1
Tell me, how'd a nice girl like you
get into a racket like this?
I was studying at the Paris Conservatory.
I was going to be a concert pianist.
Chopin and Debussy, and like that.
And then the night of my first recital,
the piano cover fell on my hand.
Three broken fingers and a broken dream.
After that I didn't care what happened...
...as long as I could feed
myself and my little dog.
Thank you.
Do you mind if I ask you
a personal question?
You mean, why does a girl like me
have to do this for a living?
Well, actually, I'm Belgian. My parents
were missionaries in the Congo.
I don't wanna talk about that.
- I understand.
- So now there's just me and my sister.
She's in the hospital.
Needs three transfusions a day.
D'you know how much
a pint of blood costs these days?
Thank you.
Sorry, pooch. What's his name?
Her name. Coquette.
- And what's yours?
- Irma. They call me Irma la Douce.
That means Irma the Sweet.
I don't know why.
I know why. How much is that, in dollars?
Five dollars. Actually,
I don't even know my real name.
I was brought up in an orphanage near
Cherbourg - it was destroyed on D-day.
I've been sending money to help rebuild
it. I've already paid for a whole wing.
Uh...
That's all I have on me, ma'am.
Actually, it was bombed by the Eighth Air
Force. Not that I blame you Americans.
But if you could see those poor orphans,
sleeping on the floor, the rain coming in.
There are no beds yet and no roof.
Uh...
Do y'all take traveller's cheques?
This, then,
is the story of Irma la Douce.
A story of passion,
bloodshed, desire and death.
Everything, in fact,
that makes life worth living.
The place is Paris, the time
is five o'clock in the morning.
You may have read in travel folders
that Paris is a city that never sleeps.
Don't you believe it.
At this time of the day
there is nothing doing...
... unless you're working for
the department of sanitation.
If you want a nightcap
at Maxim's, it's too late.
It's been closed for hours.
If you want to jump off
the Eiffel Tower, it's too early.
It won't be open for hours.
So, if you're looking for a little action,
forget the high-rent district.
You'd better come to our neighborhood.
This is Les Halles,
the wholesale food market.
We call it the stomach of Paris.
Keep your Champs lyses
and your palace in Versailles.
This is the place for me..
Brawling, vulgar, smelly, but alive.
Beef from Charollais,
pork from Prigord...
... lamb from Brittany, veal from Normandy.
Brains and kidneys and tripe.
Pigs' feet and calves' heads
waiting for sauce vinaigrette.
Salmon from the Loire,
sole from the Channel...
... lobsters from Corsica...
... oysters from Dieppe,
sardines from Lorient.
Asparagus from Argenteuil,
oranges from Valencia...
... melons from Cavaillon,
cabbage from Aubervilliers.
But man does not live by cabbage alone.
And if that's what you're in the market for,
just step into the Rue Casanova.
This is where the girls are,
or, as we say, the "poules".
You can have your choice of
Kiki the Cossack, Amazon Annie...
... Lolita, Suzette Wong,
Mimi the Maumau...
... and then, of course,
there's Irma la Douce.
She was born here, in Les Halles,
in a truck behind the fish market.
Like all the others, she takes her coffee
break in the bistro across the street.
This is the owner.
He is known as Moustache.
According to police records,
he is a Romanian chicken thief...
... named Constantinescu,
but when he bought this place...
... it was called "Chez Moustache" and
it was cheaper to grow a moustache...
... than to buy a new sign.
Sometimes, at dawn, rich slummers
drop in for a bowl of onion soup.
But mostly the clientele consists
of the "poules" and their "macs".
You know what a "mac" is?
How do you say it in English?
A protector, a consort,
a business manager?
Well, stick around, you'll get the idea.
- How are we doin'?
- Not bad.
Mostly tips. I had
some real pigeons tonight.
- Sometimes I wish you were twins.
- Thanks.
- What's that?
- What's what? Oh, that.
The last one didn't have any more money,
so he gave me a cheque.
Now is that nice, Irma,
holding out on me?
- It's only ten dollars.
- And you weren't gonna tell me about it?
I was gonna put it down
as a deposit, on a hair dryer.
A hair dryer?! We're partners, Irma.
You wouldn't wanna cheat me?
- Let go, Hippolyte.
- There's such a thing as ethics.
You're hurting me, you big ox!
If you don't like the way I treat you,
why don't you get yourself another guy?
- I will one of these days.
- Why wait? Why not leave me now?
I'd take her any time.
Oh, you would?
- It was just a joke, Hippolyte.
- A joke?
So how come nobody's laughing?
Now go back to work.
Ox.
And so it was one big,
happy family around here..
The "macs", the "poules" and the "flics"...
... or as you would say, the cops.
Your statesmen and politicians keep
talking about peaceful coexistence...
... but here, in our milieu,
we really practise it.
The attitude of the police
is live and let live.
And some of them make
a pretty good living at it.
Every other Friday the "flics" would raid
Rue Casanova, just for the record.
A few "poules" would be hauled to
the station, they'd pay a small fine...
... and 24 hours later
they'd be back on the street.
It was a nice, friendly,
civilised arrangement.
Everybody looked the other way,
everybody kept his mouth shut...
... nobody got hurt,
except maybe an occasional fly.
And then, one day, disaster.
An honest policeman came on the beat.
Coquette. Come here, Coquette.
You naughty girl.
Pardon me, do you have a licence?
- A licence? No.
- It's a violation of ordinance number 56.
Oh, usually they let us get away with it.
Not me. And according to the law,
you're supposed to keep it on a leash.
On a leash?
Oh! Oh, of course.
- I'll remember that.
- Now, just a moment.
What are all you girls doing around here
at this hour of the morning?
I don't know about them,
I'm walking my dog.
- Oh, I see.
- I have to take her out all the time.
- She has kidney stones.
- That's a shame.
Look, it... if you
don't mind my saying so...
Oh, I'm sorry.
I've never seen a girl
in green stockings before.
It matches the ribbon and my underwear.
Green underwear?
- You're new around here, aren't you?
- It's my first day.
- I thought so.
- I've been on the force for six months.
I was stationed at the Bois de Boulogne,
by the lake, where the children play?
- That's where I got this medal.
- For keeping kids off the grass?
I saved a boy from drowning,
mouth-to-mouth respiration.
So they thought I was ready for
bigger things and transferred me here.
- Well, you're going to like it here.
- I'm not so sure.
If I were you, I'd exercise
that dog somewhere else.
- Why?
- Those girls over there.
Something tells me they're streetwalkers.
- No?
- Yes. I can spot 'em six blocks away.
Say, Irma, I just got off work,
so if you're not busy...
- I beg your pardon?
- It's me, Andr, wholesale artichokes.
- I don't need any.
- What the matter with you?
You want me to take my business to Kiki?
- Is this man annoying you?
- It's all right. Not now. Come back later.
Later? I've only got a half-hour.
Look, Officer, there's
a truck double-parked there.
- Now, why don't you do your duty?
- Maybe I will.
- He takes his work very seriously.
- I try.
- See you again sometime.
- I wouldn't be surprised.
- What'll it be, Officer? Cognac?
- No, no. I never drink when I'm on duty.
In fact, I never drink when I'm off duty.
Maybe just a little glass of Vichy water.
Looking for something, Officer?
- What do you know about that hotel?
- Casanova slept there in 1763.
I'm not talking about 1763. Since
I've been here, four couples walked in.
Monday is always a slow night.
Just between us, would you have even
a vague idea what they're doing in there?
I have a very definite idea.
They're making love.
- That's illegal.
- Shows you the kind of world we live in.
Love is illegal, but not hate.
That you can do anywhere,
anytime, to anybody.
But if you want a little warmth, a shoulder
to cry on, a smile to cuddle up with...
...you have to hide in dark corners
like a criminal. Pfui!
- I wouldn't call that love.
- Spoken like a petit bourgeois.
