1
KING OF HEARTS
"October 1918.
The War is almost over.
The Germans retreat,
the Allies advance.
A small town in Northern France
awaits its liberation."
- Are the wires set yet?
- Everything's fine.
Hurry up.
Close it.
Hurry up.
Enter.
It's done, Colonel...
with not a moment to lose.
The enemy is near the river.
Shall I blow up the bridge?
Not yet.
First, we pull out of town.
The munitions?
How much is there?
But there's enough there
to blow up... the whole town.
The blockhouse and the whole town
will blow up...
when the English general
is sitting here...
where I am now.
You have an artistic clock,
Mr. Frenchman.
A very artistic clock!
Artistically the town will blow up.
The clock gives me an idea.
The knight strikes
at midnight, no?
It shall strike
for the last time!
Colonel, my ideology...
Later, Adolf. Later.
The knight strikes
at midnight.
- What is it?
- They're blowing it up!
- The Krauts!
- Blow up?
The town, the bridge,
everything.
We must pass the word.
Hurry, there's no time to lose.
Get out! The town
is going to explode!
"The mackerel likes frying.
The mackerel likes frying."
Germans blowing up
munitions dump...
tonight before midnight.
The knight strikes
at midnight!
The knight strikes
at midnight!
For God's sake,
don't enter the town!
SPQ to Mackerel, answer.
- They have cut off.
- Give to me, man.
Come in.
Sir.
"The mackerel likes frying."
The barber, of course.
The resistance.
"Germans blowing up
the munitions...
before midnight tomorrow.
Don't enter town...
for God's sake.
The knight strikes at midnight.
Impossible to--"
Stop! Halt!
And they have every intention
of blowing the whole thing sky-high.
The town and the bridge.
When?
We don't know,
but sometime before midnight tomorrow.
Now, gentlemen,
that bridge must not go up.
I don't care what it costs,
but we must save it.
Any delay in our advance
at this point...
will throw the whole operation
off schedule.
We simply can't have that.
What do you suggest?
Well, sir, I'd suggest we send in
one of our ordinance chaps.
Time-fuse specialist,
trained infiltrator...
French-speaking, all that.
Splendid.
Who do we have who speaks French?
There's Plumpick, sir.
Ornitholography specialist,
communications platoon, born in France.
Splendid.
Would you ask him to volunteer?
Would you, Captain?
Now, what's the matter, Little Fat?
You look depressed or something.
Are you jealous of Cucumber, there?
Well, listen.
I'm gonna read you something now.
Let me find you something
nice to read.
Here we go, now.
"Now, fair Hippolyta,
our nuptual hour draws on apace.
More happy days
bring in another moon.
But oh, me thinks,
how slow this--"
- Aye, sir.
- Report to the Colonel.
Private Plumpick, sir!
Private Charles Plumpick,
ornitholography specialist...
communications platoon,
headquarters company, reporting, sir.
- Splendid, Pumpernickel.
- Plumpick, sir.
Nickel, splendid.
Good of you to volunteer.
Brave lad.
Stand at ease.
Out!
I suppose you can read a map.
Your mission is quite simple.
Get into the town--
- You do speak French?
- Qui, sir.
Make contact with the local spies.
The town barber heads it.
Find the explosives
and disarm the fuse.
- It shouldn't take you long, what?
- No, sir. Yes, sir.
But I wonder, sir,
if you have the right Plumpick, sir.
You see, I'm an
ornitholography specialist, sir.
This calls for a specialist,
Pumpernickel.
- Plumpick, sir.
- Nickel.
You seem to pick your name out of a hat.
How good is your French?
Quite good, sir.
But you see it's the explosives, sir.
I wonder if perhaps one
of the chaps from ordinance...
may not do the job
just a wee bit better, sir.
Send two men in that inferno?
See here, man.
That town can go up at any moment.
You're asking me to risk the life
of two of my troops?
Why, blast it all?
The life of every one
of those men out there...
is dear to me as my own.
The men are aware of that, sir,
and we do appreciate it, sir.
That is leadership, lad.
Yes, sir.
But about the explosives, sir--
That will do, Pumpernickel.
Did you or did you not volunteer?
- Well, as a matter offact, sir--
- Then good. Let's get on with it.
We have no time to lose.
The town can go up at any moment.
