Actors are so fucking dumb.
I mean, I just
fucking hate when they
think that they matter.
So, you made a career
of making them think
that they matter?
But, you like having
nice things. Right?
No, come on, dude.
That guy's
a fucking joke.
I mean, showing up
without shoes to an event
like that, so...
I mean I get it.
But, to make
that much of an effort.
And that fucking
Rodney Dangerfield blazer?
Grow up!
He has the fucking balls
to call me stiff.
We're the people
that get them paid.
And he has the fucking
gall to call me
a fucking...
I should have just
knocked him out.
But what happens then?
I lose my fucking job.
- Right?
- Hmm
I mean...
Fucking shit!
I got fucking poor man's
Aaron Eckhart, fucking razzie
me in front of all my fucking...
Who the fuck is he?
He's a fucking
45-year-old nobody
sitting around, eating cereal,
playing Call of Duty, while
we all fucking work for him.
What a fucking loser!
I mean, Hung was
a mediocre show.
What else has he done?
Wasn't he in Boogie Nights?
Wait, who's fucking side
are you on?
Well, you asked a question.
Yeah, but I didn't want
an answer 'cause it's gonna make
me look like a dipshit.
I'm sorry, Joe.
It's okay, Joe.
It's just, fuck!
This fucking town.
Knowing aside,
I'll fucking behave.
Hey.
- Hey. Hey. Hey.
- Hey. Hey.
Hey.
Okay.
- Holy shit!
- What, what, what, what?
Oh fuck! Dude, dude, dude,
what the fuck are you doing?
What the fuck is this?
You can't keep doing this shit.
-What?
-I just missed the fucking...
Oh, cock sandwich!
Then just fucking circle
back around.
"Circle back around!"
It's not fucking that...
It's fucking harder than that.
Well, I'm sorry.
It was a false alarm anyway.
I thought that it
said that we got picked up.
And that we were waiting to hear
if we got picked up.
Okay, so, we missed the turn,
almost wrecked the car...
because of a false alarm
on a web series wardrobe gig?
- Correct me if I'm wrong.
- Don't be a dick.
No, no, no, I'm not.
I'm just fact checking.
If that's the reason...
And now I'm circling around,
and I'm gonna want a fat burger
and that's literally, the last
fucking thing that I want.
- Or I could go Jack in the Box?
- Not for a web series.
Okay.
I let the first one go. I did.
But, you're that much
of a fucked up asshole
that you actually
need to make this a thing?
No, no, no.
See, I am just a guy.
Who realizes that
there is a lot of fucking
one way streets
- down here.
- No, you're just...
- such a miserable
prick sometimes. You know that?
-Yeah.
I mean...
All I do is listen you talk
about how you fucking
hate actors?
Okay, whoa, just.
You weren't
fucking listening. Okay?
Because you were swiping
you clammy clam fingers
all over your fucking phone.
All I'm trying to do
is drive us home.
And vent to my fucking wife.
And to me that seems like pretty
fucking reasonable fucking
thing to do.
But all you do is vent.
That's all you fucking do.
"I hate myself, I wanna kill
myself, I wanna fucking
shoot myself."
It's all I ever hear.
What do you mean, clam fingers?
Okay, first of all,
I didn't say I wanted
to shoot myself.
Yet, tonight, so, obviously
you weren't listening.
- All I do is listen.
- "All I do is listen."
Okay.
Okay, case in point,
do you see what I mean?
See how much it fucking
sucks that we missed
that fucking turn.
'Cause you're fucking...
It's just fucking super
not chill, dude
I am just saying.
You're a 33-year-old man.
You can't say
"super not chill" anymore.
It makes it tough
to be your wife.
I'm just saying.
You know what? The fucking
self allotted, ten pound,
fluctuation buffer
that you give yourself,
it makes it tough
to be your husband.
Five is ample, sweetheart.
Five is ample. Okay?
What's up?
What's up?
- No. Nothing. Nothing.
- No, please.
-Indulge me, please.
What d'you got?
-It's nothing.
It's just that there's
so much of your
mother in you.
Just like, nasty,
out of nowhere.
And you know what, it's scary.
You should be on something.
Okay, I see what you're doing.
You just say anything that's
gonna make me fucking put
a knife in both of our bellies.
But, I'll tell you,
it's not gonna work.
It's not gonna
fucking work.
Because you're dumb.
That's all.
I know, I just oft worry
about how you
navigate the day.
But, that's all.
Those are my concerns.
Because I'm in this too.
It's you and me, right?
So I see you got out of bed
in the morning and you get
in bed at night...
But it's all that space
in between where I'm consumed
with worry and wonder.
I'm consumed with wonder
how you do it.
-Pull the car over.
- I'm not.
- Pull the fucking car over!
-Shut the fuck up.
What're you doing?
-Pull the fucking car over.
- I can't. I gotta get on the...
- I can't figure it out.
- Pull the fucking car over.
- Okay. Jesus fucking Christ.
Dude. Fuck me.
You could've told me
you're such a big fan of Hung.
What the fuck are you doing?
Dude, don't fucking hit
the driver.
Re you fucking shitting me?
Dude, shut the fuck, what
the fuck are you doing? Do not
hit the fucking driver.
You gotta be shitting me.
Don't hit the fucking driver.
You don't hit
the fucking driver.
That's the fucking rule.
Don't hit the driver.
-Joe, get in the car.
What are you doing?
-No fucking Joe. No Joe.
This isn't a great place
to prove a fucking point, okay?
-Yeah, okay.
-Get in the car,
we're going home.
-No, leave me.
-What, you're gonna walk around
at two fucking a.m.?
No, I'm gonna call Rachel and
have her come and pick me up.
-Get in the car, we're gonna go
home.
-You're not gonna touch me.
You're not gonna
fucking touch me.
- Get in the car.
- Don't fucking touch me.
-Don't fucking touch me.
Don't touch me.
-All right.
