I'm so happy you picked this dress, Veruca!
You look beautiful. Doesn't she?
You guys, I'm getting married!
I'm getting married!
Not without your veil, you're not.
Where is that bad boy?
Oh, I think I left it upstairs.
Don't worry. I'll get it,
sis.
She is so annoying.
And so ugly.
She looks like Karl Malden.
I know, and she's gonna be
my sister-in-law in an hour!
How are you gonna deal with that?
I'm just gonna lay down the law for Danny.
We're seeing his goofy family as little as possible.
You sure he's gonna go along with that?
Danny doesn't say no to me.
Believe me, I have him well-trained.
So, tell us, what happened with Eric last night?
So, I told him if he wanted to stop the wedding,
he had to speak now or forever hold his peace.
And what'd he say?
He said he's never gonna settle down,
and I should just go ahead and marry Danny.
Did he give you a wedding present, huh?
You're so horny! Yeah.
I guess you could call it that.
You're so bad!
It's the last time, I swear.
Yeah, right!
Danny is so sweet and considerate.
And he's gonna be a cardiologist.
So, I'm marrying him
and that zucchini in the middle of his face.
His parents are disgusting, too!
Close your eyes when he's on top!
And your thighs!
Cuz, I'm so sorry.
Yikes, that hurt.
That was me, Danny Maccabee, 20 years ago.
Pathetic, huh?
So, I'm halfway done boozing away my sorrows,
when something pretty interesting happened.
Oh, baby, you're like a Pop Tart,
hot and sweet!
Hey, mami!
You must play the trumpet or something,
'cause you're making me feel all horny and stuff!
You dropped your purse.
Can I just sit for 10 seconds
and not get hit on? Thank you.
I was just letting you know you dropped your purse.
I'm sorry. I thought... That's fine, that's fine.
I'm sure you didn't meet the
lady who gave you that ring
in a meat market like this.
School cafeteria.
How long you been married?
I was gonna tell her, I really was.
But I didn't want her to know what a loser I was,
so I stretched the truth a little.
Six years.
Where's your wife tonight?
I stopped asking that question a long time ago.
That's terrible.
My wife says I work too much.
Trying to provide for her, her shopping addiction,
and crack.
Why don't you just leave her?
The children.
All 14 of them.
I just, I like to adopt,
and I don't wanna stop doing that.
You poor guy.
You wanna get outta here?
And so I discovered
the power of the wedding ring.
The symbol of my humiliation
had become a tool to get back on the horse.
Are you kidding me? Snuffleupagus!
I switched my specialty from
cardiology to plastic surgery,
got rid of the big honker,
and the ring became my thing.
I just assumed after we got married
she'd stop hooking, but...
You need to put this wedding band on a true heart.
This is a good moment.
Yeah. Should we go make it last,
for a while, somewhere?
Okay, let's go. To your dorm.
Sometimes I think about
throwing the ring into the ocean.
I know how wrong it is. But I can't.
It's my Precious.
Besides, being fake married
is the perfect way to make sure
I never get my heart broken again.
What are these?
Boobie bags.
The women, they stick them in their flat chesties,
make them big.
These are not the boobie bags that I ordered.
What is that?
It's like a syrup dispenser at an IHOP.
I don't know what that is.
Come on. These, they don't feel like these.
No... Seriously?
I just trying to learn.
Listen, Dr. Maccabee would
never accept subpar boobs.
Would you please just get me what I ordered
and tell Omar that I would like a
discount for the inconvenience?
Yes, ma'am. Thank you, Simon.
My 4:00 here? KATHERINE: Yeah.
Room one, Kirsten Brant. Don't laugh.
Well, I, uh... I had bad plastic surgery.
Should've known this doctor was a quack.
His office was in, like, a warehouse.
I see, I see.
Questions?
No, no. Just, please help me, Doctor.
Absolutely. It's usually easier
to do these things right the first time, but...
What? You seem dubious.
Hmm?
Oh, no, not at all.
I mean, I hear you're the best, Dr. Maccabee.
I don't know about that,
but I think we can figure something out here.
Relax, relax.
That's relaxed? Hmm.
Here, let me just pull it down for a sec.
And I let go. Okay, shoots right
back up there.
I'm sorry. Oh. Sorry about what?
Oh, my God! It's just...
That just really went right up there.
That was high. You gotta watch that.
It's gonna get caught in your hair.
I don't know, maybe I should just keep it like this.
It seems to make other people happy.
No. But, seriously, are you available
for my kid's birthday party?
That's too much. I'm sorry!
Let me give you a hug.
That's what you need first. We'll fix this.
Mmm.
Oh, God! Okay, I gotta...
I'm gonna excuse myself. I'm sorry.
Ding-dong!
Eddie's here. Hey. My cousin.
Oh.
Oh, my gosh.
Brows gone wild over here.
I'm actually digging it.
And what are you doing later?
Oh!
Oh, sorry, I'm kind of seeing
anybody else. There you go.
Oh, browch.
My gosh.
Look, I don't know who you're seeing,
but whoever they are,
they don't have what this guy's got down
there, you know what I mean?
All right, Eddie.
Yeah, it's a very good one. I should know, I installed it.
Oh, you had a penile enlargement?
Yes.
People really do that? That is hilarious!
See you on the 28th, Dr. Maccabee!
Dude, why are you telling everybody
about my surgery?
Am I hiding the secrets around here?
You don't think Katherine knows about this?
Katherine was in the room when I did that.
She held the magnifying glass.
I did. And the tweezer.
Real nice.
Did you get a chance to try it out yet?
Uh, yeah. I've banged it up.
It's got a couple dents. I'm not gonna lie.
Yeah. You did?
Not from a human.
It's got... From this doll I made.
Oh.
Hey, Adon. Yo, yo.
Danny! I am so happy you could be here!
How are you, baby? Did you bring any Botox?
I didn't bring the Botox. I brought my cousin, Eddie.
Nice to meet you, Eddie.
Is this a Halloween party?
Are you kidding me right now?
You got a little more work done, huh?
Yeah, just a little bit, just tweaking, tweaking.
Maintenance, maintenance.
I just wanna stay in the game, Danny.
I don't wanna hit home runs,
just some singles. That's all.
You gotta stop, though, I'm telling you.
Do you have any feeling in your face?
Just in this one spot right here.
And then from the eyebrows down, dead, dead.
Is that a car alarm?
He's laughing, he's laughing. Oh, okay.
I wanted to go to your cousin Danny here,
but he refused to do any work.
He didn't wanna put his fingers in the pie. Ooh!
It was getting dangerous. This amount...
You gotta slow it down.
Okay, see? That shouldn't be happening right now.
Adon! Adon, Adon, Adon!
Ariel cut open his knee. It looks awful.
What happened? Settle, settle.
What do you expect me to do about it?
It's bleeding. You know what? I could stitch him up.
Why don't you go get me my bag? All right.
So, you fell down the stairs, huh?
Yeah.
Mmm-hmm.
Did you trip over something?
Was there a skateboard there, or...
No, I was distracted by something.
What distracted you?
A girl.
A girl, okay. Was it your mother?
No!
'Cause she just looks good.
That's your stepmom. I can talk like that.
All right. This is lidocaine. Don't think about it.
Ow!
Don't think about it. Think about your face.
Good, good.
Blonde, brunette, redhead?
Blonde, tan, tall, rocking body.
Nipples.
Want me to numb something else for you?
You're getting a little nutty over there.
No! No, I'm good. I'm good.
I'm alive! I'm alive, everybody!
Good job, Doctor. That was really nice.
The distraction, I'm guessing.
The what?
The boy was distracted. That's why he fell.
So, I'm taking the rap for this.
Yes. Your hotness basically pushed
him down the stairs.
Good luck proving that in court, Wisengruber.
Wisengruber? Is that what they're saying
on the Gossip Girl nowadays?
I knew you two would eventually find each other!
But be careful, Palmer, these plastic surgeons,
they really know how to operate.
Yeah, all right, Adon. All right.
I just don't know about plastic surgery.
I mean, doesn't it always look so fake?
Depends who's doing it. I'm pretty
good at it. I'm telling you.
Some of my patients are here tonight. Oh, really?
Really, really. Look around,
see if you can find someone decent-looking.
How 'bout her?
The lady from Saw?
Fine. Who did you do?
All right. I hate to rat the guy out,
but see that guy over there?
You mean Sexy Ass?
Before I met him, he was No Buns Bobby.
Really?
His back went straight to his legs. No kidding.
He'd go to the bathroom,
he'd slide right in the toilet.
I know, I know, that's really romantic, isn't it?
So, North Carolina, how long
have you lived here in LA?
I've been here almost two years.
Uh-huh. That's a lot of auditioning for you.
You think I'm an actress?
I guarantee you're an actress.
Well, guess again, Doc. I teach sixth grade math.
They got no schools in North Carolina to teach at?
My parents divorced.
Had a pretty nasty one, actually,
when I was in the eighth grade. Mmm-hmm.
And... I don't know. I got tired of picking sides, so...
Okay. I thought I'd make a change
and, yeah, move out to LA.
You came to the right place.
No one gets divorced in LA.
Mmm-hmm.
I've never hung out with a girl your age. This is nice.
Oh, no. Your first lie to me.
You're good. All right.
I've never hung out with a girl your age and
connected the way we are right now.
Actually, I've never connected with,
I don't think any girl at any age.
See? I can tell when you're lying
and when you're telling the truth. Oh.
Yeah. The second thing I said was the truth.
I know.
Oh, my God. That was the greatest night of my life.
Yeah. This feels like it could be...
I don't know, a real thing.
It's a thing all right, Palmer.
Well, I have to get to work,
but how 'bout I take your number
and then you can take me out
on a proper date next time?
I got a business card in my pocket
if you wanna get that.
You better call.
You better not just, just leave me hanging.
I'd get it for you myself,
but I don't want you to see me naked in the daylight.
It could be a deal breaker.
What's this?
A circle?
A wedding ring? You're married?
No, no, no, I'm not, I'm not married.
That is a... That is... That's not mine.
