Would it kill you
to call me Mom?
Just once?
Would it?
Everyone calls you Patricia.
But you're not everyone,
you're my son.
And you're my Patricia.
Everyone thinks that I have
a photographic memory.
But that's not really accurate.
I'm more like
a video camera.
I record what I see,
and, for reasons beyond me,
I always remember.
Frankly, I've always found
photographs depressing,
especially the old ones.
That's my mother, Patricia.
The product of
an unplanned pregnancy.
Patricia was the only girl in
a family of four boys.
Five, counting
my Grandpa Stan.
My grandmother was pregnant
for 72 months.
- Ow!
- Or six years.
Just about 1/6th
of her entire life.
Uncle Billy was the first born
of six sons.
Tim and Tom
came next, then Jimmy,
followed by two baby boys
who died in the uterus.
And finally, Patricia...
who, by all accounts,
had a very happy childhood.
Cheese!
- Cheese!
- Cheese!
Until her tenth birthday.
J' For she's
a jolly good fellow J'
J' For she's a jolly
good fellow J'
J' For she's
a jolly good fellow J'
J' Which nobody can deny M
Happy birthday,
Patricia.
- The candles aren't lit.
- Oh.
Stan.
Stan!
Hand me your lighter.
What lighter?
Oh...
You mean... this lighter.
Boys, if it wasn't
for this lighter...
I'd have been shot straight
through the heart
by one of them pinko, Commie,
socialist, Karl Marx-loving,
liberal wack jobs,
subversive moon bat,
hippie freaks.
Uh-huh.
But if he
thought he could kill
Stan "The Man" Herman...
Kapow, kapow, kapow!
Both: Faggot.
Now, one of you boys
gets this when I die,
so be careful with it.
You got something to
say, Billy?
I'm too high to bother with
the likes of you, Stanley.
You son of a--
Give me the goddamn
lighter, now.
Uh, Mommy?
Oh.
Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Oh...
It's almost out.
I'll save ya!
- Stop, drop and roll!
- Jesus H. Christ!
Stop, drop and roll,
stop, drop and roll,
stop, drop and roll,
stop, drop and roll!
My grandmother's death
was only the beginning.
Woo!
I said I'm Starsky,
you're Hutch.
Fine, have it your way.
Starsky's
a total homo anyway.
You calling me queer?
What if I am...
Starsky?
Take it back, take it back!
- I ain't homo!
- Okay, okay, I take it back!
You ain't homo!
Put down the gun, Tim.
Jesus H. Christ!
You didn't really think I'd
shoot my own brother, did you?
Ahh!
Uncle Jimmy died of AIDS.
How he got it,
no one talks about,
which, to me,
makes it even sadder.
Since no one ever
talks about him,
it's like
Uncle Jimmy was never born.
Happy birthday, Billy.
( Horn honking )
Going somewhere?
I'm going up
Canada way.
Canada?
What for?
I'm 18 now.
I don't got a choice.
Yes, you do, stay here.
If I stay here
they'll ship me off to 'Nam
or they'll lock me up in jail.
Either way you look at it,
I gotta go.
But I can't take care
of Stan, not all by myself.
I'm only ten years old.
( Horn honking )
You're gonna do
great, Patty.
I know you are.
Are you stoned?
Stay here with me.
Please, Billy, please!
I... I can't.
My name's not Patty,
it's Patricia.
And you're a coward,
William Herman.
You must be the change you
wish to see in this world.
E-R-A!
I proudly accept
your nomination
for vice president
of the United States.
Anita Hill!
Keep your rosaries
off my ovaries!
Keep your rosaries
off my ovaries!
Mommy!
Mommy!
Mommy!
Mom, Mom, Mom!
( screaming )
Mommy?
Happy birthday, Patricia.
Why is that
woman crying, Mommy?
Because God is punishing her for
being Satan's helper, honey.
Baby killers!
Baby killer!
Jesus H. Christ!
( Baby crying )
Congratulations.
It's a boy.
It's a what?
A beautiful,
healthy baby... boy.
But-- but--
but that's impossible!
All the sonograms
said it was a girl!
I wallpapered her room pink
because it's supposed to be
a girl!
A beautiful,
healthy baby-
Henrietta.
So beautiful.
- Hello.
- Hello.
So, guys, um...
I'm feeding my grandson
the other day, you know?
Henry.
He's like nine months old.
These carrots are...
mmm...
delicious!
Tastes like shit!
The kid says...
That was funny,
do it again.
I'm not shitting ya.
The kid at nine months old
is speaking.
Wait 'til I tell the boys.
My grandson's
a freak genius!
No, no, no, no, no, Stan.
You do not say a word
about this to anyone.
- Stan... Stan...
- I swear, I swear, I swear.
You know, the kid's not
just smart.
