1
[SKATEBOARD SHUFFLING]
MAN: It's Thursday.
I've been out here for...
120-Something hours.
I'm out of water.
And I don't know
how much longer.
I'm going to be here.
So this is a message
for my family.
Mom and dad, I love you.
I did my best.
Marie...
I wanted to be there
for your graduation.
So just think of me, please.
[GASPING]
Come on.
[GASPING]
Hey, how you doin'?
Hello.
Hello?!
What the fuck?!
Hocus pocus
the time is now
that you noticed
[RATS SQUEAKING]
[SONG CONTINUES]
they tried to tell me
but they're not getting
in no messes
[SONG CONTINUES]
[CAR HORN HONKS]
victim of society
all my life I've tried
I've become a victim
of society
this is bogus
the time is now
that you noticed
[SONG CONTINUES]
they tried to tell me
but they're not getting
in no messes
[SONG CONTINUES]
can somebody tell me
I'm a victim of society
all my life I've tried
[BEEPING]
Hmm.
Feel the breeze from the subway?
Uh-Huh.
Ohh!
Man, you look just like
Marilyn on that grate.
Oh! Except Marilyn never had
to wear a scram bracelet.
[TRAIN HORN HONKS]
Oh! Here comes
another one.
It's even bigger.
Ohh!
[HORN HONKING]
Mm-Hmm.
Hmm.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
[ENGINE STARTS]
I'm going it alone,
do my time until I'm done
... easy
all the faces that I've seen
don't mean anything at all to me
she got me going now
out of my mind
and it's a hell of a time
yeah
it's all insane,
but I don't need
but I'm trying
just to let you know
that I don't want
to cause a scene
but I'm sorry
I tell you everything that you
know you never want to hear
'cause it's true
I give you all I got but there's
nothing there that you can use
so you got me going now
going out of my mind
and it's a hell of a time
with you now, yeah
I don't want to say
what I don't mean
but I'm trying
just to let you know
that I don't want
to cause a scene
but I'm sorry,
it's time for you to go
I don't want to say
what I don't mean
but I'm trying
just to let you know
that I don't want
to cause a scene
but I'm sorry,
it's time for you to go
don't want to say
what I don't mean
but I'm trying
just to let you know
that I don't want
to cause a scene
but I'm sorry,
it's time for you to go
[HUMMING]
[FUNK MUSIC PLAYING]
[SIRENS IN DISTANCE]
ANNOUNCER:
When trouble rises...
[TIRES SQUEALING, GUNSHOTS]
And there's
no one else to call,
Who do you turn to?
This summer...
Action gets a little sensitive.
"Flirty harry."
[MAN GROANING]
[COCKS GUN] Uh-Uh-Uh.
Go ahead. Make me gay.
ANNOUNCER: He's never afraid
to take on the establishment.
I told you before,
I am not going.
To wait around for a bunch
of other dicks.
Not when I have an opening to
take those guys from the rear.
Yeah. I read
your report, harry.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I don't think you understand,
those boys were packing heat.
I mean, as soon as I came,
those assholes opened up.
Yeah, opened up and started
spraying everywhere.
Yeah.
I read that, too, harry.
Sir, I know
this is a heavy load.
Look, I realize
I'm leaving you.
With a mess all over your face.
Sometimes you got
to swallow... [GULP]
Your pride, you know?
Suck it up.
Oh, come on, harry,
These are just weird
phrases you're using now.
Well, what do you want me
to say? So I went in.
Yeah, I went in deep,
balls to the wall.
But I unloaded
into both of those assholes.
All right, stop, will you...
and it felt good!
I read the frickin' report.
Look, everybody in the
department gets a partner.
That's right,
even you, super cop!
He's a pig, but
he's right, harry.
I don't have time
to break him in.
Do you know how many
partners you've had?
He's a cancer on this force!
Oh, please, they'll smell
this dirty asshole.
Coming a mile away.
Oh, come on.
It's policy, harry.
Comes from up high.
Super cop.
You shut up.
Let me tell you something.
Yeah?
City hall's been trying to get me
to bend over a barrel for years.
If I am going down,
I'm going down hard.
I'm sorry, am I the only one
that had an erection.
From when he started
talking, or...
Shut up, rookie.
["RIDE OF THE VALKYRIES"
PLAYING]
[SIRENS]
[SNARLING]
[NO AUDIO]
Hmm?
Oh, uh, oh!
Uhh!
Hey, I'm Jamal,
And this is "blackass."
What the fuck
is this, shit soup?!
Fuck this! Arrest me.
Ohh!
What the fuck?!
[HUMMING]
Oh, hello.
I'm Ari Shaffer.
You know, America's had it
pretty rough lately.
And in tough times
such as these,
Our country turns
to its heroes.
To give us back
our sense of swagger.
Heroes such as myself.
Welcome
to "the amazing racist."
We're here in southeastern
Arizona today.
At one of
the toughest stretches.
Of the Mexican-American
border.
Uh, probably right here... from
here it's about 3 miles down...
Is where 40% of the
illegal immigrants.
Come in every day.
They are coming in and
stealing our gardening jobs,
Our nannying jobs.
They're breastfeeding
our white babies.
With their tres leches milk,
And ruining
our minds and our souls.
My dad worked
as an orange salesman.
On the side of the road,
the side of the freeway,
For 37 years before one of
these brown bombers came in.
And undercut his business,
and it's ridiculous.
But right over there,
that's Mexico.
That's real... like if I
took a rock and throw it,
This is an act... that's
an act of war right now.
I just invaded Mexico.
An invasion that I've been
petitioning our government.
To start for over 10 years,
And as soon as we get a white
president back in the office,
I will continue
those petitions.
It's really ridiculous.
All right, is that...
MAN: Yeah.
Are we good?
- We're good.
- All right.
Dude, dude!
Bro, bro! Oh, my...
Is that for...
is that...
Is that for real happening,
is that for real?
I think that was really them.
[LAUGHS] For real?
Mexicans!
Like, they just ran through
there. Did you get that?
We got it.
Is it on?
I can't believe we got that.
That is...
Oh, my god, did we get that?
That is so fuckin' sweet!
[BIRD SQUAWKING]
Hey, excuse me.
What's going on?
Hey, did they like... do like
illegals comes through here?
Like, the immigrants
looking for work and stuff?
A couple times a day.
Yeah?
Every now and then.
And what, people just pick them
up here? What's the story?
Yeah, pretty much. Yeah.
You're cool with that?
It's normal around here, man.
- Yeah. American jobs.
- Yeah.
Someone's going to get
your job one day.
- Maybe so.
- Maybe so, definitely.
Yeah. All right.
Hi.
How are you?
What's going on?
Hey, how you doing,
what's up, man?
What's up, brother?
How you doing?
All right.
Hey, where are the Mexicans?
Uh, I don't know...
Oh, go for it, I'm sorry.
Are you... are
you ok, ma'am?
You're not in any danger?
What?
Blink if there's a problem.
Volkswagen, I like this.
Some German engineering.
I like the germane.
They had some...
They had some
really good ideas.
They had some really good ones.
Misunderstood
in the end, but...
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
What team do you play for?
[LAUGHS]
Ma'am, are you sure?
What?
I like this, the race mixing.
It's a good thing.
It's not enough
to steal our money,
You got to steal
our white women, too.
I like you anyway, though, man.
You're one of those, like,
You're one of those like
white blacks.
It's really quite refreshing.
You're really fun,
man, I tell you what.
You're really funny.
If they were all like you, man.
Is that right?
If they were all like you,
it wouldn't be a problem.
Gotcha. Never would
have had the sixties.
I gotcha, I gotcha.
You know, I don't have a problem
with the back of the bus.
It's cooler there.
But some people got uppity,
and then it's like,
I want to sit in the front,
but I guess not.
Get a load of this idiot right here.
Yeah.
You're just going
to drive away?
Yeah, yeah, I think so, buddy.
All right. I hope you don't
go to jail tonight.
That's your final solution,
then, just drive away.
In your... your German
engineered car.
All right.
[WIND CHIMES CHIMING]
Bro, you want a job?
You looking for work?
I'm waiting for my wife.
She's coming to pick me up.
But in the meantime,
do you want a job?
I got like full-Time job work.
You looking for anything?
Not really. I'm just
waiting for my wife.
All right.
Where'd you get that water?
In there.
Did you pay for it?
Of course.
With food stamps?
[SCOFFS]
My government's supporting you,
bro. It's all right.
Oh, hey, hey.
You looking for work?
Trabajo?
Oh, si.
Trabajo. Do you speak Spanish?
Do you speak English?