It's flagrant vice
and must be stamped out.
My dear boy, your thinking is not
only fuzzy, it's economically unsound.
And I know what I'm talking about.
I used to be professor
of economics at the Sorbonne.
- A professor?
- For six years, but that's another story.
Then you should agree decent citizens
have a right to be protected from this.
Let's take one, married for 20 years,
works hard all day selling baby carriages.
In the evening he wants
a little fun, companionship.
So he comes to Rue Casanova. He meets
a girl, she gives him companionship...
...he gives her money.
She gives it to her boyfriend...
...the boyfriend spends it on drinks,
on cuff links, at the racetrack.
Sometimes he even pays
a little money to a policeman.
- Bribe a policeman?
- That's the beauty of it.
The policeman takes it and buys
a baby carriage from the decent citizen.
Thusly, money is kept in circulation.
Everybody's prosperous,
everybody's happy.
- I don't believe it.
- It's elementary.
I don't believe there are
policemen who take money.
Oh, not all policemen take money.
Some of the higher-ups have a more
intimate arrangement with the girls.
Well, there's one policeman
around here who isn't corrupt.
You wouldn't know the number
of the police station, would you?
Central 5288. But I wouldn't be
so impetuous if I were you.
Have your Vichy.
Desk sergeant? It's Officer Patou. I want
a police van sent to the Hotel Casanova.
Violation of section 34
of the criminal code.
Not littering the sidewalks, that's section
43. This is lewd and immoral conduct.
There goes another couple.
I'm gonna raid the place.
You're asking for trouble, my friend.
To be too honest in a dishonest world is
like plucking a chicken against the wind.
You'll only wind up
with a mouthful of feathers.
Don't worry, old man.
I know what I'm doing.
- Do you have a fire alarm here?
- Oh, a fire?
Oh, yes. It's right over there.
Yes, Officer.
Oh, it's in perfect working order.
Wh... wh... where is the fire?
Right here.
Oh, no, that's hot! It's hot!
Oh, no, you don't. You're under arrest.
All right! All right, everybody.
Everybody, the party's over!
- Girls on this side, men over here.
- Hey, what is this?
- A raid.
- On a Monday?
- It's supposed to be every other Friday.
- Can I go and get my stockings?
- No. Come on.
- You oughta pay me half.
- It wasn't my fault.
- I don't know what she's talkin' about.
- I was up there unpacking my samples.
- Come on.
Over.
You oughta be ashamed of yourself,
scaring a poor dog like that.
They ought to take that dog away
from you - you're not a fit mother.
Quiet, quiet!
I'll let you men go. We'll need you
as witnesses. Your name?
Jacques Casanova.
- What's yours?
- Andr Casanova.
- I suppose you're Pierre Casanova?
- No, I am General Lafayette.
Retired.
- All right, let's start all over again.
- And what's your name?
I'm Officer... Just a moment,
who's investigating, you or me?
It's an outrage. I'll see you lose your job.
- Shut up.
- Do you know who you're talking to?
Trying to bribe an officer, eh?
Back. Everybody, back. All right,
OK, ladies, let's go. Come on. Back.
- In we go.
- Not so rough.
- Up, up, up.
- Watch that baton.
- Don't handle the merchandise.
- In you get.
- Take it easy, you.
- Come on.
Let's go, let's go. Come on. Here we go.
Let's go now. Here we go. Just a minute.
- No smoking in a police van.
- Who do you think you are? De Gaulle?
- Inside. Come on, come on.
- What do they expect us to do now?
- Collect unemployment insurance?
- It's that new flic.
One of these days I'm gonna
catch him outta uniform, and then...
Up, up, up. Let's go.
Who does this belong to?
Officer, would you zip my dress up?
Will you hold this, please?
Hey!
Say, Officer, do you really
have to take us to the station?
The last time we were arrested,
we drove right on to Deauville.
What a weekend!
18 girls and three policemen.
And they weren't nearly
as cute as you are.
- Wouldn't ya like a harem?
- We'll make you feel like a king.
King Farouk.
Oh, look, he's blushing.
- I guess he's too young.
- Maybe if we put a moustache on him...
...he'd look older.
All right, all right!
One false move out of any one of ya,
and I'm gonna let you have it.
That's enough, girls! Leave him alone.
- He can take care of himself.
- No, he can't.
You know what he was doing before this?
Policing a children's playground.
Now, now, kids, stay out of the bushes.
- Don't take candy from strangers.
- And no playing doctor.
~ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ~
~ Little birdie, fly away with me ~
~ We will build a little nest
We will build a little nest ~
~ Get the best
Get the best ~
~ In my nest
In my nest ~
- Here, you dropped this.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're the only nice one.
- They were just pulling your leg.
And it almost came off.
Sorry I have to put you in jail.
Oh, I don't mind. I can use a little rest.
Oh. Officer Nestor Patou checking in
16 females suspected of lewd vagrancy.
- And one poodle.
- How many? 16?
Yes, Monday is a slow night,
but I'll do better next time.
- You will, huh?
- Definitely.
Hello?
About the little one - don't worry,
we'll feed her around here.
Thank you, but none of that
horse meat you give police dogs.
- She's got kidney stones, remember?
- Hey, Patou!
- The inspector wants to see you.
- The inspector? Did you hear that?
- The inspector wants to see me.
- Maybe they've given you a medal.
Do you think so? No, not on my first day.
- In there.
- All right.
Come in!
Officer Patou reporting.
You sent for me... sir.
- So you're the new man?
- Yes, sir.
I've been wondering what you looked like.
- Well, you've seen me before.
- I have?
Remember? At the Hotel Casanova.
What was I doing at the Hotel Casanova?
- I don't know, but I was raiding the place.
- You were. Who authorised the raid?!
I was using my own judgement, sir. It
was an obvious violation of section 34.
We can get a conviction,
now we have you as a witness.
And look at your uniform! It's disgraceful!
There were 16 of them in the van,
and they were resisting arrest, sir.
And I was resisting, too.
I didn't lose my head,
just my gun, but I got it back.
- Take off your cap when talking to me!
- Yes, sir.
Hey, chri, you oughta
get outta those wet clothes.
I'll help you.
Look who's here.
~ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ~
~ Little birdie, fly away with me ~
A glass of Vichy, right?
Cognac, please, to get the taste
of feathers out of my mouth.
~ Little birdie, pretty little birdie ~
~ Little birdie, fly away with me ~
- You off duty?
- Permanently.
- I've been bounced from the police force.
- You don't say?
Had the goods on me. Insubordination,
accepting bribes and a missing button.
So they took away my medal,
threw me out of the barracks.
Reminds me of when I was drummed out
of the army. Marrakech, you know.
I was a colonel in the foreign legion.
Before or after you were
a professor of economics?
No, in between I was a croupier
in Monte Carlo, but that's another story.
Oh. Well... one more.
So, what's your next move?
I've been lookin' for a job,
applied to all the bureaus -
customs inspection, sanitation - but once
you've been dishonourably discharged...
...they won't even let you
clean the sewers.
I hate to see a young man like you
take a defeatist attitude.
The world is full of opportunities.
Just look around.
There's one-armed Jojo,
used to be a safecracker...
...till he put a little too much
nitroglycerin in a vault.
And Casablanca Charlie. Five years ago
he walked in with holes in his shoes...
...and a pocketful of dirty postcards.
Or take Hippolyte the Ox, used to be
a purse-snatcher around the market.
They all started at the bottom, but they
had perseverance and drive and vision.
Now they've got it made. They're retired.
They let their girls work for them.
I'm afraid I wasn't
cut out for a life of crime.
There you go, selling yourself short.
Oh, maybe I could snatch a purse
or crack a small safe...
...but to sit around in a striped suit
while some girl out in the street... never.
You're being petit bourgeois again.
Life is total war, my friend. Nobody has
a right to be a conscientious objector.
- Cigarettes.
