'Access code accepted.
'Welcome to DIY Dentist,
self dentistry on a budget'.
Ahh.
Right.
Actually, I really feel...
Relax.
Don't look at the tools,
it'll be fine.
Terry Kelleher says there's
a proper dentist opening up
on the Isle Of Norwich.
Yeah, we can't afford it, it costs
12 batteries to even register.
'Please voice select option.'
You know,
I think it's getting easier.
'With anaesthetic
or without anaesthetic?'
Without anaesthetic.
With anaesthetic.
'You have chosen...
without anaesthetic.'
What?! Bloody hell!
Look, you've upset the chickens!
We haven't got anaesthetic.
The tokens, the internet tokens.
Oh, I've cocking lost them,
haven't I?!
Here, here.
What is wrong with me?
I'm totally incapable.
You're not, you're
an extremely capable young woman.
I tell you what, why don't you rip
Grandad's tooth out?
Don't look at the tools!
No, I'd only mess it up,
I'd be like the pig all over again.
Listen, you were unlucky and we'd
have had to castrate him eventually.
- No, no.
- No, no, you'll be fine.
I'd make a complete and utter...
Grandad?
Probably safe to let them out.
Water's gone right down.
What's the flood left us?
Bits of wood, drowned hedgehog,
some old Y-fronts.
Not bad.
I think these floods
are easing up a bit.
We've only had three this week
and just the one tornado.
Anything else?
Plastic cones, rubber Johnny,
bits of old carpet...
corpse.
They used to collect on Tuesdays
but now you've got to
lug it up there yourself.
Yes, OK, Mick, thanks.
And they charge us!
- Do you want to buy some chicken eggs?
- No, thanks.
- What about your dad?
- He's not my dad, he's my father-in-law...
What happened to your eye?
Fight, over an eel.
Over an eel?!
And they charge by the weight now
and he's a big bastard, look!
Big thighs...
- Well, yeah...
- Big stiff thighs.
- Mick, that's no way to talk about...
- He won't fit in the wheelbarrow.
Eh?
The wheelbarrow! He won't fit!
We're not putting him
in the wheel...
So do you want to buy
some chicken eggs?!
Are they seagull eggs painted brown?
Not yet.
Why don't skinny people
ever end up dead in our garden?
Mick, this is another human being.
This is a mother's son,
a man with thoughts
and hopes and dreams.
Now here he is,
his life's journey's over,
washed up against
the fence of our garden...
just centimetres
from next door's garden.
'Traffic news - there's more
tailbacks on the Upton Causeway,
'where a rickshaw has shed its load.
'And now something mellow...'
What's that?
You've been invited to the birthday
party of the area controller.
What, Big Delia?
No, there must be a mistake.
Well, you've got to go.
No, even if it is for me,
she won't notice if I don't go.
But you can't risk snubbing her.
Johnny No Fingers
snubbed her once...
Well, Johnny Fingers as he was then.
No, no, no, I'm not going.
No, the only reason that hoodlums
like her flourish
is because decent people
just don't stand up to her
just because she's got protection
rackets and thugs and...
- I'd better take a present, hadn't I?
- God, yes.
Right, OK.
Mick, I am actually a bit short.
You remember
when we went to Guildford-On-Sea
and I loaned you all those
triple As to pay for...
I put them all on a dog fight.
You lost the lot.
Yeah, I bet on the dog
and the bloke won.
I can't skin this bloody hedgehog!
I've been beaten by the corpse
of Mrs Sodding Tiggywinkle!
Oh, that's not so bad...
Look, we can use that bit
as a hairbrush.
Kia, hey, hey, come on.
I know with Mum gone, it's tough.
It's a daunting world to be 17 in.
See, when I was young, we were
lucky, we had lots of great stuff.
We had buses and shops and mains
electricity and banks...
that had money in.
Well, we thought that they did...
Anyway, what I'm getting at is,
all this - the looting
and the lynching and stuff,
it's just...
a blip.
A blip?!
What I mean is, you know,
be confident.
Look, um, do you want to
come inside for a cup of tea?
You trying to harvest
one of my kidneys?
No.
Cos that'll cost you.
For the last time, I'm not
interested in any of your organs.
Yeah, if I had a penny
for every time I've heard that!
You got a party invite.
You've got a party invite!
Yeah, yeah, Big Delia invited me
to her birthday party,
I don't know why.
Well, she's not going to be
very happy.
Eh?
