REUNION
Ouch ...
Why the hell don't they use
the mail slot like in the old days?
- Ouch.
- You okay?
It's just that cheap toilet paper
you keep buying. It cuts me up.
And why the damn mood lighting?
I can't see a bloody thing.
You wanna impress the girls?
Then turn down the gayness.
Shut up. The last time you scored,
a cell phone weighed twenty pounds.
Twenty-five ...
No, I just need some more light.
Did they boil the letters or what?
Really. They know they're writing
to people over the age of forty.
You read it.
"Dear Niels. To all the members
of our schools best year ever."
"It's now twenty-five years since
we graduated from high school."
"You are therefore invited to
a reunion with the old gang."
"You've each been given
an assignment.
"Yours is to give a speech
for the occasion."
"We look forward to seeing you.
PS: Don't forget your cap."
A speech?
Christ ...
- Where are you?
- There.
Has it really been
twenty-five years already?
Shit, that's twice my whole life.
DESIGN AWARD
Going swimming?
- No, it's just the toilet paper.
- Listen, Niels ...
Your design is impeccable as always.
A delight.
But, seriously,
it needs a little oomph.
What do you mean?
Some bling.
Some bling?
Gunnar, it's a handicap toilet.
Christ, I know that, but ...
Maybe we should let Jesper
jazz it up a bit.
Jesper?
What are you talking about?
Jazz!
It's a deal, then.
Take good care of your butt.
My uncle also thought it was
the paper, but he had anal cancer.
Hi, Niels!
It is you, right?
I didn't recognize you at first.
You've grown so old and ugly.
It's a good thing you were still hot
when I met you.
I'm just joking.
Are you saying
I couldn't pull you today?
- That's impossible to answer.
- Sure it isn't.
Imagine you've never seen me before
and I'll walk in.
- Are you ready?
- Yeah.
Here I come.
So, what do you think?
I think you need to stop obsessing
or you'll sprain your neck.
Jesus ...
Leave me alone!
I'm not going to that reunion.
What the hell am I supposed to
give a speech about?
You have hemorrhoids.
But that's quite normal
for men at our age.
We use a very coarse
brand of toilet paper at home.
Right.
Let me just have a feel ...
... a bit further up ...
... now that the cork is off,
so to speak.
Why don't we get better at things
as we grow older?
We get worse at seeing,
at hearing ...
... and taking a dump.
I can't get my finger out
when you're this agitated.
Thank you.
I'm writing you a prescription
for some ointment you can use.
Would it ...
Would it be possible
to get some antidepressants?
For you to take every day
for the rest of your life?
What do you want me to do then?
Apply a generous amount
of ointment two times a day.
And get it as far up as you can.
Thank you!
I never thought
I'd get to bang you again.
Again? Have we done it before?
Yeah. Don't you remember?
in the ladies' room,
on the changing table.
- Did you do something to your hair?
- No.
Oh, now I recognize you!
I'm off to bed. Come by if
you're in the mood. Laerke.
Guess who?
- Simone.
- So good to see you.
- That was one hell of a show.
- Really? Thanks.
When are you and I gonna do it?
- Do you mind?
- Chill out. The more the merrier.
What are you talking about?
That sounds fantastic, girls,
but no thanks.
See ya!
Or you can have me alone.
They can do those up for you
in Sweden.
Easy, boy. We're friends,
remember? That's right.
You've been here all night
and didn't wake me?
Where are you going?
Just popping down to the bakery
for some muffins and rolls.
Thomas?
And a Danish.
- Hey, Niels.
- Hi, Thomas.
You can take off the helmet
when you're not on the bike.
Sure, but it's important
to set a good example.
By wearing a helmet
when you're buying muffins?
Next, please.
Right, let me have ...
Five rolls.
This must be what it's like
being dead.
There you go.
How may I help you?
A ciabatta and four Italian rolls.
- Did you hear about Andreas?
- No.
It's insane.
There you go. Anything else?
Let's have four more.
Remember Hanne?
She got so into yoga
she totally neglected Andreas.
So he started
looking at other girls.
He got so addicted to porn
they decided to get counseling.
He doesn't turn me on anymore.
And even though
he started listening to her -
- and rubbing her neck instead of
jerking off, one day she said:
I've fallen in love
with somebody else.
With who?
With Karsten.
- The therapist?
- Yep. I know the guy.
- He's twenty nine.
- Shit ...
Anything else?
- What are those in the next basket?
- Spelt rolls.
- I don't want any more.
- Spelt rolls? Give me four of those.
Anyway ...
She got herself a pair of
ass antlers and left him.
He sees his son
every other week.
Twenty-five years down the drain.
Wow, he must really hate
that therapist.
Yup. And every other guy
under the age of thirty.
Now Andreas is obsessed
with finding a new girlfriend.
He can't stand being alone.
He probably won't be going
to the reunion either.