- A pack of Gitanes coming up.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Nasty night, isn't it?
- It never fails.
Wouldn't you know, just
this afternoon I gave her a permanent.
- Put them on my bill.
- Uh...
Can I buy you a cheap drink?
Why not? Do you think
you can afford a peppermint tea?
- Certainly.
- One peppermint tea coming up.
- Here we are again.
- Again? Have we been together before?
I guess you don't
recognise me out of uniform.
Uniform? Oh, about a month ago.
You're that sailor with Brigitte Bardot
tattooed on your chest?
No, it was just this morning...
I arrested you.
Oh. Oh, of course.
I'm sorry, I never remember a face.
Oh... How long did they keep you
in the police station?
- About an hour.
- I was out much faster than that.
- Sugar?
- Thanks.
Say, that hotel, tell me,
what are the rates?
- Why?
- I'm lookin' for a room.
They charge by the hour.
Nobody can afford it.
Besides, they don't take
anybody with luggage.
Irma!
Let's have it.
- Is that all?
- It's the weather. Nothin's happening.
Well, get out and make it happen.
- Do you mind if I dry out first?
- On your way. I haven't won all evening.
When I walked the beat on a night
like this, I wore two pairs of socks.
- You oughta try it.
- And long underwear?
By all means. Also, I'd put a newspaper
inside my coat to keep my chest warm.
Look, mister, I'm in a very
competitive business.
Well, at least you get indoors
once in a while and off your feet.
- I'm sorry.
- Forget it.
You oughta cut down on it.
I mean, one after another.
- Mind your own business.
- If you wanna smoke yourself to death...
I met fellas that asked me to do a lot of
crazy things, but not give up smokin'.
Well, I don't mean to get personal,
it's just that I like you.
In Dijon there was this girl
I was in love with...
- And I remind you of her.
- You don't look anything like her at all.
But she was a heavy smoker, 60
cigarettes a day, coughin' all the time.
What are you hangin' around for?
I said out.
- Please, you're interrupting.
- All right, we were just talking.
- About smoking.
- Talk on your own time.
I would strongly advise you
to let go of the lady.
- Oh, it's you.
- I'll give you exactly five seconds. One...
...two, three, four... five!
Well, that's better.
Outside.
And don't come back with
any excuses. I need 100 francs.
Hey, watch it. This is a new hat.
Had enough?
Now I'm mad.
Now I am really mad.
And when I get mad, I'm like a tiger!
Do you hear that, boys? He's a tiger.
Hey, girls! A fight!
All right... who's next?
Cognac.
Would you care
for another peppermint tea?
No, thank you.
Put everything on my bill.
- Shall we go?
- Might as well.
I'm getting bored with this place.
- Where are we goin'?
- To my apartment.
- I thought you lived in the hotel.
- That's my business address.
Come on, you're getting wet.
Don't expect too much
when we get up there.
No, not at all.
- I have no rugs, no icebox.
- As long as you have an empty couch.
No couch.
I also have to get curtains.
They're working across the street,
repairing the roof, and I sleep in the nude.
Well, it's about time they started fixing
up... You mean you don't wear anything?
Nothing but a sleeping mask.
Oh.
That's all right, because the workmen
wouldn't recognise you anyway.
You know what I've got?
An electric blanket.
It was a present from somebody
with the American Embassy.
That must be nice,
an electric blanket on a night like this.
Only it doesn't work. They've got
a different kind of electricity. AC or DC.
- That's too bad.
- Don't worry, you won't be cold.
I'm not worried.
It's very attractive. It has atmosphere.
Used to be a studio.
A painter once lived here.
Poor guy, he was starving.
Tried everything, even cut his ear off.
- Van Gogh?
- No, I think his name was Schwartz.
Would you believe it, I'm an artist myself.
- I believe it.
- See this bed?
Yes?
I painted it.
Oh. Oh!
Very good job.
It looked just awful when
I found it at the flea market.
- Can I borrow a newspaper?
- You wanna read?
No, of course not.
Can I take your stockings off?
Sure, go ahead.
You really are shy, aren't you?
Me? Shy?
Not particularly. It's... it's just...
the kind of world we live in.
What I mean is, if you hate somebody,
you can do that any time, any place, but...
...if you like somebody,
you gotta hide in dark corners.
You know, I'm sort of glad about
that girl in Dijon, with the cough.
- You are?
- Because frankly, in the police van...
...I thought that you'd
never in your life, uh...
Oh, she wasn't the only girl.
I've had more than one girl.
- How many?
- Altogether?
- Oh, let me see.
- Three?
Not as many as that. That is...
What's your name?
Nes... Nestor. Nestor Patou.
Well, don't take all night, Nestor Patou.
I won't.
Didn't you say you had a sleeping mask?
You're really something.
What's going on? What are you doing?
Irma!
Irma!
Irma!
Irma!
Irma!
Irma...
Where are you, Irma?!
Where are you, Irma? Hm?
Hm?
What are you doing way over there?
It's four o'clock in the afternoon.
- Come back.
- What's gotten into you?
I don't know, I guess
I've become an addict.
Irma!
- What do you want?
- I wanna talk to you!
You go to hell!
I'm coming up to get my clothes.
Just a minute.
- Who is it? That big ox again?
- Uh-huh.
If you have something
personal to discuss...
No, stay right where you are.
Catch.
But what about my suits
and my silk shirts and my jewellery?
This is what you came with
and this is what you're leaving with.
Why, you little...
You're lucky I don't
take back that gold tooth!
I'm gonna come up there
and break your arm!
Oh, you are
Tiger.
Come on out, Tiger.
You want my friend here
to beat you up again?
You'll be hearing from me.
And stay away!
- You could beat him up again, right?
- Naturally.
It's just that I don't like to
pick on anybody who isn't my size.
How did you get mixed up with
a character like that, anyway?
Should've seen the one I had before.
He was not only mean...
...he used to run around with
other women, and on my money.
Why do you have to have anybody at all?
Everybody needs somebody.
Like Coquette needs me.
Who wants to be a stray dog?
You've got to belong to someone,
even if he kicks you once in a while.
- Don't you have any family?
- No.
My mother was a very successful woman.
She used to have the same spot
outside the hotel that I do.
Then one day she met a guy,
fell in love with him and quit.
- That's very romantic.
- Romantic? It's stupid.
Gave up her career - for what?
Some slob from the market...
...dragged around heavy sides
of beef till he dropped dead.
It was too late for Momma
to make a comeback.
She wound up as a cashier
in the fish market.
Only smart thing she ever did
was not marry my father.
You mean you're not le... legitimate?
That's right.
You'd think with a background like that
I'd have turned out no good.
I know you're doing very well, but a girl
like you - there's other kinds of jobs.
This isn't just a job, it's a profession.
Of course.
Somebody has to do these things but,
in your case, now that I know you better...
I get that all the time.
The other night I met a man...
...who thought I was too good for this,
and you know what he does?
- He's a mortician. Now I ask you.
- Ask me what?
Why is it nine out of ten try to reform me?
You're not one of those, are you?
Who, me? Oh, no.
I used to be one of those.
Petit bourgeois, but that was yesterday.
I know better now.
I don't think she cares for me.
You two better make friends
if you're gonna live here.
- Live here?
- Why? Don't you like the idea?
Sure.
I like the idea, it's just that I had no idea.
- Is this all you've got?
- Just my old uniform and my toilet kit.
Try one of those suits in the closet.
Go ahead.
Let's see how you look in the brown one
with the pinstripes. He hardly ever wore it.
Said it was too conservative.
I'm afraid the sleeves may be a little...
Don't worry about that.
There's a brown derby that goes with it.
- What are the glasses for?
- The races.
Oh. Gee, they look very powerful.
- Oops.
- What's the matter?
Wrong end.
- You want me to turn around?
- No, I mean the glasses.
I'll bet nobody ever
saw you like this before.