What the fuck, dude?
Hands off my fucking lid.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
Okay, okay.
Do you see? See that right now?
See, I'm stronger than you.
Physically. A lot stronger,
all right? Okay?
And that's what matters.
Right now that's what matters.
So you touch my fucking hair
again, and all that's
fucking off. Got it?
We're done.
Great.
-Okay, let's just fucking go
home. Jack in the box is fine.
-No.
- Hey.
- Fuck hey! We're done-done.
You're a fucking joke.
Argh! My fucking elbow! Fuck!
- We haven't had sex in...
- A week.
Sixteen days.
Hey, come on.
I figured how important
that is, you know.
We just had a nice time.
Would you like some more coffee?
- Sure.
- Okay, here.
It's almost done, just...
Brush fire.
I take you to places
You've never been
No, I'm not a cold hard man
Ow
Ow
No...
-Okay, we didn't screw it
away, did we?
-No.
Oh, fuck.
- I'm sorry.
- That's not gonna cut it.
All right, well, I remember
us both being pretty sorry
couple of minutes ago
when you were, you know, before,
when you were...
Okay, I mean, for both of us.
I mean, look at your face.
No one in the world
makes me as angry
as you do.
Well, that has to count
for something then,
doesn't it?
I don't know how I get so mean?
God, we can't do this anymore.
You just said that I do
something that nobody else
in the world can do.
So if I take that thing and make
it a positive, you just have
to believe that I can.
No, no, dumb-dumb, it's not
necessarily that. It's this.
It's all of this.
-It's all of this,
something has to change, or...
-Or?
- No.
- I know. But, but...
Hey.
- Hey. Hey.
- Hey.
Come here.
Okay I'll come then.
- We gotta get out of here.
- Yeah.
- I can do it, buddy.
- No, No.
Yeah, that wasn't a...
Let's go. We'll go to Palm
Srings for the night. Get a room
at the Ace.
-No. That's not... Gross and no.
-I don't know what else
there is then.
- Yes, lowaska, dig?
- Joe.
Well, I don't even know what
we are talking about any more.
This place is toxic. That's what
we are talking about.
This place is toxic.
Which makes us toxic. The whole
thing, we can't...
We can't stay here.
Can we just start
with breakfast, please?
I'm being serious, if you try
hanging out with us.
Yeah, we are fun.
Need to be around.
Hey, Joe!
Joe. Joe!
Tina said that Dave has
a new hair loss treatment?
I think that we should maybe...
You know what I think it is?
I think if you
would just stand
up a little bit straighter
and throw your shoulders back,
and really just kind of...
I don't know.
I just think people
would take you more seriously.
I'm going to say
something
incredibly rude.
- And I think that that's...
- Don't.
I just don't care...
Your brain's a terrible
corner-back.
My brain's a terrible
quarterback?
Corner-back. It has bad coverage
in your mouth.
Please just shut the fuck up.
Okay, the worst of times,
I know. I get it.
But I have this thing
called my job.
Okay.
How many times in the last month
because of your job have you
threatened to kill yourself
or begged me to kill you?
Fuck! I wanna die.
Okay, what I'm gonna do is,
I'm gonna cut my dick off.
And I'm gonna swallow it.
Softly, though.
Okay? So it lodges
in my esophagus
so if I don't choke to death
my dick stump will fucking
bleed out.
I don't even deserve to kill
myself. That's how bad it is.
And that's why I must.
What do you suggest?
My parents' place in Vermont.
It'll be nice. Real nice.
Thursday through Sunday.
-We could be back Monday.
-They wanna sell it. They wanna
be in Florida.
Okay, I don't know much
about the...
housing market out there.
But I'm sure it's a good time...
I can't live here any more.
It's sunny everyday.
-Sunny everyday.
-I threw a bottle at you
last night.
Man, I don't know either, okay?
We gotta go.
I gotta go.
Or, or, I gotta go.
'Cause if we stay here,
then we're, we're...
I have a job, okay?
And you have a job.
And we have this fucking house.
We can rent it.
So you threw a bottle
at me last night.
You call me fat.
Directly, twice a month.
Indirectly, I don't know.
I don't know. Who knows
how many times that is.
Not at all completely accurate,
'cause I'm merely suggesting
that you not get fat.
Because I am a victim
of my condition.
-'Cause I'm a victim
of my environment.
-That's what I'm saying.
That's cute. Okay.
Guess I've got to run up to
Chatsworth to buy James Franco's
little brother a bag of Molly.
On my Sunday.
Okay, now this time, when I drop
the meth and ask you to drop the
toaster in, you're gonna do it.
You get me?
Okay, okay.
I see what you did.
Fucking Vermont?
What are you gonna
do there?
I think it's good that
you're leaving
before the break.
Hold on, I got
something really
awesome for you.
Yeah, here look at this.
It's universe spray.
Cheddar cheese.
What do you gonna do out there?
I am gonna take Walt.
I'll tell you that much.
Oh, man, it's all happening.
My agent...
I'd like to think that,
you miss your friend too, right?
Don't get all
Jerry Maguire
on me.
Faggot!
Do you still feel like
you wanna move back
after I sprayed it to you?
Trying to be romantic,
though, right?
When are we our worst?
When we're together.
Bit more specific.
- When we're in the car.
- Yeah.
What's up, dude?
- Hi.
- Hi.
Thanks.
- Oh what the fuck is that face?
- What? Why?
You just made the graduate face.
- Fuck.
- I did not just make!
- Do not fuck me here, Joe.
- -I am not gonna fuck you, Joe.
I am sorry. We swear a lot.
We bring out the worst
in each other.
Okay.
May I help you with your bags?
Yeah. Great. Sure.
- I guess I'll take this one?
- Grab that one.
Not as sketchy as it looks.
-It is wet.
-It's not wet.
Don't be a pussy.
Well, what do we do now?
I don't know.
Whatever we wanna do.
