Guardian of the Universe. Protector against the forces of evil
He can catch a bullet,
faster than a speeding train.
He leaps tall buildings in a single bound.
Up in the sky.
Is it a bird, is it a plane?
...Mailman by day,
guardian by night.
He protects New York
from the forces of evil.
...The World has been protected by extraordinary men and
women who have dedicated themselves to fighting crime.
He has powers far beyond the capabilities of mere earthlings.
I always wondered why nobody did it
before me
I mean, all those comic
books. Movies. TV shows...
You'd think that one eccentric loner
would have made himself a costume.
Is everyday life really so
exciting,
are schools and offices so thrilling,
that Im the only one who ever fantasized about this?
C'mon. Be honest with yourself.
At some point in our lives,
we all wanted to be a super hero.
That's not me, by the way.
That's some Armenian guy with a history of
mental health problems.
Who am I?
I'm "Kick-Ass"
That's me. Back before any of this
crazy shit happened.
Guess I was the last person you'd expect to become a superhero
Not saying there was anything wrong
with me.
But there's not nothing special either
I wasn't into sports
I wasn't a mathlete...
or a hard-core gamer...
I didn't have a piercing,
or an eating disorder,
or three thousand
friends on MySpace.
My only superpower was being invisible to girls
And out of my friends, man, I wasn't even the funny one.
Like most people my age, I just
existed.
Good morning, class
Please open your books to act II, scene II
Kick in my bedroom door, you'd
probably find me watching TV.
Or talking to my friend Todd on Skype.
You watching Family Guy?
Nope.
Me neither.
check on "nippleslip.com... It's good
Or "jerking off".
Mostly to my English teacher
Dave Lizewski, don't think I
haven't noticed you looking at my tits?
Oh!... I want your
hand all over me... Dave...
Please
Sure a lot of what got me through the average school day
was making deposits in the wack-off warehouse for later
Though, to be honest I didn't take much to set me off.
I swear, when hormones balance out
shares in Kleenex are gonna take a dive, man.
Dave Lizewski
Shouldn't you be looking at Hamlet right now?
Yes, Mrs. Zane
Sorry
But don't get me wrong
I like girls in my own age, too.
Especially Katie Deauxma.
Hey gorgeous!
Hey!
Oh, No
Ah, you meant - Erika
I know. I
knew that.
I was just kidding.
O.K., cool.
oh, my God
Hey, look I'm Todd's mom.
Oh, that's funny, this is your dad
No That's still my mom, actually
What the fuck?
I was just a regular guy.
No radioactive spiders.
No refugee status from a doomed alien world.
You know what? Todd said they do still make Count
Chocula. They just dont sell it in the store anymore.
My mother was killed by an aneurism
in the kitchen,
as opposed to a
gunman in an alley.
So if you were hoping for any...
I will avenge you, mother!
...You're outta luck.
In the eighteen months
since my mother died,
the only epiphany I had was realizing that,
life just goes on.
Did they change the bee's face?
No
How come nobody's ever tried to be
a superhero?
well, I dunno. Probably
'cause it's fucking impossible, dip-shit.
What, putting on a mask and helping
people? How is that impossible?
That's not a superhero, though. It has to have Super
Super is like, being stronger than everybody and flying and shit.
That's just hero.
No, It's not even hero, its just fuckin'
psycho.
Hello? Bruce Wayne?
He didn't have any powers.
Yes, but he had all expensive shit
that doesn't exist.
I thought you meant, like how come
no one does it in real life.
Yeah, Todd, that's what I meant.
Dude if anybody did it in real life
they'd get their ass kicked.
They'd be dead in like, a day.
... A day.
O.K., I'm not saying they should do it.
I just cant figure out why nobody
does.
Seriously, out of all the millions of people who love superheroes
you'd think
one would give it a try.
Jesus, guys. Doesn't it bug you?
Why do thousands of people wanna be Paris
Hilton, and nobody wants to be Spider-Man?
Yeah, what's with that? She has,
like, no tits at all.
Maybe it's the porn tape.
He doesn't have a porn tape.
You guys never saw One Night in
Spider-Man?
Guess who?
Is it just me, or do you feel kinda
sorry for Chris D'Amico?
Yeah, must be terrible to have a
rich dad and everything you want.
I wish you hadn't said anything. 'Cause I feel like I'm gonna start crying.
No, the fact that he's..
..always on his own.
We should, like, talk to him.
See if he wants to hang with us.
...I'm not saying that we should talk to him, but
Think about it. C'mon itd be awesome! If he was
our friend, no one would ever fuck with us again!
Go on then, Todd.
You know. I, I can get up. -
No, no -
You wanna go talk to him? -
Nuh-uh. Dave should go.
Dave should go.
Why? Dave you should totally go. Go.
You're a dick.
Don't be afraid Dave
You're a pussy
Fuck off.
Wanna go over there? -
Yeah -...
You think I just shat my pants or what?...
Sea ya.
Yeah I would just klick his ass ??
When did you ever kick anyone's ass?
Whatever, man I would've just gone for his knees...
You are not making sense.
What I'm saying is that in the Joker portion when he got in "Evaran" when he vowed to penetrate
the Joker's force field leaving him totally vulnerable
Pussy Patrol!
Phones. Money.
Dude, not again
Come on
Phone. I don't have one!
Somebody else jacked it last week!
Pussy
Gimme the bag
Its just comics.
Yo! You wanna get cut?
Look at this asshole, just watching
Come on, be honest with yourself
would you do anything differently
We see someone in trouble
and we wish we can help
But we don't
The world I lived in,
heroes only exist in comic books
But I guess that would have been OK, if bad guys were make believe too.
But they are not
Frankie. I'm telling you man. I swear I'm not making this up.
This fucking guy... Comes outta nowhere
kicks our asses and steals all the coke
This would be the guy that looks
like Batman.
