Time.
Time, it has been proposed
is the fourth dimension.
And yet, for mortal man,
time has no dimension at all.
We are like horses
with blinders
seeing only
what lies before us.
Hear, hear.
Forever guessing the future
and fabricating the past.
-It's him.
-Who?
Brilliant.
Quite right, Your Grace.
How, you ask, can we lift
these shackles and live--
not in the moment
but in the glorious expanse
of time's continuum?
Listen, and I shall tell you.
The secret lies in the enduring
power of our achievements
our creations!
As the pyramids testify
to the Egyptians
so my glorious erection
shall represent
our culture in perpetuity.
Behold, rising before you
the greatest erection
on the continent.
The greatest erection
of the age!
The greatest erection
on the planet!
Hold this.
Of course.
For the Herald,
Your Grace.
I understand
you'll be making
an important announcement
tonight.
Good afternoon, ladies.
Please, excuse me, please.
Good afternoon.
And the Perrier-Jouet
should be chilled.
-You understand? Chilled.
-Yes, sir.
Leopold!
Leopold, where have you been?
Leopold!
Otis, I demand
explication!
It's half past 5:00!
He's not even dressed!
He'll be ready, my lord.
I assure you.
I don't want him ready.
I want him resplendent!
Ah, Miss Blaine.
You dance like a...
like a herd of cattle.
You are a rare woman
who lights up a room
simply by leaving it.
Might you be rich,
Miss Blaine?
You see, whilst I
am the third duke
the little secret of those
of us in the Royal Court--
apart from our
general uselessness--
is our massive
indebtedness.
It's always been
your misfortune, Leopold
that you so thoroughly
amuse yourself
with the sound
of your own voice.
In a life as
stagnant as mine
that I can amuse
myself at all
is an evolutionary
marvel.
Hmm.
Please don't touch that.
The device you were
jabbering about.
To take priests
to the bell tower.
To take anyone, Uncle, to
the floor they so desire.
Buildings continue to climb.
Soon they will outstrip
the stamina of our legs.
You speak of progress
and invention.
Yet what I offer you
downstairs is reality.
Take a wife. Marry.
Marriage...
marriage is the promise
of eternal love.
As a man of honour, I can
not promise eternally
what I have never
felt momentarily.
Born into privilege,
yet perversely ashamed of it.
That is your tragedy.
My God! If my brother
could only see you,
he'd be heartbroken.
You are no duke!
Of course I'm not.
The monarchy is dead, Uncle.
We are relics.
That is reality.
The new Royals are men
of accomplishment.
Men like Roebling,
with his bridge
Edison, with his lamp
Diesel, Bell, Westinghouse...
Those men made themselves
from nothing!
You, on the other hand,
were born with everything
and from it,
fashioned nothing.
As of tonight,
I wash my hands of you.
Take a good look
at your dance card, Leopold.
A wealthy bride
is your only surety.
Your Grace,
may I present Miss Tree
of the Trees
of Schenectady, sir.
of the Trees
of Schenectady, sir.
Miss Tree?
It's an honour to be making
your royal acquaintance,
Your Highness.
Shall we?
I've never been to England
but father's teeth
were made there.
He's quite rich, your father.
Oh, yes.
Many dreams, all useless.
Who are you?
Uh...
No, no, no.
Okay, rela...
Please, wait, no.
I don't want to harm you.
Stop! Please!
Sir, wait!
Please stop!
Please!
Stop, Leopold!
Pardon me.
Pardon me.
Go! Go!
Ya!
Ya!
Ya!
Stop, sir! Please!
Oh, my God.
No!
Oh!
Let go!
Just let go. It's okay!
You don't understand!
Let go!
Oh!
I don't want to hurt you!
Let go!
Goddamn it!
Whoa, whoa...
Beth...
What?
I'm sorry.
Yeah, well, you should be.
It's just...
If a guy like that
can get a girl like you
what's left for a guy like me?
Well, a guy like that
can get a girl like me
but a girl like me
will never love him.
Are you saying you love me?
It's possible.
Sometimes the snow
comes down in June
Sometimes the sun
goes round the moon
I see the passion
in your eyes...
Turn it up higher.
Just more.
Turn it up higher.
'Cause there was a time
when all I did...
I've never felt so happy.
You'd tell me this was love
It's not the way I hoped
Or how I planned
But somehow, it's enough...
If you don't know
what to write
you can just leave
it blank, okay?
It's really just about what
you're feeling, all right?
Okay. Great.
Okay, guy in the
windbreaker right there.
Two ladies
right in front of him.
I don't know, we're
doing the cards now.
We'll have the numbers
in about half an hour.
-Hey.
-Bye.
So, how do you think it went?
Well, if I had to guess:
Mid-60s, Barry.
Why don't they love it?
She's not likable.
-She's right.
-Absolutely.
Should do some trims where
she sleeps with her boss.
Cut that whole section.
Excuse me...
excuse me...
What-what are you
talking about?
The movie, Richard.
Your movie.
Oh, I'm aware of that.
Look, I want to say something.
I think Julie is likable--
very likable-- in this picture
and real.
What, excuse me,
you've never made
a mistake in your life?
You have no flaws?
You've never slept
with the wrong guy?
I'm not the protagonist
in a major motion picture.
Let me tell you something.
You people, with your tests
you are sucking the life
out of American cinema.
Shh. Richard.
Come on.
It's a comedy,
but it's also a drama.
It can be about something!
"You people are sucking the life
out of American cinema."
"You people are sucking the life
out of American cinema"?!
Don't you think
he's got a point, though?
What?
Well... don't you ever think
that what we do is a bit...
crass, cold?
Darci, we find out
what regular people think
and we pass on their wisdom.
That's what we do.
Is that crass? Is that cold?
I don't think so.
We make peanut butter creamier.
We make cereal crunchier,
sitcoms funnier
boring movies shorter.
We made Smucker's get the seeds
out of their jam.
We did that.
If you ask me, we're heroes.
Guess it just goes
with the territory
that every once in a while
some pompous jerk
sticks his head out of his cave
and says,
"Hey, I like seeds in my jam.
"Without seeds, it's just jelly.
You people are sucking the life
out of my condiments."
You know what I say to him?
This is what I say
to him, Darci: you...
baby, you are one percent
of one percent.
Your opinion is irrelevant.
I went out with a visionary
like you for four years
and I had to pay his rent
because he couldn't stoop down
and get a job
like the rest of us?!
Kate, Kate, come on,
this is not about Stuart.
Yes, it is!
It is about Stuart.
It's about anybody
who can't face up to reality.
I don't care if it's crass
just give me the numbers,
give me the bottom line
give me the truth straight up,
no chaser.
Bart!
Wait!
Shit! Ow!
Oh, my God.
We must remember, Bart
that sometimes it is okay
to colour outside the lines.
Hello?
My Palm Pilot.
You still have it.
Kate, it's 1:00 in the morning.
And clearly you're awake,
so what is the infraction?
Look, Kate, I don't know
where your Palm Pilot is.
And I can't do this right now.
Not now. I'm expecting a call.
Oh, Bart.
Oh, I'm sorry, baby.
She is not a happy person.
Goddamn it!
You know what, Stuart?
You know what? I'm...
Kate...
Stuart...?
Please. I've got
somebody here, okay?
I know. I saw her.
No, you didn't.
Yes, I did!
It's a him, if that's
any kind of consolation to you.
So, look, now that you know
I'm not getting laid,
just go to bed, okay?
Nuh-uh, don't. Do not
hang up on me, Stuart.
Don't do that.
Kate, please.
I beg of you.
Something big is happening.
Something that validates
my entire life...
Something that validates
your entire life.
What could that possibly be?
Are you sitting down?
Yes.
-No, you're not.
-Yes, I am.
No, you're not.
Ye...
Okay.
I found it.
What did you find?
The portal.
A crack in the fabric of time.
It was over
the East River, Kate
just where I said it would be.
You found the portal?
A portal into April 28th, 1876.
I jumped off the Brooklyn Bridge
and took a walk in 1876 today.
I followed my great great
grandpa around old New York.
Are you listening?
