1
Till number one.
Till number one.
Till number one.
Good morning, sir,
welcome to Waingel's Bank.
My name is Sheila.
How can I help you?
01632 960786?
- You all right?
- Yeah, all right. You?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Do you want me to get him?
- Uh, yeah.
- Vince! Vince! Telephone!
- Is that Gwen?
- No, your dad.
- All right?
- Don't ask. You?
Yeah, you?
- What are you doing?
- Going round Dad's.
What about supper?
What supper?
You didn't tell me anything?
Don't give me that! Of course you knew.
What else do I do every evening?
Just put it in the fridge.
I can have it tomorrow.
Vince, you are pushing me to the edge,
do you know that?
Eat your dinner,
then you can go to your dad's.
- Leave it out, Mum.
- Well, what are you going to eat?
Stacy's making a curry.
Who's Stacy?
His new bird.
He didn't tell you?
Oh! Freezing out there!
I thought you'd be back at six.
Long queue in the post office.
You'd think it'd be empty
after Christmas.
Starving here!
Forgot already what you were
banging on about last night?
Fridge dinners and all that?
Or have you gone off
the idea of stale food...
Oh, sorry.
I didn't know you had company.
How's it going, Gwen?
- She's modelling.
- Pardon me, then.
I'm cooking for three then, am I?
- Gwen? Vince? Anyone?
- Yes, please.
Have you offered her anything?
We only just started.
Gwen, would you like a drink?
Let's have a look.
Very good!
He's made you look really lovely, Gwen.
I wish I had that talent.
You've reached 01632 960786.
I'm not in right now,
but if you leave a message,
I'll get straight back to you.
This is a message for Sheila.
It's Adonis. Box number 1592.
I got your letter and your photo.
I've got a few other dates this week,
but give me a call
and I'll see if I can slot you in.
My number is 01632 960322.
A purchase on a horizon,
a panoply of temptation.
Can a curious soul desist?
I'm just looking, thank you.
The hesitation in your voice
soon to be an echo
in the recesses
of the spheres of retail.
Imagine, 60 percent vanished
from this sensational garment.
In apprehensions
lie the crevices of clarity.
Isn't it a little risqu?
A provocation.
For what else must one wear?
I'm just going on a date.
A date? Well? And what kind of date?
Food and drinks?
Food and drinks, yeah.
An embellishment of occasion,
for instance,
but also the emphasis
of comfort and pleasure.
Thus you will destroy two birds
with a stone.
Imagine, the dress is your image
and from me onto what you project
through an illusion.
One sensation of mind,
one fabric in recollection of touch.
But this is how I see
your night romance.
I predict the fantasy.
Isn't it small? What size is this?
Thirty-six.
But I'm not a thirty-six.
In a number is only
the equation of actuality.
Dimensions and proportions transcend
the prisms of our measurements.
You're not getting any more in?
There's a lucky man somewhere
in the vista of this mysterious mirror.
May I ask his name?
His name's Adonis.
Adonis? I see him.
I like him.
And it's not clinging too tightly here?
Desist warning attention
to the askew perception of self.
Lightest trivia
and the local vectors of frivolity
are the topics
Adonis will be discussing tonight.
I don't normally wear
this kind of thing.
Darings eclipse
the dark circumference of caution.
Be bold.
Your date will compliment you.
Touch it.
Feel it here.
And may I interest you in other desired
supposes in our exclusive boutique?
I'm fine for now, thank you.
Then I would like you to announce
your locus of residence
followed by the numbers
to your telephone.
Sheila Woolchapel,
16 Ferndale Road,
Thames Valley-on-Thames.
01632 960786.
Thank you.
The pleasure is all mine,
Sheila Woolchapel.
Adonis will be waiting
and he will compliment you.
Till number one.
Till number one.
Sheila Woolchapel,
16 Ferndale Road,
Thames Valley-on-Thames.
Telephonic code:
zero and one and six and three
and two and nine and six and zero
and seven and eight and six and stop.
Well, maybe I can actually,
you know...
No, I'm not.
I'm off. Your dinner's in the fridge.
What have you done to your hair?
Why?
Looks like the council cut it.
Thanks.
You're not dating, are you?
Why? Aren't I allowed to?
Bit soon?
I didn't know
there was a time limit.
I thought you wanted
to get back with Dad.
That was a while ago,
and obviously your dad had other ideas.
Oh, and tell that femme fatale of yours
to get off the phone.
It's gonna cost me a fortune.
You've reached 01632 960786.
I'm not in right now, but if you leave
a message I'll get straight back to you.
It's Adonis again.
Amesos Greek restaurant, 7:30.
I'll be wearing a dark Donningtonio suit
and carrying a rose.
I'm tall, slim, short back and sides.
If you don't find me, I'll find you.
Oh!
- Box number 1592?
- Yeah.
- Did I scare you?
- No, it's fine.