- You'd lose.
- Through field glasses?
No bet.
When I first met you, I thought
you were pretty. I was totally wrong.
You're beautiful.
- You're outta your mind or out of focus.
- Without make-up, you look about 14.
I wore make-up when I was 14,
so I could pass for 17.
- Then, by the time I was 17...
- Never mind.
I don't wanna hear about it.
- This coat looks ridiculous.
- Well, have it fixed.
Just take it into Maurice the tailor.
All right, but I won't wear the hat.
But you have to. It all goes together.
The suit, the hat, the glasses.
For when you go to the racetrack.
The racetrack? Who's got time for
the racetrack? I gotta get myself a job.
- What do you mean, a job?
- I can find something around the market.
Unloadin' trucks, cleanin' the stalls or...
What's the matter?
Did I say somethin' wrong?
- You're trying to make me feel cheap.
- Cheap?
How would it look if I let you go to work?
D'you want the other girls to think
I can't support my man?
I want you to be better dressed
than anybody else.
I want you to have more money in
your pockets. I wanna be proud of you.
But, Irma, you don't understand.
I never felt like this about anybody...
That's why I'm gonna work twice as hard
for you as I ever did for any of the others.
Your turn.
Hey, Tiger.
I don't feel like playin' any more.
Get somebody else.
- Give me a drink.
- Cognac? Pernod? Calvados?
Yeah, and in that order.
Why don't you shut
that damn jukebox off?
What's the problem?
You've got a gold mine working for you.
- And shut yourself off, too.
- Say, I'm lookin' for Irma.
- The one with the bow-wow?
- She's not here. Go away.
I've been away: Tangiers, Naples, Cairo.
I met up with a lotta dames,
but there's nothing like that Irma.
- Get outta here.
- What is this?
I know about you. You're the one with
Brigitte Bardot tattooed on your chest.
Hey, you crazy?
- She must know two sailors.
- A hell of a way to treat a customer.
I'm so jealous I'm goin' outta my mind.
You must be. A mac falling in love
with his poule. You're like an impresario.
You're handling Pavlova and
you want her to dance just for you?
It's a God-given talent. It was
meant to be shared with the public.
Again.
- Hey! There's the bow-wow!
- Come on, sailor, keep rowing.
Whew! What a night! Everybody
seems to have the same idea.
Always happens when there's a full moon.
No time to catch my breath.
- How's my baby?
- I'm fine.
No, he isn't. As a matter of fact,
he's very grouchy.
We can fix that.
I have a little present for you.
- What is it?
- A stick pin. You put it in your tie.
- I don't need it.
- Yes, you do.
Mimi got Casablanca Charlie one.
This one has real sapphires.
- Let's go.
- Go where?
- Home.
- It's only one o'clock.
Pack of Gitanes.
You know I never quit before five.
- Take the night off.
- Just walk off the job, just like that?
- Disappoint all my regulars?
- To hell with them!
Why don't we go away
somewhere for a week?
A week? What are we gonna live on?
If I stay away that long, I'll lose my spot.
- She's got the best location.
- We never have any time together.
You're out there all night,
you sleep all day.
If only Monsieur Camembert were
still around. You remember him?
- Do I? Big spender.
- Who is Monsieur Camembert?
That's what we called him. He was
a cheese wholesaler at the market.
He used to see me twice a week,
always gave me 500 francs...
...so I didn't have to see anybody else.
I had lots of time then.
I went to cooking school,
I knitted sweaters, played solitaire.
He was such a nice man.
What happened to him?
His wife died,
so he stopped coming around.
It was a great loss to all of us.
Hey, girls. Here comes
another busload of tourists.
Irma... stay here.
You're sweet. Kiss me.
You know, I've been thinking.
Maybe you're right. I'm gonna give it up.
You are?
I promise you, this is absolutely
the last pack I'll ever smoke.
All right, we're going.
See you later.
Must be German tourists.
Short leather pants.
Shut up! Tourists, sailors, wholesalers!
I'd like to kill 'em all.
- Listen to him, Jack the Ripper.
- What am I gonna do?
Suppose there was just one man,
a rich customer who gave her 500 francs.
- Would that make you any happier?
- No.
Maybe it would make me
a little less miserable.
How about Monsieur Barnathan,
the goose-liver king?
That nasty old man with the gout?
She wouldn't like it.
Monsieur Leonelli, owns six restaurants,
comes every morning to do the market?
- I don't know him.
- A tall young man, very good-looking.
I wouldn't like it.
What about one of those
Englishmen who drop in here?
You know, Rolls-Royce,
Oxford, Coldstream Guards.
- They're harmless enough.
- You don't understand.
I don't want anybody
to make love to her, except me.
Sentimental slob.
I say there, old chap, I'addition.
That's two onion soups,
a bottle of wine, 15 francs.
Capital onion soup, capital.
Pity we don't have rubber pockets,
we could smuggle some back to London.
An Englishman?
Maybe that wouldn't be such a bad idea.
- It's worth a try. I say, there!
- No, no, no.
No?
Listen, Moustache, would you lend me
500 francs? That's the perfect solution.
You give me the money, I give it to Irma,
Irma gives it back to me...
...and I give it back to you. It's very simple.
- What?
- Don't you see?
Irma's going to have a rich lover
and it's going to be me.
- You're mad.
- Yes, I'm mad!
I'm desperate. This is the only way out,
and you're gonna help me.
Let's hear it again.
The rain in Spain
stays mainly in the plain.
- No, no, through the nose.
- The rain in Spain...
And show me some teeth.
The rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain.
- By George, you haven't got it.
- I haven't?
Well, to a lord, you wouldn't be
a lord, but maybe to Irma.
Don't worry, I've seen
every English movie in town.
- Hold still, Your Lordship.
- Tell me once more, where is my castle?
- In... in... Worcestershire?
- No, that's the sauce. In Yorkshire.
- I thought that was a pudding.
- I've done all I can.
Well, let's see. Homburg, umbrella.
- Where's my 500 francs?
- You mean, my 500 francs.
- Thank you, old chip.
- Not old chip, old chap!
- And not that way. On the lift.
- On the what?
The elevator!
Now then, shall we have a go at it?
This may be the biggest setback
for the British since Dunkirk.
I know, I was there.
Last man to be evacuated.
But that's another story.
Hello, Uncle. Lookin' for a little fun?
- Quite.
- Am I your type?
Not quite. Cheerio, old chip.
- Got the time, mister?
- Indeed, but not the inclination.
- Good show.
- Anything I can do for you?
No, thank you. Just browsing.
I say, there, would you call
that a miniature or a toy?
That's not a toy. That's a real live dog.
- I have a dog myself.
- A poodle?
No. The hound of the Baskervilles.
Magnificent beast.
- But then again, so are you.
- You must be British.
Terribly so. Rolls-Royce, you know,
Oxford, Coldcream Guards.
Tell me, are you booked?
- No.
- In that case... I mean, would you?
- That is, could we?
- Why not?
- What did you say your name was?
- Irma. They call me Irma la Douce.
Well, if you don't mind, Miss la Douce,
I'd rather not introduce myself.
- I don't mind.
- In my situation a man must be discreet.
- You may call me... Lord X.
- Lord X. Sure.
No, no, no, no, no, my dear,
that shan't be necessary.
What's the matter?
All I really want is
a bit of companionship...
...a shoulder to cry on,
a smile to lean against.
Say, what does that
X stand for, eccentric?
Let me ask you something, my dear.
Do you find me repulsive?
No, not at all. You're rather nice-looking,
for a lord your age.
Thank you. You see,
my wife, Lady X, she does.
- Does what?
- Finds me repulsive.
Ignores me completely. Spends
all of her time cultivating the garden.
And what's worse...
cultivating the gardener.
- The gardener?
- The other day I was watching them...
...from the turret of the castle.
They were in the flower bed together...
