1
MAN (DISTORTED VOICE): Eggy.
You mind if I share your cab?
Charlie?
It's ironic, isn't it?
You look like a gentleman,
I look like a pleb.
If I was you,
I'd unlock your cab.
(BEEPING)
(CHARLIE GRUNTS)
Pete, get us out of here!
(CHARLIE GRUNTING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
(GRUNTING)
(UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS)
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
You think that shit's
gonna work this time?
You're way out of your depth.
(YELLS)
(METAL SCRAPING)
(YELLS)
(SCREAMS)
(groans)
(YELLS)
(GASPS)
Fuck!
(YELLS)
(GRUNTING)
(SCREAMS)
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)
(GRUNTS)
(YELLS)
(PANTING)
(ENGINE REVVING)
(WHIRRING)
(TIRES SQUEALING)
Take him out!
Merlin! We've got
a Code Purple.
My driver's down.
Permission to blow
these fuckers away.
MERLIN: Denied.
Cannot be contained.
Head south,
I'm clearing the route.
(GASPING)
Shit!
Merlin, I'm entering Hyde Park.
Can I get on with it?
Merlin!
Dark zone confirmed.
Permission to fire.
Oh, thank fuck for that!
(BEEPS)
MERLIN: No time to relax.
Police are right behind you.
You have 30 seconds before
they reach your position.
Go directly to Rendezvous Swan.
Merlin, you do realize
I haven't even got a windscreen right now?
I seem to remember
from your training
you were rather good
at holding your breath.
(SIRENS WAILING)
(SIGHS)
(DEEP INHALE)
(GASPING)
(COUGHING)
MERLIN: It wasn't
a revenge mission.
Charlie could've just
killed you immediately.
Not boasting,
but I trained him well enough
that even he wouldn't
mess that up.
EGGSY: Merlin, I'm sorry,
we're gonna have to do
the debrief tomorrow.
I've got to get
to a dinner tonight...
and if I miss it, let's just say
Charlie might as well
have killed me.
Well, if you can't wait
for the police
to clear the park...
there's another way out
in the corner.
(GAGS AND COUGHS)
Fuck!
(CHUCKLES)
(EGGSY GROANS)
How important is that dinner?
(SIGHS)
Let me show you.
(WHIRRING)
(GRUNTS)
(GASPING)
For fuck's sake!
(DOOR OPENS)
Babe.
I'm home!
I'm here.
What the hell happened?
It's a long story
that deserves a kiss.
(CHUCKLES) Not even JB
would kiss you right now.
EGGSY: If you really love me,
just one little kiss.
(GASPS)
You were really gonna do it?
Yeah.
Now, that is
true love right there.
Amazing. I'm gonna
go get changed.
GROUP: Happy birthday to you!
(CHEERING AND WHOOPING)
And Tilde made that
for you herself, bruv.
PRINCESS TILDE: Mmm-hmm.
The royal baker's not available.
(LAUGHTER)
Oh, shut up, Brandon.
Especially if you
want some of this.
Oh! Wait. Is that that
Swedish stuff right there?
Yes.
No, no. I ain't drinkin'
none of that.
Last time here,
I was wrecked, man.
Yeah, but that's 'cause you
were a lightweight, Jamal.
(LAUGHING)
No, no, babe, I'm good.
Not for me, thank you.
Oh, what?
What's going on, man?
I'm meeting her parents
for the first time
tomorrow night.
(WHOOPING)
I wanna make a good
impression, so what?
Oh, yeah, Jamal,
are you free to dogsit JB
tomorrow night
while we're there?
Ah, sorry, bruv, I've got
to look after my nan tomorrow.
But Liam's free, though.
EGGSY: Oh, yeah?
I can't, mate.
I'm allergic to dogs.
Bullshit.
Dogshit, actually.
(laughing)
That leaves you, Brandon.
What you doing tomorrow night?
Yeah, I'll look after
your dog, mate,
but I got one condition.
What's that?
You have a drink with us.
Yeah.
Got to do it, babe.
Got to do it.
(EXCLAIMS)
Brandon, happy birthday!
ALL: Happy birthday.
JAMAL: Yeah.
EGGSY: Cheers.
Shit.
POPPY:
My drugs are everywhere.
They were never my thing...
but here I am,
running the biggest
drug cartel in the world.
The only downside is having to
live in the middle of nowhere.
You know, these ruins
are technically undiscovered.
I just added a few touches
to remind me of home.
I grew up on all that
awesome 50s nostalgia.
Grease. American Graffiti.
Happy Days.
But I digress.
The thing you need to understand
is the hard work
and ingenuity...
it took to achieve
a global monopoly...
on the drug trade.
And that's all on me.
Not to toot my own horn...
I just think
it's really important
for new recruits
to understand...
the history
of The Golden Circle.
So. Lifelong friends, huh?
Charles, do you think
your buddy here
is worthy of joining us?
Ms. Poppy, I would
not have brought him
all the way to see you
if I didn't think so.
Excellent.
Well, you hungry?
Starving.
Wonderful! Right this way.
Make yourselves at home.
So, fellas...
I have a couple of things
that I wanna clarify.
You understand that
in The Golden Circle...
my authority is never
to be questioned, right?
And the importance
of following orders?
Do you understand that?
And the value of loyalty?
It's easy to nod, isn't it?
I don't like easy.
I like proof.
(SIGHS)
What's your name?
Angel, ma'am.
Angel, baby.
Hey.
Your old pal, Charles,
has messed up.
That's all I'm gonna tell you,
'cause that's all
you need to know.
So put him in the mincer, okay?
(LAUGHING)
(WHIRRING)
(WHISTLES)
(GROWLING)
(WHIRRING)
(BARKING)
(YELLING)
No, Miss Poppy!
(SCREAMING)
Good job!
(PANTING)
See my salon across the way?
Head there for your makeover.
(SIZZLING)
PRINCESS TILDE: Eggsy,
I hope you're hungry.
Oh, babe, I was gonna
grab breakfast at work.
This looks lovely,
but I'm running late.
I just thought maybe
we could practice?
For tonight.
Practice?
Mm-hmm.
Eating?
You said you've never
eaten at a palace before.
And Pappa is sort of picky
about table manners.
Well, as it happens, babe,
I've got this shit on lock.
I know what every single one
of them knives and forks is for.
This is a butter knife.
It's the only one
you need to remember,
the rest of the cutlery is easy.
You start from the outside,
and you work your way in
with each course.
And never let anyone
describe you as "H.K.L.P."...
What's that?
"Holds knife like pen."
A habit erroneously believed
to be upper class
dining etiquette.
It is quite the opposite.
White wine, pudding wine,
red wine, water and pop.
Or whatever tipple
takes your fancy.
Am I supposed to wait
for everyone else
to be served
before I start eating?
HARRY: Only if the dish
being served is cold.
Or if the Queen is present.
Otherwise tuck in.
EGGSY: Got to be honest...
never really thought
the royalty bit would be relevant.
Harry would've been chuffed.
Oh. I wish I could've met him.
You miss him too,
don't you, Mr. Pickle?
Mmm?
Mr. Pickle says, "Yeah."
Hey, no, no, sit down, I'm fine.
I'm fine. Have a good day.
Okay.
Ah, Galahad! You're late.
We were wondering if you'd had
a second encounter with Charlie.
I wish. I'm looking forward
to finishing him off.
All right, gents.
Merlin, come in.
Galahad and Lancelot,
please remain
for Merlin's debrief.
Everyone else,
reconvene at 1900 hours.
So...
the man who attacked
Galahad in the taxi
was Charlie Hesketh.
Rejected Kingsman
applicant turned bad.
We last saw him back
at Richmond Valentine's HQ.
EGGSY: I've caught
a fucking spy!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
Like everyone else there...
Charlie had a security implant
in his neck.
A weakness we had no choice
but to exploit.
Hey, Merlin.
Still fucking spectacular, eh?
Come on, guys, loosen up.
We saved the world.
MERLIN: Yeah.
Unfortunately, Galahad,
you also saved Charlie.
When you electrocuted him,
you damaged his implant.
