I was born a baby.
A blank slate.
Thinking I was in control
of my own destiny.
And then I met my father.
You better be good at this stuff.
In college, I wasn't
the most gifted athlete.
But in order to
please my dad,
I strived to be
the very best.
Oh. Little help,
already out of control.
I'm losing vision,
it's blackness.
You guys here, you might
want to move out of there,
I gotta let go of this thing.
Oh-oh.
Look out! For Pete's sake!
How far was that?
Foot and three inches.
Hope you boys are ready.
See you at the finish line.
There's a... There's
a rabid cheetah in Lane 2 here.
Runners take your mark.
Get set!
Hold on! Wait!
I got it, right
below the knee, the nub.
Oh, that hurts!
No, no, no, no.
Your day's over, Phil.
Yes, I was quite the athlete.
Oh.
So much so,
that I caught the eye
of the prettiest girl
in school.
Oh. Are you all right?
Yeah.
Sorry about that.
Yeah, it's no prob.
There's a horrible wind.
Uh, no, there isn't.
There is o-over there.
Dad? Hey, Dad!
Barbara said "yes. "
Hey, Son.
This is Janice.
I met her at the A&P.
Hi.
We're gonna get married.
Can I talk to you
alone?
Yeah.
Be right back.
Nice to meet you,
Barbara. Heard a lot about you.
It's nice to meet you.
She's great-looking. What you
talking about? She's terrific.
You're getting married?
Look, Phil, I'm
lonely. I'm a man.
It hasn't been easy for me
since your mom died.
She didn't die,
she divorced you.
Um, tomatoes, tomatoes.
You know.
Baby.
One year later, on the proudest day
of my life,
he was right there
by my side.
There he is,
your grandson, Sam.
Oh, by the way, he had a son
on the same day.
Take a gander
at your brother, Bucky.
Just a little bit bigger.
Welcome to my life.
Excuse me. Hey, y-you didn't
need to take up two spots.
Actually, I do. Look at the
size of this bad boy, huh?
This is cute though, huh? You're
saving the environment for all of us.
Go hemp!
Unbelievable.
Okay, boys. Okay.
Keep it down. Keep it simple.
Hey, honey.
Where've you been? It's
a tie game, it's almost over.
Oh, I-I-I'm sorry.
I... I just...
I got caught at work
and then I had to park
in the far parking lot.
Let's go, Gladiators!
Go, Bucky!
Hey, where's Sam?
He's on the bench.
Okay, Bucky, let's go!
You're kidding me.
No.
Go Bucky! Finish it off!
Finish it off!
Come on, Bucky!
Yay, Bucky! Bucky!
Bucky!
Okay, Bucky.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
That's my boy, Bucky!
Attaboy, Bucky!
Hey, big guy, how'd it go?
It went great.
Bench is nice and warm.
I'm gonna see what I can do
about that, okay?
We'll see you
back at the house, Dad.
You played great,
Son. You played great.
I'm proud of you.
Come on, buddy.
Hi, you guys.
Oh, Barb.
Hi.
Hey, look who's here. Two
of my favorite people, and Phil.
Very funny, Dad. Haven't
heard that one before.
Hey, Buck.
I see you got a new case
for the Pel ball.
That's my ball.
Get away from that. Don't... Don't
get any ideas. Don't even touch it.
And now... Watch this.
An important message
from the King.
Hi, I'm Buck Weston,
King of Sporting Goods.
You can save...
Me.
Big on all kinds of balls.
Basketballs, footballs,
hockey pucks, baseballs...
Those acting lessons
really paid off.
Yeah, I got four stores now, and
I'm opening a fifth next month
in your neck of the woods.
You sure you
don't want a job?
I got a job, Dad.
Oh, yeah, what?
Selling... Selling vitamins?
In fact, you need to take
more vitamins.
I take a vitamin every day,
it's called a steak.
Now look, I came up with
this myself, look at this.
I'm Buck Weston.
And he's got balls!
Pretty good, huh?
What do you think?
I think this is
your best commercial yet.
It was pretty good.
Gripping. Gripping.
Ditka.
Stay away from that, okay?
Here we go again.
Hey, Ditka!
Will you knock it off?
Hey, knock it off,
would you?
Hey, do that later,
would you, please?
I got company!
Doing my lawn.
Look, we're trying to have
a nice family gathering, all right?
I'm trying to get
my yard cleaned.
You're messing up my yard.
Let me... Let me ask you.
The world's gotta stop
'cause you got a family gathering?
I'm trying to do my lawn!
Yeah, but you put all your...
Guys...
Hey, stay out of this.
It's between us, okay?
Here, take some of this back,
'cause I don't want it.
Hey! Knock it off!
It's all for you!
You're nuts!
Guys, guys!
How do you like that, Ditka?
Take it back.
Here, you get
the whole thing!
We'll settle this later,
okay?
Yeah, you know
where to find me!
Yeah, exactly.
I got this for you, too!
Get out of here!
Phil, come on.
What are you lookin' at?
Dad, he hit me.
He hit me with the ball.
Hey, Dad, what happened
to all your fish?
That one ate the others.
I call him "Killer. "
Killer?
Yeah.
I like it.
Yeah.
You might wanna clean the
water every now and then.
Let's see what you can do.
Hey, Dad,
I didn't know if...
I wanted to
talk to you about Sam.
Sammy's a good boy.
Yeah. Yeah.
Yeah.
He hasn't been playing much
lately and, I didn't know if...
Stop right there.
I agree with you.
And I got some
great news.
He's gonna get a
lot more playing time now.
Dad, thanks, that's...
that's exactly what I wanted to hear.
I traded him
to the Tigers.
Ooh, hey!
You traded
your own grandson?
Well, I didn't actually
get anything for him.
You know that cost $400?
I can't believe it.
W
- What, you calling me a liar? I'll show you the receipt.
No, I-I'm talking
about Sam!
W- Why didn't you
just play him more?
He is going to
play more, Philly...
Yeah, for another team!
You... You... You care
about winning that much?
Look, Phil, I'm
not just coaching soccer.
I'm building men.
Okay, yeah.
Hey, hey, hey.
It's an impressive shot.
Sure.
But, you know,
I want Sam to have fun.
This isn't the big leagues.
For those who live between
Broadway and Grandville,
between the ages
of 10 and 12,
who are free
on Sundays and Tuesdays,
this is the big leagues.
But what about Sam?
Sam, you saw him out there
today. It breaks my heart.
At best,
he's a benchwarmer.
Wow! Oh!
Oh, Killer! Killer!
How did that happen?
Hey, Sam,
you wanna give us a minute?
Need a little adult time.
Uh-huh.
Of all the asinine things
my dad has done,
this is by far
the most asinine.
I mean, I know he's the
most competitive man in the world.
But this beats them all.
I'm angry.
I'm... I'm spitting angry!
I'm like a tornado of anger,
swirling about!
My heart rate is
dangerously high right now.
I'm glad it happened,
I...
What?
Yeah.
What do you mean?
Where did my wife go?
Are you a robot?
Are you a robot-woman?
I... I am not a robot.
Phil, honey, I know
this is upsetting, okay,
but you have to try to
find the positive in this.
It was unhealthy for Sam to
play on your dad's team.
Now he'll play
for the Tigers
And have some fun.
Okay, look,
you're too upset about this.
So, I'll tell him, okay?
No, no, no,
no, no, no, I...
I need to tell him.
Benchwarmer?
Boy, did that hurt my face.
Sammy?
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Internet dating?
No.
Mail-order bride?
No.
Just kidding.
Look, uh, I got some good news.
I got you put on a new team.
I'm not on the Gladiators
anymore?
No.
You're on the Tigers.
The Tigers?
Yeah.
They're in last place.
Yeah, but you're gonna get
more playing time.
Did Grandpa trade me?
No.
Yes, wait.
I'm happy this is happening.
This is a good thing.
You know, it doesn't seem
like a good thing,
but it's a good thing.
Trust me.
You do not wanna be
the kid
that's on the other end
of the bench.