- Thinking it'll be good.
- Yeah. Me too.
- We're gonna go?
- Yes, Joe. We're gonna go.
- You wanna go. You wanna go.
- Yeah.
There you go.
- Love you.
- I love you.
I can actually, I swear I can
taste the local.
Do you taste the local?
'Cause this pig was raised just
down yonder river, just down
yonder river.
- Just down.
- It's not yonder country.
No. Downriver.
Oh, yonder. Yonder river.
-Okay.
-Also, I haven't looked
at my phone in how long?
- Big ups, right? For me.
- Yeah.
Got more. Take some more.
-This guy.
-You can't just ply me
with craft beers.
There's nary a 'G.' There's no
fucking connection.
-And you knew this.
-I haven't lived here
in forever.
How am I supposed to know
if they don't put up a tower?
"If they don't put up a tower."
-Dude, honestly,
super not chill.
-No.
And I'm using that term
intentionally.
Fuck, that's good.
But I don't know how good
because my phone can't tell me.
Namaste.
- Oh, wow.
- This is my journey.
This is my journey.
Oh, what the fuck?
What the fuck do we do now?
Talk. We can talk.
I don't even know what hospital
you were born in.
Fletcher Allen.
- In Burlington?
- Yes.
- What time?
- 6:13. 6:13.
- A.m.?
- P.m.
- Oh, no, you didn't.
- Yeah, I did.
That is so you. It's so
fucking accommodating.
And you know what? You did that
because you wanted to hold that
over your parents' heads
for the rest of their lives.
I get it.
Very you.
What else?
- About?
- That day.
- The day I was born?
- Yes.
I don't remember.
Aside from the impeccable
timing. I don't know.
You'll have to ask my parents.
I know that the umbilical cord
was wrapped around my neck,
and my mother and I
both flat-lined but...
here we are.
God, it takes a lot of shit
to get here.
Every season of Alf? I watched
the shit out of Alf . I had
an Alf doll.
- Why're you eating jammy?
- I'm not eating jammy.
This is super fucking
raspberry preserve.
- Not raspberry preserve.
- Yes, you put preserves.
- I'm not.
- You were putting them.
In fourth grade. I'm eleven
and she says...
So your parents
are getting divorced.
Yeah. She overheard
a conversation between my older
brother and her older sister.
My point is, even land mines
can fuck shit up, right?
Anyway, this little cunt!
Ten year, that's
a ten-year-old cunt.
That's good. That's healthy.
She said all this shit.
And all of a sudden...
And I'm like...
Literally, she can
fucking little,
and the fucking sky
is falling on me.
And...
I'm just fucking bawling
uncontrollably, and...
I look back and I actually
fucking feel bad for
that fucking kid.
Oh, God! And that's when I
started fucking being a dick.
Lee Oprah has told everyone
to give him a blow job...
For real. There aren't any
Hispanics in Vermont.
Okay, sorry.
We'll do that again.
No, but it was
just be weird because
After you told everyone that,
it's like the demographic
of whatever in my high school,
the demographic of people who
desired me
totally changed. All of a sudden
the grossest, seediest guys
were calling my house.
Your old man must have been
super pleased.
It's not like...
You didn't lose
your virginity to
Ben Ralthesberg, right?
- Honestly, Joe.
- I know. It's hard.
-We've been through
the darkness.
-I know, I know.
It's hard for me to know
who was first.
'Cause... Um...
There were two of them.
Damn.
Wait, what, in consecutive days?
Like a double team?
I was on a recruiting trip
to Tufts and we went to a party
at the Hockey House.
And there was this one hockey
player and he was really,
really, really sweet.
At that time, he was sweet.
But, I don't know.
Anyway, I think he was Canadian.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- What are you doing?
- Just stop.
Where's the Xanax?
Where's the...
Is there, like, NyQuil?
I want you to stop.
Because you know what I can do?
I can unlearn this.
I can...
Jesus...
I can...
You think this was easy for me?
You think this was easy for me?
You said you had a two-girl
situation before we
got together.
Two vaginas aren't gonna fucking
punish anybody.
It's two dicks we're talking
about. Two hockey playing,
motherfucking dicks.
Honestly, I would rather you
get fucking voluntarily
gang banged
by a bunch of terrorists.
Please. Just.
Hockey players!
If you'd actually waited
and listened to the rest
of the story...
If you'd been
a fucking friend...
You would have heard
that the second dick...
Wasn't... I didn't...
I'm trying to tell you something
like a really shitty moment
of my life right now.
Just to share that with you.
You can't make it
about you, Joe.
I'm going to bed.
Jerry!
Jer!
White Fang?
Jer, what the hell
are you doing?
He was actually just telling me
that reading is a waste of time.
Was he? Well, he's
fucking grounded.
- Nelson, nice to meet you.
- You too.
What you guys doing?
You guys going to work?
Yeah, I am. I'm putting
a couple of lift hours
in a lodge in MadRiver.
He's gonna fucking watch.
-Nice job.
-Yeah, it's pretty exciting.
Come on, Jerry. Let's go.
Get in the truck.
-Have a good one.
-You guys need a hand
or anything?
Yeah, I wish, right?
No, no, no.
Seriously.
Serious?
You just wanna make sure
you go with the grain.
Yeah. I'm not
a complete
fucking pussy.
Sorry. I don't know if
Hollywood types know how to...
You skewered the fuck
out of that.
Fuck, man. Kinda all
over the place.
Was in Breck for a minute.
Ended up moving back east
to work for a consulting firm.
- Sin City?
- Stamford, Connecticut.
Yuck!
- It's the pets.
- It was.
-What, did you get sick
of the office racket?
-Yeah.
And I was kinda fucked up.
- How so?
- Doing a lot of blow.
Probably drinking too much.
Such is life.
Such is life. Plus, I fucked
things up with the woman
I'm supposed to marry, so...
How about yourself?
Why did you leave sunny LA?
