(SINGER VOCALIZING)
(SINGING) The stakes are high
And the world hangs
in the balance
He's a man
And, oh, what a man
Of many talents
If the sky starts to fall
There's no one bigger
With his finger
on the trigger
He's the man with the plan
The one with the gun
Kevin
Nothing can stop him
The spy in disguise
With his eye on the prize
Hart
He's taking over the world
Agent Five-Four
Stronger than Thor
Kevin
Kevin fears nothing
Hart
With a license to kill
And jokes that are ill
Kevin
He's taking over the world
Come through, Kevin
Kevin
He's the one that you call
If your back's at the wall
Hart
Agent Five-Four
Kevin
The guy that prevails
On a whole global scale
Kevin
He's taking over the world
Kevin Hart
(SINGER LAUGHING)
SINGER: (SCREAMING) Kevin!
You're late.
Better late
than never.
Do you have
the package?
Of course, I have
the package, Kevin.
Don't I always
have the package?
No, you don't.
Which is why I'm asking you,
"Do you have the package?"
When was the last time
I didn't have the package?
You didn't have
the package in Guam.
Guam?
Yes, Guam.
Why you gonna
bring up Guam?
I'm answering
a question that
you asked me.
What are you talking about?
You just... (VOCALIZING)
What are you saying?
You didn't have
the package in Guam,
which is why I asked you,
"Did you have
the package?"
Yes, I got the package.
So if you had said that
when I first asked you,
then we wouldn't even be
having this conversation.
Guam is over.
I know! I'm not
thinking about Guam!
We at another place,
another time. Let's go.
All you ever
talk about is Guam.
Don't storm past me!
Fuck Guam.
Same shit you did in Guam!
Guam all over again!
Okay, listen.
You walking away
is not gonna change
the point that
I'm trying to make.
Okay, I forgot something
one time! Just one time!
Okay, so did
you forget it?
One time.
Okay, so that validates
what I'm saying...
MAN: Mr. Hart.
(CLEARS THROAT)
Do you have
your buy-in money?
Of course.
Here it is.
Thank you.
Let's cut the shit.
Put your game face on,
'cause there's our guy.
Girl, if you don't
grab my arm...
Grab my arm.
(PLAYING MELLOW MUSIC)
Good evening.
How are you?
And you must be
LeBron's little
replacement.
Yes?
Welcome to
the game, Mr...
Hart.
The name is Kevin Hart.
Or maybe it's
Mr. Bond, huh?
It's a little confusing.
He's so little.
What? What?
What'd he say?
Okay, Kevin. Kevin.
What did you say?
Don't let him get you
off your game. Okay?
Come on now.
Good luck.
Luck is for people
who are inadequate...
Okay, Kevin, not now.
Okay. Right.
Not now.
Go do it.
Whiskey, please.
Coming right up.
(CLEARS THROAT)
There you are.
I only ordered one.
Oh, I know.
(SLURPS)
(EXHALES)
(IN STRONG FRENCH ACCENT)
The game is no-limit poker.
Five communal cards.
Two in the hole.
I'm sorry, what?
Two cards in the hole.
No, nothing's
going in my hole.
I don't know
what game this is,
but we're not
gonna play it today.
No, sir. What I'm going
to do, I'm going to
put out five cards
and then I will later
pull out two more.
Oh! Oh.
Okay, well, talk slower.
Minimum stake
is $1 million.
Lines begin at
$5,000 and $10,000.
This game is
winner take all.
There are no prizes
for second place.
Good luck to you all.
It's a shame you gotta
drink alone tonight.
I said,
it's a shame you gotta
drink alone tonight.
I heard you.
I bet $50,000.
I fold.
$50,000 to you,
Mr. Hart.
$100,000.
$100,000? You serious?
You haven't even
looked at your cards.
I don't need to
look at my cards.
I see right through you,
and you know what I see?
I see someone who
doesn't have shit.
What does he have
that I don't have?
Everything.
Look at him.
He's super intelligent.
What are these?
Five.
Five? Okay,
so let me count this out.
Five, 10.
What are the black?
You don't need black.
You have these big blue ones.
He's charming.
Why wouldn't you
use two blue ones?
I don't understand,
it's the same.
For some reason,
I thought that me
and him were in a hand.
You little sawed-off...
He's charismatic.
Fuck, you all took
my iPhone when I came in.
You don't have to do math.
Just put another blue one on top of them.
I gotta start over.
Every time you all talk to me,
I gotta start over again.
You know what?
I see your point.
I see your point.
And everything on him isn't small.
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
Sir, if you wanna talk
to me, I'm right here.
"How did this idiot get in here," you say?
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
(SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN)
Enough!
What the fuck was that?
Is that your mouth?
Oh, my God, you just
threw a bucket of shit
at my face just now.
I smelled that.
Nobody else smelled that?
Well, it smelled like
you just threw
shit at my nose,
that's what it smelled like.
Baby, baby.
Yes?
You look thirsty.
What can I get
you to drink, baby?
You know what?
I'll take a martini.
Shaken, not stirred.
If I could have
three ice cubes,
shave the last,
put Tabasco sauce on top,
but just a little bit...
Okay, I ain't gonna
remember all that shit.
Now what you want?
Whatever. Whatever
you are gonna be getting.
Okay.
Okay? Got it?
Okay.
Tell him, don't put it
in a sippy cup.
One Kevin Hartini coming right up.
No, just give him a beer.
WOMAN: Here you are, Mr. Hart.
KEVIN: Thank you.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey, Kev?
It's on you. So like,
bet, check, fold...
Well aware of
the poker rules,
Mr. Cheadle.
You should fucking
do something.
Can I have
a second, please?
Go ahead.
Where's it at?
Who's it on?
It's on you. So you
can check, bet, or fold.
Pick one
and fucking do it.
I see what's going on here.
Gentlemen, I would
like to introduce you
to a case of
"I don't have enough
money to call a bet."
(CHUCKLES) I can afford
the next hand.
Obviously,
I'm sitting here
with chips.
She got money,
this motherfucker
got money.
Everybody got money, Kevin.
It's that you're irritating
the fuck out of me
'cause you're
not doing anything.
What happened, Don?
Daddy's tank ran dry?
What are you
talking about?
Chickens ain't clucking?
Cows ain't mooing?
Have you lost your
fucking mind, Kevin?
Oh, I know what it is.
There's been a vacancy
at Hotel Rwanda.
Ain't nobody
booking them suites.
Are you talking
about a movie now, Kevin?
KEVIN: You know
what you're mad at?
'Cause you looked at your hand
and there's nothing
but a House of Lies.
You're referring
to the show?
That was a good one.
No, most people
say House of Cards
and they mean House of Lies.
I didn't.
No, you did that good.
Now fucking bet!
(WHINING CHILDISHLY)
"My name's Don Cheadle
and I'm mad
because I'm not Iron Man.
"I'm the black Iron Man,
and I'm rusty."
Stop talking, man.
"I squeak when I go."
Take it easy.
(SQUEAKING)
All right, you're not making
fucking sense, Kevin,
and I'ma punch
you in the face.
I'ma make all of
that bleed
if you don't goddamn well
do something right now!
Do something!
Raise.
Whoa! No, no, no,
I didn't raise.
That was obvious,
I made a mistake.
Don't!
Hey, you cannot
touch this pot, sir.
I'm fucking touching the pot!
These are my chips!
Are you motherfuckers
in cahoots?
KEVIN: I call.
I call that.
Oh, you call that?
You know what I call?
I call that.
You know what I call?
(SCREAMS)
What you doing?
Grab him!
Okay! Okay!
I'm gonna kill you, Kevin!
Get your ass up outta here.
Get up outta here!
I'll see you in
the parking lot, Kevin!
You motherfucker!
I'ma kill you!
I hate you!
(SLURPING)
(SNORTS)
Raise. $2 million.
Whoa.
(WHISPERING LOUDLY)
Go all in!
I'm all in. All of it.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
DEALER: All in.
Call.
This hand is gettin'
kind of crazy.
DEALER: Show
your hand, please.
Ouch.
DEALER: Full house.
Aces for kings.
God.
That's over $5 million.
Mr. Hart.
I didn't know
he had that.
Hmm.
(KEVIN EXHALES)
Uh-oh. What's that?
Ace to five.
Straight flush.
"Straight flush."
What is it?
Straight flush.
"Straight flush."
Mr. Hart wins.
Whoo! Yes!
Uh-oh!
(GROWLS)
Chips! Chips,
chips, chips!
DEALER: This all for you.
One, two, three...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Ninety-six, ninety-seven,
ninety-eight...
Hey.
Where's the money at?
I put it in the case.
In what case?
In this case.
You put all that
money in this case?
Why are you asking
such dumb questions?
Yes, I put the money
in the case!
Oh, so now you can turn into
David fucking Copperfield!
Tell me... Woman!
You act like the money
couldn't have fell off
the table.
That's possible.
Mr. Hart?
Ah! You must think that
you're a very funny guy,
huh?
You have to think that
you're the funniest man
in America
to even think
about pulling off
what you're trying
to pull off today. Hmm?
That you're doing
what nobody else
out there is doing, huh?
(LAUGHS) You have to think
that you have the entire
world by the balls.
Hmm? This what you think?
You insult me.
But I'm going
to give you one chance
to get out of here alive.
Without the money.
Then I don't ever want to
see that little shit face
of yours ever again.
Now, hand over the case.
Mmm-mmm.
I'm not giving you my money.
This is gonna pay
for my global tour.
(SCOFFS)
Eighteen seconds.
Eighteen seconds,
but I could shave
three seconds off,
gets me 15 seconds.
Minus the two,
that puts me at 13.
Thirteen plus four
puts me back at 17.
Seventeen plus one
puts me back at 18.
Eighteen minus four is 14.
Fourteen minus two is 12.