You do not
want to be that kid.
'Cause I know that kid.
You don't wanna be him.
Okay.
You don't wanna be the kid
who has such suppressed rage
that his heart's about
to burst through his chest.
You don't wanna be the
kid that when he thinks about
what his dad did to him...
I know that kid. I know.
That kid lives right here
in this house!
Mom!
Oh.
Mom!
He doesn't know what to do.
He doesn't...
Ouch!
Phew.
Okay?
Yes. Good.
Coach Benson will be good
for you. He knows his stuff.
I bet you this whole thing
is gonna turn out to be
a blessing in disguise.
Hey, the Tigers
may be in last place,
but those guys
look pretty good.
Dad, those
aren't the Tigers.
They're not even
wearing blue.
The Tigers are
over there.
I'm having a baby.
Oh, I'm having a baby.
No hitting the baby.
No, no, don't hit
my precious baby.
Oh, look, it's gonna come
out! It's gonna come out! Oh!
Cut it out!
Oh, it's gonna come out!
Oh.
Hi, excuse me. Uh,
Coach Benson around?
Yeah, you all know
Phil Weston?
Oh, yeah.
Hey, welcome to the team,
little fellow.
Why don't you go join
those other kids over there?
Yeah, go ahead.
There's a moving truck
in front of Benson's house.
Did you hear? The pressure
of coaching got to him.
He cracked.
How could he crack? We're
only one game into the season.
All right,
Tigers, it's game time.
Oh, but we're waiting
for our coach.
Well, then one of you
will have to coach.
Yeah, but I had talked to Coach
Benson, we're brand new...
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
All right.
Find yourself a coach,
or the Tigers forfeit.
Yes?
Where do I know you from?
I've been your neighbor
for seven years.
No, that ain't it.
No, that's definitely it.
I'll figure it out.
So, who's gonna coach?
We got Mark into soccer, 'cause
we wanted to take a break.
I didn't think I'd be
coaching the little bugger.
I just got laid off.
I'm looking for a job
so it's hard enough
to drag myself out of bed.
So, uh, we forfeit.
So, we're forfeiting?
No, no, no, no. Uh,
you know what,
I... I can coach.
Well, that's swell!
Great!
Just for one game.
Right. It's game time.
Get your team on the field.
Who are we playing?
How about
you use your eyes?
Oh, great.
All right, guys. Everybody
up. Let's go, come on.
Let's go, come on. Lift them.
Lift them. Hey, hey, hey.
What are you doing here?
Where's Benson?
Oh, Benson's a no-show.
I'm gonna coach the Tigers today.
Ooh. You sure
you wanna do that?
How you doing, Buck?
Players take the field.
Good luck, Buck.
Yeah. All right.
Yeah, good luck.
Yeah, you too.
May the best man win?
Oh, he will.
Yeah.
J.T., let's go. Hey,
let's go, everybody. Hey, hey!
Okay. Let's go, guys.
Okay, Tigers, uh, why don't
we have starters take the field?
We don't have starters,
we never got that far.
All right. Well, then, how
about, uh you, you, you?
Yes.
You.
Me?
No, not you.
You, Sam, you, you, you,
and you.
You guys, hit the field.
All right!
Go get them. Huh?
Go get them.
They're
gonna kill us, you know.
I'm sorry,
did you say something?
We're gonna get killed.
Oh, you don't know that
for sure.
Yeah, I do.
And it's gonna be awful.
Charge!
Defense!
Get the ball!
Yeah!
That was fast.
Sorry about the fall, Sam.
See you at the barbecue.
Come on!
Great, great, great.
You wanna go in?
No. I'm fine.
You guys?
No, I'm cool.
I'm staying.
That's the game!
Poetry in motion, Philly!
Bring it on in.
Gather around.
Come on in. Good job.
Powerful kicking.
Powerful kicking.
Uh, excuse me. Just don't
do that with the cup.
All in all, just,
yeah, good.
Good... Good group effort.
Were you watching
the same game?
Yeah.
Really, give yourselves
a pat on the back.
Inspiring speech, Phil.
Hey, Patty.
Hey, darling. How you doing?
Looking great out there.
Yeah, you said it. Yeah.
Tough game today, eh?
We did okay.
Yeah.
All right, look. Now what
do you say I take Sam back,
be on a winning team,
he'll get a trophy,
and who cares
if he's a benchwarmer?
No.
No?
No. No, he's not
going to be a benchwarmer.
Not my son.
Not on your team.
'Cause I'm, uh,
I'm gonna coach the Tigers.
Ooh, ouch.
"Ouch. " Why "ouch"?
Nothing. Nothing.
You really think you
can coach in my league?
Yeah.
Okay.
I'll see you on the field.
Okay. Be forewarned, muchacho.
You're in the show now.
What was that all about?
I'm gonna be the new
permanent coach of the Tigers.
Really?
Yep.
Cool!
Honey, that's great.
Yeah.
Why are you so angry?
No, this... this isn't angry.
This is happy.
Yay. This could be fun.
Yep.
Okay.
Okay,
I got a lot of work to do.
Come on.
Take that for me, buddy.
Hi. Oh, hello.
We didn't get to introduce
ourselves last time. I'm Ann Hogan.
Hi.
Donna Jones.
Hi.
You can call me "Chief. "
Okay. This is my son, Sam.
Hi.
Hey, Sam.
Hi, this is Byong Sun.
Hi, Byong Sun.
Hi, Byong Sun.
Byong Sun and Sam, why don't
you guys go on ahead, okay?
Okay.
All right. Okay, good.
Yeah, Byong Sun's real shy.
This book really helped us deal with it.
Okay. You'll probably
wanna give it a glance.
"My Child is Shy. "
Yeah.
Thank you.
Good.
Thank you.
I'm sorry, I'm sorry,
who's your son?
Byong Sun.
Oh, I see.
Actually, I...
You know what, I don't see.
I'm sorry, I...
Oh, wait, now I see. Wow!
Okay.
We're at every game.
Not like a lot
of the other parents.
No, no, no, not like
the other parents at all.
Better! You're better
than the other parents.
Oh, so they're better?
No, no, I mean... I mean, they're...
Well, they're different.
What do you mean
"different"?
No, I... You're different
because you're better.
How are they better?
No, look...
You're both better different
in a different
but better way.
Okay. You know what,
let's get the rest.
A little early to start
playing favorites, Phil.
Okay, guys,
let's take the field.
Get up, Dad.
Nice fall.
Hold up!
Love it, yeah!
Grab a ball!
Here we go. Fan out.
Form a circle here.
Great. Okay, now,
I don't know,
it may just be me,
but, uh, I really got a
feeling like we could catch fire
and have a great season. Huh?
Now, who's with me?
It's electric in the air!
Yeah!
Thank you for that show
of enthusiasm.
Uh, well, I... I thought we would
just start, uh, today by going around,
introducing yourselves,
and telling me
your... your strengths
on the soccer field.
All right.
Start with you.
Hey, I'm Hunter.
Hey, Hunter. I'm Phil.
Hi, Phil. Uh, I-I'll
eat this worm for $5.
How would that help us?
I'd have an extra $5?
No, you're not going to
eat that, are you?
Ugh!
Did you just eat that?
Yeah, I ate it.
Now you owe me $5.
I didn't agree to pay you $5.
Forget it.
Pass it to someone else.
I'm Byong Sun.
Hi, Byong Sun.
I am a very kind person.
Oh, that's sweet.
That's very sweet.
Anything that relates
to soccer?
No, sir.
You know, maybe you and
Ambrose could... could team up.
He's big. You... You might
form one mega-person.
Okay, forget that
I just said that.
Uh, pass it
to... to someone else.
I'm Mark Avery.
You know, I like to keep
my pimp hands strong.
You dig, cracker?
You feel me?
W- What does that mean?
I really don't know.
I heard it
on a rap video once.
Oh.
But, I'm, like, really funny.
I got like a million jokes.
Great. Okay, yeah.
I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Remember when
you called us out
onto the field
and you fell over?
Right. Yeah?
