Do you want to go in first?
I want to film their reaction.
Everybody, Pippa's here!
- Oh, Mummy.
- Is she staying here?
- Yes.
- New baby sister.
My dad used to think Pippa was
what finally completed the whole family.
He was like, "Seven colors of the rainbow,
seven wonders of the world..."
He just had it fixated in his head
that Pippa was lucky.
- Is she really at home?
- She's at home now, forever.
We are going to take care of you so much.
Happy birthday to you
Is there anything you want to say,
before I turn the camera off, Jamie?
- Well, I'd like to ask you something.
- Is there anything you'd like to say?
- Oh, that's good.
- Okay?
I like that. That's good initiative.
- Right.
- Right.
- I'm gonna ask you to...
- Let me see you on the screen, Jamie.
What I'm doing, Jamie,
is I've recorded you
on your fourth birthday,
fifth, sixth and now
your seventh tomorrow.
This is like a little diary for you
when you're older.
And I hope you'll be pleased with Daddy.
You look beautiful, sweetheart.
I love that this is my home
and I grew up here.
We are all so close.
Give us a nice smile,
Kacie.
Everyone's kind of weird.
There's no such thing as normal.
- Cheese.
- Cheese.
Mirie is the best twin ever.
So is Lorie,
but in a different way.
Oh, doesn't she look gorgeous.
We're a handful.
I admire Mum for sticking around
and not leaving us.
We genuinely have
the best family in the world.
Give us a smile.
You see programs,
it's one big happy family.
That's only on programs.
There's seven of you,
we live in a wonderful house...
have a wonderful time...
and you have all got a very bright future.
Hi, Lorie in the future,
Jamie in the future...
And everyone in the future.
I think
we're all so used to saying...
For six years,
we've been saying we're okay.
But there are some days
that I'm like, "It's not okay.
I'm not fine about what happened."
- Hello, Mummy.
- Hello, Daddy.
Oh.
Jamie, come here
with Daddy now, please.
Please. Quickly, 'cause he's driving up.
How about we have,
like, a ceremony?
- Around the caravan?
- No, but do you know what I mean...
- I didn't mean...
- I wasn't being sarcastic.
We could all make our peace with
the caravan and say goodbye to it nicely.
I personally feel as though we've all
moved on in our lives far enough,
that it can go.
- Don't you agree?
- The Atlas.
- The Atlas, darling.
- Mum, this is one of those,
"I'm only 13."
But it's just sitting there.
It's going to get to the point
where it'll just be completely derelict.
- Mum, can I suggest something?
- Yes, darling.
There was, um, this Buddhist idea
that if you imagine all your beloved
belongings being broken and gone,
when it actually goes, it's not as sad.
Because you've already accepted the fact
that it's broken.
Okay, that's not true.
So, why don't you imagine that it's gone,
imagine that tomorrow
they're taking it away,
and imagine it's gone,
and see if you can deal with that.
- I would personally feel like...
- Have you ever tried it?
I would feel like a weight had been
partially lifted off my shoulders
with the Atlas.
I know that sounds really bad,
but I used to look out there,
and if I saw all the lights on,
I'd be crapping myself.
I would feel like
we were giving up.
I'd feel like we'd be just accepting
that he's gone.
- And I just... Mum, stop...
- Do you not feel...
- Let me finish!
- Sorry.
You got to remember that
there's eight of us,
and we are all in different stages.
We're not moving forward together.
I do not feel that if we got rid of it,
it would help me to move on.
I feel that it would mean that actually...
If Dad... I know it sounds stupid,
but if Dad did come back,
he would have nowhere to stay.
When you first met Dad,
did you realize he was the way he was?
I just thought he was very, um...
organized.
- Was he handsome?
- And very... He was handsome, yeah.
- He was good fun.
- Why did Dad write everything down?
Some days, he'd write nothing,
and other days, he'd write 20 pages.
Would it be one extreme or the other?
Would it ever be about five pages?
Or was it none or 20?
No, it was one extreme or the other.
- So, could he never be...
- Moderate.
You know when you're not
quite happy or you're sad?
He could never be in between?
No, he was always one end or the other.
Which was most common?
When we first met,
probably the happier end.
- And then did it get worse over time?
- Yeah.
Gradually, over time, it switched.
How long did it take you to notice
that he was getting worse?
I think I realized how bad it was getting
around the time Pippa was born.
But before then, you couldn't really
notice that he was getting worse?
Is it as bad as you thought it was?
- You see where the door is there?
- Yeah.
If you step too close to it,
you can almost fall through.
- The floor is almost breaking.
- Yeah. I don't know.
- I think it's...
- No one could live in here either.
We're not saying
we want to live in here.
Pippi, look.
Yeah? Mum, anything is going to break
if you snap it like that.
No, Pippi, it's not.
Oh, Mum, we can't get rid of this.
You're imagining that it's nice.
If we fixed it up a little bit,
I will come up here almost every day.
- What would you do here?
- And do what?
Homework? Be on my own? I don't know,
Niki used to write songs in here.
- Right, Pipsy.
- Yeah?
I feel like my dad was just...
He wasn't real,
he was just someone I made up.
- Pipsy, hello.
- Hello.
I don't actually have any memories of him.
I've just heard stories.
And I have made memories,
that I wasn't actually there.
Let's see.
I am trying to work out these chords
to play on the piano
so I can do my dad's song.
This song is called "A Perfect World."
And it's beautiful.
I think it's because...
my dad had an idea
of what a perfect world would be.
And I think that at one point
he had that with my mum.
The song's about my mum.
It restores my faith in love
and happiness.
It's really nice.
Fall in love with you
Like the beauty in a bird song
A song for you
In a perfect world
The story is told
That a boy meets a girl
Here we go. There's the chickens.
What a joy.
They're an absolute joy, they are.
The birds are in full song as usual.
What exciting times,
creating a beautiful garden...
giving the children a safe environment.
Kacie, are you excited
about your first day of school?
Good. I hope you have a lovely day.
God, not only are they coping,
they've videoed the whole bloody thing.
Oh, look at that! Aw.
I remember when we were younger,
we used to put on shows and stuff
for Mum and Dad.
We used to put up posters,
"Show tonight at 5:00."
- Hello and welcome to today's show.
- Aw.
Dad used to go around the table
and say what he thought
everyone would be doing
when we've grown up.
He always said I was good with a rhythm.
Did Dad want Osborn
to be an astronaut?
Daddy, wave at the camera
and say, "Yes."
Yes.
I'd like to thank my dad
with all my heart.
And the work that he's done.
I mean, look.
Right now,
I'm walking on the most brilliant mud.
My dad is the best dad
in the whole wold.
Tell you what,
most kids don't have a dad like mine.
I'm so lucky.
When Mum told us,
you don't know how to take it.
You just scream.
The way that the death happened
wasn't an accident.
It was, like, his choice.
It might've been a cry for help,
which makes me really sad.
'Cause I can just imagine him,
being sat down there...
I've constantly gone through
the what-ifs that day.
What if I could have run into the woods,
maybe tried to find him?