Twelve times pi?
Fuck! What is 12 times pi?
Wait, pi? What is pi?
Uh, four?
Okay, so we'll go with four.
(MUMBLING)
Forget it.
Forget pi, forget pi.
Just do the 14 minus two.
Fourteen minus two
puts me back at 12.
12 seconds.
That's what
it's gonna take.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(YELLS)
(YELLS)
(BLOOD SPLATTERING)
Are you fucking
kidding me?
(YAWNS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
What the fuck?
Damn it!
He's a bleeder!
Shit!
Fuck! Shit! (GRUNTS)
(EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)
(SOBS)
(GASPS)
What the fuck
was you doing?
Huh?
Ain't shit on you,
your dress ain't
messed up, hair all nice.
You wanna
explain yourself?
Kevin, I'm Halle Berry.
I don't get messed up.
Let's go.
That's a bunch
of Halle bullshit!
Could've gotten me
a napkin or something!
(BEEPS)
I didn't even start the watch!
Goddamn it, Kevin!
I can't just walk
around like this.
This means I'm gonna be late.
You know that, don't you?
I'ma get you
some clothes.
Will you stop? Stop!
What?
Look at me!
I'm covered
in fucking blood!
I see that, Kevin.
But nobody around
here notices that,
so just walk normal.
What it is, baby?
What the hell
happened to you, man?
I love you, too.
Nigga, you look dead!
See? I'm saying people
already notice this shit.
Yo, you on
your period,
my man?
Ain't every man?
What?
Halle, you gotta get
me some damn clothes!
(CLEARS THROAT)
What took you
so long?
What kind of question
is that?
What do you mean,
what took me so long?
I was getting
the blood off of me.
What were you doing?
I thought you
was gonna be long.
Why would you think
I would be long?
Because you're a woman.
Women take long.
Everyone knows that.
(SCOFFS)
How about, "Kevin,
you look nice"?
How about, "I see what
you did with the time"?
You don't feel
like a compliment
is necessary?
That's your problem.
Like, why you got
an attitude?
I just gotta get
my mind right. So much
stuff happened today.
Just calm down.
I know.
Hey, thank you.
Shit!
(PEOPLE CLAMORING)
Close your mouth, Kevin.
Let's go.
Oh!
Where the fuck
you get a gun from?
Kevin, we love you! Yay!
(SCANNER BEEPING)
Kevin, you the man!
Kevin Hart,
we love you, man!
Shit.
(AUDIENCE CLAMORING)
You hear that?
I do.
Shit.
What now?
What now is I do my job.
Okay.
Be careful.
KEVIN: Wait a minute.
Is Halle Berry
giving me the look?
Okay, listen up, people.
If you think I'ma have
Halle Berry in my movie
and I'm not gonna kiss her,
you got another thing coming.
That's goddamn Halle Berry!
She about to get a berry blast
of these lips,
I'll tell you that.
(SMACKS LIPS)
Well, now that I
know what we both want,
I'll stop wasting time.
Oh!
Mmm!
What are you doing?
You know what I'm doing.
I'm about to kiss you.
Nobody said anything
about a kiss.
Just do a little one.
I'm not kissing you,
Kevin. Come on.
Do this.
Okay.
No. With your lips.
Fine, forget it.
Hey, Tim?
TIM: Yeah, Kev?
Let's just take it
from the top.
TIM: Good idea.
Ready?
I'm ready.
TIM: And action.
Be careful.
No, you be careful.
Because being careful is
what I'm most careful at.
I do it very carefully.
What the fuck
did you just say?
Goddamn it, just... Shit!
Fuck me!
Don't worry about me.
You hear me?
Are you sure you
don't want to kiss?
Kevin...
Shh.
Ew.
Okay?
All right, boy,
let's cut the shit.
Let's do what you do best.
Let's go make
these people laugh.
It's showtime!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Philadelphia,
make some fucking noise!
(CHEERING INTENSIFIES)
No.
That's not good enough
for me.
Goddamn it,
we sold a football
stadium out tonight.
So I need to hear that!
I need to hear that!
So I'ma ask my city
one more time...
Philadelphia,
make some fucking noise!
(CHEERING LOUDLY)
Yeah!
Yeah!
Yes!
Goddamn it,
we about to get loose.
I can honestly say that
the city of Philadelphia
has my back.
Is it safe to
say that, Philly?
It's safe to say that.
I think it's only right
that I show Philadelphia
that love back.
Can I see
Philadelphia behind me?
Can I do that, please?
Can I see my city
behind me?
We about to have
a good time tonight.
We love you, Kevin!
The name of
this show is called
What Now?, people.
The reason why I decided
to call it What Now?,
is because that's the question
that I get the most.
"Kevin, what the fuck
are you gonna do now?"
I love that question
because I always
have an answer for it.
I'm alive.
I'm still experiencing shit,
which still means I have stuff
to talk about.
For example,
people, I'm engaged.
I'm about to get
married again soon.
Okay?
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Yes.
I told my lady, I said,
before we get married,
we gotta move.
I did tell her that.
It's not that I
don't like where we live.
I just don't like the area.
It's not the house,
it's the area.
See, I don't
wanna be in Hollywood,
staring at all
the Hollywood shit.
So I moved out
to the suburbs.
Fucked around, moved
around a bunch of wildlife.
I don't like the animals
around my house.
This is real shit right now.
Right now, I have
a raccoon problem, people.
Not raccoons.
A raccoon. One raccoon.
This raccoon's a bitch.
I can't stand this raccoon.
I got glass doors
in the back of
my house, right?
I'm sitting in
the living room,
I can see into my backyard
through the glass doors.
Outta nowhere,
a raccoon walks up
to the glass doors.
But not like a raccoon should,
not on all fours.
Raccoon's on two feet.
Motherfucker walked up
to the doors like this,
swear to God.
This is real shit.
Scared the shit outta me.
It looked like a Nigga
was walking in my backyard.
That's what it looked like.
I saw him,
I said, "Oh, shit!
"Look at that goddamn
raccoon right there!"
He saw me, I see him,
we're looking at each other.
This is what scared
the shit outta me.
To get a better look
in my house,
he put his hand
on the glass,
and started
looking in the window.
I see him, he see me.
He starts fucking
with the locks.
(GRUNTING)
When he couldn't
get in, he got mad.
He fake shot at me twice.
Bang, bang!
Then he grabbed his dick,
disappeared into the dark.
This is a true story.
You gotta understand, people,
I don't like raccoons.
I can't stand raccoons
because I don't like
the way they look.
They look like criminals.
They got a black mask, gloves.
Everything about
a raccoon says crime.
My lady gets home, I said,
"Babe, we gotta get
the fuck out this house.
"A raccoon came up
to the glass doors,
"put his hand on the glass,
saw me, shot at me twice.
"Bang, bang!
"Then he grabs his dick,
disappeared into the dark."
My lady goes,
"What do you get
out of lying so much?
"Like what does
that do for you?"
I said,
"Who the fuck is lying?
"Who makes up
a lie about a raccoon
come up to the window,
"going bang,
bang, grabbing his dick,
disappearing into the dark?
"Like, whose life is
that bad that they gotta
sit at home all day,
"and make some
shit like that up?"
She said, "Obviously you,
because you're lying, Kevin.
"You know how I
know you lying?
"'Cause a raccoon
can't go, 'Bang, bang.'
"You know why?
'Cause a raccoon
don't have no thumbs.
"So how can
a raccoon go,
'Bang, bang'?"
"Bitch, maybe he did this.
Maybe he just did
this right here.
"What difference
does it make?
"The point is that
he grabbed his dick,
disappeared into the dark.
"We got a dick-grabbing
raccoon on the loose,
"you worried about
his fucking thumbs.
"You need to get your
priorities straight,
that's what needs to happen."
I got a lot of
animals out there, people.
Coyotes, mountain lions,
rattlesnakes.
It's at the point now
where I don't like
taking out trash.
I'm being honest with you.
The reason I don't like
taking out trash at my house
is 'cause to
take out the trash,
I gotta walk outside,
I gotta walk down
my driveway.
Trash cans are at
the end of my driveway.
My driveway is
long as shit, people.
Okay?
It also gets real dark
in my driveway.
Reason why it gets so dark
in my driveway at nighttime
is because I turned down
the option to get lights
going down
the side of my driveway.
Reason why
I turned down the option
is because
I thought the contractors
were trying to
take advantage of me
because they knew
that I had money.
I don't trust people
that do this when they talk.
Like that's how
you talk to me, like,
"Hey, man,
you gotta get some lights.
It gets real dark out here.
"You gotta get
some lights."
I don't need no
fucking lights.
It's a driveway.
You drive in, you drive out.
What the fuck I
need lights for?
I was wrong, people.
I need lights.
Can't see shit in
this goddamn driveway.
You gotta understand,
I don't like
being in the dark,
hearing animal noises,
especially when
I can't see the animal.
It fucks with me.
When you're by yourself
and you get scared,
you do stupid shit.
When you hear this...
(CHITTERING)
(HISSING)
You do stupid shit
when you get scared.
(SCREAMS)
"You bite me,
I'll bite you back, bitch!"
You start doing shit
you saw in the movies.
"What are you waiting for?"
It got to the point
where I start
grabbing the trash,
running down the driveway,
throwing the trash
in the trash can,
running back
to the house.
One day I locked
myself out of the house.
Scariest 17 seconds
of my life, people.
"Open up the door!"
(SCREAMS)
(CRYING)
What is this
when you get scared?
(CRYING)
Whenever you're afraid,
the first person you
see is fully responsible
for whatever you
were afraid of.
"Bitch,
where the fuck was you at
all that time I was outside?
"Some shit licked my neck,
I'm out here calling you.
"You in here cooking,
that's your problem."
It got to the point
where I told my lady,
I said,
"Yo, I'm not taking
out trash anymore.
