1
[opera music]
WOMAN: I'm...
making a film...
about me...
and my feelings for you.
[opera music continues]
I'm still not over you.
And I wanna figure out
why that is,
and how it got to this point.
But it's gonna be fun.
[film reel whirring]
I'm Ann Lupo. I am a...
filmmaker.
MAN: What do you hope
to find with us?
I hope to find...
that I can change.
Yeah.
[camera shutter clicking]
[door creaking]
[dreamy music]
ANN: This was me
three years ago.
I was 23 years old...
and most of the time,
I was lost in...
one of many fantasies.
And almost all of them
were about falling in love.
[country music]
ANN: There's this...
narrative, or maybe truth...
it doesn't, I don't know,
to be in love with someone,
and for them
to be in love with you
is one of
the holiest experiences
you can have on this Earth.
I'm so happy
That you found me
And with your arms around me
It's a happy wonderful world
ANN: The movies
that have written
people's mental paradigms
about love.
They are heightened.
['60s pop music]
ANN: And then if you believe
that it's something
that you should be a part of,
because it seems like
a really fun thing.
['60s pop music]
ANN: I was just looking
to not be single anymore.
I wanted to have someone
to do all the things
that people in couples do with.
But it didn't really matter
who that person was.
I could practically fall in love
with anyone.
[romantic music]
[romantic music continues]
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
I love you.
So, yeah, I was pretty confused
about how love works.
But you know, there's a lot
of misinformation out there.
[laughing]
[both laughing]
[bell ringing]
Umm...
[door opens]
[background chatter]
ANN: So, I worked
for this incredible couple.
They run a business together,
making videos and commercials,
and...
WOMAN 1: Now, they're engaged!
Oh, my god!
ANN: Congratulations.
WOMAN 1: I can't believe it.
My little sister's engaged.
MIGUEL: Hey, Ann.
BOTH: Dude.
Yes.
WOMAN 1: Incredible man.
[sighs]
Aww.
RACHEL: Was it incredible?
Yes, Rachel.
RACHEL: Oh, okay.
Right.
DENNIS: How did you, uh,
pop the question?
MIGUEL: Oh, my god.
So, listen to this.
I spent three months.
He created a scavenger hunt
around the entire city.
What?
Around all the places
we've been to when we were
in a relationship,
and he set up videos and little
riddles for me to solve.
Guess it was perfect?
[all laughing]
Right?
Yes, yes, yes.
The birds...
[laughs]
...they were just like,
right on cue.
DENNIS: Wow.
Just like...
[Rachel laughing]
It was just so special.
The trees were swaying like...
[inhales]
...background dancers.
Yeah.
It was beautiful.
And then, there was like a...
And then, and then, and then...
[whispers]
Can you film us?
And then, at the end
of that whole thing,
I was waiting for her
outside of 126 St. Mark's Place,
where we first met.
Aww.
MIGUEL: And I got down
on one knee...
I wanna do it.
[Adrienne chuckles]
MIGUEL: Adrienne.
Mm-hmm?
Will you marry me?
And she said, "Yes."
[all laughing]
MAN 1: Aww, this is great.
[smooching]
Love becomes marriage.
Oh, okay.
Marriage becomes vows.
Vows last...
a lifetime.
Tears...
forever...
is...
now.
He expressed it.
RACHEL: Whoo.
BOTH: Wow.
[claps]
Hey, that was awesome.
ANN: That was really good.
MIGUEL: Oh, yeah.
[overlapping chatter]
RACHEL: Oh, I'm so proud
of you guys.
DENNIS: Congratulations, you two.
[all laughing]
Congratulations.
Have a good day
writing poetry, dude.
ADRIENNE: Are you serious?
My videos get way more views
than yours.
MIGUEL: I think we
should take the day off.
ADRIENNE: Oh, but we have about...
that deck with the presentation
that's due on Friday.
That deck. Are you telling me
we can't work on that deck...
from bed?
Oh.
Mm.
Oh, you know I can work
on that deck
from anywhere in the apartment.
[giggles]
[chuckles]
[kisses]
Oh, sorry. I can hear you.
Oh, Ann.
Um, you can hold down
the fort here, right?
ANN: Yeah.
Oh, god, what?
ANN: It's nothing.
It's nothing. Seriously...
What am I forgetting?
We were... we were going to...
Have our meeting today.
ANN: Yes, but...
About the script.
It's fine.
Okay, I read it last night
and it's actually pretty bad,
so I don't...
I don't wanna share with you.
[chuckles]
So no worries.
Ann. Ann, Ann, Ann.
We don't have to do the meeting.
I seriously wanna read
your script.
And I will stay here
and I will do that today...
because that's the kind
of boss I am.
Thank you so much,
but seriously, go. Have fun.
Yeah.
Really?
ANN: Yeah. Go.
Okay.
MIGUEL: Hey, why don't you use
the studio for yourself today?
Okay.
MIGUEL: Use all the equipment.
MIGUEL: Use whatever you want.
Maybe I will.
Bring your friends.
[Adrienne chuckles]
ADRIENNE: Yeah, and
tomorrow, I promise,
we will resume
professional work but...
[giggles]
...you know.
Oh, download this card
Okay, bye.
When you get a chance, please.
MIGUEL: Thanks.
Bye.
ADRIENNE: Okay.
[Miguel speaking indistinctly]
[sighs deeply]
[beeps]
[keyboard clacking]
[calm music]
[keyboard clacking]
[inaudible chatter]
[static]
[audience cheering]
EMCEE: It's What's the Problem?
With your host,
Andy Pincers!
Thank you for joining us.
I'm Andy Pincers.
And welcome back yet again
to What's the Problem?
Where we shame young women
who are not living up
to their full potential.
[bell dings]
Let's say hello
to our contestants today.
Ann Lupo!
[crowd cheering]
[crowd applauding, whistles]
So, Ann, you've been on the show
quite a few times now.
Is that right?
Yeah, um, practically every day.
So you know the drill.
[lively music]
You want a relationship
that is the most epic, cosmic,
white sizzling hot,
bodice-ripping,
intellectually explosive,
emotionally supportive,
yadda yadda yadda,
love affair of our time.
Is that right?
Uh-huh.
But there's just
this one thing though.
This guy. I don't see him.
He's not here so...
what's the problem?
[audience laughing]
Well, I think if I...
