Please don't execute me.
It is such a waste of my lovely woman's body.
I've got years of shagging in me.
Why chop off my head when thou could...
lift up my dress and look at my front bottom?
Phwoar! I'm not gonna kill you!
CHEERING
Sir...
I owe thou a shag.
Oh...
- ALL:
- Large!
HE GULPS
Kevin?
- Kevin!
- Wuuurrrgh!
- How's your homework going?
- Fine, until you came in. Oh!
Bring this mess down when you come.
I'm not your slave!
Don't talk to your mother like that.
MIMICS: Don't talk to your mother like that!
HE SNORTS
Oh...
So unfair...
"Dear diary. Sorry I've never written in you.
"I have higher things on my mind."
"If I did write down my thoughts, you would be a bestseller.
"I am a teenage genius, unrecognised by the world.
"The only person who understands me is my best mate Perry."
All right, Kev.
"He is joyful in his understanding of my wisdom."
Your jacket's inside out.
I do know. I don't conform to conventional dress patterns.
"Until Perry met me, he was but a humble peasant,
"but now he is top."
Respect.
"We are only free to express our philosophy through our mixes."
# All I wanna do is do it
# Big girl, big girl
# All I wanna do is do it
# Big girl, big girl
# All I wanna do is do it
# Big girl, big girl
# Big girl, big girl, big girl... #
Kevin! Turn it down!
MUSIC GETS LOUDER
"When we are top DJs, my senile parents will surely eat their pants."
- You're a genius, darling!
- You certainly proved us wrong.
I sure did. Huh!
Thanks. Will you shag me?
OK.
- GIRLS:
- Shag me!
"For, dear diary, there is pain behind my genius.
"My teenage heart is broken.
"I've been up for it for three bloody years,
"but no girl has yet let me go the whole way."
HE HOWLS
HOWLING
HOWLING
HOWLING CONTINUES
- You got it?
- Yeah.
- I get the goods, you give him that.
- Go, go, go.
Go, go, go.
This, please.
Wurrrgh!
3.99, please.
Thank you!
KEVIN GASPS
You were scared of the pigs.
- I ain't.
- They're scared of me.
- I rule this manor. I'm hard.
- There's your dad.
KEVIN YELPS
No!
Are you all right, Kevin?
Oh... Hi, Dad. Yeah, fine, thanks.
Why are you lying there?
I'm a bit tired. I need a sleep.
We're knackered, Mr Porno-P-Patterson.
Yawn.
"Debbie from London loves clubbing.
"I go to Ibiza every year for the clubs and the carefree sex.
"It's fantastic. Everyone gets off with everyone else. It is so horny."
- I love her, Kev.
- That's it!
What?
We are DJs. Where do DJs go for the summer?
Ibiza.
And all girls who go to Ibiza shag anyone, especially DJs.
So where are we going to go?
Ibiza? What, you think you deserve to go to Ibiza after this?
HE MUMBLES
It's worse than we expected. "Kevin lacks application.
- "Is still a virgin..."
- What?
"Is still emerging from a rebellious phase that shows no sign of ending."
- Huh!
- It's just awful, isn't it?
What have you got to say for yourself?
So can we go to Ibiza?
I think I've answered that! No!
Oh! That is so unfair!
Mum...
- Perhaps if...
- I said no!
Ugh!
- What your father says goes.
- Ugh! Ugh! I can't take any more!
I'm adopted! My real parents couldn't possibly treat me like this!
I hate you!
'Scuse me...
I'm running away! Goodbye for ever!
- You leave no room to compromise.
- DOOR SLAMS
- Compromise with that?
- He has nothing to look forward to!
- He deserves it.
- He'll be impossible all holiday!
'Scuse me, Mr and Mrs Patterson. Erm... Could I have a jam sandwich?
WHIMPERING
CHURCH ORGAN PLAYS
Kevin left us a note,
to remember him by.
It is typical of the Kevin we all knew,
loved,
and in many cases, shagged.
"I'm killing myself because I'm too good for this world.
"A prophet is never understood in his own land, innit?
"Soft friends, don't be sad.
"I've gone to a better place, where you never have to tidy your room,
"a place where your parents buy you new Nike trainers every week."
"I didn't mean to cause you any pain, Mum...
"but you shouldn't have made me wash."
- SOBBING:
- Kevin!
Kevin!
Yeah. I'm dead now. Yeah.
Oh, Kevin!
