1
(HELICOPTER WHIRRING)
MAN: Execute.
MAN: Go! Go! go!
I got the back!
Moving in!
Make sure he's there!
(GUNS COCKING)
Freeze!
(SCREAMING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
(CROWD CHEERING)
FEMALE EMCEE:
Yeah, my favorite stripper.
Gorgeous Goliath!
I want you
You gotta get ready
Feel something hot?
Give him a hand!
Gotta get ready
EMCEE: Goliath!
(WOMEN CHEERING)
Now, remember, ladies,
at least five
of these
gorgeous, gorgeous hunks
you are seeing here tonight
are gonna be exclusive
International House
of Beefcakes dancers!
And now, our next
steaming slab of man.
(POP GOES THE WEASEL
PLAYING)
WOMAN:
Take it off, baby.
(RECORD SCRATCHES)
EMCEE:
The Cream Machine!
(PLAY WITH ME PLAYING)
Ring around the rosie
Hopscotch, Monopoly
Red light, green light
G. I. Joes and Barbies
EMCEE: The mighty,
mighty Cream Machine.
Paper dolls,
Hacky sack and Hangman
Do you wanna play
It's stupid.
Tag, you're it,
Cops and robbers
Jungle gym,
Chutes and ladders,
Tic tac toe, Mister Rogers
Yahoo!
Yeah!
Electric company,
Olly olly oxen free
Do you wanna play
With me
Okay, wait one second.
Come on.
EMCEE:
He's creamy.
Do you wanna
Yuck.
Play
Whoo!
Play with me,
play with me
Do you wanna
Aah!
Play
EMCEE:
The mighty
Cream Machine.
Spin the bottle,
Post office, Kiss and tell
Slippery when wet.
Cooties, Little league
(SPLOTCHING)
WOMAN: Ugh!
With cheese!
Dairy products like
you've never seen
them before.
Come here, come here!
(SHOUTING)
Matchbox, Cheerios
ABC's, Spelling bees,
Sesame street,
Hockey duck duck
Do you wanna play
With me
With me
Hey.
Hi.
Let's go back
to my place and curdle.
Eww!
Ugh! Go!
Okay, boys,
the votes are in.
Read it and weep.
I made it, I made it.
Congrats.
We're gonna be dancers.
TOMMY:
Let me through.
THOR:
I'm gonna call Mother.
"Adonis, Thor, Sgt. O'Tool,
Goliath, Zeus, the Cream..."
Huh?
Excuse me.
I don't understand
what happened.
I mean,
I was good, right?
Kid, you were too good.
But I got personality!
Personality?
Unfortunately, uh,
that's not what
the people are paying for.
A kid like you,
you're special.
You could do anything.
What about fast foods?
It's too greasy.
Post office?
Too dangerous.
You ever fill in potholes?
Too labor-intensive.
What about giving sperm?
Also too labor-intensive.
Yeah, you're right.
Well, thanks for trying
to hook me up here
at the International
Beefcake House,
Uncle Sal.
Hey, what's family for, huh?
Get over here.
Huh? Who loves you more
than your Uncle Sal?
All right, goodbye.
Personality!
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
Oh, well, Peanut,
some things just
aren't meant to be.
What else is there?
(SIGHING)
(WHIMPERING)
"We pay big bucks
for your dog.
"Animal Lab
Testing Corporation."
(BARKS)
Don't worry, Peanut,
I wouldn't do that
to you again.
(BARKING)
(SWEET SOUL REVUE
PLAYING IN JAPANESE)
NEWSCASTER ON TV:
Right behind me,
Carl Wayne Bishop,
the accused Drive-Thru Killer,
sits alone
in his 6 by 8 solitary cell.
Coincidentally, the cell
is roughly the size of
his old workspace.
But there are no burgers,
no fries, no frosty shakes.
Just an accused serial killer
and his conscience,
awaiting trial by jury.
12 brave citizens
riding shotgun for...
Wakey, wakey.
Eggs and bacey.
Rise and shine, puddin'.
Wake up, Tommy.
Mom, it's not noon yet.
Oh, I brewed you
some fresh coffee.
Uh.
But, Mom,
that'll keep me up all day.
Puddin', tell me,
what happened
with your job interview?
I must have been fast asleep
when you came in.
What job interview?
The one at the dairy.
Well, Mom,
it didn't really happen.
I didn't get the job.
Ah.
That's all right, puddin'.
It's okay.
It's dangerous
being a milkman.
I saw a whole program on it
on cable television.
I'll find something, Ma.
You just don't worry.
Oh, look no further,
Mr. District Attorney.
What's this?
A jury duty notice?
My son, the lawyer.
Ma, it pays
$5 a day, okay?
Look, look at me.
I got stuff to do.
Yes, but...
I heard that
when the trial is important,
they sequester
the jury in very posh hotels.
Hey, Ma,
what could be
better than this?
(HORN BLOWING)
Tommy, you just threw away
your entire future.
Mom, honey-face, snookum-pie,
I'll find something.
Hear ye, hear ye!
Hey, Ma, look!
Harry the Hot Tub King
is slashing all prices.
That's right.
The widest selection.
I demand it.
The finest...
Hey, Mom, look.
Safe sex.
(HORN HONKING)
Oh, I...
I have to finish dressing.
(MOANING)
Hey, Jed.
Hi.
I got two words
for you, son.
Polystyrene.
It's like white gold, Tommy.
It's everywhere.
People are throwing
this stuff away,
right and left,
treating it like the plague.
But south of the border,
they can't get enough of it.
So, here's what we do.
We find it, clean it,
ship it. Bingo.
Easy village, huh?
Right.
Come here, I want to show
you something. Come on.
Look. Look, what do you see?
TOMMY:
A truck full of shit.
JED: No, Tommy.
That's the future.
This stuff
is light as a feather.
And the best part of it is,
they pay you by the pound.
Wow! Then you must
be making a fortune.
Yeah.
Ta da! I'm ready.
Where are we going?
Uh, Vegas.
Oh, great!
Peanut loves craps.
Siegfried and Peanuts.
You didn't tell him?
I knew there was
something I forgot.
Okay, you guys,
we are ready.
Tommy, um...
Your mom and I are
going to Las Vegas
to get married.
Alone.
(WHIMPERING)
Wait a minute.
Where are you guys gonna stay?