Man! I got you good!
Somebody call the burn unit.
I got you bad!
How did I get burned?
Apparently,
I don't get it, okay.
Doesn't matter.
Uh, you know what?
Let's just do some drills.
Now, this one,
all the great players have
done at one time or another.
It's called "the snake. "
Player in the back
dribbles the ball
in a weaving fashion
around the player
and stops 3 feet
from the first player.
Hey!
Okay, that's not the snake.
Uh...
Honey,
it was your first practice.
It'll get better.
No, it's gonna get worse.
You need to give it
some time, Phil.
No. I already know.
It was awful.
The kids were
just running around.
They weren't
listening to me.
They were like
And I don't even know
what a whirling dervish is,
but that's... that's what
they were like.
You know why?
'Cause I'm not a coach.
Okay? I don't know
what I'm doing.
My dad. He's a coach.
He knows the game.
He's confident, he's smart,
witty, dynamic,
vicious, brutal, vindictive.
A monster.
And he will win
through intimidation
and forceful tactics
if need be.
I'm not like that.
In fact, I don't know
anyone like that.
Do you?
So, Paul,
what's on your mind?
Uh, actually, it's Phil.
You mean, it's not Paul?
No, it's Phil.
What's the difference?
Come on. Spit it out.
Uh, here it is.
Mike!
Hold this.
Oh, no. No, no, we do not
allow smoking in the house.
I- I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Here, I'll
get rid of it, honey.
Anyway, uh, I-I'm coaching
my son's soccer team.
And... And I... I didn't
know if you might be willing to help.
Soccer?
Actually, uh, I... I want you
to assistant coach.
Your assistant coach?
You really don't know
who I am, do you?
You're right. Silly idea.
I just... I just
need some help
and you're such
a great coach.
My dad's gonna be riding
me all season, so I just...
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho,
your dad?
You mean I get to coach
against your dad?
Well, yeah.
Mike, I smell smoke!
Nobody's smokin'!
Mike!
For Pete's sake!
So, like, it's me and you
against your old man?
I mean,
there are other teams.
Gotcha!
No smoking means
no smokin'!
Okay, come on, Phil.
I'll throw this out
the window, honey.
Uh, I-I'm sorry, Mrs. D...
I'm sorry.
You should be.
It's a nasty, filthy habit.
Hey.
You can count me in.
Really?
Let's bring your
old man down. Oh, great.
Give me a drink.
It's just a great group.
Okay, uh, Tigers.
Look who's here.
I'll give you a hint.
Hall of Fame?
Chicago Bears?
Sammy Sosa?
No, no, no.
Come on.
No, football.
Coached the 1986...
'85.
Uh, '85 Bears
to a Super Bowl victory?
It's Mike Ditka.
Yeah.
Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Hey, zip it, kid!
I'm a coach that knows
about winning.
I'm gonna push you guys like
you've never been pushed before.
Some of you are
gonna wish I was dead.
It's true.
I know it's a weird thought,
but it's true.
I eat quitters for breakfast
and I spit out their bones.
Delicious.
Now this is gonna be the
hardest most difficult thing
you ever attempted
in your entire life.
You know what when it's
over... It will get emotional.
When it's over...
When it's over...
...you guys are gonna
be champions. Champions.
By God, you're
gonna be champions.
All right, everybody up.
Come on.
Come on, hands in.
Come on, everybody. Let's
go out and kick some butt.
Here we go. On three.
Let's have fun.
One, two, three.
Let's have fun.
"Let's have fun?"
What's that?
I just made it up.
On the ground, give me
the pushups, come on.
If you guys
were with the Bears,
I'd fine you each
$10,000 apiece.
This calls for some
drastic measures.
We're gonna make
some changes around here.
Come on, move it.
Move it! Faster! Faster!
Faster. Faster.
Move it! Move it! Put some
pressure on those legs!
Faster. Faster.
No candy! Your mother said you
can't have any candy!
Please. Give me it back.
No candy.
Please. No. Please?
Hey! I got eyes
in the back of my head.
Come on,
girls. You gotta move it.
You gotta move it.
All the way!
Come on, move it. Move it.
But, coach, how is this
gonna help me with soccer?
It's not gonna
help you with soccer,
but I'm gonna get
my trash taken out, okay?
Come on, Beyonce, let's
get that back end done.
Uh, Coach? Shouldn't we
be going to soccer practice?
I'm not going to soccer
practice with a dirty car.
Here we go, gang.
Let's go, Tigers. Come on.
Let's go get them.
Come on, kick butt out there.
You're great.
Hey, Sam.
Yeah?
What is it, Dad?
How you doing?
Good.
Good. Good.
Ow!
What was that for? Jeez!
Did you just
kick your son?
Yeah.
Stop them! Come on.
Stop them!
Stop them! Stop them!
Are you following me?
No.
Oh.
Oh.
Uh.
Oh.
Shake it off, Sam. Get some
circulation back in your skull.
Go, Jack, go.
Yes.
Yeah! Good job, Jack!
That's a legitimate goal,
right?
That's a real goal.
Okay, then,
that's a real goal.
and we're in business.
Look at me, I'm the ref.
I'm the ref. I'm the ref.
All right. Very funny.
You can't catch me if you
want, because I'm the ref.
Okay. Very funny. Very,
very funny. Very funny.
All right. You all had
a laugh? Fine! Play on!
Sorry about that.
How much do you think
those things are?
I have no idea.
Oh.
Man!
Shut up you little rats!
They're just showing
their appreciation.
Forget the appreciation.
I wanna win a soccer game!
Okay.
Hey, can I have this?
Yeah, go ahead.
All right!
Uh, good game, everyone.
Great effort.
Come on, let's go.
We'll just reconvene
at a later time.
All right, everyone.
Uh, if I could
have your attention.
I got a little something
for the Tigers here
to express my... my gratitude
and, well,
just a big thank you
for all the hard work.
All right!
So, uh...
So what'd you bring, Phil?
Finches.
Fishes?
No! No, no, no. No.
Finches. Birds.
I'm holding them.
They're tiny birds.
Yeah, so everyone, come
up here and grab a finch.
Come on. Come on, guys.
You can watch them grow, right in
front of your, uh, very own eyes.
We have to keep them?
You get to keep them.
Why is this fun?
I want to welcome you all
to tonight's
Highland Heights Soccer Organization
parent's dinner.
Every year, we like to take
a little time
for the coaches
to come up here
to tell us a little
about their team.
All right.
How about I bring up someone who's new
to coaching in this league,
but is close to me?
I love him like a son.
Come on up, Phil.
Come on, Phil.
Come on, Philly. Come on.
Go. Yes.
Good guy. Good guy.
Good to see you.
Thanks, Dad.
Uh, thanks, Janice.
Hello, uh,
I'm, uh, I'm Phil Weston.
And you got balls!
He's got vitamins.
That's very funny, Dad.
Hilarious.
So when I took over
for Coach Benson...
I hear he's a woman now.
Ooh.
Actually, uh, truth be told, no one knows
where he is right now.
A lot of people
are concerned.
I don't know
why that's funny.
God, I'm going to be honest, I... I didn't plan on
speaking tonight.
I... I was... I was
actually hoping that
my... my assistant coach
would be here,
uh, to kind of...
Ladies and gentlemen, I would like to introduce
Mike Ditka.
It's Mike Ditka, everyone!
Say a few words.
Thanks, Paul, thanks, everybody.
It's... It's great to be here
and, uh, gonna have
a lot of fun tonight.
Paul's got the Tigers
on the move.
All right!
You live long enough,
you see everything.
Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil
coaching the Tigers.
I couldn't really hear you.
My Super Bowl ring
was making too much noise.
Ooh.
You see it, Dad? Right there,
Dad. That was a great one.
Read it and weep.
Ditka is a great coach, we understand
that, but he's a football coach.
Understand?
Right.
And we are
still losing, Phil.
Okay, I understand
your concern about our record,
but with me
it's not about win-lose.
We are going to win one game
eventually, right?
Well, we've had
a rocky start,
but with a strong team
effort, we will win some
I think.