Kevin, tea's ready!
HE SIGHS
HE FARTS
How nice you've come back. We thought you'd gone for ever.
Eeeuurrrgghhh!
We've decided... that you can both go to Ibiza.
BOTH: Come on!
Provided you get a job to pay for it.
What are you talking about? YOU pay for my holidays.
That's what parents are for!
- Our lives are about more than that.
- Don't be so ridiculous.
Pass the salt, please, Kevin.
I am not your slave!
This is what happens when you compromise!
Do you know what the trouble with you two is? You're so alike!
BOTH: What?! That is so unfair!
- You want ME to give YOU a job?
- Yeah. HE WHISTLES
Please.
- Do you know the store?
- Yeah.
Where do you find punk?
On my sheets.
Spunk. Pp-pp!
MUSIC: "Ooh La La" by The Wiseguys
# Come on!
# Come on! Come on!
# Say ooh la la, say zoom
# Come on! Come on!
# Say ooh la la, say zoom
# Come on! Come on!
# Say ooh la la... #
Finished!
Well done, boys. Here's one for you and one for you.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
We're not cut out for manual work.
Intellectuals aren't.
- I've got too many great thoughts...
- Mopeds!
- Cider!
- Party!
- I can see her bra!
- Bra? Where? Oh, yeah!
MUSIC: "King of Snake" by Fatboy Slim Remix
# Dogman and the king of snake
# King of snake, king of snake
# Dogman and the king of snake
# King of snake
# Dogman and the king of snake
# King of snake, king of snake
# 24 hours with the king of snake
# Snake, snake, snake
# Snake, snake, snake, snake
# Snake, snake, snake, snake... #
Oh, man...
Oh... Oh, my head...
SHE GROANS
Oh, hi, baby.
MUSIC: "I'm In The Mood For Love" by Jools Holland featuring Jamiroquai
# I'm in the mood for love
# Simply because you're near me
# Funny but when you're near me
# I'm in the mood for love
# Heaven is in your eyes
# Bright as the stars we're under
# Oh, is it any wonder
# I'm in the mood for love
# Why stop to think of whether
# This little dream might fade
# We'll put our hearts together
# Now we're one, I'm not afraid...
Kev!
Good morning, Perry.
PERRY CHUCKLES
KEVIN CHUCKLES
- Did you shag her?
- Yeah.
- You shagged Sharon?
- Only three times. PERRY WHISTLES
Cor.
- So you've done it with a girl, then?
- Yeah. I stuck it up her good.
That mean you don't want to go to Ibiza?
Now you don't need to go to Ibiza for a guaranteed shag.
I'll get a shag here, probably.
No, we can still go to Ibiza. I can always do more shagging.
Oh. Thanks, Kev. You're a mate. But how are we going to get the money?
It's all in the mind. We're DJs.
We can earn our money on the street.
# All I wanna do is do it
# Big girl, big girl
# All I wanna do is do it
# Big girl, big girl
# All I wanna do is do it
# Big girl, big girl, big girl
- # Big girl, big girl, big girl...
- Oi!
I want a word.
Oh... Hi, darling. How's it going?
- Did you say you shagged me?
- No...
Yeah, you bloody did. Stacey heard you.
N-No... I didn't.
I wouldn't shag you, you sad twat.
Say anything like that again and I'll smack ya! Virgin!
You said you shagged her three times.
Shut up! I'm getting outta here.
This place is full of losers.
ALL CHANT: Virgins! Virgins!
Girls here don't appreciate our musical genius.
- What we going to do?
- I don't know.
It's all gone Pete Tong.
Registered letter for your father.
- Will you sign for it?
- Yeah, sure.
Cheers.
Thank you.
Perry! We're saved!
We get the money and go to Ibiza. Sorted.
It's your dad's credit card. It's stealing.
We'll go to prison and get buggered.
You will. You're small.
I'll be all right. KEVIN GASPS
Eurggh! Virgins!
I'm not staying here. We'll pay him back when we're top DJs.
- Are you in or out?
- In.
- Aaarrgh!
- Shut your noise!
You two! Move, now! Move!
Put your hands up! Keep your mouths shut!
- You! Sit down and put your hands up.
- THEY WHIMPER
You, fill that up.
ALARM BLARES
Money, now. Come on!
On behalf of the bank, thank you. Enjoy that reward money.
BOTH: Thank you.
If you want a job, give me a ring.
Banking offers many exciting opportunities for virgins like you.