I'm not gonna do it."
She said,
"Well, I'm not gonna do it."
I said, "You don't have to."
"It's not a woman's job,
it's a man's job.
"I'ma make my son do it.
"He's seven years old.
"It's time for him
to start pulling his
weight around here.
"He don't do shit."
That's the beautiful thing
about being a dad.
You can do what you
want when you want,
can't nobody
say shit about it.
I woke my son up at
2:00 in the morning
with a complete
bullshit story.
I kicked his bed.
"Get your ass up! Get up!
"Didn't I tell you
to get that goddamn
trash out last night?"
First of all, that was a lie.
I never said that.
Never said anything
like that.
He woke up,
he was confused.
"What? What? No.
"You never said that. What?"
"You calling me a liar?
You telling me I'm lying?
"Get your ass up.
Get that goddamn trash out."
Private schools
are fucking my kids up.
My son, he said,
"All right, all right.
All right."
He goes,
"Let me get my flops."
What?
"Your flops?
"Boy, if you don't get
your black/white ass down
these goddamn steps,
"get this fucking trash,
I'ma knock your head loose
in here."
My son goes downstairs,
he grabs the trash.
He's about to walk outside,
he sees it's real dark.
He goes,
"Dad, it's real dark outside.
Can you come with me?"
"No. No, I cannot.
"No.
"It's not my journey, son.
This is your journey.
"It's about you
becoming a man.
"You gotta do
this by yourself."
My son grabs the trash,
he's literally
walking outside.
He goes down
the driveway.
I could tell
when he got scared,
'cause he stopped.
He started doing
this shit right here.
He started looking around.
When he looked at me, I said,
"See, that's why I don't like
doing that shit.
"Go, you're all right.
Finish. Finish."
He put the trash
in the trash can,
starts walking back.
Outta nowhere,
my son takes off running.
I mean, running, haul assing
towards the house.
Running as fast as he can.
I got scared
because I couldn't see
what he was running from.
I couldn't see it.
So I closed the door.
I closed the door.
No, I did.
I know it was wrong,
but I did it.
I don't wanna lie.
I shut the door.
I told myself,
depending on what it was,
was gonna determine
if I open up
the door or not
when he got back.
If it was something crazy,
I was just gonna put
my hand on the glass.
I was gonna say,
"Son, touch the glass
one last time.
"I hate that it
had to be this way."
My biggest fear in life
is seeing somebody that
I love
get attacked by an animal
that I can't beat.
That's a fear.
What do you do?
What do you do?
You look happy.
Are you in love, man?
What do you do
if you see your lady
running down the driveway
as fast as she can?
Outta nowhere,
the Tasmanian Devil jump out,
grab her face
from the back?
You wanna know the answer
to that question?
Not a goddamn thing,
that's what the fuck you do.
That's the Tasmanian Devil.
You ain't never
seen no shit like that.
If you look outside
and all you hear is...
(SNARLING)
You're not fucking
going out there.
(SNARLING)
All you gonna do is react.
(SCREAMING) Oh! Oh! Oh!
"Get the fuck off of her!
"She had enough!"
My lady got mad at
me when I said that.
She got pissed off.
She got pissed off.
She said, "So if I got
attacked by an animal,
"you wouldn't come
out there and help me?"
I said, "It depends
on the animal.
"If it's a cat, I'll come out
there and kick the cat.
"I'll kick the shit
out of a cat.
"But if it's
a mountain lion, fuck no.
I'm not going out there.
"Ain't no way in hell."
She says, "So you
would just let me die?"
"If that was God's plan.
I'm not gonna...
"I'm not gonna
fuck with God's plan.
"Who am I to rewrite
what God wrote?
"That's what God wrote
next to your name.
"It said 'death by
mountain lion attack.'
"Who the fuck am I
to rewrite that?"
I'm being honest
with you all.
You know the real reason
why I wouldn't help my lady
if she got attacked
by a mountain lion?
I don't know if I wanna be
with a woman
that survived
a mountain lion attack.
I don't...
I don't know if I'ma feel
the same way about you
when you come
out of that attack.
Like, what if
he got you good?
What if he bit
your neck up?
Or if he bit
your shoulder off?
You ain't got
no shoulder no more?
That's tough.
That's tough.
I can't be with no girl
that don't have no shoulder.
I can't. I'm sorry.
You can call me
an asshole all you want.
I can't be with a girl
that can't do this.
Mmm! If you can't do that...
If you can't
shoulder shrug, bitch,
I can't be with you.
You can't
shoulder shrug, bitch?
Mmm!
You know how many times
you shoulder shrug in a day?
You know how many times
you shoulder shrug?
Look, you did it
a little bit just now.
Little bit.
Look at you. Little bit.
Ladies, let me
tell you something.
You don't know
how important
your shoulders are until
you lose one of them.
Life will change
without both shoulders,
I promise you that.
I tell you what, you could
kiss halter tops good-bye.
That's over.
Every shirt you put on
gonna look like
a goddamn toga outfit.
All that shit
coming across the chest.
I don't wanna be
with a toga bitch.
I don't want her.
The girl that look like
she won a pageant every day.
(LAUGHING)
You won every day?
Oh! Here come Michelle.
Here come Miss America.
I don't wanna be with her.
I tell you what,
if you got one shoulder
and we get pulled
over by the cops,
we're going to jail.
We're going to jail.
'Cause everything you do
is gonna come off as sarcasm.
"Ma'am, do you know
why I pulled you over?"
"No."
"Get the fuck out of the car.
Right now! Get out the car!
"You wanna be a smartass?
You're going to jail."
"I'm not! I'm not!
This is how it is.
I'm stuck with this.
"Don't do this, please."
Cop have a tough time
grabbing you out the car.
"Get your ass
out the goddamn..."
You can't be cold
with one shoulder.
You can't shiver
with one shoulder.
Ain't nobody gonna
believe you.
"What the fuck is
wrong with you?"
"It's freezing in here."
"No, bitch, you twitching.
That's drugs.
I know drugs when I see it."
"Get your high ass out
of my goddamn house.
"You're high!"
If you only got
one shoulder,
the only game
you'll be good at
is a game of tag.
Can't nobody tag you.
You out there
dipping everything.
(GRUNTS)
"Shit!"
(GRUNTING)
"I can't tag this bitch, man!
"She out here
dipping everything."
"You gotta go for
the shoulder side."
Ladies,
I can feel you judging me.
Stop judging me. I feel it.
"Kevin, you wrong. You wrong.
"That woman loved you.
"She was with you
from the beginning.
She held you down."
Let me tell you
something, ladies.
You can't hold nobody down
without two shoulders.
It's a scientific fact.
You need two shoulders.
I'll start it
with you guys.
I'll ask you a question.
Sweetie, do you think
you're the type of woman
that could
stay with your man
regardless of
any freak accident?
Yeah?
You know why I love asking
women that question?
Because your answers
are never realistic.
See, women answer
questions with emotion.
Emotion made you say yes.
"Yes! Yes, I love him! Yes!"
That's emotion.
You don't even know
the fucking scenario.
You don't even
know what happened.
So I'ma give you
a scenario.
Let's say you
and your man
taking a walk.
Beautiful day outside.
You look at
your man, you say,
"Babe, I love you more today
than I did yesterday."
Out of nowhere,
an orangutan hops the fence,
attacks your man.
The orangutan
takes his kneecaps.
He can never do
this again in life.
He is straight-legged
for the rest of his life.
You can deal with
this right here?
This ain't gonna
fuck with you every day?
Every goddamn day,
this ain't gonna fuck
with you?
Looking at this?
Butt-ass naked,
going to the bathroom
like this.
This ain't
gonna fuck with you?
You a goddamn liar.
One of those days,
you're gonna fucking snap.
"If you don't go sit your
straight-legged ass down...
"Walking all straight
all over the fucking house!
"Sit your
no-knee-bending ass down!"
You're gonna get mad
'cause you still wanna
do knee-bending shit.
"Hey, babe! Babe!
We still going
bowling on Tuesday?"
All your friends hate
when you bring him
'cause he takes
too long to bowl.
They get mad.
"I can't stand when
she brings his ass!
"He can never relax.
He's so uptight!"
You get mad.
"I can't relax
'cause I ain't
got no knees!
"I got attacked
by an orangutan!"
Your black
girlfriend'll be there.
She'll never believe shit.
"An orangutan? Really?"
That's my "black girl
don't believe shit" face.
"Orangutan?
"Really?"
Why is that?
Why don't black
women believe shit?
What happened?
What happened?
You can't convince
a black woman of shit.
"Hey, babe.
Babe, don't walk over there.
"It's real slippery
right there."
"Slippery?
"Really?"
She walk over there anyway,
trips, falls, hits her head.
"Oh, my God,
it's slippery over here.
"They need to
put a sign up."
"Bitch, I just told you,
it was fucking slippery
over there."
"Did you tell me?
"Really?"
(AUDIENCE ECHOING)
Could you still
have sex with the guy
that can't bend his knees?
If he was aggressive
about it?
That's an honest question.
Could you have sex with a guy
that can't bend his knees?
"Hey! Hey!
"Get over here
and get some of
this lock-knee dick."
"Don't run!
Don't run! Don't run!"
(LAUGHS)
It look like he be
skiing on your ass,
that's what it look like.
When he cums,
it looks like he jumped
a big-ass ski ramp.
Oh!
Look at all
the black women.
"Ski ramp?
"Really?"
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Oh! Stop it. Cut it out.
Stop trying to
make me feel tall.
This is how I think, people.
I'm a drastic thinker.
I'm not worse
than my lady, though.
My lady is the queen
of hypothetical thoughts.
You know what I feel like?
I feel like all women
suffer from this disease.
Women love to
ask men questions
about shit that
would never happen.
You love it.