Do you mind?
It's not a public toilet.
Chill, dude.
You never been young?
Sure, but I didn't piss
all over the bakery!
It's fucking disgusting!
Sure, it's disgusting,
but what the hell's eating you?
Thomas, do you remember
our last graduation party?
How we laughed
at our history teacher?
That's different. Look at Mick Jagger.
He's seventy and still playing.
Look at Michael Laudrup.
He's our age and not playing at all.
That schmuck retired way too soon.
You need to get out more.
To feel you're still alive.
- At the reunion, maybe?
- I told you, I'm not going.
You're going to that party
and so is Andreas.
What's the matter with you?
Is it the speech?
What am I supposed to say?
That I have hemorrhoids?
- I can't even pull my own wife.
- I'll tell you what we'll do.
We'll go away for the weekend,
the three of us.
We'll go out, flirt with the ladies.
Next day we'll go to the reunion -
- and you give one hell of a speech.
Say yes. It'll work.
Your hemorrhoid ointment ...
Want me to put it in your sponge bag?
- Daddy ...
- Not now.
- It won't open.
- What is it?
My graduation cap.
The lock is busted.
Daddy? Daddy ...
Leave off with the damn glasses!
There! Thanks.
- You're welcome.
- I just needed some more light.
Daddy ...
- Daddy ...
- No way I'm wearing that.
Daddy? Daddy!
Wait a minute, goddammit!
Give me a moment's peace!
I'm sorry, I'm sorry ...
- I know.
- You know what?
It's hard for me to love you
when you keep hating yourself.
- Hey.
- Hiya.
- Not exactly a pussy wagon.
- No, but it's great for families.
- Hi, Laerke.
- Hi.
Here. You'll want something
to show your class-mates, too.
Right.
Have a nice trip.
Everything all right?
- Hi, Laerke.
- Hi, Andreas.
Hiya. Hi, Niels.
Are we off?
Take it easy.
Sorry.
- What's in the canister?
- Helium. I'm in charge of balloons.
I'm supposed to sing a song
and Niels is giving a speech.
Thank God I'm not the one. Having
to look a fool in front of the class -
- and be laughed at
for the next twenty-five years.
Thanks for giving me writer's block.
Just take some helium, then.
- Shit, I'm so excited.
- It's gonna be great.
- Why're you sitting on a swim ring?
- I've got hemorrhoids.
So, are you and Laerke
back together?
- We're not together.
- Then what are you?
- Friends with benefits?
- What's this?
- Put that back.
- Do you use it on your way to work?
Well, my nose hairs are growing.
And my ass hairs are growing. You
should mention that in your speech.
- I told you to put it back.
- Goddammit.
Will Hanne be there?
- No idea. We don't talk anymore.
- Not at all?
No. She left me, so she's the one
who should stay away.
- I'm not sure she'd agree.
- Just avoid each other then.
- And what about Victor?
- That's the worst part.
It's so tough
only having him part time.
I hate having to return him to her.
But don't you appreciate
all the free time you have?
Unlike you,
I happen to like children.
Who says I don't like children?
Then how come
you haven't gotten any?
It wasn't me.
Ask them if theyd like to get laid.
Hi there.
Ask them if theyd like to get laid.
Out riding your bikes, eh?
- Are you laughing at me?
- The light turned green
Aw, shut up.
It's red.
Oops. We've got company.
Are you cruising for pussy
or a bruising?
Do we get to pick?
I'll have some pussy, then.
Three horny senior citizens
in a Berlingo? Fat chance.
Now move it,
or I'll kick your fucking ass.
You looking for trouble, ass-wipe?
- What are you doing?
- Who do they think they are?!
They fuck our wives,
steal our jobs and laugh at us!
I'm so fucking tired of them
and their stupid tattoos!
- What are you doing?
- Throwing a Christian Bale.
Just act like a madman.
That'll cool 'em right off.
Damn, she's cute, huh?
- There you go.
- Thank you.
I have some of your tunes
on my iPhone.
Really? Cool.
Maybe you could
tune me up sometime.
You can tune me up, too.
So, what's up for tonight?
Someone will send me a text later
recommending a night club.
In the meantime,
let's find our room ...
... and drop off our stuff
and then go play some pool.
Unless, of course,
we decide to hit the gym first.
I'm game.
The one in the pink top
is really cute.
Ouch! Ouch ...
- Pushing a little too much weight?
- It's my hemorrhoids.
- Is it from Laerke?
- No, a girl named Simone.
Thomas, I don't get it.
Why can't you just stick to Laerke?
I need some water.
What's eating him?
Maybe Laerke doesn't wanna have kids.
No, I think she'd love to.
Do you guys want more kids?
No. We've been talking about
me getting a vasectomy.
Why are you doing that?
Because two kids are enough.
And Jette's turned forty ...
Why're you smiling at the pink top?
