1
["Oh, Pretty Woman"
by Roy Orbison playing]
Pretty woman
Walkin' down the street
Pretty woman
The kind I like to meet
Pretty woman
I don't believe you
You're not the truth
No one could look as good as you...
[Vivian on TV] Don't you knock?
Vivian, I'm gonna be in town until Sunday.
I'd like you to spend the week with me.
[Vivian] Holy shit![laughs]
- [splashing]
- Pretty woman...
[Edward] Could you send up
some champagne and strawberries, please?
Vivian?
Vivian, is that a yes?
[splutters]
Yes.
- [chuckles] Yes.
- [Edward] I'll be gone most of the day.
Wake up, Natalie. It's just a movie.
Forget about men.
[sighs] Forget about love.
In real life,
girls like us don't get that.
Why?
Well, look in the mirror, darl.
We're no Julia Roberts.
We're not?
That woman has got a million-dollar smile.
She's got a gorgeous mane of hair.
Okay, she might not have
to bleach her mustache,
but she hasn't even got room
for a mustache.
She's got a tiny little space here.
They'll never make a movie
about girls like us.
- You know why?
- Why?
Because it would be so sad.
They'd have to sprinkle Prozac
on the popcorn
or people would kill themselves.
You see, Natalie, love's not a fairytale.
There's no happy endings.
- There is always gonna be a happy ending.
- No, darling.
Someone might marry you for a visa,
that's about it.
Yeah
She's walkin' back to me
Oh, oh
Pretty woman
[alarm beeping]
- [grunts]
- [drilling outside]
[sighs]
[sighs]
Phew.
Oh, Baxter, I need those. Hey.
Baxter? Pyeow!
Roll over. Play dead.
[sirens wailing outside]
[sighs] Come here.
Aah!
Morning kiss for Mummy?
[kisses] Baxter?
[car alarm wails outside]
Oh, hi, Donny.
Some girl taped this love note to my door.
"To Big D."
I think it's one of the many girls
that are obsessed with you.
Yeah, all... all right,
I'll give it to my secretary.
- Thanks.
- Oh, you have a secre...
[door slams loudly]
[laughter]
[drilling]
- [man] Stop the cart!
- What?
- Stop it with your body!
- Me?
- Do it!
- No, I can't!
- My cart is valuable!
- I can't!
Stop the cart!
Wow!
You're built like a cement truck.
Yeah. Thank you.
That's what all the guys say.
[horns blaring]
Hey, Nat, do me a favor,
throw this away for me. I'm so busy.
Uh, I'm kind of... busy too,
but yeah, yeah.
Natalie, the 3D printer is down.
Can you call the IT guy?
Donna, you know, technically
you're the office manager, right?
I do. Tell him
it's not even turning on now.
You're the best.
[phone ringing]
[sighs] Morning, Whit.
- Hey.
- Morning, boss.
- Is he here yet?
- No, not yet.
You're gonna kill
the Lewis pitch this morning.
Okay, uh, I don't know
whether I'm fully ready, but... [sighs]
[Natalie] Oh, no, I haven't...
- Whoa. Hold that thought, he's here.
- Maybe I shouldn't...
[Natalie] That's our new client?
[Whitney] Why is he so beautiful?
He's, like, CW hot.
I just suddenly got the urge to catcall.
Like, I... I don't whistle,
but I just, like, wanna...
- [blowing]
- [both whistling]
Guys, please don't objectify
the men in this office.
- Okay, I won't stand for it.
- [chuckles]
So, you gonna pitch in there?
I do... I don't know.
No one really cares
about the parking garages.
Mm-mm.
No, no, no, no. You are not
chickening out. It's a good idea.
I don't know. Sometimes
when I go into the big meetings,
they just cut me off
and I don't get my ideas out right,
and everyone just thinks
I'm the coffee bitch.
Which is unfair,
'cause sometimes I bring donuts as well.
Maybe I could just e-mail it.
Oh, yeah, you're right,
you could just e-mail it.
That's a good idea,
you should just sit down,
not go in the big meeting,
not present all your hard work.
'Cause that would be awful, right?
- Josh! [squeals]
- Everyone loving your great work,
possibly getting a pay raise...
everyone's respect.
Everyone would be like,
"Wow, Natalie,
we love your idea!
We're gonna give you
all the money in the world!"
Josh, stop being such an idiot!
You're the most formidable
architect in this firm.
Oh, people are listening!
[man] Natalie?
You gonna join us
for our professional meeting?
Yes, erm... Yes, I am, sorry.
Kill it, Nat! [imitates gunfire]
[groaning]
Sorry about that. Excuse me.
[sighs]
Oh, thanks, hon.
- Oh, no, that's mi...
- [slurps] Mm!
Oh, goddamn it.
Who puts whipped cream in a coffee?
Do you mind?
I'll just have a normal coffee. Thanks.
I'm not an assistant, so...
Archi... Architect. I'm ju...
Yeah, er... But, erm...
I'm also a team player and...
I'd be very happy
to get you another coffee.
That'd be great.
Um, be right back, everyone.
[steel band playing]
Miss, yo?
Yo?
- Dropped your glasses. Here you go.
- [siren wails]
- Thank you.
- I'm cheesing really hard.
- [horn blares]
- Are you... Oh!
- Come on!
- Very sorry.
So, it's not like I thought I was gonna be
the star of the meeting, or anything.
Like, I'm not that good.
But even if I see him again,
a guy like that, I'm just invisible to.
- What do you mean, a guy like that?
- You know, a nice guy with a nice life.
I'm a nice guy. I see you.
I've got a nice life.
I do. I have a hybrid.
Yeah, I know. I know.
No, you know what I mean.
Like, super rich,
like, super successful, a super hunky guy.
I'm just extra invisible
to a guy like that, you know?
Yeah, got it.
You know, even if he noticed you,
you wouldn't notice him noticing you.
What does that mean?
It means that you're...you're blind
to love. You don't even see it.
- No, I'm not. I just...
- Yeah.
I don't need love.
- What?
- You just busted through
that potential new couple back there.
Yeah, they were about to have a moment,
that spark was there,
and you lowered your shoulder
and plowed through 'em like a linebacker.
Stop being an idiot, all right?
- Oh. Have you been working out?
- I have, yeah.
- That's quite hard. Yeah.
- Yeah. I've got an ab-blaster.
[sighs] Hey, Whitney,
can you get me the... Whit?
Whit?
Um... Can you maybe stop watching
full-length feature films in the office
and just, like, do your job and assist me?
Yes, okay.
There are only, like, 43 minutes left,
so maybe I'll just stop when it's over
and then do it.
I don't know how it ends.
Do they end up together?
This movie ends
like all stupid rom-coms do.
The girl gets the guy, and then, finally,
that's what makes her happy.
- Pyeow!
- And what's wrong with that?
Because she should be happy
with other things in her life,
like her great career
that she's worked hard for.
It's a romantic comedy.
They're the best.
I mean, life can be so sad.
I try to wake up smiling, then
I turn on the news and I'm like...
And then I turn on
Sweet Home Alabama and I'm like...
I mean, have you seen that movie?
It's literally a masterpiece.
Masterpiece of shit.
Whitney, all those movies are lies,
set to terrible pop songs.
I love those songs.
And those movies are not lies.
Ah, yes, they are.
People waking up in bed
with full hair and makeup.
It's so unrealistic.
Every time someone puts on a pair
of pants, it turns into a whole montage.
Yeah, 'cause trying on clothes is fun.
For you.
Yeah, what about how
there's always, like, some main chick,
and she's super clumsy.
She's always like... "Oh! Whoops!"
And everyone goes, "She's so charming."
No. In real life, people'd think
she had muscular dystrophy.
Your flaws are what make you beautiful.
Uh, your flaws are what make you ugly.
That's why they're called flaws.