"Babe, babe,
what would you do if...
"Babe, babe,
hypothetically speaking,
but not really, but if it did,
"what could might be, huh?"
You love it.
True story right now.
Me and my lady,
we're on a boat.
Right?
We're on a boat.
We hit a wave.
She go, "Oh, my God, babe,
what if we would've
hit that wave,
"and I would've fell out
the boat in the middle
of the ocean,
"and then a shark
would've started
swimming around me?
"What would you do?"
"I'ma get the camera
and start taping.
"Some shit about to go down.
I don't know."
"Stop being an asshole
and answer the question!"
"What do you mean,
answer the question?
"It's a shark."
Like, I don't know
who she wants me
to be in her head.
Like, what Nigga is that tough
that he sees a shark and goes,
"I'm sick of
this shark shit!"
And jumps in the water
to fight the shark?
I'm not that guy.
I don't have that muscle.
She said, "Well, what if
the shark attacked me,
"but I got away,
and I swam back
to the boat?"
I said,
"That would never happen.
What kind of attack was this?"
She said, "What do you mean?"
"What do you mean,
what do I mean?"
"What kind of attack was this?
What did the shark get?"
She said,
"The shark bit off
one leg, one arm."
"The shark bit off
one leg and one arm,
and you swam back to the boat?
"That's what
you're telling me?
"Was it on the same side?
"'Cause on the same side,
you're just gonna go
in a circle.
"This is all you're
gonna do right here,
is one big-ass circle.
"You ain't going
no-fucking-where."
"Stop being an asshole, Kevin,
and answer the question."
"I can't answer the question
if you don't make
the question make sense."
She said, "Fine.
Alternate the sides.
"He bit one leg on this side,
one arm on this side."
I said, "So, what,
you wanna know
"what I would say when
you got back to the boat?"
She said, "Yeah.
What would you say?"
"Well, who else
is on the boat?"
She said, "It's just us.
It's nobody else on the boat.
Just us."
"Okay, let me
get this straight.
"You get attacked
by the shark,
"shark bites off
one leg, one arm,
"you swim back
to the boat,
"you climb up
on the boat,
"you're standing in
front of me on one leg,
"it's nobody else
on the boat, nobody else.
"If it's nobody
else on the boat,
"I'ma push you back in.
I'ma push you back in.
"Shark gotta finish that.
He gotta finish that.
I'm not going home with that.
"I didn't leave with that.
Why do I have to
go home with that?
"That's not
what I left with.
"The shark gotta
clean that plate.
Clean that plate, Mr. Shark."
That's what my mom tell me,
"Finish your food.
"You better finish
that fucking food."
Y'all can think I'm
an asshole all you want.
This is how I think, man.
I told you,
I'm a drastic thinker.
This is why I told
my family we need to move.
I'm not the father
for the environment
that we live in.
I'm not.
Good thing about my family
is we table everything.
Everything is up
for discussion.
I told my son,
I said, "Look.
I told you I wanna move.
"Tell me
why you wanna stay."
My son told me flat-out,
"Dad, I don't wanna move
because I don't wanna
leave my room."
I get it.
I went all out
for my son's room.
My son used to be
into Spider-Man,
now he's into Batman.
So I went out,
I got his whole room
painted as Gotham City.
I put the bat symbol
on the wall. His bed
is the Batmobile.
Batman is on
the actual ceiling.
When my son first saw
the room, he went off.
(GROWLS) "Dad!"
(GROWLS)
(CHUCKLES)
He was like,
"I love it!"
(GROWLS)
I told you all,
private schools
are fucking my kids up.
They are.
My son has a lot
of white friends.
They got real long hair.
So my son gets excited,
he does this shit.
Listen, listen to me.
It makes me so mad.
Do you understand me?
This shit makes me
so fucking mad.
The reason why is because
his hair looks just like mine.
It's just like mine.
So I'm like,
"What are you doing?"
He was like,
"I couldn't see you."
"Bitch, you see me.
Don't...
"Don't do that.
"You see me.
I'm right here.
"Don't act like
you can't see me."
He was like,
"I just wanna play."
"Fine, go. Go play."
My son goes in his room,
he plays all day.
All day.
It's time for bed.
I say, "Go in there,
brush your teeth,
wash your face, get into bed.
"I'ma kiss you
good night."
My son gets into bed,
I kiss my son good night,
I cut out the lights,
I walk out.
When I walk out,
I hear a bunch of screaming.
"No!
"Don't do it, Batman, please!"
What the fuck?
I go running back
in the room.
I run back in the room,
this woman made Batman
glow in the dark.
So Batman...
Batman...
(CHUCKLES)
Batman looked like
he was about to rape my son.
He was just staring
at my son.
Hey, I'm not gonna lie,
I got scared.
I said,
"Get the fuck out
of the bed!
"Get out the bed before
he swoop down on your ass
"and I can't do
nothing about it!"
I can't beat Batman.
My daughter said,
"Dad, I don't wanna move
because I love the space."
My daughter's favorite game
to play at the house,
she loves to hide
from people,
wait for you to walk by,
jump out and scare you.
(SCREAMS)
This girl's patience
is unbelievable.
I've never seen
anything like it.
Like, I've seen
my daughter go hide,
but then I forgot that
she went to go hide.
So, like, five,
six hours go by.
I finally walk by,
she jumps out,
but she's too weak
to scare me.
(SCREAMS SOFTLY)
"What took you
so long, Daddy?
"I haven't eaten
anything all day.
"I'm so hungry.
"My lips are dry,
they're bleeding.
"I need some water right now,
I swear to God."
My kids are characters,
but my kids are
my best friends.
Honestly, they're
my best friends.
I love the fact that
me and my kids talk.
We communicate.
Now, I'm not gonna lie.
I'm not gonna act
like it's all perfect,
because it's not.
We butt heads.
I recently got mad
at my kids
because I feel like my kids
don't put a lot of thought
into the gifts
that they give me.
This shit pisses me off.
I'm serious,
they're making me mad.
I go all out for my kids.
So I feel like
when it's time to do
something for me,
put the same time,
energy and effort into it
that I do when
I do shit for you.
This is what made me mad.
For my birthday,
my son gave me a handprint.
This boy dipped
his hand in paint,
put it on a piece of paper,
said, "Happy birthday, Dad.
Love, Hendrix."
Came home excited.
"Dad, I got you something
for your birthday.
"You're gonna love it.
Close your eyes."
I close my eyes.
I'm emotional,
I start crying.
"Boy, don't do this to me.
"Don't do this.
"Not today.
"Don't do it today.
What is it?"
He said, "Open your eyes.
"Happy birthday, Dad.
I did this because
I love you."
I looked at it, I said,
"I'm gonna be honest
with you, son.
"I don't really
feel like you do.
"I don't think this is
a good representation of
your level of love for me.
"This is a shitty gift.
"It's a fucked-up gift."
Out of the corner of my eye,
I saw my daughter
pushing a macaroni plate
back down into her book bag.
I saw her.
I said,
"What the fuck is that?"
She looked me in the eye.
"Mmm, trying to figure it out.
I don't know yet.
"I don't know what
I want it to be."
Now, I'm not gonna
lie to y'all and say
I didn't hold a grudge,
because I did.
I held a grudge.
I held a grudge all the way up
until my son's birthday.
My son's birthday came,
he woke up, he was hyped.
"Dad! You know
what today is?"
"I sure do, son,
it's your birthday.
"We gonna turn up
like we always do."
My son goes to school,
gets home.
When he gets home,
I got a bunch of presents
wrapped up in boxes
laid all out on the bed.
He opens 'em up.
I had 57 handprints
in all the boxes.
He saw it,
he starts crying.
He was like,
"What is this?"
I said, "Those are high fives.
"I got you high fives."
He said,
"But I didn't ask for these."
I said, "Neither did I."
You selfish son of a bitch.
You better be lucky
I didn't take a picture
of my ass
and put it
in that box,
tell you to kiss
my fucking ass,
that's what I should've did.
"I should've let Batman
rape you." I said that.
Swear to God,
I said that.
I know it's wrong,
but I said it.
When I really wanna
piss my kids off,
I let my dad
spend time with them.
That's how I really
get to them.
Here's the thing.
My kids love their grandpop,
they really do.
They just don't like to be
with him for too long
'cause my dad is too loud.
It's like the older you get,
the louder you get.
This isn't even a joke.
This is how my dad
walks in my house.
This is his entrance.
"Where the babies at?
"Hey! Hey! Ho! Ho! Ho!"
That's his entrance.
It's at the point now
where I can't even
let my dad watch
my kids by himself.
I gotta watch my dad
while he watches my kids.
'Cause he does too
many stupid things.
I caught my dad giving my kids
raw candy out of his pocket.
Candy with no wrapper.
It was loose.
It was just in his pocket.
He said, "Huh, huh,
y'all want one of these?"
"What the fuck is that?
What are they?"
He said, "Peppermints."
"Ain't no goddamn peppermint.
"Where the lines at
on that peppermint?"
He said, "My jeans
must have rubbed it off."
"Nigga!
"You're not
about to give my kids
no jean-dyed peppermint!"
"Fine, more for me."
Takes the peppermint
out of his pocket,
puts it in his mouth.
Five minutes go by,
I saw my dad take
that peppermint
out of his mouth,
put it back in his pocket.
Those were half-sucked
on peppermints!
He's not gonna give my kids
no goddamn suck-and-saves.
That's a suck-and-save!
That's an old people trick.
Old people love to
suck on candy and save it.
"I'ma save this
till after church."
"Nana, eat that fucking candy!
"Little piece of
candy left, Grandma.
"Eat that fucking candy!"
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
My dad is a character.
The shit that
I'm telling you,
you can't make up.
I bought my dad
an iPhone 6 for
his birthday.
I've never seen
my dad use the phone.
Never.