...and he was pruning her begonias.
- They oughta be ashamed.
Yes, and it was such a jolly marriage,
those first few years.
We'd sit in front of the fire and play
double solitaire and Chinese chequers.
Solitaire? I play solitaire.
Capital! Could we?
That is, uh, would you? I mean, shall we?
I don't care, as long as
you're paying for my time.
Don't worry about the money.
You take the red, I'll take the blue, hm?
I once knew a gentleman and all he'd
do is scatter some marbles on the floor...
...and make me
pick them up with my toes.
How odd.
- I never played double solitaire before.
- We play off on each other's aces, hm?
The rain in Spain stays
mainly in the plain, you know.
- No, I didn't know.
- Hm, it's a fact.
That's where I met my wife,
in Spain, in the rain, in the plain.
I was stationed in Gibraltar.
- Your wife, Lady X, is she beautiful?
- Very, and very passionate.
So I can't really blame her.
You see, I came back
from the war a shattered man.
- I was wondering about your eye.
- Oh, bit of detached retina.
Happened at Navarone. Those beastly
guns popping off all the time.
I have a silver plate in this elbow.
Sink the Bismarck, that was.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- I have one eye, one elbow, it's not tragic.
What is tragic, however...
- I'd rather not talk about it.
- Well, if you'd rather not.
I was in a Japanese prison camp
on the River Kwai.
There was a rather nasty explosion.
Whole ruddy bridge fell down on me.
When they dug me up, I was
only half a man, a hollow shell.
- You've been through a lot, haven't you?
- Well, mad dogs and Englishmen, eh?
With Lawrence in Arabia, with
Sherpa Tenzing up the Himalayas.
And then there was
the charge of the Light Brigade.
India, you know. Gunga Din, eh?
Bengal Lancers. Ta, ta!
Served under Commander Whitehead.
And then there was the RAF and the BBC.
Ah! Dunkirk! Ha-ha!
But that's another story.
- Say, have you seen Irma around?
- No.
She went up at midnight
and hasn't come down yet.
- That's six hours.
- You should have seen the guy.
He was an old goat with a beard. I didn't
even think he'd make it up the stairs.
- Ah, by George, I've done it again.
- One more.
Oh, I'm afraid not.
Oh.
I'd better dash to the airport
if I'm not to miss my plane.
- It was rather fun, for a change.
- Oh, thank you.
There you are, my dear.
Oh!
- You're very generous.
- Oh, not really. Just filthy rich.
Um...
How often do you come to Paris?
Twice a week. Why?
Well, maybe we could do it again.
Smashing. I was about to suggest
we make some kind of arrangement.
I'd like that, and so would Nestor.
- Yeah... uh, who?
- The man I live with.
Oh.
He doesn't mind that you come up here
with strangers and pick up their marbles?
No. Why should he? Business is business.
- Sensible attitude.
- Only thing he objects to is my smoking.
I'm trying to quit, but it isn't easy.
Then you must really love him?
- Shall we go?
- Just a second. Where's my other shoe?
- Hm?
- My other shoe?
Oh, hm. Er...
I'm sorry, I really must catch my plane...
...or Lady X and that wretched
gardener will be running amok.
- See you Thursday, same place?
- I'll be waiting.
Cheeribye.
Whee!
This is our lucky night.
Wait till I tell Nestor.
All right, what did you do with my shoe?
Would you give this
to the young lady in room nine?
Somehow it wound up in my pocket.
Old goat.
- How did it go?
- You would have been proud of me.
What a performance!
Like Sir Laurence Oliver.
That's Laurence Olivier.
And watch your ascot.
My what?
Nestor!
Nestor! Nestor!
It happened! We hit the jackpot!
- Whee!
- What happened? What jackpot?
I found him, and he's got a castle
and he comes here twice a week.
- Who? Calm down.
- He's English and he's a lord.
I'm gonna see him again
on Thursday and he's filthy rich.
- Know how much he gave me?
- How would I know?
Come on, make a guess.
500 francs!
- Here.
- How about that?
500 francs? What'd ya have to do for it?
- Nothing.
- Oh, come on.
- He taught me a new game.
- What kind of game?
- He beat me nine times...
- That's more like it.
He used to play with his wife, but she's
got something goin' with the gardener.
It's 500 francs, all right.
Later.
Hey, Tiger, can we see ya for a minute?
Certainly. What's on your mind, boys?
Congratulations, you made it.
- I didn't do anything.
- Me and the boys have talked it over.
Since you're numero uno now,
we've elected you president.
- President? Of what?
- Local 27 of the MPPA.
- MPP?
- Macs of Paris Protective Association.
- Me?
- It was unanimous.
It's an honour. I'm sure you can
find somebody more deserving...
We accept! Oh, I'm so proud of you.
Champagne for everybody!
Hey! Free champagne!
Vive Nestor!
Vive! Vive! Vive!
Oh, I'm so happy. From now on
it's just going to be the three of us -
- you and me and the lord.
- Yeah.
Let's see. 500 francs each time, that's
1,000 francs a week, 52 weeks a year...
...so that would be...
- Darling, can I have 100 francs?
- Oh, sure.
- It's for a hair dryer.
- Here's another 100. Get curtains too.
- Why are you so good to me?
- I just believe in fair dealings...
...between labour and management.
Come on, Nestor. Le twist.
Hands off, Lolita. He doesn't
twist with anybody but me.
Get her. Mrs President.
Uh... let's dance.
- Want to pay for the champagne now?
- I didn't order it.
The president always pays when
he's inaugurated. 270 francs, please.
Nine bottles.
Eight for the gang, one for her.
- She had a whole bottle?
- How d'you think she got kidney stones?
Well, that went fast.
Now, what about my 500?
This isn't workin' out the way we figured.
The way you figured. I told you
it was economically unsound.
You'll just have to advance Lord X another
500, when he comes back on Thursday.
- Oh, no, not me.
- Well, how am I gonna pay Irma?
I guess you'll just have to mortgage your
castle, pick some pockets or rob a bank.
I knocked over a bank in Bordeaux -
my father's - but that's another...
Shut up.
Bit of a sticky wicket,
isn't it, Your Lordship?
Dis donc!
Irma?
Irma?
Come on.
Good morning, darling.
- Good morning.
- Did I wake you?
No.
Ooh.
Oh, it looks like a beautiful day.
I feel so spoiled and so lazy.
Do you realise I don't have
a thing to do until Thursday?
- What's Thursday?
- When Lord X comes again.
Oh. Oh!
You know what let's do? Let's rent
a tandem and ride out to the country.
- Trees and grass and fresh air.
- Not today.
Or we could go to the Bois
and row around the lake.
Maybe next week.
We don't have to do anything.
We could stay in bed all day.
I'd like that.
- Want your breakfast now or later?
- Much later.
I've got a surprise for you.
- Close your eyes.
- Thank you.
When I was at the department store,
buying the curtains, I saw this.
And you know how I feel
about green, so I tried it on.
There was a riot.
Three of the salesmen got trampled...
...so naturally I just had to have it.
Now, don't open your eyes yet.
I want you to see it against the light.
All right, you can look now.
Nestor?
Nestor.
- Nestor!
- Not today.
Maybe next week?
All right.
If that's the way you feel about it.
- My dear girl.
- I was afraid you wouldn't show up.
Almost didn't. Ran into dirty weather over
the Channel. Unusually foggy for July.
- What is it, my dear?
- You've changed somehow.
Have I? How?
That patch, shouldn't it be
on the other eye?
Oh.
Indeed. Well, no wonder it was so foggy.
- I've been practising. I'll be much better.
- Oh, let's get at it then, shall we?
Old goat.
How are things at home?
I mean, how's Lady X?
- Her usual self.
- How's the gardener?
Finally happened. Caught them
red-handed in the greenhouse.
I threw them out, pulled up the
drawbridge, started divorce proceedings.
- That's too bad.