I didn't say he looked like Batman.
You did Tre. You said the the guy looked like Batman
And you said like a mask and
stuff and a cape? Yeah like Batman.
I didn't say like Batman -
I never said Batman-
OK
Let me tell you the problem I
got with that, Tre.
Our mole with the
Russians tells things a little different.
according to him, you've sold him my coke
and you took the money
That's a fucking lie!
I can't believe that you would believe this shit from
a fucking Russian, man.
Let me see, Tre. Hey, what's more likely?
That you're a greedy little cocksucker,
Or that all my coke was stolen by Superman?
Batman.
I never said Batman!
Enough
My son is waitin' out there in the car
to go to the movies.
And I aint gonna to disappoint him
Joe, you're in charge
Thanks
- That's gotta be the worst fuckin' excuse I ever heard, Tre.
(Screaming)
Sorry you had to wait, buddy.
The movie is starting in 10 minutes
It's O.K. We're cool.
We're only gonna miss the trailers.
Yeah, but I wanted to,
get some popcorn.
When we get in there, get Chris some
popcorn.
Okay?
What do you wanna drink, wanna Pepsi?
Yeah, that's fine
Get him a Pepsi
and I'll have an Icee.
Mixed
Like, when they mix the red one and the blue one?
(gun shot in background)
And a pack of Twizzlers.
The comic-books had it wrong.
It didn't take a trauma, or cosmic
rays or a power ring to make a superhero.
...Just the perfect combination of
optimism and naivety.
You are fucking awesome.
C'mon
Daddy? I'm scared.
C'mon Mindy, honey.
Be a big girl now.
There's nothin' to be afraid of.
Is it gonna hurt bad?
Oh, child. Only for a second, sugar.
A handgun bullet travels at... more than?
So at close range like this, the force is gonna take
you off your feet, for sure.
But it's really no more painful than a punch in the chest.
I hate getting punched in the
chest.
You're gonna be fine, baby doll.
How was that?
Not so bad.
Kinda fun, huh?
Now you know how it feels,
you won't be scared when some junkie
asshole pulls a Glock.
I wouldn't have been scared anyways.
That's my girl!
Alright. Up you get.
Two more rounds, and then home.
Again?
Uh-huh.
Look, only if we can go by the bowling alley
on the way back.
The bowling alley?
Yep
And icecream after
Hmm
Okay
Two more rounds,
no wincing, no whining and you got yourself a
deal, young lady.
I'm gonna get Hot fudge sundae.
Good call, baby doll!
So you gonna tell a little more about what you might
want
for your birthday?
Can I get a puppy?
Do you want to get a dog?
Yeah. A cuddly fluffy one.
and a Bratz Moviestar Makeover Sasha.
I'm just fucking with you daddy!
Look.
I'd love a Benchmade model-42 butterfly knife.
Oh child. You always knock me for a loop.
You know what?
We gonna get you two
Two?
One ... ?? Two ... ??
That's what you get.
I'll be honest,
there wasn't a whole lotta crime
fighting in those first few weeks.
But even so, my new vocation kept
me plenty busy.
I called it preparation.
But if you called it fantasizing,
it woulda been hard to argue.
All I knew was I never felt so good about myself.
Fuck!
Okay, maybe I was still in the beta testing
phase.
But it was a start.
What the fuck are you looking at?
Nothing
Get the fuck out of here
Like every serial killer already knew, eventually
fantasizing just doesnt do it for you anymore.
It was time to engage
What the fuck?
What the fuck are you looking at?
I said what the fuck are you looking at?
Two cheapshit losers screwing with a car that
somebody probably worked their ass off to pay for.
Say what?
Leave it be man.
This Motherfucker is obviously high.
I'm not high.
I just think it sucks you guys think you can do
what you want.
Just walk away from the car,
and we can just forget about this.
You crazy, man!
Fuck this shit!
Shit! Get outta here!
I came out just long enough to beg the medics not to tell
anybody about the costume
He promised he wouldn't
All I knew was that my dad was gonna kill me.
Why can't I have a gun?
I am a security guard
You're a doorman, now. You don't get a gun no more.
Look at me. I look like a putz.
You look sharp. Look at all them buttons
Do your job. Open the fucking door
Have a nice day
Good Morning Frank
Hey Joe. How ya doin'?
Great -
want some coffee? -
Maybe later
Good morning Angie
Chris -
Good Morning Joe -
Frank we got a thing
It's a big thing Frank
OK
Sorry then
do what you gotta do
Chris, where you think you're going?
I gotta talk to dad.
Christopher
Frank Honey
Where do you think you're going?
I don't mind you talking business. Dad
I was just gonna sit in there quietly. I mean I should probably
start learning and stuff, anyway, right?.
Go finish your oatmeal
Goddamit! I'm gonna be 18 in eight months for
christ sakes.
Take a seat
So, what's the problem?
Our Russian says Tre just sold them
another 5 K's, at half price.
Which Tre? Tre Tre?
Right. Dead Tre.
So now I'm getting fucked in the
ass by a ghost.
Or Tre was telling the truth.
What so this is my choice? I have to
believe in ghosts or superheroes?
Not the part about the superhero, Franky. Just
that he mighta really been gaffled by somebody.
I think we better invited our
Russian over for a friendly chat.
See what's really going on.
Hey, early birdy
You beat me to it.
I wanted to get you breakfast this morning
Happy birthday, sweetheart
check this out
Oh! Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Oh my God
Dad
Wow
Wow, dad
Ok, pop quiz
What's the proper name for one of those?
Isabelle It's... uh... Filippino. Ask me another one.
Excellent, good.
The AR 15 was a lighter, smaller caliber version
of what design?
Eugene 7 AR-10
Give me a hard one.
Name John Woo's first full length feature.