Avidly.
This here's the twist, Kate.
Here's the kicker.
What's the kicker?
He followed me home.
Your great great grandfather?
Yes.
The Viscount of Buffalo.
No, he's not a viscount.
Viscou... Duke of Buffalo.
No, no, the Duke of Albany.
...Albany followed you home
through a crack in time.
He's a brilliant engineer.
He patented
the counterweight pulley.
He invented the elevator,
for Christ's sake.
You know what, Stuart?
You know what?
I'm not your girlfriend anymore.
I haven't been
for a whole month now.
You can tell me the truth.
I am telling you
the truth, Kate.
You can tell me you went
and picked up a transvestite
in Times Square.
I don't care.
You know what, Kate?
This is it, right here.
This is it, in a nutshell.
Our downfall.
You never-- not once--
believed in me.
Oh, I did, Stuart.
I did, for four years.
And I got burnt.
Okay, you want to know
who he is?
I'll tell you who he is.
He is a hacker.
High end. English.
I know him from Columbia.
He's in town for the Mac Expo
at the Javits.
We went out, got a little sloppy
on Guinness
and he passed out on my couch.
And that's the truth?
Mm-hmm. That's the truth.
Okay? Are you happy now?
Is that plausible enough
for you and your little
focus group?
You know what, Stuart?
I blew my best years on you.
Those were your best?
Look...
I'm sorry.
I have to go.
You'll get your Pilot
in the morning.
Orange alert.
Oh!
Otis!
Otis!
Bart, stop!
It's okay.
-It's okay.
-Where am l?
Well, um, there's not
an easy explanation for that.
If it's a ransom you seek,
my uncle won't pay a cent.
Except, perhaps, for my demise.
No. no. You're not
being kidnapped.
Bart, quiet!
I can scarcely see,
thanks to your spray.
My eyes feel like
Steak au Poivre.
So I ask you again,
where the hell am I?!
As far as I'm concerned,
you might be Jack the Ripper!
And you would have me believe
that I'm being detained
at present in the hereafter?
The time to come?
Yes.
Bart, quiet!
He needs a walk.
And you would
have me believe
that you are my progeny
product of a marriage unmade.
Yes.
Oh, and you
would have me believe
that you have found
a crack in time.
You, of all people,
should understand.
I mean, you're a scientist.
You invented the elevator.
What is an elevator?
What the hell
are you talk...
Where the hell am I?!
I told you--
you haven't
actually gone anywhere.
You're still in New York.
That, sir,
is not New York!
I'm afraid it is.
No, Kate.
Hello. Hello there.
What's your name?
-Leopold.
-Tell me something.
I'm having trouble
with my G-5.
How much RAM do I need
to properly run OS 9.6?
Clearly, the Mac Expo is out.
So you must be...
a man out of time?
Or Sergeant Pepper?
You know what?
Actually, we could use
a little privacy.
Stuart, I want
my Palm Pilot.
I'm not...
I'm serious.
Maybe later on, Kate.
I just want my Palm
Pilot, Stuart!
No. No.
Hey, give me my
Palm Pilot!
Give it to me.
This is madness.
This is madness.
Who was that?
I-I feel as if I've seen her...
Women have changed
since your time, Leo.
They've become dangerous.
It's on the landing!
You say this is no kidnapping.
You say you mean no harm.
Then why is it, sir,
you will not unlock the door?
I'm sorry, okay?
I'm sorry about her. I'm...
Look, with all due respect
I can't let you just go
running around free
out there, okay?
This is New York City.
It's not such a safe
place anymore.
Look at you.
You look like some sort
of psychotic escapee
from a Renaissance
fayre.
I understand you
have some anxiety
but you have
to trust me.
I'm going to get
you home, okay?
I promise.
Bart!
The portal opens up again
next week. Monday.
I know that, because it was
my back-up in case
I didn't make it
last night.
It's on a cycle,
you know?
Kind of like, uh...
total eclipse.
Once every 20 years.
You understand?
Generally,
I understand everything.
Since I've met you, nothing.
I can only assume
I'm in a nightmare
brought on by agita,
or else I am dead.
You're not dead.
Come here. Sit down.
Here.
Want some milk in yours?
Bart, can I just have...
Sorry. He's-he's really
got to go out.
Look here.
Uh...
I'd be honoured
if you took a look at those.
Um, I'll explain everything
when I get back.
He's got to go out
or he's going to drop
a bomb in there.
Come on. Let's go.
Back in five.
One quick trip to Spectra, Bart
and you and I will be Nobel...
Laureates.
Come on, Bart.
Hey, let's go.
-Come on.
Let's go!
Oh!
Oh.
Oh, Jesus!
Good boy, Bart!
Stay!
Stay, Bart!
Stay!
Oh, Bart, please stay!
Stuart
you forgot
the pointy thing!
Stuart...
Look, this is
not complex.
He gave me the Palm Pilot
but he forgot
the pointy thing.
I've been warned about you.
Oh. Really?
And what, pray tell
did the great
disappointment say?
That you were dangerous,
though you hardly look it.
-Oh, really?
-A lady in trousers isn't
dangerous, merely plain.
I take it you're
a career woman.
Yeah, market research.
Mm. Fine avocation
for women, research.
Perfect for the feminine mind.
Huh.
You're a trip, Lionel.
I myself once courted
a librarian in Sussex.
Oh.
Good for you.
Aha!
I must confess
I feel as though we've met
on a previous occasion.
Well, Lionel, seeing as
I've never met a single
friend of Stuart's--
I'm not even sure
he's ever had any--
I really don't see
how that's possible.
Oh, man! Bart!
He just made Lake Erie
out there.
You just can't toss a dog
out into the hall like that.
You can't do that.
I assure you, I did not.
Let's go.
I beg your pardon?
Come on.
Let's go!
Bart...
Look, pal, I don't care
how many elevators you got.
This one's in my building.
Hang-hang on a second.
Sorry about the elevator,
Miss Kate.
I've got them
on the phone right now.
Hey, Gracy.
This is Lionel,
Stuart's friend.
How do you do?
Ten minutes?
I need someone here right now.
-Watch it, man.
-I beg your pardon.
Hey, what are
you doing?
You need to be going
that way.
There's an electron...
Hello?
Hello? There's
an electronics store. Hello?
I'm sorry, miss.
There's a patch of grass
across the street.
Take him there.
He'll do his business.
Can you give this
to Stuart, please?
It's his cable bill.
They haul our furniture
and cradle our children
but this morning, from
the Battery to the Bronx
elevators have mysteriously...
So sorry.
Stupid!
I do beg your pardon.
I beg your pardon.
Are you going
to remove that?
I beg your pardon?
Pick it up and put it
in the trash.
Absolutely not.
Maybe you don't understand.
It's against the law
to leave it there.
Are you suggesting, madam,
there exists a law
compelling gentlemen to lay hold
of canine bowel movements?
I'm suggesting you
pick the poop up
and throw it away now.
I refuse. Respectfully.
All right.
What's your name,
fancy pants?
Leopold...
Alexis Elija...
Walker Thomas Garrett
Mountbatten.
All right, Stuart.
Have a nice day.
I appreciate you putting in
a good word for me
I appreciate you putting in
a good word for me
but J.J.'s not back from London.
Right. Bye.
What's with the elevators?
It's happening
everywhere.
Darci.
Last page.
I'm sorry.
Did everyone live
happily ever after?
He lost his leg to gangrene
waiting for her on the island.
But they're together now.
Wonderful.
Oh, look, you got
your Palm Pilot back.
A nightmare.
Okay, so who do I owe?
Okay, Bobby at Hasbro.
Reeves at Crunch.
And the finals came in
for "Love for Sale."
The call with
the studio's at 4:00.
The margarine thing's in 15
in the conference room
and J.J. wants to talk
to you before that.
Oh, and one more thing.
I remember that you told me
to start thinking ahead
so I know your brother's
getting back
from his retreat tomorrow
and if you want something
in the fridge...
-Darci...
-Mm-hmm?
Can you tell me
why I'm upset right now?
Because, uh...
J.J. called
this morning.