Oh, si.
Yo soy bueno.
Bueno.
Yo bueno. Trabajo. All right,
come on, let's do this.
Yo bueno.
Yeah, trabajo, come on.
We got you lots
of American jobs,
Where you can eat
that corn on a stick.
And you save up money,
dinero, and buy a low rider.
And just fucking ruin
the neighborhoods,
Bring property values
down for everybody.
Si. Dinero, gracias.
Yeah, that's the dream, man.
We'll trabajo the fuck
out of your shit, bro.
Trabajo?
Yes, yes,
That's what
I'm talking about, Jose.
That's what I'm talking about. You're welcome.
Gracias. Enjoy yourself.
[LAUGHING]
[SPEAKING SPANISH] please!
Ipor favor! Landale!
Isenor, senor, no, no, no!
[YELLING IN SPANISH]
Hey! Hey!
[YELLING IN SPANISH]
I got one for you, bro.
Where's my bounty?
Sir, don't get out of the car.
I fucking got one.
Find a black, got to park that.
Whoo! Better luck
next time, Paco.
[SPEAKING SPANISH]
Sir, hands on the...
hands on the ramp.
Put your hands on the...
put your hands on the bars.
Hands up, on the bars.
Hands on the bars. Ok.
Please explain to this
guy to get off me,
That I'm an American.
Jew S.A.
What?
A Jew S.A.
No, U.S.A.!
Sir...
no, not Jew S.A.!
U.S.A.!
Why is there a man
in the back of your truck?
Yes, exactly. Why do I
have to catch Mexicans.
On our side
of the fucking border?
That's exactly
the right question.
Jew crazy, man.
Did you call me a Jew?
Yeah, Jew.
Do you know this man?
Jew.
Why is he...
why is in the cage?
And fucking stay there! Don't
you ever fucking call me a Jew!
Put him down, put him
down, put him down.
Put him down.
No, no!
I'm swade with "blackass,".
And we like to call
this one the Johnson joust.
Whatever, open your mouth wide.
Get ready for it,
we coming for you.
[INDISTINCT] You ready?
Go for his face because
he used to kissin' 'em.
We got you.
Ohh!
It stayed that hard
when he was with a man.
Ohh!
Shut the fuck up!
That's right.
Fuck you, nigger. Nigger,
check out my King Kong shit.
My King Kong shit, bitch.
Yeah, your shit little.
All this dick and no
balls, shut the fuck up.
[ALL YELLING]
Oh, sh...
Ohh!
Ohh! To the face!
To the face!
You all right, baby?
You all right?
Watch that thing.
Watch that thing.
Ok, turn around, man.
You're touching my dick, nigger!
[INDISTINCT CHATTER
AND LAUGHTER]
Boom, nigger.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Oh, shit.
[HUMMING]
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Welcome to "the porno
review" podcast. I'm JD.
And I'm Harriet
with your female perspective.
Well, like most guys, Harriet,
I hope we go straight
to the titties.
Not a lot of "talking."
No need to worry.
Today's film
is an international one.
Ah, great, a foreign film.
You know what that means.
Relax! He's a seasoned director.
He would never screw up good
Well, I will believe
that when I see it.
[PROJECTOR STARTING]
Oh, honey, please take off that
tacky hat, it make you look gay.
Oh, sorry, honey,
I take it off.
I want to make love to you,
sushi mama.
I give you foreplay.
Lick tongue.
Oh, I feel so good.
Oh, I want you to suck.
[GAGGING]
Oh, I hit a nut.
Good move.
Oh, all right, stand up,
I want to see you naked now.
Taking clothes off.
That's nice. I like it a lot.
Motorboat.
You love the motorboat.
Motorboat. Do the motorboat.
Tonight we make love
on sacred table.
We never make love
on sacred table.
I set you down softly,
my little flower.
Oh, thank you.
Aaah!
You broke sacred table! Ayyy!
I kill you!
Aah!
Ohh! I so sorry.
I got to control my temper.
Oww!
Bitch, I kill you.
I really am sorry
this time, I swear.
Anger management. Ahh.
That is wrong.
That is wrong.
It's foreplay time now.
I give you compilation,
Hong Kong hustle.
And the doggy.
We do the doggy.
You like the doggy?
I do the doggy.
In your face with the doggy.
You can do the doggy, too.
Ha ha ha!
How you like that
right there? Huh?
Look at my nipples!
This is starting
to resemble gay porn.
Hoo-Rah!
Ok. I want
a little number 69,
And I don't mean Mongolian
beef with snow peas.
Give it to me!
Good morning, everybody.
Good news!
You all get a raise...
one cent a week.
Congrats.
That's fantastic,
sir, thank you.
Come on, this is ridiculous.
[CHUCKLES]
All right, fellas,
hurry up on the shoes.
We've got shamwows to make.
Sir, I thought those
were made in Germany.
Ha ha! No.
Oh, yeah, fuck me,
Mr. Miyagi.
Put it in me, Bruce lee.
Oh, yeah, iron sheik
that booty.
What is this
silhouette bullshit?
I call your pussy Rhianna,
'Cause my dick's
going to beat it.
Like it's Chris brown.
Oh! Oh, yeah.
Tell me I'm good at math.
You so good at math.
I love the sex.
You are a virgin.
No, I'm not virgin.
I've had more wieners than
eating champ kobayashi.
Oh, you bitch,
I thought you were a virgin!
My penis burning!
Sushi mama!
[YELLING AND GROANING]
Well, I don't like it.
Relax! Doesn't be
so pessimistic.
I want to see
a chick get naked.
A silhouette scene like this
leaves room for interpretation.
Is he punching her
in the stomach?
Is he fisting her
in the vajoosh?
We decide.
You are one sick
lady. You know?
I just think I heard
my dick gasp.
Wait a minute.
Why is the guy dancing
and wearing a diaper?
I don't get that.
In Japanese culture, foreplay
is an intricate ceremony.
Japanese men are more
sensitive to the clit.
I guess because their penis
resembles one.
Hmm. Oh, yeah, yeah. Ok.
I guess the symbolism here
is supposed to mean.
The guy's love for the woman
is so strong,
That's what breaks the table.
And then he punches here
in her slant-Eyed poontang.
Ok, let's go to the bucket.
I can't watch any more.
I think it's gonna be
less than 1.
What do you got, bob?
[GROANS]
[GAGS]
All right, what do we got next?
Hold on.
All right, ok. But
while she's throwing up,
Let's take a break.
[VOMITING]
That's not good.
See ya next time.
[HUMMING]
We got a big surprise
for your 21st birthday.
Come on, come on!
Why am I holding a spear?
It's your birthday stick.
My birthday stick? What?
ALL: Ohh!
[LAUGHTER]
That nigger hurt,
that nigger hurt!
Look at that nigger hurt!
The damn motherfucker...
damn!
Oh, shit!
Whoo!
What the fuck?
You have to fight
that motherfucker!
Oh, shit!
[HUMMING]
ANNOUNCER:
In san Francisco,
When trouble calls,
one man answers.
Flirty harry.
Ready to stand up
for what he believes in.
You must have some big balls.
Coming in my face...
like that.
I've had my fill
of your mouth, harry!
I will bust your ass
down to traffic cop!
Go ahead.
Hmm?
Bust my ass.
No, no.
No, no, no.
No, no, no!
ANNOUNCER:
Loved by the people,
He's a man's man.
Would you like
to sample my nuts?
I'll pop a couple
in my mouth, sure.
These are extra salty.
ANNOUNCER:
And criminals know.
He means business.
Move, motherfucker.
What the fuck
are you looking at, asshole?
What the fuck
are you looking at?!
You're going to do
what I tell you, right?
[CRUNCH]
What the fuck are you doing,
you cocksucking pig?
Easy, now.
I know you're ready to blow.
I'm just going to
push a stool in.
Real slow.
Thinking about
blowing fucking brains.
All over the fucking wall,
man pig. Back up.
[COCKS GUN]
Go ahead.
Blow 'em.
Huh?
Away. [KISS]
[EXHALES]
ANNOUNCER:
"Flirty harry,".
Coming out this summer.
Hi. I'm Ari Shaffer.
You know, according
to experts at Wikipedia,
Asian drivers account for
56% of all traffic deaths.
In the U.S.
Every single day.
That's more deaths
than slavery.
Or "the holocaust" combined.
Whether they're
taking their cars.
And plowing into
our farmers markets.
Or taking their planes
and plowing into pearl harbors,
They're just not safe
behind the wheel.
So either start
an internment camp,
Which is illegal,
or do what I do,
That's Ari's driving school
for the round-Eye impaired,
To help teach
these yellow kitties.
