1
(CHRISTMAS CAROLS PLAYING)
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
MAN: Happy holidays.
GIRL: Merry Christmas.
WOMAN 1: Happy holidays.
WOMAN 2: Happy holidays.
MAN: Happy Hanukkah.
WOMAN 3: Happy Christmas
Eve to you.
MUPPET WOMAN: Hurry, Gladys.
GLADYS: I'm coming.
MUPPET: Wow, cool trains.
Uh-huh.
MUPPET MAN: Coming through.
Excuse me.
(GRUNTING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(THUDDING)
Hey, close the lid.
Hey, what are you doing?
You're letting the heat out.
MUPPET 1: You're dragging it.
MUPPET 2: I got it.
You're dragging it!
I got it!
Whoa. Yeah.
BOY: Yeah!
(MUPPET CROWS CACKLING)
(KISSING)
(CHUCKLING)
(MUPPETS SINGING) Deck the
halls with boughs of holly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
'Tis the season to be jolly
MAN 1: Merry Christmas.
MAN 2: Merry Christmas to you.
Whoa. Merry Christmas
to you. Bless you.
(CHUCKLING)
Why, if I live to be 102,
I'll never forget the year that the
Muppets almost missed Christmas.
An icy storm
blew in, and I...
Hey, buddy.
What are you doing?
We're trying to make
a movie over here.
Why, I'm Joe Snow, your
affable, good-natured narrator.
(CHUCKLING)
Snowman narrator? We don't
have no snowman narrator.
Now get out of shot,
you Burl Ives wannabe.
What, no snowman narrator?
Well, that's a big mistake.
I'm part of the whole holiday
collective consciousness.
I'll have my attorneys see you.
Frog, Slush, and Snow Cohen.
(SINGING) Hey, jingle bells,
jingle bells jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride
in a one-horse open sleigh
Hey, jingle bells, jingle
bells jingle all the way
Oh, what fun it is to ride...
Gonzo, I sold my
collection of rare cheese
to buy you this crystal petri
dish for your mold collection.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh!
Uh... Gee, Rizzo,
I sold my mold collection
to buy you this
diamond-tipped cheese slicer.
Did you save the receipt?
(SINGING) And making
spirits bright
What fun it is to ride and
sing a sleighing song tonight
Oh, Beakie, you sold your
periodic table of the elements
autographed by
Stephen Hawking
to buy me this stand
for my electron microscope?
(SQUEAKS)
Oh, but I sold
my electron microscope
to buy you these rare
mutagenic elements.
But don't open it.
(EXCLAIMS)
(WHIMPERING)
(SINGING) Oh, jingle bells,
jingle bells jingle all the way
Johnny, my best friend
in the whole wide world,
I sold my moped to buy you
this solid-gold record player.
Well, thanks, Sal.
(SINGING) Oh, what fun it is to
ride in a one-horse open sleigh
Yeah, jerk.
(JOHNNY SCATTING)
Hey, there he is.
Hey, come on,
sing a song with me, baby.
I don't feel like singing right now.
What?
Yeah, he doesn't feel
like singing with you.
Right, Kermit, my new
best friend in the world?
Oh, Kermie, mistletoe.
Here we go, Rowlf.
(SINGING)
Sleighing song tonight!
Leave me alone.
Oh, where's
your holiday spirit?
Piggy.
Just one Christmas kiss. Hmm?
Piggy! Would you
please leave me alone?
(GASPING)
(WHIMPERING)
Well...
Kermit, what's wrong?
Yeah, your gloomy
behavior would make us
wonder if something
bad has happened.
We lost everything.
MUPPETS: Huh?
Uh, you're good, I didn't know
you could read people like that.
It's a gift.
Like my gold record player.
I'm sorry I convinced you all to work
so hard and believe in this dream.
It was all for nothing!
(ALL GROANING)
We lost the money, we lost the theater.
We've lost everything.
But it'll work out all right.
Right, Uncle Kermit?
I mean, we'll just all pull
together and everything'll be okay.
Right?
ALL: Yeah.
Yeah.
Not this time.
(SIGHING)
Everybody!
Jingle bells, jingle bells
(ALL GROANING)
(GASPS) Kermit!
Help me, I'm stuck!
I can't help you.
I'll ruin your life.
(SIGHING)
(SIGHING)
(SHIVERING)
How could this happen?
Someone has got
to do something!
Oh, dear.
(WHISTLING)
Oh, Glenn. Hi.
Kermit the Frog has
got a real problemo.
So, you're gonna wanna
send someone down there
so they can dish out
a little yuletide justice.
Oh, sorry, Dan, no can do.
Daniel. I prefer Daniel.
This is a major crisis.
Dan. Danny.
Daniel.
We have strict guidelines
that define what is
and isn't an emergency.
I can't just dispatch
a field agent without
a thorough review
from the subcommittee.
Come on. You know that.
(CHUCKLES)
Listen, Feliz Navidad, amigo.
Huh?
(CONTINUES WHISTLING)
DANIEL: Fine.
If you're not
gonna do your job,
well, I'm gonna
do it for you.
I'm taking Kermit's case
to the Boss.
No, you're not.
Whoa. Hey.
Right, you're just gonna walk into the
Boss' office without an appointment.
That's the kind of attitude that's
gonna keep you in a cubicle, mister.
I don't care.
Kermit deserves justice.
He's going for it.
No, he's not.
He's gonna do it.
He's gonna do it.
No way.
I bet he's gonna do it.
WORKER: Troublemaker.
(WORKERS CHATTERING)
GLENN: What's next,
we're all gonna wear color?
Wait.
He's not gonna.
Nope. Nope.
No, it's called fronting off. The
young folks told me about this.
(DOOR BELL RINGING)
He did it.
(OPERATIC MUSIC PLAYING)
Career suicide.
(BIRDS CHIRPING)
(BOOMING VOICE)
Who dare disturb my peace?
(ECHOING)
Don't you just love the big voice?
It's so scary.
Hey!
(DANIEL GASPS)
What, too big?
No.
A Jurassic butterfly.
Whoa, that's cool.
You can really see the beauty
of the compound bug eye.
I think it's too big.
Danny from
Accounting, right?
Uh, yeah.
Daniel. Daniel.
Danny-L.
Well, Danny-L, do we
have an appointment?
No.
But this is an emergency.
It's about Kermit the Frog.
Listen, I don't
worry about him.
He always does
the right thing.
Yeah, well, I'm afraid
that if you don't help him,
he may never do
the right thing again.
What?
Can you please just take a
look at his case, Your Honor?
Your Excellency?
Your Bossiness.
I really can't, I have this
appointment with the archangels.
You know, we're talking
about Armageddon,
we're trying to get
Streisand for the post-party.
You don't know
how much this means to me.
I will never ask
for anything again.
(SIGHING)
All right, look. If you can convince
me that Kermit needs my help,
I'll send my best agent.
Oh, thank you so much.
But if you can't convince me
that Kermit needs my help,
you'll have to transfer all
of my albums to MP3 files.
Well, you have like every
album ever recorded. Ever.
Yeah, plus imports. So, you
better be right about Kermit.
Have a seat.
What channel?
8-5-7-3-2-9-6 and
then press pound.
Well, which one is pound,
is that the tic-tac-toe thing
or the squiggly bug thing?
Tic-tac-toe.
Oh! You do it.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh... I should probably
rewind it a little.
Yeah.
You know? And that's why
I have this funny collar!
That's a great story, Kermit.
Thanks.
You're funny.
Aw.
Listen, Kermit,
I wanna talk about
your big holiday show
that's coming up.
Tell everybody about that.
Yeah, well, listen,
I'd be happy to.
It's going to be a lot of fun and we
could really use the support right now.
Listen, Kermit,
I love the Muppets,
so I, for one, will be
there front and center
at your Christmas
Eve performance,
and I urge everybody watching
to come to the show, too.
Oh, Thank you,
Carson, that's great.
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
Kermit the Frog.
Get your tickets now
for the Muppet Christmas Show,
starting Christmas Eve.