There was a banging at the door.
It was the police.
They said, "We just had a call
from your husband
saying he was going to kill himself."
- I saw helicopters going around...
- Police vehicles arriving...
...ambulances...
I remember
the helicopter flying off.
He cut his left wrist
and his throat.
I was 16. Pippa was six years old.
We've all got
such different memories.
What can we know,
that day how Dad killed himself?
Of course our brains are going to
make funny stories and make things up.
How can someone
just stop being there?
How can my dad just not be?
It was almost like
we weren't worth living for.
If your own dad
doesn't want to stick around...
then you can't be that great of a person.
I couldn't imagine any days
coming after that day.
I felt like we were just gonna be
frozen in time there.
Forever.
For years after he died,
I always thought it was probably a joke.
That he's not actually gone,
he was just pretending.
And that he'll still come back one day.
Like, sometimes I swear I see him
in the street,
and I think, "God, is that Dad?"
I don't wish for him to come back now,
'cause I know it's not gonna happen.
But I used to wish all the time that...
he'd come back, or like...
Actually I do still wish.
I do.
I sometimes pray at night that he'll
come in my dreams or something.
Or that he'll...
Just 'cause there's so many things
I want to ask him. And, like...
that I just want to hug him again
and hold his hand.
But I can't.
If he was here now,
what would you ask him?
Um...
I'd ask him to sing my song.
That he wrote.
Nikita?
Are you helping Mummy
make the evening meal?
I didn't always understand
what was going on when I was younger.
I think it's part of my autism.
So when people would talk to me,
I'd have to act like I knew
what I was saying...
and in my head, I was screaming.
It all just sounded like a big slur.
Give me a really big smile, Lorie.
I want to show Mummy and Daddy this.
Oh, Lorie, please give me smile.
I want to show Mummy and Daddy.
I know how to portray anger,
sadness, depressed, laughter, ecstatic...
But I don't know how to read them.
Nikita and Lorie, Pippa and
Osborn have been diagnosed with it.
- Um, my youngest sister.
- I'm six years old.
My birthday is...
It's like trying to
thread an eye of a needle,
but with really blurry glasses on.
You want to do something so bad,
but you just can't do it
'cause there's something holding you back.
Right, Mirie. Give me a smile.
People look at me and say,
"Um, you don't act autistic."
Well, a lot of the time
I'm trying to just be normal.
- What was that band called?
- Ozzy, stop!
Someday, somebody's gonna make you wanna
Turn around and say goodbye
Why don't you just let it
come naturally when you sing?
- Ozzy...
- Stop it!
Ozzy, are you doing this thing or not? No!
You wanted to be in it? No!
Are you going to be a performer? No!
Are you a scientist? Maybe! Shut up!
- Osborn? Ozzy? Ozzy?
- You know I'm right.
Listen, you do not spend
three and a half minutes on stage
just doing this...
No, you don't have to do that.
You can move around, walk around.
Okay, let's bump into each other, then.
- But that doesn't look natural.
- Osborn!
It's just some choreography!
Every performance you watch
is choreographed!
I had just taken a phone call from work!
Breathe in...
Don't breathe on me.
- Pippa, please.
- Sorry.
Just take some deep breaths
and calm down a bit.
I'm cleaning my room...
because, um, my mum thinks that I have to.
But I think otherwise.
I think that it doesn't actually matter
because one day I'm going to die.
And when I die, it won't matter.
So it shouldn't really matter now.
Recently, I've been thinking about
what actually matters
and what's important.
And I think the only important thing
is being happy.
Nik, how often a week would you say
you paint your nails for?
People don't like thinking about death.
And that's probably why people end up
doing things they don't want to do,
because they think
that they'll live forever.
And they sort of push death aside
'cause it's taboo.
But it's got to be spoken about.
I'm holding this right now,
but I'm gonna put it down in a second.
And then the time when I was holding it
will be in the past.
And that was only a couple of seconds ago.
But it's not...
it's not happening anymore.
And now, it was here and now it's there.
But it was in my hand
and it felt like the present...
but it didn't because I knew
that soon it would be down there.
And now I've picked it up again.
And when it was down there,
it feels like the past, straight away.
And I think that's quite unusual,
because you never really feel
time moving on
until something happens
or until something changes.
I feel like
we're always living in the past
because the last time we'll ever feel
in the present is just as we're dying.
And although right now
I still have my future...
when it's over,
everything will be the past.
I feel like that's our life.
Our life will always be in the past.
Even if something bad happens on a day,
I manage to stay happy.
Because once it's happened,
it's gone and it's in the past.
Yes, I know. I'm just stressed
because I can't stand the house anymore.
- Let's all do it.
- Yeah!
Don't stand there moaning at me,
just do it.
And you've been moaning in there
about that moldy cake.
Fruit decomposes,
cake does not decompose.
It goes moldy.
Ozzy,
it won't decompose on the tarmac.
It will decompose anywhere, actually.
- Have you seen the lobby?
- Yes.
Oh, my God. Whose shoe?
Does anyone wear this?
How would I know
who one shoe belongs to?
Would you want to go back to living
with bare walls and no more Internet?
- No, but we've gone to the other extreme.
- Yes, we have.
We went from having nothing
to having too much.
And now we can barely breathe.
Like, do we need
that many boxes of cereal?
How many of those
do you reckon are stale?
And can't be eaten anyway.
None of them are, actually.
I just want you to start listening to me
and doing something.
And I'll help you. I've said that.
Will you start listening to me?
I've tried listening to you, Mum.
Kacie, will you start listening to me
when I say I need you to pay for your car,
I need you to pay rent?
Yes.
- Will you?
- Yes.
Because you don't.
You're quick to attack me.
I'm not attacking you.
I want to help you.
It's not doing any of you
any good living like this.
It feels like a parallel universe,
before he died.
This sounds pathetic,
but we didn't have furniture.
And the walls were all the same color.
He didn't like clutter
and he didn't like
things being in the house.
So he boxed everything up
and put them in containers.
It was all kind of sentimental.
The containers have gone.
Big empty space.
Oh, my God. Looks about...
Looks really weird, you know.
Feels weird.
Dad, can you tell us how you feel?
Dad, tell us how you feel.
I feel you have to accept things
like this... Um...
And it's time to move to a different
chapter and get the barns organized.
Very, very well said.
There's the barns.
When he died,
all the boxes got dropped off here again.
I am now gonna ask
three of my sisters
to perform a show.
They are each gonna do something
different, but it is gonna be funny.
Please welcome, Mirie Shanks.
She's going to do
her famous dancing.
I have an idea that we can maybe
promote everything that you do
on my YouTube channel.
In that case, you can make
a piece of clothing and I can wear it.
I said to Nikita and Pippa,
maybe all three of us could find a tune...
There's a song that
all three of us have written.
And I'm really bad at writing, so...
'Cause I'd be just be thinking
of the song. I wouldn't be writing.
Your father used to write, um...
He used to play the guitar...
and find something
he liked the sound of, musically.
And then write words to it
and then do a bit more.
So he would sort of piece them together
as he went along.
