I used to only make
that art house crap.
And Berlin's pseudo-intellectual, pop
culture idiots would watch that shit.
Deep down inside, I was very unhappy.
Then at this retrospective,
they showed
"Life Is All You Get"
for the millionth time.
I was sitting in the theater
and suddenly all I could do was cry.
RABBIT WITHOUT EARS
You had a breakdown. Tell us about it.
I realized
I was letting life pass me by.
And then I said to myself, Jrgen,
"To hell with that cool dude and his
tooth gap. You can be more than that!"
Jrgen, you spent the last 8 months
in California.
A wonderful country, great people.
The glass is always half full.
I took a few classes
with a motivation trainer there.
He showed me
you can make your dreams come true!
Your appearance
has changed a bit, too.
Yes. Even if it's hard to believe,
I used to have an inferiority complex
about my teeth and my looks.
I covered it up by telling jokes.
They say you went under the knife
of a famous plastic surgeon,
any comment?
I had my teeth
and my cheek bones done.
Hair implants and some silicone work.
Silicone?
Where?
Butt implants! All the stars do it.
Check it out.
Here, check it out! Here!
They all have them. J-Lo, everybody.
Jrgen, is this all because
you'll be turning 40 soon?
I don't have a problem with
getting older. I never looked better.
- I understand now what life's about.
- And that is?
It may sound superficial,
but it's true.
For years I preached to my kids
about inner values, but it's rubbish!
- Appearances count. Values catch up.
- Last question.
Jrgen, last question.
You had surgery.
It's amazing. You look great!
What would you say if your kids
suddenly wanted plastic surgery, too?
I mean, you're a role model.
They might try to emulate you.
If it makes them feel better, why not?
It's walls in our heads.
That's what I'm talking about.
Free yourself from them
and you can do anything.
Don't let life pass you by.
Take control yourself.
You're your own captain
on your own big ship of life.
Yeah.
Alright, guys. I gotta go!
He used to be so cool.
Now he's pumped up with silicone.
America really can corrupt you.
But everyone here
has silicone boobs, too.
It's fine for boobs,
but not Jrgen's ass!
- There's good and bad plastic surgery?
- Sure!
Look out!
Look out!
Children, ear flaps on!
It's a crosswalk, you giant asshole!
I'd be a blind bat
with those on my nose too!
Four-eyes!
Where were we?
Oh yeah.
Boob reductions
are pointless operations.
Boob augmentations, liposuction,
getting rid of cellulite,
absolutely necessary.
What about penis extensions?
You have the ability to ruin
every serious discussion we have.
Pull over. The minister's lover.
Right by a baby shop!
- Shopping with our taxes, Mandy?
- I'm just taking a walk.
So that's not actually a pram there?
Just an oversized purse on wheels?
It's not mine.
I saw it sitting there.
When the baby's here, what then?
Will you tell us it's your new,
diaper-wearing, bald boyfriend?
Ludo, I've told you before,
I'm not pregnant!
Oh, so I must be mistaken then.
Maybe you've just gotten fat!
- Fat?
- Sure, I'll just write 'fat.'
Ludo, you know what?
You're a real bastard!
MINISTER'S LOVER PREGNAN
There you are.
You brought our sweet little Lollo.
He behaves so well in restaurants!
I told you, Lollo.
Your uncle was
looking forward to seeing you.
- Since he forgot your birthday.
- Oh, shit!
Shit! Shit!
Shit! Shit!
Sweet kid.
Weren't you in India at the orphanage?
I was, and I brought back
sweet little Shiva here.
Is she your latest?
If his mouth is open, he's lying.
And he's useless in bed, too.
- Wasn't my impression.
- All faked.
I'm sorry you slept with my brother.
- But I want to order.
- Let's get it over with.
Ludo?
How would you like
a nice big dish of meat?
Lots of different kinds?
Just one gets so boring.
Just water.
But not a hysterical,
reproachful water
that's never heard
of one-night stands.
A calm, non-stressful one.
I'll have the meat platter.
Sounded good.
Still no news. If he hasn't called
by tonight, I'll forget it.
What about
that graphic artist you always call?
No way. It's over. For good.
He's such a pervert!
- What? Why?
- Doesn't matter.
- No, tell me.
- No, it's yucky.
- Fine, then don't.
- Alright, if you insist.
He said he wanted me
to pee the next time we meet.
What? In front of him?
- I couldn't do that.
- Anna, on him!
You've got a knack
for finding weirdoes.
I know.
But I have stories to tell,
unlike you.
But I wouldn't constantly order
anchovy pizza,
I know it tastes bad.
- Pizzas don't give you orgasms.
- Guys do?
- True.
- When you eat it, the pizza's gone.
Pizza won't say it's too young
for responsibility at 38.
- You don't have to say it was good.
- It doesn't look at you saying,
"Come! Come! Come!"
Quiet up there!
Enjoy.
Jeez, Ludo.
You can't go on like this forever.
Why?
My job is fun. I've got great friends.
I date pretty women.
And what about love,
affection and security?
The warmth of a family?
Seeing your sleeping child
and feeling your heart burst with joy.
You're missing
the best things in life.
Lollo, come here now!
Moritz? Okay, I'm coming.
Gotta run.
Klitschko is proposing
to Yvonne Catterfeld.
- That soccer player?
- Precisely.
It never happened before
and never will.
Then get yourself a new guard.
It's all cordoned off.
We can forget it.
Go cry with the other girls.
I'm getting my shot!
You're so cruel.
Being realistic
doesn't make me a pansy.
Andreas.
- You okay?
- Ludo!
- We need seats in the restaurant.