I've got some love vouchers
that will give us ten percent off
as long as we share the same pudding.
Pudding? Sounds good. Join me.
- As promised.
- Oh, thank you.
- What?
- You look different.
How?
Well, your hair.
Hair grows back.
- Do you know what you're having?
- In a minute, OK?
The moussaka looks good.
So, you like dancing then?
Not tonight, I sprained my ankle.
God, I didn't mean tonight.
Just in general. You like dancing?
Yeah.
It says in your lonely hearts
advertisement that you like laughing.
Yeah.
What kind of things?
Funny things.
- What about cooking?
- What is this, an exam?
Friendly evenings, guests.
Welcome to Amesos.
My name is Vlassis and you are?
Sheila Woolchapel.
Adonis Jackson.
And may I take
your lucky orders?
Madam?
Oh, there will be the tzatziki
for the starter
and vegetable moussaka for the main.
Instantly, madam. You, sir?
Um...
I will come back for your lucky order.
Vince? Vince? Get a move on.
I'm desperate. Vince?
Sorry, I didn't know
you were staying over.
Didn't Vince tell you?
Well, maybe I didn't hear.
I hope it's not a problem.
Of course not, no.
Nice night out?
Yes, thank you. Caught up with a friend.
Where's Vince?
He didn't answer when I called him.
He must've knocked himself out.
It's always the way with him. As soon as
he comes, he's out for the count.
Must be the pressure
of those mock exams.
It should get better by February.
Did you get anything nice in the sales?
Not much. You?
I found a very tasteful
pair of Carpathian stockings
from Dentley and Soper's.
Seventy percent off.
Now that's what I call a bargain.
I'm sorry
if I was too long in the shower.
I won't keep you waiting
as I know you're desperate.
- What are you doing?
- You tell me.
- How did this end up in here?
- Eh?
The next time your girlfriend
wants to try something on,
how about asking me first?
- You got a screw loose?
- Don't talk to me like that.
Gwen wouldn't be seen dead
in something like that.
- So how did it end up in there, then?
- How would I know?
I don't like people
going through my things, Vince.
- Touch! Neither do I.
- Don't you touch me.
I've had enough of her
making a mini-bar from my wine
and now helping herself to my wardrobe.
She's turning my house into a boudoir
and I'm not having it.
It's becoming a bit disgusting
if you must know.
Leave it out, Mum.
No, I'm not going to leave it out,
young Vincent.
I'll say it again
because nothing gets through your head.
To be frank,
I find Gwen a bit disgusting.
And the sooner
you take that on board, the better.
Hello.
I hope you didn't move
without me.
Don't get paranoid, Mum.
Now where were we?
Your turn, Don Juan.
- Oh, my God, what's that?
- What?
That looks nasty.
Just some sort of rash.
Ugh, I hope it isn't catchy.
Yeah, what is that?
I saw it the other day.
I don't know. An allergy of some sort.
Maybe the washing powder.
- You should get it looked at, Mum.
- Don't scare me.
I'm not scaring you. Just get a cream
and Bob's your uncle. For your sake.
My financial advisor
had something similar.
Some kind of blood infection.
Ended up having to
amputate her right arm.
- Don't give me that.
- Seriously!
The doctor kept sending her
home saying it was some kind of allergy
and she ended up really ill.
But it's fine now.
She eventually learnt to write
left-handed.
Beautiful handwriting too.
Your turn.
Oh, dear.
Tough decision.
Do you have to talk French all the time?
He has to practise for his A levels.
Actually.
Sorry.
What was that?
- Turn it off.
- I've turned it off!
Pull the plug out!
Sit on it or something! Oh!
Mum!
What's going on with this thing?
Till number two.
Thanks for coming in, Sheila.
Look at that, still finding
pine needles everywhere.
All over our sofa back home as well.
Must get a plastic tree next year.
Yeah, we must. How's it going, Sheila?
- Yeah, everything's fine.
- Ah.
What happened to your hand?
Nothing much.
Washing machine went bananas.
Well, we know a very good repair company
if you need anyone.
- What's that, Staverton's?
- Yeah. Staverton's Wash. In your area.
They did wonders with our machine,
didn't they, Clive?
Yeah, they did.
A really good mechanic.
So how are things going? Do you feel
on top of things at the moment?
Yeah, I think so.
We didn't see you
at the Christmas bowling the other week.
Oh, I think I had a lot on
with my son that night.
Hmm. Interesting.
Sheila, Pete Mathinson
spoke to us the other day.
Now he's really impressed with how
you're all doing. Lots of good feedback.
Yeah, he also noticed how attuned you
were to the Waingel's Wavelength.
Yeah. One thing he flagged
with us though.
He wasn't sure about your handshake.
Pete thinks you're doing really well,
likes the way you smell as well,
but to tell you the truth,
the handshake did come up
and Pete commented on how
perhaps it wasn't meaningful enough.