BOTH: Thank you. Thank you. Eh?
We're very proud of you.
- It was really public spirited.
- Kevin...
and public spirited. Never thought I'd hear those words.
Urrghhh...
We've got a present for you.
Thank Dad.
What?
He's paid for our tickets.
What do you mean, "our tickets"?
We're coming, too.
BOTH GASP
- You didn't think you could go on your own?
- THEY LAUGH
That is so unfair! Ow!
It's so unfair...
I'd hate to have my head chopped off.
If it was raining, you'd get water in the hole.
Never mind, Kev.
Those bastards!
If they're paying for the flights, we've got more dosh for top gear!
Perry, you're right.
Let us prepare.
# All I wanna do is do it...
# Big girl... #
Kev! Look! The girls of our dreams!
Boys!
- Over here, now!
- Oh!
This is the worst holiday of my life.
Kev, look!
Whoa. The superstar DJ Eyeball Paul.
Tits up, Big Baz. 'Aving it large.
All right, Eyeball Paul?
HE BURPS
- Cool!
- Brilliant!
Be careful, you clumsy twat.
Muff, Wankette, you dirty little club babes, get in.
Kevin, Perry! Hurry up, boys!
Your mummy's calling, little boys. Hurry up.
- She is one lippy bitch.
- HE LAUGHS
Eyeball Paul's such a nice bloke.
He's our new best mate, isn't he?
If we get him to hear our mixes, he might let us do a set with him.
- And shag his birds.
- All the birds we want!
This is the best holiday of my life.
DANCE MUSIC
- See you on the beach.
- Huh! I don't think so!
- You've got to go to the beach.
- Yeah...but not your beach.
We are going to the beach you don't even know about,
because you're nearly dead.
Mr Patterson, Mrs Patterson.
How dare you speak like that!
- HORN BEEPS
- Kevin!
El beacheo!
- Kevin, I'm talking to you!
- Wanker!
The beach!
- Banging!
- Large!
DANCE MUSIC
Oi, Kev, look!
It's the girls from the airport.
Zoom, zoom, zoom!
BOTH: Ooh...
Let's stand close to them so they get interested.
Good idea.
- Oh. I'm hooked in.
- Me, too.
We'll get in the sea to cool off.
SQUELCHING
SQUELCHING
Afternoon, ladies.
How's it hanging, ladies?
A lovely afternoon for the beach, eh, ladies?
Yeah, it's me. Yeah, cos we're going to El Divino tonight, yeah?
- Would you like a drink?
- Or Pasha.
- Margarita, no salt, innit, Gemma?
- It is, Candice.
Cos Ministry's at Pasha, yeah?
Two margaritas with no salt, please.
Shaken not stirred.
Or Manumission.
- We might go to Manumission tonight.
- Or Es Paradise.
Or we might go to Es Paradise.
- Or Privilege.
- Or Privilege.
- Or Amnesia.
- Or Amnesia.
Cos the tunes there are banging...
PHONE RINGS
Ladies.
Cheers, waiter. Keep the change.
- Very lovely ladies, aren't they?
- Very lovely.
- What's my chubby babe called?
- Gemma. Mine's Candice.
- Gemma's got a lovely personality.
- Candice is so interesting.
I think they love us, Kev.
DANCE MUSIC
The evening begins.
Superstar DJs Kev P and Perr E hit the town.
Cor, yeah. Trannies! Ugh!
Wooh! Urgh!
- LOUD FOOTSTEPS
- What the bloody hell's that?
Germans!
Here, Kev, look.
Tonight Gemma is going to see what is down my trousers.
What is down my trousers? Would you like a look?
# What is the matter?
# Don't tell me that it doesn't hurt...#
- HE LAUGHS
- Gemma! Lick my lurve plank. Mmm!
Candice, suck my candy.
Oh, look - snoggers.
Eh?
Cor...
Urrgh!
SPANISH MUSIC PLAYS
Isn't this fun?
Now, what would you boys like?
- I am not hungry.
- Come on, Son.
You'll need energy if you want to go bopping.
HE GROANS
- We'll order for everybody, shall we?
- Good idea.
Er, como el primo plato quisiera tapas. Una mezcla, por favour.
Y despues una gran paella por todo?
Una necesita se fuerte para hacer el amor, cara mia.
KEVIN RETCHES
PERRY GROANS
The table's a bit wobbly.
We need a wedge. Pass me that beer mat, sexy pants.