Honey, we'll be back
before you know it.
It's gonna be
a very quick honeymoon,
right, Jed?
But, Mom,
where will Peanut and I eat,
sleep, and watch TV?
They're gonna take
very good care of you.
I made arrangements
for you to stay
at the Woodalls.
Bye, puddin'.
(HORN HONKING)
The Woodalls?
Oh.
Come on, Tommy.
We won't hurt you.
(BOTH SNARLING)
(YELPING)
Court is in session.
Thanks for the ride,
Uncle Morty.
DRIVER: Say hi
to your mom for me.
TOMMY: Whoa! Look
at that erect building.
Okay, Peanut.
Take a deep breath.
Remember, we go
to different courtrooms
until they find the trial
that's right for us.
And the trial
that's right for us
is a very long one
where we get to stay
in a hotel for free,
not to mention $5 a day.
You got that, Peanut?
(BARKS)
Hola, senorita.
It's, uh,
pretty impressive, eh?
Yeah, S and M.
(SPLUTTERING)
Kinky.
You here for jury duty?
Oh, yeah. You?
I couldn't get out of it,
at least not yet.
Give me a hand.
Just around the head?
I'm kind of
faking a head wound.
Excuse me.
Are you two here
for jury duty?
Yeah!
Yeah.
You couldn't
get out of it?
At least not yet.
I'm still trying, though.
I know.
Hey, look,
it's the juice!
Run, O.J., run!
Ahh!
It was a security guard.
Hey, maybe I can help you.
Yeah?
Yeah. I got an idea.
"The People
versus Robert Trenton."
The defendant is accused
of embezzling $2,000.
This trial shouldn't last
more than a day or two.
Three days at most.
Bob, is that you?
Who's this?
I don't know who he is.
Bobby Trenton?
You know the defendant?
Know him?
We cheated our way through
high school together,
didn't we, Bobby?
Remember we had that thing
with the hands, right here.
Then when we put
the thing on the...
And you slammed...
It hurt your right there.
Excused.
This trial should
move quite swiftly.
Dr. Maurice Gaines,
an orthopedic surgeon
has been accused
of malpractice.
Murderer!
I don't know.
I mean, call me crazy,
but I believe
a man has the right
to protect his family.
Say hello to Manson for me.
Ee-eee-eee!
You're out of order!
No, you're out of order!
This whole court
is out of order!
BAILIFF:
Bring him in.
(SNARLING)
JUDGE:
Order! Order!
The defendant,
Carl Wayne Bishop
is accused of
multiple counts of murder.
This trial will be a very long
and involved one.
If you are selected
as a juror,
you will be
sequestered in a hotel.
Unfortunately,
your lives will be disrupted.
Your relationships and jobs
will have to be put on hold.
It will be a true test
of your commitment
to our judicial system.
Mr. Collins,
do you have any
preconceived notions
about the Drive-Thru Killer?
Drive-Thru who?
Don't tell me
you've never heard
of Carl Wayne Bishop?
No, I can't say I have.
I'm not one for television.
Poisons the mind.
It's too biased.
Nobody tells the truth.
And quite frankly,
the truth,
well, that's all
I'm interested in.
They picked a jury!
They picked a jury!
They're serving
tuna salad for lunch!
Tuna salad for lunch!
(REPORTER TALKING IN FRENCH)
(REPORTER TALKING IN JAPANESE)
(REPORTER TALKING IN SPANISH)
The jury for
this highly-charged
and sensitive murder trial
has been chosen.
Presently, the jurors
are departing the courthouse
for an undisclosed location.
REPORTER 1:
Sir, over here! Do you know
where they are taking you?
REPORTER 2:
Will you be allowed
to see your families?
REPORTER 3:
Did you try the tuna salad?
Fear not, citizens.
Justice will be served.
You're in good hands! Aah!
Ow!
What? I had the exact change.
Sit down.
Okay.
(CLUCKS)
Breaker, 1-2.
Breaker, 1-2.
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to Justice Tours!
(LAUGHS)
I'm Juror Number 6.
Number 6, sit down!
Do we have any jurors
from out of town?
Great. Would you like
to tell us something
about yourself?
My name is Jorge,
and I received
my citizenship here
in this great country,
one month ago!
I am so proud to be here.
And you can even
drink our water.
(LAUGHS)
Number 6, sit down!
Shh!
You guys, everybody stay calm.
I've just been informed
there's a bomb on the bus.
It's set to go off
if we exceed the speed
of 10 miles an hour.
Sit down!
(LAUGHS)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Aah! Ow.
(SQUEAKING)
(THUDDING)
All right,
ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to your hotel.
When you're not here,
you'll be in the courtroom.
When not in the courtroom,
you'll be here.
Please do not
discuss any aspect
of the trial with each other
or anyone else.
That means friends,
family, the media.
TOMMY: What about
Ricki Lake? (LAUGHS)
Welcome to
the Holiday Suites Hotel,
where every day is a holiday.
Eh, pretty nice joint
you got here.
JORGE:
Beautiful, beautiful.
Actually, you'll be staying
in the historic wing.
(MACHINES WHIRRING)
The emergency exits
are at the end
of the hallways.
And the ice machine is located
just across the street
at the gas station.
You'll be staying
two to a vintage suite.
Jurors 7 and 12,
in suite 503.
I'm 12.
I'm 7.
And, let's see,
we have jurors 2 and 9
in suite 504.
What are you doing?
We're bunkies, see?
9?
Move it, pervert.
Good night.
Wait, wait. No, no, no.
Don't shut it. Don't shut it.
Ahh!
(DRILL BUZZING)
Peanut, look. Huh?
We just died
and went to heaven.
Oh, my.
Oh, look.
Oh!
Peanut-size shampoos.
All these fun things
for me in here.
Two-ply.
(MAN CLEARING THROAT)
Oh, my God!
Something wrong, son?
Principal Beasely.
Good grief.
Mr. Collins?
In a suit and tie?
I didn't do it!
I didn't do it!
Still hanging out
in the boys' room, I see.
Sit down, Collins!
If this isn't one of
life's supreme ironies.
Didn't I expel you?
Twice.
I thought so.
What is it, son?
May I be excused?
Very well.
Oh, pleasant dreams,
Mr. Collins.