Chi bi xia: Jue zhan tian xia
Daddy look
Hey, come on, you're not looking
the point is some fucker's killing our guys
If you find out who that is I don't wanna see
any of you bitches sitting on your asses all right!
What the fuck you...?
Hello
Hey Joe, yeah
No, I was just training right now
one second
Dad... phone.
Dad, the phone's for you
Who is it?
it's Joe
what's the problem? -
Yeah, Frank turns out, man's got the vice here no more.
Really -
aha -
But we do got a brand new industrial microwave they use her for treating the lumber.
So where is it?
I think you must be confusing me with someone who gives a shit about the fucking lumber
Well, you're right, I'm sorry, -
Just get the information -
Alright come on, go ahead
Hey look the guy told me he killed Fernandez
What I know? -
Shut up -
Jesus Fernandez is dead.
Now, shut up
He lied, so...
This works like a regular microwave, or what?
Fuck do I know? We're not making a fucking Hungry Man dinner here, just turn it on!
Here we go
O.K. I want to know who sold you our coke?
And don't tell me somebody
who's dead, this time
I said...
Who
Sold
You
Our... coke?
Shit
This is awesome
I look like freakin' Wolverine.
They still have that metal detector
at your school?
Yeah, It's gonna have a meltdown!
Dave, I need to ask you something.
OK
The police report...
They found you naked. You said you didn't remember why.
The muggers... they didn't...?
What?
No
Jesus! No!
I wasn't even...
In the ambulance, they threw
my clothes away!
Cause of the blood.
Right
Seem like no time at all ...? back on my feet
Dave, What? -
Shhhs.
Apart from the messed up nerve ending.
The doctors had managed to fix me up pretty good.
Did you feel that?
No
You're like fucking Jason Bourne or
something! That owns!
How about that?
No. Marty,
give it a fuckin' rest,
man.
I've only been back, like, half a day and
already youre making fun of me at the hospital.
He's right
I'm sorry
You're acting totally childish
Hey
Dave Hey
Oh, hey
How are you?
You look better
I'm OK
Yeah, much better
Hey, youre into comic books, arent
you?
Well... me and Erika sometimes hang out
after school at this really great store,
Atomic Comics. They make the best like Crack-a-back-a-latte.
Yeah...?
Well... I could buy you one... sometime if
you want? If you, like, need someone to talk to?
sure, thank you
Ok. Sweet. Well I'll
see you later
Man, did you just see that?!
Yeah -
Katie Deauxma just offered to buy me coffee
Yeah.. I really don't think that's the way it looks like
What are you talking about?
The point is, Katie Deauxma is all
about the lame ducks.
What's that got to do with me?
I've been trying to figure out how to tell you this
There's a rumor going around, right...
that you... what? are gay
Gay!
What kind of rumor is that?
Well you know, getting mugged...
You guys have been mugged!
Yeah, I know... but... you know..
we didn't get beat up and have all our clothes taken off.
That's not even true! The medics
threw my clothes away!
Don't worry about it. Rumors don't mean shit.
We know the truth
Right? -
Yes -
Yeah. And who knows, it might even
get you laid.
Not if she thinks he's gay, Todd,
you fuckin' retard!
Thanks a lot, Marty.
You aint fucking helping me-
I'm just being honest
I was getting back to my old self
I should have quit, of course.
But you can't just re-program
yourself
what you want, who you
are... your purpose in life.
oh no... I'm just stand around here
It is what it is.
You didn't see that did ya?
I think it's best that you just walk away
Well maybe you shouldn't do that.
What?
Huh?
You looking at me?
Well this is my baby.
Me?
My hardware was fixed now.
I was back and running Kick-ass
version 2.0
Excuse me, did you see this cat?
No
Okay, thank you
Excuse me, Madam, Have you seen this cat?
I'm sorry, did you see this cat?
Oh, great
Here kitty
Here Mr. Bitey
Come on, no, no
No, no, Mr. Bitey Come on
Back here. C'mon. Let's get you home
Come on
Fuck you Mr. Bitey!
Oh God... I'm so sorry, man
You're fucking Green...!
Hey freak...
Hey, leave him alone
Fuck off me
It's none of your business.
Guess it is.
Hey, Call 911
There's a dude dressed like a superhero out there fighting a bunch of guys.
It's Fucking awesome!
Leave him alone
Give it up man.
Just walk away
No, never
What the fuck is wrong with you, man?
You'd rather die for some piece of shit?
That you don't even fucking know?
You're just three asholes laying into one guy while everyone else watches.
And you wanna know what's wrong with me?
Yeah, I'd rather die.
You bring it on!
(Police sirens in background)
You're fucking crazy kid
What?
Thank you!
That fucking rocks!
Who are you?
I'm Kick Ass
Dude you gotta check this shit out.
what is it?
And coming up after the hour: a costumed vigilante has become the latest Internet phenomenon after a
Hamilton Park resident filmed the man's remarkable intervention in a gang-related attack last week...
This is awesome
Fuck Yeah.
Welcome to this special edition
of Eye on New York
How far would you go to help your fellow man?
This colorful individual has been all over the news this week
After this video of his intervention of street gang violence
became the most watched clip on the Internet
My Space... 38 friends
Kick-Ass' My Space... 16000 and counting.
This thing was going crazy
And I was loving it
And finally, we want to know who is this man
Does anyone have any
idea who this wet suit Crusader is?
He must be someone's son... Someone's
brother... Someone's next door neighbor...
Holy shit. What happened?
what happened?
This guy happened.
That's a great day for America everybody
Everbody's favorite superhero right now is Kick-Ass, right?
Kick-Ass!
Yeeaah!
I like Kick-Ass
His costume is crappy
He looks like a trans...
You know what? Everyone likes Kick-Ass
He...is actually pretty good.?
Good at getting his Ass-Kicked.
He should call himself Ass-Kick, instead
That doesn't even make any sense.