Oh, for God's sake!
Hasta banana, Mrs Patterson.
- What a couple of wankers!
- Yeah, we are, ain't we?
- No, my parents!
- Oh, yeah. Sorry.
DANCE MUSIC
- Cool!
- Rinsin'!
Large!
BOTH: Eyeball Paul!
Come on, Big Baz. Shift, you fat tart.
All right, Eyeball Paul!
It's the little wankers from the airport.
BOTH LAUGH
- Are you here tonight?
- How's your mummy, Ginger Pubes?
HE LAUGHS She's a bitch!
Don't stand there. Give him a hand.
- Thanks very much.
- Ginger Pubes!
And you, Sad Act.
Ladies.
Ladies.
Eyeball Paul?
- What do you want?
- We done some mixes of our own.
- What, you and Sad Act?
- Yeah.
I don't suppose we could play them for you some time? No? All right, then.
- So you're brother DJs?
- Yeah.
What tunes you got? What beats you into?
Well, erm...
House or garage?
House...
Acid house or pumping house?
Er... Pumping house?
Balearic pumping or commercial pumping?
Balearic pumping.
- Sash or Chicane?
- Sash!
HE LAUGHS
Boys, these blaggers are pants!
KEVIN LAUGHS
Yeah, I'll hear your mix. My pad tomorrow.
- Be there.
- Oooh!
Fuck off!
- Thanks, Eyeball Paul.
- Thank you.
- Oh, he's such a nice bloke.
- Brilliant. We're gonna be DJs!
DANCE MUSIC
Sorry, girls.
No monsters.
Beautiful people can pass.
But monsters - no.
Do you understand?
Look. Your faces - Urrrgh! - offend my mirror.
Go on. Go on.
- Cos I didn't want to go, anyway.
- Yeah, me, neither.
Maybe tomorrow, I'm going to have a makeover with Boots beauty products.
Yeah, and me.
Them boys can get us in cos they're mates with Eyeball Paul, innit?
Yeah. Best mates.
DANCE MUSIC
Oh, man, that was banging.
Eyeball Paul plays hammering tunes.
- What happened to our ladies?
- You've got to be sorted to get in.
- We're gonna be loved-up DJs.
- We're having it large!
- We've been up all night!
- We bleached it!
If we get the girls in, we'll be up all night shagging...
Oh, my God! Hello, Perry.
PERRY GIGGLES Eeeeurrrrgh!
- Hello, darling.
- Had a good night?
You are disgusting!
Mrs Patterson, you cheeky girl.
Phwoar!
- Your mum and dad were doing it.
- That is disgusting!
They do not do it. They've only ever done it once.
Sorry, darling, we'll have to do it.
Do it? What a revolting thought.
It's the only way if you're to have the world's greatest DJ.
I'll turn out the light.
- Ouch!
- Sorry.
- Thank God that's over.
- Never again.
Brrrr!
- What's up, Kev?
- I just had a revolting thought.
We'll be doing that with Candice and Gemma.
- Oh! Oh!
- We'll be doing what they're doing.
Oh, Ray!
Won't we, Kev?
Oh, Ray! Oh! Oh!
Won't we, Kev?
Oh! Oh!
Won't we, Kev?
Oh! Oh, Ray!
Won't we, Kev?
Doing what?
- Shagging, like your parents.
- They are not shagging.
LOUD BANGING AND SCREAMING
Euurrrghhh!
SCREAMING AND GROANING
GROWLING
# And maybe
# You're gonna be the one... #
- BOTH:
- # ..That saves me...
# And after all... #
- BOTH:
- # ..You're my wonderwall #
Never ever sing that again!
- We like Oasis.
- You do not!
You're all saggy! You've never heard of Oasis!
Morning, Perry. What's up with Prince Charming?
Mrs Patterson.
Bucks fizz, Mrs Five Times?
Ooh, Ray!
- Shut up, Perry!
- Sorry, Kev.
- Cool!
- Rinsin'!
Come in.
Look who it is. Ginger Pubes and Sad Act.
- All right?
- Eyeball Paul.
We done a bit of a mix...
Twat!
Gets into your bloodstream quicker.
- Cool!
- Rinsin'.
Come on!
You were saying?
Yeah, erm... We done a mix.
First of all, lads, I thought I might give my bathroom a paint.
Fancy giving us a hand?
- Love to!
- Sorted.
Brushes are in the kitchen.
- Great!
