1
- Man, I tell you.
It is... it is hard.
I hear her... her voice
in my head all the time.
I walk in the door,
and she's asking me
something to do.
When the... when the lock turns,
she's like, "can you"...
it's unbelievable.
I mean, it's... and then,
you know, I don't have a job.
And I can't get a job
because I'm constantly
watching the kids.
And...
I mean, I got to tell you, man,
sometimes it feels like I threw
my whole life away.
- Oh, Jason, that's ridiculous.
Come on, man.
You're doing the right thing,
man.
You got a beautiful family.
- You really think so?
- Yeah.
- Thank you so much
for saying that.
- Ooh, you know what?
I'm supposed to fuck this chick
on the other side of town.
So I'm gonna take off.
Unless you want me to stay here.
'Cause I don't have to fuck her.
I can stay here with you.
- No. No, of course.
- Okay, yeah,
'cause I-i got to go.
- Okay.
- You let yourself out, right?
- Yeah.
How... see you later.
- Two, three, four.
- I have this joke I do
in my act,
and it goes like this:
People used to ask me, "you look
so happy with your wife."
What's the secret?"
And the secret to a great
marriage is very simple,
and here it is:
One person eats shit
over and over again,
breakfast, lunch, dinner,
and the other person
soars like a bird,
higher and higher,
flying horizontally
between two canyons,
and then coming back around
and feeding off the lost dreams
of the first person.
And if you don't have that,
well, then,
you'll never be happy.
I was married for seven years.
It was the hardest thing
I've ever had to do.
There's no right and wrong
in marriage.
It's just what will work.
- Hello?
I'm open for business.
- Yeah, I know,
and you look great.
I just... you know, we've been
getting along so well lately.
I don't want to ruin
the friendship.
And that's not to say
I'm not to blame.
- Jason, you look amazing.
Ooh, seriously, though, busy.
How do you keep your hands off
this guy?
- Well, you know,
he doesn't make any money,
so it's not hard.
- I could've got a job,
and I could've ditched
my dipshit friends.
Arthur, it's Jason Nash.
- It's Jason fucking Nash!
- Yeah, what's wrong with you,
huh?
- What's happening?
- Let his kid in your school!
- I don't have much
control over...
- ah, yeah!
- See, unlike me,
busy knew exactly
what she wanted at all times.
- Jason, I can't go.
I have work. I have work.
- It's really a great quality.
Okay, so mommy's gonna stay
here, okay, guys?
And we're gonna go.
But if she wasn't doing
what she wanted...
- All right.
She was very unhappy.
Isn't this great?
- It's really, really not.
- And in the end,
I did what a lot of guys do.
I fucked things up.
- Do you have someplace to go?
- Ah!
- Hey, whoa.
- Ah, ah.
- Sorry, neighbor.
Didn't you hear me knocking?
- Yeah, I did.
I didn't want to talk
to anybody.
- Hey, I'm scooter.
Official single-guy
welcoming committee.
Little known fact:
I've had my dick out in every
apartment in this building.
- Scooter, I just moved in,
and I'm actually going through
a separation,
and I'm just feeling
a little depressed.
- All us divorced guys,
we look out for each other.
- Yeah, I'm separated.
- What's with the dick sweeper?
- Well, you know,
we're just living
in a cool part of town now,
so I was just trying to do,
like,
a silver lake
hipster kind of thing.
- Mm, more like a
"gargle another man's balls"
kind of thing.
Not that I haven't been there.
HUH?
Just fucking with ya.
Shit.
What's this?
- That's my wig and costume box,
but please don't touch that.
- Dude, since we're gonna be
bro-ing out together,
we should write a sitcom
about our exploits.
- Ah, no,
I'm not gonna do that with you.
That sounds terrible
to spend that much time
with you.
- Seriously, do you know anybody
in the TV business?
- Uh, me? No.
Nope.
I don't know anybody
in the TV business.
- We got to find someone.
- TV is what busy does.
She's a producer.
I would've loved to have done
something like that,
but I could never get a job
doing it.
Before I got married,
I had a lot of promise.
I tried to get my own show
many times, but...
Every time I get into a room
with people,
something happens.
So what'd you think?
Did you like it?
- It's like hope has run
so far away from this guy
that it's actually gone...
it's, like,
sunk beyond the horizon
and he's in a land
of endless night, you know,
no wheat's growing,
no engines are running.
Everything's dying.
- I had this voice
in the back of my head,
and it always says
the same thing.
"You have no business
being part of society."
I know what you're saying.
"Oh, why doesn't he quit
and just get a job at a bank?"
A bank?
A bank wouldn't hire me.
I've spent the last ten years
making status updates.
I'm unhireable.
Besides, you think
that's the answer?
To go work somewhere
where you're miserable?
Nah, I'm sorry.
That's... that's not what life
is about.
Life is about
following the thing
that you're passionate about
until the very end,
at any cost,
no matter how stupid you look.
- All right, you ready?
- I'm ready.
- We are good.
- This look good?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay.
- That's a real gun, by the way,
so be careful.
- What?
- I said, it's a real gun,
so be careful.
- You got a real gun?
- Well, it's my dad's.
- But why would you use
a real gun?
This is a silly sketch.
- BECAUSE... YOU SEE BLACK RAIN?
- BLACK RAIN?
- THE MOVIE.
- WITH...
- Michael Douglas. YEAH.
- Did you see the guns,
how fake they looked?
Looks real...
- just take this.
I don't... I don't...
- J!
- Hey.
- What are you doing?
What is this?
- What are you doing home?
I thought you were at work.
- Yeah, I was.
Charley had her checkup,
remember?
Why are you wearing
that ridiculous wig?
What... hi.
- You know Dennis.
- Hi.
- Uh, we're shooting
a video for a contest
for a comedy website.
- All right.
Well, what's the contest?
What's the prize?
- A tote bag.
Jason, I just saw this.
Were you gonna tell me
about this?
- I want to pay that. I do.
- You owe $30,000 in back taxes?
- I know. I know.
I saw that bill.
- You have to get a job.
- I know. I got to do something
about that.
- You have to.
- I know.
You know, I'm gonna get a job.
I'm gonna get a job.
Right after we do this,
I'm gonna send out some emails.
- Okay, you're just...
that's how...
you're gonna send off
some emails and get a...
what are you gonna do?
What's the plan?
- Look, I want to reassure you
that totally responsibly Jason
is here,
and I'm going to grow up,
starting now.
- Shit, man.
This is loaded.
I forgot to take the clip out.
- Oh, my God. Jason.
- You're not around
a lot of children, are you?
- Ball.
- I got an idea.
- What?
- I want to get you a meeting
at blazers media.
- Oh, to pitch a show?
- No, dude.
To be a receptionist.
My law firm represents this guy
who just opened
this new company.
He's running this company.
It's called blazers media.
I'm gonna get you in there.
- Hey, hey, I know.
- My shot, dude. My shot.
- I know.
- I'll pitch a show
with Randy Plymouth.
That'll be great.
- Randy Plymouth, the comedian?
- That'll be great.
- That's insane.
He's drunk all the time.
- He smokes crack.
No one smokes crack anymore.
- He's clean.
He's totally clean now.
- Didn't you just see he just
got caught taking a picture
of an 18-year-old boy
on his roof?
- Yeah, so what?
He's 18. That's cool.
- I don't think
you're hearing me, okay?
This is a receptionist job.
That's it.
- Dude, Randy Plymouth,
variety show.
It's a slam dunk.
What's up?
Is that a bigger ball
than normal?
Is that a bigger size?
Is that regulation?
Shit, 'cause it feels bigger.
- Thanks for coming over here,
'cause blazers won't be set up
for another couple weeks,
so I won't physically be
in the office until, you know,
two or three weeks from now.
I'm on hold right now.
I'm getting a shark tank.
I mean, it's a fish tank,
but it's gonna be big enough
to hold a shark.
- Do you want to go?
Do you want to take that?
- No, no, no, I'm listening.
I'm still listening.
So what have you been up to?
- Oh, um, you know, I've been
making videos for this website.
You know, it's funny.
I was actually gonna
go pitch something
with David Fincher, maybe.
- Adventure baby?
I like the sound of that.
Adventure baby.
- No, no, I said,
"David Fincher, maybe."
Not "adventure baby."
- YEAH, I WOULD DEFINITELY WATCH
SOMETHING CALLED ADVENTURE BABY.
So that's a good idea.
And then as far as
this Randy Plymouth thing goes,
he's an icon.
I mean, I love him.
I've been a fan
since I was six or seven.
Really, seven.
The problem is,
at the end of the day,
is he sober?
- Randy? Oh, yeah.
Randy is... he's totally clean.
He's been clean
for a couple months now, and...
- really?
- Yeah.