That guy's gonna end up dead that's what I think.
Are you serious? The guy owns.
I'd be next if I had a problem needed fixing.
What you kidding me? I have 100 guys can fix a problem.
You gotta some guy in some panty-hose?
Well, I wouldn't wanna get in the way of your business...
where I'm not wanted.
Please, I know you are mistaking me for Kick-Ass, but I am not Kick-Ass.
You don't actually read comics?
Yeah, I just started. I got recommended some.
Like Scott Pilgrim and...?
That kind of thing.
I'm not really into the whole superheroes thing, you know.
So... guess you're not gonna be lining up for
that new Kick-Ass comic, then.
I guess not.
You know what, I was seriously thinking of mailing his site?
I mean I could really use some help from a guy like that right now.
Help? Really? What with?
You know I volunteer at the
needle exchange?
No, I didnt.
Well, there's this one guy,
Rasul. And I just felt so sorry for him and...
more I found out about his up bringing and stuff I just...
Wow, that's weird
I'm usually the one playing therapist.
Can I make a confession?
Ever since I was little
I've always wanted a
friend...
...like... you.
Is it okay to say that?
I mean its no homophobic, is it?
I mean I don't think you're all the
same, right?
Of course not. No.
Thank you
I don't know if I was everything Katie had
always dreamed her gay b. f. f. would be.
But I tried my best.
But, more importantly, I
talked her into e-mailing Kick-Ass.
Long story short,
this particular lame duck of hers
turned out to be more of a lame cobra.
She didnt want the money back that she'd given
him, or an apology for the black eye he'd given her.
She just wanted him to get that they
were through,
and leave her alone.
lets be real
no other request could've given
me more pleasure.
Who the fuck you're supposed to be?
The Greeen Condom?
You know it ain't Halloween for another few
months, kid.
I'm here to see Rasul
Who the fuck are you?
I am K... I'm a friend of Katie's
Kids nowadays...?
So Uhh... which one of you guys is Rasul?
I am Rasul. Can't you tell by my big tittys?
What is this? Trick or treat or somethin'?
fuck
And now I am dead
I have a message for Rasul.
About Katie Deauxma.
Katie?
Oh you're Rasul?
Ok.
You've gotta stay
away from Katie now.
It's over.
So if you just leave her alone
everything will be fine
What?
Yo Kid...
Who the hell are you?
What is this?
I'm Kick-Ass.
Look me up.
And this is me giving you a message:
leave Katie alone!
Or what?
Or
I'll come back
and break your fucking legs.
I'm right here now, baby
hold him
You're so fuckin' dead
Ok, you cunts
Let see what you can do now.
Eany... Meany... Miney... Mo
What the fuck?
Hey, I have one of those
Come on
So you wanna play
What the fuck?
Aww dude, that is one fuckin' gay fuckin'
taser.
Relax. We're on the same team.
Hey get Up
Now, Hit Girl, we always keep our backs where?
To the wall, Daddy I know.
Um... it won't happen again
Nice shot by the way
Thank you
Be careful.
Hey, Green asshole. Can't use the front door now.
Wait, wait, wait!
What?
Who are you?
Me?
I'm "Hit Girl"
and that's " Big Daddy"
Come on
Come on!
"Hit Girl" and
"Big Daddy"
They were real deal.
Me
I was just a
stupid dick in a wetsuit.
What is this, What am I lookin' at here?
It was Sal's phone. They found it in his hand.
They must have taken that right before he died
I know this sounds fucked up, Franky... but that guy in the
picture... I think it's that superhero nut job from the TV.
Who?
Kick-Ass?
One guy?
Hold on. You telling me one guy killed 8 of my men tonight?
Eight at Sal's place... 4 at that kid, Rasul's.
We have no mercenaries on the streets at all.
Right.
Made to understand?
One Guy
You think?
Nah if you're right, we're gonna look like the biggest bunch of pussies in New York
What do you want me to do?
I want Kick-Ass' fuckin' head on a stick. And I want it now.
I didn't say anything, to anyone, I
swear!
Good move. Ass, Kick.
Let's keep it that way.
You know what this is?
All the cartridge crap that comes outta
your gay little taser when you fire it.
Do you know the police could've traced it
right back to you if they'd found it?
Lucky for you, I
picked it up.
Thank you.
Let's call it insurance.
Makes it easier for me to take your word.
See, we like you. But we don't trust you.
Don't take it personal though. We
don't trust anybody.
I re-routed your IP address. Finding you was way too easy.
Aw Shit. Shit
I hadn't thought - My God, I...
I owe you
You know what? I'm thinking of
shutting my site down anyway,
quitting. This is... fucking insane.
I'm in way over my head.
It's a shame. You have potential.
Your call, son. But, y'know, were
around if you need us.
How do I get hold of you?
Just contact the mayor's office. He has
a special signal he shines in the sky?
It's in the shape of a giant cock.
You need us, put on your web site that
you're on vacation.
We'll find you.
Hit Girl, back to headquarters
Sweet dreams.
I need you to get rid of Kick-Ass.
What's up?
What's up?
Kick-Ass is killing my men, Gigante, that's
what's up
My condolences.
But I'm afraid I can't help you out on this one.
He's movin' outside my jurisdiction.
Outside your jurisdiction?
You're a fucking cop and he's breaking the law! That's so inside
your jurisdiction it's ball-deep in your jurisdiction's ass!
The boss pays me to nail the
bad guys. You pay me not to.
Everything else is in the grey area.
Yeah, Fuck you very much, Vic. Just do
it, okay?
Un-fuckin'believable
where is Cody?
He's late
Thank you, Cody. We appreciate
your cooperation.
Let me out now?
I gave you all them names and
address.
Hey, I won't say nothing to nobody. You and you're crazy bitch friend can go back to where ever you once
...Hey c'mon now... that's a very bad thing you're doing now..
