Give me my Romeo, and when he shall die,
take him and cut him
out to little stars -
and he'll make the
face of heaven so fine.
And all the world will be
in love with the night -
musicMystical: Shake Ya Ass (Background Music)/music
and... make the face of
heaven so fine that all...
the world will be in love....
musicMystical: Shake Ya Ass (Background Music)/music
... all the world will be
in love with the night...
Excuse me! Excuse me!
- Woody, will you turn that down?
- Sorry, I can't hear you!
Turn the noise down!
Sorry, did you say something?
I'm trying to study but it's impossible
with that racket going on!
- It's not racket, that's Mystical!
Whatever it is, will you
please switch it off?
- What's it worth?
- The gratitude of a music lover?
Alright, I turn it off!
If you flash me! Show me
what girls are all about!
You are a pig!
- Anyway, I've seen them before!
- What! You have not!
Have now!
Good morning, Mr. Fluffy.
- Woody, are you up yet?
- Oh, yeah!
- Good morning, Daddy!
- I have some mail for you, princess.
It's from Yale!
I have an interview next week!
I applied for early
action for you, honey!
My precious little
girl are going to Yale!
I have to get through the
interview first, mother!
- You won't let us down, never have.
- Never has.
- Isn't it exciting, Ted?
- It's very excititing, Katherine.
- Are you excited?
- I am.
I'm so excited I could yell it
from the roof tops!
Thank you, mother!
musicBachman Turner Overdrive:
You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet (Background Music)/music
musicBachman Turner Overdrive:
You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet (Background Music)/music
Everything OK back there?
No problem, honey.
Just searing off a
couple of finger prints.
Carry on, my good woman.
- Big game's coming up soon, son?
- Yep!
Coach says all the big college scouts
gonna be at the game.
Yeah, I know.
Speciality of the House! I call
it 'Eggs What the Heck'
So much of fine cuisine is down to
presentation, don't you think, son?
Oh yeah, absolutely!
You'll be the first member of
my family to go to college.
He'll be the first member of your
family to go to freaking school!
That's true.
But son, if thing's don't work out,
there'll always be a job for you -
with Stan the Man at Spatula World.
- To me, the greatest
living American should...
have individual accomplishments -
but also have a lasting influcence
on America and with the world.
And that is why after careful
consideration my candidate...
- Yo, what's up boy?
- Hi, Horse!
- Nice grab, Horse! How's it hanging?
- To the floor, my friend!
What say we shift this
baby into warp drive, huh?
I want you to feel the
wind blowing through...
the hair of your fine muscular ass!
Hit it please!
musicEminem: Without Me/music
Well, looky here!
Is that not a pencil necked
virigin girl I see before me?
I do believe it is.
She's standing dangerously close
to a vast pool of water.
For a smart girl, that ain't so smart.
Thank you!
OK, just keep walking.
No one will notice.
Who wants cotton candy?
Hey, Nell, I love what you've
done with your hair!
Thanks, Glixen.
Three, two one...
Hey, watch it!
- Harry!
- What's up baby!
Wow wow, people around!
Nice look!
Special needs boy and his muse,
the lovely Clamydia.
My name's Breanna, you geek!
By the way, sorry about
this morning.
That puddle just...
showed up in front of us!
Oh, that's OK, please don't
apologize it, I understand.
While archetypal outsiders
such as myself...
rarely fit comfortably into
high school environements -
this is as good as your life will get.
The big football star and his
vacuous cheerleader girlfriend...
Head cheerleader.
Because, let's face it.
The old gray matter...
ain't exactly top level, is it Woodster?
So you end up with
a job with your dad -
and probably marry Breanna here.
But soon you start drinking to numb
this aching feeling you have inside.
Fast forward a few years
and you're a drunk...
fat guy at a bar talking
about the good old days.
While your little wife whose
looks have gone to the dodo -
is prepping up her self
esteem with squalid...
sexual encounters with your
friends behind your back.
- What friends?
- I'm guessing most of them.
Have a good day.
Class, please turn to
page 488. Paragraph...
demarked 'Early history' -
which reads: 'Combined
with the study of mankind -
in all its aspects,
especially human culture -
we are therefore examining
that society through...
the exploration of classical structure.'
Now, do not forget to make full use
of your abstract database.
And class, please make
sure the references of...
the source material
include the internet.
That's OK for now but -
you might want to omit that
page from your reference list.
Now, Mr. Zbornak will be taking
your field trip this week.
I tried on the most
amazing dress for the dance.
Think Beyonce's wow-factor meets Gwen
Stefani's outfit of individuality -
with just a sprinkling
of designer slut Aguilera.
The whole thing's very
Madonna...
before she got old naturally.
Sounds hot!
Now, I think Armani
would be good for you.
Stylish yet understated -
so you look good but you don't
distract attention from me.