How to handle tough,
American vehicles.
Won't don't you join me today?
Welcome to
"the amazing racist."
Hi, I'm Christina.
Oh. Hi, how are you?
Good.
My name's Ari.
Hi, Ari, nice to meet you.
How are you? I...
how are you?
I will be
your instructor today.
Ok.
Your instructor.
Or sensei. Um...
ok.
Ok, put your seatbelt on.
You're very good-Looking.
Nice.
What?
It's good to look.
Oh, ok.
Hello, Charlie, how are you?
Hi, uh, Steve.
It's nice to, uh...
Nice to meet you.
Oh. Nice
to meet you, too.
Uh, ok, so, um,
Yeah, definitely
put your seatbelt on.
Um...
Go ahead and, uh, pull out.
Should I check
my mirrors, or...
It's not going to make any
difference, dude, but go ahead.
Straight up where you're
going, you're looking good.
You're... you're an authorized
instructor, right?
Easy... yes, I'm an authorized
instructor. Be careful.
This isn't Tiananmen square.
This is not a tank.
Ok.
This is a car.
Ok, sorry.
Your eyes, it would be good.
If you could open
your eyes a little bit.
Just pop them open.
If you just open them up.
Yeah. Just try to...
Yeah, try to keep them open.
Look what I'm doing.
See my eyes?
How they're open?
Yeah.
Can you try to do that?
They...
they are open.
Ehh...
How much do you think
a massage would cost?
Like a...
I don't...
I don't know.
But like, you know...
One of those massages.
What?
What...
[EXHALES]
Did I do something wrong, or...
It's just, you're driving really
fuckin' dangerous right now.
Please, just try to
concentrate on the road.
Open your eyes!
Come on.
All right, listen.
Just stay there.
Um...
Just... please, stay on
the road, stay on the road.
I don't know if this is safe.
Please, it's safer than
having your eyes half closed.
Uh, ok.
Ok.
That eye is way better, right?
You can see better
out of that eye now?
Uh, I guess so, yeah.
Do you notice a difference?
Yeah, yeah.
Stay on the road,
stay on the road.
You're doing great,
you're doing fine.
You're doing fine.
There we go.
Careful, careful,
please be careful.
Please be careful,
please be careful.
Maybe after this, uh, some
sort of hand job or something.
What?
Just straight up.
S.A.T. Question.
Um, white people
are to loving their daughters.
As Asian people are to...
Um... I don't know.
Blank their daughters.
White people love... daughters.
When Asian people
have daughters, they...
Can only have one?
They kill them.
They bury them alive.
So that they can have a boy.
Look, look, oh, my god.
Please be careful.
Hey, my cell phone's
not working right now.
Can you take a look at it
and see what's wrong with it?
No!
Can I take this tape off now?
Do you think you're...
are you going to open your eyes?
Yes.
I think that's super unsafe.
I feel like it's not really
helping that much, but...
Ohh!
That hurt?
When you came
to this country, like...
I was born in this country, ok?
Fuck you.
Oh, ok. By that,
so when do you...
So who ordered you?
Is there some sort
of crate situation?
No, there's no crate situation!
I'm more American
than you are, Jew.
First of all,
that's uncalled for.
You're uncalled for.
Oh, that's a dog.
There's a dog right up there.
You want to pull over and get
it? You want to grab it?
We'll fry it up for later, dude.
We'll fry it up for later.
Dude, that's a giant one.
That's a German shepherd, bro.
Pull over, we'll just get this.
What are you talking about?
Fuck it! It's gone now.
This is fucking ridiculous.
I can't believe I paid
money for this class.
Listen, listen, I don't...
Some ugly ass old white guy.
I don't... I want this
to end well, ok?
I want everyone to be happy.
I want it to end happy.
- I just want a happy ending.
- Shut the fuck up.
And if I can just get
that happy ending,
- That would be...
- What happy ending?
- $20 worth...
- Are you fucking serious?!
Oh, money! No! Oh, my god!
I'm sorry.
I've been a little hard on you.
And I so sorry.
I so, so sorry.
Really? Really?
[LAUGHS]
You probably don't
even have a dick.
Do you watch child pornography?
You look like a pervert. You
look like a fucking pervert.
You are getting me
so horny right now.
Oh, my god.
I thought you were
supposed to be my teacher.
I can barely see you. Is this
what it's like to be you?
How do you get through life
like this, man?
This is crazy.
I so sorry.
I so sorry.
How does this help me drive?
I so sorry.
Just calm down, it's...
Ok, listen,
this is going to seem weird,
But I just want to know.
Is your pussy
like slanted, or...
Oww!
Shut the fuck up!
Just... no hitting!
And if you're going to hit,
use proper form.
It's a karate chop,
and you say hyah.
You didn't say hyah. Oww!
What kind of karate
do you know?
Um...
What happens if I would
strike you? What would happen?
I'm not going to. Hyah!
[LAUGHS] Karate!
Are you sure this is...
All right, Hong Kong fooey,
Just please be careful.
You're going to fail.
You're going to fail.
'Cause I'm going to
sue your fucking ass.
You're not going to sue me.
Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Yes, I am.
What are you going
to sue me for?
I'm going to sue you
for sexual harassment.
Oh, it wasn't harassment
if you were asking for it.
I was not asking for it!
You're fucking crazy!
Oh, yeah, sitting there
looking all Asian.
And of course I'm not
going to want to fuck?
Fucking asshole! Just because you
can't get anything? Oh, my god!
Of course I'm going
to want to fuck.
Careful, careful,
careful, careful!
Sorry, Asian driver,
Asian driver.
They're really terrible
at driving. And lovemaking.
Dude, what is
your problem, man?
Sorry. I'm sorry to get on you.
But it's important that you
learn how to drive safely.
It's the only reason
I'm hard on you.
Because you need to learn
how to deliver food on time,
Otherwise people like me
are angry.
That it's past 40 minutes.
Dude, that's not even Chinese
food, that's domino's.
So fucking ridiculous!
All right, then $40!
Would $40 do it?
$20, $40, what the fuck
do you think I am?!
First of all, you already broke that 10.
You're eating half of that.
That... oh, my god, you are
the cheapest fucking...
I'm not cheap, I'm not going to
waste money getting a hand job.
When I can go to some other
place and get one for cheaper!
Oh, my god. You couldn't get a hand
job if someone fucking paid you.
Your own hand doesn't
even want to give you.
A fucking hand job, you creep.
I'm done with this. I'm through with this.
You're an asshole!
Watch out!
Somebody's going to hit you!
Fuck you!
Ok, I cut off
for cutting people off,
Didn't look before turning,
Being a filthy Asian,
Cannot pronounce his Is,
that's minus 7.
41%.
Hey, asshole,
One more thing...
fuck you.
Yeah, that's right,
you better be scared.
I'll fucking karate punch
you in the face. Asshole.
Oh, my.
That's going to be a 41,
for the attitude,
I'm taking it down to a 38%.
38%.
Fuck this.
Fuck this.
Don't pull over!
We're in the... we're...
We're driving now. You are
so fucking ridiculous.
So is it... is it horizontal...
Ow, fuck! Ow! Fuck!
Asians fighting back!
Please! Ow! Ow!
Get out of the fucking car!
Get back to your country.
Fuck you!
Oh... my... god.
Well, they love their job.
They're great sitters.
I know. [CHUCKLES]
All right, sir, you, too.
All right, bye.
Hi. How can I help you?
Hi, I'm just looking.
Well, welcome. We are new in town.
New to Beverly Hills.
And we obviously offer
everything baby-Related.
Stuffed animals, blocks,
goobery gadgets.
We've got 'em
for your little goobers.
Oh, yes, we need more stuff in
our house, that's for sure.
Well, anything you see...
cribs, toys, crayons,
And we also have babysitters.
Oh, you do?
Yeah.
Oh, that's a good
thing to know.
Do you have a card
or something?
I'm...
well, even better...
Always looking for babysitters.
If you have time, you can actually
meet the sitters right now.
Really?
Yeah.
Uh, ok.
Fantastic, great.
Really?
Come on with me. Yeah.
All right.
What's the little guy's name?
Luke.
All right. Come on, Luke,
let's meet your new babysitters.
You're going to love them.
Come on.
He's just so sweet.
Oh, thank you.
Right this way.
Thank you.
Luke, your new sitters.
I'll let you guys
get acquainted.
[DOOR CLOSES]
Hey, bitch.
Hey, mike.
Hey, I'm telling
you, no bullshit.
My cousin ray ain't giving me this...