Let's not forget that.
I don't think, sir, that I could
forget that if I tried, sir.
Well, let's get cracking, lad.
By the way, the password for your
contact with the barber fellow is...
"The mackerel likes frying."
Say, if you can find it,
what the devil do they mean by...
"The knight strikes
at midnight"?
French are so wordy.
Any questions?
- No, sir.
- Good.
But I wonder, sir,
if you do have the right Plumpick, sir.
You see, about the explosives--
A Scotsman!
Make way for the kings.
Chop, chop off
the woman's head.
- Your turn.
- Mine.
Where am I?
I'm the Duke of Clubs.
Monseigneur Daisy.
I'm the Duke of Clubs.
Monseigneur Daisy.
Come, my friend.
Tell them who you are.
King of Hearts!
- Your Majesty!
- Such an honor!
Let's go...they're all crazy!
Ladies and gentlemen,
the King is back at last!
I've never seen the King!
Long live the King!
Ah! Here it is!
Nice kitty!
Hey! Come on in, boys!
Madame, am I
a suitable husband for you?
And what do you think
of me?
- Are you the barber?
- Obviously.
Confidentially:
"The mackerel likes frying."
Obviously.
Good. I can breathe again!
Don't stop breathing,
or you won't live to be old.
- Good-bye.
- So nice of you to come.
- You pay customers?
- Yes. That's why business is good.
Okay, quick.
Where are the Germans?
I'll find out.
Any Germans here?
If you speak loudly,
no one listens...
No secrets here.
The knight strikes at midnight.
What does that mean?
This fashionable man is very strange!
- Where is the blockhouse?
- What is the blockhouse?
- Munitions!
- That's not my department!
For that, see the General.
- Where is he?
- Open your eyes and look for once.
Young man, have you seen the King?
- What king?
- The King of Hearts!
Now there, where were we?
Looking for someone?
Sit down.
Someone named the General.
Oh, the General! You can help me out.
I found my costume...
but not my character!
It's so obvious. I'm General Geranium!
What was I thinking?
Let's be brief.
"The mackerel likes frying."
I don't understand.
Neither do I. No one's listening.
Speak openly.
He won't blab.
"The knight strikes
at midnight"?
Ah, midnight,
the hour of crimes!
- We must prevent it!
- There's no time to waste.
Where are we going?
Behave, pussycats!
Papa will be right back.
You've left the door open!
He's so used to being caged,
he doesn't want to come out!
That's for him to decide.
The king of beasts.
Speaking of kings,
have you seen him?
He arrived last night;
a very handsome young man, I hear.
Listen, I'm fed up with all your antics
and double-talk!
I'm here for the blockhouse and
the knight, and I don't understand.
I don't either.
I'm not here
for cock-and-bull stories!
I'm too old
for cops and robbers!
- How old are you, young man?
- Look, I've had it with you!
- You're hurting me!
- Where is the blockhouse?
What's a blockhouse?
He's mad!
King of Hearts!
I'm the king of the fools!
I have to warn them!
Thank God you're still here!
Don't worry, it's me.
I just got some new clothes. That's all.
Now, one of you has got to take
a message to the Colonel.
Fine. You can decide between you.
From Charles Plumpick
to Headquarters.
Wrong town. Inhabitants odd.
Chimpanzee checkkmate.
Encountered single bear, two lions...
but no contact with Mackerel.
Little Fat, it's going to be you.
It is. It's going to be you. Yes.
Let me put this on your leg.
Your little leg because I don't
want to hurt you, you see.
That's right.
I forgot the most important!
Postscript:
Blockkhouse disappeared.
Good luck!
Carrier pigeon... shoot it!
Hurry, read it!
"From Charles Plumpick."
"Blockhouse disappeared."
Hamburger, take some men
and go see about it.
You men, come with me,
on the double!
Message from Plumpick, sir.
It's high time too.
"Difficulties: wrong town,
inhabitants odd...
encountered single bear
and two lions...
but unable
to make contact mackerel."
Gentlemen, I'm sure there's no real
reason to be needlessly alarmed...
but it would appear that the outcome
of this whole campaign...
is now in the hands
of a stark, raving lunatic!
Private Pumpernickel
has gone crackers!
Captain, will you find
three volunteers now?
- Men.