I'm not very good at writing.
I just always say the same thing.
So that's why I asked Nikita
and Pippa to help me.
There's power in being together.
This is why I keep telling you
to develop an act as a group.
I'd rather be by myself.
Be on my own and then do, maybe,
a few great pieces to put on it.
Okay. I just think you've all got more...
a greater chance of success together.
So you don't think we could all make it
on our own?
No, I think you can all make it
on your own.
I think it would be 100 times easier
if you made it as a group first.
- Say Cuckoo
- Cuckoo
Cuckoo
- Regretfully they tell us
- Cuckoo
- But firmly they compel us
- Cuckoo
- To say goodbye...
- Cuckoo
To you
You know how Dad used to always play
a song every morning at six o'clock?
Please, no one say,
"You shouldn't feel like that, Pippa."
But I feel stupid now
because I didn't know that.
No, no, no, no, no. It's okay.
You've heard of Stevie Wonder.
You've heard us play it, haven't you?
For your love
I would do anything
Just to see the smile upon your face
For your love
I would go anywhere
Just you tell me
And I'll be right there
Okay, Pippa looks like
she's about to cry so I'm just gonna...
- No, I'm okay.
- No, I love this song. I love it.
Pippa, think about the positives.
Jamie, I can't. It's not just...
My Internet's gone.
But I've got it on my phone.
It's like, it's certain music and films,
Jamie, bring back bad memories.
And, you know, that's okay.
Okay, ready?
Losing my dad
completely broke my heart.
He was my best friend and my worst enemy,
all at the same time.
He was funny.
He always used to make my mum laugh.
He was caring, but there were days where
the sun could be shining
and there wouldn't be a cloud in the sky,
but it just felt like the gloomiest,
saddest, most tense-filled day.
Dad, smile.
He... he was a scary person.
There's Daddy.
But he was nice as well.
I don't know. He was weird.
He was hard to understand.
When he was in a bad mood,
he just wouldn't talk,
and he'd go write in his diary.
I mean, I haven't read it in much detail.
I haven't even read his suicide note,
but I'd like to.
It was always getting in the car
after school,
and being like, "Mum,
is Dad in a good mood or a bad mood?"
'Cause that meant when we got home...
that he'd sit us all down
and give us a rant for about four hours.
I'd end up falling asleep on the floor
and then going to bed
at 1:00 in the morning.
Please give me that. Sorry, Lorie.
I'm trying to talk on camera to you all
so that...
I wanted what I wanted to say
to you to be on camera, on tape,
so you'll know in the future how I was
thinking and feeling about everything.
You've got to work out
how to run your life...
so that I can do what I've got to do.
Jamie is at the most impressionable age
that she's been at
since she has been alive.
I'd like two people
to be the most influential,
and I want it to be me and Mummy.
I don't want it to be other people
who I don't know,
and I don't know what they're saying
and I don't know
how they're making Jamie think.
My dad use to have a tendency
to, um, keep me up late.
And then obviously,
when it reached a point
that I used to stay up late
in order to be able to hear him.
Sort of hear whether or not
he was in the house,
whether he was back
or whether he was gonna come upstairs...
and have a go at me
for some unknown, bizarre reason.
There was a lot of occasions
that I would be...
forced to look in the mirror
that used to hang 'round the corner.
And he would hold my face.
And he'd tell me
that I looked like a crack whore.
I genuinely hate the sight of myself
when I have no makeup on.
Euro money?
"I would like to take you to France
at the end of July.
Happy birthday. Love, Dad.
I have booked us a week's holiday
in France."
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Dad!
I'm going to France. I'm going to France.
- Dad...
- I'm going to France!
If I'm honest, I was absolutely petrified.
We were driving this one night in
the middle of the countryside in France,
and I mean the middle of nowhere.
All of a sudden, my dad stopped the car
down this pitch black country lane.
Suddenly, in that moment, I was like,
"Oh, my God. What is about to happen?"
And he said, "Get out of the car."
And he walked me
about 20 yards down the road.
And just all of a sudden...
he just said, "Look up."
I've never seen so many stars
in all my life.
It was like somebody had just
thrown glitter across the sky.
My dad got us to lay down
on the middle of this road...
and we lay there
and just looked up at all these stars.
Just that 10 to 15 minutes that I got
where we were like a father and daughter.
Because of the way Dad was,
we weren't very exposed.
I think he wanted us all to be perfect
and he thought
if weren't, you know, "out in the wild,"
if you like,
then we could become that way.
Nikita, are you gonna get in?
We were all going to grow up anyway.
So he couldn't have kept us
that way forever.
I think he realized that.
You know,
these are old cassette tapes,
but I don't know what's on them all,
so are you sure
you all want to watch this?
- Yeah.
- You sure?
Yeah.
Even though
it's possibly gonna be upsetting?
- Yeah?
- Yes.
Is it gonna be really blurry?
I don't know
'cause they're old and...
They're very old cassettes,
so I don't know.
That one there. That's Dad.
- Yeah, that's Dad, yeah.
- That's him with the children?
Oh, that's me, fat.
Okay, Jamie,
Daddy would like to talk to you
for a minute.
Now, it's a year since I interviewed you.
Because it's my birthday tomorrow.
- That's it.
- And I'll be five.
Yeah, it's a whole year since
we had this little chat, didn't we?
- On video.
- Yeah.
- Would you say you're a happy girl?
- Yes, I am happy.
- Do you like your life?
- Yes.
Well, I've written this one
just for you, for your birthday.
Yeah.
Would you like me to sing it to you now?
Would you?
Yes.
Okay.
Jamie-Jo, I love you so
You're magic, little girl
You've brightened up this world
With your tenderness
Your thoughtfulness
Your special ways and the happy days
You give me, little girl
A star can shine
A rose can bloom
And the waves
Keep rolling to the shore
Oh.
I don't know. It's...
I don't know his real...
Like, I imagined it, like, deeper.
I didn't know he had an accent.
- It's really weird.
- Yeah.
I didn't know he had an accent.
It's hard to remember voices.
It's so hard to remember voices.
He laughed a lot.
Oh.
I'm going to go
and take the camera off Mummy
and then we're going to say goodbye
to the camera until next year.
Okay. Chop-chop.
No, it's a wee thing.
What are you thinking, Osborn?
The shed is full of shit.
Too much stuff in here
for one family to deal with.
Things that shouldn't have
the sentimental value do, and it's...
It makes throwing things away
a big hoo-ha.
The past Shanks family made a very big
problem for the future Shanks family.
It's like we didn't care about us.
That's a metaphor
for our mentality tonight.
Just pushing all of our crap aside
for a few days.
Mum, we need a pile in that corner
of electrical appliances.
Do you really want to keep it?
- Mum, Mum.
- Yeah, Mirie and I were talking...
Do you not remember we got the black one.
That one wasn't working.
- Have we?
- Yeah, we got the black one.
- What's this?
- Textiles.
Look at Lorie.
- Oh, what is that?
- Are you gonna put those inside?
I found Dad!
That's where he's been
for the past years.