Mr Deanne! If it's
not too much trouble?
OK, just a minute!
Take a look at this odd looking fella!
Texcatlipoca -
the ancient Aztek god
of sorcery. Associated...
with the notion of destiny.
Tex here has an interesting resume:
He was the god of night,
lord of the smoking mirror.
A shape shifter -
a powerful SOB.
Mr Deanne, do you think I might
have your attention?
Or does Mr. Horson have something
particularly interesting to say?
I'm betting on unlikely.
OK, time is short,
people. I want you to...
pair off and take in
the rest yourselves.
Remember: research,
analyze and...
...describe!
Very nice.
Mr Horson, you go with Glixen.
Mr Deanne, you go with Miss Bedworth.
Let's get your learn on.
So, checked out any
porno sites lately?
I cannot believe I'm
stuck with you. Let's...
hope I don't breathe
in any retard germs.
Let's hope I don't get any
pencil neck virgin disease.
Get stuffed.
I hate you!
It's because you secretly
want to have sex with me!
When I do decide to surrender
the flower of my womanhood -
I've always imagined it to be with
someone of my own species!
There's is nobody else in your
species, except maybe Glixen.
You're such a moron.
You really think...
the world evolves around
rap music, football
and hanging out with the right crowd?
You know, you make me sick, you think
you are so different to everyone else.
Different from.
You said 'Different to'. The correct
phraseology is 'Different from'.
Thanks for that information.
You're no different...
from any other geek with
books instead of friends -
and you don't have to open
your big fat mouth to correct me.
- Neanderthal!
- Spaz.
I should pity you but I can't.
I hate you too much.
I rather cross my legs for
the rest of the night...
for everybody than to
be anything like you!
- Dito!
- 'Dito'?
Double dito!
Double double dito times a
thousand trillions!
'... and forever more shall find
her destiny to live alone no more.'
Good night, Mr. Fluffy.
Oh God, my head...
I must be dreaming. Time to wake up.
What was that?
Tits!
I have tits. Two tits!
This is the regular number of tits
but for a guy? What's going on here?
Oh my god, it's gone!
This looks bad. If it's
gone and I have tits -
that means this must be a dream.
A very very bad 'Now I have tits' dream.
What is this?
This isn't my room!
We need to talk!
Talk? She want's to talk?
Let's talk about why I'm
going through a drawer...
full of underwear with the
days of the week on them. !
Oh God!
OK, now my pubes knows it Wednesday!
It's tough enough getting
these damn things off!
How the hell does anyone
get these things on?
Ladies, looks like you and
me is going au naturelle.
Go away!
Alright, coast is clear.
Get off.
Good morning!
- Nell, is everything OK?
- I didn't see you there!
- Your oatmeal is on the table.
- I'm in a hurry, gotta go.
Nonsense, now you sit down, it's
the most important meal of the day.
And oatmel is wonderful for promoting
healthy and regular bowel movements.
That's cool if I want to take
a dump the size of my head.
Excuse me?
Oatmeal's good, mummy.
musicDeep Purple: Hush/music
Is this meat?
- You have oatmeal?
- Are you shitting me?
- Porkmeat's good.
- Eat up, son
Jesus, I'm gonna puke.
Golly, you must have been hungry.
You need a second helping.
You wait there, young lady!
How's it going, pretty boy?
Let's go!
It will turn you into
a big strong girl!
Excuse me.
See you later.
Nell, aren't you forgetting something?
Holy crap, look at the
size of that thing!
What thing?
Gotta go mom, see you later.
Hop in man, we got places to go,
people to see, women to impregnate.
You OK?
Yeah, I'm fine!
Really?
The bitch stole my ride!
- We're going a little fast?
- You bet your sweet ass we are!
I am going to die!
Oh god, I'm getting on
the bus. I haven't...
been on the bus since 8th grade!
Come on!
Screw you assholes!
That's no way for
a young lady to talk!
Sorry, I'm a bitch when I'm on
the rag, you know what I'm saying?
- Sorry!
- Yeah, you too.
And this dress is just amazing
You!
What the hell have you
done to me, witch lady?
Get your hands off me, you bully!
God, you think I'm responsible for this?
I certainly am not. And you're
the one who knows everything.
That does not include this!
This is impossible.
This can not happen!
You better figure out how
to get my damn body back.
Trust me, there's nothing
I would like more.
You think I relish waking up
another day with the Simpsons?
Leave my parents out of this.
And what is up with your mother?
She never heard of volume control?
Yak farmers in Tibet are praying
for her to keep the volume down.
And her language, my goodness!
My mother does not have a mole
on her face the size of the White House.
So she's got a problem
with moles. Besides,
it's not a mole, it's a beauty spot!
I can spot that beauty from Wisconsin!
Insensitive pig!
I don't want to be a boy, OK?
Especially I don't want to be you!