You knew I was interested in her.
Sure, but ...
You don't even know her.
So what? If a guy has dibs
on a girl, you respect that.
Hit on the blue top instead.
Jesus ...
Maybe you should wait a bit
before finding someone new.
So you and Thomas can get
all the hot chicks? I think not.
I could say a few words about
the friends we made back then.
A lot of those people
are still our best friends.
It's like we've been in combat
together with all the homework -
- and exams and parties.
Like we're brothers in arms.
- Brothers? It doesn't feel that way!
- Will you shut up about the pink top?
Of course, we're brothers.
That's why we're taking this trip.
I'm sorry. It's just that ...
It's a lot easier being charming
when you've got someone at home.
I literally reek of divorce.
Come on,
we all reek of something.
What?
You shave your nuts?
Of course I do, man.
You'll never get lucky
with those old school balls.
- To keep the hair out of their teeth?
- Do you think Karsten shaves?
He's what, 29?
Of course he does.
You think Hanne lies there with ...?
I just feel like ...
I can't stand that fucking guy!
Isn't it kinda masculine
with hairy balls?
Only homeless people walk around
with an afro sack like that.
Could there be something retro chic
about it? Like vinyl records?
You look like old farts.
Just run 'em over with a razor.
What do you say?
I'll do it, if you do it.
Niels will do it.
We're fucking doing it.
I've just gotta pee.
- What'll I say to Jette?
- She'll be thrilled.
Thrilled that I shave my balls
before a school reunion?
We'll just be a minute.
How much do I need to shave
between the butt cheeks?
That's up to you.
Just shave against the hair.
Against it?
I thought you said with it.
- What are you doing?
- You said to disinfect it.
I meant the razor!
I'm gonna die.
- Thanks for the lotion.
- You're welcome.
It was like lathering up
cherry tomatoes with lubricant.
- Never tried that.
- It's those little ...
- The tomatoes I'm familiar with.
- I can see my own reflection in 'em.
- Take a look.
- I'd rather not.
I know we're different,
but I looked at yours.
This must've been
out in the sun all day.
Did you hear
Niels is getting a vasectomy?
- Are you insane?
- Why?
- If you're not able to have kids ...
- Then what?
Then you're not a real man.
What a crock of shit.
For once I agree with Niels.
What a crock of shit.
Holy shit, Thomas ...
Is that the problem?
You can't have kids?
I don't think so.
My dad couldn't have kids either.
It was a fluke my mom got pregnant.
Why shouldn't you
be able to have kids?
Because ...
Because it took a long time
for my testicles to drop.
Just like my dad.
Is that why you shave your nuts?
To really show them off?
I'm just saying.
Have you been tested?
The longer you wait,
the worse your chances are.
Past forty
your sperm quality goes ...
You can't keep
sticking your head in the sand.
- And old people can't adopt.
- Let's take one thing at a time.
You know what we're gonna do?
We're gonna
have your sperm tested.
Not now. We're going out.
We did our balls up for you.
Now be a man and get yours checked.
I can't stand it here any longer.
Andreas! I'm stuck!
What's wrong?
What?
Is it the hemorrhoids?
My testicles are stuck.
They got lodged in the gap.
Thomas, get in here!
What is it?
It's Niels's testicles.
They're stuck in the bench.
It's your goddamn lotion!
If they can get in,
they can get out.
No, they're swollen.
The blood keeps flowing to 'em.
You've gotta help me.
Fucking hell ...
It's not good.
May I?
Fucking hell ...
Have you got a crowbar?
A crowbar?
There's a fertility clinic
just around the corner.
We can't leave Niels here
in that condition.
I'm coming with you. I'm not the one
who's gonna have to jerk off.
Let's go, Thomas.
Time to spank the monkey.
The fertility clinic, just a moment.
Hello.
Are you gonna sit here
reading magazines, while I ...?
No, we're taking a walk.
- Forget it.
- No.
You're going through with this.
Just go in there and ...
I have an idea.
Let the best man win.
Wait up!
Here we go!
Done!
We'll have the results
within a few days.
Great.
My sex life with Hanne hasn't been
too good the last few years.
I have a little steam built up.
Is it me, or is she kinda hot?
What the hells going on with Niels?
Niels? Are you okay?
- What's happening?
- Not a damn thing!
You can't get it up,
or nothing comes out?
Both.
It's that speech.
It's messing up his head.
Okay, Niels ...
Start by getting it hard.
Thanks for clearing that up.
Think of some woman
you've always wanted to sleep with.
That girl from school
you never got to nail.
Big-butt Eva! She's super hot.
Think about her.
And don't worry about us waiting.
That'll totally throw you off -
- and poke a big hole in your pants.
And try fondling it a bit.
That should do the trick.
We know you can do it.
Go! Go! Go!
- Way to go, Niels!
- Yippee-ki-yay!
Must've been because I got stuck.