- Sir!
- I want you to leave immediately.
- Sir!
Stop! Come back here!
Where the devil
do you think you're going?
No idea, sir!
Look here. Here!
Come and find out.
- You're going after Pumpernickel!
- Sir!
Stop!
To disarm that blockhouse!
Pumpernickel.
Isn't that a German name?
A polka, Hyacinth!
Look... someone's here.
Got a light?
Buy me a drink?
What a big spender!
Want to know my name?
That's no answer!
My name is Hyacinth.
Shall I dress as a housewife,
a mummy or a nun?
You look fine this way.
Listen...sit down...
and don't move.
- Are you a whore?
- Yes!
- And I'm your customer?
- Yes!
Good. We understand each other.
Do you know what war is?
Surrounding the town...
there in the hills...
are people who want
to hurt you.
Go tell them I'm harmless.
It wouldn't work.
The town may blow up
any minute now...
I might not even get to finish
this sentence!
What a shame.
You have a nice voice.
Listen, that's just a pipe dream.
I'll tell you my secret.
I live in the moment.
- That's all that counts.
- You're right, but...
I'm not the girl for you, that's all.
I'll getyou someone else.
Girls!
Daffodil or Rosie,
Forget-me-not or Poppy.
The choice is yours.
Or maybe not.
There's no mistaking a look like that.
Unspoiled and beautiful.
I'm Poppy. And you?
Charles.
- Blush! Men go for that.
- Do I frighten him?
Sure. Men seem tough,
but they're soft as asparagus tips.
Teeny babies at heart.
- Come on... come in.
- Staying with us?
To teach you a thing or two about
the birds and the bees.
You don't know where to start?
Neither do I.
This is the bedroom.
The bed. The lamp. The switch.
I suggest starting in the dark,
then turn the light on.
Look at the object
of your desire carefully.
Turn the light off again. Love is
played like checkers, black and white.
- Will he get naked?
- Yes. Don't be nasty.
There's liquor to drink.
I've drawn the curtains.
I feel like I've always known you.
What would you like?
To lose my memory.
It's easy.
- What are you doing?
- Keyhole-peeping. Shut the door.
The King of Hearts!
What are you doing here, sir?
Love has brought
the King back to us!
All aboard, your Majesty.
This way, everyone.
The Duke is very emotional.
I once saw him cry
when a fly died. A fly!
At Waterloo, in '1 5.
He's still crying.
Cousin, you're back at last!
But what a state!
Quick!
A shirt and a sandwich!
Melons and a hat!
Stockings!
The Duchess, my wife.
An old bat.
Her feet are always cold.
But I've loved her
for more than 60 years.
Sire, here are my children.
Blow your nose.
Comb your hair.
- Where's Baby?
- There, Mommy!
Alberic, what do you say?
- Long live the King!
- Right.
- Some candy?
- Excuse me, it's a souvenir.
You must rest
before the coronation.
Well, the dromedary is harnessed. You
know how impatient these animals are.
See foryourself.
- Where are we going?
- To the cathedral.
1 2th century. A bit restored, like my
wife. But I love her, and you will, too.
Little rascal!
I'll tan your behind!
Will you be still?
It's the greatest day
of my life.
I've always wanted
the cheers of a nation...
seated next to the handsomest man.
Don't exaggerate.
But I must!
Without it there's nothing!
Everyone here is so happy,
and I've come to break up their party.
These flowers, your friends,
this kindness--
They will all die, and there's nothing
I can do about it.
A real king can do anything.
Maybe, but not me.
Time flies.
Everything will blow up,
as sure as my name is Charles.
Look! Soldiers!
Greetings.
Your missal. Your rosary.
Where has Alberic gone to?
Back there in the sacristy.
He's always into everything!
That's fine, darling.
What is this carnival?
Take those hats off!
What a mess!
To the blockhouse!
Sire, allow me to make a comment
about all this.
Your mind is obviously somewhere else.
This is a sacred moment...
and you're fidgeting!
Do you have to pee?
So, what's the matter? Smile!
I'm scared.
You don't like theater?
What theater?
World theater.
Training school.
The Comedie Francaise, the Vatican.
Ceremonials, masquerades!
Smile. Smile!
The crown. The crown?
Nobody has the crown?
Sire, do you have a crown on you?