[INDISTINCT]
Like that.
Hold on, hold on,
nigger. Hold on.
Get it.
What the fuck, are you going
to fucking say something.
Or shit, what the fuck, are you
just going to walk up in here...
No, I just was taken
by surprise, I'm sorry.
Who are you guys?
She was... I'm...
What? What the fuck?
Finish your goddamn sentence,
bitch, what the fuck?
Uh, no, I just...
I'm looking for babysitters.
My bad. I'm supposed to be nice.
We are the babysitters.
You're the babysitters?
We're the babysitters.
What's going on here,
seriously?
We the babysitters.
You're...
you can't be babysitters.
We're the fucking babysitters.
The niggers have fucking said
it like 20 fucking times, damn!
Ok, ok, ok, all right.
Is that your baby?
Yes.
How old is it?
He's 7 months.
We grand handshake...
I'm sorry,
what is going on here?
This is really odd.
Hey! Hey, boy.
Hey, I got your girl
right here.
You know what,
what we need to do,
Like, we need to find
out like a schedule.
We can write down the schedule.
We got a crayon in this
bitch somewhere.
So when do you need our services?
Because, um...
That's what I'm saying,
we can write down a schedule.
The sooner,
the better I get paid,
The sooner I can pay the bills.
'Cause I got people to pay.
No, I'm sure that you do.
No, we all have bills to pay.
Oh, yeah.
But you know what...
Why are you being like this?
But you know what,
my husband and I...
Is it 'cause we black?
I'm sorry, I didn't...
I didn't say anything
about you being black.
First of all, my best friend's
husband is like a quarter black.
Oh, shit, oh, shit.
It's about to go down.
Oh, for real?
Motherfucker.
Your next baby can be
half black, though.
No, you know what, this not
funny at all, you guys.
I'm not laughing anymore.
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
Honestly, this is...
we're all set.
I think something's
going on here.
We're all set in here!
Thank you.
I think something's
going on here.
Nothing's going on.
What do you mean, nothing
ain't going on here?
Nothing's going on!
We want to baby-Sit
the baby.
We're good.
You think you're
too good for us.
You know what,
do you have a card?
'Cause I can take your card.
Yeah, we got a card.
Look on the fucking
wall. Fuck the police.
That's the motherfucking
card, bitch!
How much money are you going
to give us for this?
I got to gets paid.
I got a welfare check
didn't come through!
They come crop my water.
All you got to do is give
me some of that money
take me out,
about to get your ring
about the baby, sit your baby
do the damn thing
with the malt liquor in my
hand, I'm the man
Oh, my god!
I think Luke's all set.
Hey, you guys.
Aww.
We've got a client.
You guys nailed it.
She going to call us.
We got that.
We got a client!
I think we got a client.
I think we got a client.
[HUMMING]
All right, let's
move forward now.
The next one's supposed to be
a classic, according to bob.
What's the name of this one?
"Sperm lake."
"Sperm lake."
[DUCKS QUACKING]
["SWAN LAKE" PLAYING]
Oh, no, it's a bunch of dudes.
Oh, no, not even one
looks like a woman.
[SQUAWKING]
This is the kind of bullshit that made
me stop going to the sauna at the gym.
[SQUAWKING]
["SWAN LAKE" ENDS]
I see you standing there
there on the wall
I want to know
if you're alone
[SQUAWKING]
[SONG CONTINUES]
[MOANING]
got me, got me, got me
bumping in this club
[TURNS OFF SONG,
"SWAN LAKE" PLAYING]
[GRUNTING]
[SQUAWKING]
Ohhh.
[SQUAWKING]
Wow.
This may be the only
show on the internet.
To actually get guys
to stop jerking off.
Dude, relax.
The only way I could shoot
my load watching this.
Will be trying to hit the eject
button on the DVD player.
Ok. I think we need
to get the bucket rating.
Ok, let's go to the bucket.
Bob, what do you got?
9.2.
9.2?
That's a lot.
There must be some blood
mixed in there with that.
Ohh... wow.
That can't be good.
And the sticky bucket
award goes to...
"Sperm lake," with a 9.2.
Well, this has been
this week's podcast.
Of "the porno
review." I'm JD.
And I'm Harriet.
Bob.
We should take bob outside
and hit him with a stick.
I think we should put him down.
Yeah.
We should get rid of bob.
"Flirty harry," a lone hero,
With the wind of a city
on his shoulders.
Every night
it just gets harder...
And longer...
And harder...
Knowing that these young men
that I handcuff and punish.
Can actually walk the next day.
Oh, yes, yes, harry.
Once I finish nail,
harry, he be ok.
You like semi-Gloss?
Actually, I don't know
about the semi. I...
I like a nice hard finish.
Something about
how smooth it feels.
When I squeeze each load
down that barrel.
Yeah, like pop, pop, pop
in the sky. Bright light, wow!
It doesn't really go
in the sky.
It shoots kind of forward.
Ooh!
Funny, harry, very funny.
You want blow job?
That's all right.
Oh, I give him blow job.
No, I give him blow job.
That's ok.
I give him blow job.
I give him blow job.
BOTH: I give him blow job!
I give him blow job!
Just a little.
That's ok.
I can blow myself.
I'll get your bottle
for you. I'll be right back.
When crime runs rampant...
[CRYING]
Flirty harry is there.
Freeze, asshole.
Don't move a muscle.
Drop it.
This could be nasty.
Ow! Damn!
Gotcha.
Goddamn, motherfucker!
Flirty harry...
One in the hole.
He always gets his man...
I can feel the bullet
in my mouth,
You motherfucker!
In the end.
I'm gonna kill you, bitch!
Right...
we shouldn't stay.
Oh, please.
[LAUGHS]
Ooh! It feels good.
[LAUGHS]
How are you?
How you doin'?
Ahh... wow.
Hey, tomorrow,
We should hurry and check out.
Ok? And, uh...
I'm sorry, am I
interrupting or...
Oh, no, no, no.
Ok. Great.
Ooh.
You guys visiting, or...
We're from st. Louis.
Oh, that's great.
I'm from Iowa.
Oh, good. You having
a nice vacation?
Actually, uh, I'm
meeting my boyfriend.
He lives here
and we met online,
And it's kind of
our first weekend.
To actually meet
face to face. So...
Oh, really?
It's been great.
[LAUGHS]
Cool. I'm Diane.
Oh, Diane, I'm Cindi.
I'm jack.
Oh, great.
Excellent.
What are you guys
doing tonight?
We'll probably hit the bar
or get some drinks.
We are, too. Maybe we can do
a double date or something.
I don't know.
Just think about it.
Sure. Sure, why not? See
you guys in the bar, yeah.
Might be Mr. Right.
Sounds like a nice guy.
Yeah, he's really sweet.
Hey, mama.
Hi, baby!
How you be doin'?
I've been missing you.
Where you been?
Where you been? Mmm!
Mmm!
Come here!
[MOANING]
Um...
[INDISTINCT]
What you doin' up in here?
Hey, this is, uh,
Diane and jack.
We're just talking.
What y'all be up to?
What's up?
Guys, this is him.
So what it do?
How you be?
How you doin'?
How are you?
How you be doin'?
They're gonna maybe go
for drinks with us tonight.
Oh, yeah, some [INDISTINCT]?
Double date.
Oh, I don't know, yeah.
Nice. That sounds
like the shit.
Can I get a chocolate martini?
Yeah, and I'll get a
white vanilla rockatini.
We really should go.
So you can have...
Baby...
Yeah, why don't we
leave you guys.
To have some privacy.
It's cool.
Oh, come on, you guys,
we're just having fun.
Oh, come on.
No, it's fine.
We had a long day today.
We should probably get...
Sit down.
Sit down!
So, um, so what do you
do for a living?
Uh, I am an insurance salesman.
Boring.
Yeah?
I need some insurance.
I bet you do. I need some
insurance on my dick.
Hey, Seth.
You look like Seth Rogan
or something like that.
I have got that before.
Yeah? He got
a big dick, I heard.
Some girl I fucked last week,
She fucked him
two weeks before that,
She couldn't even walk.
She was like, dude...
She could not even walk.
She...
She had a wheelchair.
Bitch had a remote
control wheelchair.
Like, bitch said hello
and did me like that,
I'd put her in a coma.
Seth Rogan put her
in a wheelchair,
I put that bitch in a coma.
I don't know
what you're talking about.
Give me that ear.
Give me that ear.
DIANE: I'm gonna be sick.
[LAUGHING]
Who's my big black daddy?
Hey, Seth. Why don't you go
ahead, switch with my girl,
Let me have your girl.