Thank you, Kermit.
Thank you, Carson.
Thank you,
thanks everybody!
That went well, Kermit. See
ya at the show! Thank you.
Yeah. All that free publicity should
definitely sell a lot of tickets.
I sure hope so. I've got
to go work on my act.
That's true,
I've seen it, yes...
Oh, sure, sure.
(EXCLAIMING) Who is this
little Carson Daly? What?
He's so now, he's so today.
GONZO: I know.
He's so cute.
Excuse me,
but who are you?
Bonjour. Je m'appelle
Luc Fromage.
What?
Yeah?
But I am not
stinky like the cheese.
What? No, no, it's a
different sort of smell.
But while you were out doing
all your promotional stuff...
Yeah?
... I hired Luc to help us
with the big musical number.
Oh!
He worked with
Cirque du Soleil.
Just a little. Un peu.
And he speaks French.
I took your little
Twelve Days of Christmas...
KERMIT: Yeah? ...and I
made them into this great...
Vehicle.
Yeah, vehicle.
(CHATTERING)
Yeah, yeah.
Into the journey of the soul.
But not this soul. Or this sole.
Well, no, no, no.
The deep place. The deep soul.
Oh, yes.
Very, very deep.
Well, I can't
wait to see it.
Cirque Du So Lame?
I don't think we want the
word "lame" in the title.
It is not lame,
you are lame.
It is lam.
Lam.
Lam, like the shiny fabric.
Yeah, lam.
Yeah, okay, okay, lam.
Right.
(COUNTING IN FRENCH)
Let the magic begin!
(SLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Whoa! Ah!
It speaks to
your essence, no?
No.
You're gonna love the five golden rings.
The what?
Gonzo to Scooter. Gonzo to Scooter.
Bring home the bacon, over.
10-4. Bacon down,
bacon down.
Roger.
Bacon down, bacon down.
Would you hurry up?
Don't make me miss my cue.
The ham is jammed. Repeat.
The ham is jammed.
(MISS PIGGY GRUNTING)
(EXCLAIMS)
(ALL SCREAMING)
Hang on!
LUC: I love the chaos!
I love the chaos!
I love the chaos!
(GRUNTING) My nose!
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
(CHUCKLING)
Yes! Yes!
Bravo! Bravo!
Luc, you're a genius!
Yes!
Bravo!
Yes.
So, what do you
think, Kermit?
Uh...
(STUTTERING) Well, it's not
really what I was hoping for.
What? Are you blind? Are you blind
in your little froggy eyes?
(SHUDDERING)
Well, look, Luc, I appreciate all
the work you've put in here,
it's just that our Christmas
show is days away,
and, well, I don't
even know what this is.
This is a metaphor
for the winter solstice
and the dark side
of Christmas.
Yeah.
Pathos and the dark side of Christmas?
GONZO: It's a metaphor.
No, no. Luc, we want our show to
focus on the joy of Christmas.
You would.
You're a little frog.
(SPITTING) I quit!
Well...
Whoa. Now what?
That was our big opening number.
What'll we replace it with?
I don't know, but we better
come up with something quick.
(LAUGHING MANIACALLY)
Geez.
I'll do my boomerang fish.
I throw them away.
And they come back to me.
(FISH WHOOSHING)
(BOTH EXCLAIMING)
Gee, Lew. I don't know.
Geez.
It's kind of lacking
in a Christmas theme.
Okay.
Yeah.
Rita! Murray!
Where are you?
We got pizza here!
Whoa. Who wants pizza?
Pizza, count me in.
Hey, Johnny, check out Rizzo's nose.
What's that?
It's so shiny, you could
even say it glows.
Wait a minute.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Check this one out.
Hey, Nosetradamoose.
Hey. Can you predict the
future with that thing?
Hey, hey, hey,
knock it off, will ya.
I got feelings,
too, you know.
Yeah, just not in your nose.
(ALL LAUGHING)
Let's see, shiny nose,
laughing and calling names.
I've got it! I've got it.
Meet the new star of the Christmas
show, Frosty the Snow Rat!
Gee, Gonzo, I thought you would have
gone for Rizzo the Red-Nosed Rat Deer.
Oh, sure, if you
wanna go for the obvious.
(PEPE SCATTING)
(CHUCKLING) This business is
in business, okay? Oh, yeah?
I got the health permit.
I got the fire permit.
The permit to operate
a topless nightclub.
What?
All the contracts.
Well, wait a minute. A permit
for a topless nightclub?
Better safe than sorry, okay?
Good point.
(CHUCKLING) So, Kermit, I will
need a ticket to Miami, okay?
A ticket to Miami? Why?
Ah! Well, I have been
invited to shake my bon-bons
at Ricky Martin's South Beach
Christmas Party, okay?
KERMIT: Cool.
(SCATTING)
Well, I don't know what to tell
ya, Pepe, but we're flat broke.
Oh, Hello!
Hello, Muffins!
KERMIT: Hello?
GONZO: Hi.
PEPE: Hola.
Hi!
Rachel Bitterman, new owner of
Bitterman Bank and Development.
Oh, well,
where's Mr. Bitterman?
Dead.
(EXCLAIMS)
Dead? Oh, my goodness,
I'm sorry.
Is there anything
we can do for you?
Yes, as a matter
of fact, there is.
You can pay me the considerable
debt you owe me, in full,
by midnight of the 24th,
or vacate this theater.
But the 24th
is Christmas Eve.
Yes. It also happens to be the due
date for payment on the theater.
It's funny how one day can
mean so many different things.
But we had a deal with Mr. Bitterman.
Yeah, you see, he said
we could extend the contract and pay
him after the whole week of shows.
That's right.
Oh, yeah.
Too bad you don't have
anything in writing.
What... Contracts,
what are you gonna do?
But Christmas Eve, that only
gives us time to do one show.
And how is that my problem?
Oh, it isn't.
Well, look, Ms. Bitterman.
We've worked so hard.
You know, owning this
theater is our dream.
Working for a dream.
That's beautiful.
My employees
work for a salary.
Salaries?
Is this like monies?
Yes, pumpkin.
And if you ever feel
like working for monies
instead of stardust,
you just let me know.
Okay, so if you need
boxes for the move,
you could check the back
of the liquor store.
Well, we're gonna
get you that money.
Yeah, when pigs fly.
(MISS PIGGY EXCLAIMING) RIZZO:
Get the rope, get the rope.
(CRASHING)
For the record, I consider that
flying pig to be a coincidence
and not a sign from God.
Ma'am, ma'am? I want to work for
monies instead of stardust, okay?
You said to let you know.
Oh!
But what about
our dream, Pepe?
Kermit, I must
think of Ricky Martin
and his dream
to salsa with Pepe.
And she's hot.
Welcome to Bitterman
Bank and Development.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Starbucks run?
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Do you know I like my coffee
like I like my women. A latte.
Oh!
(BOTH CHUCKLING)
PEPE: Do you know, I was talking
to my fabulous friend...
Wow.
You see what
I'm talking about?
Yeah.
Cup o' joe sounds
good right about now.
How do you have
coffee in a bush?
Shrub. It's a shrub.
When you write
the laws of the universe
you know where all
the loopholes are.
Hence, I created
a coffee shrub.
Anyway, (SIGHING) I can't believe
what Bitterman did. It's so immoral.
It's just... It's unfair.
It's immoral, it's unfair.
Why do you care about
Kermit's credit problems?
Just, please, keep watching. I
promise you'll wanna help Kermit.
All right,
I'll keep watching.
You're just lucky SpongeBob
isn't on right now.
I love SpongeBob.
Do I care?
Christmas is ruined.
What are we going to do? It would
take a miracle to save the theater!
(HARP ARPEGGIO PLAYING)
Oh, sorry. Like, I was totally
just tuning up my harp.
Well, you know. You know, guys,
let's not assume the worst.
I mean, maybe we'll be okay.
Yeah.
BEAKER: Me-me-me-me-me.
Excuse me, Dr. Honeydew?
Oh, yes?