Instead of his head exploding...
he only lost an arm
and his vocal chords.
Fucker should be thanking me.
And now he's back for revenge?
We don't think so, sir.
We believe he's being recruited
by an unknown organization.
Lancelot?
Got the police autopsy reports
from Charlie's colleagues
in the SUVs.
They're not just goons for hire.
Fingerprints removed.
Teeth filed smooth.
I did a face recognition.
Nothing.
And that thing?
A cosmetic tattoo
made of 24-carat gold.
They all had them.
Seems like we're looking
at some kind of underworld organization.
Senora Poppy has sent me
for my makeover.
Follow me.
Please take your shirt off.
(WHIRRING)
(GROANING)
(YELLING)
(PANTING)
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
It's beautiful, isn't it?
Not that.
This.
The sun is out
The sky is blue
Bon appetit.
There's not a cloud
To spoil the view
But it's raining
Raining in my heart
Oh, misery, misery
What's gonna become of me?
How is it?
It's delicious.
Welcome to Golden Circle.
Raining in my heart
(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)
EGGSY: Mmm.
(SPEAKING SWEDISH)
(CHUCKLING)
I think we should
do you the favor
of conversing in English, yes.
So, tell me...
what do you do?
I work for Kingsman,
the tailors, Your Highness.
You may address my daughter
as "Your Highness."
Please address the Queen and
myself with "Your Majesty."
Pappa, this is
a family dinner...
not some state function.
Well then, Eggsy.
(CLEARS THROAT)
What do you make
of the current situation
in the Indian financial markets?
Pappa!
EGGSY: Uh...
Well...
I don't think we can
underestimate the impact
of ECB's quantitative
easing measures.
And of course,
the liquidity wave
from the US Federal
Reserve rate hike...
getting pushed back.
(CLINKING)
Frida Kahlo.
Well, other than the 1939
acquisition by the Louvre...
she wasn't really acknowledged
until the new Mexicanisimo
art movement...
of the late 1970s.
(CLINKING)
Moorish revival.
Ah. The Palazzo Sammezzano.
In Tuscany.
Beautiful.
(CLINKING)
Bluetooth technology.
Which, of course, got its name
from the legendary
Danish king...
Harald Blatand, whose name
translates to
"Bluetooth" in English.
And the Bluetooth logo
is his initials
in Norse runic symbols.
And, as I'm sure you know...
the Bluetooth logo
is his initials...
in Norse runic symbols.
ROXY: Oh, my God, Eggsy.
Why isn't he eating
his fucking pudding?
I need to research
this gold tattoo.
I found records of other people
with the same
body modifications.
All of them have
high level involvement...
with crime and international
drug trafficking.
And there's rumors of something
called The Golden Circle.
Hmm.
(BEEPING)
Best agent or best friend?
(JB BARKING)
BRANDON: Come on, JB.
Give it a rest, mate.
Stop scratching the door.
I'm gonna get the blame now.
There you are. Happy?
With the decks and all that.
(BEEPS)
Shit, boy!
(EXCLAIMS) What the...
Do you reckon, JB...
model material?
(EGGSY CHUCKLING)
I must say, you're really
not as I expected.
Well, thank you very much...
Your Majesty.
BRANDON: Eggsy?
Is that you, mate?
What the fuck is going on here?
You a gangster now or something?
Fuckin' hell. Is that Tilde's
mom and dad's house?
Tell you what. Whatever
you're doing, I want in.
(DEVICE ACTIVATES, BEEPING)
Put it down!
Why?
I said, put it down now!
What's wrong with it?
Shut it! Fucking shut it!
Eggsy.
I beg your pardon?
(RAPID BEEPING BEEPING)
Shut it! Shut it now!
All right, mate.
Chill your boots.
(SIGHS)
Eggsy, what...
Oh, no. Oh, my God, no.
I'm so sorry.
(BARKING)
You shut up and all.
You got me in enough trouble.
(ALARM BLARING)
(GRUNTS)
The next order of business...
Agent Percival.
Arthur.
Oh, fuck.
POPPY: Yep.
Kingsman is crumpets.
Like toast, but British.
And to say thank you...
I got you a present, Charlie.
My guys made you this.
Bigger, badder, better.
I call it...
ARMageddon.
(WHIRRING)
Let's see if your game improves.
Ouch.
EGGSY: Someone decides
to wipe out
every Kingsman property...
every agent, and somehow...
conveniently,
you weren't at home.
I could say the same thing
about you.
What, you think I'd kill Roxy?
And my mate, Brandon,
and my fucking dog?
MERLIN: No.
You think I would?
This thing...
hacked us.
Clearly, this arm can be
remotely controlled.
I'm only alive
because my address
wasn't on the database
with the agents.
Whoever Charlie's working with
doesn't think that mere
staff are missile-worthy.
This ain't funny.
Roxy is dead!
Everyone's dead! Gone!
Do you even care?
Pull yourself together.
Remember your training.
There's no time for emotion
in this scenario.
Now...
as all surviving agents
are present,
we follow the doomsday protocol.
When that's done,
and only then...
you may shed a tear in private.
(SIGHS)
(THUNDER RUMBLING)
Okay.
What's the doomsday protocol?
We go shopping.
We're from Kingsman.
We'd like to buy some wine.
And use tasting room
number three, please.
Not one of my predecessors
has ever been
in this situation before.
Thank God.
A-ha.
Remember this?
EGGSY: Yeah,
how could I forget?
Whatever's in that safe
is the answer to all our problems.
Huh.
Is that it?
I suppose that must be
upper-class humor.
I don't get it.
Me neither. What the fuck
are we supposed to do now?
I think we should drink a toast
to our fallen comrades.
To Roxy.
Roxy.
Ooh.
To Arthur.
Arthur.
Mmm.
Should we do one for JB?
I think we should.
(MERLIN SOBBING)
I should have seen it coming.
Charlie, the taxi.
It's all my fault.
No, that's bullshit, Merlin.
It ain't all your fault.
You're the best, bruv.
Honestly, without you...
I'd have lost it
a long time ago.
(MERLIN MUMBLES)
I think we should
drink to Scotland.
I think we've probably
had enough, to be honest.
You're probably right.
Merlin.
Aye?
I think we're going to Kentucky.
Fried Chicken?
I love fried chicken.
No, proper Kentucky. Look.
You know what else I love?
Country and western music.
Country roads
Take me home
To the place I belong
(TOUR GUIDE CHATTERING)
Oh! Here's where we leave
the casks to age.
Unfortunately, we can't go in,
as it's a temperature-controlled
environment.
So let's move on to
our world class stud farm...
and meet three of
our Kentucky Derby winners.
(WHIRRING)
Biometric security scanner
just to protect
a few old barrels of whiskey?
Pull the other one, love.
Got it.
Are you getting anything?
Not yet.
EGGSY: Fucking hell.
MERLIN: It's a shame
it's not scotch.
Hang on.
According to this,
there's a huge
underground structure
right beneath us.
And if my calculations
are correct...
This...
is the way in.
Fucking hell, Merlin. Shit.
MAN: You know, my mama...
she always told me...
us southerners get our good
manners from the British.
I was thinkin',
ain't that a pity.
Y'all didn't keep nothing
for yourselves.
Y'all ain't never heard of
knocking before you enter?
Well, actually we had
an invitation. Didn't we?
Yeah.
Oh, did you now?
Yeah. It came in the
shape of a bottle.
We're from the Kingsman
tailor shop in London.
Maybe you've heard of us?
Oh, the Kingsman.
Yeah.
Huh.
That's where y'all got
them fine suits
and them fancy
spectacles y'all got on?
Exactly.
That's right.
Y'all look damn sharp.
Let me see
if I got it right, here.
You want me to believe that
it's normal for a tailor...
to hack through an advanced
biometric security system...
with nothing but a little
bitty old watch on?
I can promise you...
that dog don't hunt.
So why don't you go on and get down
on your knees...
and tell me
who you really work for.
(SPITS)
That's 1963 Statesman Reserve.
You just made it personal.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(BEEPING)
(PANTING)
Who the fuck are you?