No, but I'll go look for one.
Company, halt!
What is this nonsense?
Hurry up, and clear this away.
- Everything's set right?
- Yes, sir.
Who's over there?
Stop!
Long live the King!
Damn! Here we go again!
You needn't have bothered, Sire.
We have found a crown.
Drat! I've got a frog in my throat
from all the stinking smoke!
Thank you.
We've done something fine.
Long live the King!
Long live the King of Hearts!
We want a speech!
He's so beautiful!
My dear flock. Ladies. Citizens.
Life is a valley of tears.
We enter this world with a cry...
and we leave with a sigh.
And do you think it pleases God to see
His creatures crying all the day long?
In truth I tell you, our kingdom...
His kingdom--is Joy.
The Arab in his desert
carries with him...
his fountains and Heaven--
Heaven...is the empire
of the prisoner behind bars.
Give me the ball!
Stop!
- My respect, Admiral.
- Enter, gentlemen.
What a splendid machine.
You must get off some nice shots
with this, huh?
- How about a little ride?
- I would be delighted.
The fish in the pond, the bird
in the bush, the lamb in his wool...
friends in our thoughts...
and ourselves-- in ourvoices...
Like the scent of the rose.
That is grammar and the Law.
We have decided to be happy...
and nothing can stop us!
- Quiet!
- Amen.
What...? Show me!
Block the exits!
We're saved!
I found the blockhouse!
The enemy has fled!
Long live the King!
Long live my people!
Everyone to the the Throne Room...
to start a celebration
that will last three years!
The Republic is proud to give you
this bicycle as a present.
You can pedal among the people...
incognito!
To the side, ladies.
You look dreadful in daylight.
Go home.
Long live the General!
Long live Mr. Marcel!
It's Plumpick.
Come on, lads.
Ho-ho, chaps.
Oh, gosh, am I glad to see you!
Hey, there was a general
in the ladies' hairdresser.
They're as gentle as lambs.
There's nothing to fear.
This bicycle--
it was a gift from the court.
You'll be happy to know
I found the blockhouse again.
Meaning it was previously lost,
I suppose.
Yes, it was simply covered
with flowers for my coronation.
- Your coronation?
- Yes, my coronation!
Look, there's no time to lose. The
whole thing might blow up at any moment.
No door.
There's got to be a way out!
Yes, yes, grab him.
Come on!
What the hell you trying to do?
I can find it. I'm sure I can.
This way, lads.
Come on. Hurry up.
Let's go on with it.
Wake me up.
Once more.
Good.
Let's get out of here.
- Is he dead?
- Just sleeping.
Exhausted by the coronation.
Carry him gently.
He tastes of raspberries... Taste!
Ripe raspberries.
The way I like them.
I wouldn't mind seeing
the Duke cuckolded.
- Cuckolded? Who?
- Nobody, dear.
We need a cuckold for the sake
of the town's equilibrium.
We don't have one.
We share and share alike.
- He must come back to us very gently.
- He must wake up happy.
I like men
who wake up happy.
I have an idea.
Listen. What do you hear?
The charming tick-tock
of your heart, sweetie.
A beating heart.
A secret clock.
A heart whose beating
will blend...
with the heart of our king.
A woman is what he needs!
A woman of his own.
- Where can we get one?
- I sacrifice myself.
- Good girl!
- Generous soul!
Who's talking about soul?
No dirty words, my son.
The Duchess's buttocks
belong to the Duke.
Don't I belong to everyone?
Impossible, honey!
Who'd run your house?
Do I look like a madame?
I'm foolish! I know whom he needs,
and he loves her too!
- Where is she?
- My place.
- The brothel?
- Let's go, on the double!
Calm down, men. This is not state
business; it's women's business.
Good afternoon, Your Grace!
Where is Poppy?
The Duchess has a favor
to ask of you.
A pearl.
Innocent as an apple.
Please follow me.
Don't undress, child.
We're not here for that, dear.
Tell me, do you know men?
No, but I'd like to.
- That's why you came here?
- Yes.
I've a good chance
of finding one.
- Who told you that?
- My little finger.
- You haven't seen anyone else?
- No.
She's the one we need.
Look at these curls!
She'll have to stick out
her chest more.
Head still.
Only the legs move.