He comes downstairs one day,
he goes, "Hey!
"I wanna take the kids
to go get some pizza."
I said, "First of all,
you're not going anywhere
"with my kids
by yourself.
"We can go as a group."
I said, "Where you wanna go?"
This is true shit.
You cannot make this up.
My dad takes
his phone out of
his back pocket,
this is what I hear,
"Cyrus, where is
the closest pizza spot?"
"What did you just say?"
(SHUSHING)
"Cyrus, where you at?
"Talk to me.
"Looking for a pizza spot.
Wake up.
"Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up."
He starts shaking the phone.
"Wake up, wake up,
wake up, wake up."
My dad thinks there's a Nigga
living in the phone!
"It's 'Siri',
you dumb bitch!
"'Siri'!
"Not goddamn Cyrus."
He's a character.
I love him, though.
Hates the fact that
I don't whup my kids.
Hates it.
My dad is old school,
old generation.
Old generation believes
in whupping the kid's ass.
That's all they believe in.
It's not that I don't.
It's not that I don't.
I don't want y'all
to think that I don't.
I just don't feel like
I need to whup my kid's ass.
My voice is enough.
"Shut the fuck up!"
That's enough.
Private school kids,
they get scared fast.
(SCREAMING)
"Dad's going crazy again!
"Let's go to our secret spot!"
Private school kids.
I'm not gonna lie
to y'all.
It does piss me off
that my kids
don't have any edge.
I want my kids
to have edge.
But they're not.
I'm not a thug,
I'm not a killer, people.
But I got some edge to me.
You need edge to
survive in life.
My kids aren't
gonna have that edge.
The reason why is
because they're growing up
different than I grew up.
My son definitely
doesn't have it.
I gave up.
I don't even give a shit.
It is what it is.
Swear to God,
it is what it is.
I'ma tell you
the day that I gave up.
The day that I gave up,
I got some of my friends
over to my house
that I grew up with.
We're in the kitchen,
we're having a thug-like
conversation about our pasts.
"Yo, Kev.
"You remember
when Ronald got shot
"in the back of the head?"
"God damn, I do.
"I really do.
"Died on the spot."
"What about Terry?
"You remember Terry
got shot in the back?"
"Fuck! I remember that."
I hear my son
coming down the steps.
I hear his flip-flops popping.
(CLICKING TONGUE)
They're popping fast.
(CONTINUES CLICKING)
So that means
he's walking
with a purpose.
Something's wrong.
He gets downstairs,
he got an attitude.
"Dad!
"Wi-Fi's down!"
What the fuck?
What?
"Well, you want me
to reboot it?
"'Cause nobody else
seems to care."
"Go! Go, reboot it, man. Go."
"I'm thirsty,
could I have a Capri Sun?"
"Son, get the fuck out
of my face.
"Just go. Go!
"Them tight-ass pajamas.
"Take your ass upstairs. Go.
"And put on some
loose pajamas!"
Now, I don't know
what made me more upset.
That, or my friend going,
"Who the fuck is Wi-Fi?"
I said,
"What did you just say?"
"I'm saying, he said that
they're gonna reboot it.
"If they're strapped,
we're strapped.
"I'ma die for mines."
"What the fuck are
you talking about, man?
"It's the Internet,
jackass!
"It's the Internet!"
"Well, you need
to say something,
"'cause we almost
lost a life today."
"Whose life?
"You was gonna kill my son?"
"Depending on
what side he was on."
What?
My dad called me
over the holidays.
"Hey!
"I miss you.
"I miss you,
I miss them babies.
"I wanna come see y'all."
I said, "Dad, all you
gotta do is tell me when,
I'll put you on a plane."
He said, "Well, I wanna
bring Connie with me."
"Dad, you wanna bring Connie,
you can bring Connie."
"Well, before I bring her,
I need to know
"if your house is
wheelchair accessible."
"Well, Dad, nobody
in my house is
in a wheelchair,
"so I never felt the need
"to wheelchair-accessorize
my home."
"Well, you need
to get it right.
"Connie's in
a wheelchair now."
"What the fuck
happened to Connie?
"Why is Connie
in a wheelchair?"
"It's a long story.
"She got hit by a car."
"Okay, first of all,
you just told the story.
"It wasn't that long at all.
"Second of all,
how'd she get hit by a car?
"What happened?"
"Look, boy, I ain't got time
to talk to you about that.
"I was driving,
she was in the street,
it was raining.
"Legally, I can't talk
about it
"'cause the case
is still open."
"The case?
"You got a case?"
"Look, boy, just get
some wheelchair shit
for the house."
"Fine."
I don't know what
wheelchair shit is,
people.
I have no idea what
wheelchair shit is.
True story.
I went out, I bought
a handicapped sign,
I put it in the driveway.
True story, swear to God.
'Cause that way,
when they pull up,
I look like I support.
Like, hey.
Hey.
Look who's welcome here.
Like, hey.
They get there,
my dad takes
the wheelchair out of the car,
puts Connie in the wheelchair.
He rolls Connie
in the house.
Connie gets in the house,
she goes off.
"Oh, my God!
"I love it! I love it!
"I wanna see
the whole house!"
She says,
"Spoon, push me all over
so I can see everything."
My dad snapped. "No!
"No!
"Sick of this pushing shit!"
That's what he said.
"I've been pushing
your ass all over
the place all goddamn day.
"Wherever I sit you is
where you're gonna have
to stay
"until I feel like
moving you again."
I said, "What?
"Why can't she just
roll around the house
by herself?"
He said, "'Cause
when I sit her down,
"I'ma lock the back brakes
so she can't move."
"For what?"
"Because I love her!
"And I don't want her
rolling out of my life,
that's why."
"Okay, all right, stop.
"Everybody, stop. Stop."
I said, "Look,
y'all just landed, man.
"Everybody's
a little bit on edge.
"This is what
we're gonna do.
"We're gonna have
a family night.
"I'ma order some food,
we're gonna watch a movie.
"That's what we're gonna do."
I order some food, I say,
"Connie, go in the other room.
"Go pick out a movie
you wanna watch."
Connie goes in the room,
she picks out a movie.
She comes back.
The movie she picked out
was called The Conjuring.
For those people here
tonight who do not know
what The Conjuring is,
The Conjuring is
a scary-ass movie
that came out
a long time ago.
I said, "Connie, I don't
think it's a good idea
for us to watch that
"because of everything
that's been going on
around the house."
My dad says,
"Stop being a bitch."
I said,
"No, Dad, I'm serious.
"A raccoon shot at me twice,
grabbed his dick,
disappeared into the dark.
"I don't have lights
in my driveway."
He said, "Stop being a bitch!
"Connie wants to
watch the movie,
"we're gonna watch
the movie." Fine.
We watch The Conjuring.
After the movie's over,
it did exactly what
I thought it would do,
scared the shit out of me.
My dad and Connie,
they wanna go upstairs
and they wanna go to sleep.
Me and my dad pick Connie
in the wheelchair up,
carry her upstairs,
Connie and my dad
get into bed,
they go to sleep.
Me and my lady get into bed,
my lady goes to sleep.
I'm up.
I can't go to sleep,
'cause I got
The Conjuring
on my mind.
I hear this in the hallway.
(THUDDING)
(SPOOKY MUSIC PLAYING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Every man in this room tonight
has done this at least once.
(RUMBLING CONTINUES)
"Hey, babe, are you up?
"I just heard some shit
in the hallway."
"No, I'm asleep.
"Just go see what it is."
"Go put some shoes on
so you can go see
what it is with me,
"so we can both go see
what it is."
"Stop, Kevin, I'm asleep.
"Just go see what it is."
I hear it again.
(THUDDING)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
You ever get so
scared that you don't know
where to put your hands at?
"All right!
"Don't make me
come out there!
"'Cause if I get out there,
I'ma be there!"
I don't even know
what that means.
I was scared.
It was the first thing
that came to my mind.
She said,
"Stop yelling at my ear,
just go see what it is."
"Well, you're up.
It don't look
like you're asleep,
"so you should come with me.
"Fine, fine.
I'll go by myself."
I sleep naked,
so I had to get up,
I had to put a robe on.
I grabbed my robe,
I start scared-walking
towards the hallway.
Scared-walking is
when you're walking,
but you're leaning
backwards just in case...
Just in case
some shit goes down,
you can get the fuck up
out of there real quick.
It's quick.
I'm scared-walking.
Scared-walking.
I get to the hallway.
As soon as I get
to the hallway,
I cut the lights on.
(SCREAMS)
I don't what it is,
people act like
lights can stop a murder.
Like...
Like a murderer will
see lights and be like,
"Man, I was about to
stab you in the neck,
"but you got these
fucking lights on,
I ain't gonna do it now."
They don't give
a shit about lights.
I start scared-walking
down this way.
Scared-walking.
I'm scared-walking.
Scared-walking.
Out of nowhere,
my daughter jumps
from behind the wall.
(SCREAMING)
Listen to me.
Scared the living shit
out of me.
All I can tell y'all
is that she learned
from her past mistakes.
She had a canteen
on this hip,
she had a fanny pack
on this hip with snacks
and shit.
I don't know how long
she was there,
but it had to be
for a long time.
I was so scared,
I turned around,
I jumped down
my flight of steps.
I got 15 steps
in my house.
I just jumped.
When I jumped,
the air got
the best of my robe,
it blew my robe up.
My dick, my ass,
everything is out.
Somehow my car keys
fall in my hand.
Don't know how.
I don't really care.
I land,
I run out the front door,
get in my car,
start the car up,
I start laughing.
I start dying laughing.
The reason why I was
laughing is because
I realized that
I don't give a fuck
about my family.
I was like,
"I don't care.
"I don't care!
"I don't care!"
I didn't go wake my son up.
I didn't go check on my lady.