Sheila, Pete wanted you
to have this article here.
Um... It's about the importance
of a meaningful handshake.
Sure, I'll take a look.
It's written
in a fun, easy language
and there's a cartoon at the end
that summarises the key points.
And Sheila, if you want, we'd be happy
to try out a role-play scenario
- which involves handshaking.
- It doesn't have to be a bank scenario.
We have a range of costumes
we could all try on.
- It's OK, I'll practise at home.
- Hm.
One other thing, Sheila.
One of your colleagues noticed
that you tend to visit the ladies' room
prior to clocking out for feeding time.
Who told you this?
It wouldn't be professional of us
to say her name.
I normally clock out
and instantly leave the building.
Well, if it's a one-off we understand,
but we just wanted to flag it up
with you, in case Pete finds out.
A minute or two
might not seem significant,
but when we spoke to your colleague,
she did some calculations
and rightly reminded us
that if these unwarranted toilet visits
were to take place
at an estimate of
two minutes per visit,
you would accrue
over four hundred minutes every year.
And to tell you the truth, two minutes
for a visit to the toilet is generous.
Well, in my experience
it's two and a half.
I timed myself
right before this meeting.
It was a one-off,
I can assure you.
Whoever it was who informed you
of my transgression
obviously doesn't notice
that I'm regularly in ten minutes early.
Maybe you could do the maths on that.
- What do you think?
- Is fantastic.
And the shawl?
The shawlest vantage
praises January customer
for she is in purchase
of our sacred domain. Cheers.
It's a little tight
around the shoulders.
I knew I'd need a size up
after Christmas.
When your stature is emphasised,
it is my duty to provide you
with a notion of proportion
that reflects your ideal of dimension.
Wait here.
Our perspectives
on the spectres of mortality
must not be compromised
by an askew index of commerce.
I'm sorry.
The model, the affliction.
What happened?
A calamity.
Imagine. Jill Woodmere. Yes, she.
Our range in garments she defined
through a rapture of display.
And here, the last dress she wore.
Oh, how she adored it.
I'm sorry.
The rhombic coat?
The rhombic coat, yes. I'll try it on.
Sorry, one last thing.
How many of those
dresses were in stock?
One. Only the one.
And the model wore that same dress?
Yes. But imagine, she extensively
showered before that photograph.
Vince?
Vince?
Zach? Sheila, box number 6832.
I have some love vouchers here
with some exciting discounts.
That's if you don't mind
sharing a pudding with me.
- You look familiar, you know?
- Oh, no, don't scare me.
Seriously, I've seen you somewhere
before, I don't know where, but...
Do you bank at Waingel's?
Ah, I thought it was
something like that.
I remember now.
You fined me for going over my limit!
Oh, not me, I don't fine.
I just follow orders from above.
I think I still have a letter from you
asking me to make an appointment
with your managers.
You were kind of stern, but I liked it.
What happened? What happened?
It's OK, it's OK.
Come here, it's OK.
It's hard to make friends in this town.
I know.
Is it just me?
No, it's OK. Don't think about it.
It's hard to make friends here,
it really is.
You met many others through this?
A few. You?
One or two.
I don't need to meet anyone anymore.
Me neither.
"You who wear me will know me."
What's that supposed to mean?
It's just a design feature.
Cheap bit of mystery.
You think anyone buying these things
gives a damn what it all means?
Would you think I'm bonkers
if I told you I think something's wrong
with that dress?
Of course not.
I haven't met a woman who didn't think
there was something wrong with a dress.
A woman who modelled it died.
And? Half the clothes I bought in the
charity shop are from people who died.
Don't run yourself around
all this hocus pocus.
Personally, I like you in it.
- Really?
- Yeah, really.
- You're not just saying that?
- You look good in it.
OK, you look good in most things,
but that dress definitely shows you off.
Put it on.
Don't tell me you're scared of a dress?
You don't want to go
into town today?
Oh, it's a nightmare on Saturdays.
Why don't we stay here?
You know, acclimatise you to Vince.
No one's rushing you there.
I just think it'll be good for him
to see me back on my feet a little bit.
He was a little short with me
on the phone.
He's in a bad way.
The separation really got to him.
Not helped by my ex
trying to pit him against me.
- Join the club.
- Darren!
- No!
- Darren, get off!
Get off! Get off, Darren!
Darren, get off!
- Get off! Get off!
- My leg!
Get it off!
Darren, you bastard! Darren!
Mum!
- Mum!
- Up here!
Took me ages to get your stuff!
They asked for my ID and everything
then they gave me some punk's rucksack.
I've no idea why they...
Vince, this is Zach.
A friend from work.
Pleased to meet you.
All right. Where do you want me
to put these, then?
No point, they're all ripped to pieces.
Eh? This one's not ripped.
- Of course it's ripped.
- It's brand spanking new, almost.