It's never happened to me before.
What? It's the truth.
Ask Jette if you don't believe me.
- It happens to a lot of guys.
- What does?
Having a hard time performing ...
... at your age.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I've said it before.
Now I'm gonna say it again.
You need some
positive female attention.
That's just how men work.
Let's go, Niels.
What?
You ever been a KISS fan?
It won't come off.
- Ouch!
- It's waterproof.
Did Mikhail Gorbachev
bag a lot of chicks?
No idea. Ask Seal.
Harry Potter! He's got a lightning
bolt on his forehead. Way cool!
A lightning bolt?
Look at me. I've got the whole
Mexican Gulf spill on my face!
On a positive note,
no one's gonna focus on your age.
I'm serious! It's dark,
people are dancing and drunk ...
My cousin looks like a wrinkled dick
and he's never had a problem.
You know why?
He simply forgets himself.
He goes out and enjoys himself,
and that's what you need to do.
ANAL OINTMEN
Wrong hole, Niels.
You guys go out.
I'm staying here in front of the TV.
Period!
Hell no, this is our time together.
If you're staying, we're staying.
The highland gorillas ...
I know you're upset,
but I'd really been -
- looking forward to going out
and maybe meeting a nice girl.
- Knock it off, Andreas.
- You should feel sorry for me.
It's like promising to take a puppy
for a walk and then telling it, down!
I know we're different,
but had it been me ...
... I would've done it.
What if she was there
tonight of all nights?
A girl you could meet
and fall in love with.
I'm standing here all clean-shaven,
but what good does it do me?
I can just walk around ...
- Hi there.
- Hi.
So, what's up?
Oliver's at a party, -
- and Sarah and I've had
a pillow fight.
She's fast asleep.
Sounds cosy.
Sarah said she misses you.
Are you aware that I love you?
Yeah. I love you, too.
I'm ...
I'm really sorry
that everything's become so ...
We'll work it out.
I'm a bit worried about Sarah.
I don't think she's happy in school.
I've been thinking
that maybe you could ...
- Are you listening?
- Yeah, sure.
Say, can I just walk you through
the topics for my speech?
Christ, you're self-absorbed.
Self-absorbed? I'm self-absorbed?
Have a little sympathy. Tomorrow I'm
standing in front of my whole class.
I'm only asking for
a tiny bit of help.
All right, I'm listening.
Thanks so much, hon.
What I want to talk about is ...
The male gorilla
is called a silverback.
Where did they go?
The dreams, I mean.
That's not pathetic.
Thomas and Andreas don't think
I sound like an old fart.
Sure, I can stand criticism,
but you're being ridiculous.
Aw, come on ...!
Now Jette's pissed. What the hell for?
We always used to support each other.
Now we know
where the action's at -
- if you weren't such an old fart.
Fuck it. We're going out!
That jacket is so cool on you.
You'll be swimming in big-ass babes.
- I'm game.
- You look good.
And so do you, Niels.
In your own special way.
Anyone who doesn't score drops
his pants at the old people's home.
The old rules still apply.
Pants off. Anything less
is considered a courtesy.
Three mojitos!
Hi there.
Mojitos.
It's like God is flashing us broads -
-just because
He's not allowed to score.
Or is He?
Is He allowed to score?
He probably sticks it to the angels.
See the guy in the plaid shirt?
That's Karsten.
- The one who stole Hanne away.
- The therapist?
Ow! What the fuck was that for?
We did that to Ole in physics class.
Ow! Goddammit!
What the hell are you doing?
Sorry. That's just what I did to Ole.
I'm sorry, Niels.
Just ignore the pain.
Personally, I've had my heart broken,
walked all over and put back in.
Fucking babies. They think
they can fuck the whole world.
They don't know it, but they're
gonna fucking die someday.
Hi there! I'm Niels.
Hillary.
I'm just gonna go and
find my friends, all right?
Niels ...
- I should call the police out on you.
- Why?
'Cause you're stealing my moves!
Cheers!
Excuse me.
- Any luck?
- Not yet.
Thomas is buying us a drink.
Fertility?
Isn't that like a disease?
Is something wrong
with your cock?
No thanks, I'm not in the mood.
Please don't.
What the fuck are you looking at?
- Please let me go.
- Come on, have a sip.
Ew, knock it off.
- Knock it off, I said!
- We just wanna talk to you.
Stop that. Stop it!
Young lady!
Didn't I tell you to be home
by one o'clock? Didn't I?
Thanks, dad.
Actually, it's not me.
It's more your mother.
She can't sleep.
She tosses and turns.
Andreas ...
This is Sanne.
Sanne, this is Andreas.
She's really cute.
Let me get us something to drink.
- Hiya. I'm Andreas.
- Sanne.
Hey!
Hello.
"Hello"?
Karsten! Karsten!
You little ...!
You stole my wife, you fuck!