- Oh, and lads...
You'll see I've just had a banging shit in the bog.
You might have to push it down.
No problem. Thanks very much.
Eyeball Paul is so nice letting us do all that work.
Shame we didn't have a bog brush.
It was so kind to give us these!
Shame his tape machine was bust.
He did say he'd listen tomorrow, when we go to wash his pants.
He's such a rinsin' geezer.
- Rinsin'.
- Rinsin'!
MUSIC ON PERSONAL STEREO
I GOT AN IDEA!
WHAT WE'LL DO IS WALK UP TO THE GIRLS AND IGNORE THEM.
AND THEY'LL BE REALLY SAD.
AND THEN, WE'LL TURN ROUND AND GO, "OH, HELLO, LADIES."
AND THEY'LL BE OVERJOYED.
I LOVE MY BLUBBERY BABY SO MUCH, KEV.
SHE'S GOT LOVELY, BOUNCY BOOBIES. LOOK!
BOTH GRUN THEY GRUN WHAT YOU STOPPED FOR?
- I'M HAVING A PISS.
- URGH!
ALL GROAN
YOU'VE GOTTA PISS IN THE SEA. IT'S LAW.
GROANS FROM BEACH
- IT'S A FLOATER! ALL:
- Urrrgh!
Wurrrrrgggh!
# Coming to get ya, coming to get ya... #
Do you think Gemma saw my poo?
I wouldn't mind seeing Gemma's poo.
Candice and Gemma do not poo.
What, like Baby Spice?
Now we'll have to think of something to impress them.
THE GIRLS LAUGH
Afternoon, ladies!
- Ladies.
- TYRES SCREECH
CRASH!
- Been shopping, ladies?
- Lovely afternoon, ladies.
- They was impressed.
- Definitely.
Candice almost looked at me. Gagging for it.
Gemma was, too. Definitely, maybe, gagging for it.
- Gagging for it. Large!
- Hello!
- Urrrgh!
- Mr and Mrs Patterson.
Let's get ready, Ginger Pubes.
- Perry!
- Eh?
- Don't call Kevin that.
- Sorry.
- Strict.
- HE GROWLS
- They've gotta get us in tonight.
- Yeah, so we've gotta be friendly.
- If we ask in a friendly fashion.
- Yeah. Nicely and politely.
BOTH WHISTLE
- IN A POSH ACCENT: Oh! Ladies!
- Ladies.
Ho ho ho!
Of all the bars in all the world...
- You going to Amnesia tonight?
- You get us in, innit?
Are you deaf or summink?
It would be a great pleasure to escort you lady babes to Amnesia.
We are mates with Eyeball Paul.
- BOTH:
- We know!
Well, come on, then!
Wait here!
BOTH: Sorted!
MUSIC: "The Look of Love" by Gladys Knight
# The look
SPLAT!
- # Of love
- SPLAT!
# Is in your eyes
SPLAT!
# A look your heart can't disguise
# The look of love
# Is saying so much more than just words could ever say
# And what my heart has heard, well, it takes my breath away
SHE GASPS
- # I can hardly wait to hold you
- SHE SCREAMS
- # Feel my arms around you
- SHE SCREAMS
# How long I have waited
# Waited just to love you
# Now that I have found you...
How long have they been?
- Only four hours.
- Not too long.
# It's on your face
# A look that time can't erase...
Come on, then!
# You're mine tonight... #
Oh, no, sorry, girls.
No monsters.
Look...
Eyeball Paul! How you having it?
Large.
Large.
DANCE MUSIC
- What are these?
- I don't know.
Ladies.
CROWD SCREAMS
CROWD GROANS
MUSIC FADES
Sorry, mate.
CROWD GROANS
- Good night, ladies.
- Good night, ladies.
Good night, man in a suitcase.
Good night, part-man part-luggage.
- Good night, Germans.
- Good night, Germans.
MUSIC BUILDS
HE LAUGHS
DANCE MUSIC CONTINUES
Maybe we shouldn't have left. Maybe the girls wouldn't have minded.
They would have minded.
I wouldn't mind Gemma covered in puke. I'd still shag her.
We've still got time. I think they love us.
When Eyeball Paul plays our mix, they'll love us for ever.
Everything's gonna be all right, innit?
Kev?
CREAKING AND MOANING
'Oh! Oh!
'Oh! Oh, Ray!
'Oh, Ray! Oh! Oh!
'Oh, Ray! Oh! Oh!'