It should be ripped.
The dog ripped it to pieces.
It should be ripped!
I tell you, it should be ripped!
I have reached the dimension of remorse,
Sheila Woolchapel. The dress.
I can't claim with its reacceptance
if its purchase is not evidenced.
I had the receipt.
I don't know where it's gone.
Look, honestly, I don't need the refund.
Just let me exchange it
for something else.
A casual exchange seldom expresses
a lady's self-assurance
- and her embodiment of fashion...
- You know what? Just take the dress.
I don't need anything back,
just take it.
Lamentations can be fairly addressed
to Miss Kolliston.
Distinction avows her noble hearing.
Psst! Psst!
Forget it.
Like a whisper in an ocean,
like a feather in a storm,
a dress of deduction finds its character
in a prism of retail abstraction.
I don't understand.
Miss Luckmoore
experienced a transaction of ecstasy,
and I ask if you could
mutually sanctify her claim?
Look, this is nothing personal,
but I'm done with the sales, thank you.
But your dismissal of such a prestigious
consumerist festivity leaves me bereft.
Did Miss Luckmoore
engage with the doctrine of the store
and did the experience consolidate your
perception of the paradigm of retail?
I've got to go back to work.
Just a goodwill gesture
for the inaugural consumer.
A fantastic offer,
I inferred to myself in jest.
I just don't see
why I couldn't return this dress.
The very purpose of this seasonal retail
occasion is to expunge.
Returning what has already left
the ladies' fashion boutique of Dentley
and Soper's Trusted Department Store
goes against the nature of things.
Such a pretty dress.
I hope Adonis complimented you.
Pitcroft!
How's your leg, Sheila?
Better, thank you.
Clive knows the local vet
and he can confirm that
he destroyed the dog on your behalf.
He also wanted you to know
that he took great pleasure
in denying the dog its last biscuit.
It must be a pain
not being able to drive.
The doctor reckons
I can start back tomorrow.
Oh, good, good.
Um, Sheila, can we have a word?
Of course.
How was your weekend?
Well, interesting.
Anything nice in the sales?
Just a dress,
but that was the other week.
Good bargains.
Sheila, I was pleased to see your name
down on the bowling list again.
Even though I don't think you
should be in Ruth's team, but still,
we have a nice balance of numbers
this month, so well done.
Should be an interesting match.
Yeah. Looking forward to it.
Now, Sheila, we caught up
with Pete Mathinson this morning.
Really meaningful meeting, um...
just reviewing where we're going
with various things.
He was very impressed
with how you're getting on, all good.
Only he mentioned that
you waved at his mistress
just by Landrake's tuck shop
last weekend.
Yeah, I remember, she waved back.
Hm. You see, she asked Pete
to call up a meeting about the incident
and we all came to the conclusion
that the waving can only be construed
as informal salutation.
I don't understand.
Technically, the mistress of a boss
is classified as a superior
according to company policy,
hence her surprise
at such a casual mode of greeting.
Yeah, she urged us to term it
as insolent salutation
but she gets ahead of herself sometimes.
She smiled. She waved back!
Sheila, when we worked
at the other branch in town
we had a member of staff very similar
to you; diligent, hard working.
Only, Clive and I noticed
a core of the inscrutable about her.
Not remotely
on the Waingel's Wavelength.
We didn't think anything of it until
we discovered she was in the habit
of injecting foolhardy substances
into her bloodstream on a regular basis.
Now we're not suggesting
you're inclined that way.
But nonetheless,
a story shared and all that.
And those mysterious toilet breaks
before feeding time.
One mysterious toilet break.
You would tell us
if there was something?
Then we can keep Pete
and the Police Force out of this.
Well, it's just been busy with my son
and the school holidays.
What's wrong, Sheila? You can tell us.
Nothing! Just a few bad sleeping dreams.
Can you give us an example?
Well, just this one the other night,
um...
I was very close to my mother,
in real life, I mean.
My father died when I was young
and she and I grew even closer.
I loved her dearly.
I didn't have enough space
to store all her things after she died,
which always makes me sad.
I gave everything to charity,
but wished I'd kept something.
But in this sleep,
I found one of her old dresses.
It smelt of her perfume,
which I hadn't come across in years.
Brought me right back,
made everything feel all right again.
I put the dress on
and I looked in the mirror,
but it wasn't me at all.
It was my mother from the grave
with the same jet-black dyed hair.
I remember when she bought this dye.
She was so fed up of the old ones
dripping off in the rain,
but this one was permanent.
More than her flesh.
I caught a bus and everyone hid
under their seats when they saw me.
Racists.
I stank of my mother's corpse.
The stench made the driver vomit
and we went off a cliff and I woke up.
And what colour was the bus?
It was the colour
of Thames Valley-on-Thames.
Yeah, it was that colour.
I'm dropping some stuff off
at the charity shop
if you've got anything
that needs taking.