[buzzer buzzes]
Oh, Ann, I'm sorry.
That is incorrect.
But I'll tell you
what the problem is.
The problem
is that enormous nose.
[audience laughing]
Those awkward chest hairs.
[audience groaning]
And that,
coarse Sicilian mustache.
[Andy shrieks]
Ooh, brutas!
And on the other hand,
folks, help me out here.
You're lazy!
AUDIENCE: You're lazy!
And you're probably
not even talented.
AUDIENCE: Probably
not even talented!
[bell dinging]
Oh.
[quirky music]
I am just getting word
that Ann believes
that if she can acquire
all of these things,
only then
will she be truly happy.
[guffaws]
Happiness.
ANDY: She wants to be happy!
[Andy laughing]
Which leads us
to our final round!
The Underlying Problem!
Now, Ann...
do you believe that you...
deserve all of this?
[timer ticking]
[bell dings]
That's correct!
And that's your problem!
[party poppers popping]
Now get back to work.
[cell phone ringing]
Hello?
LALLIE: Where are you?
Yeah, I'm...
getting on the subway
as we speak.
There was like a crazy delay
and I have to get out
at the other subway.
[lively music]
ANN: Welcome to Wife Night.
[laughter]
CHLOE: Okay, now, I will shout
it from the rooftops
that I love my IUD!
Yeah, I got the one that goes
into your arm
and I like...
I like never get my period.
You never get it ever?
Oh.
Never.
[pop music]
I started this book
on past-life regressions.
It's super far out
but I love it.
Is she speaking in tongues?
There are voices
that speak through her
about, like, energy fields
and higher dimensions.
ANN: This is Lallie.
We've been best friends
since we were born.
Have you thought about
what you want for your birthday?
No.
Would you like me
to get you an IUD?
No.
Would you like me to get you...
a Yoni Egg made of pure diamond.
Yeah.
Maybe Scott would like that.
Scott?
Like Scott "Scott"?
Like, two months ago Scott?
Yeah.
Are you guys still hooking up?
No. No, no, no.
Are you...
Yes, but no.
Dating?
No, no. We're just...
enjoying each other's company.
But I'm still
your primary partner, right?
In all my past lives
and all the lives
I have yet to live.
I will never love anyone
more than you.
Even if I come back as a turtle?
[gasps]
I will bejewel your shell.
Thank you.
[Lallie laughs]
[pops]
[imitates turtle grunting]
[both laugh]
SIENNA: Ann you're up.
Okay.
Oh.
The Nine of Swords.
MARQUITA: I know that card.
That some sexy,
sword-wielding man
about to storm into your life
and bang the shit out of you.
Cool.
Like Braveheart sex.
Can I haveEnglish Patient sex?
Silence!
[terrified grunt]
Oh.
This is a really serious card.
You are going to go through
a total, spiritual upheaval,
and you are gonna be
completely blindsided
by the consequences
of your actions.
Total obsession will drive you
to madness!
Okay.
[thunder rumbling]
[groans]
[cell phone beeps]
Or...
could also be
the sexy, sword-wielding man.
No phones during
a tarot reading.
Oh.
"Ms. Lupo,
can I see you tonight?
I'm still hard from last time."
It doesn't say that.
Might as well.
LALLIE: Uh, is that who
I think it is?
When did that happen?
We got back in touch.
LALLIE: As in?
We got back in... touch.
Isn't he mean to you?
No, he's hot.
And I'm horny. Let me live.
TIFFANY: Ann, have fun.
Be safe.
Go fuck your brains out.
Thank you.
ANN: And maybe it's not
just sex this time you know.
We keep coming back
to each other
and I think,
there is something there.
Okay.
I know what I'm doing.
[thunder rumbling]
When we start dating,
it'll be purely for sexual
and intellectual fulfillment,
and be totally unexclusive.
Like if you wanna sleep
with anyone else
or I wanna sleep
with anybody else.
That's fine.
No, no, no.
Back this up.
I don't wanna sleep
with anyone else.
[chuckles]
Yes, you do.
I just sort of subscribe
to this theory
that I can really have
whatever I want.
Without any consequence,
you know.
[beeping, hissing]
Uh...
So I kind of started,
like, dating,
like not even, not dating,
just hooking up with people.
Ah!
ANN: And that was like
the normal thing to do
as a young person.
Yeah, just playing the parts
of people having sex
that don't actually care
about each other.
Finally, it was like,
"Oh, my god.
Seriously, stop."
Take a couple of months.
Don't think about boys.
No, you are not allowed anymore.
You need a time out.
And maybe that will cure you
of whatever this is. Um...
[laughs]
[sighs]
[playful music]
ANN: And that's when
it dawned on me.
I am a strong, independent,
career-orientated woman,
and the very,
very last thing I need
is a fucking boyfriend.
So, I had sworn off men.
Get out my way
Just keep this shirt
'Less you got something to say
There was always that pressure,
especially from Aunt Doreen.
Are you seeing anyone special?
[sighs]
Did my mom put you up to this?
We're just trying to help, okay?
Have you tried any of the apps?
No. Not my thing.
What about joining a gym?
[Ann laughs]
I'm definitely not meeting
someone at the gym.
Grad school?
Oh.
Would you do church?
No, okay.
I don't even wanna be
in a relationship right now.
You don't have one
of those "fuck buddies", do you?
No.
What? It's fine, okay?
I don't need to be tied down
or committed to just one person
because there's so much
of the world left to explore.
And I'm really busy.
That is such
a bunch of bullshit.
[exhales]
Okay.
If you must know...
what I really want
is to be in love.
And to meet this person
in the most cosmic,
fantastic way
as if it were destiny.
And I'm gonna love him,
and he is going to love me.
And it's gonna be...
perfect.
Oh, Annie.
No, Annie.
Annie, no!
What?
[groans]
What?
DOREEN: I have to tell you
that man does not exist.
And if you keep waiting
around for him,
you're going to end up alone!
And believe me,
you do not want
to be alone at my age.
I've seen things.
Terrible things.
These thoughts become habits.
And the habits become your life.
DOREEN: Annie, look at Jason.
He thought he would find someone
by just waiting around.
But he waited too long.
And now he's 30.
I mean, what are you
even doing here?
We were gonna have lunch.
No, Annie, honey.
You have got to get out there!
ANN: Oh, right now?
Yup, yup, yup.
I'm...