That is why I have a cell phone.
-So you can call me...
-Kate, Kate, he didn't call.
He just popped his head in here
and spoke two sentences.
So he's back?
Margo says he's going to
make a big announcement
about the merger
next week.
Margo? What does she know?
How does she know
anything about anything?
Oh. All right. So he
popped his head in here.
All right, so you have to tell
me exactly what he said, Darci.
You have to start
at the beginning and tell me...
He said, "Tell Kate I'm going
to sit in on Farmer's Bounty."
J.J.
Good morning, Kate.
Good morning.
I'll see you in there.
I'll see you in there.
Good Lord, it still stands.
The world has changed
all around it
but Roebling's erection
still stands!
That, my friend,
is a miracle.
What?
It's a miracle, man!
It's a bridge.
Tell me...
when did they adapt it
for steam engines?
The fire brigade.
I don't know
how it happened.
I found him in a shaft.
Stuart!
Leopold, what are you doing
out here?
Get back inside!
One, two, three.
They're taking him
to Goodman Memorial.
Fresh creamery butter.
Is there anything
more comforting?
There is
and I know you will agree
when you try Farmer's Bounty
with the essence of real butter
in every bite.
with the essence of real butter
in every bite.
Your first choice.
However, 45% of our demo
circled "shifty"
as his key descriptor.
Not good.
This is what I say.
Everybody should be trying
Farmer's Bounty
with the real, rich, creamy
taste of real butter.
Try it, and you will be losing
pounds. Poof! Boom! Voila!
Your second choice.
Unfortunately, the group found
him obnoxious, abrasive
and a whopping 72%
found him just plain creepy.
The spot rolls out in four days.
We have to...
What the hell
am I supposed to do?
We have to do
another session.
Tomorrow.
I had my assistant book
the response room at National
so we can decide
then and there.
Kate, are you all right?
You okay?
I'm fine.
Geez, Kate, I'd ask
for a decaf.
Monica, I need you
to call Barney's.
I need a white blouse,
size small
in Kate's office by lunch.
-Oh, dear.
Hi, you've reached Stuart.
Please leave a message.
STUART:
Leopold? Leopold, look,
don't be frightened.
This is Stuart, okay?
Is it Bell's talking telegraph?
I saw a prototype
at last year's faire.
I need you to pick up
the handset, Leo.
You pick up the green handset,
because I need to talk to you...
Are-are you there?
-Hello?
-Leopold, thank God.
Listen, they're taking me
to X Rays.
Everything's going to be fine
but you have to stay
in the apartment,
do you understand me?
Oh, Stuart,
I saw Roebling's bridge today.
I saw it... complete.
Yes, yes, but listen to me.
You can't go out again.
You have to stay
in the apartment.
Stay in the apartment?
For how long?
Leo, I'll be back tonight.
I promise--
no more field trips.
Would you...
Hel... hello?
Stuart? Hello?
Blast!
Hello.
Hello.
Who are you?
Hector. My mom works late
on Wednesdays
so I watch TV with Stuart.
Want some Pirate's Booty?
J.J.:
Hang on.
Excuse me, J.J., I wanted
to thank you for the shirt.
That was very nice.
Come in, come in.
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Absolutely.
Oh, good, good.
Yeah, she's here right now.
I'll tell her.
Okay... okay.
Bye.
Sit down.
That was Barry.
He was thrilled
with your work
at the screening
last night.
Oh, good. Good.
You're a rarity
among women, Kate.
I'm sorry?
You don't cling
to illusion.
You don't get caught up
in emotion.
You don't do pretty.
I don't?
You skew male.
You're like a man.
A man who understands women--
their desires, their needs.
You understand them
but you're not really
one of them.
You don't mind my
being frank, do you?
No. I don't. No.
Edamame?
Kate?
But one day, he lowered
the Jolly Roger
-Stu?
-and set sail in search
of another kind
of treasure.
Not money, not
jewels, not gold...
but a bride.
Despite his being a ruffian
of the brine
fearless in his plunder
and merciless
with the sword
the Pirate King
was also lonely.
You see,
he had never met a lady.
He never met a girl?
No. Not a girl, not a lady,
not even his own mother.
-So what happened?
-As with all comedies
the most ridiculous thing
imaginable-- the Pirate King
fell in love with
the major-general's daughter.
I had the good fortune to see
the premiere last month
at the Fifth
Avenue Theatre.
Since when is Penzance
at the Fifth?
Is it your habit, sir
to simply enter a conversation
without introduction?
to simply enter a conversation
without introduction?
Whoa, you are deep in it.
It's cool. I'm an actor, too.
I'm Charlie. I live downstairs.
Kate McKay,
senior vice president.
Darci, it hasn't happened.
All he did
was dangle a carrot.
Until he makes a decision
the pressure's doubled.
When's he going
to make a decision?
We're having dinner tomorrow
to discuss it further
at Commune.
-Kate?
-Yeah.
-I have Stuart on the line.
-No!
-He says he's in the hospital.
-No!
I got the number
of a specialist.
A bone guy--
he did David Cohn's elbow--
so he'll check on you tomorrow.
You're not listening to me,
Kate.
I can't be here tomorrow.
I can't be here today.
I have to go home now.
Leopold is just sitting alone
in my apartment-- God knows
what could happen to him.
Do you realize
he got outside today?
Of course he did.
I made him walk your dog.
What? No, Kate,
you can't do that!
He can't go outside!
Jesus Christ, Kate.
He's from 1876, Kate.
He doesn't know our customs.
If something were
to happen to him
-it could be catastrophic.
-Shh!
His mere presence has already
caused an occlusion.
An occlusion!
If he doesn't go back on Monday
I may cease to exist!
I'm his descendant, Kate
along with God knows
how many other people.
If he doesn't go back
to April 28, 1876
he doesn't get married,
he doesn't have children
and you want to know what?
What happened
with the elevators today, well
that's going to seem
like a walk in the park.
Stuart! This is embarrassing.
It's embarrassing now,
all right?
I'm sorry that you got hurt
but there happens to be a lot
going on with me right now.
Someone has to keep
an eye on him.
Stuart, he's a grown man.
He's a grown man.
He's fine.
He can take care of himself.
-No. Wait. Aah!
-I'm going.
Kate, please.
Just take this to Spectra, okay?
Get it developed.
You'll see I'm telling
the truth.
Tell Manny it's important.
You want double prints?
That's not funny, Kate.
That's not funny, Kate.
This is not a joke.
You need help, Stuart.
You need help.
...square of the hypotenuse
I'm very good at integral
and differential calculus
I know the scientific names
of beings animalculous
In short, in matters
vegetable, animal and mineral
I am the very model
of a modern major-general.
Charlie?
Hey, Kate!
Can I see you downstairs
for a minute?
I invited someone
to dinner.
He's up there all alone.
Stuart's in the hospital.
I didn't think you'd
have such a problem...
No, you didn't
think, Charlie.
You didn't think.
You came home early,
one day early from actor camp.
Okay, it's not actor camp
and yeah, I came home
a day early, all right?
There was this tai chi
broad who kept trying
-stick her fingers...
-No, this is the point.
You immediately
march upstairs
to my ex-boyfriend's
apartment
and you invite
his freakish friend...
See, that's
what it's about.
It's not that
I went up there.
It's that it was
your ex-boyfriend...
No, it's not about Stuart.
Greetings, Kate.
Charles.
Hey, Leo.
Be nice.
So, when's Stuart
getting back?
Couple days, maybe a week.
He promised me that he would
return late this evening.
Well, maybe he will, Leopold.
He's so big on keeping
his promises.
May I have the next course?
There is no next course.
Ha.
Where I come from
the meal is the result
of reflection and study.
Menus are prepared in advance
timed to perfection.
It is said,
without the culinary arts
the crudeness of reality
would be unbearable.
We had a saying
in the McKay house:
"You shake and shake
the ketchup bottle.
None will come,
and then a lot'll."
What is that?
I beg your pardon?
Why are you standing?
I'm accustomed to stand
when a lady leaves the table.