Is that a yes or a no?
Maybe!
Well, you go on Monday, then.
And don't forget to bring the stuff
on the back seat. Yes?
Yes!
OK. I'll see you in the morning.
I've left you some food in the fridge.
Where are you going?
I'm gonna stay with someone.
What? You mean slaphead?
His name's Zach.
I thought you said
he was a mate.
Well, he's something more than that now.
What I always do is,
because I love queueing for the sales,
I find it really exciting,
and I have done it all night, actually.
Yes, it's great fun.
There's a great camaraderie, you know.
And everybody's good.
They keep your place
while you go and get an all-night
coffee or something like that.
But the advice I always give,
when you go in, don't follow the crowd,
because they all go up
the main central escalator.
But I always dive
to the side of the store
where I know there's another staircase
and run up there to the first floor
because I know what I want
because I'd been the week before
and I knew I wanted
this, you know, particular dress.
And there it was...
You've reached 01632 960786.
I'm not in right now, but if you leave
a message I'll get straight back to you.
Pick up the phone,
it's the Police Force.
Pick up the phone this instant.
If you need anything,
don't hesitate to ask.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, that does look nice on you.
Really? I might freeze to death in this.
Think about your summer cruise
along the Adriatic
with the breeze running through
that dress
as you sip your sparkling wine
with the captain on deck.
I can't afford a cruise
this summer.
Well, if you need any help,
just let me know.
Thank you.
All right, mate.
Just that, please.
Welcome to Amesos, dear guest.
My name is Sandro. And you are?
Uh... Reg Speaks.
May I take your lucky order?
Just a kebab will be fine. And chips.
Kebab and chips, instantly.
Uh... Sorry, no bags on the table.
Is not nice. And drinks?
Reggie!
Down it! Down it!
Down it! Down it! Down it!
Oi, oi!
I'm soaked!
Never mind, Reg. Never mind.
As your best man, I come equipped,
excuse me, for every eventuality.
You need new clothing?
Look no further.
I always knew you had a feminine side.
What choice has he got with Babs around?
Well, don't just look at it. I didn't
just buy it for the missus, you know!
- I can't put it on in here.
- "I can't put it on in here."
- Go on, get it on.
- It won't fit me.
It'll fit you,
don't worry about that, go on.
Yeah, come on,
you big girl's blouse, get it on!
Come on, Reg! Don't let the side down!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
- Wait, where's the dummy?
- Oi! Clipper!
Speech! Speech
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Oh, you bloody tosspot.
I'll do it, all right?
Reg here has been hanging
around my house,
or more specifically,
my daughter's bedroom, since he was 17.
Now we all love Reg, don't we? Don't we?
I mean, he always gets a round in,
good at five-a-side,
and I gotta say,
he's always good around Babs.
And that ain't no easy task.
You can say that again.
But seriously,
we've got a good 'un here.
He's solid, our Reg.
But if you ever, ever
mess with my Babs,
I'll take you straight down,
make no mistake. You got that?
Steady on, Bananas.
No, no, it has to be said.
Best to get it out of the way now.
Now come on, son. Give us a hug!
- No, no, no, come on, that's enough!
- Reg Speaks! I salute you!
- To Reg and Babs!
- To Reg and Babs!
And here's to your first divorce!
Oi, oi! Less of that, all right?
But he doesn't have to roll
his eyes at every suggestion I make.
It's always this "I know better"
attitude whenever I deal with Andre.
At this rate, I'll get Reg to DJ,
assuming he recovers.
It's a chamber of booze
and methane in here.
I'm surprised
it hasn't killed the canary.
No idea.
He'll stuff it down him and it's always
the same. He never puts on any weight.
No idea how the jammy bastard does it.
It's so unfair.
Look, let me know if Andre is willing
to be more flexible with the music
otherwise we don't pay. Simple as that.
Exactly. See you later.
Oi! Stop squeezing my spots, yeah?
Knew that would wake you.
Just ease it on, Babs.
Good night, then?
Wish I had a tape of you banging on
about how you weren't gonna drink.
It's not the drink,
it's just a dirty kebab.
Yeah, right. Don't know why
you hang out with that lot.
You know what they'll get you into.
We didn't do anything.
It's just a dirty kebab.
Dirty kebab my arse, Reg Speaks.
All you had to do
was not accept the drinks.
I didn't want to let the side down.
You gonna lay in bed like that all day?
You know Andre
now wants to do a soundcheck?
What's a... What's a soundcheck?
He wants to check all the gear.
He says it takes three hours. It's gonna
cut right through the wedding.
It's just playing records, innit?
Well, you speak to him, then.
I can't deal with
that weasel-mouthed diva any more.
Every time I question something,
he just comes back at me
claiming he's a perfectionist.
Not now, yeah?
- What's that?
- Huh? What?
Oi! Cottrell wants to take you on.
About what?