No, no, no, don't cry, not here.
Maybe it's just one of those 24
hour things. Like a head cold.
Tomorrow we could be back to normal.
Just try not to attract
any unnecessary attention.
Gross, I have to touch it? Ewww!
I will never eat finger food from a
buffet again for as long as I live.
Your homework was to prepare a
speech on the greatest living American.
I'm sorry I missed it
but I was excused...
from homework due to
cheerleading practice.
I see. And Nell?
What?
Your speech please. On the
greatest living American?
I think the greatest
living American is...
...J-Lo.
- J-Lo?
- You know, Jennifer Lopez?
Singer, movie star. She had a thing
with that dude from 'Pearl Harbor'.
I know who J-Lo is now.
I am just very interested
to hear what you...
perceive qualifies her for
such a unique accolade.
The thing about J-Lo is that...
...she's from the streets..
And now she's like this big movie
star and... she's still really cool.
She used to have a little,
now she's got a lot.
But she's still J-Lo from the block.
And I think that's pretty damn great.
And she's American.
And she's a wife.
I see.
J-Lo?
Pretty good, huh? It just
flew right into my head.
At least there's plenty
of space for it to land.
What is your problem? I happen to
like J-Lo! She's a hot booty!
You do not bestow an
honor such as 'Greatest
Living American' solely on
the fact of a hot booty!
I didn't! She also happen to
have a terrific set of funbags!
Woody Deanne, you're
an idiot and a Philistine.
Know what, I don't appreciate
you calling me an idiot.
And I don't know what
that other thing is...
but as sure as hell
ain't one of them either.
Hey Woody!
What a lovely sight.
Swill time at Getty Central.
Dear God, now I have to eat
with these creatures?
My parents are going
out tonight, maybe you...
wanna come over to discuss
what you wanna wear
for the homecoming dance?
I have things to do.
What I meant was: we'd be alone.
So maybe I might do
that thing when I...
- You filthy little slut!
- You do that?
Last week he begged me to do that!
- So what is it, what do you do?
- Get lost, you little spastic.
I can not believe Woody turned down
the chance to have sex with me tonight!
Am I in like bizarro world?
If I had Richard Wainwright
sniffing around me,
I wouldn't waste my time on Woody.
It's not that simple Tiffany.
Today football captain,
tomorrow GQ Man of the Year.
You need to plan these things!
Personally I'd be relived if Horse and
I didn't have sex.
Sometimes I think it's
the only reason he's with me.
That is so not true Chanel.
You have many fine qualities.
Really? Like what?
You have excellent taste in earrings.
And your hair looks really good.
And you're friends
with me. Case closed.
- Woodster! Come on in, my man.
- How are you?
Cool as frozen shit, homie.
Yo, we have extra practice tonight,
alright, don't forget!
I'm in the mood to
kick some serious ass!
Oh yeah, me too!
...only I have a prior
engagement that...
conflicts with the
whole ass kicking thing.
Wait, we're a week away
from the game against Lamont.
Do you know what the coach will do to
your nuts if you don't show up tonight?
No, I'll tell you. He will
grind them into dust.
Nut dust.
And the only kids you'd be able to have
is the itsy-bitsy patter ones.
Alright, here we go!
Wood?
Cut the ball, man!
- Woody?
- Sorry, coach.
Alright, let's get this.
Go!
- Wood man, come on!
- Wake up, boy!
Sorry, coach.
I got it!
What the hell were you doing out
there? You play like a damn woman!
I'm a little pique.
- It means off colour.
- I know what 'picque' means!
You listen to me, and you listen good!
This homecoming game is gonna be
the biggest game in those boys' lives.
You may have a god given talent but I...
will not let you risk
it. Do you hear me?
Yes, coach!
You get your shit
together or you'll be...
watching the game from the side lines!
Don't let it bug you buddy,
just hang in there!
Look, you just hit a slump,
just like a golfer.
It doesn't matter how big you are,
every now and again you lose a swing.
So you keep working on your strokes
and banging those balls.
Do you wanna touch my helmet?
My lucky helmet. It works
for me, maybe it'll...
do you the same. Go
ahead, give it a rub!
musicElton John: Candle
in the Wind/music
Oh man, this is crappy music!
Loser!
Yeah, you too and your mama!
I heard about football practice.
- Those boys are really rough.
- I'm covered in bruises.
I don't care about your bruises.
If coach drops you my life is over.
Why are you so worked up?
It's only a game!
No, it's not only a
game. It's football!
Jesus, don't you get anything?
I get that clearly
this is not a head cold
Do you have any better
theories, smart ass?
Look at you. What am I wearing?
Chinos and a Oxford cotton button-down
I found in the back of your closet.
Which is exactly where
it is meant to stay!
Nonsense, you can't
beat the classic look!
My hair, you've made it all dorky!
A center parting is
very European looking.