Whose wedding ring is in your pants, Danny?
All right, listen, just give me a minute to explain this.
Please.
It's gonna take more than a minute.
I am such an idiot!
No, no, no, no, no.
Don't call me!
No, Palmer!
I told you that this whole fake marriage thing
was just gonna come and bite you in the ass.
Why don't you just tell her the truth?
You think I can tell her the truth?
Let me practice. You be her right now.
Oh, good. Okay, hold on.
Okay. She's not like that, but anyways.
Um, I wear this fake wedding ring sometimes...
You're a pig.
Sorry. You're a pig.
What's wrong? You're walking really weird.
My back. I slept on the beach last night.
God Almighty.
When are you gonna strengthen your spine?
Seriously, Flomax.
You gotta work out more than once a month.
I can't, I don't have time to work out.
You do. You can't say that, Danny.
My mother always said Cary Grant
never went to the gym.
Only took the stairs, every day, never an elevator.
You wanna hear my impression
of Cary Grant's butler? Nuh-uh.
Watch. What?
Hello? No, he's dead.
Okay, bye-bye.
That's good. That's funny.
Mom, give me some money.
Hi. How are you?
Nice to see you, kids.
Please be polite and say hello to Dr. Maccabee.
'Ello, Dr. Danny.
'Ow is you today?
Is that my associate, Dr. Doolittle?
Why is she talking like that?
She's been working on some accents.
I am takin' an acting class this summer, I is.
Gonna be the next Miley Cyrus, I am.
How 'bout you, young man? Do
you like Hannah Montana?
No. I like Californication.
When do you ever watch Californication?
Rosa lets us watch Showtime
when she calls her boyfriend.
Eat the mushroom! Eat the mushroom! Yes!
Mmm. You run a tight ship at home, huh?
Dr. Danny?
Yeah?
Will you take me to Hawaii so
I can swim with the dolphins?
Take you to Hawaii? No.
I saw a show on the Discovery Channel.
They say in Hawaii they have dolphins
that you can swim with if you pay money.
Okay.
But I don't have any money. And
my mom says you're rich.
Michael! No, it's fine.
Maybe you should make your own money.
Maybe a paper route or something like that?
'Cause rich people don't give other people trips.
That's why they remain rich. You understand?
But my mom says you do charity for kids all the time.
I do charity work like I fix a cleft
lip or a child's deformity.
I don't take them to Hawaii.
I could get arrested for that.
What if I was deformed? Then
would you take me to Hawaii?
If you were deformed, I'd bring you to Hawaii,
but I'd leave you there, 'cause
I wouldn't want to look at you.
Okay. Here's the money, and I want change.
And I wanna hear back
that you actually ate the food that I am paying for.
Mom, before we go, can I make a Devlin?
Sure. Down the hall. Will you please go with him?
We open in five minutes and I am
not having him sit there forever.
Bloody hell right, I will, Mumsy!
All right, Winston Churchill.
He said, "I gotta make a Devlin."
What does that mean? Uh...
It's just a friend of mine who
was in my sorority in college
named Devlin Adams, and...
Well, I wouldn't say friend. I'd say more my nemesis.
Oh, so she was a frenemy? Yes.
You'd probably like her. She's really, really fake.
Ah.
Always had to have the coolest clothes
and the hottest boys and, you know...
She bothers you. A lot.
So, one night, I was just having a glass of wine.
A bottle. A bottle.
And, uh...
And I just got so tired of the kids saying things like,
"I gotta take a crap.
"I gotta take a dump."
So, I told them that it was called "making a Devlin,"
and they liked it.
And it stuck.
I always call it making a black pickle.
Making a what? I don't say that.
Out loud? Good. To others. No.
What are we gonna do about my love life, though?
Oh, Danny, I would feel terrible for you if I had any,
even the slightest, investment in you
successfully banging 23-year-olds.
Holy Devlin, you're not listening to me.
This is like not some bull-Devlin fling.
I mean, I'm serious.
This is the real Devlin. I could...
I swear to God, I could see myself
ending up with this girl.
Oh.
You're right. You can't tell her the truth.
High score!
Oh, God. Sorry.
I'm glad someone's doing good.
You know what? You don't wanna get serious,
'cause when you get serious, that leads to marriage,
and then marriage leads to divorce,
and divorce is just...
I mean, look at these poor kids.
You know, their dad was supposed
to pick them up today.
He was a no-show? Again.
But you know what?
At least I got my head together and I divorced him.
Yeah, yeah.
Wait a minute.
You go ahead without me.
Oh, no, no, no.
Palmer, Palmer, Palmer, Palmer, Palmer.
I told you I didn't want to see you.
I just want to explain something to you.
Let me explain something to you.
I do not date married men.
My father cheated on my mom when I was young.
I am not going to be the other woman!
Adulterer! Fornicator!
All right, take it easy, Damien, all right?
Okay, his name is Silas, leave him out of this.
I'll kill you.
What? Anytime!
Listen! I am married.
But it is a horrible marriage.
She doesn't even talk to me anymore.
Danny, that's what all married men say.
If it's so bad, why don't you get divorced?
I am.
You are? Yes! It's over.
Oh, my God, I can't believe this.
I destroyed a marriage!
I really feel like I'm gonna be sick. I can't...
No, no, it wasn't 'cause of you!
I filed a long, long time ago.
We're gonna sign the papers in a couple of days
and it's like, she's dead to me.
What's her name?
Mrs. Maccabee.
You mean her first name? Her first name is Devlin.
Her name's Devlin?
Isn't that a shitty name? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But Devlin and I are splitting up, fortunately,
'cause I caught her cheating on me with another guy.
I didn't catch her.
The television show Cheaters caught her and the guy.
And I told them not to air it, though,
because it's too painful.
They actually burned the tape so you can't see it.
But I would love you to.
There's another man?
There's another guy, yes. Dolph.
Dolph?
Dolph Lundgren. Yeah.
Like the guy from Rocky IV?
No, no, a different Dolph Lundgren.
Apparently, if you bring that one up,
this one gets really angry, so don't.
Danny, guys always say they're
gonna leave their wives.
They never do.
I'm telling you, she's happy with this Dolph guy,
good for her. Now I wanna be happy.
And the only way I can be happy is if I'm with you!
All right?
Just wanna be able to be with you
and not be called a "fornicator"
or an "adulterer" or whatever that
Children of the Corn kid was calling me.
Okay.
Okay?
I just need to hear it from her.
How about if she texts you, would that be good?
I need to meet her.
Let's do it.
You want me to be
your wife? DANNY: Uh-huh.
And you couldn't think of another
name, other than Devlin?
I practically took a Devlin in my
pants when she asked me.
"What's her name?" I got panicked.
I get nervous around this girl.
You got panicked?
You who invents a fake wife every Friday night?
Yeah. Doesn't that say something
about what I feel about this girl?
Have you ever thought about the time
that she's actually gonna walk
into your office... Uh-huh.
...and sees that I'm your assistantlreceptionist?
So easy. I'm a plastic surgeon,
you will never look like you again.
Snip, snap. Chip, chap. What are you talking about?
I'm kidding. I'll get you a fake mustache.
Oh, my God, you've really, really
not thought this through.
Will you please just look at some clothes?
Look at that. I don't wear...
I have clothes, by the way.
I do not need to do any of this. I'm fine.
Yes. You have the best clothes that Old Navy sells.
I'm just saying you gotta look
like a plastic surgeon's wife.
I want to create the illusion I had a hot first wife.
You're so... Not this!
Okay, come on, let's go, you asked for it.
I'm ready.
Wow! These are... Oh, geez.
Nice, nice.
It's just been a while since I've been in heels, sorry.
Okay, okay. Oh, gosh. Okay.
Get there. Yeah, great.
Oh, my God! These are gorgeous!
How much are these? $1,700.
$1,700? What, do you come with them?
My parents' house costs $1,700. No, no.
No. What, did Mickey Mantle sign those?
Why are they $1,700, they made outta panda?
Walk away. Yeah. You know what?
We won't really be needing them anyway.
'Cause I'm actually starting to...
I'm actually starting to feel not
so hot. Is it warm in here?
Whoo. I'm not sure I'll be able to make it this evening.
Very good. Okay, you know what? We'll take them.
It's your Christmas bonus. Oh, really?
Okay, then I would like them in blue, too.
In case a heel breaks or I just want to cuddle.
It's beautiful. You sicken me.
Yes, well, that's why we're getting a divorce.
We're getting a divorce because you're
greedy, schemy and selfish.
Actually, I think you need to
get the matching bag, too.
Yeah, I think I should.
Mmm. Thank you, Laurie. I agree.
All the girls are sticking together. Isn't that sweet?
Mmm-hmm. She's on your side, what a shock.
You asked for this. Trust me.
Uh-huh. You asked for this.
No.
No.
Hell, no! No, no, no!
What do you mean, no?
No? No what?
No hope. Okay? There's only one word for it.
What is it? Neglect.
Okay? This is the one word
for the whole thing. Are you the husband?
I'm the soon to be ex-husband.
We're getting a divorce.
Well, you know he's not divorcing you.
He's divorcing your head.
True 'dat, Ernesto. Right on the money.
Your hair is so messed up, I don't even...
Let me count the ways.
It's dull, it's dead, it's flat.
Don't forget smelly.
It don't smell, particularly...
Okay, I think we got it. You bad.
You is bad. Give me a little bit. That's bad, though.
You guys, come on, seriously.
Ernesto, can you just, please
do something, so we can be home
and I can get out of here?
Hurricane Katrina could do something, baby.
I'm gonna do something transcendent.
Katya! Yuri, Mrs. Hwiggins!
We going in deep, y'all.
You seem nervous, Danny.
No, no, I just...
It's weird, she gets me very tense.
I'm sorry to put you through this.
No, I understand why we're doing this.
I'm just looking forward to getting
past this part of my life
and moving on to the good part.
We will. Soon. Tonight.
Good God, yes.
Is that her?
I think so.
She's stunning.
I love her shoes.
Yeah, well, she got about five pairs of them.