[BOTH TALKING AND LAUGHING]
I'd enjoy that.
I can totally do it.
Hey, jack, I've got room
in my mouth.
Diane.
Hi.
You had your stomach
played with inside?
I can make your stomach gurgle.
Like a motherfuckin'
Alka-Seltzer pill.
When he put his dick in me,
I thought he popped an organ.
It was like... aah!
What was that?!
Oh, my god, her kidney!
Oh, my god, I felt him poking
me in my fuckin' throat.
You know what I mean?
You're being very disgusting.
Oh, please. Why are
you being like this?
Jack, I know
you're getting hard.
We're just trying to have fun.
I know, we were just having fun, too.
We're just relaxing.
You know what? We should just
leave you to have fun together.
Yeah, you guys will have
more fun if we're not here.
Ain't no fun if the
homeys can't have none.
Come on.
I'm a homey.
Let's shake our titties
together.
Just you and me shakin'
and bouncin' our titties.
Just bounce it.
Just bounce it.
Have a little fun.
Let me do it to you.
Let me do it to you.
Hey, jack, you like anal?
No. No.
Whoa. Whoa.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my goodness.
I want that big
black dick in me.
You feel it?
You feel it?
Aah! Aah!
No, no, no! No, no.
No, no.
[SHOUTING]
We don't want to be in this
when you guys are having sex.
Come on, jack, you know
you want a piece of this.
Why are you gonna leave?
Don't touch me!
[INDISTINCT]
Come on, don't leave,
you fuckin' pussy!
Uh, hello, sir.
How are you?
Hmm? Ok.
Can I, uh, ask you a question?
I'm trying to get
a petition going.
I'm trying to get Jews to
apologize for killing Jesus.
I'm trying to get as many
signatures as I can.
I'm sorry, what did you say?
I'm trying to get Jews,
yiddle littles,
Um, Hebrews,
To apolo... to...
You know you're in
a Jewish market?
Yeah, I came to find them.
They, uh...
I... I... I'm sorry, I...
what is... is this a...
Are you sorry?
That's great.
So if you'll sign this
and say sorry about...
No, I... I did not
kill Jesus.
Yeah, but... I mean,
your people did.
Are you for real here?
What are you doing
in a Jewish market here.
Talking to Jews this way?
How do you talk like that?
Why do all you guys talk
like such victims?
[WHINING]
Nnn... nnn...
Nn... nnn...
That's what you sound like
all the time.
All the time.
I'm sorry, I just...
I'm not gonna talk to you.
All right, fair enough.
Jeez...
By the way,
we're giving away, uh,
Across the street,
50% off rhinoplasties.
Get out of here!
A nose job...
Get away from me!
You don't want 50% off...
No, I don't!
Wow. Wow.
Hi, how are you?
Hi.
Uh, oh, yeah.
Good price.
Hey.
Remember Jesus.
And how you guys killed him?
We're just try...
I'm trying to get,
Um, some people
to sign the petition.
Just to, uh...
"Sorry for killing
Jesus" petition. Uh...
Jesus Christ. Yeah.
If I could just get
your Jew name here.
Are you serious?
Totally.
What do...
How do you guys get
such curly hair?
Like, do you perm this?
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Stop.
Please don't touch
my hair. Ok?
It's really...
Do... like, what
do you do to it?
Why don't you just cut it?
Or smooth it out?
It doesn't work.
Do you think that's because
god is punishing you?
Maybe. Maybe he is.
Maybe it's because you
haven't apologized...
Excuse me. Father or minister
or whatever you are,
I think it's really rude of
you to come in here and...
Ok, I get you don't want to sign it.
Perhaps...
This is ridiculous.
Uh, Mr. Copper
Abraham Lincoln.
Would, uh, change your mind?
'Cause Jews love money, right?
Mm-Hmm.
Mm-Hmm.
Very tempting.
Very tempting.
No, thank you.
Excuse me. I'm
just trying to shop.
Would you want
to be nailed to a cross?
Your legs and your hands...
Nobody does that anymore.
No, they don't.
So, just apologize
for the last one.
You know he was special to us.
Fine. Go find
someone to breed with.
Are you serious?
Jeez.
Hi, how are you?
I'm ok. How are you? Good.
Uh, I'm here today...
it's great food here.
But I'm here today to...
Sorry, I don't know what you're doing
in here, but I need you to leave.
I don't want you
bothering my customers.
Ok. I apologize.
I'm sorry.
You... yeah, thank you.
Didn't... did
somebody tell on me?
No, I saw you
from behind the counter.
You're bothering...
Was there a collaborator
that came over to you?
No, it wasn't a collaborator.
It was just me
with my own eyes,
Seeing you bothering
my customers.
Ok, I was just... honestly, I'm
just trying to get some...
Some...
Ok, if you're going to shop.
And get some stuff,
you're more than...
That's right. I apologize.
It was my fault.
Ok, more than happy.
Just...
sorry.
Don't bother customers, ok? Ok.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Were you the one that told?
You're right.
I... I...
Trying to get
to the other side...
Nnn... nnn...
Hey, look
at the little Jew apples.
They're so tiny.
Get less for your money.
Um, so, hey. If you could
sign our petition?
We're just trying
to get some, uh,
Jews to apologize
for killing Jesus.
Just try to, uh...
[SCOFFS]
Make things all even.
Yeah. No, uh,
you know,
I don't sign my name
to anything.
That I haven't read completely,
So, no... no,
thank you.
It says right here, "sorry
for killing Jesus petition."
And then, here's your Jew name,
And if you still know
your Jew number,
And then, whether
or not you're sorry.
Oh, my god. Miriam?
Is that your name?
No.
Ok.
Well, I'm sorry to, uh...
I, uh, don't mean
to bother you.
I apologize.
My fault.
These look better.
Can you smell that?
Can you smell the penny?
Enough already.
Ok.
Ok? I don't want to have
to come out here again.
Ok, I can see your friend.
He's got a camera here.
I mean... yeah. We're just...
You're not very inconspicuous,
What you're doing here
with my customers.
If the owner
was here right now,
I could get in a lot
of trouble, so, uh...
Ok, I'm... ok.
If you're gonna shop here,
that's absolutely fine.
Just stay away
from the customers,
- If you would, please.
- Ok, ok. Sorry.
- Ok?
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
- Ok.
I understand.
I'll go now.
I just... ok, I'll
stay away from them.
Excuse me. Can I talk
to you for a second?
Yeah. What's up?
[LAUGHING] Jerry Seinfeld.
"Hello, Newman."
Uh, I'm trying to get
a, uh, petition going.
For, um...
yeah? What's it for?
I'm just trying to get,
Um, Jews to, uh,
sign a petition.
Saying they're sorry
that... that Jesus got killed,
And their role of that.
It's just kind of like...
Are... are you bored
or something?
Are... are you serious?
I'm just...
It's just there's a lot
of hatred in the world.
I'm just trying to cure that.
Come on. Just sign.
Just sign it.
Just be the guy who
takes the initiative.
And gets in there and apologizes
for what you people did.
Ok, fine. All right. Awesome.
Uh, go ahead. Write
your name down there.
It says, "Jew name."
Yeah.
The Jew's name.
Come on, man.
Ok, I'll start you off.
"David"...
Ok, my name is David.
Ok, should I put
for occupation,
Should I put banker?
Uh, running media?
Really?
Running media. Ok.
Also, we're giving away,
And I think
you might like this,
50% off rhinoplasties.
Um...
Discount nose jobs.
50% off, um...
My nose is...
My no... your nose
is bigger than mine.
But really, you're
just deflecting now.
Your nose is humongous.
No, it's not.
Pear.
How are you?
[SIGHS] Not too
bad, not too bad.
Do you want
to sign my petition?
What's it all about?
I'm trying to get...
[SIGHS] Jews to sign
this petition.
Saying they're sorry about
the killing of Jesus.
And none of these hymies
will... will do it,
And it's just frustrating,
'Cause I'm just trying
to bring people together.
Yeah. I mean,
why not?
All right.
Awesome, man.
"Name."
Just put your name there.
Name.
Name's "fuck you."
All right.
Ok. Thank you.
If you're not going to be
serious about this.
I mean, what the fuck, dude?
So, you're not sorry
about the killing of Jesus?
Is he doing it again?
Why... you again?
You're always bothering me!
You're bothering my customers.
Out you go.
I wish it was
6 million and one.
Ohh! Out.
Immediately.
- Get out of here.
- Stop, stop, stop!
I didn't mean any harm.
Stop! You're crucifying me.