- You silly man.
- He's covered in poop.
Wait, who did we bury then?
Ah! Holy crap!
- What?
- This is the box I'm thinking of.
But these are all cassettes.
But there aren't any videos in there.
Yeah, but they're Dad's songs,
aren't they?
I hope there's "A Perfect World" on here.
- Oh, there will be.
- Really?
Yeah, I'm sure there will be.
Okay, I'm gonna spend hours
looking through these.
Oh, no,
that's from his cabaret days.
- No, I don't. Not sure.
- That's so cool.
My dad loved music.
He did Butlins and the West End,
and he did all sorts.
- You remember Elvis? Elvis Presley.
- Yeah!
He used to play to me all time.
So, I think that's a big influence
as to why I want to carry on music.
My dad could have made it and didn't.
And I don't want to make
that same mistake.
Ready? And then go again.
I thought I had it. I don't.
Is it a little bit funny?
Close.
Look, my hands aren't big enough to do it.
And mine are just about...
Mine are a bit longer.
I'll have to change it.
How long will I love you?
As long as the stars are above you
My dream would be to be on stage.
To not be able see anything
but lights in my face.
And then I'd hear a massive roar
and clapping
and cheering and flashing lights
of the cameras and then...
And then I'd think it'd be over
just like that,
'cause you're just enjoying it so much.
But you don't want to dream too high
because then it might not come true.
When we were younger,
our dad would always say
we'd be going to somewhere,
or that we'd do this next year
or this would be happening
and then nothing would ever happen.
I think we've all just...
tried not to keep our hopes up
so we don't get disappointed ever again.
Oh.
Sunday, 22nd of September.
Friday the 27th. 2nd of October, 11:15...
Christmas Day, 2002, and that's how
Santa left the presents last night...
I thought everyone's dad wrote
in such detail in diaries.
I didn't think it was anything unusual.
It's recently that I've actually started
analyzing them in detail.
He says, "Go back to the real Paul,"
which is really weird.
Sort of felt like he was changing.
He put a lot of effort into these things
and then all of a sudden
he just stops trying.
He just gives up on it.
So, you can see that
he sort of gave up on life,
'cause he gave up on writing about it.
I just found Daddy's 2005 diary...
which I thought you might be
interested in looking at.
Yeah.
But also the suicide note.
I went into the cabin this morning
and had a really good look and I found it.
- Can I see it?
- You want to read it?
Yeah.
- Want me to stay while you read it?
- I don't mind.
It's not gonna be, like,
difficult or anything.
"There are two sets of truths."
Is that what that says?
- Yeah.
- "Involved"?
- Involved.
- "...involved in my opinion.
The truth and Vikie's truth."
He used the wrong "there."
Hmm.
Did he usually do that?
Or was that sort of the crazy setting in?
I don't know.
- Could you see it?
- Yeah.
In the last couple of weeks
I could see it, yeah.
What sort of changed about him?
- The paranoia became...
- Did he become more scatty?
He became less certain
of what he was saying
and he made mistakes in his diaries, too.
I don't see how he changed so quickly.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Sure? "To my children, I love you all.
Good luck with life and love from..."
"Good luck with Mum on a long-term basis."
"On a long-term basis."
What does PTO mean?
There's something on the other side,
but it was nothing in the police...
- I think this is the police photocopy.
- I want to know what it says.
I don't want to live my life
not knowing what the PTO was.
"I have not wanted the children
to go to private school since 2001.
Had they gone to state school
at that point,
we would not be
in any financial difficulty."
Was it you or Dad that insisted on us
going to private school?
It used to rock
between the two of us.
- Five re-mortgages?
- Yeah.
- Five.
- Yeah.
Why?
Well, he spent 10,000 on the barn,
10,000 on the hard court down there.
"Vikie has been well aware
of the borrowing that has taken place."
Not all of it.
I think it's quite sad that he had
good intentions with all of this,
but it seemed to backfire, considerably.
Wow. That was interesting.
- I feel disillusioned.
- Why?
I dont know.
- Why disillusioned?
- I don't know.
Did you imagine it to have more
about us in, Kay?
- With what?
- I don't know.
- There were two sides to it?
- Yeah, of course there were.
- I'm not perfect, Kacie. I'm not a saint.
- I didn't say that you did.
Yeah, there are two sides to every story.
- I know.
- Yeah.
Can you get the original note back?
I'm gonna try, if they've still got it.
We are going to write
"Mum's worries."
Okay?
Mum's worries is going in the box.
There we go.
Kacie, go over with Jamie
and wave at the worries together.
Bye-bye. Hey.
Paul's behavior was becoming
ever more erratic
and I was insisting that we have
a six-month break from each other.
And then see if we had a future together.
- Bye.
- Bye.
But Paul decided to file for divorce.
The house was sold when Paul died.
I think we were about four weeks away
from completion when Paul killed himself.
I remember months after he died,
I'd still run downstairs shouting, "Dad,"
like, trying to call for him
and then I'd realize he wasn't there.
- Do you remember us doing that?
- Yeah.
What if he had followed through
with the plan that he had?
Well, then we wouldn't be here,
would we, Oz?
Was it planned for him to do that
and then kill himself?
Yeah.
No, I don't think we really knew
to what extent, like,
Dad was actually in a very dark place.
Two days after my dad had died,
three of us found the notepad,
you know, with him talking about
how he was going to...
get revenge on my mum, effectively,
and kill all of us...
then kill her and then kill himself.
It was very detailed.
His plan was to lock everybody
in their bedrooms...
and then bring them down one by one.
Back to my mum.
- All right, darling?
- Yeah.
Two or three years before he died,
he suddenly put bolts
on the outside of all the doors.
He said it was to keep the cats out.
But just shutting the doors
would have kept the cats out.
Things that were odd
became normal in our lives.
It was about 18 months after Paul's death
that I said to Jamie one day...
"I feel as though I've made this up.
Did we find a pad?"
After a while you question things.
You're not sure they're actually real.
I thought it didn't exist.
I thought it had just been me
in a state of shock.
And then Kacie
shot out of her bedroom,
'cause she'd heard the conversation,
and said,
"Oh, my God,
I thought I'd made it up as well."
I broke down in tears,
I had panic attacks.
I had very increased anxiety
after that happened.
She'd just confirmed that actually
what I had believed to be a dream was,
in fact, not a dream.
Because I had seen it as well.
Where'd you find this?
They're all the tapes,
the home videos.
Did you put it in the wrong way?
Is it meant to be that way?
Play.
Turn it up.
To lovely, little lovely Lorie-Lanie
Love gave life to you
Your mummy and your daddy
Really wanted you
You're so contented when we see you
Tears well in our eyes
But we don't care
They're tears of joy
And joy needs no disguise
'Cause a life of love gave you to us
Love gave us you, our prize
You're a miracle
Little Mirie-Marie
You were so meant to be
Breathe your life into people
But keep your heart safe and sound
'Cause whilst there are
Many good people
Some will wanna bring you down
Give away your love
But keep your faith
Little Mirie-Marie
Is that the first time you've heard it?