I know that's
what you majored in.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(SNORING)
MAN ON TAPE:
I can accomplish my goals.
I have a winner inside me.
Wait here, Peanut.
I am no one's doormat.
If I believe,
others will believe.
I will accomplish my goals.
I have a winner inside me.
I am no one's...
TOMMY: Principal Beasely,
open up!
I can't sleep with
that self-help crap tape!
I...
Quick, sir! Jamie Cooly's
smoking in the boys' room.
Lundy's playing
with his boner in
the back of the class.
I am no one's doormat.
If I believe,
others will believe.
I can accomplish my goals.
(DOG WHIMPERING)
Oh, every day
isn't a holiday.
Every day's detention.
Ahh!
I can't sleep.
I'm gonna have
bags under my eyes.
...others will believe.
I can accomplish...
If I believe,
others will believe.
I am no one's doormat.
All rise.
Department Number 52
of the Superior Court
is now in session.
The Honorable Judge
Edward J. Powell
presiding.
Ladies and
gentlemen of the jury,
here are the facts.
Seven innocent men dead.
Seven families destroyed.
Seven lives wasted.
All courtesy of
Mr. Carl Wayne Bishop
and a stun gun, Model 350-X.
As the case unfolds,
we will show
Carl Wayne Bishop
to be in possession
not only of a stun gun,
but also a lethal
red-hot temper.
We will show that because
of his employment record,
getting a job
became as difficult
as holding a job.
And as a consequence,
Mr. Bishop ended up
on the streets.
And finally,
we will show
that Carl Wayne Bishop
was found living
in a boarded-up,
condemned shack,
with a stun gun
and the bodies of
seven fast-food managers
buried in the floorboards.
(WHIMPERING)
The Defense will contend
that Mr. Bishop was set up.
That he was merely
a harmless drifter
who happened to be
in the wrong place
at the wrong time.
Who never actually lived
in the condemned house
but was there for
a job interview.
At 9:30 at night?
In the worst neighborhood
in town?
Please.
The Defense can
contend all it wants,
but the evidence will show
Mr. Bishop to be
a calculating,
cold,
killing machine,
who knew
exactly where he was
and what he was doing.
(PEOPLE GASPING)
All rise!
Moron.
(SIGHING)
Thanks for
saving me a seat.
(SIGHING)
So, what do you think?
About what?
Your sleeping
or your drooling?
We all have our own ways
of concentrating.
Honestly,
do you think
the guy did it?
I don't think
we're allowed to discuss that.
Then what can we discuss?
Us?
Uh-huh.
Nothing.
Whoa, boy, ease up.
You're like
a fly swimming in
a barrel of pickles.
You got to
cut wood before
you can shave its bark.
Think about it.
Think about it.
Write her a note?
There you go!
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury,
clearly, whoever committed
these horrible atrocities
is a savage beast.
In fact, we have no proof
that these crimes
were even committed
by a human being at all.
You know,
I've seen some pretty
smart animals in my time.
I've seen a chicken
play the piano.
And the gibbon?
Everyone forgets
it has a thumb.
Indulge me, if you will.
"Disturbing the peace,
loitering, shoplifting,
"armed robbery,
"burglary,
"impersonating
a U.S. forest ranger,
"receiving stolen goods."
These are all crimes
Carl Wayne Bishop
has been arrested for.
Petty crimes.
A far cry from murder,
wouldn't you say?
As we all know,
Shit.
killing a man
is not easy.
It'd be safe to say
there are not many killers
among us.
Hopefully none.
It takes persistence
and determination to kill.
Why, just last spring,
I found two mice in
my garage,
and I had the darndest time
killing those little suckers.
Isn't it then logical
that an unfocused,
misdirected youth,
such as my client
would never have
the get-up-and-go
that it would take to
stun, strangle and dispose
of the bodies of
seven full-grown men?
Carl Wayne Bishop
is an angry man,
but not a killer.
For lack of a better word,
he's a screw-up.
Objection, Your Honor.
You can't object.
This is my opening statement.
Counsel will
approach the bench.
A gibbon?
A chicken who
can play piano?
Calling his client
"a screw-up."
This is a waste
of taxpayer's money.
What in God's name
are you doing here?
(SIGHING)
Your Honor,
I don't think it's fair
that you guys get to have
your own little
powwow over here,
while we can't listen.
We have to hear, too,
for information.
You're a juror.
Get back in that box!
(WHISPERING) I'm just
trying to do my job.
Number 6, come on.
Back in the box.
You are in trouble.
(SNORTING)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
You're watching Justice TV,
America's number one
court channel.
All verdicts, all day.
And now,
our top-notch legal expert,
Hal Gibson.
Hello, court fans.
What a trial we have
for you today.
The People versus
Carl Wayne Bishop.
What a doozy!
In the corner of the accused,
we have Defense Attorney
Fishburn.
The tests are back and
they say DNA: "Do Not Ask."
This guy
is fresh off the farm, baby.
Court appointed.
He has zero wins, five
losses, with one in appeal!
I mean, are you serious?
This is an NC: No Contest.
An M and M: A Mis-Match.
The guy's a fighter,
but he's no Dershowitz!
Look for him to go
"ad hominem," baby.
It's all he's got.
In the State's corner,
we have Prosecutor Starling.
She's a PTA, baby:
a Prime Time Attorney.
A-one, top of the line,
Stanford educated.
I mean, this...
MAN ON TAPE:
I can accomplish my goals.
I have a winner inside me.
I am no one's doormat.
If I believe,
others will believe.
(SNORING)
Come on,
Principal Beasely, please.
I can accomplish my goals.
I have a winner inside me.
I am no one's doormat.
Ahh!
If I believe,
others will believe.
I can accomplish my goals.
Evening, Number 6.
Damn.
Bye-bye.
I am no one's doormat.
If I believe, others...
Hold down the fort, Peanut.
It's time to take action.
(BARKING)
(WIND HOWLING)
(SCREAMING)
(EXHALING)
Ahh!
(CRASHING)
(CAT MEOWING)
Ahh! Ahh! Ahh!
Sorry.
(JINGLING)
Hi!
Can I help you, sir?
Hah! Yes!
I'm in room 505. I need
to switch rooms, please?
Oh, okay.
Oh, oh, uh...
Mr. Collins, I'm sorry.
You're one of the jurors.
Unfortunately,
I can't move you.