Stop it! You're a real
jerk, you know that?
This is what you did
to Jesus, too.
- Stop, stop, stop!
- Get out of here.
I will sue you.
Well, doctor, I just, you know,
Find that I'm having trouble.
Opening up in my relationships,
Really being vulnerable.
The thing is is that I think
this comes from my childhood.
My... my parents got
divorced at a young age,
And I feel like
my father leaving.
Has really, you know, taken a... a
chunk out of my self-Esteem.
Mm-Hmm.
That's a shame.
You know, I feel like there's
a good girl inside of me,
And a raunchy raven
that comes out.
When I have sex
with some stranger.
Hmm? You know, my... my
self-Esteem issues.
Let's get back to the sex.
Uh, what kind of sex
are you talking about?
Sex with... with, um,
many, many men.
Sometimes in groups
as, you know...
You're with a doctor.
You can be specific.
Well, hand jobs,
blow jobs, gagging,
Double penetration, facials,
Dry humping,
Sex with toys,
role play, whips,
Chains, the whole gamut.
I've... I've just spent
years drowned in a...
In a pool of semen.
You know?
That's interesting.
Drowning.
Trying to get out
and be myself,
But just being covered
in... in nameless...
Mm-Hmm.
Faceless...
Semen.
[CRYING] Then I...
Then I started doing the drugs.
What do the drugs make you do?
They would take me
to a whole new level.
With... with this sex,
This disgusting,
you know, base,
Depraved, animalistic.
Like I wasn't
even human anymore.
I was just this thing. [MOANING]
And I just...
I wanted to get fucked
all night long,
And I just wanted
to bang, bang,
Bang all night long.
You know? And it didn't
matter who it was.
I'd take any guy that... that
came and I would face him.
We'd do it
wherever... wherever.
Do you have any
of those drugs on you?
Yeah.
Can I see them?
How many of these drugs
did you take?
No more than 1/2 or look out.
It makes everything
more difficult.
It makes my friendships,
You know, just fall apart.
Nobody trusts me or...
How could they trust you?
Who would trust me? I...
you're a bad girl.
I am a bad, bad girl.
Mm-Hmm.
And it's just so embarrassing.
[WEEPING]
[CRUNCHING]
[GULP]
5 minutes for the drugs, huh?
Uh, yeah.
And, um...
mm-Hmm.
I had to change. I
started praying a lot.
Oh, that's not gonna work.
And, um, you know,
Really trying to find the lord.
What would he know?
He never even had sex.
Ohh.
Sorry.
It's ruined my life,
But it's so nice to finally
meet a man I can talk to.
[CRUNCHING]
And you're really listening
to me, you know?
I'm in pain and I'm... I'm
finally unloading it on you.
And ohh! It's hard.
You know, to...
to get it out,
And I feel like
you listen to me.
And I feel like, you know,
That it's not about the
$300 that I'm paying you.
I feel like you really... uh, $400.
Mm-Hmm.
I feel like it's
about, you know,
Like a connection that you and I have.
I can see it.
[COUGHING]
You're feeling what
I'm going through,
And it's so...
it's so wonderful.
It's ok, you're...
I can see you're
right here with me.
[CHOKING] You know?
And it's just like, I've never
cried with a man before.
This is beautiful.
I just... I feel
like we're...
You're connected
to me, you know, and...
[CHOKING]
Uhh!
Is the hour up?
[HUMMING]
P.A: Dr. Gordon...
[DOOR OPENS]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
My baby mama be in a minute.
You got any more books?
How y'all doing?
How y'all doing?
This your first time down here?
Yeah.
Oh, ok.
You nervous?
Yes.
Yeah, you should be.
I bet you wear a rubber
next time, huh?
Got you down here
at the chop shop.
So, how long
y'all been waiting?
An hour.
I don't know.
Damn!
They got you signing.
All types of unnecessary
paperwork and shit?
And on top of that, 600 stacks.
600 Benjamin's down the tube.
No pun intended, 'cause I know.
It's a sensitive time for you
and your girl, you know?
It's all right.
It is what it is, sir.
Yeah, man.
It is what it is,
And it was what it was.
When you was tearin'
that ass up.
Across the kitchen sink, huh?
So, how you
gonna pay for this, man?
How's your cash flow?
I don't know, man.
It's not that great.
That's what I figured.
Hey, yo.
You should have
got this shit done in Vegas.
They got slot machines
in the abortion clinic in Vegas.
You know what I'm saying?
Cha-Ching!
They give you a chance to get
your money back in Vegas.
A lot of the doctors will go
double or nothing with you, too,
'Cause they gamble.
Great.
Hey, hey. I got
the hook-Up, though.
If you want to take care of it,
I could sell you, like,
500 stacks.
Y'all like hook-Ups?
You know, like,
free... free 99? You know?
What are you talking about?
This right here.
Fuck all these books.
I can take care
of this right now.
You know
what I'm saying? Ha ha!
Oh, my god.
Yeah!
You wanna do this?
Are you serious?
Are you out of your mind?
No, I ain't out of my mind.
I'm trying to save y'all
some money, man.
Are you kidding me?
No, baby. Come on.
We can get it
crackin' right now.
Go around the corner,
I snatch that bad boy
right up out of her ass.
Oh, my god.
Are you joking?
No, I ain't joking, man.
This is how I make my money.
Come on, now.
Let's get it crackin'.
No, no, no. That is horrible.
Oh, baby. I ain't mean
to scare you.
I'm just trying to help you...
Put it... put that away.
Oh, y'all don't wanna do this?
That is so offensive.
You already at the slaughterhouse.
Let's get this crackin'.
Please put that away.
This conversation...
That is so rude.
I... I tell you what.
I tell you what.
How about I do
a 2 for 1 special,
With her and this
other ho over here.
Who can't keep her legs closed,
And we get it crackin'.
Like "invasion of the body
snatchers" up in here.
How about that?
Holiday special.
Excuse me?
A whore?
Oh, I... no, I didn't...
I said "ho," not "whore."
There's a difference, baby.
I can use one end for you
and one end for her,
And we ain't gotta keep sterilizing
this motherfucker with my weed lighter.
You understand what I'm saying?
We could do this right now
for $100 straight up. No tax.
- Please go away.
- Are you out of your mind?
I tell you what,
I cut a deal with you
'Cause this is a recession.
How about I just kick her
down the stairs for 50?
- This conversation is...
- Screw you.
I am getting security.
Oh, you gonna call
security now?
Well, I'm on probation.
I gotta get up out of here.
You know, O.J. Done fucked
it up for everybody.
- [KNOCKING] Security.
- Excuse me.
Y'all need to respect
the recession.
Sir, you need to...
Meet me around the corner
if you change your mind.
We can get it crackin'.
You know what I'm sayin'?
Just leave us alone, please.
Ok. Hey,
you know what?
Keep the hanger.
Keep the hanger.
[GASPS] Ohh.
Things you'll never see.
A beautiful girl...
MAN: Look what
I got for you.
Dating an older man...
Baby, I'm buying this for you.
Who's poor.
No.
Aww.
I don't want you spending
your hard-Earned money on me.
Aww.
Baby.
We've got an agreement.
You put out,
I'll pay your rent.
You hear me, bitch?
Ohh. You don't
want the dress?
Well, fuck it.
Uh-Uh.
[CLATTERING]
Come over here and give me.
That long, beautiful
tongue of yours.
[BOTH MOANING]
[CRASH]
ANNOUNCER: That was...
Things you'll never see.
[HUMMING]
Come get your boat rides.
Free one-Way trips
on a boat.
Who loves boats?
Luxury cruise.
Can I interest anyone
in a luxury cruise.
On a steamliner?
Are you interested
in a boat trip?
Look me in the eye.
That would be
a lot more respectful.
Like you don't know your place.
How are you guys?
Hey.
Can I interest you guys
in a boat ride?
We're giving away
free boat rides today.
- Boat ride?
- Yeah, it's a free boat ride.
It's... it's... we're
trying to get, uh,
What do you guys call yourself?
African-Americans to,
uh, back to Africa.
Um, you know,
where you're from.
Hey, man, I'm from here.
What the hell
are you talking about?
There's been a lot of talk.
About how white people
stole, uh, black people.
And brought them here.
So, we're trying to
make up for those wrongs.
By, um, offering
free trips back.
I'm from here, man.
I'm from this city.
What the fuck are
you talking about?
Please, dr. Huxtable.
Take it down a notch.
Uh, I'm just
trying to help you.
I'm just trying to...
'Cause I don't have 40 acres.
I don't have a mule.
Dude, what is your problem?
Oh, no.