- Not today.
What are you smiling at?
Lucky I don't smack you one.
What're we going to do?
Has your boss seen the photos
of your party
in the President Suite?
What party?
Remember? The cute mustached guys.
In police uniforms. Were they real?
How about free passes
to our wellness area?
The sundeck has
a fantastic view of the city lights.
Do we look like frustrated wives?
And of the gorgeous, see-through
glass dome over our restaurant.
What will it be? A massage?
A Cleopatra bath? A facial?
We have 10 minutes. What's quick?
- Wellness means relaxation and not...
- Fine. I'll take the massage.
Excellent. Danielle?
Yes.
- Hello.
- Hello.
May I take you to my room?
You may undress there.
Glad to.
Would you give me
the Cleopatra bath?
Of course I will.
Me and a few slutty maids
looking for an extra buck.
It's our special service for perverts
who think this is a cheap brothel.
Okay, sorry. It doesn't hurt to ask.
- So what's the quickest?
- Thorsten!
One full body depilation!
Depilation? Doesn't that hurt?
- It depends.
- On what?
If you have hair or not.
What's that weird squeaking?
It's the sound
of dolphins in the ocean.
It's very relaxing.
Sure having fun, those dolphins.
Dolphins are very social.
- Almost human.
- Ludo, I'm coming!
I think one of them is called Ludo.
Ludo! Ludo!
- Au revoir!
- Au revoir.
Dear friends, my dear Yvonne...
An old Russian proverb says:
Even if women were made of glass,
you couldn't see through them.
That way. Go.
And my personal opinion on that:
proverbs are often complete nonsense!
- Come on!
- What is this shit?
When I first saw you at
the Golden Camera, standing there...
- Ouch!
- Come on!
- Looking at me with those blue eyes.
- I remember, my buttercup...
It's the perfect shot!
- This wax is stuck to the railing.
- Then rip it off.
The hell I will.
Do you know how much that'll hurt?
At that moment I knew...
...that I had fallen in love
with you, with your beauty.
Come and take the damn picture!
Your soul.
Your heart.
Ludo, it's glass! It'll break!
- Your gracefulness.
- "It'll break!"
Panda bear, that's lovely,
but "brevity is the soul of wit."
Watch!
Get to the point.
Is that cracking?
We're hungry.
- Yvonne, I love you.
- It's bullet-proof.
And I want to ask you here and now...
- Did you invite him?
- No, but since he dropped in...
Little man...
I don't remember inviting you.
Resume the Ludo Decker hearing.
Let's move to the sentencing.
Why is she
giving me that evil look?
Actually, she's looking at me.
She's cross-eyed.
How do you know that?
She's my ex-wife.
Your ex-wife? Shit! Then she's biased.
No! We separated on good terms.
- Really? Look at her expression.
- I know.
She looked like that at our wedding.
Believe me, it doesn't mean a thing.
Have the gentlemen finished?
Then I may proceed.
The court regards the defendant's
claim to have gotten lost
on the hotel roof
a feeble attempt at self-protection.
The court holds the defendant's
behavior to be highly immature.
The court moves to forego
the fine requested by the prosecutor.
Bingo, I said so!
The defendant should be allowed
to work on his poor social skills.
I sentence him to 8 months of jail.
- I'm going to jail!
- Wait!
Erika! Come on!
Sit your ass down!
The sentence will be suspended.
Terms will be 300 hours'
community service.
- In a city day-care center.
- She can't!
She can!
If the defendant violates probation,
the prison sentence will be enforced.
DAILY CHECKMATED
Hot off the press this morning,
for gentlemen with kind regards.
He screwed you two!
When I say screwed, I mean it.
And that Jrgen Vogel
screwed you two idiots
good and proper.
He's laughing at us!
Including me!
Do you know what I can't stand?
Do you know?
- When someone makes fun of us.
- You deserve a diploma!
Things like that happen.
Remember Hitler's diary?
So? And did we print it?
- No.
- Now here's something funny.
Your naked ass on Klitschko's
wedding ring. Hilarious, ain't it?
Let's get it on YouTube, eBay!
And to change the subject,
how did it go in court?
They hit me with 300 hours'
community service.
Was she mad?
What?
You'll have to cut back a little
on your free-time.
Cut back.
Cut back on fuck-bunnies. Good one!
And now get out! Okay?
But instead of Stefan and Lukas,
you two get me pictures of those
folk music morons! Got it? Go!
Michi Nussbaumer and Daniela Berg.
You have decided to tie the knot
after 9 long years.
Michi, why did you wait so long?
Well, I asked my sweet pea before,
but she didn't want me.
When we were on Karl Moik's show,
Michi came to me and said
"We'd make a super team.
Whaddya say?"
Why did you say no, Dani?
We were only 12.
It was our first TV performance.
Michi, there have been strange rumors
of you wanting to separate.
And others about an affair.
Any comment?
They're nonsense.
Wouldn't you like to try the meat?
The world isn't always rosy
in our business.
And yet our job
is the best in the world!
We don't just sing
'Baby, yeah, yeah' all the time.
Our music comes from the heart.
- Andi had a problem with Dani and me.
- What are you talking about?
- Tell 'em!
- What?
Well?
Shall we take the photo
in front of the wedding cabinet?
- Fine.
- May we go to the toilet?
- We need to go to the toilet.
- I'm eating.
I'll keep an eye on that.
Up the staircase and straight ahead.
You want me to hide in the cabinet?
Just until something happens.
Then snap and go.
Shall I just stroll out,
"Hi! Could I have another sausage?"
- Think of something.
- Then you sit here!
Are you nuts?
I have to get to that day-care.