You didn't invite him to the stag.
But, I-I didn't think
it was his thing.
You try telling that to Cottrell.
Gary said you wanted to see me.
So how long's it gonna take
to get that spare whatever you call it?
- Probably about ten days.
- Ten days?
Well, could be sooner if I can get
one of my colleagues to drop it over.
- Too busy to do it yourself?
- I'll be on my honeymoon then.
Honeymoon? Oh. Congratulations.
And what's the destination? Tenerife?
Uh, Lost John's Cave. Up in Lancs.
- The wife's got a thing about caves.
- Oh.
- Already calling her the wife?
- She's called me worse.
And what's the wife's name?
Her name's Babs. She works
at Ambrook's Razors, dispatch manager.
Ambrook's? Yeah, my sister used to
go out with a bloke from Ambrook's.
Really nice fella, too.
Oh, that, um...
that must be Phil Keeble.
Why? No one else nice at Ambrook's?
What's your fiance like?
She's all right, yeah.
How long have you been together?
Fourteen, fifteen years.
Something like that.
Why get married now?
I dunno. It's just always been Babs.
You've never been out with anyone else?
- No.
- Never tempted?
Not really. It's just Babs.
You're telling me
you never ever get tempted?
You never even look at another woman
walking down the street?
I can see there's also a problem with the
way the belt rides over the pump pulley.
Small-talk time's up, then?
I've got Mrs Beckley
up the road at five.
Really?
What's your name, young sir?
Uh, Reg Speaks.
Reg Speaks.
My ex-husband used to say
he never looked at other women.
He's probably selling the same lie
to his new wife as we speak.
What I'd give to know what goes on
in the male mind.
Any thoughts?
It doesn't ride properly
over the transmission drive.
All that tension on the belt
is creating havoc with the washers
on the clutch shaft.
The transmission mounting bolts
have come loose,
which might have been
affecting the washer.
The clutch assembly seems to have lost
connection with the low-speed solenoid,
but I can check the motor wiring
at the transmission block.
The agitator hub seems to be intact
along with the transmission shaft,
but the plungers are no longer fitting
into the wigwags.
If you let me have a look
at the wigwag terminals,
I can be more specific
about the problem,
but looking at it now,
I can see the wigwag drive shaft
is no longer working...
Why did you invite Chris Dale
to the wedding?
Not now.
In other words,
yet another pointless guest of yours.
- He taught me judo.
- Yeah, when you were 17
and even then you legged it when
Roj Lines wanted your dinner money!
Half the people on that list never
bothered to invite us to their weddings.
And you can definitely
drop Greg and Tina.
- Why?
- Because they invited themselves!
Other thing with them is
that opens the door to Dave and Sarah,
Justin and Linda, Nick and Charlie,
and Adrian and Russ.
Invite Greg and Tina
and you automatically
have to invite those jokers as well.
Nip it in the bud.
- Are you listening?
- Yes!
Look.
What do you think?
It's all right, yeah.
Wash the stink out
and it could be all right on me.
You like me in it?
Yeah. Maybe try it with some tights.
Why?
I dunno. It's a bit nippy out there.
I've told you a million times,
they make my legs itch.
You don't need anything else with this.
It's fine by itself, look.
Where did Clipper get it from?
Some shop or other, I dunno.
It's a size 36.
How come you fit into it?
Yeah.
- You listening?
- I like it, yeah!
You don't get it, do you?
How comes you fit into a size 36?
Reg!
- Not the fleece!
- It stinks! Wear the other one.
Like a whisper
in an ocean, like a feather in a storm,
a dress of deduction finds its character
in a prism of retail abstraction.
See? It's a 38 and it's tight.
- Get a size up, then.
- So, you think it's tight?
No, I thought that's what you just said.
Bloody useless.
Villainy! Now the horrid repercussions
will abate your rank, madam!
You!
Over 45 minutes they had me
on hold and then the line goes dead.
That's my whole lunch break gone.
You could've had your sandwiches
while you were on hold.
How am I supposed to eat
if I'm all worked up like that?
I should've never gone
for that store card.
All that bloody hassle
just for a stupid free umbrella
which you ended up losing.
Even when I went in there
to try and cancel it,
the woman kept me waiting
for 30 minutes.
No apology, nothing.
Reg?
Reg? Reg, are you listening?
Reg?
Let me just try this on you.
See if it fits.
There, that'll keep you warm and cosy.
He's very patient, isn't he? Not like
most of the boys we get in here.
What's your name, young sir?
Reginald! Get a move on
or we're going to miss the badminton.
You need to ask Clipper
where he got it from.
Knowing him,
it's some second-hand shop.
What's that got to do with it?
Think about it! We both got
the same rash, we both wore the dress.
You never heard of scabies?
Reg? Reg!
What?
- You think we'll need a new one?
- Hopefully not. Let's see, yeah?
- What was wrong with it?