He didn't say that.
It's free, sir.
It's free.
Africa is a wonderful place.
You guys, if you just step on,
We could... we'd have
a great time.
There's tons of stuff in here.
There's malt liquor,
if you guys...
Malt liquor?
Yeah.
I don't drink, all right?
I can't drink.
Hey, calm down.
Fine. Kool-Aid.
Say whatever you want.
But we... we have everything.
If you want to get
your hair done,
There's a salon.
Kool-Aid and malt liquor?
It's called fantastic Sambo's.
Hey, hey, hey!
This is my wife.
No, you need to calm down.
Hey, look.
No, no, no.
Come on. Don't get...
don't get upset, sir.
I'm just trying to be
the nice one here.
I'm just trying to help people.
You're fucking
trying to be nice?
Why don't you get this
piece of shit off the...
I'm trying to,
but I need to fill it up.
We don't have all day.
With what?
What are you going
to fill it up with?
Just come on.
It's a great time.
I wouldn't have came down here.
Did you tell them
about the basketball?
Yeah, we have basketball.
Don't be angry.
We have sunflower seeds,
as well.
If that's at all
of interest to you.
Sir, have you ever
tasted lion meat?
It's delicious.
He said you're number one.
Africa.
Free trips to Africa.
Look at these two.
Hi. Hello.
Hi.
Can I interest, uh,
Can I interest you
in a free boat trip?
Where? Are you guys
with each other?
Where?
Oh, we're giving free,
uh, trips to... to Africa.
To Africa!
What's the situation here?
- What do you mean?
- Hold on. What?
You never get white
guys with black chicks.
Really?
Not since
the next-Door neighbors.
On "the Jefferson's." Listen,
in Africa, you belong.
You won't need
that helmet hair.
You know what?
You talking about I am.
Supposed to be not human?
Holding a watermelon?
You know what? If I come up
that fuckin' plank,
Your ass is going in
that damn water.
Don't let me come up there.
Look, we have chicken,
and I will make you waffles.
Listen, in Africa, your
violence will be rewarded.
Instead of punished.
Violence? Your violent nature.
You know what you need to do?
You need to get your ass
out of here.
Were you a security guard
at the jail she was in?
Are you serious?
What you need to do
is open your eyes.
Do these glasses work?
Let me see.
Do they work?
Oh, please.
Do they work?
I don't think they work.
Do you have
to steal everything?
- Do you want them back?
- Yes, I would.
There.
You can have them back.
Because I am
a civilized person.
I'm not gonna beat your ass
fuckin' senseless.
Civilized people don't
even think about it.
How much shit
do you got back there?
What the fuck, dude?
We have everything
you'd need for the trip.
This is really stupid.
Don't you know we're in the
21st century, all right?
That's what I'm trying to say!
If you bleed, you're red.
If she bleeds,
you're... what the fuck?
Eat it. Ok, ok. All right.
It smells delicious.
Eat it.
Follow it.
Eat...
Eat the fucking chicken,
you goddamn freak.
You can do it.
Eat it.
Come on. Let's just
see how it feels.
If you just...
follow me
What I want you to do...
yes.
I want you to look at people.
And realize
that your ass is not
100% whatever the fuck you are.
Shouldn't you
be keeping your eye on her.
So she doesn't run away?
She's not gonna run away.
You know...
easy, easy.
See, this is the problem.
You guys should be on the boat.
Yeah, she wasn't
into it at all.
Fuckin' wait.
Just fuckin' wait.
Whoo!
It's like they don't know.
We're trying to give a gift.
It is a gift.
You're a good man.
Free trips to Africa.
Who wants a free trip?
Free trips. Hello,
ma'am. How are you?
Hi. Can I interest you in a...
Would you like free stuff?
I love free stuff.
Yeah.
We're giving away,
uh, free trips today.
Free, uh, boat rides.
You guys should go.
You should totally go.
Sounds fun.
Yeah. We only have room
for one more.
So, just her.
I'm really sorry.
Oh, no. My friend
has to come with me.
I know!
Ohh. I know.
I'd love to have you there,
But no, it's just...
It's not really for you.
It's all we
could have right now.
All what?
Just black people.
We're trying to get them
to go back to Africa.
Because, um, well, one,
that's where you're from.
And two, a lot of people
don't want you here.
Are you black?
Just to make sure.
I'm totally
not one of them, but...
Wait. Is this for real?
You know, she's
very light-Skinned.
Well, how... how... what
percentage black are you?
Yeah, she's black.
I have a shade...
Check the shade thing.
Oh, my god!
Sir, this is really fucked up.
- You can't be serious.
- You can't do that.
It is fucked up.
You're, like third from
the... third from the left.
Third from the right.
That's really, yeah.
Let's show her where
she could go.
You'd be in, like, Liberia.
Or one of the outer...
outer nations.
Ok, you... you guys
really have a problem.
In this area.
You don't need to put up
with this bullshit.
You guys are both fucking racists.
Just so you know.
- Uh, I'm racist?
- Yes.
Uh, who's the one trying to
hang out with a black girl.
So she looks better?
What?
Yeah, yeah.
She's my best friend.
Guess what?
Nailed it.
You wanna hang out
with minorities.
So people like you better.
But you're a minority.
You're a Jew.
[SHOUTING] I am not a Jew!
Yeah, well, you look like it.
They're the grossest
of the gross.
Listen, Africa's
an amazing place.
The movies start
10 minutes late,
And you can talk all
the way through them.
Oh, my god!
There's acres of watermelon,
If you're interested
at all in that.
We don't need to...
a watermelon?
Yeah. You wanna eat it?
It's delicious and refreshing.
We have basketball courts.
I'm gonna put this up.
First of all,
you don't even know me.
I can't even believe
you would do this.
Yeah, you don't even know her.
Do you hate watermelon?
I don't even like watermelon.
Come on, Brandi.
You know you wanna go.
So, because I'm black
and fried chicken is...
Is that fried chicken?
Come on.
You guys are ridiculous.
Can you smell it?
Oh, my god.
I cannot believe you.
Fuck you.
You're an asshole.
Come on. Let's... ok.
Come back.
You know what? No.
Fuck you.
Yeah, who are you
to say that this...
You're ridiculous.
I'll teach you how
to play the spoons.
Oh, my god.
You guys.
I cannot believe
you're doing...
Can you imagine
not having to worry.
About the police anymore?
Yeah. I'm gonna fuck you up.
I swear to god.
I'm gonna fuck you up.
Yeah, we're gonna go.
Of course you are.
Violence. It's always
about violence.
Africa.
Free trips to mother Africa.
Jesus, did you see
the size of her ass?
We're gonna be here
another hour.
Africa.
Want to go to Africa?
Anybody?
Anybody? Africa?
Look what I made.
Very nice.
- Free trips to Africa.
- Free.
Who wants
a free trip to Africa?
Free.
Chicken. Get the chicken. Free.
How are you, sir?
Motherfuckers, have you lost
your goddamn mind?
Can we interest you in
our free trip to Africa?
- A free trip to Africa?
- Free.
What the fuck is this shit?
Are you guys
together? Ma'am?
Yeah, this is my lady, homey.
Are you ok, ma'am?
Hey, don't talk
to my lady, homey.
- Are you all right?
- Hey.
Hey, don't talk
to my lady, homey.
Motherfuckin'... motherfucker,
racist piece of shit.
What the fuck is the
matter with you, dog?
Calm down. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Tupac insecure.
What the fuck do you mean,
trying to help me out?
Trying...
no, look.
We have tons of fun
stuff on here.
Why not help your
motherfuckin' ass out, homey?
See? This is
the problem.
Breathe.
All right, easy.
Whoa, whoa,
whoa. Dude.
Dude! Dude!
Hey. Hey.
No, no, no.
Dude, it's a joke!
It's a joke. Look.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Yo.
Fuckin'.
Fuck-Ass
motherfucker.
Kill you, motherfucker.
Hey, hey!
Hey.
Let go. Let go.
Slow down here. Come on.
Come on. Break it up.
Break it up.
Break it up.
Come on.
[INDISTINCT]
Come on, break it up.
Come on. That's enough.
Stop it!
[ALL TALKING AT ONCE]
Just do what he says.
Come on. Let's go.
What the fuck you talking about,
- This is a joke?
- What's going on here?
Stay over there.
Stay over there.
Get back. Get back.
What's going on?
We're doing a
hidden camera show.
We're doing a fucking
hidden camera thing.
Dude, it's...
it's not serious.
You got a permit to be here?
You got a film permit?
No, we don't have
a film permit.
Come on.
You don't have a film permit?