Let's go.
I'm hungry.
[gasps]
Have... Have you met John?
ANN: No, who's John?
My friend Carol's son John.
Have I introduced you to him?
No, I don't...
Oh, honey,
you have to meet him.
[gasps]
I mean, you two have so much
in common like so much.
I can't... I can't believe
I didn't think of this before.
Oh, okay.
[laughs]
DOREEN: He is a sweet boy.
I mean, a genuinely good person.
And his father's a playwright.
Okay?
I will... I will e-mail
introduce you tonight.
ANN: Okay, but can you not
make it a date thing,
because I'm really not trying
to think about boys right now.
[car horn honking]
ANN: So she set us up.
I thought that
if I didn't dress up,
and I had a reason to leave
shortly after he arrived,
he would understand that
I was not interested in him.
I was not trying to impress him.
And I could meet a guy without
it having romantic connotations.
And we could just be friends.
Oh, fuck.
Sorry I was late.
Uh, were you waiting long?
Oh, no.
I was in the neighborhood.
What were you, uh, writing?
Nothing.
ANN: I sat across from him
and I was like,
"Whoa, I have the potential
to be...
incredibly attracted to you,
but I am not gonna do that."
JOHN: I like the shirt.
It's very like...
Marcel Marceau.
Oh.
Thank you.
JOHN: Yeah.
That's exactly what
I was going for.
I like yours, um...
It's very Steve
from Blue's Clues.
Wow.
I was just watching
the first season.
Oh, great. That's great.
WAITER: Can I get you
something to drink?
[chuckles]
Yeah.
[stammers]
Uh, what are you having?
I could see that
we just got each other,
and we could just go speeding
along in the conversation.
What were you doing?
JOHN: I was in Tibet.
Wow.
Yeah.
What... What's in Tibet?
There's many things,
a lot of yaks.
Tell me about your trip.
Oh, it was... No.
It was really boring.
I was just doing,
like, soul search.
Straight up.
Um... Wow.
Did you straight up
find this soul?
Cheers. The soul was sought.
Soul was not found.
No.
Oh, no, but it's okay.
We made progress.
JOHN: Okay.
You kind of know
where it might be?
No.
Maybe I should try Tibet.
You should try Tibet, exactly.
I may have seen your soul there.
He seems really nice.
And awkward and weird.
And I liked that.
ANN: The reoccurring
joke of the night
was that we were
the same person.
Finishing
each other's sentences.
"Oh, my god.
Do you think that way too?"
I see time like we're all
on this track-and-field track.
So we're like here-ish.
Yeah. Right now.
Thank you.
[laughs]
Yeah, we're here. Yeah, yeah.
Here, right? Here.
This is it...
There. I'm with you.
I'm on this track with you.
Cool.
Yes.
Cheers.
[glasses clink]
[romantic music]
[cell phone ringing]
Sorry about that.
Oh, it's okay.
Oh, shit. Did you say you had
to be somewhere at 8:00?
Yeah, what time is it?
It's like 7:57.
[gasps]
Oh, my god.
I'm so sorry. I have to go.
Oh, no, no, no. I got it.
Oh, no.
No, it's, uh...
[spoon clanks]
It's, uh...
It's okay.
It was really great to meet you.
Yeah. Great to meet you.
See you.
Bye.
ANN: I left the bar
that night thinking,
"Wow. What an amazing person."
I...
probably won't see him
ever again.
Like an hour later,
I had an e-mail from him.
"Hey, it was so nice
to meet you."
Like blah-blah.
Things that you say.
And I was like, "Okay."
If you wanna see someone again,
you send that e-mail.
Right?
[beeping]
[fireworks]
Do you have something
that you would like
to share with the class?
No.
ANN: Spit it out.
[Lallie chuckles]
Scott called me his girlfriend
the other day.
What?
[gasps]
Are you in love?
I... think so.
[Ann gasps]
[Lallie laughing]
Oh, my god.
What does it feel like?
Um...
a warm pair of wooly socks.
I don't know.
[grunts]
Like, uh...
carbonated brain.
Like, uh...
clear gust of mountain air.
Like, uh...
[inhales]
...cocoon of comfort.
Like the peace of the calm seas.
[chuckles]
I'm so happy for you.
[Lallie giggles]
[sighs]
Yeah.
Oh, and also, I got confirmation
that my piece will be featured
in a prestigious dance showcase.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yes!
That's incredible.
[laughter]
Oh, my goodness.
Yes, so that's...
Is that it? That's everything?
[gibbers]
[mumbles]
Yeah.
Yeah.
Thank you for sharing.
Yeah.
That's all.
So, you know that guy my aunt
set me up with the other day?
Yes.
Methinks he might be
a sweet boy.
[gasping]
A sweet boy.
The rarity of a sweet boy.
Mm-hm.
We'll see, though. We'll see.
LALLIE: "We'll see"?
ANN: Mm-hm.
Where that means
you like him, you like him!
[both cheering]
[humming]
ANN: So the second time
we hung out was a week later.
He invited me
to his friend's house party.
And the whole time,
I was making sure
that my behavior
was in no way flirtatious,
so that it would all have
to come from him.
[upbeat music]
ANN: Hello.
Can I help you?
What does it mean?
Oui?
Oui.
Mmm.
[pops]
ANN: Time to go home now.
That's...
[sighs]
...the responsible thing to do.
I think I'm gonna go home,
actually.
I have to be up early.
Oh, yeah, totally. Me too.
Where are you headed?
Uh, Bushwick.
Me too. I'll go with you.
So, we leave together.
I hadn't dressed for the cold,
but he had a jacket,
so he gave it to me,
and like, zipped it up.
[giggles]
He's like, so nice.
[playful music]
[train approaching]
ANN: Um... and then
we got on the subway.
A pretty empty car,
rocking back and forth.
His face was right here,
and it was getting
really close to mine,
and we were like
looking into each other's eyes.
Is this abnormal?
And then, he's like,
"Oh, I'll walk you home."
[tranquil music]
As we were rounding the corner,
talking to myself,
"What do you do
when you get to the door?"
It was like you can't...
kiss him. No way.
You have to just hug him.
So, we got to the door.
"This was so much fun.
Thanks for walking me home."
He just grabbed me
and kissed me.
[romantic music]
I'm a fool
It...
lasted a while
before I responded to it.
Holy shit, this is happening.