Some blue on the eyelids.
An orange blossom in her bosom.
- Can't I go as I am?
- What a good idea!
To your fiance, the King!
Calm down, ladies. When you want a man,
you mustn't be obvious.
- We're just so pleased.
- Your coat.
Just my tutu.
It's my favorite outfit.
- You're going out like that?
- Yes, on a wire.
The King's marrying an acrobat!
Gentlemen, let's tiptoe out.
Who are you?
Poppy. Your fiancee.
Oh, yes. That's right.
- I don't need anybody.
- That's not true.
I'm a loner, like everybody,
with one idea.
To marry me!
How did you get in?
Through the window.
We're getting married.
I might have known.
It's starting again.
Yes, everything's starting.
I'm a little naive...
because, well...
I don't know.
I don't know.
But we'll make up
for lost time.
Lost time! What time is it?
6:00!
There's got to be a way out!
There's got to be!
This is madness!
I can't let it happen!
I've got to get in there!
I've got to!
Now we'll see some sparks fly!
Or we'll know the reason why!
I can't take it anymore!
Why?
Don't applaud, you fools!
I'll be blown up!
Do you know what dying means?
Do you have any idea?
No.
Listen. The enemy--
- Where is he?
- My army will charge.
No, I'll speak to him!
I doubt it, but no matter.
Listen. There are bombs
wired here.
Time bombs.
Before midnight,
in a little while...
a spark-- explosion!
It's all over!
Who cares?
I do!
If you need to examine
all the tick-tocks, we'll get them.
What are you doing?
This is the last one, I assure you.
- Leave it.
- Is that an order?
- It's my royal pleasure.
- Well, in that case...
At last, you're laughing!
It's just nerves.
Your Majesty, your balloon.
You can keep these balloons!
I burst his balloon,
and he claps!
What characters!
I can't let you die.
Come on.
I'll take you all with me!
- To the sea?
- No, to the snow.
To a candy store?
On vacation? Is it far?
Yes, very far.
We'll pass the lines,
then take a train, a boat--
- To an island?
- To the other side of the sea.
- On horseback?
- Yes. Follow me!
Here's the King's horse!
Don't leave me all alone!
Come along.
Follow me.
Sir, come back.
There are wild beasts!
Can't you hear them?
They're blood thirsty.
You must come with me.
There's a wall between us
and the world out there.
It's too dangerous.
Come on, for the last time!
Charles!
You have no idea how wicked
they are out there!
He's come back!
Look. There he is.
Sire, what's the point of traveling
when everything you want is at home?
Long live the King
on my word as a duke.
Duke?
Who made you a duke?
Who made you a king?
Brother, yesterday
you were in an asylum!
Are you jealous?
And you, Mr. King, yesterday...
you were outside
with "the others."
Gentlemen, the King's polka.
Brilliant idea!
A polka for a king.
What's wrong? We didn't
say anything offensive.
Who needs a king?
- We're all equal!
- You and your communist ideas!
- Tempers.
- Enough!
You're right, sweetheart.
Let's calm down.
Marie, everything is simple,
even dying.
How?
Just close your eyes
and never open them again.
But if I shut my eyes...
I can no longer see
trees or flowers...
or your lovely moustache.
I love its prickly caress.
Was I born for a love duet?
Yes. We've been cuddling
for 110 years!
We've been together
for quite some time.
What a gracious hour, Your Grace.
You know why I've been
coming up here...
every evening since...
My God, I was so young!
I already knew that
to love the world...
you have to get away from it.
Have you ever noticed, Hyacinth...
how peaceful it all is...
on the eve of a battle?
How sweet it all seems?
How it rests our conscience?
- Going to war?
- I'm thinking of it.
What army will lead you to victories?
There's the rub!
Make your own army!
How?
We'll make babies foryou!
A battalion of sturdy boys!
- Make generals.
- And a batch of pretty girls.
All in brothels,
like their mamas!
The world's so simple. On one side men,
and on the other side women.
On one side, the whores.
On the other, the generals!
You're right. Life is simple.
Three minutes until 12:00.
In three minutes, it'll be over.
I don't want to die.
No one's ever known his own death.
There are only three minutes to live.
Three minutes is great.
You're right.
You'll see the knight come out.
The knight comes out at midnight.
- Where?