And then, like, in those movies,
when there are two women
in the same workplace,
they have to be, like, mortal enemies.
Look at us. Like, I love you,
I think you're the best.
The idea that two women
can't root for each other at work
is just disgusting.
And apparently, there's no HR at any
of those businesses in rom-com world,
because there's no diversity,
and people are always
boning their co-workers.
Oh, and don't even get me started
about the clich gay best friend
whose sole purpose in the story
is just to help the main hot chick.
And, like, does he have a job?
Like, what's going on in his life?
Who cares?
It's so insulting, don't you think?
And then they always have
some stupid voiceover
that comes on to tell you
what you're supposed to think.
- [toilet flushes]
- You know what I think? Act better.
For someone who hates romantic comedies,
you have certainly
thought about this a lot.
[Natalie] Okay, don't wait for me.
What about how,
at the end of those rom-coms,
they always do this stupid, like,
slow motion running sequence?
[gasping] Aah! Aah!
And, like, they're trying to break up
a wedding or get their lover back.
Well, guess what?
He doesn't love you.
That's why he's not currently with you
or marrying you.
He does love you,
and he's there to complete you.
Mind if I come in?
What are we talkin' about?
Natalie's been saying
that romantic comedies are bad.
For three hours.
Yeah, 'cause they're toxic.
Are you kidding me?
Have you seen Notting Hill?
Have you seen 13 Going on 30?
[Natalie groans]
I put those
in my high school time capsule.
- This is a man, I love this man.
- That and my hacky sack.
You two are so soft.
You know, she just, uh...
She hates happy endings.
[Natalie] Because it's not the end.
They stop it there because
what happens next is, like, really shit.
- [chuckles]
- Nobody'll wanna see that.
It's unhealthy for little girls
to watch that stuff
and think that's how life's gonna be.
I think it's nice to be remindedof how
beautiful and full of love life can be.
Nope.
Hey, so I know you hate it, but it is...
Karaoke night
Tonight
- When? Uh...
- Tonight. Would you like to come?
Or we could do something
less embarrassing,
like trampoline nude in public?
- [chuckles]
- Okay, well...
could've just said no.
Um, can I just...
just quickly tell you one more thing
that romantic comedies have taught me?
- No. No!
- Come on.
Listen to me.
- What?
- You're friendzoning Josh.
No I'm not. No. No, no, no.
No, Josh doesn't like me like that.
You sure about that?
Yeah, I'm sure.
Do you know how many times
a day I catch him
gawking at that half-dressed model
out there?
You know, she's like,
"Ooh. Look, I'm so sexy.
I just want a man to buy me a salad. Ooh!"
You know, but I don't have that,
so that's fine. You know?
I think people would have
an easier time seeing you, Natalie,
if you were a little more open.
[mouths]
[phone alert]
[train brakes squealing]
[woman on PA] Ladies and gentlemen, t
he train approaching does not stop here.
Please stand back from the platform edge.
[man] Oh, hey.
You get off here too?
Oh. Hi.
I'm Jack.
Natalie. Uh, Nat, like the bug.
[chuckles] That's funny.
[Natalie groans]
[grunts]
Give me the purse!
- My purse!
- Come on, give it to me!
[yells]
Come on! Give it!
Bitch! [yells]
Oh! Come on, I've got three kids to feed!
You look like you've known struggle.
Can you help me out? Please?
Ha ha, sucker! I don't even have any kids.
[groans]
Why does this shit always happen to me?
[yells]
["Main Theme - A Summer Place"
by Max Steiner playing]
[whimpers softly]
Wow. You took quite a spill.
Uh, no. Um...
[groans]
I got mugged by this childless sociopath.
- [chuckles]
- We need to call the police,
and maybe I should do a sketch,
so I just... [groans]
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Okay, just slow down, lovely.
Where am I?
You're in the emergency room.
This isn't an emergency room,
this is a Williams-Sonoma.
[laughs] Okay, sit back, relax.
Just let me examine you.
Okay.
Oh, dear.
What's wrong?
Well, it's your eyes.
You're quite beautiful.
Did I die?
You are, like, way too hot to be a doctor,
and saying really creepy things to me.
I am so enjoying my time with you.
- Why?
- [chuckles] Yeah.
Wait. I know what's going on.
You're working with that subway guy.
First he knocks me out,
and then you try to steal my kidneys!
- What?
- Security! Please, I need help!
Well, if you really wanna leave,
I'm sorry to say that your clothes
were completely ruined.
But don't worry. We picked some things out
from the lost and found for you.
Josh, um, can you call me?
I was mugged and I don't...
I don't know,
maybe I was harvested for my eggs.
I don't know.
Please, um, just call me back, okay?
- [dog barks]
- Hey, pretty woman.
Good morning.
Oh.
[birdsong]
Love your outfit.
Very chic.
["A Thousand Miles"
by Vanessa Carlton playing]
[turns music up]
This is really weird.
- Makin' my way downtown
- Oh!
[music slows to a stop]
- Good God! Are you okay?
- Aaah!
You... What the...
I am so sorry.
My driver was probably distracted by you.
Wow, you're...
you're quite beguiling, aren't you?
Why are you now Australian?
- I'm Australian, so it comes out that way.
- No, no, no.
You weren't Australian this morning
when you saw my cup of whipped cream
with a dollop of coffee.
I find it impossible to believe
that we've met before
- and I don't remember you.
- Oh, what's going on?
Are you okay?
No! Don't you smell what's happening?
New York doesn't smell like shit anymore.
Everything smells like lavender.
I think you might have hit your head.
Why don't we check you in at the doctor,
maybe? Or just take you home?
Something is really wrong.
Okay, well, why don't you, um...
Why don't you let me take you home?
I'm not gonna hurt you.
Let's... Let's get you home, though.
I'll give you a ride, okay?
- [Blake] Champagne and strawberries.
- [cork pops]
Dom Prignon once said
it was like tasting the stars.
Did you know he was a monk?
And we're here.
[Natalie] What? How...
how did we get here so fast?
That was, like, 18 seconds.
Someone's really cleaned up the street.
Those wedding dresses.
Those weren't there before.
And who put all these flowers everywhere?
- [sneezes]
- Ooh, bless you.
- [sneezing]
- Oh, doubles, double blessings.
- [sneezes]
- Oh, three times! That's lucky.
Oh, I'm allergic.
You sure I can't get you something?
Maybe a hanky or a tissue?
I think I just, erm... I need to lie down.
[chuckles] I'll be...
I'll be totally fine then.
- Okay.
- Erm... Uh...
Thank you, I just...
I have no idea
why you're being so nice to me. I just...
I don't get it, but thanks.
Well, erm...
Hold on a second.
If you need anything,
anything at all...
don't hesitate to...
give me a call on my cellular...
telephone... device.
Yeah. That's my number.
- [ping]
- That's very charming.
But you do realize there's, like...
3.6 million permutations
of how this could go together?
But there's only one you, so...
Right. That doesn't really make sense.
Neither does the way
I'm feelin' about you right now.
But, uh...
That still doesn't change
the math, though.
Just to be clear, I cannot call you.
Are you feeling what I'm feeling?
No!
Call me!
Josh, I'm not kidding, can you call me?
Did you set this all up
because I didn't go to karaoke with you?
Oh, sorry.
I just walked into the wrong apartment.
Leav... Leaving.
Sorry.
[sneezes] Oh.
[man] Thank you. These are lovely.
Holy shit.
Okay, you can come out now... [chuckles]
Whatever reality show this is.
You guys win!
I'm gonna love it, not list it. Pfft.
- Hello?
- [barking]
Baxter?
Baxter, come here, pups. Come here.
Is that you, Baxter?
Pyeoo!
[whimpers]
[gasps]
You've never done that before.
- 911, what's your emergency?
- [Natalie] Yeah.