You can tell,
he's got a good heart.
What's a freak, Patricia?
A freak is...
someone who's
very special.
Henry, honey.
It makes me feel lucky.
Stop pointing at him.
Aw...
I didn't say
nothing to no one.
Then what is this?
Now that there is
one photogenic kid.
I don't want Henry
to see any of this.
This... this... trash.
I don't want him to know
anything about it.
You got it.
Now let's go home.
I can't...
take care of you
anymore.
I won't.
Patricia.
I'm a grown man who can
take care of himself!
You're a grown man who's never
cooked a meal for himself
in his entire life!
Or washed any of his own
underwear
or raised any of his four sons
or made the necessary
arrangements to
bury three of them!
( Crying )
Oh...
Now don't you cry,
Henry, my boy.
Uh...
Your mother's right.
Your Grandpa Stan
being here...
Me being here
is best for all of us.
YUP-
Best for...
Gotta go, Geronimo!
What?
Ahh!
I'm okay.
"Y- ".
"Y- ".
"Y- ".
"Y- ".
"Y- ".
"Y- ".
"Y- ".
"Y- ".
Now, who can tell me
one word
that begins
with the letter "Y"?
Henry.
Why?
No, no, "Y" is a letter,
not a word.
- You're stupid.
- Freak.
I mean, "why" as in W-H-Y
are we here learning this crap?
Why?
They suspended you
from kindergarten?
When can I go back to school?
You are not going back
to that institution.
You're gonna
go to a real school.
One that nurtures, rather than
punishes the precocious!
One that encourages its
students to pursue the truth!
( Bell tolling )
Now...
whose father hasn't
had an opportunity
to address the class, hmm?
How about you, Henry?
My father sends his sincere
apologies, Sister Hathaway,
but he's currently
away saving the world.
So, in his absence,
I present to you--
Oh, my God.
Who is it?
Wonder Woman?
Must be the Invisible Man
'cause we all know you ain't
got no daddy.
All: Ooh...
Well...
at least I'm not adopted,
Malcolm.
Who says I was adopted?!
Unless your father suffers
from vitiligo universalis...
I do.
Vitig...
What?
The Michael Jackson disease.
I am not adopted.
Am I, Daddy?
Look in the mirror, kid.
You're black.
Who made Black History Month
the month of February?
The shortest
month of the year?
The white devil.
That's right, son.
The lying white devil!
You got a problem
with that?
I'm not saying all you
people look alike--
Who-- who all?
Me all?
Oh, you're talking
about my people?
You got something you
wanna say about my people?
Don't I know you?
I do not associate with
the filthy flesh of swine, pig!
Fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight,
fight, fight, fight, fight...
It's about Rodney--
Rodney King!
Rodney King, Rodney King!
Rodney King!
"Open your eyes, people,
"for you have been blinded from
the truth long enough.
"There is no Easter Bunny,
"no Tooth Fairy...
"no Santa Claus.
There is no devil."
And there is no God?
No!
They're lies!
Lies that exist because
man has fooled himself
into believing
that he can see the truth!
"When in reality,
man cannot see
that the hand
before his face is his own."
You don't believe in God?
I have my doubts.
Then why are you here?
Why are any of
us here?
What is
the purpose of our being?
I'm talking about here,
at this Catholic school.
Ms. Herman, surely you don't
condone your son's beliefs?
I believe my son is capable
of drawing his own conclusions.
You work in a cafeteria,
do you not?
I manage
a dormitory dining hall,
at the university,
not that I can see
how that's at all relevant.
Then tell me, Ms. Herman,
how would you feel if your
son's misplaced, misguided
heretic beliefs caused a riot
in your dining hall?
There is too a God,
you freak!
"A" pluses across the board.
And that man wants either
a public apology
or an expulsion?
Is that even a choice?
We choose expulsion.
We choose to
fight against the tyranny.
We choose to fight
against it.
Who's my father, Patricia?
Who's my father?
Who your father is
isn't important.
You have me,
a mother who loves you
more than life itself.
But everyone else has a father.
Why do you want to
be like everyone else?
You're not like
everyone else.
- You're very special.
- You mean I'm a freak.
- You're not a freak.
- You said so yourself.
A freak is someone who's
very special.
I don't remember saying that.
I do, I remember.
I remember everything.
And that is an amazing gift.
You are an amazing young man
blessed with an amazing gift.
Or cursed.
Happy birthday,
Henry, honey.
This is from Grandpa Stan.
Ahh!
Damn it!
Where you going,
Henry, honey?
Stan's.
That's a great idea, let's all
go celebrate together.
Shall we?
Buenas tardes, Enfermera Bruna.
In Brazil. we speak Portuguese,
not Spanish, idiot.
In the US of
we speak English,
mi gatita atractiva.