- That sounds great.
Well, I tell you what,
why don't I go over
to his mansion...
to Randy's mansion... meet him.
We'll hash the whole thing out
and see if we can get
something going.
- Oh, my God.
- Awesome.
- That's awesome.
- That's great.
- It's great!
- Now I'm on the...
that's so great.
- Okay, that's awesome.
- Oh.
- All right, they got it.
They have it.
Okay, great.
- They have the shark tank?
- Yeah, well, it's a fish tank,
as a mentioned earlier,
but it'll be able to hold
a shark.
- Randy, come on.
You got to get out of bed.
Let's go.
You got to get dressed.
- Mm-mm.
- Oh, my God,
you're really depressed.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I am.
'Cause I haven't done
any drugs in a month, okay?
You know what that's like?
Guess what.
I don't like
who I am without substances.
- Come on.
We agreed that we were gonna
do this show from your house.
I mean, you were all excited
to do it,
and I really need you to step up
for me right now.
Come on, I got to make
something happen for my family.
- Why do I need you
for a TV show anyways, huh?
What are you bringing
to the table?
- Well, I'm a writer.
You don't write.
You don't even know
how to work a typewriter.
- Typewriter?
- Yeah.
- Who uses a typewriter anymore?
- Well, you can't even type.
And I'm punctual.
I'll get you to meetings
on time.
I'll remember
when the meetings are.
I know when it's appropriate
and when it's not appropriate
to touch a woman's breast.
- That's low.
- Yep.
All right, okay, look.
He texted me. He's here.
He's outside.
- Let's go.
- I'm going.
- Let's go, Randy.
Let's do this.
- I'm going!
- Randy, get down here.
Hey!
- Hey.
- What's up? All right.
- How are you?
- Thanks so much
for coming over, man.
- You remember Trisha,
my new girlfriend.
- Of course.
Hey, we met last time.
- We did?
- Yeah.
- I don't remember.
- Oh.
- Nice. Oh, Randy Plymouth!
Huge comedy boner alert!
I've got a comedy boner
right now.
- Get out of my house.
I'm not up for this.
- Hey, I'm a huge fan.
I love it when you play
"pull my finger."
- You don't know me.
You don't know me.
- Okay.
This is a side of Randy Plymouth
that I haven't seen.
I like. You guys want to party?
I brought a six-pack and
some pretty good white stuff.
- Oh, my dear God.
I'll show you the coke room.
- Hey, hey, hey, Randy, no.
- I want to show you...
I'll show you the coke room.
- There's no coke room today.
Hey, tidal, I told you,
Randy is clean.
He's a month sober.
He's doing great.
- Okay, hey,
so he really is sober.
Jason, you want to...
- No, I'm good.
I'm great.
It's the middle of the day.
- Okay, well,
now I feel like a jerk.
- Oh, no, no, I'm sorry.
Don't feel like a jerk.
I mean, have fun. That's cool.
- Oh, no, I just feel like
a jerk 'cause I brought so much.
I'm still gonna...
- You know what?
This is probably not the best
thing for Randy to be watching.
Randy, what are you doing?
- All right, now somebody's
ready to party.
- Randy, Randy...
- get the fuck away from me.
I'm not gonna sit here and...
- Put it down, Randy!
Put it down.
You know what?
I feel really bad.
We shouldn't be doing this
in front of him.
- All right, let's finish off
these lines,
and then we'll do a couple more,
and then we'll be good to go.
Slide!
Yeah!
- They have to leave, okay?
The nanny's bringing
the kids over.
- Okay, good.
- Randy Plymouth,
it's been an honor.
I can't wait to make
comedy genius with you.
- All right.
- Wait a minute. So we sold it?
- Yeah, of course you sold it.
Hell yeah, you did.
I love the mansion.
I love the concept.
I love Randy Plymouth.
LIVE FROM
RANDY PLYMOUTH'S PLAYHOUSE.
It's gonna be good.
- Ah, that's great news.
- Do you guys have any rubbers?
- No, I don't have any rubbers.
That was really fun.
So much fun.
Just hanging out is fun too,
you know?
It doesn't have to be
all business all the time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- So listen,
it's not gonna work.
- What's not gonna work?
- Well, just the whole thing
with Randy.
I mean, he's different,
isn't he?
Don't you think?
- Yeah, he's not, like,
out of control Randy.
He's, like, super depressing.
- Yeah, he's just not
the same force of nature
that he used to be, you know?
Just tell him it's not gonna go,
and, you know,
I just didn't want
to embarrass him.
Hey, do you have any rubbers?
Did I already ask you that?
- Yeah,
you already asked me that.
No, I don't have any rubbers.
- It's just a different way
of saying condoms.
- Yeah, I know what rubbers are.
- Okay.
This is embarrassing.
I left my keys in the house.
Can you go get 'em?
- Hey, buddy, listen.
I'm... I'm really sorry
that it didn't work out.
I know that you tried
really, really hard.
And, look, I know
you're gonna get a break.
I know you are.
All right, I'll just...
I'll see you later, okay?
I'll make dinner.
Love you.
- Hello?
- Jason, congratulations.
We sold the show.
- The show with Randy Plymouth?
- No, no, remember, I said
that wasn't gonna work out.
NO, WE SOLD ADVENTURE BABY.
I pitched it to my boss.
He loved it, bought it.
It's a go.
- I said "David Fincher, maybe."
- NO, I LIKE ADVENTURE BABY
BETTER AS A TITLE.
DAVID FINCHER, MAYBE?
Like, what is that show about,
you know?
- There is no show, tidal!
- Well, you better come up
with an idea,
BECAUSE YOU JUST SOLD
ADVENTURE BABY.
I love hanging up on somebody
right after
I tell them something.
It gives it more gravitas.
- Yes!
Yes!
Yes!
Yeah!
Yeah, I sold a show.
Look, it's not so bad
being single.
I mean, who wants to be married?
Who wants to do half of what
they want to do at all times?
I mean, unless you have no legs
or something.
I didn't want to get married.
But all I knew was,
when I wasn't with her,
I was bummed out.
She was that great.
She was that much fun
to be with.
- It's done.
Two tickets to Springsteen,
Friday night, sold out.
We got vip backstage passes.
- She was on your side.
It was the best thing
in the world.
- Excuse me.
- No, it's okay.
- Excuse me.
- It's fine.
- I'm sorry,
my husband was next.
He was just about to pay
for his protein powder.
- This is just gonna take
a second.
- Oh, no, no, I get that,
you know,
all things being equal.
Even when you call ahead,
you still have to wait in line
like a decent
fucking human being.
- And if she was against you...
- GOOD LORD, Jason,
THAT MUSTACHE IS RIDICULOUS.
- Watch out.
Oh, was that good?
- That was it?
No, that was awful.
- Even when she nagged you,
you sort of liked it,
because out of all the suckers
in the world,
she chose you.
- Can't we just do
something quiet,
like go to a nice restaurant
and look at each other
and talk and eat delicious food
and drink wine?
- Yeah.
We had an unexplainable
connection.
And then all this shit happens,
and it goes away.
- So I have a fun little project
for us.
- Oh, cool.
- I got all these architectural
magazines and stuff,
and I thought what we could do
is, go through them
and cut out our favorite tiles
and countertops
and faucets and things like that
for the house,
and you could put what you like,
and I can put what I like,
and then it would be
sort of like
our dream book for the house.
You know, like a dream.
- I'm not into that, you know?
And quite honestly,
it's very superficial.
You know, wanting stuff,
buying stuff.
"I want this. I need that."
I mean, is that really
what it's about, busy?
- I'm sorry
that it's superficial
for me to want to build
a nice life for us together.
- I know, but you wouldn't want
me opinion anyway.
- I do!
- No, you don't.
- That's why I'm asking.
- We've been through this.
You don't like...
and I have no idea.
I don't know how to pick
things out.
I pick stuff out, and you go,
"oh, that's not right."
And I just don't know.
So...
- You can like architecture
and design,
and it doesn't make you not
funny or... like, you know?
Brad pitt is an amazing actor,
and he's super into
architecture.
- God, CAN WE STOP WITH...
Can we stop with talking about
Brad pitt in this house?
I mean, believe me, the guy's...
the guy's got rocks in his head.
Honestly, you know.
- Are you kidding?
- No, I'm not kidding.
He's like a bunch
of yahtzee dice in a cup.
- Do you know that Brad pitt
has almost single-handedly
raised millions and millions
and millions and millions
and millions of dollars
for new Orleans and built...
- that's not hard.
I'm talking about...
I'm talking about brains.
I mean, I'm sure
he's a nice person.
I'm just saying, you know,
intellectually...
- Yeah, intellectually,
I'm sure you have him beat.
- Well, I probably do.