You like me.
Yes!
[giggles]
Party in my brain.
[chuckles]
[chuckling]
And then, um...
I wanna make this play
Oh, I know you're fading
Mmm, but stay
And then, I was like...
do you wanna come upstairs?
I wanna make this play
Oh, I know you're fading
So, he came upstairs,
we started hooking up,
but, it was...
fun.
He was cracking jokes.
Whoa, okay.
New animal to figure out here.
I suggested that we have sex.
So, we did.
MAN: How was it?
It was good.
Ooh, stay over
ANN: What if I...
felt like that?
But...
to him, this was...
just like any other sex
he's ever had.
And so, maybe...
to him, I was just like a girl
that he slept with.
ANN: But at that moment,
there was not a doubt in my mind
that we were starting
a relationship.
[phone buzzing]
Oh, my god. He just texted me.
[gasps]
What'd he say?
"Hey, Loops. How are you?
What are you up to
this weekend?"
Hmm, "Loops."
What should I say?
LALLIE: You should say,
[keypad clacking]
"I want you to go down on me
for the rest of the afternoon."
[keyboard ticking]
[upbeat music]
ANN: I got it.
"Hey. Me and my friend
are hanging out today,
but I'm free for the rest
of the weekend."
[laughs]
That's so boring.
And it should be
"My friend and I."
Fuck. I already sent it.
LALLIE: I think I know what
I wanna do for my birthday.
ANN: Oh, yeah?
I was thinking,
since it's my last year
of my mid-20s,
thought we could do like
a roaring 20s party.
Yes! That's a brilliant idea.
LALLIE: I'm brilliant.
Can I invite John?
[chuckles]
As long as he has a costume.
[sighs, whispers]
He's texting me.
Thank you.
Hey, asshole!
Ow!
[Lallie laughing]
[Lallie screams]
[upbeat music]
Welcome to her
Infinite Variety Show!
[scoffs]
While working
in my lab like, late...
While working in my lab
late one night,
I accidentally became
a prima ballerina.
[in British accent]
The other day,
I saw a man I liked,
and I went right up to him
I did so, and I said,
"I like you.
I really like you."
But he did not take so kindly
to my advances.
[yelps]
Oh, my god.
DENNIS: I'm sorry to disturb you.
I love that voice.
Thank you.
Keep up the good work.
Thanks.
Okay.
[upbeat music]
[in British accent]
Good day.
[car beeps]
[tires screech]
Jesus!
DRIVER: Hey!
He is texting me. God!
DRIVER: What the fuck?
[upbeat jazz music]
I need to be in an old city,
with ruins, and great poets,
and witches, you know?
Uh-huh.
[people chatting]
MAN: It's mainly mergers,
distress acquisitions.
We may be a small company,
but, my guys are sharks.
[door bell ringing]
I bet.
Excuse me.
[jazz music continues]
Oh, my god.
Is it too much?
No, it's perfect.
[both chuckle]
ANN: Hello.
[sighs]
ANN: Welcome.
Lallie, this is John.
Wow, Lallie. I've never heard
that name before.
Well, it's really Lauren...
[sputters]
...but don't call me that.
Okay, nice to meet you, Lallie.
JOHN: Happy birthday.
Oh, why thank you.
Thank you.
ANN: Scott, this is John.
Hey, man.
Really nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, are you guys ready
to dance?
JOHN: Oh, yes.
ANN: Yes.
Hey, everybody, everybody!
Let's Charleston.
[cork pops]
[people cheering]
[jazz music playing]
[jazz music continues]
ANN: Hmm, he s'
mores with precision.
[John chuckles]
I'm actually very good
at making s'mores,
because when my parents
got divorced,
my dad didn't know
what else to do with us,
so he took us
on all these camping trips,
to like, teach us how to be men
or something.
Hmm.
So...
[chuckles]
...great times.
Impressive work.
[smacks]
Yeah.
[chuckles]
In the same year,
I went through puberty,
my parents got divorced,
and 9/11 happened.
Oh...
So...
That is rough.
[sighs]
It's fine.
Hmm.
When my parents got divorced,
it was like...
Try it in a haiku.
Ooh, amazing idea. Okay.
There was an affair.
Same.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, my god.
Hashtag same person.
[chuckles]
Finish the poem.
Oh, okay.
Um...
I played a lot
of internet Scrabble.
[laughs]
Oh, no!
That is so sad.
Yeah, I did like a...
JOHN: That is...
Scrabble chat room
that I would do,
instead of homework.
No.
But yeah, it hit the spot.
I bet it did.
Okay.
Um...
That's too many syllables. Okay.
There was an affair.
Internet Scrabble saved me.
[chuckles]
Oh, no.
Everyone's fine now.
Mazel tov.
[soft jazz music playing]
You guys want this?
BOTH: Yes.
I constantly think about...
[coughs]
...how to avoid
fucking up my future children.
Me, too.
Right?
I'm like, we're living on a farm
reading by candlelight
together as a family.
Yes, a family.
ANN: Yes.
No electronics.
No.
Farm animals only.
Yes.
[John laughs]
Farm animals.
[laughs]
[chuckles]
[jazz music]
[people cheering]
[cheering continues]
[music continues]
[film reel whirring]
[drumroll]
NARRATOR: Imagivision presents,
Future Memories!
Here you are on your first trip
around the world.
It's adventurous. It's exciting.
You fight. You make love.
It's everything
you've ever wanted.
And here you are
on your wedding day.
Converting to Judaism
was a no-brainer.
RABBI: You may kiss the bride.
NARRATOR: You are very happy
with your decision.
[glass shatters]
CROWD: L'Chaim!
NARRATOR: And here you are,
accepting your first
joint Academy Award.
Remember to thank the Academy.
PHOTOGRAPHER: Over here!
[shutter clicks]
NARRATOR: My, how they sparkle
on the mantlepiece.
[bell dings]
[babies crying]
NARRATOR: And here you are
with your children.
Would you believe it?
Twins, a boy and a girl.
Coochie coochie coo!
And the grandchildren.
[child giggling]
NARRATOR: Thank God
they have his nose.
Ah, yes.
It's a truly magnificent life
you've manifested
for yourselves.
Oh, and here you are,
walking off into the sunset.
Still crazy
after all these years.
Future Memories!
Jumped on it, and it just
cracked completely through.
It was really funny.