I gave her an eight.
I never knew you
spoke Spanish.
Well, there's a lot
you don't know about me.
Then again, there's a lot you
don't know about you.
Since when did you
start speaking Spanish?
Everyone that works here is
from south of the border.
Being here as long as I have,
you get used to
the lingo.
Besides, they like it
when you talk Mexican to them.
I get my money back if this
don't work, right?
Stan.
Stan.
Thank you, Stan.
I appreciate you not
pressing charges, Stewart.
Didn't mean to make you look bad
in front of your kid.
But I knew
I knew you.
You know that...
would barely be noticeable
if you were really black.
I am really black.
This ain't
gonna bounce, is it?
You have my word, it's good.
White devil's forked tongue
is a lying tongue.
Gotta go, Geronimo.
What, what,
where you going?
We're "negoci-tating."
I'm gonna see what
I can find out for you.
If the check clears.
But if I do happen to
found somehow,
I didn't
find it out... you dig?
I do dig.
Lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo,
- lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo...
- Hey, lesbo.
lesbo, lesbo, lesbo, lesbo,
lesbo, lesbo, lesbo...
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you!
I... hate... you!
There are many people
who believe
that what you
did to your daughter
constitutes child abuse.
I've tried to raise
my daughter
free from gender bias,
free from the...
...stereotypes
that dehumanize people.
Would you like a tissue,
Dr. O'Hara?
No, no.
No-- yes.
Is that it,
is that all of them?
Encontraste.
Encontraste.
Encontrar.
Aste, aste.
Tu.
You.
You found.
May I have that book?
You found my...
Jesus H. Christ.
May I have that book?
I'm done.
You've really read
this whole thing?
I can record what I see
or read.
And I always remember.
Always?
The parental-manipulation
theory.
Posits that by selecting either
heterosexual
or homosexual practices
as the acceptable norm,
parents can promote to their
offspring
a specific
passage of sexuality.
Page two, second paragraph.
"Among other disorders,
the test subject
suffers from..."
"An acute sense of unexplained
dinophobia.
A fear of dizziness that often
results in nausea and vomiting."
Page 142--
- Paragraph four.
- Third paragraph.
The paragraph
at the top of page 142
is carried over from
the previous page.
Slavkin O'Hara.
Henry James Herman.
What are you doing?
Can you help me take out
the trash, Henry?
Here we are.
Home sweet home.
Henry?
Is your daughter home?
Uh...
Audrey's... in school.
Speaking of which,
shouldn't you be
in school as well?
I got expelled.
Expelled?
For what?
Heresy.
If a bullet is fired straight up
into the sky,
it will slow down, stop,
then fall to
earth again--
accelerating until it reaches
a point
where its weight equals
the resistance of the air.
Brian.
I didn't do nothing.
Get your butt to
the principal's office.
Immediately!
What's the problem
with you people?
Oh, really?
And what might be that problem
be with my people?
Unlike where
you come from, Ms. Abda.
I was born here, Brian.
Real Americans believe in
innocence until proven guilty
and you have no proof that
I did anything wrong.
- Audrey?
- Yes, Ms. Abda?
( coughing )
Lesbo.
I am not a lesbo!
Are you okay?
Today's no worse than the living
hell that is my daily existence.
Fire.
Fire, I need fire.
Feel better now,
Dr. O'Hara?
No.
Not really.
Why were you
a sperm donor?
Excuse me?
You wrote in your book
that you donated sperm.
Why?
I didn't know
what else to do with it?
So I checked off the box.
It was a precautionary
measure.
A precaution against what?
I have testicular cancer?
Yes.
Cancer of the...
testicles.
Tell me, Dr. O'Hara.
Do you and...
Alice plan on having
any more children?
Yes, Mrs. O'Hara
and I certainly do.
Then may I suggest you seriously
consider sperm banking.
Sperm banking?
I myself am
a sperm donor.
Did you have testicular cancer?
Thank God, no.
No, no, no.
Some people donate blood,
I donate semens.
Why?
Not?
These are release form.
Pretty standard stuff
really, no biggie.
Now should your
fertility be unaffected
by the chemotherapy,
then all of your sperms shall be
properly disposed of.
Unless...
Unless?
You consent to have it donated
by checking off that box.
Little box at the bottom.
Little teeny box.
The process is
completely anonymous
and you will be monetarily
compensated.
Money's not the issue.
Then consider it a means of
fulfilling
your biological imperative.
I can only imagine
the profound love
pouring out of a mother's heart
when she first embraces
her newborn child.
A JOY that you...
you have made possible.
Alice.
I know, I know, Gunter,
I know, I'm late.
It's been almost an hour.
Honey?
You look positively
radiant.
You are too kind, Gunter.
Now then.
What's all this about?