Maybe she'll give you one.
Henderson!
Do you see Dr. Maccabee anywhere in this...
Oh! There he is.
Keep the car running, shan't be long.
Hello, boring!
Hey. You went with a limo driver?
I'm just playing the part.
Okay.
Palmer! Hi.
Devlin Maccabee. Soon to be, single-abee.
Waiter! Excuse me. Anybody?
Yes, yes. Something to drink, madam?
Well, hello.
I would like a tall glass of you.
Is that possible? Meow!
I'm just kidding. Unless you're really into it.
Kidding again. No, I'm not.
We don't know. Grey Goose martinis,
just keep 'em coming. Okay. Ooh!
Make that a dirty martini. Okay?
Okay, that was a good one.
Well, so, Palmer.
I heard you and Danny had sex.
Yes. I am so sorry, I had...
Please, honey, it is fine.
I'm just happy to hear that his thing-a-ding
can still ring-a-ding.
'Cause he's got a serious small issue
with ED. Over here.
Okay.
What's ED? I don't...
Oh, gosh. I forgot. You're fifteen.
Erectile dysfunction, my darling.
Think about it as if
you're trying to throw darts and you just...
All you really got, you're shooting with,
like, overcooked spaghetti.
Okay. Yeah.
I just think that my spaghetti wasn't loving
the meatballs that was being served.
They were a little too lumpy. Oh.
I've heard from a lot of men that I serve
the finest meatballs in Southern California.
Of course. A lot of homeless men have said this.
They'll eat anything, you know.
I'm just very shocked that you remember
anybody you've ever been with.
With all the pills that are in your system.
She likes the pills, this one.
At night I come home, "What's for dinner?"
"Well, we have purple pills, and the green ones
"and some lovely yellow bombers
"I just took out of the oven."
Remember that?
I had to do something to amuse myself
while this one sat on the throne for hours
dealing with his irritable bowel syndrome.
I got another disease. Okay.
Can I tell you, I spent the eve of our wedding
sitting on the bed,
listening to what sounded like
an underwater symphony,
of French horns and bassoons
coming out of our hotel bathroom.
Mix that with the smell of like
a dead cat and some fajitas
and you've got what you call yourself
a severely diminished libido.
Ow!
Did you just kick me?
No. Did you? You kicked her?
Why'd you kick her?
Yeah, I don't... I... Yes. I... I have leg spasms.
Ow!
It's a side effect.
Terrible side effect from all the pill popping.
But, you know, it's all better now.
I'm clean and sober and I apologize.
It's okay.
Thirteenth step, right there. Back to drinking.
Oh, Henderson, you thoughtless oaf,
stop texting, open that door.
Why do you keep calling me
Henderson? Just go with it.
Palmer, so lovely to meet you.
Likewise, really.
I mean, look at you two.
I mean, it's like, Barbie and...
Yes.
...Grandpa Ken.
I mean... And even though it did not work out
between us at all...
It's like it never happened. You know?
It really isn't.
I still want my Danny to be happy. Oh, look at that.
Happy, happy, happy.
Good night, kiddo. Okay.
Hello.
It's her drug dealer I'm thinking.
Okay, please put her on the phone right now.
Are you kidding me, honey?
You know how I feel about
you selling your brother's stuff on eBay.
Hey, hey, hey. Take that in the car.
No. It's okay.
I will deal with you when I get
home, young lady. Okay.
I mean, you would think...
You have kids?
Hmm? Hmm?
You have... You have children?
We have sort of a little bit...
A little bit of children, right?
When were you planning on telling me
about these children, Danny?
I don't know, but listen,
I have to go get to those little munchkins.
Palmer, so nice, seriously.
Danny.
No, no, no, hey, hey.
Okay.
Are you freaked out right now about all this or...
Actually, just the opposite.
The opposite of freaked out?
What do you mean? Good?
You know that I love kids.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I just never pegged you as a kids guy.
I'm a huge kids guy. I love kids.
Kids, kids, kids. Is...
Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's my thing.
That's my bumper sticker.
What are their names?
What are their names again? There is
the girl who, of course, is Kiki Dee.
And then the boy's name's Bart.
Which of course is short for Barto.
Well, I wanna meet them!
Of course you do.
So our mom doesn't
know that you took us today?
Not yet.
You know this is kidnapping.
Stranger danger.
What? No.
Is the guy from Dateline NBC gonna walk in?
No! I know you two a long time and Rosa's here.
Doing whatever that Rosa does.
God, she's freaky. DANNY: Yeah.
So here's the deal.
How would you like to be my pretend children
for one afternoon?
Why don't you just tell that poor girl the truth?
You know?
Our mother tells us everything.
Wedding ring boy.
What? Oh, my goodness!
Did you see Gossip Girl last night? It was so good!
No, she's not like that.
Your mother's presenting her in a weird, weird way.
I'm just saying, telling the truth
is not in the cards right now.
I thought you'd be excited to have an acting job.
If it's an acting job, we should get paid.
Yeah, you're gonna get paid in experience.
I wanna actually get paid.
All right, what do you want?
$600 for the day,
plus overtime if we go over eight hours.
I'll do my own hair and makeup.
And I want you to pay for the six-week
intensive acting camp
that my mom can't afford.
$50 for the day and a two-week acting
class at the YMCA nearest you.
$500 and a four- week acting class.
$300 and a three-week class.
Done.
I would have done it for $500.
I would have done it for the experience.
Michael, you're up. Opener?
I want you to take me to Hawaii
so I can swim with the dolphins.
You're not gonna let that one go, are you?
We're not going to Hawaii, pal. Anything else?
Find someone else then.
Ooh, the Mafia stare down. Very good, Michael.
We're here to negotiate.
Do you have anything else you might like?
I want a flying pony.
I want a flying pony too, Michael, but they don't exist.
Then I want a regular pony. And
I want to name him Nelson.
How about a Playstation 3 and we name him Nelson?
Keep talking.
We'll include four video games.
Five games.
And I want the meeting with blondie
to be at J.D. McFunnigan's.
How 'bout Charlie Choo-Choo's
'cause it's right down the street from me.
Mention that slop-hole again and I walk.
All right, take it easy, son. Take it easy.
And I want unlimited tokens.
If I can spend 'em, I wanna have 'em.
I don't wanna be like playing Skee-Ball
and all of a sudden run out of tokens.
All right, I can make that happen.
So do we have a deal?
Deal.
Deal's off unless you eat that pizza, though. Seriously.
Can I do an accent?
Let me hear some. 'Ello!
No. Okay.
My kids? Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you kidding me right now?
You're the one who picked up your cell phone.
That is not...
Mrs. Harrington...
The doctor will see you now.
I can't believe you're doing all of
this just so you can get some.
It's just gross. You're just pathetic.
I'm not trying to get some. I already got some.
And yes, I'd like to continue getting some.
I'm pro me getting some.
Have a seat right there, Mrs. Harrington.
Remove your shirt, if you could.
I smell something. You smell something?
I smell perfume.
Is that coming from you?
Maybe.
What, you got a date or something?
I don't have a date. I have a lunch.
You got a lunch? Who you got a lunch with?
Dr. Gervitz's office manager,
if you must know everything.
His name is Brian.
The guy with the gray soul patch?
You know what?
Hey, man, I'm Brian.
You're mean!
Wow, you wanna go to lunch sometime?
Is he gonna take you there right after the big protest?
Hey, man, we gotta stop these squirrels.
He plays bass, don't he?
You can take the brassiere off, too.
And by the way, he does play the bass.
And he writes songs.
What does he write songs about,
how bad his ponytail stinks?
Mrs. Harrington, could you put your
hands on your hips, please?
Okay, so, one of the funbags
is not having too much fun.
All right, what happened anyways?
Well, I hit it with the car door yesterday... Right.
...and I heard a pop
and then some sloshing sound when I walk.
Yeah. I think.
What are you doing?
Could be the kids or could be Brian.
Okay. Stop that.
Do you mind just for one second?
Let me just talk to this guy.
Stop!
Yeah.
Hello? Yeah, man!
Brian? You can lie down.
Yeah, hi! We sure are.
Yeah, no, sushi would be groovy.
Okay, I'll see you at 1 :00 in the lobby.
Okay, bye.
What voice was that?
That was my voice.
Really?
I didn't sound like that.
One o'clock...
You're excited about this guy, huh?
Mrs. Harrington, this is numbing
cream for your nipples, okay?
Oh. Oh, okay.
It's gonna be one afternoon.
Why are we making such a big deal out of this?
Because you know what? You're
trying to get my kids involved
in your dysfunctional, sick little,
pathetic, twisted web of lies.
When I was negotiating with your son, Michael,
he had the biggest smile I've
ever seen on anyone's face.
When I told him we could do it at J.D. McFunnigan's,
the kid looked like he won the Heisman Trophy,
I'm not kidding you.
I think that's enough. Do you feel that?
No.
No, but do you feel that?
No. We're good.
By the way, did you make this?
Mmm-hmm.
We'll have to give it to the Smithsonian
when we've done the operation. Terrific job.
Did he really smile?
Swear to God, like the cutest little smile.
And I got Maggie to eat.
You did? Yeah.
Pizza. Deep dish. Three pieces.
I can't get her to eat anything.
I know you can't. Don't do this for me.
Do it for the children.
Yeah! Oh, stop!
Come on, you're late!
What are you, in character right away?
Come on, let's go!
She's inside.
What is that?
What?
Did Victoria Beckham have a yard
sale? Why are you wearing that?
Are you kidding me?
This is what you bought for me.
I know, I know. I'm just saying is it...
All right, we're stuck with it,
I just think it's a little over the top, but...
Thanks. Happy to be here to help you.
The first rule of improv is always
accept the information.
If someone says something, just go with it.
No negating.
Gotcha. That sounds good, that's smart.
In my acting class, when someone
says "No" in a scene,
the whole class yells, "Die!"
No. I mean, no one will say "no" then.
Don't yell "die."
Who's up for some warm-up exercises?
No, honey, I'm not gonna do that. The what?
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips.