I didn't steal her.
She chose to leave you.
After you psycho-manipulated her!
Take it easy, Andreas.
We've talked about this.
Get over here, you piece of shit!
Get over here!
I'm gonna fucking ...!
I listened to the two of you
for weeks.
You were both unhappy
in your relationship.
You don't know jack shit! What's so
fucking fantastic about you, huh?
Is it your well-polished nutsack?
Let me tell you something.
My nuts are fucking
well-polished, too!
- Where's Andreas?
- He left.
Why've you got that stuff
on your face?
It won't come off.
What?
You can't walk around like that.
I'm sure I can get it off.
I've got some make-up remover.
Let's go back to your place
and take it off.
Sure.
If you want a new relationship
you need to let go of that anger.
Anger?! Get out here!
Then I'll really let my anger go,
I promise you.
Anger is just a symptom.
You need to ask yourself
if something is making you sad.
What makes me sad is
that I haven't given you ...
... the biggest ass-kicking
in the whole fucking world!!
That's it. Come here!
Andreas! Andreas!
Hi, Thomas.
- Hiya, Preben.
- Thomas.
Hi, Jeppe.
I'll take care of him. He's okay.
Look on the bright side. As long as
he's here, he's not fucking Hanne.
One more.
Guess who?
- Simone.
- Hi!
What's the matter with you?
He's worried that something's
wrong with his privates.
Shut your pie hole.
Why won't you answer
my text messages?
Because they choke up
my memory card fifty times a week.
I know we're different, but ...
... I wouldn't say no.
Right, but it's Thomas and I
who are meant for each other.
Andreas!
Where are we going?
There.
You've got smile wrinkles.
One or two, maybe.
The rest is pure decay.
What's with the negative vibes?
I know what you need.
- One of these.
- One of those?
They're wicked.
They make you totally happy.
And you've taken
one of those wicked things?
You have to.
To be able to cope.
To cope?
You're young and beautiful.
This should be
the time of your life.
Right, and it always snowed on
Christmas when you were young.
I haven't got a boyfriend and I
don't know what to do with my life.
I haven't got a clue.
And these help?
No, they just help me forget
all the bullshit and have a good time.
Right, but ...
I think I'll pass.
Save it for a rainy day, then.
I'm married.
I know.
We're just comforting
each other, right?
Right?
How could anyone wanna
go down on that mess?
It's all one big rash.
I should be quarantined
for endangering the general public.
When are you gonna learn?
Booze and pills are a bad combo.
Niels?
Niels! Niels!
Niels!
Good thing you're here.
Thomas is wasted.
Where the hell have you been?
What've you been doing?
I was chasing Karsten -
- and then we went to Christiania.
And some girl named Simone
wanted to have Thomas's baby.
She tried to rape him -
- and I had to nick this from
some hobos. Long story.
- Where the hell is Thomas?
- In there!
Give me a hand with him.
Thomas!
It happens all the fucking time!
It happens all the time.
One of us got lucky, huh?
I miss Laerke.
She has the softest cheeks
in the world. I love her.
Then why aren't you together?
I'd like to.
But what if I can't make her happy?
You don't know for sure.
But what ... what if you can?
Who'd want
a man who can't have kids?
You don't know that for sure.
But maybe Laerke would.
Thomas, it's not Laerke.
- Is it Simone?
- No, it's Sanne.
Sanne?
- The one I had dibs on?
- Jesus ...
And you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm the one who's single.
I'm the one who needs a girl
and you're hogging them all.
In my own bed even!
Fuck, what a bummer!
What a bummer.
Jealousy is a bitch,
but this time it's justified.
- I totally agree.
- Jealous of who?
Of you, because you always
bag all the hotties.
- Big-butt Eva and ...
- I've never been with Eva.
Jette. The kids.
The family, the Berlingo,
the mortgage payments ...
Leave it.
I'm sleeping on the couch.
I'm sleeping out here.
That way Simone won't find me.
Simone?
Sanne, you need to stop
popping those pills.
"It's been
twenty-five years since ..."
You've gotta help me.
In four hours I have to give a speech
and it's nowhere near done.
Just a sec. Someone's inserted
a vuvuzela into my brain.
- What am I supposed to say?
- I'm not helping you.
Shut up about Sanne.
Niels says he didn't sleep with her.
I won't make it in time.
Just say you were hung over.
And be left with self-confidence
the size of a hamster penis?
Speaking of penis ...
Damn, that shit itches.
It itches like crazy.
Why the hell did we have to
shave our nuts?
You get used to it.
Knock it off. People will think
you've got crabs.
It gets worse
the more you scratch.
It burns ...
Ow, it burns.
It burns? Let's do something
about that. Drink some milk.
Better now?
Can you wiggle your ears?
- I'm going insane.
- Gentlemen ...
I'll have to ask you
to come with me.
- Why?