You...
you didn't start
without me, did you?
God, Slavkin, I left work
early to be here.
That is so like you
to be totally selfish.
I took your last name.
- Remember?
- Alice Stravinowsky?
What would people think?
That we're married.
Well.
I may have lost my wife
to my oncologist,
but my fish can still swim.
At least I still
have my health.
Which is a lot more than I can
say for Dr. Flowers.
What happened to Dr. Flowers?
The Bulls won a championship.
And the Bulls win
the championship.
Chicago is going crazy tonight.
Hundreds have been arrested
as fireworks
and random gunfire
explode throughout the city.
Gunter!
Gunter!
Don't pretend like you don't
hear me, Gunter!
Yes, honey.
Yes, Henry?
Huh?
You look like you have
something you want to say.
Oh, it's-- it's nothing.
So, now that you find yourself
to be a man without
a school...
what are your plans?
My plans?
To continue your education.
Patricia and I haven't
really talked about that.
Who's Patricia?
My mother.
You call your mother
by her first name?
What does Audrey call you?
My daughter
calls me names.
Bad ones mostly.
Always actually.
Local news covering
the greater Chicago-land area.
The Windy City is about to get
a whole lot windier
as the city braces itself-
I want to go to college.
Stay tuned for "Storm Watch,"
every hour, with our mega...
Children your age
don't go to college.
When you were ten, you took
care of the entire family.
I didn't have a choice.
But I do, Patricia.
Okay, listen to me,
Henry, honey.
I see what happens to
boys and girls twice your age
who leave home and go off
to college.
Credit card debt.
Credit card debt
is the root of all evil.
But I don't want to
go away to college.
I want to stay right here at
home and go to the university.
Do you have a better plan
for my future?
Patricia.
Patricia.
You're smothering me,
Patricia.
I know I am, I know.
It's what mothers do.
Just promise me you won't
grow up too fast, okay?
You'll only break
your mother's heart.
I promise.
So...
anything else
you want to tell me?
Anything at all?
As a rule, Patricia, the Spanish
"H" is always silent.
Fill all
corresponding bubbles...
completely.
Erase all stray marks...
completely.
You have 30 minutes...
to answer 30 questions
completely.
Are there any questions?
You may begin.
May I help you?
Not with...
Impossible.
Come back
when you really are done.
I'm done.
The university usually
frowns upon
admitting students
so young in age.
However, given Henry's
unprecedented test scores,
we're willing to offer a full
academic scholarship
with an annual
stipend of 12,000,
all terms nonnegotiable.
Let me be perfectly clear,
President Sullivan.
Without my consent,
Henry doesn't go to college.
My son is not
for sale.
- 50.
- 80.
- 60.
- 75,000 a year
for the length of
Henry's matriculation.
Nonnegotiable.
It's a deal, Ms. Herman.
Henry's stipend must be invested
in the following manner.
I suggest you
write this down.
Proceed.
With Henry
as sole beneficiary,
invested
in blue chip mutual funds.
The remaining 50%
in US Treasury notes.
On his 18th birthday,
Henry alone will be entitled
to the entirety of
both accounts.
Do we have a deal?
Uncle.
We can leave now,
Henry, honey.
Henry?
Honey?
Henry?
Henry!
Henry!
Henry!
Henry!
Don't walk away from me while
I'm talking to you.
Henry.
Henry James Herman,
you stop right there!
Did you beat him?
Did you out-negotiate
President Sullivan?
Yes, I did.
Well, congratulations,
Patricia.
I don't
appreciate your sarcasm.
I don't appreciate being used.
I don't want a stipend,
I don't need the money.
Not right now you don't,
but you'll thank me
when you turn 18.
I did this for you,
Henry, honey.
You did it
for yourself, Patricia!
How dare you raise your voice
at me-- I am your mother.
Without me, your genius butt
wouldn't be alive.
Well, if I am a genius,
I can assure you I didn't
inherit my genius gene
from you, now, did I?
Well, if not me,
then who?
Him.
- Him?
- Me?
Egg, meet Sperm.
Sperm, my mother.
Patricia Herman.
Dr. O'Hara just happens to be
my biological father.
- You?
- Me?
Oh, my God.
I think I'm gonna...
I'm sorry, Henry, could you
repeat what you just said?
The part where I said that
you're my biological father?
Yeah, that's it.
That's what
I thought you said.
I'm your father.
How so exactly?
I'm a test-tube baby.
Oh.
Oh...
- Oh, no.
- What's wrong?
Just imagining Audrey's reaction
to the news.
Well, you're
taking it rather well.
Oh, I'd probably faint too if
I wasn't so heavily medicated.
After our book-burning incident,
my psychiatrist
upped my dosage.
Now I don't
feel much of anything.