I don't see him on Twitter.
- When you're not just posting
jokes about shitting.
- Well, you know, it's funny.
It's just not my thing.
- Whatever. Fine.
- No, don't be mad.
Don't be mad about it.
I'm not trying to be a jerk.
I'm just telling you the truth.
You don't want...
a dream book?
You want me to spend my time
cutting out
pictures of things
from a magazine
that we may or may not get?
I tried to tell her
that material things
were not gonna make us happy,
that we needed to keep
our relationship simple.
And I get it.
I understand that she wants
certain things.
And I wanted to give it to her.
I wanted to care
how the house was decorated.
But I just didn't.
I owed the government $30,000
and had to come up with
a TV show based on a title.
- OKAY, OKAY, ADVENTURE BABY.
I got this.
- Nice. So you sold a show.
I bet you that burns busy's ass,
right?
Huh? Huh?
Ah-ha, in your face, busy!
Boom.
- Steve, we're not competing
against each other.
- You kind of are.
- Wait, I got it. I got it.
OKAY, OKAY, ADVENTURE BABY,
OKAY?
We stick a baby in the middle
of a mall, right,
and we let it crawl around,
figure its way out.
People bet on it.
ADVENTURE BABY. BOOM!
- Here's one that's better.
Okay, the baby is like
the crocodile hunter,
and every week it's got to kill
different, dangerous animals.
- Why do all your ideas involve
putting the baby in harm's way?
- Hey, it's your title, dude.
- Yeah.
Now in your face, busy.
Boom!
- I got another one.
- Ah, ah!
What are you do...
what are you doing?
- Why would you do that?
That's not funny, scooter.
Not funny at all, you know?
- You should see
the fucking look on your face.
- You don't go in and grab
somebody's nuts like that.
- Yes, you do.
- You know, man, I'm tired...
I'm tired of you, man.
You come in here,
you mess with me,
and then... and all you do is tell
me really depressing stuff.
- Buddy, I'm not the enemy,
all right?
There's this chick
I've been scoping out for you.
She lives in this building.
- Yeah, I'm really not ready
to start dating anybody,
so I don't want to do that.
- I know you're not.
That's why we're doing it
together.
A little two-on-one action.
You ever barbeque
on the same grill, huh?
Ah...
Ah... Switch!
Not yet. Switch again!
RIGHT?
- I don't know what's going on
in that scenario,
but, um, I just... I wouldn't be
into something with another guy.
- What?
Dude,
you should talk to someone.
You know, like a therapist.
- Okay, I need to talk
to a therapist.
- Yeah.
- Okay, sure.
- All right. Fucking weirdo.
- I...
- See you later.
- I sit with you
and feel
that I should feel...
- Hey, on Thursday, I want you
to come to my therapist with me.
Really, I just want you to meet
Dr. Glenn.
- You want me to go somewhere
where you've been going
for the last two years,
building a case against me,
and go in there
and face an ambush?
Is that what you want me to do?
- Really?
I thought you were more evolved
than that.
Come on.
Fine. Just forget it.
- So I'm here, and, uh...
- So, Jason, busy tells me that
you might have some reservations
about therapy,
and I want you to know
that I am going to be impartial,
always,
because my job is to make things
better for the two of you.
Busy tells me that sometimes
you find her to be controlling.
- Uh...
- I think that's far.
- Yeah.
Okay, yeah, sometimes I do
find her a little controlling.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, that can be a tough thing,
and believe it or not,
I'm that way
with my wife sometimes.
- Oh, yeah.
- Shoot.
You know what? I'm sorry.
I think I left my phone
in the waiting room.
I'm just gonna grab it.
Two seconds.
- Mm-hmm.
- Come right back.
- I will. Of course.
- Okay.
- Come here.
Come here.
Listen, dude, I want you to know
that I totally have your back.
Okay?
No matter what is said in here,
I'm on your side, bro.
Okay?
Do you know what I'm saying?
- What do you mean?
- What do I mean?
She's in her own world.
Look, we're a couple of guys.
Dudes back each other up, okay?
We're dudes.
I'm gonna back you up.
- Oh, no, no,
you don't have to do that.
- No, I'm going to do it.
- No, no, no, that's okay.
- Shut up. Here she comes.
Oh, my gosh. Thank you.
Sorry. Embarrassing.
- Any calls? Everything okay?
- Oh, no, I just didn't want
to leave it
because I have lost,
like, four phones.
- So, Jason, go on.
- Um, well, yeah, she's
a little controlling sometimes,
in that, you know,
I just kind of...
it feels like it encroaches on
my freedom a little bit and...
- Mm-hmm.
Do you feel that's
an accurate characterization?
Do you feel that sometimes
you are controlling with Jason?
- Well, yeah.
I mean, to be fair,
we have two children.
We have a lot of responsibility.
- Yep.
- I'm the one that... I mean...
- she makes all the money.
- Right.
I'm over here,
and I'm doing this thing,
and I'm over there,
and I'm doing that thing,
and I'm parenting the kids,
and so when I ask you to pick up
milk, it's not an order.
It's not me being controlling
when I ask you
to come home at 10:00 P.M.,
as opposed to staying out
till 3:00.
- Right, right.
I just have... I'm working
when I'm out that late.
I mean, I'm, like,
doing stand-up.
- I mean, like,
hanging out in a club is work.
- I don't know.
- Yeah.
- I don't know.
- A big component of your job,
as I understand it,
is hanging out.
There's a lot of...
there's a social component
to stand-up comedy that is...
it's being in those clubs,
and that's a big part
of how connections are made,
getting work
and securing future work.
- I just haven't thought of it
that way.
- That's right.
- Like, it was more...
- you know, I'm sure
you would be able to tell busy
that there's an unpleasantness
to this hanging out.
You wish you could be home
sometimes.
But that...
it's all part of the...
it's all part of the business.
- Do you see why I love him?
Isn't he the best?
- He's the best! This is great.
Dr. Glenn!
I know I should've said
something about Dr. Glenn,
but it was so much easier
not saying something.
- I don't know.
I just have never thought about
it like that before.
- GIVE HIM SOME SPACE TO SELL
THIS SHOW ADVENTURE BABY.
Just... he's so close.
- See, with Dr. Glenn
on my side,
busy eased off a bunch.
- It's a little bit more simple.
And then...
- I told you, you do the tiles.
I don't care.
I don't have an opinion, and
I have to get this pitch done
FOR ADVENTURE BABY.
I don't... I don't even know
what I'm doing.
Listen, this guy's the man.
Whatever he says goes.
You're driving the ship.
And it made no sense
to say anything
because we were getting along
better than ever.
Looking good.
That's the old...
that's the old nightie.
That's our
little action nightie.
And busy was tough.
You know?
You needed two people to...
I don't even think
I have to come anymore.
I feel like mostly the work
is being done over here.
- I'm sorry.
- Hey, you know, there's no
right and wrong here.
We're in it together, you know.
- Buddy, oh!
- Exactly. Thank you.
Have you heard about this thing,
your mourn?
- No. What is that?
What does that mean?
- Your mourn.
It's like, if I died, who would
you go to for consoling?
And then, like, ultimately,
who would you be with?
Like, who's your mourn?
- That's not a...
I don't think that's a thing.
- It is a thing.
I thought of it.
- OH.
Well, there you go.
It's not a thing.
- I'm trying
to get it out there.
I think it's a good thing.
It's kind of interesting.
Who's your mourn?
Who would... who's yours?
Who would you go... if I died...
if I died, I got hit
by a truck... boom, gone...
where do you go?
Who do you go to?
What guy? Go.
- Ugh...
I don't... Chris Olsen, maybe?
Does that work?
- Chris Olsen.
- Does that work?
- I love it. I can see it.
He's totally successful.
And he's a nice guy.
He's handsome.
He doesn't have...
- doesn't have kids of his own.
- He doesn't have kids.
- Fuck.
- That's important.
- Fuck that.
- Fuck someone else's kids.
- Someone else's kids? Ugh.
- 'Cause I'd already be dealing
with you dead.
- Yeah.
- And I don't want the kids
to have to adjust
to somebody else's kids.
- Somebody else's weird kids
walking around.
- All right, who's yours?
Whatever.
This is the point, right?
You want to tell me who...
- okay, you want to know
who mine is.
Okay, I'll tell you.
- You know who mine is?
- Huh?
- I thought about it.
- Erica savage.
- Ugh.
- Erica savage? Gross, J.
- Erica Sav... you don't like
Erica savage?
- No, she's crazy.
I don't like Erica savage.
- She's great.
- No, she's not.
- She's the opposite of you.
She's, like, really free.
And like... you're great.
You're great.
But you're a little rigid.
But she's... I would go
in the other...
if you died, I would go
in the other direction.