Go on, Mrs Patterson.
- 'Oh! Oh!'
- SHE SCREAMS
Urrrgh!
I'm sorry...
I'm so sorry...
'Oh! Oh, Ray!
'Oh! Oh! Oh, Ray!'
SCRUBBING
How's it going, Sad Act?
Very well, thanks.
- Have you got that tape, then?
- Yeah. It's in our beach bag.
Don't worry. I'll find it. You carry on scrubbing.
- Right.
- Thanks.
He's gonna listen to our tape!
PERRY FARTS
# All I wanna do is do it... #
- This is well hammering!
- Hammering!
Tits up! Talk about having it large!
- Boys!
- Eyeball Paul?
- I like the tape.
- Yeah?
I thought I might play it again, large. Fancy joining me?
- Oh, yeah, sure!
- Ah-ah-ah! Finish the floor.
- Oh, yeah.
- Course.
Finished, Eyeball Paul.
HE GASPS
Twat!
- Sit yourselves down, lads.
- Hello, Big Baz.
- All right, lovely ladies?
- Watch this.
You might learn a trick or two.
- You mean listen.
- No. No. Watch.
'Oh...
'Oh, Ray! Oh!'
HE LAUGHS
Eh?
- Noooooo!
- I'm sorry, Kev!
Perry, you bloody pervert!
Can we have our tape back?
She's a randy bitch, your mam, isn't she, eh?
Banging tits for an old bird.
Noooooo!
Kev!
Give him his tape back, boss.
Shut up, you soft twat!
Kev! Kev! I'm sorry, mate.
You are not my mate and you are not my fellow DJ! Goodbye for ever!
MUSIC: "Kid 2000" - Hybrid featuring Chrissie Hynde
# Kid, what changed your mood
# You've gone all sad, so I feel sad too
# I think I know...
# Some things you never outgrow
# You think it's wrong
# I can tell you do
# How can I explain
# You don't want me to...
# Kid, my only kid
# You look so small
# You've gone so quiet
# I know you know what I'm about...
- Need an 'and?
- OK.
# But you forgive
# Though you don't understand
# You've turned your head
# You've dropped my hand
# All my sorrows
# All my blues
# All my sorrows... #
SOBBING
KEVIN SOBS
What's up, love?
I...want...to go home.
Oh, dear. Have you had a row with Perry?
Yeah...
Would you like a cup of tea?
Yes, please, Dad!
Oh, love. Everything will be all right.
I've put the kettle on.
Thanks, Dad.
Tell you what, why don't we go out for a meal? Would you like that?
Yeah.
Let's smarten up and go out.
Yeah. HE SOBS
Oi!
What happened last night was well bad!
- What happened?
- He got puked on.
- What a bummer.
- You all right?
- Is he your boyfriend?
- No, he's my boyfriend.
- HE CHUCKLES
- Bum boys.
Nah, gay lovers.
- Sorry.
- Is that your sand castle?
Yeah... No. I was just helping the little kid.
- It's beautiful.
- Perry's artistic.
You've got a sensitive nature.
Where's Kevin, is it?
Er... Yeah. I don't know.
He's all right.
We're clubbing with you tonight, yeah?
Yeah...
Later.
Later.
See you later, big boy.
Where we going?
I've gotta go home. See you later.
Oi, Sad Act!
- Eyeball Paul.
- You forgot this.
And this.
Oh.
- Thanks.
- I like your mix.
- Eh?
- # All I wanna do is do it... #
It's cool. I might use it in my set tonight. Wanna lift?
You and Ginger Pubes.
Be here tonight.
Fuck off.
Thank you.
Mr and Mrs Patterson.
Where's Kev?
- He's in the bedroom.
- He's quite upset.
You better make up.
Oh... Oh, yeah...
Hello.
All right, Kev?
Sorry, Kev.
Thanks, Kev.
BOTH SOB
BOTH LAUGH
Why you got a tie on?
I'm going out with my mum and dad.
- Did you have a nice afternoon?
- No.
- How about you?
- I built a sand castle.
Candice and Gemma got boyfriends. I saw them in the street.
No, they're bum boys.
- What?
- I mean gay lovers.
Oh.
I saw them on the beach. They're friends.
- Oh.
- And Gemma said I was sensitive.
She wanked at me. I mean winked. Candice said you're all right.
- Candice?
- They want to meet us tonight.
Whoa.