( Bell ringing )
Lesbo, lesbO, lesbO, lesbo,
lesbo, lesbo, lesbo...
( horn honking )
( screaming )
I'll be right back.
I'd like to Audrey myself,
if you don't mind.
Oh, I don't
think that's such a...
Audrey?
Yeah, that's me.
Who are you?
You're not alone, Audrey.
Not anymore.
Lesbo.
I'm your half...
Brother.
Ew!
Who is that kissing my Henry?
That would be my
Audrey.
I tried telling you.
But then you kissed me!
I can't hear you, I can't
hear you, I can't hear you.
I've never been kissed before by
a woman who wasn't Patricia.
She doesn't use
her tongue like you do.
Oh, I'm so gonna puke.
Hey, Who's hungry'?
Anyone?
Anyone?
I'm starving.
I've never been
here before.
That's because
the faculty club's off-limits
to people like us.
You mean poor people.
I mean proletariat.
President Sullivan did
rename it the Libertarian Club
in an attempt to make it
more inclusive.
Now anyone can come here?
- No.
- No.
Well, then, why did he bother
changing the name?
Why did Kentucky Fried Chicken
change its name to KFC?
Did they suddenly
stop frying their chicken?
No.
They most certainly did not.
In their defense, they did add
baked chicken to their menu.
It was grilled.
If it wasn't for
this university,
then this entire area would be
an economic wasteland.
Would it not?
And that justifies this
university's
refusal to pay its
workers a decent living wage?
Well, I'm just playing
devil's advocate, Ms. Herman.
How can you play
the devil's advocate
when you are the devil,
Dr. O'Hara?
What?
My daughter
hates you, Henry.
But don't be offended.
Audrey hates everyone.
What a terrible thing to say
about your daughter.
You did just say that
I was the devil, did you not?
It's true.
I do hate everyone.
Everyone but babbling babies
and retards
soaked in their own drool.
I believe the clinical term
is intellectually disabled.
So it's better to be disabled
than retarded.
To the intellectually
disabled, yes, it is better.
I'm so out of here.
Sit down, Audrey.
Am I the only one here who's not
in, like, total denial?
Totally messed up?
Open your eyes, people!
For you've been blinded by
the truth long enough.
What did you say?
- Nothing.
- Whatever.
Audrey's right.
- This is an awkward situation.
- You think?
When my Grandpa Stan told me--
Don't you dare mention that
man's name ever again.
He is dead to me now.
Dead.
When my grandfather told me that
he'd found my half-sister,
we both assumed
that she was just like me.
A test-tube baby.
It was a petri dish.
But then when Dr. O'Hara told me
that Audrey
was already conceived before
he was diagnosed with cancer-
You had cancer?
It was a long time ago.
You never told me
you had cancer.
I've been
cancer-free for over a decade.
But it could still
come back, right?
I'm sorry to disappoint you yet
again, Audrey,
but I hope not.
- You're not a test-tube baby.
- It was a petri dish!
You are my half-sister.
One-half of our genes are
identical,
and since we have
different mothers,
our common genes could have only
come from one source.
Unless...
Unless what?
No matter what happens,
Audrey,
you will always be my daughter,
just as I will
always be your father.
No matter what.
If you've got something to say,
then just say it, Dad.
There's a chance,
a very slim chance,
infinitesimal really, when you
come to think of it,
that you may...
Well, that you
may not be my daughter,
biologically speaking.
You look positively
radiant.
You are too kind, Gunter.
Since when?
Since you were born.
I mean since when did you
realize
that you may not be my father?
Uh...
Since before
you were born.
You were never
gonna tell me.
Were you?
Infinitesimal, remember?
If I'm not your daughter,
then who's my father?
I'm your father.
I am.
Maybe.
Audrey.
Audrey, honey.
Look at the bright side.
I am looking
at the bright side.
The chance that you
may not be my father.
However infinitesimal
that may be.
Sorry.
I'm not the one you should be
apologizing to.
I know who you are.
I read your book.
I tried to
raise my daughter
free from gender bias,
free from stereotypes
that dehumanize people.
How do you sleep at night?
Ambien.
You got no idea how much
trouble you caused me, do you?
You know, you're the reason my
son thinks he's adopted.
What is it
with you, home wrecker?
His son is adopted.
So what if he is?
Does that somehow make me
any less of a father?
- Yes.
- No.
Come here.
Come here, white devil,
you come here.
I know I wasn't
born black, okay?
I know that.
But I know
that I am black.
Here.
I'm black right here.
And that's the same way that
I know that Malcolm is my son.
Do you understand
what I'm saying?
I know that it must totally
suck to be a black man nurse
trapped in a white man's body,
but the white devil and I have
our own paternity problems
to deal with.
I need my
stepfather's sperm.
The what, with the...