MAN: A bottle
in a secret wall.
You really expect me
to take that seriously?
See, I think
your story's horse shit.
Y'all just trying to cover
for a failed rescue mission.
You here for the lepidopterist,
ain't you?
Okay, so your
mystery bottle, huh?
Look anything like that,
right there?
Yes. Same brand,
much older.
All right.
Let's see here.
You know why the measurement
of alcohol content's
called "proof"?
Oh, fuck off!
Oh, for Pete's sake.
See, comes from back
in the old days...
when pirates wanted to test
the strength of their rum.
They used to pour a little bit out
on gunpowder.
(EXHALES)
That'll make you wanna slap
your mama right there, boy.
And if the gunpowder,
if it burnt when
they set it alight...
they considered it proof...
that their rum
was good and strong.
But see, I ain't got
no gunpowder on me, do I?
But I'm pretty sure
you boys'll make
just as impressive of a sound...
when I set your balls on fire.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Or you could just tell me who the fuck
y'all really are...
and how the hell y'all found us.
MERLIN: Look,
for the last time,
we have nothing to protect
but our honor.
So you can take
your cheap horse piss
that you call whiskey...
which, by the way,
is spelled without an "e"...
and is nothing compared
to a single malt scotch...
and you can go fuck yourself.
(CHUCKLES)
(CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY)
What about you?
Me?
Yeah.
No, I love
a Jack and Coke, bruv.
But I do agree with the part
where you go fuck yourself.
All right.
Y'all ain't got
nothing to protect
other than your honor.
Let's see what happens
when we change things up.
Fuck me.
Harry?
Y'all got three seconds
to tell me the truth.
MERLIN: Wait. No.
No!
Harry!
He can't hear you.
But I can, so talk.
No!
Get down, Harry!
MERLIN: Harry! Harry!
That's two.
Harry!
Harry!
EGGSY: Harry!
Three.
Stop!
Their story checked out.
I opened our doomsday
scenario locker
and that umbrella was in it.
Kingsman.
It's got our logo on it.
I'm really sorry.
(LAUGHING) My apologies, boys.
I hope there ain't
no hard feelings.
I was just doin' my job.
Welcome to the Statesman,
independent intelligence agency.
Just like y'all, I reckon.
But our founders went
into the booze business.
Thank the sweet Lord above.
This is Ginger Ale.
She's our strategy executive.
Hello.
I'm Agent Tequila.
This is the part
where you untie us.
MERLIN: Thank you.
Harry.
Hello.
Hello, mate.
Harry.
How do you do?
Have we met before?
Harry, it's okay. It's fine.
They know that we know you.
I think there must be
some mistake.
It's been such
a long time, Harry.
I need to get
my brogues resoled.
Yeah, and my oxfords
are done in as well.
Why are you telling me
about your shoes?
I'm a lepidopterist.
You're a what?
I study butterflies.
MERLIN: Well, you wanted to be before
you joined the army, but...
Harry, look at me.
It's good to see you.
We'll be back soon.
So these fellas right here
are our doomsday protocol?
Turns out, our founder's
tailor was Kingsman.
What the fuck
have you done to him?
Nothing. Only tried
to help him.
He's got retrograde amnesia.
Now, we knew from his eyeglasses
that he was intelligence.
We just didn't know whose.
How did he get here?
(ALARM BLARING)
GINGER: What the hell?
Tequila, I'm getting
a crazy spike...
of extreme low frequency waves
11 miles from here.
I'm gonna need you to
escort me there immediately.
I need your alpha gel.
TEQUILA: I'll go check the church.
(HISSING)
GINGER: We developed
our alpha gel technology
for our own agents...
in the event of a head shot.
The gel protects the brain.
Then, in the lab,
we use nanites...
micro-bots,
to repair tissue damage.
There are side effects.
Partial amnesia...
regression to the younger self.
With no idea who he was,
there was nothing we could do.
But now you guys are here...
there's a good chance
we can bring him back.
POPPY: You're late.
Why are you still wearing that?
Until you get rid of
the perimeter landmines...
I'll keep wearing the suit,
thank you very much.
POPPY: Scaredy-cat.
Shut up and sit down.
Let's go!
(BEEPS)
CHARLIE:
Crocodile Rock, please.
Fuck you!
(ELECTRICITY CRACKLING)
(GROANING)
Hey, hey, Elton, language.
Okay, as fabulous
as your catalogue is...
I think I want to hear
some Gershwin.
(SIGHS)
(PLAYING PIANO)
I still can't believe...
you got away with
kidnapping Elton John.
I know! But with Valentine
abducting those celebrities...
it seemed silly not to take
advantage of the confusion.
Shit. Has Elton
got the blue rash?
Lights.
(PIANO PLAYING STOPS)
Hey, Elton.
Have you been a bad boy again?
Mmm-mmm.
You're lying.
Look at your hands.
What is it?
It's proof that my plan
is gonna work.
It's also the first sign
of a slow and horrible death.
(GASPS)
Don't worry, I can fix it.
Tell me who you partied with.
(SIGHS)
It was Angel.
Huh, not very angelic.
Gonna have to clip his wings.
(SIGHS)
Close the door behind you.
MAN: At what point are you
going to start behaving
like a Statesman, Tequila?
You wanna go back
to being a rodeo clown?
No, sir. I apologize, sir.
I'm Champagne.
But anyone who knows
what's good for him...
calls me Champ.
Sorry for your troubles.
As your American cousins...
I'm placing all of Statesman's
considerably larger resources at your disposal.
Can you imagine us
in the clothing business?
(CHUCKLES)
Now, how can I help you?
EGGSY: First of all,
I've got to thank you
for saving Agent Galahad.
Wait.
You said that you were Galahad.
Oh, no, he's talking
about the butterfly guy.
That used to be his handle.
Oh.
EGGSY: Galahad always said,
"You've got to look at
the bigger picture..."
"ask 'why' as well as 'who'."
So if someone wanted
to take out Kingsman...
then they've got to be
planning something major.
So what do you know?
They're a drug cartel, we think.
The name Golden Circle
keeps coming up.
Mmm. We'll look
into them. What else?
One of our former trainees
is working with them.
Charlie Hesketh.
Total prick.
You got any promising
leads on him?
His ex-girlfriend.
I've been tracking her
through social media.
We believe she's still
in contact with him.
And she's going
to Glastonbury Music Festival.
Oh, good.
Agent Tequila,
break out your dancing shoes.
You have a new mission.
Yes, sir.
CHAMP: Hold up.
You feeling okay?
I'm a little tired,
but fine, thanks.
Galahad, you ready?
CHAMP: Your face...
You got...
What the fuck?
CHAMP: Oh, shit.
Head to the sick bay.
Have Ginger check you out.
(WHISTLES)
Hey, give him your glasses.
You're in luck, kid.
Put 'em on.
You get our finest senior agent
to join you instead.
Right now,
he's in our New York office.
Galahad, meet Agent Whiskey.
WHISKEY: Kid...
looks like we're hookin' up
with a chick at a rock concert.
My favorite kind of mission.
I'm sending my jet
to pick you up.
GINGER: We've dealt with
this kind of amnesia before.
Harry's like a computer
that needs to be rebooted.
We need to recreate a shock
or trauma from his past...
to trigger his memory.
MERLIN: I hope you're right.
(GASPS)
Uh, excuse me.
There seems to be
some sort of a problem here.
Help! Somebody!
What the hell is
going on? Help me!
Help!
Oh, God!
Stop! Fuck!
Get him out now.
No, no, wait. His instincts
are gonna kick in.
(MUFFLED YELLING)
No. I'm sorry to do this.
(COUGHING)
(GASPING)
Are you okay?
What happened?
Harry, you've forgotten
who you are.
We thought this might
jog your memory.
Look, when you were young,
you had a choice.
To either be a lepidopterist
or to join the army.
You chose the army.
That led to Kingsman.
You became a Kingsman agent.
I doubt whether
I'd work for anyone
who drowns their employees.
I want to go home.
I want my butterfly collection.
I want to see Mother.