The tip of the tongue, the teeth, the lips.
I got one for you. Shut up!
All right, let's go already. Are you ready there, Mafia?
Hell, yeah. Let's do it!
Stinks.
Smells like kids' feet and like skidmark underwear.
Mmm. Happy Father's Day.
Oh! Jeez!
Mommy! That man put his pee-pee on my face!
What?
He put his face on my pee-pee. Danny!
I'm saying he's the one. I don't think it matters.
No, I get you.
Oh, oh! Palmer, darling.
Hi.
Devlin. Thank you so much for bringing the kids today.
I don't think she was the only one who brought them.
You know what I'm saying? They are my pride and joy.
So I'd like to introduce you to, the one and only,
Kiki Dee, who came out at nine pounds four ounces.
Yeouch.
And then the whopper, we call him, Bart,
because he was a 1 2-pounder and did some damage.
Okay. So...
Hi, you guys.
Hello, Palmer.
Heard so much about you.
You're British?
So you're the bird what's been given
Daddy the ol' slap and tickle?
We sent her to boarding school last year in England.
See? So she picked up a slight accent.
It's, you know, very Madonna.
Well, it is a pleasure meeting you, Kiki Dee.
Wish I could say the same.
You see, before you, I had meself a father.
I was the apple of his eye.
It was all giggling and chasing butterflies
in the meadows, and what have you.
And now what do I got?
An hour and a half every other week
at J.D. McFunnigan's with him and his whore.
Koko! Kiki! Kiki!
God, she's in such pain.
No, that's the pills that...
She took some out of her mother's bureau.
Are you...
All right, let me go see her.
How are you doing, sweetie?
I'll be better when I start seeing some tokens.
He's American.
Excuse me. Yo! What was that all about?
That was raw and real and in the moment.
You know, I feel very good about it.
You do? Well, I don't!
So if you wanna get your money
and your acting classes,
you better start doing things right from now on.
No more sob stories.
And we're stuck with the English accent now, Ringo,
so commit to it. Don't choke, got it?
Got it.
Now hug me and laugh
and let's get back into the show.
Okay. Papa!
You're not a whore, Palmer.
Okay.
That's so nice. See what they do, they fight,
then they make up and it's good.
Good. We're doing good.
Are you kidding me?
Got a hamburger here for Bart, Art the Water Fart.
Here you go, kid.
Look at that, sweet!
And two quesadillas for Kiki Sneaky
With a Side of Freaky.
Here's the waters. No soda for you.
You're battling diabetes, remember? Huh?
Kiki Dee?
I got you two quesadillas 'cause it's your
favorite food so you have to eat it.
Well, yes! And that's why I'm going
to eat every single bit of it.
All right, let's see.
Yummy!
Thank you.
Hey, I think we forgot napkins.
We did? Okay. Well let me get the napkins.
Because I know she's not gonna get up and do it
because she doesn't like to get up and do anything.
Oh, nice.
Everybody be cool.
So, Bart, your dad tells me you
like to go to the bathroom.
When I feel it, I do it.
What else do you like?
I don't know.
That's our Bart.
He's a man of very few words.
Ah. Okay.
Maybe I'm upset.
Upset about me and your father dating?
No. You seem to make my dad
happy and that's cool, but...
But what?
Nothing.
Hey, I want you to feel comfortable
telling me anything.
Well, I just hate that he broke his promise to me.
What promise?
Yeah, what promise?
He promised me last year that
he would take me to Hawaii
to swim with the dolphins.
They have this lagoon there with dolphins
and people get to swim with them.
What are you doing?
But without warning, my dad canceled the trip.
Why would he do that?
He met you.
He what?
No! Die!
No, no, no, no, no, no! I'm saying that did not...
You misread what I said.
I said we have to go to Hawaii earlier.
Because I'm excited for all of us to hang out there.
We're going to Hawaii!
I can't believe I let a six-year-old blackmail me.
I saw my shot and I took it.
You're angry at yourself
'cause you got us into this whole situation.
I did? You really did.
I think old Mary Poppins with the,
"You can't say no. You can't say no, Guv'nor."
Okay, listen, my tolerance
for these continued shenanigans is right here.
And if it gets up to here, I'm taking my kids,
I'm selling you out and I'm going home.
I am so happy we are doing this, Danny.
Are you kidding me? We're going to Hawaii,
we're gonna swim with dolphins.
It's gonna be so much fun. I was just telling the squirt.
And Seventeen magazine.
You brought that for these guys or is that for you?
It's mine. It's my favorite.
See that? Did you ever read that magazine?
Thirty years ago you did.
And hopefully we're gonna have
time together, right, sweetie?
Wait! Wait!
Danny, wait!
Muffinstein, I could not stand to be without you.
Uh-oh!
Is this him?
I see the Colonel von Generous
right here in front of me.
Okay, I'm confused right now.
I'm so sorry. I've not introduced myself,
we have talked on the phone,
but I am the Dolph Lundgren.
Devlin's man-friendl love monkey.
Oh, kill me now.
Devlin said you had to stay back and work.
I did. She what said?
Nein, nein to the work.
I will work when I am kaput.
You know, I think this is so great
of all of you, so mature.
I would have loved if my parents
had done something like this
when they got divorced.
That's why I was thinking we
should have the man come.
Yeah, I'm glad. I'm glad.
It's important for the children
to see us as a unit.
And also I cannot stay away from this potato pancake.
She loves the schnitzel, you know what I mean?
You know what? Tongue feels a little dry.
Let's go get you some water, honey. We'll be back.
That's a big tongue, big tongue.
Get over here, get over here. Ew!
What are you doing here?
I don't know, saving the day. Helping. Hello?
Who are you talking to? What are you looking at?
I can't see in these things.
This is what you're gonna do.
You're gonna tell them that you ate a
bad sauerkraut omelet for breakfast
and that you are feeling like you're
sick and that you gotta go.
Katherine, I can't go. Okay? Why?
Because I texted a picture of my new
equipment to my ex-girlfriend.
Oh, you're disgusting.
And I forgot she's engaged to a UFC fighter.
He wants to punch me in the face.
I wanna punch you in the face.
Hey, guys, how we doing?
I am just waiting for the money for the ticket.
Mmm-hmm. So you are coming? And I am paying?
Yes. Dolph has zero dollars.
Whoops! Okay.
Let me see if I can find my credit card.
Oh, here it is.
That's for sleeping with my wife, pal.
There you go. Thank you.
Hey, hey!
Didn't have time to make any reservations,
but I need two rooms, please.
Oh, of course.
Unfortunately, we only have our suites left.
Oh, boy.
The Waldorf Astoria at $8,000 per night
and the Presidential at $12,000.
$12,000 a night? Mmm-hmm.
Do the Rolling Stones come and
play for me while I'm in there?
What the hell are you talking
about? Why is it so much?
Is it made out of panda?
I've used that somewhere else, but is it?
No, but you've made some terrific suggestions
and I'm gonna jot them down.
Are you a member of the Hilton
Honors Rewards program?
No, I'm not.
Oh. That's too bad. You should join.
Yeah.
Yay!
Just got reamed. I mean, I got the rooms.
Who wants to go to the beach?
Me!
Who wants to start drinking?
Me!
Okay, yeah,
I would create a fake family for that. Oh, my God!
You know what? You're disgusting.
Mumsy, please do come in.
The water's as lovely as Westminster in May.
No, honey, I'm good.
I don't really feel like swimming right now.
What is this from, my Liebchen?
Don't you be intimidated by
her whole thing right there,
which is perfect.
Oh, come on. Like she's intimidated.
I hope when I'm her age I look that good.
Yes, right?
You can look that good
if you don't take the elevators
and only take the stairs like Cary Grant.
Take the stairs. Take the stairs.
Hey, why are we stopped here?
Uh, what's the matter?
I can't look at engagement rings?
Engagement rings? Yeah, you heard me.
Look all you want, but you and I both know that
you're gonna get sick of this hottie
and you're gonna be back on the prowl next week.
Nope. I'm telling you, is this girl not cute?
Yeah, she's really cute.
Is she not the sweetest?
The nicest person I've ever met.
Did you ever see her lips?
I think she has the best lips I've ever seen.
They're like an inner tube and I just wanna sit on it.
You know what I mean? And just, like...
Do you want me to knock you out, or...
No, I'm saying you should sit on her lips.
Anyways...
You know, this whole situation reminds me of a song.
Danny is a big plastic surgeon
Who never had time for a wife
And he's friends with Davy Who's still in the Navy
Piano Man? Why Piano Man?
No, it's "Piano Dan."
That's based on your life. It's a little Eddie remix.
Uh-huh.
Eddie used to have an afro And
pimples all over his face
So he popped and he poked 'em
And Clearasil soaked 'em
But ladies still greet him with mace
I was maced one time.
Five times.
So, guys, we're here to get to know each other better.
Yes. Yeah.
Dolph, let's start with you.
So, what line of work are you in?
Well, Palmer, I am in sheep.
I'm sorry. I don't know what you mean.
I am a sheep shipper.
Oh. Yes.
You know, people, they don't buy the sheep
from the local sheepherder anymore.
Really? They don't?
No, they don't. They go online!
Yes! They go on the Interweb,
to my website, gotprettysheep.com.
And leave this, please. Thank you.
Now, people go on. They see the pictures of the sheep,
and they pick the ones they want.
You know, it's like, "I want that one.
"You know, it's very stylish. You
know, it's a stylish one."
Goes, "Oh, no, I want the shy
one who doesn't want to baa."
Or they buy the sassy one,
who's like, "Hey, I see you, baa, baa."
So, what do the people do with these sheep?
Whatever they want! Sky is the limit.
You know, some have them as pets.
Some have them as security for the house.
A lot of the people...
The new thing is training them
to fight each other in the Sheep Fight Club.
Sheep Fight Clubs?
Yes. All the sheeps, they get together.
They baa, all you hear is, "Baa, baa, baa."
And then you see hoof, kick, hoof, kick,
hoof, kick, baa, baa, baa, baa, baa!
And then he's out.