No, it is very dorky looking!
Excuse me for taking a little
pride in your appearance!
You could have ruined my life,
I look like a male version of you!
As long as I'm stuck
inside this disgusting...
body, you'll just have
to put up with it!
Alright, if that's how
you want it, sweet cheeks.
musicScissor Sisters:
Filthy / Gorgeous/music
Nice ass!
You're looking fine, sugar!
- What are you doing?
- Protecting your modesty.
You look like a common prostitute!
Damn, I was going for
a high class hooker!
You can not walk into school like this!
I can do whatever I want. Now get
your hands off me or I'll scream.
What are you doing?
You're supposed to be Shakespeare.
OK, here goes.
Nice penis.
Nothing like a bit of personal hygien.
Well, it has to be done.
Come on, think about it.
And she's totally
pretending to be pretty.
- Hello, Woody.
- Hello, Breanna.
I have something I want to say to you.
Let me guess: you're sorry
about blowing me off.
No. I'm afraid we can't
see each other any more.
Very funny, Woody.
Well, I don't find you
that attractive any more.
You just look kind of plain.
And don't worry about your moustache.
Some guys are really into that shit.
Suck on this, Woody Dean.
I can't believe he said that to her!
You can't really see the hairs anyway.
What just happened?
Seems you and your
girlfriend just broke up.
Commiserations.
No! Me and Breanna?
Breanna and I, but let's
not quip over details.
- Broke up with my girlfriend?
- You'll get over it.
Wanna go for a ride?
I have to go, tonight's
a big night for me.
You too.
Congratulations. Tonight's the night
you finally get to lose it.
Nicky!
There you go, babe.
Thanks.
Nice...
- ... trailer.
- It's a dump.
But... my folks are away...
...and we won't be disturbed.
Never seen a chick
drink like that before.
My throat's a little dry.
Maybe I could moisten it up a little.
I can't. I need another beer.
Sure.
- You OK?
- I'm fine thank you.
You've been acting
kind of weird lately.
I think I know what's on your mind.
- I don't think you do.
- Let me guess.
You think if you don't
impress those scouts,
you're gonna end up
working with your dad
in spatula world.
What?
I ain't stupid, Woody. Just
let things fall into place.
Whatever you do, we'll be proud of you.
So you don't want to work
with spatulas, what the heck?
Not here.
OK, let's go to the master bedroom.
Let's get cracking baby,
cause daddy's packing!
Oh god, what was I
thinking? This is so gay!
What are you waiting for, baby?
Daddy wants to see some flesh.
He's gonna make me his bitch!
Woody the bitch boy!
Maybe you need a little help?
I have to pee.
Now?
Yeah, I can feel I have
to fricking go. So, you...
get undressed -
and don't start without me.
Hey, come back!
musicElton John: Candle
in the Wind/music
Not this shit again, man!
It's very melodic. If you give it a
chance you might learn to enjoy it.
musicElton John: Candle
in the Wind/music
No. Still shit.
Have you heard about
that grease ball Nicky?
She got it on last night.
Did you guys hear?
She did it in the trailer park.
She probably didn't even
know it was a trailer park.
Woody, are you crying?
What's wrong?
I'm sorry.
I just found out I lost my
virginity in a trailer park.
I gotta go.
I got a class.
Hey, do you think she
might do it with me?
No! Get lost.
What?
Don't worry. You had a great time.
Trust me, you'll never forget it.
How could you do this to me?
I know you're not the best looking
guy in the world but it's only sex.
I wanted it to be special.
Well, you started it.'A central
parting is very european looking'.
You lost me my girlfriend.
I was saving it for the
boy I fell in love with.
Look, nothing happened, OK?
- Really?
- Really.
That's not what Nicky
is telling everyone.
Well, Nicky is a liar.
Try telling that to the entire world.
How's it feel to be a cheap little slut?
Looks like I have to have a talk with
that son of a bitch, cause no one...
calls us the sort.
Pass the ball!
Nicky, here's your ho!
- Hey, I'm looking for you!
- You found me, baby.
What the hell did you say?
Nothing.
Oh really?
But I wasn't 100 percent true.
You greasy scumbag liar.
And you've got a very
dirty little mouth.
Then again...
...I already knew that.
- A little hellcat, ain't you?
- Asshole!
That's no way to treat a lady, mister!
And what kind of word is 'ain't you'.
It's wrong on so many levels.
Why don't you tell everyone
what really happened?
- Tell them!
- Nothing! Nothing happened!
I think you owe this sweet, innocent,
yet very attractive
young lady an apology.
Sorry.
I'm sorry!
Thanks.
It's so much fun to hit someone.
I'd like to punch him again.
Easy champ. Doesn't mean I forgive you
about screwing up about Breanna and I.
Breanna and me.
I'll try to fix things.
What's the point?
I'm a girl, remember?