GINGER: There's nothing more
we can do.
It's time to let him go.
EGGSY: Babe, I wish
I could stay longer,
but I've got to go on
with this mission.
Wait, wait, wait.
Before you go,
I wanna show you something.
EGGSY: Aw!
I know he could
never replace JB...
but...
Oh, my days.
I hoped he might make you happy.
(CHUCKLES)
And give you another reason
to come back home soon.
I love him.
But I don't need another
reason to come home.
(HORN BLARING)
I apologize.
Just waiting for my friend.
I'll be back as soon
as I can, I promise.
Got to go save the world?
Yep.
Well, if you save the world...
you know what that means.
Yeah, all right.
Bye, buddy.
Got the passes from my contact.
You're gonna love Glastonbury.
Well, that's the easy part, kid.
Take a look in the glove box.
EGGSY: Fucking hell, bruv.
Thought everything
was supposed to be bigger in America.
Is this why you overcompensate
with these massive cars?
Goes on your finger.
The surveillance tracker
is in the tip.
Apply light pressure for three
seconds to release it.
(CROWD CHEERING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
EGGSY: Okay, so according
to her Instagram feed...
Charlie's ex-girlfriend
is up ahead at the VIP bar.
Which one of us is gonna
plant the tracker?
Bands, boys.
Yeah, that's fine.
WHISKEY: I say we both
make an approach...
whoever gets on best,
goes for it.
Well, it doesn't have
to be a competition, bruv.
Why don't we just
go up to her...
shake her hand,
pat her on the back,
whatever, you know.
Job done.
The hand is not
a mucous membrane, Eggsy.
Neither is the back.
They teach you anything
at Kingsman?
What are you talking about?
Our trackers are designed
to enter the bloodstream.
They circulate harmlessly,
providing full audio and GPS.
EGGSY: Mucus membrane.
That's like up the nose,
isn't it?
What the fuck am I gonna do?
Stick my finger...
It's not just inside
the nose, is it?
No, Eggsy, it ain't.
Fuck.
All right,
I'll take the first crack.
Watch and learn, buddy.
(SCOFFS)
Good luck.
Here you go, ma'am.
Thank you.
Miss, I beg your pardon.
Now, I don't wanna pester you...
but I just have to know,
what time are you playing?
I'm not in a band.
Oh, God.
Who did you think I was?
Please don't say
someone ghastly.
God damn it,
now I feel like a fool.
I just assumed that a woman
with your charisma...
well, she just had
to be somebody.
Right.
Thank you.
No, it's okay.
I know you didn't mean
to make me feel
like a dumb-ass.
So I'll let you make it up to me
by letting me buy you a drink.
Follow my finger.
(CHUCKLES)
What are we doing?
Swiping to the left.
What, you don't do
Tinder in America?
Tinder what?
Do you know, I think it's
probably a generational thing.
It translates as
"Go away, old man."
Be good, be cool.
Bye.
Thank you for that.
I'm Clara.
River.
Bloody hell, is that the time?
You know what, I'm so jetlagged
I don't know
if I'm coming or going.
Where've you been?
Anywhere nice?
South America. Been spending
a bit of time out there.
Training with the shaman,
and trying to really connect
with my spirit animal.
Yeah.
I'm a crow.
And, hang on, let me guess...
No.
Jaguar.
What? No! Oh, my God!
Yes?
How did you even know that?
Look, it totally is.
Check it out.
Oh. Ino Moxo.
Black jaguar. Very nice.
You know what?
I wanna buy you a drink.
(INDISTINCT CHATTER)
MERLIN: Eggsy sent this
from Glastonbury.
And #bluerash is
trending on Twitter.
Have you found any correlation
between these cases?
Only recreational drug use.
Ah.
I know.
Not very Statesman-like.
Tequila here...
he is our resident bad boy.
You don't think
this could be related
to The Golden Circle, do you?
A drug cartel
poisoning its customers?
Doesn't make sense.
Mmm.
CHARLIE: Poppy, would you
pass the sugar, please?
POPPY: Okay.
But it's really bad for you.
Eight times more addictive
than cocaine.
Five times more likely
to cause death.
But it's legal...
so, you go ahead.
Knock yourself out.
Don't get me started
on tobacco and alcohol.
Peddle that stuff
and you're in Fortune 500.
But me? No!
I'm out here hiding
in the middle of
nowhere. Homesick.
Because I sell drugs.
Oh, Pops. You're doing this
because you're homesick?
POPPY: Yes.
I want freedom.
I want fame.
Our profits were
250 billion dollars last year.
I am the most successful
businesswoman
in the world,
but nobody knows who I am.
Pops, Pops.
It's not long now, eh?
You're right, thank you.
ANGEL: Sorry to interrupt you.
You wanted to see me,
Madam Poppy?
Yes, Angel.
In The Golden Circle...
we do not sample
the merchandise...
and we do not break the rules.
Which is why I have
invested in robots...
because they are
so much more reliable
and trustworthy
than human beings.
(WHISTLES)
(PANTING)
Oh!
(YELLING)
(SCREAMING)
Oh! Oh, no. Whoa! Whoa!
(SIGHS)
(CROWD CHEERING)
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
CLARA: Sorry we never
found your friends.
Well, we all go on
our separate journeys...
but, ultimately,
we'll all arrive
at the same destination.
Shall we check my tent?
See if they're there?
Uh... Yeah.
Oh, come on.
Wow.
This is amazing.
Come on.
Uh, you know what, I'm busting
for a pee actually. (CHUCKLES)
You could do it on me
if you want.
Uh...
Maybe in a bit.
Give me a sec, yeah?
Okay, but hurry up, River.
Been waiting all night for you
to at least kiss me.
(CHUCKLES)
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Hey!
EGGSY: Hi, babe.
Uh, bit of a nightmare.
I've got to sleep
with a target...
but I won't do it, unless
you agree that it's all right.
You've got
to be fucking kidding.
What was I, target practice?
Babe, surely it's better that
I'm honest with you...
rather than me doing it
and not telling you.
Kind of got a bit of
a "save the world" situation here.
How the fuck is screwing someone
gonna save the world?
Well, it's a bit complicated...
but trust me, I would not be
doing it if I didn't have to.
Babe, please believe me.
I love you.
You are the person I wanna spend
the rest of my life with.
Is that a proposal?
Um...
Because I think I'd give you
my permission.
Having that security, knowing
that we were committed...
In that context, yeah.
Yeah, I'd feel different.
Right. Well, I mean...
I want to be with you,
but being
a public figure, babe...
like a prince...
It's a bit of a factor,
you know,
what with my job and stuff.
Oh, no, no, no, come on. Okay.
Uh, look, we need to talk
about this properly.
Just give me five minutes, okay?
Don't put yourself down, Eggsy.
I'm sure you can last
longer than that.
(SIGHS)
(FLUSHES)
What's the matter?
Nothing.
I just feel that
our spirit animals
need more time to get in sync...
and find a harmonious bond
on the spiritual plane.
Totally.
Yeah?
Or we could just...
fuck?
Clara, I don't think I can.
But you know what?
My crow is looking
for a place to nest.
MERLIN: Good work, Eggsy!
Tracker fully functional.
(CLARA MOANING ON SPEAKERS)
Don't worry, I've been
through this with Whiskey before.
Nice to be working with an agent
who knows what he's doing.
(SIGHS)
CLARA: Wow, Mr. Crow. My turn.
EGGSY: I'm sorry. I can't.
I'm in a relationship.
That's adorable.
Listen, so am I.
What happens at Glasto,
stays in Glasto.
I can't.
Bye, Clara.
(LINE RINGING)
(VOICEMAIL)
This is Princess T,
please leave a message.
MAN (ON PHONE):
Motor Manor Hotel...
Yeah, can you put me through
to Princess Tilde, please.
Oh, actually, sir, I'm just
looking at my computer...
and I'm afraid that the princess
is already checked out.
EGGSY: Thank you.
Fuck!
Harry.
What's going on?
I was just packing.
Look at these lovely toiletries
Merlin very kindly gave me
as a leaving present.