Really nasty individuals...
Let me go, Hey...
Do not do this
Come on!
please.. hey.. stop!
stop, please!
(Screaming)
What a douche.
You've done a self tan before, right?
Yeah, I do it all the time.
Murder. Superheroes breaking into my bedroom.
My life was turning into some fucked up dream I couldn't wake up from
Even with the good parts, were totally surreal
Oh hey, I read those old Ditko Spider-Mans
you gave me? They're actually pretty good.
Yeah, they are.
And it's been a whole week since I've heard from Rasul.
That's great.
Once upon a time, there were two super cops called
Daddy and Marcus...
who were very good at getting bad guys
Frank Damico was the baddest guy of them all
and he came up with a plan to get rid of Daddy.
Being framed as drug dealer was the worst possible thing
that could have happened to Daddy.
Prison was not his natural habitat
He was very upset.
With Daddy in prison
His pregnant wife was all alone.
And could not cope.
But all clouds have a silver lining.
And out of her death..
Mindy was born
Marcus became the child's guardian
And Daddy started a plan of his very own.
Five years later he left prison
And he was ready
Now it's time for Mindy to get ready too.
How'd you find me Marcus?
One of us is still a cop, remember?
Now you brain-washed Mindy?
You say brain-washed
I say made it into a game.
What you call this? Playing, Damon?
Vigilante justice. Mass murder. C'mon, partner.
So where is she?
She's safe -
Can I see her? -
I miss her,
I miss you both.
I appreciate your concern.
But you need to go now.
I should warn you that asshole,
Gigante, is looking for Kick-Ass.
He got something to do with you Damon?
You started some kinda fucked-up
superhero club?
Never heard of him
Ok, well heads up, alright?
You keep carrying on like you've been carrying on and it's
only a matter of time before Gigante's looking for you.
He's been on Frank D'Amicos payroll ever since you
passed up the opportunity,
You know I'm not gonna stop.
Not 'til D'Amico and his whole damn
operation are burnt to ashes.
And buried.
It ain't gonna bring her back, Damon.
This is not the life for Mindy,
You owe that kid a childhood.
I'll tell you who owes her a
childhood:
Frank D'Amico
Holy shit
I don't fuckin' believe it.
Follow him. Around the corner.
Not too fast
He's doing the high fives.
I'll give 'em a motherfuckin' high five.
High five and bullshit
Keep going, keep going.
Not too close
He's going into the alley
He's going to the alley
Okay, when I tell you stop the car.
Ready?
Hey Kick-Ass
How ya doin'?
Kill my men, huh?!
Take my fucking coke?!
What are you doing?
Let us go, come on
Come on, Frank, he had enough,
Come on.
What the fuck are you looking at? Huh?
Come on, let's go
Come on
He was so young
Who would get to die that way?
I just can't believe he's dead that's all
Oh, I know.
Listen Katie,
guys like Rasul... They get mixed up in
stuff, and...
I know, but what if it was my
fault?
What if Kick-Ass did it?
I mean I feel like should call cops or something
you're talking crazy!
there's no way! He probably
didn't even read your e-mail yet.
Yeah? -
There's nothing to worry about -
I'm so glad you're here
I look like such a mess
You look Okay.
I'm here
Yeah I'm Okay.
I hope it's Okay to say this, but
It so sucks
that you're gay.
I don't fuckin' believe this
What kind of children's enterfuckingtainer is that? Huh?
What kind of kid has a Spider-Man party? Sure.
But a fuckin' Kick-Ass Party?
What are they're selling paper plates and napkins down at the store, now?
Frank, You're scarin' me
You're losin' it.
Since when did you start getting your hands dirty again, huh? And in public.
Since when I asked you Fucks to deliver me Kick-Ass and you don't deliver that's when.
Hey give me a break it's been a week.
We e-mailed him. We got half the crew doing petty crimes as bait
We're bustin' our asses here.
What hell are you doing?
You back on the Powder now, as well?
(In child-like voice) Mommy, I want
Kick-Ass party. Dumb little fuck.
I know a way you could get him.
Aww shit. Chris
How long you been there?
What the hell you doin'?
Get the hell out!
You wanna hear it or not?
Hear what?
Okay, look: you're a superhero and you're lonely but you can't
trust anyone because either they'll expose your secret identity...
Comic books, this kids reads, all
fucking day long.
The point is, there's only one way a
superhero would trust a stranger and...
I could be that stranger.
You just gotta give me a chance.
I know I can do
it. I just need a few things.
Like what?
I need these things.
What, you fucking kidding me?
What the hell is this?
It's everything I need.
And you might have to screw somebody over
Like, Louie, or somebody.
Louie?! Oh whoa, hey, Chris
Or somebody, it doesn't have to be Louie.
- Tony
- Tony
Tony?
I hate Tony -
Hey, fuck Tony he's a scum bag -
I swear, dad. If
you let me do this, it's gonna work.
Tony
Tony Romita, one of America's most wanted crime king-pins
was arrested in Queens today.
after a 911 cal from someone claiming to be a superhero
So how are things going with Katie?
Oh, just peachy. Had a sleep over and spent the whole night
watching the entire Ugly Betty box set
and did pedicures.
I'm telling you, though the longer you
wait, the worse it's gonna get.
I know.
I was gonna tell her.
She just seems so happy.
I don't know whens the right time.
Well, now's your chance.
Hey guys
Hi
Oh, did you watch the TV?
The new superhero guy? How cool was that?
What?
Hey look. Can you turn it up please?
Check this out.
But it seems that far from being put-off,
this individual, who calls himself Red Mist,
has decided to take crime fighting to a new level,
as his actions last night proved.
Red Mist, how do you see it?
Well, I guess folks have just had enough of living in
fear, you know, and uh... Kick-Ass really proved that one individual can make a difference.