Those are
especially assigned rooms.
That's ridiculous!
I can't sleep.
Look, see the luggage
under these eyes?
Huh? Do you see?
Look. Look. Look.
You got glasses on.
Take a look. Luggage.
Luggage. Louis Vuitton.
How do you expect me
to render a fair verdict?
Do you realize
that there's a man's life
that hangs
in the balance here?
I'm afraid
it's out of my hands.
(GASPING)
"I'm not your doormat!
I can accomplish my goals!
"Turn the tape over, now!"
I wish there was some way
we could work something out,
but I'm afraid there isn't.
Three more
cancellations, sir.
The renovations
are causing more disturbance
than we figured.
Any more of these
and I'll lose my shirt.
And that lovely tie.
Russell, old buddy, old pal.
I think I have an idea.
When can we
expect a verdict?
I cannot say.
Any word on the verdict?
No comment.
A verdict?
No comment.
Boss, look.
How about a verdict?
No comment.
Any word on the verdict?
Holiday Suites Hotel,
where every day's
a holiday!
Ah, ah, aha!
Hey, Russell, buddy!
Mom, Dad, come see
the Holiday Suites! Ooh!
STARLING:
Dr. Brookings,
as the preeminent expert
on the psychology
of serial killers,
tell me,
why would a man choose
to live under the same roof
as his victims,
amidst his own
personal killing field,
as it were?
It's quite simple, actually.
It all boils down
to an issue of control,
which at its
most basic human level
can be attributed
to penis envy.
By having these dead bodies
buried in his living room,
clearly
there's some kind of...
Is something the matter,
Juror Number 6?
Yes, actually,
I didn't get that last bit.
What was it attributed to?
Dr. Brookings?
Penis envy.
Excuse me,
what kind of envy?
Penis.
I'm sorry,
I couldn't hear the...
Penis.
Just once more.
Penis! Penis! Penis!
(ALL LAUGHING)
After Mr. Bishop was fired,
what did you
overhear him say?
He said,
"I'm gonna kill you."
He said, "Your days
are numbered, matey."
He said,
"Your ass is tabouli."
(CROWD MURMURING)
I...
I saw him stab...
Stab a weenie and say,
"I wish it were you."
(SOBBING)
(CROWD MURMURING)
(SIGHING)
No further questions.
(MACHINE WHIRRING)
Hey!
Have a good night, guys.
We're going to bigger
and better places,
my friend.
(GROWLING)
(GRUNTING)
Oh, yeah.
(PANTING)
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Hallelujah
Peanut, this is
gonna be a long
trial, huh!
Mr. Collins,
welcome to the
El Presidente Suite.
Your new home
away from home.
Wow!
Every day
isn't a holiday.
Every day is an orgasm.
(CHUCKLING)
Since your
endorsement this morning,
our phones have been
ringing off the hook
with reservations.
Anytime, Cadbury. Anytime.
I'll scratch your back,
and I'll let you know
what you can scratch.
Uh, yes, well.
Oh, you have a dog?
Sort of.
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
When that gassy,
bloated feeling strikes...
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Damaging ultra-violet rays...
And he watches TV?
MALE ANNOUNCER:
Finally, a category called
"Kings Named Haakon."
Peanut loves Jeopardy.
(BARKING)
"Sports" for $200, please.
What happened to him?
We don't talk about that.
But hey, you should see
some of his tricks. Watch.
Roll over.
(WHINING)
Through the hoop.
(WHINING)
Stage fright.
But this one, he always gets.
Sit.
Huh!
Good boy, Peanut.
Good boy.
Russell's gonna find
you a big slab of
roast beef,
'cause you're so smart.
(YODELING)
That's the Peanut call.
Yes, of course it is.
Well, uh,
as we discussed,
all your calls
will automatically
be forwarded.
Nobody can know.
Absolutely no one.
(WHOOPING)
Whoo!
This is gonna be great!
(GARGLING)
This sucks.
If I had money
Tell you what I'd do
I'd go downtown
and buy a Mercury or two
Crazy about a Mercury
(CHEERING)
She likes us, Peanut.
Buy me a Mercury
and cruise it up and down
the road
The girl I love,
I stole her from a friend
He got lucky,
stole her back again
'Cause she know
he had a Mercury
She know he had a Mercury
Am gonna buy me a Mercury
And cruise it
up and down the road
Oh, oh, ohh!
(WHINES)
(LAUGHING)
Okay.
Lower, lower.
Aah, aah.
If I had
(QUACKING)
(BARKING)
Buy a Mercury or two
Crazy about a Mercury
I'm crazy about a Mercury
I'm gonna buy me a Mercury
And cruise it
up and down the road
I'm gonna buy me a Mercury
And cruise it
up and down the road
Long live
jury duty!
Oh
Carl Wayne Bishop
I say we give him the gas
You know,
on second thought,
I say we deep-fry his ass
Everybody, now
Deep-fry his ass
Deep-fry his ass
As you can see,
it is nothing short of
a three-ring circus here
in front of the courthouse.
Protesters, freaks,
sycophants, the unemployed,
all assembled and purchasing
the merchandising
of human carnage.
Amusing?
Color me sickened
by the bottom feeders
who suckle at the
teat of human tragedy.
(JUDGE POUNDING GAVEL)
You've heard
the testimony
and the law
has been read to you
as it applies to the case.
Now it is your duty
to sit down together
to determine the truth.
Seven innocent people
are dead.
And one man's life
hangs in the balance.
May justice prevail.
(POUNDS GAVEL)
"May justice prevail."
(IMITATING ELECTROCUTION)
We should've
just handed our verdict
to the judge right there.
No kidding.
At least we'll
be home for dinner.
Oh, yes, dinner, followed
by a warm bath and some
hot cocoa.
Freedom at last.
Courtside, tonight.
Open and shut.
That boy's
guiltier than a possum
with a mouthful of bees.
If you need anything,
I'll be right outside
the door.
(CLEARING THROAT)
Let's vote.
Why waste our time?
Let's just walk
back in there
and tell the judge
to light him up.
Excuse me,
do you mind?
Yes, there're enough
poisons in the air already,
thank you very much.
My sincerest apologies.
Here, 20% off any hot
tub or spa.
Well, I think
the correct thing to
do is to take a vote.