No, look, whatever weirdness
y'all got going on,
I don't know
and I don't want to know.
I need to find out
if Gunter Flowers
is my biological father.
Me too.
No one cares about you,
home wrecker.
I got an idea.
Why don't you two
just go and ask him?
- Because he's dead.
- Because he's dead.
He's dead?
- Dead.
- Dead.
And the Bulls win
the championship.
Gunter!
Don't pretend like
you don't hear me, Gunter.
Yes, honey.
The trash isn't
going to take out itself.
As fireworks
and rare gunfire
explode throughout the city.
Yes, I am completely aware
that trash
is an inanimate object.
Gunter!
Gunter!
Gunter!
Gunter!
Gentle Jesus,
please make it stop.
Gunter!
For the love of God,
Alice!
Will you just shut it up?!
If a bullet is fired straight up
into the sky,
it will slow down,
Well, if y'all wanna find out
who your daddy is,
I suggest you get tested,
'cause as decreed by
the Supreme Court,
ain't nothing I can do for you
without your dead
step daddys permission.
I see my work here
is done.
Y'all have a good night.
If this hurts, I will--
Faint.
I think it's
a blood-sugar thing.
So...
Prick me
and get it over with.
This totally sucks.
As if my life isn't
miserable enough.
It turns out that my real dad
may be my dead step-dad.
I'm your real dad.
Maybe.
If my step-dad is my real dad,
that makes him
your real dad as well.
Which makes you my half-brother.
But the problem is,
we don't know
who our real dad is, do we?
It's called process of
elimination.
It's called
a rhetorical question.
We just have to wait for
the test results.
What are we
supposed to do until then?
We could exhume Dr. Flower's
body and perform an autopsy.
Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's get some
shovels and start digging.
I didn't do nothing.
"I didn't do nothing"
is a double negative.
Which means you did
do something, idiot.
Prove it, lesbo.
Hey, hey, hey. hey!
Ms. Abda, Ms. Abda,
Ms. Abda!
Do you have
a question, Brian?
No?
Then let's move on, shall we?
Ms. Abda?
Yes, Audrey?
May I go to the restroom?
It's an emergency.
The period's almost over.
Not for me, it isn't.
Oh?
Go.
I should
so kick your ass.
You have every right to be
mad at me.
Oh, yeah?
I'm sorry for
the trouble I've caused you.
- You're weak.
- I'm ten.
Aren't you supposed to be in
college or something?
Aren't you
supposed to be in school?
I can't stand it when people
answer a question
with a question.
Then, yes,
I'm supposed to be in college.
Then what are you doing here?
I wanted to know
if you're okay.
Let's get one thing straight.
I will never,
ever be okay.
Okay?
I'm permanently damaged.
A freak,
just like you.
Don't sweat it.
I think being a freak's
kinda cool.
Yeah?
Better than being a sheep
like all the rest of them.
Why would anyone want to be
just like everyone?
What's in your hair?
It's nothing.
Every ditch school before?
No.
Where are you going?
Anger-obics.
Holy "Beautiful Mind."
Unlike Henry,
my memory is, uh...
very average.
I have to write down my thoughts
in order to remember them.
On Post-it notes.
Well, you can stick them
just about everywhere
and they
stay stuck until you...
move them.
Have you heard about that
Post-it note
that survived
Hurricane Hugo?
Knocked out eight oak trees
in a man's front yard,
but the Post-it note
stuck on his front door
withstood the storm.
What did
the Post-it note note?
I don't know that it
noted anything.
The point is
that it stayed stuck.
Well, what's the point of
posting a blank Post-it note?
I never said it was blank.
Did it say "please knock"
or "no solicitations" or...
Manifesto on
the nature of truth?
Results indicate
test subject's IQ 310.
Test subject?
Well, I... Henry has
the second-highest
IQ ever recorded.
My Henry is not a test subject!
Please,
sit down, Ms. Herman.
- Please.
- Jesus H. Christ.
I brought you here to
prove to you
that I have nothing,
- nothing to hide.
- How?
By shoving your
notes in my face?
Notes you intend to use to write
a book about my son?
The test subject!
Yes!
No, no, no.
No-- yes!
My original intention was to
write a book about Henry,
but that was
before yesterday.
- Before I found out the truth.
- The truth?
The truth that
Henry may be my son.
Henry is my son.
I'm his mother!
And as for you,
you're nothing but a test tube
filled with sperm!
If someone other than you had
written that book about Audrey,
what would you do?
I know exactly
what I'd do.
If you ever change your mind
and write
a book about my Henry...
I will hunt you down
and I will kill you.
It was a petri dish.
You were the test tube,
I was the petri dish!
Stop calling me, Stan!
Now is not
a good time-
I've never been to
an amusement park before.
Let's go on a ride.
I don't do rides.