Well, it's actually not as sunny
as they say.
No, I don't know. It's...
'Cause my wife would
have killed me. Or worse.
Worse?
Left.
Look at that girl.
- My little Vermont Molly.
- Hi, Joe.
Thank you.
Hey, this is Nelson.
My new friend.
Nelson, this is that woman
I was telling you about.
That woman? That woman? Okay.
- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to see you Nelson Riley.
- You played hockey for Tufts?
- No.
- Shut your mouth.
- No, ski racing.
- What's it been, like 20 years?
- Do not say that.
That's not right.
Oh, my God.
He skied for GMVS.
-And you went
to Mount Mansfield?
-Yeah.
Hey man, why don't you just
stay over for dinner?
Do you mind if Nelson comes
over for supper and maybe bring
his little Jerry?
Well, as long as it's okay
with his parents? Is it okay
with your parents?
Yeah, that'll be great. I'll go
get changed and be back
in a bit.
- Okay.
- What're you gonna wear?
We don't wanna clash.
We don't wanna clash right up.
- Just, I'll figure.
- Okay.
He can stay with us.
Can he stay with us?
He can stay with us.
Yeah, sure.
Hey listen, do not fuck
this up for me.
- They were really, really good.
- Yeah.
But you know who wasn't really
good? It was Paul Epstein.
- Yeah, Paul.
- Dick!
Paul was a little
bit of a dick.
to girls.
- But he wasn't that bad.
- But he were kind of a dick.
-Oh my God!
-You were friends with him.
You were kinda friends with him.
I would've been friends
with Doug but Doug wouldn't
hang out with me.
- Because you didn't have lights.
- I didn't have lights.
Hey, guys, hey.
Sorry, but I just want you
to know that the more that you
focus on this exclusive
ski racing exchange,
what happens.
I'm gonna go like this.
And then I harvest
the darkness and then
what, you'll be gone.
Okay? And then, you...
You're gonna get
on the ass end
of a tongue lashing.
And it gets domestic, okay?
But I don't want that.
I don't want that.
Because you're my best friend
and you're the most beautiful
woman in the world.
Aw, Joe.
Let's get domestic.
-Thank you so much.
This is delicious.
-You're welcome.
Well, I cooked the meat,
shit lips, okay?
Okay, "shit lips"
was a little
aggressive, I'm sorry.
No, "shit lips"
was pretty accurate.
So was it weird changing
your last name?
-From?
-I thought about doing
the hyphenated thing.
To what?
I thought about hyphenating
my last name.
- No, you didn't.
- No, I did, actually.
Well, you can't Indian-give
a last name.
Because we are not Indians.
Because we are not...
And moreover,
we are not lesbians.
And, we are not lesbian Indians.
We're just having
a conversation.
- We're just talking.
- I didn't mean to...
You didn't do anything.
You didn't mean to do anything.
Because it's nothing. Because
nothing is nothing. Because I
said it's nothing. That's why.
Oh, give me a break.
My man's been
through this shit.
Please.
You're gonna give me that?
You know, that's...
You know what that look does?
It makes this more
aggressively this.
But you know that you do this.
And that's what makes you
ten times sicker than me.
Fuck it, let's just do it,
let's just do it, let's just
put it all out on the thing.
And let's just talk
about what you would do
to make me the guy
you wanted to marry.
Sometimes, I wish that you were
an entirely different person.
Okay, anybody for a little
sponge cake or a little wine?
It's Young Frankenstein's.
What he does.
Hey.
Here we go.
- You guys like it here?
- I do.
We do. We do. We do.
I mean, it's different than,
like, the last ten years.
But, it's familiar.
You know, it's home.
And he did this
for me. So,
it gives him
a little bit of wiggle room
to be a dick.
Oh, my God. Really?
Breaks up the monotony.
- You're all right, buddy.
- Exactly, dude.
-Hey, can I take him tomorrow?
You guys working?
-Yeah, sure.
Yeah, sure.
- Glycerin.
- Glycerin gum?
How long has this shit
been in here?
Those don't go bad.
They don't go bad.
No shit.
We can make whipped cream.
That's a fuckin'...
Our butter love, yeah
some motherfucking
Whipped cream
And we'll put some
Faggot beer
Mine didn't work.
Yeah, mine was to the tune.
Is a faggot berry
The best night ever.
-Let's just do it.
Let's just do it.
-What?
We're gonna put a pumpkin patch,
baby. In your belly.
Oh, yeah.
Your stupid face.
I like your stupid face.
Comb my hair. I was kidding.
I was just kidding.
You know I'll only go down
on you if you got these on.
That's good. Then I can actually
see what's happening.
- You'll suck my dick.
- Done and done.
Hey, you wanna have kids?
Yeah, sure.
Well, I guess I'll have to meet
someone that I wanna have one
with first.
Well, you know,
that's just science.
Do you guys wanna have kids?
Yeah. Fuck it, right?
Wait, why did you act surprised?
I mean, Jesus, I don't even
know you but that was enough,
last night.
Intense.
That was, like, green tea.
You should see us on meth.
That's fun?
Fun? That's cute. What's that
even supposed to mean?
Sure. Yeah, it's fun.
We have fun.
But, I honestly don't even know
what that means.
Okay, Canadians.
They have fun
together.
-Not real people.
Not real Americans.
-That's not true.
-When was the last
relationship you were in?
-A year ago.
- Was it fun?
- Yeah it was the best.
We always say that when she's gone.
But what happened?
I spent the down payment
on our house on funding
four bricks of cocaine.
Oh, right.
Any thing's gonna seem
fun after you do
some dumb shit like that.
What the fuck, man?
- Come on
- No, no, that's not cool, man.
Yeah, I am a dick, but come
on, man, it can't be all love
all the time. It's not...
God, may be that's why
I am a dick.
May be that's why I fucking say
some dick headed shit.
-Because it just seems better
than the alternative.
-I know.