I'd be like,
"I get somebody free."
Like, she's barefoot.
She likes to write songs.
She always has a guitar
in her back seat.
- So gross.
- She loves the beach.
- Yuck.
- And you know I love the beach.
- I do not love the beach.
- Right.
So that's... mine would be Erica.
- Erica savage is bonkers.
I think she's cra...
I mean, like,
do you remember that
she gave back her foster child?
Who does that?
- Oh, yeah, I think I remember
something about that.
But, you know, that foster child
was really rude.
She said those things
to the rabbi.
That was...
- she's a child,
like, an abused...
- she called the rabbi a Jew
to his face.
That's...
- All right,
well, I can't even...
I don't even know
how to begin with that.
- It didn't work out.
It didn't work out with...
you know, what are you gonna do?
- Jason, Erica's crazy.
Just don't tell her
about the mourn thing.
Just don't...
- don't tell her?
What do you think of me?
You are sensational.
I was just saying to busy
last night that, um...
- what?
You guys were talking about me?
- Well, I'm not... I'm not
supposed to tell you this.
I said, "if anything
ever happened to you",
I would love for Erica savage
to be my mourn."
- Your what?
Your mourn? What's that?
- You never heard that term?
Your mourn?
It's, uh, your mourn.
It's like... it's like, you know,
if your husband or wife dies,
it's like,
who will be your mourn?
Who will you go to?
And I said, "Erica savage."
'Cause I think
we would get along great.
So...
- Uh... Thank you, I guess?
- You're welcome.
- That's kind of an awful thing
to think about.
It's pretty morbid.
- Yeah, it's a little morbid.
- Kind of weird.
- It's a little...
yeah, it's a little morbid.
- Kind of effed up.
- Sure, sure.
But I mean, you know...
- thanks for sharing that
with me.
- Yeah.
- So if your wife dies,
I'm the one.
I'll be waiting for that.
I'm gonna be waiting for that.
Thanks a lot, Jason.
- No, no, that's...
- No, I really appreciate it.
- Erica,
that's not what I meant.
You...
I was trying to cheer you up,
Erica.
Good talk.
- Jason, I want you
to do something for me.
I want you to say, out loud,
"I am good enough."
Go ahead and do that.
- I really don't want
to do that.
- Mm, I know
you don't want to do it,
but I think you should.
Go ahead and say it, out loud.
"I am good enough."
Say it out loud.
I am good enough.
- How'd that feel?
I... okay.
- That's right. Say it again.
"I am good enough."
- Are you serious?
- Yes, I am.
- I am good enough.
- How'd that feel?
- Good.
- It felt pretty good, right?
- Yeah.
- Say it one more time, louder.
"I am good enough."
- I AM GOOD ENOUGH.
- Now how'd that feel?
- Good.
- "I am a funny comedian,
and I can do anything."
- I am a funny comedian,
and I can do anything.
- Right? Does that feel good?
- Yeah.
- "I can be successful
at comedy."
- I can be successful at comedy.
- That's right.
How'd that feel?
- Good.
- Give me some more.
What else can you do?
- I can, uh, get up on stage
and make people laugh.
- That's right.
What else can you do?
- I can do anything
I put my mind to!
I can write screenplays!
- Mm, screenplays
are pretty hard.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Too hard for you.
- I just think
it's really solid here.
I think we got...
I mean, I really think we got...
- it writes itself, right?
- Pretty much, and I think we
have a really good handle on it.
It's just, we need to go over
a couple of these notes and...
- do you have any key points?
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Oh, good.
Okay, so you remember Chris.
- Jason, yeah, good to see you.
- Hi, Chris.
Good to see you again.
- CHRIS IS ONE OF THE CREATORS
OF VORTEX.
- Oh, yeah.
- AND WE GOT THE NEXT VORTEX
RIGHT HERE.
- YEAH, DID YOU SEE
THE VORTEX FINALE?
- OH, YEAH, VORTEX.
We've... we watched...
- what was your favorite part?
- Um... Well...
- You liked the surprise
at the end.
- Yeah.
- And the cliffhanger.
- The end.
- Thank you so much.
- When they all ended up
just being in the same place
they started...
- It has huge, huge numbers.
I mean...
- Now I'm blushing.
What are you working on?
- Well, I went and pitched
this thing to this guy,
and he sort of misheard me.
I said... I said
I was working on something
with David Fincher, maybe.
- I love David Fincher.
I've seen all of his stuff.
That's great.
- Yeah.
- So it's sort of like
a David Fincher meets...
like, updating it for...
- well, we'll see.
We'll see what the idea is...
- I SAW SOCIAL NETWORK.
- Okay, yeah.
- So good.
- IT'S ACTUALLY... THE SHOW
HAS TO BE CALLED ADVENTURE BABY
'cause he misheard me.
- Cool.
- But maybe I can...
- well, as long as you bring in
that David Fincher structure.
- I don't know if they'll...
I don't know if they'll be any...
- uh, so, J... so, listen, we're
just nailing out this pitch,
'cause we have it on Monday,
and we need to work for two,
maybe three hours tops,
if you could watch the kids.
- By the way, this tile, unreal.
I love that you guys
are tile people.
- Yeah.
- We love it.
We love... we love doing
what busy wants to do.
So...
- J, it's gonna be two,
three hours tops, work here,
and then if you can just
keep an eye on the kids.
And we'll... - yeah.
- We'll be done very soon.
- Of course.
Oh, looks like
there's somebody here.
- Let me get that.
- Okay.
- Do you guys
want something to drink?
- Arnold Palmer.
- Arnold Palmer?
- What do you want?
- Gatorade.
- Gatorade. I don't have...
I'll see if I have gatorade.
- Hey!
- Hi.
- How are you doing?
- Really, really good.
How are you?
- I'm doing great.
Are you doing better
since the other day?
- Yeah, yeah.
You know, I thought about
what you were saying,
and I get it now.
- Oh, my God.
What I was saying was so stupid.
I am so sorry that...
- it's not stupid, Jason.
I love you too.
- No, no, Erica,
that's not what I was saying.
- I know you weren't saying it
because you couldn't say it.
We have to tell busy.
- Tell busy what?
- That we love each other
and we want to be together.
I can try to get Ariel back.
- I... I'm in love with busy.
I'm not...
I don't want to be with you.
I just... I just was saying it
in a hypothetical scenario.
- It's okay.
You don't have to be scared.
- Erica, you have to go.
You've taken this
to the wrong place.
- Sometimes the wrong place
is the right place.
- And so we have to...
hey, who was at the door?
- Oh, uh, nobody. Nobody.
Um, you know what?
Let me get, uh...
- Ow.
- Oh, uh, nobody.
Oh, you know what?
I didn't get the drinks.
- Okay.
- Let me get those drinks
for you guys.
- Erica? Oh, my...
what are you doing here?
- Hello.
- Whoa.
- Oh, Jason didn't tell you
he just slammed the door
in my face?
- No.
No, he didn't tell me that.
Jason...
- and that we're in love
with each other.
- Oh, good lord.
- That's not what I said, Erica.
I simply said, if busy died,
that you would be my mourn,
that I would want to be
with you.
- I know.
- Just like if I died...
- No.
- Chris would be busy's mourn.
That's all I said.
- Jason,
I want to be with you too.
Let's just all tell the truth
to each other.
- Okay, I'll tell you the truth.
Busy was right.
You are crazy,
and you need to leave.
- Yeah, right.
- Just...
- Hey, are you dating anyone?
- How do you mean?
- Erica, go.
- I'm right across the street,
if you want to come over
after your meeting.
ASSHOLE.
- She's cute.
- I am so sorry.
- IT'S FUNNY, THAT WHOLE MOURN
THING WE DID ON MY SHOW, VORTEX.
- No, no, that's my thing.
That's my idea.
- You must've taken it
from the show,
because we did it years ago.
OH, MY God, HE'S RIGHT.
It was, like, the end
of the first season, right?
There was a whole episode
about your mourn.
It was just... it was one episode,
to be fair.
- Yeah, I guess...
no, I guess that's yours, so...
- How about those drinks, man?
- Yeah. Yeah, the drinks.
- Thanks, man.
- Busy was around
successful dudes all the time.
It was like a parade
of white guys exactly like me,
only they all had
health insurance.
I knew if our relationship
was gonna survive,
I HAD TO MAKE
ADVENTURE BABY WORK.
- Ha! That's great.
- It's funny, right?
- Yeah.
- So that's it, you know.
ADVENTURE BABY.
He's a baby,
but he's really subversive,
and, you know, he gambles
and he smokes cigarettes
and he fights crime.
And he smokes... he smokes pot.
- Yeah.
- I love that.