JOHN: Hey, so,
we haven't really talked.
About what?
About us.
We've been hanging out
a lot, and...
things got weird,
and stuff happened.
I think you're so rad.
We get along really well, so...
I wanna keep hanging out
as friends.
Oh.
Yeah, I just wanted
to tell you now before...
'Cause I never wanna
lead anyone on or anything.
JOHN: Yeah, I just kind of
felt like going in this...
direction and I wanted to...
[camera shutter clicks]
...stop it
before things got weird.
[sighs]
I'm sorry
to leave you like this,
but I have to run
to this appointment in the city.
[film reeling]
Oh, yeah.
That's fine. Um...
Sorry, just to clarify,
you just wanna be friends?
Yes.
Yeah, we can be friends.
Cool, okay.
[chuckles]
Yeah.
Cool.
Uh...
Bye.
Bye.
[dramatic music]
[pen scratching]
[blade slashing]
[dramatic music]
[music continues]
I said to myself,
I can't be his friend,
just given how strongly
I feel for him.
If someone was giving me advice
right now, they would say,
"Don't be friends
with this person,
'cause it's gonna ultimately
hurt you a lot."
Yeah.
[sputters]
I can do that.
That's easy.
[dramatic music]
ANN: It was the only
thing on my mind, ever...
'cause I couldn't figure out
what happened,
so I just kept replaying it
over and over,
just thinking about
what I should have done,
what I should have said.
JOHN: I'm sorry to
leave you like this,
but I have to run
to this appointment in the city.
So, sorry, just to clarify,
you just wanna be friends?
Yes.
Actually, I don't think
I could be friends with you.
Oh.
[scoffs]
Yeah, I think it's best if
we don't see each other anymore.
Okay.
Damn, that's a... a bummer.
Yeah, it fucking sucks.
You think I wanna cut you out
of my life like a crazy person?
No?
No, of course not.
But I definitely
can't be friends with you
because I'm fucking in love
with you.
And you did lead me on.
You kissed me.
You had sex with me.
You always text me,
and now you wanna be friends?
Um, yeah.
MIGUEL: Ann, Ann.
Ooh. Jumpy today.
ANN: Sorry.
What's up?
Okay. Umm, I'm not mad, but...
Oh, god.
What you sent out last night
had a lot of mistakes.
I'm sorry. I'll fix it.
MIGUEL: It's okay, I'm not mad,
but on top of the mistakes,
it was...
just really uninspired.
You know, like, where's the...
Where are you?
I'm sorry,
I think I'm just really tired.
Can I get you some Adderall?
ADRIENNE: Miguel.
I'm just kidding.
I'm fine, thank you.
[stutters]
I'll just...
I'm gonna fix it tonight.
You know the drill, right?
Yeah.
Serve up that
special sauce, you know.
Fuck it up.
Make it weird.
Make them question everything.
Yeah, okay.
Sauce. Fucked up. Weird.
Weird questions, all right?
ANN: Got it.
MIGUEL: That's what
I like to hear.
Got it. Okay.
All right.
I will see you
on the flip side, Ann, and...
Hmm?
[kisses]
I'll see you at home, okay?
All right. Good luck.
MIGUEL: Call you right after.
ADRIENNE: Okay.
[retreating footsteps]
Hi.
Hi.
What's the matter?
It's really stupid.
I don't even wanna tell you.
[whispers]
What's up?
[Ann groans]
There's this guy...
[Adrienne chuckles]
Oh, okay.
So, I started talking about it,
and she was like,
"That's...
exactly what happened..."
With me and Miguel.
What?
Yeah.
Well...
[static noise]
ADRIENNE: So, it was 2005,
I just moved to the city
from this small town
in Northern California.
I was 22 and I didn't know
anyone in New York.
So, I'm fresh off this bus,
waiting in the rain,
when this random dude,
and of course,
he totally forgot I was coming.
And so, I met Miguel
because I moved into
his apartment.
And I remember when I met him,
I thought he was
really handsome.
He looked like a leading man.
All right, well,
welcome to New York.
MIGUEL: Oh.
ADRIENNE: And this is basically
like a one-bedroom apartment
in the East Village,
that was turned
into a two-bedroom,
and three dudes
had been living there
before I moved in,
so there was shit
all over the place.
It was a mess,
but it didn't matter.
Until I decided...
How do you like it?
ADRIENNE: Yes.
I definitely need to live here.
[upbeat music]
ADRIENNE: We just,
sort of became buddies,
or partners,
operating in this little team.
We just did everything together.
We'd troll the East Village
every night.
Drank and played pool.
That's what we did.
We would wait up
for each other late at night.
If the other had to work,
meet back up
at two in the morning,
and talk for a little while.
I mean, we literally
were comparing scars.
After about maybe six months
into knowing him,
I thought, "This is very clearly
what happens
when two people
like each other."
There's a force field around us
when we talk to each other.
There's an electricity.
So, I said something to him.
"It seems like you like me.
And I like you.
And maybe we should..."
Dot, dot, dot.
I just don't, uh...
I don't know
what to say to that.
I mean, that's really cool.
ADRIENNE: And then,
I was really embarrassed.
I, I thought,
"Oh, my god.
I've completely misread
this whole situation."
And I normally don't do that.
Like, I normally really trust
my judgement.
So, I backed away.
And said like,
"Okay. No problem."
And immediately he was fine,
and so I thought,
"Well, if he's fine."
Then I'm fine, then we went
back to being friends.
Oh, yeah
[indistinct singing]
[Adrienne chuckles]
Where are you going?
Audition.
Where are you going?
[door latch clatters]
ADRIENNE: But it just felt like
there was something amiss.
Like, there's something
not quite right.
And, after about
another six months,
I said it again.
"Not to be a weirdo nag,
or anything, but,
I kinda feel like...
We spend every night together,
and I think maybe
we like each other."
And it was the same thing again.
He was like, "No. I don't...
Not, not like that,
but you are my best friend."
We probably had
this conversation
about four or five times.
The first time,
I was embarrassed.
The second time,
I was like, "Really?"
And then by third, I was like,
"This is fucked up."
This went on
for three and a half years.
So, I finally decided to just
get myself out
of this situation.
Because at that point,
it was detrimental to me.
So I said,
"I'm going to move out.
And when I move out,
I'm not gonna hang out
with you anymore.
You make me feel bad
about myself.