The point is you are hurting
peoples feelings, Okay?
And not just that, girl's
feelings, they hurt different.
Those feelings go
a lot different.
Feelings are meant to get hurt.
Feelings are meant to get felt.
How about this, huh?
Look at this.
I don't want to jinx it.
How could you not hold hands
to cross a bridge?
Yeah, right.
- Sorry.
- Thank you.
Oh man, we have to order
everything, because we
can't afford not to.
No, come on, this is what I'm
saying. Like this face,
look at this.
Look at this, look at this.
Want me to do that thing? We'll
do a whole goddamn procession.
This face.
- Okay?
- Okay.
- Going to the bathroom.
- Okay.
Should you like not be drinking?
No, it's fine.
- Really?
- Yeah, it doesn't matter.
Dude, I don't wanna have
a fucking penguin
for a kid.
-Okay
-Just dump him
in the sewer. Right?
Okay, drink up.
Let's fucking party.
I can't get pregnant right now.
It's a thing.
I did the math.
I do it every month.
-Can't get pregnant right now.
-Okay, let's hypothetically,
next time.
Next cycle, next month cycle.
We have a boy.
We name him
Jimmy Rum,
- No questions asked.
- Oh, okay.
Or we name him...
Colonel Mustard.
- And if it's a girl.
- Mace.
Shit.
I like that.
Okay. Can I interest you guys
in some dessert?
Well, do you have bread pudding?
Yeah, actually we do.
Oh, so that means
we have to get that.
He doesn't have a lot of rules,
but he has bread pudding
and then there's two
other rules.
Okay, this sounds fun.
Give me the other two.
He can't be friends with anybody
who watches Family Guy
and he always has to stop
at a lemonade stand.
And I don't know why,
I find those stupid rules sexy,
but I do.
Well, one woman's sexy
is another woman's...
Then we had to open another
dining. Oh, honey, honey,
come here, I was
- just talking about you.
- Oh, no.
Hey, that meal
was amazing.
And Marie just said, you kinda
just started being a chef.
It's like a new thing.
Well, I am a cook.
I am not a chef.
Like, whatever you wanna call
yourself, that's really,
really good.
I was just telling these two
that their story is not so
different from ours.
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.
Yeah, we just kind of, like,
quit our life in LA.
Sabbatical, kind of.
Just a little.
Huh?
- What did you do in LA?
- He was an agent.
Well, still kinda.
Still I am-ish,
you know.
And I also worked
in a business too.
Or a job.
That sounded bad because what
I'm saying, is less business,
more creative.
-Because you're creative.
You're creativer than I am.
-Yeah. I can't go into this.
And that's fucking good.
You are the creative-est.
- Don't.
- All right.
So, you guys just said,
"to hell with it"?
- Yeah.
- Hmm. That's noble.
Why the surprised tone from him?
'Cause you said that we have
similar stories.
Similar broad strokes.
Well, then why did you guys
move here?
Well, have you seen it
outside. We love it here.
If you don't count
November through April.
But we always thought we'll end
up here, right?
Yeah, sometimes,
life can be,
you know, a prick.
- Yeah, but...
- Yeah, well, all right. '07?
'08, right?
Working downtown.
And, shit crashed,
everything changed.
So what do we do?
Next thing I know,
we moved up here.
- Winter of '08.
- Winter of '08. It's freezing.
And I couldn't
even get a job,
you know, making drinks.
But, um...
Okay, so wait.
You just got canned?
You didn't opt out
for a fucking
cage-free life?
- No.
- -But he wouldn't change a single thing.
That is right.
She is right.
Hey, dude, would you
still be pushing
money around
if you hadn't got fucking
dicked in the recession?
I hope not. It sucked.
I mean, I probably
wouldn't have gotten help,
but I was, you know,
forced down.
But thank fucking god
that I was.
But, you know, moved up here
a few years ago.
I mean, it was...
It was hard and it was dark.
But, yeah, sometimes life gives
you a pile of shit and you just
have to figure out a way to...
you know...
- Gross old Simon.
- Right. That's right.
- Caps for me, stems for you.
- Okay.
- Don't look so worried.
- No, no, I'm not, I'm not.
I'm, I'm, I'm good.
- You guys are happy.
- We're too old not to be.
But that first year,
that was tough.
Winters are tough.
- You guys can do it, though.
- Yeah.
I just, I don't wanna be blamed
for, you know, everything.
Oh, my God. That's what
marriage is all about.
Having someone to blame
and then someone
to laugh about it with.
- Those guys are great, huh?
- They are.
They're good people.
I like them.
Yeah, they're sweet.
Just really sweet,
-But with that nice city edge,
you know. It's refreshing.
-That's nice.
- So you're gonna say it?
- Yeah, I just did.
-Super city sweet, sweet edge.
-Are you gonna say it or are you
gonna keep doing that thing?
Yep.
Are you gonna say it or
you gonna keep
doing that switches?
It's great, it's great.
It's you doing you.
-And that's fun.
It's a fun show.
-Yeah, yeah.
Don't look at me
like that.
Are you gonna say it?
-I'm saying it. I'm saying it.
-This is such a great
impersonation of you doing you.
No, I...
So this is you doing you.
Who else would do me
if I didn't do me?
Why did you put
on movie-trailer
voice for that?
Yeah, I'd think
that I would do
the best version of me.
Okay.
Okay. But here's the thing.
You have to say it.
Because if you don't say it,
it's gonna fester and it's gonna
propitiate in that brain
of yours. And then,
it's gonna come out
like... An... Old Faithful.
- Like a geyser? Sure.
- Like an Old Faithful.
I see it. I see what you're
saying. Don't get it.
- Wanna get it. Yeah.
- Okay, you need to say it.
- I need you to say it.
- Get your damn hands off me.
- I need you to say it.
- Get your damn hands off me.
I'm gonna put
my fingers
so they touch.
I'm gonna put them
through your whatever
that is, your wing.