And obviously, it doesn't
have to be real pot,
because the parents of the
babies that you get to play this
are not gonna...
they're obviously gonna say,
"I don't want my baby
smoking real pot."
- The... uh, the cartoon.
- What?
- This is gonna be a cartoon.
ADVENTURE BABY WILL BE
AN ANIMATED PROJECT.
- Oh...
- Yeah, I had a feeling...
- Oh!
- 'Cause we said that,
but I feel like you maybe
you didn't hear it.
- The whole show is a cartoon.
- Yeah.
- So you're just drawing
the baby.
- Yeah, this is...
this is animated.
- I thought this was just, like,
a reference drawing for casting.
- No, it's not live action.
- Yeah.
- Okay, that makes it...
that's a good change,
because it makes it a lot easier
to shoot, you know,
than if it had to be
a real baby.
- IT'S ALL LOONEY TUNES.
- Well, whatever.
- Yeah.
- But you know what?
I don't care whether you draw it
on a cave,
whether you hand it out
on pamphlets,
or whatever you do with it.
I think this is great.
I really love this.
I'm so glad that tidal
brought this to me.
- I want to do this.
- Booyah!
Oh-oh, yeah!
Oh, man.
I... I'm sorry.
I really needed a sale
this week.
I am this close to foreclosure.
This is just...
this is exciting.
GOOD. OKAY.
- L'CHAIM.
- It feels good, man.
This is it.
- That was a good day.
- I feel like
I can just breathe.
- Hey, speaking of, it turns out
Karen and I go to the same
therapist as you and busy.
- Okay, yeah, yeah. Dr. Glenn.
- Dr. Glenn.
- Yeah?
You guys are going there?
- Yeah.
So he said something
kind of weird.
"Listen, man, whatever you say,
I'm with you."
Did he do that to you?
- Yeah, yeah, he said...
- he did that to you too?
- He said the same thing to me.
She walked out of the room,
and he leaned in,
and he was like,
"you're a bro. I'm your bro."
He did that to you too?
- Yeah, he was totally like,
"whatever you say,
I'm gonna take your side."
- Isn't that amazing?
He's cool.
- I got to tell you, man,
I'm not comfortable with that.
That feels like lying.
We got to come clean
about this, man.
- Mm-mm.
- This is just eating me up
inside.
I can't sleep from the guilt.
We need to talk about this.
- No, no, you'll be fine.
- You want to say something?
- I don't.
I don't want to say anything.
Do you?
- I'll keep my mouth shut, but...
- Yeah.
- Yikes.
- Yeah, I think that's best,
'cause, you know,
he's the professional.
I would like to make a toast
to my wife, busy.
You have been incredible
through this whole thing.
Thank you so much
for standing by me.
And, um, you're awesome.
I don't know what I would be
without you.
So thank you.
- Okay, I got to get something
off my chest.
- No, no, no, no, no.
Ted, you don't
have to say anything.
- I have to.
- Ted, you don't have to.
You don't have to do that.
- That therapist we've
been seeing is lying to you.
He told Jason and I...
took us aside
and said that he was on our side
no matter what
and he would always take our
side in any argument that arose,
and it has been sitting
on my chest.
I'm SO SORRY.
- Jason, did he say that to you?
- Um... I'm trying to think.
Did he say that?
I mean, I thought... yeah.
Yeah, he did.
He did say something like that.
- And you lied to me?
You thought that that was okay?
You lied to me?
- No, no, wait, wait, wait.
Now, that's not lying.
I played within the confines.
- Um, I think it's time for me
to take care of my side
of the street.
It's truth time.
None of my part of it
is real either.
- What... what do you mean?
- Just blazers media, all that.
I have a disease.
I'm a pathological liar,
and my therapist told me
to confront the people
that I've lied to.
And so there's no blazers media
or any of it.
None of it's real.
- We went over there.
We went to the building.
We... there was a sign.
- There was a sign and a couch
and books on the walls.
- I mean, there are couches
in most buildings,
and then as far
as the sign goes,
I'm pretty handy with Photoshop,
'cause I was
a graphic design major.
You know what?
That's not true either.
- Ted...
- I didn't really go to college.
- Ted, I thought
you checked him out.
- I mean, I gave him a call,
but we had to cut off
the Internet at work, man.
I had to cut everything out.
We haven't had Internet
at the office for... I don't know.
I want to say three...
three, four weeks now. Yeah.
- No, no, no,
what about Marty Denman?
Who... we talked to Marty Denman.
- Yeah, he owes my father
$200,000,
so he'll basically do
whatever I ask him to.
I mean, he'd bury a body
if you guys had one.
I don't know if you...
- wait a minute. Wait a minute.
You're a pathological liar,
and...
Then this is a lie right now.
You're lying.
- This is another lie.
- It's another one of your lies.
Because this is all...
it couldn't possibly
all be fake.
- It'd be awesome if this was...
- this is one of your lies,
right?
- It's really not.
This is one of the only true
things I've said
in three months.
It's hard to be around people
who make excuses.
It's even harder to think that
you might be
one of those people.
And as far as my relationship,
you can only fail
in front of the same person
so many times.
- Hey, look out!
Underwear shot.
- Hey.
Hi.
- Hey, did you just
throw these at me?
- I'm sorry.
We know each other.
We know each other,
so I thought...
- Oh, okay. All right.
We know each other, okay.
We met before?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Through your podcast.
- So you were on the podcast?
You...
- no, um, actually, no,
I'm a listener.
So... So I know you through that.
- Right.
So I wouldn't know you.
I wouldn't... I wouldn't...
I wouldn't know you through...
necessarily, unless we had
some interaction or...
- no.
- Do we...
have we spoken before?
- No. No.
- Don't be upset.
That's okay. I love it.
Listen.
Honestly, this is, like...
that's probably
the coolest thing
that's happened to me
in two months, so...
- whatever.
I think you're really funny.
So right now, I'm doing
the dog-walking thing,
but I'm also working on
this astrological handbook
and I'm also doing
this sex toy business
with my best friend, Ethnie.
But I'm also just trying to
keep time open for a boyfriend
'cause I really
want a boyfriend.
Is it bad to say
that I want a boyfriend?
- No, no, not at all.
I think that's really good.
Say exactly what you want.
- I mean, I'm not one of those
women that's like,
"I must get married."
- Yeah.
- I mean, I will eventually
fucking kill you
if you don't marry me.
- Yeah, well,
maybe don't say that.
- HEY.
Oh, you still
wear your wedding ring.
- Oh, yeah, you know, I...
honestly,
I didn't even know it was on.
I probably should take that off.
OH.
PROBABLY SHOULD...
NO.
She's not coming back.
Throw it away.
I really should keep it on here,
though,
'cause it's the best way
to not lose it.
- Right. Listen.
Let me give you...
if I have one... a card.
Um, only if you want some
advertisements on your podcast
because another job I do
is to help people find sponsors.
So that's my number.
- Um...
- Okay.
- You have a ton of jobs.
- I do.
I mean, I don't want you
to think I'm, like,
one of those people
that's all over the place.
'Cause I am
a really solid person.
- Yeah.
Your panties
are over there still.
- Oh.
- You want to hear
my Neil diamond song?
- Jason.
- Food!
I been eating some - Jason.
- I love you, food
- Jason,
I have to tell you something.
Please,
I just need to say this and...
- what is it, baby?
Um...
When I was in Arizona
for work...
I cheated on you
with Dan morrison.
- Oh, my God.
Really?
- I didn't sleep with him
or anything, Jason, we just...
I was really drunk,
and we fooled around.
And I feel... I don't know.
It was so weird, and I'm...
I'm so sorry, Jason.
And I just... I've been
beating myself up about it
for two weeks,
and I just didn't know
if I should even tell you.
And, God, I'm just so sorry.
I can't believe I would...
I don't know why I...
it's just so stupid.
I'm so sorry.
- Hey. It's okay.
No worries.
Who cares?
- What?
- I don't care.
- What do you... what do you...
what do you mean, "who cares"?
- It doesn't bother me.
Do you love him?
- No, of course
I don't love him, Jason.
- Okay,
so then what's the big deal?
So you hooked up.
No big deal.
Oh, God.
You know what?
I'm gonna go to sleep
before I eat the fridge.
All right.
Will you lock up
and, you know, do the lights?
I love you.
I'll see you upstairs.
To be married,
you got to be normal.
You got to care
about normal things
that normal people care about.
Like tile and thank you notes.
And, yes, I cared
that she was with someone else.
But saying that I didn't
was the only way
I could have some power.
I was the shit spouse
in that relationship,
the person
who waits for the cable guy
or takes an animal
to the hospital
when he needs to be put down.
And with busy,
everything was about her
and her life.
- I'm so glad that
we finally worked this out
and you guys could make it over.
It's great.