I've, erm, been robbed, sort of.
Someone's broken into my apartment
and... stretched it.
And they've taken everything and...
replaced it all with much nicer stuff.
Okay, ma'am,
this doesn't sound like an emergency.
This sounds like you've got it together.
- Ma'am, are you there?
- [gasps]
This is every pair of shoes ever made.
I don't normally wear heels
because of the uneven weight distribution,
[chuckles] but these are incredible.
And they're... they're all in my size.
So let me get this straight.
Your emergency is that
your apartment is too big,
you have every shoe you could ever want,
and they all fit your cute feet.
- Yeah, exactly, that's what I...
- Bye.
[beeping]
- [screams]
- [screams]
[both screaming]
- Why are we screaming?
- Donny!
How did you get in here?
Someone said "Gay Beetlejuice" three
times, and then I magically appeared.
How do you think I got in here?
[camply] With the key you gave me,
'cause I'm your favorite neighbor.
Why are you talking like that?
Erm, talking like what?
Like an offensive version of a gay guy.
[gasps] Miss Girl Thing Bouffant, please.
You sound and look like an alien
- who's faking being gay.
- [phone buzzing]
Oh, my God!
Pop a Tic Tac and move it!
You've gotta get to work
to get crackin' on that big presentation!
- What presentation?
- Um, I don't know.
The big presentation.
Which is what my boyfriend calls me
in the sack, PS.
[chuckling]
Okay, booch,
change out of whatever this is.
I'm gonna drop you off at the office
on the way to my no plans whatsoever!
Oh!
I love you so much.
Can you hear me when I say that?
[whispers] How about now?
Makin' my way downtown
Walkin' fast
Faces pass and I'm homebound
Is this how you normally get to work?
Erm, if I had a job, yeah.
[Natalie] Are you gonna get a job?
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could just see you
Hey, Nat. Let me lighten your load
and grab that for you.
Oh, uh, I wasn't fully done with that...
Hey, Natalie, your 3D printer
was running a little bit slow,
so I had IT come by
and step it up for you, you know?
Just preventative maintenance.
Oh, you had something fixed for me.
Yeah, I'm the office manager
and you're the star architect.
How else would it be, silly?
[laughs]
[gasps] Oh, Whitney...
Oh, er... Wow, you look
really, really different.
Erm, you have to explain to me
what on earth is going on here.
I don't have to explain shit to you.
I don't work for you.
Technically, you...
Actually, you're my assistant, so...
I know you, you know...
I don't like to say "I'm the boss!"
or anything, but, uh, you're my assistant.
That's literally the funniest thing
I've ever heard.
- What?
- Me working for you.
Let me put it in terms
that you can understand.
[Australian accent]
You're going down, bitch.
- [yells] Natalie!
- Oh!
[laughs] Oh, I scared you so bad.
What's up? I got your message.
Thank God, you're still you.
Okay. Okay, normal.
Yep, yeah, normal Josh.
Okay, I really need your help.
What's goin' on?
I got mugged last night.
And suddenly, my apartment is tits,
and my neighbor Donny is setting
gay rights back, like, a hundred years.
And Whitney is giving me
resting murder face.
Nat, are you okay?
No, my dog is now clean
and guys look at me in the eyes.
- See?
- [chuckles] Hey, guys.
I think that's a good thing though, right?
Uh... Maybe in theory,but thisis
some kind of parallel universe.
This isn't our office.
Josh, it's not.
Look, it's not real.
I think I might be going crazy.
Hey, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Come on.
[sobs]
Hey, it's okay.
You... [chuckles] You're a lot of things,
but you are not crazy.
So...
So you see it, too.
Oh! Yeah, thank God.
I think we should get out of here
before they bite us
- or impregnate us...
- Okay, yeah. Let's get you some air.
No one's gonna impregnate us. Come on.
[Natalie] See?
Doesn't this all feel really weird?
Okay, you have to calm down, okay?
Just... Just take a breath
of this sweet, sweet, New York air.
Okay, you're still looking at me
like I'm crazy.
Please, just don't commit me
to some super beautiful insane asylum.
I don't think you're crazy.
But what you were telling me is...
a little cuckoo.
But since you are the one saying it,
I believe you.
- I'll help you, okay?
- Okay.
Let's figure this out.
All right, well, maybe if I retrace
my steps
- from last night, we could...
- [woman coughing]
Is that woman choking?
- [coughing]
- [Natalie] No, she's just being dramatic.
I choke all the time.
You know when you put those candies
- in the back of your mouth and... [coughs]
- Sh, sh, sh, sh.
- Josh?
- [coughing]
- [Natalie] Josh?
- Stand up, stand up.
[Natalie] Hey, Josh?
[woman gasps]
Is that really necessary?
[coughs violently]
- Okay. She's okay.
- [panting]
Hi.
Hi.
You saved my life.
I can't thank you enough.
Josh.
That is such a beautiful name.
Josssssh.
I like how you say it. Josh! [chuckles]
I don't know.
I think it's kinda... ordinary.
No.
I love ordinary.
- You do?
- Yes.
Okay, well, I am a very ordinary guy.
I am a seven across the board.
That's perfect.
Oh, so...
What do you do?
That's a thing an ordinary guy would ask.
I'm a yoga ambassador.
Namaste.
Namaste. [laughs]
But my real job is...
I'm a swimsuit model.
- That makes sense.
- But really, I'm a role model.
Because I believe in giving back
to the underprivileged.
I'm underprivileged.
- All right! Oh! Oh, hey!
- You're so...
- Hey!
- You're so funny!
Oh, oh. Sorry. Hey.
This is my best friend, Natalie.
Natalie, this is...
- Isabella Stone.
- You're from the...
- Hi.
- You're from the billboard.
- You are?
- You are from the billboard.
- So who are you?
- Natalie.
Good to meet you. Um, I... I...
I don't...
I can't believe I'm gonna do this, but...
Would a man like you ever...
have a drink with a girl like me?
Oh, let me think about it.
Yes. I will meet you back at the office.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Wait.
- Okay, great.
- Let me get my bag.
- Josh.
- Technically, you almost died.
- Yeah, I did.
- You saved me.
- Josh? Josh? We have to make the plan.
I just wanna make sure she's okay.
She's fine.
She... She's laughing, she's fine.
Yeah, and also, you don't know her.
Why not be open to something new, right?
See ya.
Er... er...
[yelps]
Hey.
Oh, I'm so... I'm sorry. I... Uh...
- You must think I'm...
- Adorable.
[shrieks]
[Natalie] Okay, get a grip.
Let's just think about this.
I have an amazing apartment
and a super cute dog.
A gay sidekick.
I have a great job,
but the only woman that works with me
has now become my mortal enemy.
Oh!
I keep falling down all the time.
And I'm talking to myself out loud.
- I think I'm trapped in a...
- [reversing alarm]
- My life has become a...
- [reversing alarm]
Come on!
What did I do to deserve this?
- My life's become a...
- [reversing alarm]
...romantic comedy!
[groans]
- And it's... PG-13!
- [reversing alarm]
Excuse me. I need your help.
I need the surveillance footage
from last night,
so I can find my mugger,
so that, um, he can fight me a little bit,
knock me unconscious,
and then I can leave
this unbearable romantic world.
I don't know what you're talkin' about.
You sound crazy as hell.
Please.
I just need access
to the surveillance footage.
Well, you ain't getting
the surveillance footage.
- Why not?
- Get away from me. You're crazy as hell.
[yelps]
[groans]
[woman laughs]
Hey! Oh...
- Hi.
- Erm...
Hey. Erm...
Can you please mug me?
Yeah, just go for it,
and drag me around for a while,
and then I'll knock myself unconscious.
Mother warned me.
- No. What? No...
- Excuse me.
Oh! It's easy!
You! You look like
you're prone to violence.