Remember,
there's no "I" in team.
But there is an "I"
in win.
There is an "I" in win.
Hey, wait.
Uh, parents,
Honey.
I didn't see you step up
when the team was in need.
Okay.
Okay.
Phil is not the greatest
coach in the world,
I'll give you that,
but at least he's trying.
I can defend myself,
please.
You think he enjoys losing
week after week,
in front of his own son?
You're making it worse.
You're making it worse.
What's with the birds?
That was weird.
I've got my hands full with
Hunter. I don't need a bird.
Okay, you know what?
You got me. All right?
The finches were
a bad idea.
And I wasn't going to say this,
but I think some of them have salmonella.
A fair amount, in fact.
What?
I may have inadvertently
poisoned your children.
You and I,
we got something going.
You know, maybe we can coach
the Little League together.
You really think that, huh? Yeah.
Coach Ditka?
Yes?
Hi. Um, uh, our son, Byong Sun, he's
very shy and I was just wondering...
Sure. Yeah, I'd be glad to.
Thank you so much.
How do you spell that?
It's, uh, Byong Sun.
B- Y...
I think I got it.
Oh, oh, okay,
Okay?
Thank you.
Bye-bye.
Thanks, Phil.
Yeah. They're great.
Just a wonderful couple.
Yeah.
Bing Bong?
Hey, Philly.
Yeah, Dad.
Hey, I've been
meaning to talk to you
about this Ditka thing.
I don't like it one bit.
Yeah, well, he's right here.
I'm not blind.
What, are you trying
to stick it to the old man?
You go to my mortal enemy
for help?
That's no way
to talk about your neighbor.
Oh, yeah?
He's right.
I hated him from the first
time I laid eyes on him.
Maybe even before that, because I
know you're the guy that wrote
"Ditka sucks" on my driveway.
What are you
even doing here?
You're just doing this
to get under my skin.
I'm glad you figured it out.
And I'm getting under
your skin.
It's gonna get a lot
worse before it gets better.
In your dreams.
Ooh.
Hey, why don't you take that
pretty young wife of yours and go home?
What did you call her?
Hey guys, please.
It's a compliment.
I said she's lovely
and she's young.
She's the light of my life.
You don't talk about her.
I go home when I want.
It's Mike Ditka. He's big.
Stay out of this.
I'll tell you for
the last time. Hit the road!
Who's gonna make me?
I am.
You're acting like... Oh!
I took a punch from Hall
of Famer, Mike Ditka,
and I did not go down.
Sure, I wobbled a bit,
but I did not go down.
That Ditka has fists
like a small truck.
Come here.
Okay.
Yeah, you need to relax.
Yeah.
You should've seen the
look on my dad's face.
Priceless.
'Cause that punch
was meant for him,
that's what
makes me feel so good.
Okay, Phil,
can we please not talk
about your dad or Ditka tonight? Please?
I... I... You just need
to relax.
You're right.
Yeah.
I'm sorry.
Okay.
Yeah, I just get...
I'm in
way over my head.
I got punched in the face
and it hurt.
Honey, come on,
the kids need a real coach.
Phil?
Yeah?
I love you.
What does that have
to do with anything?
Okay. I quit. I give up. I
give up. You go talk to Ditka.
What for? He scares me.
Have you ever
looked into his eyes?
Or at his hair?
Well, he's been coaching
for a long time.
Share your feelings
with him.
You want me to share my
feelings of inadequacy
with Mike Ditka?
Uh. What else can you do?
Okay. You're right.
You're right.
You're always right.
I'm sorry.
I'll go talk to him.
Okay?
Okay.
And, Phil...
Yeah?
Try not to cry
in front of him.
Hey, hey, get a grip
on yourself, okay? Man up.
I can't.
You better or else
I'm gettin' out of here.
Here, drink this coffee.
I don't like coffee.
It's a vasoconstrictor.
Hey, coffee is the number
one drink in the world.
Everybody drinks it.
Even little kids in Mexico
drink coffee.
Well, I'm not a little kid
in Mexico.
Okay? In fact, I
don't know who I am.
I took a long hard look at myself in
the mirror, and you know what I saw?
What?
Nothing.
My dad, he's something.
I mean, I've never lived
up to my dad's expectations.
And to top it all off, I'm
letting Sam down. My own son!
Ah. Hey!
Ow!
Knock it off.
I don't care about that.
Why is everyone
slapping me lately?
Drink the coffee. It'll
make you feel better.
I don't... I don't like...
Um, uh,
Yeah. Uh-huh.
Yeah, it's good.
Picks you up.
It calms you down.
It's the lifeblood that
drives the dreams of champions.
Oh.
Now, you gotta tell me
the problem,
but if you cry,
I'm out of here.
I... I can't do it. I can't
coach. I can't beat my old man.
You can beat your dad!
He's just a man.
This coaching business,
Paul, is tough stuff.
Phil.
Whatever. It's tough stuff.
And when you lose,
it all comes down on you.
But listen, when you
put it all together,
and you win, it's the
greatest feeling in the world.
It's like
winning the Super Bowl.
Really?
Yeah, really.
Except, you saddled me
with a bunch of stiffs.
Take me 3 years to get
these guys shaped up.
I'm sorry.
But I got a good idea.
Maybe we take a shortcut, stick
it to your old man real good.
But in order to do that, we
gotta get some fresh meat.
Okay.
Keepa this up,
you get nowhere in meat.
Maria, the prosciutto.
It's almost 10:00.
Okay.
Umberto!
Hey, coach.
Don't you worry, I
got you bratwurst all ready.
Hello.
Beautiful. Grazie.
Right.
Are your nephews
working today?
Uh, si, in the back.
Go back and take
a look at these guys.
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
Maria?
Wow!
Oh, they're terrific.
Pretty impressive, huh?
Yes!
These kids are the right age, and
they live in the district. Why not?
Uh, excuse me, mister.
Your... Your two nephews...
Si?
Uh, would... would they be
interested in, uh, playing soccer?
Massimo e Gian Piero?
Yeah.
No, no, no,
they not play soccer.
They come here to apprentice me. Yeah.
They have too much
to learn.
You know, English, meat.
Too much.
So they don't
play soccer at all?
They could learn
from the American kids.
Don't look like that to me.
Please.
They play with American kids,
they... they pick up English.
A lot... lot of famous athletes
have learned English through sports.
Sammy Sosa.
Yeah.
Kareem Abdul-Jabbar.
Leon Spinks, uh,
Elvis Costello.
No. No.
Bjrn Borg, Mark Spitz.
Let the kids
have some fun.
Okay! Okay!
Great.
But remember.
Meat first, then soccer.
Yes!
I told you. Every great thing
in life starts with a brat.
Tigers, huddle up.
Get in here. Come on.
Get in here, guys.
Come on. Everybody up.
I know we're on a five-game losing
streak, but I've got good news.
Umberto. I've got two
new players joining the team.
Guys, Gian Piero and Massimo.
Now, these boys
are from Italy, okay?
So they don't
speak English that well.
We're all gonna
help them learn.
They're apprentice butchers.
Did the blacksmiths and the
candlestick makers not make it?
Shut up.
I come back,
pick up 5:00.
Prima what?
Meat first. First!
Ah, meat first.
Yes, si.
Yes, we love meat.
You fellows, put these on.
Yeah, try them on
and, uh, take the field.
Take-a-the-field.
All right, come on!
Massimo!
Gian Piero!
Follow it.
Wow! Crazy!
Whoa.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yeah, team!
New game plan. Get the
ball to the Italians.
Come on. Guys, bring it in.
Generals! Generals! Yeah!
I just got excited.
Nice job. Nice job.
Pizza at my house.
We won, Dad.
We finally won.
We broke the Tiger curse.
Yes.
Okay, no biting, come on.
Guys? Oh. Settle down.
Everyone.
Get enough pizza?
You definitely had enough
candy, I can tell that.
I just... Ow! That got me
right in the nipple.
Hey, guys, I just wanna say:
"Congratulations
on the Tigers' first victory!"