And, Andy, seriously,
we would love to work with you
on something this year.
- Oh, I'm glad somebody
wants to work with me.
- Everybody wants
to work with you.
I'm just glad that
we're getting to know you guys,
because friendship
is so important.
I had to cut off a friend
this morning.
- Oh, no.
- What happened?
- Remember how I told you
I took a picture of my kid
watching the
shake weight commercial?
- Right.
- So funny.
- And it's like, you know,
a woman is shaking a weight,
like, doing this gesture
right in front of her breasts.
Anyway, I put it on Facebook,
I told my friends.
Like, I locked the privacy down.
I said, don't share this
with anybody.
It's a picture of my kid,
but it's so funny.
- Of course.
- And this woman
put it on her tumblr blog.
OH.
- A picture of my kid.
That's the ultimate invasion.
- You don't do that.
- No.
- You don't do that.
There are so many pedophiles
out there.
- Right.
- And believe me,
I know how perverted I am.
- Just cut 'em off. That's it.
I said, no more.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Wow.
- Burn me once,
you're out of here.
- Just like that. Just...
- YEAH.
- Cut 'em out, huh?
- Sure.
- Wow. That's awesome.
You know, 'cause...
that's so funny,
'cause, like, I mean,
I don't know you that well.
But you seem... you seem so nice.
Like, it's just... - I am nice.
But don't cross me.
Cross me once,
and you're gone, Jason Nash.
- Okay, Sarah.
I... I won't...
I won't cross you.
- SHE'S NOT KIDDING.
- Okay.
J, why don't we get some
drinks out here.
Andy doesn't have anything.
What would you like?
- Water's fine.
- Water? Great.
- Oh, my God.
Andy Richter and his wife,
Sarah, are so cool.
- I know.
- Hey.
I think he really likes me.
- Okay, no.
No, please, do not ask him
to do your podcast.
- That's not what I'm saying.
I can see the little wheels
in your brain turning.
- Well, why can't I ask him
to do my podcast?
- Because you do it with Dennis,
and that guy is a moron.
He's the worst,
especially with celebrities.
What did he say to Liam Neeson?
- HE TOLD HIM HE THOUGH SCHINDLER'S LIST WAS TOO LONG.
- See? That's what I'm saying.
That's crazy.
- It is a little long.
- Oh, hey, look at you.
You are, like,
king of the dipshits.
- King of the dipshits?
- It's pretty...
- is that a reference
to me and my friends?
- Yes.
- Really?
- You are.
- Yeah?
- Look, all I'm saying...
this is my point.
Don't blow your wad
with Andy Richter
on some stupid podcast
that no one's gonna even hear.
- You know,
I sort of think you owe me,
considering...
What happened in scottsdale.
So, Andy Richter,
thank you so much
for being here for the hour.
- Thank you for having me.
It was great.
Had a good time.
- Yeah, it's good, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It was painless.
Painless. I expected more pain.
- I just want to say
I SAW NEW YORK MINUTE LAST WEEK,
AND, UH...
- Here comes the pain.
It was pretty unfunny.
I mean, well,
when I said "pretty unfunny,"
I mean, really, really unfunny.
- WHAT'S NEW YORK MINUTE?
- It's a movie I did
with the Olsen twins...
- What is it?
- A number of years ago.
- Wait. What's the movie?
- IT'S CALLED NEW YORK MINUTE.
The Olsen twins.
It was a feature film
that they did,
and I was in it.
- I guess it was
an artistic choice
to do an Olsen twins' movie.
Oh, and also the Chinese accent
you do is really offensive.
- Wait, you do
a Chinese accent in it?
- Yeah, a really offensive
Chinese accent.
- Nah, it wasn't that offensive.
- What are you doing?
What are you doing?
- It was kind of funny.
- What are you doing?
Why are you doing this?
Why... why... don't do this.
This is our guest.
- I just kind of brought it up.
- Don't be...
- why would a man your...
a man with gray in his beard
be watching
the Olsen twins' movie
just a couple of weeks ago?
- Oh, why would a man your age
be doing the Olsen twins' movie?
- Dennis.
- No questions...
why would... - just stop, okay?
Dennis, just do the...
- Is that perv?
Is that some kind of perv...
- Andy, I'm really sorry.
I'm just... just do the technical
end of the podcast.
- Anyway...
- Sorry.
- Andy, it's been a great hour.
You know,
Andy and Sarah were, Dennis,
they were up at my house
the other day.
- We had a very nice time.
- What a beautiful wife.
- Oh, thank you.
- She is...
- I hope she didn't have
a little too much to drink.
- She had a little to drink.
She's fun. She's fun.
- She gets a little crazy.
She likes her white wine.
- Yeah, she does.
- Sometimes, you know,
she gets a little feisty,
but you know,
it's got its upside too.
Sometimes it makes her
a little frisky.
- Really?
- Yeah.
So I get to... you know,
I get the benefits
of that sometimes.
The insistence.
- Like sex? She's sexual?
She's a little... gets horny?
- I maybe have been pulled into
a couple of bathrooms
here and there.
Which is really...
- Are you serious?
- At, like, a party?
- A joy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I... but...
- wait a minute. Wait a minute.
So Sarah, nice Sarah
the wonderful, charming Sarah
will go to a party...
- Yes, I'm... oh, I'm in so much
trouble for saying that.
- And pull you
into the bathroom,
and you'll have sex
in the bathroom?
- I will leave it up to your
imagination as to what we do.
- Oh. I love...
I mean, I just...
I love her so much more now.
- Well, don't love her too much.
- I thought I loved her a lot...
- Yeah.
- And now she's, like,
a ten in my book.
- Great. Okay.
- Sarah.
- Fuck!
- Fuck.
- What?
- Shit! It's gone.
Fuck!
Oh, no, no, no. Don't crash!
It crashed!
Fuck! Fuck!
Fuck! It crashed!
It's gone!
Everything we just did,
it's fuckin'...
- all right, so take it easy.
- You fuckin' take it easy!
You fuckin' take it easy!
- Right? Take it easy?
- Calm down!
- It's gone!
- Stop yelling.
- Fuck, man!
Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
- Dennis, will you stop?
- Will you calm down?
- Shit!
You don't even know
what I'm doing!
You don't even know
what "crash" means!
- Yeah, I...
- You don't even give a shit!
- I know what "crash" means.
- Neither does this
fuckin' asshole.
Jesus Christ!
It's fuckin' gone.
No fuckin' way.
FUCK!
- Is he okay?
- Oh, yeah, he... yeah.
No, he flips out
every once in a while.
- Yeah, yeah.
Uh, he might need some help.
- He's actually really good
technically.
- Okay.
Um, I wanted to ask you
before I go.
Uh, it's totally my fault.
I brought it up.
But could you please
cut out the part
where I talk about my wife
and the drinking
and the sex and the...
I should not have brought it up.
I'm sorry.
But I do not want that on
the podcast if that's possible.
- I totally understand.
Of course.
And you know what?
The whole episode is lost, so...
- Oh.
So he wasn't able to get it...
he was...
- no.
- It's gone.
- Yeah, so I don't even
have to cut anything out,
'cause nothing is...
nothing is going out.
- So this has all been a waste
of everyone's time then.
- Yeah.
- Wow. That... that is a drag.
That is a real...
- Yeah, I know.
- I... um...
- Uh...
- And I would say "let's go back
in and do it again," but...
- no, no, no, I can't. I can't.
- Yeah, of course.
No, I get it.
I get it.
- All right, well, thanks.
See you later.
- See you... see you later, Andy!
We'll talk soon.
But... we'll be able to do it
again or...
- no fuckin' way!
Fuck!
- Jason, I just don't get it.
Did you really not care
that I was with someone else?
- Um, I mean, I guess.
I guess I...
yeah, I mean, I cared.
I mean, I care about you,
but I mean,
what do you want me to do?
You want me to go over there
and start a fight with the guy?
- I don't... I don't know.
- Yeah, maybe. Sure.
- Oh, that's...
that's ridiculous.
Oh, and what... no, I want you to
do something, you know?
I just feel like your reaction...
I don't know, Jason.
Maybe there's something
wrong with you.
- Well, you know,
I'm not possessive.
I'm not a possessive person.
If you want to go be with
that guy, you go be with him.
- I don't want to...
- I know you don't.
I know you don't want to
be with him.
I know that.
But it's like, um, you know,
this is our thing,
you know what I mean?
Like, this is... remember
when we first started dating,
and, like, I didn't care?
Like, that got you
more interested in me.
Like, when you think about it...
- that's really not true, Jason.
And I don't want you to
get out of this by doing bits.
I want to have a real
conversation with you.
- Let's have it.
Let's have
an adult conversation.
Oh, God. Okay, I got to...
I have to take this.