Jesus, what am I gonna do?
Homecoming's next Friday.
My life is a complete disaster.
What were we doing
before this happened?
Arguing?
- You always argue.
- Not always.
We were at the museum.
- In front of that ugly Mexican dude.
- Aztek. Texcatlipoca.
- That's the guy.
- He's the ancient god of sorcery.
We close in 5 minutes, folks.
OK, you go first.
No, you go first, you
have the biggest mouth.
- Hi, how are you?
- Is that the best you can do?
He's a god, not your aunt Betsy.
You may have got the
impression that this...
young fellow and I didn't
like it each other.
But let me tell you, that could not
be any farther from the truth.
That's right. Sure we were fighting
but all friends fight, right?
How could you not like Nell? She is
really tidy and smart, way smart!
Kinda cute, especially when she
does that thing with her nose.
We get along really well.
- Yeah, we're actually very close.
- Closest.
Real homies.
- To the end, bro.
- Don't overdo it.
Now that we've got that cleared
up, here's what we're gonna do.
We close our eyes, count to three -
and when we open them up, we'll
be back in our right bodies.
If that's OK with you -
which I'm sure it is, since this
is just a big misunderstanding we can
laugh about in years to come.
Let's do it.
One...
...two...
...three.
Maybe he only speaks Mexican?
So what are we gonna do next,
buy him an enchilada?
I had my heart set on Yale.
No, please, not the tears, please?
You think I wanna end up
in my dad's spatula store?
You don't know.
Wait, wait!
You beat up Nicky.
You have my body, my strength.
All I need to do is
show you how to use it.
And we could study so you
could get through my interview.
Huh?
musicOrson: Tryin' to Help/music
Ready?
As hard as you like.
Come on.
Once the sign is given -
the center snaps the
ball to the quarterback...
and the game begins.
Are you with me so far?
The offence has a
limited amount of time...
Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and more temperate.
Rough winds do shake
the darling buds of May.
And summer's lease hath
all too short a date.
So, he's not actually
saying that she's like a...
summer's day? He say she is
hot like a summer's day?
Yeah, that's it exactly!
Right, you know, I still
can't imagine ever...
actually saying something
like that to someone.
Feel like so uncool.
Maybe you'd just have
to meet the right...
person to say that kind of stuff to.
Or maybe I just don't
wanna look like a doofus.
Well, Shaky must really have liked that
one. She must have been some babe.
Actually, Shakespeare
wrote this to a young man.
- Shakespeare was a homo?
- We don't know that exactly.
You write a poem to
a guy telling him...
how hot he is and you
don't know exactly?
Gees, what do you have to do
before you know exactly?
Write an ode to a schlong?
I think that's enough for today.
The bard was a bender.
Who would've though?
See you tomorrow.
Good night.
Listen, I was wrong about
your parents. They're...
alright once you get used
to your mom's language.
Mom's pretty cool.
Woody, can I ask you a question?
Sure.
In the morning...
- Never mind.
- What?
- No, it's nothing really.
- Go on.
It's a little embarrasing but...
...every morning you...
...have this thing....
- The thing that you...
- What?
You know, every morning?
- You mean the old boner.
- That's not the word I would have used.
Boy, do I miss that guy.
I'm sure you do. What I'd like to
know: how can I get rid of it?
Only one way I know of.
That's disgusting...
...and there's got to
be another way, right?
Well, there is one thing that I
do in case of emergencies....
...sort of lets the air out of the
old tire, if you know what I'm saying.
First I close my eyes,
and I think of you.
- Works every the time.
- Good night.
See ya!
- Hey, you want one?
- No, thanks.
You've had it quiet up
there tonight. Are you OK?
Yeah, I was just studying with Nell.
Is that what you young people
are calling it these days?
- Nell's not that kind of girl.
- I know.
She's a good kid.
You know, way back,
her dad Ted and I used...
to hang out together.
He was a good guy, Ted.
He still is.
I mean, as far as I know.
What ever happened between you two?
Nell's mom, Katherine, I guess.
She didn't really approve.
We weren't her kind of people.
Good night, son.
Good night, dad.
Oh god, she's crying.
Chanel?
Are you OK?
Oh crap...
What's wrong?
It's about Harry. He's
seeing some other girl.
No, he wouldn't do that.
Well, how come I saw him with
his tongue stuck down her throat.
Did you see who it was?
No, they were in his car. But I
saw what they were doing clear enough.
Why are guys such jerks?
Why am I asking you, you know less about
guys than anybody on the planet.
I'm sorry.
- I didn't mean that.
- You're right.
What do I know about guys?
I was so stupid. I know how Horse is.
Why do you go out with them?
Cause when I started at
Westdale I felt invisible.
And then I started going out
with Horse and I became friends -
with Breanna and
Tiffany and Woody and...
everyone. And then people
started to notice me.