And what if they don't fight?
Things looked very sweet just now.
I think the sausage has gone to
your head. I'm relying on you. Okay?
- I can say what I want, stupid cow!
- So the tabloids can write
- you're screwing that slut.
- Manuela can't even spell slut.
Because she's so stupid!
I hate this stupid Bavarian crap!
This saccharin bullshit!
Then go back to your home town
and your job at the meat counter.
- Pulling Andi into this was low!
- He told everyone.
Andi Borg knows. Karl Moik knows.
Florian Silbereisen knows.
If he knows, then Carmen does.
Who's fault is it?
Whose hormones are out of control?
- At least I have some.
- I hate you!
Hey!
Hey! Are you crazy?
Grandpa's favorite bell.
It's broken!
Michi, I didn't mean it like that.
- Hello, I'm...
- Ludo Decker. I don't believe it.
- Have we met?
- Yes. I'm Anna Gotzlowski.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
- No?
Think hard.
Isn't it sometimes nicer not to call
and keep the memory of it?
- What are you on about?
- I was probably drunk.
Are they from our garden?
- Did you rip them out?
- No.
They're for you.
- So what do you want?
- I'm here for my community service.
That's you?
Come in.
- Nice glasses.
- Bootlicker.
Could I use the toilet?
- Right here.
- Thanks.
And aim for Snow White!
- What are you doing here?
- I have to pee.
With a phone?
No. 1 or No. 2?
- Who's asking?
- I am.
That way.
And aim for Snow White!
Come on, think hard. Anna Gotzlowski.
Gotzlowski. With a 'G'!
- And she's butt-ugly?
- Nerdy glasses and a cat jersey.
- You'd never talk to someone like her.
- I just don't know.
What about
that children's benefit gala?
- You left with the 'Leute' presenter.
- The film prize?
- The twin hostesses.
- And the Aids gala?
The Asian weightlifter. I wanted her.
No private calls! Time for work!
Got it? Hang up! Thanks.
- Remember the meeting with the boss.
- No can do. I can't leave.
The hell I will!
His blood pressure is already 580!
Don't cry. I'll be there ASAP.
I have to brown nose for a while.
- A brown hose?
- Nose!
What do you mean 'hose'?
Good grief!
Do you remember now?
I can give you a hint:
Playing field.
Bortshausen.
Soccer.
Hey, four-eyes!
Here it comes.
Very funny, Ludo.
Laugh it up!
- You were Susi's or Bine's friend?
- Nope.
But we had a load of fun together.
Or you had your fun with me.
You played that funny game with me.
- 3, 2, 1.
- What was it called?
- Fire!
- Magnet bingo?
Yeah! Magnet bingo! Now I remember.
Small world!
You're little Anna.
You always tattled on me to my sister.
Stupid idiot!
I'm telling your sister!
- And I thought we had had sex.
- I was eight!
We're only good, old friends. Super!
- We're not friends.
- Come on. I used to give you Cokes.
Your parents wouldn't let you drink
that American crap.
Hey, four-eyes!
Nice glasses.
Thanks.
- Want a tasty Coke?
- Coke is very yummy.
Catch!
Thanks.
- You asshole!
- That was funny!
You'll have your fun soon enough.
Promise.
Then he'll have to wait!
Ask him about his stupid vacation home
on Sylt! That'll calm him down again.
- Turn it off.
- I'm working.
- Right. We need a new jungle gym.
- I'm a journalist, not a handyman.
I'll put it together, you can help
Cheyenne-Blue in the john.
- She has trouble with Snow White.
- I'll build it. Where is it?
You're sitting on it.
Here are the instructions.
It should be easy.
Just follow the arrows.
Unfortunately it's all in Dutch.
Are you sure
it's not for a jet engine?
Listen up, jerk. If you refuse,
one call to your probation officer
and you land in jail.
Thank you.
Same to you, stupid cow.
You say pretty funny things.
Really? Then you're
the only girl here who thinks so.
Maybe we should've given him
the German instructions.
You can't be serious!
I told you everything he did to me.
But he is kinda sexy. Don't you think?
- What's sexy about him?
- His butt, for example. Pretty hot.
You're drooling.
He's only a stupid underwear model.
Hello?
No way! I don't believe it!
Lena-Chantal, that's why
you have to pick your things!
You clean up your crap!
You clean up after yourself!
No phone calls here!
- Give it to me now!
- You're kidding.
- Give me your telephone!
- No way!
- Okay, friend...
- I thought we weren't friends.
Don't you have a job?
- Something to do with a jungle gym?
- I'm done.
- No way. Where?
- Where you wanted it.
I want to see it.
- What the hell is this?
- A pretty wild jungle gym set.
- No, it's not. It's a disease.
- I didn't have much time.
Hold on, any half-witted chimp
could put it together in 30 minutes.
If he knew Dutch, sure.
Amazing how guys like you always have
an excuse for your own incompetence.
Women know everything
but can't put together IKEA shelves.
- I've put together thousands!
- At the IKEA world championships?
Stupid ass ass!
Pecker!
Now you've wrecked it.
You really try your hardest.
I said no phone calls!
It's a text message.
I'm allowed to read a message!
No text messaging either!
That didn't hurt.
Nice of you to visit.
We actually wanted to ask you
about day-care.
Now way! He's a trouble maker!
- Only when I'm provoked.
- Don't say that about him!
It's not his fault.
It's a bad idea. If something goes
wrong, the ogre sends me to jail.
- What could happen?
- He's been thrown out of 10 day-cares!
- 8.
- 12.
- And he bit off his au-pair's ear.
- She provoked me.