Could you figure out a way to
raise enough money with one show
to pay Ms. Bitterman?
Let's work it out.
Beaker, would you boot up the
old window operating system?
(SQUEAKS)
Ooh! Mmm-hmm.
Uh-huh.
Now, if we let X equal
the value of our debt,
and Y the value
of seating capacity,
it appears maximum attendance will
result in Y being greater than X.
Yes, Beaker?
Me-me-mo-mo-me-me-mind.
Yes, I think you have
a beautiful mind, too.
So, we'll have enough money to pay
off Bitterman Bank and Development?
Yes. Wait, no. Yes.
KERMIT: Yeah?
No.
Oh, Beakie, do you
have my wax pencil?
(SCREAMING CONTINUES)
Oh, there it is.
Yes, as long as
we add 1,900 seats.
But that's impossible.
Or we don't pay
anyone till New Year's.
Well, that's not so bad.
Of next year.
Beakie?
...boils down to everybody, is we
sort of have to defer our wages.
(ALL GASPING)
What?
For a period of...
I can't do that.
...about a year.
(LOUD CHATTERING)
How will I afford
my Propecia?
That's not a toupee?
KERMIT: Look, everybody.
I know it seems like we've
already given everything we can,
but if we don't
give a little more,
we could lose
the whole theater.
Our home.
So, what do you say?
(SUITCASE THUDDING)
Piggy?
Oh!
Where are you going?
Oh, Kermie, I would love
to stay and work for free
but a Hollywood doctor show
needs a hip, young star
with her finger on the pulse of
today's urban youth. (GRUNTING)
And, well, naturally,
they called moi.
(THUDDING)
Typical.
I'm sorry.
Well... All right,
peeps, let's bounce.
MUPPET: I've seen her do that before.
Piggy!
Piggy, we need a star
for our show, too! Piggy?
(ALL CHATTERING)
Okay, fine. We'll just
do our show without her.
FOZZIE: Without her?
(ALL CHATTERING)
I just don't see how we can
do anything without Piggy.
I'm sorry, guys, it's...
Well, I hate to be
materialistic,
but, like,
how are we supposed to
have Christmas
without any money?
ALL: Yeah!
(ALL CHATTERING)
The words on
my coffee mug are right.
"It is hard to soar with eagles
when you work with turkeys."
Turkeys?
Turkeys?
What are you talking about?
What is that supposed to mean?
Guys! Guys! Look at us.
Fighting and being selfish when
Kermit has done so much for us.
We should be
ashamed of ourselves.
Yeah.
Well...
Fozzie's right.
Kermit, I defer my paycheck.
Count me in.
Thanks, Scooter.
We're in!
Yeah!
I'm in.
I'm in, too!
CHICKEN: I'm in.
I'm in.
I am in.
I'm really in.
All right, we'll show
Ms. Bitterman!
When we pull together
we can do anything, right?
Yeah!
Yes!
That's right!
Yeah!
Yeah, even if we go broke doing it.
Yes!
(ALL STUTTERING)
Gonzo?
Hmm?
You're not helping.
(CLEARING THROAT) Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
PEPE: This little fishy
went to the market.
And this little
fishy needs a kiss.
(KISSING)
And this little fishy
looks like my cousin Manolo.
But, Pepe, I want you...
Oh, I want you, too, okay.
Do not interrupt me.
I want you to tell me
everything you know
about the Muppets'
financial situation.
You tell me, Bitter, baby, I give you
all the papers right there, okay.
All the papers?
Yeah.
You mean,
this is the only copy
of the contract between the
Muppets and Bitterman Bank?
I needed to get all
the permits, okay.
(GRUNTING) Hey!
(PEPE CLEARING THROAT)
Maybe you should go
with the French tips.
Something in a little...
Forget the nails.
Listen, Peepee.
Pepe.
Sorry.
Do they know you have the
only copy of the contract?
Uh-huh.
Well, I cannot
answer this question
until we talk about
my Christmas bonus, okay?
I love your spirit.
Well...
Listen to me, my little king prawn king.
(CHUCKLING)
You answer this question, and I'll
give you your Christmas bonus.
Then tell me.
Tell me. Tell me.
(LAUGHING)
No, they don't
know I have it, okay?
Peel me, I'm yours!
Yes!
File this!
(GRUNTING)
Rough and sexy, okay.
But tell me, Bitterbuns,
why are you so excited about the
Muppet Theater anyways, okay?
For heaven sakes,
it's not about the theater.
No, it's about real estate. It's
about making money, not losing it.
It's about
something like this.
I call it Club Dot.
(GASPING)
Nice.
(CHUCKLING)
Does it come
with action figures?
No, it doesn't come
with action figures.
It's a scale model
of a trendy nightclub!
Oh! You're so brilliant.
But how will the peoples
fit inside? It's so tinies.
I mean, really tinies.
Come, I'll show you.
(GRUNTING)
I think your Club Dot is going
to need bigger doors, okay.
(HOWARD TUBMAN SINGING)
This is not what I taught you
and it's really bad
Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!
I don't know when
I've seen dancing so...
Wonderful. (CHUCKLING)
Yeah?
So how's it
going here, Howard?
Oh, Kermit.
Things could not
be better. Period.
Mmm-hmm. Hey, is it
possible to give 110%?
Because that's what I'm
getting from these girls.
Well, great. Well, listen,
keep up the good work, huh?
Okay, okay. Love that tushy.
Oh!
(CHUCKLES)
Okay, you clodhoppers. Let's go.
Five, six, seven, eight.
(SINGING)
Drummer Boy.
Well, that was
(CLEARING THROAT) loud.
Everybody take five, huh?
Gee, I don't know. It seems like the
show's still missing something.
I know. I'll do my
boomerang fish! I...
Thank you, Lew. Thank you.
Mmm-hmm. No, thanks.
Sorry, Gretchen.
I don't know, what do
you think, Fozzie?
Well, what does
the show need?
Gosh, Kermit.
Maybe what the show needs
is somebody who'll make people feel
like they got their money's worth.
Hmm. You know, somebody
with star power.
Yeah?
I know, Uncle Kermit. You should
call your famous friends.
You're right, Robin.
To the star phone!
Right, right. Listen, we are all big fans.
I watch you every morning.
And we were wondering
if you'd come out
and star in our Christmas
show at the Muppet Theater.
I don't know, Kermit,
I was planning on spending the
holidays with my loved ones.
Well, good golly, Miss Molly.
You are such a big star,
it would be an honor to us if you
would come out and be in our show.
Let me remind you about the
last time I worked with a frog.
We fell madly in love.
So, naturally, I have a key
made to his apartment.
I break in and reorganize his closets
while he's at work as a little favor.
And how am I rewarded for
going to all this trouble?
The frog stops calling me!
Remember that?
Hey, there, Madonna,
want a free Muppet T-shirt?
Courteney, can you juggle?
Thanks, Mr. Connery.
I understand,
Mr. Schwarzenegger.
Hello, Mister Rogers?
Hello, Angelina?
Oh, hi, there, Britney?
Hello, Nicole?
Gee, I could sure do with a little
star power around here, Triumph.
Is there any way
you could help me out?
Muppet movies are
always the best.
You mean that?
For me to poop on!
(LAUGHING)
Right, right,
ya got me again, bye-bye.
Hey, guys, he's coming.
(ALL CHATTERING)
So, anyway, the...
Sorry, everybody. There's
no luck finding a star.
(ALL GROANING)
Well, sure you can't find
anyone now, but just watch.
The day after Christmas, all these
stars'll be marked down 40%.
Yeah, but, yeah,
but don't give up, guys.
You know, I'm sure
someone will come through.
Someone like...
I don't know, just somebody.
ALL: Hmm?
You know, somebody will...
Like...
Uh...
All right, all right,
I'll go get her.
Yes.
All right.
Do we have rhythm?
Can't find a pulse.
Quick, the paddles.
Let's go.
Clear!
Nothing.
Alrighty, let's call it.
Time of death, 8:27 a.m.
(MISS PIGGY EXCLAIMS)
I think I'm feeling better.