Tell me, Charles
when Stuart and your
sister were engaged
did you happen to read
his papers on
the temporal universe?
I spent the morning perusing
them, and must confess...
Stuart and I were never engaged.
Not even close.
But I did read...
Thank you.
But I did read his papers
however, to show support.
Is Stuart still trying
to make a time machine?
That's the beauty of it--
he discovered
no machine was necessary.
All one had to do was
to develop
formulae to forecast portals--
natural windows
in the fabric of time.
Apparently,
Stuart located one
utilizing modern...
Ah!
Utilizing modern theories
of weather prediction.
What's a portal?
An opening which exists
for but a moment.
This explains why
one must jump through it
from a height--
in order to achieve
the required velocity.
The speed of gravity,
to be exact.
It's quite brilliant.
You are so method.
You don't even break
for a second, do you?
It's unbelievable!
Oh, stop it, please!
No more! Stop, please?
I beg you. I'm tired.
Can you go away?
Can you just go away?
Can you go away?
She's drunk, Leo.
Oh, shut up, Charlie!
And you, can you go upstairs?
Can you go away?
I am truly sorry if I have
offended you in any way.
Good night, Charles.
Good night, Charles.
Good night, Leo.
What the hell was that?
He thinks he's from
the 19th century, Charlie.
He thinks he's a duke.
I know.
Isn't that cool?
No.
Kate, he's in character.
He is an actor.
Oh, really?
For what show?
You know that just because
someone doesn't have
a paying gig
it doesn't mean they're not
working on their craft.
What's going on here?
I think there's something wrong
with his, uh...
-thing.
Give me that telephone.
No.
Give it to me.
No, I need to...
What do you expect me to do?
You took away my cell phone.
They're not allowed
on hospital property.
I have to make
a phone call!
You're not going
to make one now.
No, no, you don't understand.
This is a very important
phone call.
I have to leave
this hospital now.
I can't be here anymore.
Mr. Besser
I am tired
of telling you this.
You are not going nowhere
until Dr. Feinstein signs
your release!
Did you ever take any
earth science, Esther, hmm?
You look like
a smart woman.
Ever hear of the
time-space continuum?
Sounds important, doesn't it?
Well, it is.
And you want to know
something, Esther?
It's broken! Okay?
And I'm the only guy
who can fix it.
So why don't you
go down the hall there
and get on your
little telephone
and call Dr. Feinstein...
Good night, Mr. Besser.
You tell him that...
You tell him that I...
Point the toes,
roll your shoulders back.
Take a deep breath in
and then exhale
into downward-facing dog.
Oh, be quiet!
Be quiet... oh!
Bart, shut up!
That thing is
a damned hazard!
It's just a toaster!
Well, insertion of bread
into that so-called toaster
produces no toast at all--
merely warm bread!
Inserting the bread twice
produces charcoal.
So, clearly, to
make proper toast
it requires
one and a half insertions
which is something
for which the apparatus
doesn't begin to allow!
One assumes
that when the General
of Electric built it
he might have tried using it.
One assumes the General might
take pride in his creations
instead of just
foisting them
on an unsuspecting
public.
You know something?
Nobody gives a rat's ass
that you have to push
the toast down twice.
You know why?
Because everybody
pushes their toast down twice!
Not where I come from.
Oh, because where you come from
toast is the result
of reflection and study.
Yes, you mock me.
But perhaps one day, when you've
awoken from
a pleasant slumber
to the scent of
a warm brioche
smothered in marmalade
and fresh creamery butter
you'll understand that life
is not solely comprised
of tasks, but tastes.
Say that again.
Pardon me?
-Did they start yet?
-Yes.
Session list.
Leopold, Darci.
Darci, Leopold.
I'd like him to read.
Can you tack him on
at the end?
And, Leopold, go with Darci.
She'll take you to the greenroom
and explain everything.
I need to work out.
I need a place
I can work out.
If I could get
Mr. Duke?
Is he ready?
Where is he?
Oh, my God,
look at this.
Let's skip this one.
Mr. Duke, right here
on the floor.
Excuse me,
that's your mark, right there.
Just stand on
that tape line.
Look, forget this guy.
I can't waste
any more time, J.J.
We need to make
a decision now.
All right, we've got
plenty of good choices.
Let's cut it off, Kate.
That would be a mistake, J.J.
Kate, the client wants
to move on.
We should see this last guy.
It'll... Two minutes!
I think he looks like
the Quaker Oats guy.
Well, Phil, it's really not
about what you think.
It's about what
they think.
They've been in
a coma all day
and now look at them.
To them, this guy is a dream.
He's handsome,
honest, courteous.
Stands when you
walk in a room.
Brings you brioche in bed.
If you eat his margarine
maybe your hips
will shrink
and he'll come
to your door.
I take it this is to be
delivered in direct address
as on Geronimo.
Geronimo?
He means Geraldo.
Exactly.
Okay, everyone--
quiet, please.
And action.
Start talking, bud.
Fresh creamery butter.
Is there anything
more comforting?
I say there is.
And perhaps you'll agree
when you sample
fat-free Farmer's Bounty
with the genuine essence
of creamery butter
in every bite.
With every mouthful
of Farmer's Bounty
you shall receive butter's
luxurious comfort in your mouth
without adding to the luxury
of your waistline.
Not bad, Kate.
Where'd you find him?
He lives in my building.
Where do I sign?
Right here, and here.
Oh! Hi.
That was
spectacular, Kate.
Thanks, J.J.
A lot to talk about
tonight at dinner.
Nice work, Mr. Margarine.
Thank you.
Outfit was
a great idea. Nice.
Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!
Whoo!
You seem pleased.
Oh, you did
so great in there!
Man!
You are going to be on
a national television spot!
I take it you're dining
with that man tonight.
Huh? Oh, yeah, J.J.
He's my boss.
You require a chaperone.
His intentions are obvious.
I'm alone with you.
Do I need a chaperone?
We're not courting, Kate.
If we were,
as a man of honour
I would have informed you
of my intentions in writing.
Oh...
Good day.
Hey!
Kate, why don't we
take one of these.
They're for tourists.
Sorry, she doesn't
seem interested.
Oh, hey, hello. Hello.
Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey, you...
Kate!
Hey, you asshole!
Hey!
I'm going to get you!
Hey!
Asshole!
Goddamn it.
Give me your hand.
What?
Your hand, woman!
Yah! Yah!
What do you think
you're doing?
Whoa, hey!
Yah!
I warn you, scoundrel
I was trained to ride
at the King's Academy
and schooled in weaponry
by the palace guard.
You stand no chance.
Where you run, I shall ride
and when you stop,
the steel of this strap
will be lodged in your brain.
Your boyfriend's
a very good rider.
Yeah.
Are you for real?
Pardon me?
Are you for real?
I believe so.
You're a duke.
I was born a duke.
I've never felt like one.
Stay. Sit.
On your feet. Stay.
Stay. Good boy.
I'm off to dinner.
What are you two doing?
I don't know.
Maybe we'll watch
the rest of the game
or go out or something.
Oh, thank you.
Kate, may I repeat my offer
to serve as a chaperone?
No, thank you, Leopold.
Charles, don't you
find this inappropriate?
As her brother,
I would think...
As her brother, I would think
that my sister would invite me
to an audition.
Could be just me, though.
Seems kind, but...
-Charlie.
-Hmm?
You're not exactly
a margarine spokesperson.
I can't sell butter, Kate?
I don't mean to be insulting...
It's insulting. I'm an actor.
You don't have faith in me
to sell butter?
No. No. I'm sorry.
I can do British, Kate.
I'm an actor.
I can be anybody!
You're a very, very good actor.
-I am a good actor.
-You are.
Okay, fine, all right.
A Victorian dude who's never
seen a Mets game watching TV.
Okay.
Scene-- I say,
are those little people
in that box of phosphorous?
Crikey, I believe it is!
This game's more
beguiling than cricket!
Indian: Good golly, oh, Jesus!
It looks like Mike Piazza
just hit a game!
How about Canadian?
Oh, right on.
Right on, you like butter, huh?
Yeah, what's that about?
Good night.
Good night.