Yeah, yeah, whatever,
let's just get this
over with.
Good idea. A vote.
All those in favor of
taking a bathroom break,
raise their hands.
You pee
after we vote.
It's a free country.
Jorge has a right
to pee.
That's right.
Sit down.
Okay.
Look, well, I gotta go.
(ALL GROANING)
Take a seat, boy.
Yeah, come on, kid.
Forget it.
I have to tinkle.
Will you just hurry up?
I'm hurrying!
(UNZIPPING)
(TRICKLING)
TOMMY: Ahh!
Ahh!
(CLEARING THROAT)
Ahh!
Hmm-mmm!
Ahh!
(SIGHING)
(TRICKLING)
What the hell is that boy
doing in there?
Making a pee-pee?
Reminds me of my honeymoon
in Niagara Falls.
(BANGING)
Come on, boy, zip it!
I'm almost done.
Maybe while he finishes,
we should elect
a jury foreman.
To tell
that psycho lunatic he's
going to the electric chair?
Not me, oh, no.
Oh, no, no.
It'll be like
sentencing Satan himself.
He'll give you that
evil eye.
It will haunt you
until the day you die.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
The nightmares alone will have
the supernatural powers
to kill you.
I'm out.
Well, then who?
(FLUSHING)
(ZIPPING)
Ahh!
What?
Congratulations, kid,
it's your lucky day.
What, I didn't get
any on me?
No.
You've just been
elected jury foreman.
(CLAPPING)
We thought you were
the best man for the job.
Wow!
This is truly an honor.
First of all,
I'd like to thank
Principal Beasely, sir,
for that
strong scholastic base.
And, Nathan,
malaka salaam,
brother, my man.
And, Monica,
my legal beagle.
And, Harry...
Oh, shut up
and let's vote!
Right now?
ALL: Yes, right now!
Yeah, but you guys
just elected me
jury foreman.
I say
it's time for
a little fiesta!
No. Vote now!
Yeah, now.
On an empty stomach?
Yes, goddamn it,
on an empty stomach!
It's a simple "guilty."
That's it.
That's it?
And what about the baby?
What baby?
Sarah's pregnant.
She's eating for two.
If we arrive
at a verdict now,
it'll be at least
a half hour
before they call the judge,
if he's available and sober.
Then there's local TV,
interviews, Nightline...
(SIGHING)
We're liable not to eat for
a couple more days at least.
Uh, you know,
I think he's right.
And that is
why you elected me
jury foreman.
(BUZZING)
Yeah.
Have you reached
a verdict?
Yes, we have.
(STUTTERS) Chinese.
(MUMBLING)
(TOMMY GROANING)
I almost got it.
I just got a little more.
Take it home with you, boy.
Let's vote.
On a full stomach?
Yes, goddamn it,
on a full stomach.
I believe the rule is,
no voting until 30 minutes
after you eat.
That's swimming,
you idiot!
Oh, Principal Beasely,
what are you doing?
This stuff
is money in the bank.
This stuff's worth a fortune.
This right here, guys,
is our future.
Our future?
It's our end.
That and aerosol cans
and asbestos,
and the rest of the crap
that's poisoning us.
That's very
interesting, okay?
Can we cut the crap and vote?
Now?
Yes!
Yes, now.
Quit stalling.
Now!
Now!
ALL: Now!
All right,
okay, let's just
get to it right now.
No sense in wasting
taxpayers' money.
Okay, pass it down.
A secret ballot
is a waste of time.
And paper.
May I have the honor
of collecting the votes?
Yes, you may, Jorge.
You know,
in my country,
a man does not have
the right to a fair trial.
This jury system is
really something wonderful.
I am so proud.
Oh, great. Count them.
Okay, you guys ready?
ALL: Yes.
"Guilty."
"Guilty."
"Guilty."
That one was
probably yours.
Probably.
(SMIRKS)
Okay, "Guilty."
"Guilty."
Ray, this says "Guilty."
Now, let me think.
What do you think
this one is?
This says
"Guilty," too.
Okay, "Guilty."
"Guilty."
(STUTTERS) "Guilty."
"Guilty."
Oh, my...
"Not guilty"?
ALL: What?
Let me see that!
Let me see that!
My! This is unbelievable.
Which one of you guys
did this?
I am shocked...
Mr. Collins!
Yes, Principal Beasely, sir?
There is a "u"
in "not guilty."
Are you sure?
I don't believe
I understood correctly.
I was thinking about my girl,
who I haven't seen in
four years.
Did you vote not guilty?
Yeah.
How could you...
And how can you
vote guilty?
Goddamn it, Tommy!
I killed for these tickets.
If you make me miss the game
because of your bullshit,
I'll be pissed off!
I'll be very,
very pissed off!
Now, wait a second.
I believe even Mr. Collins
has a right to his opinion.
Maybe we should discuss
this before he votes guilty.
Exactly.
Reasonable doubt.
Okay, what does this mean?
We got "reason"
from the French "raison"
meaning "dry grape."
And we got "able"
from Abraham Lincoln,
our beloved third president.
Boy, I'm gonna kill you!
No!
Gonna kill you!
Beat's said
that I'm no good
But I don't need you
to hold my hand
(SCREAMING)
Or take me to
your promised land
People try to tell me
How to live my life
I just want
a chance to shout
What it's all about
Double fantasy
Come on and check it out
All right
(GRUNTING)
Yeah
(ALL LAUGHING)
I went to
your promised land
Just one look
is all I get
I can't find mine anywhere
So don't you
try to tell me
How to live my life
I just want
a chance to shout
What it's all about
Double fantasy
Come on and
check it out
(ALL CHATTERING)
ALL: Guilty. Guilty. Guilty.
(SCREAMING)
I say we request an alternate
and report this slimebucket
to the Judge.
(SCREAMING)
This is like being stuck
on an island with Gilligan!
Oh, wait!
It's worse,
it's real life.
Ow, aah! My ear!
Stop killing time
and start killing killers!
Aah!
In my country,
they would've shot
this Bishop on day one.
Here, you people
play games.
Aah!
Maybe I don't like
this country so much.
(CHOKING)
Listen, we're all making
a tremendous sacrifice, okay?
Ahh!
But I don't want
to send this guy
to the chair
without at least
considering all
the facts.
I mean,
I'm willing to forego
a little comfort
in my life so that
justice can be done.