When you don't go
because you despise her!
Well, possibly...
You called her a barbaric monster.
Did I? Are you sure? Did I say...
You're totally right.
Am I?
Yeah, you and me, we're the
only ones who don't suck up to her.
There.
Thanks.
When are you going to tell Grandad
about... you know?
Oh, er, soon.
Excuse me!? Hello?
Yeah, yeah, I'm just waiting
for the right...
Yeah, soon.
Hello?!
Hello?!
Oh, hello.
There, er, appears
to be a body in my garden.
A body? Is there?
Well, that's a... bit of bad luck.
Oh, dear.
Yeah, that's... a big one.
Any idea how it got there?
Because I think
I saw a body in your garden earlier.
No, no, no, I don't think so.
Not in our garden.
See, the water flows this way,
you see, so how is it possible...
Backwash.
Hmm, backwash.
Backwash?
Yeah,
it's when the water washes... back.
Or he could have been
dragged there by otters.
Yes, yes, it could have been otters.
Otters can throw bodies
over fences, can they?
Well, maybe he...
Was alive
when he climbed into your property
and then he had...
a fatal heart attack.
In the night.
I would have seen him.
I have a 200 watt security light,
powered by my new wind turbine.
Yeah,
we're going to get a security light.
What, powered by that?
Isn't that one of the windmills
that Don Quixote charged at?
Ha, very good.
Look, mate, that body is just
one of those unanswerable mysteries
like the Marie Celeste or
who assassinated Tony Blair
or why the Shard fell down
or why the...
Oi, you!
Did you see how this got here?
Nah, didn't see a blind zero, bruv.
Indeed...
Was that me?
No, that was thunder, Mick.
Hey, do you want to sleep
the night in our shed?
Never sleep in a room with only
one door, me mum taught me that.
And to never cook
a tortoise in a microwave
You remember your mum, then?
Yeah, she gave me this.
Advice and wisdom and stuff.
It's a shopping list.
No, might look like
a shopping list to you.
Look, I used to teach adult
literacy, I could teach you to read.
To read what? Words?
Yeah, words.
So I could read tattoos?
Um, tattoos, yeah.
And signs and books even.
So I could read tattoos so I'd know
who's in what gang and stuff?
Well, yeah.
So what does that say?
That's a number plate,
they're not words.
You can't really read, can you?!
Good try, Mr!
You ain't tricking me
out of a kidney that easily!
'And that is the true
religious message of Chrislam...
'that everybody is right
and nobody is wrong.'
Another scorpion in the outside bog.
Er, listen, Mick...
That's the last of
the Jeffery Archers.
I shall miss wiping my arse on him.
Yes, Mick...
Other side, bad ear.
Uh, Mick, your granddaughter
has some very good news...
Oh.
Which is that she has a boyfriend.
What, a proper boyfriend,
not like the other one?
I had no way of knowing
he was a woman.
No, no.
No, no, of course not, darling.
Anyway, this admirer
of Kia's, I haven't met him,
but he makes her happy...
which is great.
Oh, yes, of course, no, absolutely.
Terrific, princess.
And also, the interesting
thing about him, is that he's...
Well, he's...
He's what?
He's...
Well, the interesting thi...
He's Dutch.
I met him up the dump last week
and since then,
we've gone scavenging together
a couple of times.
Oh, that's nice, isn't it, Granddad?
Dutch?
Fucking Dutch!
All right, Mick, let's..
Poxy, immigrant scum, they come
over here, they take our work,
they take our houses,
they steal our turnips.
Now, don't get me wrong. I don't
condone all this cloggy bashing...
Well...
But let's be honest,
they bring it upon themselves.
All I am saying is, why are they
all bloody well over here...
Oh...
Why can't they stay in Holland?!
Because there is no Holland,
there's just the top of a hill
near what was once Eindhoven.
Well, what sort of race is stupid
enough to have a country
below sea level.
I mean it's just asking for it!
I don't believe this.
"Oh, our country's not big enough,
we must build an extension
"out there on the sea. We are tall
and blond, everything will be fine."
I'm sorry, duchess,
I love you to death
but I can't bear the thought of you
with some dyke monkey.
Well, actually, that went
a bit better than I expected.
Don't forget to worm the goat!
What the...
Oh! Course, it's Tuesday.
- Some nice homemade fudge? Songs for food!
- We sing songs for food,
a sweet song for a sweet potato,
a salad for a ballad.