And it makes me feel like
I'm an unlovable person."
And he was like,
"I can't bear to see you go."
And I was like,
"I can't bear to go,
but, I must."
[chuckles]
ADRIENNE: And then I moved out.
About three weeks later,
he said,
"Let's go get a drink."
And I was like, "No,
I don't wanna get
a drink with you."
And he said,
"Please. Get a drink with me."
"Okay, fine."
So, we go to this bar
on the Lower East Side.
I'm just on edge the whole time
like, prickly nervous.
[light music]
ADRIENNE: And then he tells me
that he's in love with me.
And he has been, for a while.
I was so floored,
because that's exactly
what I wanted him to say,
but I never thought
he'd actually ever
actually say it.
So, my first reaction was...
"You fucker!
Why did you make me
go through all that?"
And we had this weird,
lengthy, heated conversation
that I can't remember at all,
because I was in shock.
I think we both kinda felt like,
"This is it."
And... We made it.
[whimsical music]
ANN: Okay.
This is the same situation.
He loves me and he just
doesn't know it, yet.
We're just
gonna keep hanging out
and, uh, he'll figure it out.
[inhales sharply]
[retreating footsteps]
ADRIENNE: All right.
[exhales sharply]
Don't forget to lock up.
ANN: Okay, bye.
Bye.
[Ann sighs]
[phone chimes]
Fuck! Fuck.
Oh, my god.
[phone rings out]
Hey, where are you?
Hi.
I am so sorry.
ANN: I, I just got completely
sucked into something at work.
[stutters]
It's fine.
ANN: I'm so sorry.
This is inexcusable.
Um, how did it go?
How did it go?
It was great.
Um, actually, I have to go.
I'm just glad you're okay.
Okay, well.
I'm so sorry again.
Bye.
ANN: I'll talk to you soon.
[exhales deeply]
[phone thuds]
[sighs]
[dreamy music]
[rasping]
[drumroll]
[Ann echoing]
He loves me.
He just doesn't know it, yet.
[overlapping voices]
Hey!
Hey.
How are you?
JOHN: Good, how are you?
What did you do today?
I just got back.
I had to get out of this...
Kind of a huge secret
I've never told anyone before.
Okay, so, whisper it.
JOHN: I wanna try
doing stand-up.
[thuds]
Are you kidding?
I have been writing a bit
in my head,
for months.
Wait, can we like,
actually do this?
Yes, okay.
When are you free?
Let's plan it out right now.
JOHN: I think the 30th.
ANN: That is the perfect day.
BOTH: ...shoot.
You go.
Fuck! Okay.
[John chuckles]
Um...
No, can you go first?
JOHN: No, you got this.
ANN: Can we just watch
another stand-up special?
No. Go!
ANN: Okay.
JOHN: I still can't believe
we did that.
ANN: I know!
JOHN: It felt so good
to feel, like, nervous again
and scared.
We are the coolest people
I know.
We are.
[John groans]
Okay, so,
what are we gonna do next?
Hmm.
I always wanted to do like,
a modern,
expressionist dance class.
Wait, I just took one,
last week.
Weird.
[both panting]
[laughing]
[upbeat music]
[exhales deeply]
[buzzing]
JOHN: I wanna keep hanging out
as friends.
ANN: We never kissed again,
we never hooked up again.
And things started to get
pretty fucked up in my head.
[sighs deeply]
What?
Nothing.
[phone chimes]
So, uh...
John asked me to do a project
with him, last night.
Which I think
is a really good sign because...
But then it's like,
"What does that mean?"
Can I...
And then there was
this other moment, I'm sorry.
Okay.
There's this other moment
last night, where his foot
was touching my leg,
and he was seal flipper-ing me.
Like just his foot
was just grazing my leg,
and of course,
I wasn't gonna make a move,
and neither was he.
'Cause, I think he's scared
of his own feelings, you know?
Why do you
still hang out with him?
Because I like hanging out
with him.
Don't you think
it's a little masochistic?
No, I fully have accepted
and understand
that he doesn't want to be
in a relationship right now.
And that's fine,
because we're friends.
For now.
Mm.
And anyway,
like you're always with Scott.
So, it's like.
[exhales sharply]
Where is everyone?
They said it was too far
to come into Manhattan.
Ha!
MARQUITA: So, Ann.
What's up with you?
I'm starting
a project with John.
[clears throat loudly]
He has this idea
and, um, I thought it was cool,
so I said yes.
MARQUITA: Wait.
You're still hanging out
with John?
Thank you.
Yeah.
TIFFANY: Ann.
Baby girl.
[chuckles]
No, no, no. I don't think
this is a good idea.
Why not?
Because you still like him.
ANN: Yeah, but it's not
like that, we're just...
working on a project together.
MARQUITA: Ann.
Ann.
Think about it.
[exhales sharply]
[inhales]
[foreboding music]
Good evening, I'm Andy Pincers,
and welcome back
to What's The Problem?
Tonight, we bring you
some exclusive interviews
with some very special guests.
So, Lallie, tell us.
What is Ann's problem?
Andy, we've been over this.
It's that she's
repulsively naive.
[audience laughs]
Repulsive.
[sizzles]
JOHN: Penis?
[both laughing]
I don't believe you.
No, seriously.
I don't ever, truly,
honestly never watched porn.
I don't.
JOHN: Wait, so.
Truly, honestly,
how do you like?
ANN: Um...
I kind of just think about like,
what it's like to be in love.
Oh. Interesting.
Goddamn it, Ann.
Yeah. Um...
[static noise]
Tiffany, what do you think
the problem is?
She pours out all of her power
to fill him up.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Would you mind
doing me a huge favor?
Yeah, anything. What's up?
[static noise]
It's irresponsible.
Hm.
[static noise]
[laughing]
[indistinct chanting]
[phone buzzes]
Oh, hey. Actually I, um...
I have to go let my roommate in.
Oh.
Um...
Okay.
Yeah, but I'll see you...
Yeah, I'll be back.
Yeah. Okay.
Cool, see you.
Bye.
[static noise]
What do you think
the problem is?
She's completely, Mm-hmm.
And totally,
ANDY: Mm-hmm.
Deluded.
Mm.
My brain had
just stopped working.
Okay. So, I only have access...
[clacking]
ANN: ...I told you
to do that everyday.
