smith? Prego.
Thank you.
Psst.
This cousin of mine, is she in the lobby right now?
No, but she has telephoned three times
and she has been here twice since you left this morning.
If she comes back, you tell her I checked out.
Gina, I don't know if you remember me. Jack Harmon.
Jack Harmon, yeah, yeah, right.
Yeah, Sergento Giovanni.
Yeah. Si. I'm back in Rome. Yeah, talk about a coincidence.
Listen, I'm right across the street. Yeah.
JACK: What? Right now?
Yeah, I think I could manage that.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Hi.
-Hi. -Prego. Come in.
It's amazing, the place looks just exactly the way I remember it.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I try to keep it always the same.
As a matter of fact, I think it even looks better than I remember it.
You know, sunny, nice.
Because there is no war this time, hmm?
So do you, Gina.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You look positively great.
And a little older, eh?
Well, the whole world is a little older these days.
At least it felt that way until a few minutes ago.
(BABY CRYING)
-Yours? -No, my daughter's.
WOMAN: Signore, signore,
maybe signore will buy a souvenir of Roma.
Buy?
Maybe it's better that it ended when it did, huh?
While it was still perfect.
-Is he your daughter's, too? -No, mine.
Yeah, well...
I guess I'd better go back to the hotel before my wife thinks
you and I took up where we left off.
Your wife is a lucky woman, whoever she is.
Yeah. Goodbye, Gina.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, I almost forgot.
-For the bambinos. -Oh, grazie.
Might as well give them that, too.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(HORN HONKING)
(TIRES SKIDDING)
Oh, excuse me, sir. I am terribly sorry. It's all my fault.
You see, I don't understand these crazy signs.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
No, no, I don't speak Italian but if there's any problem, here's my driver's license.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh! No, no. You don't understand.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I have money.
Lira. Lira.
(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(SAMANTHA STUTTERING)
Doesn't anybody here speak English?
(SAMANTHA SCREAMING)
(SAMANTHA SOBBING)
I've always suspected those two.
You always suspect everybody.
It's called Calamaretti alla Romana.
I still don't know what it is, but it's great.
It's squid.
Well, if you only wanted hamburgers and packaged rolls,
you should never have left the sticks.
What the hell? I was enjoying it.
Ever since he went to that Roman shoemaker,
he's been completely brainwashed.
-Your wife? -Oh, no. No.
(CHARLIE LAUGHING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Franco.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Sam?
Oh, thank you for coming.
-Put this on. -Oh, I'm not cold.
-Stop fighting me. -Yes, Charlie.
-You're going for a ride. -Yes, Charlie.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
I'm going to take you on our special Rome By Night tour
to make up for all this.
But shouldn't we be at the farewell dinner tonight?
Eighteen Yanks in paper party hats will never miss us.
Oh, how to lose a job in one easy lesson.
There are many other jobs, but not too many other...
Look at me.
And where are you going to take a girl who's just fallen into a fountain?
Like falling off a horse. I reckon you had to get right back on one again.
(WATER GUSHING)
CHARLIE: Welcome to the Villa D'Este.
(LAUGHS)
You're a funny man, Charlie.
Funny strange or funny "ha ha"?
(BOTH LAUGH)
Funny unpredictable.
I never know what you're gonna do next.
I do. I'll be guiding World Wind Tour Number 226.
Why?
Because this is World Wind Tour Number 225.
How long are you going to be doing that?
Until they find your bleached white bones pointing to some monument?
-No, I'll quit one day. -And do what?
I'll put out a small, inexpensive newspaper
in four or five languages for the tourists in Europe.
Tell them what's on, what's off,
where the bargains are, where to eat,
concerts, plays, girlie shows, festivals, horse races. You name it, we'll print it.
And I could keep traveling around, alone in my own car,
getting news, never getting bored.
None of it will ever happen.
Why? It sounds like a great idea.
Oh, it is.
For someone who's ready to take on responsibility.
Not me.
Maybe you'll change someday.
Wouldn't that be nice?
(CABARET MUSIC PLAYING)
HARVE: All I can tell you is, her name is Irma Blakely.
Irma! Capital "I," small "R," small "M," small "A."
Well, I'm calling you because I'm calling every possible hotel in Rome.
This is a dire emergency.
(STAMMERING) You're the what?
The Y.M.C.A. All capital letters. I know. I know.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
And now, to show my appreciation,
I would like very much from the audience a man.
Me, me, me, me, me.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
WOMAN: A man that will dance with the girls.
(WOMAN LAUGHS)
Mamma mia! Isn't there anyone?
There is my man.
(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)
No, no, no, look, I'm a married man. I'm a married man
I can't even do the fox trot.