And that is how we met. She bought a sheep from me.
Really? Why?
Children? Okay, tune out.
Okay, 'cause some secrets are coming
out, all right? Some adult ones.
She likes to shave the sheep
for the pelt for the sex, sexuals, yes.
She has got a real fetish
for the wool and stuff, you know.
We do this thing called "sheepstenein."
Danny? Would you come with me, please?
Yeah. Absolutely.
So, we're gonna leave right now.
So you guys play that game
that we always love to play,
Nobody Talk game.
And start now.
I'm sorry, we're leaving. I can't do it. No.
I'm gonna kill that guy. He's lost it.
He was going sheep-crazy, I'll give you that.
Where is your hand right now?
You wanna see where it is?
It's not even here anymore! It's gone!
How about I beat him up?
You can beat him up with me. It'll be fun.
I don't want to! I have to go.
Don't bail on me right now! Don't
make that face at me.
I cannot stand that face.
Katherine?
Katherine Murphy?
Oh, my God, Devlin Adams.
Devlin? Devlin as in taking a...
Taking? From what I see...
It's my favorite college Devlin!
Both of us here at this resort at the same time.
I didn't know you came to places like this.
Here we go.
Honey!
Honey, I want you to meet someone.
This is one of my best friends from my sorority.
Katherine, this is my husband, lan Maxtone Jones.
Pleasure.
You might've heard of him. He invented the iPod.
Well, of course he did. The iPod.
The idea just came to me in the shower.
A shower that I was taking with Devlin.
So, this is a cabana you guys
got yourselves here, huh?
Because my skin is so white.
I don't like to get it burned.
Even at night?
Well, in Hawaii, you never know with the sun.
Very, very strong.
So you mean like a moonburn or...
You look fantastic. Oh...
You look great.
I'm so glad you got your teeth fixed. Much better.
You are just the same glorious Devlin that I remember.
Oh, my God, I ran into Sandra Wernick last month.
The poor thing. She's already
divorced and she has a child.
She's a single mother. It's a disaster.
I feel so bad for her.
Are you married?
Mmm-hmm. Yes.
Oh! I've neglected to introduce you to Danny,
Daniel Leroy Maccabee Ill, my husband.
Yes. If you want me to stay,
will you just go with it, honey?
Come here and please meet Devlin and lan.
Hey. This is Daniel.
IPod, what's up? How are you?
I'm fine.
Invented it. Pleasure. I heard.
Devlin, I think I spoke about you with my wife
in the bathroom one or two times, right?
We did.
Number two.
We did it twice, yes.
So, chief, tell me, what do you do for a living?
I'm also an inventor, just like you.
I invented the barking hand.
I got you. But you're sunburned?
No. What?
You are a surgeon.
He's a plastic surgeon, and he's one of the best
according to Los Angeles Magazine.
Touchdown!
Yes. Well, that, yeah.
Touched it down.
We gotta go back. We have to
run. It was great to see you.
We have to get back to our kids. So...
You have kids?
Mmm-hmm. Yeah, two, actually.
We couldn't wait to start creating lives.
And by the way, I created these children
in the shower. Right?
You did. You know what I'm saying, homeboy?
That is funny.
Wow, you've been together a long time.
Am I gonna leave this girl? Look at her.
Still gets the flag up the pole,
if you know what I mean.
Bing-bang. An iRod, I should say.
Oh. Come on, hit that. Why'd you
leave me hanging so long?
You're so clever. That's so silly.
The four of us should get together
and have dinner one night.
Oh! That would be almost like a dream of mine.
If we could ever get ourselves out of the bedroom.
Katherine Murphy, look at you!
Oh, no, not Murphy anymore. Leroy Maccabee.
That's right.
The third. Anyway, so it was great
to see you and meet you, lan.
The big E. Love the Shuffle, by the way.
Good to meet you. Bye! Thanks. You, too!
What are you talking about? She was nice.
I'm gonna kill you. Come on.
You need me, though, right?
I don't believe that just happened.
I like that you need me. How's that make you feel?
Please, it feels like a car door
just slowly shut on my soul.
Come here! Listen. What?
Do you know how I feel right now?
You were getting me so upset,
bringing me into that web of lies.
My hand's right here right now.
Oh, my hand's right there.
You know what? I hate you right now.
I've gotta write out a bunch of index cards
just to keep up with these lies.
Yeah, and you're gonna make me
copies, too. And one more thing.
Oh, my God, why are we
leaving the hotel right now?
Oh, my God, why are we
leaving the hotel right now?
Why did you wake me up?
Because, Grandpa,
I signed us up for the all-day adventure tour.
We're gonna go hiking in the rainforest,
and kayaking down rivers
and swimming under waterfalls.
Swimming. I hope you mean skinny-dipping.
I'm gonna suggest swimming.
I, however, am fine with some man nudity, Danny.
Okay, so Swiss Family nightmare is coming with us.
That's so we can bond?
Oh, that'll be great!
It's bloody breathtaking out here!
Is this where the blue Avatar people live?
Yeah, the blue Avatar people and I think that black pig.
Where? The pig.
Look, how cute. Looks like Babe.
Oh, my God! Go, Go!
Come on, go, go!
The pig is eating my body!
Keep your eyes on the river, sweetheart.
Yes. I was looking at the canyon.
Hey, what're you guys doing?
That bridge can only handle one person at a time!
Go, go, go!
What'd he say? What'd you say?
Holy Devlin! Ow!
Come on, let's go.
Piggyback times are magical times, aren't they?
Yeah, aren't they? You're warping my spine now.
I think Kiki slipped.
Oh, Father, I just love spending time with you!
Oh, my God!
You guys, look at this!
Oh, my God! MAGGIE: It's lovely!
Wow! That is unbelievable.
I don't know about you guys,
but I am gonna go cool off.
Really? There could be black pigs in there.
I agree.
Look at that. That's terrific.
Does the hotel know you took those
pillows, honey?
She really wears that bikini well.
Yeah.
You know what she'd wear well?
Dental floss and a pirate hat.
Don't say that. Absolutely gross.
Oh, my God! Gorgeous!
Perfect.
That was a ten! A perfect ten! Yay!
So, Al Jolson, you mind jumping in the water
and also screaming on the way
down, "I love my daddy"?
Okay.
Yeah, do it, do it for me.
I love my daddy.
Daddy is my favorite adult!
You're paying her enough for this, right?
And I love you, my little British crumpet!
All right, homeboy, you're up next. Let's go.
Come up with something on your own.
You gotta squeeze out another log?
What happened? What'd he whisper to you?
Water's too deep.
Water's too deep for what?
He can't swim.
He can't swim?
And you wanna swim with the dolphins?
That makes a lot of sense.
Hadn't thought it through.
No kidding you didn't think it through.
Thought about spending all my
money, though, didn't you?
Danny! I'm saying, I'm not the kid's...
Okay. No one taught you how to swim, huh?
Well, my dad's supposed to, but he's busy.
Uh-huh. Busy being an idiot.
You guys have to come in, the water feels magical!
I got something magical, too.
Right in the downstairs area.
I don't high-five when it's...
Downstairs area!
No, put it away. Sorry. No, stop.
You know what? I think Mommy's gonna
explore the magical waters.
Honey, are you okay to hang
out here with fake Daddy?
Sure.
Really? You're gonna get undressed?
What are you doing?
What? You got a bathing cap, too?
You're the worst.
A 1920s swimming gown on, honey?
Don't do it. Don't take it off.
Yeah. I have to be alone.
Okay.
God, I gotta start taking the stairs more.
Don't buy that line.
She takes spinning classes like they're M&M's.
I think he's wearing my underwear.
What is he doing?
Yo, I guarantee you fall!
I'm all set.
Ow!
Thank you, God.
I wanna climb Palmer Mountain,
so what do you say we get rid of these kids?
No. They had them last night. It's our turn.
Isn't that how things work? We alternate?
What? No.
I get the kids... I had them today.
That counted as a "me" day
and then she gets them at night.
That's how we do it. Oh.
Dolph, Devlin, do you want us to watch the kids
so that you guys can have a little alone time?
I don't think... Yes! Absoshnutely!
We are sleeping together!
You guys have your own beds and it's our time!
So we're gonna watch them. Good.
You guys wanna come take a look at the balcony?
I think I saw some dolphins around here.
Dolphins? Hey, he loves those, right? Dolphins.
Sorry. Okay, go.
All right, let go. Come on.
Get the dolphins. Bye, you guys.
That's why we're here, the dolphins.
See you out there.
Listen, if anything happens
and you need any... And I mean anything,
you have to call me.
I'm good at this, I swear to you.
I used to baby-sit Eddie when we were children.
Eddie is your fault? No, no, no.
But I want you to enjoy tonight.
Come on, it's like a free night.
You can do whatever you want.
You can knit yourself some socks
or shock people with your sneaky hot body.
I don't know what you're talking about. Cary Grant?
I'm just gonna sit in my room
and worry about you and them and everything.
What about just hang out platonically
with Eddie tonight? Have some dinner?
Or is he not good enough?
You need Brian, the guy from Foghat, around here.
That really bothered you
that I went to lunch with that guy.
What do you mean, you went to lunch with him?
I told you I was going to lunch with him.
I thought it was he asked you to lunch
and you were gonna like scoff at it.
But you did? You fell for his charms?
I don't even understand what this is.
It's the beard, man.
It doesn't move!
Well, yeah, in the wind, man. It's flapping around.
All right. You know what? I'll tell you this.
The guy made it through an entire lunch with a woman
without making up a fake life.
Ah.
You just hurt me.
That was not nice, but it was the truth.
And I speak the truth.
Please pay attention to my children.
Everything will be nice.
They serve room service in the hallway.
I'm so nauseous. Okay. Bye.
Alone at last!
Let's play the game.
We were doing so good with the game.
"If you could be one person besides yourself,
"who would you be?"
Rachael Ray, because I've always
wanted to know how to cook.
Really? Oh, she's darling.
You know what? I don't really wanna be anyone else.
I'm happy with who I am. I choose me.