Me, too.
It's like he knew what
our personalities were going to be like.
Isn't it weird?
Yeah.
I cant believe that Dad and you planted
this tree when I was born.
It only stood about 12 feet tall,
didn't it?
No, less than that. Six?
- When did you plant it?
- Twenty-four years ago.
No, you were about three.
About three?
It's a red oak.
Oak is known for its strength, isn't it?
- Time goes too fast.
- He planted it because it was strong.
- He planted it 'cause it was strong.
- Yeah.
It'll live for hundreds of years.
I didn't know that.
My dad did love all of us.
I think I lost touch with that
for a little while after he passed away.
I can still remember, the Thursday morning
before my dad died...
him having come into my room
and he closed the door.
I remember how his hair was falling
around his face...
and he just pleaded with me.
He told me that he had nobody left
and that I was his last hope.
My response to him was, I looked down...
"Dad, I've gotta get ready for school."
And in that moment, it was like he died.
The man who took himself into the woods
that day wasn't my dad.
He was a man that none of us knew.
I really wish that I'd just been
a little bit older to understand.
- Hi, Jamie. Hi, Mirie.
- Hi, Daddy.
Jamie!
- Has everyone sat down yet?
- No, Nik. Chill out, okay?
Is everyone ready for me?
Okay, no one should be eating!
That's a rule and everyone knows.
Three, two, one!
Happy birthday to you
Stop it, guys!
Happy birthday, dear Nikita
Oh, yeah.
Happy birthday to you
I think we've got worse
at singing happy birthday...
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Nikita
You can have silver, but I'm wearing gold
'cause I'm the birthday girl. Blue?
Lorie, if I have to wear one...
- No, Mummy, put it back on, now!
- No, I don't think it would go.
Okay, Jamie, wear a hat, please.
Jamie, please wear the hat.
- I will put it back...
- Just wear the hat. Be cool.
What?
Stop hinting! I hate it!
Nikita. Nikita,
we do not want that all day.
Jamie. Jamie, go fuck yourself!
Stop talking about my birthday
in front of me.
Okay.
- Ow.
- Whoa!
- Guys.
- Please stop.
- What would you like?
- Everyone to fuck off!
Ozzy?
What the fuck is this?
Oh, no, is this gonna be well received?
- No. I don't think so.
- I hope so.
- I just saw this image of it.
- Be careful with it. It's very fragile.
Beautiful.
For me,
it has to always be the same.
You do it so neatly, too.
It's a tradition.
We have to stick to the same thing.
I don't like that we're all changing
and getting older.
It makes me feel sad.
Wait, guys. Just stop.
It just feels like yesterday
that we were all still in school.
We were all at the same level.
And I don't like
that it's different
'cause it means we're getting old
and gonna die soon. And I don't wanna die.
Lorie!
Kacie, this is gonna be
the day before my seventh birthday.
Are you very happy?
Yeah.
Are you very happy
it's nearly my birthday?
Yeah!
That's really weird,
I remember that happening.
This is where I tip over the edge.
Jamie's about to open her MP3 player
and I'm opening my CD player.
- Oh, that's great!
- I remember when you did that.
- I remember that moment.
- I was so mad.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Daddy
Do you think maybe he did it
because we were all tone deaf
and he realized
we wouldn't be able to follow his path?
Mum, why didn't we ever realize
that he was sad?
- I did.
- Yeah, but we didn't.
Because we were kids, Nik.
We didn't have any perception
of what other people...
Yeah, but, like, when we were younger,
we couldn't see that.
Daddy, look.
- Was he upset on his last birthday? Mum?
- I know, I just feel sorry for him.
'Cause every video we've watched,
he's been sad
- and we're just running around laughing.
- I know.
And we don't realize.
He's not been upset
in every video. Some videos he's happy.
- Poppet, you wouldn't be expected to know.
- But I was nine.
- How would you know?
- How are you to know at nine?
I barely knew and I was 13.
Now when I'm watching it,
I just wanna go and hug him.
You've got to remember that
there's no way
we could have made him happy.
He was going to be upset
no matter what we did.
Yeah, but at least
he would have known that we cared.
Yeah, well, we did care.
We just didn't know.
What, Daddy?
What is it, Daddy?
He's happy.
What, Daddy?
What is it, Daddy?
- What is it?
- Yes, what, Daddy?
What is it?
What's the matter?
What is it, Daddy?
Go! Go, go, go, go.
Dad definitely
cared what people thought
about how happy he was all the time.
How he was feeling inside,
he masked extremely well.
But only to people outside the family.
He didn't want to believe that
there was anything wrong with him.
Even though I think he knew.
How... how can you not?
He was too proud.
The sun will shine
'Cause he thought he was perfect.
Or he wanted to be perfect.
I think that's why he struggled.
He would never have got help.
My mum tried for years.
But Mum's the same.
Mum's exactly the same.
She... is amazing at covering up
the way she genuinely feels.
Oz! Pippa! You up?
Pippi?
Come on.
Pips?
Morning.
Don't.
You've had lots of days, darling.
- Mum.
- Come on, sweetheart, good girl.
Mum, you said that
if I had bad days that you'd let me...
No, Pippa,
you've had so many days off school.
I'm sorry, it's gone too far, sweetheart.
- No, you don't understand.
- Take your tablets, please.
- Mum...
- Just a little bit.
Pippi, come on, you know this can't go on.
Mummy, I really can't, Mum.
- Little ones, come on.
- I can't, Mum. I can't. I really can't.
- Mum, I really can't.
- Pip, so when are you going to eat?
Pippa, come on, poppet.
Mum, stop saying things
over and over. Mum, it doesn't help.
Go and get your bag
'cause the bus will be here any second.
I said I would give you two days,
and then you promised you would eat.
Pippi, it's five days.
Pippa?
Mum,
I'm not doing it for attention.
It's not just as simple as
just eat breakfast,
just a few mouthfuls.
- Come on.
- Okay, see you later, guys.
- Come on, sweetheart. Come on.
- Bye, Oz.
Mum, I don't want to go...
It's okay. Come on, I love you.
Will you please
not ring the doctor's?
Okay, I won't ring the doctor.
I love you, sweetheart. Bye.
This is not about
an eating disorder.
There's something much more problematic
and deep-rooted with Pippa.
It's taken seven years since Paul died
to not be able to understand it.
And the doctors don't understand it.
And I can't work it out.
Is it something
that someone else can uncover?
Or does it need for Pippa to get
to the point where she can...
do her own self-discovery...
and find out for herself
what the real issue is?
When I was nine,
I said to my mum...
"Mum, I don't feel well.
I just don't feel myself."
I miss being me.
Like, I just know that this isn't me.
I don't know.
It's really hard to describe.
- Fucking hell.
- What?
Oh, my goodness, Mum.
- How do you live in here?
- I don't know.
- It makes me want to cry.
- I know.
It's got worse.
You're a hoarder.
Yeah, I don't know if I agree with that.
Mum, look at your bed.
Yeah, well, it's because I knit in bed
and so I keep all my wool handy and...