To be 100% honest
with you all,
I don't even know
if that was my daughter
or not.
In my mind,
that was the little bitch
from The Conjuring
that was clapping at everybody
goddamn near her.
I turn around and
back out the driveway,
my dad is sitting in
the backseat of the car.
I said, "What the fuck
is going on here?"
My dad goes...
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
"Did you hear that shit?"
I said, "What?"
"Did you hear that shit?
"We gotta get
the fuck outta here!"
I said, "What about Connie?"
He said, "What about her?
"I can't carry
that goddamn chair
downstairs by myself!
"I locked the back brakes.
"The back brakes are jammed.
"I can't get
the back brakes unjammed.
"We gotta get the fuck
outta here right now!"
I said,
"If you was that scared,
"then why didn't
you leave already?"
He said, "'Cause a raccoon
kept coming to the car
"going 'bang, bang,'
and then he grabbed his dick,
"disappeared into the dark.
"We gotta get the fuck
outta here right now!"
He pulled out his iPhone
and he said,
"Cyrus, wake your ass up!
"Get my ass up
outta here right now!
"We ain't got time for you
to be fucking asleep, Cyrus."
"It's Siri,
you dumb bitch. Siri."
The toughest part
about that night
was the next morning
when I got back home.
Oh! Oh, no, we left!
I'm sorry, I forgot.
Yeah, we left.
Me and my dad made
an executive decision
to save ourselves.
We got the fuck
up outta there.
The reason why
the next morning
was so tough
'cause as soon as
I walked in the house,
my lady was in the kitchen.
She was like, "Where
did you go last night?"
And I told her,
I was like, "I left."
She said,
"What do you mean, you left?"
I was like, "I left.
I saved myself.
"The only reason
why I came back
"is because I didn't see
anything on the news
"so I knew you
were still alive."
I told the truth.
I did.
The reason why I told
the truth is because
I told myself
that I'm not
gonna lie anymore.
The only way
I'll lie is if the truth
doesn't sound believable.
Ladies, please, please
try to understand that.
That doesn't mean
I was out cheating
or fucking.
It means that
whatever I was doing
just doesn't sound right
when I say it out loud.
That's it.
That's all it means.
Everybody that
follows me knows
that all my comedy
comes from a real place.
First and foremost,
understand that
I'm older now.
I'm 36.
My friends are older
than me.
42, 46, 47, 48.
We go out,
we do older guy shit.
Me and my friends
go to a lounge,
this is a true story.
When we get to the lounge,
for some reason,
we're watching
ping-pong on TV.
We are locked in to
this ping-pong match.
Outta nowhere,
my friend Joey goes,
"You'd better be lucky
we don't have
a ping-pong table.
"If we did, I would
bust all y'all's ass."
I said, "Bet money, bitch."
That's me
and my friends'
biggest problem.
We're competitive.
The word "bet" sets off
that competitive nature.
I said, "Bet money, bitch."
Harry said, "Bet."
Wayne, "Bet."
Spank, "Bet." Joey, "Bet."
"Bitch, bet." "Bet." "Bet."
"Motherfucker, bet." "Bet."
"Nigga, bet."
"Bet." "Bet it, bitch."
"Bet." "Bet."
"Fuck you, bet." "Bet."
We get in the car,
we drive to Walmart.
We drive to Walmart,
we buy a ping-pong table.
We go back to Joey's house,
we set the ping-pong table
up in the kitchen.
We get to playing ping-pong.
Our game looks
nothing like the game
that we were watching on TV.
So we decide to add
alcohol into the mix.
Hit the ball into the net,
gotta take a shot.
You get slammed on,
gotta take two shots.
You get slammed on
and you miss the ball
completely,
gotta take three shots.
Somewhere along the line,
the game got so competitive
that Joey decided
to cut his jeans
into jean shorts
'cause he said
he wasn't getting enough
lateral movement
in the house.
Here's the fucked-up part
about that.
It was Joey's house.
All Joey had to do
is go upstairs
and change into a pair
of goddamn jean shorts.
Here's the second
fucked-up part about that.
Joey went upstairs
to get the scissors
to come back downstairs
and cut his jeans
into jean shorts.
Somewhere along the line,
I get slammed on.
I go to return the ball,
I miss the ball,
run into the wall,
fall down, black out.
I wake up, it's 10:00 am.
Holy shit.
It's 10:00 am!
I wake up,
I look at my phone,
I got 37 missed calls,
47 text messages.
Fellas, I'ma tell you
something.
The worst thing
that you can do in life
is not respond to
your lady's text messages.
Do you hear me?
That's the worst thing
that you could do.
The reason why I say that
is because your woman
will then proceed to having
a conversation with herself
through the messages
that she's sending you.
Listen to me.
This is what
that conversation
looks like.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(SINGSONG) "So this
is what we doing now?
"Wow!
"I guess this
what we're doing now.
"You know what?
"I hope that bitch
is worth it.
"Wow!
"So you telling me
that bitch is worth it?
"You know what?
"Don't even come
home tonight.
"Wow!
"So you really not gonna
come home tonight?"
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
She's drawing conclusions
and answering the conclusions
that she drew by herself.
It's a sickness, ladies.
It's a disease.
First thing I do,
I haul ass into Joey's room.
"Joey! Wake your ass up!
"What the hell you
let me sleep over here
till 10:00 am for?
"You know damn well
I gotta be home."
He said, "Let me stop
you right there, Kev.
"First of all,
I don't know where
you have to be. Okay?
"What I do know,
is that I'm where
I'm supposed to be.
"I know that.
I know that much."
He said, "It sounds to me
like you need to make
better life decisions."
I said, "Joey,
don't start that shit.
"Don't start that.
"This is serious.
"It's 10:00 am!
"I can't just
walk in the house
"with nothing wrong
with me at 10:00 am.
"I'm not drunk,
I'm not injured.
"I can't stroll in
the house perfectly fine
and be like, 'Morning,'
"and just go to bed
like everything's all right
at fucking 10:00 am."
He said, "Why not?
That's your house."
"I don't give a fuck
whose house it is, Joey!
"It's the principle!"
I said, "Reverse it.
"Let's reverse it.
"Let's say your lady
stayed out all night.
"You'd been calling and
texting her all night,
"she ain't responded
to nothing.
"She just walks in
the house at 10:00 am.
"In your mind,
what was she doing?"
"Oh, that means she was
out there sucking dick,
"that's what that means
she was doing."
I said, "That's my point.
"That's what she's gonna
think I was doing."
"Your lady gonna think
you was sucking dick,
that's what you telling me?
"Well, you ain't
sucked no dick over here,
I'll tell you that.
"This ain't
the dick-sucking house,
"so I don't know
where you did that at."
"Joey, shut your dumb ass up!
Shut up!
"Bottom line,
I'm not going to
my house like this."
I said, "Joey, I got a plan.
"This is what I'm gonna do.
"Get up, get dressed.
"Put on the same clothes
you had on last night.
"We're gonna get in my car.
"I'm gonna run my car
into a wall, okay?
"That way the airbags deploy.
"When they deploy,
I'ma take a selfie.
"I'ma post it.
"I'ma be like, 'Fuck!
Another accident!
Shit happens.'
"#HospitalReady.
"#iLoveMyLadyTho."
Um...
"#TheDevilisALiar.
"#JesusTookTheWheelAgain."
The point that
I'm making is that
I was willing
to go through all
those drastic measures
just to avoid
telling the truth.
The truth is,
I was playing ping-pong.
But if I walk in
the house at 10:00 am,
as soon
as I walk in the house,
my lady in the kitchen,
and she like,
"Where the fuck was
you at last night?"
And I go,
"I was playing ping-pong!"
And then her black
girlfriend pop out
and she like, "Ping-pong?
"Really?"
(AUDIENCE ECHOING)
I'm in trouble.
I know my lady, people.
I'ma tell you the worst thing
about my woman.
The worst thing about her
is her sense of humor.
After I proposed, I had to
go to Atlanta for two months.
I'm in Atlanta,
I'm filming a movie.
I get to my hotel,
I unpack my bag,
I find a pocket pussy
in my bag.
For those people here
tonight who do not know
what a pocket pussy is,
a pocket pussy...
A pocket pussy is a pussy
you put in your pocket.
I don't know, people.
It's self-explanatory.
I think the definition
is in the title.
All I know is,
I didn't put it in my bag.
I call her.
"Hey!
"You put this pocket
pussy in my bag?"
"Yes.
"Yes, I did."
"For what?"
"Because you're gonna
be gone for two months.
"If you get the urge
to do something,
I suggest you do it
"to that pocket pussy."
"Girl, get off
my phone. Bye."
"Bye."
I hang up the phone,
unpack my bag,
I put the pocket pussy
on the table.
I walk by that pocket pussy
for three days, people.
Each day became more difficult
than the day before.
Day one...
Day one, I was cool.
"Ha!
"She bought a pocket pussy,
put a pocket pussy in my bag!
"She crazy,
bought a pocket pussy!"
Day two.
"Let me read the package.
"What does it say?
"Like, what is it?"
Day three.
"I'ma open it
'cause I wanna smell it.
"Is it real?
"Like, what is it?"
Day four was
the saddest day
of my life.
Day four was the day
that I decided to fuck
the pocket pussy.
Let me tell you
when it got bad.
It didn't get bad
until I caught a reflection
of what I was doing
in the mirror.
I was going to work
on this pocket pussy,
people.
I swear to God.
I was butt-ass naked,
sweating, talking shit.
"You think I'm just gonna
walk by you every day?
"That's what you think?
"You asked for this.
"You wanted this
just as much as I did."
I was so disappointed
in myself.
Let me tell you,
here's why I was mad.
I was mad at the fact
that they make contraptions
for men.
Like, fellas,
if we wanna use something
to please ourselves sexually,
we look like creeps.
Perverts.
Women, you got it made.