Come on, mug me.
- What? No!
- Yeah, like that.
I'll go, like, "Shitbag,"
and then I'll knock myself cold.
What? What's wrong with everybody?
Look at you guys!
This isn't real!
Oh, I hate this place. I hate this place!
- It's too... delightful!
- [PA chimes]
[man on PA] This train is not stopping
- at the station.
- Okay, fine!
If nobody wants to hit me...
[train brakes screeching]
...then maybe this will knock me back
to my dull, ordinary life.
Officer Hansom?
I didn't wanna be saved.
I'm not saving you.
- I'm arresting you.
- What for?
Jumping the turnstile.
Let's go.
[groans]
My hands are right on your junk.
[police officer] This way.
- There's your phone, Princess.
- Erm, give me my cell phone
so I can type the number in.
- You've gotta use this phone.
- You're kidding, right?
I don't know anybody's numbers
off by heart.
- Pretend it's 1995.
- Great.
I can call my dead nana
or the house I lived in when I was 12.
One call, time's tickin'.
All right, I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
If you need anything, anything at all,
here is my number.
- All right?
- [ping]
Oh.
This probably won't work.
Unless you believe in the power of love
or some bullshit, but it's worth a try.
Here goes.
[kisses]
Oh.
[ringing tone]
[sighs]
Y'ello, Blake speaking.
So dumb!
Erm, thanks for coming to get me.
Are you kidding?
I was so excited to hear from you.
I mean, even though it was
to bail you out of jail. Pretty cool.
Normally, I'd be so excited to hear
that someone like you is so excited
to hear from someone like me, but...
Tell me what's goin' on. I'm a good
listener, I've got very big earholes.
I can't. You'd... you'd have me committed.
Come on, you can tell me
anything you want, anything at all.
Except that you think koalas
are the cutest things ever.
They have chlamydia
and are actually quite hostile,
so stay away from 'em, all right?
Anyway, let's hear it.
Okay.
I hit my head really hard...
and I woke up in this alternate universe.
Okay.
And things are supposed to be better,
but it's actually worse because people
are treating me like I'm special.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And I'm not special.
Still waters run deepest, don't they?
What?
God, there's so much more
I wanna know about you.
No, see, you're not understanding.
This isn't a real world.
This is, like, the Matrix
for lonely women.
[phone buzzing]
Hold that thought.
It's my father calling from Singapore.
You know how it is.
[sighs]
I have to get out of here.
[sighs] How do I get to the end?
[whimpers]
[Natalie] I was beginning to wonder
if there was another way
out of this world.
If I was in a romantic comedy, then...
maybe I needed someone
to fall in love with me.
[Blake laughs]
Fine.
If I have to do this,
I guess it could be worse
than a super hot billionaire.
Natalie, I am so sorry, but, uh...
I have to run back to the office
- and put out some fires. [chuckles]
- Oh.
- Whooosh!
- [chuckles]
But, erm... why don't you do me a favor,
and, uh, have dinner with me later, okay?
I'll send a car for you.
Great. That'd be... wonderful.
Great!
I'll see you later.
That was easy enough.
Oh, wa... Oh, wait, hang on, what time?
And what... what should I wear?
I need to...
What's the name of the restaurant?
I like to look it up before,
so I can decide what I want from the menu!
And do they even have
a dessert selection? Wait!
Okay, what am I gonna wear?
Can't dob it up like I do on the usual.
[sighs]
Oh, I know who'll know.
- Donny?
- Yes?
- Jesus!
- No.
But I'd love to turn water
into a pinot grig'.
[chuckles] So, what's the update?
Er, I have to go on a date
with that big, fancy Blake guy,
and, um... make him fall in love with me.
What?
Are you serious? Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Oh, my God. Okay. Okay.
[squeals] Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
I'm so happy for you.
Oh, my God. Oh. This is it.
Oh, my God, this is it,
this is the moment.
This is the moment
I've been training for my entire life.
- Okay...
- [loud pop music plays]
Where is that music... Oh, no.
Okay. I think we're being dragged
into some dumb makeover montage.
You wanna do a makeover montage?
No, no. I hate trying on clothes.
Oh, my God,yes,
we should definitely try on clothes.
I'm not trying on different things
and coming out and going,
"What do you think?"
No! No! No!
[sighs]
Wow.
Natalie, you look beautiful.
No, I just threw this together. [chuckles]
Just... It only took, like, five hours.
To the forces of destiny
that brought us together tonight.
Well, you invited me
and sent the car, so...
[chuckles]
That's... that's very sweet, though.
Shall we?
Do-be-do-be-do-do-do
Oh
Do-be-do-be-do-do-do
Oh
Do-be-do-be-do-do-do...
This is so fancy.
What are these tablecloths made of?
They're, like, so soft.
What's it smell like?
[sniffs]
- Like fetal alpaca.
- Mm-hm.
That's exactly what it is.
- [laughs]
- Uno momento, signore.
Io sono qui.
Natalie, this is Giovanni.
Ah! Piacere.
He's the chef at Sfoglia,
but he was kind enough
to cook us dinner tonight.
Well, thank you.
This is honestly, like, the best meal
I've had in my whole entire life.
Oh! Bellissima!
You are so welcome.
More gnocchi?
Oh, yes-cchi.
[both laughing]
I'm a boss at food puns.
Signorina... dessert.
Ah, grazie, ma no.
- Ah. Buona notte, signorina.
- Oh, wait...
Erm... Er... I... I think we're about
to have our first fight.
I'm just trying to extend this date
for as long as possible.
And it just so happens I know of
a great old ice-cream shop in Red Hook.
If you wanna dock and maybe take a stroll?
Ah, funny, my Fitbit sometimes vibrates
and says, "Wanna stroll?"
But when you say it,
I don't wanna smash you.
Oh, good.
No more I love you's
Oh, my God, Natalie, I am so sorry.
I was sure they'd be open this late.
Look, we can just
look through the window, and, erm...
if you look hard enough,
I think we can see the flavors
and then just imagine eating it.
- The language is leaving me
- [rattling]
- What are you doing?
- [Blake] Shh. It's okay.
I'll leave a hundred in the tip jar.
There we go.
Come on.
[Natalie] All right, what's your favorite
ice-cream flavor of all time?
[Blake] Hm.
[Natalie] The big one.
- Ah, I'll tell you...
- Mm?
But you have to promise
you won't make fun of me.
- Okay.
- Butter pecan.
What?
Who likes butter pecan?
What's wrong with you?
- That's what I thought would happen.
- You're like an 80-year-old grandpa.
- Right.
- Okay.
What's your second favorite
ice-cream flavor?
Rum raisin.
- No! That's even worse.
- Yeah. I know.
It's been a lifelong source
of insecurity for me.
- Ah.
- In grade school I was teased about it
so mercilessly that I went a solid decade
where I only ate ice cream
in the privacy of my own home.
[chuckles]
I can just imagine you
sitting at home, like...
- Yep.
- "Mm, butter pecan."
Underneath the bed.
You know, the Buddhists say...
that if you meet someone...
and your heart pounds
and your hands shake
and your knees go weak,
that that's not the one.
When you meet your soulmate,
you'll feel completely calm.
Do-be-do-be-do-do-do
- [sighs]
- Oh
I feel very calm right now.
How about you?
[siren wailing]
I feel like we're about to get arrested.
Yep, we should probably go.
[Natalie laughs]
[Blake] I had an amazing time tonight.
So did I. [chuckles]
I'm just, like...
I've never had a night like this before.
Oh!
- Oh...
- [thunder rumbles]
Rain. Hah!
Really? That's so clich...
Normally, I'd call bullshit on this...
I know this might sound crazy...
- Yeah.
...'cause we've only just met,
- but I love...
- Whoa!
No, no, no, no, don't.
Don't say anything yet.
I can't go back to real life without...