The shocking things
worked! I'm alive!
No, you're dead.
No, I'm alive!
No, you're dead.
I'm alive. It's a miracle.
Cut. Cut.
What do you
think you're doing?
It's called acting, sweetie.
You're an extra.
You're supposed
to be a dead body.
Look, I didn't quit
the legitimate theater
to play some lump
under a dumb sheet.
I was thinking my character
could start dating J. D.
Then become a nurse with attitude.
You'd have to go.
Guess again, puerca.
Oh! All right.
Oh, I know. I'll be
the cute janitor.
Yes, yes, the cute janitor who works
her way up to head of hospital.
We just have to lose
Frankenstein over there.
(GROWLING)
Excuse me. Pardon me.
Kermie?
Pardon me.
Piggy, our show
really needs you.
We really need a star, would you
please, please consider coming back?
Oh, Kermie. I'm afraid
I'm "must see TV" now.
Scrubs needs me.
Yeah. Miss Piggy?
Yes, Billy.
You're fired.
I'm sorry, what did he say?
I think he said you're fired.
Gone.
Canned.
Shalom.
Fired? Fired?
You wouldn't know talent
if it hit you in the eye!
And it's about to, too!
Okay, guys,
I'll take it from here.
Sorry about that, Mr. Lawrence.
Piggy, let's go, okay?
Fine. I quit! I'm a real
theater actress, anyhow.
Not some spoiled TV show-off.
Just a little boost, guys.
You got it.
Thank you, thanks.
Naturally, Kermie...
Thank you, guys.
...as your star, I have
the following demands.
Yeah. Uh-huh. A fresh fruit plate.
Nothing frozen.
(GRUNTING)
"Pepe. My heart is
hot like a black car
"left in the sun
on a summer's day.
"I must have you now."
(GASPING) "Oh, Rachel."
"Oh, Pepe."
"Oh, Rachel." "Oh, Pepe."
MAN: So, Rachel. MS. BITTERMAN:
Call me Ms. Bitterman.
Okay, Ms. Bitterman.
Ms. Bitterman.
I'm just not
exactly clear...
Another mans?
I will curse him
like a plankton, okay.
So, what will you do
if the Muppets come up
with the money
before the deadline?
Come, my sweet potato brain.
The answer is here.
If the others are
as stupid as that
backstabbing shrimp,
they'll never notice
that I've changed the contract
from midnight to 6:00 p.m.
(LAUGHS) Right.
Changed the contract.
I don't get it.
Look.
The old contract,
the deadline was midnight.
The new contract,
the deadline is 6:00 p.m.
At 6:01, I foreclose
on the Muppet Theater,
gut it, and put up
a trendy nightclub
where I can sell
overpriced drinks
to pierced and tattooed
rave monkeys.
(LAUGHS)
Rave monkeys.
Come, Einstein,
let's go decorate my tree.
Right.
Decorate your tree.
(PEPE GRUNTING)
And tomorrow, you can
oil that chair for me.
Right. Oil your chair.
You know, not everything
is an innuendo.
Innuendo.
What have I done?
I must warn Kermit.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
STATLER: Yeah, okay.
Here's your one.
The Muppets?
Uh-huh. Got it right here.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Two tickets, please.
Get on in there.
Okay, here you go.
Mr. Kermit! Mr. Kermit!
(PANTING)
I have excellent news.
Oh, yeah?
We have sold enough
tickets to cover our debt.
Oh! Good! Hey,
everybody gather around.
Listen, everybody.
Before we go out there,
I just want to thank you
all for sticking together.
Because of all your
hard work and dedication
we've made enough money
to save the theater!
(ALL CHEERING)
Let's go out there and
have a great show, huh?
ALL: Yeah.
Oh, ooh.
Nice work, guys.
Nice work.
And, because
I love you all,
like cousins I no longer
keep in touch with,
tonight, I dedicate
my performance to vous.
Give us a kiss
for good luck, Kermie.
Well, I... Fifteen
seconds to curtain, boss.
Show's starting.
I'll take a rain check, Piggy.
Thank you, Scooter.
What?
Sure, anytime.
Places, everybody!
Places! Places!
Where you headed, sister?
(PANTING) Kermit, Kermit,
I must warn you, okay.
Gee, Pepe, shouldn't you be
in Florida with Ricky Martin?
No, no, no, no.
Listen, listen,
because the words I'm about to
say are very important, okay.
Okay, I'm listening.
You listening?
I'm listening.
You are sure? Because
this is very big, okay.
Pepe, the show's
about to start!
Left, right, left...
Left, right, left...
Okay. First of all, she cheats
on me with another man.
Good grief.
Okay.
And then the dollhouse.
Yeah, yeah.
You know the dollhouse?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, it's not a dollhouse.
It's a nightclub. Really.
It's a nightclub. Okay.
Imagine that.
And Ms. Bitterman, while
very sexy, is dishonest.
She changed the...
Kermit, the...
Great.
...left, right, left...
...left, right, left...
Oh, boy. Now,
let's see. Cue the intro!
Boss? You are the intro.
Hmm?
What? Good grief!
ANNOUNCER:
Ladies and gentlemen,
Kermit the Frog!
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Oh, boy.
Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to
the Muppet Christmas Show.
(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)
Now at this time,
we'd like to ask you to
please turn off all
cell phones and pagers.
(PHONES BEEPING)
I think it's off.
Okay, thank you. Now...
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
Merry Christmas, everyone.
It's showtime!
(ALL CHEERING)
(SINGING) There was a frog A
very strange, enchanted frog
And he came to France
where the ladies cancan dance
To the Moulin Scrooge where
our story starts for you
Wait, Donner.
Stop, Schnitzel.
(GASPING) Kermit...
Whoa. Uh-huh.
My, my. This sure
is a nice Christmas
here in Paris
in the year 1900.
I'm sure I'll find the inspiration
I need to write about love
here in this fancy,
red windmill.
Ooh! But first, I think I'll try
this funny, green root beer.
Ooh!
Hi, I'm the green fairy.
Well, what are you
doing in my drink?
The backstroke.
Ah! And, now...
Well...
Get ready for a magnificent, opulent,
stupendous, tremendous, gargantuan,
spectacular, spectacular!
Get ready for Moulin Scrooge!
(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLUCKING TO THE BEAT)
Kermit, Kermit! Kermit, Kermit.
It's really important.
Unbelievable, again. Really.
(EXCLAIMING)
When the beautiful Saltine, the
sparkling zirconia diamond,
saw this stranger, she knew
what she wanted for Christmas,
and it was green.
Ladies and gentlemen, presenting
the star of our show,
the beautiful, stunning,
exotic, voluptuous Saltine!
Saltine!
Saltine!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
(COUGHING)
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Come and get me, boys.
(GIGGLES)
(SINGING) Santa baby, slip the
sable under the tree for me
I've been an awful good girl
Santa baby, and hurry
down the chimney tonight
Let's pick it up a little!
Come and trim
my Christmas tree
with some decorations
bought at Tiffany's
I really do believe in you let's
see if you believe in me, too
Kermit!
What?
(PEPE STUTTERING)
(ALL SINGING) Jingle bells,
jingle bells, jingle all the way
When you come
to Moulin Scrooge
You stay,
you've got to pay, yeah
MISS PIGGY: Where
did you come from?
Hey, this is my big number!
(SINGING) So,
if youre feeling plucky
Our chickens are just ducky
at the Moulin Scrooge
MISS PIGGY: Coming through!
Move it! Move it!
ALL: It's Christmas every day!
As long as you can pay! And...
MISS PIGGY: Out of the way!
Will everybody stop
singing different songs?
I can't remember which one
I'm supposed to sing!
(GROWLING)
Santa Baby,
from "Ba-doo-bee-doo."
Oh, yeah. Right.
Ba-doo-bee-doo
Santa baby, forgot to mention
one little thing, a ring
I don't mean on the phone
Santa baby, so hurry
down the chimney tonight
Hurry down
the chimney tonight
Hurry tonight
I'll be waiting up for you.