Or Captain Kirk. Either one.
See, that's a good one. All right.
What about you, Bart?
Mr. DeCesare.
Our mailman? Why?
He just seems like he's got it all figured out.
We're getting deep.
Okay, moving on. Uh...
Okay. "Name something that makes you sad."
That Judi Dench has never won
the Oscar for Best Actress.
It's a travesty.
That 'N Sync broke up.
Yeah. That was rough on all of us.
Who's 'N Sync?
Sadness. Bart, you're up.
I don't wanna say mine.
Okay. Let's move on then.
Hey!
Honey, come on. You can share anything with us.
Yeah, share.
He looks like he's about to lose it, but okay.
When my dad doesn't have time for me.
Come on, it's okay.
We're okay. We're okay. It's fine.
It's all gonna be okay. Come on.
We don't need him in our lives.
Wow.
No, no, no, he's...
We're okay. It's fine.
It's all gonna be okay.
This has nothing to...
This is, like, from a long time ago!
It's okay.
What are you doing?
Well, that was a major setback.
"When my dad doesn't have time
for me."
We're sorry.
I know you're sorry.
I know you got real stuff going on with your family.
And it's painful.
But you gotta just hold it in
till you get to the mainland again.
You're the ones who wanted to come here
and go swimming with the dolphins
or standing with the dolphins because you can't swim.
Can you act professional? BOTH: Yes, sir.
For at least two more days, until I kill you off
in a boarding school train accident?
I thought it was a car accident.
I don't know. Either that
or a science explosion, just something.
You're gonna be dead soon. That's
the good news. Okay?
So, can you just focus for a few more days?
Yes. Good.
So, give me some fake hugs right
now and laugh real loud
like we're the happiest family on earth.
Okay. Is that possible?
And laughing, laughing, laughing.
Okay, that's it. Laugh louder, louder.
I love you guys!
Hey, sweetie! What's going on? What's up?
So, kids, I just got off the phone with your mom
and you guys are gonna have plenty of time
to spend with your dad tomorrow
because she and I are gonna
have a nice, long spa day.
Aw!
Awesome! Awesome, awesome.
You guys are so...
I'll see you in a minute, okay? I love you.
Okay, he's losing it. Okay, good night.
He's losing it.
All right, here we go. Everybody out.
So, what are we doing?
Palmer forgot her camera in the room
so I'm gonna have a surprise for her
when she gets back from the spa.
A stolen camera?
No, some pictures of us having a great time
reassuring her of all the fun we have together.
I forgot to flush the toilet before I left the hotel.
So she's gonna have two surprises.
Okay. No one's supposed to crap as much as you do.
You gotta look into that Pepto Bismol or something.
Here's your putters. Bing.
And a bam. Thank you.
Let's just look right in the camera.
And we're having fun.
And we're a family. We love each other.
And boo!
All right, let's do the old Michael-hit-a-putt shot. Okay?
So boom, that's in the hole.
And you're excited about that,
and we're happy for him, and...
Maggie just hit the ball, but you
followed through too much
and it made you fall on your back.
Okay, but... Look at this.
You're laughing, but I'm a concerned
father, so I'm like,
"Oh, my God."
All right, now,
let's just laugh at something I
say, because I'm a funny dad.
You're very close with me, and
you think I'm funny, and...
Why are we always laughing?
Is there something wrong with us?
No. You're just amused by everything
I say. So, here we go.
Can we take a break? Do something really fun?
No, we're not doing anything fun, man.
We're here to fake having fun.
Come on. Right to the camera.
Don't worry. We never have
fun with our real dad either.
Oh, man.
All right. How's this?
I'll teach you how to swim, okay?
Before your mother gets back
from the "spa day" in four hours?
Is that even possible? Yeah.
But we're gonna take one more
picture, if you don't mind.
Make that two pictures. Maggie.
Throw this straight in the air. Make it look like...
On the count of three, one, two,
three.
Okay.
Now, Michael, lay down.
On your back. And...
Yeah, all the way over. See if you can clench this.
Now look like you're in pain.
Ooh!
It took my friend a whole summer
to learn how to swim.
How're you gonna teach me so quick?
I'm gonna do it the same way
my grandfather taught me.
Don't worry.
It took Grandpa eight hours to teach us.
It was a nightmare.
But there's two of us here now, and we're sober.
You're gonna be fine.
All right. You're doing great.
Is he doing great? He's doing great.
Okay. We want to advance a little, though.
I need you to swim to Uncle Eddie.
If you get there without touching the bottom,
we'll give you a dolphin cookie.
Is that what your grandpa gave you?
No, Grandpa gave us something he'd call a Heineken.
I want one of those.
No. Stick with the dolphin cookie.
Yeah. They hurt less when they
get thrown at your head.
God, he was a sick man.
Yeah. Okay? Are we ready?
Don't think about it. Commit. Kick, kick.
Get the cookie. Move your feet.
Kick, kick!
Right there! Reach for it! You got it!
Doing good, buddy!
There you go!
My boy! That was terrific, buddy.
Have your cookie. We're gonna move on, though.
Hey, Devlin?
Devlin? Yeah?
So, Danny's birthday is next week,
and I have no idea what to get him.
Well, don't get him a tie.
He has 100 of them and he never wears them.
That's good to know.
He loves books on tape for his car.
Fishing gear.
Loves it. Doesn't use it.
Can't take the fish off of the hook
once he catches it, so he just collects it.
He loves candy. Jelly Bellies. Loves them, his favorite.
But he only likes the Cotton Candy
and the Peanut Butter.
So you have to buy the bag of the Jelly Bellies,
separate the Cotton Candy and the Peanut Butter
and put them into a little...
It's a kind of Ziploc baggies that I got online.
You know so much about him.
Yeah.
I've known the guy forever.
Music. Loves music.
But anything after '95, don't bother.
You'll lose him.
That's when I finished my Girl Scouts.
All right. How many cookies do we got left?
Maybe about forty!
What do you think, 40 feet for 40 cookies?
Can you handle that? You need a little rest?
Let's do this.
Really? Okay, he's ready! He's ready to rock!
Almost.
What? No.
Oh, my! Ladies and gentlemen, off come the floaties!
This is getting serious!
Are you sure about this, Michael?
Hell, yeah. All right.
No matter what, you're a good man, okay?
Keep kicking. I'm here if you need me.
You got this.
Go! Go, Michael!
Go! Breathe! Yeah!
Kick it! Go!
Move your arms! Yeah!
He doesn't have floaties on!
Oh, my God!
Get the cookies!
Come on, sweetheart! You've got it!
A little bit more, little bit more.
Swim! Swim! KATHERINE: Oh, my God!
Come on! Just a little bit more!
Keep going, Michael! Don't give up!
Very nice!
That's my boy! Yeah, buddy!
I did it! I did it! Thank you!
No way, that was you, buddy.
That was awesome. Way to go!
What are we looking at?
Jeez. Oh, God. Devlin.
Devlin. Oh, God. You snuck up on me.
Did I? Oh... Yes.
Do you startle easily? That's a sign of menopause.
Hmm...
Devlin?
Palmer Dodge, this is Devlin.
She and I went to college together.
Aloha, Palmer.
Is this your daughter?
No, no, no. I'm actually the girlfriend.
Whose girlfriend?
Yes, hi.
I am the Dolph. Willkommen.
And you're very beautiful.
Married, flattered. Thanks. Where's Danny?
Danny is in the water teaching
our little boy how to swim.
Hi, Doctor!
He was so sweet.
You know what's so crazy is that
I have never met anybody
with the first name Devlin before.
You know, and here you are, and
your name's Devlin and...
Shark attack!
We are playing Bavarian pool rugby
and now I'm in the lead.
Okay, bye!
She's trying to beat me, but she won't.
No one can!
This is fun!
Anyway, something's opened
up in our schedule tonight.
So, we were wondering if you and Danny
were good to go for dinner.
Oceano's. Seven o'clock. Oh, no...
Oh, no, you don't! She's like a shark. Come on.
Is it a bad night? Are you two fighting?
No! We're not fighting.
No, we just, we're delighting. We're just fine.
No, that's great. Tonight's gonna
happen. Yeah, perfect.
Perfect. Anyway, see you tonight!
Okay, Devlin.
Oh, my God! Dolph, let her breathe!
Yes, I...
Dolph! What?
What was that?
I was... Were you under...
I don't understand. Why would you say yes?
Because I didn't know, I didn't say no.
I'm not leaving here. What would I tell Palmer?
What's going on, sweetie?
So, today, you know, with Dolph
pushing me in the pool.
It was weird, right?
No, no, no. He's a sheepherder.
That's what those guys do, you know?
They do a lot of horseplay
and that's kind of initiation time for you.
You're in the gang, I think.
Okay. Yeah.
Well, I was thinking for tonight,
maybe we could have a little me and you time?
Oh!
I'll get my rubber duck and see you in a sec.
Yeah, no, I'm not doing this tonight.
It's like my first night alone with the girl.
All I'm asking you is one favor!
Just get this one dinner with me so I can save face
with this horrible, heinous human being.
What am I gonna tell Palmer?
Would you just put her on the phone?
Oh, God.
Tell me she is not listening to 'N Sync.
No, no, no. It's coming from the elevator.
Hey!
Danny, that is my jam.
Someone on the phone for you.
Okay.
Hello?
What is that?
It's Palmer. So?
I need you to get on the phone.
I need you to ask her out.
I need you to take her as far away
from the hotel for the entire night.
Would you please just do this for me?
No, I'm already eating. I just wanna hang out. Ow!
Seriously, I need you. What are you doing? No.
Ow! My gosh.
Take it. All right.
Go for Dolph.
It's Dolph.
Okay, I got an idea.
How about you and me,
we go and get the dinner tonight?
To supper?
Tonight?
Yes, and we get to know each other,
because I think it's important for the kids
to have good symmetry in the family unit.
Yeah, hang on. Let me check with Danny.
Dolph wants to do dinner tonight.
No. No, no, no.
All right, tell him yeah.
Yeah, that's fine.