- What do you mean? Without what?
- Without, you know...
[gasps]
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Oh, God.
Oh...
Never seen you looking so lovely
As you did tonight
[birdsong]
I've never seen you shine so bri...
[chiming]
Good morning, beautiful.
Last night was amazing.
You know,
I was just thinking in the shower,
when I look at the world
through your eyes,
it's like I'm seeing it
for the first time.
Natalie, I love...
Wait, wait, wait. Erm, hold that thought,
don't say another word.
Just... Just get back into bed.
I don't think we actually did anything.
- It just cut to the next morning.
- What?
Just get back here.
Okay.
Never seen you looking so lovely
As you did tonight
[birdsong]
I've never seen you shine so...
[chiming]
Good morning, beautiful.
Last night was amazing.
You know,
I was just thinking in the shower,
when I look at the world
through your eyes,
it's like I'm seeing it
for the first time.
Natalie, I lo... Oof!
Never seen you looking so lovely
As you did tonight
I've never...
[chiming]
- [birdsong]
- Ugh!
Good morning, beautiful.
Last night was amazing.
- I was just thinking in the shower...
- In the shower, yeah.
...when I look at the world
through your eyes,
it's like I'm seeing it
for the first time.
If I can't have sex, I'm at least
taking this nice purse with me.
This little koala thing,
it looks expensive.
Yeah, all right, give it to me.
Natalie...
I love you.
Wh...
Er... Can you just say that one more time?
- What?
- Er...
[chuckles] You know how us girls are.
We love hearin' it.
Just say it. Say it again.
Natalie...
I...
love...
you.
- Mo...
- [alarm bleeping]
[man] Thank you so much.
I've been looking for one of those.
[elevator dings]
Well, check you out.
Oh. Whitney.
Whoa, check you out.
Ballsy move not showing up to work
the entire week
before the big presentation.
This seems incredibly unnecessary, okay?
Just 'cause we're two female colleagues,
we don't automatically have to be enemies.
We marched together, remember?
We had that great sign. Girls Just Wanna
Have Fun-damental Human Rights.
Whitney?
Whitney, what are you doing?
We're friends.
Whitney, come on, we shared a T-shirt.
And I stretched it out and you said,
"You can have that one now."
I was like, "Score."
Natalie, we're so glad you're here.
- Oh.
- So, we have three days
before the presentation.
Give us your big idea for the hotel.
But I... I... I don't, erm...
design the whole hotels.
I normally, erm,
just do the parking garages.
[chuckles] You're our star architect,
come on.
Give us your vision.
I do... I don't really have a... erm...
She's got nothing.
Erm... [sighs]
It's a surprise.
Yeah.
And you're saving the best
for the actual presentation,
and I applaud that.
- Whoo! Natalie!
- [man] Yeah!
- [Josh] Comin' through with it...
- [laughter]
Natalie!
[birdsong]
[doorbell rings]
It's open.
Since when do you use
the doorbell, Donny?
Hey.
So, figured you're probably workin'
so hard you forgot to eat.
I got us a little Mister Wongs.
Oh, my God, I'm starving. I love you.
So...
show me what you've been workin' on.
Erm... Okay, do you remember
that parking garage idea?
- Erm...
- Uh-huh.
Erm...
I just kind of ran with it.
Nat, this is so like you.
Hm... To waste so much time
on a dumb idea.
No.
No, to come up with, like, the best,
most original idea, just like that.
Clearly, you don't need my help,
so I'll... I'll just be leavin'.
Uh, no, don't go.
I could...
I could really use your help on this.
And...
you know, er... use your company.
Thank God,because I really want
those soup dumplings.
No way! They're mine!
- You just said you brought them for me!
- Oh, okay.
- Oh!
- [both laughing]
- [screams]
- Ever seen Friends?
They don't fight over soup dumplings.
They share them, okay?
Here.
- Oh... Mm! They smell so good.
- Mm! So does this.
Uh... [chuckles]
I should go get cleaned up.
I was just in the subway.
I might have Zika virus or something.
Is that still a thing?
[Natalie] I was beginning to wonder
if I've gotten it all wrong.
Maybe it wasn't Blake
who needed to fall in love with me.
And do I look cute in these side braids?
You say somethin'?
[mumbling]
[laughs] I can't...
Aren't you supposed
to be hanging out with her?
[mumbling] I can't understand you
'cause your mouth is full.
Look at these. They're incredible.
Mm!
[groaning] Mmmm!
Mm! Mm!
Oh, my God, okay.
- You sound like you're having a...
- Mmm!
[groans]
[whimpers]
- Don't. No, stop it!
- [moaning]
You're such an idiot!
- Stop it.
- [laughs]
Ohhhh...
- [thumps table]
- Oh, my God.
I'll have what he's having.
- [laughs] Yummo!
- Blake, what is...
Is he helping you
with your project too? That...
That does seem cool, since
he's the one that makes the decision.
Oh, are you guys together? I didn't know.
I should've...
I was gonna say something earlier.
We just... erm...
I've just been, erm,
seeing Blake a little bit.
- You didn't tell me?
- Come on. Don't undersell it, babe.
I love this beguiling woman.
- I love you. [growls playfully]
- Ah...
Dumplings!
Well, you know, I don't wanna be the...
third wheel here, so I'm gonna get goin'.
Enjoy the food.
Ah.
He seems sweet.
Someone should tell him not to wear
a brown belt with black shoes, though.
It's tacky.
[birdsong]
[Blake] Natalie, have you ever heard
of a man called Gandhi?
[Natalie] Erm... Yes.
[Blake] He once said that true happiness
was when what you think,
what you say, and what you do
are in perfect harmony.
Isn't that great?
Yeah, it's so cool you know
all these sayings by heart, Blake.
Yeah, well, it's a gift.
Josh?
And choking supermodel.
- Choking yoga ambassador, actually.
- [chuckles]
- That's not a real thing.
- Hey.
So, here, let me introduce you. Isabella.
- Hi.
- Izzie!
Blake, how are you?
I was gonna introduce you
but you know... know each other. Okay.
- Yeah!
- You didn't tell me
the guy you were seeing
was Nat's assistant.
- Stop. He's an architect.
- Oh...
- Well, project manager.
- Architect.
He... seems soft.
He is.
Oh, my God, how did you know
I called him Mush?
Mush, you have to do
that thing that I love, when you do.
- [Josh] Uh...
- Come on. Do it.
- Maybe not right now.
- Do it. Do it, do it!
Okay. [grunts]
Oh, look at that!
- There's so much of it!
- [groaning]
I'm a little mushball.
- Cute!
- Just... She loves my neck fat.
I just... You know, I love cake, so...
- [Isabella laughs]
- So, how do you two know each other?
- Oh, Blake and I?
- Uh, let me guess.
You guys met at some fabulous yacht party.
[chuckles]
Actually, it was a really
disappointing yacht party.
- You remember that?
- It was the worst yacht party ever!
- [Isabella] It was terrible.
- [Blake] Oh!
But, speaking of great parties,
you guys have to come
to the Hamptons this weekend.
We're having a few of my friends over
at my charming little beach house.
[Blake] That sounds lovely.
Well, I was gonna take
my helicopter out anyway, so...
So funny. I was gonna offer you guys
a ride in my helicopter.
That's so sweet, darling,
but better we take our own.
Nat and I might wanna hit the, er,
old Caperoo, if you know what I mean.
- Oh, I know what you mean. I see you.
- I... I don't. What does that mean?
[Isabella chuckles]
You two have such amazing chemistry.
Maybe we should swap.
[chuckles]
- She's joking. Yeah, she's joking.
- What?
Well, what do you think? Hamptons?
You had me at hello-copter.
[birdsong]
[Natalie sighs]
This lobster...
is the size of a cat.
Yet it's...
as tender as a marshmallow.