- Up there.
On the clock. At midnight.
The password!
Saved!
We are saved!
Good work, men.
I've done these sorts
of things before.
Long live the Queen!
Midnight?
Good show.
Pumpernickel pulled it off.
The man's a hero.
The town is ours.
Any more of your drunken ravings,
MacFish, and I'll have you locked up.
- Be thankful I'm in a good mood, man.
- Sir!
- Forward, Sergeant Major!
- Sir!
Company, prepare to fall in!
Fall in!
Five minutes after midnight!
Five minutes late!
Nothing went off, Hamburger!
- You checked the bombs?
- Yes, sir!
Sorry.
Lieutenant!
Take him away!
Retreat!
Retreat!
I want to make love.
With a king?
You're not afraid?
You must be marvelous.
Tell me later.
The soldiers!
Good show, Pumpernickel.
First rate. Jolly good.
Yes. Sir, I couldn't have done it
without them, sir.
I must say, how fiendishly clever.
That bit about the chimpanzee.
I was worried that the townspeople
are a wee bit on the--
Love to see the Jerry's face
who intercepted that messenger, eh?
Surely, sir, the men you sent
after me must have told you that--
You think I'd listen to anything
that dipsomaniac has to say?
- MacFish!
- Yes, sir!
We'll bivouac here.
- Here, sir?
- Yes.
The Duke, the Duchess, my wife.
An old bat, but I love her.
I'd love to curl myself
around that cute moustache!
- Sir, I really must explain to you--
- Later, please, Pumpernickel. Later.
Pleased to meet you, General.
Long live France!
- Let's celebrate!
- I don't have the time.
Don't waste it.
MacFish! Overnight pass
for all the troops, Sergeant Major!
Give me a moment to change
into decent clothes.
Sir, I must explain to you.
Later, Pumpernickel, later.
I'm too busy listening to the music.
What's under their kilts?
Nothing!
You mean everything!
This is the greatest day of my life!
I'd like fireworks!
- MacFish.
- Yes, sir!
- You heard the lady.
- No, sir!
- We would like a display of fireworks.
- What shall I use for fireworks, sir?
Cannon, mortar, powder.
Good heaven, man.
I have to do all your thinking for you?
Look, Colonel!
Victory! The town has blown up!
Everyone is dead!
Yes, but Hamburger is, too.
The Iron Cross is precious.
Even posthumously.
My life is at your feet.
What would you like?
Another ice cream,
a pretty ring...
and a parade.
Here's the parade.
In any case,
it's time to leave.
- Fall the company in.
- Sir!
Company, fall in!
On the double!
Plumpick, fall in behind the church.
I'll be waiting at Hyacinth's brothel.
Don't be afraid. I'll return
covered with medals.
Hurry up, Plumpick.
Good-bye, Poppy!
Make way for the parade!
Company, shoulder arms!
The King is going to war.
You're letting him go?
Yes, he's going to get medals!
What next?
Say good-bye to His Majesty.
Let's kiss him and bring him
to the parade!
Company, forward march!
Let me go! I have to leave.
- More of them!
- All over the place, like rats!
They act like
they don't know each other.
Of course not...
they're foreign regiments.
- No umbrellas?
- The last bouquet!
Clear out, or you'll all get it!
Fire!
Surrender!
Never!
Don't you think these actors are
a bit over the top?
What funny people.
Thousands of soldiers,
cannons...
autos, coming from
every direction.
What on earth can it be?
The "liberators."
This joke has lasted long enough.
Let's go to bed.
Your Majesty, we leave you
with your people.
Good-bye, Charles.
Come. Let's go home.
General, my town kept faith.
You are receiving an army citation.
Your bird too.
An A-1 winged creature.
Rare bird and soldier.
Brave and astute.
You pulverized your enemy.
Good job.
And I would like...
to add my own embrace
to that...
which the president
of the Republic sends you.
Plumpick, you're going up
to the front again immediately.
The Jerries are still holding on
to this town...
and we're going to blow it sky-high.
What now?
- It's your turn, Your Majesty.
- I still don't understand the rules.
There aren't any.
Well, you're here now.
And you won't be running off anymore.
I'm staying here, General.
- I'm not going anywhere.
- Smart thinking.
The most beautiful journeys...
are taken through the window.