And I'm gonna kick you in your
fucking Candy Moldonados,
is what I'm gonna do.
Well, then triple bucket Shawnee
gets a heel to him.
- Say it. Say it.
- We agreed to disagree.
-You wanna know what it is?
You wanna know what it is?
-Say it. Say it...
He fucking didn't
quit his job.
He didn't quit his job.
He had no choice. And now
he has to go back
to the fucking drawing board.
And he has no choice
but to accept the life
he was forced into.
Not the life he chose,
because what happens,
with a choice,
comes that inevitable
second guess.
Okay, have I ever ordered
something and haven't been happy
while eating it?
Okay, that one time when I
was eating that baked tacs
and that porchettas
and the fucking black eyed peas
or whatever it was,
in that snobby, bullshit place
in Wilshire,
I was stoked. But that
was fucking once in how many...
All the other seven hundred
thousand times, what
have I done?
I've lusted after
somebody else's plate.
Or something from the menu
that I only knew in words.
But, like, what I'm saying is,
if somebody makes you
something, right?
And there's no choice,
it's nine times out of ten,
pretty fucking good.
You said to say it.
What about tonight?
- What about every damn night?
- It's usually great.
- It's usually great.
- Usually great.
It's usually great.
Why are you making the face
that you're gonna something,
but, like a but, it's usually...
No, except when I'm running it.
That was only me being, doing,
taking ownership for...
It is great.
We're good sharers.
Yeah, we're good sharers.
Come here.
That's good, that's good. Don't
take too much off, but don't put
too much on it.
- Look at all that.
- That's a lot.
-That's why I'm taking it off.
-Look at how small
that toe nail is.
-You don't need that much.
You're not painting a house.
-Less.
- Is more. Less is more.
- Is more.
- Less is more.
- But not too less,
- 'Cause then it's none.
- Getting it covered.
Hey, don't you miss me
complaining about
terrible scripts?
Oh, sorry. Oh, my god.
I remembered something
about a goat
but I don't see a goat.
Where's my goat?
Where's my goat?
At the goat farm.
Okay, dig on this
organic Mani-Pedi salon?
- We open it up.
I'm in pop operation.
- Sure.
I think it's a good move,
but I still want my goat.
I still want it.
I still, I still...
No, it's gonna happen,
it's gonna happen.
My mouth, goat's penis,
roll camera.
Would you be bummed out?
I'll be a little disappointed
with the goat?
-Hey, hey, hey.
-What's up, dude?
What's going on?
Nothing. Painting some toes.
How're you doing?
Good. What's going on?
-Hey, do you know any
goat farmers?
-No. I don't. Should I?
I don't know.
Also, thinking about opening
a little organic
Mani-Pedi shop.
Artisanal. Only using
fruit pigments.
It's actually a pretty
good idea.
You guys sure
this is okay? I'm gonna
be gone for ten days.
Yes. Oh, my God.
He can stay
as long as he wants.
Yeah, man, we didn't come out
here so we can continue to not
take care of our friends' pets.
Okay, thank you very much.
I appreciate it.
Hey. Hey. Don't let
the darkness in.
Don't what? I don't... No!
- Hookers and cocaine.
- No, man, no.
Bachelor party.
Hookers, cocaine.
Date dinner.
I am legend.
No, no, no.
We're going camping
in the Adirondacks.
- Thank you so much. Good day.
- You're welcome. Have fun.
Bye-bye.
Had tits over me.
- Was he ever under you?
- I wish.
He's kinda like dud anyway.
But he's really good looking.
He's all right.
- You slept with him?
- What?
We were twelve when we
knew each other.
But you grew up fast.
Didn't you?
- If you know what I mean.
- No, I don't.
- I don't know what you mean.
- Right.
- In your loin you do.
- My...
Okay, it's shocking that someone
doesn't like you.
I agree.
I'm the best.
Joe, it's not a magic
eye poster.
I only want to see it.
We have to see it.
I've seen how rough it got,
so I know what happens.
Let's just see something else.
No, it'll be good.
Not the movie but the anger.
God, you're a glutton
for misery.
I got him this fucking movie.
And you're getting paid for it.
I still don't get
its fucking sequel.
Okay. So, we...
We paid for a different movie.
But we see this one.
- And you're a good friend.
- Fuck friends.
No, I wanted him to get it.
Holy fucking...
Dick sack! He's going to get
a fucking franchise from
this shit.
I did all the fucking
light work too.
Really? It was so bad.
It's getting close
to 200 million now. I mean,
Americans love garbage.
Exactly, Joe.
You wanna perpetuate
in an industry of garbage?
You really wanna be part
of the problem?
Jocking for next million dollar
comic book movie,
so that the movies you actually
like are never gonna
get seen or made.
Come on, you get to be
a consumer now.
Isn't that relaxing?
I don't even like movies.
- Or anybody.
- Right.
Garcon?
Can I have another
Double Darkness please?
You mean Double Sunshine?
Well, you say milk, I say meelk.
Please.
You really wanna add more
gas to the fire right now?
Are you? So, you're just asking
that I don't have another beer?
Well, I recall you had
a side order of fries.
What?
You don't like when I drink,
I don't like when you eat. Let's
just call it a wash please.
I know I'm fucked up.
I know I'm fucked up.
I know I'm fucked up.
I know I'm fucked up.
I know I'm fucked up.
I know I'm fucked up.
I know I'm fucked up.
I know I'm fucked up.
Please.
Baby, don't tell.
Sure some people meet
Hear too much
But, baby
Don't tell our friends
About me
Babe...
Fuck you.
Come here.
I don't give a fuck.
Like people fucking play like...
Like they are playing fucking
fantasy football.
I don't give a fuck.
I wanna be here dude.
Dude, I wanna be here.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
Fuck you. Fuck you.
'Cause you fucking made me
do this, beer.
What?
What?
What?
What?
Talk about sleeping around...