Here, try this aftershave.
Yeah, I know, Harry.
I'm wearing it.
Listen, you can't just give up.
Give up?
No, on the contrary.
I'm about to achieve my dream.
Researching rare butterflies
alongside some of the finest
minds in entomology.
You know, you may as well
have me stuck up on this wall.
'Cause you're never gonna find a butterfly
more interesting than me.
Sorry?
When you and I first met,
I was just, like, a maggot.
Maggots turn into flies.
Perhaps you mean larva.
Larva, yeah, okay.
Whatever. The point is...
everyone wanted to squash me.
But not you.
You helped me
to become a caterpillar.
And now I've got wings.
I'm flying higher
than I ever dreamed.
And that is all thanks to you.
I hate to seem rude,
but I need to finish packing
and get some sleep.
Harry, you can't just walk away.
Kingsman needs you.
The whole world needs you.
I need you.
Eggy, whoever the Harry was
that you knew,
he's gone, I'm afraid.
Goodbye.
(COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING
ON SPEAKERS)
That's not a martini.
It is in Kentucky.
Fair enough.
HARRY: Here's to you, Eggsy.
You're exactly
what Kingsman needs.
(LINE RINGING)
(VOICEMAIL)
This is Princess T.
Please leave a message.
Can I have
another martini, please?
Sure.
Thanks.
(CELL PHONE CHIMES)
(SCOFFS) Give up.
(CHUCKLES)
You know what?
That was the best martini
I've ever had.
Keep the change.
Thanks.
(WHIMPERS)
EGGSY: It's all right.
Don't panic.
Just thought I'd bring you
a little leaving present.
What do you think?
He's lovely, isn't he?
(CHUCKLES)
Would you like to hold him?
Hello.
Do you think I should shoot him?
Are you quite mad?
What? What's the problem?
No! You can't!
Eh? What?
No, you'll have to shoot me!
Shoot you?
Well, I will shoot you.
No. No one's sick enough
to shoot a puppy!
Well, what about you, Harry?
You were sick enough
to shoot a puppy!
Do you remember?
(HEAVY BREATHING)
(GASPS)
EGGSY: You were sick enough
to shoot a puppy!
It was a blank.
Yes, Harry. Yes!
It was a fucking blank!
That's right. It was a blank!
I would never hurt Mr. Pickle!
Yes, Harry!
He lived to a ripe old age!
He died of pancreatitis!
You're not Mr. Pickle.
Eggsy.
Hello, Harry.
Eggsy.
Valentine has to be stopped.
No, I know.
He has a device.
It's all right.
It's sorted. Don't worry.
We got a lot of
catching up to do.
Well, well.
I suppose I should
cancel that taxi.
HARRY: Yes.
If you don't mind...
Merlin.
Welcome back...
Galahad.
EGGSY: Now that we've finished
the debrief, Harry...
here's a couple of
welcome back gifts.
First up...
a brand-new Kingsman watch.
Advanced software,
it can hack into anything
with a microchip.
It is the bollocks.
And Merlin...
MERLIN: I made you these.
A-ha.
Thank you, Merlin, Eggsy.
How do I look?
You look...
Like some faggot lookin' for
an eye fuckin'.
Now...
why don't you
get out of our bar...
before I take out
your other one?
Now, is that any way
to welcome a visitor
from out of town, moonshine?
Okay.
Suck my southern dick...
bitch.
Oh, I don't think
that'll be necessary.
Good day, sir.
Well?
What are you ladies waitin' for?
Manners...
maketh...
man.
Do you know what that means?
Then let me teach you a lesson.
Are we going to stand
around here all day?
Or are we going to...
(GRUNTS)
(GLASS SHATTERS)
MAN: You big...
(MEN WHOOPING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
Well, pick him up.
Now, that is not what I call
a Kentucky welcome.
Manners maketh man.
Let me translate that for you.
(GRUNTING)
What's wrong with me, Merlin?
I thought you fixed me?
Well, we rebuilt
your neural pathways.
But it'll take time to get
your coordination back.
(SCREAMS AND GROANS)
(WHIP CRACKS)
And the phantom butterflies?
You will experience episodes...
lapses of clarity.
You'll be back to normal soon.
(GRUNTING)
Whoo.
I feel like a tornado
in a trailer park.
CHOIR:
Golden Circle proudly presents
Mr. President,
my name is Poppy Adams.
I believe the UN has no teeth.
So I've selected you,
as leader of the free world,
to receive this communication.
And I invite you
to begin negotiations...
on the largest scale
hostage situation in history.
A few weeks ago,
an engineered virus
was released...
contained in all
varieties of my product.
Cannabis, cocaine, heroin,
opium, ecstasy...
...and crystal meth.
Some of you
are already infected.
And this is what you can expect
in the coming days.
After a brief
incubation period...
victims present
with stage one symptoms.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
A blue rash.
Next...
second stage symptoms appear.
(SNAPS FINGERS) Mania...
as the virus enters the brain.
(WHISPERS)
Very distressing to the victim
and those around them.
Stage three... (SNAPS FINGERS)
(GASPING)
Paralysis.
Muscles enter a state
of catastrophic seizure.
And once the muscles of
the thorax become affected...
breathing becomes impossible...
leading to a very nasty death
within 12 hours.
But I have good news to
the millions already affected.
It doesn't have to be this way.
I have an antidote.
(SNAPS FINGERS)
What have you done to me,
you fucking bitch?
(SIGHS)
100% effective...
and ready to ship out worldwide
at a moment's notice.
Get out of my room!
You have my word.
Get out!
I will do this...
if the following
conditions are met.
Get out of my fucking room!
First, you agree
to end the war on drugs,
once and for all.
All classes of substance
are legalized...
paving the way
to a new marketplace
in which sales
are regulated and taxed...
as per alcohol.
And second, my colleagues and
I receive full legal immunity.
Meet my terms...
and I look forward
to helping you
keep our beloved
country great...
boosting our ailing economy,
and easing spending
on law enforcement.
Or continue this
blinkered, outmoded...
and, frankly, disastrous
exercise in prohibition...
and live with blood
on your hands.
Save lives. Legalize.
I told you that shit
was no good for you.
REPORTER: Who is Poppy Adams?
After graduating
Harvard Business School...
Adams was briefly held
for serious mental
health issues...
before disappearing
without a trace.
Intelligent, ambitious,
ruthless,
lacks empathy,
superficial charm.
All the elements of a great CEO.
Or a psychopath.
Following the broadcast
of Adams's message
to the president...
there were scenes
of chaos today...
at medical centers
across the country and around the world.
DOCTOR: We have
no more beds available.
The hospital is
at full capacity.
The blue rash
is now being renamed.
"The Dancing Disease"...
as victims begin to exhibit
stage two symptoms.
Let's prep the cryo unit.
MERLIN:
You want to freeze him?
GINGER: Exactly.
REPORTER: Victims of the virus
caused by contaminated
recreational drugs...
flooded hospitals and clinics
in fear for their lives.
(CLAMORING)
REPORTER 2:
Curfews and no travel orders
are being considered
as authorities assess
the scale of the disaster.
Close it.
REPORTER 2:
But there has still been
no official response
from the president...
who remains locked
in emergency talks.
Prepare a presidential decree.
Tell intelligence and law enforcement
to stand down.
We're gonna dance
to this lady's tune.
FOX: Good.
We can make this work.
We spin it
that it's not a matter
of negotiation with terrorists.
No, what I'm proposing...
is we appear
to agree to her demands
to prevent global panic...
and then let the junkie scum
go down in flames. Huh?
(laughing)
Huh? Yeah.
Take Poppy Adams and her so-called
Golden Circle down with them.
No drug users, no drug trade.
It's a win-win situation here.
But, sir, we're not talking about
a handful of hostages.
We could be looking
at the deaths
of hundreds
of millions worldwide.
Hundreds of millions
of criminals,
burdens to society.
Am I right, McCoy?
Absolutely, sir.
But, sir, that's...
What about people who were
just experimenting?
Folks who self-medicate?
Functioning
professionals? Kids?