[chuckles] "Tender as a marshmallow."
[sighs] You are beguiling.
Did you just learn that word?
'Cause you tend to say it a lot.
If you want me to stop saying it, I will.
But you're gonna have to stop
being so damn beguiling.
- [phone buzzes]
- Oh. Sorry, it's my father.
Y'ello?
[Josh] It's so good to see you guys.
Thanks for coming.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay. Oh, you're squeezing some too, yeah.
Okay, we're gettin' it. Oh.
- [Josh] Oh, God.
- [clattering]
- [yelps] Oh!
- There you go. Get on you...
Phew.
- Hey.
- Hey.
So, you and Blake
are kind of a thing, huh?
- Well, you and Isabella...
- [chuckles]
- I know.
- Huh?
Who'd have thought that me and you
would both end up with just, like...
perfect humans?
- Yeah. It's...
- Crazy.
- [chuckling] Yeah, really... really crazy.
- Yeah.
Aah.
You know what's funny?
The fact that all those rich ladies
have crabs?
Well, yes, that is funny.
But, at one point, I thought
it would actually be me and you
that would end up together.
You did?
Yeah, in the beginning.
Well, why didn't you ask me out, then?
Why don't... why don't you just, like,
ask me out right now?
[laughs] I did.
All the time. You'd always say no.
You'd shoot me down, and...
And then we became
such good friends, so...
What are you talking about?
Uh... I never shot you down.
I asked you out, like, a million times.
For, like, drinks
at happy hour after work,
or to go to the karaoke bar
with your kickball team.
I didn't wanna sit there and listen to you
chat about some girl you had a crush on.
Okay, why do you say kickball team
like it's a bad thing? Hm?
The New York Kick Bockers
are elite level athletes.
- [laughs]
- It's true.
- I'm a jock out there. I'm a jock.
- Come on!
- You are such an idiot.
- [Isabella] Mush?
Mush?
Hey. Be right there.
Are you comfortable with that nickname?
It seems kind of like a negative.
Oh, you don't like it?
I think it's kind of cute.
Hurts to do, but it's kind of cute, right?
- [clears throat]
- It's time! Okay.
Attention, everyone.
[Josh] Eyes up here.
Hi, everyone, and thank you so much
for coming to this modest little thing
we threw together last minute. [chuckles]
I think we all know the story
of how Isabella and I met,
but I will tell it again.
I was walking.
Yeah, with me, his best friend. I'm...
I'm his best friend, so...
Yep, I was just walking,
and I saw this beautiful woman
choking, so...
- Like... [gags]
- Yeah.
So I ran up to her...
and gave her the Heimlich...
and then she gave me her heart.
[all] Aww!
That's gross.
Isabella, you are totally...
and utterly yourself.
And you are so confident,
and you're never afraid
to go after what you want.
And even though I am so not worthy...
[laughter]
From Wayne's World.
[laughs]
It's crazy that...
that what you want is me.
- I do.
- [all] Awww!
Which is why this is not just a party.
Ba-ba-da!
Surprise! It's our wedding!
We're getting married!
- What the f...
- [pops]
So we're getting married tomorrow,
and tonight we're going into town
- for some karaoke!
- [Josh] Coming! Karaoke tonight!
[cheering and laughter]
[Pachelbel's Canon in D Major plays]
God, what was the theme of this wedding?
Easter at Elton John's house? [chuckles]
Donny, wh... How the hell did you get here?
- Um...
- Come here.
I stole your password
and then I used Find My iPhone.
And then I took a bus herelike an animal.
Oh, my goodness.
I sat next to a woman eating spaghetti
out of a Ziploc bag. Uh, no.
- Okay. I don't need the play-by-gay.
- And then...
It's Josh. It was never Blake.
- [gasps]
- Okay, I have to get together with Josh.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, and the weirdest thing
just happened.
He just said to me that he thought
we'd always end up together.
But now he's getting married.
What? So the best friend you've always
had a ton of chemistry with
is the guy for you?
Oh, my God,
who could've seen that coming?
Except every single person ever
of all time?
- Oh, well, sorry.
- Okay.
I got distracted by Blake's wealth,
- and his face and his, um... giant penis.
- [chokes]
Okay, caller, please hold.
I thought you said
you two couldn't have sex.
Erm... No, we can't, but...
- Of course I had to sneak a peek.
- That's my booch.
Once or twice.
"Sorry, I'm just going to the toilet."
Oh, my God.
- Yes.
- Mental picture. Mental picture.
That is a sexy move.
Okay, the point is...
- it's Josh, okay?
- Yeah.
And it was always Josh.
'Cause he's such a nerd
and he's so sweet and...
he just... like, he really gets me,
and that one time when I thought
he was moving away forever...
I cried all night.
And I never ever told him.
On a scale of baguette to surface-to-air
missile, how giant are we talking?
- Seriously?
- Mm-hm.
It'll help determine
the advice that I give you.
I don't know,
it's, like, the size of a pepper grinder.
The kind you have at home?
The kind a waiter has to bring over?
The kind that the waiter
has to bring over.
[gasps]
My God.
I... I've swallowed my tongue.
You don't tell somebody you thought
you'd end up together...
the night before your wedding,
unless you're having second thoughts.
- Mm-mm. No.
- So I can't let him marry
that beautiful creature.
No.
I have to stop that wedding.
You are so totally right,
you should totally stop this wedding!
- I'm stopping this wedding.
- Oh, my God, do it. Do it, booch.
Lift your open hand
Strike up the band
And make the fireflies dance
Silver moon sparkle...
Ooh, very high! Very high.
Me
For my fianc.
- Tequila shot time!
- Whoo!
Just kiss me
- [applause]
- Who are those for?
Me and you...
and...
me and you.
[chuckles] I was... I was afraid of that.
Let's just get wasted
and make some bad decisions tonight.
- [Isabella] Josh?
- Instead of tomorrow.
Josh?
- Hey!
- Song's up.
Natalie, hi! Erm...
You're next. Come on up.
- I'm good.
- Hey, honey, you don't understand.
She hates karaoke,
despises it more than,
like, anything in the world.
I guess besides
presenting your work at big meetings,
my cool guy face.
I feel like you hate
kind of everything, don't you?
It's okay, Natalie, I understand.
Some people are just
not meant for the spotlight.
It's okay.
Uh... No, I ca... I can give it a go.
- Really? I've never seen you sing before.
- Oh, my God.
- Mm...
- Do it!
- I've sung before...
- Do it! Do it!
- You don't need to drink. You can just...
- I'm gonna give it a shot.
- Ooh, you're givin' it a shot. Aren't you?
- Okay, go for it, Natalie!
- This should be interesting.
- Love this.
[Isabella clapping]
[feedback squeals]
- [feedback squeals]
- The...
No, okay, sorry.
Sorry, guys.
The clock strikes upon the hour
And the sun begins to fade
- [crackling]
- [music stops]
Still enough time to figure out
How to chase my blues away
[shakily]
I've done all right up to now
It's the light of day
That shows me how
- - But when the night falls
- [ice rattling]
- My loneliness calls
- [shaking loudly]
[all] Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
I wanna feel the heat with somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
- With somebody who loves me
- [backing track starts up]
- [backing track] Yeah, yeah
- Yeah!
Whoo!
Ooh
Aah
Uh
I've been in love and lost my senses
Spinnin' through the town
Sooner or later, the fever ends
And I wind up feeling down
I need a man who'll take a chance
Ona love that burns
Hot enough to last
So when the night falls
Whoa! [muffled]
My lonely heart calls
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
- I wanna feel the heat with somebody
- Aah! Aah!
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me
Somebody who
- Somebody who
- Yeah!
Somebody who loves me, yeah
Somebody who
- Somebody who
- Aah!