With a dog...
With a dog...
- What's up, dude?
- Hey, man, what's up?
Nothing.
-Here. See if we have a way
to open that. Open it up.
-Okay.
Yeah, honey. Yeah!
- You dropped it.
- I got it.
Oh, man.
- That's a fucking chest.
- Yeah.
Don't tell anybody.
About the Missy river beer cage?
-Yeah.
-Who the fuck
am I gonna tell?
I don't know. It's just...
I just... This is my spot.
Okay, dude...
I am not gonna...
No, I know, I know.
No, that'd be crazy
Yeah.
You think I could have a job
as a bartender?
Have you ever worked behind
a bar before?
No.
Sure.
Cool.
- Thanks.
- Yeah.
You don't wanna do that though?
Yeah, just for now.
Okay.
Yeah.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Small town life.
So, look around. Look,
there's water,
the sun is shining on the water,
there's a covered bridge.
There's a barn, it's decaying,
the exact, perfect
Vermont-y way.
- Amazing, right?
- It is. It's so pretty.
- That's convincing.
- Right.
It's great. I don't know why
I can't, why anyone can't just
appreciate the moment.
Well, maybe it's
because you're 28?
- I'm 32.
- Oh, I like you much more now.
Thanks. No, it's just,
I came here to relax.
I came here to just take
a breather for a minute
and just stop and...
Now all I'm worrying about
is just everything.
Like I'm just worried. I'm
worried that tomorrow something
terrible is going to happen.
I just feel like everything's
just going to fall apart.
I remember when I was 29,
I spent the whole year
obsessing about turning 30.
The whole year? That's all
I thought about?
And when the day came,
and I turned 30, it was like,
Oh, I'm 30.
I wasted a whole year.
I mean, kids? Fuck!
I don't even know if I've begun
to start loving myself.
I think I'm right there,
but I can't,
I can't live for other people.
I can't do that.
Kids give you someone
to lash out at.
Aging is the antidote.
There'll come a time when you
just cannot be miserable.
-You can't afford
to be miserable.
-I hope you're right.
You know,
I'm in my thirties now
and I've...
I'm starting over and I've
dragged the guy who has...
Who had a career and I
-brought him right down with me.
-Oh, you did not drag a guy
down with you.
Well, I don't know,
maybe you did.
You guys came here for the
geographic marital fix, right?
You had a couple of months
out of that, maybe?
You're young,
you don't have kids.
Yeah, you could.
Oh, no.
That's not... We don't...
I don't... That's not...
So it's not really cocktail
country up here.
It's pretty much beer, wine.
- Occasional martini. Okay.
- Okay, I'll learn.
- What?
- Nothing.
- Right on.
- Okay.
- You good?
- Yeah, I'm good.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
- Jerry... There he is.
- Hi.
Oh, you look like you don't care
about me. I like it.
- How're you? I'm good.
- How're you? Good.
I guess the honeymoon's
over, buddy.
- How did he do?
- He's the best.
- Yeah, he's okay.
- How was your trip?
- It was pretty gross.
- I get it.
How's the transition going?
- It's, er, good.
- It's... Yeah.
You guys didn't
kill each other,
so that's a plus, right?
- What does that mean?
- No.
No. Just that, you guys,
you know, it's difficult
when you go
from one extreme to this.
Well, yeah. Yeah. Obviously.
What did you mean, though,
by that we haven't killed
each other yet?
I shouldn't. That...
Come on. Just say it. 'Cause I
need a little perspective.
You guys are great.
- But?
- You're passionate.
Passionate? You make it sound
like it's a bad thing.
I don't know. You guys,
I mean, I'm probably
putting these feelings out
by myself because I don't
have a choice,
but you guys are fucking crazy.
You're not crazy,
but it's crazy.
You guys together, which then
makes me feel like it's...
more than okay to be alone,
That is fucking terrible
to say to someone and that's
not what I meant.
This is...
I was talking about myself.
-It's fine, it's fine.
-I'm so fucking hungover
right now.
Fuck! My buddy
left his wallet in my truck.
I should probably
bring it over to him.
Yeah.
That...
- Don't take that way...
- No. God, no, no.
Okay. Sorry.
- Great, that's hurtful.
I guess he is gonna...
-Yeah, no...
- stick around
for a little while.
-I'll pick him up in like
a half an hour.
-No, he's fine.
He's fine here.
-I didn't, I didn't...
-Don't even, I'm not...
Didn't even...
Hey, guys.
How're we doing?
- Fine, thanks.
- Good, how are you?
I'm actually all right.
Thanks for asking.
-What can I get you?
-You don't have a white
Bordeaux. Do you?
I do.
Funny you should say.
I've been super
in mineral-y whites.
-I'll have an old fashioned.
-Right. Have you had
the Double Sunshine?
- I don't know what that is.
- It's a beer.
But, I gotta be honest,
it's much more than that.
It's a game changer.
That's for sure.
I'm not in the mood for a beer,
so I'll just stick with the...
Oh, it's more than a beer,
though. That's what I'm saying.
It's more than a beer.
It's made just down here.
Just down yonder in town.
I'm gonna give you a taste.
It's actually on me. This
is what you're gonna have.
'Cause you're gonna love it.
You're gonna fucking love it.
Anyway, so,
yeah, we actually tried
to sign him a few weeks ago.
One of his reps
just happens to split.
That seems crazy.
Yeah, I know. You don't leave
once your guy has got heat.
The buzz was that
he was too tall to be a star.
But, I know he's got
the fucking goods.
For us it kinda works 'cause we
don't really rep lot of actors,
it's mainly athletes.
I think he can put asses
on the seats for sure.
Okay.
Who put you up to this?
No, it's good.
It's funny.
Was it Donny? It had to have
been Donny. Who fucking
else would it be?
He knew you guys were coming out
here. But how would he know that
I work here?
Fucking dicks.
It's funny. It's a good bet.