...all those people
up in that stadium.
Know what they probably
could go for?
Some margarine!
When your friend walked in
in that outfit
I was getting a little
nervous for you there.
"lf you eat his margarine,
maybe your hips will shrink."
It's brilliant.
You saved Phil from
his own ambivalence.
I knew it was the way
to go-- in my gut.
I'm counting on that gut.
Can I get a bottle
of your '95 Lynch-Bages
and a bottle of Evian?
I'll tell you one thing
your friend is going to be
bigger than Mr. Whipple.
Thanks.
You're not sleeping with him,
are you?
No.
No.
Leo. Leo, come on. Come here.
How's it going, man?
See the girl with
the long brown hair?
That's Patrice.
She's lovely.
She's mine.
Congratulations.
Hey, everybody,
this is Leo!
Leo, this is everybody.
What's up? Dennis.
Shelby, Allison, Monica.
And this, this is
the insatiable Patrice.
Hey, Charlie.
Hey.
How do you do?
Patrice, let me
assist you.
Thanks.
You got it?
I was going to get it.
Let me get that for you.
There you go.
You look nice tonight.
Very...
Like a Judy Blume book.
That's good, because
I thought for a moment
that body of water here
was a moat.
No, that's a pond.
The gardens
are devastating.
They are.
They're very,
very beautiful. Ooh.
You'll have to come
and see them firsthand.
Right, right.
After the merger
I'm going to be stuck
over there, setting things up.
I'll be craving
a little face time
from my new top
honcho in New York.
What are you saying?
I'm saying you should
come visit.
I'll fly you over
for the weekend.
Oh, yeah, I heard that.
The other part--
the part before that.
The part about
the top honcho.
I didn't understand that,
that part.
How about catching an opera
Saturday?
La Boheme's at the Met.
Okay, so she comes back--
the audience is about to leave--
she comes back on stage
and she starts
squirting the audience
with this turkey baster
filled with this pine mist.
And she's screaming
"Un-sex me! Un-sex me!"
But no tears.
Just raw human passion.
Isn't Willem Dafoe
part of that group?
Yeah, and he did this monologue
about how
all the best things in life are
hidden in people's basements.
Like the Louvre.
I'm sorry.
You were saying, Charles?
Just...
No, what about the Louvre?
Tell us what you
were going to say.
Well, only a fraction of
the Louvre is on the walls.
The rest is in
the basement.
You've been in the basement
of the Louvre?
Oh, yes.
I was an art history major
at Vassar.
Ah.
And so,
what's down there?
Well, that's where
the real show begins.
Unspoiled by dilettante.
da Vinci, Michelangelo,
David, Chardin.
"Allow me to assist you,
Patrice.
"Oh, let me light that
for you, Monica.
"What, this?
"This is my family crest.
"Been in the family for...
Oh, in the basement?
"What do they have
in the basement?
"Why, the works of da Vinci
"Michelangelo,
Chardin, David
all surrounded by great coral
sponges to absorb the moisture."
Just for the record,
I was working it.
I was in the zone
and I would have
gotten her number
if you hadn't turned
the evening
into a guided tour
of the Louvre.
My apologies.
Let's get
one thing straight.
Patrice, she thought
you were cute--
probably gay and cute.
And cute, Leo,
that's the kiss of death.
-Perhaps.
-Perhaps? Certainly.
I believe this
is her number.
As I see it, Patrice has not
an inkling of your affections.
And it's no wonder.
You, Charles,
are a merry-andrew.
A what?
Everything plays
a farce to you.
Women respond
to sincerity.
This requires pulling one's
tongue from one's cheek.
No one wants to be
romanced by a buffoon.
Now, that number rings her.
-Yes.
-So ring her tomorrow.
I can't. She gave
the number to you.
Only because I told her
of your affections.
Wha-What did you say?
Merely that
you admired her
but you were hesitant
to make an overture
since you'd been told
she was courting another.
Shit. That's good!
Wha-What did she say?
She handed me the napkin.
Charles, it's quite late.
No, no, no,
she won't be home yet.
I get her machine,
I leave a message
ball's in her court.
You're ladling calculation
upon comedy.
The point is,
to keep the ball in your court.
You're right. You're right.
Okay.
Nothing need be done
till tomorrow.
Tomorrow.
Then I make my move.
An overture, Charles.
Make your intentions known.
Think of pleasing her,
not vexing her.
No vexing.
You're intoxicated.
We should retire.
I'm sure Kate
will be home.
I doubt it.
But it's nearly midnight.
You like her, don't you?
-Who?
-Kate.
-You do!
-Oh, Charles, stop.
You like my sister!
Well, you made your
intentions known, right?
-Right?
-You've been drinking.
Leo, Commune...
right around the corner.
We could stop in, you could
give me a couple of pointers
pull out a chair or two--
you could throw out a
gesture here or there.
Yeah, see, it's one
thing with Patrice.
You don't give a shit.
It's a whole other
ball of wax
when it's a girl
you like, huh?
Yeah, who's the
merry-andrew now?
You want to vex
my sister!
I have to confess
that I'm a little bit confused.
Um...
No. Thank you.
When you asked me
to dinner tonight
I was under
the impression
that we were here
to discuss...
The merger.
Yes. Right. Yes.
And a possible promotion.
Yes.
Yes, that, too.
And, well, dinner
is winding down
and we haven't
really discussed
anything even
remotely relevant
to what I thought
we came here to...
I don't believe I've ever
seen you this flustered, Kate.
You haven't even kissed me yet.
Yeah.
Right. Well...
I like you, J.J., I do.
I like you quite a bit.
Um, as a matter of fact
I think you would agree
that a working...
a successful
working relationship
requires a great deal of...
What exactly is our
working relationship?
Kate...
Hi, Kate!
Hi, Charlie.
Well...
what are you doing here?
We just thought
we'd come by
-to say hi.
-Kate.
-J.J., right?
-Right.
Might I have a word with you?
-Now?
-In private.
No! No.
J.J.:
Mr. Margarine.
Please... please join us.
And where did you say it is?
-In Sussex.
-Near Ballmour.
-Yes.
-Built in the 18th century.
Early 18th century.
Really? Are you quite sure?
Yes.
He's got pictures, Leopold.
Perhaps you were swindled,
because I can assure you
as of the late
there's nothing
but farmland near Ballmour.
-You're mistaken.
-That's not possible.
Well, it's quite possible,
Leopold, that you are mistaken.
No, it is not.
...the only manor house
in the county.
I know because
I grew up there.
Leopold, it wasn't...
Leo, do you enjoy opera?
-I do. And do you?
-Oh, yes.
It keeps... keeps me alive.
Do you have a favourite?
Boheme. La Boheme.
- La Boheme.
-I've seen it 12 times.
That's... that's how
I learned to speak French.
You speak French?
Fluently.
Oh.
Ah. Que ton visage
est doux
entoure par la lumiere
de la lune.
What did he say?
"How sweet your face looks
gently encircled
by the soft moonlight."
Oh, I like that.
From the opening scene
of Boheme.
A stunning duet.
Andre sings it to Mimi.
Andre...
I invited Kate
to the Met next week.
She's never been.
Patrone is singing Andre,
and she turned me down.
Can you explain that, Leopold?
Well... La Boheme is one
of man's great achievements
and should not be missed.
But perhaps Kate resists
on moral grounds.
How so?
Should we get the check?
Well, some feel that
to court a woman in one's employ
is nothing more than
a serpentine effort
to transform a lady to a whore.
Oh.
J.J.
This guy's charming, Kate.
The Duke of Margarine
thinks me a serpent.
No, he doesn't.
No, not a serpent.
That's too grand a word.
Simply a braggart and a cad
who knows less French than l,
if that's possible.
And by the way
there's no Andre in
Boheme-- it's Rudolfo.
And though it takes place
in France
it's rarely played in French,
as it is written in Italian.
Good night.
Sorry.
Kate, might I have
a word?
-Morning.
-Hi.
-You want some coffee?
-No, thanks.
You want to read...
you want to read your paper?
No, thank you, Charlie.
I want to go to work
and try and clean up
this mess you made.