Exposure therapy
is the best way to get over
an acute sense of dinophobia.
I'm not scared of
being dizzy.
That's not what
I read in your dad's book.
Whoa.
There's nobody here.
We ditched school,
remember, genius?
Let's go on a ride!
Jesus H. Christ.
What does the "H"
in "Jesus H. Christ"
stand for anyway?
I don't know, "holy," maybe?
Your guess is
as good as mine.
- I thought you knew everything.
- I remember everything.
Everything?
Everything I've ever seen.
- Since when?
- Since I was born.
Ew.
( Screaming )
That was awesome.
(bell dinging)
( screaming )
Sit down.
( Screaming )
Woo-hoo!
Yes!
That's me.
I own this game.
This is anger-obics?
What did you expect,
Tae Bo?
Amusement parks, I get,
but I can't believe you've never
played an arcade game before.
Patricia
believes in video games
are the reason over 4 million
children take Ritalin.
Hello, I said
shoulder width apart.
Right foot slightly in front of
your left hand.
Your other left.
More, more.
Stop.
Now keep your left elbow
straight.
You ready?
See it.
Shoot it.
You suck.
Watch and learn
from a master marks-woman.
See it.
Shoot it.
How many did I kill?
Everyone.
You killed everyone.
Well, I noticed the bad guys
are programmed according
to a pretty simple
recursive equation
that determines their
appearance on the screen.
Do you want to know the equation
so you can finish the game too?
What can we get
for 10,000 tickets?
buy much.
That's funny.
Go on, take it.
It's yours.
What do you say?
Thank you.
You're welcome.
That was nice of you.
Tell anybody
and I will kill you.
Got it.
You have to look at things
in the long-term.
In the short-term,
my life totally sucks.
But it'll all blow over.
Oprah or no Oprah,
they'll all forget that
stupid book ever existed.
Just look at Jonathan Franzen.
Who?
My point exactly.
Besides, all the cash my dad's
making from the book
is going into a trust fund.
When I turn 18,
I'm gonna be rich.
Me.
Not you.
Not we.
Me.
But I don't
want any of your money.
Yeah, right.
I don't.
When I turn 18,
I'll have my own money.
- You wanna bet?
- On what?
I'll bet you that you that my
dad's not our dad.
So I'm betting
that your dad is my dad?
You're a genius?
Really?
I never said
I was a genius.
And I never said
I'm a lesbo.
Bet.
I can't wait for you to meet my
Grandpa Stan.
You know, if it wasn't for him,
we would have never met.
I can wait to thank him.
Places like this depress me.
Why?
Is this it?
Is this where we end up?
Surrounded by old people who
reek of mothballs and menthol?
All of us just waiting to die?
Not my Grandpa Stan.
He reeks of
cigarettes and whiskey.
Cool.
Hey, everyone.
Where's Stan?
Nurse Bruna?
Where's my grandfather?
Stan?
Stan?
Stan!
Stan!
Henry, honey.
Patricia... where's Stan?
Come here, honey.
Please, Henry.
Please.
Where's Grandpa Stan?
I'm sorry, Henry, honey.
I'm so sorry.
Where is he, Mom?
Where is he?
Why aren't you in school?
( Thundering )
the course of this university's
illustrious history.
But never once has a tenured
faculty member
appeared on Oprah.
Oh, any publicity
is good publicity.
I'm sure things will go much
better next time
you're on Oprah.
Peddling your new book.
There isn't going to be
another book, Charles.
With all the funding
being poured into your work?
Henry... isn't my work.
No?
Then what is he?
- He's--
- He's here
because you
wanted him to be here.
He's here because we're paying
him a lot of money to be here.
He's here because of you.
You're right, Charles.
Henry is here...
because of me.
I understand that now.
Thank you, Charles.
Oh, please, Slavkin.
There's no need to
thank me.
My job is to manage.
Your job is to
publish.
Or perish.
Well, then you're just gonna
have to fire me, Charles.
Oh, wait a minute.
That's right,
you can't fire me.
I have tenure.
Am I going to
beat the odds?
Henry?
The transition from
prodigy to adult
is an extremely difficult one.
Only one in a 100 prodigies
succeed in becoming happy,
well-adjusted adults.
of research.
Surely, you must have
arrived to some conclusion.
Am I gonna be that
one in a hundred?
You are a very...
special person.
I know what that means.
Someone of your...
extraordinary intellect
comes along...
maybe once in
a century, if at all.
I don't want to be
extraordinary.
But extraordinary
is exactly what you are.
I don't want to be the test
subject of your next book!
You're not, Henry,
you know?
I promise you,
despite what you see,
you're not.
All my eyes can see
is all I know.
I'm not writing
a book about you.
I thought I was,
but I'm not,
so you can
forget about all of this.