So, If anyone out there needs help, I'll be fighting
crime 25/8.
And I'm just one click away.
RedMist. org.
Can you turn that off now?
What's so special about that guy?
He caught, like, a drug dealer
Some most-wanted guy
He saw 'em bringing out, like, a ton of stuff,
- That's Pretty cool.
Yeah. way better costume than Kickass, too.
He's gotta cape-
Yeah -
Capes rock-
Yeah -
I'm kinda feelin' the cape. Looks good.
What, better than Kick-Ass?
I mean they're both kinda hot I just think that
Red Mist has a better body.
Don't you think, Dave?
Yeah Dave what do you think? Is that the kind
of guy you'd go for? With all that leather?
No, not me.
No, he's not really my type
Kick Ass
Red Mist
Oh shit
Fuck me, that kinda hurt.
You OK?
Yeah, no I'm cool
I can't believe you're here, man.
like youre my hero.
You... inspired me. No Kick-Ass, no
Red Mist.
Seriously.
Wow.
Really?
Straight up. And listen if you.. I dunno know...
if you wanted me to be your sidekick or something like that...
You wanna be... my sidekick?
Yeah, man
you and me together, we would own. You wanna go fight some crime?
Oh... I mean like right now?
Yeah man, come on, I got something I wanna show you
Uh.. I mean like... to be honest with you,
I never fight crime between, like
nine and two on weekdays,
so I really
need to get back pretty soon.
Sweet!
This yours?
Meet the Mistmobile.
Set-nav. Got my iPhone so I can check the website
for emergencies while I'm driving around.
Movin' up.
Mood lighting right there
Rear view camera, no big deal.
Check this. You're gonna fuckin' love this.
The Mist.
(Cheering)
Hey!-
Yep. That's right. You wish you could be us. They love us.
Smoke?
Nuh-uh.
Ya know.
A little "Weed" takes the edge off things when I'm patrol.. ya know.
Runnin' up against a crowd can
get kinda scary, dont you thimk?
Something wrong?
You're so not how I expected
Oh, I got e-mail from this chick, she said
this guy's been following her home from work.
I've got her address
and stuff. You wanna check it out?
Sure, why not?
Cool
So this chick was totally naked, right?
So I tell her to sit in my lap and talk about the first thing that comes up.
(Chuckling)
Yep.
Let's get the tag? he's on his way.
Very good.
Don't kill him 'til I get there.
Right
Looks like reading all them comics
paid off, huh?
Your boy did good, Frankie.
This is father's son.
(C'mon now... who do you.. who do you.. who do you.. who do you think you are?... ha, ha, ha.. bless your soul)
I forget
(I think your crazy... I think your crazy... I think your crazy... just like you)
What... the... fuck?
shit
Hey! What are you doing?
There are people in there!
Shall we call the Fire...
Shit!
Mike!
Mikey
Shit!
Red Mist!
Hey, can you hear me?!
Red Mist!
We've got to get the fuck outta here!
We gotta get the hell out of here!
Just move your fucking ass!
Shit!
Did you see those bodies?
Yeah, man.
Why'd you save the teddy?
What?
I don't know, man. Come on.
come
What the hell are you doin' Frank?
You know I can't be here. What if somebody saw...
That little motherfucker, Kick-Ass, burned down my warehouse and killed my men, Gigante.
Whoa... wait,wait, slow down. Kick-Ass?
You sure? -
You gotta help me, Vic -
My son was there and he's still missing
They're all dead! Everbody in the warehouse is dead!
Put the gun down, Vic, it's
Chris!
Chris is Red Mist?!
It's not Red Mist you gotta worry
about, it's Kickass!
No it's not. Kick-Ass is just some geek!
You don't have to worry about him
You need to watch this!
Why? What does it do?
You're fucking kidding me
What? -
Goddamit, just sit down -
What are you doing?
What the hell is that thing?
You bought this to spy on the nanny
when I was a kid, don't you remember?
Why? You put it in the warehouse?
Yeah. I thought it'd be cool to put the
unmasking of Kick-Ass on the Internet, okay?
Watch.
"Let's get the tag? he's on his way"
Who the hell is this guy?
I don't know, Dad
But, Kick-Ass told me we're not the only super heroes in town.
Maybe he knows who this guy is.
I want this place locked down.
Nobody comes in, nobody goes out
Not until somebody finds this cocksucker
and blows his fuckin' lungs out through his chest.
Listen. They're on to you.
Do you hear me? They're on to you
I thought they were looking for
Kick-Ass?
Not anymore. Gigante just put on a little movie
show for us. Different Superhero.
In a warehouse killing a whole
bunch of D'Amico's guys.
I'm gonna take a wild guess that was you?
- I killed all the cameras.
- Apparently not.
Look bro, you need to get ghost. Hide yourself
quick.
Appreciate it.
Mindy
No more homework, baby doll
It's time
for Frank D'Amico to go bye-bye.
X- Men, Fantastic 4
Right now I can't beat the crap out of them.
Everything was out of control
I didn't know what the hell to do
You OK, buddy?
You look tired
Gonna have an early night tonight, maybe?
And there was no one I could talk to about it
Hello
Yeah... I will.
I never felt more alone
I've always dreamed of being a super hero
But this... was a nightmare
It was time to stop wearing this stupid costume
But there was one last thing I needed it for
What's the difference between Spider-Man and Peter Parker?
Spider-Man gets the girl
(Faintly from noise of blowdryer)
Hey-I'm Kick-Ass!
I'm Kick Ass
You e-mailed me.
(Screams)
Please...
(Screams in pain)
Oh... Fuck!
Oh Fuck!
Fuckin' freak in a mask-fuck!
Get out of my house
I'm not gonna
hurt you, alright!
No, no, it's me
I was only trying to surprise you
- Dave?!
Sorry -
What the fuck are you doing?!