Even if it takes a year.
A year?
My business is
going to ruins!
(YELLING)
She's having the baby!
She's having the baby!
We're right here, Sarah.
Back off.
She needs some air.
Wait, wait, wait, no.
It's a false alarm.
It's okay. It's just
the baby kicking.
Oh, God,
I told you she
was funny. See?
Do you want to feel it?
You can feel it.
Ohh!
Isn't that great?
Oh, wow!
Ohh!
Oh, God!
Don't even
think about it.
What did I do?
Get away.
What did you do?
What did you do?
Yeah.
Everything!
Nothing!
Instead of
this poor woman
being stuck here
stressing out
for the past month,
she should've been in bed
with her feet up! But no.
No, because of you,
we're cooped up
in this closet
away from our families,
our friends, and our jobs
headed into
the 21st century!
Now, I have supported
you from day one,
but now
I have to agree
with everyone else.
If, by tomorrow morning,
you do not walk
in here with your
act pulled together,
I will personally lead
a charge
to the Judge's chambers
and have you thrown out.
(CHATTERING ON TV)
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
What's the secret code?
RUSSELL:
"Peanut kicks
Lassie's ass."
Wow!
I was nervous. Thanks.
Here's the research material
you requested, sir.
Serial killer trading cards
and more videos.
"And Justice for All.
Judgment at Nuremberg.
"The Firmest?"
Oh, uh-huh.
Actually,
that's mine, sir.
(TELEPHONE RINGING)
Oh, I gotta go.
Thanks, Russell.
Got it, Peanut.
(SIGHS)
Hello?
MONICA: Tommy?
Monica?
Look, I know
it got a little heated
in there this afternoon,
but...
I'm sorry,
I just don't get it.
You haven't made
one valid point,
that in any way casts
the slightest shadow
of doubt
on the defendant's fate.
You've done nothing,
but waste our time.
I can't figure out
why you're not voting guilty
with the rest of us.
...slip through our fingers?
Are you his executioner?
I'm one of...
Are you his executioner?
Perhaps you'd like
to pull the switch?
TOMMY:
Perhaps you'd like
to pull the switch?
I feel sorry for you.
What it must feel
like to...
I feel sorry for you.
What it must feel like
to want to pull the switch.
Ever since you
walked into that room,
you've been acting like
a self-appointed
public avenger.
Personally want it,
not because...
You want to see
this boy die because
you personally want it,
not because of the facts.
You're a...
Duck-billed platypus.
What?
Stop, Peanut!
Get off. Stop it!
(WHIMPERING)
I had no intention
of coming off
like an executioner.
Peanut, this isn't funny.
(WHIMPERING)
I just had no idea
you felt so passionately.
I guess you know
what you're doing.
Stop it!
I'll see you tomorrow?
Oh! Yeah, okay.
I'll see you tomorrow. Bye.
Bye.
(CHUCKLES)
Oh, wow!
Pull another stunt
like that
and it's back
to the lab for you.
Now what are we gonna do?
(KEY JANGLING)
(DOOR OPENING)
Bishop, you got a visitor.
Your girlfriend's here
to kiss you goodbye.
Purr!
In here.
He'll be right out.
(HISSES)
Thanks, Rusty.
Say hi to Judge Ito.
Growl!
You got five minutes.
Make them count.
(LAUGHS)
(DOOR CLOSES)
(MUTTERING)
(GROANS)
(NERVOUS CHUCKLING)
No, no, no, no,
no, look,
it's not who you think
it is. Look, see?
I like French women.
What about these?
(GRUNTS)
Perfect.
I hate implants.
All right,
what about this?
(SCREAMS)
Get me out of here,
she's a freak!
She's a freak!
She is a wild one.
(CHUCKLES)
No, Carl Bishop.
Don't do it!
Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!
Look, it's me, hi!
It's Tommy,
Juror Number 6.
I'm gonna kill you,
funny man!
No, no, no, relax.
Relax. CPW, right?
Listen. Okay,
here's the deal.
All the other jurors,
they think you're guilty.
But me, uh-uh, I think
you're innocent.
You know what?
If I don't change their
minds by the mornin',
they're gonna deep-fry
your ass like chicken.
(FRYING SOUNDS)
Deep-fry the ass
Deep-fry the ass
Shut up!
Oh, quick, come closer,
come closer.
Two-minute warning.
Hi!
I missed you,
Trishina.
I missed you, too,
Carl Wayne Bishop.
Mmm-mmm.
Da, uh,
okay.
What is going on here?
You gotta help me
if I'm gonna help you, too.
Have you tried
reasonable doubt?
That's too difficult.
Reenactment?
Too painful.
What about
giving sperm?
Huh?
Oh!
Come on,
give it to me,
Carl Wayne Bishop!
Oh, ride me! Oh!
Time's up.
(HOOTING)
Oh!
(GRUNTS)
Oh, to be young
and on death row.
Mmm.
Nice hickey.
And so, uh,
do you still
want to sauna?
(YELLING)
TOMMY:
Please, open it,
please, somebody!
What the hell?
Give them two
more minutes.
Yeah, why not?
Open, ah,
ooh...
Ah, what a night,
what a night!
Hey, everybody.
Hi!
Oh, Skeets,
would you show me
a picture of your girlfriend?
I just want to
look at her for a sec.
(SIGHING)
Oh!
Yep, this is her.
You know, she looks
a lot different
with her clothes on.
She is a panther
in the sack.
Mmm.
(NEIGHS)
I'm gonna kill you!
(YELLING)
(SHOUTING ANGRILY)
Hey! What the hell
is going on here?
Thank God
you're here, Murph.
Private Skeets is a madman.
(COUGHS)
He says
he wants to kill me.
Is that so?
Of course not.
I was just kidding.
(COUGHING)
I'm just a little frustrated,
that's all.
TOMMY: Just like
Carl Wayne Bishop.
Oh, Murph,
while you're here,
arrest this guy.
For what?
He actually killed
for these.
Whoa, stay right there,
Murph, all right?
It's an expression.
I say it
all the time, okay?
It doesn't mean anything.
How do we know
Carl Wayne Bishop
actually meant
what he said?
How do we know
it wasn't an expression?
Morons.
But Carl Wayne Bishop
fits the profile
of a killer perfectly.