And I liked that.
So, I guess I'm just afraid
of feeling invisible again.
You know I think that a lot more
people feel that way than you realize.
You do.
You go your own way no
matter what anyone thinks.
I admire you, Nell.
And this is Mr. Stinky,
you have to say hello.
Why did you bring that pencil
neck to our sleepover?
Nell's OK.
She just wants to hang, right?
Carey told me we're all
going in our jammies.
I see you finally seen the
errors of your geekish ways?
I have. This girl
just wants to have fun.
OK. OK! Let's get to our PJ's!
Oh man!
Life is such a bitch.
Lock target in 5 and will
you check out that ass!
What about Chanel?
No, don't see her.
Think about it Harry -
are you willing to betray
the love of a good...
woman for the cheap thrill
of a one night stand?
You crack me up, you know that boy.
You were always into the
'faithful' but I'm the Horse -
and Horse people knows of
no such boundaries. And plus -
at night I'm a locked target
You know what happens. A few drinks,
quality control goes out the window -
and before you know
it, you're sucking...
face with some swill
muncher from downtown.
Or worse still. I end up here with you -
drunk on some dark street
telling you I love you.
And you know me doesn't
want that to happen, homie.
Let's go to a party.
musicSugababes: Red Dress (Background Music)/music
musicSugababes: Red Dress (Background Music)/music
So Breanna, you're not
seeing Woody anymore?
That is so over.
Such a shame. I mean, you
guys were the perfect couple.
Duh. I was only seeing him
because he's the football captain.
Without me, he's just another dumb
jock with his brains in his shorts.
Which is convenient because not
much else is going on down there.
Loser! Drink up, man!
musicSugababes: Push
the Button (Background Music)/music
musicSugababes: Push
the Button (Background Music)/music
Manicure, pedicure, face
masks. Are we done yet?
Nell, I couldn't help noticing that
you're a little on the hairy side.
Down below.
You've got sort of a
rainforest thing going on.
You're not supposed to be bushy?
- We've all gone totally latino.
- Totally.
Really?
You should too.
You know, we could do
it for you right now.
Latino.
What the hell, let's do it!
OK girls, we've got a green
light on the Brazilian wax.
Tiffany, bring me scissors
and depilatory strips.
Chanel, I'm gonna need
towels and hot water.
Nell, sit back, relax and do exactly...
One more, give me one more!
Bite down on this.
On three. One...
Maybe this is a bad idea.
Did I say you I love you, man?
I really do love you, man.
You're like... my... twin brother.
You're white but you're my twin brother.
Man, this is some kind of brazilian.
How are you feeling?
A little better.
- How much did you drink last night?
- I don't know.
I just remember feeling unusually
happy and having a really good time -
and then like somebody picked up
the room and started spinning it.
I don't know, I'm an idiot.
Think of it as a rite of passage.
Go easy next time.
Thanks for taking care of me.
See you after lunch. We
have stuff to do today.
Yeah, I know.
Drop back, pump it and
then throw the ball.
Alright, I can do that.
No, you're telegraphing,
you're way telegraphing.
Watch me behind me how I do.
- What is it?
- What's what?
That's sticking me in my ass.
We're meant to be playing football.
It's not my fault. I'm sorry.
It's your thing, not mine.
Yeah, but you're behind the wheel.
I guess that means you
find me attractive.
No actually, that means
you find me attractive.
Let's not read too much into it, OK.
This thing finds anything attractive.
That is such a guy thing to say.
Can we just keep playing
football, please?
Sure, as long as you keep
my dick out of your butt.
Ah, came through the windows!
One of the many skills
I've acquired lately.
Keep our voices down. If my mom knows
I have a boy in my room
she'd spontaneously combust.
I'm trying to settle what
to wear for your interview.
Navy suit, white blouse
and sensible shoes.
You don't think something
a little hotter?
It's an interview...
- You're joking.
- At least something I can control.
I've been thinking.
While we're like this -
I wonder if it would make sense if...
we could go to the
Homecoming dance together.
Not only because, well, who else
would we go with? I don't wanna get
stuck with pencil neck all night.
It wouldn't be a date.
- I'd like that.
- Great. It's a date.
A non-date date.
Nell, wash hands! Dinner!
My cue to go.
Not a real date.
It's alright! I'm OK!
I will be kinda late tomorrow.
Kind of.
Kind of late tomorrow.
What is with you at the moment? Ted?
Sometimes I feel as though I
don't know who you are anymore.
She's growing up, Katherine.
So, are you going to tell me
what you're doing or is it a secret?
It's no secret, I'm
studying with Woody.
Again?
Yeah, you've got a problem with that?
If you want to waste your
valuable time it's your affair.
Who says I'm wasting my time?
Oh Nell, you only have
to look at the boy.
What's wrong with him?
He's stupid, he's
trouble and he's a loser.