The doctor said in a few years
her natural skin color will come back.
It'd be my death. So, nice seeing you.
What'd be your death?
Hello, Anna!
Remember me? Lilli, Ludo's sister.
You always tattled to me.
- I didn't tattle.
- Yes, you did.
What's the problem here?
Ludo won't let Lollo
join the day-care group.
Ludo has no say here.
- Welcome to our day-care center.
- Really?
Thanks.
I promise he won't cause trouble.
And if he does?
Then it's your fault. Easy.
"Was the happiness of the Bavarian
beauty and the tawdry trumpeter
just a big lie?
Were things over years ago
when Michi started flirting with the
meat counter girl Manuela S.?"
I'd love to know who cares.
I'd say about 12 million readers.
Stop gabbing, Set up the chairs.
- What's happening?
- Did I say ask questions?
- Bello Bear's Magic Show.
- Bello, who?
You don't know?
An ex music teacher
who writes great children's songs.
A grown-up
who calls himself Bello Bear?
- Of course he thinks it's uncool.
- The kids think he's cool.
Kids think
sticking a pea in your nose is cool.
At least some guys don't
only think about their abs.
When you're done with the chairs,
then you can set up Bello's stage.
I thought the jerk could do magic.
- Good morning. Let's be a bird.
- Eagle!
A big bird with long wings.
An eagle.
A golden eagle.
Now let's be coral in the sea,
swaying back and forth.
- In the sea.
- Alright!
Next time aim for Snow White!
That's why Anna painted it there.
What's so difficult
about pooping straight down!
And you get these back
when you act nice again.
You said they were a present.
Do you want your uncle to get upset?
Good morning, sun!
Good morning, grass!
Good morning, trees!
Hey, Madonna!
Someone wants to join in here.
- Always making fun of everything.
- They'll get in the Waldorf school.
Good morning, globalization opponents!
Good morning, world peace!
Good morning, armpit hair!
Good morning, Ludo!
Good morning, Ludo!
- That'll get 'em in the Rtli school.
- Bello's assistant is sick.
Who cares?
There are lots of kids here!
Shall we all call for Mucky?
Yes!
Mucky!
There's Mucky!
So, who are you?
What kind of a funny boy are you?
- I'm Mucky from the Magic Forest.
- I know, tell the kids!
I'm Mucky from the Magic Forest!
Yes, Mucky
from the Me-My-Magic Forest.
Can you say it louder and funnier?
I'm Mucky from the Magic Forest!
- Get on with it, jerk!
- It's my show, buddy!
Let's sing a magic bear song
and everyone can dance along.
I'm Bi-Ba-Bello. I come from afar
and all the key-kay-kids
call me the magic bear.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah. I'm the magic bear.
Alright, my dear Mucky!
Now it's time for some magic!
Abracadabra!
No good?
You are really spoiled.
Then silly-billy Mucky
will have to help me.
Get your paws off me, jerk!
- Idiot!
- Get lost, asshole!
Do you know how to tie shoes?
Of course. Come here.
Have a seat.
Fine.
These don't have laces.
But they sure are pretty shoes. New?
- No, I've had them for 5 years.
- 5 years! You were born with them?
You're funny.
Say, what's your name?
Cheyenne-Blue.
Cheyenne-Blue? That's a unique name.
My mom's an actress.
Actresses aren't allowed
to give their kids normal names.
I see. And is your dad an actor?
No, he's an asshole!
And your mom's through with men?
My mom says
she can never get enough men.
She's got lots of new ones now.
Hundreds, even thousands.
- And where from?
- From the theater.
where she works.
She chooses one and brings him home.
Your mom sounds real nice.
But they don't get breakfast.
Only I do.
That sounds good.
Hello.
Mommy!
Hey, there.
- Hi, I'm Nina, Cheyenne-Blue's mom.
- Hi, I'm Ludo.
I've heard a lot about you.
My daughter has a crush on you.
I can understand why.
How nice that mom and daughter agree.
And someone as cute as you
can be crazy about kids?
I believe that society is only worth
as much as the love and affection
it shows to its smallest members.
You know, I don't usually do
something like this,
but I'd love to have you over
when the little one's asleep.
Glad to.
Where'd you dig up
this little treasure?
Easy. From his probation officer.
Otherwise he'd have landed in jail.
Really? In jail?
- What?
- Bye.
Ouch! Are you crazy?
- What was that?
- This is not a pick-up joint!
- I am working hard here!
- We're a day-care, not a brothel!
Lighten up, baby!
- Say that again and I'll tell on you.
- Go ahead. Just like the old days.
I've had it.
I'm calling your probation officer.
Let's see how funny jail is.
Go ahead. Say hi for me, too.
I am relaxed! If I want to,
I can really let myself go!
I'm an animal in bed!
And another thing:
you gave the kids darts. Great!
Have you lost your mind?
Do you know what could happen?
Jeez, they're kids
not complete idiots!
Anna.
If the police
don't revoke your license, I will.
- You can't lose what you don't have.
- What?
- Watch out, four-eyes!
- Four-eyes?
I don't even need them to watch TV.
Great! It was new.
Don't you have any other problems?
Stop! Stop!
To the hospital. Fast!
Shit! I'm out of cash.
What's he doing?
Keep driving!
- Money doesn't grow on trees.
- Hey, we've got an injured child.
Do I look like a charity?
- It's an emergency, you bastard!
- Hey, calm down.
Here's a 20.
- Now get driving, jerk!
- Stay calm.
Uncle Ludo.
I can't see anything.
It hurts so much.
Nonsense.
It's just a little mosquito bite.
Just a mosquito bite.