To hold me in his arms, oh
I need a man who'll take a chance
Ona love that burns
Hot enough to last
So when the night falls
My lonely heart calls
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
- I wanna feel the heat
- With somebody
Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
With somebody who loves me
Oh, I wanna dance with somebody
- I wanna feel the heat
- With somebody
- Yeah, I wanna dance with somebody
- Ooh!
Uh! Come on
With somebody who loves me
Don't you wanna dance?
Say you wanna dance
- Don't you wanna dance?
- Yeah!
Don't you wanna dance?
Say you wanna dance
- Don't you wanna dance?
- Yeah!
Don't you wanna dance?
Say you wanna dance
Don't you wanna dance?
Whoo-hoo-hoo
With somebody who loves me
- [cheering and applause]
- Whoo!
Oh!
Oh, yes! [laughs]
[Natalie]
How did everyone know the choreography?
[Josh] That was weird.
It doesn't make any sense.
Honestly, you know what makes no sense?
Is marrying someone you just met.
I knew you were gonna
be weird about this.
Because it's weird.
We met under, like,
really intense circumstances.
You know, it, like...
like, speeds things up.
That's dopamine,
that's your brain on drugs.
- Aah...
- It is.
What are you gonna do
when the drugs wear off?
I don't know. We'll...
figure it out.
Don't you wanna figure it out
with someone you really know?
I guess that's why they say
you should marry your best friend.
Maybe in a different world.
I should get goin'.
Big day tomorrow.
Yeah.
Yep, big day.
[Blake] Oh, that's so great, Dad.
I'm so glad you love it.
You're right, it is innovative.
And I came up with it all by myself.
I'll fill in the architects and they can
work up the official plans and models.
Okay? Goodbye.
- [seagulls calling]
- [sighs]
Oh, good morning, beautiful.
Are they my plans?
[sighs]
God, you look beautiful
in the morning light.
Were you just pitching my idea
and passing it off as your own?
No.
Well, I saw them
when I was in your apartment.
And the idea was for me, so...
whose idea is it, really? [chuckles]
- Mine.
- Whoa. Hey.
Don't know whereall this crazy
assertiveness is coming from.
Let's be honest, you weren't gonna be able
to pitch it to me now anyways.
- Yeah, I was. Why wouldn't I?
- No, you... No, you weren't.
Darling, now that you're with me,
you're not gonna be working anymore.
My girl, slumming it in the realm
of the employed? Not on my watch.
Mmm... I like being an architect.
Come on, don't be silly.
We should also, at some point,
talk about changing your name.
You're really projecting.
You think, what, we're gonna get married?
[chuckles] Well, yes.
And obviously,
we'll change your last name.
But no, I'm talking about your first name.
Natalie?
I really don't think it's gonna work
in my circles.
So I was thinking Georgina.
What do you think? Georgina? [chuckles]
- You are...
- Beguiling.
...horrible.
You're a horrible person.
Okay, I... I think you're just tired,
darling. Why don't you go back to bed?
Why don't you piss off?
[sighs]
It is so sad...
to watch someone you love
go mad with ambition.
- Do you know who said that?
- No.
And now you never will.
I could Google it.
Erm... Where are you going?
- Home, booch.
- Home?
- The wedding starts in, like, 20 minutes.
- Uh, yeah.
- I don't give a shit.
- What?
I tried to just be open.
I tried to get Josh
to fall in love with me,
but that's not on the cards.
Not for a girl like me. Mm-mm.
Not even in this dumb, perfect world.
[sighs]
You know, when I was younger...
I was so afraid
to put myself out there for love
that I became this quirky little queen
that just followed all my handsome
gay guy friends around.
Like I was a pilot fish. Ugh!
And I would make 'em laugh,
and I would find, like,
the best parties to go to,
and I would always comfort them
when their hearts were broken.
But you know what nobody ever knew?
That my heart...
was constantly broken.
Constantly.
I mean, and how could they?
I never let them see it.
And it wasn't until I met
this palm reader in Ibiza,
and she said to me, she said...
"You can search the entire universe...
and never find a being
more worthy of love...
than yourself."
So that's why I'm such the happy
little whore that I am today.
[chuckles]
'Cause I love my bitchy little ass.
[sighs]
Who do you love, Natalie?
Josh.
I've never had the chance
to tell him that.
I need to tell him that.
Right now. Erm...
Oh, I'm never gonna make it.
But I have to try.
Oh, my God, of course. Why am I so dumb?
It was always gonna come down
to running to stop the wedding!
Well, then, you run, girl.
You run like a sexy 18-year-old
in a coming out novel
who just realized that they're in love
with their theater partner, Ryan.
Get it!
Those days of warm rains
Come rushing back to me
Say it, say it again
I love you, always, forever
Near and far, closer together
Say you'll love, love me forever
Never stop, never, whatever
Near and far and always...
[slowed] Slow motion.
Soooo dumb.
Never stop, never, whatever
Near and far and always
And everywhere and every
Say you'll love, love me forever
Never stop, never, whatever
Near and far and always
And everywhere and everything
- Stop!
- [all gasp]
- Natalie?
- Josh.
[panting] Oi, I just need one second.
Sorry.
I basically just ran,
like, a half marathon.
Oh, with no sports bra.
- [congregation murmuring]
- Natalie, what are you doing?
I'm here to stop the wedding.
[all gasp]
Don't worry, everyone, it's, erm...
She's clearly out of breath and her mind.
Are you feeling okay, honey?
'Cause you know, he's mine, right?
We have a... soul connection.
[all] Awww!
Er, no, she doesn't even know Josh.
What? Of course I know Josh.
[laughing] Really?
Uh, what's his favorite vegetable, then?
Well, that's random.
No one has a favorite vegetable.
See? She doesn't even know Josh.
It's tableside guac.
That's not even a real vegetable.
It is to him.
Technically, it is.
It's avocados, smashed.
- Stop it.
- Sorry.
[Natalie] Josh.
I know I don't have legs for days,
and I'm not some yoga... whatever the sh...
Yoga ambassador. A yoga ambassador.
Ambassadors are for countries,
not for stretching.
Josh. Look...
I know you think Isabella
is the girl of your dreams.
[sighs] But what if you're wrong?
Nat...
Okay, yeah, I'll never look like her.
But...
I'm smart and kind and funny
and...
I'm passionate about work,
and I'm really weirdly good at karaoke.
Josh...
You should choose me, you should love me.
Because I love...
[sighs] I love...
I love me.
Holy crap.
I love me.
Oh, my God, this whole time,
I thought I had to get somebody else
to fall in love with me, but I...
I had to love me.
[sighs]
Okay, I'm just gonna go.
Just to be clear,
you're not still stopping the wedding?
No, just go... carry on.
You guys, erm... Yeah, do your thing.
I'm gonna do me.
Good luck with everything.
I don't have high hopes
for what's going on there.
Josh and Iz, what's their couple name
gonna be? Jiz?
- [congregation murmuring]
- [chuckles] Love!
It's crazy, right?
I guess
I don't really have a choice, do I?
Makin' my way downtown, walkin' fast
- Faces pass and I'm homebound
- Whoo!
[Natalie] As I drove away,
I began to realize that loving
yourself is...
There's something there...
[man] Okay.
Looks like someone
got a pretty bad bonk on the head.
Bonk? No, no, no, no, no.
You're too hot to be a doctor.
How can I still be stuck here?
Get out of here. Wrong room.
Sorry, they're shooting
and he's just doin' some research.
God, I should have been a TV doctor.
This totally blows,
I'm buried in lawsuits...
You got mugged in the subway.
- I... I did?
- Yeah.
You were in a medically-induced coma
for about 18 hours.
Am I... Am I okay?
Can I leave now?
If I say yes and I'm wrong...
will you sue me?
- No.
- Well, then my answer's yes.
Here, can you just... erm...
What are you doing with that?
Fuck!