Thank you.
There is one present
you can give moi.
Well, what is it,
beautiful Saltine?
Vous, froggy.
(SPEAKING FRENCH)
Say what?
(ALL CHATTERING)
(PANTING) Kermit, Kermit, the
theater is in great danger, okay.
The contract says...
(INHALES DEEPLY)
I am exhausted, okay.
Oh, boy.
Kermie, quickly.
What were your 10 favorite
things about my performance?
Well, it's really hard
to narrow it down to just 10.
Oh, Kermie.
Yeah, really.
Try. Start with number 10 and
work backward to your favorite.
Don't you have to change
for your next number?
My next number! Oh, yes!
I'm wonderful in that, too.
Yeah, of course.
Now, Pepe,
what is going on?
Okay. You are listening? Because
this very important, okay.
Pepe, I'm listening.
Okay, okay.
You must get the monies to Bitterman
by 6:00, not midnight, okay.
Otherwise, we will all
be on the streets again.
Wait a second, that's not
what the contract says.
Mira, mira, look, look.
What?
You see.
Whoa. Hey, wait a second.
She changed
the contract, okay.
Do you see?
You can see right here. She's
very, very tricky, okay, Kermit.
Wait a minute.
That can't be.
It does be.
And it's almost 6:00, okay.
Kermit, unless we do
something fast,
Ms. Bitterman's going to
take the theater, okay.
Yeah, yeah, but the joke's on
her 'cause we've got the money.
Yeah, and I'm gonna
take it to her right now.
Okay.
Pastel M&M's?
I said no pastel M&M's!
Kermie, you said you'd treat
me like a star if I came back.
How could you?
But, Piggy, it's just a...
Coming through.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Kermit, 6:00.
I gotta get to the bank.
Kermit. Maybe I should
go to the bank for you.
No, no, Fozzie, but what
about your monologue?
You've been
working so hard on it.
This is more important.
And besides,
it's kind of crazy here.
Yeah. I will fill in
for Fozzie, okay.
See, I am very funny, very funny.
Waka-waka, okay.
Ah! Not bad.
Now are you sure you're okay
missing your stand-up spot?
Kermit, you have done so much for us.
Let me do this for you.
Okay, Fozzie, you've got the job.
But now, remember.
This is a very important job...
Kermit!
...to us and...
You can count on me.
Uh-oh. Fozzie!
Yeah?
The money?
Oh! Oh, oh! Right, right, right, right.
The money. Yes, of course.
Boy, hope that was
the right thing to do.
Where's Fozzie? He's on.
This is me, okay.
Right. Great.
(SCATTING)
Thank you, thank you.
(CHUCKLING) Okay.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Waka-waka, okay.
What are Santa's three favorite
gardening tools, okay?
Hoe, hoe and hoe, okay?
Hoe, hoe and hoe.
This what Santa says, okay.
Gardening tools! Gardening tools!
Hoe-hoe-hoe!
Hey, the shrimp's
floundering!
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
You shut up, okay.
He told us to clam up.
What's he wanna do?
Mussel us?
Don't get me steamed, okay.
Steamed shrimp.
Whoa, pass the cocktail sauce!
(LAUGHING CONTINUES)
That's it.
I'm coming up there!
Whoa, I'm shaking.
You're always shaking.
(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
I'm going to the bank.
Gosh, I sure hope they have
a little bears' room there.
Excuse me, mate.
Watch your step, this street is
teeming with wild crocodiles.
There aren't any
crocodiles here.
Are you telling me
how to do my job?
No, no, no, no. It's just that this is
a city and there aren't any swamps.
Crikey! You're a bear.
I'm gonna have to
tranquilize him,
'cause bears get a tad cranky
when they get a bit stressed.
(EXCLAIMING)
Crikey! There he goes!
He's getting away!
Watch out, folks!
Stand back.
Come on!
I think he went this way.
Watch out! There he goes.
What?
He's right there.
These darts
are really potent,
so I've gotta
get a clean shot.
(GASPING)
Meanwhile, everybody waited nervously
for Fozzie to get to the bank.
Well, what's happening?
What's going on?
Everything is
melding together.
Crikey.
I think I'm going to, I am.
(SCREAMING)
There he goes!
FOZZIE: What's this?
(CRASHING)
(FOZZIE EXCLAIMING)
Hot! My eyes!
(PANTING)
Where did he go?
Where'd he go?
(SIGHING)
SANTA: Merry Christmas!
You poor thing.
Are you okay?
Where's Bitterman Bank?
Bitterman Bank?
Look at you, you're
soaking wet and freezing.
Here, you take my coat.
NANCY: Look! It's him!
NICKI: What?
That's the green guy who stole Christmas!
And ruined all our wishes.
I'm Nancy Nut-What
from Whatville, you see,
and you've made me and
Uncle Nicky quite angry.
He'll make sure you don't
steal Christmas again,
by making you feel
some serious pain.
Let's get him!
Uh...
I can't rhyme. Can't we
just go beat him up?
Yeah, let's go get
that sick, green pup!
(FOZZIE EXCLAIMING)
MAN 1: Hey, that's a bear!
MAN 2: Bear?
FOZZIE: Hey,
where you going?
Hey! Anyone here seen that
guy that stole Christmas?
He went that way!
Come on, get him!
There he goes!
He's green, he's mean and...
NICKI: Hey!
(GASPING)
Thank you.
Stop, you!
Come back here!
(EXCLAIMS)
(PANTING)
Hello, hello.
(GASPS)
Where's Ms. Bitterman's
office?
What?
Where's Ms. Bitterman's
office?
I need to deposit this money.
Well, if I was a bear,
I suppose I'd deposit
my honey in an old
tree somewhere.
No, not honey, money!
What?
Money! I need to give
Ms. Bitterman her money!
Oh! Ms. Bitterman's laundry.
No.
Her offices are
on the 13th floor.
I let her know
you are coming.
Thank you.
(SPEAKING GERMAN)
Where's the buttons?
No buttons?
Ah!
MS. BITTERMAN: Oh!
What a beautiful nightclub.
(PHONE RINGING)
(IN SING-SONG TONE)
What you want?
(IN NORMAL TONE)
I mean, what do you want?
What? No! Stop him.
No, not stockings.
Stop... Do not...
Never mind.
(ELEVATOR DINGS)
(EXCLAIMS)
(GULPING)
Uh-oh.
(GRUNTING)
(EXCLAIMING)
(BLOWING)
(SCREAMING)
Yes!
No!
So, looks like
the Christmas spirit
is with the good
guys for a change.
We know the truth
about the contract.
There's nothing in here.
Ah! You mean nothing
but a pile of cash.
(SCREAMING)
Now, if you don't mind, if you could
take your sad self away from here.
You smell like a burnt couch.
No. No. No, no, no.
No.
Yes!
ALL: Chug, chug, chug,
chug, chug... Chug,
chug, chug, chug, chug...
(EXCLAIMS)
(BURPING)
Hey, Rizzo. Listen,
you did a great job.
Your nose was
a real bright spot.
Yeah, lucky break.
(BURPING)
SCOOTER: Great. And you guys have been
dancing together for a long time?
(GIGGLING) Yeah. Yeah.
Wait! Hey, girls, come back. My
uncle used to own the theater.
Hey, hey, Scooter?
Yeah, boss?
Have you seen Fozzie?
No, not since he left.
Hmm. I think I better
go look for him.
And miss the party?
I'm sure he'll be fine.
Yeah, you're probably right,
but I'd feel better
if I knew for certain.
(SIGHING)
Fozzie, what happened?
Please tell me you
deposited the money.
Kermit, I...
Oh, Fozzie, no.
(FROGS CHATTERING)
FROG 1: Yeah. FROG 2: Just
put your tongue on it.
LITTLE FROG: Really?
FROG 3: Yeah, just lick it.
You're sure it won't stick.
Of course, not.
No, no, of course, not.
I dare you.
I double dare you.
I triple frog dare you.
Now you gotta do it.
Hey. Yeah.
See it, look.