Awesome. Thank you so much.
What am I supposed to say to her all night?
You spout crazy nonsense for hours in Eurotrashenese.
Just do it, but just do it far away from the hotel.
Okay, fine, I'll do it,
but if I do good, can I sleep in the bed with you?
No. Why? You've got a great private room.
Hmm, really? Because when
we were in the Napa Valley,
they said that wasn't a good time of year for Merlot.
Oh. How about the Verite Cabernet?
Isn't Cabernet really grapey?
I mean, I like grapey, but not overly grapey.
Did you go over the index cards?
I glanced at them, yes.
You glanced at them?
I graduated med school
without reading a book. Just relax.
Just give us the most expensive bottle you have
and it'll probably be good enough.
Perfect!
Look at us, Katherine. Both so
happily married. I mean...
Can you believe it?
Everything I always hoped for, right, Yogi?
Mmm. Boo-Boo.
My Yogi Bear. My Boo-Boo.
Never enough.
Hold on a second.
I love the way you smell.
Nothing smells as good as Devlin.
Smelling Devlin, always a good thing.
This is really where we're eating?
Oh, yes. No, the hotel says
it's amazing und very far away. Yeah, it's good.
Hey. I want that car.
I'll give you two chickens for it.
Two chickens, that's very nice of you, but...
Don't be scared.
We're just here for dinner.
Also, this car's worth about 10,000 chickens.
Don't pour over me.
Don't pour over me.
I'll bring my glass to you.
So, Danny, you're a plastic surgeon. Yes.
Very convenient for you, Katherine.
No, this girl's had nothing done.
She's just a natural beauty.
She really is. Sweetie.
What about me? What would you do to fix me?
Professionally speaking?
Nothing. I wouldn't do a thing to you.
Nothing?
You're too sweet.
They already took too much fat out of your arms,
but that's what sleeves are for.
So, where did you two meet?
We just, we met at a concert.
Sting. Yeah.
Live at the Index Card.
It was a benefit for the rainforest.
Someone's on the phone for you.
I think it's the guy from The Omen.
Go for the iMan.
Hold on a second.
Can I say something before you
say what you're gonna say?
Seeing the man who invented the iPod, on the iPhone,
saying, "Go for the iMan..." Yeah.
...that was like watching Ronald McDonald
eat a cheeseburger off the Grimace.
I'm serious. That was serious stuff.
- It's so true.
That, to me, was like watching
Dr. Kevorkian kill himself.
Oh, no.
I'm sorry. This is one of my foundations.
I've gotta take this.
Your virtue, your intelligence, your passion.
Your beauty, your drive, and your womanhood.
It's something we do whenever the other leaves.
We say what we love most about the other.
That's really nice. That's big. I like that.
You guys should try it.
Yes, we should. We should. We'll try that later.
We have to. Not everyone can do it.
We'll do it now.
Right now. Okay.
So, broke and penniless,
I took to the streets to sell my wares.
And by wares, I mean my body.
And by body, I mean my schnitzel.
Mmm.
Help! Is there a veterinarian in the house?
My pet sheep, he passed out. He's not breathing!
I don't know what's wrong with him!
Him! Him! He's not a vet, but
he sells sheep for a living.
Oh, me, yes.
I do, yes. I am that.
Please come this way!
Now? Yes!
This way, this way!
What is this?
Is that a real sheep?
Okay.
Yes, um...
Hello...
Yes?
Yes, in my expert opinion, that sheep is dead.
I'm very sorry.
Let's go eat. Okay, show's over. Let's go.
Oh! He's still alive!
Please, you have to do something!
Oh, shit on me.
You look each other in the eyes
and you say what you love about
the other. Mmm-hmm.
We can't just say it? We gotta look
at each other for this thing?
Okay. Yes. We're so ready.
Are you ready?
Go ahead.
You're on. Okay.
Come on.
Um...
I love your sense of humor.
You do? Mmm-hmm.
All of it?
Every dirty bit of it.
I love your, uh, stories.
Yes. They can go long, but... It's okay.
...I try to finish strong. Always entertaining.
And I love that you...
Love that you read the index cards.
Of course.
And I love that you secretly
have a huge heart,
and it's just filled with kindness
and humility.
And blood?
I'm sure there's blood.
I don't know, I...
I just think you're a really nice
person and I really like...
I really love spending time with you.
That's good enough for me right there.
Yeah, game over.
Danny?
Game back on? We gotta...
Um...
Well, I'd like to start off by saying
that I love the most that you fixed your teeth.
Why did I know that...
They were horrible, I agree.
No, no. Um...
You know what I love? Mmm-hmm?
How you just do everything for everybody else
and you never expect anything back.
In fact, when I say thank you, I don't
know, do you hear that or not?
It's cute.
And I love...
I just love...
You're the only person I've never lied to in my life.
I swear to God.
I just trust you more than anybody in the world.
You know every secret about me.
I love your smile.
That smile is the magic.
When I'm in the operating room all I think about is,
"All right, 20 more minutes, I get to see the smile."
It's just like...
It starts my day, that smile.
I won best smile at our sorority
three years straight, right, Katherine?
Not little Bucky here.
Okay, here we go! Hi, yes! Wee!
We do the sheep dance, right?
We want to live and dance more, yes.
Okay, all right. Here we go. Eat some food.
Eat the food. Come on, here we go.
Couple more zings.
Make the milk. Yes, he makes the milk.
You love it. You give milk to the baby.
All right. One, two, three, here we go!
Come on!
We got a couple things that I know how to do!
Yes, this is a good test, so why not?
All right. Here we go.
You're killing him!
The sheep lives! The sheep lives!
Yes! Here we go, one more time.
Here we go. Yes!
This is what I did. You saw this. Yes!
Welcome. I am Tanner Patrick, Jr.
We're ready for the legendary
Oceano's Hula Competition.
Legendary? Never heard of it!
Legendary like the day you were once sober. So...
She talks the talk, who will walk the walk
and walk with me to the Ladies' Lounge? Feeling it...
I think you should do it, Devlin.
Because she would win.
I'll do it! Oh! Good show!
Katherine? How about you?
Come on, this isn't Katherine's thing. Right, Katherine?
No, no, not my... Her speed. Not mine.
Some people are just more comfortable
on the sidelines, so don't judge her, honey.
Your honesty, your fearlessness, and your tickle spot.
Your creativity, your bravery, and your taffy nipples.
Let's go! How do I win this thing?
I'm gonna do this hula thing.
Oh, don't feel any pressure, Katherine.
I'm not the one who should feel the pressure.
Ladies and gentlemen, a warm welcome
for tonight's hula girls.
These are my stars. And here's the key,
you decide how brightly they shine tonight.
You the audience, judge and jury.
I like what I see.
This is my hula palooza.
You're the judges.
You're voting for your favorite hula girl.
How about we do one over here?
Can I get a little something-something
up here in the corner?
Has anybody got a conscience here tonight?
Come on, you did well. You did well.
Aw!
It's tough.
What do I got over here? Anybody?
How tall do you think that guy is?
Who? The Tanner guy? I don't know.
Yeah, that Tanner.
Looks pretty tall, I'd say he's like 6'3".
Yeah, I don't know.
Can I get a positive reaction?
Thank you.
How about this little girl? Let's
make her night. How about it?
I like it. Keep the mojo going.
How about Big Country in the corner?
Do I got...
Sorry.
This is fixed!
Tall fellow is lucky to get away.
Let's pick up the tempo, boys.
What? What is that?
Okay. This is a lot faster.
Fabulous!
Yeah, baby!
What?
Come on.
Nobody got cheated here tonight.
These are two of the hottest chicks
we have ever had up here.
But our job is not done.
I need your help, because I need a winner.
Let me hear you.
Beautiful!
Wow, that is gonna be tough to beat.
Let's not kid anybody. How about over here?
There you have it. We have ourselves...
That's my Boo-Boo!
A tie! We have ourselves a tie.
That's great. We both win. Good...
What's the tiebreaker?
What's the tiebreaker?
This is how we settle ties in my house.
It's something I like to call Coconut Smoochie.
The object of the game is,
the coconut is in their midsections.
It must move all the way up to their mouths
without the use of their hands.
Focus, focus.
If you touch the coconut, you are disqualified.
Okay. Ready? One, two, three, get coconutty!
Okay. Slow.
Okay, all right. Calm down, calm down.
Let me just bring it up to you.
Okay, do it.
Get it up there. Come on.
Bring your coconuts down to me.
Okay. Oh, my coconuts.
Pull up. All right. I'm so low.
Squeeze your coconuts. Squeeze them.
Use every crevice you can. Don't be afraid.
I can't get it up here.
I'm trying.
Would you be quiet?
Stay there. Wait.
Okay, that's good. Is that good?
Sorry about this, by the way.
Really? You're really sorry about this?
No, I'm not. I like it.
Oh, yeah!
Pick it up, pick it up!
Not with your hands, you buffoon!
Come on!
Look what he's doing! What happened? I can't see.
Focus. Take it slow, take it slow.
He's got it!
That's not fair. He can't do that.
No, that's a clean pick-up right there.
Okay. Bring it over here.
Go! Go! Go!
I got it.
There's still time. Let's go.
You can touch each other,
you cannot touch the coconut.
Hang on, hang on.
What's going on? What is that? What do you use?
What's the hold-up? You still got that perfume on, huh?
Would you stop it?
Smells good. Come on, let's go.
Have you got it to your mouth yet, Boo-Boo?
Stop putting your ass in my face.
I like it. That's my girl. Okay.
We've got a winner! We have
a winner! We have a winner.
Coconut Smoochie champions right here.
Awesome.
You suck at everything!
Boo-Boo.
Great teamwork, guys.
How long have you two been married?
Eight years. Ten years.
Ten years. Eight.
Very long time. A very long time.
Did you see the look
on her face? DANNY: Yes.
Did you see the look
on her face? DANNY: Yes.
Do you understand what joy that brought me?
How about the look on her face
when you were doing the juggling, though?
The juggling was the highlight for me.
That was pretty good. You liked that?
It was so cute.