- Catastrophe.
Best damn gardener I ever had.
Must be lonely for you at the castle.
Very. Especially at night,
just me and the family ghost...
...spooking around those 96 rooms.
- How many?
- Not to mention the 400 acres...
...and the croquet field,
and the trout hatchery.
And all the horses. I breed trotters
and pacers. Separate stables, you know.
I imagine there must be lots
of trees and grass and a brook.
And swans and peacocks and... unicorns.
It sounds like a wonderful place for
Coquette. I'd like to get her out of the city.
- She drinks, you know.
- Really?
I keep finding empty
bottles under the bed.
Well...
Love to invite you to the castle,
both of you...
...but I'm sure you wouldn't dream
of leaving your young man.
No, I guess not.
- Although sometimes I wonder.
- Is something troubling you?
Well, suddenly he seems so different.
I mean, so indifferent.
He's tired all the time,
not interested in me at all.
I'm sure there must be some explanation.
I'm beginning to think
he's got another girl.
That's ridiculous! Why would
anybody with a... girl like you...
Somebody ought to give
that young man a good talking to.
- Would you like to meet him?
- Meet him?
He's waiting for me across the street.
I really ought to be getting to the airport.
Oh, it'll only take a minute.
Come on. We'll buy you a drink.
Thank you, but no thank you.
I mean, while I'm getting my divorce...
...we really shouldn't be
seen with each other.
Yes. Yes, you must be careful. Maybe we
shouldn't even leave the hotel together.
Capital suggestion. Shall we
rendezvous again next Monday, hm?
Of course.
Oh, I don't feel right about this.
It's taking money under false pretences.
- After all, I don't do anything for you.
- Balderdash.
Why, if it weren't for this arrangement
of ours, I should go through the ceiling.
Of course, it must be very boring for you.
Not at all. I enjoy it.
Oh.
You've made me a very happy man.
Half-man, I should say.
Well, ta-ta...
...toodle-oo, and tally-ho.
Up. Get up, you lush.
Look at those circles under your eyes.
Carry on like this, and we'll
have to have your face lifted.
Say, you're the Englishman
that's seeing Irma.
- I don't believe we've been introduced.
- I'm Hippolyte the Ox.
What is on your mind, Mr Ox?
I just thought if you were interested
in something new, more unusual...
- Twins, you know.
- What, and play three-handed solitaire?
No, thanks.
Order!
Come on, everybody! It's getting late!
- Let's take a vote.
- All right.
The motion on the floor is that every girl
contributes one day's earnings a week...
...toward our pension fund.
All those in favour?
- Aye!
- Aye!
Carried unanimously.
OK, girls, let's have it.
- I'm back, Nestor.
- Hi. Ooh, that was a rough meeting.
- Here you are.
- Thank you.
Thank you.
- What's that for?
- You just voted for it. The pension fund.
Huh?
Just part of my programme.
Now that I'm president, I'm gonna
get this organisation movin' ahead.
- How did it go with His Lordship?
- Fine. I'm beginning to like him a lot.
It's a good thing the bridge fell on him,
I might be jealous. Cognac.
Pernod for me. Nothing for her.
He's getting a divorce, so maybe now
he can see me more often.
More often? I doubt it.
Where would he get the money?
Well, he's got this big estate.
You know what the taxes are in England?
Why, some of those lords
have to scrounge around for a living.
If he saw me three times a week,
that's 1500 francs.
I could buy you a car.
A sports model. Kiki thinks she's such
a hotshot cos she got her guy a scooter.
Just wait till they see you drivin' up
and down the street with the top down.
- And I'll get you a little cap to go with it.
- What are you doing?
- He's trying to get the lipstick off.
- Lipstick?
- Where did that come from?
- Good question.
- It must have been you.
- That's it.
Me? I was in the hotel with His Lordship.
That's not it.
Oh, yes, I was at the board meeting,
we were takin' a vote...
...and one of the girls
was doin' a little lobbyin'.
- That must be it.
- Which girl was doing a little lobbying?
Come on, Tiger, how about it?
Hey, you dropped something.
Where?
There.
Oh, uh, now, please.
Look, girls, this is ridic...
Now, I'm the president here. Uh-oh.
Well, that's enough.
Let's shake hands and make up, hm?
Oh, why?
Girls!
Oh, no. You wouldn't...
Agh!
Good morning, Tiger. How about
some breakfast? Fresh croissants?
- I better get back before she wakes up.
- You look terrible.
- You must have lost 10 pounds.
- 15. I weighed myself on the meat scales.
What do you expect? Loading, unloading,
in the window, out the window...
...on with the beard, off with the beard.
You're going to fall apart.
I don't care, as long as
I keep her off the streets.
It's a hard way to earn an easy living.
Nestor?
You know, Irma, I'm a little bit
disappointed in you.
You promised me
you wouldn't smoke any more.
Aren't you gonna say anything?
I suppose you're wondering where I was?
- I know where you were.
- You do?
- You were out with the boys.
- Yeah, that's right.
- Don't lie to me!
- Well, where was I?
You were out with Lolita.
That's right.
Let me go to bed. I'm very tired.
- You've been with her every night.
- Oh, no, I haven't.
- No?
- No, not every night.
Sometimes I was with... Amazon Annie...
...and sometimes with Mimi the Maumau,
and sometimes with the twins...
...and... they all want me to handle 'em.
So I've decided to branch out, you know.
Business is business. And don't you
forget, around here, I'm numero uno.
You make me sick!
What are you gonna do about it?
This is what you came with. Now get out!
You're not throwin' me out,
cos you're crazy about me, aren't you?
- Let go!
- Gonna buy me a new car, remember?
- And a sports cap.
- Let go!
And when you buy me the sports cap,
I want it with a little strap in the back.
That's what you'll get from me. Let them
work for you and see how well you do!
You think you're numero uno?
I'm numero uno!
Go outside on the street
and ask the first man you see.
Ask anybody!
I'm sorry, it's...
Here we are in the 7 th inning,
two out, Maury Wills on first.
The ball game coming to you direct from
LA, over the American Forces Network.
Marichal on the rubber, into a stretch.
Here's the pitch and there he goes.
The throw down to second base
is not in time. He's stolen another one.
Hello.
Here you are. I was afraid
you mightn't show.
I didn't realise it was so late. I've been
walking the streets all day... thinking.
- There's something I'd like to discuss.
- By all means.
Not here.
I don't want Nestor to know.
Let's not take any chances, hm?
Shall we go up to your office?
Now then, my dear, what is it
that's so important, hm?
- Did you mean what you said?
- Indeed. What did I say?
About taking me to England with you.
Of course I meant it, if I said it.
And if you say so,
I must've said it, so I meant it.
I'm ready.
But you can't go. What about Nestor,
or whatever his name is?
Nestor, Hippolyte, it doesn't matter.
Sooner or later, they give you a bad time.
- The brutes.
- So, if you want me to go with you...
It's a bit of a sticky wicket.
If it's in any way awkward,
I don't want to embarrass you.
Not at all, my dear. I'd be delighted.
It's just that... there's this
ghastly servant problem right now.
The castle's overrun with plumbers,
the moat is leaking.
Besides, I'm a shattered man.
I'd be of no use to you.
Are you sure?
As a matter of fact,
I'm on my way to Zurich now.
I wasn't planning to go to England at all.
Going to consult
a Swiss doctor, a specialist.
But that's a waste of time.
They can't help you.
I once knew a specialist,
used to send his patients to me.
- To you?
- The tough cases.
Poor guys. Thought they'd run out of gas,
but they were just stalled.
- All they needed was a little push.
- A push.
I mean, mentally.
To stimulate their imagination.
- It's all up here, you know.
- I wish it were.
I had one patient given up as hopeless...
...until I started telling him
about the South Seas.
The South Seas? What a curious gambit.
It worked.
- Lie down.
- I beg your pardon?