- Basket drive went bananas.
The basket drive?
Yeah, the basket drive.
Just went bananas.
And the spin tube bearings
are knackered.
I tried to check the clutch surface
for any damage
and found that the rivets were
rubbing up against the clutch pulley.
There's also the possibility
that the drain hose is kinked,
but I can put that into writing for you
after a more thorough inspection.
The clutch plate is no longer a plate
and the switch striker
is neither switching nor striking.
If I can get to the wigwag solenoid,
there is a chance I can find out
why the washer didn't drain.
The blocked pump isn't helping matters
and the agitator leaves me at a loss.
I can also see that the wigwag terminals
are not where they're supposed to be,
which leads me to the conclusion
that this washing machine
is dysfunctional...
- Oi! Cottrell's looking for you.
- What now?
One of your neighbours reported you.
Just tell me you didn't do it.
I had to, it was an emergency.
You know the rules, Reg!
You fix your own machine,
it still has to go through the books.
- I bought my own spare parts.
- And? Who paid for your training?
You've really let the side down,
do you know that?
Now get in there
before Cottrell takes me on as well.
I've had it with Andre.
If he vetoes one more song,
I'm gonna stick that turntable
up his miserable backside!
Where'd you learn
to talk like that?
Oh, it's easy for you to say. You're not
the one having to deal with him.
Every time I say no to something,
he just says, "Why? Why? Why?"
Maybe I can make
a compilation tape.
- Save us a bit of money too.
- You're joking, right?
Your record collection
wouldn't even get a flea jumping.
Ease it on, Babs.
I'm only trying to help.
What's this doing down here?
Sorry, I didn't see that there.
- What are you doing? They stay there.
- Why?
Now come in the kitchen you two.
I've got a cheesecake for you both.
Oh, lovely. Cheers, darling.
You're not worried?
- About what?
- That.
It's probably just
the washing powder we use.
- You don't think it's scabies?
- No.
- An allergy?
- No.
- Something venereal?
- You tell me.
- I haven't slept around.
- Me neither.
- Does that mean you love me, then?
- Yeah.
She's asphyxiated.
How can a dress asphyxiate it?
Well, how else did she die?
She's barely a year old.
- Could be carbon monoxide.
- We'd be dead then.
- Not if it's a small leak.
- You're scaring me now.
I'll come back
and take a look on my lunch break.
No way can you get home
and back in an hour.
Go off to work.
I'll look at it during lunch.
- If the flame turns orange, call me.
- Yeah, yeah.
What are you doing?
Uh... You're going to be late.
Go! Before Cottrell shoves a firework
up your backside.
Reg, go! I've got to do my hair.
Thanks for coming in, Reg.
When our neighbour heard
you were coming in for a loan,
- he wanted to pass on his greetings.
- Oh, who was that?
Mr Watlington,
your physics teacher.
Oh, right.
He also wanted to pass on
his apologies for hitting you so often.
It's OK.
It was a bit of
a Reg Speaks evening, in fact.
He kept telling us
about you at school,
and to tell you the truth,
he was sad to hear about your finances
when we showed him
your loan application.
Now, with that in mind, of course,
we'd love to consider
your thoughtful request.
But given that Staverton's kicked you out,
we're somewhat reluctant to sign it off.
What about here?
I heard there was a job going.
Sorry, that's taken, I'm afraid.
Though I did see a sign at Dentley and
Soper's saying they were looking for someone
in the male alliance
of clothing and costume.
No, no, but looking in the sense
- that one of the staff has disappeared.
- Oh.
They're just trying to find him.
They're not advertising a job.
Oh, silly me. It's my mistake.
Now, the only loan we can offer
is the deferred employment package.
DEP.
It's what we like to call
a motivational loan.
It helps our customers
get back on their feet
and back into the job market.
With that kind of interest rate?
That's just advisory.
Reg, Clive and I had someone over
from Staverton's a few years back
and we still think a lot about
how nicely he talked us through
the whole process of fixing our machine.
And we thought seeing as we'll be having
Reg Speaks in the room,
maybe he could do
something similar for us?
It would mean a lot to us, Reg.
But there's no machine here.
You could pretend there's one.
Nobody needs to know.
But I can't just...
Just try. Then we can look
at more favourable rates for you.
It'll be fun.
Um...
Plungers on old machines
tend to stop retracting,
which means a knock-on effect
with the washer.
A-Also the belt drive had come off.
The inlet valve might have been blocked,
but I can't verify that.
It s-seems...
It's OK. It's OK, Reg.
No one's forcing you.
If it helps. we could kick it off
in a role-play scenario.
Yeah. A lot of loan applicants
find our Tudor courtroom scenario
puts them at ease.
Clothes still needed washing then.
That's right.
What's the matter, Reg?
You spoke so clearly and nicely
when you first came in.
Oh, no, um, nothing.
I-I'm just a bit tender
these days, that's all.