How is that, Sarah? Huh?
Because he dresses
differently?
Because he doesn't
look like you guys?
Because he can't
hold down a job?
Now, wait a minute, now.
Wait a minute.
You didn't sleep with
my girlfriend, did you?
(SIGHS) No.
Monica, how much did the
steer shack manager weigh?
Uh, 180 pounds. Why?
Would you mind participating
in a little legal experiment?
Conducted by you,
Mr. Collins?
Not at all. In fact,
I'm rather curious.
(CLEARING THROAT)
(BUZZING)
(CRIES)
(GASPS)
Jorge, you're about
the so-called killer's
weight and height.
Pick Beasely up
and throw him
on the table.
Okay, no problem.
Come on, try it.
(SPEAKING SPANISH)
Hernia.
Rose, you want
to give it a try?
Uh, sure.
Wait. What is your point?
What's my point?
I think it's obvious.
How much did
Carl Wayne Bishop weigh?
130 pounds.
He could
never have lifted
the steer shack manager.
Oh, that's ridiculous!
Why is this so difficult
to understand?
Because for the first time
there's reason to suspect
that Carl Wayne Bishop
is telling the truth.
That he was set up?
Exactly!
That's preposterous!
You guys,
we're talking about
a human being's
life here. Hello?
Head, shoulders, knees
and toes, knees and toes
The whole thing!
The least we owe him,
is to sleep on it
just one more night, okay?
(ALL SIGHING)
We what?
(ALL CHATTERING)
I say we give him
a chance.
We've come this far.
Listen, I'll make you
guys a deal.
If, by tomorrow,
you guys still feel
Bishop is the killer,
I'll come in,
I'll vote guilty
with the rest of yas.
Well...
(ALL MURMURING)
All right, all right!
Tomorrow!
Thanks.
Stop the bus!
Open the doors!
Open the doors!
I think I see something.
BEASELY: Collins!
Mr. Collins,
back to your seat!
Yeah, come on, kid,
give it up!
Come on, let's go!
Bishop says he was
knocked out, right?
Right.
Clearly, if the
killer knocked out all his
victims with the stun gun...
Then he would've done
the same thing to Bishop.
Right. And considering
the stun gun markings
were on the neck
and the shoulders...
It's logical to assume
that Bishop would have
a similar mark.
Behold.
Ah!
(ALL EXCLAIMING)
How do we know that the
marks are from a stun gun?
Yes.
Simple.
Wait, wait. Stop that.
(MURMURING)
How do we know
he didn't have
those marks forever?
Come here.
Don't touch me, please!
Look!
I don't see any stun gun
markings here, do you?
(SIGHING)
Come on, Frank, we can save
an innocent man's life here.
Seems logical.
(ALL AGREEING)
Tom is right.
If I believe,
others will believe, sir?
"A" plus, Mr. Collins.
Thank you, sir.
And, as my good friend
Ray would say,
"Ain't nothing sweeter
than a catfish
"doing the backstroke
"at the shallow end
of the kiddie pool."
Hey, Ray!
Yo, bro.
BOTH: Not guilty!
(ALL CHEERING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
You and me, amigo,
courtside, tomorrow.
No, no, no, chico.
No more court for
me, please!
Laker tickets. Laker!
(LAUGHING)
Laker girls!
Hey, Frank.
No hard feelings?
It's fine.
Maybe we'll get together
one day and recycle.
Fine.
HARRY: A toast!
(ALL CHATTERING)
To our jury foreman!
Hit it, Rose.
For he's
a jolly good foreman
For he's
a jolly good foreman
For he's
a jolly good foreman
Which nobody can deny
(LAUGHING)
ROSE: I knew it.
(RATTLING)
(WHIMPERING)
Ohh!
Hi, cutie.
You poor thing.
Who do you belong to?
(BARKS)
Where are you going?
Hey! Hey!
Puppy, where are you going?
Puppy!
Puppy! Ooh!
(BELL DINGS)
Puppy!
(GRUNTS)
MONICA:
Puppy! Puppy!
Puppy, where are you?
Puppy!
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
(WHIMPERS)
(DOORKNOB RATTLING)
Peanut.
(PANTING)
Puppy!
(MOANING)
Peanut, where have you been?
Ah, Peanut,
where have you been, boy?
What is going on here?
So, this is what
it was all about?
This is why
we went on and on?
Huh?
It was why.
(SIGHS)
I've changed.
I was checking out
of here tonight. Honest.
With your little
circus act?
So, this whole thing
had nothing to do
with justice,
did it?
The only man's life
you cared about was
your own.
I feel so stupid.
You're no hero.
You're just a fraud.
Monica, no, you don't...
Number 2, where...
(SIGHS)
Oh!
Isn't this rich?
What's going on here,
Number 6?
It saddens me,
it disappoints me,
that an individual
has wasted a lot of
your and my valuable time.
He has been
exposed to biased
and censored material.
He has left me little choice
but to declare
a mistrial!
(MOANING)
(BANGS GAVEL)
(CRYING)
Shut up.
The jury is dismissed.
A new hearing will be set
at a later date.
(BANGING GAVEL)
(SPEAKING JAPANESE)
(GROANING)
MALE ANNOUNCER:
What better way
to make kids feel safe
than with this
Carl Wayne Bishop nightlight?
FEMALE ANNOUNCER:
That's right, Jack,
watch this.
(LAUGHING)
There are only 72
of these beauties left.
And our special price is...
You're a hero.
You saved a man's life.
If only a handful
of people in this world
had your conviction,
we'd be a lot better off.
And I mean that.
(SHRIEKS)
Get up, let's go.
(GRUNTING)
Wake up, Tommy, wake up.
Why?
We're going mining, son.
What you need is some
old-fashioned therapy.
Come on!
(COUGHING)
I think
I've had enough therapy
for one day, Jed.
Why do people throw
this stuff away?
I mean,
it lasts forever!
I'm telling you, Tommy,
these psycho environmentalists
have got it all
ass-backwards.
Right.
Right!
Those psycho
environmentalists!
Now you're getting
the hang of it.
You're a genius, Jed!
Huh?
Hey, come here!
Where are you going?
I'm gonna go save
an innocent man's
life, Jed!
Bye.
Hey, Columbo,
get back here!
Come back here
with my truck,
you little shit!
Don't leave me out here
in this damn dump by myself!