(GASPING)
(ALL LAUGHING)
Well, good luck with it.
I'm stuck! I'm stuck!
Bye, little guy.
So long!
I'm stuck! Guys, don't leave me!
I'm stuck!
Think, Fozzie, think.
I'm trying, I'm trying.
What happened to you
after you left the theater?
Well, first, the crazy Australian
tried to shoot me with his blowgun.
Then I got painted green, so
people thought I stole Christmas.
Then I ran through a steam bath and
got burned by a bunch of lasers.
Fozzie, there's no time for your stories!
This is serious!
Now, was it ever
out of your hands?
No.
Wait. Maybe for a second when I
bumped into Santa and his army.
Fozzie, do you realize that
if we don't find this money,
we'll have lost everything
we've worked for?
Just keep looking.
Does it help that
I feel really badly?
Okay, so here are
your holiday bonuses.
Thank you.
Merry Christmas, Merry
Christmas, Merry Christmas.
Kermit. Hey! You gave me
the greatest present of all.
Your theater.
Ms. Bitterman,
you changed the contract.
You can't prove that.
I can't believe you'd do
this on Christmas Eve.
Huh.
By now, I thought you would
have realized I'm the bad guy.
Ms. Bitterman, why can't you understand
what this theater means to us?
It's our dream.
Your dream?
Please. I mean,
you can't eat a dream.
You can't sell watered-down
drinks from a dream.
You can't be the queen of a
Polynesian tribe in a dream.
Wait. Yes, you can.
Forget that last one.
The point is, I believe
in money, not dreams.
A life without dreams?
That's terrible.
You just don't get it, do you?
Dreams ruin lives.
And in your case, they ruined
the lives of your friends, too.
I...
Hey, Kermit.
Don't let it
spoil your holiday.
Remember, this is the most
wonderful time of the year.
(SINGING) Tis
the season to be jolly
Fa-la-la-la-la-la,
la-la-la-la
This is not good.
This is not good at all.
Somebody's gotta do something
about that Bitterman.
That's what I've
been trying to say.
I mean, look what she's put
this poor frog through.
I'm sorry I convinced you all to work
so hard and believe in this dream.
It was all for nothing!
We lost the money,
we lost the theater.
We've lost everything.
I mean, send someone down there
to dole out some justice.
Could you send
someone down there
to dole out some
justice, please?
Let me think about it.
(SIGHING)
(KERMIT READING)
Dreams. Bitterman's right.
I ruined everyone's life
with my ridiculous dreams.
(SHIVERING)
You can't tell me that this
is what you wanted to happen.
It isn't.
Hello, Fritz?
We've got a problem on Earth.
Can you prepare the transport
for a field agent?
Great. Great. Should I
get Glenn on the horn?
No.
What?
Me? No, I'm the wrong guy.
I'm gonna go get Glenn.
(EXCLAIMS)
What'd you do with my clothes?
My glasses?
I look like an ice cream
man from Hello, Dolly!
What's this?
(READING)
I should probably tell you
I'm a very slow reader.
Okay, fine.
(DANIEL READING)
I'm sorry. I'm the
wrong guy for the job.
See, I'm a numbers guy.
People are too unpredictable.
Danny-L,
you are the right guy.
You have a real understanding
of right and wrong
and an innate
sense of justice.
You'll be fine.
Now, get down there
before he turns
into a frogsicle.
Go.
(DANIEL SCREAMING)
Hey, Kermit! Dear Boss.
I'm too late!
See? I've already
blown my mission!
Come on, Kermit.
Hang in there, buddy.
(GASPS)
Hey, who are you?
Why are you breathing on me?
You're alive!
Now I can save you.
Yeah, well, do me a favor and don't bother.
Nobody can save me.
I think I can. You see,
my name is Daniel. Yeah.
And I've been sent from above in the
name of justice to right a wrong.
And help you get
the theater back.
You? You look like some kind of an
ice cream man from Hello, Dolly!
Well, normally I'm an accountant.
Yeah.
Well, normally I'd love to sit and listen to
this, but I've got other things on my mind.
Goodbye.
No, no,
you don't understand.
I know that Bitterman
changed the contract.
How do you know that?
Wait a second. You
don't run one of those
Muppet Internet
fan sites, do you?
No, no, no. I'm a friend
and I'm here to help.
I'm sure if we put our heads together,
we could come up with a plan.
Sure. Whatever.
What would the Boss do?
Hey! We'll call the press. Alert the media!
Start a frenzy.
No way, pal. Bitterman owns the
paper, she owns the TV stations
and three-quarters
of the Internet.
How could one
person own so much?
Corporate synergy.
It's out of control.
Now, could you please just
leave me alone? Please?
Actually, I'm not allowed to. Besides,
you should not be alone right now.
You're not yourself.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kermit the Frog
would not walk out
on his friends
on Christmas Eve.
Walk out? What do you know
about my friends, huh?
I'll tell you what I know. My friends
will be better off without me,
that's what I know!
What? That is not true.
It is true! It is true! In
fact, I've ruined their lives
and I wish I'd
never been born!
Oh! No. You did not just say that.
You did not just say that!
I did just say it. I said, I
wish I'd never been born!
What am I supposed to do now?
I wish
I'd never been born.
There, I said it again. I wish
I'd never been B-O-R-N, born!
I wish I'd never been born.
Chapter 12,
paragraph two.
"If the subject
tells the field agent
"that he had wished
he'd never been born..."
Psst! Psst! Come close.
I wish I'd never been born!
"...Then the field agent is required
to adjust the world accordingly."
Yeah, do whatever you like,
because, did I mention,
I wish I had
never been born!
Okay, calm down, Daniel.
I wish I'd never been born.
I wish I'd never been born.
What are you doing?
Well, I saw this in
a training video once.
What?
Welcome to the world in
which you were never born.
But how did...
Not ready is he. There
is no try, only do.
(EXCLAIMS)
Wrong world. Sorry.
Dan, how did you...
(GRUNTING)
What's the matter with you?
DANIEL: I'm sorry,
I had to do that.
But I'm just following procedure,
as outlined in the manual.
(WOMAN ON PA) Bitterman Plaza is now
closing for Christmas Eve. Thank you.
Welcome to the other world, the
world in which you were never born.
What happened
to the park?
Ms. Bitterman bulldozed
it and built this mall.
But how did, what did...
Wait a second, are you
some kind of a magician?
No, but I am a part-time
balloon animal artist.
You see, I take the balloons
and you twist them into...
I have no time for that now, Kermit.
This is a serious mission.
"I will guide you through a mysterious
world. The journey will shock you. "
Hey. Hey.
Leave me alone!
I am going home to pack
and say goodbye
to my friends.
Now, the joke's over.
Number one,
you don't have a home.
Well...
Number two, you don't have any friends
because you haven't been born.
But...
And number three.
I don't joke.
I've been told
I'm not funny.
Really. That gag with the snow
in my face was hilarious. Gonzo?
I'm new at this.
Oh, Sir! Sir, if you could
just spare a second here.
I'm Gonzo, and this is
Amy the Dancing Brick.
And tonight...
Gonzo! Thank goodness.
Hey, why aren't you
at the party?
Hey, look, buddy, I'm
trying to work here. Great.
What? That was my
only customer today.
Thanks a lot. Thank you.
What?
Now why don't you just run along?
Kermit. Come on, let's go.
I don't get it. Gonzo?
Bad luck guy for me.
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry, Amy.
I don't understand. I mean, Gonzo
acted like he didn't know me.
Yeah, because that was the Gonzo
from the Kermit-less world.
Hey, isn't that your
friend Rizzo on TV?
I'm afraid to look.
What? Rizzo
on Fear Factor? How?
Hey, Dawn,
for your next stunt,
you're gonna have to face off against
a filthy, disease-ridden rat.
Hey.
Are you ready?
All right, now,
if you pass this test,
you will then have to
eat the disgusting rat.
What?
Here we go.
That was not
in my contract.
I'm gonna
release the divider.
Three, two, one. Go!