You got cute shit.
You got the bullet.
The bullet is this big.
You can fit it in
your coin purse.
Use it at your desk at work.
(MAKES BUZZING NOISE)
(MOANING)
(MAKES BUZZING NOISE)
(MOANING)
"You all right, Carol?"
"I am now."
"What the fuck
happened to you?"
It's not the same for men.
I've been to the sex store.
The shit that I saw,
it disgusted me.
The pocket mouth.
The pocket ass.
The pocket titties.
I was disgusted.
Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!
I bought all of it.
I did.
No, I know. I know.
That's one of
the longest walks
I've ever taken back
to my car in my life.
When they give you
that pitch-black
pervert plastic bag,
you're trying
to look normal.
(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYING)
You look like
a fucking creep.
Everything about
you says "creep".
You're trying to speak,
"How you all doing?
Everybody all right?"
"Get your freaky ass
outta here, man!
"I see that
black plastic bag
full of dicks.
"Get your dick-in-a-bag-ass
outta here, man."
"Right, all right. Got you."
I was excited
when I got back
to my hotel.
I laid it all out
on the bed.
I was like, "All right.
"Who's gonna get
this dick first?"
I was excited.
I was excited
'cause I created
the perfect woman.
I had the black ass,
the white titties,
the Latina mouth.
Whoo-hoo! Oh, man.
It looked like somebody raped
Mrs. Potato Head and
left it all over the place.
(LAUGHING)
"I couldn't do it.
I can't do this shit.
"I can't use this."
There's only one thing
that I've ever used
for sexual enhancement.
One thing.
One thing.
I don't give a shit,
I'll tell the truth.
I'll be honest with you.
I was having
a bad week.
It was a bad
sex week for me.
I was cumming fast all week.
It was a premie week.
That's what I called it.
It didn't get bad until
my lady gave me that
frustration deep breath.
(EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE)
Your lady
ever give you that?
She roll over on you...
(EXCLAIMING IN ANNOYANCE)
"You want me
to rub your back?
"You all right?
You want me to
do anything?
"I'm not
drinking enough water,
that's the problem.
"I'm not drinking
enough water.
"I'm dehydrated.
"I really think
that's the problem."
I've only used one thing
for sexual enhancement.
One thing.
Good thing about
me and my friends
is we fucking... We talk.
We confide
in one another.
I called Nate.
I said, "Nate,
I don't know what's going
on with my body, man.
"I've been cumming
fast all week, dude.
"Is this
a medical issue?
"Like, really,
do I need to go
to the doctor?
"Is my blood level low?
Do I need a pill?"
He said, "Shut your ass up.
You're a man.
"Happens to
the best of us."
He said, "If you
wanna fix this right away,
I've got this numbing cream.
"You put the numbing cream
on your shit before you do it,
"it'll numb you up,
you'll last forever."
I said, "Nate,
I need that tonight."
True story.
I go to Nate's house,
he gives me the cream,
I put it on at his house.
I call my lady,
I start talking shit.
"Hey, you've been
running your mouth
all week.
"As soon as I get home,
"Operation
Put-A-Hole-In-Your-Back
is in session.
"As soon as I get home."
"Whatever, whatever."
"Ain't no whatever.
"Hole-In-Your-Back as
soon as I get home."
I get home,
we go at it.
She stops me,
she starts giving me head.
(MAKES SUCKING NOISE)
I stop her.
We start doing it again.
I'm talking shit.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh!
"You did this!
"You did this
to yourself!
"Look at you sitting there,
looking all stupid.
"With that dumb-ass
goddamn look on your face.
"Can't say shit now.
"Say something!
"Say something!
"Say something!
"Say something!
"Say something!
"Say something!"
She said,
(IN SQUEAKY FEMALE VOICE)
"I can't feel my mouth."
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
I said, "What?"
She said,
"My mouth feels numb.
"I can't feel my mouth."
I look down, slobber
and shit coming out
the side of her mouth.
It dawned on me
she done sucked all
the numbing cream off.
But as a man,
you can't tell
on yourself.
You gotta take
this to the grave.
So I just made
some shit up.
I said,
"You must be allergic
to these pillowcases.
"These are
new pillowcases."
She's like, "I know."
She said,
"I know, I'm gonna
throw them in the trash."
I said, "Yeah.
"We gotta get rid of these."
This is what almost
made me shit on myself.
She said...
She said,
"I don't feel pretty."
"You don't look it right now.
"This is fucked up.
"This is bad for everybody.
"You over here with
that permanent
"going-down-on-
the-roller-coaster face."
This is fucked up.
"Oh, no. Oh, no."
I let, like, a week go by,
then I told her.
I told her
what happened.
I didn't give a shit.
I told you guys,
I'm 36.
36 is the perfect age
to stop giving a shit.
The shit that
I used to care about,
I don't care about anymore.
Like when I wear
white underwear.
Now, I don't care
about wearing 'em.
Back then, if I had, like,
shit stains in my drawers,
I would try to get my drawers
before she saw them.
Get 'em out of the house.
Get in my car,
drive, cut 'em up,
throw 'em out at
different exits.
"She ain't never
gonna find these.
"CSI couldn't find these."
Why do women love to argue
about obvious shit?
Like, she found
a pair of my drawers
with shit stains
in them one time,
she confronted me.
"Uh, excuse me.
"What is this?"
"Bitch, it's shit.
"What do you think it is?
It's shit.
"It's perfectly placed
in the crack of my ass.
"What else would it be?
"What,
you think I got a Sharpie
and I'm fucking with you?
"You think I got
a brown Sharpie,
"and I'm like, 'She's gonna
think this is shit?'
"Smell it,
it smells like shit."
I got mad 'cause I
knew where I hid them.
So I tried to flip it.
I was like,
"What the fuck you doing
behind the dresser?
"I hid those
behind the dresser!"
Shit that I used to
care about, I don't care.
I don't care about
not giving a shit
as long as I don't go crazy.
I don't wanna become crazy.
I respect crazy
people too much.
The reason why,
I've had too many situations
with real-life crazy people.
I'ma tell you,
the craziest situation
I've ever been in,
one night, I'm drunk.
I'm hungry.
Everything's closed,
so I stop at a gas station.
I go to the gas station
and it's crowded.
There's like
13 people in line.
I want my chips
and snacks that bad
that I'm willing
to wait in line.
I decide to
open up my chips.
I start eating them
while I'm in line.
Out of nowhere,
the guy in front
of me snaps.
"Sick of this shit!
"Bitch on the register
all fucking slow!
"I bet you'll speed it up
"when I start shooting
these motherfuckers
in the head!"
When I turned back around,
we locked eyes.
We're looking
at each other.
I panicked, I was like,
"You took the words right
outta my goddamn mouth!
"I was about to
say the same shit!"
He said, "Yeah, 'cause me
and you brothers, that's why.
"Don't worry,
I got this one.
"You get the next one.
You can leave."
I said, "Thank you."
I left real fast.
I didn't say shit.
I just walked out.
Let me tell you something.
One of the most
uncomfortable moments
in my life was the day
that I had to
walk by 13 people
that have just been told
that they was about to die
when I got chose to live.
The reason why I was mad
was 'cause they kept staring
at me on my way out.
I was like, "What?
"He chose me.
"What do you want
from me?"
This one lady was like,
"Call the cops."
I was like, "I can't.
"My phone's dead.
"Just like you."
And I walked out.
I was like this.
I was just happy
to be alive.
I got stories
like that for days.
I can give you guys, by far,
this is probably
my most uncomfortable
moment in life by far.
I'm at the airport.
I just landed.
I'm on my way
to baggage claim.
While I'm walking
to baggage claim,
out of nowhere,
my stomach tells my ass
that I gotta shit right now.
I've never felt
anything like this
in my life.
I had to shut
my body down.
Don't nobody
know what's going on
except me and my ass.
I had to lock my ass up.
That's when you
just get tight ass.
I'm having
a conversation
with my ass.
"Come on, man.
"You really gonna do
this shit right now?"
My ass was like,
"Yup, right now."
"You can't wait 20 minutes
till I get back to the house?"
"Nope, you got 20 seconds.
"Clock starts now.
"19, 18, 17, 16, 15..."
I say, "You got
to be shitting me."
He said,
"I'm not, but I will."
"Okay, wait, wait,
wait, wait. Wait. Wait!"
I don't wanna go
to the bathroom
at the airport,
but I don't have
a choice.
The reason why I don't
wanna go to the bathroom
at the airport
is because I don't want
people taking pictures of me
going to the bathroom
and coming out, posting it.
#KevinHartStinkybutt.
People play too much.
Social media shit
has gotten out of hand.
But I can't hold it,
I have to go.
I make the decision to use
the bathroom at the airport.
I'm in
the bathroom stall, right?
Once again, people,
you cannot make
shit like this up.
(TOILET FLUSHING)
This is what it
looks like, people.
No, I'm for real,
this is a life-size photo.
This is really
what it looks like.
This is how small I am
on an actual toilet.
I'm in the bathroom.
It's 6:30 in the morning.
I'm by myself.
By myself.
It's quiet.
It's just like this.
Quiet.
This is what I hear
outta nowhere.
"Yo, Kev Hart,
how long you gonna be, man?
"I wanna get a picture
with you when you come out."
Immediately I put my feet up.
I did this right here.
I said, if he can't see
my feet, he'll go away.
He's like, "Come on, man,
I saw your feet already.
"I know you're in there.
"Just gimme a timeframe.
"How long you gonna be?"
"Gimme like 15,
20 minutes, man."
"Come on, man,
that's too long.
"My flight leaves in like 10 minutes.
Just pinch it.
"Pinch it off for me."
"What the fuck?
"What? No, man.
"Ain't nobody's pinching nothing, man.
"Just get outta here."
"Kev, don't do me like that.