[indistinct chatter]
[machine clattering]
[sighs]
[paper rustles]
I'm sorry, honey,
but you're emotionally bankrupt.
[nail file rasping]
[sighs deeply]
[indistinct radio chatter]
TIFFANY: All you have to do
is say,
"If you don't want to be with me
then it's your loss."
MARQUITA: You can do
so much better.
Yeah, you deserve someone
who actually cares about you.
MARQUITA: You know what?
Call him.
LALLIE: Mm.
No.
MARQUITA: Right now.
[sighs deeply]
Ann.
ALL: Come on, go.
ANN: Okay.
Oh, my...
[door creaks open]
[Ann sniffles]
[door shuts]
[Ann sighs]
[breathes deeply]
[phone rings out]
JOHN: Hiya, Loops.
How's it going?
ANN: Hey, how are you?
JOHN: I'm good, I'm good.
I'm just packing up
for that trip in the Galpagos.
There's all these last minute
thing to do, um...
ANN: No.
JOHN: What's up with you?
ANN: Um. Not too much.
JOHN: Okay.
ANN: Okay.
Um, awkward conversation
approaching.
JOHN: Oh, great. I love those.
ANN: You ready?
JOHN: Yup.
Okay.
Do you know
that I still like you?
Like, is that within
your awareness?
JOHN: Uh-huh.
Yeah, sometimes
I am aware of it.
ANN: We, we hang out so much,
and sometimes the things
that you say,
and like the stuff
that we do together,
just makes me think...
[Ann exhales deeply]
...that you like me.
And I'm just
really confused, so...
I wanted to talk to you
about that.
JOHN: Well, I really like
hanging out with you,
and we have
so much fun together.
I just like being your friend,
because you're so cool
and you're so rad.
Uh, not helping.
Um...
Okay, how about this?
I need you to just say out loud,
that you don't like me that way.
Or else, I won't believe you.
JOHN: Do you want me
to say that?
Yeah.
JOHN: Okay, um...
Ann, I don't...
like you that way.
I don't share
the same feelings that you do.
But I really like you
as a friend.
Okay.
JOHN: Okay.
I don't that we should
hang out any more.
JOHN: No, we don't
have to do this.
It'll be such a bummer.
Yeah, you've said that before.
JOHN: Well, I mean it.
Okay.
JOHN: Look, can we just talk
Um, I have to go.
About this, when I get back.
JOHN: Ann?
Are you there?
Okay.
JOHN: Ann?
Bye.
[clinking]
[liquid trickling]
[fire crackles]
[exhales deeply]
ANDY: John.
It's so great to have you
on the show.
Thank you so much again,
for joining us.
Thank you for having me.
Cameras are off.
Oh?
Come on, you can tell me.
What was the problem?
[ice clinks]
Well, what it really
came down to was...
I just wasn't attracted to her.
Bah!
[Andy exhales]
Now, that's a problem.
Um, and then there was
the nose, of course.
Terrible, the worst.
She was so clingy,
she just wasn't someone
I wanna start
a relationship with.
No, no, no.
You don't need that.
I just wish she would stop.
Let me tell you.
She's on my show every day,
and I hate her.
Mm.
I know you got more.
[groans]
And then, uh...
[overlapping chatter]
[chatter continues]
[sighs]
It just doesn't make any sense.
I feel like he's just lying
to himself.
[Lallie scoffs]
What?
Ann.
Wake up.
It has been an entire year.
And it never even came close
to a relationship.
And since, okay,
no one else will tell you,
you're being crazy,
like actually out of your mind.
Well, maybe if you weren't
hanging out with Scott
all the time,
you'd have
a better understanding
of how much pain
I'm in right now.
Listen to yourself!
I'm telling you
that I'm having a hard time,
and you're just abandoning me.
There is more to life
than stupid boys,
and stupid love, Ann.
Have you even read
the news lately?
I don't hang out with you
because you suck to be around.
LALLIE: You suck my energy.
I'm just this pot,
that you dump
all your emotional shit into.
And I'm sick of it!
Figure your shit out.
[door slams]
[sighs]
[rasping]
[Ann groans]
[oven clangs]
[sighs deeply]
[calm music playing]
You
You and
You and I
You and
You and I
[static]
Fuck.
Shit.
No.
[sighs]
[door slams]
[sighs deeply]
[groans]
[phone buzzes]
DANGER: Miss Lupo.
[alarm beeping]
DANGER: I'm here tonight
and gone tomorrow.
I have a bottle of red wine
that we can pretend to share
while we instead make love on
every surface of my apartment.
[retreating footsteps]
[rasping]
[dramatic music]
[elevator whirrs]
[door lock clicks]
Hey.
[both breathe heavily]
[smooches]
Hi.
Hey.
ANN: It's good to see you.
DANGER: Right.
ANN: It's been a while.
DANGER: I know.
[heavy footsteps]
[wine trickling]
ANN: Where were you?
DANGER: Everywhere.
[glass thuds]
ANN: Um...
Western hemisphere?
Eastern hemisphere?
[Danger chuckles]
[clicks tongue]
DANGER: I was in Frankfurt.
ANN: Ah, yes. Frankfurt.
So, what was in Frankfurt?
DANGER: Work.
Just work?
DANGER: Just work.
[glass thuds]
ANN: Where are you
going tomorrow?
LA.
What's in LA?
Work.
[smooches]
[smooching continues]
[both groan]
[both panting]
ANN: Slow down.
[both grunt]
ANN: Wait, do the...
[thwacks]
[Ann gasps]
[Danger grunting]
[retreating footsteps]
[distant siren blares]
[distant rumbling]
[indistinct chatter]
[chatter continues in distance]
[train rumbles]
[rumbling continues]
[whirring]
[loud rumble]
[low rumbling]
[Ann inhales deeply]
[exhales sharply]
[labored breathing]
[ominous music]
[sniffles]
[sobs]
[sobbing continues]
[inhales deeply]
[static]
[static continues]
ANN: So, I've been thinking
a lot about myself recently.
Searching for every flaw
I could find.
My god.
ANN: But the only place
these flaws ever really existed,
was in...
my mind.
So, they don't define me.
I define me.