You sure you don't...
Uh...
Kate...
Uh, Kate!
-What?
-l-I just thought
maybe you'd want a-a kiwi
for-for-for the subway.
That's a papaya, Charlie.
Oh.
You're right. Okay.
BOB:
But while using the product
too soft to be...
effective.
This, of course, presents
a conundrum for us marketeers.
How do we maintain a soft feel
on the exterior
of a plastic wrap or pack
while retaining
the useful tensile strength
in the sheets?
Now, I'm going to suggest
to the Summer Soft people
to scale back to a limited
release of the product
in the mid-Atlantic states,
where we can refine the product
on the basis of extensive...
Dearest Katherine...
I behaved as an imbecile
last night
animated in part by drink,
in part by your beauty
and in part
by my own foolish pride.
And for that
I am profoundly sorry.
Please accept
as a gesture of apology
a private dinner on the rooftop
tonight at 8:00.
Okay, where are we
on Farmer's Bounty?
Kate?
Care to share with us?
Farmer's Bounty?
Where we are.
Where we are is good.
Um, as you know, we
found our spokesperson.
The response room final showed
a 96 in the top two boxes.
His key female descriptors...
were "handsome," "romantic"
with several write-ins
of... "What a hunk."
with several write-ins
of... "What a hunk."
Great.
Would you hold this?
J.J.?
J.J., hi.
Um, listen, I just want
to apologize again
for what happened
last night.
There was no need
for things to get that way.
I appreciate that.
So... everything's okay?
Yes, Kate.
STUART:
I didn't jump;
I fell.
There's a difference--
a subtle difference,
but nonetheless a difference.
Why did you fall down there?
Because there was no elevator.
And you feel
that was your fault?
Look, if you brought your
great great grandfather
forward in time before
he'd had a chance
to invent the elevator
or spawn his seed
it stands to reason that nature
would correct itself
and the elevator and you
would cease to exist.
But, clearly, you do exist.
You know what, I'm sorry.
I can see that you
are a very busy man
and I'm sure there are
plenty of people clamouring
for your particular
brand of attention.
Unfortunately,
I am not one of them.
So if you don't mind, would you
please unlock this door?
I'm concerned you might be
a danger to yourself.
And in such cases
-Hello?!
-state law requires
that I keep you under...
Will someone please
open... Aah! Aah!
Everything all right,
Dr. Geisler?
Yes, Gretchen.
Everything's fine.
Stuart, I'm going
to prescribe
Stuart, I'm going
to prescribe
something called Prolixin.
It's a mild
antipsychotic.
Nothing too strong.
"l was wondering...
"l was wondering if you
would like to accompany me...
"lf you've already been
previously engaged
I understand."
Tonight at 7:00, 7:30.
Please don't be late.
I got to talk to you
about this, okay?
'Cause there's some shit here
that just cannot be said.
Did you assemble
a bouquet for Patrice?
Look, you just can't
tell a woman she's...
"gracefully serene."
No, no, this will not do.
Wha... Why?
What is wrong
with this one?
The orange lily
implies extreme hatred.
The begonia and lavender
danger and suspicion,
respectively.
Every flower has
a meaning, Charles.
Might I suggest the amaryllis,
which declares the recipient
a most splendid beauty.
Or the cabbage rose.
Darci!
Hmm?
-What is this?
-It's a reply
-to Leopold's invitation.
-Uh-huh?
You're going, right?
I haven't decided yet.
Oh, you haven't decided
if you want to have dinner
on your rooftop with a duke?
Who thinks he's from 1876!
No! And I would
appreciate it if...
Kate, come on, okay?
I don't know what this guy did
to piss you off
but that is
the best apology letter
in the history of mankind.
-Just sign it, Kate.
It's 4:30.
We'll fax it.
Kate McKay's office.
They hung up.
Hi. Is Patrice there?
Hey, Patrice?
Hi. It's me, Charlie.
Hey, Charlie.
I was just calling to find out
if you got my flowers--
your flowers.
I was calling to see if you got
the flowers I sent you.
Yeah, I did.
And I was just wondering
if you would like to go
to a movie tonight
and maybe
afterwards perhaps
accompany me to dinner?
I mean, l...
I understand completely
if you're otherwise engaged.
But, uh, you know,
I just wanted to say that, um...
Yeah?
I wanted to say
that you've, uh...
you've made an impression on me.
And-and it-it's not
just the way you look--
I mean, which are great.
Your looks are,
you know, top-top shelf.
But, uh...
I don't know, it's, um...
What?
You're graceful.
You know, the way you move
and speak.
I mean, some people have a way
with words
and, you know, you... you do.
The bottom line is, I like you.
Patrice?
What about 7:00?
Okay.
See you then.
It worked!
It worked! Oh! Who's going out
with Patrice?
Charlie's going out
with Patrice!
Charlie's going over there.
Oh, better go get ready.
Better go get changed.
Shouldn't change
too much, though
'cause she likes me
for who I am.
Oh.
Hey.
Charlie, you look fantastic.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
I got a date.
I got to go. Bye.
Bye.
Kate?
Yeah?
Um, have a good time tonight.
Bye.
My God.
This is beautiful.
The very word for which
I was searching.
May I?
She was a real romantic, my mom.
When Prince Charles and Lady Di
got married, she had a party.
She made crumpets and jam.
It was like a Super Bowl party,
but for moms.
She cried for a week.
I don't know the story
of Prince Charles
and Lady Di.
Oh, you don't want to.
It's a cautionary tale.
Further proof.
Of what?
You can't live a fairy tale.
I'm not very good with men.
Perhaps you haven't found
the right one.
Maybe.
Or, uh, maybe
the whole love thing
is just a grown-up version
of Santa Claus
just a myth we've been fed
since childhood
so we keep buying magazines
and joining clubs
and doing therapy
and watching movies
with hit pop songs
played over love montages
all in this pathetic attempt
to explain why our love Santa
keeps getting caught
in the chimney.
Otis always told me
love is a leap.
Lamentably,
I was never inspired to jump.
By my 30th birthday,
I had, according to my uncle
become a blemish
on the family name.
So he brought me to this country
with the proviso
I marry an American.
A girl
with a good deal of, um...
Charm?
Money. Since my parents died
our family fortune had become,
shall we say, depleted.
I would be married now
if I hadn't followed Stuart.
I was to announce a bride
that night.
Who?
I don't know.
Someone.
One of them.
What are you doing?
I'm just cleaning up.
Would you do me the
honour of a dance?
Please?
I am not much of a dancer.
You're doing famously, then.
Leopold, this was lovely.
But I don't know
if I can leap
even if I am inspired.
People might think I'm
brave, but I'm not.
The brave are simply those
with the clearest vision
of what is before them.
Glory and danger alike
and notwithstanding,
go out to meet it.
Hey.
Morning, Charles.
How was your evening
with Patrice?
Good. Nice.
How was yours?
Good. Nice.
So, Leo, don't you think it's
time you tell me who you are?
What do you mean?
I mean...
it's a blast doing
the duke thing with you 24/7
but I don't want to see Kate
go through Stuart: The Sequel.
I know she seems
pretty tough
but she hasn't
had it that easy.
She's always getting
stuck with people
who don't hold up their end.
Like me. I just don't...
I understand, Charles.
You do?
Yes.
So... who are you?
I am the man
who loves your sister.
Okay, door's open.
Shut the lid.
Push the drawers in.
Close the door, and
you push this button.
A word to the wise:
Don't press that
till she wakes up.
So she sees you doing it.
Oh, clever.
The proverbial
tree in the woods.
If a man washes a dish
and no one sees it...
Did it happen?
Right.
A cup of coffee, my dear.
Thank you.
Breakfast?
Nine-grain toast
with strawberries
and mascarpone, madame.
It's apparently low
in polyunsaturates.
It's really good.
It's good.
What should we do today?
Oh no, no, no,
no, no, no.
Thank you. No.
You know what
makes me happy?
You don't look
good in those.
They're so completely
inappropriate for you.
Kate.
Kate, Kate, come.
Leopold? Leopold?
Hey, what are you doing?