- Jason.
Just...
- hey, Dennis, what's up?
- Hey, man, good news.
I was able to recover
that Richter episode,
and I uploaded it.
- What?
- Yeah.
A couple of sites
already picked it up,
so it's going crazy.
Must be all that stuff about him
having public sex with his wife,
which is disgusting.
- No. Dennis, no.
He wanted that stuff taken out.
You got to take the episode down
right now.
- I can't. I already put it up.
It's already out there.
I can't.
- Oh, jeez.
This is Andy Richter calling me
right now.
Take the episode down.
Hi, Andy.
- Yeah, hey, Jason.
Uh, you told me
you were gonna take that down.
- Andy, I am so sorry.
I know what I said.
And it's a funny thing with me.
Things seem to go poorly
when I'm around them.
Don't know how else to say it.
- Yeah,
Sarah wants to talk to you.
- You know what?
I don't need to talk to Sarah.
Just tell her
I'm very, very sorry.
Send her my...
- You lying piece of shit.
Sad sack asshole.
You betrayed our trust.
I told you not to cross me,
Jason Nash.
Uh-huh.
You're dead to me.
You're dead to me!
And you're dead to Andy.
Tell him he's dead to you.
He's dead to you.
- You're dead to me.
- HELLO?
Hello?
- I want a divorce.
Do you have someplace to go?
What do you care?
When you get separated,
two voices go off in your head.
The first voice goes,
"don't be a dick.
You're not as important
as you think you are."
And the second voice goes,
"fuck this.
This is not what
I wanted my life to look like."
I have a friend
who doesn't come see me anymore
because his wife is afraid
that they'll hit a deer
on the highway.
It's a totally irrational fear.
And he'll call me,
and he'll say,
"oh, man,
"j, I'd love to come down
this weekend,
"but, you know,
Megan's worried about the deer."
And he's fine with that.
He totally accepts that
as his reality.
And that's what marriage is.
It's basically what
you're willing to put up with.
- Hold on
- I was really excited
that you asked me out.
- Yeah? Why's that?
- I don't know.
I just... I feel like
I've dated so many baby men.
And you're, like, mature.
- Well...
- You know?
And I would be lying
if I didn't say how much I love
seeing your chest hair
snake out of your shirt.
- Oh.
OH, YEAH.
Hey, you like the front,
you should see the back, huh?
IT'S LIKE...
"YOU SHOULD SEE THE BACK."
- Did you think that was funny?
- That was really funny.
- You like that one?
- It's really, really,
really funny.
Look, and I'm sorry that
I was arguing with you before.
You know, I just...
I think you're being
too hard on yourself.
Like, you're a guy.
You don't want to go antiquing.
You don't want to pick out
some stupid tile bullshit.
And that's just... that's it.
- Yeah.
- I mean, honestly,
your wife sounds like a lot.
Like she was difficult.
- I don't know.
That's what it is. You know?
Your marriage
is this crazy compromise.
And, like,
one person wants Italian
and one person wants Chinese,
then they argue
for a little while,
and then they just end up
somewhere that nobody wanted.
So two people are just
sitting in a restaurant,
and they're like,
"did you want this?"
And the other person's like,
"no."
And then, like, "did you want"...
like, "no."
And that's why we have
cheesecake factory.
- You're completely wrong.
I feel sorry for you.
I mean, that... that's not
what marriage is at all.
It's not supposed to be
that hard.
Marriage is supposed to be
where two people fall in love,
and they are together.
And together,
they can accomplish
anything that
they've ever wanted.
They can... they can accomplish
their dreams.
And I'm sorry,
but it sounds like, you know,
your marriage just, like,
it's a good thing
that it didn't work out.
- You really think that?
- Yeah.
- Oh, you poor feygele.
I feel so bad for you, Jason.
I can't believe...
this is such a nightmare.
I can't believe
that this is happening.
- It's okay.
- This is a terrible thing.
- No, no, don't be upset.
- Oh, my God.
This is awful.
What about the kids? The kids.
Oh, my God.
- They'll be okay.
- Why is this happening,
feygele?
It... you're so perfect
in every way.
You're a perfect father.
You're a perfect husband.
You're such a wonderful person,
and you're so handsome.
- Do me a favor.
I want you to tell me...
tell me something negative
about myself.
I want you to tell me.
- Well,
the only thing I can think of
is, you're so smart,
and you're so fast
and your mind works so quickly
and you're so far ahead
of everybody else that,
you know, sometimes that may be
intimidating to someone.
- Right.
- They're intimidated by me.
- Yeah.
- The fact that I...
- It could be.
- The fact
that I don't have a job,
and I owe the government
$30,000.
- So listen,
while we're talking,
I have an appointment at saks,
and I have to get...
I have a new product
that I'm promoting.
It's called delectable face.
- So what do you...
do you eat it?
Is it... do you eat it?
- No, no, no.
It's... a pleasant product.
Delectable means to be pleasant
on your face.
- It's an odd name.
- One of the things
I'm gonna do today is,
I'm gonna interview people
because I need people
to work for me
to promote the product.
- I could
do something like that.
I mean, maybe
I could work for you...
do you think
I could do that or...
- yeah, you could use
your improv skills
to sell the product.
It would be great.
With your looks
and your personality
- yeah?
- And you've got comic timing.
You know what the best part
of this whole thing is, doll?
- What?
- We're gonna
get to spend time together!
Oh, I'm so excited!
- This is it, man.
This is it. This is the ticket.
- I think that's the worst name
of any product of all time.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Delectable face?
No, it's really good.
- No, it sounds like somebody's
going to eat your face.
- You got... you don't know a lot
about words, but words...
- did you even
know what that meant
before you started
working there?
- No, I had to look it up.
- Right. Yeah.
- Nash?
- Hey!
- Hey!
Oh, my gosh.
So good to see you.
How are you doing?
- Jeff Grayson.
- Yeah, uh, Jeff Grayson.
- Hey, Walter.
- How are you doing?
- Hey.
- I'm headed right over
to the Nick Swardson show.
We're just...
- you know, I'm not in
the industry, so I don't care.
- All right.
You know, I don't know if
you would be interested in this.
Would you want to
submit for the show
as a writer
or a writer/performer?
- Oh, you know what?
I'm not...
I'm not doing that anymore.
I'm out of the comedy game,
and I'm working
over at delectable face.
- Oh, is that... so it's like
food you put on your face?
- No, it's not like food.
It's... it's a different meaning
of "delectable."
Like "pleasing."
"Delectable"
also means "pleasing."
- I always think of...
delectable as, like,
a culinary connotation
or it makes me think of...
- there's a couple meanings
of "delectable,"
and you need to use
the other meaning.
It's... you know what?
It's really gonna work out.
- Okay. Well, if you...
I mean,
if you ever want to submit,
I would read anything
that you wrote.
- Thanks a lot.
That's a really nice thing
to say, and...
thank you. That means a lot.
- So good to see you.
- Yeah.
- It was nice to meet you.
- See you, Jeff.
Slap! OW!
Oh, my God.
What the hell was that for?
- What the hell was that for?
First you let some guy
sleep with your wife
and now he's offering you
a writing job?
- I'm not gonna get that job.
That job is a waste of time.
- That guy was begging you
to take the job.
- No, he wasn't.
- You got to get back
to crazy Nash.
Level-headed crazy.
That's what works, okay?
That's our friendship.
If it's just level-headed,
level-headed, it doesn't work.
- Look, I'm sorry, dude.
I didn't mean to hit you
in the face.
I get it.
Just drop me off here.
There's a bus.
- There he is.
That's Dan morrison.
- Who's that?
- That's the guy
busy cheated with.
- Wait. Dude.
Okay, man, listen.
This is not a good idea.
Okay, I know what you're doing.
I know I said
I wanted crazy Nash back,
but this is the wrong way to go,
dude.
- I'll be right back, Walter.
- No, no, no, no, no.
It's a bad idea, dude.
- Hey!
- Hey, can I help you, buddy?
- Yeah, you could tell me
how this tastes for lunch.
- Smack!
- OH!
Oh, my God. Oh.
- Are you all right?
- What the fuck, man?
Why'd you hit me?
- Stay away from my wife, Dan.
- Dan!
Dan, you got to get out here.
- I'm not Dan. I'm bill.
- Almost done with this...
- Huh?
- I'm not Dan. I'm bill.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. What did you do?
What did you do?
Are you all right, bill?
- He hit me.
He hit me.
- Oh, my God.
You got the wrong guy.
I'm Dan. This is bill.
YOU HIT THE WRONG GUY.
- What did you do this for?
- You hit...
you hit a guy with cancer.
He's got cancer.
- Really?
- Yes.
- But I...
- we've met a ton of times.
You don't recognize me?
- Really?