Oh! And Eyeball Paul gave me this for you.
I'm really sorry, Kev. I didn't do it on purpose.
I couldn't sleep. I happened to be filming this lizard on a wall.
It crawled into your mum and dad's room.
I didn't notice them doing it,
this lizard was so interesting. And I'm really, really sorry.
Yeah, OK, OK, OK. You saw Eyeball Paul?
- Here, he said our mix was great.
- Really?
- He's going to play it tonight!
- BOTH: Whoa!
Yeah, man!
- Cool!
- Rinsin'!
- Are you coming, Perry?
- Mr Patterson?
For a meal.
Oh, yeah.
Euurrrgh!
- Kevin!
- What now?
Pick up the tie and give it to me.
- I am not your slave!
- See you later!
- He's happy.
- He's horrible.
- Can I get in the front with you?
- Don't be so pants!
Put that down like that or up like that.
You could put it down like that.
Put it up like that.
I like it like this, though.
HE WHISTLES
Here you are, lads. Your mix.
On white label.
BOTH: Whoa...
Ah!
Can we feel it, please?
Boom.
Oh...
Oh...
HORN BEEPS
- Ladies.
- Coming clubbing, ladies?
All right, Candice?
Kevin.
We're playing our new mix tonight, isn't it, Eyeball Paul?
Yeah. Yeah, that's right.
It's on white label now,
but it'll be on general release soon, probably.
Your little minxes look impressed.
TYRES SCREECH
Fuck!
- Baz, you daft bastard!
- Sorry, boss.
Jesus!
- Can I sit on your knee?
- Yeah. Sure.
Yeah, me, too.
- What was that about?
- A puppy in the road.
You should have flattened it!
- BOTH:
- No!
- You've got to be kind to puppies.
We love all furry animals.
Kevin's sensitive about God's creatures.
- Innit?
- It is. And Perry.
Tit!
It's been a fantastic holiday, love.
- Just what we needed.
- The boys needed a break.
Isn't that them?
Don't worry, lads. I can manage.
- Let's go in.
- Don't be so silly!
They won't see us with all those people. It'll be an experience.
Aren't you curious?
- This is it, Pel.
- Kev? Let's mash it up.
DANCE MUSIC
CROWD CHEERS
- How much?! You're joking!
- No concessions for senior citizens.
It's so loud!
Right, lads.
Here we go.
RECORD STARTS
CROWD CHEERS
# All I wanna do is do it, innit...
- MRS PATTERSON:
- # Ooh, ooh, Ray
# Oh, Ray!
# Oh, Ray...
# Oh, oh...
# Oh, oh...
# Oh... Oh... Oh...
# Oh! Oh!
HE LAUGHS
# Ray!
# Ah!
# Big girl
# Oh! Oh!
# Oh!
# Gemma...
# Oh, Ray!
# Lick my love plank
# Candice, suck my candy
- I'm famous!
- And me!
- BOTH:
- We love you!
# All I wanna do is do it, innit
# Big girl
# Oh, Ray! #
That's enough of that shit.
CROWD BOO
- No!
- Get off!
Dance, you scumbags!
Move, you Balearic bastards!
CROWD CHANTS: "Ooh, Ray! Ooh, Ray!"
Right! You want a piece of this shit? You can each have a bit of it.
- Don't do that, boss.
- You're fired!
CROWD CHEERS
CROWD CHANT: "Ooh, Ray! Ooh, Ray!"
Well, lads, it's over to you.
CHANTING CONTINUES
RECORD BEGINS AGAIN
CROWD CHEERS
# Oh, Ray...
# Oh, oh! Oh, oh!
# Big girl... #
Oh, Ray...
It's beautiful, innit?
- Like you, innit.
- It is. HE LAUGHS
- Is that you shagging on the record?
- Yeah. Might be.
- Who's the bird?
- My mum.
Oh, no! I mean... I never done it before.
- Er... It wasn't me.
- Were you a virgin?
No.
So was I.
HE LAUGHS
Kev!
Yeah?
Have you done it yet?
Yeah.
So have I.
Well done. Wahey!
Here, did you give it to Candice large?
- I think so!
- Oi!
GROANING
SHOUTING AND SCREAMING
Sign this!
Thanks. I shagged Kevin before he was famous.
You are not my mate and you are not my fellow DJ!
Goodbye... HE LAUGHS
- Mr and Mrs Patterson, could I have a jam sandwich, please?
- SHE LAUGHS