Stretch out, relax.
Close your eyes. I mean, your eye.
- No tricks now.
- I promise.
You're in Tahiti. All right?
Tahiti? Yes, I've been there
with Captain Bligh.
Mutiny on the Bounty! Ha-ha!
Down, Lord.
Now concentrate.
Palm trees swaying in the breeze...
...a smell of ripe papayas...
...a blue lagoon, white sand,
golden-skinned girls.
Have you got that?
Blue lagoon, white sand, golden skin.
- They're beautiful, aren't they?
- Are they ever. Oh...
How many do you see?
14, to be exact. They're wearing
grass skirts and coconut shells.
- No, they're not.
- They're not?
They're wearing sarongs
and hibiscus blossoms in their hair.
Oh?
Yes, by George, you're right.
Now they take off their sarongs, and they
start washing them in the blue lagoon.
Indeed. They...
Look, it's no use. I mean,
I really am out of gas, uh, petrol.
The tank is completely dry.
All right, let's forget Tahiti. Lie back.
- You're in Baghdad.
- Baghdad! Now how did I get there?
Shh.
You're in a bazaar.
You see an exotic woman,
with a veil across her face.
Big, black, almond eyes.
She winks at you. You follow her.
She disappears into a palace.
There are two Nubian slaves standing
guard, so you climb over the wall.
- How high?
- Ten feet.
- I'll never make it.
- Try, you must try.
I'm trying. Ow! Broken glass on the top.
- Are you over?
- Just barely.
Good.
Now you're inside the harem.
You're lying on silk pillows.
Odalisques are fanning you.
They're feeding you grapes...
...painting your toenails...
...while she does
the dance of the seven veils.
She takes off... the fourth veil...
...the fifth...
...the sixth...
You will be gentle, won't you?
Your Lordship!
Are you all right, Your Lordship?
I will be, as soon as I pull myself together.
You know, I think Lady X
must have been out of her mind.
With you in the house, why would
she go puttering around in the garden?
How kind of you to say so.
What time does our plane
leave for London?
- Eight o'clock.
- Oh.
I'd better go home and pack.
Look, I'm afraid I can't take you
to my castle in Worcestershire.
- Why not?
- Because...
...I don't have a castle
in Worcestershire.
Of course not, it's in Yorkshire.
Quite, but... what I mean to say...
...I haven't been entirely frank
with you, my dear Irma.
- You haven't?
- For instance, what I told you about...
...unicorns. There are no unicorns.
So what?
So she'll play with the peacocks. And
don't worry about the servant problem.
I'll cook for you, I'll serve you tea
in the afternoon, I'll knit you sweaters.
I can be ready in 20 minutes.
I'll meet you at the bistro across
the street, Chez Moustache, all right?
Hey, are you there?
- Your Lordship?
- Yes, I'm there.
I mean, I'm here.
And I'll be there. The bistro.
Oh, and one more thing.
Keep away from Nestor. He's vicious.
They don't call him Tiger for nothing.
I say there, this is a bit of a jolly surprise.
- What'll it be, Your Lordship?
- Don't mention that swine.
Do you know what they've been
doing in that hotel room?
Shattered man, my eye!
And now they're running off to England -
Irma and the lord.
She's packing.
She's going to walk out on me.
- Nestor.
- He's taking her to his bloody castle.
She's gonna make tea for him,
knit him sweaters.
- You're talking crazy.
- They won't get away with it.
I'll tear him apart.
I'll... throw him in the Seine.
Nestor.
There is no lord.
- There isn't?
- That's right.
How do you like that phoney?
He's been lying to her.
What do you mean "he"?
There is no "he" - it's you!
Of course it's me, but she doesn't
know that. And she doesn't know I know.
But I know that she likes him
better than she likes me.
See?
She wouldn't even
take any money from him.
- I think you'd better have a drink.
- The world isn't big enough for two of us.
Lord X is gonna walk down
the street and disappear for ever.
- Nobody's ever gonna see him again.
- I didn't want to see him in the first place.
- Get my other clothes from the cellar.
- Coming up.
Somebody oughta warn him. He shouldn't
flash all that money around here.
- He's liable to get hit over the head.
- Are you gonna warn him?
Me? It's none of my business.
In a way, I'm going to miss you,
Your Lordship.
Pull yourself together, old chap, hm?
Stiff upper lip and all that. Cheerio.
One more for the road.
Jojo, have you got
your blackjack on you?
Sorry. How about some brass knuckles?
Goodbye, Your bloody Lordship!
I hate to see you go,
but c'est la vie, old chap!
I hope you float back to England...
...and I hope the fish
eat your bloody liver!
Hey, police! Police!
What's the time, Moustache?
- Five after eight.
- Sure your watch isn't fast?
Maybe, or maybe whoever
you're waiting for is slow.
Here you are. Tomorrow at this time you'll
be chasing peacocks across the lawn.
- Where are you going, anyway?
- I'm going to visit my aunt.
She lives in Brussels.
That's Belgium, you know.
Used to be a concert pianist,
but runs an orphanage now.
Oh, come on, Irma, you can do
better than that. Is that seat taken?
- Yes.
- Caf au lait and a croissant.
That aunt, could it be she has a beard and
an eye patch and her name is Lord X?
If that's who you're waiting for,
he's not gonna show up.
Can't I sit here without
being annoyed by riffraff?
We get all kinds. Just a while ago,
we had a real live English lord in here.
- He was here?
- Left about an hour ago.
- Did he say where he was going?
- No. No message, no nothing.
I saw him walkin' down
the street toward the river.
But we have a date here.
Maybe he forgot.
Maybe he changed his mind.
He'll come for me. He's a gentleman.
Gentleman? Don't make me laugh.
- You know nothing about men.
- I know nothing about men?
And you know why?
Because you've been with too many.
- Thanks a lot.
- You think you're such an expert on love.
You can't even tell
when somebody loves you!
- Like who?
- Like me.
Like hell. You only love
that 500 francs twice a week.
What do I have to do to prove it to you?
Nestor Patou, I arrest you
for the murder of Lord X.
- What? The murder of who?
- You recognise these clothes?
That's his umbrella and his eye patch
and his solitaire card.
- Thank you.
- Where's the lord?
- At the bottom of the Seine.
- Oh, no!
That's a lot of nonsense.
There is no Lord X.
Of course there isn't,
because you killed him.
I saw the whole thing.
He beat him up, stole his wallet...
...threw his body in the river.
Oh!
Irma, I... Wait a minute.
Moustache, tell 'em.
Yes, that's the lord's!
- Oh, he was such a sweet man!
- The old, familiar pattern.
Policeman turns dishonest, becomes
a mac and finally winds up as a murderer.
- It's an open and shut case.
- Well, you'll just have to reopen it.
- Moustache can prove...
- Shh.
My client has nothing more to say.
- Your client?
- I have a law degree from Grenoble.
Used to be one of the leading criminal
attorneys before I was disbarred.
- But that's another story.
- Put the handcuffs on him.
Just a moment. The accused has
a right to confer with his lawyer.
What are you trying to do?
Why not just tell 'em the truth?
- The truth? That's dynamite.
- But I'm innocent.
The jails are full of innocent people
because they told the truth.
You couldn't have killed Lord X
because you were Lord X...
...only you weren't Lord X,
you were a mac.
Only you weren't a mac,
you worked in the market...
...to pay for making love
to your own girl...
...whom you could have made love to
for free, except you were too tired...
...from making the money to give to Lord X
to give to Irma to give to you.
That's the truth. If you tell that mishmash
to a jury, you're a cinch to get 15 years.
- Wha... what am I gonna do?
- Nothing. Just put yourself in my hands.
Gentlemen, my client admits his crime.
- He does?
- I do?
But let us consider the motive.
Why would a mac kill
his girl's best customer?
For 500 francs, when he can get
that twice a week every week?
It would be like killing the goose
that laid the golden egg.