- Yeah, like, 20...
you came to my wedding.
- I did?
- Yes.
You came to my wedding.
- I don't remember.
- Are you that self-involved,
Jason?
Huh?
That you don't even recognize
the guy you're beating up?
- Well, listen, you guys...
I mean, you look exactly alike.
- NOT REALLY, ACTUALLY.
- NO.
- We look nothing alike.
Just 'cause we're bald?
- Shut up, Walter.
- Yeah, you could throw me in,
I mean...
- yeah, do we look alike?
- That's enough.
Okay, shut up right now.
You fooled around with my wife,
and that's unacceptable,
unacceptable to me.
I'm sorry I hit your friend
who has cancer.
- It's okay, I just lost my cool
for a second.
You know what?
I'm in remission five years.
Thank God for that.
- Five years?
I mean, you don't really
have cancer anymore, right?
Kind of... - what?
Yes, it's cancer.
- Of course it's cancer.
- Just... I live a life of fear.
- You're kind of in the clear,
though.
I mean, right?
- Not in the clear.
- No.
- You do kind of use it
as a crutch sometimes.
- All right, that's enough!
That's enough!
Okay, well, you stay away
from my wife, all right?
- You got that?
- Yes.
- Okay?
- Of course.
- Or I'll come back and hit
your friend in the face again
who may or may not have cancer.
- He has...
- I have cancer.
- Definitely,
definitely has cancer.
- Not as much anymore.
- Okay, you know what?
You just calm down, Andy, okay?
- One day, you wake up
and you realize
that life is not about
the big swings.
Life is about doing
exactly what's in front of you
at that moment.
I would get that job,
pay back the money
I owe to the government,
and then maybe
busy would take me back.
Hi, I'm Jason Nash...
- Uh, can you take a seat?
- Uh, yeah.
- Jason,
they're ready for you now.
- Oh. Okay.
- In here?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah, you can totally
do your alien voice.
- Oh, yeah, like that...
WELCOME TO THE PLANET EARTH.
HEY!
- Jeff, how you doing?
- Hey, you're here.
- This is Jason Nash, everybody.
- I'm Frank.
- Hey, what's up, man? Nick.
- Hey, Nick, nice to meet you.
- Yeah, good to meet you.
- Yeah.
Thanks so much.
- Yeah, of course.
Thanks for coming in, man.
- Uh, we loved
everything that you did.
You really nailed it.
The packet was hysterical,
so great job on that.
Nick, uh...
- Hilarious, dude. Hilarious.
Like, Jeff doesn't recommend
anybody, and he was, like,
gave me the full pitch,
and we loved it.
Yeah, really funny.
Really original.
Really psyched,
and you got the job, dude.
- Yeah.
- Congratulations.
- Congrats, man, welcome aboard.
SO GREAT.
- Welcome.
- Oh, my God.
- Congrats, man.
- Are you crying?
Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry.
I just had a really hard year.
- It's cool. Could you not cry?
Just... it's bumming me out.
- Yeah. I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
You don't have to write down
"crying."
- I didn't mean to cry.
I just...
it just means so much to me.
I'm a huge fan of yours.
And I've been...
I've been, like...
I've been watching your career
for so long.
And you're so funny.
And it's like, you know,
to have you...
to have you approve me...
It just... it just means
the fuckin' world.
Oh, Nick,
I'm so sorry I'm crying.
Jeff, I'm so sorry.
- It's okay.
- It's okay.
- It's okay, buddy.
- It's a big moment.
It's just this means so much.
You know what?
I'm just... I'm just gonna go.
Thank you.
- Oh, yeah, thanks, man.
- Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Stay, stay, stay for a second.
It's okay.
- Oh, yeah.
- It's okay.
- Yeah.
- It's okay.
- No, I shouldn't...
- We understand.
- I shouldn't leave yet.
- No.
- It's a big deal.
- Yeah.
- Take a second.
Just take a second.
There's a lot of stuff
to go over.
Do you have any questions
about how it works
or anything about the job?
- Yeah, what...
what are the hours?
- Um, we come in
about 9:00 A.M. Every day,
and we leave around,
what, 10:00 P.M., 10:30?
- Yeah.
- That's...
that's a lot of hours.
- Yeah, it's a full hour
of originally programming
every day, so...
- is that too many or...
- no.
I mean... I mean, yeah, it is.
BUT, OBVIOUSLY...
I want the job.
- I mean, it is a lot.
It's a lot for me,
you know what I mean?
It's tedious, but, you know.
- I just... I worry about it,
'cause I was really fat
as a child,
and I actually went through
a lot last year.
I lost about 30 pounds.
Yeah, and I did Nutrisystem.
So I just worry that,
you know, like, I'll...
I won't be able to go to the gym
with those hours.
He's messing with us.
- WHAT?
- He's doing the...
he's saying the most...
he's saying the most... not is it
only the most awkward thing,
it's the thing that we're also
the most sensitive about.
Oh!
It's a character.
- You've gained weight.
You gained weight.
So he's making everybody...
- I'm messing with you guys!
Yeah.
I was messing with you guys.
- That is a bit.
Which is... - awkward guy.
- Awkward.
- Awkward?
- The most... not...
the most awkward.
- Love the show.
I can't wait
to start working on it.
- Cool, man.
- Is this you right here?
- This is me.
- This is great.
- Yeah.
- Great part of town.
- I love it.
- Yeah.
Really nice.
- Thanks.
- It was really fun.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I had a really good time.
- Me too.
- Good.
So we should do it again.
- Well, did you want to come in?
- Uh...
Yeah, I don't know.
- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah, good.
- I'll COME IN, I GUESS.
- Come in.
- Come on.
- I'll check it out.
Hey! Great news.
- Jason,
what are you doing here?
I thought we agreed
that you were gonna call
before you came over.
You can't just walk in
like this.
- I know. I know.
I wanted to come over in person
and tell you something.
- This is just... hi.
- You... j, you remember Chris,
right?
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How you doing?
- Good.
- I thought you guys weren't
working together anymore.
- Yeah, no, we're not.
- No.
No, I wanted to come
check out the tile...
Again.
- Oh.
- It's so...
it's... your tile...
I'm redoing my bathroom.
And I wanted to see
a bunch of tile.
- Yeah.
Came over to check out the tile.
- Yeah, it was...
I needed another look.
It's really great.
- Jason,
what'd you want to tell me?
- Oh, um...
I just came from the interview.
I got the job.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Well, congratulations.
That's really good for you.
We're kind of
in the middle of this,
so maybe I can just
call you later?
All right?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.
- All right.
- Um...
So I'll just...
I'll call you on the cell?
- No, I'll call you...
j, I'll call you later.
- I am my mother's only one
It's enough
I wear my garment
so it shows
Now you know
ooh-ooh
Only love is all maroon
- Oh, wow. This is great.
- Rose is okay.
- We have a connection.
- She's the moon
I am my mother on the wall
With us all
I move in water
- you know what?
Actually, I have... let me just
throw some toothpaste
in my mouth,
'cause I don't know...
I don't know
what's going on
with after dinner right...
just real quick. I'm so sorry.
Just give me one second.
- Only love is all maroon
Lapping lakes
like leery loons
Ooh-ooh-ooh
sky is womb
and she's the moon
Ooh
Only love is all maroon
lapping lakes
like leery loons
Ooh-ooh
sky is womb
and she's the moon
Ah-ah-ah
So that's it.
I still live alone.
I still see my kids
almost every day.
I still love her.
And I can make a grand gesture
and go to the drugstore and
buy some magazines
and cut out little pictures
of all the things
that she loves...
Show her
that I can participate...
And tape them all into a book...
Take it down to her work.
Hey.
Is, uh... Is busy around?
- Okay, they're having a really
hard time there right now.
They're in crisis mode.
So if you want to just
leave that thing with me,
I'll make sure she sees it.
She needs to see that.
- Mm-hmm.
- So you make sure
that she gets that.
- Okay, have a great day.
Thanks for stopping by.
And she would know,
in that moment,
that I loved her more than
anything in the world.
- I need to bring you
back into
- The only thing
I ever really wanted
was to take care of her.
And I'm sorry if it's too late.
And she would run.
- Oh, my God.
Jason!
Jason!
You did the book.
- You did my book.
- Yeah.
- You did my book.
Thank you.
- I could do all those things...
But it's not that simple.
- If you are serious
I'll be serious too
I'll rip your heart out
like you want me to
I am serious
are you serious?
I'll kiss your mouth
and you'll be better for it
If you are serious
I'll be serious too
I'll rip your heart out
like you want me to
Why are you laughing?
This is serious
I can love you
like I want to
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
ooh-ooh
go!
If you are serious
I'll be serious too
I'll rip your heart out
like you want me to