Thousands of English boys out there,
and she has to chose a cloggy.
Oh, actually the C word's
a bit offensive, so...
Some poxy little tulip-muncher.
So's that.
Listen, Mick, just go a bit easy,
because she likes this boy
and I think it'll be good
for her confidence
which has been a bit
shaky ever since her mum...
Dumped us for that rich git.
Well, I wouldn't put it
quite like that.
Well, she dumped us,
he's rich and he's a git.
Look, Granddad.
Says he's English.
You better get Delia a present.
Eh?
As an apology.
I can't believe you
didn't go to that party.
- Well, I...
- Madness.
He decided not to go.
Yes, on ethical grounds.
Oh, Jesus, not the ethical bollocks.
Well, some of us...
I thought after Bono was
eaten by those Ethiopians
I wouldn't have to listen
to that shit any more!
- Yes, well some of us feel...
- Can't hear, bad ear.
Some of us feel that morally...
Do you think we should run?
Run? No.
We're not criminals,
we're upright citizens...
Actually, yeah, let's run.
Those windmill bunnies - they'll
give her all sorts of diseases.
Oh, for...
Cholera,
yellow fever, Dutch elm disease...
No, Mick, that's trees. Look...
Here, want to buy some
crocodile skin shoes?
Have you got some?
Not yet.
No, naughty!
I mean, what have cloggies
ever given us?
Porn, Dutch caps
and one-eared painters.
I'm warning you,
you'll stink of herrings.
She will not stink of herrings!
You won't stink of herrings.
Why don't you say something?
Because he doesn't leave any gaps.
Listen, you have a voice,
so use it.
You need to stand up
and assert yourself, you need...
Oh, bloody hell!
Excuse me, excuse me...
How come the body's
on our side of the fence?
Is there one there too?
Yes, it's the same body.
No, that's not the old body.
I took that up the dump.
This is a different body.
Look, he's wearing a mac.
The face is the same.
But look,
this one hasn't got a moustache.
Maybe he's the twin brother
of the other body.
He probably died of shock
when he discovered his brother
had a heart attack.
Either that or
he was dragged here by an otter!
You put a mac on him,
you shaved off his moustache
and your threw him back over the
fence... threw him over the fence.
And what's more...
Is that a car?
That's Big Delia's car!
Oh, Jesus.
It's been nice knowing you!
I knew this would happen.
It'll be fine,
she's probably just passing.
Delia forced Sony Watkinson's mum
into prostitution.
I'm not sure how much
forcing there was.
Mick...
She was quite
prostitute-y already...
I'm told.
Talking of prostitutes,
let's be very careful not to make
any reference
to Delia's early career.
Right.
Or that of her mother.
- And grandmother.
- Grandmother?!
Yes, and her...
Whoa, stop right there,
what we don't know we can't say.
Oh, and nobody mention what
happened to her husband.
What did happen?
She topped him.
Yeah, well, we don't know that.
For all we know it was
a freak accident involving
a steam roller and lots of weasels.
Was that thunder?
No, Mick, that was you.
The main thing is to be confident.
What are you doing?
I'm never going
to remember all this
so I'm writing "murderer",
"weasels" and "whore" on my hand.
No, no, no, don't do that.
Area controller,
what a nice surprise.
Happy birthday for yesterday.
Sorry I didn't make it,
but I came down...
with a dose of... er... of, um...
of, er...
Syphilis.
Yes, syphilis.
Cup of tea?
Thank you,
and what's-his-face will have some.
Oh good, good. Oh there's no milk.
Kia would you fetch the...
What's that say, on her hand?
It says...
weasels, murderer and whore.
Weasels, murderer and whore?
Yes, it's, erm, a..
A law firm.
Yes, it's a law firm that she's
thinking of consulting. Kia, milk.
I hope you got the milk from one
of my approved outlets
and not some roadside
cloggy bastards.
Oh, absolutely, 100%.
How many cloggies does it take
to change a light bulb?
11. One to change the bulb
and ten to crew the submarine.
Here, I've been told
that some of them
are basically male prossies
targeting our women,
cos they don't see
our women as people
and of course,
a lot of their woman drowned.
Is that right?
Yeah.
Oh. I'll tell you what,
I'll ask what's-his-bollocks
here, cos he's Dutch.
Course, I've also heard that
some of these Dutch gentlemen
and their English lady friends
form loving and...
Leave!
Of course, yes.
And you. What's your name?
His name is Pyk.