WOMAN: Okay, girls, azione.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
I can't.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Harvey Blakely!
Irma! That's my wife.
Oh, I wish I was dead.
Irma! Irma, darling!
-Don't touch me! -Irma, it's me!
No, it's not! It's some playboy I never knew!
Hi.
Good morning.
It's a beautiful morning.
-Weatherwise. -And otherwise.
Your friend is very generous to let you stay here when you're in Rome.
-Only when he's not in Rome. -He's missing a fantastic view.
-That he is. -You like it?
Very chic.
It's a new line from my department, I'll call it the shirt-off-his-back model.
-You think they'll go for it? -In droves.
Especially if you're in it.
Ah, that may limit the sale to just one.
Sold to this customer, the man with the gleam in his eye.
-Still, Charlie? -Brighter than ever.
-You know what? -What?
The bus leaves for the airport in two hours.
You know, you sound like me two weeks ago.
A walking time schedule.
The best two weeks a girl from Minneapolis ever had.
Don't go back, Sam.
Charlie, I'm a square.
I have to know where I'm headed. I can't just drift.
Look, we drifted into this and it's not all that bad, is it?
It's perfect. That's what's so scary.
-You're scared? -Not you, too?
Petrified.
-But why? -To find I'm in love enormously.
(SAMANTHA MOANING)
Charlie.
-I'll miss my plane. -Wouldn't that be nice?
Mr. Marino, please.
Giovanni? Giovanni? Giovanni Marinamanno?
-Yeah. -lo your cousin-o.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
You're the cousin I've been avoid...
Well, my heartfelt condolences, Mr. Marino, but we've got to go.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
So, that's the relative that was leaving all those messages for you.
I missed her completely.
Look who's talking.
Sometime, if I'm out your way, I'd like to meet your kids.
How about Christmas? You must get a few days off.
How about Thanksgiving? That's sooner.
Psst.
Oh, nuts. I've run out of ink.
Edna, next year I won't even let you take a pen.
Next year? Where are we going next year?
-Romantic Scandinavia. -Oh, Fred.
(FRED CHUCKLES)
You know where I'd like to go next year?
Where? All the places you missed this year?
Japan. I got lots of friends there now.
-CHARLIE: Mr. Greenfield. Safe trip. -Thanks for everything.
-Mrs. Gooding. -Bye bye.
-Charlie, thanks for everything. -Pleasure, Mr. Harmon.
-Charlie, have you seen Irma? -First one through.
-You're a life saver. -Look after her.
You won't believe this, Charlie boy, but I'm actually sorry I'm leaving.
I'm delighted.
And I'm going to give you a great big kiss.
Edna.
-Bye, Mrs. Ferguson. -Thanks a zillion.
Shelly, it's a pleasure. Don't miss the flight.
CHARLIE: Miss Sam...
WOMAN ON PA: Trans World Airlines Starstream Flight 841,
Royal Ambassador service, nonstop to New York.
Now in the final boarding process at Gate 11.
All passengers should be on board.
Marry me.
SAMANTHA: It won't work.
Why not? Why not?
You're the first girl I've ever asked to marry me.
Surely that must prove something.
It proves I'm a little more special than I thought I was.
And for that I thank you.
Charlie, you're a very special man to be loved by.
Why, if it weren't for you, I might have married George
and that would have been idiotic, huh?
Well, what will you do?
-I don't know. Think. -No, don't.
Look, for the first time in your life, take a chance.
Leap before you look.
That's not me.
Can't you think over here?
Back in Minneapolis there are no Rhine castles
and there are no gondolas and there's no bloody magic to confuse me.
Sam! You'd better come right now.
Samantha, love, it's not that bloody difficult.
All you've got to decide is whether you want to be married to me, or not to me.
That is the question.
WOMAN ON PA: This is the final call
for Trans World Airlines Starstream Flight 841,
Royal Ambassador Service, nonstop to New York.
Now in the final boarding process at Gate 11.
All passengers should be on board.
Ladies and gentlemen,
this will be, for the next three weeks, your home sweet home
away from home sweet home,
complete with all comforts of same.
Reclining seats, which we will rotate so that everyone gets a turn at the window.
Rather like a game of musical chairs.
That way, perhaps, you may find yourself seated next to
somebody with whom you will make beautiful music.
Oh, it's happened before. On this very bus.
If this is London why ain't it raining?
The sun is shining on St. Paul's dome
If this is real, then I must be dreaming
Can't wait to tell the folks back home
Can't wait to tell the folks back home
If it's Tuesday this must be Belgium
If it's Wednesday this must be Rome
If it's Thursday this must be Montreux
I fear I never wanna go home
I fear I never wanna go home