No, no, no, no, no.
(SCREAMING)
What a disgusting show. How
can NBC live with themselves?
It's worse than it seems. For
some reason, your not being born
has altered the world, so 90%
of network TV is reality shows.
DAWN: Get me out of here! All
right, go ahead, eat the rat.
First bite's
the hardest part.
No!
Tastes just like chicken.
Poor Rizzo. I can't watch this.
This is a nightmare.
You weren't there to keep
your friends together, so...
Hey, do you hear music?
Is that the band?
(DISTANT MUSIC PLAYING)
Okay, let me see
my spesh, fluffy.
Wait a second, you guys are the
Mayhem Band. You're not Riverdancers.
Out of the way,
before you get stomped.
And besides, what are you
doing out of the kitchen?
Shouldn't you be on some number
two plate special or something?
What are you talking about?
Over there, short stack.
KERMIT: DocHopper's.
Are you a dancer?
No. It can't be.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry, Kermit.
Kermit?
(GASPS)
DANIEL: Yep.
The Muppet Theater.
Do you wanna see how that
turned out without you?
Oh, Dr. Honeydew! Dr. Honeydew!
Please tell me you know me.
Please tell me this is
still the Muppet Theater.
Muppet Theater? Can't you read, lizard?
This is Dot.
(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING)
(CLUB MUSIC PLAYING)
Oh, no.
This is a nightmare.
Now do you believe that you
haven't been born yet?
I'm starting to.
JOHNNY: Hey, Ms. Bitterman.
Here you go, dear.
Oh, thank you, Johnny.
All right. Hey,
listen, boss, by the way,
these two deadbeats
over here,
they stopped buying drinks for
the girls about an hour ago.
Is that true?
We've been
buying all night.
Yeah, we're going broke!
Yeah.
They're lying.
I think it's time for you
two to hit the road.
What?
(CRASHING)
How about another?
You better believe it.
Ms. Bitterman?
Yes?
We're all out
of mineral water.
Then find some empty bottles
and fill it with tap water.
But...
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Ms. Bitterman! Not only have
you ruined the Muppet Theater,
you've also
ruined the Muppets!
Thank you. Customer feedback
is very important to us.
I will certainly
consider your input.
Wait a second.
Beaker, you're all swollen.
Could we talk about this?
(KERMIT SCREAMING)
I managed to get
my hand stamped.
Lick your hand and we'll
try to get back in.
(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)
You guys okay?
There you go.
Fozzie?
Yeah?
You probably don't
recognize me, do you?
No. But this is Christmas Eve and
it looks like you could use a hand.
Your kindness means
a lot to me right now.
Yeah, well, always help
a stranger! Bye.
(LAUGHING)
Well, he's acting
a little strange.
But, gee, it's good to know
Fozzie turned out basically okay.
Yeah, if being
a pickpocket is okay.
He took my wallet.
Unbelievable.
And you don't even have pockets.
Even more unbelievable.
Yeah, but how could things
be this bad without me?
I guess someone like you makes a
big difference in a lot of lives.
But I'm just one frog.
You know what? I think there's
someone else you should see.
Piggy.
She lives in this sty?
Yeah. Apartment 217.
Here. You better take these.
MISS PIGGY: Who is it?
My name is Kermit.
Kermit the Frog.
(DOOR LATCHES OPENING)
Who?
(GASPS)
(SIGHS)
Well, someone
you used to know.
Yes, of course. It's all
coming back to me now.
Wait right there.
Out of my way.
(CAT SCREECHING)
Sorry.
(CRASHING)
(GIGGLES)
Piggy?
Korwin?
It's been so long
since we met at...
You brought candy!
Let's see what's in here.
(EXCLAIMING)
Creamy, creamy.
Fudge center. Nuts!
Piggy, Merry Christmas.
I can see you
really like cats.
Doesn't everyone?
Hmm?
So... Make yourself comfortable.
Have a seat.
MISS PIGGY: Somewhere.
Thank you.
You look good.
What are you up to?
Well, actually,
I do quite a lot of acting.
Really.
Mmm-hmm. Of course, I do
most of it from here now.
(PHONE RINGING)
Your phone.
(CHATTERING)
Excuse me.
Sure.
Hello, darling.
Nice kitty.
Miss Piggy knows
the answers you seek.
Miss Piggy's for
entertainment purposes only.
You must be 18 or older, $2.99 a
minute, local tolls may apply.
Piggy, what are you doing?
You're not Jamaican.
Yeah, well, I'm not psychic, either.
Now, as I was saying...
Hello? Hello? Oh, great.
You just lost me a gig!
Yeah, yeah. But, Piggy,
that's not real acting.
That's deceiving
people for money.
No. You're not a cop, are you? 'Cause
if you are, you have to tell me.
No, no, no.
No, I'm just a friend.
Look, what do you say you and I go out
for a nice Christmas dinner, huh?
But, but what about
my babies?
I mean, I still have to wrap Mr.
Meow-Meow's present. Meow-Meow.
Besides, I look terrible.
Oh, Piggy. Are you crazy?
You always look beautiful.
You've got more
beauty and talent
than any supermodel
or movie star I know.
It's true, I once had dreams of going
to Hollywood and becoming a big star,
but they were just dreams.
Silly dreams. (CHUCKLES)
(SNIFFLING)
Oh, Piggy.
I think you should
leave now.
What?
Big day tomorrow.
Lots to do.
Yeah, but wait.
Clean, decorate,
bake the Christmas cry...
Pie.
What? I'm not pathetic!
No.
I still have my phone acting.
It's just that kitties and
I want you to leave now.
Yes, Piggy, I heard you.
Leave! Did you hear me?
But, but it's just a...
Scram! Vamoose!
Look, but, Piggy. Piggy.
I said out!
(GROANING)
MISS PIGGY: And take
your chocolates, too!
(DOOR CLOSING)
On second thought,
I'll take these.
(MISS PIGGY CRYING)
KERMIT: Daniel?
Daniel? Daniel.
Daniel? Daniel,
where are you?
Daniel! Daniel, where are you?
I want my life back, please!
Daniel?
(SINGING) I feel
so small and useless
Ambiguous and clueless
I just can't seem
to get anything right
I feel so invisible tonight
All the plastic Santas
doing hula dances
remind me that I don't belong
All the fake snow falling
And my friends not calling
Leave me
nothing but this song
On the most
miserable Christmas
Of my life
The most miserable, horrible,
obnoxious, intolerable Christmas
Hey, don't give up. You just
haven't found the right audience.
(SIGHS)
I'm so tired of scrounging.
I've had my chance.
(SINGING) If only
I could go back
And take another crack at
All the things
I've left undone
I'd do them right
If I had my friends
and family here tonight
I'd have the most
wonderful Christmas
Of my life
Everyone matters
Everyone matters
Even the smallest
of the smallest
Can make the biggest
dreams come true
Everyone matters
Everyone matters
For worse or for better
We can change
the world around us
With everything we do
Even you
Even me
You and me
Yeah.
Thanks, pal.
What was your name?
Kermit.
Kermit.
Mmm-hmm.
Well, have a great
Christmas, Kermit.
Thanks.
I'll see you around
the mall sometime.
Yeah, right.
So long, Gonzo.
Merry Christmas.
Kermit, I'm sorry I couldn't
help you save the theater.
I guess I wasn't
much help at all.
You know, the theater's
just a building.
I mean, I just want
to get my life back.
All I care about is being
with my friends again.
What's wrong?
Kermit, I don't know
how to tell you this,
but I don't know how
to get your life back.
What do you mean?
Are you saying
I'm stuck this
way here like this?
Well, you see,
I've never done this before.
Yeah, but I can't
leave my friends like this.
There must be something
in your book or something.
Well, you see, it really doesn't go
into a lot of detail on the subject.
No, but I wish I'd never said
I wish I'd never been born.
I wish I'd never said that!
How could I have said that?
I could have just said, "Kermit,
you're having a bad day," maybe,
or, "Kermit, maybe things
aren't quite going your way."