Or because they were
running away together?
Because he was losing his meal ticket?
That's equally ridiculous.
He's the king around here. He could
have had any girl working for him.
That's right.
So we are left with only one
possible motive - jealousy.
He was so in love with Irma, he couldn't
bear to have any other man touch her.
Yes, Inspector, it's the old,
familiar pattern - crime of passion.
Nestor, is that true?
Yes.
You did it because you loved me?
Now you know.
And I'd kill any other man
who came near you.
Gets you right here, doesn't it?
Take him away!
Nestor, I love you, and I'll wait
for you, no matter how long it takes.
You won't have to wait very long.
This is France, a civilised country.
L'amour, toujours l'amour.
When the jury hears my summation -
two people in the gutter,
reaching for the stars -
they'll cry, they'll cheer...
...they'll carry him out of
the courtroom on their shoulders.
Hey, Patou!
Patou!
There's a visitor here to see you.
- Oh, it's you.
- Shh.
You're lucky I can't get my hands on you.
- That's no way to talk to your lawyer.
- You were gonna get me off scot-free.
They were gonna carry me
out on their shoulders.
- Well, you can't win 'em all.
- 15 years at hard labour, for what?
It's too bad you didn't get sentenced to
death. I'd have had it commuted to life...
...and I could have gotten you
paroled by Christmas.
But a 15-year sentence,
that's neither here nor there.
Never mind that,
tell me about Irma. How is she?
She's fine. Here,
I brought you a little souvenir.
Thanks. Why doesn't she
come to see me any more?
- Why haven't I heard from her?
- Well, she doesn't want you to find out.
Find out what? She's not
back on the street again?
Oh, no. That's over with. She's still
working at the fish market as a cashier.
Well, then, what is it? I wanna know.
- She's expecting.
- Who?
Who do you think? She's out to here.
She's going to have a baby.
A baby? Are you sure?
I'd be greatly disappointed
if it were anything else.
- When?
- Any day now.
Listen, Moustache, I gotta get outta here.
I wanna be with her. She needs me.
- Here, I brought you another souvenir.
- More stockings?
And another.
- And another.
- Have you gone mad?
- And one more.
- What am I gonna do with all of these?
If you don't want them, throw them out
the window. But first... tie them together.
What?
You can't park here.
There's something wrong with my motor.
- Nestor!
- Shh.
What are you doing here?
How did you get away?
- Give me your hand.
- Did they let you out?
- Try this on.
- You escaped, didn't you?
- Hold still.
- Darling, why did you do that?
- Now they'll give you another five years.
- I was afraid of that, it's too big.
- What's this?
- We're gonna be married.
- Married?
- You want our child to be legitimate?
- Why, yes, of course.
- How is the baby?
Full of mischief. Yesterday
it kicked Coquette right off my lap.
Takes after me. When I was six months
old, I could change my own diapers.
- Nestor...
- What is it?
- I can't marry you.
- What do you mean, you can't marry me?
- Because I love you.
- You love me, so you can't marry me?
That's right. Because it isn't our baby.
You're not the father.
I'm not?
Who's the father? I'll kill him!
You already did. It was Lord X.
Lord X?
- Well, what... what makes you think?
- A woman always knows these things.
I don't care. I'll marry you anyway.
And I'll raise it
just as if it were my own child.
They've got the place surrounded.
Maybe you could go through
the kitchen window and over the roof.
No, I prefer the closet.
The closet?
That's the first place they'll look.
Open up! Police!
Come on! We know he's in there.
Yah!
All right, where's Nestor?
Don't you know? He's in jail. You can
visit him there every other Sunday.
Cute, huh? Let's search the place.
- He's not in there.
- Not in there.
- Not under here.
- Not under here.
Come here, everybody.
This is the man we're looking for.
- No sign of him.
- No sign of him.
Tell him he'd better give himself up, or
he'll spend the rest of his life behind bars!
Let's go, men.
- What's the matter?
- Oh, nothing.
Let's go, men.
Did you hear what he said?
What are you going to do?
Well, the first thing I have
to do is exchange the ring.
But we can't get married now.
You must run, you must hide.
Nonsense. We'll have a church wedding
with ushers and bridesmaids and flowers.
- Moustache is making the arrangements.
- But they'll catch you, lock you away.
- I'm so afraid I'll never see you again.
- Don't be. Maybe a miracle will happen.
- I don't believe in miracles.
- Don't you?
When I met you, you were a streetwalker.
Now you're gonna be a wife and a mother.
Isn't that a miracle?
They're wasting their time
looking for him at Irma's.
- Don't worry, they'll catch him.
- No, they won't. Too much brains.
He's smarter than the whole police force?
No, but I am. They're up
against the mastermind.
Oh. I'll bet by now you have him
on a boat to South America.
- Guess again.
- To Hong Kong?
He's right here in town.
- You don't say?
- It's ordinary common sense.
You've heard about a criminal always
returning to the scene of the crime?
The police would never think
of looking there.
- You mean he's under the same bridge?
- Yeah, the Pont Royal.
Look, if you open up your mouth
about this to anyone...
Me? Squeal on a colleague? There's such
a thing as the code of the underworld.
Desk sergeant? Connect me
with Inspector Lefvre.
Just tell him I want to
squeal on a colleague.
Hey.
- You!
- I beg your pardon?
- You're supposed to be dead, murdered.
- Are you quite sure?
- I saw it with my own eyes.
- Sorry to disappoint you, old boy...
...but other than a headache, I'm feeling
absolutely chapper, I mean, chipper.
We've been dragging the river for the
last nine months. Where have you been?
A fair question. Now, let me see.
I haven't the foggiest.
All I can remember is that the climate was
rather wet, but the fishing was quite good.
Now, I trust that that clears things up
satisfactorily, so cheerio and carry on.
Are you all right?
The pains are coming
every two minutes now.
Just try to hold on a little longer.
Where's the groom?
Don't worry. If worst comes to worst,
I'll marry you myself.
- You look lovely.
- Later, later.
Nestor, wilt thou take Irma
here present for thy lawful wife...
...according to the rite
of our holy mother, the Church?
I will.
Irma, wilt thou take Nestor
here present for thy lawful husband...
...according to the rite of our holy mother?
I will.
Ego conjungo vos in matrimonium, in
nomine Patris et Filii et Spiritus Sanctis.
Amen.
Adjutorium nostrum in nomine Domini,
qui fecit coelum et terram.
Domine, exaudi orationem meam...
... et clamor meus ad te veniat.
Dominus vobiscum
et cum spirito tuo. Oremus.
- With this ring, I thee wed.
- With this ring, I thee wed.
- And I pledge thee my fidelity.
- And I pledge thee my fidelity.
Just a minute, Patou.
I wanna congratulate you.
It was touching.
- Awful nice of you to show up.
- We're planning a reception for you.
- At the police station.
- My wife is about to have...
A hoax has been perpetrated.
I'll get to the bottom of it.
- You can't arrest me in a church.
- Arrest you?
I want you to rejoin the force
and help us solve this case.
Rejoin the force? Gee, I'd like that.
Not unless I can have my old job back,
at the playground.
Playground? Work for
peanuts and jellybeans?
I'm crazy about children.
I'm about to have one myself.
I just had it. Excuse me.
It's a girl. Smoothest delivery I ever had.
She's beautiful. You delivered the baby?
Why not? I was chief obstetrician in
Equatorial Africa, under Dr Schweitzer.
Nestor.
- They're not taking you away?
- You can call me Officer Patou again.
- What happened?
- Not now.
Oh, let me hold her.
Oh, it's gonna be such fun
bringing her up.
I can put her in organdie
dresses and pinafores.
And I'm gonna get her some
green stockings and a puppy.
Yeah.
Oh, no. No green stockings. No puppy.
- No?
- No.
Cheeribye.
But that's another story.
Marisa Castle de Joncaire