There's more
where that came from.
That's right. You guys,
you all played great.
So did Gian Piero and Massimo who
couldn't be here because:
Meat comes first!
Right.
Got you a gift.
Soccer Dan Instructional DVD.
We're gonna keep learning
as we go.
This is where we're really
gonna hone our skills.
This will take us
to the next level. Study it.
Watch it. I only watched it for 5 minutes,
I already... I already learned this.
This is called "up and over. "
You can learn things like...
Maybe back over here.
Fakes left,
fakes right, he shoots!
What is going on in there?
Guys, I said no playing soccer
in the house.
You did. You said it a lot.
Who did that?
He did.
He did!
What? Nah!
Kill Phil!
Okay.
Hey! All right!
Goal!
Why don't our
two new players
speak any English?
Because they're
Italian.
You didn't know English
that whole first
year of your life.
You had that
made-up, like,
goo-goo,
gaa-gaa baby language.
It was
really irritating.
Dad.
You learned.
What's that haunting aroma?
I don't know.
Hello.
Hi, there.
Hi, uh,
my name is Phil.
This is my son,
Sam,
and I... I'm brand new
to coffee.
So I don't want too much.
Okay.
Can you take half of the
regular version of the coffee
and mix it with half of
the decaffeinated version?
Or is that... is that
just too weird a thing
to ask for?
Half-Caff?
Right.
Half-Caff.
Half-Caff.
We're... We're gonna have
a Half-Caff.
We're gonna have
Half-Caff.
Yeah.
And, a Half-Caff.
That's me.
Mother of Pearl!
That is hot!
That was hot.
Should have
waited for the jacket.
Yeah. I know,
I got too eager.
Another Half-Caff.
Another Half-Caff.
Whoa!
Whoa.
Uh, you.
Head.
Okay. Go.
OK.
Foot on ball, and pull. Go.
OK.
Yeah!
Tap. Pull.
Okay?
Tap and pull?
Yes.
Mama mia.
You're a real duffer,
you know?
I'm not worthy.
I'm not worthy.
How do you say
"pizza" in Italian?
Pizza. Pizza.
How do you
say "spaghetti?"
Spaghetti.
Italian is easy.
Thank you.
Hello.
Hello.
Where're you
from?
Australia.
Oh, that's
a lovely accent.
Thank you.
You still waiting
for your coffee?
Yes.
Make sure you get one of these
sleeves. I burned myself last time.
Thanks for the tip.
It's something you
don't know at first.
Would you look at
those Italians go?
Oh, God, I'm
in bad shape for 11.
Worm! Worm!
Okay, Bucky,
it was, like, so awesome.
You should have
saw it.
They just score and
score and score
and score and score
and score and score.
It was all too much,
I had to take an Advil,
and I'm like, I got,
like, a headache almost.
You should get some
Italians on your team.
It's like ba-boom!
Ba-boom!
Are... Are you guys getting
any playing time, like...
No.
French Roast.
Right.
Guatemalan with
a little Ethiopian.
Absolutely.
Aw.
That's... That's
not coffee.
That's my Russian vodka!
Jack!
No! Mom!
UV index
is very high today.
I'm in the middle
of a game, come on!
I know. But your skin's
more important.
Mom, come on.
Okay, go!
Keep passing
to the Italians!
Go Tigers!
Don't forget
the meatballs!
Hey, hey!
Hey! Here we go!
Hey.
Are you serious?
I'll go change
in my car.
Hurry up.
Yeah.
Hey, Philly.
Smells good.
Yeah.
They're
sirloin burgers.
No, I mean the air.
What?
Smells fresh.
Yeah.
What do you
mean?
Beautiful day.
Yeah.
Couldn't ask for
a more beautiful day.
I'm feeling
fully alive.
Tigers have won
five in a row.
The Italians and Ditka
have won five in a row.
We're 500.
Yeah,
we're 1,000.
Look, Dad,
I got a feeling
we're gonna make
it to the finals.
You what?
Gonna go where?
Yeah.
You're serious?
Yeah, you bet I'm serious.
Looks like somebody needs to be
taken down a couple of notches.
What is the law, Phil?
Stop it, Dad.
The law says:
"You shall never beat
the old man at anything. "
Just serve.
Okay.
Oh, foul, foul, foul!
Come on!
You a little klutzy?
All right.
Okay,
here we go.
Pooh! Boom!
Sorry.
Huevos Rancheros.
You wanna quit now?
No, no, no, no, no.
Oh!
Ol!
You okay?
Serve it.
Phil? Honey?
Don't talk to me,
it's father-son time!
Come on.
Somebody should be
videotapin' this.
Ooh. Who's your trainer?
Stop talking and serve!
Maniac.
Now, I bury you.
Bury you!
Bury you!
Bury you!
Yeah.
I'll see you inside.
Okay.
That's the best I've
ever played against him.
Yeah, it didn't grind
the barbecue to a halt at all.
Ow.
You made an excellent impression
on your son, by the way.
Hey, I... I almost had you.
What do you call that again,
when you almost win?
Oh, yeah, yeah, losing.
I'll tell you, Dad.
The Tigers are
making it to the finals.
That ain't
never gonna happen.
Oh, yeah?
Never.
You wanna make a bet?
Yeah.
Yeah?
Fine. Okay.
We'll bet.
I beat you,
and you sell that break-even
snake-oil stand of yours.
And you're gonna
come to work for me.
No. No, I'm not
gonna work for you.
Uh? Oh.
Okay, okay,
okay, okay. Stop.
Okay. But if I win...
What?
I get the Pel ball.
Do what?
If I beat you
in the finals,
Pel ball.
It's mine. I get it.
Here comes Pel.
A little high
and into the crowd.
I got it! I got it!
No. I got it.
Yeah!
Dad?
What?
Can I have the ball?
For what?
I caught it. Why?
You get
the next one.
If I beat you in the finals,
I get the Pel ball.
For the day.
Forever.
No way, Jose.
No, sir. No way.
All right. All right.
Yeah?
We got ourselves a bet,
okay?
All right.
Good.
Good.
Good.
Yes.
See you tomorrow.
Okay. Good.
Yeah, I think we're gonna
have to cut you off, sir.
Ooh.
Not a chance.
Gotta go feed the meter.
Line 'em up.
Your wife told me about
the bet you made
with your old man.
Oh, yeah?
What of it?
I think maybe
you're getting
ahead of yourself.
We played the easy
part of our schedule.
We gotta win
five games in a row
just to make
the semifinals.
So maybe you should...
Maybe you should
worry more about the team
and less
about the schedule.
What?
There's a lot of
slothfulness going on.
Slothfulness?
Yeah.
Let's go, Tigers.
Bring it in.
Bring it in, guys.
Let's go.
Grab some bench.
Look how much time it takes
for them to come in.
Take a seat.
Let's go.
Okay, guys.
I had you come
here early today,
so we could talk
about some sloppy play.
It's come
to my attention
that lately,
I've noticed
a general,
blatant disregard
for our game plan.
Ambrose.
Yeah?
I saw a bunch of
nonsense out there.
What was going through your
head out there last week?
I was breaking
my back for you, Coach,
because of my love
for the game.
Liar!
Jack.
What?
Who are you supposed
to pass the ball to?
The Italians.
Right. Alex, when?
When I come in
contact with the ball.
The instant you come
in contact with the ball.
That's our strategy.
It's one of the many plays
we've worked out.
It's the only play
we've worked out.
How many sarcastic pills
did you take this morning?
Coach,
I'm just saying...
"But, Coach... "
You gotta
lighten up.
He started it.
I seem to remember
a certain little boy
who was very
sad when he lost.
And that same little boy
was very happy when he won.
I'm doing this
for you, okay?
So that
we can have fun.
Right? Fun. Okay.
Yeah.
Hey,
you're... you're late.
Wh-Wh-Where've
you been?
Uh,
there's a problem.
Wait, where's Gian
Piero and Massimo?
We were supposed
to pick them up.
Hey, what's going on?