- That was a few days ago.
- Just keeping it handy?
- A Minnie Mouse dog outfit?
- That's for Darcy.
I'm making that for Jo.
A handbag? Just in case you need to
go somewhere in the night, Mum?
No, I used it to go out
and haven't put it back.
- Do you have one in here?
- No.
- I'll go and get a hairbrush.
- Well, even if you did...
- I'll go and get my...
- ...there'd be no way of finding it.
I'm not proud of myself and I'm not happy.
- So change it.
- Yeah.
Hey, Oz, look.
"Just a little kindness
is all this sad world needs."
Oh.
- Kacie?
- Yes?
Is this what we used for the confetti
for Daddy's funeral?
Do you want to keep that, Mum?
Look, there's a little...
How cute were we, Mum?
Look how lovely that is.
It's a bunny rabbit.
- I don't know what that is. A gnome?
- A little Santa or a gnome?
It's okay, Mum.
I'll put that somewhere safe.
- It was a nice idea, though, wasn't it?
- It was.
I'm glad I did that.
Sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Why are you sorry, Mum?
Mum, this is all good.
This is a nice thing.
How lovely.
I'm gonna take this away now, okay?
- Sorry.
- It's okay, Mum.
Thank you.
I think it's quite suited me, in a way,
not to have to face my own emotions.
Now that the kids are growing up, I'm...
I'm starting to have enough brain space
to start thinking about how I feel.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
Right.
I wanted them to have a proper childhood,
a happy one.
I just wish
I could have protected them more
from a lot of the things
that they were subjected to.
In RE today, it ended up being,
like, a giant discussion.
What did you talk about today?
Uh, evidence of the afterlife.
My idea of reincarnation is that we die...
we finish any unfinished business.
We can stay
and haunt our family for a bit.
And as soon as you're done, you don't go
to heaven 'cause that's a waste of time.
That's just lounging about in a cloud.
You go and you're just...
you're born again.
Here it is.
When my dad passed away...
my mum found
all of these coping strategies.
There was one
where we wrote a note to our dad.
"To Dad. I have missed you.
We love you and I still don't know
why you killed yourself.
I cry every night
and I'd kill myself just to see you.
I really miss you.
I don't know. Love from Pippa."
I think my dad,
he had a split personality.
On one side, he loved us,
and he didn't want any harm to come to us.
In fact, he protected us almost too much.
On the other side,
he was trapped in his own mind.
I think that's how he felt.
And he had a plan
that he would kill us all.
And I just think...
in his right mind, the mind that loved us,
he thought, "I don't wanna do that
to my family. I love my family."
So, to protect us, he killed himself.
So that he didn't kill us.
And I don't really care whether
people think that that's true or not,
or whether that's stupid.
It just, um...
It puts my mind at ease.
- Hello.
- Last day.
Pip, you know this is gonna be you
in two years' time?
Yeah.
- Are you gonna miss it?
- No.
Not even, like, a tiny bit?
Maybe, like, a tiny, tiny bit.
And, like, I'll be going to a job
that I probably want to do
and I'll be getting paid for it.
You've got to go to college first.
Yeah, but I'll have a job. And at college,
I'll be doing what I want to do.
How do you know you'll have a job?
The economy is not doing very well.
Oh, I can't believe it's your last day.
Give me a hug.
It might be all right for you,
but I'm really struggling.
Mum, it's always gonna be sad
when people leave school.
Mmm.
Shit gets real after school, doesn't it?
Remember when we used to
pretend that we were super stars?
Yeah.
We always had big dreams,
and now that we're older,
it feels like, "Oh, it's hard."
You can't just snap your fingers
and everything just happens.
You've gotta proper work for it.
- And, like, doubting yourself.
- Yeah.
- Do you get that?
- Yeah.
When I was young
I dealt in fantasy and dreams
The grass was greener where I stood
If I tried to fly, I could
With magic
Magic children have within their souls
Yeah, I want the whole top
from sleeve to sleeve.
It's tragic
The logic we apply when we get old
I used to fly away
Fly away, fly away
Fly away, fly away...
Can I hang it up in here?
Yeah. Are you not gonna get dressed?
I've always wanted to be
a fashion designer.
I know that's over ambitious.
I always think about having my own show...
constantly,
especially when I'm going to sleep.
And when I wake up...
I think of my own show,
and I'm like, "Ah..."
But then again, someone has to be
the next Vivienne Westwood,
so why can't I be
the next Vivienne Westwood?
It's worth a try.
"Ed equals swag," apparently.
What is this swag
that they speak of?
- You got a girlfriend?
- Yeah. Her name's Sarah.
- How did you meet her?
- Through the autism group.
Well, before I met her, I thought
she was gonna be really weird.
And then when I met her,
I was quite surprised.
'Cause she was weird,
but not, like, a weird sort of weird.
She was just different, but it was good.
Have you fallen in love?
What a weird question.
Yeah, I guess so.
I think love for another person, though,
is the weirdest
because you have moments
where you want to hug them,
but then you have moments
when you want to have sex with them,
and I find that really unusual.
I think it's also hard for me,
because of my autism,
to know what I'm actually feeling.
Yeah. Exactly.
'Cause I've had a tendency
to mistake emotions for each other.
I can't say to you, "Yes, you're in love."
I know you're besotted,
but whether you're in love with Sarah
is another matter.
'Cause the way I see it is,
I don't think I'd ever find someone
who's better suited for me.
Not at the moment, but you're only 16.
- It's another level.
- Have you ever been in love, then?
Yeah, I was in love with Daddy.
How long did that last for?
Well, did you ever, sort of...
fall out of it?
I suppose our relationship went
from being in love
to being more of a companion relationship.
So I still loved him, but it was becoming
impossible to live with him.
Dreaming, dreaming
Dreaming of the way we used to be
- You look wonderful.
- Thank you.
You look absolutely wonderful.
Vikie, you're ever so photogenic,
aren't you?
- Am I?
- Oh, yeah.
You always look good on camera. Always.
Pippa! Pippa, there.
You are a very beautiful woman.
We could reminisce forevermore
We have invested
a considerable amount of time and money.
- Was that Daddy?
- Yeah, I think so.
Hi, Vikie. It's Paul.
Vikie, it's Paul.
I'd like to speak to you.
World
You keep spinning around
Giving us life without making a sound
Eight years today since he died.
That's sad.
I think people don't understand that.
It's been eight years,
but we've only had to...
like, relive this day eight times
since it happened.
Which isn't many, really.
It always feels like
it happened yesterday.
But he feels like
he's getting further away.
But the day feels...
The day was always yesterday.
When we went to Minehead Beach...
the last time
we'd go on holiday with him...
we made this sandcastle.
I loved the castle at beach today.
And then Dad was like,
"Let's take photos! Let's take photos!"
Excuse me, everybody.
Excuse me, but if we could just...
If you could just...
- We could all get in.
- It was really lovely...
At least two of us stand here...
...'cause he was different
on holiday.
He was nothing but fun.
Dad, why are you recording?
Because this will never
happen again and I'm recording...
Smile, guys, you're on camera!