- What are you doing? Keep driving!
- End of the road.
If you have another bill,
I'll keep going.
Asshole!
- You always meet again. Wait and see.
- Ludo, let's go.
Fag!
We need a doctor!
And I need the health card
and your son's name.
Can't you see the dart in his head?
- His name!
- Who the hell cares!
Not in that tone.
Can you pay the processing fee?
Get your fat ass moving
and find a doctor!
Or I'll sue you all
after I smack you in the mouth!
The dart is lodged in the skull,
but hasn't penetrated the bone.
The skull lining is intact.
Now I'll pull out the dart.
It'll hurt a little,
but Indians are brave.
It'll just sting a little.
Just don't look at it.
Look at me.
Lollo! Look me in the eye. Tell me,
what's that bunny you like called?
- Felix.
- Felix, right.
- And what does he have on his back?
- A backpack.
Exactly.
That was it.
We'll clean it up a bit,
and then give you a tetanus shot.
What?
Mom!
- I didn't even cry.
- Great!
A real champion.
That's real important when you have
a rusty dart in your head.
Why not leave them in the sandbox
next time? Raises your chances.
If you keep your eye on the kids
as you did today, you'll really help!
Then lock me in the bathroom.
- With your head down the toilet!
- Asshole!
- Nice to meet you.
- Stop it!
It's okay. We're here almost weekly.
- We both messed up.
- No, you did!
You mess everything up.
You left them in the garden.
And so it's all your fault
that your nephew nearly bled to death!
What are you gaping at?
No forms to fill out?
- Get undressed.
- Everything?
Didn't you want to blow
in the orchestra?
- Okay.
- Alright then.
- Get undressed.
- What instrument should I blow?
You'll see soon enough.
It will be a very big one.
- Pervert!
- It's me.
Hi. I just wanted to say
I didn't call your probation officer.
- Yeah.
- Because I want to stop tattling.
And because I might have been
a little tough on you.
- Is this an apology?
- In a manner of speaking.
A manner of speaking?
- "Dear Ludo..."
- So it's not an apology?
"I may have
emotionally overreacted now and then."
- "I wasn't always fair..."
- Are you reading this?
Nonsense.
"You did great with Lollo today."
"This shone a light
on certain qualities you possess."
- "We should've paid better attention."
- Hey, you are reading it!
"Furthermore I'm sorry for giving you
the complicated Dutch instructions."
"I shall submit the German ones
to you immediately."
- Did you type it or write it by hand?
- Don't keep interrupting.
Does this make everything
alright again?
Is everything alright, you jerk?
- Whose baton is the biggest?
- Yours!
Who's shouting?
- I'm watching a Jackie Chan film.
- Oh.
- There, it's over.
- So what're you...
- What're you doing tomorrow?
- Nothing, why?
- Maybe we could have fish and chips.
- Fish and chips?
I love fish.
You love fish?
Hello?
I opened his present. A trip to
a 5-star wellness hotel on Mallorca.
I figure
I'm with the best guy in the world.
He drives me to the airport.
Kisses me. Separation anxiety.
"How will I manage without you?"
I jokingly say,
"It was your idea, honey."
I'm at the airport.
My flight gets cancelled.
I take a taxi home.
Open the door and walk in.
He's screwing my best friend.
On my blankie.
- I couldn't believe it.
- That's tough.
It gets worse.
They had one of his pornos on!
I never understood
how anyone can watch that stuff.
I put up with it because I loved him.
But he fucks her on my blankie.
- And then?
- Then I threw him out.
We talked it over, nearly made up,
I forgave him...
And then he went to her and the baby.
I did everything for him.
I made a fool of myself.
And he was just a jerk.
No relationship can work
if you're being made a fool of.
Either the one on top dumps the fool,
because he's bored and lost respect.
Or the fool realizes that he's a fool,
that he's selling himself short
and has nothing left, and he goes.
Look at it like this,
you learnt something:
Men are jerks and make you unhappy.
No man in the world can make you happy
if you weren't happy already.
You have to make yourself happy.
It's totally selfish
to wait at home, frustrated,
expecting someone else
to make you happy all the time.
And anyway it's normal to be unhappy.
I don't run around every day saying,
"Life is awesome!"
Why does everyone expect
to be happy all the time?
Sounds nice, but what do you know
about relationships?
You only want sex.
Think I've never had a relationship?
That's why I'm alone!
It's so difficult to find
someone who's got it together
and doesn't expect me
to make them happy.
And blame me for it when they're not.
- So when's your book coming out?
- What book?
"Ludo Decker,
Pour Some Sunshine in Your Life,
Together Alone."
Is it in the library?
It's on eBay.
You can't accept responsibility.
You only want sex.
Why not? It's fun.
What about the girls you sleep with?
Are they having fun, too?
I really think so.
They should be grateful they can
sit at home and be love-sick?
- You think they're in love with me?
- Happens to women sometimes.
Not mine. My women know
what they're getting into.
The boundaries are discussed
from the start.
Ludo, you can discuss all you want,
but things change.
Maybe I sleep with a guy and nothing
happens. A one-night stand. Great!
If it was good,
I keep going back...
At some point I think,
maybe he's got more to him.
By the fifth time women are in love.
Really?
No matter what you've discussed,
it's still no free ticket
to act like an ass and
shirk any responsibility.
Responsibility? I only have it
if I'm together with someone.
If I say from the start, "Let's have
fun, but I don't want a relationship."
Then I'm not an ass.
If you don't get it, tough.
- Then no more sex for you.
- Why not?
You don't get it! They're just acting.
That's the joke.
Listen. You say:
I just want some fun.