You told me so yourself.
There's nothing you can do to
change that. Look at his family.
That's basic genetics.
Hi, Mr Bedworth.
Is Nell around?
She's gone back to
school, son, she said...
she had to do some
extra studying. She has
her interview with Yale tomorrow.
Thanks.
- So, how have you been, Mr. Bedworth?
- I'm fine, Woody, just fine.
- Well, give my best to your wife.
- I will do.
What are you trying to do?
- Stop, you're gonna hurt yourself!
- Back off!
Why are you doing this?
Because this is who I am.
This is all I've ever been.
And now not even that.
Football's not who you are.
You don't get it, do you?
- People like you never do.
- People like me?
What exactly is it people
like me don't get?
People like me!
Then educate me, please!
We like to play ball.
Maybe we're even pretty good at it.
Maybe we get accepted to some
second rate shit kicker college -
or maybe we go work with our dad
at the spatula store. Who knows?
But what we don't get is a great job,
a big apartment in the city -
and a Yale education.
So that's what this is
about. The interview?
I don't know!
- It's OK to be nervous.
- Nothing is OK. Nothing!
Tomorrow I'm supposed to be playing
the most important game of my life.
This is my destiny. Mine!
I'm not supposed to be
attending some college interwiew.
So we got the wrong lives. Sometimes
you just gotta get on with life.
Let things fall into place.
Do me a favour.
Save your inspirational speeches
for someone who gives a damn.
I know who I am.
I'm a loser, I'm trouble and
I'm stupid. Basic genetics.
Can't help it.
Funny. I never took you for a quitter.
musicFefe Dobson: Be Strong/music
You can go in.
Miss Bedworth?
Please take a seat.
One of the qualities we hope for in
any of our students is their passion.
Your turn papers and test
results are exemplary.
But your love and
knowledge of literature...
is rare in a person of your years.
Thank you, but it's an
important part of my life.
Go on.
Poetry, for instance -
I like the way that it can
articulate and express feelings -
complicated and difficult feelings
that you can't express literally.
What about modern literature?
Are there any contemporary writers
and poets you particularly admire?
No. Not really.
Oh. Why is that?
Because they suck?
Welcome everybody to Homecoming,
the biggest game of the year.
Surely if poetry is
no longer relevant -
poets and their art form
are doomed to extincition.
I think that will be all.
Actually, I do like some modern poets.
In fact I love them.
50 Cent, Pete Pablo, Marshal Mathers.
I don't think I'm
familiar with their works.
Well, they're rap artists.
And you consider that to be poetry?
Absolutely. It's urban poetry, sir.
They talk about their lives and
experiences. They can be very brutal -
but often under a coat of humour.
Dark humour. Here, check it out.
Applauds for the home theme.
The Westdale Bay Beavers!
That's my boy!
Applauds for the
quarterback, Woody Deanne!
Woody Deanne!
That's my boy!
Wait!
Here we go!
Number 83, Johnny Chancer.
Hey you, leave him alone or
I'll sock you around!
Touchdown for The Razorbacks, folks!
Touchdown for The Razorbacks.
As they take the lead, 14-0,
early in the fourth quarter.
There's still time folks, as Woody
Deanne takes the play.
12th yard loss. This is
really unusual, folks.
You just messed with the wrong girl.
Hi Nell. I didn't know
football was your bag.
I just came to cheer the team.
We're not doing too good.
That's my boy! He's my boy!
Touchdown for The
Beavers by Harry the Horse!
- Sit your fat arse down!
- Point taken, my good woman.
- Do you want some of the dog?
- Yeah, thanks.
Thanks, dad.
This is it, folks.
Only 5 seconds to go.
Time for one more play. This is
make or break for The Beavers.
Ready?
That's it, girl!
Touchdown!
The Westdale Beavers wins
at the very last moment!
It's a touchdown by Woody
Deanne and The Beavers wins!
What are you waiting here for?
Woody! You're the man!
Thanks.
Great game, son.
- Decided for a college yet?
- I've had my heart set on Yale
since I was a little girl.
That's funny. You know what,
get your parents to give me call.
We're not Yale, but I think you
might like what we have to offer.
- Thank you so much.
- No problem. Great game.
You did it! You were great!
Did you see me out there?
I totally kicked ass!
And the guy back here, he
was a scout. He gave me his card.
- You're going to college. No spatulas.
- I saw.
You know what the best part is?
I totally loved it!
Your adrenaline gets pumping and
the crowd was totally into it.
The interview? Oh my god,
I totally forgot it.
How was it?
It was amazing.
I mean, the place was.
For a moment I really
felt like part of it.
I gave my best shot.
I'm sure you did.
And that's all anyone can ask.
And I tell you something.
They would be lucky -
to have someone like you. Thank you.
Dito.