Oh, did you hear that?
Yeah.
Aaah! Yes!
New Yorkis a shithole again!
Breakout
Taxi!
When explanations make no sense
When every answer's wrong
You're fighting with lost confidence
All expectations gone...
My apartment's shitty again!
Yeah!
Ah! Baxter!
I'm back, and you're back to normal!
Hey, Baxter? Pyeow!
Baxter, play dead.
Close enough.
- You're down to earth
- Break down the walls
Break down...
Donny!
You're still here!
Mm.
Come on, frittatas are up.
Oh, no. You're still gay,
you must be trapped.
Wait, what? What do you mean, trapped?
I've been gay for forever.
What? What about all those girls
that come to the apartment?
I sell weed, and we live like a block
from an all-girls school.
- Did you not know that?
- Huh?
Oh, right, 'cause gay guys
can't be drug dealers.
- That's offensive.
- Yeah.
[camply] You like your gay guys
to talk like this? Is that it?
- You want 'em to talk like this?
- Mm-hm!
Yeah, do you wanna go out to Fire Island?
- Yeah, are you a Virgo, like me?
- Mm-hm!
Okay, we're real, this is how we are.
Thank you.
Do you want weed?
Hey, Nat. I'm running late to a meeting.
Can you clean this up for me?
Erm, I have things to do and placesto be,
so why don't you clean that shit up?
Oh, yeah.
[Donna] Natalie, you won't believe it.
The 3D printer is down again.
Can you call...
You? Call you?
Is that what you were gonna ask me?
You're the person to call
when something breaks in the office.
- No, actually, I was gonna...
- Sorry, one second, I'm just gonna call.
Donna, hi, it's Natalie.
Yeah, can you do your goddamn job?
[clicks]
[Natalie] Oh, Whitney.
- Oh, my God! Hi!
- Hi.
I know it was only like one day,
but I missed you, like, a lot,
an unhealthy amount.
What happened? Are you okay?
I am actually the best I've ever been.
But please, okay,
you need to promise me
that we will never ever fight again.
What? We would never fight.
Mostly because you letme
watch movies all day.
Well, about that, I was thinking
that we cut back on the movies.
- You're right, totally right.
- Yeah.
I could stop whenever I want.
They're unimportant to me.
Erm... How about one a day?
How about none a week?
Okay, tough but fair.
Yeah, like my leg hair.
- [laughs]
- TMI. Okay. I gotta get in there.
Okay, bye.
- Whoa.
- Let's go.
[American accent]
Perfect. Let's get some coffee.
Actually, I don't do that.
What do you do?
Take a seat, darl, you'll find out.
I think you'll find it very... beguiling.
[boss] Natalie.
I'm presenting my idea for his hotel.
We're not doing that yet.
Well, I am. I'm ready.
Ow! Oh.
Okay, Mr. Lewis, I've been thinking
a lot lately about what we value,
what we deem worthy of investing
our time and love
and, of course, our money into, so...
as we design your exciting new hotel,
I would like to first focus
on the parking garage.
The parking garage?
Yep.
Think about it.
They're dark... they're closed off.
[chuckles]
Nobody ever really notices them.
But what if we open them up?
What if we actually...
made something of them?
Made them bright and airy...
and there were glass walls everywhere?
And then, suddenly...
something that was invisible,
something nobody ever cared about
or looked twice at...
suddenly, they're not invisible anymore.
People actually look at them and...
see beauty.
They see something...
at least.
I think that could be,
like, really special.
[Blake] Hm.
It's actually not a bad idea.
Thank you.
It's actually a great idea,
that I thought of.
And I'm just gonna get started on it.
All right, let's do it.
Okay, I'll see you guys later. Peace out.
What does beguiling mean?
[dance music playing]
And you! You need to stop living
in a fantasy land.
Hello? Hello?
Hello, Josh!
Oh. Hey.
- Yeah, okay.
- What's up, Nat?
You need to stop staring out that window
at some stupid girl
in some stupid little swimsuit.
Okay? That's not all
it's cracked up to be.
You need to start living
in the real world,
and stop thinking
that you're gonna get with some model,
and that that's gonna make you happy.
You done?
Okay, here, take a seat.
Come on, sit down.
- You're not...
- Come on.
- You're not pushing me again?
- No, no, no, no.
Hang on. Okay.
- [sighs]
- Stay right there, don't move.
Just...
[sighs]
So what do you see
when you look at the billboard?
[mouths]
I was lookin' at you.
I'm always lookin' at you.
Josh...
You're such an idiot.
Okay.
- Well!
- [chuckles]
Maybe we should go out sometime, then.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- If you wanted to.
- That'd be great.
Okay. Yeah, good. Good... Great. Great.
- Yeah, let's...
- Yeah.
Why are we talkin'
like we're angry with each other?
I don't know. I was just on a roll
this morning, and now I'm...
Now I'm really happy. [chuckles]
So, uh, this weekend?
Karaoke or something?
Yeah, that'd be...
Yeah. I mean, I might outshine you, but...
- Okay, all right.
- Cool.
Yeah, it should...
...This is gonna take a long time.
That one takes a while sometimes.
- [bell dings]
- Okay, there it is.
[mouths]
[clears throat]
[elevator dings]
[panting] Oh...
Wait, did you just run down the stairs?
I'm trying to be calm,
but where are you going?
I'm just getting a coffee.
'Cause I'm now my own coffee bitch.
I just wanted to say I'm so proud of you.
Upstairs was amazing.
Just to be clear,
Josh does not complete me.
I complete myself.
You know, God...
Even though you were so cynical,
it looks like you have the dream job,
the guy that really likes you,
the really cool best friend, me...
It's like you are in one of those
love stories that you hate so much.
Yeah, all I need now
is some catchy musical number.
Come on, girls
Do you believe in love?
'Cause I got somethin' to say about it
And it goes somethin' like this
Huh
Don't go for second best, baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know you've got to
Got to express how you feel
And maybe then
You'll know your love is real, yeah
You don't need diamond rings
Or 18-karat gold
Fancy cars that go very fast
You know they never last no, no
Oh, what you need is a big strong hand
- To lift you to your higher ground
- Ooh, lift to your higher ground
Make you feel like a queen on a throne
Ooh, make him love you
Till you can't come down
Don't go for second best, baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know you've got to
Got to express how you feel
And maybe then
You'll know your love is real
Long-stem roses
Are the way to your heart
But he needs to start with your head
Satin sheets are very romantic
What happens when you're not in bed?
Mm
You deserve the best in life
So if the time isn't right
Then move on
Move on, yeah
Second best is never enough
You'll do much better, baby
- On your own
- On my own
Yeah
Don't go for second best, baby
Put your love to the test
You know, you know you've got to
Got to express how you feel
And maybe then
You'll know your love is real
Express yourself
[all panting]
Oh... [horn beeps] ...it's hot.
Oh, yeah, we with it
Yeah, yeah, we with me, with me
With someone who get me
What do you give me, give me?
Yeah, yeah, we with it
Yeah, yeah, we with it
Yeah, we stay with it from beginning
To be in it
I'mma do it my way
Don't they know it's my way?
I'll just do my thing
'Cause I like the way I do it
I'mma do it my way
I'mma, I'mma do it my way
- Oh, oh
- My way
And we say oh
- Oh
- How you like me now?
Got you feelin' my side
I see you any time
- Hit you, like, ow
- Oh
Yeah, I can't compromise
'Cause I'm nothin' like it
I just try it
- Singin' I'mma do it my way
- Oh
Don't they know it's my way?
I'll just do my thing
'Cause I like the way I do it
- I'mma do it my way
- Oh
Don't they know it's my way?
I'll just do my thing
'Cause I like the way I do it
- I'mma do it my way
- Oh
- Oh
- I'mma, I'mma do it my way
- Oh, oh
- My way