- We saw you jerking off!
- Jerking off?
- Don't try to act stupid.
- What's going on?
- There must be some mistake.
We weren't jerking off. We've just
shaved our crotch and it itches.
- You need to come with me.
- How old are you anyway?
Sit down and leave me alone!
How old are you? Do you even
know what's going on here?
Do you have any respect at all?
No, you don't.
Why do you think apes
follow a grey-haired leader?
You don't know, so I'll tell you.
It's because grey shows experience.
All the females sit around thinking:
"That monkey knows what time it is!"
"He's got his shit together.
He knows what it's all about."
- Then what is this about?
- That's more like it.
Nada. This is about nothing.
We've all got kids.
Except Thomas, but ...
We're going to the clinic
to find out if he can have kids.
- Thomas and kids, they're like this.
- What's going on?
There's been a misunderstanding.
We just tried to help your daughter.
Listen up!
We beat our meat
less than 24 hours ago, so ...
- I'm getting my boss.
- A silverback I can talk to!
Eat your sausage.
Why can't you control yourself?
We sat in that office for two hours -
- because of
your ridiculous behaviour.
You could have been helping me
with my speech instead.
Just pipe down, all right?
It's not about you right now.
- It's about Thomas's sperm.
- Hi there.
This is yours. Mr. Boedker.
And this one's for you.
Could you open yours first?
Super sperm! Way to go!
Up yours, psycho Karsten!
Forty years old and still going
strong. What does yours say?
Excuse me,
could you please explain this?
It basically says
that your sperm count is so low -
- that it'll be hard for you
to have kids.
- But I have kids.
- That must've been some years back.
Too right.
- Do you smoke?
- No.
He's got reading glasses,
but never uses them.
- Maybe you're stressed out.
- You are. No doubt about it.
He's giving a speech today
and it's nowhere near done.
Never mind.
What does yours say?
I'm not opening mine. I can't come
to the reunion with a negative result.
But I can? I can stand in front of
a crowd feeling sorry for myself?
Now open it.
Open the goddamn thing!
What the hells wrong with you?
Stop it! What's wrong?
You have two great kids and
a hot wife. You should be grateful.
Have some sympathy for me.
Super sperm and nowhere to put it.
- You were gonna get a vasectomy.
- That's totally irrelevant!
Even if I cant join the party,
I'd appreciate the invitation.
Come on, Niels.
Or do you wanna impress people
in your new pyjama trousers?
- Is the speech done?
- Sure.
- Wanna hear it?
- Yeah.
"Crap. Crap. Crap."
"Pathetic old crap."
That's one way of putting it.
I think the middle part
needs some work.
Why do people
go to these reunions anyway?
To see who's the most successful
and who's had the most fun.
- I'm not having any fun.
- But I am!
Niels is not amused.
Maybe you should cheer him up.
Hello, everybody. It's so good
to see you all together again.
As you can hear, I had a minor mishap.
My balls got stuck in a sauna.
Niels, come on. Get dressed.
You're giving that speech, or you'll
end up hating yourself even more.
What if I'm a flop?
- That'll make you hate yourself, too.
- Great.
You need to gamble a bit if you
want to feel better about yourself.
That's like a starving man using
his last money on a lottery ticket.
But which would you prefer?
Dying slowly of hunger -
- or betting your last meal
on never having to starve again?
What if the lottery ticket is a blank?
Then he'll die for sure.
Thank God I'm not the one
giving that speech.
Sleeping Beauty
was a sight to see
sight to see, sight to see
Three little Indians
they went to town
played the fiddle
what a lovely sound
It'll be okay, Niels.
Yep. It's gonna be great.
All right, then.
Aren't you looking forward
to seeing them?
There are a few I could do without.
You could be there for the main course
and Hanne for the dessert.
- No, you should both be there.
- I'm not talking to her.
Is anyone not coming?
Lange won't be there.
He died last summer.
Lange? The guy who wore shorts
all year round?
He was at Tivoli Gardens
with his wife and kids.
And just like that
he fell dead from an embolism.
Jesus Christ ...
Had he bought a ride pass?
- What do you mean?
- That's a lot of money wasted.
- Are you feeling okay?
- Sure.
Have I ever told you
that I love you?
- Eva might be there.
- Big-butt Eva?
- Yes!
- Get off it, Niels.
That's the reunion clich
numero uno.
Trying to nail the girl
you never got to nail.
- Anything wrong with that?
- Just leave some girls for me.
I can't even feel
the hemorrhoids anymore.
Hiya.
It looks like everyone got sick
and sent their parents instead.
I just love this informal atmosphere.
Hold these. I'm gonna
say hello to everyone.
Hi there. Way to go.
- Hello, Niels.
- Ole!
So good to see you!
Remember physics class?
What do we do with these?
Tie 'em to Hanne and let her
float up under the ceiling -
- with her ass antlers, hoping that
someone'll shoot her down.