You know, if I have to spend
my life as someone else -
I'd be honoured to be you.
Dito back at you.
Double double dito.
Woody?
- Hey guys, I'm back!
- What are you talking about, 'back'?
Hey there, Mr. Football hero.
Am I attractive enough for you now?
Please Mrs. Bedworth,
I need to speak to Nell.
She doesn't wish to speak with you.
I have to talk to her!
She isn't going to the dance, Woody,
but she did say she hopes
you have a good time -
with Breanna Bailey.
For just one moment, Woody,
I thought you had changed.
Come on honey, why the sad face?
You got everything we ever wanted.
musicDance Yourself to Death:
Life, Not Living/music
Oh my god! Look at that dress!
So, do you like my dress?
- Yeah, you look nice, Breanna.
- It's so tight, it shows everything.
I had to leave my panties off.
Let's hope you don't
get diarrhoea then.
I'm gonna get some punch.
Harry?
Do you like my dress?
Yeah baby, it looks good on you.
I am so nervous?
Are you kidding me?
You've got this in a bag.
Check the make-up? We won't be a minute.
Woody, straighten your
tie. Photographers!
You know, seeing you in that tuxedo
is making me feel kinda horny.
- Let's do it in the bushes!
- Serious?
Yeah, it'd be like
doing it with James Bond.
You know me: 009/2. License to thrill!
Woody, wait!
You wait over there, then
I'll walk by like Halle Berry -
and then you jump up and grab me.
Not a minute to miss.
Ready when you are baby!
Come and get me!
Chanel?
Goodbye, Mr. Bond.
Halle Berry wouldn't have done that.
Good evening, Westdale Bay!
And the presentation of the
crowns of this year's...
Hi, princess.
So you're not going to the dance?
Does it have anything to do with Woody?
Maybe.
He likes someone else.
But is she a princess?
Anytime soon she'll be a queen.
No contest. Princesses
are younger and prettier -
especially when they're my daughter.
You really like him, don't you?
Me too.
I think he's a good one.
I think you should go.
But I don't have anything to wear.
Just a...
Now, I'm not usually known
for my taste in fashion...
but the young lady in the
store said it was 'dope'.
I have no idea what
that means of course.
It's beautiful.
She said you need these too.
Apparently these are heavy.
For all I know they
could be dope as well.
Thank you!
And the title of Westdale
Bay High Homecoming King -
goes to -
our very own footballing
hero, Woody Deanne!
And now for the biggie -
this year's Westdale
Bay Homecoming Queen is -
Breanna Bailey.
Thank you, Miss Bidermeyer.
Principal Johnson.
And thank you, Westdale Bay!
There are so many people that I
need to share this great honour with.
My mother whose undying support and...
generous attitude
towards cosmetic surgery.
My hair dresser, Georgio Theodopolous -
Thank you, Breanna.
Another round of...
applauds please for
Homecoming King and Queen!
musicOzzy Osbourne:
Goodbye to Romance/music
Shall I compare thee
to a summer's day?
Thou art more lovely and temperate.
Rough winds bla bla bla something. Can't
remember. Yada yada yada.
It's alright.
I'm no Shakespeare -
my guess is Romeo wasn't much
of a quarterback, either, right?
I really wish I had
the most perfect and...
beautiful words in the
world to say to you -
cause if I did I'd say them but...
I'd say how great you make
me feel when I'm with you.
And how I love that little thing you
do with your nose when you smile.
How you always correct my
stupid grammar. I hate it.
But most of all -
I'd tell you that... you
make me a better person.
My own person.
And that's why I know
that this means nothing.
And you mean everything.
But hey, I'm just a stupid quarterback.
I don't know the right words.
Those were lovely words.
Perfect words.
Come here, dumb jock.
Don't try to stop me, pencil neck.
Stop that!
I'm the Homecoming Queen.
Let's get out of here.
- I'm the Homecoming Queen.
- And you're a bitch!
Nice ass, baby! How
about a little swirl?
musicGirls Aloud: I Think
We're Alone Now (Background Music)/music
Did I miss this? Did Woody Deanne win?
Sweet lord!
So, how are we gonna do this?
You're going to your chicken
shit college and me going to Yale.
You did it. It came this morning.
Congratulations!
You got in?
Oh my god, I did it!
Me and you did really good, huh?
You and me.
Or -
I?
Will you just kiss me already?
Yes, mam.
musicJames Blunt High (Background Music)/music
You can not be serious? A year of
sabbatical? We're talking about Yale -
for heavens sake, Yale!
I know mum. But what the heck?
If I may quote Snoop Dog:
Let's get it started!
musicBlack Eyed Peas:
Let's Get It Started (Background Music)/music
Dope, huh?
See what I'm saying?
Actually, I'm not sure
if this is Snoop -
it could be One Eyed Peas or 38 Cents.
I'm down with it anyway, bitch.