She says: Let's just have some fun,
but thinks: Those were duds before me.
He doesn't know I'm the best thing
he's ever had. Wait till he finds out!
You stick to the original agreement,
she's been going down another street
and in the end you're the ass.
So either I have sex and I am an ass,
or I'm not an ass and
I don't have sex, right?
Yes.
Then I'd rather be an ass.
I thought so.
Let's be serious.
That woman has no clue.
That's why she's working
at a day-care center.
- My dad's a renter.
- Center.
No, a renter!
I'm proof she doesn't know
what she's talking about.
I'm a woman.
Right?
I'm telling you,
some women only want sex.
- Maybe they're pretending.
- The hell they are!
- Ludo, relax.
- Don't ruin things.
You're too tense.
I'm a woman and I only want sex.
Dirty,
quick,
hard.
And the best thing is: no ties.
And on top of it:
I turn into a pizza afterward.
Holy cow.
What's up?
Did I do something wrong?
I think you better go.
Is that good?
It's Ludo!
Come in.
- Where's Anna?
- Asleep.
- Has sex ever put you to sleep?
- All the time.
With my ex. It was better that way.
What are you doing here?
What's that?
It is ugly, huh? It's Miriam's.
I'm drinking Ouzo. What're you doing?
Ludo just screwed a woman to sleep.
- Really? No way!
- Really.
- She fell asleep while fucking?
- No.
Not directly.
He licked her to sleep.
- Way cool.
- She was probably playing dead.
Like when animals play dead
to stop anything worse from happening.
Did you dig or pick?
I have to explain something to you
about men.
There are 3 types,
ones who do nothing,
the diggers and the pickers.
The ones who do nothing
expect you to be clean-shaven.
But they aren't.
They expect a nightly blowjob.
Then fall straight asleep.
Their advantage
is that they're harmless.
Then there's the digger.
He's like
a housewife at a clearance sale,
digging for the best buy.
Not life-threatening,
but annoying because he watches you
during sex, and asks if you like it.
And he expects praise. Like this:
Am I good? Should I keep going?
And the last one is the picker.
He thinks he's the best.
Because he's the only one of them
who can find the clit.
He gets going
like there's no tomorrow.
He picks at it like a madman.
I mean, hello!
Do men think
we want to play "Catch the Clit"?
Or what?
If she tilts her pelvis toward you,
then it's good.
If she tilts her pelvis away,
it's not good!
And the main thing is
you don't ever, ever slide down!
If men knew that,
they wouldn't need to be nice.
Ludo knows now.
- That doesn't help us.
- Maybe he'll spread the word.
The hell I will.
Knowing this...
I can rule the world!
Done!
- That's nice!
- It doesn't have ears!
- Still looks nice.
- Without ears, it's not a rabbit.
- Okay, then it's handicapped.
- Looks like a seal with arms.
We can sacrifice it tomorrow.
- To the gods.
- Yeah, burn it!
What's that?
That's a sweet little Easter bunny.
But it's upside-down.
- It has no ears!
- Yes, but this one is sweet.
But it's still upside-down.
If a kid makes it, then it's sweet.
- lf an adult does, you complain.
- Yours has no ears.
- And that one doesn't have any.
- Yes, but this is...
a RabbitWithoutEars.
It doesn't need ears.
It hears with its... nose.
It can hear with its nose?
So this RabbitWithoutEars
looks like a pot-bellied pig, right?
No! Pot-bellied pigs
can't hear with their noses.
It's a very, very sweet
Easter bunny, Cheyenne-Blue.
Ludo's just jealous.
He's not good at handcrafts.
RabbitWithoutEars...
Good night, Seal.
Oh shit!
Any better?
Ludo has pigtails like a girl!
He looks silly!
Ludo has pigtails like a girl!
- Why isn't Anna taking care of us?
- She's got a date.
- What's a date?
- Kissing.
Very funny!
I'm bored.
Me too. Indians are dumb.
You're dumb.
Now everyone, shut up, all right?
- Otherwise I won't tell my story.
- What story?
I can't tell you that.
- It's a surprise story.
- You don't know any!
You have to be quiet.
The coyotes might hear you!
They run around at night
looking for ankle biters like you!
No way.
Hear that?
I think that was one.
So you're not really a real doctor?
I am. I just don't have the title.
It's only a formality.
- Getting that is a breeze.
- Then why don't you have one?
A general practitioner
doesn't really need a doctor's title.
So I can go to you
for my crooked nose?
- I'd refer you to an ENT center.
- What?
An ear-nose-throat center.
I could send Miriam to you
with her short leg.
I'd refer her
to an orthopedic surgeon.
But you can prescribe
some wild party pills, can't you?
In theory, but only neurologists
or psychiatrists can prescribe them.
But you write the referral.
Yes.
- How about a joke?
- Okay.
What did the wife say when she was
pushed down the basement stairs?
- I don't know.
- Bud or Bud Light?
- Do you get it?
- Yeah, but it's misogynistic.
Misogynistic.
Sorry.
You're doing super!
- Will we have to fight the coyotes?
- Maybe.
But I tell you,
if the coyotes are bold enough
to come here,
we'll kick 'em in the tail! Okay?
Hopefully they'll come soon.
There was one.
- Cheyenne-Blue, did you see it?
- Yes.
- What did it look like?
- It had a brown hat on.
- It had a brown hat on?
- And brown clothes.
Change of guard!
Know what I think is the worst?
When they say the boundaries are set
from the start. Nonsense!
No ties. When I hear that...
It's a big lie.
Just admit it!
You all know
we'll end up falling in love.
And so we send
stupid text messages and crap.