Pyk Van Der Linden,
and he's my boyfriend.
Yes, er, actually, sweetheart,
that...
Or at least he was...
Actually, sweetheart...
until he got stolen by some...
whorey-faced whore...
Sweetheart...
No, I have a voice
and I am using it!
It's just now is not the right...
She is a barbaric monster!
You said so yourself.
I didn't!
She's not been well.
Syphilis?
No, not syphilis, no...
You, leave now.
Oh, and you don't have lovely eyes.
They're shit!
Kia, please...
Piss off, dyke monkey!
Top-up?
I know what you're thinking.
My poor darling Frank
barely cold in his grave,
and she's after hot Dutch cock.
No. I don't think you're after
hot... No, no, not at all, no.
Probably the grief.
Edward, you are perspicacity itself.
It is the grief, and
the grieving comes in many forms...
the binge eating,
the binge drinking,
the sex with fit young blokes.
I think it's going to take a long
time to work through the grieving.
Well, you can't rush grief.
Frank, God rest his soul,
would understand.
Cos through it all
there's a little bit of Frank
that's still here with me.
Well, the spirit of loved ones
does...
No, there's a little bit of Frank
still here with me in my handbag.
It's all they could find, after the
tragic accident with the weasels.
That must be very comforting.
Now, then, Edward, you didn't..
Sideways!
You didn't come to my party.
Incidentally, what Kia was..
It was great - we stoned a poacher.
Well, that sounds...
Cos in your absence, I was unable
to offer you an opportunity.
Opportunity?
In light of your former metier,
I want you to teach me
how to read and write.
You can't read and write?
No, obviously,
cos that's what I just said.
I'm not a moron, Edward,
cos you might have noticed I just
said "perspicacity" and "metier".
And they were very well used.
Hmm, I'm good with words,
I just can't understand the little
fuckers on a piece of paper.
Bish, bash, bosh, here we go.
So, my friend, where's it
hiding now?
Oh, thought it was there too.
Now, a real man isn't
going to stop there, is he?
And if I were to decline
this teaching opportunity,
would anything bad happen?
Who knows? Game of life
can play such cruel tricks.
Well, on reflection,
I'd like to accept your offer
of this arrangement.
Good boy.
Oh, by the way, don't tell anyone
about this, or I'll kill them.
Now is there anything
I can do for you?
No.
Drugs, batteries,
enemies eliminated?
Some nice homemade fudge?
Really, no.
You must want something.
No. No?
No, N-O!
N-O. You see, lesson one,
we've started!
Well, this has been lovely.
Do drop by any time.
Delia, we've just slaughtered
a... lamb.
We wondered
if you'd like the prime cut of rump.
A bit of dead sheep's arse.
Well, thank you!
That's a nice wind turbine.
Yes. Yes, it is.
But aesthetically...
aesthetically, I think it would look
better on top of Edward's house.
I'll get onto it.
Oh, hang about...
Boot!
What am I like?!
You see, if you'd turned me
down, Edward,
he'd have met with a...
Well, I don't have to spell it out
for you, do I?
Erm, no.
Good, cos I couldn't.
That was a joke!
About me being illiterate.
Keep up!
Good luck with the syphilis.
Here, if you're mates
with Big Delia,
why can't you get her
to fix me up with a dentist?
I am not mates with Big Delia.
All right, sweetie? Listen,
don't judge your Dutch chum
too harshly
because, you know, he may have
had to hook up with Delia
due to circumstances
beyond his control.
All right, I know you think
I'm Delia's bitch,
because that's
the expression you used,
but I can assure you...
What's all this?
Just some tokens
of everybody's admiration.
What?
On account of you being
Big Delia's bitch.
I am not Big Del...
Songs for food!
Oh, no.
Songs for food, sweet song
for a sweet potato, a salad...
OK, OK, you can have those turnips.
What song would you like?
No, no,
we don't want any music, thank you.
You've got to have a song.
OK, you choose, no singing.
I wish JLS would stop bothering us.
Ha-ha, I think
that toast might be done.
Listen, sweetheart,
I can assure you
that I have not entered into
an arrangement that is in any way...
tawdry or shameful.
I just can't tell you what it is
and I will be visiting her
twice a week..
Ah, Jesus!
This tooth's killing me!
What, what are you doing?
Um, I don't think that's a very...
Oh, you all right, princess?
You look a bit...
Well done, Kia,
that was very...
very... confident.