Oh, spare me the crap, Fox.
(CHUCKLES) The fact is,
this presidency has just
won the war on drugs.
Congratulations, sir.
Thank you.
And that deserves a toast.
FOX: This is
totally unethical, sir.
PRESIDENT: Fox, shut up!
McCoy, declare martial law.
We need to keep control,
commandeer stadiums,
schools, civic centers...
order a press blackout.
And put the military on standby
to round these junkies up.
Whether they broke
the law or not,
those victims are human beings.
Tequila.
He's a great guy.
And a great agent.
Right now, he's lying in deep
freeze waitin' on our help.
We can't make
this personal, sir.
Personal?
Agent, we can't stand by
and let folks like him die.
These people,
we're their only hope.
Now, we have
to find that antidote.
Poppy's stockpiles, well,
they could be anywhere.
HARRY:
She must have some on hand.
Locate Poppy...
and obtain a sample
for analysis.
Maybe it can be replicated.
GINGER: Sorry to cut in, guys.
But Charlie is on the phone
with his girlfriend.
Looping you in now.
CLARA: Don't worry.
I'm on a payphone...
covered in a fucking blue rash.
Why didn't you tell me?
All you said was,
"Don't take any drugs."
It was a music festival
for fuck's sake.
Fuck. Shit. Shit! Okay.
Listen. You need to get
to the lab in Italy.
Do you remember
where we went skiing?
Yes. Yes, I remember.
Yeah. Meet me there
and I'll give you the antidote.
(SIGHS)
Okay.
All right. Jet's ready.
Whiskey, Galahad, get to Italy.
You two need to fix
this code name thing.
And with all due respect, sir...
I don't think Galahad senior
is ready to return to fieldwork.
I did actually mean...
Of course.
And with all disrespect...
I'm not going anywhere
without him.
Brains, skills...
skipping rope?
(LAUGHS)
It's a lasso.
EGGSY: Whatever.
Come on.
(CHAMP LAUGHS)
Go on. Vamoose.
WHISKEY: Yes, sir.
Drink it.
(SIGHS)
(GASPING)
Wow.
CLARA: It's working already.
(sighs) Thank God.
Agent Whiskey.
Antidote confirmed
at the target's location.
Good luck.
WHISKEY: Hold up.
We need you down here, Galahad.
To secure the control room.
EGGSY:
Probably a good idea, Harry.
Call you from the top, yeah?
Buongiorno!
Buongiorno.
(SPEAKING ITALIAN)
(BEEPING)
Hey!
So sorry about this.
At the controls. In position.
Keep this cable car here
till we get back.
HARRY: Roger that, Eggsy.
Clara's definitely here.
We're getting warmer.
Harry Hart, Harry Hart,
super spy, super spy.
Looks like we've got a door.
GINGER: Yep.
There you go.
I'll cover.
Hi, there.
Whew.
Sorry I'm late.
You guys did not make
this place easy to find.
Who are you?
I'm here to collect
this antidote.
For Singapore?
Yeah.
You are Wu Ting Feng?
Yes.
Hey, how are you still alive?
River, what are you doing here?
CHARLIE: River?
EGGSY: Hi, Clara.
What happens at Glasto,
stays in Glasto.
You motherfucker!
Bye, Charlie.
Sound the alarm!
You fucking cockroach!
(ALARM BLARING)
Jam the door!
Give...
Fuck!
WHISKEY:
Galahad, we're coming.
All clear at the bottom?
Galahad, come in!
Open the fucking door.
They've locked.
Open the door!
Harry, come on, we're in.
Let's go.
Away, butterflies.
Butterfly? No, Harry. You've
got to shut the doors, please.
Come on.
We've gotta go now. Please!
Shut the fucking door, Harry!
Harry, are you there?
Well done, Harry.
Good. Thanks, man.
Come on. Now!
It's done.
Thank you.
You all good down there, Harry?
All clear.
Hello, Eggsy.
Enjoy the ride, bruv.
Oh, shit.
(GRUNTS)
(BOTH YELLING)
All the buttons are dead.
Controls gone.
Everything's in shutdown.
You're on your own, Eggsy.
(LAUGHS)
(BOTH GROANING)
(YELLING)
(WHISKEY GASPING)
What the fuck is that?
(BOTH YELLING)
Oh, my God.
(GROANS)
(BOTH YELLING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
(PANTING)
(BOTH GRUNT)
You've gotta be fucking kidding!
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
Jesus fucking Christ!
What the fuck is that?
What the hell is that?
Shit!
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(BOTH YELLING)
(ALL YELLING)
(PANTING)
That's the first decent shit
I've had in three weeks.
Harry, meet us at the
emergency rendezvous point.
Roger that.
Got you on the GPS.
EGGSY: So weird to think
this tiny thing
could save the world.
Let me have a look.
(METHODICAL KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Harry.
Am I late?
You found the antidote.
Get down!
(GUNSHOT)
You fucking dickhead!
Fuck you!
I just saved your life!
Yeah, and cost millions
of people theirs!
(PANTING)
All right, they're going
for cover and reloading.
I'll fix their wagons.
Cover me, boys!
Wait.
Eggsy, I think he could be
working for the other side.
What the fuck is wrong with you?
You're having
a brain fart! Look!
Does that look like
he's working with them?
Harry, are you seeing
butterflies again?
I know what I'm seeing.
(GRUNTING)
(GUNS CLICK)
Good job
he didn't need our help.
Thank fucking Christ
I didn't need any backup!
I'm out of ammo!
Troop carrier coming in.
What've you got?
Fuck!
Shit!
There's a fuck ton of 'em!
What is this?
Looks like you packed for
a fucking slumber party, not a mission!
And they've got
fucking Gatling guns!
MAN: You have 10 seconds
to surrender before we open fire!
Guys, hurry up!
MAN: 10!
Hey!
MAN: 9!
Butterfly guy!
8!
You don't look like
Ginger fixed you right.
7!
I said I'm empty!
6!
Give me yours.
5!
Harry, give him the fucking gun!
4!
Harry, no!
Oh, fuck it! Fire!
Harry, get down!
I mean, honestly, Harry,
what the fuck is wrong with you?
He broke the vial on purpose!
You're a fucking idiot!
You're out of control, Harry!
If we made it out of here,
he was gonna kill us both!
For fuck's sake, it looks like he wouldn't
have fucking had to!
Oh, ye of little faith.
(EXPLOSION)
This does not mean
you're off the fucking hook!
We need to go dark.
We don't know
who else at Statesman
could be working against us.
Shit! This is all my fault.
You weren't ready for the field
and I pushed for it!
He showed his hand.
You think he'd have let us live?
You should be thanking me
for saving our arses!
Saving our arses?
Try saying that
to fucking Whiskey!
(HISSING)
You are unbelievable!
Merlin, can you hear me?
MERLIN: Yes, Eggsy.
Whiskey's down.
He's been shot.
What happened?
He got caught in the crossfire.
I've applied the alpha gel.
We'll bring him in.
But first, I've gotta find a
way to get back up to that lab
and retrieve more antidote.
(HELICOPTER APPROACHING)
CLARA: Charlie, what's
happening? Where are you?
Everything's under control.
I'm sorry, Charlie.
I'm so sorry.
Please don't tell Poppy
it was me they followed.
CHARLIE: Don't worry, darling.
What happens in Italy...
(PANTING)
stays in Italy.
Thank you.
(EXPLOSIONS)
Merlin, change of plans.
Wu Ting Feng, Singapore.
Who?
EGGSY: Exactly.
It's the only lead we've got.
So I suggest
you find out who he is.
Come on.
Wu Ting Feng, he's
an assistant at a law firm.
MERLIN: Let's get through
their firewall.
GINGER: Yep.
Merlin...
have you ever wanted
to do more than this?
Are you serious?
Yeah.
This is vital.
Without us, they'd be lost.
I know, but you know
what I mean.
Get out there in the field.
Well, have you ever asked?
Of course I have.
But every time an agent's
position has come up...
Whiskey has voted against me.
No.
Yeah.
Wait, wait, wait.