It boggles the mind
that it is still here.
This is my uncle's home.
Well, was.
This is where I lived.
Good Lord.
A portrait of my parents...
and me.
Uh... uh, Leopold?
Look, I just don't think
that we should just be barging
around here like that.
Leopold?
My old quarters.
What are you doing?
Hey.
The place where I put
everything I most cared for.
Hmm.
Things I didn't want
my uncle to touch.
My mother's ring.
Oh, it's beautiful.
You know,
I live on an island
connected to everything
by bridges
and I never cross them.
I've lived here
for ten years
and I've never been
to the other side of anything.
You've never travelled?
No.
Do you...
What?
Do you miss where
you're from?
In a way, l...
I miss...
I miss its rhythm.
It was slower?
Quite a bit slower.
Like today?
Yes.
Wherever you're going,
I'm going your way...
Do you hear that, Leopold?
-Do you hear that music?
-Yes.
Have you ever seen the movie
Breakfast a Tiffany's?
Uh, no.
"No."
Not yet.
You see that guy down
there with the light on?
Mm-hmm.
He listens to the soundtrack
of Breakfast at Tiffany's
every night
until exactly midnight.
And then he
turns his light off
goes to sleep.
My huckleberry friend
Moon River and me.
Oh, that means
it's Sunday.
Oh, I don't want
it to be Sunday.
I want more of this.
More 1876.
But, Kate, you don't
work on Sundays.
We can have more.
Well, oh, no,
'cause Sunday is the day before
the day I work, so...
it gets poisoned.
I see.
Besides, tomorrow
is the day
we shoot
your commercial.
Kate.
Hmm?
Would you...?
Might you ever... consider...?
Hmm?
It's time for bed.
Oh.
I'm so relaxed.
That's all right.
Oh...
You're tucking me in.
Yes.
Huh, you're my Otis.
Yes, Your Grace.
Oh, wait.
Hey, hey, don't...
don't go upstairs.
Stay.
I love you, Kate McKay.
Scone, Your Grace?
Ah, thank you, Millard.
And you brought
the Farmer's Bounty?
But of course.
Ah!
Fresh creamery butter.
Is there anything more
comforting?
I say there is
and perhaps you'll agree
when you sample fat-free
Farmer's Bounty
with the genuine essence
of creamery butter
in every bite.
With every mouthful
of Farmer's Bounty
you shall receive butter's
luxurious comfort
in your mouth
without adding to the luxury
of your waistline.
-Farmer's Bounty.
Now, on this one
take a bite and smile.
And... cut!
All right, check gate.
-Good enough for me.
Can we get a Dedo up here
and something...
Oh, excuse me.
Excuse me. Is this an actual
sample of Farmer's Bounty?
Yeah. Why?
This tastes like saddle soap.
Well, that's not really
your concern, now, is it?
Not my concern?
This product tastes
like raw suet.
How is that not my concern?
Hey, pal, it's a paycheck!
-Wait a minute.
-Paycheck?
A... This is an outrage!
Don't worry
about the taste.
Come back.
We need another shot.
Something that brings
the light up on this...
Leopold.
Leopold!
Hey! Leopold,
what's going on?
What are you doing?
They-they need you
back in there.
Do they?
Yeah. They have to shoot
the rest of the spot.
They're not finished yet.
Well, I want
no part of it.
Why?
Have you tasted it?
Farmer's Bounty?
Yes, Farmer's Bounty.
Yeah, I've tasted it.
It's revolting.
I know.
You know it's revolting
yet you have no qualms
enlisting me to endorse it?
It's diet;
it's supposed to be awful.
I mean, what is the problem?
The problem is
that for no reason
beyond my affection for you
I find myself peddling pond scum
to an unsuspecting public.
Hey, listen, you know
the stakes are very high
for me here.
You can't just quit because...
Yes, I can, and so can you.
When one finds oneself
participating
in an endeavour entirely
without merit, one withdraws.
No. No. Because sometimes
you have to do things
that you don't like.
Sometimes you have to suck it up
and finish what you started.
It's part of life.
You sound like my uncle.
Look, Leopold,
Jansen Foods is
a very important
account for my company.
If you don't go
back in there
then I get into
a lot of trouble.
Is this what you do
at work, Kate?
Research methods
to deceive people?
Refine lies until
they resemble truth?
It's no wonder
you dread your work week.
Oh! Man, I don't
have time for this.
What has happened
to the world?
You have every convenience,
every comfort
yet no time for integrity.
No. What I don't have time for
are pious speeches
by 200-year-old men
who've never had to work
a day in their life.
You have no idea
what I've done with my life.
And you-you have no idea
what I've done with mine!
I haven't had all that many
comforts and conveniences
Leopold, because I've been
paying dues all of my life
and I'm tired, and I need a rest
and if I have to peddle
a little pond scum to get one
then so be it.
Very well.
We're kidding ourselves,
Leopold.
In point of fact
I don't even really know
who you are.
You still don't believe
I'm the man I say I am?
We had a great weekend;
that's that.
And now it's Sunday.
It's over.
There's such a lot of world
to see...
I know.
I know, I know,
it sounds crazy--
talking about... finding a crack
in time under the East River.
But in, in point,
in point fact, Gretchen
you know...
it is no more crazy than, uh,
a dog finding a rainbow.
Dogs are colour-blind, Gretchen.
They don't see colour.
Really?
Just like we can't see time.
We can feel it.
Oh... we can feel it passing
but, uh, we can't see it;
it's just a blur.
It's like, uh...
it's like we're riding
in a, in a supersonic train
and the world is
just blowing by.
But imagine if we could stop
that train, Gretchen. Hmm?
Imagine if we could stop
that train
get out, look around
and see time
for what it really is.
A universe, a world
a thing as unimaginable
as colour to a dog.
And as real and tangible
as that chair you're sitting in.
Now, if we could see it
like that
I mean, really look at it
then... maybe we could see
the flaws as well as the form.
And that's it.
It's that simple.
That's all I discovered.
I'm just a...
just a guy who saw a crack
in a chair
that no one else could see.
I'm that dog
who saw a rainbow.
Only, uh...
none of the other dogs
believe me.
I believe you.
I can see that some things have
happened since I went away.
But...
you have to go back.
You understand
you'll be going back
to the same day
you left, April 28.
Yes.
So you understand
you might be repeating
a few things.
You might even see me.
Just don't follow me
this time.
Can I go in?
J.J., you asked to see me?
Come on in.
I understand you, uh,
put out a fire
at the shoot yesterday.
Guess Mr. Duke's got a bit
of an ego on him, huh?
Yeah.
I'm going to England
this week
and I made a decision.
Mm-hmm.
You're going to be
the top New York honcho.
So, this is going
to be your office.
I'll be making it official
tonight.
Thank you, J.J.
Thank you.
You've earned it.
I'm heading over
to Jansen to sign
the buy-out papers,
FTC stuff.
So I'll see you later
at the thing.
-What did he say?
-I got it.
Oh, my God,
that's wonderful!
Just give me one second,
I'm sorry, Darci. One second.
Hi. You've reached Stuart.
Please leave a message.
Hello?
Leopold, l-I don't know
where you are
but if you're there,
please pick up.
I got it.
I got the job.
I'm the new
senior vice president
at CRG.
Uh, please call me.
I, um... I'm sorry about the way
things came down yesterday.
I apologize.
I, uh... I just really
need to see you.
I'd love to see you tonight
but I have this thing
at Farmer's Bounty.
But I'd love to see you later.
I miss you.
I miss you.
Hey, Stuart.
How you feeling?
Where's Leo?
He went home.
He was for real.
He was for real.
Holy shit!
Look at this!
Oh, my God.
Chilled, do you understand?
Chilled.
And be sure to leave another
case of the Chateau Lafitte.
Yes, sir.
Leopold!
Leopold!
Where have you been?!
Otis, I demand explication!
It's half past 5:00!
He's not even dressed!
He'll be ready, my lord,
I assure you.
I don't want him ready.
I want him resplendent!
Here's the invitation.
You've got your table number,
your car number
and I've got Morty down there--
the guy you like.