"I'm your biggest fan, man.
"I support everything you do.
"What would you do if you was me?"
"I would let me shit by myself, man.
"Just get outta here."
He said, "Kev, come on.
"You know what?
"This is what I'ma do,
I'ma get my picture real quick.
"I'm just gonna put
my phone over the stall,
"I'ma snap a picture real quick."
The fear that went through my body
of looking up and seeing a camera flash.
Oh, my God, I was scared because
I didn't put toilet paper on the toilet seat.
I didn't have time.
I didn't want that picture to get out
'cause I didn't want my fan base to know
that I be raw-butting
these toilet seats sometimes.
I said y'all gonna
lose respect for me
if you find out
that I be raw-butting
these toilet seats.
Listen, the reason
why I had to go
to the bathroom was
because I drank coffee.
I don't drink coffee.
My lady drinks coffee.
She had a vanilla latte,
I tasted it.
I said, "God damn, babe.
That's good.
What is that?"
She said,
"A vanilla latte."
I said, "Yo,
I'm gonna get me one.
"Where'd you get it from?"
She said, "Starbucks."
I said, "I'm going."
She said, "Babe,
"I should go with you
'cause you've never been."
"Girl, shut up. I'm grown,
"I'ma go by myself."
"No, babe, I'm serious.
"You don't know
how it works there.
Let me go with you."
"Girl, shut up.
I'm fine."
I get in the car,
I drive to Starbucks.
She keeps calling me
while I'm on
the way to Starbucks.
"You get there yet?"
"You okay?"
"You need my help?"
Now I'm getting nervous.
Like, what the fuck
is this place?
I'm really getting nervous.
I get to Starbucks,
I've never seen
anything like it.
I open the door,
it's mayhem.
All I hear is noise.
"Gimme the frappe whap.
"Frappe whap.
"Frappe what,
frapped lat.
"Frappe whap, fat lat."
I've never seen
anything like it.
I'm scared.
I'm in line.
I don't even know
how I got in line,
but I'm there.
I'm like, in the middle.
I'm trying to fit in,
but I know I don't.
I'm sweating.
I'm next.
Here's what
I don't like.
I don't like
the pressure
that the barista
put on me for not
knowing the lingo.
It's my first time ever
going to Starbucks, people.
My first time.
I'm like,
"Good morning.
"Um...
"It's crowded, right? Shit.
"Um, what do I want?
"Let me get a...
"Let me get
a vanilla lattet."
"I'm sorry, sir,
what'd you say?"
"Is it...
"Lemme get
a vanilla latex.
"Lattet.
Let me get that."
"You mean latte?"
"Yes, that's what I mean.
"Let me get
a small vanilla latte."
"Okay, sir, that's
one tall vanilla latte."
"No. That's not
what I want.
"I don't want a tall,
I want a small."
"Sir, a tall is a small."
"No, it's not.
"If that's the case,
I would be tall.
"Tall is tall,
a small is small."
You know what,
I don't wanna cause a rut.
"Whatever your
version of a small is,
lemme get that."
"How would you
like that, sir?
"Would you like
that iced or hot?"
Fuck is going on, man?
What you talking about?
Like, when I get nervous,
I just repeat shit.
"Would I like it
iced or hot?
"Would I like it
iced or hot?
"Fuck. Um...
"Shit.
"How would you get it?"
The lady behind me
was like, "Mmm."
She only had one shoulder.
I stopped talking
to her immediately.
I said, "Let me get it iced."
She said, "What'd you say?"
I said, "Hot.
"Hot ice. Icy hot.
"Put it together like that.
"That's how I want it.
That's how I drink it."
"Sir, would you like
it whipped or blended?"
(SINGSONG) "Would I like
it whipped or blended?
"Shit.
"Fuck.
"Would I like it
whipped or blended?
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
"You know what, whip it.
"Whip it, whip it real good.
Just do that."
"Sir, for $2 more,
do you wanna
make it a skinny?"
"Well,
you know, I ain't trying
to leave with the fat bitch.
"Do what you gotta do, man."
"Sir, what kind of milk
would you like?
"Would you like
whole milk, skim milk,
2%, soy?"
"I didn't even know
there was that
many milks, man.
"Fuck. Shit.
"What, you all
got the heat on?
"God damn,
my fucking ass
is sweating.
"Can you back up?
"God damn, back up!
"You don't see
I'm trying to
take this test?
"Shit.
"How many? You say
there's four milks?
"Fuck.
"Put them all in there.
Give me every milk you've got.
"I want every
goddamn milk you got.
Put it in there."
"Sir, would you like
to cut it with caramel,
put cinnamon on top?"
"You know what?
I just want to cancel it.
"I don't even know
what I have at this point.
"Am I getting a latte
or am I baking a fucking cake?
"Just let me...
"Let me get a banana.
"Can I get that banana?
"Just put some
water in my hand
"so I can put it on
my face real quick."
"You want that water
to be hot or cold?"
"What the fuck is
your problem, man?
"God damn!
Will you back up?
"Back up!
"Shit!
"Relax, bend your knees."
"I can't bend my knees
because I got attacked
by an orangutan."
The black girl popped out.
"Orangutan?
"Really?"
(AUDIENCE ECHOING)
I'm gonna be
honest with y'all.
I don't like people that
drink Starbucks coffee.
I really don't.
Matter of fact, if you're
a real Starbucks drinker
and you're here tonight,
make some noise.
If you're a real
Starbucks drinker.
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Okay, all of y'all
can suck my balls.
I wanted you all to know
who I was talking to.
Here's my question.
Who the fuck do
you think you are?
Like,
do you hear
what you order?
Do you hear what
you're asking people
to bring you back?
Have you ever made
an innocent Starbucks run
for somebody?
You don't even drink it,
you're just being nice.
"Hey, man, I'm going
to Starbucks real quick.
I'ma get a bottle of water.
"Somebody want something?"
It's always one guy.
You can tell he
drinks way too much coffee
'cause he got too much energy.
(GRUNTS)
"Hey! Yay!
Hey-yay-yay!
"You going to Starbucks?
"You going to Starbucks?
You going to Bucky's?
"Do me a favor, man.
Let me get a, um...
"Let me get
a caramel macchiato.
"Caramel macchiato.
"Light ice. Not heavy.
"If it's heavy,
I'm not gonna drink it.
"Do me a favor.
"Tell 'em to put
a little bit of soy in it.
"Not a lot, just enough
for me to taste it and go...
(SMACKS LIPS)
"'Oh, boy.' Okay?
"Three whips.
"Take that third whip
to the top of the lip
"so I can take a sip,
you got it?
"You ain't got it.
I'ma say it one more time.
"Caramel macchiato.
"Caramel macchiato.
"Light ice. Not heavy.
"If it's heavy,
I'm not gonna drink it.
"Do me a favor.
"Tell 'em to put
a little bit of soy in it.
"Not a lot, just enough
for me to taste it and go...
(SMACKS LIPS)
"'Oh, boy.' Okay?
"Three whips.
"Take that third whip
to the top of the lip
"so I can take a sip,
you got it?"
"Let me make sure
I got it.
"Let me say it back to you.
"Black coffee.
Did I get it?
"Is it black coffee?
"'Cause if you think
I'ma go across the street
and say what you just said,
"you can suck
the back of my dick
twice on a Tuesday.
"Not a lot, just with
a little bit of soy.
"Enough for you to
suck my dick and go...
(SMACKS LIPS) 'Oh, boy.'
"When you get to
the top of my dick,
"slow down so I can know
you really sucked that shit."
Philadelphia,
my name is Kevin Hart.
Thank you!
(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
(HIP-HOP MUSIC PLAYING)
Thank you!
God damn it, thank you!
I love y'all!
Thank you, man!
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHEERING)
Thank you!
From the top of
this goddamn stadium
to the bottom, thank you!
I love y'all, man!
I'll tell you what,
Philadelphia.
This is
a fucking moment, dude.
This is a moment.
You hear me?
It's a moment.
When you look
around this room tonight,
what I love the most
is that I see
every race, ethnicity,
nationality possible.
You hear me?
I see some of everybody.
We all came
under the same roof
and we laughed tonight.
If you can laugh together,
you can live together.
If you can live together,
you can love together.
I live by those rules,
and I'll be damned
if I didn't see that
shit happen tonight.
In my city,
I made fucking history,
goddamn it.
I'm in the record books,
you hear me?
I am in the record books.
My name is Kevin Hart,
and this has been
the best night of
my fucking life.
You hear me?
Thank you all.
I appreciate you
so goddamn much.
Good night. Peace.
That's a show!
Did you see that?
53,000 people!
Did you feel that energy?
That love in
the building?
Yes. I saw it,
Kevin, you were great.
What's wrong?
What's going on?
You know the man
you killed?
Yeah.
He wasn't the leader.
What you talking about?
They're back.
They're here?
We gotta go!
Get the fuck outta here.
KEVIN: It's Agent 5-4.
I need a helicopter ASAP.
DISPATCHER ON RADIO:
We need an ID challenge.
Password, please.
Um...
(SOFTLY)
National Geographic titties
are my favorite thing.
DISPATCHER: Sorry, Agent 5-4.
You're breaking up.
Please come again?
(IN NORMAL VOICE)
Titties with no nipples
on National Geographic
are my favorite
thing to watch on TV.
Titties with no nipples?
That's your password?
DISPATCHER: ID confirmed,
Agent 5-4.
Helicopter en route.
Thank you.
We're picking up two inbound
bogeys about half a mile
east of your location.
Shit.
They're on our ass.
(TIRES SCREECHING)
(TIRES SCREECHING)
KEVIN: Oh, shit.
Get in.
So what now?
Now?
Well, now we do the same thing
on a global scale.
I think it's time to show the world
just how funny Kevin Hart is.
SINGER: (SCREAMING) Kevin!