Look, check it out.
Email in from Poppy,
from a senior partner
at the firm.
They're coordinates.
Cambodia?
You have any reconnaissance
drones down in Asia?
GINGER: Sure do.
Sending them in right now.
NEWS ANCHOR 1:
The government today urged.
Golden Circle victims...
to report to
the temporary field hospitals
now set up across the country.
NEWS ANCHOR 2: The president's
handling of the crisis
has been commended
by other world leaders.
Damn. Politics has
never been so easy.
Oh, Jesus, Fox.
What?
Oh, God.
Like I said, sir...
this affects all people
from all backgrounds.
I'm disappointed, Fox.
Disappointed and disgusted.
Mr. President,
I routinely work
a 20 hour day for you,
7 days a week.
Maybe some can do that
without chemical help.
Countless people
are going to die.
You can save them, sir.
Innocent people like me.
Not that innocent.
(CLICKS TONGUE)
He looks great.
Good.
Good news, gentlemen.
He'll be back on
his feet in no time.
I'm not certain
that's a good idea.
What do you mean?
I shot Agent Whiskey.
Deliberately.
What, why?
He was working against us.
And until we find out why,
I say we trust no one.
Merlin, Harry's sick.
This whole thing is my fault.
I thought he was ready.
(CELL PHONE RINGING)
(SIGHS)
I'm sorry,
I've got to take this.
Listen to me.
This is not about
my mental health.
If there's a chance there's
a double agent in our midst...
or worse, if Statesman itself
has a dark agenda...
we have to safeguard
this mission.
We both know the president
wants these victims dead.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, baby.
(CHUCKLES)
Hey.
(PRINCESS TILDE LAUGHS)
Fuck.
Look, Harry, I trust you.
I always have.
But it's about this situation.
We need Statesman's resources.
And I need to know
that you are fit for work.
Babe, why didn't you call me?
Are you the banana man?
Listen, we're on
the verge of finding
an antidote.
It's gonna be all right.
Now, look left for me.
There's nothing wrong
with my brain.
Look right.
Can you remember the headline
when you uncovered
that spy ring in the Pentagon?
The football.
England beat Germany, 5-1.
Thatcher's
assassination attempt.
Charles and Di's wedding.
(CHUCKLES) Hey, Bjorn Borg.
Babe, if you can hear me,
I want you to know
that I love you.
And if we get through this,
and you'll have me back...
I wanna be with you.
No matter what.
I promise I won't let you down.
It's all gonna be all right.
My favorite singer.
I don't bloody know.
How would I know that?
It's John Denver.
Merlin!
Have you got eyes
on that location yet?
Soon. The reconnaissance
drone's about an hour away.
Which gives us time
to sort out...
Bollocks, we haven't
time for anything.
I'm leaving now.
With or without you.
Hello!
(GUNS COCKING)
GUARD: Identify yourself.
My name is Stacey Prewitt.
I'm Ms. Poppy Adams' attorney.
Poppy, you expecting
a lawyer tonight?
Oh, yes. Please send him in.
But don't forget to
reactivate the landmines.
(PROTESTERS CLAMORING)
Good evening, Ms. Adams.
My lawyer is bringing you
the document right now.
Hurry up.
And once you countersign,
it becomes
an executive decree...
and you can't back out,
and then I release the antidote.
Can you give me any assurance
you can get it
out there in time?
And where's it gonna come from?
How long it'll take
to distribute?
I wouldn't worry about that.
I have secure stockpiles...
hidden in every
major city worldwide.
And when I enter
the access code...
my fleet of drones
will distribute
the antidote immediately.
So don't dilly-dally
signin' that document
'cause time is running out.
(laughs)
You dumb bitch!
You all right?
What was that
phone call you got?
Let's not, Harry.
I don't think
you'd sympathize...
and I'm not really in
the mood for a lecture.
All right.
How about a martini?
For old times' sake?
Yeah, all right.
I had a girlfriend.
I lost her.
And it broke me.
And now,
if this mission fails...
she's gonna die.
I know it's against
Kingsman rules,
having a relationship.
When I was shot...
can you guess
what the last thing was
that flashed through my mind?
It was absolutely nothing.
I had no ties.
No bittersweet memories.
I was leaving nothing behind.
Never experienced
companionship...
never been in love...
and in that moment...
all I felt was loneliness...
and regret.
I'm sorry.
Don't be.
Just know that
having something to lose...
is what makes life worth living.
Now, let's go
and save your girl.
I missed you, Harry.
Gentlemen.
I hate to break up a party.
We're nearly there,
so I suggest we get ready.
Follow me.
Oh, yes.
(GASPING)
Hello, gorgeous.
I'm Jack. What's your name?
How would you like to ride
home on a real cowboy?
I got a six pack
of cold ones on ice
and my roomie's out all night.
So you can scream my name
as loud as you need to, sugar.
I hate to do this to you, Jack.
Who's this pretty lady?
She's dead.
Cops said wrong place,
wrong time.
Hey, honey. I'm heading
to the grocery store.
My name is Poppy Adams.
(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)
Ginger.
Goddamn butterfly guy shot me
in the fucking head.
Why would he do that?
(PANTING)
Well, I'm guessing
you didn't fix him right.
And where the hell is he?
He's on his way to Cambodia
with Eggsy and Merlin.
That's where Poppy's base is.
Eggsy's gonna need backup.
Yes, he is.
Get the Silver Pony
on the runway
and ready to take off.
EGGSY: Hey, hey.
Looking good, Merlin.
Feeling good, Eggsy.
(CHUCKLES)
Right. This is yours.
That's for you.
Press the "S".
Minesweeper.
Courtesy of Statesman.
EGGSY: And what about these?
MERLIN: Careful.
Those are hand grenades.
As discussed...
this is for the endgame.
I'm entrusting it to you.
And I'm entrusting this...
to me.
NEWS ANCHOR 1: Millions of
Golden Circle victims worldwide...
are now entering
stage three paralysis.
NEWS ANCHOR 2:
In his latest statement...
the president promised
he was doing
everything in his power...
to speed up negotiations
and save lives.
But fears are growing
that for many,
it may soon be too late.
Our thoughts and prayers
are with the victims.
God help us all.
(SOBBING)
HARRY (WHISPERING): Right.
This is where we split up.
Pincer movement.
Merlin, you're with me.
Eggsy, you signal
when we're in position.
(CLICKS)
(BEEPING)
MERLIN: Don't move.
You move, we die.
Luckily, I have this.
This spray will freeze
the trigger mechanism...
give us a split second.
So on the count of three...
what I want you to...
Merlin!
(PANTING)
Merlin, what the fuck
have you done?
Our journey together
began many years ago...
when your father
did the same thing for us.
Our journey began
with a mistake I made.
Give me the can.
That's an order.
Can's empty.
Split second's over.
You two need to get going.
No, no, no.
There's got to be another way.
HARRY: He's right.
Mission comes first.
Bollocks, mission comes first!
Eggsy!
This is no time for emotion.
Remember your training.
Or we all die.
Now get on with it.
Do as you're told.
Move it!
Go.
It's been an honor.
Good luck.
MERLIN:
Almost heaven
(GUNS COCKING)
West Virginia
Blue Ridge Mountains
Shenandoah River
Poppy, come in.
POPPY: Roger.
Life is old there
GUARD: Are you expecting
another lawyer?
Older than the trees
GUARD: There's
a guy here singing.
Younger than the mountains
Singing?
Blowin' like a breeze
Country roads
Take me home
To the place
I belong
POPPY: Bring him to me.
West Virginia
Mountain momma
Take me home
Country road
GUARD 2: Poppy,
we got a situation here.
Country roads
Take me home
To the place I belong
West Virginia
Mountain momma
Take me home
Country roads
(GUARDS GROANING)
POPPY: Ooh.
He stepped on a land mine.
Can we get somebody out there
to clean that up?
Hello?
(PIANO PLAYING)
(GUNFIRE)
Crap. We're under attack.
Code five. Code five.
You two, off your fuckin' asses.
Guard the door.
Sir Elton, stay here.