But, no! No! I had to say,
"I wish I'd never been born!"
How selfish! It's ridiculously selfish.
(PHONE RINGING)
And I'm stuck here in this reality,
along with all my friends.
Hello?
I don't believe this.
Yes?
How am I ever gonna get back?
What a ridiculous thing to do!
Yes.
I give up.
I can?
That's great!
How could this happen?
Oh. Well, that's
a little weird. Okay.
I don't believe this.
Thank you.
Kermit, Kermit.
I can send you back.
I appreciate your help, Daniel,
but there's... What? You can?
Yeah.
Well, that's terrific!
That's great!
But it's a little strange.
Listen, whatever it takes. Just do it.
I'm ready. Just do it.
Okay.
Yeah? Yeah?
(SPITTING)
That's disgusting.
The park!
It's back! I'm back!
And, and I've got spit in my
eye, but I don't even care.
You did it, Daniel!
(CHEERING)
Yes, I did.
Yes, thank you,
thank you, thank you!
Well, don't thank me. Just,
please, go be with your friends.
Right! I'll go be
with my friends!
Hey, Daniel? Is there
anything I could do for you?
Well, as a matter of fact, if
you found my visit helpful,
you could tell my boss by filling
out this customer survey.
It will really help
when I come up for a review.
Daniel, you've done more
than you could ever know.
Thanks. Come here, you.
(LAUGHING)
(CHOKING) Daniel. Daniel, not quite
so tight. Not quite so tight. Yeah.
Yeah, sorry.
I'm just really happy.
No, it's okay, really.
Yeah. Thanks. Bye-bye.
Bye.
Kermit.
Whoo-hoo!
I'll mail it to you.
Thank you, Daniel,
thank you!
(WHOOPING)
(LAUGHING)
I'm back! Boy, this is great!
Thank you, Daniel!
Whoo-hoo!
Merry Christmas, everyone.
I am back!
(ALL EXCLAIM)
I'm back! Look!
I'm back! I'm back!
This is wonderful,
Merry Christmas!
Looks like somebody's been
drinking a little too much eggnog.
The only thing I drank
was a shot of reality
and a big glass
of appreciation!
(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
An appreciation
of everything,
from Gonzo's nose
to Piggy's beauty.
Rowlf, it's really you.
Hey, Kermit.
Hey, Piggy, wow. Hey, you still
got that mistletoe? Huh?
I'm not talking
to vous. Hmm!
Oh, come on, you don't need
mistletoe when you're green.
What?
(KISSING)
MISS PIGGY: What are you doing?
Yeah, he's drunk all right.
Kissing a pig on
the chops like that?
Beauregard!
Did you see that?
Yeah.
Did you see it? Kermie kissed me!
He kissed me!
Oh! My dreams
just came true.
(CRASHING)
(LAUGHING)
MISS PIGGY: Don't worry, my fall
was cushioned by Kermit's love.
Yeah, I hope Kermit's
love can fix my tuba.
No problem, Eugene. You bet. And Merry
Christmas, Eugene. Merry Christmas.
Fozzie?
Any second now, I know you'll
remember how I let you down.
I understand if you never
wanna speak to me again.
(SIGHS)
I feel so useless.
Oh, Fozzie,
are you kidding?
Our friendship is a lot more
important than any old theater.
Really?
Really.
Thank you, Kermit, thank you!
You bet.
But why are you so happy?
We just lost everything.
I'll tell you why
I'm happy, folks.
Because tonight,
I realized that it's not
that horrible that
we lost the theater.
Well, that's good,
because we lost it.
Yeah, yeah, but you see, guys,
what really matters is...
MS. BITTERMAN: Money!
That's right, I said money.
Let's face it,
Frog, money talks.
Let's hear what it
has to say, shall we?
Could everybody please
pack up and get out
so Ms. Bitterman
can gut this place?
Ms. Bitterman, this
theater is not yours yet.
ALL: Yeah! That's right!
Yeah.
Yeah! So get out or
I'll throw you out.
Oh! This little
piggy's feeling brave.
And this little piggy's going to
kick your skinny, banking butt!
Oh! Skinny. Thank you.
It's too bad I can't say the
same for you, Miss Porky.
Porky?
Here it comes.
That does it.
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
Hmm.
You did not just do that.
(GROWLING)
(MARTIAL ART CRIES)
Oh, I see.
So, you want a piece of me?
ALL: Go. Go, Piggy!
Go, Piggy, come on.
I see you are very
agile for a plus-size pig.
Oh, my goodness.
And you will be very unattractive
with a plus-size lip.
I'll give you
5 bucks on the pig.
Make that 10!
(LAUGHING)
KERMIT: Don't take that.
Get her, Piggy!
(MS. BITTERMAN GRUNTING)
(MISS PIGGY MOCKING)
That's not good,
that's not good.
(ALL EXCLAIM)
Now, listen.
Everyone calm down.
Violence won't
solve anything.
And Ms. Bitterman
may take our theater,
but she can never touch the
Muppet Theater in our hearts.
Yes. Yeah.
Right.
Well, that's fortunate because I don't
want the theater in your hearts.
No? I want the theater
that exists in reality.
Now if you all
wouldn't mind, clear out!
(PEPE SCATTING)
Look, everyone. Look.
I got some good news, okay.
Unless, of course, you are a sexy
banker lady, then it sucks, okay.
I'm really worried.
Peepee's got...
Pepe.
Pepe, Peepee's got
some bad news.
What, are we out
of toenail polish?
No. I took the monies you pay me and file
for a special permit with the city, okay.
The Muppet Theater is now an
official historical landmark, okay.
Historical landmark!
ALL: Wow!
Historical landmark?
So are we!
The theater can never be
torn down or changed.
It will always remain
the Muppet Theater, okay.
No matter who owns it.
ALL: That's great. Yeah.
Read it and weep, okay.
Seriously, if you could start weeping
we'd all appreciate seeing this, okay.
Wow, Pepe, that was
brave and selfless.
It was, but when you can help
friends and get revenge on enemies,
isn't that what Christmas
is all about, okay.
(ALL LAUGHING)
I can't believe this!
How am I gonna make money off
this junky building now?
This is the worst
Christmas ever.
Or is it the best
Christmas ever?
Why, with an infusion of cash from you,
we could add seats to the balcony,
advertise, and then put on some
really spanking profitable shows!
(HISSING)
No! No! I hate you Muffins!
Good Lord.
No!
No kidding.
I was frightened.
Out of my way!
And merry humbug
to you there, grumpy.
You Muffins are
absolutely ridiculous!
You're nothing! Hey, we're
all singing Christmas carols
outside and it's snowing and
it's real pretty. Wanna come?
ALL: Yeah! Come on,
come on, let's go.
FOZZIE: Christmas carols,
come on. Let's sing, come on.
(ALL SINGING) We wish you a merry
Christmas We wish you a merry Christmas
We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy new year
Good tidings we bring
to you and your kin
Good tidings for Christmas
and a happy new year
(GASPS)
Heavens, this is
our best year ever.
Whoa! Merry Christmas. Someone
up there is looking out for us.
Amazing. I failed on my mission
to get justice for Kermit,
yet everything
managed to work out.
Do you think maybe
Kermit never needed
revenge or justice
or even the theater?
Yeah, but what did he need?
What do you think
he needed?
I asked you first.
Yes, but I'm the Boss.
Yeah, but I don't
know the answer.
People just really need to
know what matters in life,
and you opened Kermit's eyes and
showed him what he already had.
People don't need
my intervention.
If people don't
need your intervention,
then how come
The Salvation Army
ended up with all the money,
the Muppets got to
keep their theater
and Bitterman ended up with
nothing except her own greed?
Danny-L, I work
in mysterious ways.
Well, on behalf of
the Muppets, thank you.
(ALL SINGING)
Everyone matters
Everyone matters
Even the weakest
of the meekest
Can change
the course of history
Everyone matters
KERMIT: Everyone matters
We're in this together
The world would
be so different
If there never was a me
Even you
MISS PIGGY: Even me
ALL: You and me