He's on the Madison side.
Also, your phone sheet
is in here.
And Stuart called
you a couple times.
So, have a great
time tonight.
You look beautiful.
I don't think this is right.
I'm supposed to be
going to 2640 Madison.
That's where we are,
Miss McKay.
Have a nice evening.
Hi.
Hello.
Invitation, please.
Yes.
They're still plugs.
They're just randomly seeded
with Minoxidil.
No cornrows.
Excuse me.
Hey, Kate.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
The hell with facelifts.
I'm into mini-lifts now.
Just a tiny little bit
each year.
I hear they're bringing
back the 840 next year.
So I'm just running
out the lease.
-Kate, congratulations.
-Thanks, Bob.
Hey, Kate.
-Congratulations.
-J.J. Hi, Barry.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Anyway, I'm just glad
they've got them fixed.
I was going to move my office
down to the lobby.
Excuse me.
Kate, don't powder
your nose for too long.
I'm going to
give this speech
in a couple minutes.
Okay.
All this time I thought
that I had pretzled fate
and it had to be untwisted.
But what I never considered
is that the whole thing
is a pretzel.
A beautiful 4D pretzel
of kismetic inevitability.
Okay, you know what,
get off Park
as soon as you can,
and then go up Madison.
I was supposed to go back.
He was supposed to come forward
then he was supposed
to go back again and...
so was she.
Now it is my pleasure
and honour...
...to take priests
to the bell tower.
You speak of progress
and invention.
But what I offer you
downstairs is reality.
Take a wife.
Marry.
Let us not bother
with this banter, Uncle.
Tell me whom you want me
to marry.
Well, who has the most money.
Well... that would be Miss Tree
of the Trees of Schenectady.
Good.
Consider it done.
Otis, fetch the ring.
I will announce at midnight.
Invitation, please.
Uh, hello.
My name is Stuart Besser.
I'm sorry, I know
we're not on your list
but his sister is Kate McKay;
she works here.
I'm sorry, sir,
I can't just let you in.
...and I learned that there was
one thing that I could do
and it didn't require money
and it didn't require
a fancy school.
I learned that I could
please people.
And there is nothing wrong
with that!
I am a people pleaser, people!
Whoo!
J.J.:
Thank you so much.
I am so...
Kate!
Stuart!
Charlie!
What are you doing?
Take a look
at these pictures, Kate.
No! No-no-no-no!
Now it's time
to introduce the woman
who's going to be holding down
the fort in our New York offices
our own little rising star,
Miss Kate McKay!
Just listen to me
for a second, okay, please?
They're introducing me
downstairs right now!
I'm sorry I was
a lousy boyfriend.
I'm sorry I let you down.
I know all you wanted
was someone you could trust...
Oh, Stuart, really
I can't talk about our
relationship right now.
No, Kate, just listen
to me, okay? Please.
Maybe we weren't such
a waste of time after all.
I mean, maybe there's
a reason I was your guy.
What are you talking about?
Maybe I was supposed to help
you find your guy... Leopold.
You got to go back, Kate.
You got to go back there.
Go back?
How?
You have to jump
off the Brooklyn Bridge
within the next 23 minutes.
-J.J.
-Kate?
Oh...
Kate, just look
at the pictures, okay?
Is there a... a Kate McKay
in the house?
Yeah. Here I am!
Kate?
Here she is.
Here she is.
Well, without further ado
the new senior vice president
of our New York offices.
Here she is, ladies and
gentlemen-- Kate McKay.
Whoa, whoa! Whoa.
You okay?
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Quite an entrance, huh?
Thank you, J.J.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Wow.
Well, it's a great night.
We here at CRG have always
considered ourselves
to be in the "Find what
people want" business
and at Jansen, you guys are
in the "Make what
people want" business.
So, imagine
what we can do together.
We'll be able to find out
exactly what people want
and make it... for them.
So... yeah, so our customers...
will be able to get exactly...
Uh...
...what they...
...they want.
And, uh...
...it's a great thing to...
to get what you want.
Uh, it's a really good thing.
Unless what you thought
you wanted wasn't really
what you wanted
because what you really...
...wanted
you couldn't imagine, or you
didn't think it was possible.
But... but what if someone
came along who knew
exactly what you wanted
without asking?
They just knew.
Like they could...
hear your heart beating
or listen to your thoughts.
And what if they were sure
of themselves
and they didn't have
to take a poll
and they loved you...
and you hesitated?
Uh...
And... I have to go.
I, uh... I'm sorry,
but I have to go.
Kate?
Stuart, can you tell me
in short, complete sentences
featuring no words
over two syllables
why exactly
I am in these pictures?
Probably not.
Try.
-Because you were there.
-I wasn't.
I would remember.
Believe me, I would remember
-if I was there.
-Because you're going
to be there.
If we get there in time.
These are pictures
of the past, not the future.
Not exactly.
Theoretically speaking
if you go to the past
in the future
then your future
lies in the past.
And that is a picture of you
in the future in the past.
We have to make a run
for it. Let's go.
Come on, come on.
Let's go, let's go.
Come on!
Whoa, where the hell do
you think you're going?
$6.80 on the metre, pal.
It's going to close, Kate!
Come on!
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention?
The Duke of Albany
will be making
a very important announcement
in 20 minutes
from this very stage.
And I believe it shall be
an announcement
that will justify
the playing of a bridal waltz.
Okay...
this is the hard part.
-What?
-The girder.
The girder?
You have to cross
the girder, Kate.
That girder?
Stuart, I can't cross
that girder.
-I can't go across...
-You love him, right?
What?
Leopold.
You love him, right?
Yeah.
That's all you need to know.
Now go.
-You'll be fine.
-Katie...
Charlie... Charlie,
what am l...
How are you...
No, don't worry about me.
-Now, Kate, now.
-Now?
The portal's going to close.
-All right.
-Go.
Jesus.
Whoo!
Oh, God.
You can do it.
Don't look down.
Oh, shit.
Charlie...
I'll love you forever.
Love you.
It's okay.
Lady... Lady, what
are you doing?
Step back, lady.
-It's okay.
-Step back from there, lady.
Come back, lady.
Central, be advised.
This is Breech Post Four.
I've got a jumper
on the southwest location
of the bridge.
Have a supervisor,
ESU and Harbour respond
to this location forthwith.
Ladies and gentlemen
it is with a glad heart
and a bright eye
that I proudly introduce
my beloved nephew
Leopold, Duke of Albany.
Thank you.
Thank you, Uncle Millard.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, madam, but
this is a private affair.
No, you don't seem
to understand.
I need to get inside.
I need to get inside
right now and...
What seems to be the problem?
Are you Otis?
Well, let us proceed.
Please raise your glasses...
so we may toast
to my bride-to-be
the woman whose
welfare and happiness
shall be my solemn duty
to maintain.
-Oh!
-The future Duchess of Albany...
Kate McKay.
Of the McKays of...?
Massapequa.
Massapequa.
I love you.
I love you.
If I caught the world
in a bottle
And everything was still
beneath the moon
Without your love,
would it shine for me?
If I was smart as Aristotle
And understood
the rings around the moon
What would it all matter
if you loved me?
Here in your arms where
the world is impossibly still
With a million dreams
to fulfill
And a matter of moments
until the dancing ends
Here in your arms when
everything seems to be clear
Not a solitary thing
would I fear
Except when this moment comes
near the dancing's end
If I caught the world
in an hourglass
Saddled up the moon
so we could ride
Until the stars grew dim
Until...
One day
you'll meet a stranger
And all the noise
is silenced in the room
You'll feel that you're close
to some mystery
In the moonlight
and everything shatters
You feel as if you've
known her all your life
The world's oldest lesson
in history
Here in your arms where
the world is impossibly still
With a million dreams
to fulfill
And a matter of moments
until the dancing ends
Here in your arms when
everything seems to be clear
Not a solitary thing
do I fear
Except when this moment
comes near the dancing's end
Oh, if I caught the world
in an hourglass
Saddled up the moon
and we would ride
Until the stars grew dim
Until the time
that time stands still
Until...