We're under attack.
(ALARM BLARING)
Is it a rescue attempt?
Might be.
Yes!
(PLAYS UPBEAT TUNE)
ELTON:
Wednesday, Wednesday
Wednesday, Wednesday
Wednesday, Wednesday
Wednesday night's
all right
Hey
Isn't that supposed
to be Saturday?
What day is it today?
Wednesday.
Exactly!
(GROANS)
(GRUNTS)
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
Elton, just calm down.
Fuck you!
(GUARDS YELLING)
GUARD: Stay there, Elton.
ELTON: Fuck off!
Or I'll fuck you up.
Fuck me.
(YELLING)
(GRUNTING)
Holy cow.
Get this out of here. Go!
HARRY: Eggsy, get the case.
(BEEPING)
You are going to tell me...
what the access code is.
(WHISTLES)
(BULLET CLINKS)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(BARKING)
(GROWLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(PANTING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
Come on, Jet. Good girl.
(GROANS)
(YELLS)
Motherfucker!
(GROANING)
(GRUNTS)
(PANTING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
Get out of the way, Elton.
Stay down.
It's not allowed to hurt me.
Thank you.
(EGGSY WHEEZING)
(SIGHING)
(BEEPING)
(GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
Fuck you, Poppy!
Fuck you, Poppy!
Fuck you, Elton.
Kill Elton John.
Fuck!
Elton, take the ball.
(CRACKLES)
(GASPS)
(WHIRRING)
(BARKING)
Thank you.
Now, go off and save the world.
If I save the world,
can I have two tickets
to your next concert?
Darling, if you save the world,
you can have a backstage pass.
(GROANING)
Fuck you.
Time's up.
Fuck!
POPPY: Bennie, Bennie, Bennie!
Get them!
Got it.
(BARKING)
CHARLIE: Kill him, Bennie!
Here, heel! Heel! Good boy!
Come on!
(GRUNTS)
(GROANS)
Give me the code.
No. We're not done yet.
Lucky for you, Charlie...
one of us understands
what it means to be a gentleman.
(PANTING)
Let's make this fair.
(GRUNTING)
(GROANING)
(POWERING DOWN)
Give me the code!
I can't.
Only Poppy knows it.
Well, then you're no use
to me, are you?
For the record, Charlie...
I'm more of a gentleman
than you'll ever be.
But right now, it's time
to drop the gentle bit.
This is for Kingsman.
For my mate Brandon.
For Roxy.
For JB.
And for Merlin.
Good night, bruv.
(NECK SNAPS)
(PANTING)
Hey, fellas.
You're going to
give us the code.
(GASPS) Mmm.
Or what?
'Cause you don't seem like
the kind of gentleman
who would hurt a lady.
Perhaps not.
Call me old-fashioned...
I don't consider genocide
especially ladylike.
Right. Enough small talk.
Give us the code.
Sure.
No. I don't think so.
Ooh!
Ow!
Heroin.
You know, where I come from...
this shit you've been peddling's
ruined a lot of lives.
But yours is even more deadly.
But it feels so nice,
it's gonna make you
lower your guard.
Mmm.
Our colleague, Merlin,
may he rest in peace...
managed to synthesize your
horrible little formula...
and speed up its effects.
So I would say you have
just under eight minutes...
before paralysis sets in
and your breathing stops.
But, of course,
you know all about that.
So here's the deal.
You release the antidote worldwide,
and we make sure you get a dose.
I have to give you
the code to live?
Honey, you're so smart.
You should work for me.
Right. Give us the code.
Why not? The decree's getting
signed soon... (SNIFFS)
anyhoo. Um...
It's "Viva las vegan."
Get it?
"Viva las..."
Mmm.
(SLURRING)
Come snuggle with me.
I like you.
(DISTORTED) I don't think
that's terribly likely.
(LAUGHING)
She's OD'd.
You gave her too much.
Did I?
You know, I really don't have
as much experience with all this drug stuff...
as people think.
Better be the right code.
(SIGHS)
"Viva las..."
So?
Don't move, kid.
You try anything funny,
and I'll turn
this thing electric.
Now give up your guns,
fellas. Slide 'em over.
Whiskey.
We are all
on the same side here.
You've had a head injury.
The exact same thing
happened to Harry.
You're havin'
some sort of brain glitch.
Nope. My brain's
all good, kid.
And you know what?
I reckon the same was true for your friend
Harry over here.
Real fine instincts,
I'll give him that.
So stay still...
or I'll dice him up so small,
you can take him
home in a bucket...
and still have room
for what's left
of your buddy, Merlin.
Well, that's just fucking great.
You're working
for the president?
That asshole?
(CHUCKLES)
Hell no. It's a matter
of personal principle, agent.
No more drug users.
And the Statesman
share price rockets.
So those are your principles?
Making money?
Our agencies were
founded to uphold peace.
To protect the innocent.
Do you wanna know
who was innocent?
My high school sweetheart.
Love of my life.
Pregnant with my little boy.
He'd be about your age now...
if his mama hadn't got caught
in the crossfire...
when two meth head freaks
decided to rob
a fucking convenience store.
A world without
those people in it...
sure smells like peace to me.
You break the law...
you pay the price.
Good riddance...
to all of them.
That's why I got
to destroy that case.
Now slide it over,
Agent Galahad.
Thank you.
Do you know what, Harry?
I think he's got a point.
I think it sounds
like a bright idea.
(BEEPS)
(CRACKLING)
(GRUNTING)
(GRUNTING)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(GROANS)
(BOTH GRUNTING)
(CHOKING)
Put alpha gel on that, dickhead.
(LOCK CLICKS)
"Viva las vegan."
(BEEPS)
EGGSY:
This one's for you, Merlin.
It's a day
of worldwide celebration
as millions rejoice...
after they or their loved ones
were saved from death.
(MOTHER SIGHS)
(PARENTS EXCLAIMING)
FEMALE NEWS ANCHOR:
Distribution of The Golden Circle antidote continues...
and field hospitals
are emptying...
as victims return
to their homes tonight, cured.
Come on, Liam. Man, come on.
Yes! Yes! Yes!
(both laughing)
I love you, man!
I love you!
I'm never touching
that shit again!
What happened?
Did I miss something?
You sure did.
From now on, Tequila,
I suggest you stick to booze.
FOX: The president
actively sanctioned
the deaths of hundreds
of millions of people...
and lied to the public.
I am proud to be responsible
for his impeachment...
and I will do everything I can
to ensure a smooth
transition of power.
CHAMP: In honor
of this historic occasion,
we have purchased...
a distillery in Scotland.
(UNCORKS BOTTLE)
This shows the world...
that Kingsman is now
joining the liquor business.
Before we were cousins.
Now we're brothers,
working side-by-side.
All our resources are now yours.
You can rebuild.
Yeah, y'all shittin'
in high cotton now.
(CHUCKLES)
(CLINKS BOTTLE)
Agent Tequila,
this is a formal occasion...
where's your tie and jacket?
Sorry, sir.
Maybe the Kingsman boys
can dress you properly.
To our union!
ALL: To our union!
(SNIFFLING)
Final order of business...
we would be honored
if one of you would be
our new Agent Whiskey.
Yeah, this two Galahad thing
is just fucking confusing.
(BOTH STUTTERING)
Well, I'm very honored...
Champ...
I'd like to throw
my hat in the ring.
All right!
Statesmen, the vote.
Looks like she's in.
Have a seat.
(CHUCKLES)
To Agent Whiskey!
Agent Whiskey!
Cheers!
Are you sure
I don't look like a dick?
Look in the mirror.
What do you see?
Someone who can't believe
what the fuck is going on.
(SIGHS)
I see a man who is honorable...
brave...
loyal...
who's fulfilled
his huge potential.
A man who's done
something good with his life.
I owe you everything, Harry.
Thank you.
Don't mention it.
You ready?
Not a doubt in my mind.
(ALL CHEERING)
HARRY: As one of our
founding Kingsman once said...
this is not the end.
It is not even the beginning
of the end.
But it is, perhaps,
the end of the beginning.
Yeah!