There you go.
- Love your music.
- Thanks.
I don't remember you
being in our class.
This might turn out okay after all.
Looking good!
But what about Laerke?
I'm back!
Buenos dias, homies.
I just spoke to Hanne.
So it's over between you two?
Oh well. We all need
a change of scenery once in a while.
Did you bag a wife, Niels,
or are you still obsessing about Eva?
Get a load of that. Big-butt Eva.
She can sit on my face any day.
- It's so good to see you, man.
- You too, Niels.
Easy, Niels ...
That's enough.
Evening, everybody, and welcome.
I'm your toast master for the evening.
I just hope that I can -
- do the job well enough to pass -
- according to
the new 13-scale.
Which stops at 12.
The food, as you can see,
is a buffet -
- so feel free to choose
whatever you'd like.
There will be entertainment
while we eat.
Among others things,
I've written a song.
And someone
has written a speech.
Maybe you should look
the speech over once more.
So you can nail all the ladies and
have me moon the elderly? No way.
Where is Eva?
Maybe we should ...
Whoopsy daisy!
Never mind, never mind.
- What the hell are you doing?
- It was for the nachos.
Are you out of your mind?
- It was an accident.
- It doesn't matter.
It looks like the Hulk
blew his load on you.
I'll just take off the shirt.
You're not taking it off here.
Just chill. There she is.
Niels, goddammit ...!
Andreas, you and Thomas
are my best buddies in the world.
I'll be back.
- Nice and clean.
- It's soaking wet.
You can't wear that. Have you
been smoking something or what?
No. It's just a rainy day pill
that Sanne gave me.
- Are you on E?
- I've no idea, but it's great.
Andreas, I haven't been this happy
since we won the Euro '92.
- You need to calm down.
- Can you buy 'em over the counter?
- Hi.
- Hi there.
You don't remember me?
Nope. I'm gonna need a hint.
What if I say ...
... the green mattress
in the gymnasium?
- Tine!
- No, Lulu, goddammit.
Lulu!
Have you met my daughter?
She's waiting tables tonight.
Your daughter?
And then we have two boys,
ages eight and twelve.
But they're not home-made,
they're adopted.
- That sounds kinda nice, actually.
- It really is. I'm happy.
Have you got any kids?
No, I've got a dog.
You know, on and off.
Oh, here you are.
Niels is on drugs.
- What?
- Drugs.
- Let's take this off.
- Is it better to be naked?
It's much better!
Pink is no good.
- What about ...
- Do I have to wear anything?
Hey, this one's mine.
Wow! This is so cool!
Come on.
Does he look a tiny bit gay?
Eva! Come sit over here
at the good table.
So good to see you.
What are you doing?
I was here first.
There's room for the both of us.
I'm totally gonna sit next to Eva.
But I'm not sitting next to you.
You're insane.
Eva, you look even more beautiful
than you did back then.
You're exaggerating.
But thanks, anyway.
- Are you married?
- No.
Got any kids?
A boyfriend?
- Not that either.
- Have you been hiding under a rock?
Maybe Andreas and I should
look over the speech, just in case.
No way, it's golden!
Here you go.
Great! A song!
Niels, you shouldn't mix ...
Relax, I've got it under control.
- You know what I could do?
- What?
If I nail Lulu's daughter ...
... I'd be scoring a hat-trick.
Then you'd have to
sleep with Lulu's mom, too.
- You bonked the granny?
- She wasn't a granny back then.
Look at her.
All right, she's gone.
I need a girlfriend so bad.
You know what?
You're totally ready for that.
- You think?
- Hell no.
This is our family getaway
on the Cte d'Azur.
Lemme just borrow this.
Andreas! Andreas!
- Take a look at this.
- I'm in the middle of something.
Tom is doing so well.
This is his summer home on the ...
- What was the name again?
- Cte d'Azur.
And there's his wife.
Isn't she just beautiful?
And those are real ones, too.
Niels, come on ...
Andreas ...
- He's not speaking to you.
- Right.
- That's very mature.
- I know. Isn't he the best?
- I just wanna know how he's doing.
- Andreas? He's doing great.
We've just had
the craziest night out.
What about you?
You must be doing pretty good -
- ever since you got rid of
his wrinkly old ass.
- I don't dislike his ass.
- Sure.
But Karsten's tight young ass
must be a bit better, right?
Just so you know, I didn't leave
Andreas because of his age.
I left because
we were miserable together.
Besides, he's the best father
in the whole world.
I'm back, everybody.
Before Niels Boedker
gives his reunion speech ...
... it's time for
some more entertainment ...
... of the professional variety.
Thomas is going to sing for us.
Would I be able to pull you today?
Yes or no?
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking:
"Who's that old hag in there?"
"I'm at least fifteen years younger
than that worn-out sack of shit."
I'm probably just tired.