Where are my Italians?
Huh?
I can't afford to
lose this one, Umberto.
Meat is now.
Me and the boy will work
all day to get
this order done.
It's a big, big order.
No, no, no. I... Believe me,
I know. Meat comes first.
Sure.
I've only heard it about
a thousand times from you.
I can't talk to you.
Here, you take this.
I'm really
getting sick and tired of
"the meat comes first. "
I'm sorry.
# Happy birthday ##
Quiet please!
Shut up!
I'm on the phone.
You're not
the only one in the park.
You know, at a certain point,
these kids just
wanna play soccer.
They don't care
about the meat.
Uh, do I have to say that?
'Cause that's gonna cause
some kind of
a dramatic situation here.
What are you saying, eh?
What? Hello? Umberto?
Umberto?
All right, guys.
We got 25 minutes
and a lot of beef to cut.
Let's get to it.
Watch me, boys, I'm goin' in!
Whoa!
We made it.
Sorry we're late.
Hey, Stew.
Hey.
Uh. Listen. One of... One of my
guys didn't bring his socks.
So, we forfeit.
You hear that, Vultures,
we forfeit. Let's go.
Come on! Run!
Hurry, run quickly!
Run! Run to the car! Run!
Don't look back! Run!
We won!
We won.
Two, four, six, eight,
who do we appreciate?
Vultures. Vultures.
Yeah!
Good job, guys.
Phil, it's freezing out here.
It's not Phil.
It's Coach Weston.
And it's not
freezing out here.
Then why did you
build a fire?
Because fire is
the stuff of warriors.
And that's what we are,
right? Warriors?
The Hopi Indians
called fire...
Coach, what are we
doing out here, anyway?
We're bonding.
We're becoming a team.
Surviving the elements,
here in the backyard.
Coach, did you order
the pizzas yet?
In due time, Connor.
In due time.
However,
I want all of you to know
if the pizzas don't arrive,
I've already
made the decision
that we will eat Byong Sun.
All right.
We're not gonna eat him.
But he does look delicious,
you have to admit, right,
if we had to eat someone?
Dad, you're
getting a little creepy.
I know,
let's all bay at the moon.
What?
You know, howl like a wolf.
Shut up out there!
You shut up in there!
Come on, everyone.
Bay at the moon.
Ooh, I don't know.
The Irish Cream
sounds good, huh?
What's that?
Uh, it's cream
and it's, uh, it's Irish.
Hurry up and order.
Excuse me. Thank you.
How about a smoothie?
What's in that?
Smoothie's a juice drink.
We want coffee.
Buddy, relax.
No, you relax.
I'm a regular here.
This line needs to move.
I beg your pardon.
Do you have scones?
Tall, non fat,
double latte...
Sir, you're at
the back of the line.
I recognize that!
Cut it out or
you're out of here.
You can't
kick me out!
You know, you're... you're
really invading my ear space.
I'm a frequent
coffee drinker.
I'm part of the club.
I have a card.
Do you have a card?
Do you have a card?
No, I don't
have a card.
Does anyone here
have a card?
We don't have
frequent drinker cards.
That's a video club card.
Zip it there,
Sporty Spice.
Are we doing this?
Is this happening now?
Yeah. Wanna go?
Great.
I'd love to.
Let's do it. Come on.
You're hurting me!
You're hurting me!
What is wrong
with you, Derrick?
I thought
we were friends!
My name is Andy!
Your name is Liar,
'cause you're telling lies.
You know what the odds are
I will never come
back here again?
There's a good
chance of that!
That's a chance
we'll have to take.
Okay, if that's how
you want to play it.
Okay.
I am disappointed!
Good.
Get the door! Get the...
Fine!
Tigers, bring it in.
Let's go.
Let's go, guys.
All right, Tigers.
Let's get ready
to play, huh?
I don't wanna see
any laziness there, okay?
We win this,
we're in the finals.
If we get a big lead,
we gotta pummel these guys.
We gotta pummel them
at all costs.
Dominate and hammer them.
I want you to play dirty,
if you have to,
but don't get caught.
Byong Sun, stay low, okay?
That's easy for you.
Just chop block them
in the back of the knee.
That'll work well.
Ambrose, you're big.
Don't be afraid
to throw the elbow.
If you break
someone's collarbone,
that's a good thing.
That's what the medic's for.
Otherwise, he's just
sitting around, all right?
You hear me?
Hey, Phil.
I... I... I don't think that's
a very good attitude.
You can't talk about
hurting other players.
You don't think?
You don't... you don't think?
I don't think you
should be butting in
when I'm talking
to my team.
You're my assistant, okay?
You're supposed to
back me up
and go get me juice boxes
when I tell you.
Now go get me
a juice box.
You know who
you're talking to?
I'm talking to
the juice box guy.
You're crazy!
I'm not crazy.
I'm just thirsty.
Why don't you
go to hell?
No, you go to hell!
While you're there,
why don't you
grab me a juice box!
I'm no juice box boy,
I'll tell you that!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
Yes, you are!
No, I'm not!
You're like your old man!
I'm not like
my old man!
If it weren't for these kids
I would whip your butt!
I can take a punch!
I'm out of here.
Bye-bye.
I'll see you,
Mr. Big Time Coach.
Bye-bye!
I'm not like my old man!
I'm a kind and gentle,
compassionate human being,
with a heart
as big as a lion!
We'll see you later,
juice box!
Everyone wave goodbye
to juice box.
Literally wave. Do it!
Parents, too!
Everyone waves!
Okay. Guys...
I only want
winners out on the field.
Who's a winner?
I said, "Who's a winner?"
I am.
Everyone's
hands should be up.
I am.
Okay.
Everyone bring it in.
Who are we?
Tigers.
What?
Tigers.
All right. Let's break
someone's clavicle. On three!
One, two, three.
Break someone's clavicle!
Hit the field. Let's go.
Your dad's a trip,
you know that?
Move it! Move it!
Huh.
Pick up that
piece of trash, Tom.
Tuck in your shirt!
What are you doing?
Have a sense of pride, huh?
In fact,
why don't you take a lap?
Go and run a lap!
I'm timing you.
Pick it up!
Faster!
Here we go! Bellissimo!
Whoa!
Let's go!
Over here, Son. Hunter!
He's right there.
He's right there.
Good. Good.
Yes! Hey, you just were served
a plate of humiliation.
How does that feel?
Hey! Off the field.
Off the field, Tarzan.
I'm off.
Defense! Come on!
You guys know
anything about defense?
Dad?
Yeah?
Dad? Dad?
Not now, Sam.
Can you put me in?
Later. Later.
Go grab some bench.
Come on!
There we go, Gian Piero.
You look good.
Think you can mark him?
Yeah, I could take him.
J.J., Zack, everybody see what
we got to do with these guys?
Four on one,
three on another, right?
We have to... We really have
to smother them.
Stop them.
Yeah!
Yes!
Yes! Yes! Yes!
Yeah! All right!
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Did you just push
a kid to the ground?
He fell down!
He fell down!
Play it up. Play it up.
Play it up.
Back and forth!
Victory! We're in the finals!
We're in the finals!
All right!
Losers! Losers!
Losers.
You're a loser! Loser!
We won, Byong Sun!
No. Phil!
Stop it!
Everyone should
get one of these.
Pass him around.
All right. I got him.
Pass him around!
Honey!
Okay. All right.
That's it. I got this.
Hold him down. Phil!
Get the rope!
What in the world
happened to your dad?
I don't know.
But I'll tell you one thing.
I'm never drinking
coffee as long as I live.
Wow!
Wow! Wow! Wow!
Wow! Wow!
What a day!
Wh-What is with the coffee?
Every home in Europe has
its own coffee press.
In fact, every room.
Okay,
you know what, Phil?
You gotta stop.
You've gone overboard.
What are you talking about?
You called a group of
I did not.
You screamed it
through a cone.
Everyone heard you.
What do you want me
to call them? Winners?
'Cause that would
make me a liar, okay?
And at least, give me that.
I am not a liar.
You just lied, just a...