You're disowned. I disown you.
I've only just started.
I disown you.
I think it's sad
that he's missed so much.
Mmm...
- Pip! I found the contract!
- Fuckin'... No!
- I found the contract!
- No!
"This deal was made
when Pippa wanted some Hubba Bubba."
- Signed...
- Signed Pippa-Peita...
I spelt it... Do you know
why I spelt it wrong, Nik?
- Why?
- 'Cause then I thought
if it ever went to court,
- they couldn't use it.
- Are you serious?
They couldn't do me for it
'cause I'd signed it wrong.
This is brilliant. I love this.
Oh, things I do 'cause of my autism.
"I get upset over little things.
I repeat myself."
I repeat myself.
I repeat myself. I don't... I'm joking.
"I know you left for a reason."
- No, it's about Dad. It's about Dad.
- I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
"When the rain touches my face,
it's like you're touching me, too.
My heart beats with a race,
like I'm here right next to you.
I used to think you'd come back,
but that was only in my dreams.
Now all those years of waiting,
you never returned back from the stream."
Oh, shit.
Sad, isn't it?
And you weren't listening to me
and laughing about something else.
I hope you feel bad.
- What?
- Hug me.
- Ew, why?
- I wanna hug you. Please.
- I love you.
- I love you.
Remember when you'd watch us grow
And we'd perform our show
Fuck.
What did Dad used to always...
Like, what did he always used to say?
"One day we'll all fly away to paradise."
No, just "fly away to paradise."
The chorus should be
something like... Daily reminiscing?
Yeah.
How do you spell "reminiscing"?
R-E...
- You're guessing, aren't you?
- Yeah.
Well, do you think there...
She'll reach a point where she thinks
she has made a mistake?
- I think...
- How long has it been?
- Since we haven't spoken?
- Mmm.
Two days.
I think it needs a bit longer than that.
Yeah, I know that.
But what I'm saying is...
- Mum, seriously. Mum, listen.
- I know.
I think seven months is too long
to not give it another try.
And if tonight she came over
or messaged me,
and said she wanted another chance,
I'd probably say yes.
- At this point.
- Mmm-hmm.
Because you don't want
the relationship to die or...
It's about what you want.
You can't control what other people do.
Wish we could turn back time
To the good old days
When our momma sang us to sleep
But now we're stressed out
How is being 15, Pippa?
Like, the sugarcoated answer
or, like, the brutally honest?
- The brutally honest answer.
- Absolutely shit.
Got a lot of...
Bit of stuff going on and it's just...
Don't know.
Right now, all I want to do
is spend time with my family.
And laugh and smile,
just like everyone else.
But I can't
because there's something swallowing me.
It's like your chest is a black hole
and it's just...
Your body is just melting into it.
You think about all the things
that you're leaving behind.
Your family, your friends,
upcoming events.
Silly things like that.
But then if you don't do it,
you'll have to wake up another day.
You'll have to face all of these things
another day.
And it counteracts and you just think,
"It's not worth it. I can't do it."
I think that's how my dad felt,
most likely.
I do worry that I have...
I'm similar to my dad.
It's not so much a worry
that he was a bad person,
it's just, you know,
the monsters inside his head...
that I'm afraid are going to be
passed down onto me and I'm...
That's a very scary thought...
because they're scary monsters.
Could somebody get me
some toilet roll?
What about putting this on?
Nikita is having a Halloween party thing
with all of her college friends.
Osborn!
Mum, is this a good party?
- It's a brilliant party!
- Okay.
It's fantastic.
- A room full of people having fun?
- Chaos.
Nik, why did people think
you were a bitch?
Yeah, at the beginning of last year,
people thought I was a bitch
and really stuck up and stuff.
I don't know what people think about me.
I have literally no idea.
- I think it's 'cause I'm posh, as well.
- Trust me.
- Shall I say what everyone thinks?
- No.
They think you're hot
and that you're really cool.
Oh, cool.
- Do you think he's hot? Aw.
- Yeah. He is hot.
How come you didn't invite
any of your friends?
'Cause I don't have any friends.
- It's fine.
- Are you serious?
Yeah.
But I'm your friend, and I came.
Yeah, but I didn't invite you. So...
Awkward. Okay.
Okay.
- Jamie, run!
- Jamie, why aren't you running? Come on!
Welcome on a chilly evening
to Coventry Cathedral.
It's really exciting that we're the venue
for the first ever
Coventry Charity talent competition.
Guys, before we do it,
I'm really happy
I'm performing with you guys.
This is, like, a dream come true.
I know there's pain
Why do lock yourselves up
In these chains?
Just open your heart and your mind
Is it really fair to feel...
Watching Nikita
in the show last night...
I suddenly looked at her in a way
I've never looked at her before.
And then looked at all the children.
And all of them are all half me.
And the next thought was,
"Well, they're half Paul."
I don't know
how I feel about Paul anymore.
He left me with a situation,
and I've done the best I can, but...
I don't know, I almost feel no emotion.
But, kind of, last night, I thought...
You know, actually,
he couldn't have left me with any...
any greater gift than the children.
And without him, I wouldn't have them.
And without them, I don't know who I'd be.
We have to think of a word
that could be...
- That we could use for the future.
- Soon?
All right.
How about, "One day the open
bleeding wound he left us with
will soon be a faded scar."
Or, "One day the bleeding...
the open bleeding wound..."
- "The open dripping wound..."
- No!
- "One day the... massacre."
- Guys, you cannot write lyrics.
I think we should throw in the wanting him
to see how far we've come.
Like, that we've achieved the dreams.
We're not there yet.
'Cause this is what we're hoping
to achieve in the future.
Mum!
Do you want me?
Happy Mother's Day!
Oh, my babies. Aw.
- Thank you. Oh, thank you.
- Thank you.
That's all right.
- She took it out of the flower pot.
- I don't care.
She took it out of the pot.
I'm so sorry.
- I had nothing to do with this.
- Thank you, Osborn.
Is that from you?
I didn't think she was gonna cry.
I'm sorry, Mummy.
I only put seven pounds in.
Thank you for all being
the most wonderful children on the planet.
Today's lesson
is all about repairing glass doors.
How did you find out
you were autistic? Just quickly.
You told me. I was about four-five.
I just remember,
it's just always been a part of our lives.
People think that
people with autism lack in empathy.
But I think it's, sometimes,
actually the complete opposite.
And that they have so much empathy
that they don't know how to deal with it.
Do you want us to cry?
Oh, hello. I just spoke to someone
regarding some evidence.
It was my husband's suicide note
that was held by the police,
that I've never had access
to the original.
'Cause there's a PTO on one of the pages
that we've never actually been
able to see.
Okay.
It's annoying, isn't it?
You try and do something,
and you just come against a brick wall.
I think that whenever you move,
it's obviously, like...
I've not experienced it before.
But you gotta be, like,
"Right, what do I want to take with me
and what do I not really mind
so much letting go of."
"Three months and two weeks ago,
my dad committed suicide,
and it's left my whole family heartbroken.