But know what I truly think
is the worst?
No, but you can tell me next time.
That way we'll have something
to look forward to. Alright.
I have to get up early. Bye.
Should I come up for a coffee?
Are you still awake?
- I'm standing at the door.
- May I come in?
Sure.
Nice place.
What?
- I twisted my foot.
- Standing there?
Stupid shoe.
How was your date?
- We had a nice chat.
- A chat or a debate?
No, more like an exchange of opinions.
What kind of opinions?
Oh, this and that.
- How men are asses sometimes.
- Was that your opinion or his?
That was mine. I didn't find out his,
because he took off.
Maybe you shouldn't exchange
opinions next time.
I feel so stupid and dumped.
And I got myself all dolled up.
Yeah, you're even wearing a dress.
And slutty high heels.
From Miriam. Didn't help a bit.
I spent an hour in the bathroom,
put on makeup, did my hair up,
went to a beautician, had all my hair
ripped out with burning hot wax!
For 80 euros!
Everywhere?
Everywhere.
Everywhere?
Everywhere. It hurt so bad!
And I was cold all evening.
Miriam said not to wear underwear.
You've got nothing on?
- I'll get a bladder infection.
- Not even a G-string?
Jeez, Ludo!
Focus!
G-strings are underwear, too!
Nothing on? Wow.
I don't believe it!
- The door sticks.
- I know.
You want a coffee?
Yes.
Two sugars please.
I see it like this. We drank a little.
We find one another nice.
We landed in bed. It can happen.
I agree.
But it won't happen again.
Okay.
So everything's fine now.
I thought you'd be a dud in bed.
Funny, I thought that about you.
I was a competitive gymnast.
It was nice.
It was okay.
For you.
How nice. Did you make it for me?
- Thank you.
- You're welcome.
They're really going to miss you.
I'm going to miss them.
They're starting to grow on me.
- Cheyenne-Blue wanted you to stay.
- Really?
I know it sounds funny, but why not?
We could use a man around here.
- I'd love to but I've got a job.
- Yes, I know.
- But I'll visit. Okay?
- Any time.
I could have another go
at the jungle gym.
Then you'd better not come back.
I think I'll miss you too.
Because you won't have someone
to yell at about his sewing.
For an ugly bunny-maker,
you have a hard time with criticism.
You know nothing about art.
It was special
because it was different.
Ludo, can we get going?
I think I'll miss you a bit, too.
Bye.
Hey, My hat!
- Bye.
- Bye.
Ludo, you said...
you thought
you'd miss me a little, too.
That's good.
That's good. That's good, because...
I think I miss you more.
I know you think
we've become good friends...
but it's become more for me.
Although we only slept together once,
not three or four times...
I'll say it straight out:
Ludo, I think I'm in love with you.
Don't panic. It's not your fault.
It's not your fault
and nor is it your responsibility.
Well, maybe a little.
No good. Leave that out.
It's not your responsibility at all.
Anna, you couldn't convince someone
on 'Bold and the Beautiful' with that.
I couldn't?
I don't know. Reconsider it.
Or shorten it up.
Get to the point.
To the point.
Then it'd be good!
- Where are you taking me?
- It's my favorite spot.
If I'd known it was so far,
I'd have brought hiking boots.
Quit complaining.
It's really nice there.
Yes, it is. What do you think?
- Smells a little fishy.
- You're so unromantic.
It was a joke. It's really great.
- What's so special? I'm all ears.
- I wanted to tell you something.
Ludo, they say...
A gull crapped on my shoulder!
- What a mess! I don't believe it.
- They say
it's impossible for men and women
to just be friends.
We prove them wrong.
Although...
Well, I don't know either.
Let me get to the point.
Although we've...
...and not three or four times.
Ludo, let me say it straight out...
And lots.
It's really loud here.
What did you say?
Yes... What? Now?
Okay, I'm coming.
I gotta go.
There's trouble at the office.
It was really nice here. Bye.
How about doing dinner next Wednesday?
Wednesday is super. I can come.
- Super.
- Super.
- I really have to go.
- No problem.
Wednesday.
God!
Keep going, keep going!
Hold on a minute.
- What did I do?
- Don't ask me! We had a date!
We had a date? Shit! I totally forgot!
Yeah, I noticed.
Instead, you fucked that stupid cow!
I didn't fuck her! Honestly!
Hey, I'm really sorry
about forgetting our date.
But it had nothing to do
with that woman. Honestly.
Is 'idiot' written on my forehead?
- I don't see anything.
- Asshole.
I had sex with a woman. So?
You two told me how it all works!
There are no words for you.
- I don't want to see you again.
- What's this about?
We're good friends. Nothing more.
You said so yourself. And now this?
You barge into my apartment
without ringing! It's not normal!
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean it like that.
You're really special to me. Really!
You're like a...
a sister to me.
It's alright, Ludo. Never mind.
I gotta go.
Take care, okay?
Asshole.
Anna, open up!
I'm sorry.
I'm truly sorry.
- I know you're behind the door.
- Go away.
I like you.
Anna, please open up.
Just go away!
Open up!
But you don't have to sue us, do you?
It's a great opportunity for you two.
I can see it now: "Nussbaumer and Berg
make up under the Christmas tree."
- Christmas is a long way off.
- Exactly.
Until then,
we write about your problems.
Psychologists.
Struggling with problems.
Talking it over with the slut.
Manuela? Over my dead body!
Okay, then. Marriage counseling.
Sounds better, huh?
Husband's psychological background.
Interview with the slut.
Where we discover
the slut is press-hungry.
Vacation in the Caribbean,
kisses left and right. Happy ending.