Are you out of touch?
Afraid you can't score anymore?
You're wondering if you'll ever
get your self-confidence back.
This is where I step up
to help you.
- Have you seen Niels?
- No.
- Niels!
- Andreas, get up here.
Hold my sperm letter,
just in case.
- I thought you loved Laerke.
- I do.
- Then what are you doing with her?
- Thomas, are you coming?
It's a hat-trick, baby.
No, it's a comforter. You're afraid
of losing Laerke if she reads this.
If you love her, then fight for her,
no matter what it says.
Where did you read that?
Some women's magazine?
Not at all. It was something
psycho Karsten said once.
Go find Niels instead.
He's up right after the custard,
so I'm pressed for time.
Knock it off, Niels.
You're drunk.
Where do you wanna do it?
The physics lab?
Drop it, Niels. This party's
tough enough for me as it is.
What's with the negative vibes?
Everyone else
is married and has kids.
I've got nothing to brag about.
If you say yes,
you can brag about nailing me.
Get down here.
This isn't working.
We shouldn't be doing this.
At least I shouldn't.
Guess who?
Simone?
Right.
It's time for the reunion speech -
- given by Niels Boedker,
but Niels isn't here right now.
He didn't do his homework.
Let's hope he didn't get sent
to the principal's office.
That must be the booze talking.
Speech! Speech! Speech!
- Go stall them while I find Niels.
- What?
- Just go improvise.
- I'm not saying anything.
You can do it. Go.
Andreas.
I think everybody remembers you.
Well ...
Well, while we ...
... wait for the speaker
of the evening, Niels ...
... I thought I might
say a few words ...
... about myself and ...
You're horny!
Actually, I'm not. Not really.
But I'm ...
I'm sad, actually.
Hanne and I were married
and really failed at it ...
... so right now I'm thinking ...
... how it would be nice
if somehow we could ...
... succeed at not being married ...
... and being good friends.
And that, of course,
starts with me.
I need to start talking to you ...
... which I haven't ...
But I'm doing it now.
I'll probably never ...
... grow all that fond of
your new boyfriend, Karsten.
But then, I'm not the one
who's gonna have his ...
... well-polished nuts in my mouth.
This is going down hill,
but I'm not the speaker tonight.
If you need a girlfriend,
here's my number.
Give me one last shot. Check this out.
I scraped against the hair.
You could've dyed them blue,
I still wouldn't look.
All right. If you won't,
I'll take second best.
You look amazing,
but that's Big-butt Eva!
- It's just not the same, is it?
- Want me to punch him?
Never mind. He looks like
he's fucked up already.
If you're looking to feel better about
yourself, don't look in the mirror.
All right, then where
do you want me to look?
What are you doing?
You're up.
I almost have her.
Just wait until she hears the speech.
Holy shit ...
"Speech, speech."
I'm going in.
I'll be back. We're not done yet.
- Niels, don't give that speech.
- But it's my lottery ticket.
I know I said that, but I was wrong.
You shouldn't give that speech.
They're gonna beg for an encore.
Niels, don't do it.
- Simone!
- What?
Speech! Speech! Speech!
Sorry, it took me so long -
- but you're not leaving here tonight
without hearing the reunion speech.
It's right here.
Need some glasses?
Never mind.
I know what I want to say.
It's been twenty-five years.
So much has happened.
Of course, had it been thirty years,
even more would have happened.
But it's been twenty-five.
Twenty-five years
have gone by
All right!
There's a song for ya!
I wanna show you something funny.
Check this shit out ...
Hello, everybody.
If you think I sound a bit weird ...
Just a moment.
The show must go on.
That's better.
Hanne, show us your ass antlers.
Come on. Please?
Hanne's got a pair of ass antlers.
Come on, Hanne.
Show us your ass antlers.
We all wanna see 'em.
I'll show you my hemorrhoids, then.
It's nothing to be embarrassed about.
It happens when you get older.
It hurts like hell.
And you still need to shit,
even though you're over forty.
I'll go start up the car.
Satisfied with your performance?
You know, sometimes you feel
things could have gone much worse.
But they really couldn't,
could they?
I'm really sorry I ...
- Forgive me for ...
- Never mind.
But I'm glad we won't see 'em
for another twenty-five years.
And by then ...
... Lulu's daughter
could have a child of her own.
Christ, I look like shit.
But you only reek slightly of puke.
Question: "What do you turn on to make
a room brighter?" What does it say?
- "Night." Can't you read?
- But, uhm ...
Are you sure? Look again.
Isn't that an L?
Doesn't it say "light"?
Oh yeah.
- Hi, honey.
- Hi.
What's that old fart crap
you've got on your nose?
Can't you see?
Then I guess
you'll have to come closer.
You look pretty amazing
close up, too.
The one with the hemorrhoids ...
I taught him history.
The one on the right ...
I fucked him once.
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