The jig's up.
What's he talking about?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Okay, 'cause you are talking
about Dave.
You're talking about my guy.
And here's the thing, dipshit.
It's not that he's too tall
to be a star.
'Cause he is a star because
I made him a star.
He's too tall to be a superstar.
The T Cruises, the Brad Pitts.
I just started to fucking accept
this whole...
Buddy, I don't know
what the hell
is happening here, but...
Dude, please. Honestly, I know
you came up here to look
at the leaves. So just enjoy it.
Drink a Craft Beer.
Check out the girls.
I didn't mean to upset you.
Upset me? You think I'm fucking
upset? You think this is upset?
You think I feel threatened?
You think I feel threatened
because I'm pouring you drinks
and talking about fucking
mineral-y whites?
You think I don't have
the gravitas to bury you?
You don't think that? Because
what I'll do, I'll shove my
gravitas up your ass.
You dirty cunt.
Okay, listen, first off,
this isn't appropriate.
-It's inappropriate?
-Yeah, you wanna go outside
we can do that.
If I wanna...
Sit down,
'cause here's the deal.
Your shit-take agency,
won't ever
rep another actor,
not name Cory,
for the rest of...
Fuck it. Have Jimmy Lawrence.
Let me give you the guy that
hosted Double Dare.
Okay?
And we' cause it even, okay?
But then what I'm gonna have
you do is, I'm gonna have you
get on all fours next,
ad I'm gonna have you crawl.
I'm gonna have you crawl to get
to a place
were I'm gonna even entertain
the thought of letting you suck
my dick.
Okay? Because I'm coming back
and I'm taking them all with me.
'Cause this place is fucking
dead, anyway.
Hey, dinner's on me.
- I'm assuming he's fired.
- Yeah, I'm assuming he quit.
So, same thing.
You can fool people, but you
can't fool yourself for long.
You tried, but...
So fuck it.
So fuck it. There's still so
much to do. There's still so
much to do.
We can do this.
We can fucking do this.
But just not now.
We can do it later
when we are fucking old.
This is the thing...
We can't, we tried.
It's just, I'm not done.
Shut the fuck up, shut
the fuck up. How the fuck
are you gonna say this?
Joe.
We can't do it. I can't do it.
I can't be here.
If we're gonna leave,
we gotta leave.
Like, we gotta go fucking deep
into the canopy.
Go to Istanbul. Fucking Morocco.
I don't give a fuck.
But it's gonna follow me.
And I can't get away. It's not.
This isn't, This isn't...
This wasn't part of the plan,
we're supposed to get away.
What are you saying?
I don't know what
you're saying.
What I'm saying is that I
have spent ten years, ten years
becoming this person.
Sure, I talk about how much I
hate him. I fucking want to kill
him sometime.
But I just don't
really want him to die.
Okay.
Joe.
Hey, hey, hey.
We can do this. We can do this.
This isn't going anywhere.
We can do this
and I want to do this.
And we will do this.
But not right now. Can we just
do it when we are old?
- So you wanna go back?
- I wanna go back.
- Is that crazy?
- No.
No, it's, it's not crazy.
- Hey.
- Hey.
You should go.
Yeah, I know.
This place is a...
What do you mean "you"?
I did this.
I dragged you here.
I did this. I did this.
We did this.
- No.
- Yes.
We dragged us out here.
This is not gonna work.
It's just not gonna work here.
It's fine. That's fucking fine.
'Cause I tried.
I fucking tried.
I was... The fuck.
I know, I know
this is gonna
sound stupid...
- No, it's fine.
- I don't have an identity.
Don't pull that shit, dude.
I don't have a fucking...
Jesus! Are you fucking 27?
Don't make me feel
stupid about it.
I'm not. I'm just saying.
Come on.
What am I?
My wife.
I can't just... I can't just
be your wife.
-I'm just saying that's just
what you are.
-A man, a man, a man
can't be my big
crowning achievement.
Okay, come here.
Hey. Nobody's saying that's your
fucking crowning achievement.
You can do whatever you want.
Whatever you want.
And I just, honestly...
We can go get the fucking crown.
Hey.
When we were leaving LA.
When we were leaving LA...
- Nothing...
- What?
Nothing. Nothing.
-What is it?
-I didn't think
you'd actually come.
Well, you fucking
know me well, huh?
You didn't think I'd come?
You didn't think I...
I'm fucking here, okay?
It's not you.
You're gonna
give me the "it's not you,
it's me" bullshit?
It's us.
It's not you... You...
It's me.
You know what that fucking
means. That means it's me
when you say that bullshit.
Don't you think I fucking
know it?
You don't think I fucking know?
You think I fucking watched...
I watched this shit.
I watched me
do the things that I do.
And you still do them.
That's the fucked up thing.
- We can go to therapy.
- I don't want to go to therapy.
- What's that gonna do?
- I'll take fucking drugs.
I'll do whatever
it fucking takes.
I'll take a fucking bullet
for you, you know that.
I just wanna be alone.
That's it.
I just wanna be alone.
You want a divorce.
No. That's not
what I'm saying.
I didn't say that.
Then you wanna live on this
opposite side of the country?
I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know. Maybe.
Like, for a little bit,
I don't know.
- Oh, that'll look good.
- What?
That'll look good?
I'm so sick of fucking giving
a shit about what things
look like.
I've spent my whole life
worrying about what things
look like.
It's all I do. It's all I do.
Just worry about what it
look like.
And on the outside everything
is great. And on the inside,
I'm fucking falling apart.
And I just wanna like, like,
wanna actually like the person
who is on the inside.
I wanna actually, like, enjoy
and accept this person.
Just for the moment. And maybe,
with a fucking smile on my face.
For, like, a second.
That's all I want.
Well, fuck, man.
I thought I was the selfish one
this whole time.
That's some shit, huh?
Joe!
A little help!
A little help!
Doctor!
What happened?
I fucked up.