It's important to show everyone
that Michi loves his Dani.
A dumb question, but what about
- Dani having my baby?
- Super!
- Have you lost your mind?
- Why?
No way! No baby, no kisses
in the Caribbean. We're kissed out.
We've been hit with financial losses
and you're going to pay!
Do you two specialists know
what this'll cost us?
We're talking millions here! Millions!
That's about how many idiot-hormones
you two have!
That's it! Red card!
Better yet, red carpet!
Paris, Athens, adieu!
Barbara! Barbara!
Super. Great outfit, I tell you!
Do something wild with your arms!
- Bend over.
- No!
Bend over!
Damn, she's got no taste!
She looks horrible.
Hey, bend over!
She's still not answering?
Can I have a seat?
Thanks.
- It's used.
- Yeah, could be.
Want some, too?
It's actually for the ducks.
Tastes good.
Why so sad?
Can I treat you to an ice cream?
Vanilla?
Vanilla, strawberry, chocolate.
Whatever you want.
- Want to play?
- I don't have time.
- Hey, is Anna here?
- No, She took a few days off.
Really?
What's up? How are you?
Fine. Great.
- Can you tell her I said hi?
- Sure I can.
I better get going.
- Take care.
- Later.
- Are you going?
- I have to.
Hey, Ludo. My hat!
- Bye.
- Bye.
Jrgen. Jrgen, look over here.
I love you. Wonderful!
Show us those pearly whites.
Where'd you get the jacket?
The Socialist good will store?
Watch it!
What's wrong with it?
Nothing.
It's actually quite pretty.
The kitties.
You see!
Thanks, Jrgen.
How about an interview later?
"Superstar Jrgen Vogel's date
is prettiest woman of the evening,
Anna Gotzlowski,
She stole the show with her beauty
blowing away all celebrities
despite her questionable jacket."
You wore your cat jacket?
I don't believe it!
He must really love you.
We're good for each other right now.
It has nothing to do with love.
I'm not talking about Jrgen.
I mean Ludo!
It's too late for that.
Who handed out the brains to you?
Jrgen's skinny four-eyes
on the cover page?
- As prettiest woman of the evening?
- She was!
You think? I don't think so! I thought
Barbara with her knockers was better!
- Maybe it's a question of taste.
- I think so.
No, you don't think here anymore,
my friend! I'm firing you.
Get your crap and buzz off!
Understand?
- Okay, I'm gone in 5 minutes.
- Good.
Know what? You can see
if 'Tagesspiegel' needs a bell boy!
What an ass! What now?
Well?
- Where is everyone?
- Renaissance Theater, kids festival.
Oh.
You look pretty shitty.
I'm not doing too well.
- What you wrote about Anna was sweet.
- Really?
My editor thought it was mediocre.
- I think she liked it, too.
- Honestly?
Great.
You coming along?
- Where?
- The theater. I'm driving.
Come on!
Come.
- To the Renaissance Theater. Coming?
- lf I'm coming? I'm driving!
Oh, how wonderful.
I'm a little scatterbrained.
- Are you going in?
- I'm staying with you.
- But Ludo needs...
- He'll manage on his own.
Okay.
Well?
Yeah.
So, let's get going.
- What are you doing here?
- Can we talk?
- Now?
- Yes.
It's not the right moment.
What's so important?
- Are you two an item?
- And what if?
I like him. He's a nice guy.
He told me how he made a fool of you.
Yeah...
- Ludo, I have to go back in.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too, sometimes.
- You do?
But you and I are friends, okay?
Come on now.
I can't keep my customers waiting.
Do I look like a Porsche?
Where's the damn bear tail?
What do I know? Not my responsibility.
We're almost on, Uwe!
There it is!
Come on now!
Autographs after the show.
What are you gaping at?
Never seen a king before?
Mucky, Mucky!
Hello, my dear children!
Hello, Anna!
You can't get rid of me anymore.
I'll wait in front
of your day-care center every day.
Get off the stage!
You can't throw me out!
He's cool.
I love you, Anna!
And lots!
Hello? Hello?
Wake up!
You've slept long enough,
my RabbitWithoutEars!
I love you!
Who are you?
I'm with Universal Music.
I want to offer you a record deal.
You'll be big...
Bigger than Robbie Williams.
One million... What do you say?
I'm sorry. Not interested.
- Two million.
- I'm not for sale.
I've got other plans.
What, if I may ask?
Don't laugh,
but I want to work in day-care.
Let me get this straight. You want to
forego fame to work in day-care?
Yes.
That's me. I can't change myself.
- I know who could use some help.
- Really?
When could I start?
Immediately.
Hello! To Christian-Grtner-Strasse.
What'll it cost?
That asshole is back there!
"You always meet twice in life."
Come on.
- Hello there.
- Hello.
How much
to Christian-Grtner Strasse?
Around 25 euros.
I'll give you 50,
but you'll have to blow me.
And the little lady gets to watch.
Do I look like a queer?
I've got 5 kids. Get out of here.
The nerve!
- I won't ask.
- No.
- Christian-Grtner Strasse? How much?
- About 25 euros.
Okay, I'll give you 50.
and 25 if you blow me
tenderly along the way.
And the little lady gets to watch.
Hey, get lost!
- It was just a thought.
- Cool.
To Christian-Grtner Strasse?
How much?
- 50 euros.
- 50 euros.
Okay, I'll give you 100.
But you have to drive by your buddies
real slowly,
happily waving,
and smiling
from ear to ear, okay?
Let's go!
David Fenske Jeffrey A. McGuire
Film und Video Untertitelung
Gerhard Lehmann AG