Why are you dressed as Kick-Ass?
Because I am Kick-Ass.
What are you talking about?
And I'm also not gay.
Fuck!
And I know I've been an idiot,
and a shit friend, I lied to you, I know
Oh my God! -
I know and if it makes you feel any better, I
don't think you could hate me any more right now
I hate myself.
Please I'm...
Look, I'm really really sorry
I've never met anybody who was as
beautiful and as kind,
and... lovely as you.
You deserve better.
Dave
Yes
My mom has the burglar alarm set downstairs.
You should probably use the window.
Or
You could just stay.
stay?
Like when we have a sleepover?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you
We gotta get over the top of it and then into it right in the middle of her.
Daddy, I think I found one.
It's perfect. And they can deliver it in
three days...
And it's three
hundred thousand dollars.
Can you think of anything else
you'd rather spend it on? Oh my Gosh
that is cool!
Yeah.
Add to shopping cart
OK
Out of Kickass and Red Mist, who do
you think would win in a fight?
Why are they fighting?
That seems stupid
What do you think?
I don't know. But I think Kick-Ass is
cuter.
Really?
I, for one, would definitely fuck his
brains out if I got the chance.
You would?
Definitely.
Do you... uh, feel like checking out
that new Kate Hudson movie where...
she's like a shoe designer kind of guy?
I think we can make the next
showing if we leave...
Hell yeah.
I guess we're not invited
Alright.. you know what, come here
I'm going to request a great meal for you right now
Suddenly, I understood why super heroes only exist in the comics
I doubt why people didn't risk their life for strangers
because, for the first time in my life
I had something to worth living for
Something to lose
Katie was worried about me getting
hurt,
so I promised her my Kick-Ass
days were over.
And the truth was,
I hardly missed it at all.
I hadn't even checked
the web site for, like, a week.
Ok... I'm off then.
No Katie tonight?
Tomorrow. Wednesdays she does one
of her volunteer things.
You seem like a different guy, you
know that?
Your mom would've been so happy to
see you out of your shell like this.
Have a good night
Hey, baby -
Hi, what's going on? -
I gotta do that Kick-Ass thing
What?
I thought you were done with that?
This is the last time. I totally
swear...
I worry about you
I wish you wouldnt worry.
I can't help it. I do. Because I...
I... care about you a lot.
I... care about you a lot, too.
This better be serious, Dude, because
I promised my girlfriend that I'm done with all this shit.
How about both of us being dead?
Is that serious enough for you?
Dead?
How?
Well it turns out those dead guys from the warehouse had some bad motherfuckers for friends
and they think we did that shit.
There's a price on our heads, man.
A price on our heads? What is this,
the wild west?
They found out where I lived! They trashed my placed!
I'm fucking screwed! And you're gonna be next, Okay?!
Shit
What do we do?
Remember you mentioned that there were other super heroes
Yeah.
Well, do you think they can help us?
Hot chocolate, extra Marsh-mellows.
Oah. That looks even cooler than in the picture
Child
You know because in the picture
it didn't have Gatling guns
Nice job.
I'm gonna take my new bed, Okay?
Okay, baby doll.
Sleep tight -
Thanks
Oh, Kick-Ass?
Mmh
You go get dressed I'I tell him to meet us at safehouse B
We'll have our hot-chocolate when we get back.
Okay daddy.
C'mon.
Here we go.
Do you know where that is?
No. But I'll just put it in the GPS.
Alright, let's go
Shit
Well
Here you are, and Red Mist, too.
Pleasure to meet you.
Good to meet you sir.
Please, come in
After you
Hit Girl, manners.. honey.
Hi, I'm Hit Girl
No!
Hey he's with me, he's O.K.!
Shut the fuck up, kid!
Your daddy's the boss! You don't order shit!
Are you shitting me? Shit! No!...
He's with me!...
Let him go!...
Get outta here, get the fuck outta here
Hotdamn, I always wanted one of these...
Seriously you're gonna take that?
Yes.
You know what being a super hero actually costs?
You happen to be in a lot of trouble here.
Kick-Ass!-
Get em outta here!-
Kick Ass I'm sorry
Get in there
You better fire this asshole!
Ignore him.
A Bazooka?
OK
We had a deal, dad. We had a fucking deal
that would get you the guy who did it.
All I'm asking is you let Kick-Ass go! He didn't do
anything wrong!
Chris, you gotta look at this from my point of view.
Okay?
I gotta send a public service
message to the people out there
that being a superhero is
bad for your health.
And the big motherfucker? Nobody knows who he is.
Yeah, but that's not fair!
Life's not fair, kid. Get over it.
What are you gonna do with them?
You really want to be a part of my business?
Yeah.
Then sit down, shut up
and watch.
Frank, we're ready
Enjoy the show
You patched-up with this thing?
I sure am big brother.
Watch and learn
Welcome back to breaking news a world wide web broadcast of the
New York superhero who calls himself Kick-Ass.
is about to be shown live. Rumors have it that this will be Kick-Ass'
farewell appearance that he will announce his retirement from crime fighting
but as word-of-mouth continues to spread, internet providers are predicting
that it could be one of the most widely viewed live events in web history.
Hey, where's Dave?
Hey have you guys noticed -
He's with Katie...
obviously.
Why else would I be here?
With no idea as to who is behind the broadcast of this show
But we could see wide spread server crashes
Dave, why didn't you tell this is what you were doing.
You're on the news.
Call me
We go now over live to the countdown clock as we are moments away.
Showtime
Hello boys and girls, now this... uh...
well you know who this guy is.
And... uh... this guy here is Big Daddy
And these are my friends.
Come on in guys say hello
Yeah.
Yeah there they are
Hello, Hello
Now Big Daddy and Kick-Ass
are gonna help us show you why
being a hero is a bad idea.
You know what a silent "K" is?