How come?
Just a sleeping dream I had last night.
It's been on my mind all day.
Interesting.
We're here for you Reg. Sometimes
it can help to discuss these things.
Well, Babs, my fiance, was in labour.
I was late, so at that point,
the door was locked.
I tried to take on her pain
just to make her feel better.
I kept screaming
to show how much I cared,
but it just seemed to annoy everyone.
I kept knocking on the window
in the hope that they'd let me in.
The baby came out of Babs in this dress
that looked exactly the same
as the one I wore
on my stag night at ZinZan's.
I wanted to wave at my little girl,
but she wasn't having it.
She made it clear
that I should sling my hook.
- What was her name?
- Babs Junior.
Interesting.
Reminds me of a dream Stash and I had
when we put the sand dunes in the wash.
Oh, yeah, that. Kept bypassing
the spin cycle, I remember now.
Was it an old machine?
No, no, it was brand new.
Wasn't it, Stash?
Yeah, very strange.
Did you check the belt
if it was broken or loose?
That could have been
the problem with it.
That's what we were wondering,
but maybe it was something else.
What do you think, Reg?
It's probably a problem with the wigwag
and its rotational pull.
Plungers on doors
sometimes don't align with the seal,
but the lid switch is often to blame.
The inner tub
might've sustained serious dents
resulting in the belt drive
loosening or coming off,
but that's usually a problem
with older machines.
The lid switch and its actuator,
the motor coupler or door lock assembly
are the first things to check when
a new machine bypasses the spin cycle.
The agitator drive shaft and spin tube
linked to the transmission
can come loose from the tub struts.
If the helix doesn't release the brake
and the belt tensioner
doesn't allow slippage...
Imagine,
trading will cease at a premature hour
on this, the twelfth day of sales.
There lie other boutiques
to your discernment.
But I'm in the store now.
You can't just turf me out.
Customer rules and all that.
You must conclude your perusal
immediately, then.
Excuse me? I've worked in retail.
Once the customer
steps through the door,
you see it through to the last.
That's what I had to do.
The doors you passed through
are doors in perpetual revolve
and thus not a veritable indication
of the time in which you thought
you might have set heel
in Dentley and Soper's
Trusted Department Store, mate.
You call those doors revolving?
Hm-hmm.
Listen, I'm here
to choose a dress, yeah?
Pick something up, try it on,
pay for it, and then leave you in peace.
By the time you've thought of another
excuse to get me out, I'll be done,
mate!
This dress. So shabby, so unkempt.
We have rules here about presentation,
about hygiene, about conduct.
A required pedigree of shopping
is an aspiration
we flowerfully seal to our hearts.
Please, return in a different dress
and we will welcome you back.
If you let me buy a new dress, I will.
Psst!
I now announce you extension time.
Congratulations.
I never thought I'd say this,
but you lot could all do with
a good shag.
Such an intimate document
of finesse and joy.
Nice to see a catalogue
with ladies bigger than me for once.
Pray tell, your measurements would be?
- Guess.
- Thirty-six.
- Really?
- Thirty-six.
You're not just saying that?
Thirty-six.
Thirty-six. I had a sleeping dream
I was a size thirty-six.
And I went out with my friends
to ZinZan's to celebrate,
but it wasn't ZinZan's.
It was here.
That was where it was.
It was in this room
and in this catalogue.
Every image was of me in this slip
getting skinnier and skinnier,
but the measurements written next to me
were getting bigger and bigger.
I rang the staff bell for assistance.
Two ladies came to my aid and told me
to put my head between my knees
whilst they tried
to correct the catalogue.
36, 38.
36, 38.
36, 38.
36, 38.
36, 38.
36, 38.
And then they buried me.
Here in this Trusted Department Store.
And then they buried me.
Your changing room is waiting for you
and your dress to coalesce
into a simple union of wonder.
Attention, consumers.
Attention, consumers.
Your shopping will conclude now.
Pay us for your items
and return to your houses.
Thank you very much. Goodbye.
- Goodbye to you too, dear Audrey.
- Fantastic.
There will be this asphodel blouse
and a pair of those funeral stockings.
Instantly!
Excuse me, I was here first.
No, you weren't.
Going through that tray doesn't give you
the right to bypass the queue.
You came here after me.
No, I didn't. Now if you don't mind...
Such fascination of marvel.
Its touch to the skin,
its contour on the body.
I will be served first.
There'll be this cinnamon bra.
Thank you very much.
Ladies!
Hey!
Blame! Blame!
Blame! Blame!
A dramatic affliction
has compromised
our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
A dramatic affliction has compromised
our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
A dramatic affliction has compromised
our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
A dramatic affliction has compromised
our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
A dramatic affliction
has compromised
our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
A dramatic affliction
has compromised
our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.
A dramatic affliction
has compromised
our Trusted Department Store.
Get out graciously.