When?
Just a second ago!
When?
About the cone thing!
Okay, you got me
on that one.
That's one lie,
though.
We're in the finals.
Am I the only one
who cares about that?
Where's Sam?
Well, Sam's up in his room.
Very upset. Very depressed.
Depressed? We won.
You didn't play him,
Phil.
I warned you about, this has
become all about you and Buck.
That is patently untrue.
And as far as Sam not playing
in the game, that's his fault.
What?
He needs to speak up, okay? I
can't worry about every player.
I can't talk to you
about this. No, not anymore.
I don't even
know who you are.
You're not human,
that's for sure.
You're like some
kind of animal.
An animal?
Yes, like a wild animal.
Where are you going?
I'm going.
Coffee will make
you feel better.
Barbara, are you
there? Pick up. It's me.
Game's about to start.
Where's Sammy? I thought
you guys were gonna meet me here.
Hello? Hello?
You know what,
I gotta run.
What are you?
Who dresses you these days?
What's this,
some kind of clown outfit?
No.
It's a Tiger outfit.
Good. Good.
Some of the cool stuff
I can do.
And you think this
suit's gonna help you?
We'll see.
Might be a good luck charm.
Okay, good luck, Son.
You're gonna need it.
Bring it in. Let's go.
Huddle it up. Come on.
Coach, um, where's Sam?
Because I don't
see him anywhere.
He'll be here.
Don't worry about it. Okay.
Guys, listen up.
Now I don't think it needs
to be said more than once
how important
today's game is, huh?
This is what
we've worked all year for.
Why are you whispering?
For dramatic effect!
Who are those
guys over there, huh?
Tigers.
They look like
pussycats to me.
What do you say?
Yeah.
Afraid of 'em?
No!
Okay.
You step on this field,
this is all about you.
I mean, I'm not gonna be
the one staying up late at night,
you know, punching a hole
through the window
or crying myself to sleep
or wetting my bed.
Okay? That's not gonna be me.
'Cause I'm fine.
I got my vitamin store
to go back to.
I'm gonna be just great.
I'm gonna be great.
Let me hear you say
that we can do this.
We can do this!
Again.
We can do this!
One more time.
We can do this!
You either win
and go on to greatness,
or you lose.
And probably face a series of
cataclysmic events
for the rest of your lives.
Bring it in, guys.
Bring it in.
Tigers on three. Whisper.
One, two, three.
Tigers.
One, two, three, Gladiators!
Good afternoon,
ladies and gentlemen,
and welcome to the HHSO
Championship game.
I'll be giving
you a play-by-play,
blow-by-blow of
what promises to be
the game of the year.
Look alive!
Tigers versus the Gladiators.
Gladiators with the ball.
Immediately
stolen by Massimo!
Go!
Defense!
Push deeper! Deep! Deep!
He kicks it high.
It's a perfect pass!
Shot! Goal!
Yeah!
Are you ready for this?
The Gladiators with
some good ball movement.
Shot! It's off the mark.
Give it up, Dad!
It's a long game, sonny!
Hey, grab the pebble
from my hand, Grasshopper!
What?
Hey!
If it isn't fart-face Jones.
What's up,
farty pants?
Bring it on.
You can have
the first punch right here.
I could eat a box of cookies
for dinner if I want to.
What? Can you do that? No.
'Cause you're
a fart-face kid.
Oh, my God! No! Tigers!
Help me! Get him off me!
Get him, Logan.
Attaboy, Logan.
Ow! He's got my ear.
He's got my ear!
He's like a jackal from hell!
Italians with the ball.
And they pass it of
to little Byong Sun!
Pass it off! Pass it!
Do it! Shoot it,
Byong Sun. Shoot it!
No! No, no.
Oh! Weak kick!
Stolen away and
kicked way downfield.
Gladiators moving the ball.
Hunter, catch up!
Catch up.
They find Bucky Weston
in the open.
He shoots! Score!
Yes!
Gladiators tie the game.
Byong Sun!
What was that?
I thought
I had the shot.
You thought?
How many times do
I have to say this?
You can take as many shots
as you want during practice.
But never ever
in a game.
Especially not
the championship game.
Okay,
you cannot talk to him...
No, no, no.
Don't go there.
Take a seat.
Go ahead.
Ease up on him!
You ease up on that
corduroy jacket of yours.
Gladiators moving the ball.
Oh! Number 14 goes down.
Come on! That?
Good call, ref!
That's a bad call!
All right, coaches!
Coaches here, now!
God! That's a bad call,
you know it!
Hey, hey, hey.
That's a bad call!
Hey! Hey,
I'm warning you.
Let me ask you a question.
Let me ask a question.
How much you pay him
to make those calls?
You are one wisecrack away
from being thrown
out of this game.
I don't want to
get thrown out.
Can't a guy just be
enthusiastic about the game?
You can be
enthusiastic...
That's all I want to do.
...at a respectable level.
I just wanna have fun.
Now, go to
your places!
And keep your
comments to yourself.
Wow! What was
that all about?
Here's all I heard.
The ref said...
Then my Dad said...
Then the ref said...
Any more questions?
Hit the road. Move it.
Massimo with the ball,
trying to pass it
off to his brother.
Come on!
But Buck Weston has figured out
this Tiger offense.
Go!
Get back on defense!
What did I just say?
Bucky with another open shot.
Goal!
Yes!
Gladiators take the lead.
Was anyone listening?
The Italians have effectively
been shut down.
Great.
That's my boy!
That's the half.
Honey, wh-where have you been?
I called you twice.
What? Why isn't Sam
in his uniform?
So, how's it going?
It took me all morning
to convince him to come.
And the only reason he is here
is to support his team.
What, he doesn't
want to play for me?
He would love to
play for you
but you've turned
him into a benchwarmer.
Sound familiar?
Look, I just wanted
to get to
the championship game, that...
Well, you're here, Phil.
I'm not crying.
It's frustration.
Don't worry. You'll
be all right. Gonna be all right.
If you play the second half the
way you played the first half,
I'm gonna trade the whole team
to the Tigers next year.
Can I go in now?
I have fresh legs.
Philly, I can't.
It's the championship game,
all right?
Don't bother me, okay?
I didn't play
the week before, either.
I promise you, I'll
play you next season, okay?
You want to be Gladiators?
Yeah!
Let's say,
"We are Gladiators. "
We are Gladiators!
Say it again!
We are Gladiators!
Okay, go out in the second
half, I want you to stay focused.
You doing okay?
I know this is tough.
Hey, guys.
Sam, you think
I could talk to you?
I guess.
Honey, do you mind?
Sure.
So, I just
was thinking, uh...
You know, grown-ups
are always telling kids
how they mess up, right?
But the truth is
sometimes
grown-ups screw up
but we don't have anyone to
tell us when we do it.
I screwed up, Sam.
You think?
I just got caught up
in everything.
I really lost my way,
I mean,
I apologize.
I just wanna ask
you if you... if you can
find it in your heart
to forgive me
and you give me
a second chance,
I'd like to
make it up to you.
Okay.
You accept
my apology then?
Yeah.
Thanks, buddy.
All right. You're
starting the second half.
Really?
Yeah.
You're not worried
about losing the game?
No, I'm worried
about losing you.
I brought your uniform just in case.
So, go suit up.
All right.
Okay?
Good job.
Thanks.
Now, give me
that jacket.
Oh.
It's bad?
Horrible.
Okay.
Hey, guys.
Everyone take a seat,
if you would.
I have something important
I'd like to tell you. Um...
I just want you guys to know
that I know that I blew it.
I... I... I... I completely blew it.
And we should've just been
having fun all along
and honestly,
I don't know what happened.
And I owe you,
I owe all of you an apology.
I am very, very,
very, very sorry.
With a capital "S"
and a capital "ORRY."
You know what I mean.
You... You guys are great kids.
You're unique
with... with... with your own
strengths and talents,
and I should've
been promoting that.
Instead, I wasn't,
'cause I'm a lousy coach
and I didn't
teach you anything.
That's not true,
Dad.