No.
It's all a joke, dude.
But it's not fuckin' funny.
No, no.
Dude, come on.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Dude! Dude! [INDISTINCT]
Motherfucker.
I need backup.
Jesus, Mary.
[SQUEAKING]
You know, this
ain't gonna work.
If the dick don't taste good.
Must you use
your fuckin' finger, man?
Shut up, man.
Nasty motherfucker.
Shh, shh.
Did you really have to use
your finger, nick?
Shut up.
You got a 1/2-Inch spot
on the motherfucker.
You nasty. Ha ha!
This nigger is gay.
I ain't gay.
Your daddy's husband is gay.
[LAUGHING] Come on.
I see why your woman left you.
You can't attract a mouse.
Goddamn. You smell that?
Come on.
You smell that?
Come on, man. Put it
in there further.
That's all the dick you got?
What's that yellow shit dripping out
of there before the fucking cheese?
Hey, he gonna be the first
male with a yeast infection.
[ALL LAUGHING]
Oh! Oh, shit!
[ALL LAUGHING AND CHATTERING]
You all chase that.
Chase that cream.
[LAUGHING]
Get that shit.
You ain't never had
nothin' like this.
Made a date right now.
[LAUGHING]
You got the littlest dick
out of everybody.
Aah!
[LAUGHING]
Uhh!
[INDISTINCT]
It's an experience.
Hey. Hey, hey, hey.
Come on. Come over here.
Come on over here.
Is he eating the cheese
or sucking your dick?
[LAUGHING]
He got cheese all over...
Come on.
He doesn't even work
for his shit.
[LAUGHING]
Oh, shit.
He must have been...
[GASPS]
[LAUGHING]
Get that shit, nigger.
Shh. He's scared now.
Come on, come on.
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Need a bear trap.
[GIGGLING]
Ooh, ooh, ooh,
Got cheese all over my face.
Oh, shit.
Come on.
Ooh, there he go.
Aah!
[ALL SCREAMING]
Dude! Ooh!
[LAUGHING]
Get it off.
Get this shit off!
Get it off!
Get it... get it off!
You touch the motherfucker.
You gonna get it.
Uhh! Shit!
[SHOUTING AND LAUGHING]
No more, man.
[LAUGHING AND HOOTING]
Ooh!
[LAUGHING]
[MIDDLE EASTERN MUSIC PLAYING]
[GROWLING]
[GOAT BLEATING]
U.S. Government.
U.S. Government.
Stay back, please.
Gift. Gift.
Tofa, tofa for you.
He's their problem now.
Oh, no, no, no,
not sand people.
Oh, please, not Arabs.
They smell so bad!
Come on, please!
My Jew taxes pay your salaries!
Please don't go!
Oh, you guys stink so bad,
please. This is like Detroit.
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
Oh, please don't come near me.
Oh, I hate the smell.
I can bring you children. I can
totally bring you children.
Deodorant.
Towels are for washing,
not for wearing.
Oh, I hate Arabs so much!
No!
[SHOUTING]
No, no, no, it's gonna touch.
I know where Jews are.
I can find you Jews.
[ALL SHOUTING]
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
All right,
no one understands you.
Are those even words?
Stand up.
You smell like
a black nightclub.
Your beards are horrible!
Are you one of them females
or the males?
[SPEAKING ARABIC]
You stink when you
talk so much.
Please, put down the guns
and pick up some soap.
No!
[COCKS WEAPON]
[ULULATING] Noooo!
Hmm...
Hmm?
Mmm... ohh...
[ALL CLAMORING]
Lindsay, can we shoot you?
Sure.
[ALL CHATTERING]
This way! This way!
Over here!
Ah, perfect!
Ok, you guys got your shot.
Can I shoot you?
Yeah, sure, here.
Konichiwa, bitch.
Really?
I want you to know
I'm gonna get...
We're out... wrap.
Ok, here we go.
It's his love that
breaks the table.
And then he punches here in
her snatch with... sorry.
[LAUGHING]
You know you don't
want to say it...
Slant-Eyed poontang, slant-Eyed
poontang, slant-Eyed poontang.
Ha ha ha ha ha!
Thank you for
giving me that line.
Enjoy it.
Ha ha ha!
Thank god.
In case you missed it.
[INDISTINCT SONG]
There's all kinds of sex.
With cocky, bears and cubs,
Role play, s& M, leather.
Hand jobs, blow jobs,
all fours. Anal sex.
Let's do it one more time.
But don't do the bears
and cubs. I don't like that.
I don't even know what that is.
[LAUGHTER]
come on and don't get
in danger
I won't let you
Go ahead...
Blow 'em...
Away.
[BUZZING]
That's a cut.
Try it again. There was a fuckin'
chainsaw in the background.
What was that, guys?
Wrong movie.
I would've made up a real
motherfuckin' nigger,
You would have heard me.
You heard me,
motherfucker bitch?
Fuck, kick you in the street.
In the street, nigger!
Yeah, yeah!
Get fucked in the ass.
Oh...
I mean, no, I mean...
Not really, but you know.
I d...
Nigger, you are some
other type of shit.
But what I'm sayin' is, I get
fucked in the ass, but I like it.
Nigger, I'm putting myself
in time-Out.
Shut the fuck up!
[LAUGHING]
What the... ha ha ha!
As we often hear in the
industry, you know, uh...
Roles dry up with your
vajoosh, your puss...
Your pussy.
I'm sorry, I have trouble
saying the word.
Pussy, pussy, pussy!
Ok, sorry.
Ok.
[LAUGHING]
All right.
I quit.
[LAUGHING]
The... I...
You know, uh, maybe, you know,
We could get a job at like
a porn shop or something.
You know, like, you know,
this whole thing.
Like I don't want to be subservient
to bob's fuckin' playlist,
You know what I'm sayin'?
I'll be back when my little
blue pill kicks in. Ok?
Hang on.
[GIGGLING]
Isn't it delicious?
Man, you look just like
Marilyn Monroe.
[CHATTER AND LAUGHTER]
Wait...
Action!
You feel the breeze
from the subway?
Uh-Huh.
Isn't it delicious?
Man, you look just like
Marilyn Monroe on that grate.
The grate again.
We both fucked that one up.
She has no kind of...
Huh? Hello?
Hey, hey!
Bro, what the fuck?
What are you,
a prosthetics dealer?
Fuck, was that the guy
from shamwow?
[LAUGHTER]
Come on, feed 'em
the matzo brei...
Come on.
Come on, little jewess.
That's right.
I feel sorry for you.
You're pathetic.
Why am I pathetic?
You're a nutcase.
I'm trying to do
something proactive.
You're a nutcase.
What the...
They got the dollar!
They got the fuckin' dollar.
Those crafty motherfuckers.
They fucking got the dollar.
Goddamn it!
I got nothin'.
[LAUGHTER]
Cut! Cut!
End scene.
This revolution
starts when you're movin'
don't wanna step to me
unless you plan on losin'
not here to brag,
not here for thrills
I'm here to battle, baby,
I dance to kill
fall in, shakin' like a leaf
bucklin' at the knees,
stop dragging your feet
time to go all in
time for standing tall,
move to kill 'em all
no win, lose, or draw
get your back off the wall
get your, get your, get your
back, get your back off the wall
we dig them trenches
so they be trippin'
I'm on the front lines
I seen 'em flinchin'
annihilation of the enemy
wrath pours down
when I move my feet
all my new recruits
now you're in my troop
shake 'em in their boots
time to go all in
they can scratch and claw
we ain't backin' off
time to lay down the law
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall,
get your back off the wall
get your, get your back,
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall,
you get your back off the wall
get your back
off the wall, wall, wall
get your back off the wall
you get, you get your,
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall,
get your back off the wall
get your, get your back,
get your back off the wall
get your, get your back
get your back off the wall
we dig them trenches
so they be trippin'
I'm on the front lines
I seen them flinchin'
annihilation of the enemy
wrath pours down
when I move my feet
all my new recruits
now you're in my troop
shake 'em in their boots
time to go all in
they can scratch and claw
we ain't backin' off
time to lay down the law
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall,
get your back off the wall
get your, get your back,
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall,
you get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall
get your back off
the wall, wall, wall
get your back off the wall
get your, get your back,
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall,
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall,
get your back off the wall
get your back off the wall,
get your back off the wall
get your, get your back
off the wall
get your, get your back
get your back off the wall
get your, get your back
get your back off the wall
get your, get your
get your back off the wall
get your, get your
get your back off the wall
get your, get your back
get your back off the wall
no win, lose, or draw
no win, lose, or draw /div