All of what you see.
I can't forget.
This arrived in the mail.
It's addressed to me,
but made out to you.
Thought you might be
interested in the results.
Where you going?
To help my mom
plan a funeral.
Ahh!
Ahh!
( Crying )
Billy?
Who is he?
I think he's my uncle.
Are you my Uncle Billy?
If you're my nephew.
This used to be my room.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.
Four walls
and some left-over beads.
It's been 35 years.
Why didn't you come back
when President Carter granted
amnesty to the draft dodgers?
Back in '77?
Well, I guess I thought
I'd have time
to make amends.
Guess that was wrong.
You think?
Stan wanted you
to have this.
Is that a fact?
He told me so himself.
He wanted to pass it down to
one of his sons.
You're his grandson.
So you keep that.
The Vietnam War was one that
I, William Herman, opposed.
Due to my moral principles.
I do, however, sincerely
regret that in my absence
that I've missed a great
many things.
I have missed being a brother to
my brothers,
who have all since perished.
I have missed
being a friend
to the strongest person
I've ever known...
my sister.
I've missed
being Uncle Billy to...
He's a remarkable young man.
But I missed most of all...
being a son.
Of all my regrets,
my single greatest is knowing
that I'll never have the
opportunity to tell my father
how much I miss him.
How much I loved him.
I hate you, Billy Herman.
I hate you so much.
Mothballs and menthol.
You don't have to pretend like
you want to be here.
I could pretend to be polite,
courteous and communicative.
But I'm not.
I'm a teenager.
You're 12.
I'll be 13 in a week.
$0'?
So I could
pretend to be happy,
pretending that
you don't exist.
But I wouldn't be happy
After all,
you are my brother.
It's such a relief knowing
that Gunter's not our dad.
He was such a tool.
You saw
the lab report?
That means
you lost the bet.
That means I won.
Dad loved you
most of all.
Yeah, right.
I was an accident.
It was an accident
I was ever born.
Dad always wanted a girl.
After four boys in a row,
he finally got one.
You.
After he...
told Henry the truth,
I...
I wished he was dead.
Well, at least now you know.
That I wasn't an accident?
No, you'd better be
careful what you wish for.
Cool.
Mom?
Mom?
Yes, Henry, honey?
Who's this?
That's your Uncle Jimmy.
No, I mean that.
That's you, Henry, honey.
But I don't remember ever
meeting Uncle Jimmy.
How could you?
You were less than
a week old.
And you were sound asleep.
That was the day I told Jimmy
I named you after him.
Henry James Herman.
I was named after
my Uncle Jimmy.
A week later,
you were at his funeral.
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
Me too.
Why don't we put this...
back where it belongs.
Every book
should have a title.
Well, it could,
couldn't it?
I don't think so.
You said it yourself.
My guess is
as good as yours.
It's highly improbably that
the "H" stands for Henry.
Let's say that
you could go back in time.
Would you still publish
that book?
So many unintentional
great things
came to be
because of that book.
Just answer
the question, Dad.
Yes.
I most certainly...
would not.
No.
I would not publish
that book.
You can't change the past.
But you can
change the future.
Henry's right.
Today is my birthday.
And now that
I'm an adult...
I feel that a I have
a moral obligation
to help make
the world a better place.
You do?
You'?
You, me.
We should all be the change
we wish to see in this world.
Shouldn't we, Henry?
We should try.
That is why after much
thought and deliberation,
I, Audrey O'Hara,
on my 18th birthday,
will donate 20% of my trust fund
to the following organizations.
Okay, fine.
Make that 25%.
and that's final.
I suggest you write
this down, Dad.
Uh...
Right.
Don't seem to have a pen.
Thank you, Henry.
Proceed.
The National Organization
for Women.
The Environmental Defense Fund.
The National Gay
and Lesbian Task Force.
My name is
Audrey Stravinowsky
and I am a lesbian.
Patricia was right.
When I turned 18,
I did thank
her for the money.
The annual stipend that she
negotiated for me
when I was ten
was more than enough.
A donation in
Stan's name was made
to the National Law Enforcement
Memorial Fund.
The rest was donated to
the AIDS Research Alliance
to ensure that the memory
of my Uncle Jimmy
would never again fade away.
But I'm getting
ahead of myself.
We have a birthday
to celebrate.
J' For she's
a jolly good fellow J'
J' For she's a jolly
good fellow J'
J' For she's
a jolly good fellow J'
- J' That nobody can deny M
- J' And so say I M
The candles aren't lit.
Oh, right.
Henry, honey,
hand me your lighter.
I can light
the candles, Mom.
I can do this.
I will do this.
Thank you, Dr. O'Hara.
You're welcome...
Ms. Herman.
And please
call me Slavkin.
Slavkin Stravinowsky.