So you fucked up
So what? So, you got fucked
Ooh
So what
Do you really think
That you're the only one
Who dreams of love
And romance
But then settles
For the nonsense
Of somebody else's
Idea of fun
You'll try to change,
But don't
You'll get in your way
So don't
No
You could never change
You're who you're mean to be
So knockers up
And let's get cracking
Honey, there's nothing
That you're lacking
And besides
This is not about him
This is about you and me
[women giggling]
[upbeat music playing]
In reality
Reality's a fickle thing
That tends to happen
In between
In all that we do
And that we dream
Don't ever
Let it bring you down
Or convince you
To your dreams, to lie
You risked a lot
When you believed
But more if you don't try
In reality
The love you have
Is all you need
And it's a coursing river
It's an endless sea
Don't hold it back
Don't hold it back
You will break free
It's time
You started listening
To the best girl in you
That's me, and I say
Move on
You want love
Like, real love
Cosmic love
Ground shaking,
Earth quaking
Fantastic, orgasmic
Paul Newman
Eat your heart out
Oh, baby, it's out there
Let me tell you
But what's really
More important is this
In reality
There's no one else
You have please
No one is more you than you
And I am you
And you are me
Don't hold it back
You will break free
What you want
You already have
In reality
[rasping]
[birds chirping]
[traffic noise]
[inhales deeply]
[exhales deeply]
[sighs]
Morning.
ANN: Morning.
How you doing?
ANN: I'm okay.
[birds fluttering]
I'm sorry I've sucked lately.
I'm sorry I was mean.
I was never really happy
for you and Scott.
[Lallie scoffs]
I know.
I judged you hard
on the whole John thing.
Are we even?
LALLIE: We don't have
to keep score.
ANN: Hmm.
How is Scott?
[sighs]
We broke up.
What? When?
Same day we were mean.
[inhales deeply]
Ah...
What happened?
[sighs deeply]
He just said he wanted
to be free.
And you can't argue
with that, right?
[scoffs]
I'm sorry.
[Lallie sniffles]
[sighs deeply]
Well, being
that I am the only certified
wedding planner in the room.
[Adrienne scoffs]
I think...
MIGUEL: Look at this face,
that's joy
from being able to dance
to good music.
Okay, we need...
Knock, knock.
Hey, how are you?
Hi, Miguel.
How are you?
Dude, I haven't seen you
in forever, how's it going?
ANN: Hi.
[smooches]
ANN: Hi.
ADRIENNE: Hello.
Oh, Ann, maybe you can help us
end this debate.
Ann, what's more important?
A great band.
Or...
Gold calligraphy
on weighted card stock.
[Ann giggles]
Look at it, it's beautiful.
Well, that is
also really beautiful.
RACHEL: And inviting.
Yeah.
And it doesn't look like a bill.
No.
It looks like something
special for you.
ANN: Yeah, but...
Your decision.
Thank you. And you know,
you and I can take
calligraphy classes
and we can do this ourselves.
MIGUEL: I love that.
Yeah.
I support and encourage
that hobby.
I might join you on that.
Let me know.
MIGUEL: Ann.
All right.
What do we need,
what are we talking about?
It's pretty. We can.
It will look good.
All right, what's up?
Okay.
I'm ready to start
my project now.
Ooh, did you send me the script?
Nope. This is a brand-new idea.
It doesn't have a script yet.
MIGUEL: Cool.
Yeah.
So, how can I help?
I need you to interview me.
[approaching footsteps]
[microphone rasping]
MIGUEL: There we go.
It's too far?
ADRIENNE: Yeah.
MIGUEL: Okay.
All right, um...
ANN: I'm...
making a film...
about me...
and my feelings for you.
And how, even though
it's been a year,
and you've been
very clear with me,
your feelings,
I'm still not over you.
And I wanna figure out
why that is, and,
and how I got to this point.
So.
[clicks tongue]
I don't know what form
it's gonna take, yet.
ANN: But I just wanted
to let you know.
Before I got too far
along with it.
Oh, huh.
[laughs]
Thank you for letting me know.
But it's gonna be fun,
it's gonna be very much
a self-investigation.
Yeah, well...
I'm sorry that...
ANN: It's okay.
I get it, I think.
Or at least,
I hopefully will soon.
Are you okay?
Yeah.
Okay.
[rasping]
[upbeat music]
[rasping]
[rasping continues]
[paper rustling]
[dramatic music]
[indistinct chatter]
[laughter]
[keyboard clacking]
[phone chimes]
[tranquil music]
[tranquil music continues]
[door creaks]
[both gasp]
ANN: You look lovely, darling.
Well, as do you...
my lady.
[Lallie laughs]
LALLIE: Couple Miguel...
ANN: And Adrienne.
My bosses, who I love so much.
Oh, ladies.
I wanna fuck you both!
[chuckles]
How dare you
MAN: Whoa!
Disrespect us like that!
Yeah, shame on you!
Oh, you're crazy.
ANN: We will castrate you!
LALLIE: You better run!
[hisses]
[both laughing]
ANN: In all my past lives,
and the lives
that I have yet to live,
I will never love anyone
as much as I love you.
Even if I come back as a goat?
[gasps]
Especially if you come back
as a goat.
I will braid your beard.
Oh, why thank you.
[imitates goat]
No.
That's it, right?
[Ann yodels]
[Lallie laughs]
[light music]
Darling
Take in
In my heart it is written
Miguel.
[chuckles]
I vow to be your colleague.
Your champion.
Your confidant.
Your goofball.
And your queen.
ADRIENNE:
Through thick and thin.
Through good times and bad.
For richer or for poorer.
As long as we both shall live.
As long as we both shall live.
[both laugh]
[crowd applauding, cheering]
[applause continues]
As many of you know,
I was, uh...
jilted.
[laughs]
[Rachel groans]
Uh.
It happens, and I'm sure
you might think I may be a bit
triggered by this...
situation.
Celebration.
Two trees.
Planted next to each other.
Growth, through life.
Cells dividing,
expanding, creating more.
Consciousness.
Adrienne...
you never needed
anyone to complete you.
RACHEL: And Miguel,
you make her more complete.
You know, I wish I knew
what that felt like.
[chuckles]
Well, she did hook up with...
Two trees.
Planted next to each other.
[Rachel whimpers]
Cheers.
Cheers.
Love you, Rach.
You are the trees.
Cheers.
You're the tree too, man.
Come for me, close
Take all of me
Yours is the only
Love
I need
Darling
Kiss me
In my heart, I'm singing
Softly
And I always will
I belong
To you
[film reel clatters]
[upbeat music]