That's when "K" is at the beginning of the but you don't pronounce it
like in the word knuckle duster
Show them what knuckle duster can do, Guy.
Oh that must've hurt.
Let's see that again on the other side, go.
Oh Yeah, look at this
Now in France they say the word stick like this...
Ba-ton
We have some of Kick-Ass' batons.
We're gonna show you what they can do.
Go ahead boys.
In America we say stick like this...
Baseball Bat
For hittin' knees..
hands...
It's also good for hittin' balls.
We don't do 'em individually, we do 'em all together.
Gentlemen please. Yeah.
Oh this looks very painful...
Due to the distressing nature of the images we are unable to
broadcast the events currently streaming live on the Internet
No No
Misguided miscalculations suggest that this may be some kind of hoax or publicity
stunt. It is now clear that the hostages are in genuine danger
That all signs point to the intentions to stage
a live execution in the next few minutes
Even with my metal plates and my
fucked up nerve endings,
I've gotta tell ya,
that hurt.
the silent killer
But not half as much as the idea of
leaving everything behind.
Katie
My dad.
Todd and Marty
And all the
things I'd never do.
Like learn to drive.
Or see what me and Katie's
kids would look like.
Or find out
what happened on Lost.
And if you're reassuring yourself
that I'm gonna make it through this since I'm talking to you now,
quit being such a smart ass.
Hell dude. You've never seen Sin City?
Sunset Boulevard? American Beauty?
And this,... for all you brave men out there...
is fire.
Fire, Fire's good
Fire is our friend
Gentlemen
Time to die.
What the...
Find me a lighter
I've got it
No!
Take cover, child!
Now switch to Kryptonite!
Eject, 2 rounds and relay!
Show's over mother-fuckers.
Yeah!
I think I'm in love with her, dude.
She looks like she's about 11 years old, but...
I can wait. I solemnly vow to save myself for her.
I can see that this can be really difficult for you.
Are you OK?
Yeah.
Whoa
Good job.
I'm so proud of you, baby doll
Are you OK?
Yes
Getting shot, daddy, hurt a lot more than when you did it.
That's because I used low-velocity rounds, child.
You're the kindest daddy in the whole world
I just...
I love you
I love you too, daddy
I love you, dad
good night
What's your name?
I mean, your real name
A super hero never reveals her true
identity.
What!? Look, you can't go on...
However you
lived before...
It's over.
Is there anybody else?
Any other family, or?
I can take care of myself.
I saved your sorry ass!
what about money?
Alright, cause you've got to think long-term
I've got three million dollars in a
suitcase!
That long-term
enough for ya?
It's not all about the money,
I owe you
If not for you, I'd be dead.
if it wasn't for you
my dad wouldnt be.
Look
pack up whatever you
need and we'll go back to my place.
I just need to clean up, I think?
Woah. I meant, like pajamas
and clothes and stuff. You can't take that stuff to my house.
You know what my dad would have really
wanted?
He would have wanted me to
finish what we started.
And that's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Is this Frank D'Amico's place?
All that security
Are you crazy?
My mom already died for nothing.
So, I'm sure as hell not gonna let my dad die for
nothing too.
You can't do this on your own.
Exactly
You wanna deal with owing
my dad?
Then shut the hell up and
pick your weapon.
Is that what I think it is?
Damn straight.
Oh you better start reading the instructions,
'cause you're gonna be using it in about five minutes.
Yo listen up, you've got 5 minutes and
I want you back on your post
and don't leave a mess
Everything okay?
Things alright, boss
Can't believe I got my gun back
Look at that
You know it's not that..
(Knocking)
Let her in
That's a little kid
What's the matter with you?
You okay, sweetheart?
No, I lost my mommy and daddy.
she lost her mommy and daddy
You wanna use my cell phone?
Now can you remember the number?
Had I ever been a real superhero?
The most I'd ever had to offer the world was good intentions
and a slightly elevated capacity to take a kicking.
With no power comes no
responsibility.
Except
that wasn't true.
shit
Hey I'm in here come help me out!
Wait, fuck this! And, everybody's dead!
She's behind the counter, she's out of ammo.
Do you think they got her?
If they didn't he will.
Get out there
Now?
Yeah, now
What the fuck is going on?
We got her trapped she's still alive
So what the hell you guys waiting for?
Go get her-
Go ahead-.
I ain't got no fucking gun. I'm not going in there.
Do it now
Come on
Fuck this shit.
I'm getting the Bazooka
Bazooka?
Bazooka
Whoa hold it. It's only me boss. Everything is under control.
Under control?
You're grabbing a fucking Bazooka you dumb ass.
Sir? -
Do it -
I always wanted to say this...
say Hello to my little friend
(Glory, Glory Halleluah song in background)
Holy shit
That is one weird sounding Bazooka
Stu!
Fuck!
Get out
Play time's over, kid.
I never play
Oh really?
Ruin my business, Huh?
I'll kill every single fucking guy or gal in my way
I wish my son was just like you.
It is time for family reunion
Hey
Why don't you pick on someone
your own size.
You Ok?
Yeah
Time to go home
Thanks, Kick-Ass.
My daddy...
He would have
been proud of both of us.
Dave
Dave Lizewski.
I know that, dumbass
Mindy
Mindy MacReady
Bye
Mindy moved in with Marcus
and he enrolled her at my school
Bye -
Good luck -
first school she'd ever been to
on the promise that I'd look out for her.
Hey
"Not that she needed me too".
Hey. New kid.
Hi
Lunch money.
Now.
(The screams of the two bully's getting their ass kicked)
Kick-Ass was gone,
but not forgotten.
And my world is much safer
with all the new superheroes.
They said I was their inspiration
But all I did was make a door into a world
I dreamed about, since I was little kid.
A world full of super heroes, huh?
like a great man once said...
Wait'll they get a load of me.