The day before he died, I said,
'Life couldn't get any worse.'
How wrong I was.
Sometimes I wonder why life is so complex.
We all ask questions and we come
no closer to the answers we want,
and, more importantly, need."
Jamie, what were you saying to me
about you felt as though
last year went quickly?
What I was saying is that...
it feels like that you've only been
how old you are for five days.
That's what I meant.
Now you've, you know...
You feel like you haven't been...
...seven for a year.
You've been seven for five days.
Yes, I know what you mean.
It's not like I'm saying goodbye forever,
but...
it's just, like,
it's officially happening.
Moving on to the next phase.
In ten years' time, when you look back
on this part of your life...
what do you think you'll say to yourself?
I don't know.
I can't see that far into the future.
I don't really see anything above 16.
Okay.
I feel like
my life's stopped being written.
Will you feel better
once you know what's happening?
I'm just numb.
Even when I feel happy, I don't...
I can't feel it.
I just feel numb,
and my head just feels numb.
- Bye, guys.
- Bye, Miz.
- Bye, sweetheart.
- Nice makeup, by the way.
- Okay. Love you, darling. Bye.
- Drive safely, Mirie.
- Bye, Mum. I love you both.
- I love you.
Is there anything
that would make you feel better?
Not really, no.
Part of me just wants to sleep.
But a part of me...
doesn't know what to do.
I almost wish that if I had it my way,
none of you would know.
And I'd be able to get the help
without any of you knowing.
'Cause it just feels so uncomfortable,
and I'm just embarrassed that...
But don't be embarrassed, Pippa.
- It's an illness, it's not...
- I know, but...
I'm putting the family through some shit.
And some of you don't...
Like, and it's not your fault,
but they don't understand that
I can't help it.
You hope that
you've brought them up to treasure life.
That's your job as a parent.
It's the last thing I want,
but she does need to be in hospital.
What are you doing?
I was just putting things in here.
- It's not the same without her, is it?
- No.
You all take
a different thing away with you.
Pippa,
it's like that sparky-ness has gone.
What do I take away with me?
"Sorry."
It just says sorry.
There's blood.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So, like, a few weeks ago,
I wrote one poem.
Can I see it?
Don't read it out loud.
And don't move your lips.
- And don't, like, look at me.
- I won't read it out or look at you.
The theme was wonder,
and I did it more on the topic
of being abandoned...
sort of the feelings that go
with being left by someone and...
the sort of wondering about
whether they feel the same way you do
and whether it's the same story
on both sides.
Everything in my life,
the one thing that I couldn't control
in regards to my emotions
was having my heart broken.
And no song, no poem, no movie
can ever describe to a person
how much it hurts.
I think it has made me understand
maybe why Mum stayed with Dad,
even when things got difficult.
'Cause I have found
that when it was getting difficult,
I still wanted to carry on.
When I really feel over it,
I'll get the answers I'm looking for.
Well, I'll either get the answers
I'm looking for,
or I won't even want answers anymore.
But I already know, either way,
it doesn't matter, does it?
As long as one of them happens,
I'll be happy.
Today, we have a family therapy team
coming over to have a meeting
or a session with all of us
to talk about...
...mostly the day that Paul died.
To try and help Pippa, really,
to come to terms with that day
and how everyone felt and how she felt
and what she remembers from it,
because she was only six.
We talk about that day a lot.
But we've never, actually,
all of us spoken, as a family.
We can fit 13 people here.
It was a group experience but it
was also a very individual experience,
and it was Pippa herself who asked for it.
Are we talking about this day
as if it happened yesterday?
I think that year is such a blank
because Paul was...
- It was a very strange year.
- I left preschool that year.
- Did you?
- It's funny...
- That was real.
- Forgot about that until just now!
I don't ever go inside.
We didn't imagine that happening.
That did happen.
I remember Mum saying,
"You know Dad's been ill."
And then you were like, "I'm so sorry."
And you started crying.
I just was sad.
Waking up the next day
thinking it was a dream.
I don't remember hitting
Mum's car. Was I hitting Mum's car?
Going back to school and...
people were pretending
to slit their wrists 'cause they knew.
It was in the paper.
I felt like I had to cry
'cause you kept passing me tissues.
I wasn't really crying.
I was pretending to cry
because I wanted to be involved.
We all have things in that day
that, you know, if, if, if...
But it's what did happen
that we should try and focus on
because the ifs will just mess you up.
As long as we stand together,
we're okay.
It's so useful
because we've never done this.
We've never heard
everyone's individual story
and I think it's really good.
Pipsy? Hello!
- Hi!
- Is it gonna make her upset?
No, this will make her happy,
'cause she thought
she had a bad relationship with Dad,
but we're showing her
all the bits that are good.
She's so cute.
I tell you what,
I just want her to be her natural self.
How are you doing now, Pippa?
Do you know what? I think
every time you've asked me that question,
I've always said, "Pretty shit."
But this one, I think, like...
I'm actually okay.
And I feel as though...
I'm on the right track
for, like, the first time in my life.
I've been in hospital almost six months.
I'm doing better,
but I'm not getting discharged
anytime soon.
I don't know.
It is so hard to acknowledge
that something's wrong.
Because you can't admit it to yourself.
You're like, "No, I'm fine."
I don't think that you'll ever know
what you need.
I think that's a decision you need
someone else to make for you.
You know,
people die from not accepting help.
You know,
and we've all experienced that firsthand.
Oh, my God.
With death,
it's difficult because...
I could live my life being angry
at my dad and never forgive him.
But all that means is that I'm just
gonna be an angry person all the time.
Whereas I want to feel happiness
and freedom and peace and love.
- Am I gonna die up here?
- Yeah, the thing is cursed.
I dare you to jump. Jump!
I'm still just as wimpy as I used to be.
- Nothing has changed.
- Nothing's changed, Pip!
You can do it, girls!
Come on, Mirie!
That's it! Don't give up!
I think we're very lucky
to have had the life we've had.
Being able to play in the land,
and having so many siblings, and just...
There's a lot of happy memories,
and I think that's a sign
of a very lucky upbringing.
Bad things happen, but...
holding on to the happy memories, but...
letting the bad ones
help you move forward.
And helping you to learn for
different situations that happen in life.
Ooh, ooh
Remember when
We'd dance around
And we would fall to the ground
Ooh, ooh
Remember when
Today will be a memory
The same way we're remembering
And I will see
And I will see the seasons
Come and go...
I'm about to break the fourth wall.
The way the time unfolds...
Pippa, do you wanna
break the fourth wall with me?
It's not for everyone.
And I will fly, and I will fly away
I'll fly away to paradise
The way the time unfolds
Watch my wings grow
Times are hard, but spirits high
A love that's strong
Unbreakable bonds
We've grown together in different ways
We think of you and how you'd say
Today will be a memory
The same way we're remembering
And I will see
And I will see the seasons come and go
They come and go
The way the time unfolds
Watch my wings grow
And I will fly
And I will fly away
I'll fly away to paradise
The way the time unfolds
Watch my wings grow
The way the time unfolds
Watch my wings grow