And when you talked about her arms getting done?
The good news is she's beating the hell
out of the iPod guy right now.
Right now, I know.
That was good. That was really fun.
You know what, I think that was the first time
that you and I have ever
gone out, you know, just us.
I know. I do.
I feel bad for the Soul Patch now.
I do.
Now that you've been out with a real man.
And by a real man, I mean a man who showers.
I think it's so adorable
how obsessed you are with this guy.
I just can't picture you guys on
a date, you know what I mean?
Who said it was a date ever?
You. You.
You get very excited when you talk to this man.
Listen, Dr. Gervitz is moving his
practice to New York City.
Yeah.
Brian is not gonna go with him, and he...
He's just been asking me if
I would want to, you know, replace him.
You're going?
No.
You can't do that to me.
I just wanted to see how you'd react.
Look at you. You can't live without me.
"What do I do? How do I sign it?
"How do I pay for it?"
No. You kind of played with me a little bit, though.
You could've told me that earlier.
You're just messing with me?
Trying to get me a little jealous, weren't you?
No. I just was having fun teasing you.
That was fun. Why? Were you jealous?
No. Get outta here. Was I jealous? No.
Look at you. You're grinning, you
can't stop, what is that smile?
I didn't know you had that many teeth.
I know. I got like 55 teeth.
No. So there's nothing?
You and... There's nothing?
No love connection?
No. Mmm-mmm. Nothing.
Well, then, that's a shame.
What?
That coconut getting in the way tonight.
That's a shame, don't you think? Oh.
No. No, that was bad.
The coconut.
You're lucky that coconut was there.
You couldn't... You wouldn't
have been able to handle it.
Maybe you're right.
You got more tricks that I don't know about?
I don't know.
Okay.
I don't know anything.
Mommy? Mommy?
Hi, guys!
Hey! What're you doing?
The babysitter fell asleep.
Oh, great.
I mean, come on,
it's like a Hawaiian Rosa, huh?
Is it? Oh, my God.
Yeah, that's asleep.
Look at that.
Wow. KATHERINE: She's out deep.
All right. Good to see you guys.
Good night.
Good job. One more day of lying, guys.
We're almost done. Home stretch.
All right. So, you gotta go to sleep.
Yeah.
Tired? Yes. Good night.
Okay. That was fun. Good job.
Good night. Good night.
Good night. All right.
Okay, Danny.
Okay, good luck. I'll see you in the morning.
She ain't going to sleep.
Hello! There he is, Danny!
It's nice to meet you.
Where were you going?
What?
I was going... I was going to...
Where were you guys?
I was looking for you guys at...
What happened? How was the dinner?
Dolph gave mouth- to-mouth to a sheep.
Yeah. And then we had a few drinks.
Yes. It was choking and so I gave him sheep-P-R.
But he was the black sheep of the family,
but he was also white, if that makes any sense.
And we've been talking about how
amazing this trip has been
and how amazing you are.
Yeah, all joking aside,
it really has been first-class.
And that, if the kids and I hadn't kept you so busy,
that you might've had the time to do something
you've been thinking about doing?
The one ringy-dingy?
Uh... Yeah, you told her about that?
I don't need you to get me a ring, Danny.
Let's just get married. Right here.
What now?
Why not? We're in Hawaii. Let's do it tomorrow.
I mean, this has felt special from
the moment that we met.
And I've seen the way that you are with the kids,
and it's exactly the way I always
imagined my husband would be.
Oh, man...
I don't wanna wait.
I just wanna start my life with you.
Hi!
Hi, everybody! Dolph.
There you are.
I have been looking everywhere for you.
For me? Yes. Come here. Come on, let's go.
No way, we can't go. What?
My little Oompa Loompa.
Danny and Palmer, they're getting married tomorrow!
What?
No, no, I mean, why?
Yeah, we are. But what do you think?
What do you mean, what do I think?
I mean, what does it matter what I think?
I think that's great.
Thank you, Devlin.
I really hope that you can be there tomorrow.
I can't.
It's really...
It's bad luck for the ex to be at the wedding.
Come on, Dolph. Let's go.
Where are we going? They are here.
We gotta have the sweet sex.
What? Okay? Come on.
Okay. Congratulations, though.
I'm trying them on as we speak.
I know, but I just bought them.
I had some with me and the one
I have on is pretty amazing.
Michael!
Nincompoop!
Nincompoopenschtic!
Michael, the crap is the stinking...
Hello?
Hey, you up?
Hi. Yeah. Glad you called.
Are you?
Um...
Yeah, I was, uh, just checking flights
for your parents tomorrow and I found...
No, no, no. You don't have to do that.
Her parents aren't coming in
and she wants it to be kind of elope-y.
Elope-y.
Got it.
Okay, uh, so, are you all set
for what you need to wear tomorrow?
Do you think this is a good idea?
What? The wedding?
Yeah, the wedding... Just the whole Palmer thing.
Well, that's why we came out here, right?
I guess.
You don't think it's crazy?
Um, Danny, you don't need my permission.
Okay? You're a big boy.
I know, I just...
I know if I do this that...
Just, things could get weird
between you and me at the office, so...
Well, you're not gonna have to worry about that.
You going to New York?
Yeah. I just, you know, I mean...
As much as I was looking forward to you, um,
reconstructing my face,
I really just need to start fresh, you know?
Hello, are you there?
You understand?
I guess.
It's an awful lot of guessing
coming through this phone.
I've been divorced, I have two kids,
I don't have time for guessing.
Got a big day tomorrow, Doc, all right?
So why don't you just get yourself some sleep?
So that's it. You have nothing else to worry about.
We have the flowers, the music and the location,
which is ha-wowie, by the way, you're gonna love it.
I promise you it is going to be
the most wonderful day of your life, guaranteed.
Devlin. Yeah.
Oh! Palmer! I didn't...
Well, you just look absolutely beautiful.
Really? Thank you. Yes.
Devlin, can I ask you something?
'Course.
Do you still want to be with Danny?
Wait. What?
Because I think that
he still may be in love with you.
Really?
Why would you think that?
He's always glowing when you're around.
And he laughs at your jokes. He doesn't laugh at mine.
Palmer, trust me, there is nothing
between me and Danny.
We're just, you know,
we're familiar.
And you are the girl for him.
He even told me that last night.
My God, Devlin, this is such a relief
because I could never stand a
chance going up against you.
Turn around. Tell me if this fits.
Put the hanger up your nose.
Stop!
Excuse me.
Here you go. Thank you.
Katherine!
Katherine! Oh, Devlin.
That was so much fun last night.
I know.
I am still trying to work out how you cheated.
I didn't. That's what happened.
So, where's Danny?
Devlin...
Danny's at his wedding.
Come again?
I was never married to him.
All a big lie that I made up.
Why?
'Cause I couldn't stand the thought
of you knowing the truth.
Really?
So, yeah, I'm a single mother.
I have two kids that I love
more than anything in the world.
I drive a Honda. Still have dial-up internet.
I got a 2.7 GPA in college, not a 3.4.
And while I'm at it telling the truth,
I named my kids' poop after you.
And I work for Danny. I'm his assistant.
That's it.
Really, I would never have guessed this.
I mean, you two had a real connection.
He's great. He's the greatest guy.
And I might even be in love with him,
but that doesn't really matter at this moment
because he is getting married
to another person right now.
lan and I are breaking up.
What? What happened?
Well, for starters, he's gay.
He's gay?
I mean, look at him.
That's a strong muscle right there.
I'm squeezing.
Devlin, I gotta tell you,
last night, with the ass grab of the coconut,
little bit of a red flag.
I've seen him do that with the soap.
What about the iPod?
Oh, he didn't invent shit.
He didn't?
No! He made his money suing the Dodgers
after he got hit by a foul ball.
Oh, God! That's so... What?
Well, this is different.
Yeah, why didn't we try this truth-telling thing before?
I don't know.
Hey. Hey.
What?
That's nice.
It's nice to tell the truth. That's good.
The truth is fun, isn't it?
Like, were you telling the truth
when you said you might be in love with me?
I'm gonna leave you two. Okay.
I'm gonna go get a divorce. Good luck.
Wait, where are my kids?
Palmer took them out for ice cream.
So, how was the wedding?
Okay. All right.
So, we're standing on top of this beautiful cliff. Uh-huh.
I start looking out into the Pacific,
and I think to myself,
"Wow. I am about to start my life
"with the one I love."
And the only problem was,
the one I love was not with me.
She wasn't?
She was not.
So you didn't?
I couldn't.
You couldn't.
I mean, don't we have something extra
happening with us?
Danny, I...
What happens when we're not on fake-cation
and you wake up and realize this is real?
You are the only real thing I've ever had in my life.
Danny, come on, man. I don't...
She's beautiful and she's... I'm not twenty-three.
I'm not that.
She's good, she's very nice,
there's only one problem. She's not you.
She's not you.
I have two kids.
I can't just drive them off a cliff. You know?
I love those kids
more than anything in the world, Guv'nor.
No, I wanna be with those guys like 23 hours a day.
What about the other hour?
Good job!
That's what I'm talking about.
Whatever!
Well, everything turned out
pretty good for everybody.
Squirt got to swim with the dolphins.
Palmer met some tennis player her
own age on the plane ride home,
who's an even bigger fan of 'N Sync.
And Maggie's about to start a three-week acting class
with the actual Dolph Lundgren.
And what happened for me?
Well, I'm finally wearing my wedding ring for real.
And now when women ask me about it,
I'm gonna tell them I'm married to a woman
who doesn't beat me, doesn't cheat on me,
doesn't drink... Well, doesn't drink that much.
And who I'm gonna spend the rest of my life with.
A woman named Katherine.
Would you like to dance with
your wife, Doctor Maccabee?
Yes, I would, Mrs. Maccabee.
Yeah, it's okay.
One more.
You were right, Soul Patch is going hard on that bass.
What did I tell you? Uh-huh.
Hey. Encore, man. I'm just kidding. Stop.
I get it. It is long and it's gross.
You don't need wind for that thing to swing around.