(RINGING)
Hello?
TOMMY: Monica!
You?
I figured it out.
It's not about
a disgruntled employee
being fired.
It's about non-recyclables!
Non-recyclables?
You're starting
to sound like Frank.
I don't have time for you
or your silly ideas.
I'm late for work.
Oh, great!
Great, great, great!
(BARKS)
Frank! Frank!
Mr. CFC himself!
He'll know about
this stuff.
Look up Frank.
He's an environmentalist!
(BARKS)
Gotta call Frank.
(MUTTERING)
(WHINING)
(BARKS)
Oh, hey! How are you?
Hey, how was jury duty?
Thanks for volunteering
for me. Hawaii was great.
Look at the tan.
Check it out.
Anytime you want
to make that trade,
I'm your guy.
I'm up for that.
(BUZZING)
Anytime, Frank.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR)
Oh, Frank, thank God
you're here.
We need to talk.
What are you doing?
I figured it out.
I did a little
Holmes and Watson,
and I know why
the killer's been killing.
Why?
Three words, Frank,
non-recy-clables!
He hasn't been killing
because he's been fired!
No, no, no, no.
He was pissed
because these places are
still using non-recyclables.
He's one
of you guys, Frank.
Hello? Bingo!
Chi-ching, chi-ching.
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
You okay, Frank?
Fine.
Can you believe it?
You're gonna help me
find him, right?
(GRUNTS)
You can't leave
your shoes lying around.
Someone's liable
to break their neck.
So, does anybody else
know about this little,
uh, theory of yours?
Monica,
but she hates me.
Why? You're so likeable!
You know something, Frank?
What?
You can help me
with Monica.
She won't believe me
by myself,
but with you there, oh, yes.
She'd buy it in a second!
You're so smart, Tommy!
And that is
why you elected me
jury foreman.
Let's go.
(ENGINE STARTING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(GLASS SHATTERING)
Come on, let's go, Frank!
Come on, Frank, come on!
What are you doing here?
I told you I didn't want...
I know, Monica, I've been
a complete jerk, okay?
I'm sorry.
But I figured it out.
Whoever this guy is,
he's got something
for non-recyclables.
Right, Frank?
Good thinking.
You got a gun.
We might need
that later. Smart.
Anyways, Monica,
please listen...
Frank, come on.
You gotta find
the guy first.
Put the gun away.
Whoever he is, right,
he's gotta be some
flipped out,
psycho environmentalist
guy, right?
I mean,
he's very similar to...
Frank?
Frank.
That's a pretty
smart idea, Frank.
Getting on the jury
to convince us
Bishop was guilty.
Thanks.
Ouch, that's too tight,
I can't breathe.
Nice cutlery, Frank.
I wouldn't carve
your initials in the table.
Look, the librarian's
right here.
Don't worry.
I won't be carving
the table.
What can we do?
There's gotta be something.
There's a guard
out front.
Oh, I'll get
his attention.
How?
Okay, watch,
watch, watch.
(GRUNTING)
(CREAKING)
(THUDDING)
Uh... Uh!
(CHATTERING ON TV)
Couldn't you
have just yelled?
What the hell is
going on in here?
Hey!
Ahh!
And that is why
we elected you
jury foreman.
Got any other
bright ideas?
Yeah, just one.
(YODELING)
Hush up, Tom!
That was
your bright idea?
You'll see.
ALEX TREBEK ON TV:
This capital is one of
the USA's busiest. April?
What is Denver?
Right.
"State capitals"
for $400, please.
The answer there,
the daily double!
(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)
Whatever your plan is,
it's not working.
Wait. What time is it?
(SIGHS)
8:57.
Oh, damn! Jeopardy!
...look at today's
final Jeopardy category,
"Poland."
We'll be back with a clue
relating to that subject
following this break.
(GRUNTING)
Why did you do it, Frank?
Or should
I call you the psycho
environmentalist killer?
My mother
called me Billy.
I'll tell you why I did it.
I'm only hastening
the inevitable!
Mother Earth needs
to cleanse herself,
or we're all gonna
burn in a fiery hell!
Oh, God,
can't you see?
There's no hope!
(GASPING)
Aren't you
a ray of sunshine?
Sure there is.
There's plenty of hope.
But you have to turn
the world around
to help people.
Free Willy, Billy,
not kill Willy.
Billy.
No.
Kill Tommy,
Tommy.
(BARKS)
(GRUNTS)
I knew you'd
come save us.
(LAUGHS)
Come on, Puppy!
(GROANING)
(GRUNTING)
(LAUGHS)
TOMMY:
Okay, let's go.
(GROANING)
You wait here.
I'll take care of him.
What are you doing?
Come on, Frank.
Come on.
You want some of me, Frank?
Come on, come on.
(CHOKING)
Now, I really
can't breathe.
(GASPING)
I can't breathe.
(YELLING)
Please.
The verdict is in.
You are sentenced
to die.
Asbestos.
(SCREAMING)
(BELLS TOLLING)
(MONICA PANTING)
So that's what
these things are for.
Look on the bright side,
Frank.
At least
you're biodegradable.
(COUGHS)
Well, 6,
I think it's time
we deliberate.
I couldn't agree more.
(FLASH EXPLODING)
(APPLAUDING)
This is truly a proud moment
for the Department of Justice,
and to Thomas B. Collins.
It is my great honor
to present to you a check
for an extra day's work.
That's way too much.
CROWD:
Tommy! Tommy! Tommy!
TOMMY: Well,
thank you, thank you,
distinguished guests.
And to you, Judge Powell.
I believe I owe you
the biggest debt of gratitude.
For you,
of all people, showed me
what I should be
doing with my life.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
I wanna make
(WOMAN LAUGHING)
I wanna make
every woman I see
Uh-uh-uh.
I'm a heterosexual man
Just a heterosexual man
(WOMAN HOOTING)
WOMAN:
Go ahead, sweetheart!
I wanna do it to them
in their clothes
TOMMY: All right!
Yeah, Peanut, you made it!
Little puppy,
be a good boy!
(YODELING)
Judge Ito,
a bite of my burrito!
Kato, have some of my tomato.
Hey, Mr. Cochran,
have some of my...
Okay, I won't say that one.
(SWEET SOUL REVUE
PLAYING IN JAPANESE)