What? What are you talking about?
He's a lousy coach.
He didn't teach me anything.
He tried to kill me.
He taught us exactly how
not to play soccer.
Actually, Sam's right.
That's exactly what I did.
We just need to
take the field
and you guys
just do e-e-exactly
the opposite of
everything I've taught you.
Does that make sense?
What have I... What have I
told you to do?
Always play the Italians.
Okay. There you go.
Gian Piero, Massimo,
we'll get some
fresh legs in there.
Give you guys a rest?
Rest?
Yeah.
Okay. Grazie.
Thanks.
Wh-What else
have I taught you?
Break people's clavicles.
Chop block.
Tattoos are cool!
Don't remember that one.
Coffee is the lifeblood
that fuels
the dreams of champions.
Right. Hold on.
Whoo-hoo-hoo!
Way to go, Byong Sun!
All right. What else?
The most important
thing is winning.
No. No, no, no, no.
The most important thing
is... is having fun and
trying your best, all right?
So, let's get out there
and do everything
the opposite of
what I've taught you.
Sound like a plan?
Bring it in. Here we go.
Yes.
What are we gonna do?
Don't listen to Phil!
Take the field.
Here we go, guys. Have fun!
Down by one,
the Tigers have both Italians
sitting on the bench?
Odd move by
Coach Phil Weston.
Stop them, guys!
Goal, and the Tiger
goalie goes down hard!
Oh, my...
That's it.
That's the intensity I've
been looking for. That's it.
The Tiger goalie looks okay.
Hey, ref? Injury?
Time out?
Coach Weston is
taking no chances.
Time out.
Everyone with glasses.
Can I borrow your glasses?
Would you mind?
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
You look like
you need those.
Thank you.
Appreciate that.
You all right?
Yeah, I'm all right.
Just want to do a little
vision test here. All right?
Is that better
or worse?
Worse.
Better or worse?
Worse.
Better or worse?
Better!
Okay. Put those on.
Let's go, guys.
Okay. All right.
Come on.
Thanks.
He's okay.
Play resumes.
The Gladiators still
dominating the field.
Wow. An amazing save
by the Tiger goalie!
Yes!
That's my baby!
He stopped that goal.
Tigers with the ball.
Mark! Mark!
On the neck!
Yes!
Mark Avery kicks the ball up,
catches it on
the back of his neck.
Yes.
The rest of the Tigers are
forming some kind of wedge.
Break through.
Win the ball back!
Knock those clowns down.
Mark Avery leads the league
in the least amount of
time played.
Hey, keeper.
Ew!
Mmm.
Ambrose with
a powerhouse kick!
Yeah!
Yes!
Hunter, I'd give you a kiss
but you just ate a worm.
Yeah! Can you smell it?
Yeah! All right, Mark!
It's the smell
of victory, baby!
I love you, Dad!
See if you love me
at the end of the game.
Let's go, guys. Stay focused.
Every time you say
something back to me,
it makes me love you more!
I can't... I can't
believe this.
Hunter is tearing down
the field!
And he kicks
the ball to Jack.
Get over there!
Go, Hunter!
Jack takes
the ball into the corner.
Whoa! It's a little bit high.
Wait a second,
what's going on?
It's like they're forming
some sort of mega person.
Did everyone see that?
A header by Byong Sun from
Ambrose's shoulder for a goal.
Way to go, Bing Bong!
That's not legal.
Is that legal, ref?
Great hustle.
Gian Piero and Massimo.
You're back in.
Okay.
But remember,
share the ball.
Okay.
Team.
Right? Team.
Yeah. Good. Good, good.
Okay, guys.
The Italians are back in.
And Massimo steals the ball.
Less than
a minute left to play.
The Gladiators are
completely out of sync here.
And the ball goes
to Ambrose who fakes.
Watch it! It's a trap!
Stay with the Italians!
Come on, Sam!
You're gonna have to get
past old, uncle Bucky for this one.
Here's something
your dad never taught you.
Goal!
And you can
put it on the board.
That's the game!
Tigers win! Tigers win!
Way to go, guys!
Nice job, everyone!
Come on, honey!
Sammy!
Where did you learn
to move like that, Sam?
I practiced every time
you benched me.
Tigers! Tigers!
Great game, Bucky.
A hell of a game, bro.
I guess we really
got out-coached.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
And I'm serious.
I don't give
compliments lightly.
This is from the heart.
I'm not blowing
smoke up my butt.
I think you mean
smoke up my butt.
No. Dude,
just take the compliment.
You got it.
I'll see you later.
See you at the barbecue.
Good job.
Sorry, Grandpa.
What, are you kiddin' me?
If anyone's gonna beat me,
I'm glad it was you.
Great goal, Samson.
So, you're not mad?
The only thing
that makes me mad
is that I let you get away
from the Gladiators, okay?
I'll never be mad at you.
Never.
Burgers look good, right?
That one's dead.
This one needs
to be turned. Okay?
Looks good to me.
You'll learn.
Hey, Ditka!
Knock it off, would you?
Would you knock it off?
Dad, relax.
Here, I'll handle it.
Yeah.
I'll talk to him.
Hey, Buck.
Yeah?
Remember when we beat you
in the championship?
Yeah.
Remember when, uh, when
I shoved that kid in the pool?
Whoa!
Okay, Buck.
You got me good, buddy.
Yeah.
How do you want
your hamburger?
Well done. Thanks, Buck.
Okay. You got it.
Hey, coach!
Yeah?
Hey.
Hey.
Um, I don't know if you heard,
we won the championship.
Yeah, I heard.
Yeah.
Look, I just wanna say
I'm sorry for the way I acted.
Hey, let me
tell you something.
You were
a ravin' maniac.
Yes, I was.
I was a maniac.
Yeah, but I see you
changed your ways.
And man,
down the stretch,
you did one great job
of coaching those kids.
Thank you. It means a lot.
So, can I count on
you for next year?
No.
Okay. But you and I,
we're good?
We're good.
Good.
How about you
and your old man?
Better. Yeah.
Listen. I mean no disrespect
to you and your family.
But my job in life is
to make your dad's life
a living hell.
Hey, do what you gotta do.
I gotta do it.
I'm about to make
good on that Pel bet.
You wanna come
over and watch?
Yeah, I'd love to
but I gotta get
all these leaves over in
that yard before nightfall.
Right.
We had a bet.
You won fair and square.
Good job.
Yes.
Thank you.
I don't say this enough
but you really stepped up.
I'm proud of you, Son.
I appreciate that.
The real Pel ball.
Yep.
I'm actually
touching it.
Take good care of it.
That means an awful
lot to me, that ball.
It does,
doesn't it?
Yeah.
Here.
What?
You keep it.
No. You won fair and square.
It's yours now.
No.
You beat me, Philly.
Well, the Tigers
beat you.
I mean I had a good time
kicking your butt,
I'm not gonna lie,
but i-i-it's not
about winning.
I thought it was.
It's not.
About... About
you and me,
you know, the... the ball
is just a metaphor
about the distance
between us.
It's a soccer ball.
No, no, no, Dad.
L- I-It's not
about the ball.
It was never
about the ball.
I don't want the ball.
Then what do you want?
And now an important message
from the King.
Hi, I'm Buck Weston.
King of sporting goods.
And to make my stores
the best they can be,
I've teamed up with my son.
Hello,
I'm Phil Weston.
And I'm
the Prince of Vitamins.
Now, you can get all your
health supplement needs
at Buck and
Phil's Sports Kingdom.
At prices so low,
it'll blow your top.
Don't worry,
kind sir.
We've got
something for that, too.
See?
I do see,
Prince Phil.
Now in five
convenient locations.
I'm Buck Weston.
And I'm
Phil Weston.
And we've got balls.
And vitamins.
But mainly, balls.
And vitamins!
These guys
couldn't win a salad bowl,
let alone a Super Bowl.
Mike, I smell smoke.
Nobody's smokin'.
Besides,
I'm the king in this house
and I can do what I want.
Got you!
Okay, honey.
SkyFury